colorlessrose

[colorlessrose]

This morning, I woke up with significant neck/shoulder pain. But I felt good. I felt happy. I went out and stood in the sunshine and took full deep breaths of spring air and felt content. I came home to my beloved partner and beamed at how much I love her.

By evening, it was gone. The hope, the optimism, the mental peace, gone.

And my shoulder still fucking hurts.

I can never just have one nice thing. There's always an asterisk. There's always a caveat. There's always a "but." There's always a clock ticking.

At this point I would rather just be miserable all the time. The crash after a moment of joy isn't. Fucking. Worth it.

[colorlessrose]

yeah alcohol is cool but have you ever been someone's first choice? me neither. pass the bottle.

[colorlessrose]

I cannot have ONE GOOD FUCKING THING

My job is going to fire me, I know it. My manager texted me saying they won't need me tomorrow. And refused to give me a reason. That has NEVER happened on a day we have patients. We barely have enough staff. HOW ON EARTH could they not need me.

There's no way that's not because they're gonna fire me. I can't fucking go through being unemployed again. I can't do it.

[colorlessrose]

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

[colorlessrose]

[colorlessrose]

i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again i will never open up again.

[colorlessrose]

STOP GETTING SO COMFORTABLE YOU DROP YOUR MASK

STOP GETTING SO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED YOU GET OVERWHELMED

STOP WANTING TO FIX EVERYTHING SO MUCH YOU GET OVERSTRESSED

STOP!!! HAVING!!!! EMOTIONS!!!!!!

[colorlessrose]

Once my cat goes, I am done. I'm planting that flag firmly.

She's 15. It could be tomorrow, it could be another 6 years.

I vow that I will take care of her as best as I can and I will not try to expedite that for my own sake. She deserves to live a happy life. She's been with me through so much, I owe her at least that.

But when she moves on, I am too. I truly, deeply, painfully cannot do this anymore.

[colorlessrose]

Why am I so emotionally wounded by my partner, with whom I am in an open relationship and who has been excited for me when I get laid by someone else, telling me about her plans to get laid

Why do I still feel like I deserve her first

Why does she want to fuck other people but never me

[colorlessrose]

I’d like to believe that in another life I could be loved

[colorlessrose]

[colorlessrose]

[colorlessrose]

I can never go back

[colorlessrose]

I am chronically ill and life is a constant cycle of "is this new problem something I can do something about, or is this just my life now?"

[colorlessrose]

I am alone and I have always been alone and I will always be alone and I will die alone

[colorlessrose]

I was complaining about how difficult it can be to feed yourself sometimes, and wishing there was like a nutrition slurry you could just buy and consume so you don't have to worry about deciding and prepping and cooking and all of it

My partner was agitated I was complaining about it called it a "nothing" problem

[colorlessrose]

Of course she doesn't actually want me, why would she

I want to just leave and get my own place but I know I couldn't afford it

I'm so fucking tired of existing