tricktster

[tricktster]

oh!!!! congratulations on the home!!! <3

it is just sooo exciting and sooo special when you have kids and you can give them space that is so entirely /theirs/ and set up the rest of the house to a space where you can safely say "yes" to however they want to play

YOU GET IT.

[tricktster]

Also i have ordered garish bedspreads with rainbows and a photorealistic t-rex respectively for the kids’ garish bedframes, which have RGBICWW LED lightstrips built in and can be controlled by an app, because while this is not a competition, and we are all adults and coparent beautifully and etc etc etc it is very important to me that they like their bedrooms at our house more than at their moms’.

Congrats on homeownership!!!!! I hope nothing breaks in your first year and that’s it’s the most minimal amount haunted!!! Have fun painting and putting nails in the wall and not having to ask permission for stuff!!!

You are lovely. I am just so excited to show the kids and let them pick their own rooms and after several years of sharing living spaces with multiple people that i am not boning and/or a parent to, having a space that is ours. For us. For our lil family and our pup and our future. What I am not getting sentimental and crying you are mistaken.

[tricktster]

Congrats on homeownership!!!!! I hope nothing breaks in your first year and that’s it’s the most minimal amount haunted!!! Have fun painting and putting nails in the wall and not having to ask permission for stuff!!!

You are lovely. I am just so excited to show the kids and let them pick their own rooms and after several years of sharing living spaces with multiple people that i am not boning and/or a parent to, having a space that is ours. For us. For our lil family and our pup and our future. What I am not getting sentimental and crying you are mistaken.

[tricktster]

I AM A HOMEHAVER

THIS IS EXPENSIVE

trying to buy a house is sick. it’s for sickos.

you see a house that looks cool online and it’s JUST in your price range and you have to perform a fiscal colonoscopy to get a lady to write a letter that says you have enough money that the bank will probably let you borrow more money at 6.9% interest, which you have to show to another lady so you’re allowed to look at any houses at all, and then you go to the house with lady 2 and there’s a literal stream of groundwater rushing through the basement IN THE TRENCH THE PRIOR OWNERS DUG TO DEAL WITH THEIR PESKY BASEMENT WATER PROBLEMS and all the floors are on 15 degree incline slopes and the stairs are all moments from collapse then lady 2 seriously stares at you expectantly like “is this great or what”

and then you look at like 15 more houses online and you’re like hey lady 2, can we look at these houses and she’s like “oh sorry, those have been on the market for 23 entire minutes, those are sold now actually”

and then you find another house that you actually want and you know other people want it bad enough that you offer 10k over what the seller’s asking for and somehow that is not enough

and then you find another house that hasn’t sold and you like it a lot but it needs work and the asking price is too high so you’re like hey how about like 5k less than asking so i can like use that money to cool this house during the summer somehow and they say no so then you’re like okay cool how about the exact amount you are literally asking for and they’re like HMMMMMMMM LET ME MULL THIS OVER LET ME FIGURE OUT IF THE PRICE THAT I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR TO BUY THIS HOUSE IS A FAIR PRICE

This is a pervert’s game. I’m not cut out for this.

[tricktster]

Okay so the closing is supposed to be Friday and I got a call from our attorney an hour ago saying, I quote: “Hey so everything’s great on our end but the seller’s having an issue with the payoff letter so that- I’m so sorry I have to go can I call you right back?”

And that was an hour ago.

And he hasn’t called back.

And I don’t know if I get the house Friday.

I hate this i hate this i hate this is this a prank is this a reality show why is it LIKE THIS??!!?

trying to buy a house is sick. it’s for sickos.

you see a house that looks cool online and it’s JUST in your price range and you have to perform a fiscal colonoscopy to get a lady to write a letter that says you have enough money that the bank will probably let you borrow more money at 6.9% interest, which you have to show to another lady so you’re allowed to look at any houses at all, and then you go to the house with lady 2 and there’s a literal stream of groundwater rushing through the basement IN THE TRENCH THE PRIOR OWNERS DUG TO DEAL WITH THEIR PESKY BASEMENT WATER PROBLEMS and all the floors are on 15 degree incline slopes and the stairs are all moments from collapse then lady 2 seriously stares at you expectantly like “is this great or what”

and then you look at like 15 more houses online and you’re like hey lady 2, can we look at these houses and she’s like “oh sorry, those have been on the market for 23 entire minutes, those are sold now actually”

and then you find another house that you actually want and you know other people want it bad enough that you offer 10k over what the seller’s asking for and somehow that is not enough

and then you find another house that hasn’t sold and you like it a lot but it needs work and the asking price is too high so you’re like hey how about like 5k less than asking so i can like use that money to cool this house during the summer somehow and they say no so then you’re like okay cool how about the exact amount you are literally asking for and they’re like HMMMMMMMM LET ME MULL THIS OVER LET ME FIGURE OUT IF THE PRICE THAT I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR TO BUY THIS HOUSE IS A FAIR PRICE

This is a pervert’s game. I’m not cut out for this.

[tricktster]

This post is recirculating all of a sudden and I’m getting the usual questions in the tags, so here is my annual FAQ:

Q: Why was there chocolate in your room at all, TST?

A: At the time I was taking all meals in my room because I had COVID and the rest of the house did not.

Q: Surely you must have noticed the texture difference?

A: I was not operating at 100% on account of I had COVID.

Q: But the smell? You had to have noticed the smell?

A. Here’s the thing about COVID…

it’s so hot here that last night i discovered my trader joe’s chocolate wedges, one of which was meant to be my cheeky before bed treat, had fully liquified

in their normal form, they look like this

alas i thought to myself, setting the small round circular tin down on the far side of the bedside table. none of this for me this tonight, i thought, applying my nightly coat of working hands hand cream

in its normal form it looks like this

i woke up at 4 am and went to the bathroom. had to wash my hands obviously. had to moisturize them afterwards, in the dark, too.

needless to say, the first thing I appreciated when it was, at last, bright enough to see this morning was an

absolute

fucking

calamity.

[tricktster]

you guys think you’re strong and powerful but i could defeat all of you because i just heard my 4 year old tell a fly “get out of here you little fuck!”

and i didn’t.

even.

laugh.

[tricktster]

Sometimes during Kid2’s tub time Kid1 and I play the incredibly complex Jurassic Park theme park simulator game, during which I try desperately to keep our very expensive dinosaurs from busting through the fence yet again and killing our park guests while Kid1 cackles with ever-increasing glee/misanthropy.

I can’t keep the park profitable because our guests do not want to go to Dinosaur Murder Island for some unknown reason, so most of our game is Kid1 asking me to buy more dino eggs while I go “WE CAN’T AFFORD IT!” and then he says “why????” and I say “capitalism!” and I think we’re both learning a lot.

[tricktster]

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now but if you haven’t seen the Gunn Superman yet and you’re maybe a little on the fence about another superhero movie and yet another origin story for Supes please know:

A) It is very fun and not exhausting and I want to watch it again already

B) The soundtrack, unsurprisingly, is impeccable

B)(1) James Gunn did spotify playlists for the main characters and Lois Lane’s has both Pash Rash by Jeff Rosenstock and DVP by Pup and these are actually fully appropriate choices for this version of Lois Lane and I did not realize I wanted a Lois Lane who shares my ethos, drive, and music taste until I saw this movie

B)(2) I am not aware of a person who has listened to the final track in the movie more than me up until now, and now it is in every TikTok edit and I am sure my lifetime listening record has already been easily eclipsed by some Superfan, and man, what a delightful thing that this song is something that people who are not me are avidly enjoying.

B)(3) This movie is actually, honestly, a pretty great summary of my own personal views on punk rock

C) I dunno, you know, at the end of the day it’s still capitalist bread and circuses, but it’s nice to see mass media still lionizing the apparently controversial ideals of kindness, empathy, giving a shit about other beings, doing the right thing even when it’s the hard thing etc. Like, this isn’t capital A Art, but it’s a blockbuster and that means it’s a finger on the pulse of our culture and simultaneously a driver of our culture, and I like that it presents the loser techbro billionaire as an unequivocally bad guy? And the journalists fighting to tell the truth the good ones? The bar is in hell but flying leap right over it,

D) I’m a sucker for James Gunn, and have been since back in his Slither days. I like that he loves his actors and finds great roles for them, and he fucking crussssshed the casting on this one, boys. Perfect supes, perfect lois, perfect jimmy, perfect lex, perfect perry, perfect mr. terrific, perfect hawkgirl, PERFECT guy gardner. Oh and noho hank gets a fun role. AND he still managed to jam Michael Rooker in there.

E) Krypto is very good.

[tricktster]

oh fuuuuuuck i just found a picture of the wigan kebab guy with mr beast. both of them look downright suicidal

[tricktster]

gosh i just love these kooky guys

[tricktster]

Man, I am at a wild stage in my life when I cannot say with absolute confidence which of these I have done most recently.

Which of these have you done most recently:

Had sex with another person

Used recreational drugs

Watched the cartoon Bluey

I’ve never done any of these

[tricktster]

As I have now received several asks about Cassie’s scream yodel, please enjoy some light warbling and then imagine it right in your ear while she tries to stand on you. This dog was made in a lab.

[tricktster]

Apologies for the length, I have cut and pasted most of this from a discord rant I had at @wrexie about this dog. I did not hold back.

So, first and foremost, please know that until the closing on the house we are in the process of purchasing, my boyfriend and I remain residents of his former marital home, which is currently also occupied by: my boyfriend’s ex-wife, her wife, two kids, Brodie (my boyfriend’s dog, predating his marriage), Cassie (the dog my boyfriend and his ex got together while married), Koda (ex-wife’s wife’s dog), and two cats belonging to the ex-wife’s wife.

As you have probably already noted, that is a lot of people and animals to have under one roof, and I do not mean to suggest that only Cassie causes problems. Like, Brodie was just caught red-handed and spore-muzzled eating a puffball mushroom after days of having an upset tummy with no clear origin. Koda sheds basically a full dog’s worth of fur every day. The cats creep into the kitchen at night and eat every single carbohydrate that is not locked away.

But then there’s Cassie.

Is she photogenic? Yes. Is she cuddly? Excessively so. Does she have an ounce of malice in her incredibly muscular body? Absolutely not, she never INTENDS to cause harm.

And yet. She is a menace. She is chaos in its truest form, in that you cannot predict when she will go rogue or what the outcome will be.

To be entirely fair to her, there are predictable things about Cassie. Most of them are unfortunately annoying.

Her daily routine, like what I can count on happening each day, is that she will wake up in the master bedroom in her crate (that has to be covered with sheets like she is a bird to prevent her from realizing people are in the room or she will literally bend the metal until she can worm out somewhere), do a very big stretch while wiping her genitals across the carpet, and as soon as the door to the hallway has opened, she will sprint down it to bodycheck the guest room door which does not latch well, and continue her momentum with a flying leap onto the bed - and ideally its only semi-dressed occupants - so that she can step on them (with her claws firmly planted in any bare skin available) to ensure adequate purchase to lick their faces a lot.

She will be screaming at maximum volume as she does this. She has the ability to change density at will, but at this stage in her routine she will invariably weigh roughly 800 pounds.

Once she has been ousted from the bed and has possibly successfully exposed the breasts of the current guest room occupant (me) to the person who has freed Cassie from her crate (either my boyfriend’s ex-wife or my boyfriend’s ex-wife’s wife), she will need something to carry around in her mouth, immediately.

Will it be an article of underwear from the guest room? A shoe? A dog toy? A child's current most treasured toy? I mean, yes, it will always be one of those, but Cassie shows no preference as to which it will be, it just must be one of them. She NEEDS the object in her mouth to amplify her yodel-whines.

She will then sprint down the stairs and crash into the wall immediately opposite the stairs, where she will scream-yodel around her object until someone removes it from her mouth.

Next, an adult will get her leash on her, because unlike the other two dogs, she can not be trusted to be left to her own devices in a fully fenced in back yard, and will take her out to pee. It will be like the first time she has been on a leash, every time. She will get her front paws on the nearest patch of grass and pee directly onto the concrete.

Now it is poop time, which she will only remember how to do if she has located and smelled prior dog poop somewhere in the yard.

When she is just about done pooping, her ears will prick up and her muscles will tense slightly, giving the leash holder one milisecond to brace before she sprints at full speed in a random direction until she reaches the end of her leash and is violently jerked back by her own force.

She will then turn to look at the leash holder, as if to say "why have you done this to me?”

Sometimes at this stage - to be fair, not always - she will arbitrarily decide to make a run for the pool cover, which, due to several holes in the pool liner, is currently covering an empty 13 foot pit with a small pond of bacteria water in the bottom. If she makes it onto the cover, she will be surprised for a second when the cover sags under her weight, and will then either continue her little stroll over the precarious disease pit without any hesitation, or freeze and look panicked until she is hauled back onto stable ground.

(In re: the pool cover thing, do not think “oh, she probably just thinks it’s full of water under the cover and wants a little swim.” Cassie does not swim. Cassie cannot swim. Cassie achieves maximum density the second she is exposed to water. Cassie sinks.)

After this, it is grazing time.

Once she has eaten a decent amount of grass and has bored of the backyard, Cassie will return to the house, but only after getting her leash wedged incredibly deeply in the same crack in the railing of the back stairs that she always gets it wedged in.

Once she is finally freed, she will head for the bay window where the sun is shining, stretch out as far as possible in the window seat, and then cook in the sun while licking the fabric of the window seat cushion.

Next is breakfast, which she does not like. Food is not interesting to Cassie. Cassie gets energy from somewhere, but it is not calories. She may photosynthesize.

Unless you provide a diversion - say, some ham buried under the kibble - she will just stare at her bowl for about two minutes, and then it's about 50/50 as to whether she elects to eat or just wanders away back to the window, giving Brodie, The Dog Who Is Not Allowed To Eat From a Normal Bowl Because He Eats Way Too Fast And Then Pukes And Then Eats The Puke So He Has To Use A Snuffle Mat To Slow Him Down, the opportunity to steal a second breakfast, which he will throw up and then eat again and then have terrible sulfurous egg farts all day.

Once Cassie is back in the window, all bets are off. We have entered a 14 hour stretch of chaos hours. Anything could happen. Nothing might happen, but anything COULD happen.

Now, the vast majority of chaos hours will be spent sleeping in the sunbeam. Often, the only thing that she does during chaos hours is sunbeam snoozing, punctuated by occasionally taking a shoe off the rack and moving it to a random location in a different room.

Sometimes, however, something resembling a thought will enter her brain.

Like "Oh, interesting, there is an object on a very high shelf. I should do a wall jump and destroy it, and also all the things I knocked over in the process of my wall jump."

"Is that a log by the fire? I should eat that."

"Is that a log in the fire? Actively on fire? I should eat that."

"Wait, are the next door neighbors greeting a friend in their driveway? How rude of me, I haven't even said hello. Even though I am on multiple medications for two extremely obscure tickborne diseases that have made me very tired and sore and I have been getting carried around like a princess for the past three days, I should abruptly leap THROUGH THE WINDOW SCREEN THAT I HAVE NEVER ONCE TESTED THE PERMEABILITY OF IN THE PAST SIX YEARS AND BURST THROUGH IT LIKE I AM MAKING MY SUPER BOWL ENTRANCE, then hit the ground ten feet below at a full sprint so that I, a very muscular pit bull with a wide open mouth full of sharp teeth, can go say an enthusiastic hi! Why are they running? I should chase them! Come back friends! I should bark so they know I am friendly!”

"I have a plan for my afternoon, and that is to lick my genitals for three consecutive hours, then sprint upstairs and eat the limbs off a baby doll."

"What if I just ate a little cat poop from the bathroom litter box and managed to shut myself in the bathroom in the process? I can't be stuck in here! There's litter and cat poop all over the floor for some reason! Guess I'll just have to eat the doorjamb."

"As soon as the front door opens today, I am going to bolt through it and run 4.8 kilometers in an arbitrary direction. I am the wind. You will never find me. Also I will be lost."

"As soon as the front door opens today, I am going to bolt through it and run sedately to the mailbox, which I will sit politely next to until collected. I would never run off."

"I am going to stand in the middle of the room and whine for three minutes because I desperately need to poop. They will know that I need to poop because of my whining."

"I am going to stand in the middle of the room and whine for three minutes because I am thirsty, and I have temporarily forgotten that there is a water bowl connected to a massive water reservoir about eight feet away from me and in my line of sight."

"I am going to stand in the middle of the room and whine for three minutes because I had a dream about chasing a bird earlier."

"I am going to stand in the middle of the room and whine for three minutes because I simply enjoy the noise I am making. Why are you getting the leash? I do not need to poop. I do not even know what poop is."

I love Cassie very much.

We will only be taking Brodie to the new house.

we went to the most sinister restaurant tonight and i cannot really explain WHY

like the am

she’s so perfectly dumb and i cannot help but love her

[tricktster]

Hahahah wait I’m not sure how I posted this when I was intending to post the horrible restaurant story, but let’s go ahead and blame it on an intoxicant that I may or may not have consumed that may or may not have amplified the menace of the Evil Restaurant and frankly, under the circumstances, we definitely should not have gotten the two most visceral dishes on the menu because when you are already crippled by the badness of the vibes in a place, you do not want to be eating bone marrow and clams so tender they are basically paste.

But, that’s honestly neither here nor there, because I have now shared this photo of Cassie and I think we should talk about her.

we went to the most sinister restaurant tonight and i cannot really explain WHY

like the am

she’s so perfectly dumb and i cannot help but love her

[tricktster]

we went to the most sinister restaurant tonight and i cannot really explain WHY

like the am

she’s so perfectly dumb and i cannot help but love her

[tricktster]

they did a remake of that alton brown show where he’d put the chefs in spreader bars or whatever except now there’s a new host and his name is fucking

BRIAN MALARKEY

and they expect me to say nothing about that

brian malarkey.

fuck off.