#religious abuse //

[cultsurvivorsafe]

I know that it’s a hard day for many survivors. Wishing you all peace and happiness.

[creature-wizard]

Hey folks. You know how that myth that abusers are all people who don't care about their victims at all keeps people stuck in abusive situations, because the person they're being abused by doesn't match the description of the complete monster they're told an abuser is?

Okay. Now I need you to understand that saying "X shitty religious group doesn't actually care about people, it only wants to control them" is harmful for the exact same reason. This kind of thinking will keep people trapped in harmful forms of spirituality longer because they won't recognize that just because their spiritual leaders and mentors genuinely care, doesn't mean they aren't also behaving abusively or harmfully.

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Stop misappropriating the abuse and trauma cults use through purity culture for your stupid fucking shipping discourse? Holy fuck no wonder everyone hates this whole discourse.

Since when is "priests getting shuffled around after raping kids and kids being told they're sinful because they had bodily reactions to being SAd" comparable to "Bobo the clown said my ship was cringe"

I'm not gonna answer this with The Aristocrats, as a I threatened, because I want to make a very serious point to this anon:

Purity culture isn't just religious abuse. It is most widely connected to religious abuse. Including actions in the Catholic Church and all fundamentalist Christianity. It's entire existence is about terrifying and indoctrinating people into being fearful of their own actions and bodies so that they feel certain that moving out from the "umbrella of safety" (to use a fundamentalist term) will result in them being harmed in ways they can't imagine. This is generally happening at the same time as they are being harmed by those who are supposed to be keeping them safe from all those terrible, worldly evils. Like speaking up when you're being abused. Believing you are not responsible for the actions of a rapist, and many, many other things that any person with an ounce of self-worth and good sense (two things not allowed in fundamentalist circles) knows are true in abuse situations.

But the point of the purity culture as identity in the above-mentioned circles is to teach people from birth that they aren't to have their own feelings, ideas, or instincts. They are only to follow the feelings, ideas, and instincts on the approved list in order to stay within the structures they know and feel safe in even as they feel very unsafe.

That being said:

Purity culture can also exist WITHOUT a religious structure while still being about controlling the thoughts, feelings, and actions of everyone within it. In terms of fandom, purity culture is groups of people stating that if you write something uncomfortable or gross or immoral, then YOU must be uncomfortable or gross or immoral and therefore, not worthy of the safety and moral superiority of the group.

Purity culture without religion teaches black and white thinking, encourages thought policing, and shames anyone who steps outside of a very narrow definition of good and bad by turning an entire group of people against them for being "bad".

Just like in religious circles.

Just like in the cult of fundamentalism.

Purity culture is a term taken by fundamentalists and turned into a whole way of life because the goal of fundamentalism is to make people too scared to leave. Purity culture in fandom does the same thing. It uses fear and threats of abandonment/harassment to control the way people act because a group of people decided they didn't like something, so they must try and wipe it out rather than simply ignore it.

I am not mis-using the term because "Bobo the clown said my ship was cringe." My use of the term is intentional and precise because what is happening in fandom spaces now is non-religious purity culture cult thinking. My use of the term does not invalidate or water down the use of it in conversations about religious abuse and trauma. With or without religion, purity culture is a dangerous cult of "us vs them" that is built to demoralize and eradicate those deemed unworthy.

[fireflysummers]

Good Omens S2

Okay so.

Excellent Job, Gaiman

Ouch???

I don't like to publicly talk about my personal life. My academic life is my professional life is my artist life. But my personal life? Not so much, outside of vignettes.

But for the past several months, I've been deconstructing a lot of personal baggage and trauma surrounding both family and religion, after leaving the cult I was raised in (mormonism).

It's terrifying to realize that the framework you built your entire self on is false. It's exhausting and painful to deconstruct that framework, to disentangle your identity in the way that won't destroy you.

And it's slow.

Nobody ever tells you how slow it is to heal. You can't control the rate you heal either. You just have to be patient with yourself, and give yourself an environment where that healing can occur safely and naturally.

Anyways.

Good Omens, and its weird tendency to be exactly what I need when I need it.

I first read Good Omens in high school. And honestly, I didn't quite get it, at the time. I only knew it was different from every other book I've ever read, one that didn't treat religion as stupid or trivial, but also one that called out the blatant hypocrisy and control tactics involved. It helped me safely challenge a status quo I hadn't even realized existed.

I first watched Good Omens partway into my Master's Degree. It was everything that I could've hoped for. I understood the book a lot better, but the TV adaptation captured my struggles with mental dissonance, trying to understand and accept the parts of my identity that I was taught God didn't want.

I watch S2 a year into my doctoral program. I'm out of the cult, and it's exhilarating and painful and scary and fun, but I can still feel the scars its hooks left when they were torn out.

I feel like S2 Aziraphale is in about the same place. He's exploring his freedom, but also trying to reorient himself. He's trying to let himself be. He's healing, but his boundaries got overridden due to circumstances out of his control (naked Gabriel). He's been pulled back into the gravity of the abusive system he tried to escape, given a carrot on a stick, and isn't yet healed or strong enough to resist.

On top of that, Aziraphale is still holding onto the hope that the problem was bad individuals, not a corrupted system. He thinks if the leadership is different, things can change. He thinks if he had more authority in the system, he could make things change. And... that's not how it works.

And Crowley. Dear Crowley.

He wants Aziraphale to be farther along in his healing than he is. Honestly, Aziraphale wants it too. But again, you cannot force this kind of healing, even when it results in a loved one making some truly stupid decisions.

Crowley sees the system for what it is. He's already deconstructed that part. But he hasn't really started addressing his own trauma. He's hinged his entire existence on Aziraphale, on being what Aziraphale needs, that he hasn't allowed himself to heal either. And Aziraphale, who is vulnerable and healing, is not able to provide the support that Crowley would need to recover safely.

Which is why them separating is probably the best thing for both of them.

It won't be permanent.

But they don't communicate, and their relationship while delightful and beautiful risks unhealthy codependency that prevents either from really growing or healing.

Anyways, what I really hope to see next season is Aziraphale's realization that the system never had his back. That the system is what's wrong, and that he can't win by playing at respectability politics or gaining a higher status within it.

I want Aziraphale to get angry.

He deserves it. He's tried so hard. He thinks he's lost Crowley over it.

I want him to feel the gut-wrenching despair of realizing how conditional and fleeting the system's version of love is, and I want it to turn into a rage.

But not a destructive rage--the sort of anger that Pratchett ascribes to himself and many of his works. The sort of anger that fueled Discworld and Good Omens. The sort that can be finessed into a weapon and a shield, that can be used to protect the people who truly love you.

For millennia we see Crowley fighting for Aziraphale.

For Season 3, I want to see Aziraphale fighting for his demon.

For him to apologize, without the expectation that Crowley will come back, but because he was wrong and Crowley needs to know it. To not expect forgiveness, not even think he deserves it.

And then for Crowley--who is trying to hide his heart eyes at seeing his avenging angel coming to save him for once, who he can tell immediately has changed, and is finally going Crowley's speed)--for Crowley to give that forgiveness, without strings attached.

[furiousgoldfish]

Did my parents use cult techniques of abuse on me?

Or, did I grow up in a cult-like environment?

Control of appearance

my parents would berate me for my choice of clothing and accessories

my parents would insult me, call me names or slurs or make inappropriate comments if I dressed in a way they disapproved of

my parents would refuse to take me places until I dressed the way they required

my parents would shame me for my appearance and say they're ashamed to be seen in public with me

my parents would require me to look similar to what they look, even if it wasn't my style

my parents would take away pieces of my clothing and destroy it if they didn't like it

my parents would blackmail me or force me to wear a certain piece of clothing against my will

my parents would physically force me into clothing they decided I should wear

my parents berated, insulted and shamed me for the length, color and the style of my hair, if it wasn't what they thought I should look  like

only certain styles of clothing, hair, and accessories were acceptable for me to wear

Control of information, isolation and 'them versus us'

my parents would ask me 'where did you learn that?' whenever I would say something they didn't like

my parents would blame the school/my friends and say 'is this what they taught you?' if I didn't comply with their requests

my parents would disprove of reliable sources of information; they would insist they're right even when their information was directly against science, common sense, school or expert opinion

I was restricted or heavily discouraged from absorbing certain sorts of media (tv was forbidden, or certain books were forbidden, or the internet)

my parents were happy to expose me to information on how others live only if they were showing me worse abuse than what was going on at home. my only references were people who hurt their children much worse

my parents didn't like me spending time with my friends and would criticize those friends harshly in front of me

my parents considered anyone who isn't like them stupid, undesirable, less worthy and irrelevant, they wouldn't take in new information about them and instead considered themselves superior

my parents insisted that there isn't a place for me in the 'outside world' and that I'm only ever going to be a burden and a liability to everyone

my parents convinced me that people in the 'real world' were cruel and dangerous, and that I was likely to get killed, kidnapped, robbed, sexually assaulted or taken hostage by them

my parents believed anyone who fell victim to homelessness, addictions, abuse, poverty, illness or misfortune was stupid, worthless, lived their life wrong, and it was all their own fault that this happened to them

Control of location, financial abuse and life decisions

my parents would take any money I receive as a gift away from me

my parents would take any money I earn away from me

my parents would find a way to 'borrow' or 'keep safe' the money that was supposed to be mine, and I would never see it again

my parents would employ me to do work that would otherwise be paid work, but I would never hear about the money, they would just say it would go to 'the cost of keeping me'

my parents required me to work to 'deserve to live', I would have to do extensive physical work in order to deserve food, shelter, and basic resources I needed for school

my parents didn't give me proper working conditions, when working I wasn't allowed to complain of being tired, hungry, needing the toilet or a break, I had to work silently

my parents wanted me to work for them even after coming of age

my parents wanted me to only work somewhere close to the family (in the same town/city/district, or in a relative's home) and would sabotage me getting jobs that required me to move away

my parents threw tantrums or had extreme anxious reactions if I were to try to move somewhere away from them (insisting I'd be hurt, kidnapped, killed, robbed, sold into slavery, etc)

my parents wouldn't allow me to make life decisions on my own even when I was of age, and insisted that they know what is right for me instead

my parents would withdraw their support from me, or do intense shaming, guilt-tripping, acting hurt and betrayed and blaming me for their own bad psychological state, if I tried to make my own life decisions the way I wanted (even when I'm an adult)

if I needed to move for school/work, my parents insisted on being in as close contact as possible, they wanted me to call them daily or would call daily

I felt that my parents did not trust me to know how to take care of myself and they felt it was necessary to control all of my decisions for me, or I would go directly into my own doom

Strict patriarchal standards

my family believed that the father is supposed to be the 'leader' of the family and that other members of the family, specifically children, were to listen to his orders obediently or be punished

my family allowed the father to use extremely cruel punishments if he wasn't obeyed instantly

there was a double standard for what the family was free to do, and what the father was free to do; he could act as he pleased, but for the rest, there were strict rules of behaviour and limited freedom

while the father in the family was allowed to criticize, humiliate, guilt-trip and demand labour and resources from anyone in the family, he himself was above criticism and was not to be questioned

there was a double standard for girls and boys in my family; girls needed to be submissive, pleasing to look at, work endlessly for others and act like helpers and resources for other members of the family. boys were valued for toughness, durability, aggressiveness.

controlling, bullying and assaulting girls would be forgiven and dismissed, but girls would not be allowed to fight back.

boys were encouraged to fight and were not supposed to complain about injuries or fear physical violence at all

girls were valued for chastity, virginity and appeal to men, while boys were valued for physical strength, leadership, agression and decision making

extensive shame was put on any sexual desire, curiosity or even requests for information about sex

it was assumed that the goals for the young girls in the family was to become married and were trained for 'serving their future husband', to the point where they would be criticized and humiliated for anything 'their future husband wouldn't like'

my family did not give us any resources or information that would teach us about sex or protect us against sexual abuse

there was sexual abuse of children in my family (by adults, or by other children) and it was ignored, dismissed, either never brought to light or the perpetrators were protected if it ever was brought to light, and the entire thing covered up

Breaking (tw torture, tw murder attempts)

I was denied food or shelter if I would disobey my parents as a child

I was locked up somewhere if I would disobey my parents

I was hit, chased, threatened with violence, had things thrown at me and had people scream at me in rage if I disobeyed them as a child

I was beaten, to the point where I had marks on my body, as a punishment for disobedience

I was starved as a punishment for disobedience (my food intake was limited, a meal was withdrawn every day or multiple meals were, or my meals were less than what everyone else was allowed to have)

I was sleep-deprived as a punishment (allowed less than 8 hours of sleep at night)

I was overworked as a punishment (forced to do long or unusual cleanings or other menial labour)

I was exposed to life-threatening situations as a punishment (someone would try to drown/choke/injure me, or put me in a situation where I would likely get injured)

Punishments would not be over until I would break down unable to bear it any more and I would apologize and beg for it to stop, sometimes it still wouldn't stop

After punishments, nobody would speak to me, look at me, pay attention to me, or give me any comfort or acknowledgment, everyone acted as if I was poisonous or toxic (this is shunning)

After punishments, I would be isolated, without any human contact, for prolonged periods of time, I wouldn't be allowed back into the family until they decided it was time

I was exposed to extensive shaming and contempt for disobeying (I was told I was the worst, most selfish creature to live, that I was evil, possessed, demonic, I was called slurs, animal names, monstrous names, compared to the devil or worst humans to exist, blamed for everyone's suffering, accused of causing suffering on purpose and enjoying it)

intimate, sexual or extremely uncomfortable punishments were done to me for disobeying or talking back

I believed that the members of the family were all-powerful, and that there was no way of escaping their punishments, or for them not to find out if I've done anything wrong. I became terrified of making any mistakes and couldn't see a world where they wouldn't find out

I was scared that the family members could read my thoughts and was forbidden to think anything ill of them

Religious and Spiritual Abuse (control of thoughts)

I was supposed to accept the same religion my parents believed in, and anything else was unacceptable

I was forced to participate in church going, religious activities and rituals even if I strongly did not want to be involved

I was taught extensive religious or spiritual beliefs from the start of life, and would be judged on those standards/had to prove my faith in various ways

I was forced to 'confess' my thoughts and beliefs to a member of the family or the church, who then judged me and 'corrected' my way of thinking, telling me how I should (must) think

my place in society was dictated by my religion, if religion said my purpose is to have a family, or have children, then the only way for me to exist would be to follow that purpose

I was taught that laziness is a sin and I was to work every moment I possibly could, or I would be shamed as a sinner

I was told I was impure, sinful, that certain parts of human nature like curiosity, desire for knowledge, critical thinking and indulgence in my interests and desires was 'against god', and I had to give it all up in order to be a good person

I was taught to fear god's wrath and that punishment would come for anything that could possibly be perceived as wrong

I was taught that suffering is necessary and good for us, that the more we suffer in this world, more will we be rewarded in the next one, and that being put through extensive and prolonged pain would actually save me and give me good graces with god

alternatively, I was told that any suffering was my fault and only here because 'I didn't believe enough' or 'my faith isn't pure enough' and if I only did everything right, then I would have no suffering, no illnesses, no problems and no bad moods ever

I was told there was something demonic and evil inside of me, and had to bear punishments to 'exorcise the possession'

I was told I was so evil, selfish and demonic that I could not be loved, or could only be loved under certain conditions, and if I'm continually punished

I was introduced to a 'new age religion' or a specific spiritual belief by my family and was then groomed to participate in it long term, not realizing that it was done for a purpose to benefit a certain cause that was ultimately exploitative and deceptive

I was shamed and told I was doing harm to the world for arbitrary things, like having my own stuff, eating certain foods, participating in certain harmless activities or buying certain things

limits and restrictions would be placed on completely harmless things for which I would then be persecuted

Escape prevention

I was told that I was not capable of living in the normal world and that I would die if I ever escape

I was told I would commit suicide if I escape

I was told that the world outside is life-threatening, that people are dangerous, prone to attack, murder, rob, assault or kidnap me

I was told that I was absolutely unwanted, burden and a waste of space if I'm outside of the family

I was told there was no way for me to become a part of any other group or have a place in any social circle outside of the family

I was terrified that there would be revenge if I ever escaped, and that someone would come and attempt to take my life

(in case of escape) extensive measures were taken to try and get me to come back, I was searched for, contacted and harassed by multiple people trying to find me and bring me back home

(in case of escape) my relatives, friends, acquaintances and peers were harassed and manipulated to believe they need to bring me back and that I'm making a mistake

I was extensively shamed, told I was being cruel, in the wrong, that I needed to forgive and forget any wrongdoing, that I was doing damage and hurting people, if I ever tried to escape

I could feel that I would be shunned, everything I had would be taken from me and I would be left without any family, any resources or any safety net if I ever escape

(in case of escaping) I became shunned and unwelcome in my own family

(in case of escaping) the worst rumors and allegations were spread against me, my family told everyone made-up stories or exaggerated lies of how awful, cruel, selfish, crazy, distorted, sick and psychotic I am

(in case of escape) after escaping, I was hit with severe terror and trauma, and was barely able, or completely unable to function for a period of time, I didn't believe I would survive, and I didn't know how to function in the world

(in case of escape) after escaping, I realized I had nothing to my name, no skills for survival outside of the family, and I needed to re-learn everything, from socialization with people to financial skills and self care, I wasn't taught anything that would help me live in the outside world

*if someone other than your parents did this to you, you can substitute 'parents' by 'abuser'. Sometimes cults will cut family bonds and convince you that the cult community is your only family

If you've scored high on this list, it doesn't necessarily mean you were brought up in a cult, because cults often use tactics of domestic abuse, and the reverse is also true, domestic abusers often use cult tactics of abuse. It also doesn't mean that you weren't brought in a cult, if most of this is applicable you could potentially benefit from reading resources about cults and how they function, and how to recover from them and clear your mind of their control.

Most families raise their children in their own religion, and by patriarchal standards, it doesn't mean that it isn't religious and sexist abuse, because children are often not free to choose their beliefs or live freely of those standards. It's a societal type of 'accepted abuse'. However, you had anything from 'Breaking' category true for you, you were severely abused and someone attempted to take your free will completely from you, and take control of you. Everything in there counts as torture, is illegal, and is not in any way acceptable to do to a child, or adult, and none of it could ever be done for your own good. Also, control of your appearance, finances, information and escape prevention are strong signs of exploitation and being held hostage and used against your will. Control of appearance is mostly done so that nobody in the outer world could recognize that you're not there by your free will and as a part of that family/community, it's to make your abuse invisible and undetectable. Control of information is there to make it invisible to you, so that you can't figure out whats happening to you isn't normal.

If you've scored high on this list, it means you've been through extensive and terrifying levels of abuse, and that strong measures were taken to prevent you from escaping. This type of abuse has long-lasting effects and is not something one can easily recover from. Nobody deserved anything on this list to be done to them, every point is abuse.

[wildfeather5002]

Indigenous folks, ex-christians & anyone who's knowledgeable on social issues, I have two questions that have bothered me for a long while and I believe y'all might know how to answer them.

The question: I read a webcomic about community A living on an island along with another community B with different culture & beliefs from them. Community A believes that their culture & religion are the correct ones and that members of community B are dooming themselves to eternal damnation (in a religious sense) if they don't adopt the beliefs & practices of community A.

I saw someone talking about the comic in its comment section, saying that one of the characters who's a member of community B is selfish for not adopting the burial practices from community A's religion, because according to that someone, not burying their loved one like community A believes is correct is " potentially dooming their loved one to eternal damnation".

If you're indigenous, has rhetoric / talking points like this been used against your own religious / cultural practices? Could you give any concrete examples?

If you have religious trauma / are ex christian of any kind, have people used talking points like this to guilt trip, to frighten, or to shame you into obeying religious rules? (People belonging to other religions than christianity are welcome to give their perspectives as well!)

[vague-humanoid]

Bellamy, desperate for help, had tried applying for cash assistance from the state of Utah. But she’d been denied for not being low-income enough, an outcome that has become increasingly common ever since then-President Bill Clinton signed a law, 25 years ago, that he said would end “welfare as we know it.”

Although maintaining a safety net for the poor is the government’s job, welfare in Utah has become so entangled with the state’s dominant religion that the agency in charge of public assistance here counts a percentage of the welfare provided by the LDS Church toward the state’s own welfare spending, according to a memorandum of understanding between the church and the state obtained by ProPublica.

What that means is that over the past decade, the Utah State Legislature has been able to get out of spending at least $75 million on fighting poverty that it otherwise would have had to spend under federal law, a review of budget documents shows.

But Bellamy, a Black single mother, is not one of the church’s own — and, unlike the government, a church is often allowed to discriminate based on religion.

The bishop of her local congregation, called a ward, decided that as a precondition of receiving welfare, she would have to read, understand and embrace LDS scripture, Bellamy told ProPublica. Church representatives came by her apartment to decide what individual food items she did and did not need while pressuring her to attend Sunday services, she said.

Yet she ultimately balked, especially at the thought of being baptized in front of strangers. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t believe in it. And it’s important what I believe in.”

For her refusal, she says, she and her family were denied welfare by the church, just as they had been by the state.

[ex-catholic-in-new-england]

Are there any other ex Catholics/ex Christians who never actually believed in god and were just forced to attend church/Sunday school/faith formation/CCD as a kid? I feel like I’m the only one with this experience :(

Do I even get to call myself ex Catholic even though I never believed?

[house-rat]

The deflection and lack of accountability among apologists is astonishing. They truly prioritize the defense of their religion’s good name over the people within their communities it has hurt.

[exclawshou]

"...Usually, this was a practiced routine. A few sessions of training each night had become a comforting game. Mr. Suzuki would dodge nearly all of Serizawa's attacks each time. His subordinate would put up a good fight before surrendering. And afterwards, both men would retreat back to their quarters, ready to do it all over again the following night. Not tonight. It was clear that Mr. Suzuki wanted to draw blood. Holding nothing back, his leader's dizzying blows brought Serizawa back to the harsh reality of his mistakes. He was an idiot for thinking that everything would be so easily forgiven. With every other strike, Serizawa stumbled or fell. Twenty minutes later, and Serizawa could barely stand, despite the President's commands to get up and face it. It was punishment. It was his punishment..."

🔹️ Claw if it was a religious high control group. 🔹️

Developing Serizawa and Shou as cult survivors.

More context under the cut

Serizawa takes on a lot of heat when he occasionally (and very meekly) stands up on behalf of Shou.

As Shou starts to rebel against his father's teachings, Serizawa starts covering Shou for slights here and there. He pretends to not notice when Shou sneaks out of his room to hang out with the local folks (outsiders). He even pretends to not hear as Shou engages in long conversations with his mom deep into the night (as Shou tries to convince his mom to re-convert to Claw).

When Shou realizes that he doesn't want to stay in Claw, his friendship with his dad's bodyguard becomes more tense. But, there is no talking Serizawa out of his sworn faith. If Serizawa's mother can't talk her son out of it, what hope does Shou have?

Despite his enduring loyalty, there's a conflict buried deep in Seri's heart when he sees the impossibly high standards that the President has for his son.

After the boy threatens to leave Claw forever, Serizawa and the Ultimate Five are sent on a mission to capture him before he successfully boards a plane back to Japan to stay with his mom.

Serizawa provides a distraction which allows Shou a narrow escape. But in that moment, Shou also offers Serizawa a choice between coming with him, or staying in Claw.

And so, Serizawa decides to stay.

[cassemiah]

How do I explain to you

that your idea of heaven

Is the closest I've ever come

to understanding hell?

[cultsurvivorsafe]

Cult survivors, you don't lack intelligence. You don't lack morality. Your abuse was and never will be your fault.

[creature-wizard]

PSA: If you're searching out resources to help cult survivors, check their citations and look out for these names - and if you see them, leave immediately - because these people are all far right conspiracy theorists:

Svali

Cisco Wheeler

Fritz Springmeier

Cathy O'Brien

Mark Philips

Lawrence Pazder

Michelle Smith/Pazder

Lauren Stratford

Texe Marrs

Bill Schnoebelen

Rebecca Brown

Mike Warnke

Literally all of these people were (or in some cases, still are) pushing far right conspiracy theories derived from early modern witch panic, blood libel, and The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion. Literally do not trust anyone or anything that cites them.

[intersexfairy]

just because you were raised in an oppressive christian environment doesn't mean every child is being indoctrinated by their religious parents. you shouldn't have to be told why equating religion to child abuse is dangerous to marginalized people. and blanket judgements don't do anything to help survivors of religious trauma; you don't understand what indoctrination means, let alone all the forms religion can take.

[astra-ravana]

In case anyone forgot

[furiousgoldfish]

Growing up with abusive parents, there was a lot of religious grooming going on, a big emphasis was put on being 'a good person', and I was told often about how god is watching me and judging my every move, and of course, he always agreed with my parents judgment, conveniently for them.

Being a good person meant a lot to me, so I did try very hard to be kind and do good deeds, only when I did this, my parents were very much not satisfied. Instead they would find reasons why my good deeds were, not actually good. I'd get told that I only did things to look good in front of others, or to get the attention, or to get something out of it. This hit me hard at the time, my character was already attacked on all fronts, and now I had to second-guess my every move to judge weather me doing good deeds was only attention-seeking, manipulative and selfish behaviour.

This in turn taught me that I should never expect anything back, never seek any attention, never consider how it makes me look or feel to do good things for others, and, this was still not enough. I was still being told that I did everything so lousy, that it would have been better if I hadn't done anything at all. My thoughtfulness, my attempts at being helpful, obedient, grateful, convenient, generous, supportive and kind, it was always degraded or explained away as 'the least I could do'.

I struggled with analyzing my own actions and the motivations I had for them, and worried that I might be a horrible, self-serving, selfish person. At this point I was already doing everything anyone asked of me, while being polite and mild-mannered about it, and I didn't complain about being overworked, neglected, exhausted, lonely, and tormented by the abuse. I was so focused on scrutinizing my own actions, whether I could have done anything better, whether I was doing it all for wrong reasons, that I couldn't see a simple truth behind this charade: people who were constantly telling me off for not being a good enough person, have never even tried to be good themselves.

My parents, so quick to berate me for not having the right 'motivations' for my kindness, were not bothering to be kind at all. The amount of good deeds they've done for nothing in return is zero. They always had ulterior motives, they only did things to look good, they held others in obligation for every gift, every gesture, every word given to them. They upheld every little 'good deed' they did as a proof that they can do no wrong, used it to get leverage, to get trust and illusion of goodness. They only did good things when convenient and easy, with large payoff. They did things, good and bad, for attention only. I wasn't supposed to notice that. I was supposed to put my head down and feel horrible for everything I ever did.

I've had time to clear my head, and think about how much I should scrutinize my own actions. Even if my standards are still impossibly high for myself, I seem to be very forgiving towards others, finding them good people even if all they do is live for themselves, and find happiness and pleasure for their own benefit. Just not doing harm to others, is good! People are not selfish for wanting to be happy, and focusing on their own happiness, it means there are more happy people on the planet, which is what we want.

The way I was taught to go about being a good person was all about sacrifice. Give away your everything for nothing in return, and then, maybe, if everyone feels you've given them enough, if nobody is left behind, if nobody is left dissatisfied, maybe you'll be considered good. Which is impossible, because you cannot please everyone, you cannot rip yoursef into enough pieces to fix everyone's problems. It's a way to get torn and used and exploited and then have everyone abandon you completely after they've used all of the pieces to their full extent. It's not something a human being should be put trough. It's a devastating mission with no fulfillment, no happy ending, no possibility of it turning okay.

I've started to consider that tearing myself apart for others is not only wrong, but actively a bad thing to do, because it harms me. Is something really good if it harms a person? I am a person. My deeds should not cause harm to myself. Sacrifice is romanticized in both religion and media, but should people want someone to be sacrificed for their own happiness? Is it okay and normal to have a portion of people suffering and torn apart so another portion would be happy? It's a bad system! We shouldn't live like this. People who want to benefit from other's sacrifice are not good, and should not be even given the chance to benefit from it.

Nobody should be sacrificed. Nobody should be bearing other people's burdens indefinitely. Nobody's life should be degraded to another person's convenience.

And children should not be scrutinized for their good acts. Children don't yet have a developed sense of morality, they often copy what they're seeing others do, and they follow their basic instincts of curiosity, desire, boundary testing, wanting to try things out. Their little experiments will often not turn out great, but it's the only way to learn. Being shamed so badly at this stage, for 'not being good enough' can only paralyze them, ending their learning process, forcing them to stop developing their own thinking. So they accept the grooming instead, they accept what is told to them about good and evil, without having the chance to test it and decide for themselves.

I got told I was being bad and I believed it, without ever being able to see how others are benefiting from my desperate obedience. It destroyed my sense of self. Learning this as an adult is much more complicated, because you first have to undo everything that's been done to you before, every belief placed in your head so you'd give up on your own interests and do as you are told, every fear placed in you if you disobey. And then you have to experiment and test your thoughts, see what happens, which again, feels embarrassing as an adult, to have to learn the basics like that. And also at times, scary, because you still hold the trauma of being punished for testing anything, you might feel like your life is on the line if you allow yourself some mischief. Even when others are doing it constantly, carelessly, and get no punishment whatsoever.

They put us trough all this just so they could benefit from us when we were children.