#sardine stim

[fluxtill]

🐟 | 🐟 | 🐟

Love this guy's channel.

(Also this is my first gifset pls be nice)

[cupids-stimboards]

mystery she wished

📁 🛏️ 🔎 / 🐟 x 🐟 / 📝 🛏️ 📁

[fishyy-stims]

Seafood stickers

[gummi-stims]

🐟Stained glass sardines from kawaiiglassco on tiktok!🐟

[stitchwraith-stingers]

more gifs for my stimboard acc ive made

1 2 3 / 4 5 6 / 7 8 9

[purpldawne]

glad to know misumi is canonically a pro cat impersonator

[toonmania25]

PATB headcanons

- Brain is Bisexual(also queer)

-Pinky is Genderfluid and pansexual

-Pinky is also autistic and has Tourettes so his vocabulary is both tics and stims

-Brain has ADHD

-Brain has feelings for pinky but he’s too scared or embarrassed to admit it

-Brain doesn’t like people knowing that he and pinky are together cause he thinks it might ruin his reputation as a future world leader

- Since Pinky is autistic, he doesn’t like loud noises especially thunderstorms so that is why he’s Astraphobic

-Brain’s a tsundere

- Brain claims that he’s never ticklish but Pinky knows he is (and he also know his tickle spot is his tummy >:3)

-Pinky is bestie with Dot Warner.

-Brains friends with Wakko and Yakko warner

-Since Dot is witty in reboot she gives her cute skills to pinky and brain (and brain takes this as an advantage {S2 EP1})

-Pinky is a Brony and his favorite pony is Pinkie pie

- Brain gets jealous when females (or males ) flirt or be around Pinky

-Brain may be grumpy but he’s a soft little marshmallow mouse

-Pinky doesn’t mind when Brain bops him but he does get sensitive when he yells at him

- Brain is a big fan of Pinky’s cooking especially his no-bake cheesecake.

-Because pinky has pica he nibbles on the sponge bed which is why Brain had bought an empty sardine can as their bed now

-BRINKY IS THE CUTEST SHIP EVER!!!!!🐭🏳‍🌈

[gateway-2000]

🍴 Favorite foods?

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Are there any people you know irl aware that you’re a system?

🎁 Comfort items?

🍴Favorite foods?

note: we are recently allergic to meat products, so we are currently trying to change our diet and find new things we all like. we struggle with eating due to autism, depression and other things, so many of our alters don't like to eat.

Nny: nachos, slurpees, tacos, pie, chips... junk

Carson: vegetarian meat things, spicy snacks, coffee

Sage: pastries, fresh fruit, salad, stir fry

Dib: mashed potatoes, apple juice, stuffing, pizza, french fries, shrimp

lola: fish/seafood, seaweed salad, sushi, cucumbers, vietnamese food, calamari

wolf: vegetarian meat things, cereal

puppydog: cereal, oatmeal, peanut butter

asher: yams/sweet potatoes, beans, tuna sandwiches, sardines, salad

kit: sushi, rice, curry, seafood

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦: yes! we met a small group of other trans/queer people irl and a lot of them happen to be systems, so we were able to be honest about it right away! this is the first time we've ever had anyone irl who knows!

��: we have a stuffed build a bear dog named fudge pup that we take everywhere we go in public, and carry around the house :-) we also have nny's wardrobe of clothes that bring us comfort and safety even when it is not fronting! we also have a huge stim toy made for small kids that makes it very easy to calm down when stressed, even the adult alters!

thanks for asking!!!! hope u have an awesome day, take care!

- Dib 🛸

[www-artforoddballs]

Autistic Levi Angst...kinda, I guess? This is him having a meltdown. It's angst/fluff/brotherly love.

Okay so from my personal experience, meltdowns often lead to full-on panic attacks. I'm writing Levi from the perspective of having very similar autistic traits to myself, as I relate very much to this man, and I can only speak for myself when it comes to autism. This isn't true for everyone with autism, nor should it be taken as a blanket statement.

Now with THAT out of the way...!

It was a good day. Leviathan was having a GOOD day. Everything was going well! He just got a new Ruri-Chan figurine, Mammon had paid him back (some of) his money, and he was super energized! He was excited, too...a convention in the human world, in Japan too! He was pumped! Only one problem...

See, when Levi goes to concerts, he always has to make sure that he either gets front row or balcony tickets. If he doesn't do so...well, it hasn't ended well in the past. But when he does that, it goes well and he has a good time! However, it's been a while since he's gone to a convention.

Conventions weren't anywhere as organized as concerts were. There weren't specific seats, it was just humans, demons, and angels alike all packed togrther to try and see everything that they'd want to see. Levi had rented a stall, and so it was okay at first...well, not really, but since he was already okay he could push through it with the help of a stim toy!

But then came the looks. And the judgemental stares. The whispers. Even more people packing into the venue like sardines...his head started swimming in frenzied panic. It was too much; too many people, too much noise, too much judgment.

And so he ran. He ran into a bathroom and holed himself up in a stall, rocking back and forth in an attempt to self soothe. He let out a sob, shakily using his hand to wipe away seemingly endless tears. The more he thought, the worse it got.

What were they thinking about me? Were they judging me? Of course they were, I shouldn't have expected any differently. I'm a stupid, smelly otaku, and that's all people will ever see me as...! I should have never come here.

His thoughts worsened as he began to completely break down and rake his nails through his skin, continuing to sob and shake. He couldn't do this, who was he kidding? He didn't deserve to be here. He didn't deserve to exist.

He got so lost in his own head that he didn't even notice as he was removed from the stall by Mammon and Beelzebub. He didn't notice their worried faces or their attempts to talk to him. There was only ringing in his ears as he focused on the negative, and how fried yet frenzied his brain was.

"...ey...!"

Finally, he processed something enough to look up through the violent ringing.

"Levi...! Hey!" Mammon exclaimed, gently cupping his little brothers face to make him focus.

"We're here, alright? Everythin' is gonna be okay...listen to my voice, okay? Can you talk?"

Levi tried to speak, but only a pained sob came out as he shook his head.

"Okay, that's okay. Just nod in response to my questions, okay? Do you wanna go home?"

Levi weakly nodded, continuing to cry and shake.

Beel frowned, hating to see his older brother like this.

"Do you want a hug...?" He gently asked, nervous that he would make things worse. However, a sigh of relief emitted from his mouth as Levi nodded, the firey-haired demon gently enveloping Levi in a hug.

"Everything is gonna be okay, we're here for you..." He gently muttered, Mammon nodding in agreement.

"We're gonna get you home. Focus on my voice and on breathing for right this second though. We're all gonna be okay."

After a while, Levi managed to calm his nerves enough to the point where he could stand and speak.

"...thank you..." He quietly muttered, sniffing.

"Hey, we're your brothers. We aren't gonna let you suffer..."

Levi looked at Mammon gratefully, a few stray tears still rolling down his cheeks.

"But...how did...?" Levi trailed off in confusion.

"We uh...followed you. I wanted to try some convention food and Mammon had a bad feeling, so I also got concerned for you...so we followed you up. I'm sorry...but I'm glad we did, now," Beel replied to his unspoken question, gently rubbing the shorter males back.

"I'll order us some takeout, okay? On me. No payback, no nothing....we can also watch some anime in your room, alright?" Mammon spoke up after a bit of silence.

"But...you don't like anime, Mammon...you don't have to hang out with a shitty otaku like me, I get that I-"

"Hey, stop it. If I didn't want to watch anime, I wouldn't have offered...and you're right, it's not my thing. But I know you like it, and right now..." A blush of embarrassment fell on the tan demon. "...I just want you to know that I care about ya. I care about your feelings, even if I don't act like it most of the time. I just want ya to feel okay, and safe, and loved. And if that's what I've gotta do to help you? I'm more than willing to do it."

Beel nodded. "I can ask Luke to make some treats from that new food anime you're obsessed with, too. He'll probably be willing to help out."

Levi managed to smile...even if they annoyed him and didn't really understand him sometimes...he knew his family loved him for how he was. And he loved them too.

[bandofchimeras]

hope it's okay to add instead of keep this in the tags.

I 100% agree that there's a psychic shield effect. imo most of being autistic is having heightened sensory perception or reduced ability to filter that perception at least. The world has a lot of kinetic energy constantly bouncing around, and people project a TON of energy.

I went with some friends to Seattle Pride this last weekend. It was...okay, mildly fun but when we got down to the tourist district and were packed like sardines in a can, my sensory overload couldn't do the light dissociation cope anymore. I felt on oncoming meltdown if I didn't have food or rest or shade or really just /get the fuck outta there/. Unfortunately the train home was even more packed, and all the food trucks had massive lines. I didn't want to meltdown in front of my friends and was doing my best to communicate my needs but it seemed impossible to meet them. The gal we just met, lovely fucking PLUR human with lots of rave experience, knew what to do: she gave me her silk rave headscarf, which was heavy and thick and cool. Wrapping it around my head, I felt the meltdown instantly dissolve and everything became more bearable.

She told me "Not to be woo woo but sometimes there's just too many people's energies in a space and you need a comfort barrier." Which...exactly! I wear hats at work, out to strange places, and at home wrap my head to do chores, wrap myself in robes and blankets to go out...all the time. My autistic brother used to wear his winter parka sipped all the way up over his face even in warmer weather.It maybe looks a little odd but frankly what's odder to me is so many people wandering through life completely exposed to florescent lights and buzzing sounds and traffic and sun and heat and cold and wind and each other's gazes and emotions. I love to uncover my head and take off my clothes in natural, peaceful settings where there is good energy to connect to.

And it's not weird or new in human history to use clothing or environmental elements to act as a barrier between unwanted energies. Head coverings are the oldest religious habit thing ever.

It's also comforting to have your gear and objects that allow you to get needs met. Even having a stim toy or a journal on me is calming simply because the protective activity is easily available. I love having my little pack of electrolytes and knee braces and gum and anti anxiety meds and earphones with me.

So TLDR I don't even think of assistive devices as a barrier between me and the world, but a filter or a protective coating that allows less painful interfacing and is necessary for focus.

Random Thoughts

I wonder if anyone has ever investigated the psychological shield aspect of assistive devices. By that I mean how they help us keep a wall between us and the world. Ok, that’s not clear, so here’s what I mean.

When I wore glasses I didn’t realize quite how much I liked the feeling that the world was out THERE on the other side of the glass and I was in here, seperated from it. Once I went to contact lenses I started wearing sunglasses a lot of the time.

When I’ve worn hearing protectors, there was the obvious reduction in sound, but also the feeling that I had something between me and the noisy world. It was very comforting.

When I rode motorcycles, part of what I liked was the helmet. It was a wall between me and the world. I had it on and the world would be out there, on the other side of the face shield.

What prompted this line of thought was a post to @autistic-af where someone was asking about going outside. They mentioned that they didn’t have any hearing protectors/noise defenders. I took this to mean the nice cushy muff style protectors. I was going to suggest inexpensive (like often less than a buck a pair) foam earplugs. But then it struck me that part of why I liked wearing my hearing protectors at my last job was the feeling of them surrounding my head. The world might have been noisy out there, but I could feel the frame on my hair and I knew it was protecting me. Ear plugs don’t have that. Like a little hug around my head.

What are everyone’s thoughts on this idea?

[fakeloveaskblog]

Patty have you ever asked Janus to join for dinner when you meet him? Maybe that can somehow help Logan with his flirting? Or at least get Janus more relaxed?

(btw you're adorable ily!!)

(*cracks knuckles* Oh yeah baby we’ve gotten to the angst. Words: 2364 )

Patty: ": D Oh hello lil magical bird who just talked to me! I love you too!! I didn't want to barge in too much into their relationship but now when my honeypie has asked him out once already I guess I can help just a bit!"

Patty had sunglasses on to look like a secret agent. This was an important step in her plan, she swore on it. She sneaked into the open library while chuckling to herself.

She glanced around and almost immediately caught her eye on Janus standing in the reception. She did a few sneaky walks between the bookshelves before sliding up to him.

"Hello Janister!" She greeted with a bright smile while putting her elbows on the reception to lean closer.

"Hiya PatPat. Logan is off helping a customer but he'll be back soon"

"Oh silly I'm not looking for him right now. I am actually here to ask if you could come over to our place tonight. You see I'm planning on making Jambalaya but I always make too much! I'm talking leftovers up to the roof!! But if a third person was there maybe I would be able to make a perfect amount" She lied. She was making jambalaya for Janus purposes alone!

Janus' heartrate shot through the atmosphere "To- me?- your place?- tonight?- I uh- I don't know if I have time-"

She pouted and did her puppy eyes "You sure? You don't have to if you don't want to!! But it would be nice!"

He let out a happy sigh "Sure"

She took his hand and let out a sqeaul "aaah Great! It'll be so fun!!"

---

Logan was leaning down so Patty could help him with his bowtie. "Are you completely sure I look adequate?" He asked.

"Oh honeybee, You look super duper ultra adequate. You're literally wearing a sweater with a math pun on it!!"

"Hmm sound argument. I can not deny the sexiness of math puns"

A knock came on the door. The couple stared at each other. Logan stimmed out of nervousness. Patty gave him a quick kiss before pointing between him and the door. They did a good luck high five.

Logan combed his hair back and leaned on the wall to look cool as he opened the door. Janus stood on the other side looking like a sardine that had just been pressed into a can.

He had on a purple vest with embroidered flowers details and with a long sleeved black button up under. Also a very funky pair of stripped pants with even funkier yellow snake socks under.

"Greetings Jan. You are looking" Like a dream. Like someone he wanted to kiss right this moment. "Very good"

"Aww are you trying to be a snake charmer Log-boy" Janus replied with a smirk.

"I am not a log or a boy. I'm an adult man made out of meat"

"You better be because I'm starving" He had downed 2 shots of vodka before coming to try to and cool his extreme anxiety. He was a lightweight.

Logan lead him into the living room "Are....Are you implying cannibalism?"

Janus shrugged while smiling.

The apartement truly did look like a mismatch of the couple's personalities. The walls were filled with maps of constellations and uplifting cat posters. On the bookshelfs cook books and travel books were stacked next to thick philosophy books and essays. The decorations were either cute porcelain animals, magical anime girl figurines or figurines of characters from Lo's different hyperfixations. The sofa was filled with fluffy blankets and pillows and stuffies were scattered around the light blue carpet filling the living room.

“Do you want to watch star trek while eating?” Logan asked with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

“As long as I get to watch your beautiful face as well” Janus flirted back while doing an unsteady fingergun.

“Oh- Of course” His crush’s sudden forwardness was making his heart flutter.

Janus curled up in the corner of the couch, making himself as small as possible. Logan sat down pretty far away from him.

He started the first episode. Janus had a constant smile on his face as he listened to Logan go between telling him facts and gushing over his favorite moments. All while he could hear Patty in the kitchen half singing along to dad rock.

“Does she want help with that?” Janus, known gentleman and also nervous wreck, asked.

“She’ll tell us if she need it. She likes cooking. I like baking. It usually works out”

Janus got an amused look on his face “You’re into baking? So all those times at work when you brought desserts, that was your making?”

“Yes. And they were delicious. Anything wrong with that?”

“No. No. I simply didn’t take you for the type”

“Well cooking involves creativity and there’s room for your own ideas. Baking doesn’t. It is only about following a structure and doing kitchen chemistry. Of course I love it” He lowered his voice “It is also tremendously good for when you need to flirt without words”

“Oh really? I better start looking up recipes then” He pulled in Logan's bowtie “You have any favorites?” 

In his head he had the guts to say ‘Your lips against mine would be my favorite’ in reality he said “HehuHFKdjf jam drops in the shape of heart. The heart part is important. It adds to the taste”

“It usually does”

Janus slowly looked him up and down. And then he realized what the fuck he was doing. He shot back into his corner of the sofa like a naked rat. Logan sat still with blushing cheeks, staring at the tv but not taking in anything that was happening except his racing heart.

“Done!” Patty exclaimed, coming in with a big ass fucking pot of jambalaya and a just as big bottle of wine.

She saw the nervous state both of the guys were in and quickly made up a plan. She slammed the pot down onto the coffee table and moved the blankets so they took up about half of the couch. Then she sat down using up as much space as possible leaving the guys no choice but to move closer to each other, If both of them sat their hands down they would touch.

Patty cuddled up to her husband with a proud smile on her face. Logan moved his arm around her. 

“It looks great sweetheart” He pressed a kiss to her cheek making her giggle.

“So do you!! And so does mr. star trek captain man!”

 She enjoyed the hell out of her jambalaya while the two idiots sent each other awkward smiles. Janus downed his glass of wine in record speed. (He took it slower with the food, he didn’t want to seem disgusting). 

The whole star trek episode went by. Logan asked Janus a thousand excited questions about how much he liked it. All of his answers made the nerd happy stim. They put on a documentary none of them were really interested in the background while continuing to chat. Patty went on a long epic story about how a kid at her daycare had tried to bite her finger off last week.

“Soooo” Patty sudenly changed the topic. She said it with an innocent tone “My nerdy lil honeypie over here had the biggest crush on Data for a while. It was adorable. ANd while we’re on the topic” The look she gave Janus was happy but it still sent shivers down his spine “You having any crushes lately? Just curious!”

Both of the men internally gasped at the audacity. The gall! The sheer power!! Janus was sweating like a naked rat who had just been clad for the first time.

“...Well.......I have actually been meaning to....Ask about the polyamourous thing?” 

The couple exhanged knowing glances before looking back at him “Mhm yeah Mhm” “I am poly and also a thing so I am an expert in this”

“So...I totally haven’t fallen in love with 3 people. 2 of which I met in the span of around a week”

Patton did a double thumbs up. Logan took a long sip from his wine. “We’re all gossipy bitches here. Tell all about it”

“Well. The first one is Remy-”

“The one with the sunglasses?”

“...Yes...Are....Don’t tell me they’re a serial killer”

Patty broke up into a chuckle “Logie-bogie tried to kiss them while he was drunk once”

“I threw up on their shoes”

“He threw up on their shoes!”

Logan saw the terror in Janus’ face as he worried that maybe 2 of his crushes were exes and quickly added “We are only acquaintance and I was momentarily struck by the impressive lenght of their legs” 

Janus went on to gush about Remy and Remus. Why he loved them. All the dates he had daydreamed about. And then finally his voice was shaking when he mentioned just having a third crush.

Patty let out a long yawn before he could say anything more. She stood up “Well looks like it’s time to snooze! I assume 2 big burly ultra masculine men like you two can handle the dishes”

“It will be a challenge but we shall do our best. Goodnight honey” Logan kissed her.

She leaned in and whispered “Good luck Logie-bear! You got this”

She giggled mischievously while going off into the bedroom. She closed the door behind her. Only the two lovebirds were left now.

“So the third crush? Who’s the lucky gentleman?” Logan asked.

Janus held onto his newly refilled wine glass so hard it nearly cracked. He forced a smile “Wouldn’t you want to hear about the fake couples counseling I go to together with Remus instead?”

“Fake what now?”

“Well me and Remus, who I am hopelessly in love with even though he clearly doesn’t feel the same way, started going to a therapist pretending we were a couple to see how long it would take before he realized we didn’t know each other. He hasn’t realized anything yet. It’s great!”

It looked like Logan’s eyes was about to bulge out of his skull “That sounds illegal. It should be. You are dragging shame onto the face of psychology you double dumbass!”

“I have done nothing wrong ever in my entire life and frankly I deserve to waste even more therapist’s time” Janus replied.

He let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose “Which therapist is it that you’re harassing exactly?”

“Dr. Picani”

Logan’s eyes widened and he shut his lips tightly “Emile Picani?”

“Yes.....Please don’t tell me he’s a serial killer”

He slowly looked away while taking a sip from his wine “I have had intercourse with that man”

Janus choked on his drink. He coughed while staring at his friend with wild eyes “YOU FUCKED MY THERAPIST????”

“No.......He fucked me” Logan replied in a quiet tone. “Besides he’s not even your real therapist”

“He is still a sort of therapist man to me! I told him I enjoy Lana Del Rey. That was a very intimate moment for me!”

“Well I had a very intimate moment with him too”

Janus looked at him with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. He let out a chuckle which turned into a laugh which turned into Logan not being able to not laugh along which turned into the room filling with nothing but flustered happiness and laughter.

Logan grabbed onto his crush’ arm just to have some contact with him while his eyes teared up from laughter. Janus leaned his head against his shoulder and curled up close to him while giggling so much his stomach hurt.

“Oh we’re idiots” Janus sighed.

“We are. We truly are”

They stayed sitting like that. So so close. Logan’s arm around him. Janus breathing being felt against the other man’s skin. Their hands touching. Only comfortable silence surrounded them.

A few minutes went by. Janus looked at him shuly. His thoughts worrying about everything and anything “Should we- ehm- the dishes?”

The moment broke. Logan moved away before standing up “I uh yeah- we should”

It was strange. Just dishing together with his crush made Logan happy. All he could think about was getting to be this close, this domestic, with him every day. Getting to wake up next to him. Kiss his knuckles. Share a morning with him.

“Who was the third crush by the way?” Logan asked, glancing over at his crush.

Janus stared down into the water “I- I can’t say it”

“Understandable”

He stopped and turned fully to look at Janus. He had never been more unsure of where to put his hands before.

“Well I can...Say it I mean....I....I...Janus.....You make me happy just by being near me...You are so wonderful...I....I love you”

Logan couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He took a step forward and cupped Janus’ cheeks. He leaned forward, so close, so close that their noses and foreheads were pressed against each other. It felt like had been starving for this.

Janus froze. His wide eyes stared in shock at the other man. His hand moved up to his chest on instinct, to try and push him away.

Logan noticed his reaction. Of course he did. It was blindingly obvious. He forced himself to move away. He forced the desire to kiss him to simmer out.

“I-I’m sorry-” He mumbled out.

“No....Lo..” Janus took his hand. Holding it so so lightly in his own “I know” He looked up at him “I know. I’m sorry. I should go”

A horrible feeling of guilt filled Logan’s throat “You don’t have to” 

“I should go” He repeated, letting go of his hand.

Logan walked after him as he went to get his jacket “A date. Do you want to go on a date? Not just a hangout. Janus I- I want so badly to be close to you. We could go to the zoo, look at the snakes?”

Janus held his hand on the handle of the door. He didn’t look at Logan “Thanks for having me over”

He left. Logan stood alone in the hallway. His arms hanging helplessly at his sides.

[nakgemok]

Jumpa bahagian 3

Abang Maulana sudah melanjutkan pelajarannya ke luar negara. Kami masih lagi berhubung. Tapi tak sekerap dahulu. Mungkin sibuk agaknya. Cikgu Yusoff pula sudah berpindah sekolah ke sekolah lain. Sampai sekarang tiada khabar berita.

Masa aku di asrama, badan ku menjadi-jadi naiknya. Nak kata makan sedap.. setakat ikan jaket dan sardin bukanlah penyebab. Hati senang kot. Nak cari baju sekolah memang cukup siksa. Tempah aja la jawabnya.

Semasa form 2, aku automatically dipilih wakil sekolah untuk kejohanan Ragbi 7 sebelah bawah 14 tahun. Selepas lebih kurang 2 minggu berlatih, satu insiden yang tak kuduga terjadi.

Sekolah aku ada grandstands (astaka) bolasepak dan hoki, dan di dalam kedua2 grandstand tu ada bilik tukar pakaian , jamban dan shower. Nak dipendekkan cerita, selepas latihan satu petang tu dalam perjalanan balik dengan teammates aku ke dorm, aku terperasan yang wallet aku takde dalam poket track-bottom aku. Sure aku tercicir dalam perjalanan nak balik tadi ataupun tertinggal kat locker room. Terpaksa la aku patah balik. Aku ajak bebudak ni, sorang pun taknak ikut. Alasannye dah start gelap dan hari macam dah nak hujan je. Lagipun sekolah aku ni sekolah yang agak besar, jauh jugak dari dorm ke padang bola sepak tu. So, aku pergi la berlari balik ke grandstand bolasepak sesorang.

Sampai di sana, aku tengok kereta coach aku, cikgu Jabar, ada lagi, tapi aku buat tak tau je pasal dia memang selalu balik lambat lepas practice. Tanpa buang masa, aku pergi la carik wallet aku. Aku jumpa wallet aku dalam locker room tu. Elok je aku nak lari balik ke asrama, hujan turun mencurah-curah. Aku jadi gelabah, tapi pasal aku tengok kereta cikgu Jabar ada lagi, aku jadi tak takut sangat. Kereta dia jauh jugak dari grandstand tu, ada la dalam 50 meter. Yang peliknye batang hidung dia tak nampak lagi. Aku malas nak carik dia, mana la tau dia tengah sibuk susun barang dalam store ke, kang kalau aku jumpa dia, sure dia suruh tolong punye. Aku agak kejap lagi mesti hujan reda punye. Dalam 10 minit lepas tu, masih lagi tak reda. Aku jadi gelabah jugak pasal dah la gelap, kang silap2 kena tangkap dengan ustaz atau exco bila aku balik asrama pasal tak pergi sembahyang marghrib kat surau (ye la, baru form 2, mesti la takut sikit). Pasal aku ada tuala kecik dengan satu baju bersih (tak bersih sangat, tapi aku tak buat practice, pakai setakat dari dorm ke padang je) dalam sport beg aku tu, terlintas dalam fikiran aku nak mandi kat shower supaya nanti balik asrama tukar baju melayu je. Konon-konon nak jimat masa la tu. Kalau dah teringatkankan muka ustaz X dengan rotan dia tu, apapun aku sanggup buat asal tak kena bidas dengan dia. Aku cepat2 masuk shower dan start mandi. Semua shower sebenarnye ada pintu, tapi tak tau pulak malaun mana yang cabut pintu shower paling dekat ngan main entrance tu. Pasal nak cepat, aku mandi je la dalam tu. Lagipun kalau pintu tertutup, aku rasa lagi takut pasal aku sorang je kat situ, selain cikgu Jabar yang dari tadi tak muncul-muncul.

Elok tengah mandi, ada orang sergah aku dari belakang, terkejut beruk aku dibuatnye. Tengok2 cikgu Jabar ada kat belakang aku tersengih. Siot betul la cikgu sorang ni. Aku yang tengah terlanjang bulat, buat2 malu tutup bahagian konek aku tu dengan tangan, mana tak malunye bulupun baru mula nak lebat. Dia tanya aku buat apa, aku cerita la dari awal sampai habis sambil tersipu-sipu malu. Dia cakap apa nak malu2, bukannye dia tu perempuan. Lagipun dia cakap dia dah banyak dah tengok batang lelaki lain, tak kisah pun. Aku assume dia tengok konek orang lain masa tinggal kat asrama jugak (biasa la asrama mesti ramai mandi bogel punye) pasal dia dulu tinggal kat akademi bolasepak negeri. Aku still malu jugak, yela, dia tu kan coach aku, dah tu cikgu class PJ aku jugak. Dia offer nak hantar aku balik ke asrama. Aku suruh dia tunggu kat luar dulu, kejap lagi aku siap. Diapun blah la. Aku sambung mandi cepat2. Lepas tu aku keluar jumpa dia, hujan dah reda sikit, so aku naik la kereta dia. (Relaks la, lepas ni baru part best sikit)

Elok nak masuk parking lot asrama tu, aku tengok kereta ustaz X ada dan dia dan dahi luas dia tu tengah tunggu kat corridor dengan rotan. Nak tahan orang pergi surau lambat la tu. Aku cakap kat cikgu Jabar, bole tak aku tumpang rumah dia kejap pasal aku takut nak terserempak dengan ustaz X. Satu, sebab dia tu ustaz class agama aku, so aku malas la nak buat perangai dengan dia, kang dapat bad reputation pulak. Dua, sebab dia memang anti sikit dengan bebudak bola dan cikgu Jabar pasal kitaorang training pakai seluar pendek. So cikgu Jabar mengiya kan je pasal diapun tak suka sangat ustaz X ni. So, kereta cikgu Jabar pun tak jadi la belok masuk parking lot, pergi terus je ke apartment guru.

Sampai rumah dia, aku tengok orang rumah dia takde (cikgu Jabar dah kahwin dan ada 2 orang anak). Dia cakap bini dia pergi rumah mak mertua dia dengan anak2 dia tolong2 buat persedian untuk kenduri kahwin adik dia hujung minggu tu. Cikgu Jabar cakap malam nanti dalam pukul 10 baru dia pergi ambik bini dia. Cikgu Jabar tanya aku samada aku nak mandi lagi ke tak sebab dia tau kat shower tadi tu takde sabun. Aku cakap takpe la, dah bersih dah badan aku. Dia insist jugak suruh aku mandi sekali lagi pasal dia cakap kang badan naik kurap dan nanti demam pasal tadi kena hujan sikit2. Dia cakap kang hilang pulak satu star ragbi dia (kembang kejap aku). So dia bagi aku towel dengan satu kain pelekat.

Lepas mandi2 aku pakai kain pelekat tu (tak pakai baju), aku keluar la pergi living room. Tengok2 cikgu Jabar yang hanya pakai tuala tengah tengok cerita blue!! Terkejut aku, tak tau nak kata atau nak buat apa. Cikgu Jabar tersengih je, dia ajak aku join dia kejap, suruh aku duduk sebelah dia. Akupun berlagak macho duduk la sebelah dia tengok cerita blue tu (biasa la, budak bola ada ego sikit). Bukannye aku tak pernah tengok cerita blue, sejak aku darjah 4 aku dah tengok cerita blue, tapi sebab dah lama tak tengok, pastu kena ajak pulak. Aku join je la. Masa tengok cerita tu, aku tengok tuala cikgu Jabar ni dah terbonjol keluar, dah la dia tak pakai baju, badan boroi pulak tu. Ntah macammana, sepatutnye aku jadi takut atau gelabah, sebaliknye aku terangsang pulak. Ditambah dengan cerita blue dan cikgu Jabar sebelah aku tu, konek akupun stim. Sambil tengok tu, aku tengok tangan cikgu Jabar mengusap-ngusap batang dia dari luar. Memang terbonjol keluar betul la, besar batang dia tu. Dalam hati aku time tu aku cakap “hai orang tua ni, tunggu la bini tu balik dulu kalau yepun”. Tiba-tiba Cikgu Jabar bukak semua tuala dia, aku nyaris nak lari keluar, tapi aku stay cool je. Batang dia memang besar la, warna coklat pekat je batang dia. Bulu terurus pulak tu. Dia usap2 batang dia sambil tengok aku

Dia suruh aku bukak je kain pelekat aku. Aku jadi takut pasal tak tau nak buat apa. Dia cakap bukak je la, bukannye dia tak pernah tengok aku bogel. Dia cakap tengok blue bogel2 la sedap. Lepas tu dia datang dekat aku (dah la dia terlanjang bulat, nak melompat je aku rasa). Dia usap2 batang aku, aku tepis. Puas aku tepis 5/6 kali, last-last aku biarkan je pasal rasa sedap. Aku menjeling je pada batang dia yang keras dan sesekali bergerak keatas kebawah. Sedar2 kain aku dah dilucutkan, tapi pasal rasa sedap dia belai konek aku, aku biarkan je (masa tupun aku tak tau apa yang aku pikirkan sampai sanggup bagi dia main konek aku). Dia cakap kat aku, kalau nak pegang, pegang la konek dia. Aku tak layan je, last2 dia pegang tangan aku letak kat konek dia sambil buat muka macam nak marah. Pasal takut, akupun menggerakkan tangan aku keatas dan kebawah batang dia. Memang besar la batang dia, sah2 bini dia puas. Masa ni kitaorang tengah dalam keadaan separuh baring, separuh duduk bersebelahan-sebelahan (macam orang malas) mengadap cerita blue tu. Masa lelaki mat salleh tu terpancutkan air mani kat muka pompuan dalam cerita blue tu, cikgu Jabar tanya aku, aku pernah terpancut ke belum. Aku jawab ntah, tak ingat pulak, malas aku nak layan soalan merepek dia tu. Dia tanya nak terpancut tak? Dia bole tolong kan, aku tak jawabpun soalan dia tu, mata aku tengok kearah TV untuk aksi seterusnye antara seorang mamat black dengan 2 orang pompuan orang putih.

Tengah aku leka je, tiba2 konek aku dah ada dalam mulut cikgu Jabar. Aku tolak kepala dia kuat jugak, pastu aku mintak maaf. Ye la, dia tu cikgu aku, kena la hormat sikit, aku tolak kepala dia macam tolak kepala member je. Dia cakap takpe, dia tak marah. Dia suruh aku relaks je, dia cakap dia dah lama tak rasa konek (pikir2kan balik apasal la dia nak hisap konek aku yang kecik time tu – masa form 2 la, sekarang dah power). Dia pujuk-pujuk aku. Aku tak melawan bila dia letak balik mulut dia dekat kepala takuk aku, rasa sedap betul bila dia main-mainkan lidah kat keliling kepala aku dan lubang kencing aku. Perlahan-lahan, dia cium dan jilat celah kelangkang aku, rasa geli sampai ternaik-naik bontot aku. Lepas tu dia jilat dan sedut telur aku, ni memang best, tangkap lentok aku dibuatnye. Sambil tu tangan dia menjalar-jalar kat badan aku dan celah bontot aku. Dia picit-picit isi bontot aku. Lepas tu dia suruh aku menonggeng, aku jadi takut. Aku taknak konek besar dia masuk dalam lubang bontot aku. Dia cakap bukannye dia nak jolok aku, dia nak jilat lubang bontot aku je. So, akupun beranikan diri menonggeng (ala doggy-style ataupun orang tengah sujud) kat atas sofa dia tu. Bila lidah dia kena lubang aku, aku melonjak kedepan nak larikan bontot aku dari lidah dia pasal geli. Tapi lepas tu dia pegang pinggang aku dan tarik bontot aku kemuka dia. Dari situ, dia menjalarkan lidah dia sekitar lubang aku. Memang terasa geli tak tertahan, terkemut-kemut lubang aku.

Bila dia dah puas jilat bontot aku, dia suruh aku baring terlentang kat sofa dia. Aku ikut aje. Dia terus je mengulum batang aku semahu-mahunye. Aku memang rasa syok la. Beberapa minit lepas tu, perut aku turun naik, turun naik pasal mengerang kesedapan, bontot aku terasa terkemut-kemut, aku tau aku dah nak terpancut (aku baligh masa darjah 6 pasal banyak tengok cerita blue, baligh paksa (lancap) orang kata). Aku cakap kat dia, dia teruskan jugak hisap konek aku, dan beberapa saat lepas tu, terpancut la air mani pekat. Yang peliknye cikgu Jabar terus telan air mani aku, kat mana-mana yang ada sisa-sisa, semuanye dia jilat. Aku kesedapan dan keletihan. Dia tanya aku, sedap tak? Aku mengiyakan aje. Ye la, first time orang kulum batang aku. Dia cakap memang dah lama dia tak rasa air mani, diapun mendapat kenikmatan bila minum air mani aku. Lepas tu, dia baring sebelah aku, sambil mencium tengkuk dan pipi ku, lepas tu dia terus mencium bibir aku. Aku tak tau macammana nak react pasal itu la pertama kali aku bercium, tak kisah la bercium dengan lelaki atau perempuan. Tapi cikgu Jabar pandai mengajar, dia cium aku perlahan-lahan dan kami berlaga-laga lidah sambil dia mengubah posisi dari baring bersebelahan ke atas badan aku aku. Aku cukup seronok bila dia menghimpap aku, dengan badan dan batang dia yang besar tu. Masa tu konek aku masih tegang (mungkin kerana masih muda, lepas terpancutpun konek stim lagi). Dia tanya aku nak terpancut lagi ke, aku tak menjawab. Lepas tu dia suruh aku lancapkan konek dia sambil dia melancapkan konek aku. Masa tu kami baring bersebelahan sambil tengok cerita blue. Beberapa minit kemudian, hampir serentak kami terpancut. Air mani Cikgu Jabar memang banyak dan pekat, habis penuh satu badan dia dan tangan aku. Dia memuji-muji aku, aku tersenyum aje. Kerana keletihan, aku tertidur dalam pelukan cikgu Jabar. Memang terasa best tidur sebelah dia pasal aku nikan berbadan bulat (form 2 la katakan), dan cikgu Jabar berbadan gempal. Bila dia peluk, terasa bahang kepanasan lelaki. Dalam pukul 9, dia kejutkan aku. Dia ajak aku mandi bersama, aku mandi je la. Alaaa, kalau beromen pun dah, takkan mandi bersama nak segan pulak. Tapi dalam bilik mandi, takde terjadi apa-apa walaupun batang kami tetap keras. Paling banyakpun dia buat menampar-nampar punggung aku 2/3 kali. Mungkin ada sesuatu yang dia masih mengidamkan…

Lepas bersiap-siap, diapun bawak aku balik dorm. Masa tu takde siapa dah, maka cikgu Jabarpun temankan aku ke dorm aku (jangan tension, takde apa terjadi). Lepas tukar baju, dia hantar aku ke sekolah (night prep.). Sebelum aku keluar dari keretanye, dia bagi aku quick good night kiss kat bibir, aku tersengih je. Lepas tu dia pergi ambik bini dia. Sepanjang dalam kereta, aku bersiap, dan kat rumah dia lepas bangun tidur, kami tak cakap apa-apapun pasal apa yang terjadi. Mungkin dia tahu aku tak akan bocorkan rahsia pasal aku juga mendapat kenikmatan ketika bersama dia. Bila aku terserempak dengan member2 aku kat class (prep baru start dalam setengah jam), diaorang tanya mana aku pergi time marghrib, makan malam dah isyak. Aku cakap aku ada time tu, diaorang yang tak perasan. Nasib baik diaorang tak tanya apa-apa lagi. Malam tu aku habiskan waktu prep dengan tido pasal keletihan dari training petang tadi dan sex bersama cikgu Jabar. Lagipun apa sangat la budak form 2 nak buat time prep?

Kemesraan aku dan cikgu Jabar tak berakhir di situ aje, selama 5 tahun, aku tinggal kat asrama, almost setiap minggu aku beromen dengan cikgu Jabar, at least sekali. Kami bermesra dirumah dia (bila family dia takde), di dorm aku (masa bebudak pergi prep), di jamban sekolah dan dorm (kat sekolah masa dia betul2 horny), di store sukan, di locker room after practice, di bilik TV, di keretanye dan sekali di satu hotel di cherating. Di cherating paling bermakna kerana aku memang terasa rapat dengan cikgu Jabar. Ye la, dapat tidur bersama-sama dalam pelukan tanpa diganggu oleh orang lain selama 2 malam. Bangun-bangun tido, cikgu Jabar yang aku nampak dulu. Ye la, selalunye kami terpaksa buat bersorok-sorok dan bercepat masa di sekolah. Masa tu bebudak dibenarkan balik rumah hujung minggu dan isterinye baru 2 minggu bersalinkan anak ketiga dan tinggal di rumah maknye. Cikgu Jabar memberi alasan kena pergi kenduri kahwin kawannye di kl (memang ada member dia kahwin di kl, tapi dia gunakan itu sebagai alasan je untuk melanyak badan aku).

Bukan itu saje, hubungan seks kami turut “berkembang” dari 1st time kami buat dulu. Lama-lama, aku sudah berani mengulum/menjilat konek/telur/lubang punggung cikgu Jabar, aku berani menelan air mani cikgu Jabar, aku membiarkan Cikgu Jabar menjolok lubang aku (start form3), aku menjolok cikgu Jabar (start form 3) dan berbagai-bagai lagi yang boleh difikirkan. Yang bestnye cikgu Jabar ni pembersih orangnye dan dia mengajar aku macammana nak “bersihkan” diri aku sebelum beromen. Seingat aku tak pernah terjadi apa-apa peristiwa jijik/memalukan semasa aku bersamanye. Dari aku ada bulu sikit sehingga bulu aku lebat, dari konek aku kecik sampai konek aku matang, semuanye kenangan aku bersama cikgu Jabar selama 5 tahun. Cikgu Jabar is the best.

Walaupun aku active dari segi sex semasa di sekolah dulu, aku tetap berjaya dari segi pelajaran dan sukan. Aku beberapa kali terpilih mewakili daerah dan 2 kali berjaya mewakili negeri bagi kejohanan peringkat kebangsaan. Aku berjaya mendapat 7A ketika PMR dan berjaya mendapat pangkat satu dalam SPM. Hasil titik peluh aku, aku berjaya masuk menara gading. Aku jugak terhutang budi pada Cikgu Jabar kerana mendorong dan menjaga aku betul2 semasa aku di sekolah dulu. Dia bukannye ibarat sugar daddy kepada aku aje, malahan seperti father figure, abang dan kawan.

Setelah lebih 3 tahun meninggalkan sekolah ku tu, kenangan bersama cikgu Jabar selalu bermain diingatan sebelum aku tidur. Badannye yang gempal dan berkonek besar selalu membuat aku tersenyum kesorangan dan semestinya membuatkan aku stim. Kini, sekiranya aku mempunyai peluang dan masa, aku dan cikgu Jabar akan cuba beromen dimana-mana yang possible. Aku amat sayangkan cikgu Jabar. Walaupun hubungan aku dan cikgu Jabar amat “akrab”, aku bukan lah gay semata-mata, aku bisexual kerana aku mempunya girlfriend and mempunyai rasa berahi kepada kaum hawa. Segala-galanye aku terhutang pada cikgu kesayang aku – cikgu Jabar.

(Tamat... )

[gummi-stims]

🐟

[johannas-motivational-insults]

I'd like to read your commentary on the closet scene in Hail Mary!

Well ask and you shall receive, friend! (Commentary is bolded.)

I love this scene. Tbh I first wrote the sardines gag into an original fic I wrote in high school and I’m just nostalgic for it. But it is also a really great way to get characters in close quarters together, so... ;)

As it turns out, Adora does find Catra first. She knows her better than anyone, after all, knows how she gravitates towards small, dark, enclosed spaces for a sense of comfort. (Ah, here’s another instance of Catra behaving like a cat but hopefully in a non-distracting way.) Also, there’s the whole thing about how she used to hide in the closet at home when she was scared, or upset after a disciplinary encounter with Ms. Weaver. It was about the only place she could get privacy in that house, sharing a room with two other girls.

Adora remembers hearing her muted whimpers from behind the slatted doors, knocking gently and being yelled at to go away. She remembers sitting down leaning against said doors, guarding the space while Catra collected herself. (A lovely role reversal here!) In the times when she was scared, for good reason, Adora would eventually be torn away by threat or force, Catra would be ripped from her hiding spot, and the screaming would begin. The screaming and…

Adora prefers not to think about those times. She prefers the memories of after the danger had passed when she could just sit there, a comfort to her friend. On rare occasions Catra would not even allow her that, would shout at her until she left the room. Others, she didn’t tell Adora to go away at all, and Adora would crawl into the darkness and find her curled up on the floor, her face stained with tears. Adora would sit silently and take her head into her lap, gently scratching her scalp and stroking her hair, rubbing her back if it was safe to do so. It always calmed Catra down, and it was soothing for Adora too. It helped keep her hands busy and her mind off of what she’d just heard.

Oh hello my poor little traumatized neurodivergent children, stim to your hearts’ content. (And yes, Catra is also neurodivergent in this fic. It’s only been hinted at so far but later it’s revealed that Catra believes she’s ADHD but she never got a chance to get diagnosed because Weaver just saw her as a troublemaker. And because she’s brown many shrinks or social workers would tend to jump to that conclusion too instead of thinking maybe she has a disorder. It’s a little hat tip to the double standards and obstacles to diagnoses that neurodivergent women and POC have to deal with. And you all get to learn that early because you bothered to read this. :D)

Obviously the wave of nostalgia she’s hit by when she finds Catra once again hiding in a closet is not an entirely pleasant one. But she can’t help a small smile either, both at her victory and at seeing Catra’s face. It’s a natural side effect.

“Hey look, I won,” Adora brags when she spies Catra flattened against the wall on one side

Catra shakes her head slightly, amused. “Of course you did.”

Oh wow, I really didn’t hold back on Catra’s subtle resentment, did I?

Pulling the door shut behind her, Adora steps through the thick curtain of garments. Catra actually picked a pretty good spot - there’s a bunch of coats on that side of the closet that obscure her legs, and with how full the closet is it would be easy for someone peeking past the clothes to miss her.

The positioning may be different, the two of them on more or less equal footing and nursing no physical wounds, but Adora can’t shake the sense of awkwardness, her fear that their previous closet rendezvous are all Catra can think about too. (...Out of context this sounds a little bit like they’ve engaged in BDSM in a closet lmao but no, wrong fic.) And the idea of that is unbearable, especially if Catra’s already upset about Scorpia, so Adora takes it upon herself to break the tension.

“Look at us, back in the closet together,” she cracks, poking Catra in the ribs. “Who woulda thought, after all those Pride parades?”

This joke is stupid and I love it.

Catra brushes her hand away with a scoff. “Speak for yourself, I was never in any closet.” Despite her words of protest, she’s smiling a little. Eyeing Adora up and down, she adds, “And you were always like the ultimate sports dyke, so it’s not like people didn’t know about you either. Even if you didn’t figure it out until we met everyone’s favorite MILF.”

I will never let the Huntadora crush die. Tbh this is a little sad though because Catra doesn’t realize it’s always been her for Adora. She doesn’t let it show but she is kinda sad that from her perspective Huntara was Adora’s gay awakening, not her.

Oh, that definitely went a direction Adora didn’t expect. Brow furrowing, she purses her lips as she weighs the cost of the truth, how much she can divulge before it becomes incriminating. Her voice is quiet and eyes are down when she says, “No, I knew.”

It takes a second for Catra to respond. “What, really?”

Slowly lifting her head, Adora raises her eyebrows as she meets Catra’s confused gaze. “Just because I didn’t talk about it doesn’t mean I didn’t know.”

This is such a pivotal moment, just an understated one because it’s from Adora’s POV.  Catra thinks she knows Adora so well, and the idea that Adora not only intentionally kept something (her awareness of her sexuality) from her but was able to fool her is a shot to the ego.

A tiny scoff escapes Catra’s throat, eyes flicking away as her arms fold over her chest. “Never thought you were that good at keeping secrets,” she remarks. Finally she looks back at Adora, gesturing expectantly. “Well? How long have you known?”

Adora frowns in thought. Not because she doesn’t know the answer, but because there’s no casual way to tell your best friend ‘I’ve wanted to marry you since I knew what marriage was.’

I don’t remember what exactly possessed me to write this line, but once it did I knew it was going to murder you all in cold blood. I really enjoyed all the comments about this one. :D

“Always,” is what she says instead. “I mean I didn’t know what it was, but I was always drawn to other girls, always wanted their attention, wanted to be close to them.”

This is such a mood.

Nodding pensively, Catra stares into the darkness. After a moment she murmurs, “Yeah, me too.”

If only she was saying that to what Adora was thinking, not what she said. Because there’s no way Catra could know, right? She’s smart, but she’s not a mindreader. If she was she probably would have kicked Adora out of her room years ago for being a pervert.

Adora she means the exact same thing as you you fucking walnut!

The crack of the bedroom door opening jolts Adora from her thoughts, making her flinch.

“Shit,” she mutters, pushing forward and flattening against the wall, against Catra. In her haste she bounces off the wall slightly and starts to tip backwards, but a pair of quick hands steadies her hips, pulling her closer. Adora’s eyes flick down to find Catra’s already on her, widened in a clear order to be quiet. Adora can barely bring herself to nod apologetically, dazed by the sight. And their proximity. And the scent of sour candies on Catra’s breath.

Because being stuck in a closet together wasn’t taking advantage of the sardines gag enough, I threw this in here. And Adora’s clumsiness provided a great opportunity for Catra to touch her in an intimate way :D. And idk why but the described experience of the smell of the sour candies on top of the close up of Catra’s eyes and them being pressed together is just overwhelming. That sour candies thing gets me every time I read it.

Suppressing the urge to groan, Adora adjusts her positioning and tips her head down so her forehead is resting against the wall, removing that temptation before it can take hold. (Oh right, that’s why it gets me every time.) She breathes deeply, as quietly as possible, praying to god that Catra will interpret her pounding heartbeat as excitement purely from the game. She can feel Catra’s heart hammering against her rib cage too, can hear it echoing in Catra’s jugular mere inches from her ear. Catra’s hands are sweaty where they’ve wound into Adora’s shirt, trembling slightly in anticipation of being caught. Catra may act like she doesn’t care that much about winning and losing, but Adora knows better than anyone just how competitive she is, how wound up she gets.

Oh for fuck’s sakes Adora. I’m glad people asked for Catra’s perspective of this scene because I think confirming in the next chapter that her body was reacting to the exact same thing Adora’s was is valuable. At least a few readers bought into the ‘Catra is competitive/traumatized about hiding in closets’ thing I had going with Adora as an unreliable narrator, so it was probably best to clear it up.

The closet door opens and they both tense, not daring to breathe. The metal hanger hooks screech along the rod as the seeker parts the sea of garments, the sound making Adora wince. The light suddenly flooding their dark space doesn’t help in that regard either. She squeezes her eyes shut with the tiniest little whimper and one of Catra’s hands taps gently against her waist, acknowledging her discomfort and offering solace.

Idk how many people have noticed but I have this running theme of Adora being especially averse to sounds as a sensory sensitivity thing. And the fact that Catra knows and consistently acknowledges it in small ways just makes my heart happy.

In seconds it’s over and the person is closing the closet door, then the bedroom door on their way out. Adora expels as heavy a breath as she dares and whispers, “Phew, that was close.” She starts to pull away and lower her arms from where she’s braced them against the wall, bracketing Catra’s head. (That visual *eyes emoji*) But she doesn’t get very far.

Catra’s arms are locked in place, fingers still clinging to Adora’s shirt. Resting her elbows on Catra’s shoulders, Adora pulls her head back to get a good look at her face. She arches her eyebrows questioningly but Catra’s eyes are fixed firmly on the opposite wall of the closet, refusing to meet hers. Frowning in concern, Adora brushes a thumb over the baby hairs on the back of Catra’s neck. “Catra?”

Still Catra doesn’t respond. Not with words anyway. It’s just a tiny movement, but when her shoulders curl forward into Adora just a little bit, Adora clues in. Sometimes you just need a hug when you’re sad. She gets it.

God damnit. Catra doesn’t want to let go because she’s yearning, not because she’s sad. Why you gotta be like this, Adora? (She says as though she didn’t write it.)

Slowly leaning back in, Adora wraps her arms around Catra’s shoulders. She sighs in relief when she feels Catra respond, relaxing in her grip and slumping slightly to rest her chin on her shoulder. Squeezing a little tighter, she nuzzles into the curve of Catra’s shoulder in response, breathing her in. Catra smells… like Catra. It’s a scent Adora could never quite put a finger on, something uniquely her, but it’s the most comforting smell she knows. It smells like safety, and tenderness, and just a little bit of mischief.

Adora could fall asleep in these arms, in the peace they bring her mind. She has, many times. When they were kids Catra ended up sleeping on her bed more often than not, sprawled half on top of Adora with her head on her chest. Though technically she was usually the one holding Catra, and Catra was often the one seeking comfort, it made Adora feel safer too. It felt a little like Catra was guarding her in the night, and the pressure pinning her to the mattress felt so good. So… secure. They’ve always been better together, perfectly suited to each other’s needs. Adora can't even imagine a life without Catra as her closest companion, and she doesn't want to.

Is that a reference to the torment of canon? Yes, yes it is. Is it also foreshadowing of how agonizing it would be for Adora if she and Catra ever had a falling out? ...maybe.

Absentmindedly brushing her fingers through Catra’s hair, Adora’s pulled out of her head by Catra’s low hum next to her ear. The long lost sound makes her lips turn up. She always used to tease Catra about how she purrs like an actual cat. Not quite, but… it’s nice. It’s soothing.

Rubbing her cheek against Catra’s ear in a similarly feline fashion, Adora chuckles, “Yeah, I miss this too.”

A quiet snort is muffled in her shoulder, Catra’s back puffing out against the arm still slung across her shoulders. “Don’t ruin it.”

“Okay,” says Adora. So she holds her close, and doesn’t say another word.

Maybe this is all she’ll ever get from Catra, holding and comforting her after others have hurt her. But it’s enough. It has to be.

Adora, NO, shut up! She loves you!

Ughhhh well this scene is super cute and super frustrating, both of which want to make me throw things. But that’s very on brand for this fic.

[hyena-frog]

One of the most amazing scenes in Dark Age was when Darrow talked to Atalantia - he was broken emotionally after seeing his beloved wife and Sovereign trampled by the mob, but he never gave in, he still called out that devious bitch (btw, Darrow swears a lot in DA, that's how much shit escalated). It was glorious and heart-breaking at the same time. Darrow can compertimentalize his emotional baggage extremely well, but 😭😭😭 What are some Darrow DA acenes you loved?

That chapter was so hard to read. 😭 That chapter, and up until the moment when Virginia’s supplies finally arrived, was Darrow’s lowest emotional point in the whole book. (I nearly cried at the end of the chapter when he lay down to stare at the ceiling, clutching Pax’s key.) But Darrow kept it together, even while Atalantia gloated. I was fascinated that Atalantia complimented him (even though she was being totally gross about it), and said: “No betraying inflections. No microexpressions of grief. Simply obduracy, despite the dread clawing at the back of your eyes—a doomed army, a lost child, a dead wife... That is a Peerless Scarred...” (Page 283) Society Golds can call Darrow the “Slave King” and other derogatory things all they like, but even their dictator can acknowledge this lowly Red has a steel spine.

I like to think Darrow’s call outs both before and after Atalantia broke the news of what happened in the Senate got under her skin too. First he tells her she was Magnus’ least beloved daughter for her debauchery, then that she is afraid of Darrow and his army and of “becoming Pyrrhus.” I can’t help but notice the next time we see her private quarters, the meditation chamber has become austere and empty, almost like she took some of those words to heart and changed her frivolous decorations to something more in keeping with an Iron Gold. But that’s just me.

Compartmentalizing emotions is something Darrow does well, maybe too well, to the point even Sevro can get fed up with it (but that’s mostly on Sevro). But that trait is exactly what kept Darrow’s army afloat on Mercury. Even with his heart broken, he didn’t compulsively decide to give in to Atalantia’s demands nor did he decide to attack her in some suicide charge. He was able to think clearly enough to admit he can’t make an unbiased decision and left it up to his high command. It was both a sign of respect for his army and clear proof that he truly doesn’t believe in his own myth. He’s just a man. I think this is ultimately what pivots Harnassus to being 100% behind Darrow as leader. And what snaps Calloway out of his stupor after Orion’s death.

(Everyone swore a lot in DA. Shit escalated at an exponential rate. Darrow, Daxo, Core Golds like Cicero and Atlas. I’ve never seen so many “fucks” in this series. And little Electra got in a “cunt” or too. Whoever says Pax and Electra don’t act their age have obviously never met the same kids I have. 😂)

The simplest answer to your question about which Darrow scenes I loved, is all of them. I loved everything Darrow did in this book even though his story line was the heaviest overall. But I thought long and hard and came up with 5 scenes I enjoyed the most (presented chronologically, not ranked):

1) “We brush away light resistance at the downed Storm God.” (Page 134) I get such a thrill every time I read that line. It’s so funny (and satisfying) to read Darrow’s nonchalance after Lysander’s attempted stand against Darrow just a page before. Boy got his ass thoroughly thrashed. Meanwhile Darrow didn’t even know he was there. He had bigger fish to fry.

That said, this first point actually goes to the entirety of Darrow’s last chapter in Part I. Him running back and forth all over Heliopolis to help his army, to the point Harnassus thought the men must have taken hallucinogenics, because there is no way all of them saw Darrow during the battle, right? And Darrow having a heart attack from over-stimming and general exhaustion, but still wanting to fight. 😭 He’s so good. When Harnassus reached up to cup Darrow’s face, told him to rest, and that they will carry the rest, it was the first time I thought there was more to the man, which I’m glad paid off at the end.

And of course, Screwface’s legendary “Hic est Lupus, motherfucker.”

2) “Sevro’s Palace” — It was Darrow’s only moment of comedy in the whole book (aside from occasionally teasing Rhonna about Alex) and I cherish it. From Glirastes’ dramatics, to Rhonna refusing to go into Sevro’s room for the sardine side quest, to Darrow getting an ass full of needles because he didn’t think Sevro booby trapped his room (of course he did, boyo), to this part:

(Page 494) -chef’s kiss- It’s so good.

But then the comedy quickly turns heart-wrenching as Darrow is forced to truly reflect on Sevro’s absence for the first time since the end of Iron Gold. We learn a lot about Sevro through Darrow’s eyes, like Sevro’s soul being his armory, that is, his family. How Sevro being raised by an absent warlord affected him and informed his decision to leave for Luna. How Darrow understands the decision even if he doesn’t agree with it.

What ultimately gut-punched me good was how seeing Sevro’s soul laid bare like that made Darrow resolve to ask for his forgiveness, and to be a better husband and father.

3) “Meat Straw” — The infamous “twitching meat carpet” line is disgusting yet everyone remembers it. Just like Darrow’s violence throughout the finale. Horrific but beautiful in a way. But I like the very end of the chapter the best:

(Page 691) Why? Reaper laughing like that was hot. I don’t have a deep reason for everything. 😂

4) This one is technically cheating because it’s multiple scenes but, I liked each time Lysander acknowledged how cool or frightening or cunning Darrow was. Here are a couple specific examples from the final battle:

(Page 693) Really cool imagery comparing Darrow to a tiger.

(Page 695) “Red acrobatics” 👀👀👀

5) The final showdown between Darrow and Lysander. What I like to call the razor jousting scene. The two of them on giant sunblood horses, charging each other down a dark street, is just the coolest mental image this book gave me. Even though Lysander cheated with that extra razor, and it resulted in one of the most tragic casualties of the book (Darrow’s razor). I’m glad Lysander got a shattered arm out of it. Plus, Darrow remained seated despite his own shattered arm and a razor in his lung, while Lysander went flying, the Pixie.

Thank you for the ask!

[sleepingcat]

I used to live in Japan

For years my biggest dream had been to experience the neon lights of Tokyo, walking down the streets of Kyoto and eating takoyaki while dressed in a brightly coloured yukata watching fireworks. When I discovered a way to get there, I took it. 

I spent four years in a small city in Japan, studying for a university degree. The city was a cluster of old houses and onsen. The harbour would smell of drying seaweed during the warmer part of the year and in winter the fishermen would disappear from the pier, not even the insects that usually crawled over the stone could be seen anywhere. There was a small local hot spring a short walk from the seaside apartment I shared with my partner. However, instead of sharing the small bath with the wrinkled locals, we would take the bus uphill to enjoy a private hour in one of the larger bath house’s family rooms.

As graduation came closer, my partner and I left the small, seaside city and moved to Tokyo to work. We found a two-floor apartment with a tiny garden (or rather, a small patch of grass) and despite the density of the houses and the sounds of the inhabitants around us, there was space. 

Tokyo was always awake. On the weekends people would crowd out on the streets and during the summer festivals they would sit packed like sardines on blankets, watching the hanabi. When the show ended, the whole mass of sardines would start to make their way to the train. All at the same time. Like a stim of fish. 

On Monday mornings, the trains would be just as packed. Suited salarymen and neatly dressed women desperately trying to get on trains where the doors barely closed. When the train rocked to the sides upon switching tracks, they would rock as one in the same direction. Then the train driver would announce Shinjuku and each one of the salarymen and women would press forward to get out. All in a hurry to reach their destination. Sometimes an appropriate black work shoe with a four centimetre heel would lie lost on the ground, the owner nowhere to be seen. 

In the evenings at 9pm the same men and women would line up on the track with half-shut eyes, or in drunken conversation with colleagues. When the train opened its doors upon arrival at the station, a lucky few would hasten to a seat and then pretend to sleep until their stop - you may have guessed it; if you can’t see the old lady in need of sitting down she does not exist. 

If you scanned the train for a blonde you would have seen me there. I would have been dressed in the same anonymous monochrome colours as the men and women around me, and I would have been wearing the same tired look on my face. 

This was a scenario constantly on repeat. Until we moved to Finland. 

Leaving Japan was about slowing down. About finding a way to live that does not revolve around constant action and doing. This blog is a reflection of that journey. It’s about pausing to smell the flowers along the road. The blog is personal and works as a medium to share thoughts and feelings, however, please feel free to share your experiences along the way. 

When was the last time you stopped to smell the flowers?