#sadboy hours baby

[myuiis]

Like the Ashes in my Cigarette Box

samuel centric one-shot

big deal family feels + angst + semi-fluff

implied samuel x jake and some samuel x sinu x jake (can be read platonically if you wanted to)

8000 words (yeah... 8000... i went a little ham on this one)

Summary:

That’s what Big Deal is to Samuel.

The ashes in a cigarette box. Reminders of what could’ve been.

title inspired by Tongues and Teeth by the crane wives which is THE jakemuel song of all time dont @ me

bonus: my favorite parts of the fic :)

yeah so anyways thats it thanks for coming to my deranged twisted rant session see you next time if i ever decide to write lookism fics again

[pluralthey]

have you ever introduced izzy’s alters here before? if not, could you show or talk a bit more about them? also, is there any reason why izzy sees herself as herself (mostly) in her head while felix sees themself as a little plush dude

dude i just spent a fucking hour answering this ask and tumblr decided to eat the entire post so sorry if i'm brusque about this.

this is izzi, she's the host of. izzi. she's a composite of 6 alters who integrated about half a decade prior and operate like 6 guys in a trenchcoat on a shared desire for power and control over the system using a hierarchy to resolve conflicts. not a subsystem, this is One Big Slime who used to be 6 Smaller Slimes.

the integrated alters:

this is 5150, the guy who functions as the head of the trenchcoat. it loves chaos and has a nasty habit of holding grudges. it's also incredibly weak without integrative support and has a lot to lose if the psyche becomes too unstable and consequently has a lot of motivation to, ironically, provide order and fairness between the integrative parts.

this is shivaree, first alter to integrate with 5150. she has a lot of influence over izzi's endgame personality as you might guess from how similar her appearance is. she was here for a good time not a long time and she loved fun, usually acquired through novelty. she was bubbly and social.

this is baby. baby was a psychosis sink, so, young, battered by psychotic symptoms constantly, and non-verbal. fourth to be integrated.

this is "the worm," although he went by like idk fucking oliver or something while he was hosting. sadboy, to izzi's integrated psyche he most provides some kind of moral compass because you can't feel like a bad person without one.

there were 2 more i never bothered to design, a skeleton edgelord (the face cutter) and a shadow the hedgehog introject, who had similar personalities, including their anger issues.

onto other alters who currently exist in izzi's system.

this is diesel. he's a composite of two protectors who integrated with each other instead of 5150 and he's tanky enough to step toe-to-toe with her when she's being a moron in a life-threatening way. diesel will ONLY front when he feels like his physical safety is on the line, but may do so before Literally Everything Is On Fire. rest is for the best babeyyy

this is LG. she's a little and she slides between ages 5 to like 13 or 14. she is a land before time fictive and she fucking loves dinosaurs so much. she fronts, y'know, whenever. she was Big Sleepy (dormant) while izzi was going through the process of integration, and is therefore not integrated. it isn't quite impossible to upset her but if you manage to do it the consequences are catastrophic.

these two are paired together even though they function separately and have very different personalities.

quinn is a textbook inner self helper/overseer, very hands-off, very aware of the system's lore and overall condition. they're a factive. plants are to them what dinosaurs are to LG.

malcolm is izzi's co-host. i would say you'd see them at least once per month if you were in contact with izzi every day. her longer term partners recognize malcolm (and LG) but she's told them to just shut the door on malcolm's face if they ever notice them fronting. they are a split from quinn and all of those bad little emotions that would make an overseer less rational got packed away into malcolm instead without any of the memories to even make sense of them. malcolm's existence happened after the period of intense integrative therapy for izzi, so they are not integrated with her. izzi sees malcolm as a symbol of failure on her part (even though they are Literally the only alter in the system who DIDN'T evade integration in some way, just straight up didn't exist while the therapy was happening), and the weakest link, consequently often using them like a punching bag. she will sometimes inexplicably veer to being friendly with them, but malcolm's disdain for her is a constant.

[no-see-um-incorrect]

 Music head cannons for the Yuurivoice boys (i’ll be doing redacted next) the characters are gonna be getting playlist soon, so think of this as a prediction 

Auron 

This man has CORPSE on his playlist somewhere. If you’re talking about what the characters do outside of the audios together, my suspicion is that Alphonse probably showed him. Given his whole aesthetic, E-girls are ruining my life. Is probably the song he likes the most.

CODE MISTAKA. Is probably a close second.

My guess is he listens to a lot of like loud, hard rock music. He also probably has the whole reputation album by Taylor Swift on full blast while he’s cleaning his penthouse. Whenever I think of Auron I think of monster by skillet as his theme song 

Seth 

We already know he listens to Noah Kahan

But I raise you this 

Ed Sheeran. Specifically the songs.

The A Team & I don’t care

He has two playlists on Spotify  there’s one that’s just his normal playlist, and then a playlist titled

🚬Mama💋

(probably not with emojis but you get the idea)

Charlie

My pizza rat Boi~

No, I do not know why….but I have this thought in my head  of Charlie going through the neighborhood on his skateboard delivering pizzas singing ”milkshake by kelis” I don’t know why, but once I thought about it, it hasn’t left my head.

Just a lot of ass shake songs you know so he can shake what he doesn’t have(I said what I said)

Milkshake by kelis

Toxic by Britney Spears

Bottoms up by trey Songz 

 like his playlist is a roller coaster of 90s and early 2000s ass shake songs and songs that would make you cry for two hours 

Casper listens to his playlist for like 20 minutes and comes out like “Charlie, sweetheart love of my life……WHAT THE FUCK”

Alphonse 

This man’s hot shit And his music reflects that.

Candy shop by 50 Cent (that one’s obvious)

Stupid by Ashnikko

Girls/Girls/Boys by panic at the disco 

This is hot people music and Alphonse KNOWS he’s a hot person

Of course, any character with dead parents comes fully equipped with the using Music instead of therapy add on so amongst the hot people songs we’ve got

 supermarket flowers by Ed Sheeran 

Dog days are over by Florence + the machine 

Makes Me Sick by Addison Grace

His “sad boy hours” playlist borderline concerns, boo  and will make Seth cry if he listens to it.

Finn

I had to keep it together while thinking about the music of Finn. On one hand, I think it would be a lot of Positivity and loving yourself, music on the other hand….. this man was in emotionally, abusive relationship, 

Strawberry Blond by Mitski 

(this next one is a maybe)

Diet Culture by Brye

Soldier poet King by the oh hellos

But then we get into Sadboy territory  but also borderline Yan-Finn

He loves me (he loves me not) by Baby Bugs

TV by Billie Eilish 

Mr. potato head by Melanie Martinez 

(maybe) agoraphobic by CORPSE

A few other Melanie Martinez songs 

Lucian 

Buckle up 

Family line by Conan Gray

In my room by ICP

FACK by Eminem (hear me out)

Take me to Church by Hozier 

Mary on a Cross by Ghost 

He’s a demon, dirty minded, and the youngest son of the devil himself

The weirdest playlist of all time, and I am

here for it 

That is all for now. Have a great night everybody 















[annoyangle]

//lol tagging is hard to read ANYWAY spoiler cut for more speculation and bill opinions

So I think he's evil, He's a villain. I don't want to take that away from him or undercut and make him some kinda sobby soft baby sadboi that's a huge pile of Therapy Needed mess (all the time; though I am 100% he's emotionally bluffing on a bunch of things, I do also believe he is inherently on the Side of Lawless Evil) but at the same time yeah the cumulative statements of everything said about Bill over the years is that he is one MESSED UP lil' triangle. As the old villain song from Quadrophenia goes,

No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies

But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free

No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings Like I do And I blame you

No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through

But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat If I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

I also think that as he elevated himself into his current position (which I DO think is powerful and as cosmic as he says) over the millienia he also become not only rebellious but also MASSIVELY DISAPPOINTED WITH WHAT HE LEARNED. It's the misery of being able to see everything, all the time, and living so long that he can see cycles of trauma, abuse and horror every where; there's no way to deal with this as any kind of sentient being without taking an extreme position in response - whether seeing everything as pointless and meaningless ("nothing makes sense so you might as well make nonsense") and now to the point where his rebellion is against the entire structure of reality itself

[wistfulcynic]

@optomisticgirl tag-summons me and i answer 😘

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason. <3

First fic: Sea Drift, an excruciatingly navel-gazey Killian Jones character study that becomes and almost not bad S3 no-curse mini-fic then dips a toe into an alt S4 before i got tired of it. Part of me almost wants to rewrite the no-curse stuff but as things stand i cannot in good conscience recommend it.

Last fic: On the Side of the World, a Good Omens third season pre-write. This one i can and do recommend. i'm having such a good time writing it. Please read it and validate me with comments

Only once: A World in Lilac Hues, my Pride and Prejudice modern AU. The only P&P fic i will ever write and ironically the most popular fic of mine by several country miles.

Favorite fic from the fandom I've written in most: i am pretty fond of a lot of my CS fics but the edge probably has to go to To Keep It All The Year. Not a Christmas Carol AU but inspired by it, with similar themes and structure and one of my favourite sadboi Killians and beyond a doubt the best ending i've ever written. Consistently the only one of my fics that makes me cry and one that i reread every year.

Fic I wish more people read: On the Side of the World, probably, because it's the current WIP and i love it and frankly the ship has sailed on CS and OFMD. If you don't want to read those it's your loss and i am not the boss of you, sorry you have bad taste in fanfic (this is only partly a joke). But OTSOTW is my current baby and like all parents i am prepared to make strangers admire it by force if necessary.

Fic I agonized over: idk if agonise is really the word but i wrote all the perfect things (that i doubt) for @ohmightydevviepuu and i wanted it to be Just Right for her so i gave it a lot of thought.

Fic that sprang fully formed: do you know why we have the sunflowers i wrote in about an hour. It was just There in my head. (also fave OFMD fic)

Work(s) I'm proud of: listen, i am not modest about my fic and currently not in the mood to be coy about it. i'm proud of all of it, even the rough early stuff and the ones with great big visible flaws. Some of them i would never want to read again but i'm still proud of them because they were part of the journey. Read them or don't, they will continue to be good regardless.

A tag to summon @thisonesatellite @idoltina @iverna @chocolatepot @kmomof4

[clonehub]

oh did yall know that Kiki sensed Hahkin's death as though she were having a sharp, crushing pain directly in the center of her chest. She collapsed in tears.

[lyragirl11]

Just be honest with me or stay the fuck away. It's not that difficult.

[tastelandbaby]

Sometimes it’s such a burden. To be trapped inside my own head.

[whocansail]

For when LWJ stands against the Lan elders (this moment is for sure catalyzed by WWX, but I don’t think it’s wangxian? you can decide): Let It Go from Frozen

For baby LWJ sadboi hours when he was kneeling in the snow waiting for his mother: Small Blue Thing by Suzanne Vega

To be played with graceful elegance (and the petty spite of “you know you could never play this well”) thesomewhere Su Minshan can hear but definitely not *for* him: Chopin Fantaisie Impromptu Op. 66 (a notoriously difficult but simultaneously kinda dreamy & romantic piece)

In seclusion (also definitely catalyzed by WWX but I don’t think this is wangxian either): Tourniquet by Evanescence

Most of my character playlists have at least a few songs that are fully About Them rather than any specific relationship, and out of their relationship songs, at least two different relationships are represented, but my Lan Wangji playlist is like. All Wangxian.

[sleepypossumcore]

[interestingsalad]

whomst else is nervous as FUCK for tonight’s episode ladies

[manawariiii]

Before i forget to post

Here's more not-rendered societyboy art

And uh, some of my headcanons:

- He prolly doesnt shower his hair, that's why it looks 'fluffy' but once you get close, jeez, it'll smell like mixture of hairwax and sweat

- Dating mc made him boost his ego alot. (Since mc, obviously, is hot as hell.)

- Before mc dated socboy, he had this whole nice guy facade on to lure them into dating him.

- Sociboy is a sadboi ( filipino definition of it.lmao)

- He smokes, ALOT. But during college, he stuck to vape

- Skinny and scrawny

- Has one of those anime boobs mouse pad

- probably had 2-3 minecraft girlfriends

- his favorite movie is obviously the joker movie

- has rich parents. His dad hates him but his mom treats and spoils him like a baby

- If you enter his room there would be piles of empty cupnoodles,bags of chips, soda cans, etc.

- Has a group of friends that treat him like a wallet.

- His hair color was originally brown but he dyed it to dark seagreen in honor of the joker (im cackling)

- Bites his fingernails.

- lamp post

- He gets mad at you for every little thing even though it's never your fault. Then proceeds to shower you with gifts hours later.

- good at guilt tripping ofc.

- did everything he could do to make you depend on him and made you feel as if you are nothing without him.

- He became an outcast when you exposed and left him.

- unironically says amogus

- says woman (derogatory)

- he smells like a mixture of cigatette and axe body spray

__________________

I had fun with this, was laughing and snorting with toes curling while writing this, (i dont like socboy, i think he's an awful human being. I just did this for clout)

[altocat]

The most recent ask was so cute omg, precious babies! Can u mybe give us some more details or hcs on Seph’s nightmares/insomnia comfort? The endless fic possibilities for a comforting Sephiroth from night terrors or just generally trying to lull him to sleep have my mind racing and you’re always so great at coming up with wonderful tid bits and slices of life!

Lordy, my version of Seph is such a neurotic basket case (behind closed doors, of course). This man has murdered millions rofl. I wish his Crisis Core self wasn't such a soft sadboy.

Anyway, Sephiroth's sleeping issues are such a MOOD.

-Sleeping has been an issue for him ever since childhood. He always has nightmares about some scary red-eyes woman chasing him, or a huge ball of fire in the sky that swallows him up. Every other night it's those things. Sometimes, he can feel blood coating his body, hear the screams of people all around him. The flames. Pleas. Begging. Shapes that chase him. A great hole in his torso. Over and over and over again.

-If not those things, he often dreams of being in the lab again, small and scared and trapped. Unable to escape or fight back, unable to stop the pain. Hojo putting him in the tank or strapping him to a table. That feeling of complete helplessness, of knowing that you are completely alone in this world and there is nothing you can do about it. Complete and total despair.

-He wakes up having terrible fevers and night sweats, always shaking and trying to regain control. Sometimes, he remains stuck in the episode, unstable and dangerous, unable to process his own surroundings. And wanting very, very violently to just make everything go away forever.

-He comes to rely heavily on tranquilizers, both before bed and during the day. Towards the tail end of his life before Nibelheim, Sephiroth was taking a ton of pills almost every hour. I wanted to pay homage to the writer's original plans for making him addicted to Mako by low-key having him be addicted to tranqs. He takes them to prevent himself from thinking about his lost friends, and to keep himself from dreaming. But the more and more he takes, the less and less it helps. Seph is very durable to magic so sleep magic almost never works.

-So whoever is his partner is going to have their hands full. Sephiroth acts in his usual aloof and professional manner and often brushes aside his sleep issues and insomnia as if they're nothing. He hates looking vulnerable or weak, or having his pride be upstaged by petty human problems.

-Shinra does not like the idea of their propaganda tool needing a psychologist or therapy so you'll have to work with what you have (Seph probably wouldn't go anyway). The best plan of action is to start with some soothing techniques with him. Deep breaths. Maybe a nice warm bath. Create a floaty headspace atmosphere. Gentle touches. Gentle coaxing. Remind him that it's okay to feel things, and that it will stay private and no one else has to see. Let him be arrogant or stubborn if he wants to. Just make sure he's not shutting everything out.

-If he's having a bad dream, his partner needs to be ready in the event he wakes up in one of his episodes. It can be scary and he likely won't know or remember what's going on. A lot of easing and centering, remind him that what he saw isn't real or true. There's just now. And this place is safe.

-It's good, in these moments, to allow him to have boundaries and a sense of control. Offer to hold or be held if he wants it. Respect his wishes if not. Sephiroth might just want to pretend it's all fine and attempt to go back to sleep. That's fine. You can talk about it when he's ready.

-If he is groggy and desperate enough to want cuddles HOLD AT ALL COSTS. He likes his hair smoothed back. Light massages to his neck and temples. Soft whispers. Eventually, he goes slack again, twitching occasionally. If he falls back into bad dreams, just keep petting. It's ok. No murder thoughts. Shhh.

-Sephiroth is an extremely aloof, prideful individual so the idea of what he perceives to be coddling repels him. He either has to really trust you or you gotta be sneaky. He might very well act pissy and gruff about it the next day as a way to save face. It's best to just roll your eyes and let him vent if he wants. Baby steps. It's a careful push and pull.

-Seph actually getting a comfy sleep is pretty nice though. He's dead weight and will probably crush the shit out of you if you're not careful. And the purrs. Content catboy purrs. 🌈🌈🌈

[tricktster]

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don���t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[officialcharactersimp]

Reader having a nervous breakdown with wanda

@badthingshappenbingo (3,1): Nervous Breakdown

Noah's 500 Simplets Celebration Bingo!

OOF (shit I thought I posted this yesterday)

CW: nervous breakdown; reader is v upset; Wanda taking care of reader; no smut; sadboi hours for reader

"Baby, what's wrong?" Wanda rushes into the kitchen when she heard you yell in frustration. She sees you with your hands on your head, two fistfuls of hair, hunched over and shaking in front of the counter, where there is a mostly-empty cereal bowl, a box of cereal laying down, and a lot of cereal... everywhere. "It's okay, come here," she tries to gather you into her arms for a hug, but you turn away.

"No!" you shout. "It's not okay! Nothing is okay!"

"What's wrong, y/n," Wanda asks you.

"I-just-everything!" your fists ball up tighter, the pull stinging your scalp.

"Baby, you're gonna hurt yourself if you keep pulling at your hair like that," she asks. You don't respond or stop. "Can you let go for me?" she asks, inching towards you.

"No," you shake your head, all your muscles growing even more tense as you squeeze your eyes shut tight enough that it hurts,"

"Y/n, come on, let go," she places her hands lightly around your wrists. You try to flinch away, but her grip becomes firmer.

"Let me go!" you shout.

"I'm not going to let go, y/n, you're hurting yourself and you're not in any state to be alone right now," her voice is calm but firm. You try to get away, but she has you caged against the counter. She quickly eases your hands out of your hair and holds them fast in front of you. You drop your head to your chest and whine loudly.

"What's happening, y/n? How can I help you?" she asks.

"I-I don't- I can't even think!" she winces as you scream the last word. "I can't get anything right! Everything is too much and I can't- I can't do it!" you finally voice your fears allowed. "I can't, I can't, I can't!" the words become harder and harder to make out as you begin to sob.

"Oh, baby, come here," she pulls you in for a hug, putting your arms around her. You cling to her for dear life.

"I can't do it Wanda, I can't," you cry over and over again into her shoulder. "Can't- can't even g-get my cereal-" you say. "too sh-shaky."

"Here, I'll help. You just hold on to me like this-" she turns around and wraps your arms around her waist. The two of you awkwardly waddle to the carnage that was your cereal. You press your cheek to her back as she pours what's left in the box in your bowl. You'd managed to get the milk out, so she pours it in over the cereal, then sets it at the counter before peeling you off of her and sitting you down on a barstool.

"You eat that while I clean this up," she kisses your temple and gets the broom. You manage to eat your cereal without spilling it, and when you're both done, Wanda grabs your bowl and puts it in the sink, then comes and hugs you from behind.

"How about we get you all fresh and clean, huh? That'll help, for sure," she says, helping you stand. She wraps and arm around your waist and holds one of your hands as she guides you through the house into the bathroom. "Which do you want: a shower or a bath?" she asks you.

"Don't want either," you mumble.

"Honey, I didn't ask if you wanted to take a shower or a bath, I asked which one you prefer," she says.

"Bath," you mumble after a minute.

"Okay, bath it is then,” she says, turning on the tap. She hands you a hairbrush, then takes it back after a minute. Your whole body is shaking much too hard to brush with any efficacy.

She smooths out the rat’s nests of your hair and then coaxes you into the tub. You sit curled up in a tight ball in the hot water. She sighs and grabs the soap, then starts to wash you.

“Why are you doing this?” you ask.

“Because I love you and I care about you. I feel sad when you don’t take care of yourself and when you’re hurting this much, so I want to help you how I can,” she says simply.

“Feels like there’s two tons sitting on my chest and shoulders all the time,” you whisper.

“I know honey. Don’t worry. We’ll fix this, I promise,” she tells you.

“You can’t fix me. I’m too broken,” you say, burying your face in your knees again. She gently but firmly forces you to unfold from yourself and lean back in the tub.

“I never said I’m fixing you. You’re not broken,” she says gently. “Just hurting.”

[heliotropehotch]

caffeinated - a.h. x gn!reader

Request by @ssa-sadboi : I had this idea... hear me out. I used to drink a lot of red bull/ monster to get through the day, but would have really bad sugar crashes. Like it started as just one very so often, to 2-3 a day. What helped me stop drinking it in excess was having people take them from me or me ask them to get rid of them for me. I was thinking maybe Hotch could be that person in the fic. I know this might be a dumb idea, but I’m curious what you think about it. Hope that you’re having a good day.

a/n: Turned this into a cute little drabble! I didn’t have much time to work on this one, so pls if you see any mistakes just let me know! And as always thanks to @moonstuffsteve for being my rock and helping me think out my ideas <3

Masterlist

author: abby<3

words: 957

They had slumped against their desk, head resting lazily in their hand as their other hand dragged a pen over the papers in front of them. A yawn left their mouth, their body elongating with a stretch, muscles yelling and joints popping. Across the room, Derek’s body was slumped in a similar situation, though he didn’t look as bored. Emily stood slowly, stretching herself as she met with JJ in the break room. Reid, who had already finished his work for the day, was leaned back, a book perched in his hand. It was a slow day, but Y/N knew it wouldn’t last that long.

Garcia’s heels clacked down the hall, causing everyone in the bullpen to straighten their backs just a little bit more. “Alright, my glorious crime fighters I’ve got a case. Conference room in 10.”

Y/N watched as Penny darted up the steps to Hotch’s office. A small smile reserved for very few people showed itself on his face at her antics. Y/N mirrored it to themself.

A trek to the break room was needed, if only to grab a can of RedBull out of the fridge. They were quick to drink it, taking any necessary steps to gain their initial energy that came with their morning. The bottom of the can was aimed at the ceiling as their feet tracked over the walkway.

As they finished their chug, a palm smoothed over their back. Looking up, they were only met with the eyes of Hotch, their boyfriend of a year. He nodded to the now empty can in their hand. “How many does that make for today?”

“...two,” they responded in kind. “I’m in a slump today, Aaron.”

He just sucked his teeth, shaking his head slightly. He paused in his step, thumb still tracing soft circles against the fabric of their shirt. “Can you do me a favor today?”

“Of course,” their voice was sweetly, ready to do anything that man asked of them.

“Go slow today on those. I need you alive and awake.”

“Aaron-”

“I’m not asking you to stop completely, but when you chug them like you do, you tend to crash. Just not today okay? This case looks bad.”

Their fingers twiddled against each other, sheepishly. “Okay, I can do that.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, one reserved for only Y/N. “Now come on, they’re waiting on us.”

~~~~~~~

They had tried to keep their promise, they really did. But when the team worked a case like this, especially one involving kids, where everyone stayed working into the early hours of the morning, there wasn’t really anyone to blame for needing a boost of energy.

Now, though, on the flight back to DC, the crash, the one Aaron had been trying to avoid, was hitting harder than he expected. Head lolled to rest on his shoulder, Y/N was passed out, sleeping with furrowed brows and the occasional twitch of a finger. He sighed, unused arm moving carefully around the paperwork he had already started. He adjusted the arm they laid on, moving to pull them to his chest instead, his arm wrapped around their waist.

That’s how they stayed for the rest of the flight, aside from the occasional shift in legs or head position. He thought they would surely wake when the plane jostled against the ground at its landing, yet no drastic change happened.

One by one, the team left the comfort of the cabin, throwing sweet smiles in their direction where Hotch stayed out. Rossi paused, adjusting the strap to his go bag. He nodded towards Y/N. “Do you need any help with that?”

Aaron chuckled, knowing it would do nothing to disturb. “No, I’ve got it.”

Rossi nodded, bidding goodnight before exiting the plane. Aaron sighed again, taking in the peacefulness of the moment. The way their breath tickled the fabric against his chest, hairs on their forehead syncing with the movement. His hand brushed the hairs back, allowing him to press a firm kiss on their forehead before speaking lowly.

“Y/N-“ his voice was firm but lulling as his hands shook their shoulders. “It’s time to get up.”

They hummed, eyes remaining closed as they shifted a bit. “Come on, love.”

“Mmm-“ their eyes blinked open, darting around the empty plane before looking up into Aaron’s eyes. “Are we home already?”

“Yeah, sleepyhead,” he chuckled. “You were out for half the flight.”

He swept their hair back again as they tried to recalibrate their foggy mind. “I was gonna say let’s go get dinner, but are you too tired?”

They shook their head, a yawn coming out as they spoke. “…No.”

“Baby,” he shook his own head, moving his body away from their warmth as he stood. “You know you wouldn't crash so hard if you cut back a little bit.”

“I know, Aar,” they moved out of their own seat, stretching as they stood.

“I wanna spend time with you, sweetheart. But not when you’re passed out in a sugar coma.”

They smiled sheepishly, fingers reaching out for his to wrap around. “I love you, Aaron,” they nudged his shoulder. “I don’t know where to stop though.”

They made their way to Aaron’s car, slipping into the faint neon light of the dash. “Tell you what, we’ll get rid of it all tomorrow. Maybe we can try out coffee or tea. I’ll help you through it, okay?”

“Okay,” they smiled, reaching across the middle console to take his arm in theirs. They pulled the back of his hand to their mouth to press a kiss to the skin. “Thank you, baby.”

“Of course, sweetheart.” He chuckled, one hand on the steering wheel. “I’ll always help you out.”