#remembers trauma: situational
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woohoo! we got a bingo! :~) elaboration for all the "?"s in tags
We love filling out DID FAKER bingo cards it's so fun sjsksjjsjsjs
(some of the stuff is genuinely ableist-)
#📜 | exchanging notes#syscourse#minor: we figured it out when we were 15-ish#“alter” shows up and a new place in the IW does too: situational#remembers trauma: situational#barely any amnesia/doesn't switch: frontstuck host. no blackouts but we can switch#mixed origin system: if we go by alters yeah but all around no#knows who's fronting: we guess#has partner system(s): used to#makes content about DID or OSDD: does this count?
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What would a mother not do for her child What lengths would a mother not go There's a bond that exists between mother and child With no end to how strong it can grow It's a promise for life between mother and child It begins from the moment of birth.
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She is six years old, and standing on the porch at her Auntie Alicia’s cabin. She is six years old, and holding an old rifle in her hands, standing at the railing and pointing the nozzle at a large target a couple feet away. There’s a pair of old ear muffs covering her ears. Behind her is her daddy and her sister, and Auntie Alicia. She can’t see them.
Danielle Martha Fenton is six years old, and her momma has her arms wrapped warmly around her, keeping the gun steady for her. It’s heavy and the butt digs into her shoulder uncomfortably, and she feels nothing but determined. And nervous.
Her momma was teaching her and Jazzy how to shoot, and they’re down in Arkansas to visit Auntie Alicia for her second “Divorce-iversary” as Auntie calls it. She keeps a hunting rifle in her gun safe for the rabbits that like to nibble on her garden. She mostly grows rhubarb, which goes untouched. But her carrots and greens and other veggies like to be tempting snacks for the game.
Regardless, she is six years old and learning how to shoot. Her momma and her daddy (mostly her daddy) have been banned from every shooting range outside of Amity Park in a hundred mile radius. So Auntie is the best place to learn, or so momma says.
Danny thinks it's just an excuse to see her sister, not that she's complaining. She loves visiting Auntie.
She’s already seen Jazzy do this, her momma told her before the muffs went on to shoot when ready. No use trying to fire when you’re not; you can’t afford to miss when shooting ghosts.
Danny breathes out steady, just like momma taught her, and quells her trembling little fingers. She focuses down the barrel, and pulls the trigger.
Immediately, the recoil throws her off, the side of the gun that her cheek was resting on knocks against her skin, harsh enough to bruise if it weren’t for her momma’s steady hands holding onto her. The bang of the gun startles her more than she thought it would, and her heart leaps up and runs a jackrabbit through her chest.
The gun is carefully slipped out of her hands, and Danny lets it go easily, her cheek smarting in pain and her eyes wide and following up to momma. Momma turns the safety on, and with a gentle hand, pushes against her chest. Danny takes a few steps back, and slips the ear muffs off her head.
Mommy is smiling big at her, something that Danny can’t help but replicate on her own face as her heart swells. “Did I get it, momma?” She asks, watching as she passes the gun off to Auntie Alicia, who steps over to take it.
“I’m going to go see, sweetie, but I think you did.” Momma coos, before planting both her hands on the porch railing and, in a single leap, vaults over the side and onto the grass. She’s dressed all comfortable for the summer heat, with her hair all tied back and in shorts and a tank top and nice boots. Danny’s ribs swell hopefully, and she stands on her tiptoes to watch her walk over.
“I’ll be hard-pressed to believe if you didn’t, Martha Mae,” Auntie tells her, grinning like a cat, “that was a damn good shot.”
‘Martha Mae Knight’ was Danny’s granny’s name. Auntie Alicia calls her that because of her middle name — and because, by her words, she has her momma’s weird-shaped eyebrows and piercing blue eyes. The kind that could scare a hawk into singing like a robin. It was Danny’s favorite nickname ever.
Daddy laughs brightly, the sound painful on her ears but twice as nice, and despite the distance, Momma whirls her head around to shoot Auntie a glare; “Language, Alicia. Not around my girls.” She warns. Her accent always comes through when they’re around Auntie. It’s Danny’s favorite thing to listen to.
“Do you think so, auntie?” Danny says, bright-eyed and ever-optimistic. Auntie Alicia nods fiercely as Momma finally reaches the target and searches for the bullet hole. Daddy then comes up behind her, still laughing, and claps a hand onto her shoulder so hard that it makes her knees hurt.
“Of course she did!” Dad boasts, as bright as the sun and twice as warm. He shakes Danny affectionately, wobbling her on her feet and pulling her straight into his side. She goes so willingly with a burble of giggles. “She’s got the eyes of a Fenton! And our family are darn good shots.”
Auntie eyes him up and down, her smile immediately fading off into a pressed line. “I’m sure you mean she’s got the eyes of a Knight. You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn at twenty paces, Jack Fenton.”
Jazzy holds back giggles from where she’s standing by the door, her ear muffs in hand, and Danny watches her Daddy’s dark eyes immediately narrow. Just like Auntie’s, his smile tapers off into a frown.
Before he can say anything, there’s a cheer from the yard, and they all turn to Momma clapping her hands in delight.
Danny immediately pricks her ears up, and would’ve darn near rushed over to the railing if it weren’t for her Daddy’s hand on her shoulder. She yells instead, excitement thrumming like a hummingbird against her ribs, “Did I hit it, momma?!”
Momma beams at her with all the pride in the world, “You sure did, Danny!” And she turns to press her finger against the target, right on the inside red ring of the battered old bag. “Right here, sweet girl!”
There are cheers from all around, and Danny’s heart bursts inside her lungs with shiny, sunshine glee. She puffs her chest out big, and smiles so wide it hurts the cheek where the gun smacked her. Her Daddy shakes again, squeezing her tight against his side in a hug that Danny happily reciprocates.
“What’d I tell you, Martha Mae?” Auntie tells with a big wink and a wide grin, the gun still gripped tight in her hands as Momma makes her way back over. “You got a Knight’s eye.”
When Momma makes it back over the railing, she hugs Danny tight and praises her shot. Danny looks her in the eyes and chases the feeling, and asks to shoot again.
#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#cw gun#cw gun mention#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpxdc au#dp x dc au#martha knight au#female danny fenton#fem danny fenton#danny is martha wayne au#got a little something something written for this au. the dichotomy of the happy memory and the fact that she's being taught this to shoot#ghosts. the innocence of a child and the reality of the situation :]. as well as danny's steadily disillusion from her parents as she grows#fun fact! this memory is based off one of my own when my dad was teaching us how to shoot so we could (eventually) go hunting with him.#i was around danny's age i think. a little bit younger maybe. so a lot of this stuff -- like Maddie helping her hold it up and them#wearing earmuffs and Danny immediately getting the gun taken away after she shoots and danny herself backing up are all based off#what i could remember. albeit the only difference here is Alicia holding the gun and Jack and Jazz standing behind Danny. in my own memorie#iirc we were all supposed to stand inside when it wasnt our turn. but we also didnt have enough earmuffs for everyone to stand outside.#slaps danny's head like the roof of a car: you can fit SO much trauma in this kid. enjoy her joy while it lasts :]#smth smth the idea that the fenton parents weren't bad at first but instead became a steady decline once they got into building the portal#smth about how danny knows somewhere that they could improve because they were good before. but they aren't and she wonders#who they love more: their daughters. or ghosts? (the answer is their daughters but danny finds this out in a way she doesnt expect)#that beginning song lyric is from “after all” by christine ebersole btw. its danny's theme song for the au.#i thank god every day for being a daycare teacher because the word 'daddy' has been CLEANSED for mEEEEEEEEEEE
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2024 reads / storygraph
What The Woods Took
YA horror
a girl and boy are both kidnapped from their beds and taken to a wilderness program, to hike across the wilderness for 50 days with 3 other traumatised teens
when their two adult counselors are gone one morning, they aren’t sure if leaving them alone was part of the program - or if something more sinister is going on. especially when they start seeing things that cause them to turn on each other…
butch lesbian mc
#what the woods took#courtney gould#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#sapphic books#this is a good YA horror about survival and trauma#some interesting characters and weird and freaky horror situation - though honestly I would have loved a bit more about the mimics.#Though obviously the focus is definitely more on the interpersonal relationships and their own personal journeys with their shit#(csa; foster care; addiction; abuse) which I felt were handled sensitively#it absolutely makes sense that a bunch of scared teens with various traumas would make dumb decisions in the wilderness#but it doesn’t make it less frustrating when they split up AGAIN haha#though I have to say why does it take her 3 weeks to read this diary she found that might have info in it.#bro surely you can skim that in a day or two???#I liked the hate-to-love development of the sapphic relationship#the kinda fucked up nature of the other thing was interesting too.#love the cover too as always#also as I said I would - this is a SMP book and I donated a book cost to a GFM (latest one I reblogged)#it’s f/f and also m/f but the sapphic one is like. the main one#also she's butch in that the word is used once to describe her i think but not like an active regular identity word. if I remember
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In all honesty, they hadn’t been enemies at the beginning, not until Shen Qingqiu had pitted them against each other. Then they became rivals. But it’s an old, old trope and Ming Fan is tired of fighting. Each go-round is the same thing, each life a painfully familiar path, no matter what changes. Sometimes he lives, sometimes he doesn’t—sometimes at Luo Binghe’s hands, sometimes not.
Those times are the worst, because Ming Fan can never forget those large, horrified eyes watching him die.
#svsss#bingfan#luo binghe#ming fan#svsss art#my art#I just really really like a regressing ming fan#he knows the shit that went down and how he died and how the end of the world came at LBH’s hands#so if he changes up his bungling the guanyin jade situation and manage to return it to the little twit it should be cool right?#right??#and each life something else changes but the outcomes are the same#imagine the trauma of remembering your own death and seeing the aftereffects on the ones you love#my ex the king I’m lookin’ at you 👀#butterfly effect my beloved#up for debate if LBH remembers as well
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Help! I’ve fallen for a rarepair from a show that ended 6 years 1 month and 7 days ago!
And by rarepair I mean there is one singular fic about them where they’re not a side ship or in a collection of smut drabbles
#don’t worry Graham and Jefferson I saw the way you never interacted but were in such similar situations caused by the same woman#all it would have taken was for Graham to get some kind of hint that Jefferson knew and he could have gone to him :.(#gotten the help he needed from someone who actually knew what was going on#JEFFERSON WOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT THE VAULT#HE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PUT GRAHAMS HEART BACK#THE COMFORT THEY WOULD GET FROM EACH OTHER#Jefferson having someone who remembers ;~;#Graham having someone who knows he’s not crazy#who could protect him from Regina ;~;#Graham could live with him in his mansion in the woods#with his wolf brother right there#and let’s be real Graham would not have been okay after getting his heart back#like he was literally emotionally numb and being abused for thirty years#everything that happened to him and what he was forced to do would have hit him like a truck the minute it was back in his chest#probably would have had a panic attack immediately#probably the only way he would feel safe is as far from Regina he could get (Jefferson’s mansion in the middle of the woods)#in a locked room and with his wolf brother right there#I just think they could be a really soft friends to lovers okay#ouat#jefferson ouat#graham humbert#huntsman ouat#once upon a time#also I’m not Regina bashing down here I just wish Grahams abuse and trauma was treated better#like there’s no way in hell he would ever forgive her or feel safe around her#he’d probably want her dead#another thing he and Jefferson have in common#but I can imagine him never acting on it and just completely removing himself from the show and living a safe and comfortable cottage-core#life with Jefferson and Grace#and his wolf brother
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*head in hands* oot link is such a tragic character and it makes me so sad
#like everything about him was a lose/lose situation#he had to be a hero at 10 years old#and even tho he got aged up#he was still mentally 10#so of course zelda sent him back in time#he didn’t quite understand what was happening#and having to go your whole life being judged and looked at weird simply because you don’t act your age?#or going through life not aging mentally in a natural way?#I imagine that that would screw everything up#and so yeah going back in time to age naturally was good#but then there’s majoras mask and the whole idea that nobody believes him#I mean. they believed him when he called out ganondorf#but having a 10 year old tell you about the moon falling and giants stopping it and all that#I’m sure a lot of people thought he was crazy when he wasn’t#not to mention he probably was no longer mentally 10 in mm since he not only went through all that trauma#but also was stuck in a time loop#and to top it all off. all the people. all the friends he made#were either gone or don’t remember him#because they never had the relationship he had in the adult timeline#poor oot link :(#and this isn’t to blame zelda at all#I cant imagine how hard it’d be for HER having to send him away#where she’ll never see him again when she def cared about him#just. agh#a lose/lose situation like I said#smiles rambles
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THE EDEN PRIME RUN -> PART 1/?
Ft. Lt. Cmdr. Dominik Oliveira-Shepard, Cpt. David Edward Anderson, and Spectre Nihlus Kryik With: Gun. Chief Ashley Williams and Flight Lt. Jeff "Joker" Moreau MIRA'S AU-VERSE CANONS: ME1 AKA: The one where Dom makes it off Mindoir instead. Part 1/? "Anderson, he knows absolute fuck-all about what happened on Torfan! None of them have a clue! 'Grim business'? 'Brutal'? 'Ruthless'? Like it was something I had control over? Thinking he can just... thinking they can just-" "It doesn't matter! None of it matters! If the Council asks for you by name after all these years? After the shit you pulled? You answer the call." Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#dominik shepard#david anderson#nihlus kryik#ashley williams#jeff joker moreau#mass effect#me#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#mirasauverses#dom!canon#edenprimerun#it’s been awhile since i made gifs of my boy :) well gifs of my boy in dom!verse :) his verse :)#i had so many thoughts about dom while i was writing dialogue for these since i haven’t written dialogue in my gifs in awhile#and i didn’t want to pull straight from dialogue editor since it’s not exactly how he’d react to the situation#and i do tend to write nihlus and anderson a bit differently than base game portrayals but i digress#in this canon? where he is in the alliance? he ends up on torfan. which i have said before :)#but i don’t think the butcher title for him is something he carries very well. i’ve always felt like dom is the much more open twin#he’s a lot more in tune with himself and his emotions. and i think he’s good at carrying himself up to a *point*#i think once the pressure starts building and he’s put in situations where he has to face his trauma head on? he doesn’t do well :)#so torfan being a base filled with batarian slavers? when his entire family was murdered by batarian slavers?#i think he just snaps physically and mentally on torfan. he just loses control completely#in my head he barely remembers anything that happened until after it ends. so the butcher title is *not* something he carries well with him#mostly because he lost the eye on torfan and that is a constant reminder of his worst moment#so honestly i think the entire butcher title for him is just a *constant* reminder of a time when he was not in control of himself#and he has a crippling fear of losing control again since most people just see him as an out of control biotic butcher :)#one of the things that tracks for dom across verses? control issues and a crippling fear of hurting people he loves if he loses control :)#it’s so interesting writing him versus soph in this scenario because they both react so similarly but so *differently*#and unfortunately i fear i have reached my limit on tag ranting so have a nice day as always friend! ❤️
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i have a ~dream question~
#this has been an original post#my pollies#polls#dreams#driving#i realized today that while im obvs not the driver in my dreams im also not specifically on public transit most of the time#im just. a passenger#no concept of other passengers or a driver or even what kind of vehicle it is#my dream logic is very much ''if its not relevant to the situation who cares''#also ''why generate actual human beings when you can just have the vague sense that a place is populated''#idk why im thinking abt this this morning specifically since last nights dreams didnt even involve being in a vehicle#not the ones i remember anyway#i was just thinking abt patterns in my dreams in general#cause my brain does this weird thing where in all my anxiety dreams im living in the apt i lived in through elementary + part of high school#like yes its the place ive spent the most time in but also. i havent lived there in TWELVE YEARS#and i mean i did hate that place but its not like ALL my trauma was experienced there#its just weird#dreams are weird#clouds dreams
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rewatching alien stage after round 7 heres my thoughts on a prsk version:
sua -> haruka mizu -> an till -> akito ivan -> toya luka -> mafyu hyuna -> shiho
#none of you get mafuyu like i do. she could be a cunty bastard trust.#ik an and mafuyu dont really know each other that well in prsk but if they were raised together like that i am CERTAIN it would go down#im not really thinking about the backstories and canon interactions tbh in terms of whats canon to prsk#like yeah an was not motivated by harukas death but i think if haruka DID die (remember she wouldnt know of radder or even ken) she would b#im very adament about haruan mizisua parralels#ivan/toya is the one im most iffy about actually despite it being a very popular opinion#i think its popular bc yall like blueorange. i also like blueorange but theres other stuff to it guys#TO BE FAIR ivan and pre main story toyas attitudes towards till and akito are uncanny#but ivan/till and toya/akitos situations in regards to vivid street vs the stage are entirely reversed#but ig when you think about it their experience in performing directly parrallels akitoyas types of previous music experience#but people choose it bc they like blueorange. it works very well but yall just like blueorange.#someone edit the boys when theyre bored gif as akitoya RIGHT NOW/silly/nf#i dont particularially have a reason for shiho. but it makes a lot of sense to me#we dont know loads about hyunas family iirc so shizuku could still exist and her dad#something something continuing to perform for the love of it after all the trauma is the most shiho thing ever#also im convinced that if shiho couldnt self isolate the way she did then she wouldve ended up as affectionate as hyuna is (particularially#w mizi)#this isnt just bc all in sounds like a leoneed com i promise BUT ''fill up the whole nebula'' ''the galexy shining bright''#ik the whole thing is scifi but chill out babes youre gonna have hatsune miku on your ass with a copyright claim#anyway. ''we only get one life im living mine for me'' is the most shiho thing ever#OMFG the idea of mafuyu/toya/shiho childhood friendship... (<- watching all in while typing)#i'll write up a seperate post about that#ramblings#pjsk posting#alien stage#alnst#prsk#project sekai#pjsk
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Was talking to my partner about BPD and I mentioned that BPD and DID have almost exactly the same symptoms and they were like "What no that's not true" so I looked it up and the first thing I see is a person with DID complaining about the DSM because BPD and DID have almost exactly the same symptoms
#pwbpd 🤝 pwdid#having episodes of acting entirely differently usually able to be categorized into specifc states#having dissociative derealizing or depersonalizing episodess#rapid and extreme changes in personality often based on situation#all of this being atttributable to childhood trauma#afaik the only big difference is memory loss vs impulsiveness#i think i remember a psychiatrist proposing unifying them and just calling them 'dissociative disorder with memory loss' and '#'dissocative disorder with impulsive behaviour' or something#which i support because apparently it's a common experience on both sides of the aisle to have an unclear diagnosis between the two#especially since if you have both memory loss and impulsiveness... i mean fucked if i know what you have. super disorder#i guess to be fair in order to get diagnosed with bpd you don't have to have all the symptoms that would get you a did diagnosis#especially memory loss. i've looked into it and apparently memory loss is one of those things that's associated with bpd just not a criteria#i definitely have some memory loss after especially bad episodes#somebody described them as comorbid and i was like what does that even look like.#how would you distinguish betweenhaving comorbid bpd and did vs having just one#you can have impulsiveness when you switch alters and you can have memory loss when you have an episode#so like#how can you even know if you have both vs just having one#idk i think the next edition of the dsm is probably gonna change em up something fierce#can't wait to be rediagnosed with There's Something Wrong With Your Personality: Crossover Edition#i guess this is why psychiatry is so ehhhh as a field though#everyone is different and there really isn't a hard line between disorders#fucking. i forgot. the fucking community parlance for having an episode is literally almost the sam#with bpd it's 'splitting' with did it's 'switching'#is there... is there any community overlap? like are there communities for both pwbpd and pwdid?#anyway#gonna stop rambling about psychiatry in the tags#incoherent rambling
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it is a truth universally acknowledged that if you raise your child catholic they will turn out fucked up and strange. there are many ways in which this end can be achieved but rest assured no matter what path your child follows in life they'll always be weird about god
#ur kid can be a tortured poet (like me) or an overly eager kid who announces that they have religious trauma to the class (a classmate)#heard that guy go 'haha yeah i went to catholic school so i have that trauma' in an awkward little way to the entire class#and i thought 'my guy. don't say it like that...' (cringed)#but you know what. then i remembered that i also turned out fucking weird. i just hide it slightly better in public situations#and i definitely also talked about having beef with god in my small group discussion that day dfjgshd#bracken getting a little wild in the eyes talking about how it was never adam and eve's fault because they only learned right + wrong#from the apple. and how could they have known what was right or wrong before that. to people he met a week ago#so you know what. solidarity with me and that guy. catholic-raised kids who turned out as fucking weirdos#valentine notes#catholic tag
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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finally processing that we're probably gonna have to have these teeth removed with either sedation or general anaesthetic and unfortunately I have a phobia of both of these to the point where just thinking about it gives us panic attacks and I genuinely don't know what to do because I absolutely want to avoid this at all costs but we also might not have any other option
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#there is no amount of comfort or reassurance that can make me feel okay being sedated#like it's not even that I'm scared of side effects or risks or anything#I just can't even begin to express how much I absolutely do not want someone giving me a drug that's going to make me drowsy and incoherent#and also not remember anything afterwards#the premise of a stranger giving me a drug that's going to fuck up my ability to process anything or remember any of what happened#feels so incredibly violating and awful#like yes it's a medical context. yes I know it's so they can do the treatment. yes I know I'm supposed to trust them or whatever#but our brain doesn't process it like that. it's a stranger drugging you. that's terrifying regardless of the context#and given how much medical trauma we have and how awful some medical professionals have been to us#it happening in a medical context actually makes me feel worse#once again I'm not even necessarily scared of anything bad happening#even if you could absolutely guarantee that nothing bad would happen I would not be okay with it in the slightest#it's specifically the idea of my consciousness not being under my control#I take co-codamol for pain and that can make me drowsy and incoherent and fuck up my memory#but that's me choosing when to take it and how much to take and being able to stay away from people if I feel like I need to#and being able to make notes about what I've done and stuff like that#and there's a huge difference between that and being in a clinic having a procedure where you can't just get up and leave#and someone else is administering the meds and choosing the dosage and you're not the one in control of this situation#this makes me sound like a control freak and yeah I probably am#but that's kind of what haappens when you've had your bodily autonomy violated so many times by so many people
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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"saw the first line. i think im going to be sick"
MOOOOOOD
the way i was also confused af bc i have literally any sanders sides tag i can think of filtered and it still showed up on my dash
..... i should probably tag the post for anyone else who also doesnt wanna see that actually oops
aNYWAY hope you have a good day/night 💜
It's been actual years since I'd seen anything so casually within the Sanders Sides fandom it was genuinely a jumpscare 💀💀
Like! I don't MIND SSides I'm just out of the fandom and never really see anything for it anymore so it was SO jarring
#serry talks#i remember getting so heated in my head about how Thomas should have just talked with his friends about the whole situation#i had zero doubt that they would have taken up serious issue with it#anyways.... love to see a fellow trauma survivor LMAO#<333
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knowing what happened 5 minute after from this scene just hurts...
you know what will hurt more?
the next episode.... my poor boy....
#spoiler alert!#tw spoilers#dont read hashtags#unless you want spoilers#my poor baby aku#will be sliced#my heart is not ready#and because it is bsd#i still cant say aku is not dead#we are just hoping for the best#but remember oda guys....#oda is my trauma#when he was navigating his story in season 2#i was sure that he couldnt be dead#...oh well#i hope manga can go faster#and we can learn the situation with the vampires#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#bsd spoilers#bsd season 5#ranpo edogawa#atsushi nakajima#akutagawa ryuunosuke#fukuchi the bastard#i really hate him#i dont care about his last name#i dont wanna know#hashtags are feeling like insert thoughts
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