#sarges incorrect quotes

[sergeantwoods]

soap: *gets down on one knee* ghost: oh my god its happening soap: *falls over* ghost: the poisons finally kicking in

--

soap: am i going too far? gaz: no, no, no. you went too far about seven hours ago. now you're going to prison.

--

price: i have ten blank notebooks and i have no clue what to put in them. suggestions? soap: put spaghetti in it. price: im literally taking suggestions from anyone but you. gaz: put spaghetti in it. price: im currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two. ghost: put spaghetti in it. price: im no longer taking suggestions.

--

gaz: roach, i'm sad. roach: *holds out arms for a hug* its going to be okay. soap, watching them: ghost, im sad. ghost: mood

--

soap: you lying, cheating, piece of shit!! gaz: oh yeah? you're the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD soap: im leaving you, and IM TAKING GHOST WITH ME price, picking up the monopoly board: i think we're going to stop playing now.

--

soap: is stabbing someone immoral? gaz: not if they consent to it. ghost: depends on who you're stabbing. price: YES?!? --

soap: self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys. price: no, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap! ghost: self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you!! self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! self care is the fear in your enemies eyes !!!! gaz: lmao self care is me takin your birthday cake so i can just eat the frosting soap: if you touch my birthday cake i will eat your hands. -- soap: do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? or if their limbs were just slightly too long? or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed something on the street and you just didn’t notice it? gaz: stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!! soap: you know what? that wasn't my point at all, but glad i could spread some inspiration.

[emi-chan674]

Grif : Would you take a bullet for me?

Simmons : ...yes?

*Sarge angrily burst into the room*

Grif: *running away* Great, thanks!

[agentcaboose]

Church's Burgers

A collection of incorrect quotes using Bob's burgers

Wash: It’s important for Church to do his own stuff. He’s not just Church of Church's Burgers, he’s a person.

Caboose: If he’s not just Church, then why is his name Chruch?

Wash: It’s Leonard.

Tucker: Sounds weird.

Caboose: Yeah, we don’t believe you.

Caboose: you gotta do it with me :(

Church: what? no, no way

Caboose: yes like when you got that flu shot to show me it was ok

Church: yeah that was brave of me

Church: *sleepwalking*

Simmons: Church is a sleepwalker?

Tucker: not normally, should we wake him?

Sarge: never wake a sleepwalker. they could get violent, and whatever you do don't give him an axe

Tucker: what? an axe? Why would we give him an axe?

Sarge: Don't!

Caboose: LETS GIVE HIM AN AXE!

Grif: Simmons' gonna be okay I made him a PB&J. He said he didn't want it, so I ate it.

Grif: He was still sad, so I made him another PB&J. He didn't want that one either, so I ate it.

Grif: Anyway, Simmons wants to be alone for a while, and we're out of peanut butter.

Wash: this is the longest two hours of my life...

Tucker: Just wait until childbirth, sister.

Wash: What?

Tucker: What?

Donut: Your ass is grass and I’m gonna mow it

Tucker: LEAVE ME ALONE

[slyvester101]

Sarge: I expected better from you

Grif: Well that’s your fault, I got nothing to do with that

[peachbuniu]

Wash: are you sure you don’t have hypersomnia, Grif?

Grif: the fuck is that?

Wash: it basically means that you sleep a lot more than you’re supposed to

Grif: what? There’s a medical term for that? Damn! Now I can get sick leave for like- ever!

Simmons: we’re retired, dumbass, you don’t need sick leave.

Grif: sure, we are now, but it’s good to have it handy, you know?

——————————————————

Sarge: men! Front and center on the double!

Grif: oh no. Simmons, do you wanna tell him?

Simmons: tell him what? Wait- is this about the-

Grif: sir, I can’t do drills anymore. I’m terminally ill

Sarge: [silence]

Simmons: sir, are you okay?

[cut to sarge yelling for joy, shooting his gun in the air while running in circles, and driving the warthog around while yelling]

Sarge: wait.

[sarge turns the car around and drives right up next to grif]

Sarge: what does terminal mean?

Simmons: it means incurable and fatal, sir

Sarge: I know what it means, simmons! I wanna know what it means to Grif! For all I know, he could mean that his arms are now too short to reach the potato chips on the other side of the couch, so he’ll just sit there and starve to death!

Simmons: that is plausible, sir

Grif: I’m a hypersomniac.

Sarge: a hyper-what-what?

Simmons: It means he sleeps an unhealthy amount.

Sarge: well, stop the fuckin’ presses, Grif sleeps a lot.

Simmons: yeah, we’ve been through this Grif, you don’t have anything, you’re just a lazy fuck

Grif: I can’t believe what I have to deal with from my own team while I’m so ill.

Simmons: you’re not fucking SICK

Grif: I’m just gonna go now, I feel another small coma coming on

Simmons: I think you just mean you want to nap.

Sarge: here’s to hoping you don’t wake up from this one

Donut: hey, sarge, did you want the streamers to be in crimson red, or blood red?

Sarge: party’s off, donut, he ain’t dyin’.

[Grif’s loud snoring is heard]

Sarge: on second thought, let’s just delay the party

[iamrizaka]

Carolina: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Wash, watching Tucker screaming, Sarge trying to set a sleeping Grif on fire, and Simmons choking on air: I don't know either.

taken from perchance.org

[ripr4]

Johnson: Time for plan G.

Doctor: Don’t you mean plan B?

Johnson: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Washington: What about plan D?

Johnson: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Rex: What about plan E?

Johnson: I’m hoping not to use it. Grif dies in plan E.

Sarge: I like plan E.

[halibellecter]

Sarge: What're you two doing to the medic?? AND away from your posts?!

Grif: We're trying to wake her up! There's something wrong with Lopez but I've yelled, Simmons has yelled, we shook her, nothing. She's out cold.

Sarge: Pathetic. Watch and learn. *clears throat, continues in normal tone and volume* Y'all ever have this pain like there's a big weight on your chest, and then your left arm starts to hurt---

Oklahoma, bolting upright, eyes wide open: I'M AWAKE!!

(@grandninjamasterren redid the dialogue a bit! thanks~)

[nevada-got-screwed-over]

Simmons: I knew you wouldn't approve it, sir, so I went over your head.

Sarge: I'm the highest ranking soldier here.

Simmons: Oh, that's right.

Simmons: So I went behind your back.

[mephilesthedork]

Tucker: You call it bad at darts, I call it freestyle acupuncture.

Sarge: I call it buckshot!

Wash: You're both hazards to society

Grif: I call it large-scale penitration

Tucker: Bow chica bow wow

Wash:... you're all hazards

[sergeantwoods]

ghost : why don't emo kids like high fives?

soap : why?

ghost : 'cause they're always left hanging.

soap : nice.

soap : I made a website for orphans. it doesn't have a home page.

ghost : haha.

ghost : why'd my dad go to jail?

soap : why?

ghost : beats me.

soap : simon --

[emi-chan674]

Donut: "He doesn't have any poison."

Sarge: "I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar."

Grif: "There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?"

Sarge: "Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy"

Simmons: "And the mayo?"

Sarge: "That's shampoo."

Simmons: "You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?"

Sarge: "If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably."

[agentcaboose]

Sarge: You know studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun

Sarge: That's why I own ten guns

Sarge: In case some MANIAC tries to sneak in a ladder!

[slyvester101]

Caboose: I’m pretty sure that place is fire proof or something

Sarge, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion proof?

Caboose, pulling out even more grenades: I have no idea!

[zombieplaguedoc]

Washing Machine Incorrect Quote

2p America: Hey mom?

Lady Dimitrescu: Yes?

Me: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's still on?

Lady Dimitrescu:

Lady Dimitrescu: Where's Alaska?

BONUS VERSION

Alaska: Hey uncle Sarge?

Sarge: Yeah?

Me: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's still on?

Sarge:

Sarge: Where's 2p Canada?

[iamrizaka]

Wash: Why are you telling me you ripped a portal to another dimension through your washing machine? Are you on drugs?

Sarge: For the record, it was the dryer.

Wash: That’s not the point!

taken from thefakeredhead.com