#regular reminder that I'm a fucking burden!!!

[colorlessrose]

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I'm really nervous because I don't completely know what to expect

I have an overwhelming urge to just hide in a closet until it goes away but I can't do that because then I'd be ✨unemployed✨

And we can't get through another winter with me fucking unemployed, we're on the verge of broke as it is

[yourdakg]

Donor Update!

A special update because Donation Found! received over 100 likes! That's more than I would have ever thought.

After five months, Turnaround Technologies is checking in with some early swap cases. Today we're going to check in with Ryder and Pervus. Let's take a look at some of their update casefiles!

As you can see, both men are finally falling in to their new roles. They've been fully adjusted and are starting to accept that the swap is locked in! Curiously, while the Beta Subject has expressed interest in swapping again, we have had to reiterate that the intensity of the process means an individual can only do it once. Ah well, I'm sure he's enjoying his new position as Dr. Pervus Fondler.

Let's check in:

Dr. Fondler: Unnngh. Oh no, I feel so soft and weak. No one even looks at me twice anymore. Guys I could have picked up so easy before sneer at me and I'm completely invisible to women. All I do is jerk off to pictures of my old body! I'm doing exactly what Pervus the Perv used to do but now I'm the perv. Oh God!

Well, it sure sounds like he got what he wanted. No one is looking at him as a sexual being at all. Surely this will provide deeper, less superficial connections. We then asked him to rate Turnaround Technology services and he gave us a solid 9! ...on a scale of 9-10 and we take his "1" as a "9" as per our standard operating procedure.

We also see that he has been getting regular updates from the Alpha subject. While this may be troubling, we have allowed the contact lines to remain open and will monitor the results for our research:

We asked the Alpha Subject why he desired to keep a line of contact open with the Beta Subject. This was his response:

Ryder Strong: Well, first, look at my ass. Wouldn't you share that as much as you could? I also think he needs to be regularly reminded of the life he left behind so he'll be more satisfied with the life he now has. Imagine the relief of never going to a pool party, a gym, or worrying about all that pesky sex again!

As a result of these findings we asked our Alpha Subject - or Ryder - to send a picture of himself attending one of those pool parties to our Beta Subject - or Pervus. We had a camera ready to capture the real time response.

You can tell Dr. Fondler is horrified. The vapid, image obsessed, sex filled lifestyle he used to possess is now completely someone else's burden. Sure, he'll never experience it again, but at what cost? We tired to reassure him that the donor was aware of what he was doing and that since the swap was permanent there was nothing to be done.

Don't worry, Pervus. Sure, you have over $200,000 of debt you still owe us for your, uhm, upgrade. But we can assure you...

Those burdens are no longer yours. You rightly traded them away to someone who was better equipped to handle it. Now enjoy your new life... and pay the fuck up.

Turnaround Technologies is always looking for donors and for men who need an escape from their old lives. Maybe your bodybuilding diet is too much, maybe you're tired of modeling, maybe you're like Ryder and tired of people treating you well just because you're a smokeshow. Get your donation today. Turnaround Technologies: Deserved, Permanent, Irreversible.

[gojos-thot-patrol]

Can you please please make a part 2 of the one of the first with kento 🥺 I NEED them to make up my heart can’t take angst. :(

So, I went ahead and combined these two asks because I assume they're talking about the same fic.

and while normally I'm not super big on part twos, we couldn't leave our lovers in such turmoil, now could we?

find pt.1 here!

Now Presenting...

Starring an absolutely desperate Kento Nanami

You felt dirty sitting on Satoru’s couch, but in the aftermath you had no idea where else to go. After you and Nanami broke up in that stupid fucking fight, you felt lost, but you knew you needed a place to stay. It felt wrong, partly because you knew Gojo had feelings for you, but mostly because you weren’t home. You couldn’t go home. Home told you to leave. 

“Have you tried getting a hold of him yet?” Gojo asked, sitting next to you on the couch with two cups of tea, one the perfect way you liked it. You’d been staying with him for two weeks now, and in that time he managed to fall into tune with you as best as he could. Though it didn’t feel nearly as natural as it did with Kento, you appreciated his efforts. 

“No.” You shook your head, looking down at your phone. He had been trying desperately to get ahold of you, you just couldn’t bring yourself to answer his calls. “I just…I can’t talk to him yet. He hurt me, I-”

“You don’t have to explain anything.” Gojo assured you. “I’m not here to tell you how to handle your break up. But, I will say..” He paused, trying to find the most empathetic way to put this. “He’s hurting too. I think he’s ready to try and make up.” You let out a defeated chuckle. Gojo really was an amazing friend. Despite his feelings for you, he never tried to make a move, and had in fact even been advocating for you guys to make up.

But, this wasn’t just a regular fight. Nanami broke up with you. How do you come back from that? “He’s the one that broke up with me.” You reminded your friend.

“Yea, and then he found his mind again, realized the total ass he made of himself, and wants to try and undo it.” You laughed a little at Gojos phrasing, but it hurt. Your smile felt like an open wound these days, begging for salt. 

“Well then that sucks for him.”

“Ok, well then, when do you want to go and get your stuff from his apartment?” Gojo finally asked. “If you’re sure this relationship is dead, you might as well take it off life support, right?”  you sighed. Gojo was right. If you weren’t going to take the initiative to try and get back together, might as well tie up the loose ends.

“Tomorrow.” You said with a harsh nod, as if that was what made it final. “Kento should be in the states now. I'll just leave my key on the bar.” You muttered. Gojo nodded and took a drink of his tea. 

“Alright then. I can give you a ride tomorrow.” 

💛💛💛

The air was thick as blood as you made your way to Nanami's house. You didn’t have any tears left in you to shed, so the sky wept for you. You and Gojo respected enough to keep the drive quiet. This was it. This was final. Once you remove yourself from his apartment…You’ll have no connection to Nanami left. That burden was more than an anchor on your soul, it was a fucking canon ball. Tearing you apart as it tore through you. 

“Is that his Fucking car?!” You yelped as Nanami's apartment came into view and, yes, his car. “Isn’t he supposed to be in the states?!”

“He probably got a ride to the airport Y/n.” Gojo reminded you. Oh. Yea. that was actually really logical, who leaves their car at the airport for a month? 

“Oh, right.” You muttered, embarrassment lacing your voice. Gojo parked next to Nanami's car. 

“Want me to go in with you?” He asked. You shook your head.

 “I just…I need some time to..say goodbye, I guess?”  you muttered. Gojo nodded and patted your back softly. 

“Let me know if you need me.” He muttered to you as you left the car, making your way up the stairs to say goodbye to the only home you’ve ever known. You slid your kid into the door and hesitated. This was it. This was the last time you’d ever do this. You took a deep, jagged breath, and opened the door.

Only to be met with the face of your ex, sitting at his bar, nursing a coke and whiskey at 9 am, looking like a deer in headlights as he stared at his opening door. You didn’t imagine you looked any better. You both sat there, staring at each other in a very loud silence. Both of you daring the other to break the tension somehow. It felt like someone had pressed pause on the movie of your life at the worst possible time, so, you decided to press play.

“I thought you were supposed to be in the states..” You muttered, stepping in and closing the door.

“I told them to give the job to someone else..” He felt so childish and stupid saying it. It really had been easy that whole time, and it was killing him. He’d thrown away his relationship over fucking nothing, like a fool. Like a fucking petulant child. “You were right..” He admitted. 

The ease at which he was able to get out of the business trip sent another wave of red hot rage through you. You scoffed.

“Well, I’m just here to get my stuff, then I’ll go.” you huffed. Suddenly, Nanami was on his feet, reaching out to you in almost fear. 

“No, don’t go.” He begged. “I-I never wanted you to go-”

“Then why did you tell me to leave?” You cut him off, more heat to your voice than you ever intended. 

“Because I was frustrated, refusing to see your side and when I saw my side falter, I lashed out in the most childish way possible.” Of course, leave it to Kento Nanami to over analyze any interaction to cut down to the heart of it and articulate the problem with the confidence of a therapist. 

“Yea, well…your words still hurt me!” You said, not having the articulation Nanami did when it came to emotions.

“I know, and I’m so, so sorry. I never should have let my feelings hurt yours.” Nanami said, slowly approaching you. He wanted to pull you into his arms, to kiss you like he’d never kissed before, to remind you just how much he loved you. But, he didn’t want to scare you away even more. You stood in his living room, crossing your arms and trying not to let him in. Why were you trying so hard not to let him in?

“I’m not going to apologize.” You muttered. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Nanami said, finally close enough to touch you. He gently placed his hands on your hips. “You just wanted me to be home..”

“I still want you to be home…” You muttered softly, letting him pull you closer. 

“I want to be home…” He assured you, “And I want you to be home too…” he purred as he pulled you into his chest. For the first time in two weeks you felt warm and truly safe. Your heart burst out with rays of sunshine, and your soul called out to him in overwhelming ways. You gave into the undeniable pull that was Nanami, falling into a full hug and burying your face into his chest. You felt hot tears spring to your eyes as emotions overwhelmed you. 

“Ken..” You muttered, looking up at him through bleary eyes.

“I missed you so much Y/n,” Nanami promised, showing he was thinking exactly what you were, as he pulled you into a kiss. Nothing had ever felt more right. Like the universe had finally corrected itself and righted its course. The world made sense again. Gravity held you down, earth revolved around the sun, and you loved Kento Nanami.

He pulled you closer, his warmth overwhelming you. He tasted like cinnamon whiskey, which was fitting because you swore you were getting drunk on his presence. Your body called out to Nanami, and he answered, his hands starting to wander down your body. The kiss was shifting from gentle to desperate quicker that you could fully keep up with. Your arms moved from around his waist to tangle into his hair.

 “I love you Y/n” Nanami panted as he pulled away from the kiss, “I need you.”

“I need you too.” You confirmed. That was all Nanami needed to hear. He picked you up desperately, wasting no time in getting you to the bedroom. He laid you on the bed and immediately started to kiss you again. He needed to kiss you more than he needed to breathe. You kissed him back like it was the last thing keeping you grounded to this earth. You clung to him desperately, silently begging him to never let you go again.

His hands fumbled with the button of your jeans, ripping them and your underwear off you as quickly as possible. He needed you now. You quickly undid his belt and unzipped his slacks, needing him just as bad as he needed you. His hands slipped in between your legs, his fingers slipping in between your folds. The two of you hadn’t fallen out of sync. He massaged expert circles into your clit, earning him a sweet moan from you. God, he had heard nothing more beautiful in his life.

Two of his fingers managed to slip into your weeping pussy, and he actually chuckled a bit. “Did you miss me darling?” He teased, noticing how warm of a welcome your cunt gave him. You just moaned in response, focused on how the pleasure built up inside of you. You death gripped his shirt as the ecstasy began to grow overwhelming. 

“Fuck Ken, please..” You moaned out as Nanami curled his fingers into you, massaging your overly sensitive g-spot. “I need you so bad..” Say no more. He finished what you had started, pushing his pants down enough to free his cock.

You moaned out his name as he pushed inside of you, a heat already building up inside of your stomach to let you know you weren’t going to last long. “Fuck, I missed you so much..” Nanami whimpered as he bottomed out into your warmth, your pussy drawing him in, welcoming him home. He spent more than a few nights these past two weeks fantasizing about this cunt, but there was no way in the world his fist could ever come close to the real deal.

“I missed you too,” You whimpered out, struggling at the brutal pace Nanami set. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was trying to fuck you into a coma. You wouldn’t be all that mad if he did. Your body sang in elation to be rejoined with him, every nerve ending you had exploding in euphoria. 

Nanami's lips connected with your neck, sucking a harsh mark there, followed by a rough kiss. “You’re mine, ok?” He growled in an uncharacteristically possessive way, one that sent butterflies straight to your cunt. “You’re mine.”

“Ok,” You moaned breathlessly, the heat building into an overwhelming crescendo. 

“Say it.” He demanded.

“What?” your brain was not functioning at the level he currently demanded. 

“Say. It.” He growled, punctuating every word with a particularly hard thrust to your cervix. You whined out in pleasure and pain.

“I’m yours!” You yelled, “I’m yours Kento, all yours and only yours!” You whined out. 

“Atta girl,” Nanami purred, one of his hands slipping down to massage your clit, setting every inch of you on fire. You were running to the edge faster than the speed of light, and stopping at this point was impossible. 

“K-Ken, I’m-!” Which is as far as you got before you flew over the edge, squirting all over your lover, his cock buried deep inside of you. Nanami fucked your fluttering pussy, losing himself in everything you. He wasn't far behind you, cumming into your cervix just as you were coming down from your own high, a string of curses and praise falling from his lips. 

Nanami narrowly avoided collapsing on you, pulling out managing to fall next to you instead. He wasted no time in pulling you into his arms though. He had no intention of letting you go anytime soon. 

“I love you…” he whispered softly.

“I love you too…” you whispered back. A knock on the door startled you both, you letting out a yelp while Nanami pulled you into a protective grip.

“So are you guys back together now, or what?” Gojo asked from the other side of the door.

[m34gs]

so, a little rant.

Hey so, if I choose, when writing fanfic, to write Yukio Okumura or Renzou Shima doing Not Great Things, making Not Great Choices, or straight-up Behaving Badly; that is not an indication that I hate them, nor is it an invitation for people to come bash their characters to me. I'm not doing it out of malice for them. I'm doing it because I love them. I love their bad choices. I love their frustration and their anger and the fact they are literal teenagers acting how teenagers will. I love the different facets of their characters.

I love that Shima comes across as the "girl-obsessed play-boy" type when he's really not. I love that, while he is somewhat lighthearted at times, he's mostly hiding part of himself. I love him so much. It's easy to, from an outside perspective, condemn his joining of the illuminati. However, he was a teenage boy, in a family where he was told EXACTLY how his life was gonna go, and made to feel that he had to carry a burden he didn't want, and constantly reminded of the oldest brother that died that he never got to meet. It's normal for teens to want to try new things and to try and be independent and make their own choices (even if those choices end poorly) in even a regular, healthy setting growing up. With all of that added on, is it any surprise that he thought spying for the illuminati would be a good idea? Furthermore, the illuminati aren't fucking idiots. Of course they found the child that seemed to be struggling with following along a course of life he found no real attachment to. They're not gonna be able to convince someone who's sense of identity is rooted firmly against them. They're going to prey on a person's insecurities and needs. Not once did Shima feel like he was asked what he wanted to do. His brothers are old enough to remember the oldest, and to feel strongly about his death and want to take on the mantle, but Shima doesn't have those memories and connection. Of course he's gonna feel like he's being forced into things he doesn't wanna do. And then something interesting comes along and he decides to try it. Again, he is a teenager. He can't be expected to conduct himself within the same expectations as an adult.

Plus, he figures it out in the end. He figures out he values his friends. He feels guilty about the betrayal. He chooses their side later on. He makes a choice. But, it's *his* choice, not something he was forced to choose.

I also can't help but feel that if he didn't have that "girl-crazy" aspect to him, people would be a lot more forgiving to his character. Which is annoying. I mean, don't like him if you don't want to like him, that's fine. But he's also acting like a teenage boy in that moment. Yeah, his jokes don't always land and they're pretty perverted at times; but have you ever fucking met a teenager, regardless of gender? They make dumb jokes. They say stupid shit. They talk about raunchy things. And, as we go further into his character, it's not actually that he's Like That. He exaggerates a lot of his characteristics. I mean, who would think that the goofy, can't-get-a-date, yet desperate for girls, teenager with pink fucking hair is someone even capable of being a spy? Yeah, he likes girls. Yeah, he likes Izumo. Yeah, he's a bit of an idiot and he really can't seem to get a date, and he's a dork, but when we finally get the betrayal and the reveal, there's a part of him that is *different* and it has been hiding. He has more confidence than he lets on. He's more skilled than he lets on. And he's more conflicted over what he's doing than he lets on.

Let's not forget he's also being monitored by the illuminati, even if he is spying for them. As I said, they're not stupid. So, of course he has to put on a front, even when he might think he's alone with friends.

The thing is, I love his character, I love his development. I love experimenting with him making bad choices or engaging in dark behaviour. He's special to me. I tend to avoid fics that bash him or hate on him, which is my personal choice. I won't go after people writing those kinds of fics because they can write whatever kind of fic they want and enjoy it however they choose. But don't think for one second that I'm ever happy to see people hating on him in my comment sections or messages. I don't write him as dark or twisted because I hate him. I do it because exploring negative character aspects and negative character growth is one of the highest forms of love I can bestow upon my beloved faves.

The same goes for Yukio.

Yukio is, again, a literal teenager. He was forced into an adult role far too soon. He lost his father figure and didn't even get to say goodbye. He is fucking *grieving* but at the same time he now has to help his older brother figure out the world of Exorcists, while also keeping it a secret that he's the son of Satan. Unfortunately, Rin is not that good at keeping those kind of secrets and also has a shit ton of factors working against him; like unexpected visits from Amaimon, difficult to control powers, and being a bit hotheaded. Yukio is supposed to protect Rin, but within a few months of realizing his powers, Rin is suddenly being persecuted by The Entire Vatican, and scheduled for execution. Do people think it's easy to watch your twin brother get persecuted for something that's not his fault?

Not only that, but Yukio has an inferiority complex. Rin was born with the physical strength. Rin was born with Satan's flames. Yukio was not. Yukio was reliant on Rin when they were really little. And that still frustrates him to this day. On top of the fears of Rin being executed, the stress of being an exorcist, the demands of being a teacher, and the loneliness of having lost Shiro, Yukio also feels inadequate and has a thirst to prove that he is just as good as Rin. While Yukio has to work his ass off to get where he is, Rin comes by strength more naturally and that irritates Yukio. Yet, he also hates himself for feeling that way because what kind of brother thinks like that?

In addition to all of this inner turmoil, Yukio lives in constant fear that he will awaken demonic powers as well. He has a front-row seat to how much people hate Rin on-sight for just existing as the Son of Satan with blue flames. Yukio has built up reputation, connections, and skills. He has worked so hard for this. But, if he shows one ounce of demonic ability, it could all burn to the ground. And this is something he has zero actual control over.

It's clear when, in the manga, he does start to awaken things, just how panicked he is. He's skipping his physical. He's trying to avoid others. He can't let them find out because all his hard work will be as good as gone and not having demonic powers was both at once a source of jealousy against Rin but also a fucking comfort because he wasn't up there on the chopping block.

He is in so much turmoil, and for people to just go "he's treating Rin poorly" or "he's not fair to Rin"; like, yeah, he isn't. He is not treating Rin fairly or nicely. But it's not like most other people would be able to manage everything he is going through AND be the Ultimate Best Supportive Brother on top of it all. Give the guy a break.

I hate the idea of characters needing to always act Correctly (TM) even when facing the most extreme and awful circumstances, lest they become condemned and hated by fandom. For one, it's nowhere near realistic. And two, how fucking boring would it be to never see characters make big, high-stakes mistakes? No, their circumstances don't mean their actions are "good" or "excusable"; but it gives a lot of light onto why they act the way they do and that is the more important part. Understanding characters and their motives is way more important than making sure you only like the "good" characters. That's where the reading comprehension comes in. That's where people can practice and learn to think about how a person's circumstances and environment might influence them. That's where people can explore the fact that "good" and "bad" are overly simplistic terms that really have no business being applied to people; as people can behave in both "good" and "bad" ways...often even within the same day. People are far too diverse in personality and actions to ever be categorized fully into neat little boxes of "good person", "bad person", and that is reflected very well in both Yukio's and Shima's characters.

[witchof-hearts]

my feelings about luffy are so complicated. i love him. i want to be a part of his crew. i want him to like me a whoole lot. i want to stab and hurt and torment him for sexual kicks and obsessive curiosity as to how much suffering he can endure for his friends and his dream. i'm jealous of him. i want to be as strong and unwavering as he is i want to have his unyielding faith in himself. i sometimes think he's beautiful and sometimes think he's hot and sometimes just think he's normal regular. i want to kiss him(?) and fuck him but like, just as friends its not a romance thing that's bad. it's recreational sex. his big goofy grin and his happiness makes me really happy. the thought of being his best friend also makes me really happy to the point i want to squee. i feel sisterly towards him, both little and big. i like seeing him suffer. i hate his grampa for abusing him. i love his childlike wonder and zest for the world partly because its cute and partly because it reminds me of my own wonder. i want everyone to know the ways in which we're similar. i like myself for being giggly or laughy or finding humor in things more now because it reminds me of him. i worry about how he perceives gender because i dont want him to not be right. i want to teach him about sex because it's dangerous for him not to know. i worry about him. i have the utmost faith in him that'll he'll accomplish his dream: he's luffy of course he will. i admire him so very greatly. i know he's a good boy even while he's also a pirate. i love the moments where it's so easy to understand him or know what he's gonna do before he does it even when other people don't get it. i'm jealous of other people for being close to him or knowing more about him than me. i'm jealous when other people talk about him at all. i want everyone to like him. i want to be like him. i have an inferiority complex about him. i worry i'll never consider myself as good as i consider him or that i'm not worthy to think of him as my friend or that i'm not the sort of person he'd let on his crew. i still intend to consider him my friend. i want to dream bigger because of him. i want him to trust me with his hat. i want him to be willing to pet me like a cat. i want him to punch and fight me seriously because the feeling of recognition from that would be like a sexual and emotional high. i want him to spar and playfight with me and teach me how to fight. i want to teach him about queerness and feminism and the stuff i'm passionate about so he can know some truths but also so we can both be each other's teachers. i want to support him. i want to challenge him. i want to see him let himself be weak. i want to ease some of the monstrous burden he's always carrying without devoting myself to him. i want to become free with him. i want to brush his teeth because theres no way he has good dental practice and if hes not gonna do it after i nag him then i guess i'll be the one to prevent him from getting cavities. similarly i want to bathe with him but also because it'd be nice to not have to worry about him being attracted to me because he's asexual. we can be like children playing.

[deusinabsentiaa]

tw: talk of parental abuse (mostly talk of ableist abuse but mentions of physical, religious, and transphobic abuse), mention of past homelessness

I fucking hate living in an ableist household. I'm disabled, my parents are deeply aware of it (they were are my diagnosis meetings) yet they demand that I function and act like an able bodied person and get ANGRY when my disability makes me unable to function. They demand SO MUCH of me when they know I'm struggling just to pretend to be "normal." And that doesn't even mention the religious, transphobic, and physical abuse I'm put through on the regular. I'm exhausted, I'm depressed, it's hard to want to live when you're constantly reminded of how much of a burden you are because of your disability. I'm fully financially dependent on my parents (thanks to my job unfairly firing me last year and the job market making it impossible to get another job), so I'm forced to stay with my ableist abusers until I'm financially stable again or until they decide to kick me out again and I end up living in my car or on a friend's couch (yes, again. It's happened multiple times and almost happened again a month ago).

[hellospriggan]

Hullo. Small life update time. I kind of went into social media hibernation mode earlier this month and temporarily closed my website shop til after the New Year. Also I have pneumonia and ended up in the hospital this week. 🫠 I went to my doctor because I'd had a cough, was feeling better, and then just utterly tanked. I had chills so severe I messed up my back shivering, and my heart rate was 140-200 (60-100 is considered normal) so the doctor called an ambulance.

My EMTs and the hospital staff were all really kind but they are severely overworked and I felt so much sympathy for all of them. The ER was so busy when I was there. I waited about 4 hours for a bed in the ER, then another 8 for a regular bed. I ended up being there a full day until my heart rate went down to normal, got lots of fluids and antibiotics, had so much blood drawn... Yeah.

I'm really glad to be home now and am resting up. It's been a weird experience processing all my emotions. I'm really lucky to have Jarod, and our friends; some came and watched our kids so Jarod could join me at the hospital. I was a little worried the kids would be scared that I was gone, but they knew I was safe so they were fine, and I knew everyone was in good hands.

Last week I felt like I was worried about everything: my house being a mess, getting everything organized for Christmas, a thousand little things. Now I don't give a flying fuck about any of it. I'm working through some sadness at missing out on things that I love doing, like I'm not getting to bake any Christmas cookies this year, or wrap presents. I woke up coughing in the middle of the night and it woke up Jarod, who'd already been up with our daughter half the night after a nightmare, and I had this really crushing feeling for a moment of "I'm just a burden, I should have stayed in the hospital." Had to remind myself that that's not true.

Anyway. I'm just a very small animal, and I'm curled up for now conserving my energy.

TLDR; pneumonia, 0/10, do not recommend

[mister-snake]

I realised I never really got to be the grown-up even after hitting 18, even after leaving the family residence, even after making my own decisions on how to earn money and what field I want to study in. I think I never even ever bothered worrying about my future because I grew up with the mentality that I wouldn't reach my 25 ever since I was in high school. I remember as a kid I got told by m'y girlfriend as a joke that if I didn't kill someone on accident first and got up locked up, I'd probably end up killing myself at some point. Laughing about my own miserable lack of control over my mental health was always easier than working on it. I remember telling myself not to get close to people when I first met them because it was pointless. Building myself a "reputation" to keep people away so it would be easier. My whole path was always so clear, everybody kept telling me about it and I kept reminding it to people. Planning for my eventual fuck up in a cold and rational way. So nothing ever mattered.

What was my point? Right. I never prepared myself to be grown up. Never felt the need to. Took dumb and rash decisions. Didn't bother to manage my mental health, didn't prevent shit. I was always all over the place. Either drunk, high, doing illegal shit, avoiding therapy, avoiding people that cared about me, not caring about myself, not giving myself a chance to actually do something with my life. I never acted as the grown up I'm supposed to be.

I was always all over the place and left other people pick up the pieces. If I even left them. Can't say any of my relationships feel "equal". I often feel like a liability, a burden. Yet, most of these people feel like I don't open up enough, like I'm the complete opposite of too much, not enough to a point where, in the end, I seem cold, distant, careless. The more I care, the more I keep to myself. The more I rely on strangers or people with who I won't feel ashamed to look like an impulsive piece of trash. It's way easier to be gone half the time and distant the other half than to show them how dumb and vulnerable I am. And when I show them and rely on them, it's because I don't really have a choice anymore, I reached the bottom and make it even worse for them.

When your boyfriend has to pick you up at 2am from shady places because you're not able to drive without getting into an accident in your condition. When your friend has to physically force you to stop doing drugs because you're not able to get your shit together on your own and your addiction is screwing up your relationships and life quality. When your best friend has to let you come over unannounced to get drunk and sleep over on a regular basis. When you lose it and hurt someone you care about for something stupid because you're unable to control your emotions and impulsive behaviors. When your coworkers have to let you sleep over at their place because you're too much of a selfish coward to let your boyfriend see you in such a bad condition and you couldn't even look at him in the eyes. When you'd rather lie to people you love or hide parts of yourself rather than to let them see all of you because you hate yourself so much you feel like they couldn't possibly love you as you really are.

I never learned how to handle myself. When I moved out from the family residence, I lived at my boyfriend's place right away. After relying all my childhood on my parents to deal with the teachers and autorities, clean up after my mess and let me get away with everything, I relied on a boyfriend who always forgave all of my mistakes unconditionally. When I became violent, when I got drunk, when I took risks, when I didn't come home for several days, when I couldn't deal with my issues. And when I felt too guilty, I turned to other people. But never did I learn to deal with my issues.

For the first time, I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces on my own. I could go back with the family. I could stay with my boyfriend for a while until I figure it out. But fuck, none of it all feels like home anymore. I'm supposed to deal with it on my own. I can't live at the hotel forever. I can't just leave everything behind to go live somewhere else. I can't keep sleeping at work places. I'm supposed to fix my life like the grown up that I am and be responsible for myself. Without relying on others anymore. That's what people do. But I'm so fucking lost. I realise how dependant I am of others. And I wish I could just start all over on my own but I'm just scared af of being alone. Funny for someone who kept people away all to time just to act dumb and irrational, for someone unable to love themselves if it's not through the eyes of someone else but who can't even share and give the minimum required in a healthy relationship.

I have to figure out what to do with my future, how to fix myself and how to fight for myself. I have no fucking clue what to start with. I don't even know what I want myself. I was always too busy being a sick mess lmao. This was such a brutal shock to realise I have to deal with myself despite the expiration date. xd

[stardust-static]

It's just one of those days.

Those days that are so long and they drag and people let you down, and I miss my fiance like crazy. Just like any regular day he went to work, but while he's been gone some stuff happened and I have been reminded that people really fucking suck sometimes, but also at the same time I have really good people in my life as well, and Bailey is just one of those really good people. He's such a steady and positive force in my life, and today I especially can't wait for him to get home so that I can hold him and kiss him and hear about his day. I'm not even going to get into what happened today. That's tomorrow's burden.. or maybe not. Maybe I leave this issue for now. I just really really miss my Bailey. I cannot wait to see him.

[syubub]

ENERGY CHECKUP: YOONGI (again)

Now, I know I've already done an energy check up on yoon but I wanted to see how he was doing now that he's gotten his shoulder surgery!

Disclaimer time: tarot is not to be takes as fact and is my interpretation if the cards :) entertainment purposes only~

SHIT IS STRANGE (it is Yoongi though so I'm not too shocked)

So. For starters, his energy is pretty calm and chill. He's also a bit more quiet?

I wrote a note that tomorrow is exciting... idk I wrote it down and I'm not sure if its exciting for him or for us? Maybe its just a general like, "tomorrow is a good day" type thing.

Now. 11... I wrote this down and I'm not sure why though I believe that he might be seeing 11:11 on the clock or possibly that something exciting is happening for him at 11:11 (I just checked and thats in like an hour and a half from when I'm writing this down(( update i just finished writing the whole post and it is about 11 minutes away)) idk. I make no promises but I wrote it down so there you go.

I also kept seeing plants and I'm not sure if people got him flowers or plants as a "get well" type thing or maybe he's stressing bc someone has to water his plants lol

Okay. Okay. Hear me out. Black bean noodles. It popped into my head and I was told to write it down but I'm also really hungry so take that with a grain of fucking salt. (I even pictured a nice elaborate bowl that was red as well as the take out container. Yum. Send me noodles)

MOVING ON

Here's the actual reading lol. He is bored.

Thats all. Thank you for coming.

Jk

I joke. The cards give me a kind of frazzled feeling? Its the struggle of knowing hes done something good but it comes at a cost. Yoongi works. A lot. All the goddamn time. So what now? He's having this shake up thats forcing him to deal with stuff. Him having this surgery also may have brought back some less than favorable memories/ feelings that hes being forced to deal with now. Over all though he feels like its good. The 6 of wands makes me think that he's thinking of our response when he comes back. Its like he's gonna be so much more confident in himself and his dancing and he can finally move on from the car accident? It happed so long ago but he literally carried this burden with him. Its good. The wheel of fortune and is about a change and the 8 of swords is about self imposed restriction, imprisonment and over all bad/ negative feelings. I pulled the wheel of fortune first and asked what was changing and that was the 8 of swords. This surgery is helping to free him from this restricting, painful thing that may have been reminding him of the past! YES HEALING

Now. For this section I just kinda asked "whats up?" And got, easy does it, divine life purpose l, balancing masculine and feminine energies and uplift your thoughts. He may be resting but he's got his mind working on 3,000 my dude. Its the regular "yoongi is woke af" bullshit but damn. The cards say what they say. He's preparing. I'll come back to this.

Now the 7 of cups and the 3 of swords. I asked how he felt about missing out on promoting. He's heart broken with the 3 of swords. It genuinely pains him. And with the 7 of cups he might feel like there's a lot of ways this can play out and he's considered a lot of options.

I was curious how he felt about me coming into his energy so I asked him what he thought of me. Lol. These each came out separately. We got, 2 of cups, four of wands, the empress, justice, the magician, the sun and the lovers. Ha

So. To add to the mood setting my guide said "he's a drama queen" lol yeah he is.

So so so so so. I was confused? Still am a little confused but I'm like 80.9% sure that he isn't bothered by me poking around in his energy n shit. In fact my theory is that he's using this connection to his advantage? Lol sounds dumb but my best guess is that home boy sees my energy/ what I'm doing as a way to figure out his own shit? Idk maybe he thinks I'm his energetic therapist. Maybe even a matchmaker (I mean... I have been putting a lot of energy and work into finding/ connecting with his soulmate so maybe he's letting me do all the dirty work) I really don't understand but I got no further explanation.

Oki oki oki. Now. I was drawn to 2 books. The kybalion and the prophet. I asked yoon if there was any messages that we wanted to point out through the books and I got a number for each book so I took it as page numbers. 28 for the prophet and 54 for the kybalion

Take what you will from these if it calls to you. I haven't read these since I was around 13? The sentiments for each felt important to me so I'm curious what you all might think/ feel when reading these? ( I also get the feeling that Yoongi has read the prophet idk why)

Okay. At this point I was like cool, let's wrap this up but I need to talk about his pjs? Green/grey? Plaid pj bottoms don't ask me don't ask me don't ask me I don't know but It wouldn't go away so I had write it down? Help.

I had written yoongis brother down too. Theres something about him? I'm not sure what but thats all I got lol

I was very strongly told that I needed to remember 7, that its important. Got it. Worth it down.

Oki. As I was going back to the platform blah blah blah the string turned blue too. The cord is usually white or silver but it was blue so that was a fun thing and then I was like "nice. Cool. Thanks. This was awesome, get healthy blah blah" and go to leave/ end the connection but the cord wouldn't go away.

???

What.

Then the string (idk if I said but that string shit is like on the third eye? Its connected to my forehead and his too.) Kind tightens.

I'm like, "oh shit."

Listen. Usually everything is smooth and nice and I just leave.

All is well though bc my guide is like, "stop being a little bitch" so I just let it happen.

Yoon shoves me back off the edge of the platform. Why he gotta be like that?

Now. This is strange. I had dropped down into a library.

Y'ALL

I almost shit my fucking pants. Dear god.

THE AKASHIC RECORDS MY DUDE

He started walking me around until he found a blue book. His mother fucking book.

Home boy brought me to his fucking Akashic fucking blue fucking book.

I was big mad. "YOU LITTLE FUCKER! YOUVE KNOWN ABIUT THIS SHIT?" And he was like, "duh"

I've never felt more disrespect lol

Also the way the library was presented was way way way different from how it looks to me. So thats an interesting note. Looking at his book, on the base of the spine is a number 7...

Oki. Cool. I asked if I could look and he said, "Sure, when you can find your way back."

This mother fucker threw me out of a meditative state. Have you ever woken up just before you hit the ground in one of those falling dreams? THAT WAS THE FEELING.

?? I'm not sure what the fuck just happened or if it holds actual significance.

Anyway. After cursing the fuck out of yoobi I started thinking what else 7 ment.

I was specifically told to remember 7 and it was on his book. Then It popped into my head (I want to say its because I'm smart and thought of it all by myself but I think that was my guide wanting me to keep my last brain cell safe). What is yoongis life path number?

Now I don't know shot about life path numbers but imma read up on them tonight. I used a life path calculator on Google. HIS LIFE PATH NUMBER IS 7 Y'ALL.

Maybe I'm dumb as fuck but yoobi never disappoints.

Conclusion: Yoon is fine. Hes just being a yoongi and a yoongi does.

⬆️Me after this reading⬆️

⬆️ Yoongi rn playing 12D chess⬆️

[edengarden]

Hai hai~ I'm back at it again but can I get a regular BNHA match up? 👉👈

In case you don't remember:

I'm a straight female, 5ft and 110lbs. I have short black hair and dark brown eyes. I'm slight on the chubby side as well. I'm in between pale and light brown skinned. I'm a pure Filipino and I have prescription glasses. I've often been called a "soft girl" but I really don't have a certain styles. My clothes are often t-shirts, off-shoulders, (of multiple color and style) and any type jeans. Hoodies and jackets are a must in winter season.

I'm often described as a chaotic motherly type of person. I love to tease others but it's not often. I can be loud and obnoxious at times but I prefer to stay quiet. My patience is very long and I don't get annoyed easily. I'm a really observant person, so I'm able to pick up emotional cues, habits, and body language. I use that to check on people I care about. I try to act tough and strong so I would be a role model, since I'm the oldest child. I also tend to suppress my emotions and even fake them just so no one would be burden of me. I do share them if I trust you enough. I can also be really insecure about my abilities and looks.

I usually listen to pop or ballad but I like almostvall types of music. Songs like IDK you yet by Alexander23 or This is gospel by Panic at the disco are some of my favorite. My star sign is Cancer but I don't really believe it but I love learning about it. I'm an INFP-T (The dreamer) and my Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw! I love learning and doing new things. Science is my favorite subject, specifically Biology/Zoology. I sing and write stories as a hobby.

Thanks bub~ 💕

BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE WHITE VANS- sorry I’ll stop

Oldest child vibes, I fucking feel you bro. You don’t wanna be a burden to parents/family bc you feel that your younger sibling(s) should be able to get help/support before you and shit. I. Feel. That. On a universal level.

I’d match you up with Mirio!

It’s such a wholesome couple?? I mean wow??

Mirio is so energetic and Out There, but even then he sort of has this vibe around him that allows you to shine through as well, no matter how loud and radiant he is. He’s all like BIG TALK YAY SUBJECT SUBJECT- oh you wanna say something he felt it he saw it in the way you shuffled and the corner of your eye twitched and your aura- yes he’s totally in agreement with you, those are facts wow you’re so smart??

The few moments where you match his loud and obnoxious persona are pure gold?? But in public they can be dangerous because the two of you WILL scare some people by accident but hey you’re having fun so who’s gonna be mad at you for having fun??

Mirio does have a selfless streak, and he really, really gets the feeling you might have yourself, as the eldest of the family, but he will NEVER let you demote yourself to second priority. Will constantly remind you that you should always put yourself first. Also leads that by example. He may not even be AWARE of your issues at first, but he feels it. He’s quite good at reading a room and he’s patient; his laid-back and optimistic attitude is really a plus when it comes to your relationship. You’ll never get a single malicious vibe from him.

It’s also great that you’re good at reading people too, because when Mirio feels down, his first instinct isn’t to come to you for help, purely because he doesn’t want to put even more pressure on you, even if it’s to help him. With some good communication though, things will be more than okay. As a team, nothing can stop you!

Songs!!!

- Fight from the Inside, Queen

- As the World Falls Down, David Bowie

- Never Let Me Down, David Bowie

- High Hopes, Panic! At the Disco

[scarsound]

Someone on Facebook asked what they can do as a caucasian individual who’s experiencing allyship burnout but doesn’t wanna give up on fighting the good fight against racism - and all I see as a response to stuff like this is “try harder - do better!”

While I do believe that to be true, I also believe that statement - in itself - is just RIDDLED with guilt... And guilt should never be a driving force unless it’s toward repentance... and even then, the driving force ought to be love. So here’s my advice to any of you wondering the same thing:

As a POC, firstly I wanna say thank you so much for your willingness to stand in solidarity with us. It means more than you know

(To y’all who being salty I’m saying thank you bc I mean it and bc I’m tired of the holier-than-thou statement of “you shoulda known better before - I’m not thanking you for the bare minimum.” Oh for fucks sake show some grace. The human race is full to the brim with sin and we all need Jesus okay? Be fucking nice... not everything is meant to be taken as an offensive statement :/)

Secondly, as a person who often does not have the privilege to ignore things like discrimination I gotta tell you burnout is a very regular occurrence and it's something that you learn to expect - and as you learn to expect it, you learn how to cope.

I can't escape my reality as an afrolatina, but I can centre myself and remember that it's not all up to me. I'm a believer in Christ so I believe that my shoulders were never made to carry every single burden - only the ones God gave to me. So I would encourage you firstly to do whatever you can in the areas you're gifted in; don't try to drive in every lane.

Thirdly, get off of social media just as regularly as you go on it and centre yourself. I know that may seem redundant bc social media is where we get a lot of information, but take regular breaks and centre yourself in the moment. It's okay to laugh and let loose and to have a little fun - you need to relieve stress. Doing so doesn't suddenly make you not an ally anymore! Don't be led to solidarity with us through guilt; be led to it because you want to see a world in which POC (black people especially) can laugh and enjoy themselves without fear. Let the joy that is being poured into you be a beautiful reminder of what it is that you're hoping everyone can experience... know that it'll help bring about a goodness and a peace that has been absent for way too long. <3

I hope this helps

[purecamp]

Hi, I have a question about your mamma mia au! Is Pat dead on Here I Go Again? Because I was thinking that if she passed away before higa, Sharon and Willam would attend the funeral right? Wouldn't Sharon bring Trixie too? Wouldn't Willam go talk to her and get suspicious about Trixie? Is this me subtly asking you to write an oneshot about it just because I'm not ready to let go of this universe and also wanting you to write more Shillam? 😂

ahaha anon this tickled me tbh. first of all thanks for the love (!!!), so i’ll try to answer in parts

-unfortunately she has passed before higa because she would be 113, which is possible but... unlikely ahaha -ive been debating this since waaaay before u asked me bc its something i thought about a lot, like would sharon bring trixie or not? would she even go? lots 2 think about, decisions decisions -i would write oneshots for you in a second. plz feel free to request them at any time omg

anyway, i guess i’m gonna give it a go here! 

She was a good age, Sharon knew that. Spritely in nature right up until her last moments, Patricia Belli passed away in her retirement home at the age of ninety six.

Her letter had arrived in the post; a short and not-so-sweet note letting Sharon know that if she received this letter, then she had died, and the nursing home staff had actually honoured her request of them to send it to her. Somewhat of a doting grandma - owing to the fact that Sharon had no idea what Pat would be to Trixie if she even was related - she had attached some plastic-wrapped sweets and lollipops.

God, this was going to be difficult. On top of having to close the hotel, at least for a day whilst she attended the funeral, Sharon was going to have to explain the concept of dying to her three-year-old girl, who thought the world was nothing but sparkles and sunshine.

And that was without slotting in time for her own grief. In four years, Pat had transformed Sharon’s life, and she owed her everything.

Times like these were when Sharon wished she had a little bit of help. She needed to cry and sniff and weep into somebody, to wallow in the horrible feeling of finally being alone in the world with herself as the only adult to rely on. She needed to continue working in order to stay alive, and keep her home paid for and her daughter fed. She needed to sit down and explain to Trixie than Nana Pat was gone, and she wouldn’t be coming back. She needed someone else to bundle her up for once and tell her it was all going to be okay.

“You alright?” Maria broke her out of her thoughts, tapping her as she went past behind the bar to fetch a few more bottles of ale.

Sharon grabbed a rag and continued drying up the glasses - Maria had offered to extend the hotel into her bar, meaning Sharon now managed a hotel and taverna in one. “Yeah, just... Can’t believe she’s gone, you know? I always felt like Pat was gonna live forever.”

Maria nodded. “It will be strange, we miss her around here. She was regular for many years at this taverna. Party held here after the service, in her honour.”

“She’d like that. Everyone getting drunk for her.” She sighed, her eyes filling with tears. “I don’t want to have to tell Trix. She’s only young, after all.”

Shrugging, Maria offered a kindly smile. “Brave and strong, like her mother. Even if teeny tiny.”

Despite her heavy heart, Sharon laughed.

---

“Mama! You’re here!”

The same cheerful greeting that Sharon was met with every afternoon came at her once again, lifting her low mood a little. A flurry of pink shot towards her, Sharon noting a smudge of blue paint on her face and some scuffs on her shoes from a day of playing before she was tackled in a huge hug.

“I’m here, little pumpkin. Did you have a good day?”

“The best!” Trixie trilled. “We did painting, and running, and I played dolls with Kimmy and Pearl showed me how to draw hearts!”

Ever-suffering, her preschool teacher was stood by the door to the classroom, her gaze tired but still warm as her last student clung to her mom. It wasn’t too often that Sharon was last to pick up her little girl, but it happened enough that she knew to just sit Trixie down with some colouring and leave her to it. Today, the grief had slowed Sharon down, and she was behind on most of her maintenance.

“Sounds fun! Now, are we walking out of here or is mama carrying you all the way home?”

Trixie took a moment to think about it, before smushing her face into Sharon’s neck. “Mama carries me home.”

Sharon sighed, figuring that she needed to keep Trixie happy if she was going to deliver such bad news. “Okay, just this once. Say bye bye, now!”

“Bye bye, Miss Coulée!”

Just Sharon’s luck, the walk was roughly long enough for them to discuss the subject. She was careful not to let her own emotions influence Trixie’s too much, knowing that a sobbing little girl would be much harder to console when she herself wanted nothing more than to break down in someone’s arms. Curious and a little confused, she asked a few questions which Sharon tried her best to answer, all while avoiding the term “Heaven”. It felt like she’d done an okay job, all things considered, but the fact that she had to do it alone meant she was more than nervous. This wasn’t going to traumatise her into therapy as an adult... she hoped.

“Will she miss me?”

Fuck, this kid was tugging at every single one of Sharon’s heartstrings. It didn’t seem possible that she had been the one to give life to something so goddamn cute.

“Nana Pat? I’m sure she will miss you, baby. And we’ll miss her, too.” Sharon took a deep breath. “But she’s still with us, isn’t she? Because we remember her, and we always have our memories.”

Trixie nodded thoughtfully. She had begged and begged to sit on Sharon’s shoulders, so now she idly played with loose strands of her hair, the messy bun practically ruined from the day’s work anyway.

“But she won’t come back because she’s too old.”

The child-like ability to make the most innocent and heartbreaking of things funny was one that Sharon hoped Trixie held onto forever. Even with her own heavy sadness, she giggled slightly.

“That’s right, bubba.”

A pause. “Are you sad, mama?”

Sharon nodded infinitesimally, trying not to trigger her tears. “Lots of people will be sad. When we go to the funeral on Saturday, there will be lots of sad people wearing black who all love Nana Pat very much. Will you promise me to be a really good girl and just sit quietly with me? We don’t want to disturb anyone.”

Trixie leaned forwards, pressing her lips to the top of Sharon’s head in an awkward, well-meaning kiss. “I’ll be good.”

---

She was golden. Sharon had done all her crying in the morning, before Trixie scrambled into her bed, and she was relieved at how easily her toddler had gone along with everything. Getting herself dressed had been a breeze; she even tried brushing her own hair, which was unsuccessful but nevertheless touching. Trixie then scampered off to play whilst Sharon got ready, giving her a few more moments alone.

Smoothing down her skirt, she examined herself in the mirror. An uncomfortable possibility had dawned on her that night, as she tried to sleep, and it made her unbelievably nervous. After all, he was her great-nephew...

She didn’t look that different than the day they met, surely? But yet, staring at herself, Sharon started realizing how little she resembled that girl already. Only four years had passed, near enough, and at twenty one and a mom, there was almost nothing to anchor this version of herself to the similarly-burdened yet unrealistically carefree seventeen-year-old that Willam had known.

Her hips were wider now, one of the few permanent modifications that Trixie had given her, and for all her low income meant a reduced diet, there was still the remains of a post-baby pouch that stubbornly remained. Black dresses were slimming, Sharon reminded herself, not that the rest of her needed it, but she hoped it was enough that if Willam did see her, he wouldn’t notice anything different.

That being said, he was a man. The little things didn’t matter. The living, squirming three-year-old, however...

Sharon sighed and relaxed, not bothering to try and suck in her stomach like she had before. Willam definitely wouldn’t notice it, he’d be too busy staring at Trixie. The human that he might’ve helped her create. That she had opted not to tell him about. Even though she had an easy way to do so via his now deceased great-aunt.

Fuck.

They made their way up to the little old chapel on the island in good time. Pat knew and loved her home more than anything, so relatives had been flocking from around the world to a tiny chapel on a tiny island out in Greece. It was a difficult walk, and with every step Sharon had to face that she really was in this alone now.

Not wanting to intrude in spite of her invite, Sharon slipped into a pew at the back and bowed her head, clutching Trixie in her lap as more of a comfort than anything else. Thankfully, as more and more people filed in, Trixie seemed to sense that her mama was upset, and quietly played with her flamingo teddy.

He was one of the last to walk in, of course - he would have to make an entrance. Swaggering in, his expression mostly calm, and his sheer confidence was highly inappropriate for a funeral and god if Sharon didn’t sound like her fucking mother. He was young and hot and the swagger seemed to be a Belli thing, because no one paid him any attention. Somewhere, whether in heaven or in her coffin, Sharon knew Pat was cackling with laughter.

And, of course, he just had to speak too. Sharon lifted her head a tiny bit to watch him, trying to ensure his gaze didn’t flicker onto her.

“So many kind things have been said about my dear great aunt today, and whilst it has warmed my heart I’m here to undo it all.” Willam started, filling the room with soft laughter. “Rest in peace, Granny Pat. You were old as fuck, but we’ll miss your rottenness. She had an ego bigger than mine and a liver bigger than Dad’s, and she was the life of the party. We love you, Pat.”

Everything about him was so familiar. Sharon tried not to think about it, but her mind was flooded with him. He didn’t look different at all, but she supposed LA had treated him well. Tanned and charming as ever, he seemed to woo his family as easily as he had seduced her into bed with him... or at least, that was how Sharon chose to remember it.

This was going to be a long day.

---

In all honesty, Sharon didn’t go out much anymore. It came with the territory of being a full-time parent and hotel owner-manager-chef-bartender-maid, but she was tired almost all the time. When Raja and Jinkx came over she made exceptions, but on a day-to-day basis, once Trixie was in bed, Sharon was exhausted from exerting herself to make sure she could even be finished and home in time for Trixie’s bedtime story. So, being out in the taverna in the late evening?

Unbearable.

As soon as everyone came in, Maria offered to take Trixie and keep her entertained behind the bar - which probably wasn’t the most responsible choice Sharon had made as a mom, but she knew Maria would take good care of her as she always did, and insisted she needed to mingle.

Mingling was the last thing on her mind, but she reluctantly grabbed a drink and tried to remain casual in a room full of strangers. After all, none of them knew who she was. None of them knew what Pat meant to her, and everything the daft old woman had done for her. None of them knew that without Pat, it was likely that her beloved daughter would’ve been given up for adoption and Sharon would’ve had to return home to her mother with her tail between her legs. Pat had made it possible for her to live, and as rough as it was, it was nice to be self-sufficient at twenty one.

“Hey! I thought it was you! Hi blondie!”

Sharon clutched her glass a little tighter and turned around slowly. “Forgot my name already?”

There he was, right next to her, having made his way across the room with bright eyes and a shiny grin. LA really had treated him well.

“You’re unforgettable, Sharon, don’t play me like that.” Willam teased. “Good to see you again. I knew goodbye wouldn’t last forever.”

Sharon scowled, but it didn’t last. “Hence why I said we wouldn’t have one.”

“Good point.” He gestured to her glass. “Vodka?”

She shook her head. “Just coke.”

“Pffft. Boring. Pat would want you to have some vodka. Or gin. Or both.”

Rolling her eyes, Sharon took a sip from her decidedly non-alcoholic drink. “I have responsibilities to take care of, I can’t just get drunk.”

As she spoke, her gaze went searching through the throng of people, praying Trixie wasn’t about to run over and squeeze her legs in a damning cuddle. To her relief, she was that she was balanced on Maria’s hip, happily giggling away with her out of Willam’s eyeline.

“We’re twenty one, Shar, and you haven’t seen me forever. Live a little!” Willam encouraged. “Seriously though, it’s good to see you. I didn’t know if you would still be here or if you still saw Pat around. It’s nice to see a face that I know she’d be happy to see, too. She hated most of the people here.”

God, the past tense. Sharon tried not to well up.

“You’re the only face here I know.” She admitted, her voice thick. “I feel a bit lost, honestly. If I didn’t have work, I’d be doing shots to loosen up.”

Willam laughed at that. “Right! I’m glad you know my face, at least. Familiar face, familiar arms, familiar chest, familiar d-”

“Stop!” Sharon shrieked, giggling in spite of herself. “Your great aunt has just died and you’re talking about our teenage sex? You’re disgusting.”

He shrugged. “I’m a Belli, it runs in the family. All this nonsense about her living to a ripe old age... please. She wasn’t ripe, she was rotten. It’s why we love her so.”

Sharon chuckled appreciatively. “I’m gonna miss her.”

“Me too. She’d be glad to see us brought back together, though.”

“Yeah. Although I’m not gonna sleep with you again.”

Willam’s laugh was a little too loud, attracting some disgruntled murmurs from surrounding family members. “Welp, there goes my weekend plans.”

It was surprisingly nice, talking to Willam. As much as Sharon had been terrified that the first topic of conversation would be them, and it would inevitably lead to a confession, they fell into a fleeting friendship as easily as they had four years ago. Determined to keep things light, Sharon steered away from her work or home life as they talked, but it was still nice to catch up.

That being said, she also kinda never wanted to see him again. Nothing personal, just... for Trixie’s sake, she had closed that chapter of her life and under no circumstances would she be reopening it. Not now, not in twenty years, not ever.

“I assume you’re breaking into stardom in Hollywood, right? I’ll be seeing you on movie posters?” 

He laughed. “A star is born, baby. Keep your eyes open. And you, are you taking to the stage now you’re away from your bitch of a mom?”

Sharon shook her head. “Nah. I don’t... I don’t have time anymore. And with the girls gone, too...”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t need them. And we should sing together again sometime, too.”

At that, Sharon sighed. “There’s nothing keeping you here, Willam, not now she’s gone. We had fun, but... there’s no point holding onto that. I got over my exes, I have to keep living and so do you.”

Willam nodded. “A goodbye without a goodbye. I get it. It’s difficult, but we have to let go.”

Yeah, Sharon told herself. In more ways than one.

“It’s not a personal thing, you know I care about you as a friend-”

“I know.” Willam told her. “I care about you too. But I get it.”

He pulled her into a hug. “Needles, take care of yourself. You’re skinny, take advantage of the free food. Fall in love. Make music. Do things to make you happy. You deserve that.”

Speechless, Sharon could only nod as he held her. “I can tell you’re ready to leave, so I’ll say goodbye now. You’re a one of a kind, okay? Keep going, angel thighs.”

Pfft. The old parody nickname - trust Willam to remember that.

“Thank you, Willam.”

---

Trixie was fast asleep in Sharon’s arms. Her warm weight had settled comfortably into her as she walked home, and Sharon relished in the way her sweet daughter could fill her aching heart so perfectly. Her blonde curls were messy, just like her own were as a child, and she was completely tuckered out.

Her adorable girl had little outfits, a bedroom of her own and a roof over her head all thanks to the love and kindness of one foul-mouthed, gin-loving lady. As the sun started setting, Sharon realized she owed another Belli a lifetime of gratitude.

“Thank you, Pat.”

[x0401x]

not to sound harsh but tsurune's seiya has always seemed kinda boring and annoying, and kaito seems to be hysterical, not like the regular characters having anger issues/being over emotional(especially after the last ep), and the anime makes absolutely no effort to explain anything behind that kind of behaviour. so i'm wondering how they were portrayed in the novel and whether they were the same ppl they're in the anime. maybe it's just me seeing them that way so sorry in advance

It's okay, Anon. And sorry for taking long to reply. This is a bit complicated to answer.

I'll be honest with you: the anime doesn't make any effort to explain their behavior because there's no reason for it. KyoAni has been showing since the beginning that they're torn between canon and their own original content. It feels like they use mostly their own visions of how the characters should be rather than depicting them for what they really are, and only drop a few hints of canon when they come to a point where they'd be changing the story far too much if they continued pushing original content onto the story. It's inconsistent and many things are left unexplained due to it. Not just about the storyline but also about the characters, who have been reduced to stereotypes of their positions in the line-up. I think this problem is especially prominent in anime!Seiya, so I'll start with Kaito.

I totally agree with you that he's being hysterical in the anime. I think this isn't even up for debate. He literally yells in every episode he appears, orders everyone around as if he's the captain and overall acts prickly in completely uncalled-for moments.

Novel!Kaito isn't like that. He's actually pretty pure-hearted, which is why he gets heated from time to time. If anything, his problem isn't what the anime is trying to sell. It's not that he doesn't care about the rest as long as the results show. Instead, he cares too much about every little detail, and this is where he becomes overbearing. He does long for teammates, yet he fears not reaching the best results with them. But he's rational and observant. He's good at grasping the true nature of people and has sound judgment and intuition, so the conflicts that have him at the center are surprisingly easy to resolve.

This bitch ain't empty; he's too full.

Kaito is also good at taking care of others. He's always doing things for Nanao basically because he's too nice at the core, and he's pretty weak to dealing with the people he acknowledges or is close to. For example, his threats are always empty when they're directed at Masaki, and he always obeys Seiya no matter what his state of mind is. This part of him is actually more important than the anime gave credit for, because of Seiya, specifically. He's always looking after everyone and wears himself out a lot worrying about Minato, and the one who looks after him is normally Kaito.

And while we're at it, I must add that he's... strangely possessive of Seiya. I say strangely because don't know if this is supposed to be a character trait of his or if it's just with Seiya, but so far, he's been the only character who has made Kaito manifest this side of him. It happens fairly often.

Other than this, Kaito is an absolute bow nerd. He's far more knowledgeable than he seems, and the way he stans Masaki is different. It's less obsession and more credibility, I'd say. Kaito is very down to Earth and takes what he learns seriously. He doesn't buy fights with Kirisaki, doesn't get fixated on bow-turning and doesn't yell at every opportunity.

As for Seiya, he's one of the most complex characters in the Tsurune novel, in my opinion. He's extremely serious and calculating, yet he ironically is always making plans for the sake of very sentimental motives. He's got this strong sense of righteousness that often seems to remind him of what's fair, so he burdens himself with things that are sometimes completely unnecessary but are what you'd expect from a person of ridiculously strong morals.

I haven't really seen the anime display this, but Seiya is a great leader. Other than clearly being the most responsible of the group, he also holds authority amongst the members. You'd normally expect this from an outgoing character, but Seiya has a strong sense of presence in the club. When he speaks, they listen.

It's not like this is written in the novel anywhere, but he also strikes me as someone who hates not having the upper hand in any situation. Not exactly that he's a sore loser, because he can stand defeat, since he's a realist who obviously knows that he is humanly imperfect. What he apparently can't handle very well is disadvantage. He can get really petty when feeling offended or devalued in any way, and his words drip with venom whenever he gets angry. The flame of rage in this little bastard burns blue and it gives nasty-ass burns. I think he only loses to Eisuke in that aspect. He lets the salt show when he argued with Minato and through his habit of declaring that he will "deliver punishment" to whoever rubs him on the wrong spot. But even more often than the aforementioned, he lets it show when sassing the hell out of Kaito whenever Kaito hits bull's-eye regarding the shit he tries so hard to hide.

As you can see, they're very different from their animated counterparts. The stereotypes about their character archetypes are sometimes maintained, sometimes turned upside-down, and that's what makes them interesting. (Also, I don't know if you were able to tell that they sort of complement each other, but the author ain't trying to hide it at all.)

I fucking love these kids.

[shattered-glass-system]

It's Min. Like usual.

I'm in pain. My entire torso hurts. I hope my doctor won't be like "potentially everything is broken. You need to go to the ER."

I feel useless. So useless. Like a burden.

At least I played my part and asked our abuser for a loan. Like... This body is starving. I barely am able to eat anyway, but if there's nothing left that could be eaten, then it gets bad.

I'll see where we are currently hanging out, but it's def still crowded. Me, Xho, Isa, Claire, Logan. Potentially Marc and Xena somewhere in the back (I can hear them fighting)

Please fix me... Take the pain away.

I had to watch Yuri doing everything today. And I just wanted to die. I'm fucking useless if I can't even get household chores done anymore.

Xho is out a lot. Would wish she would be out even more. I need her, she reminds me of my past self, but one that wasn't that broken. I was still able to feel happiness on a semi regular basis back then too ...