#repetitive thoughts

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autistic and Getting “Locked” in Repetitive Thoughts

Neurodivergent_lou

[the-anxiety-man]

rumination | combatting repetitive thoughts [cc]

[free--therapy]

it's anon! thank you for helping, i think I can think about the compulsion and rationalising thing much better now.

I am sort of still confused as to what healthy or proper rationalising but does this work?

like recently I've been kind of remembering worries from 2020 and early 2021 because that's where my anxiety actually started or rather, got out of control due to covid and stuff. i just developed health anxiety on and off which led me to a habit of googling whatever I was worried about or joining forums and such and other stuff like that.

looking back, that googling habit or joining anxiety forums and stuff did give me a few "good" results but overall, it did more harm than good. it helped me in few ways but was also pretty destructive in other ways. but since I had no other way of knowing what was going on iwth me and how to get any help or reassurance, so looking online was the only way for me. i also visited the doctor quite a few times in a span of three months due to my worries about a specific symptom I was having and didn't know what it was. I did see one psychiatrist who said it was health anxiety. this lasted on and off for about six months until i got over it.

however in August 2021, i just randomly looked up something I was worried about and OCD came up which triggered me bad and I started looking at forums and support groups too but only for a month or so. Because after that I got a therapist for a few months who asked me that the forums were doing me more harm with minimal help so it was better to leave. And I did which was a great decision because after that, I never read anything online about any mental health disorder. Which works best for me.

Either way, all i know is it was health anxiety but beyond that, I'm not sure what disorder I had or what it was, etc. So i know assuming it was a symptom of xyz disorder is wrong since I can't say for sure.

These days, those memories are coming back and since I've been worried about OCD, thoughts like "was that googling habit a compulsion?" Or "was that xyz thing you did many times a compulsion?" "So was it OCD or obsessive disorder or any related disorder?" Etc.

But i also know, it's in the past and I can never know for sure. So no matter how many thoughts like "was it OCD? Was it this xyz disorder?" etc. come up, i always rationalise it by telling myself certain things.

So now when i remember it and find myself getting worried, no matter how many times the thoughts pop up, how i rationalise it is by telling myself things like:

"right now I'm worried about specific disorders so my mind is trying to bring up anything that sounds similar to trigger me"

"i don't need to know what it was because it's not going to change anything. it's not like it means I have that disorder again. besides what I do know for sure is it was health anxiety. beyond that, i don't need to guess or assume anything because it doesn't matter"

"it most probably wasn't any of those disorders I'm worried about but either way it's in the past and doesn't matter now"

"whatever it was doesn't affect me in anyway in the present. so whatever it was doesn't matter. I'm just overthinking and i know that in the present, I'm fine."

"right now I'm just anxious after a long time of being okay. so I'm having all sorts of worry thoughts but I know they are not true. and this includes thoughts about the past"

"I'm healthy and okay in the present. i don't need to take these what ifs seriously. I'm okay"

Is this a healthy way of rationalising? Am i doing it right?

Hey Anon, yes, it does look like you're on the right track to combatting these thoughts that keep coming up!

And yes, it's probably the best thing you did by leaving those forums because for the most part people on those kinds of forums are only just feeding each others' anxiety and making it way worse. While the internet can be a tool for good use, it can also be more harmful than good, like your therapist said.

When it comes to rationalizing your thoughts, the idea is to basically tell your mind that everything is okay because when these intrusive thoughts start to happen, your mind has been switched into survival mode and it will say and do everything to keep you out of danger, even if the "danger" is only something that is perceived, such as a thought.

[flwrstqr]

⭒ ENHYPEN HYUNG LINE REACTION WHEN YOU PRANK THEM BY NOT WEARING YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING

﹙ 𝓹𝐥𝐨𝐭 ♡𝓹𝐫é𝐜𝐢𝐬 fiancé!enha hyung line x fem!r. 𖥔fluff, headcanons ot7 works one shot wordcount` 1120. 𓈃 ◌⠀⠀˖ 𝐀𝐑𝐂𝐇��𝐕𝐄 𓏵⠀

𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆 (이희승)

"baby, where's your ring?" heeseung’s voice is a little softer than usual, but you can see the way his eyes flicker with worry as he stares at your empty fourth finger. "oh, i just forgot it at home," you shrug, trying to act casual. but his expression shifts, lips pressing into a thin line. "forgot? are you sure? you’ve never forgotten before..." his hand tightens around yours, and you can almost feel him overthinking. "is something wrong? did i do something?" he mumbles, eyes dropping. guilt hits you, and you quickly pull the ring from your pocket, sliding it back on. "i’m sorry, hee, i was just teasing." his face relaxes a little, but he still looks at you seriously. "don’t play with my heart like that, baby. i thought you were having second thoughts."

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐉𝐀𝐘 (박종성)

"princess, where’s your ring?" jay asks, his eyes narrowing slightly as he notices your empty finger. you pause, then shrug with a lazy smile. "oh... i lost it." his eyebrows shoot up, and he stares at you, clearly overthinking. "lost it? how do you lose something like that?" his voice drops, softer now, as he looks away. "not want to wear it? is something wrong?" he asks, his hand tightening around yours. you can tell he’s spiraling, so you quickly pull the ring from your bag, laughing. "jay, no, i was just teasing. i wouldn't ever lose it." he lets out a long breath, shaking his head. "you almost gave me a heart attack. don’t play with me like that."

𝐒𝐈𝐌 𝐉𝐀𝐊𝐄 (심재윤)

"what happened to you ring?" jake asks, his tone casual but his eyes darting to your hand. you shrug. "i forgot it." he pauses, a slight frown forming. "seriously?" he checks your hand again, as if it might magically appear. "you never forget that." you bite back a smile, keeping your face straight. "guess i was in a rush." he just stares for a moment before shaking his head, muttering, "you’re messing with me, aren’t you?" you pull the ring from your pocket, holding it up with a smirk. "gotcha." he rolls his eyes, muttering, "you're ridiculous," but you catch the hint of a smile on his lips.

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐍 (박성훈)

"where’s your ring?" sunghoon asks quietly, eyes darting to your hand as you both walk. you shrug, trying to hide your smile. "i forgot it." he stops in his tracks, blinking at you. "forgot it?" his voice is soft but tense, like he’s trying not to overreact. "do you… do you not want to wear it anymore?" his mind is already spiraling, brows furrowing as he stares at your empty finger. "did i do something wrong?" he mumbles, running a hand through his hair. you can't hold back a giggle, pulling the ring from your pocket. "no, you overthink too much." slipping it back on, you press a quick kiss to his lips. he sighs in relief, wrapping his arms around you. "don’t do that again," he mutters, kissing you once more, this time longer

[ehj3]

METAMORPHOSIS IS FUTILE

“My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication–it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness–it is all that I have–and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.” ― Franz Kafka “What’s happened to me,’ he thought. It was no dream.” ― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis Over the 4-panel…

[howifeltabouthim]

Every single morning this thought overwhelmed him momentarily; it panicked him, so that the first thing he thought when awoke was this: Something is wrong. There is trouble. I am in trouble.

Taffy Brodesser-Akner, from Fleishman is in Trouble

[uolarieclosed]

lee heeseung ☆ ! if you let me

━━━ in which you make quite the impression on lee heeseung who became head over heels in love with you …

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who first fell in love with you when you punched him in the face for being rude.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who couldn’t stop smiling while his friends took him to the infirmary. despite getting his shit rocked, he remembered your pretty face.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who really confirmed his feelings after you apologized with a pack of frozen peas upon seeing the large bruise forming around his eye.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who started pestering you everyday to go on a date with him.

“it’s just ice cream, jongseob told me you liked pistachio and i know a really good place.” heeseung followed you around the classroom. “you mean the same jongseob you were being an asshole to?” you halt, facing heeseung with a scowl—and he swore he felt his heart explode.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who finally got you on a date and was beyond ecstatic. however he’s never been more nervous; pacing around his room looking for the perfect outfit and standing in front of the mirror practicing his greeting to you.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who had to resist the urge to not kiss you after walking you to your door, but he was even more shocked when you kissed him on the cheek, running into your house.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who met you at your locker the next morning, handing you the latte he argued with a freshman over.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who writes down every little thing you tell him. ranging from your favorite foods to your sibling’s birthdays.

“you remembered?” you open the gift box that held your favorite lipstick inside—knowing it had been discontinued. “i listen to everything you say.” you wrap your arms around him, muttering a thank you.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who keeps his hand in your back pocket wherever you two go out and when he wants your attention, he spins you around by your belt hoop.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who holds your things over his head to get you riled up.

“you’re gonna have to jump higher than that angel.” he laughs while standing on his tippy toes.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who will embarrass himself for your entertainment. such as dancing to your favorite songs in public, letting you try your new makeup products on him, and allowing you recite all of the texts he sends you to your friends.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who gets more affectionate and clingy when he drinks too much at a party he shouldn’t have been at.

“have you always looked this beautiful?” “i can’t believe you’re all mine.” “i think i want you to have all of my children.” “shut up heeseung.”

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who wraps his embroidered uniform tie around you so no one even thinks of approaching you when he isn’t around.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who falls asleep with you in class so both of you get in trouble and he can sneak a couple kisses in detention.

“it’s just us angel, the teacher left a while ago.” heeseung tightens his hold around your waist, keeping you on his lap while he leans in with a cocky smirk.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who shows up at your house in the middle of the night with bloodied knuckles and a torn lip. he jokes about how it reminds him of the day you punched him, to which you scold him.

SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HEESEUNG who knows he’s a pain in the ass but he would do anything for you.

© 2024 uolarie

[sharkylass]

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

(It's not belated what are you talking about-) With the spooky day I bring...

---------------------------------------

--------------------------------------- There's A LOT OF ART under the cut, however it's A LOT OF SPOILERS.

ESPECIALLY FOR THE ACT 6 ENCOUNTER/TWO HATS, EVERYTHING IN THIS POST IS DEPENDANT ON THE FACT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT ENCOUNTER.

(The dandelions are frozen in time) (...) (You envy them, but you think that's sacrilege, so you move on.)

The gif takes forever to load, please bare with me-

ALRIGHT, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO ROBORO.

Roboro (it/they/he) is cold and calculative. It spent so long trying to get out of the loops, that a lot of their tact and bubbliness gave way to their cynicism and bluntness.

They exhibit more of their younger traits. Extreme smarts and avoidance. However, they still carries themselves tall, and aren't afraid to speak their mind. Most of the time, they simply choose not to.

The decision to make him cold and distant, rather then manic and erratic, actually came from Loop themselves. Loop is very actively trying to be the opposite of Siffrin. They act chatty and cruel because that's how far they've been driven, that's how they choose to hide themselves now.

Roboro is the same, in the sense that it's supposed to appear the very opposite of Isabeau.

"Why is it a Dandelion?"

From what I've seen, most people lean on the space idea for the guides, and I find that super neat-

But as an exercise (before this AU was even an IDEA in my mind-) I tried to design Mira, Odile and Isa as guides.

I tried the space theme, and felt really limited with it.

So instead I decided to design them based of ways to wish

Mira was a fire (candle)

Odile was a coin (throwing a coin in a fountain/well)

And Isabeau WAS in fact a dandelion (blowing on a dandelion)

And I guess that idea just stuck around in my brain until I got to making this au.

Their Dynamic With Isa

The two's dynamic isn't too dissimilar to Sif and Loop. Isa still tries to be his loud positive headstrong self, and Roboro sees past the bullshit, and grinds Isa's gears

(Fun fact for that second one: Roboro knew Isa wanted to be called "good boy" cause it probably would have wanted to hear it too-) As time goes on, the two learn to get along if only a little. Isa starts to appreciate the bluntness of Roboro, together with the helpful tips. Roboro meanwhile, seeing Isa's descent starts to feel a spark of empathy for the guy (which sucks for ACT 5 whoops.)

Silver Coin Equivalent

The equivalent is called "Lucky Pencil". Isa is a pretty superstitious guy, despite knowing better logically. So I thought he'd totally be the type to carry around a lucky charm of sorts!

(You recall.) (Before you lost yourself to time, you tried to become a defender.) (You got so tired of being the lone kid, the one people would not see, or think about.) (You were smart, but you were invisible.) (Sure, you were quiet, but you had good grades! You were getting by!) (Even your own family didn't think much of your solitude.) (And yet, you were so scared to open your mouth, to even answer questions you knew the answers to-) (It was hard. Suffocating even.) (When teachers started giving you good grades without you even having to try-) (Something had to change. You had to change.) (And you did! You became stronger, resilient, reliable. Became the very antithesis of what you used to be.) (Left everything you were behind.) (But it was worth it! You could finally!!! Talk!!! You could bring smiles to people's faces! They'd smile when you entered a room! And each time you felt pride. Pride in who you were.) (You tried talking with your family more, being more open, loud-) (They still didn't see you.) (Smart kids turned away, uble to face you, see their fears embodied. Fears that if they wanted to belong, they had to leave their brains for brawn.) (It was better. You were happier. But you still didn't belong, either.) (In hallways filled with people, you were still just there.) (…) (You tried really hard for you Defender exam. You exercised to near faints. Only really ate and slept cause you knew it would make you stronger.) (Buried your nose in reading and studying to avoid thoughts of doubt. And when they'd reach you anyways, you'd go for a run.) (You know it wasn't the best for you. You're supposed to be stupid, not unwise. "Just until I pass" you told yourself.) (… You were exhausted on your exam day. As your nerves heightened, so did your "coping". You were ready!!! You just, needed a little help.) (So you opened your drawer, filled with old papers and textbooks and notes. You don't like looking in there too much, but you took what you needed.) (A beaten up pencil. Your little lucky charm!!! Sure, you always knew the answers, but it was easier if you believed this pencil was helping you, guiding you.) (It was silly to think it would help, but you weren't taking chances.) (…) (Even after all that time, you couldn't leave that part of yourself behind.) (You still can't.) (You're the only one that can't.)

ACT 6 FIGHT

The ACT 6 encounter would... go about as well as you'd expect. Not only did a version of you win- it's the version of you that pretends to be a meat head, the one that's preoccupied with being nice rather then thinking ahead. How did he get to win when you, you who's changed, you who's given everything you had, everything you wanted to simply get out?

Why does he get to win? Why does this loud mouth, emotional, explosive guy get to win? He's learned nothing!---

I have more stuff to draw for this encounter, including the "I'm sorry/ thank you" pictures. I leave this one off with the knowledge that Isa used to tug on his hair as a stress stim. Guess is stuck around huh.

______________________

Post Loops Roboro

Roboro, once again, Changes! This time to resemble a yellow dandelion, rather then a white one. The family is long gone by the time Roboro wakes up again, and first thing's first- It has to find clothes. It doesn't like the weird looks people give him.

So, he goes to the House, braves the looks and gasps and confusion. It's trauma be damned, it's gonna talk to that Head Housemaiden finally.

He meets up with Euphrasie, and she quickly catches on what must be going on.

She's readily willing to give Roboro one of her old dresses-

Problem being- 1. They are too big on it (he may be Tall, but not EUPHIE level tall-) and 2. It wouldn't be the most comfortable wearing a dress around.

So, they figure they should make some adjustments. Euphrasie is willing to make the adjustments, it would only take her a day or two.

However, Roboro kind of... wants to try to do it themselves. There's no rush, it has nowhere to be. Maybe... maybe learning to re-engage with an old hobby could be good for it...?

Euphie excitedly lets it stay at the House, figure out what it wants to do- to take it's time changing!

Obviously, Roboro has trauma from the House. The walls, the cramped space- it terrifies them. But they also don't want to stay at anyone's home in Dormont, the awkwardness would kill him, if feeling like a nuisance doesn't do it first.

So. Roboro stays at the rooftop.

Roboro does some sewing on a new outfit, at the top of the House. At the very end of everything.

It's a bittersweet reminder that it's over, so it's as good as it could get while staying at Dormont.

I have a whole comic about this in particular, but this is already a massive infodump so I'm gonna stop it there for now-

Roboro travels around a while. It and Isa agreed to meet up eventually, but there was no rush to it.

He went around a while, re-familiarized itself with life, with people, with hobbies, with existing-

Probably made some friendships along the way. Those are probably the people who pushed it into reconnecting with the family.

I'm not gonna go into detail about everyone's dynamics and stuff, this is too long, and I'm still writing that stuff anyway.

I can however leave you with this:

(I might change how Post Loops Isa looks in the future, I haven't quite figured it out yet)

______________________

PHEW

THAT WAS A LOT

IT'S NOT EVEN EVERYTHING I HAVE, I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF AUGH,,,

Anyways, I just wanted to thank you all for the support on the first post, I didn't expect it at ALL Just know I appreciate it :]

[soupysundae]

🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍

[clovelie]

i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting i'll be waiting

[psychology-department]

i'm starting to feel less and less safe in this site as a fictionkin, so i just wanted to call out (factkin dni please):

INTERACT WITH THIS POST IF YOU'RE FICTIONKIN

INTERACT IF YOU RESPECT ALL KINTYPES REGARDLESS OF MEDIA

[free--therapy]

thank you for answering! all your advice helps me so much. I'm honestly really grateful especially because even i feel like I bother you too much and yet, you're always helping me. it's like finding a friend I can share anything with since there's no one else. it really really means a lot 💗

i thought some more about the rationalising part and i realised certain things. while I agree that certain times, it leads to more worries or thoughts and feels like a loop.

but it's definitely not a compulsion. i can see that i was just overthinking because I'm triggered about OCD right now. so i was just connecting random dots. i mean, my thought process went "if compulsion is something that a person does out of an attempt to relieve anxiety, then isn't rationalising the same?" or something like that.

but i now realise that there's a lot of differences too. rationalising does tire me out sometimes especially when I have to remind myself again and again throughout the day about something but i also know that it's because the worry thought pops up so many times that i rationalise or remind myself of facts again and again.

yes it may be to relieve the anxiety thought but it's not a negative habit to be broken. like you said, finding a balance is important and right now, i can see that while I've been rationalising a lot the apst three days since Tuesday but that's because I've been getting a lot of anxiety what ifs so the rationalising is needed!

of course, i would love to reach a point where these same specific worries won't trigger me and i would be able to not let them affect me just like i was this past one year. but i realise that right now, my anxiety is a bit higher so it's natural to have some worries randomly pop up and affect me even if they didn't affect me for a long time. I've been overthinking these days especially the last three-four days with what ifs popping up and it's natural to want to rationalise those. it's not a compulsion even if it seems that way "by definition"

i was thinking "isn't the fact that you indulge in those worries to begin with that's a problem. so not rationalising and moving on without paying it any attention would be better" so i started wondering if rationalising repeatedly was what was keeping me in a loop.

but then i realised that if i didn't rationalise at all then the thought would never get off my mind. so i do realise that it is needed and in any way, it has helped me a lot. Especially since I know when I've had enough of a thought. Plus I've noticed that when I had these exact thoughts two years ago or even a year ago around this time, it would take me a lot longer to get a clear view but this time now, i can get a clear idea and rationalise a worry thought sooner and I get over most worries within a day or two. which is a huge achievement for me!

it's just that i had been comparing how in this past one year when I had university classes, i could get clarity over these thoughts and not get bothered by them at all, no matter what thought i had. then why am I suddenly getting bothered again? does that mean that rationalising is what is actually keeping the loop going? or what is this?

but i just realised that having so much free time and staying home all the time with nothing to do does lead to overthinking and it's just that instead of daydreaming like i used to or staying busy, now in my free time, with nothing else to think about, my thoughts end up going back to these worries since they're a "bad memory" of sorts.

so i understand that's why it makes me overthink or worry even if it didn't throughout the year. and that is why I feel the need to rationalise now even though i didn't need it throughout the year.

I hope I can reach a point where these worries and all other thoughts related to these won't bother me at all and i won't need to rationalise them just because they make me feel anxious or overthink. and i hope it will be that way even when I'm home with nothing to do.

how i see it is- when I go out, i can see how "trivial" these worries really are so they don't bother me. at home, after a while, it starts ruminating and tbh, rationalising or even just reminding myself so many times again and again that "these thoughts are not true" or "why they are not true, etc " made me feel like i was repeating the same thing again and again which made me think I'm just doing it compulsively everytime any worry thought popped up.

and i remembered any and all random things i had read about compulsions and joined some random non existent dots to think maybe me wanting to rationalising everytime was a compulsion? but i think I get it better now.

so while i would love to not reach a point where i wouldn't have to rationalise at all since that definitely sounds better. as in not getting triggered by the thought at all or getting so less bothered that i won't even need to rationalise would be nice. but just because I need to do it right now doesn't mean it's a bad thing and most definitely not a compulsion. that's what I think.

is it okay to believe in that?

these past three-four days, when a worry thought about a certain topic pops up, i remind myself of all the reason why it's not true. i combat it by remembering all the points that I know are more sensible. and i keep adding as many facts as I can each time that thought pops up. i keep reminding myself of it until I reach a point with that thought where i can simply tell myself "you know all reasons why this isn't true, so leave it. no point bothering" it's just sometimes i have to remind myself of it so many times within a span of a day that it feels tiresome but i still do it.

is that a healthy way to do it?

though after that, usually a random other worry from the past pops up and I have to repeat the cycle 😭 that is why I end up thinking it would be great to not have to bother with any of these thoughts at all. which makes me think, if i wanna reach a point where no thoughts old or new bother me at all, then does that mean, rationalising is what is keeping the cycle going? is it a bad thing actually? so is it a compulsion? that's how the thought process goes.

but hopefully, I'll convince myself that this thought about me worry if it's a compulsion is just about worry thought too and not the truth. till then I'll keep rationalising til i can believe it. is that a healthy way to respond?

No problem, Anon! It's what I'm here to do.

You will definitely reach that point where the worries won't bother you. You have to keep on doing what you're already doing until your mind finally believes it. It takes time, patience, and practice to get to this point, but you're doing better thank you think! Plus, you're able to catch yourself doing these things, so the awareness is there. Keep going

so while i would love to not reach a point where i wouldn't have to rationalise at all since that definitely sounds better. as in not getting triggered by the thought at all or getting so less bothered that i won't even need to rationalise would be nice. but just because I need to do it right now doesn't mean it's a bad thing and most definitely not a compulsion. that's what I think. Is it okay to believe in that?

I don't know if it would be helpful to get rid of rationalizing, but I think what you're trying to say is that whenever a worry comes up for you, you'd like it so that a simple challenge/rationalization to your worry would be enough to not let the repetitive thoughts or worries take over your life. Rationalizing and reasoning are still great tools to have.

Yes, the way that you're handling these thoughts that come up is healthy! I know it may not seem like it because you're finding that they keep coming up, but it's because your brain has been programmed for so long to keep worrying, that when it's told to not do it, it still isn't at a point where it feels like it's safe to not do it… so you'll have to keep reminding yourself that everything is good and that you are safe for a period of time until your brain finally believes it. Hopefully that makes sense lol

[toxintouch]

crazy idea… what ab ais and vere with someone whos kinda obsessed with monsters?? like they study them for a living. idk where you would go with this but i just thought it would be interesting!!

it was indeed very interesting, anon, tysm for sharing!! ["You" pronouns used! to make it easier for me to use the plural "they"]

MONSTER 101:

✦ They both start out assuming that your interest is more suggestive in nature. That your insistence on "studying” Monsters is a smoke screen for your true desire to "consort" with them.  So they are both waiting for you to ask something–shall we say?–uncouth.  In fact, they have a little bet going…  

Realizing that you are just legitimately interested…

They are both intrigued, though it comes in different flavors.

✦ For Vere, it is somewhat begrudging.  He appreciates your ability to look past rules and accepted conventions.  (There’s Monsters aplenty in Eridia but few humans are trying to understand Monsters, and of those near none are willing to be open about it due to fears of social ostracization.  And even then, there’s usually some other motive at play…)  Vere's unhappy to find he has a slightly high opinion of you.  He really didn't mean to.

✦ He hates that a lot of his seduction techniques and attempts to catch you off guard or otherwise make you react are ineffective because you will just intellectualize them.

✦ Any time Vere mentions you studying monsters he says the word heavy with implication. “Studying.  Is that what they're calling it, nowadays?" Including after he’s realized it isn’t like that; he’ll still imply it whenever he gets the chance.

✦ (The bet is still on, by the way.  The fact that they’ll have to lead you into asking something questionable to win is just added spice.)

✦ And Vere is impatient to win.  Plus, he’s curious to see what makes you tick.  What button does he have to press…?

✦ He starts offering increasingly more and more inappropriate things.  (In the vein of tail tugging, etc.)  All to toy with you further your academic achievements, of course.

✦ Until he finally asks if you'd like to see him hunt.  

✦ And that sends a thrill of a shiver down your spine–you can’t sort out if it’s due to fear or excitement.

✦ He sees your reaction and oh, isn’t that just delicious?

✦ Your instincts react before you fully understand why, gooseflesh covering your skin, the prickly feeling of your muscles flexing minutely making your hair follicles rise.  You’re confused for a moment, your mind trying to make sense of the sudden surge of adrenaline–you’ve been so focused on Vere’s silky words that you didn’t even realize he’s gotten so close, that he’s starting to circle you, his eyes focused, pupils contracted.

He hums, inspecting you, turning your face this way and that, his neat claws skimming against you making you quiver.  This close, you can see his pupils expand slightly, the way his jaw trembles just the slightest amount after he takes in a luxurious whiff of your scent.

Like he’s hungry,

   like he’s starving

“Perhaps someone should study you for a change.”

✦  You’re breathless.  Your mind scrambles for a moment before picking back up.  What was that feeling, just now? You’ve read about this before, but–to experience it first hand–(and live)!  You gush at Vere about how the experience was both everything and nothing like your studies have described.

✦  Of course, hearing Vere’s age is amazing to you–he’s such a unique source of information, he’s seen so much, he’s so old!  But then, getting that information out of him is difficult on the best of days.  And the information you do receive is difficult to sort through.  Vere’s not exactly the most reliable narrator; you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what’s true and what’s an embellishment or elaborate joke.

✦ The idea that this is a job for you means that somebody must be paying you for this information. "You do plan on sharing the wealth, don't you? Dangerous things happen to those who don't keep their sources well fed."

✦ Ais admires your willingness to explore information, think things through for yourself and form your own opinions.  After dealing with Mhin hating him for “no reason”, it’s a breath of fresh air.

✦  Ais’ personality tends to be a lot more straightforward…  

✦  But when the information you’re curious about isn’t something he wants to disclose, he’s not above being unbearably vague.

✦  You ask Ais’ age, since Vere was willing to disclose his (kind of–you know he’s been around since Eridia was "a miserable little smear") but Ais keeps leading you in circles. 

✦  “Cumulatively?  Might take me a while to count that high.  Lot of group inside this mind.”

✦  He’s not above teasing you either.  “More questions?  If you’re not careful, I’ll start to overthink your interest.”

✦  He does wonder what you're hoping to achieve with this knowledge. What's your goal? Do you even know? "Be careful with that curiosity of yours. Some might find it...impolite."

✦  He realizes that he tells you to be careful... a lot. And he tells himself that he's not responsible for your safety, but...

✦  Will challenge you to earn your answers from him. He's not interested in money, but he can't just be handing things out for free to you all of the time. So: "What's it worth to you?" Is there anything you think you can beat him at? Or maybe you know something he'd trade for. A new language? A secret?

✦  If there's any kind of mutual attraction…  He’s actually kind of frustrated when/if none of your questions appear like they are going to turn in that direction.  He’s not looking for a commitment, but he hates the feeling of ambiguity between you two.  Makes him restless. If you give him any type of indication, though, or if your questions ever do stray away from the academic, he’s asking you if you wanna literally fuck around and find out.  He hates a will-they-won’t-they, he finds it tedious and annoying.  Unless…it comes with a competitive edge.  If it’s a war of attrition, a challenge of 'who will break first'…? That’s a game he’ll consider playing.  For the right reward. Hope you’re willing to deal with the consequences, though.

✦  He thinks it’s funny how you have so many questions.  Avoiding answering them is even more amusing, though. 

✦  Is he nocturnal?  ("Who said I sleep?") What are the interpersonal dynamics like between Monsters? Can he confirm the existence of nonverbal communication cues (scent, atmospheric changes, etc.)?  (“Yes.”) Will he tell you what they are? (“No.”)

✦  He avoids having you at the Sea Spring, though he never outright tells you that you aren't allowed there. And he's not very forthcoming about the topic. He's openly disinterested, in fact. If you don't take the hint, he'll tell you he's told you everything there is to say. Take the hint, alright?

✦  Your curiosity about Monsters extends to his Soulless too, doesn't it?  If it didn’t, it’s about to.

✦ He takes you out in the wastes one day so that you can meet Princess and the others. Just on the outskirts, where no one will bother the two of you. He has to show Princess off. "I wanna show you her tricks."

✦ Petting Princess is...interesting. It's amazing to be able to get this close to a live Soulless without fearing for your life. The texture of her is unlike any other creature. She's sleek, leathery. Your brain fights the proximity at first. It's hard to divorce yourself from the idea of danger but you push past it to pet her. (You hear Ais make a little hum at that - surprise, approval. You can't tear your eyes away from the Soulless in front of you long enough to check his expression. There's the ghost of a smile on his face when you finally manage.)

✦  And the fact that she purrs... He hears you talking to yourself about how that's absolutely fascinating, the implications, do the Soulless communicate (unprecedented information!) or is this something specific to the Sea Spring? Wait, even if it is Sea Spring specific, why does she have the anatomy to make a purring vocalization? It's not like the Sea Spring changed her physically...? Although... maybe it did...?

✦  Ais can admit that your scholarly tangents are endearing. You could have chosen a safer interest/profession, though. One less likely to get you into trouble. But you've survived this far. Maybe he should give you more credit.

✦  Needless to say: being around them both at the same time...they're more than just a handful. (Don't say that to Vere. The handjob joke makes itself.) They are terrifying as a team, constantly bouncing off each other trying to mess with you.

✦  And about that bet...they suppose they could share the win. If that's what it takes.

[lxmelle]

Sukuna’s Choice.

I was truly struck by his stubborn resolve. He really stuck to his guns.

He was adamant he did not and could not live another way - as if anything different than what he had achieved would make him “weak”… maybe he did not know how to, or he had just decided so.

We see that he hated the idea that he was given compassion by Yuji - seeing it as pity from him.

Yuji saw him for what he was - as someone who had opportunity after opportunity to find deeper meaning but cast it away; as someone, who was desperate enough to turn himself into objects - for no other purpose than to prolong a hedonistic existence that sought momentary self-satisfaction for himself, alone.

He saw him as a curse to be given a chance… that maybe nobody ever had before - a chance without any conditions aside from being willing to accept his offer.

And it was pity in the end for Sukuna for rejecting salvation and anything to do with humanity. Even when he was shown so much. Given chances to experience it through the eyes of both Megumi and Yuji.

At the point of death, when given the choice to live with Yuji after his defeat, he preferred to die.

This was aligned with his unchanged view that: loss was no different to death. This was in his conversation with Yorozu.

His resilience only went as far as jujutsu. If he wasn’t the strongest, there was no reason for his life or existence. He boxed himself in. As if fearing what he might discover about his worth & identity beyond the Title.

Some people on X expressed their desire to understand him, asking aloud, was he afraid of death?

I honestly don’t know. My instincts doubt it was fear, but maybe there was a subconscious fear of vulnerability that comes with connection, so I think he didn’t see the value in loving or being loved. As if he accepted that he was just alone in this dog-eat-dog world. Disregarded value in connecting with anyone in any other way aside from jujutsu.

Like those who accepted the “monster” in them, none of them thought anyone will care about their bodies after death (think: Geto who didn’t think his family could care “run away if the mission fails”, Gojo who said who cares about one’s corpse, yet said “I want to mourn Suguru’s body”, Toji who wilfully forgets his children but tells Gojo about Megumi in his dying breath: “do what you want” and kill’s himself when his body information is resurrected, and Yuta who didn’t want Gojo to alone be the monster and volunteers himself: “I’ll do it!” singularly ignoring his friends’ concern for him) — Sukuna didn’t think anyone would mourn him. He left no afterthought for Uraume. Who killed themselves after he died. He didn’t want to care. He was prepared to let Yorozu have all of him if he lost which he equated to death.

Because if you consider (and accept) yourself as important to others, you realise your worth and value too. You may want to live again. Recreate purpose. Find new meaning. New beginnings. Like Megumi did...

Sukuna did not (could not?) even want to entertain the idea of living another way. He’d rather die than open his heart to humanity or compassion.

Funnily enough he was strangely “kind” in his own way. He was so objective in his monstrosity that he saw no nuance. He praised others based on jujutsu alone and how they entertained him. He had the capacity to be “human” but complete rejected it. Rejected any outer purpose...

He did not want to have any reason to live if it wasn’t to prove his strength. He did not want to compromise his own version of personal integrity. Instead of enjoying the taste and texture of human life through emotions and relationships - he ate people and enjoyed that! The absolute monster he chose to become in wielding his strength.

We saw Gege write about so many others, not only limited to the main characters… others like Kamo, Maki, Kusakabe, Higuruma, Choso, Yuta, etc. about meaning, purpose, humanity, sacrifice, & love. How they all tie together. How we change as we let others touch our hearts. How being vulnerable truly connects us.

I’ve written before about how it wasn’t for Gojo to teach Sukuna about love, although he played a big part in what was overall conveyed to him… Love that existed between everyone who identified as human, who fought for their own and collective reasons, against Sukuna. We got to bear witness - see and experience - the myriad of thoughts, emotions and reasons behind so many of their unique stories... it sang about meaning and purpose in sacrifice as well as determination.

What an ode to humanity in the face of a desperate situation.

Because if we think about it, the opposite of antidote of Monstrosity is Humanity. Being willing to love another besides yourself = accepting/wanting belonging, embracing the responsibility of being accountable to someone out of/for their love… all these include a willingness to be vulnerable.

Something Sukuna would never accept.

Sukuna was afraid to be vulnerable. If it wasn’t fear, then he actively rejected it. I suspect it was because he saw it as being weak.

Maybe he never knew love; but through what he lived & learned back in the Heian times up until now, saw its power to transform even a monster who aspired to be like him, so he deemed it worthless. Him and Uraume talked about humanity being the thing that prevented them from reaching their potential, after all.

Why should he change if he was already so strong? What was the purpose of connecting to any other being when he was at the top of the food chain? There was no need to give himself a “weakness” through caring for another.

His survival was the singular proof of his perceived worth.

And that seems like what he clung onto. Instead, he ate the actual humans as if they were flavours, because that was the ultimate rejection of humanity - to consume people as if they were food. To toy with them as if they were passing dishes until the next meal came along.

That’s just my interpretation... My understanding is that he chose death rather than accept the vulnerability that comes with love. Not for Uraume or from Yuji. His heart was solidly, fearfully, shut.

He only recognised skill & praised others for it. His chosen singular flavour.

Many of us thought there could be redemption for Sukuna. I guess it remains to be seen if Sukuna did actually choose to evaporate & die, but assuming he did opt to die, he really didn’t want to face another alternative. Choosing to remain on his path and die as the “Strongest”. I had thought that he’d see humanity from living within Yuji & Megumi - and he did, especially within Yuji’s domain expansion. He saw it and rejected it completely. What he disliked about Yuji & said to him at the end reminds me of what Jung said: we can learn about ourselves through what irritates us.

He praised Yuji for being a fool... but maybe Sukuna was the fool himself.

He played a role all the way through too.

He was the unwavering curse in the face of love / acceptance.

Jujutsu Kaisen is truly story about curses and love. Like two halves of one thing. The many ways a person can live their lives, and how it can make sense/is justifiable to them.

Who was he if he wasn’t revered or feared as the Strongest?

So… He stayed true to himself. He likened himself to a curse in the end. Love, once again, prevails.

Ah, I look forward to having a few reads of the whole series again when it is finished...

…but I’ll honestly be so very sad when it ends.

[blueish-bird]

Chainsaw Man is about self-destruction. It’s about self-destruction as a means of reclaiming your autonomy in an environment where you are consistently denied it. Chainsaw Man is about denial of autonomy. Chainsaw Man is about how, when you are in an environment where you are denied your own autonomy, you learn to view interpersonal relationships as interactions you have no control over unless you find a means of controlling the other members of that relationship — whether that be through methods of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Chainsaw Man is about how denial of autonomy is framed as love. Chainsaw Man is about how love that denies autonomy is violence.