colorlessrose

[colorlessrose]

So the new adhd meds haven't made a gigantic difference in my brain

But it definitely makes me less hungry

We take those W's

[colorlessrose]

I did my best to be lovable.

[colorlessrose]

When Fall Out Boy said

[colorlessrose]

[colorlessrose]

i don’t know how i constantly forget that everything is my fault

[colorlessrose]

-I've been off work from my office job for almost a month

-I've been in an IOP program for almost 3 weeks

-my antidepressant dose was upped 2 weeks ago

-i started adhd meds 2 days ago

-I finally got laid and then got told she doesn't want to do it again anytime soon (for her own reasons)

-I lost my other job (that I liked way more and wanted to stay at really badly)

And yet here I am, laying in bed, thinking about how much easier it would be if I didn't exist anymore

[colorlessrose]

EVERY GODDAMN TIME!!!!!!!

I finally found someone that likes me and wanted to have sex with me. It was amazing.

And now she's asking to not be physical again because of her body dysmorphia.

I can't be mad at her, it's not her fault, and I respect her listening to herself

But GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I finally find something good and I can't even have that for a second

I know this seems so petty but it's really a huge gut punch

[colorlessrose]

Every goddamn time

Every time I get my hopes up they're crushed

Why do I still try!! Why am I doing any of this!! Why am I still here!!

[colorlessrose]

You know what would it be so great right now? A lobotomy

[colorlessrose]

Tw sfx makeup not real

.

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.

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Whoops I relapsed again

[colorlessrose]

[colorlessrose]

[colorlessrose]

This year alone I have had countless potential friends or lovers abandon me.

Tons of getting ghosted after one or two conversations.

Four times getting ghosted from someone I hung out with more than twice and thought we were building something.

Three times point-blank told that they don't want me to contact them anymore.

It's really starting to feel like the problem is me

[colorlessrose]

I am one minor inconvenience away from quitting my jobs and burying myself alive

Or at least sitting in the shower for several hours and taking a depression nap for 4 days

Maybe I need a grippy sock vacation

[colorlessrose]

I want to just cut my fat fucking stomach off with a fucking knife

Why is my shitty fucking body like this

[colorlessrose]

If I don't make new friends, I can't be disappointed when they ghost me.

If I don't make plans, I can't be sad when they get cancelled.

If I don't seek out reassurance and companionship, I can't be depressed when I don't get it.

It's easier.

[colorlessrose]

I feel like I'm going genuinely actually insane

I can feel my heartbeat too much and it's making me angry

I'm so alone i can feel a hole in my chest and it fucking hurts

I'm scared