#season 5 will be the one to start making shit clearer to me

[secretswiftymarvelfan]

Boston Bears: Off-Limits - Rugby Player!Chris x Reader (Part 5)

Summary: Scott invites you round for a BBQ leading you to your first night at Chris' house

Word Count: 5.8k

Warnings: Fluff! Minor Angst! Mention of past toxic relationship! Mention of Vomit/Vomiting! Alcohol Consumption!

Rugby Explained

Dividers by Me!

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

Chapter 5

Chris let out a loud grunt as Ari landed a hard tackle on him. He was holding a tackle bag which took most of the impact but Ari was a large man with a mean tackle. Despite being on a bye week this weekend, Coach Y/L/N was taking no chances, especially following the poor performance on Saturday. So the team was training as hard as they would be if they were playing this weekend.

Thankfully the funk Chris was in was well and truly over and he definitely had you to thank for that. His mind was clearer and everything felt sharper. Everything was going so smoothly it was like watching a symphony. Chris looked out at the team and saw a championship-winning team.

The best part was that Chris could look over at you and not be distracted. Well, that wasn’t completely true, he would look over at you and remember everything from last weekend. But it was the good kind of distracted, the kind that filled him with energy but didn’t leave him restless like it had before the weekend.

“Right break into your groups!” Coach Y/L/N shouted bringing an end to tackle practice.

Chris let out a sigh of relief as he dumped the tackle bag to the side. His hand running over his abs as he did so.

He caught Ari smirking over at him “Did I go too hard on you cap?” 

“Yeah don’t need to go 100% all the time” Chris complained as he picked up a ball ready for kicking practice.

“That was only 75” Ari winked as he sauntered off to go join the rest of the scrum players.

Chris rolled his eyes and shook his head as he walked in the opposite direction to start practising his kicking. 

He placed the tee down, and as he rested the ball on it he caught sight of you stood in the corner talking with Andy. Your gaze met his for a second and you sent him a subtle smirk before turning your attention back to Andy. 

Chris smiled to himself as he stood back up only to spot Johnny smirking over at him with a shit-eating grin on his face. Chris shot him a glare, while he knew now that Johnny was just trying to make Chris jealous he still didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right.

Stretching out his shoulders and neck Chris lined up the kick. Tracing the route he wanted the ball to take with his eyes. It was a relatively easy angle to start with but still one that needed a bit of calculating. He took a deep breath before starting his run-up, his boot hit the ball with a satisfying thud and Chris watched as it easily sailed through the posts.

Chris did a couple more practice kicks before jogging over to go collect up the balls so he could carry on. As he did so he crossed paths with Johnny.

“I was surprised that you didn’t come out to celebrate with us on Saturday” Johnny smirked.

Chris shot him a look “I highly doubt that storm” 

“I’d never lie to you cap” Johnny gasped, placing a hand on his heart “but whatever you did clearly worked, or should I say whoever” 

Chris stopped in his tracks and spun around to face Johnny, his voice low and tone full of warning “We both know you know more than you’re letting on so let's drop this little act” Chris started “There’s a lot riding on us this season so if you breath a word of what you know”

Johnny held up his hands in surrender “My lips are sealed” he promised “I only interfered to help the team, we can’t have you in a funk because you’re pining over the medic” he added with his own accusatory look “We need you Evans, you’re the glue that holds us all together”

Chris studied him for a moment before nodding his head “Good” 

Johnny just laughed and shook his head as he turned to walk away muttering “oblivious idiot” as he went.

Chris furrowed his brow not understanding what Johnny meant by that. He chose not to dwell on it though and returned his attention back to practice.

Soon enough Coach called out to end practice “alright let’s call it a day, those who need it get yourself to injury clinic and Y/N will be taking attendance so don’t think about skipping because I will know” he said with a pointed look at a couple of players “the rest of you rest up, enjoy the afternoon off and don’t do anything stupid” 

The whole team hummed in response before dispersing. As he walked back to the changing rooms he considered asking if you had any lunch plans but he spotted you with your head buried in a clipboard so decided to save it for another time.

Once inside the changing room he grabbed his phone from his bag and dialled. His brother picked up after a couple of rings.

“Hey, what’s up?” Scott answered.

“Got the afternoon off, fancy grabbing some lunch?” Chris suggested.

“Yeah sounds good, usual place?”

“Yeah I’ll see you there, just gotta shower” 

“Yeah I don’t want your stank putting me off my burger”

Chris groans and rolls his eyes “Whatever, see you later” he said before hanging up.

Once he was showered and changed Chris grabbed his bag and left the training centre. It was only a short drive to the diner that Chris and Scott frequented and his brother was already sat waiting inside for him.

“I ordered you a triple bacon cheeseburger and milkshake” Scott smirked as Chris sat down.

Chris shot him a look to call him out on his bullshit.

“But they said no so you have a grilled chicken burger and salad” Scott continued dramatically rolling his eyes.

“Thank you, although that cheeseburger did sound nice” Chris sighed as he sat back in the booth.

Chris loved that he got to play rugby for his job and he’d happily do anything that meant he played as well as and as long as he could. But sometimes the diet got to him, the chefs at the club were good and could make it taste nice. But it wasn’t like a good greasy burger. 

“Well you are on a bye week so you could have one at our BBQ this weekend, Coach doesn’t have to know” Scott shrugged.

“True” Chris hummed “You still good getting the supplies? I can pay for them I just won’t have the time to go get them myself”

Scott nodded “All sorted, me and Steve made a list and we’re going to Costco on Friday” 

The food then arrived and both men tucked in. Chris didn’t realise how hungry he was until he took his first bite. He’d finished his meal before Scott had even gotten through half of his. Leading to Chris reaching over to steal a few fries.

Scott slapped his hand away after he stole his fifth fry “Order your own if you want fries” he scolded.

“I don’t want any” Chris retorted as he stole another.

Scott rolled his eyes before a mischievous smile tugged at his lips “Well at least you’re in a better mood this time, you were a miserable ass when I last saw you” Chris glanced over with a curious look “How is that whole forbidden fruit situation going? You looked pretty tense during the match but you seem better now… like you got some release?” Scott smirked.

Chris sighed knowing Scott wasn’t gonna let this drop. He was lucky that he got this far into lunch before it got brought up. He glanced around the diner making sure none of his team or anyone else who worked at the Bears decided to have lunch here.

He looked down at his empty plate “We came to some agreement” Chris answered quietly.

“An agreement” Scott echoed.

“Yeah” 

“What kind of agreement?”

“A mutually beneficial one”

“Is that all you gonna give me?” Scott pouted.

“Yep,” Chris grinned as he stole another fry, taking pleasure in his brother’s exasperated expression.

Chris wasn’t gonna go into any details though. It was his private life and he was gonna keep it exactly like that, private. Plus he was gonna keep the promise he made to you, Scott may know about this arrangement but he doesn’t need the details.

Scott rolled his eyes and slumped his shoulders in disappointment. But almost as quickly his face lit up again, his attention on something behind Chris.

Chris looked over his shoulders, his attention also peaking when he spotted you walking into the diner, heading straight for the counter.

You seemed to feel the eyes on your back, Chris saw your shoulders tense before you quickly looked over your shoulder. There was a brief look of panic on your face until your eyes met his and your shoulders seemed to relax.

 You held up your hand to signal ‘one minute’ before turning your attention back to the counter. Chris furrows his brows since he hadn’t signalled for you to come over, but when Chris looked back over at Scott he saw his brother lowering his arm telling him it was Scott you had gestured to.

“What are you doing?” Chris hissed quietly.

“What I just wanna meet her” Scott grinned.

Chris groaned quietly as before he knew it you were walking over “Hey Evans, sticking to your diet I see” you smirked.

“As closely as I can” Chris grinned.

“Hi, I’m Scott by the way,” Scott said introducing himself, clearly not willing to wait for Chris to do so “Fancy joining us?”

“Ah no I’m good, got to get back to the clinic, just grabbing myself something to eat” you said gesturing over your shoulder with your thumb.

“Got a lot of players in?” Chris asked.

“No, thankfully most of the team are pretty fit, just some long-term injuries” you explained.

“Good” Chris smiled, nodding his head.

Silence then fell between the three of you, you were clearly about to make your excuse to leave when Scott spoke up.

“We were just talking about our BBQ tradition,” he said.

“Oh?” You questioned as Chris threw Scott a quizzical look.

“Yeah whenever the bears have their bye week we throw a BBQ since it's pretty rare that they have a weekend off” Scott explained.

“Even if it falls midwinter?” You asked.

“We draw straws to decide who has to do the grilling while the rest stay inside in the warmth” Chris answered making you chuckle.

“You should come” Scott said taking both you and Chris by surprise.

“Really? I wouldn’t want to intrude” you said shaking your head.

“You wouldn’t be” Chris said, quick to reassure you “but it’s up to you, don’t feel like you have to” 

“Will other players be there?” You asked nibbling your lower lip.

“They’re invited but they never turn up, most go home and visit family for the weekend” Chris explained.

“Right okay, cool yeah I’ll um check my diary but sounds fun” You nodded “I um better get back” 

“Yeah sure, I’ll text you the address” Chris smiled.

“Great I’ll see you at training tomorrow” you smiled back “And it was nice to meet you” you added glancing quickly at Scott.

“Great to meet you too,” Scott said with the widest grin.

You shoot Chris another smile before turning to leave, grabbing your food as you went. Chris watched you go until you were completely out of view. When he looked back over at his brother, he was still grinning like a madman.

“You’re welcome” Scott grinned.

You frowned as you stared up at the house in front of you. This couldn’t be the right place. You checked the address Chris had given you and Google Maps which said this definitely was the right place. Had he given you the wrong address? If he had this was a brand new way to screw you over that was so elaborate you honestly couldn’t be too mad. 

This looked like a typical suburban Boston family home. Not the kind of house a single professional sportsman would own. Most of the players had swanky apartments in the city, the only time they bought houses was when they settled down. 

Wait. Had Chris settled down? Did he have a life partner and you were a piece on the side?

You shook your head. You were being ridiculous. You knew for a fact that wasn’t the case. Not just because he said he couldn’t juggle more than one woman, but because Tommi did an FBI-level deep dive on him and she would have said if he was or had been married. 

You checked the text one last time, double-checking the wording. He definitely said this was the address for his place, not his brother’s. When they invited you to a BBQ you assumed that they were throwing it at Scott’s place but that didn’t seem to be the case. 

You were just about to call Chris just to double-check you were in the right place when the front door opened and Scott poked his head out.

“Hey, what are you doing standing out here?” 

You breathed out a sigh of relief and shot him a smile “My friend called me” you lied as you walked up to the front door. 

Scott arched a sceptical brow but didn’t say anything “Well better late than never, can I get you a drink?” he asked as you stepped inside. 

“A beer would be great thank you” 

Scott nodded “Coming right up, everyone else is out back,” he said nodding in the direction of the backyard. 

You send him a grateful smile before making your way out to the backyard. There were probably only about 20-odd people here, many of which seemed to be Chris’ non-rugby friends. Speaking of the devil you spotted him standing by the grill, beer in one hand, spatula in the other. He shoots you a smile and nods in greeting when he spots you before returning his attention back to the grill. 

“Here you go,” Scott said as he appeared beside you and passed you your beer “no clue what you preferred so I hope it’s okay”

You accepted the beer happily and took a quick swig “It’s my favourite” you admitted.

A shit-eating grin grew on his face as he nodded “Well help yourself to as many as you like” he offered “Do you know many people here?” 

You scanned the group once more before shaking your head “Nope” 

That didn’t worry you though because it meant you didn’t have to worry about your arrangement with Chris becoming known within the Bears staff. Plus you were pretty good at making friends with strangers, so much so that Tommi said that you’ve never met a stranger. 

“Well those lot over there are Chris’ old teammates from when he was playing junior rugby,” Scott said pointing over to a group of lads who looked like rugby players but not as athletically fit “Those are old school friends of ours and those two are our sisters” Scott continued, going through everyone until everyone had been introduced, including Scott’s partner Steve who had joined the both of you

 “but don’t worry we’ll keep you company while Chris is in grillmaster mode” Steve reassured you. 

“Thank you I appreciate it, this will be a nice way to meet people in the area outside of work” You nodded. 

“Yep” Scott nodded “You never know you might meet your east coast best buddy” he added wiggling his eyebrows. 

“I already have by the sounds of it” You smirked as you took a sip of your beer.

Scott grinned “I like you, you better be sticking around”

You felt a lump form in your throat at the insinuation knowing it was highly unlikely but played it off with a casual shrug of your shoulders “We’ll see” you said your voice surprisingly hoarse giving you a good excuse to avoid any more talking by taking a good few glugs of your beer. 

For the next half an hour you hung out with Scott and Steve, easily chatting with them and anyone else who came over to join the conversation. Despite how easy you normally found it to make friends it felt even easier at this party. It felt like you’d known these people your whole life. They were so sweet and welcoming and it really said a lot about Chris if this was the company he kept. 

You were mid-conversation with one of Chris’ old school friends when you felt two hands being placed on your shoulders “I thought I’d find you here”

To your surprise when you looked over your shoulder you spotted Johnny stood there with a lopsided grin on his face “Johnny? What are you doing here?”

“I was invited obviously”

You rolled your eyes at him “Yeah but Chris told me all the other players never show up, they’re off visiting family for the weekend” you explained. 

“Usually I am, but my sister and her boyfriend are at some fancy conference so I’m stuck on my lonesome” Johnny sighed with a dramatic pout. 

“You poor soul” you responded sarcastically. 

“Yep it's been real hard, so I thought I’d come along to this since I gathered you’d probably be here alone and keep you company” he explained as he looped his arm around your shoulder and led you away. 

“Thank you, but I’m actually good,” you said before lowering your voice “Plus another stage in our plan isn’t needed”

Johnny shoots you a look that said ‘Do you think I’m stupid’ “I know that, I knew the plan worked the moment I saw Chris at training Monday morning” he said “But you’re good fun and I thought we had a good friendship here, please don’t tell me it was all in my head” he continued placing a hand over his heart. 

You chuckled “No you’re right, I’m sorry” you smiled at him “It is good to see you Johnny”

He shot you a boyish smirk “That’s what all the ladies say” he said earning a roll of the eyes from you “So how are things going with you and Evans, you don’t look particularly close”

You shrugged your shoulders “We’re keeping it casual, both on the same page about what we want, keeping it private” you explained with a pointed look, Johnny responded by pretending to zip his mouth shut and throw away the key “So I’m just mingling like another friend would, plus he’s busy being the grillmaster”

Johnny nodded his head “Yeah you don’t wanna mess with or distract the grillmaster” he agreed. 

The two of you continued chatting for a while longer until it appeared that food was ready and people were making their way over to grab a plateful. It was then that Chris finally made his way over and you were surprised at the sudden flutter of excitement in your chest when he did so.

He gave you a warm smile as he approached “Glad to see you made it, hope Scott hasn’t been too irritating as company” he greeted.

“Nah not as bad as this guy at least” you gestured with your thumb over to Johnny who let out an insulted gasp. 

“Rude!”

Chris chuckled as he shook Johnny’s hand “Good to see you man, not seeing your sister this weekend?” he asked. 

“Nah got some big conference on biotech or whatever” Johnny said waving it off. 

“Well good to have ya, why don’t you grab something to eat, I promise not to tell coach” Chris promised.

Johnny smirked “Alright I get the hint, Storm dismissed” he saluted before stepping away. 

Once he was gone Chris shot you an apologetic look “Sorry, I know I said there wouldn't be anyone from the team here” he sighed as he leant down to press a quick kiss to your cheek. 

You waved him off “No, no it’s okay, I like Johnny he’s becoming a good friend” 

Chris arched a brow “Really? Don’t get me wrong I like the guy but he can be a bit much”

You nodded “Yeah he’s like a puppy, his heart is in the right place at least” you explained “Plus he already knows about us, if it was anyone else it would be more of an issue” 

Chris nodded his head in agreement “True, he’s a damned good winger too” he added making you snort with laughter. 

“You mean wingman” 

Chris shot you a grin “That too” he admitted “Now let’s get some food”

You followed him towards where all the food was served. You loaded your plate sending a knowing smirk to Chris when you saw him build a double cheeseburger. He responded by holding a finger to his lips and shushing you.

You laughed and once again looked around at the gorgeous house around you, still not quite believing that this was his house.

“So this is where you live” you commented as you both of you walked over to a table outside.

Chris arched a brow as he sat down “You sound surprised” 

“I am” you admitted “You’re breaking the mould of a single rugby player living his best bachelor life”

Chris’ brows pinched together “In what way?”

“Well every single player I’ve ever known has lived in swanky apartments, the only ones who have houses like this are ones who have already settled down” you explained gesturing around to the house.

Chris nodded slowly as he swallowed his mouthful of burger “Well this is pretty new” he admits “decided about a year ago I needed a change from that kinda lifestyle”

“What changed your mind? A girl?” You asked arching a brow.

Chris smirks “Why? Making sure they’re not in the picture” he asked.

You shook your head “Just curious” you said, even if you didn’t 100% believe it.

“No there wasn’t a girl, well… not that kinda girl anyway” Chris started, you tilted your head in confusion, curious as to what he meant “My sister has 3 kids, two boys and a girl and they’re amazing and I love spending time with them so I thought a more kid-friendly place would help” Chris explained “but the main reason was this guy” he added before whistling.

The dog you had seen running around the place and assumed was someone else’s came running over. It then sat obediently next to Chris waiting for a scrap of food.

“This is Dodger” Chris grinned as he passed Dodger a bite of burger.

“He’s very cute, how old is he?” You asked as you scratched Dodger behind the ear.

“Don’t know exactly, the rescue centre guessed he was about a year old, so he’s two maybe three now?” Chris explained with a shrug of his shoulders.

“You rescued him?” You asked surprised.

Chris nodded “The team helped out with this adoption drive and we instantly hit it off and I knew he was coming home with me” he smiled.

“That’s really sweet, what do you do when you have to go on the road?” You asked, rugby players were never away long for away matches, not like Hockey players but it was always a couple of days.

“My ma looks after him on away weekends, or Scott if she’s busy” Chris explained “I wish I could take him with me but I don’t think he’d like the crowds”

You nodded, watching as Chris smiled warmly down at Dodger. There was no doubt that Chris absolutely loved his dog and it made your heart do a little flutter. 

The BBQ carried on into the evening, everyone making the most of the warm spring weather. Eventually, everyone began to make their way home, many of whom seemed to live nearby and left on foot,

For you however you needed to drive home, but you had drunk far too much to do so legally. You weren’t drunk, but definitely over the limit. You couldn’t rely on a lift from Johnny either as he had left a couple of hours prior after receiving a text from a lady friend. You couldn’t call your dad for a lift either because you really didn’t want to explain why you were at Chris’ house. 

You decided to just call an Uber and you’d come collect your car tomorrow. You were just pulling out your phone when Chris walked over to you. 

“Hey you alright?” he asked.

You smiled up at him and nodded your head “Yeah I just drank more than I should have so I’m ordering an Uber home”

Chris shook his head “Don’t waste money on that, just stay here tonight” he offered like it was obvious.

Your lips parted as you tried to come up with an excuse not to. You weren’t sure why you didn’t want to stay, you were sure another night with Chris would be plenty of fun. But you just didn’t want to tonight, there was a funny feeling in your gut. It wasn’t because of Chris, you knew that much, but you had no clue where it was coming from so playing it safe would probably be better. Plus there were still a few people here, you weren’t sure how you felt about them seeing you stay the night. 

Chris must have seen your hesitation as he held out his hand “You can stay as a friend if you want” he said quietly. 

You sighed softly “Are you sure? I don’t wanna be a nuisance” 

Chris smiled and shook his head “Nah it’s fine, plenty of my buddies stay over, and it’s not like I don’t have the rooms to spare” he shrugged. 

“That’s great thank you” 

“No worries, let me just make sure everything is ready and you can head up if you want, a couple of us might stay up a little longer” Chris gestured over his shoulder with his thumb. 

You smirked slightly “One more drink won’t hurt now that I’m staying”

You went up to bed a couple hours later to the bedroom Chris said you could stay in, surprised to find he’d left out some spare toiletries and comfies to sleep in. You climbed into the bed and let out a small moan at how comfy it was, you were going to be dead to the world in no time.

At least you thought so.

You probably had only been asleep for an hour when you woke up with a start. A sudden and horrid wave of nausea crashed over you which made you bolt up out of bed and rush to the adjoining bathroom.

You sat yourself down by the toilet and waited for the vomit to actually come. It didn’t though it never did. Ever since what happened with Bryce there had been nights where out of nowhere you would wake up, heart pounding, sweating as a wave of nausea crashed over you. It wasn’t every night, it would go away long enough that you thought it would never happen again only for it to suddenly return. 

You had told Tommi about it and she made you take a pregnancy test just to make sure which thankfully came back negative. Plus you’d had your period since then so you were definitely reassured it wasn’t that. It just seemed like your body wanted to fuck you over. 

After about 15 minutes the wave passed enough that you didn’t feel like you were on the verge, but you still felt pretty weak like you’d just run a marathon. You slowly pushed yourself to stand and decided to head downstairs to grab some water. 

You tried to keep quiet as you searched for a glass, trying to ignore how your hand shook once you finally found one and filled it up. You took some shallow sips, glad to get rid of the stale taste in your mouth as you leant against the counter. 

You had drunk half the glass but still didn’t feel okay enough to head back up to bed. You had too much restless energy, you wouldn't be able to fall asleep even if you tried. So instead you decided to just walk around the bottom floor of the house. 

You were just walking around the living room, admiring all the different knick-knacks and family photos. Bryce had no family photos at his place, it almost made it look like he had no family at all, which maybe was his intention since he didn’t really get on well with his family. 

It was another way Chris was completely different to Bryce. You could tell Chris cared a lot about his family and others in his life, they were as much a part of his life as rugby was. He hadn’t lost sight of who he was before he became a professional sportsman. He was still pretty ordinary, someone who’d be very easy to love which terrified you. 

Falling in love was like presenting your unprotected heart on a platter and hoping they looked after it and most of the time they didn’t. That’s what happened with Bryce, you hadn’t been in love with him, but you had allowed yourself to catch feelings and he’d hurt you. You dread to think of the damage that would have been done if you had loved him. 

So you couldn’t catch feelings with Chris. It was sex and fun only. 

“Hey, you alright?” 

You nearly jumped out of your skin, you spun around to see a tired-looking Chris stood a few meters away from you. Despite having drunk nearly an entire glass of water, your mouth went suddenly dry as you took in his topless appearance, his sweatpants hanging dangerously low on his hips. 

“Uh-ih yeah” you coughed “Yeah, just woke up thirsty so was just grabbing a glass of water”

Chris nodded as he rubbed his eyes “Me too, want another?” he asked nodding to your now empty glass of water. 

“Yeah sure that would be great thanks” you said following him back into the kitchen. 

He took your glass from you, his fingers brushing against yours as he did so. You tried to ignore the tingling sensation that was left in his wake, flexing your fingers quickly. No feelings. You gripped the glass so tightly when he passed you it back that you worried you’d drop it so took a large gulp before setting it back down on the kitchen island. 

You watched as he grabbed his own glass, filled it and took a few deep sips. Silence fell between the two of you and the air suddenly felt charged as Chris’ eyes roamed your body up and down. You tried not to squirm under his gaze, the look in his eyes as heated as the feeling that was growing within you. 

“You look good in my tee” he commented. 

“Oh is this-” you started before shaking your head “Stupid question” you muttered, of course, this was his tee you were wearing. 

A smirk tugged at Chris’ lips as he placed his glass down and crossed the short distance between the two of you. You couldn’t help but bite your lower lip as he gazed down at you. 

“I didn’t thank you for coming earlier” he murmured. 

You hummed “Yeah, you’re pretty poor at hosting, no wonder the other guys don’t show up” You smirked, feeling more comfortable on this ground. Joking, having fun.

You expected Chris to snort and have some witty comeback but he just shrugged his shoulders casually “don’t care, there’s only one person that I did care about” 

“You didn’t invite me, Scott did” you pointed out. 

“Semantics” Chris hummed as he reached out to play with the bottom of his tee that you wore. 

“Chris I-” you started, not knowing where you were going with your sentence. 

Part of you felt like this was too intense for your arrangement, for your foolish little heart. But the other part of you was screaming for his touch, like every atom in your body was reaching out. 

“I need to kiss you” he interrupted “I couldn’t sleep knowing…” he continued before trailing off, his gaze falling from your face to the tee.

Your answer was past your lips before it even registered in your mind “Yes”

Chris instantly surged forward, his large hands cupping your jawline as he tilted your head back and kissed you deeply. You responded with your hands resting on his chest, feeling the strong muscles beneath your touch as you slowly draped your arms around his shoulders. 

You were so lost in the kiss that you weren’t aware that he’d pick you up until you felt the cold bite of the kitchen island beneath you. Your legs parted and he moved to stand between them, his hands gripping your hip as your fingers ran up into his messy bedhead. 

He moaned as you tugged on his hair and he deepened the kiss much to your pleasure. Especially when his hands moved from your hips to your chest. He cupped your breasts and massaged them through the tee you wore, making you curse that the fabric was even there. 

It was when he tugged you closer and you felt how aroused he was and it was like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on you. You blinked a couple of times as you pulled back, it wasn’t like you weren’t enjoying it, because you were, you really were. It just felt wrong for a second, maybe you still didn’t feel right after what happened upstairs.

“Hey, you okay?” Chris asked as he brushed some hair out of your face. 

“Uh-uh yeah I just-” you stuttered trying to find the reason why you didn’t want to continue “Yeah I’m just tired… sorry” you landed on.

Chris nodded “That’s okay, it is late you don’t need to apologise” he reassured you. 

“I just - but you-” 

“I’m fine” He interrupted you “I just wanted a moment alone with you and I got that”

You bit your lip as you felt your heart skip a little beat despite you telling it not to. But you couldn’t help but make another comparison, Bryce would have tried to convince you to carry on but Chris was just happy with what you were willing to give him. It was enough to make the funny feeling in your gut disappear. 

“C’mon let’s get you back to bed,” Chris said holding out his hands. 

You smiled softly and accepted his help down from the counter, he kept hold of one of your hands as he led you back upstairs to the guest bedroom. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head before wishing you a good night. 

When you crawled back into bed all the horrible feelings you had felt when you first woke up were completely gone. You were able to fall asleep almost immediately and it had nothing to do with the more intense smell of Chris on your tee.

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[kingdomoftyto]

Hi, happy spooky month, I have a ✨manga rec✨!! And in the spirit of the season, it's a horror story! >:3c

I want to spoil as little as possible because I went into this manga essentially COMPLETELY blind and, honestly, imho, I imagine it's the ideal way to experience the story. I literally first heard about it from a random youtube comment on a video about an entirely different manga--one which, mind you, had VERY different themes, which colored my preconceptions and added to the surprises for me later on!

ANYWAY, what I mean by all that is I'm going to start with the simplest possible summary of the premise, and if that's intriguing enough for you to give it a shot, then I recommend diving right in!! But, if you still need more of an in-depth, slightly spoilery rec? Then I'll gush a bit more under a cut to see if I can hook your attention.

With all that out of the way,

The Summer Hikaru Died is a horror/supernatural story about a high school boy named Yoshiki whose best friend (Hikaru) went missing in the mountains outside of town. What comes back is... something else. It looks, acts, and talks like Hikaru, but it's not him, and Yoshiki is the only one who seems to notice.

The only other thing I knew going in was that the commenter made a brief mention of the "Hikaru"-thing protecting Yoshiki, which seemed odd but intriguing alongside the rest of the premise.

So if that's enough for you (plus the fact that I'm telling you I haven't stopped thinking about this story since I read it two weeks ago), then please check it out! There are only 5 volumes so far!! Suffer through the wait for the rest with meeeeee ಥωಥ

More spoilery extended rec below the cut:

📣THESE MOTHERFUCKERS GAY*!!!📣

📣GOOD📣FOR📣THEM!!!📣

I know what you're thinking, and YES, it appears to be BL between the TIMID HIGH SCHOOL BOY and the ELDRITCH HORROR WEARING THE SKIN OF HIS BEST FRIEND.

And it's SO GOOD.

No SERIOUSLY, for real though, I had NO inkling going into this that it was even in the realm of possibility that it would involve romance

Let alone a nuanced, slow burn, VERY QUEER romance layered with ruminations on grief and identity and one's relationship to society

(ON THIS NOTE, I must advise up front that I DO NOT KNOW if this story will end in tragedy... It's still ongoing, after all! BUT, I think either way it will be an amazing story and... maybe I'm just delusional, and though this may be considered spoilery in itself, the most recent chapters have me optimistic that we might indeed be on track for some sort of happy ending... eventually.)

Anyway, I cannot express enough how incredible it was to uncover this aspect of the story organically without knowing about it beforehand. Born and raised in a rural village, Yoshiki is deep in the closet, and that's reflected in how subtle the hints are at the beginning. Over time, it starts to become clearer and clearer, but always with a layer of plausible deniability, at least if you're not expecting it to take such a queer turn. ("Hikaru" literally makes a ton of "no homo" style jokes early on, which... god don't get me started--)

As you might guess, Yoshiki had feelings for the real Hikaru before his disappearance, and ooh boy does that affect how much the grief and guilt and fear play into things. It's delightfully fucked up.

So yeah. I 100% expected the plot of this manga to revolve around the intrigue of the monster finding out Yoshiki knew its secret, the fear of not knowing when the monster would strike next, etc, but NO! That particular "reveal" happens within the first 10 pages, and then the entity just kind of... lives the life of a high school kid! He's kind of a little shit, but for the most part, he's a nice boy! Yoshiki is the only one who knows who "Hikaru" really is, but much of the tension comes from him having to come to terms with that, rather than the fear itself.

...and also the OTHER horrors and mysteries. There's tension there too, considering it's where the actual plot lies, lmAO. Just because "Hikaru" isn't a totally evil monster doesn't mean there aren't a lot of grotesque and scary things in here. Most of this manga I would classify more in the "supernatural" genre than "horror", but in those moments it DOES delve into horror, it goes pretty damn hard. I remember more than one moment where I felt sharp regret about reading it in the dark at 2 a.m. 💀

Still, if you dare, it's worth the read. I can't recommend it enough.

P.S. I wouldn't say it's a "funny" manga but it does nonetheless have an amazing sense of humor. There are a handful of actual jokes and gags that did have me rolling, but more importantly there's an unspoken, implicit acknowledgement of how absurd this all is, in that way only good self-aware horror can achieve. Take the main character Yoshiki for example. The image I used of him up above? The unsettling camera angle, the haunted look in his eyes? That's just how he always looks. The panel after that one shows that all he's looking at on his phone is a text from his sister reminding him to pick up wasabi flakes.

P.P.S. There's apparently an anime adaptation coming out sometime? I'll probably watch it, but I expect something will be lost in translation. We'll see, I suppose.

*- To be precise: Yoshiki is gay. The creature that takes Hikaru's place has a more nuanced (and alien) perspective on sexuality, and... I'll leave it at that.

[noahschnappinfs]

I've noticed that popular youtubers who do shows reactions, have not reacted to the new season 5 video, do you think there will be many who will not react to season 5 because of the scandal?

despite many conspiracies, the reality is that noah hasn’t been singled out by netflix and they’ve decided to back noah since “the scandal”. he was posted in all the promo since they started production, he was very visible in the first cast picture and he even got a whole ross’ ig post dedicated to him with netflix posting it everywhere for will’s birthday. by now that we just got the first teaser, it’s even clearer that netflix doesn’t see him as a liability or anything like that because we all saw how he was included like everybody else and we even got a glimpse of him sitting down to film an interview that seems to he for the rumored documentary that they are filming alongside the show so he’s totally in their marketing plan for the st5 in a substantial amount just like anybody else from the main cast. the rest of his cast mates have mentioned him multiple times this year alone and the st official accounts are commenting on his page. to me all of that makes it very clear that nobody is shunning or hiding noah in despite of how much people online want it.

now you must be wondering why i had to mention all that, well, if netflix that has a whole PR department decided to back noah right away, then we also shouldn’t worry too much about the impact noah’s presence will have in the overall viewership of the last season. they know that the boycott calls are performative and will barely make any noise by late next year when it’s been confirmed the new season is being released. you know, i’ve also been thinking a bit about how they might even be counting on the fact there's no such thing as bad publicity because let's be real, a lot of people seem to be clearly obsessed with noah asking if he will be or not in the show, and if the rest of the cast is actually shunning him or not, that kind of gossip will make people watch the show out of curiosity whenever we like it or not. netflix isn't spending a penny on this but jobless people online trying to make up rumors about noah in order to laugh at him for being left out are actually creating this air of mystery around him that gives the show free publicity, there's so many people that will tune in just to see how the cast act around noah during the press tour and in the show.

now let's talk specifically about what you're talking about, my answer here is that money talks. youtubers aren't making videos for shit and giggles, they want people to watch so they can get paid. right now the ones skipping stranger things content may fear losing views from their core fan base right now but the supply and demand theory is very clear, by the time the actual season comes out, there's going to be a huge demand of stranger things content and the youtubers won't want to miss out on cashing on that. we also need to point out that st5 part 1 is coming in a bit over a year, so enough time would've passed since everything happened. i expect every sane person would've moved on by then and that way the youtubers will feel safe enough to start posting st content again next year.

[r-0-x-4-s]

woooo thank u for ur reply! i love reading long stuff!!

i grew up with 2003 and 2012, (btw i think that if rise had been given the chance, it would’ve easily become THE tmnt show, too bad we don’t live in a fair universe… still i like it sm! dk if its my fave, but surely its the one that i will always grieve and think abt fondly of) so maybe i tend to like more clearer personalities :P and the subtle thing isnt really to my liking jabshxshsgh

now that some time has passed, i think my opinion on the show hasn’t really changed? apart that i found that really nothing that happens in the series has actually happened??? and that is said in the eng dub… so i didnt know until i watched a youtuber who talked about the series. and now im thinking that theres no reason to watch the show if nothing of it will matter in the movies, kinda? (also if you liked the series! PLS WATCH THE MOVIE YOU WILL LOVE IT!! (if u cant find it in streaming, there are other sites hdtoday)

splinter doesn’t talk in the series cus they didn’t wanna recast jackie chan, and he’s too expensive for a tv series (the same reason for ray fillet, thats why he just says the same stuff over and over)

maybe they don’t feel like “real” teenagers to me, cus they are american teens and cultural differences and blah blah (along with the pop culture references they make) AND THATS ALL ON ME

honestly, raph’s episodes were my favorites! i think he’s a joy to see on screen

my biggest complaint abt the turtles is that they are not too distinct from each other, in a way they feel written to be more real than tv characters

STILL THEY JUST HAD A SEASON AS OF NOW, SO THERE IS ALWAYS THE CHANCE NEXT SEASON IT STARTS CLICKING WITH ME

(tbf i know i’m not the target audience, thats why i watched it with my younger brother, to know what someone a little younger than me (still out of the preferred audience lol, i also have an even younger teenage sister but she would NEVER watch it (shes a 2012 purist)) would have thought abt it (it didn’t work cus hes more of a hater than me “we lost rise for this…” “the two have no correlation-“ “WE LOST RISE FOR THIS”)

the other day i was babysitting so i tried showing it to my youngest cousins (8 and 5, so ig the target audience?) but they got bored very fast and i couldn’t initiate them to tmnt through tottmnt (which makes me sad cus, that’s their tmnt) i switched to 2012 and they quite liked it (i didnt want to expose them to rise cus i think its to “energetic” for little kids, and rise is impossible to find in my country, while 2012 still runs daily in tv channels) maybe sometimes the kids just want characters doing cool shit and being funny more than being relatable? like “they have struggles but they are cool asf!!/i want to be like him when i grow up” sentiment.. I THINK THIS COULD BE ACHIEVED IN TOTTMNT TOO, THEY JUST NEED TO DO MORE NINJA STUFF)

ANYWAYS THATS IT I WILL STOP TALKING

so... i watched tottmnt and i didn't love it

also why isnt this show being hated on whaaaat, every tmnt show has to go through the initial hate, thats like the law /hj

tw opinions under the cut

it just felt so... empty?? i dont really know how to explain it but, the lack of brothers interacting and anything ninja related, kinda made me frown

why did it feel nothing like a tmnt show??? my brother said "it looks like it took some ideas from rottmnt and just... made it worse", and in a way i agree? its like, in a way, this show wants to please everyone but doesn't have the balls to go full original and new like rise did...

i was very optimistic about it before its release, the turtles in high-school is something i dreamed of when i was a child! AND THE SHOW JUST BLUE BALLED ME??? I GET JUST SOME MENTION ABT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IN SCHOOL BUT ITS NEVER SHOWN AND THAT MAKES ME GRRRR

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY FFS, doing something none of the show before had ever done but nooooo u get two mini arcs

and lets talk about these arcs:

bishop arc: i really liked the general plot of this one ok, but since the first ep i could see one of the main problems with tottmnt, EACH EP IS ABT A SINGLE TURTLE retelling their version of what happened in the same moment, that could be cool, BUT THAT MEANS THE BROTHERS INTERACT WITH EACHOTHER IN ONLY 2 EPISODES CIRCA

AND I HATE IT SM!

also why does everyone kinda have the same personality (by this i mean cus they react basically the same in every situation, apart if there's a computer/something technological, then donnie would use it/the other 3 would say something abt like "donnie could use it")

and they are so chill abt their problems (leo's self worth issues, raph's anger issues) ? like everything is so lighthearted and they already know how to deal and therapy talk??

i wonder how they will get to grow as characters cus as of now, they are already way more mature than any other tmnt version???

goldfin arc:... so???? IM TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY ABT IT REAL HARD, maybe it will come to me later so lets start with things i despise abt the show!

uno: I HATE THAT THEY PAIRED EACH OTHER WITH A "COUSIN", I WANT MY TURTLES INTERACTING WITH EO

deux: i hate that they have "cousins" 😭 why is every character related to them (tbf this was already from the movie so u can just ignore it) it makes the world sm smaller and takes out so many known villains... also i hate scum sm, also shes the turtles' cousin too so her relationship with splinter is kinda even weirder

(tbf it could be that i hate the cousins thing after i came back from my vacation surronded by my huge family, AND HAVING TO SPEND SO MANY DAYS WITH MY SO FUCKING MANY COUSINS)

три: the way that the stories are told, apart that it makes it look like nothing is canon? ive seen many fans confused about it, but i think that both stories actually happened. the only reason i dont like it is cus... it clashes with the choice of having a single turtle each ep so hard

like whats the point of starting the arc with a turtle narrating, but the next ep it will be focused on someone else?? and then ending it with the first one closing it like as if he had been the one talking all the time

quatro: uhhh by this time i found things i like so i want to talk about them too, but! i feel like this arc is so much worse than the bishop one and horrible for a closure.

the enemies are uhhhhh something, the stakes are lower than my will to live and we get poop jokes too <3

cinco: WHY DOES THE INTRO NOT HAVE LYRICS, EVERY TMNT INTRO IS A BANGER, THATS THE RULE!! U CANT BREAK IT OMG

six: WHERE IS MONDO GECKO, THE ONLY COUSIN I LIKED AND WANTED TO SEE MORE OF

sept: this leo isnt leoing and april's personality just being "girl with the phone and recording"

восемь: DONNIE AND MIKEY ALWAYS REFERENCING TO RANDOM AMERICAN PEOPLE OR OTHER POP CULTURE THINGS, I UNDERSTOOD 6% OF THEIR JOKES

by the second arc my brother started loudly sighing and glare at me every time donnie/mikey would make a "joke" we wouldn't understand, i started beating him to feel something

NOW THE STUFF I LIKED ABOUT THE SHOW

one: THE ANIMATION IS GREAT! im not the biggest fan of the artstyle but thats my personal bias, i like it being 2d! (i still like rise's animation and fluidity more, but THAT studio is impossible to beat, im still destroyed they dropped lmk <\3)

due: i liked the detective that hated birds, he brought a chaotic energy no one has in this show

três: THERE WASNT ANY APRILN4RDO THANK FUCKING GOD (i wrote this but then my brother made me notice the murales and now idk if i should take this out or myself)

четыре: i love hun and him being an animal activist is the cutest

and thats it ig?

tldr: i think its a mid series, it does nothing remarkably bad but it doesnt do anything remarkably good.

i finished and it left me nothing (it left me longing for more of rise actually)

though, its early to say it cus we have just 12 episodes! ofc i hope it will get better!!

(ALSO BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS ANYTHING ABT TARGET AUDIENCE, I WASNT EVEN IN THE RISE ONE AND I ENJOYED IT JUST FINE

also WHAT CHILD WOULD WATCH THIS OVER SOMETHING HYPERACTIVE AS RISE??? OR EDGY AS 2012/2003??? OR FUNKY AS 1987???)

also im autistic abt tmnt but in particular abt leonardo, i dont like this leo = my enjoyment of the show is very low

so until they get leo's character right, i will have spite in me

[anxietycheesecake]

Gay sex jokes can be funny, tasteful and valid rep. But when it's all a show really delivers, there's definitely teasing of the only potential mlm couple (that nobody forced them to put in there; people shipping something they know is just a fun dynamic that won't go anywhere isn't that) and then going all "oh, but it's deeper than sexual™" and "I don't know if we're teasing it" is definitely... queerbait adjacent.

There are homophobes who are super comfortable watching this show to this day. They have an homophobic explanation for every single joke or hint we've enjoyed. It doesn't make it an homophobic show, of fucking course not, but it hasn't alienated the homophobic audience as much as you think. It probably will happen in season 4, but not yet.

Baiting the only mlm relationship when the only rep as for today are casual jokes is queerbait-adjacent. Going on unrelated weirdly sexual tangents when asked genuine questions about something even the press has read as text should leave a taste in your mouth, especially when compared to stuff that's been said before season 3 was a thing (and I'm willing to bet they're barely aware asexuality/demisexuality is a thing, if they've heard of it at all, so don't come for me). This doesn't feel like a "wait and see" type of answer, but ok, let's wait and see.

And if by the end of the show nandermo goes fully unaddressed (NOT CANON; the bar is as low as ADDRESSING it, I'll be ok with however it goes from there), I'm sorry, but I won't be as uwu about it as you are being.

I'm glad you feel seen and validated and like you're getting the rep you want, but when you consider how little risks the network is truly taking by doing stuff this way and how they'll definitely keep doing it in the future if they can get away with it... I mean, it's kind of insulting? I wouldn't give it a pass. I think it 100% would set a very unfortunate precedent.

(I know people are going to say "oh, but there's a lesbian couple in this other show, they're super ok with that". Cool. I promise you a board of guys with ties sat around a table to study every possible ramification of putting those lesbians in that drama or whatever. But you know what I want? More sitcoms with wild concepts and queer relationships. More sitcoms with queer relationships in general. If they can get away with baiting the only gay ship and still get praised for queer rep for jokes about how horny everybody is, expect most shows to handle it exactly like that. One is ok, sure, but there will be more and it'll get boring very quickly.)

I can't believe I have to say this, but don't fucking harrass the creators. Express your negativity about a product you consumed in general terms like a normal person and act in consequence.

Anyway, I love this show and where it's heading, not so much how it's being handled in the month and year of our lord June, 2022. Hope to come back and cringe at this someday lmao

[lexa-kom-skaikru]

Which ship do you think is bigger queerbait rn? Hosie or Supercorp?

Depends... if you go by current season I would say Supercorp, if you go in general I would say Hosie.

I am one of the few people that didn't consider Supercorp queerbait until late season 4. I have always shipped them and saw the chemistry but nothing in canon made me think they were writing towards Supercorp becoming canon at some point. In season 4b, that's when they started leaning A LOT more into queerbait territory with the focus they were giving on Kara and Lena's relationship and how they were framing all of it. That was also the time a bunch of media started waking up to Supercorp and supporting the ship, and there's a reason for that. The writing went from 'they are best friends' to 'this relationship is the most important relationship on the show outside of the Danvers Sisters'. The whole emotional plot and weight of the season (4b and 5) was reliant on Supercorp. That's when it became real queerbait for me.

While Hosie is the opposite. It started as queerbait from the beginning while in the current season they are trying to make us forget that Hope and Josie even know each other, with the exception of a few scenes.

Hosie is a ship that started with a complicated past to begin with, putting focus on their relationship right from the start. We saw their relationship develop and them getting closer and closer, only for there to be a crush confession. Outside of that, we had the actors and even Julie Plec pushing the idea that Hosie was a real possibility for the future. Season 1 was a perfect set up for what was gonna be epic queerbait in season 2. In season 2 we had confirmation that Hope was bi, they kept saying that Hope would be exploring her sexuality (still waiting on that one), we then had Hope confessing to also having had a crush on Josie in the past, we had the emotion turmoil of the season be about Hosie's relationship. The biggest fallout of everyone losing memory of Hope was what it did to Hosie's relationship, that was the slowburn of that particular plot. That's not even mentioning that Hope was the only one to bring real Josie out when she was still dark!Josie or the fact that she was the one to go into Josie's subconscious to save her. That episode was the finale of season 2 and in the finale of season 2 we had Hope being Josie's knight in shinning armor (quite literally because of the whole fairytale thing) AND we had Josie suggesting Hope to kiss her in order to wake her up with true love's kiss. That shit is as queerbait as it gets.

Then in season 3, it's like they didn't even know each other. Brett Matthews was like "we need to put a stop to this" and barely let them interact. There is no clearer message than that. They are trying to distance Hosie from people's minds which is useless because the queerbait already got to us in season 1 and 2. There is no turning back now.

[seizethesam]

Look At Me

Summary: You feel a little down and start to doubt yourself when you see the lifestyle of the Alexandrians, Daryl comforts you. (Set in late season 5 - Alexandria.)

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Female Reader

Word Count: 1556

Author’s Note: Heyy!! This is my first Daryl one-shot. I’ve been working on it for a few days and now it's with you!! I hope you like it!!

Happy reading! xx

You took sluggish steps through the large gate, your eyes wandered on every human being you spotted. Daryl was standing by your side, on his rightful place, with cautious eyes and a dead possum hanging from his one hand, the other holding the strap of his crossbow.

His chin was slightly tucked to his chest, watching everyone with his piercing gaze. He looked intimidating, if not dangerous. He was on alert just like you with all your guards up.

You were brought to this so-called paradise where people lived happily, without any worry, any wrinkles on their brow. You’ve imagined that the only thing they had to worry about was what extraordinary food to cook that evening.

Alexandria… The name had a good ring to it.

The people were laughing, chatting, going on about their days, while you and your family were covered in filth. Your bodies were caked with blood and dirt on the road. You were pretty sure that you looked like months old human garbage.

You were afraid. You were afraid that all this could be real. You were terrified that this place could give you hope for a better life.

You were used to being out there, in the wild, walking on the dangerous lands. Lands that now only belonged to nature and the dead. The dead, starvation, and danger had almost become a second nature to you.

Almost.

But at the same time, you were tired of losing people, tired of seeing blood everywhere, tired of sleeping with one eye open. And you were sick of getting blood on your hands.

Altogether, you wanted to rest, wanted comfort. You wished to have a fine supper with your family, a good night sleep with Daryl’s arms wrapped around you. You were afraid that a chance to get all this also meant losing them all over again.

First, the leader of the community, Deanna, took all of you for interviews. Rick was the first one to go, then Glenn, then you…

You stepped into the large living room and spotted an armchair and a video camera right in front of it. You didn’t know what to with yourself. You walked towards the armchair, drawing a circle around it, afraid to stain it with your dirt.

Everything in the room was so clean and neat that you felt out of place with your body caked with blood and dirt, greasy hair sticking to the sides of your face.

“You can sit down,” the voice came from the entrance to the living room.

Deanna greeted you with a warm welcome which caused a wave of shock through your body.  

You hesitantly sat down on the armchair across the camera. The comfort was causing uncomforting feeling.

“What is your name?” asked the woman.

“(Y/N)”

“You’ve been through great deal, haven’t you, Y/N?” she questioned.

You paused for a minute to think about the things you’ve been through; the farm being gone, the road, the governor, the infection, the governor again, the road again, terminus, the road, and the constant pain of losing people along the way…

You swallowed the pain growing inside you. “I guess,” you answered plainly.

“What did you do before all this?” she continued. Her eyes were wandering over you, studying you. You didn’t make sense of the question.

“A painter, a teacher, an astronaut, a zookeeper,” you listed the first professions that had come to your mind, “does it matter anymore?” your voice was tired and flat, and far from being irritating.

You were just exhausted.

After the interview with Deanna, you were all gathered in one of the houses that they have assigned you. You were all on a knife edge, constantly looking for reasons to bail out, reasons to take this place down.

It wasn’t much later that you thought how crazy all this was. Yes, you needed to protect yourselves, you needed to stay sharp. But being on the edge at all times, looking for reasons to not to trust people would just make you insane. Drive you crazy.

“They’re trying to split us apart,” Carol commented.

“We should all sleep here for tonight, ‘till we make sure they’re alright,” added Rick. His voice was almost a whisper that you could barely make out what he was saying.

The air moved fast through your nose and lungs. A light buzzing sound filled your ear when you saw stars falling down in front of you. Daryl was mouthing something, but you couldn’t make out what.

You supported yourself with one hand on the couch next to you and draw the other to your head when your vision went dark for a second.

“Hey hey,” Rick approached you with concern, “you okay?”

The others were watching you with worried eyes. “Yeah, I’m alright. —Guess it’s the blood pressure,” you said when Daryl had rushed to your side.

“S’ go outside,” Daryl suggested and you nodded after Rick padded your shoulder.

You exited the house to the front porch, and you sat yourself on the comfortable swinging chair. Daryl sat down next to you, handing a bottle of water for you.

You sat in silence for a while, observing the greenery of Alexandria. You saw a woman exit another house with a smile on her face, waving good-bye to the other person. They were really living their lives down here, weren’t they?

You couldn’t help but be jealous. They were in here eating chocolate cakes, while you were fighting out there, and yet, still losing.

“You think this is all real?” you asked with a low voice, referring to the community.

Daryl waited for a while before answering, he was thinking, biting his thumb. “I donno,” he murmured.  

“I want it to be,” you said. You were surprised how vulnerable you sounded.

“Wantin’ it ta be real is one thing, the truth is another,” he pointed.

You chewed your lip as you nodded, “I know.”

“Look,” he said in a whisper, “look at me,” he repeated, and you turned to face him. “We’re gonna make it work, we always do,” he assured you as put his hand on the back of your head.

He drew your face closer to his and pressed his forehead against yours.

“uh-huh,” you hummed as you closed your eyes.

The same day after the sunset, you were in the bathroom of your new house. There was a clean shower, clean towels, a working tab that actually spilled clean water. There were multiple choices of shampoo and shower gel.

You slowly opened the small cabinet behind the bathroom mirror. Your reflection on the mirror was not comforting.

In the cabinet, there were tampons and pads from multiple brands, razors, ears picks, floss, and every other small detailed necessity.

You didn’t know what to think, or what to say. It had been a really long time since you’d seen this many supplies in general, much less personal hygiene products.

You closed the cabinet and saw your reflection clearer now.

You looked like shit.

Your braided hair was sticking to your head with grease. Your undereyes were a different shade of purple now, if not black.

Your lips were cracked like a piece of deserted soil. Your tired hand traced the bitter flaws of your features from eyes to lips. Then, your hand reached for the slightly red, skin colored scar from your neck, over your collar bone, to the chest. A courtesy of the Governor.

You unbraided your hair without taking your eyes off your reflection. You spread and let your hair fall down your shoulders.

They looked fairly lesser than you remembered. You run your hand through your hair and saw the grey hairs that took place in several parts.

You frowned at the discovery. You certainly weren’t old enough to grow grey hairs. No. These were the result of years of worry, fear, and stress.

The person in the mirror looked—old… and tired, and sick…You couldn’t recognize her.

“What’re ya doin’,” the sudden noise from the door made you startle.

You turned to see that it was Daryl. “Was lookin’ for ya,” he said with a soft voice which was not very usual with him.

“I was just checking in with myself,” you sent him a joyless smile.

He stepped in the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He must have felt your downcast. He always did. Whenever you were feeling down or just stressed, he’d be there to just make everything okay. Whether it’d be a silent hug, or his reassuring words.

Daryl would always make your feel better.

He walked towards you, “ya okay?”

Words were stuck in your throat; you opened your mouth to speak but they didn’t come out. So, instead you nodded your head ‘no’.

You leaned your back against the counter, so you were standing face to face with Daryl.

He didn’t say anything to your subtle respond. Instead, he came closer and wrapped his big arms around your weary figure, “C’mere,” he whispered.

The warmth of his body was engulfing yours in every possible way, reminding you that you were safe in his embrace.

“I’m here,” he said.

Opposing to his rough exterior and muscly arms, his hug was that much softer and gentle.

Right then and now, you didn’t doubt yourself. You didn’t look old…or sick…or broken.

You were, now, a whole.

Tag:

@ly--canthrope

[prose-for-hire]

I [still] know what you did last Halloween...

Part one // Part Three // Part Four

Pairing: Scooby gang x reader (platonic)

This is the second part to a platonic story with the reader as part of the Scooby gang. Set season 3. This is a multi-parted serial killer/slasher fic for Halloween. Yes, I had to include Spike. Yes, I am sorry. Reader lived with Giles, but is not related. 

Warning: It is a serial killer fic, main characters are going to die (I’m sorry, it’s Halloween). Violence. Blood mention. Alcohol consumption. Swearing.

Sunnydale students: SOS

Sunnydale Express, October 1999.

The Sunnydale slasher strikes again, leaving one teen dead and two injured. There was a house party last night [12/10/1999] which left the student body with one less. The identity of the teen, who is yet to be identified based on extensive injuries should be announced to the public after the family is informed.

However, it makes us at the Sunnydale Express question: was it the teens fault for breaking curfew?

It was the day of the funerals. There was to be two back-to-back.

The first funeral was Giles’. It was an intimate ceremony, the core group and a Watcher who had never met Giles alive. He was there to ‘oversee’ matters but Wesley told him where to go. This had surprised you, the man wasn’t usually so forthright but he had appeared to be fond of Giles in some way.

Your group stood, staring into the open grave. You were now minus two members. There had been some crying earlier, but everyone’s faces were stony now. As if they were set in place. Exhausted from crying, not sure if you would die from dehydration if you wept another drop.

All of the colour had been sucked out of the world and you were all now aware that you were only briefly passing through this life. You weren’t aware everyone else was sharing your cynical thought, but they were.

You felt the most immeasurable guilt. You felt guilty for Giles’ death. For being the reason he was gutted so brutally. Used to write a crude message on the wall. His life had come down to being the ink in someone’s pen and it angered you that this was what his life had been reduced to. But mostly, it sickened you.

And, as Willow tapped you on the shoulder and gestured that it was time. Your mind still trying to wrap your head around the imagines you had seen in the past week. It was never going to get easier.

It was all a blur. It was screaming and rushing of bodies all around you. 

The room had started to thin. Only the injured and your friends remained. Willow had started to mutter something, a kind of protective spell - she grabbed your hand needing your strength. 

The slayers danced around each other, their fight mean and brutal. he appeared human, but his reflexes were good. Almost, too good.

He was blocking them at every turn. He appeared to be enjoying it. He was studying them. Learning their movement. Anticipating what would come next. They fought hard. Buffy hissing as the tip of the scythe cut into the flesh on her upper arm.

Then it happened. You could barely stomach thinking about it. Xander had walked into the room-

Xander had been a good friend to you. He was never perfect and you liked that about him, he never pretended to be someone he wasn’t. He looked out for you and he had been there for you when you had almost broken down and run to the police months ago. He had been firm that it had to be kept secret what you had done, but never refused you a shoulder to cry on.

His funeral was a lavish affair, his parents turning on the waterworks despite everyone knowing how they would treat him at times. They had paid for only the best, with a large number of people attending. The church was packed out. It made you wander that if any of them knew what he had been involved in with the rest of you, would they be so quick to say they had always liked him? Always seen him as brave and strong?

Any time the family saw any of the people that were there that night they scowled. They glared. And they burst into more tears. Why were you spared, when he wasn’t?

The six of you huddled together. Oz was more distant than usual, his hand on Willow’s shoulder as she couldn’t control her sobbing now. Buffy was sat with you, trying to hold it together as you wrapped an arm around her - willing yourself not to fall apart either. Cordelia and Faith had started bickering. It was getting progressively louder and your group was getting funny looks. They eventually stopped but only when the priest shushed them and started to say the final words before Xander was cremated.

Bravery. It was a word that had been said a lot that day, in that stuffy church hall. But it rang true, clearer than the tolling bell.

He had been brave.

 Everything stilled when he entered the room, as if time had been slowed for that one moment. And who knows, maybe it had. It was Sunnydale. The masked figure stopped fighting Buffy and stepped over an injured party-goer. He had been waiting for this. the guest of honour.

The masked figure had just been killing time fighting the slayers. Xander’s fate was decided before he had got to the party that night. 

Xander’s face had twisted in horror, his eyes met yours and you started to scream. He nodded, resigning himself to what was coming. The figure swung his scythe back, shrugging Faith off him who had tried to tackle him and swung at Xander.

A sickening noise. A splatter of blood sprayed the entire room. Willow dropped your hand in horror, stunned into silence as Xander’s head rolled to Buffy’s feet, the same look in his eye. 

There were media crews set up everywhere outside the church. They were using Xander to tell their stories. It would anger you, but you felt too washed out to say anything. You didn’t even comment when you overheard Harmony on her fifth interview, now talking to the local news outlet.

“Did you know the victim well?”

“Well, yeah. He was a total dork- which was so cute we all loved him” She smiled saccharine sweet making sure nobody had noticed her initial look, “Like, everyone wanted to date him he was a total stud-bucket”

“Were you there that night?”

“Yeah – everyone was, duh! But Carrie totally crashed and I don’t hang around with losers. Even being seen with her is like social suicide!” Harmony maintained firmly, as if that was the most important thing she had been interviewed on, “So I left early”

“Okay- that’s great Harmony. One last question: how are you and the rest of your high school class going to cope after this devastating loss?”

“Well, we’re all gonna graduate as long as we’re not all dead first. I am going to be a counsellor at Camp Crystal Lake in the summer. I’m just pleased to have a break from Sunnydale – senior year has been kind of a bummer so far what with the killings” Harmony shrugged and turned away, swishing her long blonde hair as she walked and her clique followed her. Even Cordelia rolled her eyes as Harmony walked past your group.

You stood motionless for a moment, it felt like a second to all of you but to onlookers there had been enough time to paint a detailed impressionist painting. The only title fitting was: loss. 

“Where do we go from here?” someone finally spoke up.

“To the function”

“I-I don’t think I can” Willow sobbed into Oz’s shoulder.

“It’s worse if we don’t show our faces. Even if it’s just for a minute…” You suggest, really wishing the words hadn’t come out of your mouth. You didn’t want to have to face Xander’s family again, “Angel said he might come, what with the sun going down soon”

“Free alcohol. Score” Faith smiled.

“You’re right” Buffy said, still staring into the distance.

“You wanna get drunk?” Faith raised an eyebrow that lowered when Buffy shook her head.

“No. Y/n’s right. We should go. But we all need to talk – in private, when our heads are clearer. Need to figure out what’s going on” Buffy spoke, her usual self-assured tone was weakened slightly. Her voice hoarse from all of the crying.

You all nodded distantly, walking into the function room together, but feeling miles apart.

Death! Destruction! Mayhem!

Sunnydale Express, October 1999.

Rioting of many stores in the centre of town has been widely reported by those on the ground. Many young people, have taken to the streets to ‘protest’ the curfew. These troubled teens do not understand the importance of hard work and have instead taken to looting and picking up where the killer left off: damning our town.

They have old friends to meet; Disco music to dance to and big ticket items to steal from struggling small businesses.

Meanwhile, the death toll of the cases related to the ‘Sunnydale Slasher’ is now 5, and we ask the residents of Sunnydale: when will they learn?

You walked into the magic shop, one of the only shops on the row that appeared to be untouched. Maybe people knew better than to loot a magic shop. The rest were fair game. You had been hoping to find some kind of ingredients that would help you sleep. Or at least, allow you to relax for even a minute. You felt responsible. For everything and you weren’t sure how to deal with it anymore.

But apparently, this store hadn’t been untouched by those taking what they wanted. You stumbled in on a vampire having a midday snack. Spike. Shit.

You started to back out slowly, but he had seen you. He dropped the corpse of the shop-owner and stepped over her, walking slowly towards you. You sighed, you really weren’t in the mood for this. Everyone around you was dying and now you had to talk to one of the undead.

“Don’t move” He warned, pointing at you as he licked the side of his mouth to catch the blood that had been dripping there. When he noticed that you weren’t even scared, almost a little bored – waiting for him to finish he got annoyed, “You know what I could do? I could snap your neck and-”

“I already have one killer after me, what’s one more?” You sighed again. He raised an eyebrow and you just shrugged, not willing to get into it. Not until he said something.

You had sat, sliding down the wall and he had for some unknown reason (to either of you) decided to join you. He was sobering up and needed some kind of distraction at any rate. He had been staring, sitting beside you and scanning your features in a way that would make you feel uncomfortable if you had cared what he was deciding on.

“You seem different, y/n. From last time, I mean. Not sad, but damned near it - you’re almost making me feel better about my Dru”

“I killed someone. Well, not me, but I helped cover it up…” You admit, after a huge sigh. Spike barely even blinked, this kind of confession didn’t phase him in the slightest.

“Who did?”

“Slayers”

“I think they have a licence to kill, love. Don’t make it right but there it is” he shrugged, ready to get back to his feet and look for some liquor. Until you spoke again.

“He was human” You say softly, “Mr Bates. He had a name and a-a family-”

“I’ve killed hundreds of humans, so what?” He spoke over your turmoil. He didn’t feel guilt in that way, so he couldn’t really relate to your low mood.

“It hurts. It aches… but worst of all it makes every experience I’ve ever had… tainted. Wrong in ways I can never describe. It’s like I’m walking through a nightmare, and everyone else is right there with me. It’s not as if I can go to the police. Or talk to anyone else about it… not properly”

“Thanks, that’s sure to make a fella feel special” implying he wasn’t counted in anyone. But he wasn’t very hurt by the statement. This was the first full conversation you had together, he wasn’t that invested in your relationship.

“You know what I mean” You shrugged. And he did. He started to explain to you why he was back. About Dru and everything that had happened since you last saw him. You tried your best to wade through your own thoughts and chip in here and there. He clearly needed to vent too.

You and Spike eventually left together. You had convinced him, after hearing of his predicament, he needed to convince Dru to take him back and he agreed. You walked part of the way before he was going to go and get into his car and you were going to head home.

Night had fallen and you were about to part ways when he came for you. Spike heard him before you saw him. But the figure still made the both of you flinch slightly, before Spike rolled his shoulders and decided he would have to fight doubly hard for showing that weakness.

The hood was down and you could see the mask properly. It was a black material, with a chiselled grey skull etched so forcefully it was as if it was his actual face. The bones were harsh and looked as if it could cut despite it being a plastic mask.

Spike ran straight for him and started to match his offensive blows with his own. Spike appeared to have the upper hand as you just stood and watched. You knew if it came down to it, you could be collateral damage and neither of them would be too bothered.

Somehow, Spike had been knocked to the floor and before he could get up, a scythe had been lodged deep into his torso, hitting the ground beneath him with a horrible metallic sound. The reaper hacked at Spike, who hissed and cursed at him, but didn’t die as the killer had suspected. The reaper stepped back a few paces. It allowed Spike to get to his feet. There was a lot of blood running down Spike’s torso. His shirt was in tatters.

“I bloody liked that shirt!” He snarled, looking down. Trying not to choke on the blood that was moving up his trachea. If he had been mortal, he would have died ten minutes ago.

The masked figure cocked his head, figuring something out. Not working. Not human.

Spike charged at him, throwing punches and blocking the scythe easily. He was stronger. Spike had bit into him and knocked him to the floor. He started to stamp on him repeatedly until a gargled choking sound was heard from behind the mask. He landed on more swift kick for good measure before deciding he was as good as dead.

Spike turned back to you, for some unknown reason, and for probably the first time in his un-life he went to check on you. A human. He felt that you had some kind of bond after you both shared your woes. He was about to ask if you needed any help before he drained the killer and left to find Dru, but the words never left his lips.

“Spike!” You screamed as you saw the killer rise to his feet and remove a stake from his pocket. It all happened in slow motion. Spike wasn’t able to turn quick enough, he had been caught off-guard. Bollocks. The killer plunged the wooden object directly into his heart and the bleach-blonde vampire exploded into a pile of dust.

“You did this” He spoke for the first time. His voice like gravel. He knelt and took a handful of dust and walked towards you. You stumbled back, hitting a brick wall. You had nowhere to run. You were backed into a corner. He threw the dust over you, leaving you spluttering and rubbing your eyes. You were expecting death any moment, but it never came.

When you opened your eyes again, there was nobody except you in the street.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Sunnydale Express, October 1999.

Many have petitioned the Mayors office due to the large volume of litter and dust that has appeared, often overnight, leaving citizens having to take matters into their own hands. The large number of ash filling our streets tells us that unauthorised fires and barbecues have been set up through town with little being done by authorities to subdue this illegal activity – especially after our newly enforced curfew.

We implore the mayor’s office to make an immediate press release and ensure there is enough man-power to make sure our humble town is cleared during the night.

You were in Giles’ house. It had been left to you. You were touched, but every footstep you made in that house filled your body with guilt.

You were hosting a scooby meeting. You didn’t have any food in, everyone had started to pass around Giles’ single malt, drinking it straight from the glass. Even Buffy took a sip every now and again. You all needed it. Life was starting to become unbearable. Cordelia had joined late, rushing straight from cheer practice.

“What do we know?” She asked as she set her bag down and looked around as if you had the killer tied up in the bathroom, waiting for her to come so you could unmask him. 

“Zip. Nothing”

“The killer is targetting us, that’s all we know. Some kind of twisted revenge. We just need to find out how he knows and why he’s so strong”

“Simple then” Faith shook her head.

“Oh and he takes out anyone in his way, so it’s not just us”

“What did the swim team ever do to him?” You wondered out loud

“It’s the tight pants, he likes a little modesty” Faith snickered and you scowled. How could she be so okay with this? She was the one that had stuck the stake in his hear, finished him off. You were feeling all this guilt and she just didn’t seem to even care.

“But does he even have any proof? Let’s just go to the police and say we’re being targeted”

“Yeah there’s witness protection! We could get new names!” Willow backed Buffy up quickly.

“That won’t change anything. We’re still killers” You mutter and everyone stopped. You had never said anything like that out loud before. You were usually the one that kept everyone optimistic. But it was too hard at the moment.

“Shut up! We’re not! It was an accident. Just an accident”

“How do you explain Giles?” you said glumly, glancing sideways to where his body had been.

“What is up your ass today? God, people are dead. We all feel it. But you’re just giving up! It’s not right!” Cordelia shouted. 

“I’m living in our dead librarians house. Rent free” You sighed, “The house we cleaned and made look like an accident”

“Can it, y/n. None of this is our fault. We gotta do this or we’d be in jail”

“But if we keep doing this, we’re going to die” You replied, “Like Spike… he was gone. Just… dust”

“Well, I can’t say I’m gonna shed many tears” Buffy muttered.

“He was… nice. The last thing he did before he died was come over to check on me”

“Oh come on, y/n! He was probably gonna eat you”

“Whatever. I know what I saw and I can’t help feeling that you’re suddenly on team psycho” you muttered. Faith was watching in interest, but didn’t speak up again. She took another swig of alcohol and shrugged. You couldn’t help think you saw a satisfied smirk on her face, but it may have been a trick of the light. Or the whiskey. You set the glass down and went to see what Willow was looking at some research. 

Giles had left some books open on his desk. He had been looking into the Sunnydale slasher, it seemed. When the books gave you nothing, you turned to the internet. You all started looking for some magical solution. There had to be something.

As the night wore on and the words got blurrier, it was getting harder to concentrate. And harder to get along.

“There’s no- no trace!” Willow said, getting more frustrated, “I can’t find anything”

“Maybe if someone did less cheating on her boyfriend and more reading” Cordelia snapped.

“That’s so not fair! I’m doing more than you!”

“Will, you’re doing the same amount as her” You offered. Cordelia had been researching too.

“Why are you always on her side – you’re supposed to be my best friend”

“I’m just being fair”

“You think this doesn’t involve you, huh?” Faith suddenly stood up and stared you down. You had been the first to admit you were at the centre of it all, but the way she phrased the comment, just made you snap.

“Well, you were the bitch that killed the poor man and managed to be surprisingly cool about it. Maybe you’ve done this before. Maybe, you did it on purpose!” You shouted and Faith pushed you hard. You landed on your ass.

“Fuck you!” She screamed. Not as cool or collected as you thought. The flash in her eyes spelled danger. It concealed guilt and deceit. It told you everything you needed to know. You got to your feet, walked straight out of the room and slammed your bedroom door. Allowing them to let themselves out.

Cordelia had gotten worked up as you stormed out, standing up to Buffy and shouting, “Sunnydale would have been better without you in it! All you do is attract stuff like this. You know who I blame, Buffy? You. You’re a Slayer all wow and look at me but what have you done? What have you done to protect any of us?!” Cordelia flung her arms out in annoyance, the glass that had been holding the whiskey flying out of her hand and crashing to the floor.

“Cordelia-” Buffy started.

“No, let her speak” Faith said nodding along.

“They’re picking us off one by one and of you – either of you – have done anything except hide bodies and celebrate that you’re slayers so you’re not gonna die! What about us!? What about people that are meant to be your friends?” Cordelia shouted. She was scared. She was angry. She couldn’t trust any of them anymore. You had given in. Willow just agreed with Buffy and she had a history with her. Buffy and Faith didn’t seem to be anything and she just wanted to escape. Hopefully with her life intact.

“Cor, we’re doing everything-”

“You’re not! You’re so not!”

“So what’s your plan then, huh? Lay down and wait for the killer to come get you? ‘Cause I haven’t heard anythin’ helpful come out of your mouth” Faith

“Shut up anyway, you just got here and you expect us to care? I hope you go next!” Cordelia screamed in Faith’s face. Faith just shrugged, but the whole room could tell that had stung her. She then turned back to Buffy,  “This is your fault, Buffy. This, everything that has happened since last Halloween is your fault”

“Get out” Buffy said firmly, “Go!” she raised her voice as a tear slid down her cheek and Willow quickly went to comfort her.

“Fine. I’ve had enough! I’m leaving – I’m moving! I don’t wanna see any of you ever again!” Cordelia shouted, slamming the front door behind her and cursing every single one of you as she huffed and stalked away into the night.

[asterekmess]

1-11 Scott/Posey Stans always try to deflect criticism of the way Scott McCall is written in Teen Wolf by claiming that ANY attempt by a fan, a viewer, or a critic of holding Scott to a level of behavior that one would expect of a character who is a main and the self-proclaimed hero of the show is “racism”. Except that their accusations don’t make any sense whatsoever, because Scott’s canonical shitty actions and behavior don’t stem from his race (or canonical lack of thereof.)

Okay hun, this is a doozy, so I’m putting it under a Read More.

2-11 Scott McCall is mean. He’s mean to Stiles, he’s mean to Allison, he’s mean to Derek, he’s mean to Peter, he’s mean to Cora, he’s mean to Lydia, he’s mean to Jackson, he’s mean to Erica, he’s mean to Isaac, he’s mean to Malia, he’s mean to Malia, he’s mean to Kira, he’s mean to Liam, he’s mean to Chris, and he’s even mean to Theo (“You are barely even human!”) Scott McCall is deliberately rude to the Hales, Boyd, Ethan, Danny, Hayden, Jiang, Tierney, and Melissa.

3-11 Scott McCall deliberately USES, INSULTS, HUMILIATES and DEHUMANIZES people in ways that demonstrate that he is fully aware of what he’s doing. Scott McCall deliberately disregards other people’s needs in order to fulfill his own. Tyler Posey being half Mexican doesn’t change the fact that his fictional character Scott McCall is a whiny coward and an abusive piece of trash,

4-11 and that his so called ‘defense squad’ enjoys the power fantasy that Scott can be cruel, can lie, can assault, can lash out, can violate other people’s boundaries, bodily autonomy and consent, can commit premeditated murder, can break the law without impunity, can dehumanize, can gaslight and victim blame his friends to his heart’s content and no one should ever hold it against him

5-11 In both the production and in some Scott supremacist fanfics, there’s often the premise that people are evil and in the wrong if they call Scott out on his bullshit or hold his toxic behavior against him. Take Season 1. As much as the Scott McCall defense squad brigade love framing Stiles and Derek getting shit done and prioritizing people’s life over Scott’s jealous fits and temper tantrums as the height of depravity

6-11 Scott/Posey Stans consciously and steadfastly ignore all the cruel things that Scott says and does throughout the seasons, such as “How much Adderall have you had today?” OR “What are you trying to do?! I just made first line! I got a date with a girl who I can't believe wants to go out with me and everything in my life is perfect! Why are you trying to ruin it?!” OR “The hunters had a reason to slaughter your entire family and pack”

7-11 (As an aside, it’s amazing to me how Fanon rewrites Scott as this brilliant thinker and strategist and mastermind who is so much smarter and better than everyone else in every way even though Canon Scott spends the entirety of Teen Wolf doing absolutely nothing except get his ass handed to him by everyone, whining about wanting to be popular/get his dick wet/play lacrosse, screaming at his friends and girlfriends, being utterly useless when left to his own devices,

8-11 and planning to bite Stiles against his will because he doesn’t know what to do. But I digress.) Or take Season 5. In the rain argument in Lies of Omission (5x09), Scott McCall’s hypocritical, dehumanizing speech to Stiles is one of the meanest, cruelest, most disgusting manipulations I have ever seen a television character deliver to another television character they supposedly cared about. It’s victim blaming and gaslighting at its vilest.

9-11 And, of course, the Scott McCall defense squad focuses exclusively on the idea that Stiles didn’t behave “the right way” in that scene (AKA taking Scott’s bullshit without clapping back like Scott wanted and demanded), and cannot entertain for one moment the idea that Scott provoked that response by dehumanizing Stiles and by accusing Stiles of being a violent, dangerous, inhuman monster and serial killer based on Theo’s words alone.

10-11 After all, it’s part of their power fantasy. Scott being “abandoned” and “mistreated” by his “ungrateful” friends serves another type of fantasy: the poor oppressed martyr. It doesn’t matter why Scott is abandoned or who is leaving Scott, it’s all about Scott McCall’s right to own people and demand his friends’ love, friendship, loyalty, sympathy, forgiveness, obedience and devotion without having to account for his own abusive behavior.

11-11 And that’s Scott Stans’ point: Only Scott McCall Is Important and Damn Derek/Stiles/Liam/Other Teen Wolf character for having a life and motivations that don’t revolve around Scott! To them (and to Canon Scott), the pack exists not to serve all its members, but to serve and validate Scott McWhinyCall. Because, after all, that’s what antis want for themselves – validation in the face of shortcomings and bad behavior.

Wow, that was a lot of anger. Do you feel any better after venting that? I really hope so, it honestly looks p cathartic. Okay, I apologize in advance if I don’t come across as quite so passionate, I’m kinda bleh today and I already used up all my righteous fury in an earlier post, so I’ll do my best.

I honestly understand the worry about people disliking Scott as having racist motivations. As I said in another post, there aren’t a lot of Latino (wait, I read somewhere to use latine? Should I use that instead? I’ll use that, someone correct me if I’m wrong. The thing also said latinx was not great bc of pronunciation issues? I’m not educated enough on this. Halp, please.) Latine protagonist characters in popular television, especially for teen dramas like Teen Wolf. Intentional or not, written into the show or not, Scott is half-latine. His mother is a latine woman. We don’t see them speak spanish or take part in any specific cultural traditions, but that doesn’t make him white. Yes, his character was written for a white guy, but Tyler Posey is the one who got the part and we can’t strip him of his heritage just because the show originally meant for Scott to be white. My husband is almost always mistaken for white, even though he’s also half-latine, but that doesn’t make him any less latine. There’s little enough representation as it is, and if we start being picky about whether characters were ‘intended’ or ‘written’ as POC, everything will just fall to shit. Plus, as a white person, I have literally no rights to decide that Scott’s white. I’m cool with that. Would prefer to just stay in my lane, if I’m honest. With Scott established as being a POC, it’s totally reasonable for other POC and fans of Scott to be worried that those of us who don’t like him have that opinion because of either passive or active racism. There are a lot of occasions where Protags of Color were either liked less, or actively disliked for just being ‘not white.’ It also doesn’t help that Scott is one of very few “good” Characters of Color in TW (whether we agree or not, he is presented as a ‘good guy’). We have Boyd, who dies in 3A and doesn’t get much character developement in the meantime, and Kira, who sticks around for a while, then has to leave because of ‘losing control’ which is apparently a very common stereotype for POC, especially within Fantasy or Supernatural settings. Other than them, the other POC are either bad guys or just morally dubious. I’m not sure where Deaton falls on the scale either. I understand it being frustrating to some people for us to take one of the few “good’ characters and see him/describe him as a villain. It’s important for white people, and honestly, anyone not latine (because even POC can be racist against people who aren’t their race) to be self-aware and analyze the various reasons why we dislike Scott and make sure that we aren’t accidentally being passively racist. Just because we’re sure we aren’t, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t double check. And if we find we are, then it’s up to us to correct that mindset and educate ourselves. There is no shame in learning that you have not great habits or mindsets and working to fix them. That’s how growth works. It’s equally important that when we’re writing fic, we watch how we portray him and the other POC in the show. I’m not saying we can’t write Scott bashing fic. Fuck knows that I’ve written plenty of Bad Friend Scott McCall fic, and I don’t intend to stop. But we still need to be self-critical and make sure that we’re not writing Scott (or the others, please assume from here on out I’m saying Scott and the others) into racist stereotypes. We shouldn’t reduce him to just a “Yes” man, or make him constantly submissive, or constantly vicious and angry and mean for no reason. It’s one thing to write him as doing something bad or cruel and making it realistic for the story. It’s quite another to have him just randomly pop in to say “fuck you” and hit someone (I’m not referencing something specific here, I’m just saying dumb stuff). Honestly, I don’t know enough about this and I’m not really entitled to go into too much more detail. Instead, I’d recommend that even if you don’t think you’re hating Scott for racist reasons, still read This Post about racism in fandom/fanfic. When I read it, it was both reassuring and intimidating. I have anxiety, so I’m usually worried about doing things for ‘the wrong reason’ even when that’s not actually my reason for doing the thing. Reading this gave me a clearer view of my own thoughts, and it honestly made me feel a little more comfortable with my own mentality because it gave me a structure to think about and consider when I’m worried that I’m doing something racist. It’s worth the read. I’d also like to reiterate the suggestion on that post, to check out the blog Writing with Color, which is a great resource for writing Characters of Color. It doesn’t have as many resources for fanfiction writing and the grey area involved in writing characters that your reader already knows, but their ask box is closed at the moment, so maybe when it opens again someone’ll send in an ask about it (If I actually remember to, I’ll do it myself, but that’s unlikely, so if one of you feels so inspired, please do so and help a fic writer out!)

Now. I cannot speak for every single fan of TW who is anti-Scott in some way. Obviously not. But, I can speak for myself and for the experiences I’ve had within the fandom. My issues with Scott are many and complex and a lot of it is intrinsically connected to issues with the writing of the show in general and with the creators and the calls they made. In all the conversations that I’ve had with other fans, I’ve never seen anyone list Scott’s race as a problem. I’ve never seen anyone talk about how they wished he were more submissive or more obedient. Maybe that he would listen to actual adults once in a while, but not that he be unreasonably obedient of white characters. I’m not all-knowing on the subject of racist stereotypes, but nearly every complaint I’ve seen was based on details from the show and specific moments and dialogue, not just a general disgust with his existence. Furthermore, for all the anger I see directed at those of us that prefer Stiles, Derek, or even Peter, I’ve also never talked to anyone who liked those characters who wasn’t willing to admit that there were plenty of points in canon where they fucked up or did something wrong. Again, I don’t know everyone in fandom, so maybe there are people who won’t admit those things, but they aren’t in the majority.

I personally hate the way I see Scott treat people in the show. I hate the really vicious things he says and does and the chronic lack of self-awareness or growth. Even worse, the way the show excuses his behavior, be it intentional or not, has soured a lot of other parts of the show. The clearly impulsive moments that could easily be excused by him being a really stressed out teenager make me a lot more frustrated than they would, had I not known that he would never get better. That he would never stop saying things like that. I can’t even make myself enjoy the genuinely sweet moments with him and Allison or him and his mom, etc. I might hate that he left Stiles’ messages unanswered and skipped an entire day of school during a crisis to hang out with Allison, but I would’ve liked to enjoy their banter, the soft moments between them that are actually really nice. I can’t though, because so many other things about his character have ruined that for me.

It isn’t okay to attack people for disliking a character and throw around such charged words like “racist” and “abuse-apologist” or anything else. First off, this is fiction, and we all need to keep that in mind. These are not real people we’re talking about. Secondly, calling someone racist because they disagree with you (unless they are actively saying/doing something actually racist) isn’t okay and it isn’t an adult way to deal with things. Someone not liking a character doesn’t automatically make them racist. Someone happening to prefer a white character over a Character of Color doesn’t automatically make them racist. Sure, they might have passively racist motivations that even they don’t realize. But it is not up to strangers to come yell and call names without proof. There are plenty of reasons that have nothing to do with race (Not saying “i don’t see race.” I’m saying “Not About Race”) that I like Stiles over Scott, ranging from the fact that he’s physically more my type, to sharing a neurological condition with him, to just preferring Dylan O’Brien as an actor because he makes me fucking cry every time he cries on screen. What’s important is that we self analyze and check ourselves and our opinions to make sure that we aren’t falling into the racist habit of disliking Characters of Color for no real reason. But that isn’t something that other people can do for us, and it’s not their place to tell us what we think. Calling a stranger racist for saying they hate Scott’s behavior in the show doesn’t do anything for racial equality. It just makes people stop listening to the word ‘racist.’

There are times I seriously get frustrated with TW to the point of considering not watching anymore. Of closing my blog and stopping reading fanfic entirely because every single time I read a fic where Scott’s a ‘good guy’ or a ‘good alpha’ or where Derek is glad to be a beta again because he likes following Alpha Scott, I get squicked so badly I have to click out and just sit there for a second to settle. I can’t disentangle the things he does/says in the show from the fic.And I’ve written Good Friend Scott McCall fics. I have multiple wips where he’s either a decent person or he grows from being a dick to being a decent person. With my own work, I know that there’s an awareness to his behavior in the show and an active intent to rewrite/fix his behavior so that he is a nice person. With other people’s works, I don’t have a guarantee (unless it’s mentioned in tags or author’s notes, and I don’t expect people to have to explain themselves that way), and it personally makes me uncomfortable to read something when I don’t know if the writer actually sees Scott that way. It’s a personal preference, and one that I stick to pretty strictly.

Scott brings me no joy, and with him as the main character, I’ve come perilously close to cutting myself off from the most welcoming, loving fandom I’ve ever been a part of (except the Merlin fandom, but I don’t blame anyone who can’t compete with them. They’re fucking magical.). But I’m still here. I still love, if not the reality of the show, then all the potential I see in it when I watch. I love watching Derek and Stiles interact with each other and with the other side characters. I love seeing the glimpses of Boyd that we get, the tiny scenes of Erica, the snarky moments with Isaac. I even like Kira, though I haven’t seen a whole lot of the show where she’s in it/genuinely can’t remember it (I can’t even remember how far I’ve seen total, but I don’t think it was past S4, and I haven’t seen past S2 in months and months) and she spends most of her scenes with Scott, which just....kind of ruins the scenes for me.

That’s the glory of fandom though, of media in general. I don’t have to like Scott. I can love Derek and Stiles instead and I can choose not to read fics where Scott is a major player or an Alpha at all. I can read fics where Kira’s part of the pack without Scott ever getting involved, and see her interact with everyone else. Or fics where Boyd never dies and watch him bake or read or play lacrosse with the pack. I can curate my own experience, whether that means blocking tags or users or filtering fics, or just straight up skipping certain scenes/episodes of the show itself. I cope with my frustrations by coming on this blog and ranting about it. Yeah, this is a public space, but it’s also a space people choose to view. If they don’t like my opinions, they can block me or unfollow me or all of the above. They don’t have to read it, just like I don’t have to read any of their pro-scott stuff. I also read fic that does explore how Scott’s behavior is problematic and cruel sometimes. Fic that either erases him or turns him into the villain, I find fun and interesting and the relationship between him and Stiles cracking into pieces is something I find extremely cathartic, so I read it pretty much every chance I get (though, i’m so picky about fics I read, you’ve no idea). I also write fic. I write the most mushy, self-indulgent sterek fic and Stiles-centric fic and and Scott bashing fic that I can possibly write. It’s a joy and a therapy all its own. Fuck, I’m rewriting the entirety of canon for fuck’s sake and I’ve made so many changes that at this point I honestly have issues remembering what happens in the show, bc I rewrote the damn thing.

At the same time, Scott fans are gonna write their power fantasies. They’re gonna write anti-Stiles stuff and anti-Derek stuff, and whatever else tickles their fancy. They’re gonna make their own rant posts and gifsets. And to be quite honest, I don’t give a single flying fuck. I already have those tags filtered out on Ao3. I don’t follow any pro-scott tumblrs. That shit doesn’t show up for me most of the time, unless it’s not tagged properly, and even then I just click out, take a second, and move on.

No one is required to like or dislike specific characters, and it’s unfair of anyone to tell us otherwise. Fandom is built on choice. The choice to disagree with canon, or to re-envision it altogether, or to love it entirely. No one can take that away from you. So long as you aren’t hurting anybody, just keep doing you, friend. I’m here for you to vent to when it gets to be too much.

<3

[zashamalkin]

Translation of Anna Kasterova’s live interview on 5/29/20.

Thanks to my amazing Gino Anon, the entire interview is translated below the cut. Final word count, btw, is 2405 so like, send big thanks their way. Holy shit! 

Anna got sick few days before the interview. Not covid, just a cold, that later turned into otitis. It was very painful, but now she’s feeling way better, though she still has some trouble hearing with her left ear. They talk a bit about the weather in Miami (it’s been raining there for a few days, but it’s still pretty hot). Igor asks if they’re allowed to swim during the quarantine. Anna says that the 1/ 

beaches were recently open, but there are obviously rules about keeping the safe distance. “Is Zhenya a good swimmer?” “Yeah, he’s great. He’s spending a lot of time with Nikita, teaching him how to swim. More in the pool though, than in the ocean.” “How do you and Zhenya feel about the latest news in NHL?” “I think, the idea is pretty good. Everyone has been waiting on some news about this season. I asked Zhenya if he preferred for the season to be cancelled. He said, he wanted to finish it 2/ 

properly. This season has been great for him, he’s in a great shape. And even though he hasn’t been skating for 2 months, he’s still been training pretty hard, running, roller skating and he didn’t lose his shape.” She thinks everything is turning pretty good so far and it’s great that the teams will have a time for training camps and a chance to go to playoffs.“In your opinion, were the players mentally prepared to continue the season?” “I think, those, who genuinely want to go to playoffs, 3/ 

have been working very hard to be ready, when the time comes. But, for sure, there are some players, who spent more time relaxing, rather than training. A lot of teams are asking their players to come back and start training on the ice and not all of the players follow their instructions.” “What are the rules about practice right now? Are they allowed to train in groups or…?” “There are no details about it yet. It haven’t even been decided yet, what cities will be chosen as Hub cities. So far 4/ 

the coaches are asking players to stay in shape. They have video calls together, where they go through different footage every time. But, as far as I understand, the organization and the coaching staff are ready for the players to come back.” “How do the players feel about the new rules for playoffs this season?” “No negative feelings. They’ve been under a lot of mental pressure, not knowing anything about the season and the playoffs. Everything seems pretty logical and they’re very happy to 5/ 

get back on ice and to have a chance to fight for SC.” “Is there any inside information about what cities will be chosen as Hubs?” “No one knows anything for sure. But I know that they’re very carefully considering epidemiological situation in the cities and will choose the safest options. ” *I SUCK at translating hockey terminology from Russian to English, so I’m sorry if anything is incorrect.* “Do you think it would’ve been fairer to include the numbers of “play-in” (I have no idea what he 6/ 

means by “play-in”) as well as the Robin Rounds into the statistics of regular season? Because it would give the players, like Ovechkin and Panarin, and Malkin to gain more points.” “It’s a very difficult question. But I’m sure NHL and NHLPA have gone over all the possible scenarios and have chosen the best one.” “How has Geno been handling the quarantine?” “He’s been very calm and collected. He’s been doing great mentally, smiling and cracking jokes, and keeping us safe and happy.” “Why did 7/

your family (meaning Geno, Anna and Nikita) decide to do a covid testing in early April?” “I had a pneumonia in November and wanted to find out for myself, if it was covid-induced, if I had any antibodies for the virus. But all the testing came back negative. None of us had it.” “What books did you and Zhenya read during the quarantine?” “Zhenya likes to read fantasy books. He’s been reading “Quantum Warrior: The Future of the Mind” by John Kehoe.” “Does he read in English?” “No, in English 8/

he’s mostly watching TV shows.” “I was very impressed by the story, that after his 1st season in NHL, Zhenya hired Russian language and literature teacher.” “He’s had a lot of free time these past 2 months and he’s hired 2 tutors: English language tutor to work on his grammar and Russian language tutor. (*Sorry, I don’t know if I need to explain this, but Geno obviously knows how to speak Russian. What I think Anna means here, is that the pronunciation of the words in Russian changes depending9/

on where the person is from. Every region has its own accent. I think, what Geno is trying to do, is lose his Magnitogorsk accent and start to speak clearer Russian, like ppl in Moscow of St. Petersburg do.*) He has classes with his tutors Monday to Friday. I’m very happy for him.” One of Geno’s friends in Russia has been robbed recently. Igor is asking Anna, if they ever considered buying a gun, since it’s allowed in US. Anna says no, they feel safe and they live a good neighborhood. She 10/

doesn’t think it necessary or appropriate. They talk a bit about Ovi’s second child being born recently and if Geno and Anna are planning on having a second child any time soon. “Of course, we wouldn’t mind having another child. If it happens, we’ll be very happy. I would like to have a girl, though.” “What’s the best way to describe Zhenya’s and Ovechkin’s relationships today? Are they friends or rivals” “Both. And healthy rivalry is very important in order to reach their personal goals.” 11/

“When Caps and Pens play each other, is it possible for them to go have dinner after.” “No.” “What can you say about the relationships between Zhenya and Sidney Crosby? When we talked with Zhenya last year, he said very nice and kind things about him. Even though Zhenya is in Sid’s shadow a lot of the time.” “I can talk about it for hours. They push each other and make each other stronger. But they also can step in and do more than anyone, when the other is hurt and not playing. Off the ice, 12/

they are very good friends and they support each other. Have I ever thought about what his life would be like, if he was the only star player in a team? I think, he’d be the best player in the whole NHL. He’s very intelligent in terms of building a game, always plans 2-3 steps ahead. He’s very fearless in his game, very talented and vey multilateral player. He’s very unique. They won together THREE STANLEY CUPS! No one's saying Crosby is less talented. He’s an incredible player, he works very13/

hard every day. They are 2 number 1 players in this team. If Zhenya ever asked me if I’d like him to play in New York, f/e, I’d say, no. Pittsburgh is his city, his home. And management and coaching staff are also a very important part of team success. The relationship inside the team is very important. And Pens are the best in that, imo.” “You two watched Super Bowl at Sid’s place. What’s it like there?” “It’s a tradition. Every year Sid invites the team with their wifes/gfs/kids to watch 14/

Super Bowl. His gf Kathy does all the cooking. She’s a very geart person, very hospitable. *omg, this is the first time I hear any1 talking about Sid’s gf 😀, aww* Everyone on the team is very open, very kind, they are great guys. It’s the best thing about Pens. So we’re always happy to accept Sid’s invitation and we always have a great time.” “Do you want Nikita to become a hockey player?” “We’re not gonna push him to it. If it’s something he wants, sure. But I have big plans for his 15/

education. I’d like him to know 2 languages, (English) and Russian, especially grammar, not just being able to speak it freely. I’m studying with him and for an almost 4 yo he already knows quite a lot. And it’s always very hard for a child of a parent, who has achieved so much, to surpass that kind of success. And I don’t want my son to have this kind of pressure on him. I don’t want him to be known solely as “Malkin’s son”. For me it’s very important for him to get a good education and to 16/

choose his path in life.” “Talking about the tv series about Michael Jordan, would you like a bio series to be shot about Zhenya?” “I know he wants to act, in a tv series or in a movie. He talked about it many times. As for a biopic, of course I would like that. He has a huge success story. A man from a simple, working class family. It’s very expensive to play hockey. And he was so talented even in a young age, that his coaches would sometimes bring him a puck, or a stick, or a uniform, for 17/

free. Add to that a story about him finally getting to NHL.” “Zhenya said once in an interview, that you fight sometimes about him not being open enough w/ you, not sharing his problems etc. Has it changed during the quarantine?” “Everything’s been great during quarantine. During the season, he’s under a lot of pressure and always takes it hard if the team loses or if he doesn’t score. Right now he’s very calm and happy, and everything is great.” A question about a conflict around Geno having18/

a USA passport (a lot of people in Russia, his celebrity friends especially, weren’t happy with that, and judged him for that). What does Anna think about it? “He’s a patriot. He loves his country and his city. We were in a hopeless situation, when I needed to get all the documents ready ASAP, and we needed to get married, and him having a US passport would speed that up. You could say, he did it for me. On the other hand, America is his 2nd home. He spends here more time than in Russia. He’s19/

been working here for years. Why is that such a big problem? It’s not like he turned his back on Russia or anything.” Then she talked about Geno’s donation to families in Magnitogorsk, who suffered bc of explosion that happened there in December 2018, and how much he gives to his community in Russia, that ppl don’t know about, bc he prefers not to advertise it. Then Igor keeps asking political questions and Anna is getting more and more irritated by them. Geno publicly supported Putin’s 20/

reelection whenever that was, and interviewer is asking whether him having an American passport is appropriate, considering that he’s a part of Putin team? “Why is it inappropriate? America and Russia are not enemies. Yes, there are some unresolved political issues. They are 2 huge countries, of course they will always feel threatened by each other. But I don’t see any serious political confrontation. Maybe bc we’re in US right now. But Zhenya has a great respect for his president. *bleh, I 21/

don’t like Putin. I know, she has to say nice things about him, bc as long as Geno is a part of Team Russia and wants to have a life in Russia, they can’t be openly against him. But both Geno and Anna don’t strike me as ppl, who will support Putin’s ideals. Sorry for me butting in w/ my opinion*” Question about Geno’s new diet after 18-19 season. “He never drinks alcohol during season. He doesn’t eat potatoes anymore. It’s very hard to cook him a soup w/o any potatoes in it. No sweet things,22/

no gluten. Now before games, he eats gluten-free pasta.” “Is he very superstitious? Do you try to wean him off some of them?” “No, if it makes him feel comfortable, why would I do that?” She declined to name any of them, bc it’s a personal thing for Geno. “Do you put in any work in Zhenya’s image and style?” “I think so, a bit. His sense of style has become better, his taste in literature.” “Zhenya’s favorite music?” “Russian pop-music mostly.” Question about Geno’s gaming habits. Anna 23/

doesn’t try to control him or tell him not to play, bc for him these computer games are a way to relax. She doesn’t mind. It’s his personal time. He doesn’t have his computer in Miami, so he found another way to spend time – studying with his tutors. Question about Olympics. “Yes, he’d like to win a gold medal with Team Russia, when the time comes.” He doesn’t feel jealous about Datsyuk or Kovalchuk, who have an Olympic gold. “Do you think, Zhenya’s last hockey season before retirement will 24/

be in Magnitogorsk?” “Sure, I don’t see why not. He’s very grateful for everything Metallurg gave him and it would seem logical for him to come back there before retiring.” “What is Zhenya’s biggest motivation right now?” “He’s very self-critical (she means Geno’s words about his skills in 18-19 season). He always has a high bar for himself and je always tries to reach it.” Question about Geno reaching 1000 pts. “It was a very big moment for us and a big win for him. He was very inspired 25/

by it and it gave him a lot of self-confidence.” ‘Was Zhenya mad about not making NHL’s 100 players list?” “I was. I was very angry. But he knows his value and what he’s achieved as a player. But it was very strange for me.” “Who do you think Zhenya wil be after his career ends? And how will your life together change? Will you spend more time in Russia or in US?” “It’s a tough question. I imagine a house by the lake, in Russia, with kids and, later, grandkids. With a big fireplace. I think, 26/

after finishing his career, we’d like to travel a bit. But I don’t know. It’s something you should ask him.”

[soysaucecas]

oooh for the ask game 24, 30, and 44!

MAGPIE MY BELOVED HELLO

24. What are your favorite episodes?

The only episodes I've really watched are TMWWBK (which is my favorite episode and I'm certain would still be my favorite if I watched every single one because it has the only SPN character and the only SPN line), The French Mistake (which was funny enough but honestly in the Just Okay category for me, which makes me pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy actually watching SPN if this is one of the funniest/highest-rated eps), and Reading Is Fundamental (my best friend was watching it and asked me if I wanted to hop on Discord, I thought it might be fun to see Kevin's first introduction but instead this ep found the two of us taking like 90 minutes to get through it bc we kept pausing and screaming (derogatory) as the model minority stereotype jokes piled up and up and up... Unfortunately not a favorite even if we got Meg AND the "pull my finger" joke AND the "Sorry" shot). Other than TMWWBK, from clipping and transcript-reading, I like Wayward Sisters (who doesn't?), The Things We Left Behind (Claire!!!! Cas trying to be a dad! The diner scene aka my favorite destiel scene of all time bc being in love just looks so good on Cas! Also the parallels between Claire and Randy and teen Dean and the adults at that club in his story... woof.), Golden Time (Eileen gets to be HERE and be sad and loved and fight people with ghost powers and Cas gets to do a cool speech and a stabbing and do the Asian community a favor), and Lucifer Rising (just immensely sexy on all counts for Ruby, Sam, Cas, and myself). Also I am SO fond of Steve!Cas so I'll add Heaven Can't Wait even if I barely know anything about it.

30. What is an unpopular opinion or headcanon you have about the show?

Ooh okay hm I think. So I adore confession scene, but I don't think the "I cared about the whole world because of you" is like. The Objective Truth the way that most bloggers seem to take it. Cas was lobotomized tons of times before he met Dean, he was described as coming off the line with a crack in his chassis, he's always been the weird little angel who likes humanity too much! I don't think Dean came first, and although gay love was part of what helped Cas invent free will, he *Ruby voice* didn't need the feather to fly, Dumbo! I do think Cas believes what he says in the moment, but I also think he sorta... made himself believe it? This is probably just me deciding that cas-coding should go both ways, but like. I very much crush as a coping mechanism and I very much overascribe my actions to love because it simply seems more noble/poetic to do so. Being miserable because school is hard is cringefail but being miserable because of unrequited love is Good Shit. And I have been in unrequited love with my best friend for at least 7 years (probably 9 but I didn't realize it earlier) and if you asked I would 100% say that she taught me love and defined love for me and that she will be my first and last, but I also know that that is not entirely true; it's just the narrative that I like for myself. And I think that being in an Empty deal contingent on whether or not he LETS himself feel happy would lead Cas to do plenty of mental maneuvering, which I think involved intentional self-poor-little-meow-meow-ification via overascribing his choices and happiness to Dean (and I also think he'd already been doing that for a while just because of personal self-worth issues and because it's a nice narrative). I know as Cas's last Moment on the show it was probably written to be The Objective Truth, but I am perceiving him and I say no.

44. If you could write an episode of Supernatural, what would happen?

Oh scream okay! This is a fun one! I am going to start out with two ideas from other people:

1. Months ago Nate from the pocnatural discord had the idea of an episode from the "monster"'s perspective where the Winchesters are just clearly the antagonists while not doing anything different than they usually do. I think the idea was that all these supernatural beings live in a self-regulating community together and we have one Very Likable pov character who's a member of this community, but one of the newer members messes up one day and kills someone and the Winchesters come on a case and wreak havoc on this Very Much Functioning (there was going to be a whole rehab and reparations thing for the new member who messed up!) system and kill pov character and in the end you just HATE Sam and Dean for it.

2. It's hard to adapt anything from bad moon rising (aka my favorite spn fic) very well because the point of an Arab Winchesters season 1 rewrite is that it doesn't really work with the white characters we have now, but I think I could see a version of chapter 2 adapted as long as Haley (an Ojibwe hunter who lives in the area affected by what Sam and Dean are hunting) takes the lead. I'd especially like to see this section:

Dean laughs, a little disbelievingly. The question has never crossed his mind. “Do you like it?”

This gives Haley no pause at all. “Yeah,” she says. “I mean, it’s not really about killing monsters, though, for me. Or, it’s not always about killing monsters. It’s about community. Not violence. It’s a spiritual thing to build a home, you know?”

“Oh,” Dean says. He can’t think of anything else to say. It has never crossed his mind before that hunting could be compatible with a community.

I don't have any original episode ideas to add to the hunting discourse, so we're on to my ideas about character-driven eps. I think I would like to see a version of my sastiel possession fic (ty again for beta-ing that! you're a real one) as an ep around the time of 9.11 because Sam deserves to work through their trauma, but idk what the Dean plot should be for that. Another thing I would like very much is TFW drunk history storytime (so like. Tall Tales bass boosted), where for some reason they all need to go over what they were doing during Stanford era but each of them is telling someone else's story. It's gonna be either Sam->Dean->Cas->Sam or Dean->Sam->Cas->Dean. It starts out very funny (they all have terrible wigs and makeup in the flashbacks. Cas is Jimmy wearing a giant mask with googly eyes on it.) but as it goes on it gets increasingly sad how much these three don't really know each other.

In the Sam->Dean->Cas->Sam episode, Sam's telling of Dean's past veers wildly between "crushing pussy and killing things" and "feels like absolute shit all the time" and it's funny but Not Right and afterwards Dean goes "I didn't know you thought of me that way" and Sam says "... I am basically reading off the voicemails you left me back then" and Dean has to sit there and contend with the mythology he himself wrote for Sam to believe in. Dean->Cas provides the comedic beats for the episode as Dean awkwardly narrates Cas's Life As A Weird Little Guy who watches trees grow and heals babies and in the end Dean goes "so how did I do" and Cas is like "well actually I was either getting lobotomized or murdering people so like 3/10?" The moral of this plot line is that Dean is bi. Cas gives a fairly faithful retelling of Sam living her trans little life at Stanford and veering between trying to be Normal and being a total weirdgirl and feeling guilty and angry and happy and free. It becomes clear that Cas admires Sam a lot (but also feels like. guilt and some self-recrimination for not being that) for rebelling from their dad and exploring their queerness during a time Cas was still to his knowledge in total soldier mode, and Sam is having an a_good_soldier's Thesis 5 moment about how she failed the kid she used to be and how very sorry they are about all the things that happened to them, and Dean hates that this is the first he's hearing about so much of this but is also quite emo about the parts where Sam is struggling. The ep ends with them all in the same room not looking at each other and not knowing if they want to group hug or never talk again.

Dean->Sam->Cas episode is similar but the storytelling dissolves a lot faster as it becomes clearer way faster how much their own emotions are getting in the way. Dean is upset that Sam could leave their family so easily and probably swing a normal life, Sam keeps wondering what it would be like to live millennia just KNOWING that you were right and good and clean, and Cas is gay and veering between fitting Dean's life into a larger Righteous Man narrative and just being very tender (and sad and angry) about Dean's pain. Episode ends in a rather cathartic shouting match where they all end up apologizing to each other for many things.

Oh also I would like to see Cassie again but I don't have an episode in mind there. Also would love to see Kaia adjusting to life in Sioux Falls and befriending the others and dealing with Bad Place trauma.

tysm for the questions sorry for taking so long!

(ask game)

[duhragonball]

For the character ask: Jotaro!

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: Jotaro is my favorite JoJo, which feels kind of weird to say, since I think he’s the most popular one, and I don’t like being a bandwagoner, but sometimes the majority knows what’s up.  Part 2 was all about Joseph inheriting the legacy of his dead grandfather, for better or worse, and Part 3 was set up to be the same thing, except Jotaro’s grandfather was still alive, and Jotaro himself didn’t seem to be the good-natured kid that the previous JoJo’s were.   Early into Part 3, I figured the gag here was that this one was the jerkstore of the family, and Joseph was kept on to serve as the actual hero of the story, in order to balance out Jotaro’s shittiness. 

But as the arc wore on, it became clear that Jotaro was a hero in his own right.   He just needed an occasion to rise to.   Near the beginning of Stardust Crusaders, it felt like Avdol, Polnareff, and Kakyoin were getting more screen time than Jotaro or Joseph, and the whole ensemble cast concept was confusing to me, but eventually it became clear that Jotaro was the most dangerous one of the group.   Eventually, the bad guys started to worry about him more than the others, and his strengths became clearer.   Near the end, a lot of the bad guys would talk about their “invincible” Stands, and claim that Dio was the only one who could defeat them, and then Jotaro would beat them, indicating that Jotaro was on Dio’s level.   

I don’t know that he ever really stopped being a jerk.   I think it’s more fair to say that everyone just started liking him better once they got to know him, and he lightened up a little after he found his place in life.    He was frustrated as a teenager in school, but once he found out what his Stand was all about, and that he could use it to punch out actual villains, he got less surly about it all. 

Mostly, I find him relatable as a guy who’s more interested in getting shit done as opposed to glad-handing and turning that frown upside-down.   I find it empowering that a grouchy, antisocial dude could be the hero of a story like this, and held in the same regard as your Jonathans, Josephs, and Josukes.     

Why I don’t: How dare he call his own mother a bitch, huh?!

Favorite episode (scene if movie): Oh, the part where he caves in Dio’s skull and pours gasoline on him.    That’s the best one.   Danny’s smiling down from Dog Heaven.

Favorite season/movie: Not sure how to make this one work for JoJo, but let’s just say Part 3 and move on.

Favorite line:

Roses are red.

Mr. Hooper’s a grocer.

Favorite outfit: It’s hard to choose, but I do like the audacity of Jotaro going all-white in Parts 4 and 5.   It’s like he only wore black in Part 3 because the school made him do it.   

OTP: Uh, Jotaro and his wife, I guess.

Brotp: I don’t know if it counts, but my favorite parts of Part 3 were when Jotaro and Joseph had to work together on stuff.

Head Canon: I don’t think I have any.

Unpopular opinion: Spice Girl could kick Star Platinum’s ass.  

A wish: Part 7taro

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: Part 8taro.

5 words to best describe them: E. Honda Stage Background, sorta.

My nickname for them: Joot, I guess.

[initiumseries]

Which parts of BTVS did you not like and how would you have changed them?

Yes! Great question. 

So, if I’m being honest, most, if not all, of my issues with BTVS start after she graduates high school. I feel like the show lost the magic of the Scoobies bond and the older they got, the more distance we had from them as characters, the more OOC it felt like everyone started behaving, So, I’ll start with s4, buckle in this is gonna be long lol.

Season 4

So as usual, I like the idea of season 4. The gang has graduated, they’re growing up, and trying to find their place in such a big pond. On top of that, the Initiative is on campus (which makes sense, you can’t just blow up a high school and there are no repercussions for that, and it’s kinda cool the idea of instead of a govn’t lockdown, they infiltrate Sunnydale and are running experiments to weaponize demons. Clever, fun. I like it.), and ofc Buffy’s given up having a normal life, but now she just wants a normal relationship, and doesn’t even get that. I’m on board. Especially the idea that the gang inadvertently drifts away from each other because that’s real. That happens when you go away to college, even if you go away together. So my issues, are rooted in the details. 

Maggie Walsh turned into this weird obsessive surrogate mother, who wanted to get Buffy out of the way, except the execution was so sloppy. I LIKED commanding, no nonsense, bitch monster from hell Maggie Walsh, and I would have liked to see that follow through in how she attempts to dispose of Buffy, and how she handles Riley. She becomes this soft, weirdly maternal unhinged force after trying to kill Buffy, and I don’t really understand why. I would have liked to see more of that motherly role, while still rooted in that commander in chief sort of aura she exudes when we first meet her, when it comes to Riley. I also thought her death came too soon, like they just didn’t know what to do with her after she executed her function *coughs in the Anointed One* of creating tension between Buffy and Riley (which, honestly, his being in the Initiative at all would have been enough conflict if they had leaned into that without stuffing so much stuff in there). I definitely would have had Maggie maintain that strength and authority, while softening where necessary to emotionally manipulate Riley. I’d make it really clear that Riley is deeply confused because we believe the hold she has on him, and withdrawal on the drugs would have been a nice touch, but I think it came too soon. Which leads me directly into: 

Super cool. I remember when I first watched this on TV and the gang finally rebonded (after a HILARIOUS episode of them finally addressing their conflicts), they’d reached the climax with the Initiative and Adam and Buffy does a very Sailor Moon thing of all the different emotional strengths of her friends bond together to give her enough power to defeat Adam. LOVE IT. 

Except what’s the point? Prof. Walsh created Adam...for what exactly? We never really get a clear, salient reason for that, bc they kill her, and Adam’s exposition is...not sufficient to explain why she had an off the books project to stitch together a...demon son. It’s weird and especially because Adam doesn’t really do all that much, it really leaves me wondering like, what was the point? For me, I feel like, instead of making Adam a spectator for a lot of the drama that takes place in s4, I would have preferred him be the driving force. behind most things. 

Also: Riley’s Black friend would not have been such an angry misogynistic raging asshole because I’m tired of Black people being The Worst to make the white characters look better, more reasonable.

I would have needed a stronger explanation for Adam trying to turn Riley into...whatever that was. 

Willow would have been bi and I absolutely would have, if I went in that direction, had a much more fleshed out discovery of that fact (Because in this world Seth wouldn’t have left lol). I also would have made sure Willow and the actress who played Tara would have had the chemistry they deserved.  

Anya would not have stayed in Sunnydale. She would have left. She was a poor man’s Cordelia and had 0 character growth or interest. 

Season 5

Again, love the ideas. Suddenly Buffy has a sister we ALL knew wasn’t there before? A God shows up? What I love(d) about Buffy is that the escalations felt so natural? Like it didn’t feel like the show was like HoW dO wE oUtDo oURsElVes aGaIN?! It felt more organic like, well, yeah, the govnt. Oh shit, a GOD? D A M N! And Glory had personality! She was crazy! And it also matches alongside Buffy’s coming to grips with her own abilities. She’s one of the oldest slayers on record at this point, watching her in s1 and in s5 you SEE, her skill level is above and beyond, and now she meets a foe that still provides such a challenge, Buffy is scared. LOVE IT.

So Spike, getting neutered, was interesting at first, but it really starts to wear out its welcome for me, about this time. My problem being, he poses so little of a threat, that all his scenes start to feel like filler and not like they’re driving the plot forward in any useful way. His obsession with Buffy becoming sexual, was INLINE for Spike, but I liked Spike because he was a DICK, he was also dangerous, and after a lot of hilarious moments in S4, watching his basically creep around Buffy’s house and try to manipulate her into spending time together (which felt soooo pathetic to me in a way I didn’t like) and like, the Buffy bot (fucking ew) all season was just, not a fun time. I think, for me, I would have had Spike maintain his dignity as a character and I absolutely would not have had him threaten Dru’s life to drive home his obsession for Buffy. Ew. Yuck. Cringe. I just think there had to be more that Spike could do this season than run around chasing Buffy’s coattails. 

One again, Tara/Willow. Tara had no character development (even in an episode that was created to provide her with development? I definitely would have made use of that episode to create more ACTUAL depth for her character) so then to turn around and have her become mindless for basically the REST of the season, is just, rude lol. And because they have no chemistry and their relationship feels so...baseless, when this moment happens, I don’t feel anything. I don’t believe WIllow would be this angry, this heartbroken, this devastated that she’d take in such dark magicks and blindly go after Glory. I’d believe it if it were Oz, but Tara/Willow do not get the same level of build up and relationship establishing for me to buy this. I would have changed that.

Unpopular opinion, but I also would have made Dawn less of an UTTERLY irritating, shrill, whiny, screaming white tween. I get it, she was supposed to be the baby. But I get nothing from watching a white girl who is mostly just bored and irritated with her life, start shoplifting from her sister’s friends and in general, because she’s kinda sad sometimes. Get a grip. The only time I feel bad for her is when she finds out she’s not real. Actual problems. Wicked, I’m on board. But I think I would have just made her less fucking annoying and whiny and a lot more sympathetic. She still could have been frustrating and bratty, but in a way that was a bit more likeable, so that in those moments where she’s *genuinely* struggling, you feel for her on a broader scope. I would not have made her do all of those incredibly infuriating, incredibly stupid things, like running away in the middle of a dangerous situation. Because it ends up reading to me, like Buffy’s anger, frustration and criticisms of Dawn aren’t her being too hard on her as the eldest, as the Slayer, but accurate because Dawn is a horrendous nightmare of a new human being with no real redeeming qualities. Definitely a better ways to execute that. 

Also, I feel like this season is where the Scoobies drift again, but this time we aren’t really addressing it? Buffy’s dealing with Joyce getting sick, Riley being a POS, Spike stalking her, and she never leans on Willow for any of it. They never even really talk about any of the things going on. It’s such a missed opportunity to lean back into the core gang navigating growing up together. Willow is now basically the guardian of her new partner, and again, we don’t really see WIllow lean on Buffy at all. And Giles is preparing to leave, which, to me, felt organic. He felt like Buffy had outgrown him, but I think he was also trying to rediscover himself, but is pulled back into being a Watcher and he seems both grateful and disappointed. I would have liked to, I donno, make that a little clearer. Also what is Xander doing at this point? He’s outgrown his usefulness as well, so he kinda just becomes a hanger’s on. If Xander doesn’t just leave Sunnydale after s3 or 4. He needs to do *something*, he should have been reintegrated into the group in a new way if it wasn’t through school. 

Season 6 

This is so hard. I feel like this season is just, SO dark, SO heavy, and absent the levity that had been established up til s4. But it’s also really earned. Buffy is going through it. The layers are wonderful. I LOVE IT. But I also needed like...emotional breaks? And this is also kinda where I needed the scoobies to feel like scoobies, and trying to figure out how to help their friend.  Xander and Willow have been friends their entire lives, and season 3 really fleshes out that emotional shorthand they have, but it’s so quickly abandoned in s4 and onward. Suddenly Willow/Xander feel like strangers with Anya and Tara between them. I feel like there should have been more moments of Xander and Willow just..being, and struggling with Buffy’s loss together in a way that only the two of them really understand because like Buffy said Xander has a piece of her that Oz, and so then Tara, can’t reach. That should be a constant thoroughline. Xander should have been the first person to see something wasn’t quite right with Willow and the magic. 

Giles should have left earlier to give more time between him leaving and Buffy coming back. I like the idea of Giles beginning to build a life for himself in England and literally dropping everything once he found out Buffy was back. I emotionally hate the conflict of Willow threatening Giles, but I like it as a character development issue, and Giles definitely should have side eyed Willow, maybe even brought up his concerns later with Xander. 

I think I also would have had Spike leave Sunnydale and come back when Buffy does. I didn’t need a reformed Spike, and it would have been interesting to see him ingratiate himself with the group now that Buffy is back, and he’s the only one who sees how much pain she’s in. 

I HATED Warren and the group. The disgustingly overwhelming and unchecked misogyny and Warren was INSANELY unlikeable. I don’t need to like him, but I needed some catharsis way before we got it. He was HORRENDOUS. 

Even in death, Tara is bland. 

Willow’s magic addiction legit comes out of nowhere. I needed more organic build up than Amy, who has been a rat for like 3 years, suddenly being like “hey I know this guys who can give us magic drugs!” 

The chasm between Willow and Buffy this season would have hit if they hadn’t been distant since s3. 

I think we needed the seeds for Dark!Willow planted a lot earlier like I described. 

Also a lot more evidence that Willow was running away from her nerdy past because when it comes up here, it’s completely left field.

This would have hit harder if they still felt close. 

Season 7

Fuck man, the whole thing was awful. But I ESPECIALLY would have thrown out that left field retcon of Buffy having been in an asylum. I lost sleep over that shit lol.

 But I would have totally rewritten season 7. If Spike’s involvement was necessary (it wasn’t), then I absolutely would not have had her defend him against Wood and Giles. I would have had her treat him extremely coolly. Like a tool they require. There would have been *some* level of redemption for him that was believable within the confines of his character, but not so much that we forget he’s an assaulter.

 The Potentials would have been WAY fucking less horrendously annoying and I really would have leaned into conflict avoidance with the scoobies that reaches a peak when Xander loses his eye. Giles and Buffy would have renegotiated their adult parent/child relationship in a far healthier way and we would have had a lot more interiority with Buffy like we’ve had, pretty much since the show’s inception. 

Angel would have been there when Buffy was isolated and alone, not Spike. Because #bangel4lyfe lmao. They still woulda kissed as a “greeting” lol. Buffy would not have told Spike she loved him, or that she ever loved him. She woulda told that dude thank you and dipped out of the cave lol. 

[lihikainanea]

Vibe of the week 23/08

The HWIC is in.

Gird your loins, mind the gap, fasten your seatbelts and pour yourself a drank. There are no emergency exits at this time. We do not apologize.

The Oracle this week is the Earth Power, and the Tarot is the Wizard’s Tarot. Sidenote about that deck--it has, quite literally, been glued to my side for a few weeks now. That deck is being real good to me, despite my initial hatred for it. I’m sorry boo. We cool now.

Sidenote sidenote: My dudes, Leo season has got me all kinds of fucked up. My Leos. They are in pain. Unprecedented pain, and they’re navigating unfamiliar territory and I just...I just want to hold their hands. Tell them it’ll be okay. I got an inkling of it when I did that spontaneous reading for Bill’s birthday and I pulled cards that kind of just had me going whoa now, hold on a goddamn second. I wanted to re-shuffle and pull again and specify that uh, this is Leo we’re talking about but that’s not really how Tarot works. They show me truth. That was just...that was just a preview. A small one. Ali’s Tarot on YouTube is one of my favourites (I find her weirdly ASMR? Also, dat riffle shuffle. Sick.) and I’ve been watching my own Libra readings along with the Leo ones because something is just...something is not right with Leo. The universe is beating the shit out of my Leos. This one, in particular, hurt me for like the entire fucking week. Bill, my dude, wherever you are--just like, get drunk or something. Call Landon. Go see Landon. Just do something before that Tower crumbles around you, in whatever way it is referring to.

The Oracle card this week is Amazonia:

The affirmation: I am interconnected with the world in an intimate way. I am vital. I can find a way to co-create rather than confront.

Words to meditate on: self-value, harmony, cooperation balance.

There is no such thing as consequence in this world, every single one of us is interconnected both with each other and with the universe. We have value. We have place being here--you hear me? You belong here. You have purpose here. You have value to add to this life, this world, this relationship--everywhere you go, you bring value and light.

And with that light, shine it inwards for guidance and for wisdom. Don’t ever raise your voice--improve your argument. Do not stop fighting, but fight differently. Fight smarter. Fight in a way that you are the only one who knows that this is a fight. 

Find better ways. Whatever it is that is opposing you, find better ways.

The Tarot:

HAHAHA /FUCK

It’s fine. It’s all fine. We can do this.

1) The World (Major)

2) Two of Cups

3) The Magician (Major)

4) The Chariot (Major)

5) The High Priestess (Major)

Overarching theme: Seven of Cups.

That’s four Major Arcana in a six card spread.

That is more than half.

I SEE YOU, LEO, YOU OVERACHIEVING SON OF A---

If you were waiting for a sign from the universe--that’s it. That’s your sign. Four fucking signs, actually. I feel like you doubted all the ones before so now the universe is like “fucking really? Get it through your thick fucking skull--” and just got all ornery about it.

Let’s unpack this.

The only Suit that shows up is Cups, so this is heart-based. 

Overarching theme as the Seven of Cups--escapism. The Seven of Cups is dat bitch who is too drunk in the club, drunk and sloppy to the point where you’re not even annoyed--because if she’s at that point, then you know homegirl is dealing with some shit. And you wish her the best. Maybe step on the toilet paper stuck on her heel as she exits the bathroom, so that at least she can have a small win that night.

This card is euphoria but in the bad sense. You need the escape. You look for it anywhere. You will accept it from everywhere. There’s a delaying or denial of reality here, a resistance to responsibility--but like, in 2020? Honestly who can fucking blame us. Yes I will take my escapeism, thank you very much. The Devil I know can kill me any time he likes.

It might fucking hurt less than the entire BULLSHIT that is this year.

The World--This is the last card in the Major Arcana, before the Fool is reborn and the cycle starts again. There is completion, here. But where as Death steals from us something that we do not wish to let go of, The World ends it gracefully, naturally, in a way that brings us peace, satisfaction. In a way that makes us feel stronger, and more ready to take on the next challenges. The World speaks of retreat, of quiet and well earned rest. I don’t feel, in this reading, that this symbolizes the end of a cycle--but rather, the very exuberant birth of another one. Something happened here, you realized something. Something became clearer to you, something became more concrete, something got through to you in the way you needed to receive it, and like a fucking champ you welcomed it with open arms. And off you go on this journey.

The Two of Cups--ah, young love. This could mean literal love, or it could mean that incredible feeling that is instigated by something else. Something is bringing you joy here, is giving you a bit of a thrill--whether it’s school, a new friend, a new job, an adventure, you are looking forward to something and you’re all cute and starry-eyed about it. The Magician tells me it’s something you have wanted for awhile.

Actually, you know what? I can’t read the next cards independently, they all go together.

You are just....honey, you feelin’ yourself.

You hoped for something, worked very hard at it, manifested it, thought about it a lot, and in doing that you kind of...brought it to you. Attracted it to you. And yes it’s real, and yes it’s yours. This one is for you. And it happened a little quicker than you thought possible, maybe even a little easier (did you really want it that bad? There’s no way you could have wanted it more than the 8000 other people who didn’t get it. Why did you get it? You don’t deserve this. Shut up. You hear me? Shut those thoughts the fuck up. This is yours.) And what’s even better is this is just--this is not done. That Chariot, he’s moving quickly kid and he’s heading right for you and beyond. Hop on, and hold on. The High Priestess has you channeling the highest version of yourself--the one who knows all, sees all.

You ever get approached by a guy in a bar or a club, one that you just know is scum and like, so far beneath you? You ever just calmly stare at him, knowing you could crush him and everything he loves, without even breaking a sweat? And enjoy it? Because crushing this dude might knock him down a few pegs, which is a win for humanity everywhere? That’s your High Priestess. She is Queen B, man. You don’t want to fuck with her, and when she shows up in a spread like this? She’s got you. She’s got you so hard. Her and all of her friends are standing behind you, ready to fuck that guy’s shit up.

Your intuition is strong right now. Things are moving, you feel like they’re moving in a good way, but it’s so fast and so random and so spontaneous that you kind of just...can’t believe it. Remember the overarching energy of escapism--go along for the ride, but don’t stay on it. Let this move you forward, but then be ready to hop off and put in the good work. An easy high is addictive, and it’s one you want to stay on--but don’t. It will lead you to stagnation, to a denial of reality. You are here because hard work was done. You get to enjoy it now--you get to rest, but more hard work will need to be done to stay on this path.

Remember the Oracle, about how we’re interconnected? This is the universe proving it. It’s saying that it’s got you. The bit about fighting a different fight, fighting smarter? Channel your High Priestess. She understands it at a level you cannot--she is with you, she’s not a warning here but a guide--be open to it, be humble, and know that there is more. There is more that you don’t understand. There is more that you cannot see. Know that, and bring her with you--ad she will show you a different way. A better way.

[infinitywithyou]

In times that he cried

Inspired by those five times + 1 time fics, featuring our many, many Seblaine verses through the years both here and on discord.  Title from Seasons of Love from the musical Rent, which seems appropriate to measure the many seasons of love of this particular couple of ours.  And your birthday.  Although you usually write Sebastian, I’ve written these from his POV to show that you have always managed to write him with a heart.  Especially when Blaine is involved.  You, and he, are loved.

@problmatics​

1.  The thing about making the move towards something you want is that when you get it, when you find yourself with everything you thought you always wanted, it can be... overwhelming.  It isn’t just a single moment.  It’s an ongoing thing.  And that is a lot harder.  Pulling off a romantic, secret admirer type of mistletoe first kiss had been easy compared to the undaunting task of what comes next.  And although he was loathe to admit it, it wasn’t something he’d been prepared for.  Sebastian wasn’t proud of what he’d done, the way he’d ghosted Blaine for a majority of the rest of the school year, and then promptly disappeared to Paris like usual.

Paris of course, always made everything better; clearer.  Strolling the streets, coffee in hand, head filled with snippets of voices speaking his first language as he peered into shop windows, until his eyes came across something that was so unbelievably Blaine Anderson, that it knocked the wind, the breath, right from his lungs.  And maybe that was how Sebastian knew, deep down, in that place he often ignored, that this was worth taking a chance on.  He went in and bought the bow tie and had it gift wrapped in the store.  

He had a plan returning from Paris.  Or, an idea, at the very least.  And was determined to see it through.  But life... moves on.  It kept going, even when he was not there.  So all Sebastian could do is realize missed moments and opportunities.  Find a quiet, private spot, and let the disappointment and sadness wash over him.   Not that he'd ever admit to that; no, because no boy had ever gotten to him like this.  Not even Blaine Anderson.  But sometimes, sometimes, life, and Blaine, will give him a second chance.   (300 words)

2. As Sebastian stood there, dressed in a black tux, with light silver accents, he reflected in how he’d gotten here.  15 years; sometimes it felt like a life time, other times it felt like he’d blinked and it had all disappeared.  He would never have thought it would take him this long to get his life, and shit together.  It was truly as testament to Blaine’s love and loyalty, that the other was still there beside him; or would be, when he and Cooper arrived.  Blaine had waited ten years for an engagement; Sebastian had never intended to make him wait another five for the wedding.  

But things kept coming up, time seemed to slip through his fingers like quicksand.  Blaine deserved perfect;  tonight it was simple, basic, but classic, and romantic.  Black and white, with silver and gold accents for the New Year.  The silver, highlighting the grey sprinkled in Sebastian's hair the last couple of years.  Most days he couldn’t be bothered to do much about except hide it under a ball cap or a beanie. Thankfully it wasn’t yet showing in his facial hair.  Tonight he was clean shaven, and the grey in his hair coiffed stylishly.  The gold, of course was for Blaine’s eyes, and the warmth, and comfort, Sebastian had always found there.  

Because they'd waited long enough, and Sebastian wasn't starting another year without Blaine as his husband.  Plus if the date meant that many of their guests had other plans; it didn't bother him or his anxiety any.  When Cooper arrived with Blaine, who looked shocked, but relieved, Sebastian felt the sting of hot tears in the corners of his eyes.  Feelings, real feelings, breaking through the fog he often found himself surrounded by.  Because of Blaine.  It was always because of Blaine.  (300 words)

3. Sebastian laid propped on his side, still a little tender, watching as Blaine slept soundly beside him.  Pink still tinged his cheeks, sweat still had his hair slick at his hairline and even in his sleep his lips curled in a small smile.  Even asleep, he was beautiful to Sebastian.  It had been a long couple of days; a week, ten days?  He'd lost count as to when things had started to fall apart.  Blaine no doubt needed the sleep, if his own restless was any indication of how his ex boyfriend felt in the days since their break up.  

Sebastian would never had imagined that he would be the one to break up with Blaine, but he had, and had in a way, destroyed the younger man beside him.  Until Blaine had managed to see him, to see the truth behind what Sebastian was doing, and challenged him, appropriately.  Which was how they had ended up here, in a hotel room, broken up, but having just made love, the first time for Blaine.  It was fucked up, but that was his way Sebastian realized, eyes dampening because he'd done this to Blaine. The only saving grace was that Sebastian had convinced Blaine to top so at least the other would still have the opportunity to experience that first the proper way.  

Eyelashes fluttered but eyes didn't open, as a soft gravely voice murmured.  "Stop staring, why aren't you sleeping?" Blaine asked.  

"I don't know what you're talking about.  I am not staring, I was sleeping," Sebastian lied, a smile on his lips as he pulled Blaine closer.  "How are you feeling sunshine?  Are you okay?" he asked, pressing a kiss to Blaine's temple.  

Blaine's eyes fluttered open, finding Sebastian's.  "I'm good, really good.  I promise.  How are you 'Bas?"   (300 words)

4. Sebastian knew that it did cross a line.  Sending a porn link to his...crush... who happened to be in a relationship with someone else.  Even if he felt that there was no way Blaine was being properly satisfied in his current relationship.  And so what if the actors in the porn had similarities to them?  It was purely a coincidence.  He and Blaine had always been able to talk about anything, so why should taking about sex, and what they liked, be off limits just because Blaine was in a relationship?  Why was it wrong to picture his friend jerking off while watching said porn?  Or to watch it, imagining it was the two of them, while he got off.  

What really got to Sebastian though, was the way Blaine couldn't see just how wrong this relationship was for him.  That he could really see Sebastian, but not see what Sebastian could, would, offer him.  It was frustrating.  Listening to Blaine talk about Kurt, both good and bad, was becoming harder and harder for Sebastian.  So many times he just wanted to blurt out what he really thought, how he really felt, but he couldn't.  Because the thing was, as much as he valued his friendship with the golden eyed boy, friendship wasn't what he really wanted with Blaine.  It would never be the only thing he wanted.  But he was Sebastian Smythe and he didn't do broken hearted.  He wouldn't let a boy break his heart.  Especially not a boy that didn't even realize he had it, or wanted it, to begin with.  

It wasn't crossing a line Sebastian thought, gripping himself tightly and stroking slowly, to imagine Blaine's perfect ass, tight around him.  When he climaxed, hot tears fell while he spilled over his hand with a sob. (300 words)

5.  Sebastian stared down at his phone and the last message from the boy, man, he called Wolfie.  Blaine was going.  He and Quinn were going to lay out a map, throw a dart, and they were leaving town together.  Blaine was leaving without him, without even talking to him or saying good bye.  After everything that had happened between them, after everything that almost happened, after what could happen, Blaine was leaving.  Blaine was leaving and Sebastian was.... heartbroken.  

He paced around his room nervously, little things here and there catching his eye and reminding him of the tattooed, curly haired, leather jacket wearing loner that somehow saw him better than the people he'd known his whole life.  Who would see him now, who would noticed when he was barely floating, or worse, drowning.  Sebastian pulled a small bag out of his closet and began tossing those items into it.  He had to find them.  He had to talk to Blaine, face to face before he and the blonde left town.  This wasn't how it was supposed to end.  

"Where are you," Sebastian texted back.  "You can't just leave like this.  You can't just leave and not say good bye to me.  I thought..."  he didn't finish the text but sent it anyway.  Hot tears stung at his eyes.  "Regardless of what I thought, you're a coward if you leave like this and I know you're not a coward Blaine Anderson.  Wolves aren't cowards."  He picked up his jacket, pocketing his phone and slung the bag over his shoulder, turning for the door when he heard a knock.  A knock on the window.  Sebastian turned around, spotting a familiar figure on the other side of the glass.  He went to the window and opened it.  

"What are you doing here?"   (300 words)

+1. Good bye's were hard.  Especially when they involved someone you loved.  But that was why hellos meant so much more.  Even though he and Blaine had fought their families, Sebastian knew being in New York, at Columbia was where he was supposed to be, even while Blaine was still in Texas.  Still the prospect of a visit from his boyfriend was welcomed.  He understood why Blaine didn't want him at the airport, but now he stood in his apartment in New York City, pacing past the windows, waiting for lights signaling a car coming in.  They had five whole days together, and then in about two weeks Sebastian would be back in Texas for Thanksgiving for about the same amount of time, and then they'd have almost a month at Christmas.  It wasn't the same as seeing his boyfriend every day, but it was better than nothing.  And it was just for a year.  By the end of August, if not earlier, Blaine would join him in New York, and they'd be back together full time.  Sebastian couldn't wait.  

Lights lit up the street downstairs as the car slowed to a stop in front of his building.  Sebastian grabbed his coat and rushed down the stairs, opening the door just as Blaine stepped onto the sidewalk with his bags.  "Killer," he breathed, arms immediately wrapping Blaine up in his arms, before their lips met.  He expected tears, one's he couldn't stop from streaming down his face.  The kind of ugly cry that he sometimes teased his boyfriend about during the more romantic movies Blaine sometimes picked, but instead all he could do was beam a wide smile at him instead.   So much so that his cheeks already hurt.  "You're a sight for these sore eyes.  I'm so glad you're here." (300 words)

[annakie]

An Annotated Mass Effect Playthrough, Part Six

Wherein we get out into space and explore a bit, and complete our crew.

And post a lot of gifs, because screenshots were lost.

List of Posts: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

So I use the NVidia Control Panel app to take screenshots and videos.  Since it’s already running and it takes good shots it seems dumb to not use it.

I ended up being super busy this week and didn’t play much, just got through like, talking to Kaidan after the big speech on the bridge more or less for the entire week, and through Therum.  I updated my drivers a day or two ago.  And then I didn’t notice that for whatever reason, yesterday when I went to play for a few hours, NVidia decided to record videos just fine, but not take screenshots.  I probably actually mashed the button several hundred times.... but all I got were videos.

Most of it wasn’t a great loss, it was a lot of talking to the crew, and a few planetary missions which... so I’m going to have to go back and redo some of it later for screenshots.

But I thought... hey, for posting on tumblr, I’ll just make it a shorter update and make a few gifs and most this a mostly-gif post!  That’ll be fun!

...and then I spent several hours making almost 80 gifs, including a lot of what I also had screenshots for but thought making gifs would be more fun.  

I mean I was watching the last few eps of the newest season of Great British Bake Off on Netflix, and a few other shows this morning so it wasn’t just gif time... but yeah I made a lot.  So I might split this into two posts now because... that’s a lot of gifs. This post will still have a lot of screenshots, too.  So here we go!

There are so many things to love about this moment.  It’s such a great like, re-launch of the game... Bioware telling us “Okay, now you know the plot, you know all the major players, you know a lot about our world (galaxy) and how it works and who lives here, now, it’s time for you to go out on your own.”

First, it starts with being able to vent a little to Joker, which is a nice touch.  Shepard might feel guilty about taking the ship over from Anderson, but Joker also assures us here, a great preview of the way he’s tasked with helping Shepard keep it together in ME3.

I love seeing Shepard’s words affect the crew.  The swelling music, the same as the “you’re a Spectre now!!” music just underscores the journey, and what’s to come.

I used to always miss this scene by not picking the right speech option, and would be mad Kaidan was left out of this montage.  My fault!

This moment is so beautiful and epic.

...and here we go.

ALOT, btw, makes the galaxy map so pretty.  Sharper and clearer and more colorful.  

We all usually just head to Liara’s Dig Site first, right?  Unless you’re doing one of those “Pick up Liara last just to see what happens” playthroughs?  I did that once. It felt weird.  And sad, when you tell her “oops I killed your mom and I’m not sorry.”  Seems like she shouldn’t have gotten over that so quickly, but well, that’s game design.  The entire plot just doesn’t feel the same and more flimsy without Liara around from the start.

I usually do Therum --> Feros --> Noveria --> Virmire.

Well okay, first a stop at Edolus, since, you know, it’s on the way.

What a LOVELY day, nothing could possibly go wrong on this barren world. I feel like they gave us a pretty easy-to-get-around-on world to start out with.

I honestly love driving around in the mako 90% of the time?  Once you’re used to the controls, it’s not that hard to get most places you want to go.  Though I admit the Nomad in Andromeda is a big upgrade.  I kinda miss it in ME2 and ME3, though I only do what driving is necessary in Overlord and skip Firewalker like, half the time.

First, let’s check out the map...

I’m pretty sure I didn’t realize you could mark your destination on the map and it’d put a handy arrow on your radar until I started playing on PC.  Before then I was checking the map every 5 seconds making SURE I was going the right way.  *facepalm*  

Generally my scanning strategy on the planet is... just go to the things on the map, but do go to ALL the things on the map.  If I see something along the way, stop and get it.  I don’t go way out of my way to look for unmarked stuff.  Usually the UNC missions can be completed doing that + complete planet / asteroid scanning.

Oh hey here’s a guy, let’s just grab what we can off him...

UGH.  MINIGAMES.

Like I get that the minigame is a stand in for “looking for clues, are you successful in finding anything useful?” or whatever but it’s still just the worst.  A minigame is fun occasionally, making it as a gate to something like looting a body is stupid.  I guess I have to forgo actually putting points into things that keep Kaidan alive at the early levels so he can help me... loot bodies.  Cool.  Great.

Since I’m cheating in credits, all weapons and armor get medigelled almost immediately so that I don’t have to do the minigame later on when they get harder, like, ever.

The ME2 minigames at least make a little more sense than this moving puzzler thing.  That’s at least an attempt to look like some kind of code hacking or rewiring/reprogramming.  This thing is just... silly.

ME2 has a disable minigames mod... so there will be no talk of minigames from here on out.  They don’t exist after the easy minigames early on in ME1.

So I ... somehow managed to not get video or screenshots of you know the ICONIC THRESHER MAW attack on Edolus?  So please enjoy this gif I made of it back in 2013 instead.

It’s such a great fakeout and moment.  Like “Oh man how easy my goal is like right in front of me!  That’s great, so easy!” then OH HELL NO, FUCK YOU, GIANT WORM!!

These gifs are from another planet later on, but they’ll do.

My normal MO with Maws is to get out of the way, far enough that they can’t appear too close to or especially under me, but close enough that they do still show up, then stay stationary and jump over the goo while shooting at it.

YOU’RE FACING THE OTHER WAY HOW DID YOU SPIT AT ME?!

This is fine.  EVERYTHING IS FINE. We’re just A LITTLE ON FIRE.  Our shields are at full...

Oh hell, Kaidan slap some medigel on it, please.

Even though we don’t know who Cerberus is yet, FUCK YOU CERBERUS. I always bring the VS to any Cerberus mission because THEY WERE RIGHT NOT TO JOIN YOU IN CERBERUS.  Let’s keep a FUCK YOU CERBERUS count going to remember all the horrible shit we SAW Cerberus do in ME1 to remind ourselves why Ashley or Kaidan is the only SANE ONE for going “No, sorry, I’m not joining you in Cerberus.”

Deep breath

OK, let’s go get Liara.

Wrex comes with us to Therum.

Dear Lord, Therum is gorgeous.

This is real nice just a pleasant day on this thresher maw-less planet and great scenery, we’ll find that asari scientist in no ti--- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Have I mentioned how everything is fine lately?

Well it’s time for how I deal with most of the geth while in the Mako...

Armatures are worth five points each!

Rocket troopers are only two points, but I got a lot of them!

Stopping and fighting in the Mako takes way too long.  Push on through all the way til we’re stopped.

Hm, this is the one I should push, right?

*crickets*

Fine.

Just... real pretty.

I love this part of Therum right here.  A really great, scary fight that feels so dangerous, but winnable.  Great level design, too.

Then this happens.

Does everyone’s hair do that in this cutscene, or just mine, or this hairstyle?

Also, ME3 has a mod now that lets chracters use their correct weapons in cutscenes, my eternal devotion to the modder who could do that in ME1.  None of these characters use assault rifles in-game!!

I’m fairly certain I have played and replayed this fight more than any other in ME1.  AKA RUN FOR COVER OH SHIT AVOID THE BOMBS AND LASERS FLYING AT YOU AT ONCE PLEASE DON’T DIE COMPANIONS PLEASE KILL SOMETHING I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN AHHHHH!!! 

This time around, I died my first time, actually did really well the second time, and decided to go back and record the fight for gifs and... won, barely.  The gifs would not be good.  Wrex and Kaidan didn’t last long. 

Anyway, It’s a great cutscene, but hoo boy I wish it were skippable.

Okay but what were these ruins *for*.  Also, real lucky that they had the boss fight way up here instead of down where Liara was.

Speaking of Liara...

Hello Doctor T’soni!

I have a lot of questions like... how long have you been in that bubble?  How are you sustaining it that long?  How long has it been since you’ve eaten?  If I didn’t come get you until after Virmire, would you have been holding that bubble up for the weeks in between then and now?  

Ah well, you’re here now, and I suppose I’m going to owe you my life later so... welcome to the team.

You gotta admit that’s one badass entrance, though uh, if the forcefield is still up, where did he come from?  Doesn’t matter.  Wrex, let’s kill us one of your brethren (sorry.)

I’ll just *assume* that Liara is too tired from holding up her stasis bubble she was in to actually be USEFUL.

I love the chaos of running the fuck out of there.

Texture popping is still an issue even with a decent computer and texture packs, but at least it’s quick now.

Also I really feel the loss of this conference room in the future games.  The awkward oval table never quite feels the same.  But also, uh, this is a lot of room taken up in this small ship for eight chairs and a holoprojector.  You gotta think there’s more uses for this space than just that.

But yeah, I love these check-ins, it’s a chance for everyone to get together and really hash out what’s going on, as well as reinforcing the plot to the players in a more natural way.  Having Liara this early will let us understand the Protheans better at an earlier stage, even if it turns out she’s wrong about some stuff (though at the time this was written, she was right for all everyone knew.)

Wrex and Garrus don’t talk much here, probably because you can make it through the game without one of them.  I did a “didn’t recruit Garrus” playthrough in ME2 once.  They change like one or two lines then Garrus goes back to talking about Old Times.  So like you CAN, but you really shouldn’t not recruit Garrus, because Bioware didn’t do a great job changing anything aside from your initial greeting during the Omega Archangel mission.

Not recruiting Wrex, though.  Wow that’ll have consequences later on.

OK!  So the gang’s all here, and this post is already very long.  Next time: Let’s go talk to everyone for awhile, and do a few more sidequests because we can’t go back to the Citadel til our persuasion is high enough to grind Mikhailovich’s arguments into the dust!