#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

[adhdtsukasa]

tsukasa tenma has ADHD!! except it's an actual analysis because 1. look at my url 2. i'm mentally unwell (and i started to love tsukasa mostly because i immediately recognized my ADHD traits in him). which is a thing i should probably leave for ADHD awareness month, HOWEVER!! it was my birthday yesterday and i wanted to spoil myself (i just kinda overlooked how much time writing it from scratch would take me, so i'm a bit late with it). and i reaaally don't wanna wait until november when i finally wrote it down because i'm so HYPED because i was preparing for it like what? two years? somewhere around it. and that's a LONG time.

please keep in mind that i'm no psychologist, psychiatrist nor a neurologist and while i do use some sources (cannot really confirm if they are true, though... because i forgot to write credits down... so i'm really sorry for that), most of this analysis was just based off on my personal experiences with the disorder (and i don't really have the full professional knowledge of what i struggle with i'm just a Boy). i mean, i am analyzing a character from a hatsune miku game. i think i'm already putting way too many effort than i should.

also the examples of tsukasa's behavior here are not all of the things, because i wrote down only the things i remember off from the top of my head. sorry, guys. my hyperactive ass is not sitting thru all the stories again just to get my crumbs, unfortunately.

anyways, with this a little bit unprofessional and messy introduction, let's get it started!

1. THE MAIN PART OF THIS WHOLE THING, AKA HOW THE ADHD SYMPTOMS CORRESPOND TO TSUKASA'S BEHAVIOR

i wanted to write it down in my own words, but i think the screen above has summed it up perfectly; there are some established symptoms of ADHD, but to be an ADHDer you don't have to experience them all. and this is going to explain why i'm gonna show a lot of these symptoms later, yet gonna connect only some of them with tsukasa. it's only these i have evidence for, and yet i think they're good enough to point at tsukasa and already say woah! an ADHDer!!

in short, there are three types of ADHD: hyperactive, inattentive (ADD) and combined. the combined one is the most common iirc, so that's also what i'm going to focus on today. especially since for a rep of the other types, i could say that shizuku's a rather great representation of ADD — but that's not the point of my ted talk today, so i'm not going to go into the detail about it. i'm sure some momojan or shizuku oshi would do better than me in this field, so i'm leaving it to the experts.

these are the symptoms that i managed to gather — the first two screens being about the symptoms viewed in children, the last one being about the symptoms viewed in adults. "in which one of them tsukasa belongs to?" that's a good question, because i actually don't know. calling a high schooler a child doesn't sit quite right with me, yet a freshly turned 17/18-years-old is not exactly an adult, either (although most of the symptoms i'm analyzing come from these that are viewed in adults). and while i do think tsukasa has more of the symptoms viewed in adults, we're gonna analyse them all! because i'm putting my all into this.

FORGETFULNESS

i believe there's not much left to say, as this is the most obvious one and everyone already knows that. even though it's not touched that much anymore for some reason, tsukasa's forgetfulness is his very apparent trait. it varies in severity a lot of times: from him basically forgetting both his childhood and true feelings in the main story to him, for example, forgetting his own phone and lunch (in the same day!!) in hinamatsuri. even saki in the same event, while they were arguing, called him a "big, dumb forgetter" and assumed that he forgot what happened the day he brought her the hinamatsuri dolls to hospital. while forgetting basically half of your life is not exactly normal and can be a sign of something bigger, like dissociative amnesia, his forgetting of just the ordinary things and it happening a lot definitely still fits this trait.

EXCESSIVE TALKING/PHYSICAL MOVEMENT

while this is something that you'd rather connect to emu (and for a good reason), it's not like tsukasa is completely devoid of it either; he talks a lot. he moves a lot. it's not on emu's level of hyperactivity, but it's also not "a lot" that's taken as a social norm, based on how the people around him react. he's putting the 1 in oddball 1 2, after all.

in holy night or some side stories connected to it (it might be meiko's side story? but i'm not exactly sure) it was also said that tsukasa moves in his sleep a lot to this point that his parents have to leave his christmas presents under his door instead of next to his bed.

oh, and he also talks to himself a lot. even in class, which was confirmed in chapter 6 of dazzling (or maybe even earlier, it's just the one moment that i remember). (but i'll get to this moment later on)

he says his long monologues, he strikes his poses at every occasion — and while i don't think that's the first thing you think of when you have "excessive talking/movement" in mind, for me it sure does count as it.

LITTLE OR NO SENSE OF DANGER

this point can seem rather weird, because "isn't tsukasa always riddiculed at rui's weird inventions"? well, yeah, he is, that is not a thing to deny. but he also agrees to try out most of them, if not all, if it's for the sake of the show. he's aware of what can happen, but he also doesn't back away if it means that he'll be one step closer to achieving his dream of stardom.

does it count as "little sense of danger"? well, i'm actually not sure, for me it doesn't, but maybe for someone it does. i'd say that's a rather weak point, but i wanted to include the explanation for the counterpoint of it — that's why i even mentioned it in the first place. i don't have a lot to say about this tbh.

update: oh, actually no, wait, i just remembered. remember how tsukasa in phoenix decided to not eat anything for three days just to be able to resonate with rio, while also having to do straining exercise on top of that? you certainly cannot say that's a safe thing to do, but he still went along with that in order to get the role. it makes me come to a conclusion that tsukasa actually has a sense of danger, but sometimes chooses to willingly ignore it if only it makes him get closer to fulfilling his dream. i think it's coming close enough to the little/no sense of danger to be actually considered an ADHD trait.

DIFFICULTY KEEPING QUIET

while i'm not sure if what i'm going to talk about is a difficulty keeping quiet in a traditional sense of way, it definitely counts as it, somehow: tsukasa is loud. like, really loud. and that's another obvious fact both for us and for characters in-universe, especially when thinking of tsukasa shiho's first thought is that he's kinda noisy, which can be seen in the "a friend's brother" 1koma. (and probably a lot of other cases. free shiho.)

tsukasa doesn't seem to realize that he's way louder than he should be and that him being loud is his first impression in most of the cases, though, or at least i don't remember any moment where it happens (and it's a possibility. then that's on me, i guess.). and yeah, i know what's the reason for it, obviously — he's supposed to be a comic relief character. because wansho's stories are mostly supposed to make you smile, as this is what wansho's aspiration is. however, as much as being intended to make the viewer laugh it wouldn't be, it still is a part of tsukasa's character, and a rather important one on top of that. his constant loudness is something that's definitely not considered normal by the society and could very well fit into this symptom.

and since i promised to elaborate on the mentioned before scene from dazzling chapter 6: when tsukasa talks to himself in class, it always ends up to be loud. and it already happened a few times.

(tl by tsukasa's #3 fan on youtube because i don't have proseka on my phone wah)

if it's not a difficulty keeping quiet, then i don't know what is. bro can scream up to 120dB as measured by robonene for god's sake.

IRRITABILITY/QUICK TEMPER

again, this is something that was more apparent with early game tsukasa, maybe he just got medicated. idk man. but even if it happened three, almost four years ago, it still happened, i don't make the rules. back in the early game, tsukasa was really easily losing his temper and getting annoyed, mad even — i mean, that was the whole point of the main story argument: tsukasa's first response to nene accidentally messing up their show, which was not even her fault, was to shout at her. and while this was obviously very important thing to him and being upset at this is a rather understandable reaction, taking this as far as screaming at a poor girl for not being to face the audience because of her anxiety is not something a person who can control their anger would do.

it could be also easily seen by his reaction to emu and rui's antics back in the early game, which were often stained with irritation.

another example is his hinamatsuri argument with saki, where, despite loving her so much, he still got slightly mad at her for not liking the new dolls he bought her. he started to regret his harsh words and actions soon enough, obviously, but it doesn't change the fact that it was rather easy for him to get him across.

INABILITY TO DEAL WITH STRESS

if i'm not mistaken, tsukasa has once said something along the lines of "is it anxiety? there's no way a star like me would feel anxiety" — but i cannot recall for the love of my life in which story it appeared, so i don't want to take it as a face value when i don't have a solid proof for it.

other than this vague mention of "something that's in the story but i don't remember where", i'll admit, i don't really have anything backing me up for this tbf. i mean, i guess maybe tsukasa doing his best to appear strong as a child to not worry his parents could work? because the stress of saki being in the hospital definitely was also present here, although i just see this more as a coping mechanism for his situation than a reaction to stress, so that's not a solid evidence either.

so, yeah. take this one with a grain of salt, actually.

from the symptoms that weren't listed here, i remember reading something about people with ADHD enjoying to show off more, which is certainly what tsukasa does often — and while it actually applies to me too, it wasn't on an english site so i didn't screenshot it and i cannot really find it anywhere in english... so even though i treat it just like my whole argument for the inability to deal with stress, i thought it's just worth mentioning.

however, there is obviously one more thing...

HYPERFIXATION/SPECIAL INTEREST

obviously, i'm talking about acting here: for tsukasa, acting aligns with all these criterias. it is his deep passion; it is something highly engaging for him; it is sometimes all-consuming for him; he tunes out the world around him when he thinks about how can he possibly improve his acting (see: the dazzling moment i showed earlier. yeah, i like to use it as a backing point a lot, as you can see.); and it is something that is his life-long interest.

is it his special interest or his hyperfixation, though? well, it's hard to tell...? because while according to screen two, spinterest revolves around a topic and hyperfixation revolves around an activity, so it would qualify what tsukasa feels towards acting as a hyperfixation, it's still kinda hard for me to call it so because of its length. yes, screen three clearly says that hyperfixation can last years, but they mostly revolve around shorter periods of time, after all (my longest hyperfixation was just a year long, for example). i think it's up to you to determine whether you'd call tsukasa's love for acting a hyperfixation or a special interest, but it's something from these two most certainly.

i'm also a big fan of the headcanon that tsukasa's other spinterest is kaito ww it's in no way a canon evidence (unfortunately!), but kaito's 1* side story, where tsukasa and emu are watching kaito's show and tsukasa is explaining to her why kaito's wearing a scarf somewhat implies that tsukasa knew a thing or two about kaito before the main story. and i'm all for it. colopale let tsukasa be a kaito fanboy pleaseee.

2. I REALLY LIKE ANALYZING SONGS, IF YOU CAN'T TELL

those who have already read a few of my things probably know what i love to do the most — analyzing songs!! so i wouldn't be myself if i just left tsukasa's commisions without analyzing them under the angle of neurodivergence, especially since the sole reason i became obsessed with the thought of ADHD tsukasa was that one sekahaji line (there's too much noise, so much noise and it keeps getting worse you will always be famous).

of course, remember that only the world hasn't even started yet should be taken as a canon value! producers are often given space to do whatever they want in the lyrics of the songs they are commissioned for, so they're not canonical in any way. i think it's still fun to look at their lyrics and ramble about them for a bit, though. i've already got too carried away anyways.

won't be posting photos of the lyrics since i'd hit the images limit, but you can check them yourself — all the translations i'm taking, as always, from the vocaloid lyrics wiki. (since filament fever has two tls on there, i want to clarify that i've only looked at and considered in my analysis the official english one, because it's, well, official.)

THE WORLD HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET

besides the mentioned earlier there's too much noise, so much noise and it keeps getting worse, which i think of as a representation of overstimulation (since i used to see people asking "oh but why tsukasa has something about there being too much noise in a song made out of his feelings when he's such a loud person himself". because he likes the noise he makes, not the overwhelming, overstimulating noise from the outside!!), sekahaji also has a rather good amount of quotes that could be read as something connected to neurodivergence (based on the fact that it's not supposed to be a song about this topic): the main theme of these are procrastination, which can be seen in let's cross the end of all of this, partying forever and the world hasn't even started yet line itself. the thought of the world not even starting implies that there's still a lot of time left to do something, while "partying forever" can refer to deciding to give up on doing the things you should do and going to drown in something that indulges only you and yourself for the rest of eternity. while procrastination is not counted as an official ADHD symptom, it's a trait that people with the disorder very often have (for reasons obvious).

other lines, which i couldn't entirely fit into a box of a certain symptom, are there's too much conflict, so much conflict and it keeps growing (a parallel line to the noise one, so it means something! right) and let's break the plans for a harmonious future. in my personal interpretation, they both can be viewed as your typical neurodivergent struggle in a neurotypical society — "too much conflict" refering to an internal struggle of not being completely normal, while the "harmonious future" that's going to get broken are just the social norms that are going to be broken because of an off-putting, neurodivergent behavior. something that some neurotypical people dooon't really like.

TONDEMO-WONDERZ

since i've just talked about breaking the social norms, "why?!" and "do it like this!!" aren't like you, huh? line from tondemo-wonderz is going to go first, because it revolves around the same topic. it's the same case: it's about (subconscious, not intentional) fighting what's accepted by the society by just being yourself — because you're neurodivergent, you're different.

from the other lines in tondemo-wonderz, i have only one and it's take an eraser to your memories?!, which is pretty much self explanatory. as always, a mention of forgetting something in tsukasa's commision. who would've thought.

88 SHOOTING STARS

another self explanatory line that i have written down as first: it's okay if you only remember a little part of it sometimes. another mention of tsukasa forgor™, and while it corresponds with what happened in dazzling, it's still a line mentioning forgetfulness — so it's worth mentioning.

aren't we just inevitably going around in circles? and it's okay if you take a rest for a little bit sometimes can be interpreted as another mention of procrastination and while it's not that apparent as it was with sekahaji, because going in circles can refer to something else and taking a rest sometimes is not a bad thing at all, i still wanted to mention them here. for the record.

you ought to slip and fall in panic in the final moment is connected to a symptom that i showed, yet didn't elaborate on it (because i didn't have anything to work with) — making careless mistakes. the same case, yet with another symptom goes with is this not enough yet again? is this not how it's supposed to be? couldn't we go even further than this?, which can be seen as a reflection of unability to listen to instructions. a bit of reaching with this one (like this whole part damn), but as i said earlier: for the record, i'm leaving it here. to show that i had some intense thoughts.

tbf, when i think about it now, maybe the mentioned earlier "why?!" and "do it like this!!" aren't like you [...] could very well fit this symptom too.

MR SHOWTIME

mr showtime you will always be famous, because this is a song that gave me a looot of things to work with. i was so flabbergasted when i read these lyrics for the first time. tsukasa tenma why are you like this. /aff

there are a lot of lines hinting being easily distracted, and these are basically the very first ones, too: you know what? i just can't make up my mind, it's so messed up that i can't put my thoughts together and a merry-go-round (my thought process) goes round and round are all about it. like you cannot deny it this time, if it's not about being unable to stay focused then i really don't know what is [insert the tsukasa don't look away stamp here because i love it and it's my biggest motivation to actually focus whenever i do something]. the more i mess around and waste time, the more i become hungry / and i can't handle it can be seen as about procrastination again, and even not "can be seen", it's literally being frustrated at yourself for wasting time, that's the sole outcome of a procrastination!! being bothered by feeling anxious, meanwhile, is resonating with the inability to deal with stress once again.

also jumping the gun. driving in a zigzag manner can actually connected with the little to no sense of danger. because, as far as i'm aware, driving in a zigzag manner is certainly not a safe activity. don't do it at home.

from the symptoms that i haven't yet mentioned to this point, am i taking a long way? am i making a fruitless effort? can be reflecting difficulty organizing tasks — since the poor planning of your activities can make you take a long way and can make you do a fruitless effort. then, where's the fun in taking shortcuts all the time? can be read along the lines of something coming close to extreme impatience and while a person that's extremely impatient would actually enjoy taking the shortcuts to get closer to their goal or destination, said impatience can be also connected with the desire for something interesting to happen. a task can make you impatient not because it's long, but because it's simply boring — avoiding shortcuts can make it less boring, even if it extends its duration. with this explanation, it makes the unexpectedness (unexpected program) is the best part of the show (my life) perfectly fit into this category, even though i wouldn't call this line a sign of impatience on its own.

i have some issues with i'm pathetic. i can't satisfy myself, because... at first i thought of connecting it with either mood swings or inability to deal with stress, however i'm not sure if that's really it. i'm pretty sure it connects to neurodivergence in some way, but i just can't put my finger on it, so... i'm just leaving it here for the record, once again.

oh, and there's also i got lost in the world (stage) and / the end credits rolled (the curtain fell), which also is pretty much summing up the experience of being neurodivergent in the neurotypical society. in the middle of trying to stay true to yourself and having to mask just to be accepted, it's easy to get lost — and once you do so, there's no going back. the curtain falls.

to end this part of the analysis, i'd show the lyrics from filament fever and sekai wo terasu tetrad here. i won't do this, however, and the reason for it is fairly simple — they don't give me much material to work with and i'm not really surprised, because mr showtime has succesfully sucked all of the neurodivergent coded lyrics into itself. there just won't be another song like mr showtime, i fear.

i can just say that in filament fever there is running away from the flow of time — which got me thinking of either procrastination and unability to stick to time-consuming tasks, with the former being more plausible as a potential interpretation... but that would be it.

3. NAKAYAMA IS A METAPHOR FOR NEURODIVERGENT MASKING AND IT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SAID BUT YOU HAVE TO HEAR ME OUT ON THIS

listen, i know how it sounds.

i'm not actually a fan of trying to fit every thing a character does into a box of a metaphor, symbol or allegory, i really am not. i think some things should just stay as simple as they are, but this thought has been bothering me ever since i've first seen spoilers of what's happening in a story where you're the star for the very first time. i'm in no way saying it has any canonical meaning, but i just thought it would be fun to include. because maaaybe someone sees my vision.

for those who haven't seen tsukasa4 yet or want to have a recap of what has happened in it: the whole event story revolves around tsukasa trying to grasp his role (as always). wxs got recommended to shunmei-za by shousuke and went there to practice their acting skills, immediately getting thrown onto the preparation for their next performance. tsukasa, however, is not a lead this time — he got the role of a supporting character and has got basically three lines to say on stage total. since tsukasa's used to playing lead roles, he obviously has issues with grasping the role — it's hard to use method acting in regards of a character that says three sentences total and nothing more. with help of bakuno reki, one of the actors in shunmei-za, and the rest of wxs, he manages to create a portrayal of nakayama that would make him "come to life" and "be a protagonist of his own story", something that would make it easier for him to get into role, however...

he gets a little bit too carried away with his acting during the actual performance.

and this is not something that would ruin the whole play, obviously, he's just a supporting character, the less invested audience would probably forgot about his impact on the story after five minutes of his last appearance — but he still made a slip-up. he still resonated with his role, but didn't achieve the utmost perfection. he still did well acting, after all, he managed to receive praise from the director in the end... but it's still a very apparent mistake that was made.

(tl, once again, by the awesome tsukasa's #3 fan)

and that's where the nakayama masking metaphor theory (it's not even a theory but it sounds cooler this way) comes in.

nakayama is supposed to be just a man. from what we know about him, he's in his late twenties and works as an editor — and even though tsukasa makes up a whole backstory for him later on, he's still supposed to be ordinary. nothing special. he's coming nowhere near the other roles that tsukasa has played, he's not on the same level as miles, torpe and rio. and while you could possibly consider torpe and rio as rather ordinary, they still had something interesting to happen to them, the main reason why they were lead roles for their respective plays. in the tsukasa4 play, nakayama has nothing like that. he's literally just a guy, he's normal. and "normal" is a keyword here.

tsukasa did everything he could to fit into nakayama's role. he followed the script, he took the advice from a more talented and professional actor that is bakuno, he didn't do any mistakes during his preparations — and yet he still managed to mess up in the end. why?, besides of the fact that he just let himself become one with nakayama during the performance and it resulted in a supporting character outshining the lead?

if we take as a fact that tsukasa is, in fact, neurodivergent, it would make sense that he's having troubles with playing a normal person — because he's not exactly normal either. and this would very well work out as a metaphor of masking; even when you try your best, even when you mask yourself perfectly, you can still make slip-ups. you can still accidentally drop the act in middle of something that absolutely required it, or, similiar to what tsukasa did, can accidentally overdo it and end up perceived as even more weird than you'd be without masking. something something i got lost in the world and the end credits rolled. rings a bell?

and i'm not saying that tsukasa has a problem with masking, because he doesn't. he tries his best to pass as a normal member of society, but he also makes no effort in actively masking his weirdness (or else he wouldn't be a part of oddball one two). however, if you want to neurodivergent code your character, it would make sense to include a possibility of it in some way, right? especially since wxs stories' already had the theme of dealing with being perceived as weird (eg. rui's whole backstory, obviously). even if it's not affecting tsukasa directly, i think it would be cool to include something that indicates this issue's existence in his story and, in a way, his struggles.

however, as i said earlier, this is a very stupid thought and that's why i left it for the very end. i don't actually think that how tsukasa played nakayama was supposed to be a metaphor for masking, it's just a pure coincidence that it could be interpreted like that when you think about it too much.

aaand with this, we've finally come to an end!! (finally. i'm so exhausted.) i don't have anything more to say about this topic. maybe i'll retweet it with some more evidence in the future if we ever get more ADHDkasa content. for now, it would be all!

is tsukasa actually intentionally written as an ADHDer? Who Knows! there's a possibility that he is, but even if he's not, he's still one in my heart. regardless of the status of his possible neurodivergence, analyzing his behavior in this light was still very fun! and maybe i even converted someone into the ADHDkasa hell.

feel free to add something if you want to, and feel free to correct me if i got some things wrong! i still hope that even though of how messy this whole thing is written, i did tsukasa justice and didn't accidentally say too much nonsense lmao

...i hate ending analyses.

[b0r3dtod3ath]

"Cause I <3 you, you’re the one that I adore :)"

Formula 1 masterlist

Word count: 1.4k

Summary: Assistant!reader x rdr!seb. Based on this request. Set during the 2012 season.

A/N: I know a few people wanted me to write this trope so here it is :) Also this fic is loosely inspired by BBM baby by Lana Del Rey.

“Yea, I still don’t understand why I need an assistant” Well this sentence certainly didn’t calm your anxiety as you were sitting on a chair, staring at the door. You were supposed to meet your boss, well not really a boss but a person you were supposed to help. He wasn’t just a random person, he was Sebastian Vettel, two-time world champion in Formula 1. You were a fan of this sport so when an opportunity for you to work in that field appeared, you took it without thinking twice. Maybe you weren’t one of the most important employees on the paddock nonetheless you still got to travel the world and be a part of every race week. “Sebastian, you were late for the last three meetings. I can’t be looking after you all the time.” a female voice said. You recognized it - it was Sebastian’s press officer. She was a lovely lady. You got to meet her because she was the one recruiting you. “So you are really getting me a babysitter?” huffed the driver. The door in front of you opened causing you to jump from your seat and put on a smile. “Hi! Nice to see you again! Come on in!” said the lady. As you walked in a tall, blonde boy sat up and introduced himself “Sebastian Vettel. You can call me Seb. Nice to meet you.” The eye contact made your cheeks heat up a little “Y/N Y/L/N, pleasure working with you”. As you sat down you heard Sebastian whisper a quiet “It sure is” under his nose.

You came up with the idea of a maximum of 10-minute long meetings after breakfast during the race weekend. They were meant for you to give Seb a quick overview for the day - what is he doing at what time. You were sitting at the hotel’s restaurant, waiting for him to show up, you didn’t expect him to show up on time but he barely managed to. “Hi, sorry. I hope you didn’t wait long” he said as he sat opposite to you. “Good morning, I’m fine, you are on time actually” you greeted him with a smile, chuckling at his messy bed hair. “So today you are supposed to first meet your physiotherapist and then” you were interrupted by sniffling. Probably a morning runny nose. You grabbed your small purse and handed a tissue to the man. “Thank you” he said, surprised that you noticed. “So then you have a first practice session at 1PM and..” - you quickly went over what was planned for the day “Alright, any questions? If you really want to move some meetings then let me know and I will try to figure out something. I’m leaving this paper for you to know what’s going on and I think that’s it.” you handed him a post-it note with everything neatly written. Cute writing he thought as he looked at it "There's also my number if you need something and I happen not to be around”. Oh yea, he was definitely gonna use this one. 

After a few races, you started developing a more casual relationship - it could even be called a friendship. The chemistry never left working hours. You didn’t understand why but it bothered you. Well, you noticed some signals - butterflies in your stomach appearing when you two held eye contact for more than a second, your heart skipping a beat when you accidentally touch or the heat rising to your cheeks every time he calls you by your nickname. You were a walking symptom of having a crush and yet you denied it. “I’m working for him, of course, we have to be nice to each other! He’s like that to every female reporter, a cheeky little bastard.” or “It’s his job to treat me nice.” you used to tell your friend on a phone, whispering as if Sebastian was to hear you. Little did you know, he has in fact changed his behavior towards women once you appeared in his life, he started being less flirty and reckless but not in terms of you. He would never tell you to do anything for him because it felt weird to him. At first, you were looking after him like he was a child - checking in if he was hungry or if he needed water. He never complained about being looked after because he found it comforting. He felt like you were truly caring for him, a feeling that he hadn’t felt in years due to his lifestyle. 

You would never call him unless he was late. Sebastian was in his hotel room, sprawled out on the bed, head with messy blonde hair buried in pillows. His peaceful sleep was interrupted by the sound of his ringtone. “Huh?” his eyes still closed “Seb, you were supposed to text me when you wake up so you won’t be late again. Please tell me you got up” your voice was a sound he wished to wake up for the rest of his life “Mrrh Dreaming? An angel called me?” he said half awake completely ignoring your tone “Great, amazing even. Vettel, wake up. I’m gonna come to your room in 10 minutes and please cooperate”. Even though you were the same age you sometimes felt like you were babysitting him. Sebastian obeyed you and got dressed. He liked to annoy you a bit but he would be cautious not to cause you too much trouble. You knocked on his door not expecting him to be ready. To your surprise, you were greeted by a fully dressed Sebastian holding his toothbrush. He gestured to you to come in. You have never been to his hotel room so it a bit personal. You stood in the middle of the room not knowing what to do. Your eyes wandered around the room which looked more neat than you expected - no clothes laying around and only his phone and a half-empty water bottle on his nightstand but the bed looked like a mess and you couldn’t judge him, after all he did wake up less than ten minutes before. The bathroom door was opened so you were able to observe him brushing his teeth. It was a thing he did everyday (even more than once!) yet it felt almost intimate. “Okay, let’s go” he said with a big smile once he finished and held the door for you. You were heading for a team meeting that you were also a part of. Your role there was to take notes that were handed to the driver later. Sebastian couldn’t take his eyes off you, sitting next to him as you wrote something important that he didn’t even hear. He loved to watch you in this state where you were so focused you barely paid attention to anything else. He loved the way you would tuck your hair behind your ear or play with a pen anytime there was something not worth writing down discussed. When the meeting was over you handed him the paper, he didn’t even look at it but the thing that caught his attention was your dress. It wasn’t revealing or stereotypically sexy - little flowers on a navy background, short sleeves and knee length just suited your personality in his mind. “Nice dress” he said, catching you off guard as you were saying your goodbyes. This weekend Sebastian finished P1 getting closer and closer to his next world champion title.

Next weekend was the last weekend before the summer break. Even though you had lost your hope in terms of your emotions towards Sebastian there was a little part of you that still wished that he would make some kind of a move. It was Saturday night, you had already showered and got yourself ready to bed. You heard a notification and looked at the screen of your phone. “I’m outside your door. Wanna talk to you. XOXO, Seb :)”. He himself didn’t know why he ended the text like that. He was just nervous and high on adrenaline. The message was followed by three gentle knocks on your door. You let Sebastian in and before you could say anything he grabbed your hands and said “I, I I think I love you. For the past few months you had been my sunshine. You make me happier. I adore everything about you, every single little detail. Please make me an even happier man and let me take you out for dinner. And wear that dress you wore last week."

[cripplecharacters]

hello! do you have any advice on writing disabled characters in historical setting? specifically characters, whose diagnosis hadn't been discovered yet (for example I have a character with pots but they live before 1982)

Hi,

I love historical fiction, and know this can be a little tricky, because of course disability of various kinds has always existed and conditions are real before they’re named.

But you have options!

The most important thing, I would say, is describing the aspects of the condition and your character’s feelings and behavior around it (how they manage it, what they notice about it). You can also describe other people’s responses to how they feel and act.

You should definitely describe how your character feels about their condition. Do they wish there were others like them to talk to, do they actually already have a community of people similar to them, or do they wish no one else has what they have? Do they wonder if anyone they know is like them, or think they must be alone? Maybe they feel like their condition not a big deal at all and just an inconvenience, or maybe they feel really hindered by it and it greatly upsets them, or maybe they’re somewhere in between and sometimes get really frustrated and sometimes they feel it’s just a thing that happens.

And of course the answers to all of these will be different depending on your time period—someone with POTS in 1795 will manage their symptoms differently than someone with POTS in 1968, and the same goes for all conditions. But for POTS specifically, without naming it:

For the symptoms you can describe your character noticing that whenever they stand or sit up they feel their heart race and they feel dizzy or faint. They might not know why, but they’ll know how their body reacts.

You can describe what they avoid doing because they’ve noticed it makes them feel worse—maybe they take showers that are less hot, or go out as little as possible when it’s very hot/humid out, or maybe they don’t drink alcohol or coffee. Maybe it’s bad enough they can’t do some sort of work that is expected of them at their home, or their job, or school.

You can describe what they do because it makes them feel better—maybe they drink a lot of water, maybe they buy socks a size smaller because they noticed it makes them feel a little better, maybe they always give themselves an extra half hour to get anything done so they can stand or sit up more slowly. Maybe they take over someone else’s specific work because they can manage that better and trade with them.

As to other character’s reactions, some characters may be positive and always offer your character their arm when they’re standing so they can worry less about fainting. Some might be pretty neutral and just ask them why they never go grab a beer with them. Some might be negative and roll their eyes whenever your character needs extra time or to sit down for a bit.

People with POTS and similar conditions will recognize themselves in your character’s actions and reactions, and it’s very possible that people who have friends or family or people they know with POTS or anything similar will think “oh that’s kind of like what John Doe has.” And even if they don’t, they’ll still have read a realistic and respectful story about someone with a disability.

This goes for any disability, not just POTS. Just swap out the symptoms and ways to manage it and characters’ reactions accordingly.

Something you can choose to do, but you don’t have to do, is add a note at some point (but probably either at the end or the beginning of the story) that your character has what today we would know as POTS.

For an example I’ve seen in real life (not POTS related but about disability in general), I read a book set in the early 20th century in an institution, The Degenerates by J. Albert Mann. Since it’s a different time period, characters are referred to by terms we don’t use anymore at all or not in the same way, and many characters have conditions that we know about today but were not known at all at that time. What the author did was describe the characters’ actions (and thoughts, if they were the POV character), as well as how others reacted to them. At the end there was an appendix describing what each character might have been diagnosed with today, if anything at all (since not all people ended up at asylums because of an actual condition and some were just poor or Othered in some other way).

Thank you for your thoughtful question! I feel like I rarely see characters in historical fiction who have basically any disabilities, but thank you for wanting to create some :)

Good luck!

— Mod Sparrow

[umbra-borealis]

Dimitri Lousteau is the most 'human' villain in Sly Cooper

Hello and welcome to my TEDtalk, I've been meaning to type out my yapping for a long time but always talked myself out of it because I mean, this is coming from a guy with Dimitri for a pfp and I figured people would just take it as a guy on tumblr simping for a weird lizard but no. The reasons I care for Dimitri the way I do goes pretty deep and I could sit here and talk about it point by point but to save us both some time (and because I am DEAD tired) I made a graph!

I used Luciano, my little sona, to personify myself in this.

I focused mainly on formative things and similarities in personality without inserting headcanons, even if based on traits or even symptoms I recognize. Most of these are rather straight forward but some run a little deeper. The funny pattern here (maybe aside from the drug thing lol) is that there's a high likelihood that you reading this right now can at least relate to just one or two things on those list and while you could argue that you could do the same with other characters, I picked these traits because in my opinion they ride that thin line between just relatable enough to apply to a lot of people, but not too superficial to be on the same an interest or hobby. Anyone can get upset when angry, it's HOW you express that anger that says something about you as a person for instance.

I also want to quickly mention that yes, a LOT of characters in Sly Cooper are very human, but I said 'villain' for a reason. After all I don't think your average college kid can relate to Contessa, Rajan or Panda King because mass brainwashing, destroying villages and being a literal drug lord are bordering on supervillain and that's not what Dimitri is. A supervillain can be relatable to a degree as well, but it makes sense that the Panda King had to have a whole Moment TM (several really) to come to terms with the kind of person he allowed himself to become. When we see Dimitri in Sly 3, he seems to have already done this perhaps because his sins aren't nearly as great. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'll insert a read-more here but I'd like to ask you to keep reading anyway if you can because my biggest pet peeve is that Dimitri is seen as a dumb, sleazy (and old??? which is dumb and I got math to back up that he's not in fact in his 40s during Sly 2 lmao) lizard who's only good as a level 1 boss for beginners to learn the game and all he's remembered for, though fair, is his manner of speech and not what he's REALLY saying. None of you ever picked up on what he was throwing down so I'm going to spell it out for you.

(PS I have ADHD and it's 3 AM so go easy on me this is coming from the HEART baby)

To make it easier on myself and you, I'm going to start sectioning the word soup in my head into four categories based on Dimitri's enterprises and roles and just kinda... waffle on about my thoughts regarding them. I'll start superficial and work my way down to the Deep Shit. Feel free to skip around to whatever interests you since I include some lore too, though changes are you're already aware of said lore.

Lets start with:

Dimiti, the club manager.

Nightclubs, and the people that run them tend to have a bit of a sleazy stereotype attached to them, which I suppose is fair. Though a large chunk is attributed to movies and other media, there were in fact some really large and important movements surrounding nightlife and club culture. Just look up the Club Kids if you want to go down a rabbit hole, in short they were a fairly large group of partiers from the 90s who contributed a LOT to fashion and art movements as well as being generally very fluid when it came to gender. Unfortunately that too would eventually be plagued by drugs and members getting addicted to drugs. Again, I digress.

Dimitri is seen partying in the intro of his chapter in Sly 2,

which is a nice touch because not only is it in-character, it's something that would actually happen. Owners of a popular joints would be popular or just enigmatic figures that would regularly get subjected to patrons schmoozing up to them. Some weren't a fan but there were many that soaked up the attention, bought rounds on the house when business was good, maybe get a little TOO cocky with confidence. It's a bit too simple to look at Dimitri in relation to all this info and say 'no doi he was in it for the money it checks out.' because if you spend enough time in his club or just, in the safe house after placing the bug there's signs of more going on.

We KNOW Dimitri is a criminal and he did his whole art forgery business on the side, or maybe it's the other way round? Either way he seemed fairly confident in his skills with this. His biggest risk being that time he tried to marry someone over a STATUE. (Really dude?) So then why was he so damn paranoid? While you could argue that he was sippin' his own supply I don't think that's what it was. He was so paranoid he played his music super loud in almost all areas of the club JUST to keep his security detail awake through-out night and day, whenever his club wasn't open to the public. To compensate he would promise them they could all 'retire early'. with that fake confidence chuckle that masks a sense of 'haha please don't abandon me'

So, ever heard of Imposter Syndrome? Because his behavior as a club owner SCREAMS it. He wasn't JUST cocky and sleazy, he was simply fitting in with the culture of the time because *everyone* was overly confident, over confidence was something to be admired, something to look at and go 'yeah that guy has it figured out' while in reality most struggled with something, anything. So what is Imposter Syndrome? To keep it short and blunt, the overwhelming feeling that you're not worthy of your accomplishments. We know that Dimitri is a 'failed' artist who turned to forging art to make money, it could just be a sense of guilt telling him something he's not ready to hear so he starts overcompensating and this insecurity bleeds into Sly 3 after Sly puts him in his place. His success with this insanely toxic coping mechanism lands him a new enterprise.

Dimitri, the Spice distributor.

Rather than going chronological, I'm going through the 'layers' that is this lizard. So if his career as a club owner is the tip of the ice berg with some neat little facts and info about the stereotype he conveys, this subject is a tier deeper. Dimitri the Spice distributor is Dimitri the next level criminal, or so he thinks. When you think about it, it's pretty strange that they gave Dimitri some Clockwerk parts at all. He was never mentioned by the other Klaww Gang members and thus seemingly not missed either when he was the first to get busted. In fact, nobody was upset that their DISTRIBTOR was arrested, putting a hold on their primary income... or so we thought until the Contessa was revealed to have a rather large and lucrative side hussle Dimitri probably could never compete with. Dimitri was expendable, sure he had a role and he played it well but he was also a loss they could cope with without much harm done to their wallets or their pride.

I think about it often, Dimitri in his jail cell, maybe hearing from another criminal or even his lawyer after the whole Clock-La thing about the full scope of the plan. He might've gotten a reduced sentence for ratting the other members out because if you think back to his legendary conversation with Sly he really doesn't seem to know what he's talking about. ("What is it with clocks bro!?") All of Dimitri's other crimes aside, he was young and naive, Sly 3 reveals he came from some form of poverty as well so it makes sense that he'd chase easy money. That's all it was though, he wanted the money and the fame, he didn't want to brainwash an entire city, he didn't know about the giant robot owl. He's once again left feeling like a failure, this time one that was easy to fool and all the confidence he had as a criminal would've seeped out of him, starting this weird cycle of him trying something only to be caught breaking the law and ending up where he began.

Like I said all of this would bleed into Sly 3 and it's pretty damn neat that for how little lines he had and how little he was on screen, they managed to convey this well in my opinion. By the time we reach Sly 3, most of us don't remember him as a Spice distribtor at all. Which leads me to...

Dimitri the Artist.

Being an artist is a pretty broad term and while we know Dimitri as a painter, I think he applies his artist mindset in way, way more. He's genuinely creative an smart, he thinks out of the box to protect his secrets and to cover his tracks. His identity as an artist is also his most vulnerable and 'real' self. Folks will say art is about self expression and usually mean conveying complex topics with pretty pictures or thought provoking stories, however it can be apparent in smaller ways too and the most obvious thing for Dimitri is his business in forging art. Think about it this way:

Picture you don't speak a LICK of english, you're from a lower in-come family or even straight up poverty but you grew up on tall tales of your grandpa being a total badass who lived freely and seizes every opportunity he could to make money... or take it rather but you get the idea. Your grandpa used his talents as a diver and deep down, you know what your talent is. It's art. So you somehow manage to move across the world to Paris, go to an art school work your ass off to develop your own style, your own identity and when it came to making a name for yourself you were rejected super hard. You're now probably in debt, in a foreign country and all you're known for is being the art community's clown.

One thing that gets overlooked is that Dimitri's paintings aren't actually that bad.

He very clearly knows the basics quite well, he's using color theory to shade and add depth but as he goes from student to independant artist, he breaks away from the basics and develops a style. His color use becomes brighter, he adds little stars just because why not? He likes em! This style is PERFECT for the nightlife club scene he ends up in down the line of course, but in the world of pretentious parisian artist hipsters? Absolutely not. So while he's just being himself, he's shown that that isn't allowed, that wont get him success. It reminds me of artists who say shit like 'I'll just learn to draw furry porn I guess!' thinking it's a guaranteed money printer (heh) and whether they enjoy making that kind of content is irrelevant, which leads to burn out or in case they DO find success, imposter syndrome. The dread that you do not deserve this recognition because it's not something you're actually that passionate about, not something you want to be known for. Say what you will about Dimitri but he never compromised. And while the cutscene shows shoddy painted depictions of classical paintings, I think this was more to illustrate him forging paintings to a younger audience than imply he was a bad painter as just before those crappy version, we see what's probably the REAL version he would've painted and sold.

This is conjecture on my part but I have to believe it because well, art forgery is HARD. You'd have to actually be a freaking genius to do it and sell it for so high, you can just afford what is basically a freaking opera house in PARIS and turn it into a nightclub. Also did I mention Dimitri just, HAS a ~mansion~ in Monaco? Because he does.

I've also always liked that scene for the expression on his face. It's smug, it's so full of petty, passve aggressive anger, a stubborness to admit defeat and instead to just 'prove a point' even if that point is lost to the means being SUPER illegal. That being sad, I don't think any of us feel bad over this man stealing a couple thousand from billionaire pockets. Billionaires that probably have their own little illicit ways to get that cash. Funny... It seems Sly isn't the only one who steals from other criminals.

And you might've stuck around this long and gone 'Umbra, get to the fucking POINT already." to which I have good news.

Dimitri, the Marine Iguana.

My favorite part, feel free to skip ahead to this headline if you want.

So who is this guy anyway? Well, from Sly 3 we see that he has a mother, a sister and his grandparents and that's about it as far as we can tell.

Just look at that smile! He looks like your average, awkward teenager. No struggling on the streets from what we can tell, no bullying by bigger kids, no weird sociopathic tendencies, no childhood trauma or grudges. The events that changed him seem to all have happened after he left for Paris. Sure it aint much to go off of but even if his life was hard, it seemed he was close with his grandfather and got to know him for a decent couple of years. Marine Iguanas are, like the name implies, an aquatic species of reptile. They're well adapted to land but due to low food availability in-land, they migrated to the beaches and started living off of sea algae, learning how to dive in the process. Even in Sly 2 the devs included plenty of references to Dimitri's affinity for water. The windows in the dancefloor area of his club are partially submerged, there are two massive aquariums in his office, he lives on a boat (or hides there anyway) and has several water features but inside and outside his club.

When you take a step back and look at all that, Dimitri is... just a guy who left his home country, his family, to follow a dream only to have that dream shatter and he's left to pick up the pieces all alone, making poor choices in the process. Choices based on anger and a broken heart. And the truth of the matter is that ALL of this, could happen to anyone. Granted in varying different ways as not everyone's life is the same and not everyone will make the same choices but I think many of us had a dream career as a kid only to become a jaded adult who thinks it's unrealistic or only does that thing as a hobby, I think there's many of us that remember the moment our hearts were broken and we realized the cold, unforgiving nature of real, adult life.

We see the effect of ALL of this come to a head in Sly 3, when at first he's not sure if he should still be mad at Sly for putting him in jail while he's currently the only guy he knows that COULD break him back out of jail as well. He still overcompensates, he's still overly confident and he put himself in that cell but still, he honors his word and helps Sly and Bentley find their friend. Then in Holland we see him behind a bar, seemingly as if he's actually got a job as a bartender there. Heck, he DOES have a job! He's the announcer! He may not super like it but he's being humbled by it all the same and when Sly comes for help a second time, the bravado is gone for a moment. He expresses genuine fear, not necessarily for his own safety but for losing a job, for *failing*. Of course the right answer in this scenario is to hype up his confidence again. And because Sly has proven himself to be trustworthy in the past he figures he can trust him with a favor of personal, sentimental value. If anyone would understand how it feels to have your family name dishonored and an heirloom stolen, it's Sly and Dimitri knows that damn well.

I think this is about as real as Dimitri can get, aside from the whole scuba gear thing. I know the gang is disguised but I don't think Dimitri is at all. I think that's just... what he likes to wear, further making me think he's just a regular guy with so much heart ache he lashe out in some pretty vile ways. Tortured artists are known to do some crazy shit after all. And while he continues to be his funny eccentric self we know him to be, he starts to have his first real moments of genuine care and loyalty while a part of the Cooper Gang. He tells Bentley he 'has his own flavor' which is his way of telling him that he's unique an valid the way he is. He dives after Sly's cane in VERY dangerous waters, risking injury or even his life, no questions asked. He sends Bentley postcards and letters to let his friend know he's safe and doing well. But perhaps something that hits me harder than any of that, is how angry and shocked Dimitri looks upon Sly's 'retirement announcement'.

Here he was thinking he made a friend out of Sly, and just like that he was gone. It makes me wonder if he held onto that grudge or not but a part of me likes to imagine that he didn't. I think his time with that gang made him realize that although he might not understand and he might be upset, it's not all about him. If anything he silently continued the rivalry by seeing how many girls he could cram into one post card with him to one up Sly's act of running off with a girl himself or perhaps he took it as a sign to make a career switch as well. Either way, Dimitri ended up changing for the better, he became himself in the end. A sweet, goofball iguana who loves the ocean and loves to paint. Making money became a nice bonus rather than his main focus.

Coming from a similar, rough background, having gone to therapy and trying to find my place in the world, this gives me hope. Hope that if I look hard enough, I can find my niche too and that being myself is the best I can be. If you read all this, thank you. I fgured it was best to just get it ALL out at once. I hope it was a fun read or made you look at Dimitri a little differently.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

another anti-psych post from your neighborhood patient-therapist

In my last post I talked about the kinds of basic needs people and communities have, and asked what it might look like in your community to meet those needs as a baseline. This time we're going to talk more about what happens when communities and individuals are chronically un-/under-served.

Okay so let's break it down this way. We're gonna try looking at just one medical symptom of chronic stress: autonomic dysregulation. It's not going to feel like we are, but I promise that's all we're doing. This is a *serious* symptom and it often comes clustered with others due to the way it functions within the body, which is why I think it is a useful case study here. Autonomic dysfunction, especially chronic dysfunction, can temporarily (though for long spans of time if the dysfunction remains chronic rather than acute) alter the functioning of other systems within the body such as the endocrine system, the reproductive system, cognitive functioning through the hippocampus and amygdala, and muscle functioning, nerve functioning, and others. It is no joke to suggest that long term autonomic dysfunction can often lead to major long term health consequences that are life altering for the person experiencing them. While some can be treated, managed, or even cured, not all can be and this is something I want us all to keep in mind as we consider the need for building communities that do not cause this kind of harm to their people.

Let's look at some potential medical outcomes of autonomic dysfunction, per the Mayo Clinic:

Dizziness and fainting when standing, caused by a sudden drop in blood pressure.

Urinary problems, such as difficulty starting urination, loss of bladder control, difficulty sensing a full bladder and inability to completely empty the bladder. Not being able to completely empty the bladder can lead to urinary tract infections.

Sexual difficulties, including problems achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction) or ejaculation problems. In women, problems include vaginal dryness, low libido and difficulty reaching orgasm.

Difficulty digesting food, such as feeling full after a few bites of food, loss of appetite, diarrhea, constipation, abdominal bloating, nausea, vomiting, difficulty swallowing and heartburn. These problems are all due to changes in digestive function.

Inability to recognize low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), because the warning signals, such as getting shaky, aren't there.

Sweating problems, such as sweating too much or too little. These problems affect the ability to regulate body temperature.

Sluggish pupil reaction, making it difficult to adjust from light to dark and seeing well when driving at night.

Exercise intolerance, which can occur if your heart rate stays the same instead of adjusting to your activity level.

Some common comorbid conditions may include Diabetes, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Parkinson's, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or an autoimmune disorder. In each of these cases I want you to remember the lens of an individual body being denied, in some way, its base needs (an edocrine hormone, a nutritional component, the internal security of homeostasis, etc), to such an extent that it begins to experience an internal catastrophic failure, as this lens may often be supportive of accommodating your disabled comrades, or yourself, in the future.

I also want us to consider some common social statistics relevant to these conditions. Nearly 4% of the world experiences and autoimmune disorder. Most are women, and Indigenous, Black, and Latina women are at risk than most for several of these. In the United States, there are suspected to be 37.3 million people with diabetes. Diabetes is also considered an autoimmune disorder by researchers, and is one that the Indigenous, Filipino, Indian, Latine, and Black communities are all at higher risk for than white people are, however, risk is also heavily influenced by poverty, and by a family's location with respect to food deserts which grow more and more common. In a truly wild statistic, 80% of lesbians versus 32% of heterosexual women had polycystic ovaries in one study, and 33% of lesbians versus 14% of heterosexual women had progressed to PCOS. Some studies find that transmasculine folks are more likely to PCOS as well.

When we consider the marginalization these groups experience, and the way that marginalization plays out in the social forum, the political forum, in the financial forum, and in the emotional forum, are we really surprised to learn that it plays out in the embodied forum too?

This is what people mean when they talk about social murder. These are health conditions that don't just change lives, they end them. A system that churns out people so chronically sick that their bodies are desperately killing themselves trying to stay alive is a society that has become desperately sick. Diabetes is something we have attributed to individuals, to families, and even every once in a while to corporations, but at what point have we sat down and looked at a society that produces this murderous autoimmune disorder at such high rates and asked the real question: how are we making so many people sick?

The answers are many, and that can feel overwhelming, but I encourage you to start in one place and learn your way around it as well as you can before you even consider moving on. Maybe start with food deserts. They're probably familiar to you, you've heard about them in passing before I imagine, even if you're not really too into this stuff. But ask yourself WHY food deserts are able to exist? What are the mechanics of one being born? How does one stay free from the stain of a grocery store or food market? Are there any places like that near you? If so, what points of leverage might there be in that location for you to break the homeostasis of the food desert? How can you add your weight to efforts already occurring, or stir up sentiment around the idea of a new homeostasis where a grocery store exists? Can you put up flyers or attend town hall meetings? Can you knock doors or phone bank? Can you bring some sugar by your neighbors and comment how frustrating it is you all have to go so far to get your groceries and wonder what's up with that and maybe start scheming together? What kind of store should it be? Bring in a local market? A chain? Build a co-op or merchant's stalls for a four season farmer's market?

Get really into one idea, and get others in on it with you. I bet you aren't the only one who'd like a better status quo.

[ashisgreedy]

Professor Garreth Weasley x Female!MC

"A Potion Of You"

Tags|Contains: SFW | Fluff | Aged-up Adult chars like 21+ish | Old crushes die hard | Mutual Pining |

Word Count: 3,500 |Ch 2|

Chapter 1

The Three Broomsticks was more crowded than ever. She made her way into the bar, dodging and weaving people as she did. Her eyes scanned the patrons and landed on a familiar face.

“It’s been a while.” Sirona greeted her with a warm smile.

Her shoulders relaxed at the welcome sight. “Yes, it has.” She returned the smile, pulling Sirona into a friendly hug. 

It was warmer inside than it had been out in the cool night air. She welcomed the change of atmosphere, feeling the tip of her nose begin to thaw. 

“I didn’t think I’d see so many old faces in one night.” Sirona walked around the bar and waved her wand at the keg. “First round of butterbeer is on me.”

“Thank you.” She took a seat on the closest empty stool. “You said you saw other familiar faces here already. Do you know where they’ve gone? I’m supposed to be meeting up with some old friends but I’m a bit late.” 

She glanced around again but didn’t see anyone she immediately recognized. She figured everyone she used to know may all look much different anyway. They were older and more mature-looking now that they were proper adults and not children going through a slew of puberty symptoms. Regretfully, it had been years since she had last seen any of her Hogwarts friends. It’s not that she didn’t want to keep in touch. She did. But, her desire for adventure took her farther from the castle than she’d ever imagined. 

Her whole trip to Hogsmeade was a desperate attempt at seeking new opportunities. She wasn’t strapped for cash, but she was growing crazed for something new. The adventures she had as an adult were much less fun than when she was a teen. She grew bored of the humdrum and wondered if it would always be like that. 

When Amit saw her walking around town earlier in the day, she was promptly invited to the bar for drinks. Amit said a few others were in town for the weekend as well and that they should all meet up again for old-time's sake. It piqued her interest, of course. She wondered what everyone else was doing with their lives. She thought she could take some inspiration and find something she was passionate about like Amit had done.

She took a big swig of her butterbeer but she stopped when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Hey, stranger!” Amit greeted. He patted her on the back a couple of times boasting a huge grin. “I’ve been keeping an eye on the door to make sure I didn’t miss your entrance!” He shouted over the growing volume of the crowd.

“It’s good to see you again, Amit! Sorry, I am late. I got caught up chatting with the vendor up the road.” 

Chatting was one way of putting it. Truthfully, she was prying to see if there were any odd jobs she could take. A missing item? A recent troll attack? A possible kidnapping of a precious family pet?? Even if the task was small she was willing to pounce on it, as pathetic as she thought that might be. 

“Not to worry!” He laughed. “Oh! Can we get another round please?” He gestured to Sirona.

Sirona nodded, pointing her wand toward the keg. Amit pointed up the stairs. “Want to come join us? We’re just up the stairs on the first landing!” He swayed as he pointed. 

“Amit, are you sure you don’t need a glass of water or something instead?” She teased, grabbing her things as she stood. 

“OH! Come on! When do you think I will get to celebrate like this again so soon?! It’s good to see some old friends!” 

She followed closely behind him as he ventured back up the stairs. She wasn’t too sure who exactly would be joining them and found herself quite curious suddenly. 

“I want you to know that I had full confidence you would be joining us tonight! Unlike some people...” Amit squinted at Leander in acquisition. 

When he stepped out of the way she was able to see the ragtag group Amit had managed to wrangle. Her eyes scanned left to right waving and smiling at everyone. Her gaze stopped on another familiar face and she froze. 

“H-hey!” He stood, flame-red hair a bit longer than she remembered. His shoulders were broader and his face was more defined, angular. “You made it!” Garreth walked over to her and stood in disbelief. She wondered if he was going to hug her, but he remained at a respectful distance.  

“Hello, Garreth! It’s been a while since I last saw you. I don’t remember you being so…” handsome “...tall.” 

“Ah, yeah” he laughed, foregoing the idea of hugging her after all. “That tends to happen when you get older.” He looked over at Leander. “For some of us.” 

“Hey! I’m average height!” Leander balked. 

“Please, sit with us!” A brown-haired woman gestured. She recognized her face but couldn’t put a name to it.

“Yes, thank you… uh.” 

“Violet!” 

“Thank you, Violet.” 

Garreth ran his fingers through his hair and pulled out the nearest chair. “Yes, please have a seat.” He waited until she sat before he moved back to sit across from her. 

She settled in while he took a huge swig of his drink, banging the empty mug down onto the table when he was done. Garreth’s maroon tie was already loose and the top button of his cream shirt was undone. She drank in the sight of him, noting all the subtle changes since she last saw him. It was much warmer on the second floor of the bar. Everyone else's coat was already hanging off the backs of their chairs and their scarfs were removed. 

“Here you are.” Sirona came up behind them. She began to set fresh mugs in the center of their table. 

There were five of them now, all sitting together around a large rectangular table. Amit set to her right while Garreth and Leander sat directly in front of her. Leander was seated between Garreth and Violet. 

“What round are you guys on?” She asked, realizing just how flushed everyone looked. Amit was giggling at something Leander whispered. 

“What does it matter!” He threw his hands into the air. 

“One too many.” Garreth teased, pulling Amit’s new mug away. 

“Hey! Give that back!” He stood and reached after his butterbeer. 

Leander stood, held out his hand, and made sure Amit didn’t fall forward onto the table. “Maybe some peanuts for the table?” He suggested to Violet. 

“Yes, let me go see if there’s a bowl nearby.” She stood, smiling at the guy's antics. 

Everyone already seemed to be in such a good mood. She hoped it would rub off on her. She couldn’t shake the antsy feeling. Even now, back at her old stomping grounds, she was restless. Years ago, this place would have been a respite from all the activities she was always doing. Now, it WAS the adventure. 

Garreth leaned toward her and spoke in a low tone. “I think he was here for a while before we got here.” Angling his eyes to Amit. 

Leander nodded. “Much earlier.” He joined in a low tone. “He’s on the verge of getting tossed out of here.” He jested.

Amit settled back into his chair when Violet brought over the bowl of nuts. “So!” Amit began, slurring a bit. “What have YOU been up to these past few years.” He clapped his hands together, narrowly knocking over the bowl. Violet caught it just in time. 

She cleared her throat. “Me? Um,” She scoured her mind for anything in her life that sounded even remotely interesting. 

“Yes! What have you been up to?” Garreth added. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” 

“Your hair is longer.” Leander pointed out. 

“I keep it shorter now than how I had it in school.” 

Leander squinted. “Then you style it differently… or something?” He guessed, tossing back a handful of peanuts.

Garreth shook his head with a sigh. His smile was contagious and she found herself grinning too. 

“Do you work at the ministry? Or do you have your own shop?” Garreth pressed eagerly. 

“Well, no. I mean, I did work at the ministry briefly.” Very briefly… barely 3 days. She wondered how many of her jobs she should raddle off. “And, I helped out at a shop near where I live for a bit.” One time. “But, right now I mostly do odd jobs here and there.” She rubbed her hands on her legs. Her palms had begun to sweat. 

Garreth nodded thoughtfully. “You haven’t found anything you want to stick with yet?”

“Not yet.” She pressed her lips together. She took a large sip of her butterbeer and used her finger to wipe away any foam. “What do you do?”

Garreth smiled and began “Well, I-”

“He's a big shot professor now!” Amit blurted out.

“Oh?” She looked back at him with an impressed look. 

“Yep!” Leander clapped Garreth on the back. “He’s the potions professor now.” His eyes held a prideful glint for his friend. “I know, shocker.”

“That’s impressive, Garreth! How do you like it?” She asked, leaning in with interest.  

Garreth shook off Leander's hand from his shoulder and grabbed a fresh mug from the center. 

“I love it!” His leg hit hers under the table and he sat up straight. “Sorry,”

“It’s alright.” She smiled, waving him off. “Tell us how you landed that position.” She sat back and took another drink of her beer. 

“Connections!” Leander blurted. “Luck! Possibly even liquid luck!” 

���Shut it, Leander.” Violet quipped, tossing a peanut at him. “Just because you needed liquid luck to get your job at the ministry doesn’t mean everyone else needs it.” 

Leander fished for the nut Violet had tossed at him and ate it straight away. 

“Connections or not, Garreth is a very talented potions master now!” Amit spoke up. He had begun to sink into his chair while his eyes drooped. 

“Oh really?” She met Garreth’s emerald eyes. 

“If you can believe it.” He smiled kindly and held her stare. She could swear she saw his face redden a bit. 

Garreth was always chipper in school no matter the circumstances. Now was no different. It seemed like he’d always have a cheerful air. That was why she always gravitated toward him during their school years. Even on the hardest days, she knew he would lighten the mood and her spirits. 

“I believe it. I am so happy for you.” She leaned forward toward him and Garreth mirrored her. 

“I could give you a tour of my classroom sometime. If, I mean, If you are going to stick around for another day.” Garreth’s eyes glittered as he smiled.

“Oh.” She pushed her hair behind her ear. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be here.”

“Of course.” He sat back up. “I didn’t mean to impose or-”

“No, no! You didn’t. I would love to see your classroom. I just hadn’t thought about where I’d stay.”

Garreth leaned back in, smiling brightly again. “I’m sure Sirona could set you up with a room tonight.”

“This is so cute.” Amit sighed. “I still ship it.” 

“What?” She snapped her head toward Amit and pinched her brows in confusion.

“Amit.” Garreth spoke his name sternly. She wondered if he used the same tone with his students when they acted out in his class. 

“Bah!” He waved his hand. “It was years ago!” 

“What was?” She inquired. 

“Nothing- Amit!” Garreth spoke over Amit as he began to ramble.

“Garreth used to be so hopelessly in love with you.” Amit sighed, clutching at his heart. “It was so cute listening to him go on and on about if he should ask you out or confess to you. He had so many plans to ask you on a date and not one time did he follow through.” Amit laughed. 

Leander nodded in agreement.

“Amit that's enough.” Garreth glared at Amit, desperation in his tone. 

“I had… no idea.” She kept her gaze down and readjusted in her seat. Her foot hit Garreth’s knee as she tried to cross her legs. 

“We always begged him to just ask you out already,” Leander added. “He was so annoying about it.”

“Please.” Garreth’s voice was quiet.  

“I think that's enough, you two.” Violet pushed the bowl of peanuts toward Amit. 

“Yes yes, sorry. But that was ages ago” Amit began. “I just thought it had been long enough that we could talk about it openly.” Amit gestured widely at the table. 

There was a beat of silence. 

“If you don’t mind, I am going to get some fresh air.” She stood, smoothing her skirt down. 

Garreth buried his face in his hands. 

“I’ll go with you,” Violet added. 

“No, no. it's okay. It’s just getting a bit stuffy in here.” She turned toward the stairs. Her steps picked up speed the farther she went. 

The night air blasted her face and she could feel the hot blush that had been crawling up to her ears. Despite it being Garreth that everyone teased, she felt just as flustered. 

She took deep breaths, allowing the cool air to fill her lungs all the way before she exhaled. 

It had been so long since she thought about how she felt back then. She and Garreth were inseparable their last few years at Hogwarts. She always suspected that he might have a thing for her, especially when he always had some kind of gift to give her. But, when he never pursued her, she let it go. She chalked it up to it just being a personality trait of his, being flirty and kind. Even if he was just that way toward her and no one else. 

She crossed her arms and moved out of the way of the door to let people pass. A pang of regret radiated through her. Maybe she should have been the one to speak up while they were in school. Maybe then she wouldn’t have had to go stag to the yule ball. Her eyes began to sting as she stared up at the starry sky.

“Can I join you out here?” Garreth’s voice came from behind her. 

She tore her eyes from the sky to where the voice came from. He had fixed his tie and put his coat back on. 

“Of course, you can join me.” She shot him a small smile. 

“I hope that wasn’t too uncomfortable…” He rubbed his hands together. “I’m sorry for… all that.” 

“No, it’s fine, Gar.” His years-old nickname felt so natural rolling off her tongue despite it not being used in quite some time. 

“I want to make sure you are okay…” 

She nodded. “Thank you. I’m okay.”

“You got out of there pretty fast.” His smile faltered. “I felt the same. I’ve never wished for an invisibility potion more in my life.” His laugh sounded strained. 

“Oh? The new potion master doesn’t have every potion on him at all times?” She quipped, finding a bench to sit on. She looked over at him thoughtfully and then pat the seat next to her. Garreth quickly obliged. 

“That’s a great idea. I'll keep a bottomless bag of all my potions from now on. You never know when you might need them.”

She smiled as she looked down, digging her toes into the gravel. “Was it true?”

Garreth was silent. 

“Was any of it true?” She pressed again. “Did you really like me all those years?” 

He didn’t answer right away. He blew warm air into his cupped hands then fished through his pockets. “Is it okay if it is?”

“Garreth.”

He sighed, slipping gloves onto his hands. “It’s true… I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I never wanted you to feel that way around me.” 

“All those years? You liked me all those years and you said nothing?” 

His head dropped. Garreth licked his lips and nodded.  “I didn’t want to lose you… you were my best friend. I-”

The alcohol she’d downed earlier began to tingle in her head. She willed the butterbeer to help her calm down. She didn’t think she could handle her heart hammering any faster than it already was. 

“I had the biggest crush on you.” She rubbed her temples. Getting everything out in the air would be best. If this went south, It’s not like she lived here and she was going to bump into him again. She would get it out of her system at least. It was only fair since his dirty laundry was already aired. 

Garreth’s face lit up. “You did?!”

“I did. And, I always wondered if you felt the same way…” She clasped her hands together. “I mean I thought you felt the same… sometimes. But then you’d pull away again and I would be left confused.” 

A smile crossed Garreth’s face. 

“Did you doodle my name in your notebook?” He teased, relaxing more in his seat.

“Shut up.” She laughed, pushing his arm. “No, I didn’t.” 

“Liar.” He smiled so wide, his whole face lit up. “Well, that's too bad then.” 

“What is?” 

“It’s too little, too late. Right?” He put his hands behind his head and stretched.

“No... No. It’s not. Is it?” 

“It’s not?”

She shook her head. 

Garreth leaned closer to her. “So, if I asked you on a date tomorrow night, you would say yes?” 

“A date?” She searched his face to see if he was being serious. 

She studied him for a moment, bathed in the yellow glow of the lantern street light. Her eyes followed the curve of his ginger lashes as they curled upward, pointing to his well-kept brows. She noticed how the freckles closest to the center of his face were slightly bigger than the ones on the outskirts.

“Would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow night?” He spoke in a low tone. Not a hint of mischief in his words.

When she realized he was being serious, she nodded affirmatively. “I would love that.” 

Garreth returned her smile as a blush rushed across his cheeks. “I am so happy right now, wow.” He laughed. 

“Where are we going on our date?”

“Hmm,” He tapped his chin. ”May I keep it as a surprise?” 

“Sure. I’m fine with it being a surprise. Just let me know what kind of outfit I need to wear. I don’t want to wear heels if you’re taking me on a hike.” 

“Deal!” He agreed. “I’ll send you an owl first thing in the morning.” 

They sat for a moment in comfortable silence, gazing at each other. 

“This feels like a dream.” He reached over for her hand. 

She reached out, palm up, and accepted the gesture. 

“I can’t believe you liked me for so long and didn’t say anything.” She teasingly shook her head in disbelief. 

“I know. I was so stupid.” Garreth laughed. “I mean, if I knew what I know now, I would have asked you out ages ago. But…”

Her brows perked up as he fell silent. “But, what?” 

“I’m kind of glad we didn’t get together in school.” He rubbed his gloved fingers over the back of her hand.

“Why’s that?” 

“Because statistically speaking… we might not have still been together.”

“I see.” She leaned in closer to him, watching him trace the lines of her hand. The buzz from the beer had spread throughout her body. She felt warm under her winter coat.

Patrons continued to walk into the three broomsticks despite how late it was getting. 

“This place is pretty lively nowadays, huh?” She wondered out loud. 

“It really is. I think the population in the area has gone up a lot since we were in school. A lot more houses have been built.” Garreth bit his lip and dropped his gaze. Another group walked past them, laughing as they entered the building. “Would you like to go back inside with me?” Garreth asked. “Despite what happened at the end there, I was really enjoying catching up with everyone.” 

“Me too.” She nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go back in with you.” 

“Awesome! We will just make sure Amit and Leander are cut off for the rest of the night.” Garreth stood and offered her his arm. 

She laughed with him, linking her arm with his. “Deal.” 

—-------

A|N: I saw lil-grem-draws post about Professor Garreth and was obsessed with the concept!

Also, HI I'm AshWren! This is my first fic in almost 4 years. I forgot how much fun it is to write!

Thank you for reading!

Read Ch 2 here.

[electrikworm]

Test Subjects: Part 3

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Relationships: Crosshair & Echo & Hunter & Tech & Wrecker

Content Warnings: Blood and injury, Drug Usage, Choking, Emetophobia

Summary:

Echo and Tech catch up to Wrecker, but Wrecker isn't about to go down without a fight.

Word count: 2,296

Read on Ao3

Echo contacts Hunter when they manage to corner Wrecker, only to learn Crosshair's in a similar state. He informs Tech, who sighs.

Tech takes a step towards Wrecker, making Wrecker lurch forwards and take a swing at him, only to press himself against the wall again.

It took them far too long to get him here, trapped in a small storage room. Wrecker cleared out the few droids that had been in there, only to promptly start panicking when he managed to get himself stuck in a corner.

Echo and Tech are in front of him, trapping him between the wall and two shelves. He looks like a scared animal, glancing about frantically and swiping at them blindly. He's still clutching his chest and heaving for air. Echo helped bandage Wrecker's burnt hand, but that's been long bleed through, leaving bloody marks on anything he grasps at. If there's that much blood through layers of bandages and Wreckers blacks, Echo's not sure he wants to know what the skin underneath looks like.

What ever the stims have been contaminated with can't be good. The most likely perpetrator is the separatists, like those reports Echo read about contaminated bacta. So far, the symptoms seem to show that the contamination was made to make soldiers attack their allies, so Echo hopes the stim wasn't designed to kill the user.

Echo can't believe something like this could happen. If this is the kind of quality control the GAR has, Echo's worried for the safety of every soldier. Either that, or they've got separatist spies infiltrating the supply chain.

“Any ideas?” Echo asks. They tried stunning Wrecker and all that did was hurt him by the looks of it, even after four direct hits. Echo isn't willing to try that again unless they run out of ideas. There's no guarantee Wrecker won't be permanently harmed by stunning him in his state.

“He's weakened, our best option may be physically subduing him,” Tech answers.

Echo hates to admit it, but Tech's likely right. With his ARC training, Echo's managed to beat Wrecker countless times when sparing. But Wrecker wasn't trying to kill Echo then and he wasn't desperate either.

“What do we do if we get him down?” Echo asks. It's not like they carry binders on them.

“He may be able to recognize us if he is forced to calm down.” Tech approaches Wrecker slowly, blaster in its holster. Hand to hand combat seems to be the way to go here.

In a sudden burst of speed, Tech launches himself forwards, grabbing hold of Wrecker's arm, trying to twist it behind his back. Wrecker is surprised by the attack, but not long enough for Tech to complete his manoeuvrer.

Echo can see the punch Wrecker's hoping to land on Tech a mile away, moving to block it with his arm.

“Trikayc, vod'ika,“ Echo mutters, knowing his next move is going to be dirty. Using the momentum from blocking Wrecker, Echo connects his foot with the knee of Wrecker's injured leg. It buckles under Wrecker's weight as he grunts in pain.

Just as Echo's about to move out of Wrecker's range, he grabs Echo's chest plate, bringing him down onto the floor as well. The air is knocked out of Echo's lungs and his vision briefly turns black as he hits the ground hard. Echo can't see it, but Tech's pained cry and the crashing that follows tells him that Wrecker got his arm out of Tech's grip.

Wrecker ties to run, but after all the trouble it was to get him trapped here, Echo isn't going to let that happen. He sweeps Wrecker's legs out from under him, standing up in the same move.

Dazed from the impact, Wrecker lays flat on his stomach for a moment. Long enough for Echo to kneel on his back, putting a hand on the back of Wrecker's neck to pin him to the ground. Wrecker's arms flail uselessly, unable to reach Echo as he dodges.

But then Wrecker seems to realize that he has other uses for him arms, bringing them to his side and pushing up off the floor. Far too easily, he shakes Echo off, slamming him into the shelf in the process. Echo thinks he must have hit his head, his surroundings swaying as he lays crumpled on the floor.

Tech did something to draw Wrecker's attention, having cornered himself in the process. To stop Tech from being grabbed, Echo throws the closest item he can reach at Wrecker. The object, previously stored on one of the shelves, appears to be metal by the sound it makes hitting Wrecker's helmet. Wrecker snaps to look at Echo.

Not wasting an opportunity, Tech runs at Wrecker, shouldering him in the chest hard enough to make Wrecker's back hit the shelf. Good thing the shelves have been attached to the floor, Echo thinks to himself as he staggers to his feet.

Wrecker grunts at the impact, is however barely slowed by it. He gets his fingers under Tech's shoulder bells, throwing him by them. Tech slides across the floor, coming to a halt near Echo. There's a bloody handprint on his right shoulder, standing out against the white he's painted it.

“This isn't working,” Echo hisses, making Tech glare up at him from his spot on the floor.

“I am acutely aware of that, Echo,” Tech responds as he uses the shelf to get himself standing.

“What the kriff is in those stims?” Echo asks, keeping a close eye on Wrecker. He's moved back into the corner again. ”He just keeps getting back up again. He's not responding to anything. It's like he can't even see us.”

Despite Wrecker looking weakened and moving sluggishly, there's a seemingly limitless well of energy in him. Echo's certain he and Tech will go down long before Wrecker will.

“I might have an idea,” Tech says, “However, I doubt you will like it.”

“What?” Echo asks, sighing. He quickly learned that the plans the Bad Batch, especially Tech, come up with are an entirely different kind of crazy. What's worse, is that Echo's found that quite suits him. He only wishes Fives were still around to take part in the chaos. He would have loved it.

But when Tech says he thinks Echo won't like a plan, Echo knows better than to doubt the statement.

“You will just have to trust me.” Without elaborating further, Tech charges at Wrecker again.

It takes a moment for Echo's brain to catch up what's happening, simply standing there watching as Tech ends up pressed against the wall by Wrecker. It only then dawns on him that he should intervene.

This time he kicks Wrecker in the back of the knee, making him stagger and drop Tech. He turns to Echo, swinging at him with little to no aim.

“Don't distract him,” Tech spits as he gets up. “I have to try something.”

“And just let you get hurt?” Echo hisses back, dodging a weak kick from Wrecker.

“Trust me,” Tech repeats. He goes for Wrecker's arm again, fumbling with his vambrace. Wrecker gives up trying to hit Echo, instead swiftly closing his hand around Tech's neck. Echo moves to sweep at Wrecker's legs again, but Tech shakes his head, even as Echo can hear him gasping for air.

One of Tech's hands is on Wrecker's, trying to give himself some breathing room, the other is still at the clasp of Wrecker's forearm armor.

Echo doesn't want to ignore Tech's wishes, but he hates having to stand here, just watching the fight Tech's losing. Wrecker wouldn't want this, never. But Echo trusts Tech. He still readies his blaster and stands close. He won't let either of his new brothers die here and he sure as hell isn't going to just watch if it gets to that.

Wrecker's heavy breathing and Tech's struggle for air are suddenly broken by Wrecker's vambrace clattering to the floor. Echo watches in confused silence as Tech starts tapping Wrecker's forearm rhythmical. He taps it twice, pauses shortly, then taps it another two times followed by a longer break. Tech repeats this rhythm over and over.

“What ever you're doing isn't working,” Echo shouts, preparing himself to break the two up.

“It will,” Tech wheezes, barely audible with his neck constricted as it is.

And then Wrecker's shoulders tense and he releases Tech, immediately reaching for him with a shaky hand. When his palm connects with Tech's helmet he gingerly feels about the plastoid. Tech is slumped against the shelf, coughing and clutching his neck.

Echo takes a step forwards, wary of what Wrecker's doing. Evidently Wrecker isn't a fan of the sudden movement. Faster than Echo can react, Wreckers hand covers the front of his helmet, gasping it tightly.

“No,” Tech orders, voice cracking, and for some reason, Wrecker listens. With his visor uncovered again, Echo can see that Tech's tapping Wrecker's arms again.

“What are you doing?” Echo asks. He's never seen any of the Batch do anything similar.

Tech gets to his feet, swaying as he moves, still holding Wrecker's arm, still tapping it. Wrecker stands frozen. “Ah, it's something we did as cadets,” Tech says, “Both to identify one another and reassure each other.”

“You risked your life to bet on Wrecker remembering something you did years ago?” Echo asks.

“It worked, did it not? Besides, we still use it occasionally.” Tech sounds awful, neck likely swelling already. “Could you push his helmet up for me? If this is anything like a regular stim, Wrecker will likely be sick at some point.” Tech doesn't stop tapping Wrecker's arm.

Echo nods, moving slowly as he approaches Wrecker. He still flinches, but doesn't try to hit Echo again.

Wrecker's expression is vacant but fearful, eyes and pupils blown wide. His eye movement as well as breathing is frantic. Blood streams from his nose and mouth in addition to the saliva seeming to coat his chin.

Echo pulls a cloth from his belt pouch. He'd used it to clean the joints of his prosthetics earlier, so he cringes at the oil smeared on it. He uses the cleanest corner to wipe Wrecker's face. It's not exactly sanitary, but it feels wrong to leave his vod covered in his own blood like that.

Wrecker cringes away from his touch, squeezing his eyes closed. Echo apologizes quietly.

“Wrecker's heart rate is alarmingly high and he's running very hot. He also seems to have very limited vision and hearing,” Tech observes.

“Is there something we can do to help him?” Echo asks.

“Getting him to the Marauder is likely the best option,” Tech says, slinging Wrecker's arm over his shoulder. “I will try and keep him focused on me, but we should be ready to deal with him trying to attack again.”

Wrecker leans his head against Tech's helmet. “Tech...” he says, voice slurring.

Echo isn't sure if he should take that as a good sign. Carefully, Echo supports Wrecker from the other side. He grips his blaster tightly. With Tech focused on Wrecker and Wrecker barely conscious, defending them from droids will be Echo's job.

Echo cringes as he sees how heavily Wrecker limps as they start moving, knowing very well that he played a significant role in making his little brother's leg injury worse.

“We got him to calm down,” Echo speaks into his comlink once they're out of the warehouse, “How are things with Crosshair?”

Hunter groans, sounding exhausted. “I got him, but you don't even want to know what a hassle it was.”

“Complain to me about it once we're on the ship.” Echo's comment gets a laugh out of Hunter.

Typically, they can't go long without a break, droids attacking them shortly after Echo's talk with Hunter. Tech manages to shoot and keep Wrecker reasonably calm, but with less accuracy than usual.

The nearby battle clearly affects Wrecker, agitation clear in the way he 's clenching his hands and looking about. It gets worse every time they're faced with enemies.

Echo's head seems to do nothing but worsen either, persistent pain building with their agitated movement. He can feel blood running down the back of his neck, soaking into his blacks.

He can ignore that with ease, he's been through far worse and it's not like headaches are anything new to Echo. But when he's hit with a sudden, intense wave of nausea, Echo has to let go of Wrecker and rush to the side. Years of training make him able to remove his helmet before he's sick.

When his stomach calms its self, Echo feels rather bad for leaving Tech to support Wrecker's weight alone. Tech's barely keeping both of them upright.

“Well I certainly didn't expect you to be the one out of the three of us to throw up first,” Tech says. Echo can't tell is it's supposed to be an observation or a joke.

“I hit my head,” Echo states, wiping his mouth with his hand.

Tech doesn't ask any further questions, letting Echo silently take his place next to Wrecker again. Echo grits his teeth as they continue, urging himself to fight against his body screaming for rest. He sighs in relief when he starts recognizing the corridors again, placing them near the way they entered.

Smaller groups of droids are milling about the area, but significantly less than when they first arrived. Their luck has been abysmal, but Echo is prepared to see this as a win.

Once they're finally out of the base, Echo pats Wrecker's arm. “Just a little further, Wreck'ika, then you can rest,” Echo says, reassuring himself just as much as he's trying to do so for his brother.

Wrecker just groans in response.

Mando'a Translation:

Trikayc – sorry Vod'ika – little sibling 'ika - diminutive suffix, can be added to a name as a very familiar or childhood form

[mysticmoon02]

Splitting in borderline personality disorder

What is splitting?

To simply put it, splitting is a psychological defense mechanism for a person with BPD.

“Splitting” means seeing a person either as all good (“they are the best partner/friend ever!”) or all bad (“do they even like me/know me at all?! I am so upset I feel like ending this”). The switch from idealization to devaluation.

Splitting allows a person with BPD to tolerate extremely difficult feelings (e.g. rejection, perceived abandonment).

What causes splitting?

Splitting occurs when something happens that triggers a person with BPD. This trigger can seem small or harmless to the average person but usually refers back to previous trauma where the person felt extremely lonely, rejected or abandoned.

People with BPD tend to respond in emotional extremes, any small or negative thing (change in tone of voice,body language or even just taking long to respond to a text/not responding) causes feelings of insecurity and discomfort which can lead to Splitting as a way to emotionally protect themselves from re- experiencing trauma.

Examples of splitting

*you are either “perfect” or “evil”

*something “always” or “never “goes right

*you are “always” or “never” here for me

As people with BPD may even split on themselves and either think they are the worst person ever characterized by extreme self hatred, or they feel they are the most amazing/ intelligent person characterized by the BPD “god complex.”

Symptoms of splitting

Note: a person with BPD often experiences emotional dysregulation, which means they are not able to manage their emotions like someone without BPD. Therefore, when a person with BPD splits they usually act in a way that falls outside of a “normal” response. Please be understanding.

*feelings of disappointment or betrayal

*feeling unloved, insecure, rejected, or abandoned

* becoming angry or withdrawn/isolating themselves by not responding to messages, answering very shortly or uncharacteristically or being argumentative

*they may even become very angry at themselves

*engaging in impulsive/ dangerous activities to manage extreme feelings of anger or sadness

How to help a loved one who is splitting

*don’t become angry, defensive, or ignore them. This will cause the person to split even more. The best thing to do is to recognize when they are splitting and to stay calm.

*setting boundaries are important BUT so is validating and reassuring the person with BPD that you are not abandoning them or rejecting them and letting them know that you still care about them.

*once you reassured them, it is a good idea to suggest that they take some time to calm down before discussing what might upset them.

*through clear and constant communication, you can really help the person with BPD regulate their emotions.

Please note this about splitting!

Splitting is in no way a choice! We do not split to Manipulate or seek attention.

People with BPD experience intense and overwhelming emotions and struggle to intergrate good and bad feeling because they are so big to us.

Splitting is a subconscious mechanism that allows people with BPD to deal with emotions that are contradictory.

[longing-for-rain]

why would anyone want to prove race/sexuality/ability isn't real? Is there even any group of people that benefit from postmodernism?

Absolutely. Pretty much every government, religious institution, and other power structure. Think about it. If race isn’t real, how could racism be real? If sex isn’t real, how could misogyny be real? If we can’t define what makes someone disabled, how can we define how they experience discrimination? It’s very much in the interest of people who benefit from these power structures to keep people quibbling over definitions than actually addressing the root of the issues.

See, this is why postmodernist thinking is dangerous. We have become so fixated on individualism and identity that we forget to think about why power structures exist and what functions they serve. Do you think we have discrimination because some people woke up one morning and decided to be assholes? No; it’s not an individual choice. It’s as ingrained and widespread as it is because of the ways it benefits people in positions of power and maintains them in those positions.

Take racism and classism for instance. The widespread belief that one group of people is inherently inferior to another. This thinking is what so many civilizations used to enslave huge portions of their population to use for labor. It doesn’t really matter that the ideas of race and class are social constructs; regardless of how we parse down their definitions, they way they are actually used is more important to addressing those issues, so that’s what benefits people in minority groups to focus on.

It’s the same way with misogyny. In most societies, pervasive misogynistic myths that women are weak, submissive, inclined for childcare, etc. have lead to effective enslavement of women, allowing our labor and bodies to be exploited. You can make the argument that some women are infertile, etc. and therefore can’t be exploited for reproductive labor, but let me ask you this…do you think women in misogynistic cultures are afforded the same rights as men on the basis of being infertile? No; they aren’t. Quibbling over technicalities like that does not meaningfully address the issue.

The ways this manifests can be more subtle, especially in modern times. The best example I can think of is something I’ve witnessed personally as an autistic person.

Disability and what exactly defined a disability is something that I see debated frequently, especially with autism since it’s a spectrum and presents differently in different people. However, it does make certain aspects of life difficult, and many autistic people require accommodations to help them.

So here is what I’ve encountered. I am what you would call “low needs” in the sense that I don’t really require accommodations in my day-to-day life; my career is suited well to me and I am able to manage my symptoms. That is not the case for all autistic people. Many autistic people do need some degree of accommodation so it makes sense that those people receive the most attention in advocacy focused on those accommodations. Imagine if I went up to those advocates and told them they need to change their language and focus because I don’t feel included and it’s invalidating to me as an autistic person without the need for those accommodations. I say this because I’ve actually seen other autistic people do this. Like I’m sorry, I get that it can feel isolating to be autistic and not recognized; I did not know I was autistic until I was an adult woman. But it’s just not productive to center yourself when there are people who need access to accommodations; by fixating on yourself, you’re making it more difficult for them to do that. Sorry if this is insensitive, but if your biggest issue is not feeling validated enough as an autistic person, that is a privilege. Stop focusing on yourself, on definitions, on labels, and start focusing on things that actually address people’s needs.

And yes. I really do think this logic benefits ableist government institutions who view disabled people as a nuisance that costs them money. They will absolutely latch onto this idea of “autism is a spectrum and can’t be truly defined” to justify “therefore we have no reason to fund support for autistic people since there is no way to define if they need it” which is…clearly a problem.

I hope that gives you a better idea of where I’m coming from when I criticize this, because I really do see the rise of this thinking as a kind of backlash to the work done by activists, and it’s a bit scary to see people who claim to be activists eating it up.

[multiplicity-positivity]

what the fuck am i meant to do if being a system is still completely miserable. i've tried so fucking hard to get anything out of this and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of seeing how so many years of effort has amounted to absolutely nothing no matter what approach i take when someone who has known for like a month is happier about this than i am. i'll probably be dead before i get anything positive out of this whatsoever

hey, thank you so much for reaching out to us. we’re sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much and system life has been difficult for you. we’re not sure what you’re looking for here, be it some advice, encouragement, or just a listening ear. we do have some words for you, but we’re putting them under a cut in case you don’t want to hear any advice/encouragement and were just looking to vent (which is always welcome here, by the way).

okay first, we’ll say that we know it’s difficult, but comparing yourself to other systems is only going to cause you more pain and strife in the long run. every system is different. every system’s personal journey is unique. and just because some systems are able to get along perfectly with excellent communication after only a couple months of trying… that doesn’t mean every system can or should function that way.

if it’s any consolation, our system also struggles a lot due to our plurality. we have parts who fight, communication can still be difficult to manage, balancing everyone’s interests and desires can be overwhelming, and dealing with dissociation and cptsd symptoms on top of everything else makes life often feel abysmal and hopeless. it took us years to achieve the level of communication and comfort with each other that we have today, and even then, we’re not exactly stable. we can assure you, you’re not alone in feeling like you’ve made no progress with your system. there are lots of folks out there who have been in your shoes, or are currently dealing with similar situations.

for many, many systems, especially those of us with dissociative disorders, life is very hard. learning to accept your plurality is hard. learning to cope with your trauma history is hard. learning to communicate and get along with your alters is hard. it’s all extremely difficult, and you are absolutely owed a bit of credit.

you’re here. you’re alive. that is a major accomplishment! and we’re very proud of you for making it this far.

also, you’ve been trying. you’ve spent years attempting to make progress. that also counts for something - your efforts deserve to be recognized, even if you feel like they have been fruitless so far.

recovery is a very long process. we’re not sure if you’re in therapy, but if you’re going at it alone, it can be a monumental task and often feel impossible. and when you’re in the thick of it, it can be quite difficult to see the progress you’ve made, or feel like anything has changed at all. we don’t know you personally, but it could be that you have made progress - it’s just hard for you to recognize or see it at this time.

if anything, know that we see you. we recognize your efforts and while we cannot understand the unique pain you’re going through, we sympathize and have seriously struggled ourselves. even if you really have made absolutely no progress, we have faith in you and we know that it won’t always be this way. please don’t give up. please keep trying. and look after your mind and body too, while you’re at it.

we believe in you. we’re wishing you and your whole system the very best with healing, building communication, and founding positive, happy, healthy relationships. and if you never get there, know that you are still deserving of love and acceptance just the way you are. we seriously hope that you can find that, friend.

[phantalgia]

Untitled

I'm feeling mentally stuck again. Like my mind feels unable to move again. There is something I want to focus on, to think about but I can't get my mind to move. In fact, much of my worries about certain things have disappeared. Right now, I'm just stuck in this unable to think phase.

Right now I'm trying to analyze why it's so hard for me to pursue my hobbies and interests. I've made some progress in that but, this always happens, my mind refuses to move. Instead it's choosing distractions and other nonsense to "avoid" it. I'm not sure if my mind is doing anything else.

I have done something different two days ago. I started to really think about my own mind and how it works. I'm deconstructing my mind and noticing all the parts of it and what it does. There's nothing scientific or factual. Instead it's my own made up understanding of things to help me figure out what I do.

What I Learned About My Mind

So I managed to figure out there's at least 3 basic parts of my mind. I've labeled them as numbers as placeholders. 1 is my inner monologue or the rational "me". That's what I'm using to even be able to write to begin with. There's 2 which is the distracting part of my mind that goes against or takes over 1. Then there's 3, the omnipresent "observer" that just takes in everything and may focus on important things or all things. It takes information and gives it back to 1 or 2.

The observer also has an archive which is where important memories and stuff are. Relevant things and such. To take what I feel and relate it to past memories or words or ideas. You can see how I managed to just divide things up and look at each part differently. They also work together or work independently from each other.

But, I noticed 2 really likes to take over 1. I'm not sure if the current mental block I'm having has anything to do with 2 or not. I have noticed that anxiety is also a close relative to 2, unsure if it is 2 or not. But that "area" where 2 is, that's where a lot of my anxieties and perfectionism is. Whether it is 2 or not, it's there. It will do anything to distract me. Oftentimes, as stated before, taking over 1, my rational part that allows me to type.

What I Tried To Do Today

I tried to really have a neuroscience and psychology perspective as to what was happening in my mind. And specifically figure out why I feel so stuck with my interests and why I can't move my mind. Not just that, but also why I feel certain ways with them. I also wanted to notice any physical element to this whether it is anxiety or not. As I'm writing right now, I can certainly say there's a physical element to this.

I was getting dissatisfied with the neuroscience and psychology approach and I was getting mostly tired than anything. Perhaps I could try again. But I want to know some things. Why does perfectionism/anxiety highjack my mind? Why does it feel like there's more to it than just perfectionism?

Perfectionism And Interests

When I think of my interests I think of a lot of things. I think I need to step back and really organize myself, take proper notes, follow a linear trajectory, realize I failed because I abandoned said interest weeks ago, I won't know how to pick up where I left off, I'm too slow, impatient, I need to sort my mind first. I could go on. Then there's the physical symptoms too.

There is no joy in anything I do really. I don't enjoy anything. Everything I do feels like a chore. Even when I get "invested" into something. There is not a shred of joy or sense of "this is exciting". Instead they give off a stress response. I really don't get it. Like I said, this happens even while doing an interest. There are some exceptions. Especially if they're are not necessarily interests but a means to an end. Like learning about computers to build a PC or maintain one, but even that isn't watertight.

At this point this feeling is all I know. It's gone from just being a mental feeling to a bodily FIRST sensation before even being recognized as emotions or feelings. Even videos games aren't safe from this. It's like no matter what I do, there is always this stress response that something isn't right.

And that's where the block happens...

My mind simply won't try to analyze it. What the heck is the essence of this fucking thing? I sat in the bath tub today trying to think this through but my mind refused to touch on it no matter how hard I tried to prime myself using 1's rational thinking. 2 kept sabotaging, going to random places while Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love was playing on repeat over and over again in my mind for some reason. It's chaos.

See, now I don't know where to go from here. My mind doesn't know how to move any further. I checked my blood pressure while I was typing and it rose a little bit, some slight hypertension. I'm feeling my other physical symptoms exacerbated by COVID like nerve pain. Don't know if this is the stress from the situation or just the writing. Just writing and talking about this is really draining as is.

Anyway, could I be overthinking? It's possible. But it doesn't negate the fact it feels real. The pain is real. How I stop it is a whole other question. It's all I know for the past...what? 16 years? I want to know what it's like to engage with something and not have it be painful. I don't even know what that's like. I get there is some stress that is necessary. That's fine, but it should be temporary or tackled by the joy of exploration.

I don't know the specifics of this thing. Perhaps I will never know. I was thinking about how I might deal with it at least. I have some ideas. I could accept parts of it, question other parts of it. Write down what comes up with them. Some sort of R E C O N C I L I A T I O N. I don't know what that looks like but I need to make room for also letting it pass. A way where I can also change.

Is There Any Hope?

So, it's probably going to be hard to actually figure out what this thing is exactly. I probably won't ever know. So what I need to do now is have some sort of plan that will let me handle these things when they happen. I don't know an ability to step back and really think this through.

It's still fuzzy as to how I'm gonna do it. I won't have it figured out today or for a while obviously. I'm still in pain, and stress. Especially stress from all this writing. It's taking up so much energy from me right now. The nerve pain stinks. I know there's part acceptance with these feelings but also a need to move forward, perhaps slowly tailor it in such a way I can move past these feelings and actually enjoy what I'm doing. Maybe I can train myself to enjoy rather than feel stressed by what I'm doing. I don't know really.

[gabatelepsychiatry-blog]

Is Domestic Violence Connected to Depression in Men?

Depression isn’t gender biased, both women and men are equal victims of this mental disorder. In fact, it is harder to recognize the signs in men than in women. How many men do you know who openly share their inner thoughts and emotions? Definitely not the men we know!

This society has created such a social stigma around men and their emotional intelligence that we don't know or have never understood the pain behind their actions. 

This generation is thriving to build a more inclusive society. Domestic violence from men can actually be related to a depressive disorder. Some studies have found a correlation between depression in men and an increased risk of perpetrating domestic violence. 

Your happiness matters. Connect with a depression counselor for a brief call and discover the support you deserve.

How common is depression in men?

In the U.S., about 1 in 6 men will experience depression at some point in their lives. This can make the risk of suicide significantly higher, with nearly 14 men taking their own lives every day.

On a global scale, depression affects over 280 million people, and more than 700,000 people die by suicide each year. Men are especially at risk, being roughly three times more likely to die by suicide than women. This underscores the urgent need for better mental health support and intervention for men everywhere.

Signs of Depression in Men

Identifying signs in men is quite challenging, considering the fact that you notice the men around you more often and can notice even a slight shift of emotion or mood in them. Here are some common signs you can look out for:

Constant sadness or irritability

Loss of interest in activities they usually like to do

Sleep patterns change

Feeling tired constantly

Sleep patterns

Problems with focusing or memory

Heightened angry 

No longer interested in food or losing weight 

Self-medication through the use of drugs or alcohol

To Learn more on Depression and its effects and symptoms, visit our page to read a comprehensive blog

How Domestic Violence Contributes to Depression in Men

Research has shown that men dealing with depression might be at a higher risk of exhibiting harmful behaviors in their relationships. It's important to handle this topic with empathy and understanding, acknowledging that mental health issues and domestic violence are complex and intertwined. 

Depression and Behavior: Depression is something that can change a person’s perception of their ability to cope well with stress. It often ends up with the person displaying actions like anger, irritability, mood fluctuations, an inability to manage their emotions, or intrusive thoughts. For some, this may escalate further into harmful actions.

Impact on Relationships: Depression can contribute to unhealthy family dynamics, including withdrawal, increased conflict, and communication breakdowns. In extreme cases, this can manifest as abusive behavior.

Risk Factors: We can’t categorize every man out there as susceptible to abusive behavior or domestic violence if they have depression. But certain risk factors, such as history of abuse, untreated trauma, substance abuse, or a lack of support systems, should also be considered. 

Approaching the Issue

Depression and domestic violence are both complex issues with many contributing factors. Not all depressed men are violent. It's essential to emphasize that the majority of men with depression do not engage in domestic violence. Depression alone does not cause someone to become violent. 

Addressing domestic violence requires a complex approach that includes mental health support, substance abuse treatment, education about healthy relationships, and challenging harmful societal norms.

If you or someone you know is navigating these challenges, seeking support and talking about these issues can be a powerful step toward healing. Let's foster conversations that promote mental health awareness and safety for everyone. 

Feeling lost in a sea of sadness? Connect with a depression specialist over a call and start your journey towards healing and hope.

[ask-spider-man-61610]

Specs, you’re a good spider, right? At the very least, you’re a hell of a lot better than I am. You don’t need to get down here, we’ll handle ourselves just fine. I need.. I need advice.

How do you steel yourself for the most horrible things you’ll ever see? I feel like a child to admit it but I’m finding.. difficult.. to move forward. I know what I must do to survive down here and for the most part, I was managing this just fine.

But something about my last encounter hit me in a way that I wasn’t anticipating. I recognize it from what I’ve seen from my father when he came back from the war; I believe the term for it is “combat fatigue”. Not a doctor by any means, but I’ve seen it in action for a long enough time to draw some connections to it.

But unlike my father, I don’t really.. have a place to rest. How do I convince the rest of myself to keep going in spite of this?

- @ask-percyparker

I wish there was an easy answer, Perce. I really do.

I've been in that position...a few times over my career. Or maybe a few hundred. I haven't really kept track. I understand the feelings of...of numbness, hypervigilance, lingering fear and anger and guilt...in my time period, it's not called combat fatigue anymore. Its official name is post-traumatic stress disorder. And, if you're very, very lucky, time and distance will eventually take some of the edge off.

I'm not lucky. But that's beside the point.

Methods of managing it--ignoring therapy as an option, because in your case it isn't--tend to be slipshod, and their effectiveness tends to vary. Sometimes the stuff I do works great, sometimes it's all but useless. When I was fifteen and my symptoms were just starting to get debilitating, Aunt May taught me some exercises with controlled breathing that I still use to settle myself during an episode. Talking to people I love and trust takes a lot of the weight off my shoulders...although, I'll admit, it takes some effort and bravery to make myself start those conversations. You've got Theo and MJ; allowing yourself to lean on them will help more than you can imagine, even though I know every instinct you have is terrified of being that vulnerable. It's hard, but it's worth it. Usually.

And to brace myself for the future?

...That's even harder. I'm not sure there is a good way to do it. But what I do is keep those loved ones close to my chest, and keep myself focused on why I put myself through this fuckery.

I was an awful, awful kid in my first few months as a vigilante; mostly just out there to vent my frustrations and get some photos to sell and ease that knot of guilt in my stomach about what happened to Ben. And because I was in it entirely for myself, those first few disasters hit harder than I think they would've now. I almost quit like a dozen times back then. But eventually I started to realize how many people my selfishness hurt, and how much I could genuinely help if I tried, and I started to understand my...my obligation to help where I could. My responsibility.

I won't say that understanding and accepting that responsibility made me a better person, because I'm not sure it did. But it did give me the strength to keep trying. To push forward and roll with the punches, because I wasn't just doing it for me anymore. I can't promise it'll do the same for you--but it might be a start.

[raiiryuu]

HEADCANON: Bane Particle Exposure

Laxus was fully prepared to not make it back, once he'd made the decision to try and save the others. His life wasn't as important, as long as they lived. You can see the absolute desperation in his face when he's swearing he won't let anyone else die on his watch. His guild has hurt enough, and part of it was his own fault -- like hell is he going to just watch it happen again.

Freed is more resistant to those particles than the others due to the nature of his magic, similar to Laxus himself. They both know that. So Laxus gives him what, at the time, he assumes is his final order: get them home. Not us, he's not included in his thinking at all. [Also, HUGE fucking props to Freed for managing what he did, holy shit. King.]

Not a lot was going through his head while he did that, after that conversation. He didn't have time to think; that level of intake meant he pretty much immediately went down. But the last thing he expected was to wake up. It was brief, at first, just flashes of semi-consciousness and pain, but he recognized he'd somehow survived, and that he was hearing voices from the guild. He finally did wake up, in a hospital instead of the guild's infirmary, in the scene where he grabs the Raijinshuu. That is a rough point, as things are catching up to him. His team is fine, that's the most important thing, but they almost weren't. It's in that moment that he's looking back on everything that's happened, on the things he's done (and hasn't), and finding new resolve.

Laxus didn't hear about what actually happened in that town until later. A small part of him had known, on some level, but hearing of the damage and the death toll left him feeling hollow for a while.

He could never do enough.

This line of thinking and his newfound determination to actually keep his family safe is part of why the team goes to Blue Pegasus, after Fairy Tail is disbanded. Despite the initial misery of the more host aspects, he could tell even just from the Games how pretty much the entire guild looked to Ichiya as a reliable ally, and he was there to find out why, to follow that example.

What he didn't expect was for the Raijinshuu to, once again, connect with the guild in a way he couldn't seem to.

Very few people outside the Raijinshuu themselves and Porlyusica know anything of just how bad he got fucked up, after what he did, Gray being one of them. The flare-ups that still plague him can affect various things, though the most common is his breathing. Sometimes it's stomach pain and nausea, not being able to keep food down for days. Sometimes it's more general chest pain, feeling like something huge is trying to crush his ribcage. Sometimes it's just strain, that horrible sensation that he can't get air into his lungs despite him breathing (mostly) fine. The side effects are fading slowly but surely with treatment, but it's very likely it won't ever fully heal, and he's accepted that. If having this new lease on life comes with a few caveats, he'll take them in stride, and he knows his team will have his back. Part of his resolve has come from them, as well -- though it's not something he enjoys, he doesn't hide when he's feeling off from them. He's surprisingly open about it, though he does still tell them it's nothing to worry over.

[Interaction dependent: All three are aware of the general prognosis and treatment, for Laxus and for themselves, and likely have some kind of reminder system for each other when it comes to it.]

But the worst, to him, isn't any of the medical symptoms. It's that sinking sensation that this is all some sort of comatose delirium, and that he'll wake up and find everyone else dead around him. It's that biting, blood-freezing terror that makes him get up in the small hours of the morning and check that the team's okay -- even if he has to travel to do it, if they're not close by. He knows he's not the only one that feels that way -- sometimes he meets one of the others in the hallway, and there's a meaningful glance shared, but rarely any words. Nothing needs to be said, on nights like those, but sometimes he does anyway:

I'm glad you're okay.

[infamousbrad]

Brad's Food Pellets: the HDR?

Statement of the Problem: C-PTSD and Orthorexia

Most Recent Experiment: Military-surplus Humanitarian Daily Ration packets?

I have recurring bouts of pervasive anhedonia, probably related to C-PTSD and definitely made worse by the texture sensitivity of my autism-spectrum disorder. One of the major impacts of this on my life is that I have severe difficulty staying fed: I have days, sometimes multiple in a row, where the thought of eating anything makes me gag. Eventually, when I'm on the point of collapse, I'll choke down some of the fattiest, most sugar-sweetened food there is just to keep from getting falling over or passing out, if that's all I can stomach. But that ends up making things worse, because it's not satisfying and it's even more depressing.

This has been made worse in recent years by seemingly non-stop pressure to lose weight, despite the absence of any scientifically demonstrable way for me to do so. In the last year or so, this has manifested as what I recognize to be the symptoms of orthorexia, food-avoidant behavior driven not by desire to get thin but by fear of "eating something that's wrong."

One way that I've been trying to manage this is by experimenting with what one of my closest friends calls "Brad's food pellets." These are food solutions that are as nutritious as I can make them while meeting several criteria: high shelf stability, low price, and perhaps most importantly, lowest possible prep time, cooking time, and cleanup time. If food's going to be gross no matter what I do, I need to at least get it over with quickly.

I found out via a Reddit blog post that there is a now 20+ year old collaboration between the big-three military-ration companies, at least three US government agencies, and at least two big disaster relief charities to continuously improve something called the Humanitarian Daily Ration: a salmon-pink nigh-indestructible self-padded heavy Tyvek envelope containing 2200 calories' worth of vegetarian, kosher, halal, nutritious, varied food that can, if necessary, be eaten with no additional preparation, for a maximum of $5 per day.

The collaboration hasn't settled on "good enough" and based on user feedback, they've revised the menu at least three times that I can find evidence of, not counting the one that's in progress right now. Because there's a new 2023 formulation (more infant-friendly food in every packet, substitution of sesame for peanuts), huge stocks of the 2011?-2022 formulation are being dumped onto the military surplus market right now. The State Department, the Army, FEMA, the Red Cross, and the UN High Council for Refugees are rushing to stock up on the 2023 formulation as fast as the big-three "MRE" companies can make them.

So it's trivially easy, if you search online, to find multiple vendors offering to ship a crate of ten 2022-model HDRs for $50 or less, including shipping, even though they're explicitly not intended for general civilian use. I decided to see if these would make acceptable "food pellets" and ordered what turned out to be "menu B," the one that primarily comes from the vendor Sopakco. Which crate you get is deliberately random, they're not labeled on the outside, and online reviews suggest that "crate B" is the worst of the three, so this makes a good worst-case experiment. It came with:

10 packets of unfrosted brown sugar Pop-Tarts, two per packet

10 peanut butter packets and 10 strawberry jam packets (bread not included)

16 packets of ultra-concentrated mildly-spicy tomato soup in three different flavors: lentils with rice, black eyed peas with rice, and lentils with potatoes and mixed vegetables (or as I said after adding the red and black pepper, "three different flavors of vegetarian chili")

4 packets of ultra-concentrated mild yellow curry with rice & lentils

10 packets of large saltine crackers flavored with powdered mixed vegetables, two per packet

10 large shortbread cookies

10 large cinnamon-oatmeal cookies

20 ingredient lists printed on heavy card-stock, and

10 "accessory" packs, each of which contains one plastic spoon, one napkin, one wet-wipe, one salt packet, one ground black pepper packet, one large red-pepper flake packet, two sugar packets, and a pack of paper safety matches.

Yes, the breakfast and both deserts are identical every day and, frankly, not great. The cookies and the Pop-Tarts are astonishingly dry and crumbly for the crate still having more than two years left on its "best used by" date. The Pop-Tarts and the shortbread cookie are also awfully bland for something that's going to be eaten every day. (Which is why they've been replaced for 2023 with tastier options.) At least the cinnamon-oatmeal cookie, dry and crumbly as it is, is very flavorful.

Each daily packet includes two of the concentrated-soup entrees, with a predictable rotation, but guaranteed not to be the same two days in a row. I can reconstitute one in a small saucepan, with half a packet or so of water, on an induction cooking plate in not much more than a minute, and once I crumble in one of the two daily crackers, it's an astonishingly tasty meal, enough that it cuts through both of my food-aversion issues, with zero cognitive/emotional load on me -- just grab one of the two that the packet chose for me.

2200 calories a day turn out to not be enough to satisfy me on some days, but I have previous "food pellet" experiments that I can pad out a menu with. I can write those experiments up, if there's any interest in the reblogs or comments?

But for now, I think I have, if not a solution, a reasonably well-tolerated treatment. As long as they're available on the military-surplus market, I'm going to re-order a crate every time I drop below four packets left. And, specifically:

On any day where it takes me longer than two hours to persuade myself to eat something, anything, for breakfast, it means I'm having one of "those" days, so I'm going to open another HDR packet and eat whatever it gives me.