#not to mention he probably was no longer mentally 10 in mm since he not only went through all that trauma

[smilesrobotlover]

*head in hands* oot link is such a tragic character and it makes me so sad

[hslotharrie]

To My Best Friend

summary: reader faces quarantine at Harry’s and, turns out, it was exactly what they needed to come clean. also, Anne is the superior Mum.

word count: 2.3k

warnings: completely fluff. with marriage + mentions of family? not edited... when do I ever edit

based off of this ask<3

When you wake, the sun is shining through a slightly opened window in the far left corner of your bedroom. You can hear birds chirping amongst themselves from outside, cars driving far in the distance, it's quiet at Harry's home. Peaceful.

It's been a little more than four months since you and Harry decided to bubble at the beginning of quarantine. What you expected to be a few weeks turned into a lot more, but there were no complaints. Harry has the space, is the type to crave company, and you're his best friend.

Best friend.

You roll in the soft sheets, hugging the covers for a few minutes until you inevitably force yourself to get up for the day. You're not sure what sort of expensive luxury bed set this is, but god, they are comfy. You make a mental note to ask him later.

You zone out again on the soft sounds of the birds and the pleasant cool breeze flowing in through the window. You pull your phone from the bedside table to check the time, 10:56– and the weather, sunny and 78. You consider getting in the pool later.

Harry's phone rings somewhere outside of your room, followed by some muffled mumbling from the man himself signalling that he's awake too. You wonder if he's ate yet; he's a sucker for your omelettes and you're craving one about now.

You climb out of bed,  going to the bathroom to tame your hair and brush your teeth, before heading to the kitchen to put together ingredients for the omelettes.

It's about 10 minutes before Harry appears in the kitchen, provoked by the smell. He places a hand on your lower back as a silent 'good morning!' while he stands to your side to admire your cooking. You try your best to ignore the warm feeling that his touch brings; the feeling that makes you wish for more than just a touch.

It makes you nervous, how quickly his presence has you feeling butterflies or how fast he can make you smile when you're in the darkest of moods. You've been sitting on the feelings for years, they were always there, hiding in the back of your head. The feelings that made you wish you'd shared that drink with him just for the second-hand contact to his lips.

Those are the thoughts that make you nervous. You try not to think about them when he's standing right next to you watching your every move with a wandering hand on the small of your back.

He's dressed in a colourful flannel and some shorts, you notice, much different than your fresh out of bed joggers and t-shirt. You make a mental note to change later, and you consider stealing one of his flannels (there's the thoughts again,) just to have his smell on you.

He pulls away from you to begin setting up the eating area, bringing out cups and silverware and then returning with a plate when he senses the omelette is nearly done. He stands to your left with the plate held in both hands like an excited toddler and when you flip the breakfast meal onto his plate he leans over and presses a quick kiss to your forehead in thanks. The thoughts come rushing back; I like when you kiss me, Harry.

"D'you have any plans for today?" he quizzes, before taking a drink of his orange juice.

"Was thinking about going in the pool later," you tell him, "it seemed nice out, an' I love your pool."

"I rather like my pool too," he chuckles "I'll join you, yeah? Could go for a swim later."

When you finish eating, Harry takes the plates to wash despite your protests. You cooked, he argues, so he cleans. You glance at the time, almost 12, and decide that the time it will take to change and freshen up will be enough for your stomach to settle and therefore a swim will be safe.

Returning upstairs, you first search for a bikini and then your sunglasses, changing and adding a pair of shorts. You brush your hair, throughly this time, and tie it up to avoid contact with the chlorinated water.

Before you go back downstairs, you take a minute to look at yourself in the mirror— doing your best not to allow the thoughts to come forward. (You don't think about how your body will look to Harry, and you definitely don't allow yourself to think about what he might think about the bikini you chose. Absolutely not.)

When you return downstairs to the kitchen, the dishes are washed and on the drying rack. Grabbing two cups and straws, you fill each about half with ice and then filtered water; and carry them both out to the poolside where Harry sits contently in the sun.

Unbeknownst to you, Harry's eyes travel along your body through his sunglasses when you appear from inside of the house, wishing he could touch you. His brain flicks back to the phone call he had this morning with his Mum, how she encouraged him to make a move because she knows you're meant to be. His stomach flips thinking about it.

"Do you remember when we went to that party and you pushed that guy into the pool because he was flirting with me?" you smile, sitting down beside him and handing him one of the cold waters.

"Mm, we had to leave because he was gonna' beat me up," Harry chuckles, "I was drunk. Probably lucky he ended up in the pool."

"You were being protective! It was cute!" you defend,  rubbing his back lazily in comfort. He looks at you in a funny way, smile faltering a little before he returns his eyes back to the pool.

"M'gonna test the waters so the princess doesn't freeze," He proposes, rising from his seat when you give him a playful smack.

You rise as well, shimmying off your loose shorts and moving to sit at the side of the pool. Watching harry submerge himself first, you let your legs dangle off of the edge and into the water. It's cold, but a pleasant, enjoyable cold in the hot sun.

You sit contently for a few minutes, enjoying the water on your legs and watching harry swim back and forth. You lean back and turn your attention somewhere else, trying to avoid being caught staring.  Suddenly, though, a hand brushes up the side of one of your submerged legs, informing you of Harry's presence.

"Y'coming in?" he asks, standing now. He's tall, so your faces are about level now.

"Are you in a hurry?" He's close enough now that he's dripping cold water on your skin.

"Maybe,"

Suddenly, he's gripping your waist to lift you and pull you into the water. You squeal, grabbing his shoulders as leverage as he practically drops you into the water that feels ice cold against your warm sunny skin. He laughs loud and happy when you splash water in his direction as payback.

Soon, both of your energies mellow out. Harry's on his phone, while you're floating around in a doughnut shaped floatie. Harry snaps a photo, but you don't notice.

When it's time to get out, Harry offers to go grab the towels while you float around for a few more minutes. He's driving you crazy in the best way. Your skin still tingles where he had touched your sides to lift you into the water, and your palms burn with the memory of his bare shoulders.

When he returns, it's like his energy has changed. The sight of a shirt over his chest makes you frown momentarily, and he's light on his feet rather than the happy strides he took on his way into his home. You see him tuck his phone into his pocket as if he's been talking to someone again, and when his eyes meet yours the wide smile is hiding something else.

When you slip out of the doughnut and climb up the pool ladder, he mumbles a soft "c'mere" and wraps the towel around your shoulders. His eyes watch you for a little longer than they should've.

"Mum called again," He murmurs.

"I's she doing well? Is that who called this morning?" you question, keeping your attention on his eyes.

"Yeah, woke you up I suppose,"

"Not at all!" You defend.

He goes quiet, picking at his fingernails (a nervous habit you notice he's developed since beginning to paint his nails) and looking off to the side to avoid holding eye contact with you. This makes you nervous, he's never this way around you.

"Harry,"

"I'm sorry, 'shouldn't be such a big deal," he says, letting out an awkward laugh.

A soft smile appears on your face, taking his hands into yours to part them. Gently, you move towards him, pressing yourself wordlessly into his body and allowing his hands to wrap around your towel-covered body. It brings him comfort, and you ignore your own heart beating at the contact.

"Better?"

"A little." He admits. He loves holding you, and sure, it helps his nerves, but he's going to tell you.

His Mum's been on him since he told her you'd be staying with him, telling him “now or never, Harry!”, and he's beginning to realize it really is now or never. He doesn't know how long quarantine will keep up or how much longer you will decide to stay, and he misses you even when you're just running something as simple as a grocery trip.

He doesn't know why he's scared, he knows a friendship as strong as yours could work through anything, Still, there's always the possibility that things could go bad. “Get out of your head!'”Anne would say.

This type of topic between the two of you is quite common, given Harry's music and your tendency to be quite open. However, this type of topic concerning the two of you is uncharted territory.

He thinks about the story you'd brought up earlier. When you'd both went to a party together and some guy, very obviously drunker than the both of you, tried to flirt his way into your pants before Harry had pushed him into the pool himself.

The truth is, he knew you would hold your ground if you weren't interested. Actually, Harry knows from first-hand experience that you don't need protection, you can be very vocal when you need to be, and he's even seen you deck someone at the bar a few years back for touching one of your friends. You were the protector.

That's why, upon seeing Harry at such a nervous loss of words, you had hugged him. It was your own way of protecting him.

"I wasn't trying t'protect you when I pushed that guy into the pool." He states, quiet and unsure.

You only hum in reply, allowing him to finish his sentence but letting him know you heard what he said.

" 'was jealous."

What?

"What?" you pull away from him only slightly, “why?"

"I didn't want stupid—" he pauses for the name "Josh, or whatever, t'be the one to take y'home."

You give him a confused look, now that you can see his face. Not putting two and two together.

"Josh is great! I love Josh—"

"More than me?" he murmurs, and it clicks.

Oh.

"Of course not... Harry," you hesitate, watching his eyes move between your own and his jaw clench.

Is this happening?

"I wanted," his shaky hand finds your arm, sliding down to take hold of your own, equally shaky left hand to toy with your fingers.

"I wanted t'take you home. Crawl into bed with you. Whatever else." he finishes. His stomach is in butterflies by now and he feels the tight, anxiety feeling in his lungs.

It catches him completely off guard when your lips are on his.

When you try to pull away, scared you've overstepped, his mouth only follows your own and his hand rises to your jaw to hold you steady. He feels a weight lifted from his shoulders, holding you, kissing you, like this. This is what he's needed.

When you finally do pull away, it's to go inside. Harry erupts in happy laughter when you make a beeline up the stairs. Nothing happens though, it's too soon and Harry agrees, but that doesn't stop you from curling into Harry's sheets, cuddling and kissing each other while watching one of your favourite films.

Catching up on missed time.

***

The wedding reception.

How did we end up here?

"Honestly," Harry speaks loudly to the crowd of your family and friends within the dinner hall "I have two people to thank for sealing the deal."

You smile wildly, knowing exactly which story he's about to bring up. Your eyes travel through the table groups you and Harry had spent so much time planning out. When your eyes catch with Mitch's he gives you a wink.

"Anne, my beautiful Mother, thank you for not letting me coward out of finally telling my girl how I felt," he pauses, you place a hand on his knee

"And Josh—"

You can't hold back the laugh, especially when the entire room turns to face the poor, completely unsuspecting victim. Josh, face red and confused smile on his lips.

"Years ago, when I pushed you into that pool at your birthday party because— you would've killed me if I didn't run! Because you were talking to her and I got jealous!" the room is erupting in laughter.

The room is full of the most important people in your's and Harry's lives. Still though, your happy eyes are glued to Harry, working the small crowd of people as per usual and telling a story about the time of and before quarantine; of when you'd basically moved in with him and never left.

Later, when you're wrapped in warm blankets and Harry's arms, you're reflecting on your day. The guests, who you'd talked to, what you'd heard.

"Wow. I'm married." he dumbfounds.

Wow is right.

"We're married." you restate for him, giving his hand a soft squeeze.

"Wow. I'm married to my best friend.”

Giggles boil over in the dark room. Harry is astonished suddenly, pupils blown, wide grin on his face. He presses quick kisses to the side of your face and you snuggle into his side more.

"I think we win, H."

[celawrites]

Day 11

Mondays. I hate them. Like whoever has the name Monday is an automatic joy kill. I’m not too sure about that fact but I hate Mondays. I’m not sure when I started to have them, but I guess the idea of going to school again after 2 days of rest is just pure annoying.

I skip a proper breakfast today and grab a bag of turtle chips I bought yesterday. Cooking could wait. I start the car and get out of my neighborhood. A call comes in.

Sun is calling…

“My oh my Sun? Whatever could you be calling me at 7:00 for?”

“Can you drive me to school today?”

“Are your parents not home?”

“No, it’s just my brother had a morning class today and took the car with my parents”

“So you’re home alone?”

“Essentially”

“Send me your address. Do it quickly too, I was about to get on the freeway”

“Sent”

“Alright~, See you later! Love you!”

“I literally haven’t said I like you back yet and you’re already saying you love me?”

“I say it to everyone darling. I like you is my term of endearment, because love you sounds more natural after a conversation”

“You make no sense”

“Neither do my grades”

“Alright see you in 5”

“See you”

The drive to his house is. Chaotic. I’m having a crisis comprehending that he would call me of all people to carpool with. Pebble had a car, lived closer to him, and he probably could’ve carpooled with her? But then again he doesn’t like her that much. Probably because I’m tolerable or something. What if he likes me back? No! That is the most irrational thought I’ve ever had wtf. Who in their right mind would like me? My thoughts are interrupted when I end up at his house.

“Get in loser, we’re going to school”

“Sounds boring.”

“Says our Valedictorian”

“Will you stop calling me that?”

“Mm. No”

“Remind me why I decided to ask you to drive me to school again?”

“Because you loooooove meeeee” A look of disgust from him.

“I’m joking. Because I’m the only tolerable one in our class”

“Pretty much yeah”

“So. Got your eyes on any of our juniors?”

“No I’m not attracted to any of them. I have decided my last crush was enough”

“Oh come on. Clinging onto the past isn’t good for your mental health you know”

“Says the one who still can’t let her feelings go”

“oK IN MY DEFENSE I GREW EXTREEMLY EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HIM”

“Clinging onto the pAsT iSnT gOOD fOR yOUr MEnTaL HEAltH yOU kNoW”

“Stop quoting me!”

“Wise words from someone who doesn’t even follow them”

“I’ve been attacked. Remind me to never drive you to school again”

“Does that mean you’ll finally stop texting me at 3am to go to McDonalds with you?”

“Nope. 3am and 7am hit different. They don’t vibe the same”

“You make no sense”

“Good to know you finally caught my vibe”

“Remind me how you managed to publish a book?”

“I don’t know. I wish I did sometimes”

“How’d you even publish one?”

“I ran a blog. Which no one at our school knows about, and someone contacted me to publish the story I was writing”

“I’ll make a mental note to find your writing blog”

“Have fun trying”

“You use the same username for literally everything, it’s funny how you think I won’t be able to find it”

“. you got me there”

“I could always text your public school friends and ask them about it”

“Only one of them follow the blog. And like the rest of them don’t even know about what I do”

“Why?”

“The Canadian friend. The last time I went to visit him, he asked me if they were really my friends. I had told him about how they told everyone my secrets”

“Ah. Well.”

I look at him in the corner of my eye.

“I know I may be emotionally constipated.”

“pFFt”

“Let me finish. But I really wanna repay you for being there for me when I needed someone. So if you have any successes or things you wanna vent about. Uh. You can come to me?”

“I’m touched. This is why our school questions our friendship”

“Because you’re the only girl I hang out with?”

“Yeah. You’re such a softie too!” I coo. “I wonder what our classmates would say if they found out that you’re so emotionally vulnerable!”

“I would never hear the end of it”

“But honestly. I feel like all the students in our school tend to put up a facade. No one ever mentions having anxiety or being anxious or paranoid about things. I only found out about that vulnerable side when I had left”

“Being anxious is normal. It would be unrealistic to be emotionally stable”

“You’re only saying that because you’re emotionally unstable. I honestly think you’d be more stable if you had a girlfriend or something”

“You’d let me?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Only if it’s me~” I laugh immediately after.

“Hopeless romantic as always”

“hEy! LEt me live in my fiction!”

“Whatever floats with you”

“I’d rather drown-”

“Your humor has gotten so dark-”

“Whose fault is that?”

“Yours”

“No my dad’s”

“Your dad?”

“My public school one. The father figure that I lack”

“I was gonna say. I didn’t take you for one who would get a boyfriend”

“Ok. No one wants to date me. I’ll just end up as the cat lady”

“If you do end up getting a cat, I call dibs on naming them”

“No. My precious baby” I pout. The school is in view now.

“You don’t even have a cat yet?”

“Still. My precious baby”

“You’re boring”

“Mm” I hum in agreement. I’m parking the car at this point. It’s 7:25 and we arrived at our normal time. He wasn’t one for a morning snack, and I wasn’t particularly hungry either.

“Are you not going to go grab breakfast?”

“Why would I?”

“You literally had a bag of chips for breakfast”

“So? It’s not like I’m gonna pass out from lack of nutrients or something”

“It’s not good for your health”

“When has my health ever mattered”

“Since now. Swap seats with me I’ll take you to Starbucks for a sandwich or something”

“No”

“What do you want?”

“You-” I cackle and he flushes red. “I’m jOKING JKSFGW I’M SORRY SUN”

“Ok but what do you actually want”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Even if I take you to Paul’s Place?”

“hHHHHH. I’m not h-hungry”

“Let’s go. We can walk over”

“We literally have like 20 minutes. That’s not nearly enough time to grab food”

“Then you’ll let me raid our school’s kitchen. There has to be some sort of leftover food there”

“You’re telling me to whAT?”

“I know you have the keys to every room at school. Don’t think I didn’t see you asking the principal for them so you could arrive here at 5am in the morning huddling in a classroom for vibes”

“I’m hurt”

“Open the kitchen for me. I’ll make you a sandwich or something”

“Aww. You’re gonna cook for me?”

“Would you rather do it yourself?”

“I’d rather starve”

“I-. You’re insufferable”

“Thanks, I get that a lot”

“What do you want for breakfast”

“A hug”

“That’s illegal”

“nO THE CONTRACT JUST SAID NO DATING I HAVE A PHOTO HH”

“No hugs until you eat breakfast”

“So you’ll hug me if I eat breakfast?”

“We’ll see”

“bREAKFAST HERE I COMEEEEE”

The kitchen was pretty much empty other than the sauces. There were a couple leaves for a salad, and the ranch dressing that I had grown to hate but I had to eat what I could. There was no way I was allowed to run off. He had kept me within the inner side of the kitchen where I couldn’t leave without him trapping me in.

“If you take any longer people are going to think that we’re doing the deed in here”

“You’re disgusting”

“Ok but like you’re gonna get teased either way”

“We are not going to do the deed in here”

“If this were public school then someone has definitely-”

“BUT THIS IS A CHRISTIAN PRIVATE SCHOOL SO NO HORNY”

“hiSSS”

He glares at me for another couple of seconds while I start to scarf down my salad.

“dON’T CHOKE ON IT. YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST”

“lET ME CHOKE ON MY SALAD. I SHALL GLADLY EMBRACE DEATH”

“nO?”

“yO wHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO IN HERE?” Someone’s head popped in.

The two of us screamed. And I ended up choking on the salad. Helping me regain my breathing, he gazed at the person who had burst in.

“Is there ever going to be a time when you don’t just burst into the room I’m in?”

“Nope. But I’ll probably stop if you move out for college”

“I swear”

It’s his brother. I offer a smile and throw the now empty plate away.

“I hate ranch. If I have to eat that anymore I’m going to kill someone” I cough.

“As much as we know how to hide a body, I don’t exactly want to be an accomplice in a murder”

“Don’t worry about it Z. If anyone’s going to jail with me it’s your brother”

“What did I do???”

“Become my friend and partner in crime. You know, the usual”

“Can’t you get Sam to hide the body for you?”

“What’s the fun in that? You know more about the human body”

“oH?” His brother wiggles his eyebrows.

“The first bell’s rung. Let’s get to class”

“See you later Z!”

“See you!”

So class starts again. The day is calm, welcoming, serene. The day passes and I’m home again. Today’s supposed to be a McDonalds night but I end up waking up late for the 3am run.

Clown: I’m late today McDonalds?

Sun: Z wants to go But I want sleep

Clown: I’ll pick him up Tell him I’ll be there in 10

Sun: Got it

Seen at 4:03

My car starts and I drive towards his house. I’m already in my school uniform and my bag is in the seat next to me. My lights are dim so I don’t wake anyone in their home. I see his brother open and close the door, then slide into the seat next to me.

“Ready to go?”

“Yea. McDonalds right?”

“Yea”

The drive is quiet. He looks out the window while my music plays softly in the background. He probably isn’t as awake. Their dynamic at school is reversed at home. I never understood why.

“Is something bothering you?” My voice is soft. And he sighs.

“Are you sure you want to listen?”

“Always”

“I met this girl online. I thought we hit it off really well too. She was flirting and everything with me. I found out a few days ago that she had a boyfriend. It turns out she only started to talk to me because I had a rank that she wanted to be in. She broke off contact with me yesterday. I guess it hurts. I really thought she could be there for me for high school too”

“Don’t let it drag you down. It sounds rude to say that, but you have your whole life ahead of you. One small bump along the way won’t matter to you in the future. So focus on what you want to do and reach for it. If you ever need someone to be there for you my number is always there. Text me whenever you need, I’ll always try to be there.”

“One bump along the way…Thank you. I kinda get why E’s always going to you for help”

“It’s not much. The least I can do is listen to your worries.”

“But you aren’t obligated to do that”

“Yeah. But it doesn’t matter. I want to be of some help.” I pull up at the McDonalds drive through.

“Hey darling!”

“Hey. Can I get the usual and then… Do you want ice cream?”

“Wait the machine works?”

“Yes or no.”

“Yes please”

“And a large M&M McFlurry?”

“lARGE?”

“Of course darling! Did your friend go through the breakup blues?”

“More like got emotionally attached to one of those internet bunnies”

“Holy. That’s the worst. It’s on the house then”

“yOU caN’T JUST DO THAT”

“I DO WHAT I WANT I’M THE MANAGER”

I gawk and drive up to the second window. He shoots me a grin and hands me the food. I pull out my card to pay but he’s already gone.

“That little piece of sh-”

“Thank you” Z mumbles silently.

“Ah. Don’t worry about it! It’s the least I can do as your driver.”

“But you didn’t need to?”

“Internet bunnies are the worst. I would know”

“I’m not gonna ask how you know”

“Haha” I laugh. “Welcome back Z”

“A moment of weakness”

“3am hits different. Don’t worry about it. We’re all emotionally fragile”

“Especially the three of us”

“I would guess.”

“Ready to go?”

“Let’s”

And the rest of the night passes with laughter, smiles, and jokes.

Previous : Masterlist : Next

[casper-has-a-cat]

WARNING: descriptions of vomit below!

read the warning!

read the warning!

read the warning!

okay, you’ve been warned!  please enjoy the fic!

They’ve only been playing cards in the common area for about 15 minutes, but Iwaizumi is bored.  It doesn’t take him long to figure out why.

“Hey, guys, where’s Oikawa?”

“Still in the bath, I think?”  Hanamaki says, raising his eyebrows.  Iwaizumi’s natural frown deepens into one of concern and annoyance.

“It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?”  He takes a quick mental inventory of the people around him; the whole team is there, minus their captain.

“He’s probably fine,” Matsuwaka shrugs and turns back to his cards.  Iwaizumi stands up and the rest of his teammates look at him again.  He clears his throat.

“I’m going to go check on him,” he explains, and is gone before anyone can protest.  Something doesn’t feel right, and as much as he loves making fun of Oikawa, right now the idea of leaving his best friend alone any longer makes him inexplicably but undeniably uneasy.

When he finds Oikawa, he’s glad he went with his gut.  His mouth barely above the water and completely alone in the bath, Seijou’s captain looks limp and lifeless.  His face is all red, and if it weren’t for the slight flow of the water pushing him gently side to side, he would be completely still.  Iwaizumi scowls, pushing the pinch of anxiety in his gut aside.  When it comes to taking care of himself, Oikawa has never been anything but irresponsible.

“Oi, Shittykawa!  We’re leaving this bath, come on!”  Iwaizumi waits about five seconds before the fear that Oikawa really may have passed out gets the better of him and he takes a step closer.  He’s ready to pull his friend out of the water by force when he finally speaks up.

“Ah?”  Oikawa’s voice is thick and slow.  “Iwa-chan?  ’s that you?”

“Of course it’s me,” he says loudly, startling Oikawa because of his proximity and getting a mild satisfaction out of the small surprised jolt of his shoulders.  “Now get out,” Iwaizumi demands, looking away.  It’s not so much out of embarrassment or anything of that sort (having been friends for such a long time, both boys have seen each other naked on plenty of occasions) but because he is well acquainted with Oikawa’s habit of making some smug comment along the lines of “Aw, you just can’t look away from my beautiful body, can you, Iwa-chan?”

When he hears an unnatural splash from behind him, he’s torn between worry and the suspicion that Oikawa’s playing some sort of trick on him just to get him to look.  And yet, he cannot stop himself from turning around.

He finds a disoriented looking Oikawa gripping the side of the bath for dear life.

“Oikawa?”

“Hah,” he breathes out a stuttering laugh.  “I’m- I’m coming Iwa-chan, hang on.”  He tries to stand again, and Iwaizumi watches him sway drastically for a moment before grabbing his arm.

“Oi, Shittykawa, what’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine, really, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa struggles unconvincingly in Iwaizumi’s grip for a brief time before giving up.  Iwaizumi’s grip on his arm tightens, demanding an honest answer.  “Just… a little dizzy, is all.”

“Bakakawa.  Of course you’re dizzy, you’ve been in here far too long.”  He lifts his unsteady friend out of the bath, never once letting his grip loosen.  “Let’s get you back to our room and you can lie down.”

Oikawa pouts.  “But I wanted to play with the team-“

When Iwaizumi shoots him a death glare and Oikawa closes his mouth, paling a bit.

“Well, I guess it would be okay to spend the rest of the night with Iwa-chan,” Oikawa mumbles.  “You- you’ll stay with me, right?”

Iwaizumi sighs heavily at the excessive uncertainty in his best friend’s eyes and shakes his head.  “Of course, Trashykawa.”  I’ve never left alone you before, have I?

When they get back to their room, Iwaizumi helps Oikawa get comfortable and settled into bed, bringing him the remote control for the TV and his stuffed alien.

“There,” he mutters, crossing his arms and surveying the room before his eyes flick back to his friend in anticipation.  The room is a chaotic mess; it was typical of Iwaizumi to throw his stuff everywhere, but it was also routine for Oikawa to relentlessly nag him about it as soon as he entered the room.  He had yet to say a word about it.  Iwaizumi hadn’t worried too much about this at first, as he’d assumed that Oikawa was probably just out of it, but at this point, considering Oikawa’s lack of complaints and general commentary, not to mention the fact that the TV remote remains unused in Oikawa’s loose grip, Iwaizumi doesn’t think it’s unreasonable to be concerned.  He waves a hand in front of his friend’s face.

“Oi!”  Oikawa’s eyes snap into focus at Iwaizumi’s exclamation.  Iwaizumi’s voice softens.  “You okay?”

“Hm?”  Oikawa hums a questioning note.

“You’re just… quiet,” Iwaizumi finishes, diplomatically avoiding bringing up the subject of his mess so as not to upset Oikawa.

“Mm.  Still kind of dizzy.”

Iwaizumi frowns.  It’s been a while since Oikawa left the hot bath; he should be feeling better by now.  Unless…  Iwaizumi reaches a hand to Oikawa’s forehead and almost immediately realizes what’s going on.

“You’re sick.”

“Hmph.  No way, Iwa-chan!  I’m a healthy-“

“Your burning up, Dumbkawa.”

“But Iwa-“

“No buts,” Iwaizumi glares.  “You need to try and sleep.”

Oikawa blinks and looks at Iwaizumi reproachfully.

“Don’t you give me that look.  I know you have trouble sleeping, but you at least have to try.  Your body will probably be more susceptible to sleep now that it’s sick and knows it needs the energy to heal itself.”

Oikawa makes a face, but relaxes into the pillow behind him.  Now that Iwaizumi knows he has a fever, he can see the signs more clearly: the pasty quality to his skin, the exceptionally deep bags under his eyes, the sweat gleaming on his forehead.  Iwaizumi feels a pang of pity for the sick boy; it always sucks to get sick on vacation.

“Hey.  Do you feel any symptoms other than the dizziness?”

“I’m fine, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa lets out a dramatic exasperated sigh.  Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but had to make sure.

“Really?  There’s nothing else?”

“Honestly, Iwa-chan!  You are my mom after all!”

“Shut up!”  Iwaizumi growls, but Oikawa looks so run down that it’s hard for him to believe the jeer was anything other than a distraction tactic.  He softens.  “I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

There’s a moment when Oikawa’s face opens up in a knee-jerk mirror response to Iwaizumi’s sincerity.  Iwaizumi can’t judge how much pain is there in his eyes since the moment passes so quickly, but he feels somewhat relieved when Oikawa is left with a small, but genuine, smile.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Iwa-chan.  But, if you want, maybe you could bring me some water?  My mouth is pretty dry.”

Iwaizumi smiles, both glad that Oikawa’s being honest, and that he seems to be in relatively high spirits.  His worry eased somewhat, he allows himself to stop and talk for a bit when Hanamaki calls out to him as he passes the common area.

“Is Oikawa okay?”

“Yeah, he’s-“

“See?”  Matsuwaka breaks in.  “What’d I tell you?”

Iwaizumi scowls as Hanamaki and Matsuwaka exchange knowing glances.

“Right, but-“

“It’s cute how you were so worried about him, though,” Hanamaki says suggestively.

“Seriously, it’s not-“

“Oh, Iwaizumi!”  Kindaichi calls out to him, not realizing that he’s interrupting.  “Are you and Oikawa going to play cards with us?  We’ll wait to deal the next hand!”

Iwaizumi shakes his head, and the team erupts in a barrage of complaints.

“Why not?”

“It’s only 10 pm!”

“Well, actually it’s 10:45… but still!”

“You guys are lame!”

For about five seconds, it’s entertaining, and somewhat flattering.  Unfortunately, the team doesn’t stop there, but instead gains momentum to the point where Iwaizumi wouldn’t be surprised if Oikawa could hear them all the way on the other end of the hall.  The last think Iwaizumi needs is a curious Oikawa wandering out of the room to figure out the cause of all the commotion.  Enough is enough.

“EVERYBODY SHUT UP!”

Thankfully, when necessaryIwaizumi can be even louder than the rest of his team combined, even when they’re as riled up as they are tonight.  He puts his hands on his hips when they fall into a stunned silence.

“Thank you.  Also, thank you for so kindly and enthusiastically inviting us to play cards with you, but unfortunately, we must decline, since Oikawa,” Iwaizumi looks purposefully at Matsuwaka and Hanamaki, “has a fever and must rest up.  I’m just grabbing him some water and then I’m going to head back and keep an eye on him.  And if any of you goons text Oikawa to ask him if he wants to play cards, I’ll kick your ass,” he adds as a precaution when he notices a new glint in Hanamaki’s eyes and the phone in his hand.  He’s glad he did so when Hanamaki’s smile fades.  Crisis averted.

He turns to leave and grumbles a “goodnight” over his shoulder as he goes, acknowledging the responding “goodnights” of the rest of the team with a wave of the hand.

Despite all the trouble and chaos, Iwaizumi is in a much better mood by the time he returns to the room.  As a result, he’s nearly drops the glass of water on the ground in surprise when he opens the door to find that his best friend has dissolved into a sobbing mess.  He rushes to his side immediately.

He smells the vomit a moment before he sees it on the comforter.  There’s not much, but it’s enough to make Oikawa freak out.  The sick boy’s hands are lifted but hanging limp at the wrist as if he doesn’t know what to do with them but wants them as far away as possible, which is probably the case seeing as they have puke dripping from them.  Oikawa hates messes, and this is certainly a mess.  Still trying to process the shock, Iwaizumi takes a moment to compose himself, then speaks as quietly as he can.

“Oikawa…”  Even as gentle as Iwaizumi’s voice is, Oikawa startles, having been so wrapped up in his distress that he didn’t notice when his friend returned.  He hiccups and his eyes squeeze closed again as he wails.

“Iwa- Iwa-cha-an,” he sobs, his breathing fast and uneven.

“Hey,” Iwaizumi murmurs, knowing that he needs to calm Oikawa down but not knowing exactly how.  “Hey, Oikawa.  Look it me.  You’re okay.”

Oikawa sniffles, but the action makes him retch.  Iwaizumi grabs the trashcan that’s conveniently next to the bed (which is also scary, since it means that Oikawa didn’t even have the strength to get it himself before he was sick earlier).  Oikawa accepts the receptacle gratefully, but his arms shake as they wrap around it.  Iwaizumi places a hand on his sweaty back to help support him, and gently strokes Oikawa’s hair away form his face with his other hand.

“You’re okay,” he repeats.

Oikawa shudders, and then his whole body jolts with a heave.  The distinctively hollow splash of liquid on the empty plastic trashcan tells Iwaizumi it was productive.

“That’s it, Oikawa.  You’ll feel better soon.”

Oikawa lets out a whine, and then he’s lurching even further forward, burying his head in the trashcan as his body is wracked by heave after relentless heave.  He gasps desperately for air but ends up coughing so harshly that he gets sick again.

“Take small breaths, Oikawa, and don’t panic,” Iwaizumi murmurs, wishing he could do more, but not knowing what else he can do.  “You’ll be fine.”

By the time he’s able to pull away from the trashcan, Oikawa is shaking like a leaf.  He’s not crying anymore, but his eyes are so wide that Iwaizumi wonders if the fear of throwing up again is the reason he’s holding back his tears.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa’s voice comes out in a raspy whisper and he’s caught off guard by a small, but thankfully dry, cough before he can continue.  “I feel so bad.”

Iwaizumi clicks his tongue and runs his fingers through Oikawa’s hair.  “I know.”

“I made a mess.”

“I know.”

“I have to-“

“I’ll clean it.”

“You can’t even clean your own clothes up off the floor!”  Oikawa’s breathing speeds up again.

“Hey.  I can if you tell me to.  Come on now, you know this.”

“I know I just…”  Oikawa trails off and Iwaizumi doesn’t catch the last of his muttered words.

“What?”

“It’s just gross!”  Oikawa shudders and looks down at the vomit on his shirt.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle, I promise.  Now let’s get you cleaned up.  I’ll clean the floor while I’m at it, too, how’s that sound?”

Oikawa shrugs, and Iwaizumi takes that as an agreement.

Oikawa is silent and complacent throughout the whole ordeal, not even bothering to verbally greet Hanamaki and Matsuwaka when they stop by briefly to help after Iwaizumi texts them an SOS.  In fact, Oikawa doesn’t say a word until after the other boys leave and Iwaizumi moves to start picking up his clothes off the floor.

“Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi freezes.  “What’s up?”

“I’m—“ Oikawa yawns.  “‘m tired.”

Iwaizumi relaxes.  “Well, that’s good.  You ought to rest.”

“Not when you’re cleaning.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” Iwaizumi says, looking around helplessly.  “Sorry, I should have done this sooner, but now it’s going to take a while.”

“Come to bed.”

“What?”

“Well, you’re not sleeping in that—“ Oikawa yawns again, longer this time.  “That bed without a comforter.”

“Don’t you want me to pick up—“

“Just leave the clothes, Iwa-chan!”

That’s a first.  “You sure?”

Oikawa nods.  “You have to be my pillow in exchange, though!”

“Your what?”

Oikawa flushes pink, and Iwaizumi wonders if maybe that had been the fever getting the better of his tongue.  “It just… listening to your heartbeat helps me sleep,” Oikawa whispers in a voice so low that Iwaizumi hardly catches it.  He’s glad he does, though.  It makes him smile and immediately give up on cleaning.  He turns off the light and gets in the bed.

“Thanks, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa lays his head on Iwaizumi’s chest and relaxes.

“Sure thing,” Iwaizumi mutters.  Then Oikawa tenses suddenly and Iwaizumi wonders brieflyif he should have kept the trashcan within arm’s length, despite Oikawa’s reassurances that he was no longer nauseous.

“You can’t leave,” Oikawa says, and Iwaizumi relaxes, relieved.  As if he needs to justify the validity of his demand, Oikawa adds, “It’s part of the deal.”

“Honestly, Oikawa, you-“

“Hajime,” Oikawa pleads, voice desperate and shaky.  “Please.”

Iwaizumi looks at him in surprise, and even in the near-complete darkness he recognizes the return of that vulnerability he’d glanced earlier.  And yeah, there’s some fear there, too.  Iwaizumi huffs out a puff of air.

“Of course.”  Oikawa relaxes immediately, his eyelids drifting shut.

Despite the chaos of the night, Iwaizumi can’t help but smile, thinking back on how bored he was when Oikawa wasn’t around.  As someone who despises being bored, he certainly chose the right best friend.  Life is never anything less than excessively eventful when Oikawa’s around, that’s for sure.  And yet, he still manages to look peaceful and innocent when asleep.  Iwaizumi laughs lightly, exhaustion nipping at his own heels now that he’s in bed.

“Don’t worry,” Iwaizumi murmurs, just before drifting off, a hand sifting lightly through Oikawa’s hair.  “I’m not going anywhere.”

send me an ask!

[newhologram]

2016 diary of a spoonie

Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know it’s going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and I’m still here.

Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.

It’s also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. That’s why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when I’m not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that aren’t true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when I’m not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.

(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, it’s pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)

This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, I’m a bad spoonie. I can’t believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.

1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.

1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower. 

I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.

I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.

3:18 AM: Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up. 

What's going to happen to me?

1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That I’m just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty. 

I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not close with anyone. I can’t organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. I’m so lonely. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really I’m just alone here in my room. 

I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me? 

1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didn’t see Miss Piggy. Again!

But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff. 

Now is definitely meditation time but I’m worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat. 

Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!

1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole. 

Gotta let it go. They don’t dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.

2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.

BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(drawing of a newlamb)

たりないよ　(it’s not enough!)

2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like I’m a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I don’t know who that person is. 

I guess it’s okay not to know. 

Right?

2.14.16 1:15 AM: よふかししてるの (I’m stayin’ up late)

Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all よ～～～～～～～～～～！

Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so I’ve been doing that. Maybe too much. 

2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here. 

I didn’t work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her. 

I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am. 

2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I wish I was never born. 

I don’t feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I don’t want to hurt my dad. 

Wish I had someone to talk to. 

I’m so done. So done. So alone. 

If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldn’t change much. 

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. I’m too stupid to work retail. I can’t do math. I can’t edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body can’t work or I get sick. 

I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself. I can’t rely on my dream. It might not come true. I’ll be 30 in 4 years—will I still be living here, relying on my dad? I’m a joke. I’m not a real adult or person. 

My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I don’t want to hurt them either but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. 

I’m not okay right now but I have no one. I’m all alone. 

A few tears came out. 

That’s all I have. 

2.25.16 1:12 PM: I’m so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I don’t have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety. 

I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I can’t focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in. 

How am I gonna get out of this one? I’ve done it before. Time is crawling. 

Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that I’m too depressed to actually focus on anything fun. 

I can barely cry. It’s like a blockage. 

FUUUUUCK!!!

(lots of scribbles)

2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but I’m not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! It’s still really early but I think it’s time for a meditation nap.

3.2.16 10:03 PM: It’s March wtf... okay.

3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true. 

3.13.16 2:51 PM: It’s Nikki’s birthday. 

I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :( 

Even though I love that stuff, it doesn’t make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?

I just feel so fragile I’m worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I won’t be able to take it. That I’ll run away, or worse. I’ve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know it’s silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me. 

:( I wish I wasn’t like this. 

3.21.16  1:42 PM, Monday: It’s so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(

Things will work out. Things will pay off. 

Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money. 

Caught int he swirl. 

I am something and someone.

3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job it’s going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I can’t afford my bills right now. 

(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, “you can do it”)

I can do this. I can make it happen. 

4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am. 

So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it. 

4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CAN’T FOCUS!! SAD!!

5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.

I haven’t been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I won’t fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( It’s just a dry spell. It will get better. 

I just want to cry in bed. A lot. 

6.13.16  8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post. 

Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.

I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week... 

I’ve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down. 

BUT SO. I moved my room around. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

(drawing of my room before and after)

So much nicer. I think I’ve been sleeping better. And now there’s not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!

Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldn’t cry... fuck. 

Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately. 

Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)

There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb. 

6.14.16 11:45 PM: I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy. 

I’m so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work. 

I hope he’ll be okay. 

I just want him to know how special he is. 

6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed. 

Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed. 

Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday. 

Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything. 

I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday. 

I just really don’t like myself.

What can I do?

7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now. 

Camera in my face. 

Feeling tired but pretty good. 

7.24.16 10:38 PM: There’s so much to say but it’s late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot. 

I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste. 

8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? I’m trying my best. I really am. But it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy? 

I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... it’s just so hard. 

9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, it’s September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job. 

Since I’ve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good. 

9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay. 

I’m still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a plan—or I get stuck at words, instead of just writing. 

9.12.16  10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But it’s for tomorrow, so. I can’t since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful. 

Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. I’m okay. 

Tomorrow is... let’s see. 

7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????

I can do it. 

9.23.16  12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule. 

I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. I’ve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. I’ll be wiped out. 

But... money! Also I’ve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz. 

(a row of crystals)

On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.

Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read. 

10.11.16 12:12 pm: Last week was two kinds of intense. 

SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.

TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics.  FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.

SUN: pain back after good massage

Now I’m feeling depressed again. 

I’m so scared for my future. I just can’t bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30. 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 

10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again. 

It’s like a merry-go-round. 

(sad crying face) 

10.31.16  11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I don’t remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well. Tomorrow is November.

Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch. 

What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?

This year has brought a lot of change, but ti’s easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going. 

Just keep swimming. 

11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job. 

Idk. I’m so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry. 

I didn’t do anything wrong. 

12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.

Things: 

New job: shift got cut Tuesday 

Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting. 

Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax ☆ Nice.

it’s December wtf

Made a Patreon

12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year. 

12.16.16  3:07 PM: I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.

My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help. 

All is perfect. All is well. 

[errorwarblesrr]

Your tags

Yeah everything is such a lose/lose situation

Either timeline he would stay in he can't have a normal life

Either he is forgotten, or he will forever be in a body older than he is and won't age properly; he won't fit in either way

At least we see he reconnects with Zelda and Malon in mm but he still has trauma left behind and then all of Majora's Mask happens

It's just very sad,,,

*head in hands* oot link is such a tragic character and it makes me so sad