#regardless of whether they meant to do that or not
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gay-dorito-dust · 3 days ago
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Geta’s kisses were strong, possessive as though he was intentionally making himself envious of the idea that your lips had been touched by another before him.
His hand could be found at your neck more often than not, squeezing it now and then as though to remind you of who was the more dominate one out of the two of you, his thumb would even caress the pulse on your neck to see whether he was doing things that made your heart work a little harder.
His kisses were hot and soft at the same time. yet firm and had a way of leaving you a little breathless afterwards. He’s a man that has everything and yet he still heavily influenced by human greed and desire for even more, so much more despite controlling an already dominating empire.
So to say his kisses weren’t also demanding for more and more of you was an understatement as he would always find the need to deepen the kiss, invade your mouth with his tongue after demanding entrance before taking complete control. His kisses didn’t allow you to be in control anytime at all, for Geta always needs to be in content power no matter what for he doesn’t like the feeling of being weak or easily overthrown in anything.
Yet let’s say after an almost successful assassination attempt on either of your lives, Geta’s kisses become more of a celebration of living, a reminder that you were both still alive despite what the gods chose to throw at you and how you both continue to thrive regardless. His kisses were also ones of relief that his reign got to continue but also that you weren’t taken from him unceremoniously, not that he would ever admit it to you but he wasn’t quiet ready to give you up just yet, not when he was heavily indulging on the taste of your lips and how nicely you slot against him.
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Caracalla’s kisses were bruising and felt rough, rushed as though he was running out of time and he wanted to taste every last part of you before so, even if meant suffering through his harsh bites to your bottom lip and causing it to bleed somewhat before slipping his tongue in.
His kisses left your lips aching and had a lingering tingling feeling of pain, it made you wonder if the man smiling before you was capable of a softer and less intense way to express his innermost passion and love. He was, it was just extraordinary rare that you were led to believe you married a man whose only emotions was sadistic and lustful.
Yet on the rare one off occasion where he’d be feeling soft and affectionate his kisses became soft, almost featherlight, and tender as he scattered them across your jaw, neck and collar bone as though he was eagerly chasing after something as you ran your fingers through his fiery hair in content. His kisses were almost desperate to keep you with him, to remind you that he was the one you married and dedicated yourself to despite his inherent chaos.
He tries to prolong the kisses as much as possible as they varied from moment to moment depending on his emotions and where his minds was in during the kisses. So with Caracalla you were subjected to more lustful, ravenous, carnivorous as though he was trying to devour you or make you into one being through deepened kisses and painful looking love-bites that left you wincing upon grazing them.
His kisses were like fire but you couldn’t help but grow addicted to it and the sting that came from his teeth digging into your bottom lip, he wasn’t good for you and yet you couldn’t help but become more and more convinced through every kiss that you could help him, become his solace and safe space; yet you knew deep down that would never be the case but yet his kisses made you all the more ignorant to his more dangerous capabilities in other aspects as though he was slowly corrupting you with each and every kiss.
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quarterlifekitty · 3 days ago
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i am still ruminating on fantasy aus and i'm SICK thinking of potioner soap and his little woods witch???? also soap is an orc and i will not be taking questions at this time.
he's lived away from his clan for a long time because, although his immediate family were always fine, most of the orc community is more than a bit weird about a warrior who chooses to painstakingly brew up a weapon instead of using his club. they never seemed to here that there was no instead of-- soap like boom, whether that's from a nice piece of hornbeam connecting with skull or the flare of an incendiary potion. regardless, he'd struck out on his own about as soon as he could. he fell into the king's contracted mercenaries after meeting the rest of the 141 in a tavern fight. weirdly, your average human or elf wasn't MORE tolerant than any of the orcs who'd picked on him back home, and so he'd often found himself in scraps to defend the meager but hard-earned respect he had won. price was impressed with his work, even more by the feral grin that showed off his tusks as blood dripped from the wound above his brow. it was the first time since he'd left his ma's hearth that he'd had kinship, and a home base. in between quests, he'd found a comfortable (if not permanent) lodging in a decently sized town on the outer edge of the central regions of the kingdom, next to a forest known as the pleasant wilds.
one thing soap had always longed for in his time as a nomad was a consistent source for ingredients. potions are testy things, even more so when they're meant to eventually explode, and soap had lost many a fine eyebrow to herbs harvested from poor soil or fur clipped from a beast who was too angry (or, conversely, not angry enough). so imagine his delight when he comes across a stall in the weekly market stocked with waxy, plump rosemary, bee venom still buzzing with the force of its progenitor, even a small sign advertising moon-gathered ingredients with evening delivery so that they wouldn't lost their potency. it was as he was eyeing a few sprigs of dried valerian that the second thing he'd always longed for had popped up behind the counter.
his first impression of the witch of the woods was that she was far too fragile of a little human to be running her stall alone. her kind, bright eyes and curious smile were far too gentle to protect against the thieves and ruffians common to a large market like this one. and so he'd made his purchase and lingered, as unobtrusive as one could be at his size as he perused the other stalls. the dull thunk of a knife connecting with wood had him turning back towards her booth, just in time to watch blood pour from the now tacked-down hand of a pickpocket trying to steal some of the more high value goods on display. she'd tsked, ignoring the shrieking, writhing thief as she tutted over her ruined stock. it was as the town guards had carried the wounded criminal away, though, that johnny had fallen in love. the little witch had offered him some blood soaked stock for free, wondering aloud what the herbs might do with the addition of a little vital fluid.
johnny had quickly come to trust her above any other supplier-- she only sold ingredients in season, freshly harvested under ideal conditions. it had taken two months worth of shopping to work his way into something he'd consider friendship (best believe he counted), another two to work his way up to being "johnny" instead of 'tav to her. after his third quest since knowing her, she'd leapt from behind her counter to throw her arms around his neck. he'd been shocked (and horny!) about the strength of her grip. it wasn't until he'd helped carry her wares back to her cottage in the wilds that he saw why-- five beehives, brimming, as she told him, with soon to be harvested honey; plot after plot of lovingly tended herbs, and flowers besides ("just because i think they're nice" she'd told him, affectionately stroking the petals of a marigold by the door); a pile of firewood halfway up the wall of the house-- and only her to do all of it! he was simultaneously proud and sick, the thought of his little witch out here on her own, breaking her back when he'd be perfectly happy to do all of this work on her behalf (and make sure her back hurt if it was really necessary!).
i could write a million more words of rambling about this but yeah. orc johnny and his self sufficient witch. how long does it take her to get him on a leash following her around like the good boy he is?
Bro idk even what to say. Co-signed.
First of all please check out this hentai manga abt a troll guy and his rogue party mate. I know you said orc, but I can totally imagine Soap as a troll like this.
Second: if you’re into this sort of fantasy setting, mercenaries, and being a potion maker, AND old men, please check out the bell chimes for gold. It’s an erotic otome, the best I’ve played. Please note that while it is on steam, that’s the censored version! If you want old man hentai then use denpasoft to get it!
Anyways regarding your man. Dude is already leashed, harnessed, muzzled, and whipped. And he hasn’t even gotten any pussy yet!
I imagine when he’s not busy with the 141 they go on supply runs together— she knows the locales and veins of ingredients better. But his stamina and size keep monsters out of the way. Some materials have to be cracked out of stone with his strength, others have to be dug out from crevices with her smaller fingers.
And then after these supply runs get later and later, he keeps staying at her place— the barracks are far, and she needs to process some of the ingredients before he can take his share to be used, anyways.
And y’know. Things happen. In the form of morning wood the size of her forearm, maybe.
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piko-power · 4 months ago
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My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)
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When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.
She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.
She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.
She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.
...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.
Remember this line?
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You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:
Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?
...YEP. 😈 (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)
As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.
She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.
I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.
...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.
I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.
And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.
She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.
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During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.
She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.
But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.
Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.
...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?
But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.
If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.
I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.
She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.
Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.
So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.
She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.
For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.
She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.
But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.
If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.
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But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.
He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.
He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)
She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.
He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.
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Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.
They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.
None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.
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Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.
It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.
Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.
She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.
She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...
She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.
I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.
How much he loves her.
And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.
Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.
It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.
She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.
I feel like this moment here...
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-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.
Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.
And it's all thanks to Sonic.
If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.
Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.
He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.
Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.
Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.
They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.
"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
#piko rambles#sonic the hedgehog#amy rose#Meant to be platonic but I don't care if you tag as ship lol#I've been meaning to post something like this for the longest time now but never really got into posting it-#-because you guys REALLY hate seeing these two together for some reason.#Well not for SOME reason. There are valid reasons why you don't ship them. Everyone has valid reason why they don't ship this or that.#But sometimes those reasons can just sound so petty to me. Like the reason why is because Amy is a stalker or Sonic hates her which is FALS#Also those age gap arguments are understandable but so goddamn annoying sometimes. Maybe when they hit their late teens or early twenties-#then they can be together if they want to. Besides a good percentage of Sonic ships are better off if they waited til they're old enough im#I love them regardless of whether they're just friends or an awkward older cringe fail couple lmao#But them being just friends and hiding away all their emotions towards each other just to keep them safe and happy with them- 😭😭😭#Son/adow is my favorite ship of all time and sonamy is my favorite childhood ship/platonic ship because they both have one thing in common.#ANGST 😀#I've been thinking about Sonic and Amy's dynamic as of late and MAN-#Mixed with some personal headcanons of mine and their dynamic as of late just makes me so emotional.#Sonic and Amy have gotten so close now and it's so sweet but so heartbreaking at the same time when you think about it.#I'm so happy they are getting along better and being there for each other but there is so much to dissect here. So much to think about.#I might be a little silly but Amy losing her parents and being alone for so long and being the reason why she's always hanging onto Sonic-#-explains SOOOOOOOOO much about her. At least that's my headcanon for WHY that is.#Amy with abandonment issues speaks to me on a personal level. I'm always afraid of being forgotten or left behind by my family.#I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough no matter how hard I try. I do not blame Amy. I relate to her a lot. It's one of the many reasons#-why Amy is my favorite character besides Sonic and Shadow.#She fights hard to prove she's a valuable member of the team and hates getting left behind but despite all that she wasn't afraid to-#-express herself and her love for people. But after the Eggman War there was some changes that made her less expressive about her love.#Yeah she still loves Sonic but she doesn't admit it because none of that matters anymore and she thought that not being loved by Sonic#-is better than being loved since she nearly wasted her life loving someone who she thought has constantly bothered. 🥲#But I think after TMoStH I think she'll be less afraid of being expressive about it. She and Sonic are just so caring for each other 😭#I love these two way too much that when I think about them for too long I'll start SOBBING 😭😭 I'M EVEN SOBBING RIGHT NOW LMAO
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withthewindinherfootsteps · 5 months ago
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mdzs tumblr post au but it’s just “what were you doing at the devil’s sacrament” (nightless city)
#i’ve gotten there in my reread and while wwx def didn’t have good intentions *going* there#(he did want to vent his anger; ‘they finally attacked first!’ etc)#frankly i don’t see it as any different from a battle they’d initiated#(and also the actual thing WAS actually a battle they iniated even if wwx was waiting for that to happen but ignoring that)#it was a pledge against him and one with intention of attack#jgs literally said ‘and tomorrow we’ll scatter the ashes of the rest of the wen dogs and the yiling patriarch wei ying’#whether he meant it literally or not doesn’t matter bc at some point they *were going to attack*#and everyone there came to sign up for that right? everyone was prepared to face wwx in battle already right?#and if they WEREN’T prepared to do that and were just there for reputation points THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE#THAT’S ON THEM#so no they weren’t planning to be attacked BY wwx but they WERE planning to attack wwx which should be the same thing#the only difference is who has the advantage of surprise… which they were planning to use to their advantage#so regardless of wwx’s intentions (and their impacts on his morality if you care about that)#i do NOT think it’s fair to say he killed x thousand innocents/unprepared people/sth along those lines#that battle and those casualities were going to happen anyway the only difference was when#(and the only reason it IS painted as such an evil act rather than some heroic battle is because by all metrics wwx won)#so yeah 3000 cultivators… *what were YOU doing at the devil’s sacrament*#mdzs misc#mdzs
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steelycunt · 4 months ago
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saw someone say they didnt like when harry met sally because they cant enjoy romcoms where they dont find the male lead attractive i really think this has gone too far now like we need intervention yesterday
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alvie-pines · 1 year ago
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THATS EXACTLY WHAT IVE BEEN ASKING
and with the parallels of spike being treated similar to a kid of color who was adopted into a white family (other dragons resent him and call him "basically a pony on the inside", spike struggles to connect with dragon culture and to figure out his place in both pony and dragon society..) as well as later episodes where smolder, a dragon student at twilight's school, complains that theyre being taught a pony-centric view of history... both things that imply there is a social disparity between ponies and dragons...
... alltogether it doesnt paint a very nice view of what might be happening to those dragons.
Your Spike is immediately my favorite. Way better than the adult forms the show did.
The show did one good adult form
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From the episode twilight is presented with an "orphaned" dragon egg in what is apparently a regular occurrence for magic school entrance exams. They have a custom cart and everything
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This suggests there is an industry for supplying "orphaned" dragon eggs to be used as nothing more than test materials for children. There is a distinct lack of unicorn/dragon friend pairs. This begs the question, what happens to all those eggs after they have been hatched for nothing more than to prove you can?
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gorgynei · 2 years ago
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this one shot from when sarah is in class is cracking me up because everyone keeps going "that person is twitching because of cordyceps!!!! its foreshadowing!!!". which might be true. but also. theyre just stimming guys
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milfbrainrot · 25 days ago
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have always been a bit more neutral to timebomb but it has rly surprisingly grown on me so much ;-; i think i do see it more from the tragedy angle and maybe more one-sided. i'm not sure jinx has ever been in a place to reciprocate the feelings i'm sure ekko has, but it is nice to think about for years down the line and in terms of what could have been.
#arcane tag#i do prefer more understated or fanon ships and i think even getting them canon in an AU it still makes it more understated in the#main timeline to me? and rly good for imagining and tragic for what could've been etc#i also think friend-wise they could have the same exact tragedy - to me the point is just... closeness?#i get some of the backlash to it - like there are definitely things i could get annoyed about if i WANTED to make a big deal out of it#but i think it's sweet and i think regardless of romantic implications the link of ekko and jinx having basically the same trauma all#stem from their own actions (him giving the kids the tip about jayce and powder using the hexcore they got as a result in#catastrophic ways) and landing in such different directions (ekko using that as motivation to build / jinx getting stuck in destruction)#is just so interesting to me#i guess you could have that WITHOUT romance but i do think in the AU world them getting romantically closer makes a lot of sense#and i don't rly think there's a ton of clear romantic stuff in the main timeline that couldn't be read otherwise if it rly pissed people of#that badly lol so it is possible some of my appreciation for the ship comes out of spite from that crowd#honestly so much of the backlash seems geared more toward shippers than actual canon given the subtlety of it until now#which i do nottt vibe with tbh#just at the end of the day to me it is so easy to fall into how much ekko cares abt powder/jinx and how their paths diverged#and i guess i can get how adding a romantic layer would be annoying to some ppl but i think the kind of emotions doesn't#rly matter at the end of the day bc there is that same foundation either way#also when i say i get some of the backlash it's not that i agree with it lol#but if i wanted to force a reason for not vibing with it in that scenario i could#like the fact of not leaving it platonic ('why does everything have to be romantic!') or i'm sure LOTS of other lesbians#are pissed that a non-canon m/f ship has been more popular than canon f/f which.#i mean sometimes that stuff is odd but 9/10 times it's just preference for the dynamics#(signed. a lesbian. who got into the show for f/f and landed in other f/f ships more than the canon one lol)#and at the same time if i wanted to get political about it in retaliation i could highlight that timebomb is interracial#it's mostly stupid at the end of the day and i wish we could focus more on whether the writing was well done with what it meant to do#or just let ppl do what they want for fanon as long as they're not hurting anyone else#i think rly the main thing i would be more willing to listen to is the treatment of ekko as a black character in relation to this#which - if there is anything to that - is a very different story than 'ew m/f!!!!!!!!!1'#anyway sorry my brain is a discourse speedrun simulator at all times bc of being so chronically on tumblr#tl;dr good ship with so much good fan stuff out there
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hajimehinata · 1 year ago
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i gave you all i had, i did
day 5 : sacrifice ( from @adfaugust )
all he’s ever done, he did it for this family.
tyler’s long been used to hours of work with little reward, underpaid for hard labour and chalking it up to his family name. the world’s out to get him, he’s always known it, has been told so time and time again by the holt matriarch. and he knows better than anyone that sharon wouldn’t lie, has been an honest woman from the day she was born. if she ever was dishonest, it’s cause she had to be, cause she wasn’t given another option. but ma’s honest, gets her way through respect built from her steely and admirable nature. sharon, impossible not to respect with her fingers poised elegantly around a cigarette. lord knows tyler gladly picked up that habit for a few stolen seconds of her company. always wishing blindly to soak up her presence, as if it would somehow cure him of his own inferiority, childishness she frowned upon. he always feels adult standing next to her — ’cept for when he don’t, when he feels like he’s quakin’ in his boots just being near her. tells himself it’s because he loves her, because he can’t stand the thought of her coming to harm. knows that he’s her protector and that’s all he is, and for a holt, that’s a blessing. no higher honour than to be at sharon’s side, making sure their shitheel of a pa don’t try anything. 
never strikes him that he might be thinking backwards, that the person he’s afraid of is the very person he loves the most. so wrapped around her finger he can’t see it for what it is, embraced into her perfumed storytelling, lies that sound like the truth, until tyler can’t help but believe in her. she’s his ma, and she needs him, everyone does. shoulders heavy burdens so she don’t have to, under the firm belief that he had a choice, but that no sane man would choose the other option.
what man would leave his ma to suffer all alone? none that are mannerly or polite, none that really care for her. tyler’s signed away his life, all twenty-five years of it thus far and whatever rest of it that cruel fate gives him. quickly revises the thought, since he oughta be grateful for what he has — the opportunity to be there for his ma, for his brothers. 
still doesn’t stop the white-hot jealousy from bubbling up in a weary chest when he sees how easily dale and jay are awarded with ma’s attention. don’t know the last time she called him sweetheart — or if she ever has. keeps blindly charging forward, since he knows why dale’s got ma’s heart; no one could hate a face like that or deny him a thing. and jay… as much as he don’t contribute, as much as he ain’t really one of them ( as much as his sensitive nature is rewarded when tyler’s was long stamped outta him, told time and time again that he’s the eldest and real men gotta keep their upper lip stiff ) … sharon’s affectionate towards the golden boy because he reminds her of that sister of hers. that woman who got herself knocked up and imposed herself on her charitable sister, only to wind up dead and leaving her screaming kid behind for sharon to care for like he’s hers.
( and if tyler had to pick up those motherly responsibilities, it’s cause ma obviously couldn’t, not after her own sister had died, and no one could have expected her to be well enough to take care of a kid or her three-year-old and certainly not her seven-year-old little man, the nickname brooke gave him as she pinched a solemn cheek still ringing in his head — )
— but ain’t he the same as brooke, now? running off to save his own skin when dale’s … a sharp pain lancing through his chest, solid evidence of how he’s failed the family. still feels the sting on his cheek when ma told him clear as day — he ain’t got this, he wasn’t responsible enough, never good enough. and selfishly he wonders how long he has to sweat and toil for … her approval, but he’d never say that. sharon don’t give out praise that ain’t earned, and tyler never earned it a day in his life. no matter how hard he worked. no matter how little he slept. no matter how kind he was to his charity case of a cousin. 
and he’s doing everything he can, even if ain’t good enough, even if it ain’t perfect. tells himself this is the best he can do for the ones he’s lost — protect himself cause he’s the only one left to protect her. when dale’s gone, pa’s in some hospital after his act of cowardice, and they had to leave jay behind when the cops were too close for comfort. he’s the only one left, and sharon’s safety’s all that matters. they come up with a plan, her and her only child, and there’s an unspoken understanding that passes through ‘em. the knowledge that they’re all they’ve got anymore, that they have to stick together. 
it’s everything he wanted. least, he thought it was. until jay shows back up on their doorstep and tyler’s left to stare. a brother back from the dead and the short-lived attention from his ma itching at the back of his ribcage. forced to think horrible thoughts, wondering if it was jay all along who took this from tyler. if sharon’s affections were only doled out to the youngest boys because that love’s finite, and because jay just had to be difficult, ruin things by taking that book and killing dale, the sting of a motherly slap across the cheek still smarting. can’t accept that he wants more than he’s got, so it’s jay’s fault. that festering itch getting worse until it’s damn near unbearable. it’s jay on the doorstep of the cabin and not dale, not his baby brother who sat on his lap and babbled to him in half-formed sentences, who didn’t leave him ( didn’t leave the family, comes the mental correction ) to go galavanting off in the woods. 
still, tyler takes first watch. is used to staying up and expects that neither ma nor jay will wake up for a second watch. maybe he’ll catch an hour or two, but he ain’t counting on it. more important that sharon gets her rest, and it’s not like tyler trusts jay to stay up and keep an eye out. not after he found out about brooke, the long-kept secret that shoulda been told to him long ago, so he could understand why he’s gotta make it up to the family more than ever. if anything, he thinks maybe jay’ll try to slink out and talk to him. the lie weighs heavy on his chest, but it’s the most sensible solution. ma needs to go on the motorcycle, and jay can survive out here in the woods. if tyler stayed ( and his chest constricts at the mere thought ) … he’d die. still, even though ma knows that, it’s still his duty to stay back. even with this busted leg, even with his lack of familiarity of the bush of two rock. when jay wasn’t around, the solution was simple. now, it’s staring him right in the eye. his imminent death. the same fate as dale. loving jay, then dying for it. 
the door creaks open, and tyler’s heart squeezes in his chest seeing it’s ma. it ain’t rare for her to seek out his company, whether it’s to unload some stresses or just cause he’s smoking at the same time as her, but that weary heart still jumps when she does. hard and clear evidence that he’s doing something right. but that brief hope gets squashed like an insignificant insect as soon as the words leave her mouth. can we talk about this canada thing? 
shoulda known she was coming out to ask about it, silently curses himself for not realizing sooner. remembers the other mistake he made, telling jay about his real ma, and braces himself for a scolding that thankfully never comes. sharon’s not a petty woman, and she’s moved onto more pressing matters. wondering why jay can’t have the prized seat next to her on the bike. wondering all that when she’s whip-smart and definitely smart enough to know tyler’d die if he stuck around back here. and it all comes flooding out. a juvenile confession, practically sobbed out. a desperate begging for love he’s always thought he was above. is it so wrong to want to live? is it so wrong to want a shot at life even when it’s long over? all his life, he’s given her ( the family, he hurriedly corrects, because even now, he can’t stop the helpless fawning over her ) everything he has, everything he is. and here he leans against the cabin post, staring up at the consequence bearing over him like a giant. finds himself scared and utterly alone in the face of this insurmountable beast. 
he just wants to live. and if that’s gotta mean just surviving from here on out, he wants that. if his fate was never to live his life, he’ll mourn it and bury it alongside dale. clenches his fists and jaw and tries not to let the grief consume him, crush that bad leg before he’s even got a chance to try to keep going. wouldn’t dale have wanted him to live? wouldn’t dale have wanted… and it feels blasphemous to even think, but wouldn’t dale have wanted his happiness? couldn’t sharon have loved him enough to want that for him?
but it can’t be about dale and it certainly can’t be about sharon, so it’s about jay, the boy who got everything tyler wanted just by being. who whines and gets his way, the eternal favourite and the one dale eventually left tyler behind for. but tyler knows he can still win. he’s just gotta convince jay to stay back. and he does. feels that affection he always had for the kid come back full force, all babyish smiles and hints of wisdom he don’t think even jay knows he has. tyler will miss him. he gets that now. wishes blindly and with all his heart that there were three seats on the motorcycle, even if the thought of sharing ma with jay was nauseating just an hour ago. 
tyler trudges back to his world, leaving jay to his own. greets sharon with a weary look, disillusioned like he hasn’t been in a long time. no longer is he excited to be the only one left. misses his brothers, both of ‘em, like hell. but at least he’s got ma, his sole purpose for as long as he can remember. something nettles him about that. maybe it’s just that jay taking off didn’t make him feel any better. 
that’s what he sticks with until one night at the church turns into two, and then three.
and tyler lays with his cheek pressed against a dilapidated floor and wonders. do we get what we deserve?
#as dusk falls#tyler holt#sharon holt#adfaugust2023#pan writes#this is obviously inspired by the cabin scene and my intense feelings about it#and there's a lot i could say about it but i will say that this fic does not paint sharon positively#people do not seem to realize that both bear AND sharon have seriously abused their kids ESPECIALLY tyler#and the cabin scene really shows how for the first time in his entire life tyler is having an intense breakdown about#the absurd expectations placed on his shoulders#it's baffling to me that sharon would not stay behind if it meant her kids would be safe#ESPECIALLY since she goes to paul for help regardless!#but because both tyler and jay are so emotionally abused by her ( especially tyler ) it's never a question whether she should get that seat#leading to this huge fallout between tyler and jay#which tbf was already coming since we know tyler was dying to tell jay he was adopted#and he is severely in his feelings because he (AND LITERALLY SHARON) blames himself for dale's death#cannot stress enough that if dale dies from the sniper sharon tells tyler POINT BLANK that it was his fault. and similarly in the barn scene#if jay fucks up the two by fours bear LITERALLY tells tyler 'weren't you watching him? what's wrong with you?'#so like this isn't something tyler is just making up in his head. people ACTIVELY assign him responsibility over his brothers#in any case the point is atp tyler is DISABLED and there is no way he can make it on his own. leaving him there IS a death sentence#and while jay probably doesn't realize this there is no WAY sharon doesn't. why else would she abandon him and latch onto paul?#and i know she tells paul a different story but she is HEAVILY established as a liar/unreliable narrator in that chapter so#ANYWAY. i have normal thoughts and feelings about sharon and tyler's abusive ass relationship /lie
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doppelnatur · 1 year ago
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i think maybe we should start talking about victims and survivors as an oppressed group even outside of the context of other marginalizations. I'm thinking especially about victims of domestic violence, bullying and sexual abuse but also refugees and victims of natural disasters and other forms of ongoing stress/trauma, I just have less perspective on that and would welcome other perspectives here.
And yes, being part of a marginalized group, a) is in and of itself an ongoing stress, b) makes it more likely for you to become a victim of both interpersonal power imbalances as well as the effects of the global power imbalances as expressed as war and climate catastrophies, etc and c) makes it harder to receive help. I just think seeing those as intersections might be helpful? Conversations about domestic violence and sexual abuse are very commonly framed as conversations about gender and while I do think gender is an important factor in both, it is unhelpful to deny the doubt, downplaying and scrutiny all survivors regardless of gender face.
I think it would be helpful when building support networks to keep in mind the social bias against victims, whether those support networks help people escape a war zone or an abusive home. My impression is that a lot of the same social mechanisms that apply to marginalized groups, also apply to victims and survivors. It's the downplaying of the impact of the violence/disaster, the dehumanization, the speaking about you and not with you, the being robbed of your agency, there being "good" and "bad" victims, the contradictory and impossible standards you are held to, the way you're expected to bare yourself to display yourself and your wounds and be available for questioning...
I don't know maybe this is a useless concept or already really common framing but like I'd like to have a conversation about it?
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the-punforgiven · 1 year ago
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New art challenge for queer artists: Draw what you thought was your Ideal Hot Person from when you first realized you were queer vs what your Ideal Hot Person would be now
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queenofbaws · 2 years ago
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Do you think the werewolves have their own separate personalities from their human form or are they all just hyper aggressive?
It was inevitable, really, the mess they'd woken up to in the clearing out by the nature walk; he'd shrugged it off when Travis blew his gasket, had struck just the right balance of shamefaced and pissed when Dad got in on it, but in the back of his head, that one word was the only thing Chris could hear.
Inevitable - it was inevitable that some poor sap would get pulled into this mess right along with them, inevitable that the bad news would keep piling up like so much shit in an outhouse, inevitable that werewolves would do what werewolves, well, were known to do.
It didn't help the pit of sickness roiling in his gut, though. As he sat hunched in front of the screens, the surveillance room feeling ten times smaller than it actually was now that Dad, Trav, and Bobby were looming solid in the dark over his shoulder, Chris scrolled through the footage and braced himself for another inevitability: That in a matter of frames, he'd be forced to face the specter of his own goddamn temper and see himself - watch himself - tear into that fucking hiker like a turkey dinner. That's what he got for being such a hothead, for letting every little thing turn his vision red, for...
"Oh no," he heard Bobby say from just behind him, a succinct summation of what they were all feeling as they realized what they were actually seeing there on the recording; "Oh no," and that was all, that was it, there was nothing else to say or do as the four of them watched Caleb rip the hiker's body limb from bloody limb in stony, resigned silence.
six sentence sat(or)sunday!!!
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goji-pilled · 2 years ago
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i think out all media i consumed that had groups id say sees is easily the one that haunts me the most
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ineloquent-tumbling · 2 years ago
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I don’t think people fully realize how isolating extensive food allergies can be.
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bangcakes · 2 years ago
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got7doubleb · 2 months ago
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