#really what a shame im too fucking depressed to do it more because i get told time and time again im good at it and i KNOW im good at it

[epaily]

my writing kicks ass actually

[dekusleftsock]

HMMNGGGSHSHHSHD IM SO LATE TO THIS BUT THERES SO MANY THINGS IVE WANTED TO SAY FOR SO LONG AND IVE JUST BEEN TOO DEPRESSED OR BUSY TO DO IT

I did just re-read the chapter, hazbin/helluva hyperfixation is gone y’all I’m back and ready for more.

Okay so, a couple of things I noticed. Let’s start there.

Throughout this chapter, it really is heartbreaking to see how Izuku regards one for all as Allmight’s power, and therefore a disrespect to him to give that away. Which is quite frankly insane given the nature of what the power is, but regardless it still shows me just how deeply he still cares for and admires allmight.

It also makes the transfer Izuku makes to Katsuki in the heroes rising movie all the more intimate; izuku wouldn’t just give the power to anyone, if not for himself (which is also clearly due to that fact since he still sees ofa as the thing that makes him a hero, not his characteristics), then simply out of respect for allmight and his legacy.

It’s just the anger you can see, feel in those words as he demands to know why. I’ve personally been in the boat of “Izuku dislikes Kudou immensely bc he hasn’t proven to be heroic and amazing like Katsuki has, and also he insults him a lot why would he like him”, since Izuku does genuinely have self respect (a common mischaracterization imo), he’s just also more forgiving and faithful to those he admires or loves (or both).

SPEAKING OF SELF RESPECT AND MISCHARACTERIZATION!

I want to highlight the words “But even so, this boy refuses to throw in the towel”, bc it’s such an important part of Izuku and his character.

He isn’t overly self sacrificial, he isn’t a masochist, he isn’t even a martyr—especially not a martyr.

Izuku is stubborn. That is not the same thing as wanting to constantly die for others; izuku is like Katsuki, he wants to fight for others. Giving up just simply isn’t in his morality.

And if “giving up” also includes letting someone die or failing to save someone out of his own negligence, that’s not because he wants to die.

I can’t explain how much the interpretation that Izuku wanting to die, even for others, is so fucking out of character. Izuku is stubborn, he’s stubborn in the way that he won’t just fall over and let the ground take him. Given the circumstances, Izuku would fight for his life just as he would fight for another.

THIS HAS BEEN THE CASE SINCE, I DONT KNOW, CHAPTER FUCKING ONE?

“Idiot! If I’d really jumped, you’d be charged with bullying me into suicide!! Think before you speak!!”

“Idiot…”

Like he’s so unaffected by the awful comment outside of being angry at the DISRESPECT of said comment. This is why all those damn suicidal Izuku fics have always felt so ooc. Izuku isnt a moody, brooding ball of depression, he’s a stubborn, courageous, and angry ball of depression. There is a difference.

Even before this, he literally attempts to say something or fight back to Katsuki, honestly it looks like he’s about to punch him here.

The only reason he DOESNT is bc HE DOESNT WANT TO GET HIS ASS BEAT

Btw for anyone who has or ever will be in Izuku’s position, punch him. I love Katsuki But hit him in the fucking gut. If you get your ass beat at least you can say you can took it like a champ.

Speaking from someone who regrets not punching three girls who were trying to gang up on me in middle school🫶🫶🫶

Anyway, I’d argue that Izuku not taking Katsuki in a fight was made out of self preservation, something he very much has.

And last but not least, we get to this lovely fucking page.

First of all…

Hm, ain’t that strange?

I’m not saying it’s fully a parallel, I’m just saying it’s something to consider.

Especially with the context that I don’t think Izuku feels shameful here.

He’s been a hero who didn’t look like one once before, I’m sure a snide comment through Shigaraki is nothing in comparison to the literal hundreds of civilians afraid of him.

Or, even more interestingly, what if he’s shameful of it, and okay with that? Now THATS some control over your emotions. This is demonstrating the very thing Banjo told him in the first place; using his emotions to fuel him. Let himself live with them, breath with them. They exist, and they hurt, and that’s fucking okay.

But it begs the question…. Why bring attention to it?

Clearly horikoshi WANTS you to see that Izuku is the one who looks like the monster now. He even looks devil like, blackwhip coming out of his back the way it is just feels like wings.

But maybe… maybe this is how he stops sweeping problems under the rug. Maybe this is him, Izuku, at his most animalistic form. Him. At his core. This is the Izuku he doesn’t want people to know.

The faceless, long clawed, oozing black monster.

He’s a kid who can take a fucking beating. He’s not Deku the useless doll, nor is he Deku the hero. He’s simply Izuku.

And you know what’s even more likely?

The black pit of anger that Shigaraki has formed, fueling his uncontrolled emotions and anger and despair, with the light tear showing something underneath…

What if, this was Izuku’s black ball of anger and shame, except this one is escaping his body, pouring out and showing all of that for what it truly is. Pent up rage, uncontrolled emotion, anxiety and shame, all mixed into one hell hole of a person—but a ball that can be molded, controlled, torn apart from the inside out.

See, the same way Kudou tears at Shigaraki’s mental breaking to see what’s underneath, so have the ofa users for Izuku. Slowly, but surely, the people in Izuku’s life have, while created that ball in the first place, also worked to destroy it. The final piece of the puzzle is for Izuku to choose to let it happen, and he is.

Learning to sit in one’s fear, doubt, hatred, anger, sadness, grief, happiness—without that emotion having to be something, simply something that flows through you, that you can choose to act on or not; this is where Izuku’s arc is coming to its tipping point. We are nearing the climax, I can feel it.

[sour-ggrapess]

OPP THOT

Gang!member!hoseok x fem!reader

requested by @midnight986 .

a/n: ima change it a bit but the concept is still there. Sorry for the break but I had a exam and my allergies are beating my ass so bad rn and im in my depressed era because my love is leaving ;( . And this is prob my last fic for a while

summary; hoseok wants you and revenge so whats a better way to get your pussy and revenge than to fuck you and send it to your opp boyfriend?

warnings; oral (m), mentions of drugs and violence , rough sex, daddy kink, cum feeding, slight oral (f) , mean hoseok, slut shaming, over protective , choking, squirting, cheating on Kai, recording, gun play.

rere was listening to; OTR cypher x tell em

"B-but, what about kai?" You complained in a moan as Hoseok ran his tongue along your neck. "You won't have to worry about him for much longer baby" Hoseok groaned against your red, wet skin and went back to sucking and kissing making little moans leave your lips. "If he finds out he might-" you were cut off by his lips leaving your neck and replaced by the cold metal of his glock. His eyes now serious and fulled with lust. "Shut the fuck up about him, Soon only my name will pass by those cute lips." Hoseok said as he slowly dragged the barrel of the gun down your lips then back up signaling you to open and suck it.

"Show me how much you want this dick" Hoseok demanded as he watched the long cold metal slide into your mouth. The tip of the slide sliding up and down your tongue, stopping you mid way due to the trigger peace and hoseok's fingers holding onto it like he was ready to shoot at any moment. "Good slut, now do that to my cock."

You moan at feeling of the glock sliding out out your mouth making you feel empty. The only thing connecting you and glock is the line of spit hanging from your lips that was soon broken by hoseok moving it to the temple of your head. "knees now, bitch." Hopping off the chair and now in between hoseok's legs. Pulling his black dior loose fitting pants down to his ankles along with his black and orange playboy psd boxers causing his hard member to spring out and hit your nose. His size was jaw droppingly big making you scared to deep throat him. you want nothing more than to suck the hell out of him.

You take grip of his shaft and lick his sticky tip leaking pre-cum. Your tongue sliding in between his slit, moving up and down causing him to grip your hair and moan loudly and that's when you noticed he was recording. You didn't want him too but it turned you on and you really couldn't do anything because he was holding a gun to your head. He grabbed your hair forming a ponytail as he slammed your head down on his whole length causing you to choke and gag.

He pulls your head up and down a couple of times before letting go and letting you do it yourself. Eyeliner running down your cheeks as you bob your head up and down on half his length. Tongue swirling all over his shaft, up and down as his tip hit your pharynx. Spit and precum leaking all over his balls and your chin as you looked into his phones camera lenses. "Suck like a good slut baby" Hoseok groaned through his teeth as his hand went back to your scalp after he put his gun down now having only his phone and your hair in his hands.

Sucking harder and faster while your hand twist on the length you can't fit. "t-take it all in baby". He had enough as he grew  impatient and pushed your head all the way down on his lengthy cock causing you to gag. Spit mixed with precum started to drip out of your mouth. He grasped your hair as he harshly fucked into you throat, long strings of sexy groans of your name. You tried pulling away for air but his euphoria got the best of him "Take this dick bitch". He kept on slamming your head down on his cock as he liked to see you fight for air on his cock. One short gasp as pulled you off his cock. Spitting all the spit and pre-cum back on his cock and balls. He pulled your head off of his length and grabbed his glock.

"All fours for me baby" Hoseok demanded as you stripped from your leggings and over sized tee-shirt along with your thong. On all fours as told when you feel the cold metal pressed against the back of your head as he slid his thick length in your hole. You felt him slide out due to how slippery your hole was. It had felt like he was shoving a giant bottle in your hole making your cunt raw and burning. "Cant f-fit daddy, FUCK!" "So wet and slippery for my dick. Do you get like this for Kai huh?"

The truth was no. Kai was average size and wasn't as vocal as hoseok. He truly did something to you and you wanted him for the longest time. "Mhhhh, fuck. So fucking tight." Hoseok groaned as his length left you moaning his name as soon as he entered you. "Daddy please!" You screamed out not knowing what you were begging for, maybe for him to go faster or to stop you didn't know.

His hips snapping hard against yours making your ass bounce back with every thrust. His thrust growing faster as his tip pushed on your cervix with each thrust. You could feel his dick all in your stomach and to mention he was doing this with no hands. His hand grabbed a fist-full of your hair along with the gun in hand making your back arch so deep your moans turned into screams. "You like this big dick huh?" "do you think about kai while my dick fucks into you huh?". Hoseok growled through his shut jaw as his cock stirred up your insides like he was cooking a potion.

All hoseok got in response was high pitched moans and squeals. "Answer me bitch" Hoseok demanded as he completely ruined his rhythm and slammed into your cervix harshly to get your attention. "Fuck! Daddy Yess! Love your cockkk" You whined out dragging all your words like a tired child. Your vision started to go and your eyes started to burn, the feeling from your pussy was growing and traveling up. "Gonna cum, fuck!" Is all you could get out before hoseok took this to his advantage and started slowing down but going even more harder. It felt like he was splitting you in two, You felt it snap and hot liquid spray all down your legs and over hoseok as his balls slapped on your clit.

"Fuck! Dose Kai get your slutty cunt like this?" Hoseok almost screamed as his hips bucked and he shot his load into you. His dick slipped out with such ease due to how wet your cut was. Hoseok brought his phone camera to your hole as you shook like a dog drying off after coming out the rain.

His tongue dove straight into your hole as he sucked the cum out like his life depended on it. "FUCK HOSEOK!" you screamed and came again, on his tongue due to the overstimulation in your cunt.

He flipped you over and spat all of the fluids straight on your tongue. You wanted his touch and dove in his mouth sucking all the flavor off his tongue. He flipped the camera view making it face him.

"Have fun sucking and fucking my cum dump, bitch" He spoke into the camera following a little chuckle.

"where was you at? Kai asked as he grabbed your waist pulling you in for a hug. "With sooyeon, why?" You responded knowing good and well hoseok just fucking destroyed your cunt. "For real because I saw hopes car outside."

Kais phone goes off with a text message notification sound. Unknown number of at least a number he never saw before.

1 attachment sent dose she suck your dick like this?💀

Kai clicked the video as he watched the first few seconds in horror.

"YOU DIRTY BITCH"

© KOOK-NET 2023 — ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

hi!!!! kicks my feet id like to see ur wiwi first death thoughts pls

- @suckinitup

MY BELOVED MUTUAL SUCKINITUP HOW ARE YOU. HEAD IN HANDS. I LOVE WILLIAM WISP. FUCK. i think abt him constantly but i almost never write down my thoughts because if i think abt him for too long i make myself sick. like fr. i love him too much. ouuguhghhg going to just straight copy paste this under a cut because it is SO LONG sorry for any typos or sentences that sound weird out of context bc these were originally discord messages:

ohhhhhhh wiwi first death. god . i have so many fucking emotions about wiwi first death. before i get into this im going to say fork found in kitchen to myself because so much of how i view wiwi comes from a VERY SPECIFIC type of dp fanon that it would take me 12 years to actually explain in detail so im gonna say just trust me and understand that william wisp is literally just a fuckign. walmart rebrand of a type of danny characterization i really wish people would just oc-ify (thank you charlie slimecicle for doing this for me)

okayyyyyy okay okay okay. i love there being like. a STARK fucking difference between william before the fall and william after the fall. william before the fall was so much... brighter. in every sense of the word. he looks ALIVE because he is! hes just a . regular fuckign 16 yr old boy. that weird kid in your math class. and yeah he has . suuuuper undiagnosed untreated depression but like its a small rural town thats normal i think. hes got his little group of friends to spend hours with going on cool hikes and reading about the paranormal at the library and sitting in circles talking about conspiracy theories and things. i think UPP is. awesome. i hesitate to get too attached to them in headcanon world just because i dont want bizly to then introduce us to them in s3 and i have to reframe my whole mindset . whatever. i have vague ideas of who they are but the important bit is like. i just think theyre really good friends. and they spend a lot of time together. and william is kind of their defacto leader because... he is the only one of them who actually has truesight. they all believe in ghosts and monsters and stuff but william is the only one who can actually SEE THEM. like. constantly. and thats a lot. and even though they believe him they dont really like.... understand. which kind of makes william feel disconnected from basically everyone around him at all times. i dont think truesight is probably a well-known thing?? so when he was little and started crying to his parents about monsters they thought he just had bad night terrors and then he just................. hes 16 now and still talks about it (less so now, hes learned the horrors of middle- and hihg-school Shame and not to be Super Weird All The Time) so its more like. hmm theres something Wrong here but we dont know what and we dont know how to help. other people (you included ros) have said this better than me but goddddd you knowww the dynamic btwn william and his parents is rough. they love him! so much! and they want to support him! and william loves them too! but they dont GET IT they dont UNDERSTAND and its like. you know what i mean. when you get a mental health diagnosis and suddently everyone is treating you like youre made of glass and nobody really knows what to say around you anymore or whatever. you know what i mean. that.

ANYWAY ALL THIS IS FUCKING. PREAMBLE. GOD. the fall. man. i think there is a STRICT UPP rule of "dont go into the whispering woods alone" and thats the case for the ENTIRETY of their friendship. DONT go into the woods alone. william knows exactly what kind of shit lives in the woods and he knows hes the only one that can reliably see them and he doesnt want anyone to get hurt. MINIMUM of two members for whispering woods investigations. (this is not a town rule or anything. i think the adults of deadwood are aware that its a weird place but it all gets brushed off like . aha everywhere has quirks! and the UPP are like. the conspiracy kids that know the Real Stuff going on. very..... house of anubis is the closest Real Media vibe i can think of rn. UPP pre-fall is like the closest u will get to . scooby doo style monster of the week shenanigans that arent really super serious because theyre safe as they can be about it! bunch of kids doing a ouija board. you know how it is)

uhhhhhhh and then william starts acting weird! i think all of them are on a whispering woods investigation together and theyre all walking together and then william starts lagging behind, staring out at something none of them can see, kind of like. zoned out. tranfixed. and when theyre like "will what do you see?" he shakes his head and snaps out of it like. huh? what? nothing lets keep walking. (it was a wisp btw. obviously) and there are a couple more incidents of him doing this same thing on that one hike until eventually they decide to call it because theyre not finding anything else and tbh william youre kind of freaking us out here. will you be okay? and hes like yeah of course i will guys its nothing i swear. and then they all go home.

and thennnn without telling anyone a couple days later, william goes on a walk in the woods alone. he broke his OWN rule . on that hike he saw wisps and they were just too far away to see clearly off in the distance between the trees but he just Kept Seeing Them and the curiosity was just nagging and nagging away in his brain so much he had to know what they were (thats wisp magic babyyyy you know the mythology around them i dont need to explain that to you) . (and also there is a fair amount of. lack of self preservation because of the previously mentioned untreated unmanaged depression but if i start talking about that in detail i will overshare and also be soooooo emo forreal. know that that is an EXTREMELY important part of this decision but im also going with a little more of the teen mystery angle with this rn. bloody gory mental illness is for after he falls) so he packed his monster investigation backpack and he just. left. didnt even tell his parents he was going he just walked out of the house after school and went into the woods. and he saw the wisps again, but now that he was alone they were Closer and Brighter and they would move whenever he got close and then there was a trail of them ! like they were Leading him somewhere

and i think with some of the monsters he sees he can feel whetehr or not theyre out to hurt him . and the wisps dont feel like that. they feel... well. cold,becaue theyre ghosts, but also warm at the same time? inviting. they dont want to hurt him (they do) they just want to show him something and william "too curious for his own good" wisp wants to know what that thing is! i think he knows the woods really really well because he spends a lot of time out there. so somewhere far away in the back of his mind he kind of knows what theyre leading him toward. but he still jsut Has To Know, so he keeps jogging, keeps hopping over fallen logs and around low branches and theres always a little blue flame juuuuust out of reach so he keeps going . and then he gets to the cliff. its like a full on. burst out of the trees there is a wisp juuuust on the edge where the ground falls away. i think he trips on a root and falls flat on his stomach before he can completely just run off. it gives him a second to catch his breath, to look out and See where he is. for things to kind of come crashing down on him. if he hadnt tripped he wouldve run right off the edge and fallen and it was close enough of a near death experience for it to scare him. but the wisp is still there, and its the biggest brightest one hes seen yet and if he looks around he would see it looks like the entire forest behind him is glowing with tiny blue fires like theyre all watching him. i dont think hes really. thinking coherent thoughts at this point he just kind of. realizes now that hes out here he doesnt really want to go home. he doesnt want to go back to school, doesnt want to eat lunch in the bathroom and think about his brothers empty bedroom across the hall and have his parents look at him with such a weird mix of love and awkward pity and he knows his friends say they believe him but he can see it in their eyes sometimes that the things he says scares them and he really just has been a freak his whole life.... and he realizes as hes thinking all of this he's gotten to his feet and walked toward the wisp on the edge of the cliff. and hes just standing there feet on the very edge staring at it. its floated away now, hanging over the drop at eye level with him but its probably still close enough he could just... reach out.... and try to grab it...... and his feet slip on the rocks and JUST as he closes his hand around the wisp it almost feels like something pushes him (probably just the wind.. right?) and he falls.

he does Not remember hitting the bottom thank god. he remembers falling, and falling, and in the fall he realized he was still holding the wisp he grabbed in his hand and so he pulled it close to his chest as he fell and it almost felt like it was burning him but it was *cold* and .. then he woke up! he woke up in a misty foggy field in what looked to be the middle of the night but if he looks at the sky too long it looks *weird* its just black and empty and there are weird bluish swirls in it that could be clouds but look different, and there are trees in the distance but whenever he tries to walk toward them it feels like theyre moving the same distance away so it never really feels like hes getting anywhere.. and he trips over what he thinks is a rock and lands in the foggy grass and looks behind him and realizes *oh my god thats a gravestone-* and then he wakes up again, for real this time !!! (<< that scene is like. thats His Island. thats his lair or whatever. remember when mal first took him to the spirit world and they were in the graveyard and mal told him that was his. im going with dp style spirit world lairs and this one is williams. hear me out)

aaand. when he wakes up for real. he is at. the bottom of the cliff. EVERYTHING hurts. everything hurts so fucking badly but also everything is like... weirdly numb? and he doesnt really remember that weird dream with the fog and the trees and the grave its all kind of fading as he wakes up more and more and ... his hands are empty hes not holding the wisp anymore. he doesnt know how much time has passed. was any of that even real or did he just have some kind of nervous breakdown and jump off a fuckign cliff? i think he fucking sits there and cries about it for a loooooong time. and everythihng hurts but its gonna start getting dark soon he NEEDS to go home before it gets dark, his parents will start to worry about him and he doesnt want to do that to them. also he might need to get to a hospital or something but hey! he can move! he can stand up and walk! so he must not have any broken bones or anything he just. is bruised and sore probably. and so he. sooooo slowly. so slowly. makes his way back up the cliff (theres. a path. he doesnt have to climb i promise) and back home. alone. no wisps or anything, just william alone with his thoughts. which is . goddd its bad. thats why it takes him so long. ohhh my god what am i even gonna fucking say when i get there. hi mom and dad sorry i needed to clear my head and follow some weird ghosts and in the process i tried to kill myself and it didnt work? fuck?

so by the time he gets home... huh. the door is locked thats weird. its not fully dark yet and his parents know he stays out late with his friends a lot of the time so they usually leave the door unlocked for him. so he knocks. and his mom answers the door and takes one look at him and just fucking breaks down into tears. and so his dad comes in from around the corner to see whats going on and he starts crying too. and william is so. freaked out by this. guys whats wrong what happened. turns out he has been missing for. two weeks. nobody knew where he was or what happened and the woods are alive and weird and anyone who went out in a search part just ended up getting lost themselves and came back like an hour later with nothing. they thought he was dead. (which. i mean. he was. but like. not in the way they thought). so theres this big huge emotional family group hug or whatever with william all dirty with leaves and twigs in his hair and torn clothes and mud on his hands and feet and his mom and dad are just like oh thank god youre alive thank god youre home what happened to you and... man. euguhhhhahghhhh. emo. sorry. god. head in hands .

i thiiink. he kind of ends up telling them what happened. he leaves out the wisps though. his watered down version is.. i just needed to clear my head, i went out into the woods, i got lost, i tripped and fell. (remember how william downplays it for dakota when he asks. i tripped and fell) he doesnt tell them about the wisps but like. that almost makes it worse becuase they KNOW about his bad mental health even if they dont fully understand it and.... this version makes it sound suspiciously way more like it was just a direct suicide attempt. which. william IMMEDIATELY regrets as soon as it leaves his mouth. but thats his story now. so everything kind of... goes back to normal? normal ish??? as nrmal as they can i fucking guess?? for a couple days and he has to go back to school and. god it fucking sucks. gossip . you know how it is. hey that kid tried to kill himself and got lost in the woods for two weeks what a weirdo he freaks everyone out . that kind of stuff. so hes more isolated than EVER and even his friends wont really talk to him although theyre more... sad. than anything else. they just dont really know what to say. theyre teenagers. idk. uhhhhhh then one day he reallyreallly REALLY doesnt want to be somewhere so he hides in the bathroom and.. doesnt realize it at first but he goes invisible. and its not until a couple other kids come in and leave and dont acknowledge him at all that he notices something is weird (he feels bone chillignly cold but like. its a shitty old school building in the very beginnings of winter of course its gonna be cold) and he looks in the mirror and realizes he cant see himself. and after that more and more of his powers kind of. slowly manifest? and he is VERY bad at controlling them and he plans not to tell anyone at first (hes already enough of a freak) until one day his dad finds him like. halfway through the floor in his bedroom and its this . kind of funny ridicuous but also really scary moment. and william has a realization at some point like. oh. i think i *died*. and auughhghg. i think thats all i ahve for now. but . man. when i tell you i think about this soo fucking much man.

[boxheadpaint]

juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.

visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway

stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can

it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man

had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.

is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,

8/26/2024, Still better than july

[alyimoss]

I don’t actually know anything about your underswap I’d love to hear about it!

explodes ok so.

this ended up being the length of the average one-shot so it has to go under the cut

tbf my underverse is not super developed. i mostly just have. sans, papyrus, alphys, and undyne figured out (though not fully) and the rest im still thinking through. but nevertheless i love my swaps and would die for them.

between those four, the swaps are pretty standard (so sans and papyrus swap, and so do alphys and undyne), but they generally have a bit more like?? backstory as to why they are the way that they are?? my underswap is like. base ut but something went sideways and now shit's weird. so these characters, for the most part, started out like their classic counterparts, and this is why my swaps have more of their base ut traits than some other swaps.

like- for example, my swap papyrus started out more or less like classic papyrus. he's energetic and ambitious and he puts his all into the things that he does and he believes in everyone!! but he lets his reality wear him down more than classic: where classic keeps up his "fake it til you make it" kind of attitude towards his own popularity and just keeps trying even if he fails, my swap pap realizes that no matter what he does, he's not the person he wants to be. he wants to be the cool popular guy that everyone wants to be friends with, but… through years of rejection and failure, he eventually resigns himself to just being some fucking guy. not important. forgettable.

so he stops trying. he stops trying to make friends, trying to put himself out there, etc. the thought of joining the royal guard doesnt even cross his mind because he'd preemptively decided that its pointless — he wont get in and hell just make a fool of himself trying. why bother? the funny thing, though, is that, as a papyrus, i guess he can never truly stop trying, because he kind of does a 180 here. instead of being some cool extrovert popular guy, he assumes the persona of just the average guy. he masks his effort levels, trying to make it seem like he's someone who really doesnt try that hard (because he doesnt want to look like a tryhard), so like for example, where classic papyrus speaks in all caps to show his effort (and classic sans, conversely, speaks in all lowercase to show the exact opposite thing), my swap papyrus speaks with proper capitalizations because thats what normal, average people do!! and hes just a perfectly normal, average guy… just your average, completely forgettable rando…

i guess at his core, hes someone influenced wildly by shame and a fear of being his true self, because he doesnt see that self as being worthy enough because it doesnt fit his specific criteria (this is smthn that also applies to classic papyrus, at least to a certain extent, but thats not what im here to yap abt)

and then his spiral into depression is what pushes my swap sans into becoming a proper swap. he, like classic, knows about the timeline and resets and whatnot, and has, too, given up. why bother? nothing matters. except then he looks around and he sees the townspeople notice. his friends at the bar ask if hes okay, and when he blatantly lies to them, he can feel their hopes dwindle. he feels the whole town almost become darker, heavier. he cant fathom himself having this kind of impact on others, but he feels it and even if its not his fault, if its just a byproduct of them all being stuck underground for so damn long, he feels like hes doing something wrong. he feels guilty. and then he sees papyrus. his brother, who had always shined like the brightest star in the sky, giving up and losing hope and hiding away from the world. and sans feels responsible.

so he does the only thing he can think of — he decides to try. of course, that doesnt mean that he actually feels any better. he doesnt think this will do anything in the larger scheme of things. but he cant stand seeing his brother like that. he cant stand the guilt. and so he becomes more like classic papyrus — he enrolls in the guard, he makes rounds around snowdin, he cooks and cleans and drags his brother out of the house with him. and even if he has no energy and he feels like hes drowning but the waves are still crashing on top of him one after the other, he keeps going because anything is better than the feeling of failure.

this is where id go in on his backstory and why he feels this way about failure, but. i kind of. dont have anything. and anyway i keep these two's backstories brief in most aus bc canonically we do not know what the fuck is up w them and i dont know if we ever will. and really im fine with that, the mystery makes them. but yeah anyway, due to circumstances, my swap sans is riddler with guilt and the fear of failure, and he will do anything to prove he is not a failure, that he can at least do something right.

oh and also speaking of guilt, papyrus notices this change in his brother. and he recognizes that he has a part in it. and as grateful as he is for his brother's attempts to cheer him up, he also feels immensely guilty because he can see better than anyone else in the whole underground just how much his brother's self-imposed duty weighs on him. he blames himself for letting himself get so bad that now his brother is suffering from it as well, but he also cant get any better. cue the self-loathing cycle. anyway, as a result, he ends up sharing less with sans. its a means of lessening his burden — if he doesnt know the things going wrong in papyrus's life, he wont have to waste time and energy on him and wont have to have more on his already overloaded plate!! its the perfect plan except they drift apart and now their closeness feels so surface-level and papyrus feels guilty about lying and he knows his brother is still worried, perhaps moreso now that he knows less and he's so scared theyll drift further apart but he's committed fully to this so he just keeps digging the hole and he doesnt know how to stop. (theyre still close, but less so than the classic bros, id say)

ok enough abt those two alphyne time.

these two are actually. less developed. and theres one specific part ill talk abt a bit later that im rlly not sure what to do with. but anyway. they, too, had their original roles at first. undyne, the rambunctious, hotheaded kid who kept getting into fights and couldnt sit still long enough to read one paragraph, and alphys, the nerdy kid who practically lived at the dump, collecting comics and anime… and yeah they somehow ended up the royal scientist and head of the royal guard, respectively.

i havent fully thought through why undyne would end up the scientist, but itd probably have something to do with injury. she keeps her eye injury in my swap. but as evidenced by base ut, a simple missing eye cant stop undyne! so she probably had a more. extensive injury, likely coupled with other factors. im not fully sure what happens, but what i am sure of is i want her to have a similar focus on robotics as alphys. she decides that if she cant fulfill the hopes and dreams of monsterkind on the frontlines, she'll become a different kind of hero. i think she mostly makes prosthetics, likely coupling them with weaponry bc thats just cool. she finds the best ways to combine mobility and magic efficiency and is widely respected by monsters for what she does (also, if youre wondering why monsters would need prosthetics when they have op healing and are made of magic, it comes from my personal theory that the longer a wound is left unhealed, the harder it is to heal it perfectly. so like, for example, it's possible to use magic healing to do things like reattach limbs. it will work as long as the recipient of the healing isnt dead. however, this reattachment needs to happen quick. depending on how long you wait, you could lose significant mobility in the limb, or just not be able to attach it at all. also, theres monsters like monster kid who dont have certain limbs. so i guess where some monsters get prosthetics to replace lost body parts, others get them to have entirely new body parts. anyway.)

meanwhile, alphys becomes a guard through a series of events. i think she signs up to be a sentry in hotland or something at first, because positions were open and they didnt exactly have many requirements, and she needed money. she ended up being like- exceptional. she's detail oriented and driven and is good at problem-solving, and her reviews were always stellar, so at some point i think she was approached about a promotion. which i think she took because, again, money. i think the guard has good benefits and pay.

to explain how she becomes the head of the guard, i want to take a moment to talk abt the guard in my swap. because toriel is the queen and is not thrilled at the prospect of killing humans, i think the guard isnt a thing at all until a couple humans in. i think several were less than friendly, killing several monsters. at first, when people brought this up, i think toriel would defend the humans by saying that they were just scared or acting in self-defense etc. but 1) i doubt monsters particularly liked their ruler defending people who killed their loved ones and 2) the human that got the guard established was. probably pretty bad. dont ask me which soul this was, i wont tell you bc i dont know. but they killed a sizeable number of monsters, to the point where not even toriel could defend them. they were probably the only human she killed (ill get to that later). after their death, the guard was established. still not really to kill humans as much as to ensure they got to the queen quickly and safely, as well as to protect monsters in case a particularly violent human fell down.

anyway yeah with this context, alphys was more fitting to be the head of the royal guard than undyne, id say. she's less violent and more mindful than undyne. i think toriel herself talked to her about becoming head of the guard. she said no at first, i think. she still had her ambitions of being a scientist, she was just doing this whole guard thing for the money. i think what pushed her to accepting was undyne getting the position of royal scientist.

this is another part im. not fully sure of. theres something that gets toriel's attention in regard to undyne, but i really dont know what. maybe just her reputation as someone who's making monster lives better day by day. toriel wants to give someone like that more resources and more voice as hope dwindles in the underground (i think its a bot of a more bleak situation in underswap like theyre just. sad. for reason and not. because where in base ut the underground is full of hope because they only need one human soul before theyre freed, interspersed with quiet dread because they dont know when they'll get that final soul, i think its more of the latter in my swap. theres more reason to this but ill touch on that in a bit).

anyway yeah undyne becomes the royal scientist and alphys is like welp. and accepts the position of head of the royal guard on the condition that she is trained to fight (as a member of the guard already, she had some training, but being the head is like. a whole other ballpark, yknow?) and yeah she as a character is. still pretty unsure of herself. she's a bit more confident than classic alphys because of her position and her training, but she's still got a lotta self-loathing and self-esteem issues. she still has her stutter, but she's managed to work through it enough to give speeches and shit without stuttering. catch her off-guard tho and she'll stutter and generally be kinda awkward (her stutter is like one of my fav things abt her as someone who also has a stutter i will never get rid of it ever).

she's very unsure of herself as a leader and constantly wonders if shes worthy of this position. she thinks she got it by pure luck when someone better suited couldve gotten it instead. i think she felt very resentful at the beginning, too. abt someone else getting the job of royal scientist before her. and its interspersed with the self loathing like "of course someone else got it before you, what did you ever do to work towards it? god, why did you accept this job? you shouldve just done fast food or something. or just stuck to science as best you couldve. god, no wonder someone got it before you. youre not worthy of it." i think she held a sort of resentment toward undyne too at first, but after they met and she realized that undynes. kinda chill, actually, she felt incredibly guilty about it. its not like she did this on purpose, she doesnt deserve this hatred…

anyway yeah shes head of the royal guard and she hires sans and trains him and their training is half actual training and half just fucking around and watching anime/movies and whatever. and her training/fighting i think are more. formulaic than classic undyne's. she's more about plan and strategy than raw power. also her section would still be in hotland. mostly because i didnt want to put undyne in hotland bc she hates it. lmao.

anyway undyne!! i think she has some regrets about not being able to become the hero she'd dreamed of being, but she also has come to accept her new role. she's more or less satisfied being who she is. she's one of the few characters who doesnt really feel that pressure of "was i supposed to be something else?" in this au. because at the end of the day, her goal stays the same: help monsterkind and crush humanity!! and she can do that as a nerd, too. i think toriel isnt too thrilled abt her attitude toward humans, but theres not much she can do abt it. i think the underswap underground is generally like. slightly less hostile to humans than undertale? (because the queen doesnt want humans dead, but monsters remember the hurt theyve suffered at the hands of humans) but undyne grew up on stories of the war from gerson and stuff like that, so she feels pretty strongly abt who's right and who's wrong and what should be done about that. i do also think she knows asgore, but this is a part im not fully sure of because i dont fucking know what to do with asgore.

also alphyne are still canon of course they are. this isnt glitchtale. they probably also meet at the dump, as alphys is contemplating things and undyne is searching around for junk to work on. and they talk and share their theories about where that creepy void leads. and they start hanging out and alphys shows undyne anime (and inspires her to go crazier with her prosthetics and other robotics works) and they work on battle strategies as a way of flirting /hj. and theres one problem that they kinda share bc i dont know what to do with it. that being the amalgamates.

so its unclear if the amalgamates would even exist in this au actually, but if they do i have two routes i can go with them i think: 1) undyne is the one responsible for them, but she doesnt lie and hide about it (not that i think she could do that much bc toriel would be expecting reports and stuff). she tells everyone whats going on, letting them see their families and whatnot, but still working on them and trying to figure out how to. fix them. and as a result theres just. amalgamates shambling around the underground sometimes. and the last human runs into them sometimes and gets freaked out and it serves as this foreshadowing moment to who undyne is as a character and serves to paint her as someone absolutely terrifying (which isnt necessarily true but also not necessarily untrue). or 2) alphys is the one responsible.

deciding to do one final science thing because fuck it, shes got nothing to lose (she has everything to lose), she decides to try to make a monster's soul last after death. how would she do this in a position where she cant easily get access to the things she'd need? god fucking knows. the main thing about this route is that it adds even more guilt to alphys's plate, which is pretty fitting for her as a character. and also guilt hi hello another guilt mention. this seemed more thought out in my head moving on.

some minor details abt this swap also are that mtt and mew mew are swapped, and mew mew is a popular streamer (and livestreams herself kicking your ass); bp and catty and bratty are swapped just bc i think its funny; grillby and muffet are in a weird territory of swap. i think theyre swapped but still in the same places as base game (bc grillby likes the cold and muffet will literally die dont do this to her), and maybe grillby gets the miniboss instead of muffet (she just forces you to give her money lolol).

and now the final thing: the dreemurrs. listen. i do not know what the fuck to do with these guys. they kinda fuck with the whole story if swapped in ways that are. not good at all. im including chara and frisk in "the dreemurrs" btw for reasons.

because like- we know what toriel would do if she was queen. she tells us. she would get one soul, cross the barrier, get six more, and then free the underground. and if she did that, there would be no story to tell. so. and asgore couldnt just lock himself in the ruins or smthn like toriel does in base ut, because toriel would break that fucking door down trying to get to him because she knows the humans come from the ruins, and she does not trust asgore in the slightest. and i dont even want to touch on the implications of asriel being alive in underswap. so i do not know what to do with him period. chara and frisk seem like a simple swap, but. theyre still distinct characters, whose personalities and actions do have an effect on the plot of undertale. and swapping them has repercussions. mostly in shit like philosophy which im notoriously bad at. so for now im just not thinking abt them.

ok back to toriel and asgore. i have like. an inkling of an idea as to what to do with them. that idea being that asgore, angry after the deaths of his children, wants to wage war, but toriel gets wind of the idea before he's able to make an official declaration, and grows absolutely disgusted with him. she banishes him and assumes the position of single ruler of the underground. i honestly dont know what to do with asgore past this point, but i do know that at least in the beginning, he is under strict supervision (likely by gerson bc gerson).

so what does toriel do as queen? she waits for a human to fall. she welcomes them as she did the first one. she does not take their soul. she cares for them and gives them the best life she can. as they grow older, she talks to them about using their soul to cross the barrier after they die. and they agree. the first (second) human dies of old age after a good, peaceful life in the underground. toriel absorbs their soul, crosses the barrier… and is nearly killed by the humans, still fearful and angry because it hasn't been that long since the last time they saw a monster. she goes back, deciding to instead wait a little longer. in that time, another human falls, then another… but after the first soul, i think most dont die of old age. several die by accident, several are killed in self defense. as mentioned above, at some point the guard is established due to the violence of one of the humans. toriel doesnt absorb these souls, instead keeping them safe in containment.

we know that when a human's soul is absorbed, they still persist (as evidenced by 1) asriel telling us that chara told him to do things and had control over their body when he absorbed their soul and 2) the photoshop flowey fight), i think toriel kind of feared losing herself and/or hurting the humans somehow by absorbing their souls. and with some of the more violent humans, i think the fears of losing herself grew stronger. so yeah she chooses to wait until the humans no longer fear/want to kill monsters or whatever.

and this has influence on the underground of course because imagine your ruler acquires the necessary means to cross the seal trapping you underground and you think that finally, finally youre free!! and then she comes right back like "yeah uh actually they still want us dead so lets wait a bit longer…"

how crushing is that? knowing that not only was your freedom a lie, you now know for sure that the humans outside want you dead? that chances are that even if you do manage to leave the underground, youll either be killed or forced right back under? this i think is a major reason the underswap underground is lacking in hope compared to the undertale underground. but yeah i. dont know if ill end up going with this, actually. because, again, i do not know what the fuck to do with the dreemurrs and i hate it.

another thing im not sure of is the whole "sans's promise to toriel" thing?? bc i kinda still wanna have that in some form, yknow? and i think it works if he's a guard and shes the queen. he visits her at some point to do a report or smthn (maybe bc alphys is busy who knows) and he notices shes looking kinda gloomy. so he gives her his best knock knock joke and she absolutely loves it. so he keeps going and then she gives him a couple of her own and yeah you get it. i just like sans and toriel they are the besties ever.

anyway yeah i think?? thats it?? for now, anyway. i probably forgot to mention smthn but who cares this is like. wayyyy too fucking long already anyways. thank you for letting me yap, i will continue to do so… forever.

[rxttenfish]

PLEASE tell us more about virina mishra im such a sucker for nextgens

OOPS FUCK I GOT DISTRACTED AGAIN AND FORGOR TO ANSWER THIS

virina!!! my beloved virina!!!! littlest froggy!!!

aaravi and miranda very much both wanted to actually, you know, have a family. its one of those things where you come from someplace so shitty and so terrible, that you just cannot imagine someone else going through that same thing, and you cannot bear the thought of making someone else go through the same thing. to be fair, they are both TERRIFIED of just repeating the past and ending up in the exact same loop that their parents did, terrified of just heaving back on the same generational trauma and wreck of a childhood, but there comes a point in being afraid of something where you just need to get rid of this fear. its too constant, its too forever, its too eternal. sitting through it and avoiding it isn't making it go away, and they already fucked up avoiding it by finding each other and loving each other, so dancing around the issue isn't helping. instead, what they mutually land on is just... a want to prove that fear wrong. a want to prove that fear wrong, to prove that they aren't doomed to be just a weapon and just a source of death in all its forms, that they can hold something in their hands and make it grow. best way to avoid repeating the past is to take responsibility by the leash, after all. they want to go back in time, to give themselves the childhood that they always missed, and the best way they figured to do that is to give that to someone else.

this is something that very much existed since their relationship started to get serious with each other, and something that's been in the background the entire time since, so its not like its a mystery or anything. if anything, they've been using this want as a motivation, as a need to keep going even at the worst of times. they will have this happy future. they will make it through this together. they will make it work. no more ifs, no more buts, no more doubt. stop living in the doubt and start acting as though their happy end is a foregone conclusion and something that they are going to have no matter what, give no room for fear or guilt or shame or depression or self hatred to sneak in. they will be happy. they will make someone else happy. they will be someplace safe, not just for themselves, but for their loved ones too. they will be good. they will be.

even after everything blows over (mainly from miranda's family, she is still crown princess and stepping away from that was never going to be an option they gave her), it still takes a few years for them to broach the topic of having a kid for-real. just to make sure everything's settled. just to make sure everything's safe.

they have virina later in life than some of their other friends or just in general, but they were planned and wanted for so long that the wait is worth it. the name, as i've mentioned, comes from aaravi. she knows her mom was a... complicated woman, she knows her own raising wasn't perfect and that there were things that she still cant fully forgive her mother for, but she had a hard life too. she too deserved better. despite it all, aaravi still loves her mom, despite despite despite. and so she does the best thing that she can to honor her mom, to honor her memory, to give her the life that she never had the same as aaravi herself, and gives it to virina. the mishra last name was a no-brainer already, miranda already look aaravi's last name and preferred being a mishra over a vanderbilt anyday.

years later, virina also earns the nickname of "froggy" - primarily because of their own love for the animal, constantly finding them and bringing them in from outside. likewise, miranda and aaravi decide to raise them genderless, and to let them decide for themselves how they want to be referred to when they're older.

virina doesn't really take much after either of their moms, though. mostly they're quiet, shy, keep to themselves. where both of their moms are brash and dominant, very confident in themselves and willing to bowl over quieter personalities, virina seldom speaks, and when they do, its soft-spoken. they get easily spooked and cry easily, especially when it comes to other people. they cling to their moms legs, hide behind them when other people come around, prefer the company of animals over other people, tend not to like new things or new people and greatly prefer sticking to their simple, easy routine. they just can't figure out other people, seemingly, not understanding them or how to make friends or even what's appropriate or not to say in a conversation.

this isn't to say they aren't deeply intelligent and curious. they quickly learn to love venturing outside with their moms, playing in the garden or chasing bugs and frogs. they come in with sticks and rocks, make mud potions, try to build things out of sticks and befriend birds. they prefer books over people, ending up much more of a bookworm than either of their moms ever were, and ends up a very big nerd as they get older. theyre close and affectionate with the friends they do make, but this is a small handful of their very most trusted, and they never get much better at figuring out social norms.

in time, they lean a little bit more towards the femme side of things, growing their hair out long and liking long, swishy skirts that they can spin and sway over and over, that doesnt cling too tight to their legs. they end up needing glasses, and end up picking a pair thats large and circular, making their eyes seem all the more owlish. they settle on they/she, but never have particularly strong opinions about gender regardless. they can be blunt and quick to frustration, especially if they feel people arent understanding them, and are forever going to be deeply embarrassed over how their moms dote on them. i very much see them getting intensely interested and starting to study either linguistics, literature, history, geology, or any biology that takes them closer to the marshes and wetlands that they love.

they never think very much about how one of their moms used to be a princess, heir to a kingdom. beyond an instance as a kid that ended with them dropping a training sword repeatedly and crying, they never get very interested in following the slayer line of work. they fuss over small stakes, have their moms grate on them sometimes in both of their old ways, and they live a normal life.

[eternalwritess]

hello, dearie! i saw your matchups, and i think what you’re doing is just the cutest thing! so i’m hopping in with a request of mine, if that’s alright!

general stuff/preferences: i’m an 18 year old cisgender woman and am bisexual, not too sure of my gender preference yet if i’m being real. not too picky about who i’m paired with although i would not like to be shipped with the following: valentino, niffty, alastor, mimzy, angel dust, sera, saint peter

personality: honestly i can get pretty cold and sharp around folks i don’t know well, i don’t trust until you’ve proven that you’re worth trusting, but once you get past that first initial stage… i’m honestly just a big ball of sun (according to my close ones)! i’m fairly mouthy and have a bit of an attitude, both jokingly and seriously. my humor is very sarcastic and quite a bit cynical, which matches who i am, i guess. if i love you, then i love you whole heartedly, i’m very protective yet loyal to those i love, and despite my small stature i won’t hesitate to throw literal hands if you fuck with my friends, partner, family, etc. despite my highkey bitch persona, when i’m with someone who i value (like a partner), i really let go more. i’m just more light hearted and goofy with my partner, and it’s just easier for me to be comfortable with them over anybody else, i’m a fair bit shy when it comes to handling compliments, both in a romantic and platonic setting, but i won’t deny them. if you’re into this kinda stuff or if it helps, i’m a pisces and my mbti type is infj (i think).

love languages: in terms of giving love, i’m an acts of service and physical affection sorta gal. i’m not great with my words, especially when it comes to love, although i do try. i honestly just love doing things for my partner to take the weight of their shoulders, like for an irl example, i’ll sneak into my boyfriend’s apartment to clean it up a bit for him while he’s at work — or if i stay the night at his i’ll wake him up with breakfast, simple things. i’m also big on physical affection, i hate pda though, but behind closed doors im all yours, kisses or cuddles or whatever ya want, your wish is my command.

appearance: i’d say i’m fairly basic appearance wise, honestly i’m short, at about 5”1. i have tan skin and dark brown (borderline auburn) curly hair with (dark) blue eyes. i have dimples, which i always hated throughout my years because i thought they made me look childish. i’d say i’m in the middle weight wise, i’m not skinny, but i’m not plus-size (no hate to my plus size peeps, ily mwauh mwauh), but i’ve got a bit of bone to me, and i feel no shame in admitting that i am infact chubby. i’ve also got a few moles and freckles on my face and neck.

ideal date: an ideal date for me consists of sitting on our asses at home while a movie is on that we’re not paying any mind to while we just talk about everything that comes to us. or like a lazy day during a hot summer or something. can you tell i have depression? /hj /lh

kins: (if you couldn’t quite a grasp on my personality, i recommend reading these to get a better idea, i also only included hazbin/helluva kins because my matchup is hazbin)

blitzø (helluva boss), vaggie (hazbin hotel), octavia (helluva boss), angel dust (hazbin hotel), fizzarolli (helluva boss), charlie morningstar (hazbin hotel), ozzie (helluva boss), husk (hazbin hotel), moxxie (helluva boss), adam (hazbin hotel)

style: lowkey i dress like a hobo ngl. an every day fit for me consists of sweatpants or leggings, a baggy sweatshirt or hoodie, with either birkenstocks, ugg slippers, or nike sneakers. sometimes i can’t tell if i dress like a basic white girl or hobo, or both who knows damnit.

so yeah, that’s my matchup! i hope this was enough, or hopefully isn’t too long! tysm if you do this! take care and drink some water, and remember to take breaks 🤍

- 🤖

i match you with... 𝓐𝓭𝓪𝓶 ██ 20% _ ████ 60% _ █████ 80% _ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ 100% ᴄᴏᴍᴘʟᴇᴛᴇ!

➸ I'm not one hundred percent sure and how you two would meet. but if I had to guess I'd say that Saint Peter was out on break and you came up to heaven during that time and he was told to man the gates (despite his protests). He wouldn't be the kindest letting you in, most likely rudely asking for you name and rolling his eyes whenever you gave him a response.

➸ Until you had enough of it, you would snap at him telling him to just do his job and then he'd be more interested in you, messing with you and playing with you teasingly just to get a reaction. I'd imagine that you'd soon grow tired of it and just started to not speak to him and once you were let into heaven you were relieved hoping that you would never see him again.

➸ However fate had different plans for you, he bothered you constantly he wasn't even trying to constantly see you or meet up with you, but whenever he saw you he instantly found some way to annoy the shit out of you. Talking louder than usual, sometimes leaning on you and acting like it was an accident. He thought that you were interesting, more so than any of the other people in heaven and he was going to make sure that he got to know you.

➸ Sooner or later you'd ask him what his deal was with you and all he'd do was smile and simply state that you were interesting and didn't seem like the other 'goody two shoes' that managed to spring up around there. Not to mention he liked the sarcasm you would use to deal with him, he found it endearing and hilarious.

➸ Whether you liked it or not he began hanging out around you more and slowly you became friends and the more you became friends the more he would sling an arm around your shoulder or grab you and pull you places. Soon enough he was constantly touching you in one way or another, brushing hands, or grabbing your wrist to take you somewhere else.

➸ Soon enough he began figuring out that he liked you and began making it his mission to make sure that you liked him back. He'd ask you all sorts of questions and try to figure you out, pick you apart just so that he'd be sure you were in love with him back. Although he just gave up on those tests and straight up asked you out.

➸ At first you weren't sure when it came to going out with him but he didn't stop trying. He kept going and soon enough you agreed. It wasn't that romantic of a date because Adam doesn't really know romance and you both just watched movies the entire time with him cuddling up to you

➸ In the end he fell asleep on you and you stayed the night at his house. In the morning you both watched a few more flicks and soon enough you had to leave. Which he was not fond of. He kept trying to find excuses for you to stay but you told him that you had to go and he reluctantly agreed.

╚═══════ஓ๑♡๑ஓ═══════╝

Whenever you cleaned his room or stuff up he would get really thankful for that because he can be kind of a mess at times and you had to get at him a few times for his messy room before he decided to actually do something about it

You're not great with words? Great, cause neither is he. Whenever he tries to compliment the way that you look or act, it comes off almost as either an insult, as if he was sarcastic, or just a train of stuttering. So instead he likes getting you stuff instead. He'll leave gifts on your desk or in your room but don't mention it cause he gets sensitive about being all sappy

Surprisingly I don't think Adam is into pda too much, he'd say that its bad for his 'brand' when in reality he also thinks that pda would put too much attention on you and he wouldn't be too fond of that as he might get a little possessive at times

He doesn't mind the way you dress, honestly he thinks that baggy stuff look way better on you anyways and will lend you some of his clothes from time to time. Not to mention that he dresses the exact same way and doesn't seem to care too much for 'fancier' tastes

I feel like you two would mess around quite a bit, he would have the more extreme ideas and you would dial it back a bit telling him when and when not to do something. You would also probably help him prank a few people sometimes as long as it wasn't too harmful to them

[nt3000s]

the thing is that no matter how much you try to give the advice that artists need to create for themselves it just will never ever hit or work until they find and experience it for themself because of the way that most artists live we’re all just growing up online on social media where the only judgement of your talent and worth is via likes and shares and when you don’t get any of that attention it makes you feel like your art has no worth and very suddenly the only reason to ever create art in the first place is to post it online to feel like it means anything in the first place when worth shouldn’t be gauged on art like that. and when you begin to rely on likes and retweets and reblogs to measure the worth of your art it very suddenly sets this idea in people that there is no point in creating original content be it stories or ocs, to the point that i see most creators i follow feel shame in themselves for bringing up their OC content instead of their usual fandom content whenever they feel the desire to. and it just beats this idea into people that you’ll never ever be able to reach the following the fandom content you draw does, even though everything you draw fanart for was made by someone with as many stories as you, and your original content will never ever mean anything to anyone that follows you, but all that fanart does. and maybe im being too nihilistic, because being a fanartist gets creators off their feet and allows them to introduce their growing audience to their original content, but i just hate that it has to happen that way in the first place. i dont really want to feel guilty for drawing what i want to draw, be it that i draw some fanart for something and it gets a bunch of attention and i start to fucking hate myself for it because i get this unrealistic and awful idea that nobody cares if my art looks cool or if im good at what i do its just about when its what other people want. and the idea of ‘creating for yourself’ as a creator becomes a very very far away goal to reach with this mindset that i cant shake. i dont really know what point i want to make here, i suppose this is just something ive always and will always be depressed about, but i guess really im very thankful to everyone that likes what i make and sees it truly with care. not out of a sense of friendship but for admiration of what it is and that maybe its interesting or something like that. and i want to do better on my part to support and bring up these very small and personal creations that we all have that its hard to feel confident about with the way the art world is, i dont want to live in this world where every artist is fighting for relevance and hating eachother when someones original content gets attention and yours doesnt when we all barely have 10 active followers. i love artists, i love writers, i love the worlds and things that people create and i want it to be shared more. i dont want to live in a world where people feel guilty for making what they want to. i guess i just wish it was easier, or that i didnt feel guilty for hating what i make in the first place like im not allowed to, i want to be kinder to myself, and love what i do more. i want everyone to be kinder

[creaturebehavior]

smoked a bowl of flower lol it was nice

im at the point where i guess i’m okay with my mom finding out i’m smoking again. i’ll take that chance. she’ll probably not be thrilled about it but maybe she won’t really care. her and rosemary are drunk all the time. and every time i’ve been in between being fully sober before she’s been okay with me smoking weed.

my only fear is, once she finds out she will probably really pressure me into therapy.

while i was showering yesterday i was thinking to myself maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to go an IOP, you don’t do anything in iop anyway usually other than sit around. sure i don’t want to be around other people but group therapy is nice cuz it’s usually extremely surface level. If i went to iop, i could appear to be doing something with my life and maybe she’ll get off my back and maybe it will actually ease me back into life a little and i will benefit somewhat, and maybe if i feel that im appearing to be participating in life then maybe i’ll feel less shame about all the time in between where i just relax

i’m willing to do what i have to do i guess if i can just buy myself more time before i have to return back to working. if my mom gets me into an IOP she’ll definitely pay for my gas so i would be able to remain mobile. i might even like leaving the house sometimes.

i’ve really been trying to talk myself into treatment.

i was also thinking to myself the other day that i really need to find a new motivation if im going to start therapy

because right now it just feels like i would be going to therapy so that i can go back to working a job i hate? because i’m not actually ready to heal and process more trauma, it feels like the only reason i’d be going to therapy is to be plugged back into the american workforce and nothing else. i wouldn’t be trying to heal for my own sake. because i’m not ready. i’m trying to be ready but my last therapist really made an impression on me. i feel pretty fucked up over it. i’m not ready to be vulnerable in front of someone like that.

i’ve also realized recently how often i’ve attempted to recover for the wrong reasons, and i don’t want to be cornered into that position again.

also just so im clear i’m not saying i don’t want to ever work again or anything. i’m saying i need a better reason to subject myself to therapy than JUST to get back to working. like how soulless. “Let me hash out all my pain without any care for myself just so i can get a job again” no thank you.

and what im saying is i’m so depressed it’s hard to find an actually good reason to go back to therapy, like a reason i connect with.

[solardick]

Every proud obstacle… That is a curious set of words.

“That keeps people from knowing god.”

What is pride in this day and age? In the face of such deep shame. The antidote is demote pride. Be proud of who you are. You are changing the world for the better. Peace and love all around, the hippies are dancing on the moon.

The moon means itself a couple of things. The night, the lamp in the dark, the feminine cycle of attraction and repulsion, romance, mania/sanity. It is taught to mean, history, needs, and nurturance. The mother and the family. The emotional.

This stipulates that wants and needs of the material plain, are cyclic. And will never last or advance. Only reflect the state of that solar power. Is it functional? Active? Needs set task.

Knowing god and knowledge of god can speak the same message. But becomes more complicates by knowledge of. This will depend on position. What side. The side of god, or the side of man. One is clearly with and the other is aside. But the knowledge of what is god. Is functional. One implies direct contact with. The other is of wisdom from.

One is soft, sincere, and the other is an dickhole. Morally ambiguous.

What is inspiration. A failing dream. Learnd not to.

The price of not bein go fucked with anymore is a permanent desease.

Dont really like the instructor. Sme type of pwrsonlity as the eldest brother with the co stant jokes made in all seriousness. Except for admiting that it was a joke after it was said.

Hello dick in ass desease how are you doing. Fine morning is it? I dohno. I doibt im surviving mich konger. First thing i feel in the morning. Last thing i feel before falling asleep. Its sll there is to life.

Pills dony work. And im not “allowed” to see a doctor. Especially one yhat speaks my language.

Because im jusr a eice of shot fag bashing asshole that throuws cats agaisnt walls and treats wemen like trash. Yup. Thats me. Alright. Being punished for how othe rpeople treat me.

But the ttruth is, there is no reason. Pwople have always. Taken it for themselves to put themselves over me. Simce my first memory. Thats all its ever been. And i cant do it anymore.

An issantiable itch at the end of your nose rhat you can’t scratch becaise ypu have no arms. And scratching isnt going to do anything anyway. And upu just eant to cut the nose off your face.

Guess ill never know what internal growth feels like.

Thats what happens when your born in hell you get raped for 40 straight years and then you kill yourself.

Im here to conclude my fakily disfunction karmic history. Im my father long lost drowned brother and my mothers expelled and hated brother. Put them both together and you got me. Someone who gets abused into suicide.

At work im bieng shuffled around again. Like its always been. Paired with people im not compatible with. Who fucke with me. And being switched to

12 hours shift. Never lasted 12 hour shifts before. Dont know why i would now. Not like im getting another job. Thye made surenof that.

They brought in another girl. A pretty litle thing for that venus aspect the other day. Not really my tyoe of pretty. And too young. But it does give me soemthing. Soft and feminine to look at. To contrast the endless years of chaos. She’ll pribably fuck with me like every other girl they lined me uo for. But she has tatts. And tatts are really unattractive.

Vaca time coming up. Use that time. To detoxify from all external influences. Cause nono e of them are good. And see if this desease gets better if not. More doctors. Maybe anti depressants. Since it causes severe suicidal inclinations. Anyo depressants never worked before. They made me worst but whatever.

Maybe i can get some more estrogen laced weed and smoke and game. Its not like ill notice. Im too busy concentrating on getting killed.

Like i said half the people here are leaving. All new people coming. More certainty ill be getting fucked with.

With dick in ass disease you’ll be a 65 year old man still craving to get fucked in the ass everyday. Sex overrules the survival.

Wonder how many gay men im going to be worki g witb. I bet their gonna multiply. Because apparently according to the census. Canada is 6% queer compared to the global 1% but according to wrsonal experimece. Ita more like 30 to 40 percent.

And apparently the entire world lives by my horoscope. Alone. They dont have one. Its only mine.

But its ok though because ill be entering the gate of man soon.

Hello asshole. Want to shit mucous for breakfast. Ok. My asshole is my only freind. I dint even have a sex drive anymore. But thats ok becias their bringing in a new girl to sexually harrass me with and then they rape me again.

12 hour shifts. Yeah. Ok. Thats gonna work. Get up ear breakdast go to work. Have nothign to eat so, ficnish work go grocery shoping. Get home. Not have enough time to

Cook anything. Tv dinner. Microwave shower bed. If i can sleep. If not. Gaming and tv for a

Fee hours go to sleep wake up 4-5 hours later. Eat breakfast. Go

To work. Drive a forklift for 12 hours or manyla

Labour. Leave go back grocery shopping and repeat. By the third day. All have had maybe 12 hours sleep in total. Gor back to

Work. Druve forklift. Yup. Aure is safe amd secure around here.

Never lasted 12 hour shoft sbefore dont know why i would

Now. Ill be back

To welfare and suicideagain. before too long

I dont know how to live and maneuver society. So i cant work for

Myself.

Im not surviving what they’r

Doing to me. They all get away murder.

Well, lost all the hairs on my left foot. And over half on my right foot. And only now after a couple weeks or so. Theres starting to have a couple retarded growths come back. Shins are now patchy. Finer patches all the way up the left thy. Less so on the right. Patch on thr small of the back. Is gone. Good riddance to that one. My ass went from a jungle to a desert. Everything above the waist unchanged.

The cock just doodled. Time to suck on some coffee.

Think im just goi g to stay consistantly high for the rest of my life. But its ok. Because my govenrment supports it.

I quit weed for a few years, then they legalized it. I quit tv and gaming was weaning my way off cigs. And the. They got their hands on me. Erased all my good work. All the weaning off of base lunar desires. And fucken raped my life. Beat me into a beligerent mess. Back into base desires. And said go get therapy. I tried. Said i havd an enyore community of fucken retards raping my existamce. Amd she said sorry i cant help you. Then waited for 6 months for a half ass notice for a shrink. By that time i no longer cared. Because im not important enough to be taken seriously. Sorry good lord. This is hell uou have no say.

Hurry up 10 am so i can go buy some drugs and game the rest if the day. Like a good little boy. What im supposed to be doing. Sedated, pacified, oppressed and receptive.

[hearthandheathenry]

everyone supposedly has an fs and soulmate yada yada yada but if we havent met ours and if we dont care to really date anyone would it matter if we passed away early, like would our fs or soulmate feel it? do we have to have our lives put together in order to form the connection with our fs?

so many ppl including relatives and cousins either have their lives put together or theyre certainly doing something right and they have all either got their partners or careers and im just like how is that not happening for me then i question if i even want that and then i think well it doesnt matter cause i will die eventually so whats the point?

honestly im not fussed abt existing these days, like im not anyone special i dont have a need to achieve things anymore, used too but then i said fuck it and gave up on trying to exist and succeed. its always something like im either at the wrong place or wrong timing or some other situation in the past that held me back from going for something, or i just lacked what i needed to succeed or im too old not young enough not pretty not rich enough its always that im seemingly not something enough and if life is always abt trying to be a people pleaser instead of pleasing ourselves then im done lol. i will gladly yeet myself out of society and into heaven if i have too as thats probably the only point where id be truly happy as i wouldnt have to do anything ever again and i would never have to feel regret or shame for not having my life put together at this age.

sorry for ranting but im just so over being a person, it has severly sucked. wouldnt recommend instead be a rock in ur next life if there even is a next life, if theres a next life then i would also be done with that full stop too. and the thing about soulmates or even trying to get a partner is its yet another thing that you have to be almost attached to them 24/7 like friends where people can and will dissapoint you over and over and a lot of people will pretend to like you then only want something from you for their benefit so again whats the point when wanting a partner or even a social group? but if we donr have that we are never going to be on anyones radar anyway? might as well not bother with any of it tbqfh.

again sorry for ranting but either i want to not feel like i lack so much even in skills or talents and most times i just want to be a nobody oh wait thats what i already am haha.

Woah! First and foremost, I want to tell you that life is worth living and your life matters. Truly. For no other grand reason but that you are YOU and your purpose is being here, or you wouldn't exist. The universe has a reason for you to be here, or multiple reasons, and you matter, even if you struggle to find that reason(s). And please, let me know if you need help finding resources for mental health.

Second, I think a lot of people feel all these things, and I definitely have felt this way in the past. Maybe sometime I'll write my life story and how things have changed over the years or something, idk. BUT, you are not alone, and there is help out there and ways to make your life better, no matter your situation. Your life could be complete crap and you would still be able to turn it around. I am a firm believer in this.

The caveat, though? Its your choice, and your hard work that makes your life what you make it. We are all given different circumstances but just because we are born in some mud doesn't mean we have to wallow in it. The happiest and most fulfilled people have made the active choice to pull themselves out of their depression and habits and have changed themselves and their lives through emotional and physical labor. Life is not easy. It never claimed to be. THAT SAID, though, life is easier the more aligned you get with the universe and everything around you, and is truly breathtaking, and that comes with healing and changing. You learn psychology (how to take control of your mind), the ways of the world (how to build a support system and community), the metaphysical ways of the world and things we can't explain (some people call this spirituality or religion), and a past time that you genuinely enjoy (some people call this a purpose or sometimes its just a way to make money/survive), and you end up creating a life for yourself that you enjoy. That is the secret to living a happy life. Not higher education, not certain jobs, but honing in those skills will unlock the (seemingly) secret of being happy and will help lead to everything falling in place. A support system is usually the first step because figuring ourselves out is hard and we will need support, then we start mastering our minds and thoughts, and then we usually move onto spirituality to help us answer things our logical mind can't explain, and then we usually find our purposes or things that make life worth living. Things that truly make us glad to be alive.

We all reach a breaking point in our lives (anyone heard of the famous midlife crisis?) and are then given a choice of what we want to do. Usually there's truly no way but up, because the other option is to simply give up and not live. And we, intrinsically, really do want to LIVE. Maybe just not the life we were living. So we get help. Professional help. We reach out to our loved ones and figure out who we can actually rely on when we're at our worst. We build our support network while we work on our minds with the professionals. We start our journey of mastering our minds and working in conjunction with our bodies again instead of giving up. We work on our anxiety, depression, mental issues, and stop overworking ourselves and ignoring our body's signals for rest or change. And then we're left with other questions and needs, so we start delving into spirituality and religion. We start looking at the world around us and society in a different light, because obviously the way society trained us isn't working. The system doesn't work. It wasnt made for spiritual beings, it was made for work drones. And humans are not work drones. Some people find solace in certain religions. Some people just adopt different spiritual practices. We all answer our questions in different ways. We're all living in our own realities and through the lens of our own minds that are wired differently. And then our community and support networks grow. And our minds grow. And our abilities grow. And we start to see these little glimmers of hope of why we like being alive. We look at things in a new light. And then maybe we finally see our purpose, the one outside of just being (which is our main purpose), and, big hint, it usually has something to do with helping others for a lot of people. It is almost never a specific job or title or actual act of doing something. Its an idea. A construct. Maybe we were made to help teach others. Maybe we were made to bring joy to others. Maybe we were made to create with others. Maybe its all these and more. It usually has something to do with connecting with others, which is where we all find the most happiness. Being seen and heard. Helping others be seen and heard. Making a difference, finding meaning. Our hearts and our minds know the plan long before we realize it.

We all have the power to get here. But its a choice. And its a tough one. But its one every single one of us is capable of making. We start by choosing ourselves. By choosing to love ourselves. By radical self love and compassion. And once we choose ourselves, then we can start connecting with others in a more meaningful way, instead of people-pleasing or living for others wants or wishes. We need to be authentically ourselves first. It all starts with you. The real you deep down.

So, I do not have the answers to the questions you ask. The philosophical questions you brought forth is different for everyone, because everyone believes something different. What I say doesn't matter if it does not resonate with your truth and your reality. And no one truly knows these things or has the answers until we have left this world, and the fun part about life is experimenting and trying to figure out the questions while we're here.

What I will say, is finding the answers is easier when you don't skip steps. You seem to have a lot you need to ask yourself before asking others, and finding what matters most to you and figuring out why you have the questions you do and what that means mentally and emotionally. I sense a lot of anxiety and depression and anger and grief and self confidence issues, which will get in the way of a lot of things you are talking about achieving or have questions about if they are not processed and addressed. These are all normal things to deal with, but still things that need to be dealt with.

I could rattle off my own personal opinions about everything you ask, but again, it will not resonate with you if its not for you, and the mental blocks will still be there even after.

Having answers to things does nothing for us if we do not know how to use the information given to us.

Work on yourself and learn how to use information to make changes, and you will start to understand more about the world and things in it, even unseen.

The information I've given above tends to ring true for everyone I've encountered in life thus far, no matter age/gender/race/etc. People just figure it out at different ages and stages in their lives. But even religions tend to agree on these necessary steps taken to reach a higher place in our lives. I hope that it's helpful enough to start you on your journey towards everything you want, and lead you to a life that makes sense for you and one that you find happiness in.

(Adding this post to my pinned list under "How To Find Happiness" for anyone else who may need to hear this information)

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

in the world

or

no, in your head

or

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

or

i always end up knowing nothing

or

um

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

um

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

.

.

.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but

but i live in america

because

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

[awriterandabird]

not mentally ill enough to be fun for internet users to poke at, too mentally ill to be brushed off as "quirky", but just mentally ill enough to catch myself in yet another unending spiral of shame and agony!

wooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(dont press read more unless you read those tags. im warning you.)

for the love of GOD please help? stop?

earlier someone asked how they could help i told them to give me space i don't want to explode i feel like i need the opposite of space but also if anyone comes close to me i want to golf them into the sun don't talk to me. don't perceive me please talk to me. don't leave me

i wish i could channel this into something productive (not that i think anyone would want to see that. there's better artists and better art. whats one more little fag on the internet making stories about depression and derealization and autism and burnout. i don't have anything new to add.)

today i went outside and i had trouble staying in my own head

for a while i was a father struggling to keep doing his job because 'reality' around me kept feeling weird and wrong and i remember punching a hole in the wall and i heard birdsong but the birdsong was real and i was back on earth (in my body) and the vignette around my vision was tangible. a fly landed on my arm and it made me yell. i was real suddenly- the veil was gone. i walked around and i looked at some things. i saw a weed growing in the cracks of the asphalt and i saw grass growing through a circle of rocks. at the fairy tree i found a perfectly round rock and wondered what was inside. i was back in the crystal shop- the one across the water- where the ferry took us i remember the perfect little geodes they sold i was back home i remember readying that hammer only to completely fuck up the swing and ended up pulverizing most of it. but i looked and the pieces were right there at the fairy tree. i thought about art and how i would portray things if i and i was that father again and i was struggling to explain i couldn't speak at all really even in the arms of my wife i fought myself and another voice (myself) and i told myself im not real and i told myself why do i feel like im stealing something from someone else and why do i feel like my life is over but it never started and i was in the backyard looking for my cat when the gate slammed. it slammed in the wind. im real again. the sun is still out. the neighbors just came back home- i saw their car pull in. im ashamed to keep wasting time outside, so i walk back in my house

i might have gotten the order of events wrong

does it matter

does writing it down even matter

im giving the void (at first i typed "voice") a recollection of something that doest matter

recorded here for all of time, wasting space on a server, rotting, festering.

who is this for is this for myself?

wouldnt it be easier if i just told the people in my real life what was going on,

no you know what shut the fuck up.

go get a job dumbass.

..yeah i feel like a right waste of space.

"look. walk-ins accepted. you can apply here too when you apply at [x] tomorrow" "tomorrow?" "what else do you have going on in your life?" we walked down the rest of the aisle in silence. i didn't have a reply.

"whats the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?" "one can prescribe you drugs i think" "oh" we drove for 10 minutes in silence. i thought about my next question so carefully. i must have gone through dozens of iterations in that 5 minutes. i was the only one talking. during those 8 minutes i don't remember what the radio played. "which one of those two... tells you about if you have things in your head?" "what do you mean things in your head?" "like-" "like schizophrenia?" "yeah" "a psychiatrist i think. no? a psychologist. i forget" "yeah that's okay you don't know the answer, i probably should have researched myself, its kind of a lot of me to have expected you to have all the answers." "okay"

tomorrow i wake up. i have two options

>disappoint everyone (default option, no action required) >shut up, man up, get out of my room, become presentable, act Normal, interview at two different places, land a job, support the house, be a perfect functioning person

do i have an option

can i at least be a better person than writing a pathetic little vent longer than the colors of the sky. that no one cares about. that i wont care about in. fucking. whenever i can regulate my emotions again

wait will that even happen (someone made me go to type "(never)")

dear god. dear fucking lord. ive only been typing for. not long. it can't have been that long- less than half an hour- rollover just ended- but why the fuck did that person message me 6 times while im on DnD

aaaaaaaaaUGH i WANT TO GO. TO. BED.

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO TALK TO ME

BUT THEY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME

7 messages

why cant we talk about nice things? i have nice things too- when i see them. in that other place. posting back and forth admiring each others stories and characters. i have that too. please. please can you talk to me

but then i swear like clockwork someone reaches out and i think no. not YOU. i want. THEM. (they don't exist) (they are a nebulous construct) what do i want. what do i fucking want. what do i care about? who do i care about?

im sorry. im so sorry. im sorry and i'll promise to respond to you. im sorry i know how it feels to be ignored i don't want to do that to you. im sorry i don't understand these things you send me. i don't understand

earlier tonight i failed once again to follow a simple request

(i keep looking up at those 7 unread messages)

i failed to follow it and i felt so. broken? useless? stupid? worthless? how can you expect someone _like me_ to get a job. to be _functional_

i dont even know if what i want to do is what i want to do anymore

all that time i spent in school. im sorry i wasted your time. im sorry im not going to amount to anything more than that. than this.

"they said they lost you in the system" "lost?? i. i submitted 3 times. under 'jay', under '[dead]', under '[last1]', under '[last1-last2]', i tried. i tried." -- "maybe they just don't want to hire me" "that's not it" "[z] got back to me that one time. do you remember?" "oh only a little-" "they said they're not hiring for night positions. even if on the website, the spot is still open. maybe if i just. replied back again and told them i'd do day anyways" "well, would you rather work at [x], or [y], or [z]?" "[y] i guess... not because i want to work in fast food but the benefits-"

the one blessing of tonight is that at least i haven't been super dysphoric. im too busy trying to claw back into my own body to be worried about whether or not it fits. i just need to be IN one

its been so hard to think of it as anything other than "the body", rather than "me". its. supposed to be "me" i think

whatever that means

my head is swimming again. i need to end this post

7 unread messages

i know i'll hit post, and i'll never see this passage again good riddance. maybe with all the bile ejected now i can actually be

something. i still dont know.

[s-hera]

Give me an explanation!

~ Characters. Bonten!Rindou Haitani & Ran Haitani x Fem Reader! (Separate)

~ Tags. 18+, Mention of Cheating, Smut, Semi-public sex. Ran part is sanzu's fault, typo, grammatical error.

~ Wc. 1.7k

~ An. Sorry for the not detailed smut on rindou's part, I'm sleepy and shit but I might write smut soon so I can make it up to y'all.

Ran Haitani

Ran doesn’t tolerate jealousy. He’s the kind of man who don’t want his s/o to be jealous to anyone, he wants his s/o to trust him. He also know that it’s kinda hard to trust him since he slept with many woman before. Just one chance, give him one chance and trust him. He won’t break your trust, NEVER. He loves you very much that he would even ditch koko and sanzu’s invitation to the bar. 

“No, i’m busy and also y/n is enough for me.”

“You’re so killjoy haitani. This is like the tenth time you rejected our invitation, just give us one chance. Bar, my treat.” The pinkette argue with him.

“No, Fuck you treat. I could pay my own”

“Really? Then prove it.”

And now…he was dragged by the pinkette, can’t do anything and helpless. He knows he’s an haitani but he’s helpless because almost every bonten executive is there. Would be a shame if he leaves his higher ups. Too bad rindou isn’t there too. 

He was just having tequila, not talking, trying his best at least, So that no one would notice him. Sanzu taking his Beloved drugs. After having four glasses of whiskey, Sanzu suddenly notice him. The high sanzu, oh poor ran…he just wants to go home and cuddle his perfect s/o. 

High sanzu have an idea. 

“Hey Ran! You fine there? You look depressed, Want someone to accompany you?” High sanzu said. 

“No, I'm fine here. So shut the fu–”

“Hey Miss! This man right here wants you to accompany him” the pinkette shouted. Oh my god this drug addict would be dead. “What the fuck Sanzu!”

The girl then starts walking to ran, she sits on his lap without even his CONSENT. He wants to push of the girl of his lap but that would be rude, but he really wants to. He swears to himself that if this girl grinds to his lap, he would push her of and leave. He is done. The girl just won’t shut the fuck up, She’s being touchy and making him uncomfortable.  

Ok, yeah, he’s very done. He’s done. She pushed of the girl out of his lap.

“I’ll be leaving Manjiro. Tell sanzu that i have an s/o. I think he have forgotten. Please excuse me” He walked out of the bar. He can’t believe he spent more than 45 minutes inside. 

Entering the penthouse, it was silence…looks like you’ve already slept and didn’t wait for him.

But no, he spotted you in your shared bedroom, the blanket coiled around your body. 

“Good Evening baby!” He greets you but he didn’t get any respond.

“Have you eaten dinner?” He tried building up a conversation again but again no respond. He brings himself to the bed even though he hasn't taken a bath. “Baby, What’s wrong?do you want something?” 

“You cheated” that was your first two words to him tonight and he was confused…”Pardon?”

“My friends saw you inside a bar, one of roppongi’s bar.” 

“Baby…it’s not like that, i’ll explain everything to you.” 

“Then what is it? Explain this picture!” You showed him your phone that has his face and a girl face. 

“I’ll explain, please calm down. Don’t want my baby to be angry with me.”

“Stop calling me baby. It's annoying.” 

He started explaining that it was sanzu’s fault and not his. He told you that he was forced and he would rather cuddle you all day instead of going to a bar. 

“It’s Your fault too. You should’ve rejected the girl!” 

“But sanzu is high and i can’t reject it because he might kill me. That psychopath is annoying. Even manjiro and kokonoi can protest that i didn’t do anything wrong. Let me make it up to you.”

“I swear to god, haitani. You better tell the truth or i’ll kick myself out of this penthouse.”

“But im telling the truth. Please don’t be jealous, princess. You know you’re the only one.”

“Yeah, yeah. Go sleep in the guest room. No cuddles for three days too.”

“What?No! I want my cuddling privileges. I’ll ditch my works for three days, just let me have my cuddling privilege. I won’t take no as an answer.”

“Who are you to control my answers?”

“Your soon to be hubby”

“Mmm fine, though you need to stop being horny and leave my pussy alone.”

Ran was thankful you listen to his explanation but no fucking for three days?can he really do that when you really look good on your night gowns, it’s  not even a sexy night gowns…it’s more like a cute one. 

Rindou Haitani

Rin doesn’t have time to cheat on you. He knew that once he cheated it would be all over, he would be alone again in this lonely world, he isn’t implying that ran makes him feel lonely. He just knew that one day ran would have his own family, rindou can’t just stand being lonely, one companion would be fine, as long as it’s you he would be fine…he doesn’t need much companion. He promised to himself that he would never entertain other girls except you. 5 years. Rindou and you have been dating for 5 years. It would never be that long if you two didn't trust each other.

Rindou promised to have a dinner date with you.

7 pm…8 pm…9 pm…3 hours have passed, yet, still no rindou. You already knew and yet you made yourself look like a fool. You knew he was talking to a girl, Calling her. You wanted to confront him. But you just can’t bring it up because you don’t want to destroy that “five years” relationship. You noticed already with his reasoning like “I'm sorry sweetcheeks. but i'm kinda busy…manjiro has so many tasks assigned for us. You understand that right?” of course you do. You always knew that he’s not a normal person, he’s a person with power but to have that he needs to do something that can risk his life. You were on your way out…you’ve embarrassed yourself enough. For the past 3 hours the waiter have been asking what’s your order but you keep insisting that you’re waiting for your boyfriend…the waiter goes to your sit for more than 6 times. You keep on walking, not until, you spotted your boyfriend…ready to face you. Rindou spotted you quickly. You’re supposed to hide but nevermind he already saw you. As he approach you he started talking “Hi sweetcheeks…i’m sorry for being late. I was just busy with paper things”

“I know. Also, i tried calling you but you didn’t answer.”

“Wait…my phone was not ringing. Let me check it” he opened his phone then boom 12 missed call and 8 messages. Your head was full of thoughts…what if he’s really cheating? Why would he even silent his phone, he wouldn’t do that but if he’s cheating behind your back then…he would definitely do that. It’s either he don’t want to be disturbed while working or fucking someone behind your back.

“Hey, hey, baby…don’t overthink. Let’s talk about this in my car, should we?” You walked with him to his car…you don’t want to be one-sided and just listen to your own thinking. You want him to explain what’s going on. You two were walking with silence, just silence. No greeting him or asking him how his work is.

You entered and sit on the passenger seat.

“Now mind explaining?” you started because you know that he would never start a conversation.

“Again, i was busy…i’m sorry, i’ve forgotten about our date. I was just stresse–”

“No, not that. I know you are cheating.”

“Sweetcheeks?What do you mean by that?” rindou was shocked because you’ve never accused him of cheating before. He’s making himself calm because he know being angry wouldn’t do anything good.

“You’ve never silent your phone and i always hear you talking to a girl before you sleep and every morning too”

“Hey baby…I would never cheat on you. I’m not cheating. That girl was my new secretary, he was assigned by mikey…I already told Mikey that I don't need an assistant and I can work at home…so that i can be alone. Alone with you. You know that I hate working with other people, right? I would prefer you watching me while I do paper works. I’m not cheating, you can check my phone right now…i hate how that girl possess too, she’s just annoying. She would call me for literally no reason that’s why i put my phone on silent mode…please don’t be upset and don’t leave me too.” that was a long ass explanation. But it was great that he explained it neatly

“Ok, mister long ass explanation”

“I’m just reassuring you that i would never cheat. Now, let me make it up to you.” he start kissing your collarbone, caressing your thighs “You look so sexy on this outfit, sweetcheeks. You should wear skirts oftenly but to bad im just gonna rip it apart but don’t worry i’ll replace it with a new one” He removing your shirt and bra, just so he would see your perked up nipples.

His hands thats’s on your thighs started going upwards and sided your underwear…”So slutty, not wearing shorts underneath…really slutty, just for me, ok?”

“Just for you.” his BMW car is good for activities like that, it’s kinda spacious. He let you moves to his lap and now you can feel his bulge…”i’m sorry for accusing you, rinnie”

“ ‘ts fine baby…now shut up and let me fuck you good” Poor you…goodluck, you now can’t walk for 3 days…he made you jealous, you made him upset…now he’ll give you some good dicking down. Right now, right there.

© 2022 by s-hera━ all rights reserved! comments, likes, and reblog are highly appreciated. plagiarism is strictly prohibited.

[oops-aquarius]

tainted kisses

summary: steve needs some relaxation, which you provide to him

warnings: smut (!!!!), praise kink, slight degradation kink, a little bit of angst cuz a hoe is sad, oral fixation (duh), slight dom/sub dynamics (?), mentions of sadness/depression, tiny mommy kink (like barely there)

pairing: steve rogers x reader

word count: 2.2k

note(s): not edited well at all, also i used a prompt generator to get the promt i used (which is below !!)

prompt: “baths or water (tubs or jacuzzis; hot springs; water houses or steam rooms; the ocean; swimming pools.”

kink: “Oral fixation or fetishization (lips, tongue, or whole mouth; french-kissing; licking; oral displays using food or beer bottles; smoking cigarettes, cigars, or pipes; biting or chewing one's lip(s))”

--

***this is post-endgame except nobody died, cause im a hoe for all of the avengers***

Steve never realized how much he liked things in his mouth. Not always in a sexual way, at least not until after fighting Thanos.

After fighting for so long, bottling up his emotions was not at all how Steve needed to cope. He tried the yoga and meditation route Wanda had so kindly suggested. Yeah, after one session of hot yoga, Steve decided that it wasn't going to happen. Tony, obviously, suggested sex. Said something about it being a “healing experience for the soul”. That’s bullshit were Steve’s first thoughts when that came out of his mouth. Bucky told him to get some goats and raved about how therapeutic it was to raise them. But Steve could barely take care of himself, how would he even take care of a goat? Steve felt a hot sense of hopelessness burn against the back of his eyes as he sat on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the adjoined bathroom door.

“Steve?” A soft knock came from the front door. He took his thumb away from his mouth, he had resorted to subconsciously nibbling on the tip of it. Pulling himself off the door and towards the voice, he rubbed his tear-stricken cheeks in attempts to clean himself up a bit before seeing you.

“One sec, Y/N/N.”

When he opened the door, your face softened a bit before the smile that Steve, secretly, loved so much dropped off your face completely. “Stevie, what happened?”

Stevie, a nickname he hated for his entire life. A name that reminded him of the days before the super solider serum where he was a little guy getting beaten up on the streets of Brooklyn. Stevie, a nickname he loved hearing from your caring voice. Nobody else’s. 

“Just tired, Y/N” he sighed, “so,so tired.”

“Stevie,” your voice caught at the back of your throat. Seeing him in so much pain made your life turn upside down. He doesn't deserve to be in pain. “ S’there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Just stay with me? Please?”

You took him back into his bed and sat with him, just talking about life until his breathing turned back to normal and he seemed partially-okay. 

“Do you want to take a bath?” you asked, still stroking the blonde strands of his hair.

“Are you saying I smell?” He took his face out of the crook of your shoulder, feigning a look of hurt.

“No, punk, I meant to relax. You seemed pretty shaken up and I just wanted to help. I mean, that’s what I do when I feel down, relax in a bat-”

He cuts you off, “I appreciate it. Really, Y/N, I don’t know many people that are as loving and caring as you, sweetheart.” The nickname made a pang in your heart. You had like the super solider since you had met him, but never felt like he reciprocated the feelings. Even though you both cuddled often, and had movie nights, and he always let you beat him while sparring, and that one time you came down with a stomach bug and he fed you soup and-holy shit. Did Steve like you? “Sweetheart?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘A bath does sound nice’. What’s got you so suddenly zoned out?” He says, donning a smirk.

“It’s nothing. Let’s get you into that bath, mister,” you had a faux grumpy look on your face as you got up and walked to the bathroom, starting to fill the white, ceramic bathtub with warm water. “Okay, big boy. You need help getting up or are you okay?”

Rolling his eyes at your inauthentic tone, Steve pushes his tensed frame off the body and managed to stumble into the bathroom, while you following him closely to make sure he doesn't fall over from exhaustion.

“I get it, I’m old, but damn Y/N. I can walk perfectly fine,” He chuckles as he pushes himself up to sit on the counter top.

You start to fill up the bathtub with warm water, adding bubbles and lighting a few scented candles. He looked so pretty, hair sticking out in every direction, lips pink and puffy from biting them, his ocean blue eyes still misty as he looks down at his cuticles, picking them slightly. 

“Okay, I’m gonna leave so you can take this bath,” you say, shutting off the faucet, “Got it?”

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Stevie.”

“Stay, please.” His eyes were watering more than earlier. He had those puppy dog eyes, lip quivering as his voice cracked and wavered even with just a few words. He looked so vulnerable, how could you say no to him?

“Of course, Steve. I mean, the bubbles with kind of cover everything. I’ll just sit next to the tub with you, alright?” You awkwardly giggled and scratched the back of your neck. He nodded, hopping off of the counter and starting to undress himself with a wobble. “Stevie, you’re shaking like a leaf, let me help you.”

His eyes never met yours as you helped him pull his t-shirt over his head and looped your delicate fingers through the waistband of his sweatpants, dragging them down his muscular thighs. “You’re not gonna finish your job, doll?”

His boxers. The only clothes he had left on were his grey boxers. You wanted to give him privacy and not look, especially in such a broken and vulnerable state. But god, you could see the outline of his partially-hard cock through the soft cotton. You thought about what it would be like to have your mouth around his hard length, chocking on it as he rammed himself into the back of your throat.

“Ummm, I just--I thought--I mean I can---Only if you want--” The dirty thoughts clouded your brain. It made speaking a speaking a sentence almost impossible as your mouth watered just thinking about his cock.

“It was a joke, sweetheart,” he laughed heartily, “You’re too adorable.”

Pulling his boxers down his legs, he waddled tiredly over to the tub before stepping in. He groaned in pleasure at the feeling of the warm water encapsulating his exhausted body. You imagined that’s how he’d groan if you sucked his cock so hard he was seeing stars.

You were still facing the door, like you were as Steve got completely undressed. You knew if you turned around and look at him, naked and at ease, you’d jump his bones in a heartbeat. “Come sit with me, Y/N”

And you did. You turned around cautiously, like you expected, the bubbles covered his body enough for you to be able to handle yourself as you sat down next to the tub. You grabbed his hand away from his lips, running your soft fingers over his rough calloused ones. “I always see you biting your nails or cuticle or lips or your pens. Why?”

He sighed, “I’m not sure, I guess it just distracts me?” He said it more like it was a question rather than a statement. “I guess I don’t truly know why I do it, I guess I just enjoy having things in my mouth.”

You could read Steve like a book, his pupils blown with lust, his lip stuck between his teeth, a blush heating up his cheeks. You took a leap of faith.

“Yeah, like what?”

“You.”

His lips were on yours in a flurry, it took a second for you to react, but as soon as you did it felt amazing. Neither of you seemed to care about the water splashing over you as his hands trailed up your body, tugging at the hem of your shirt.

He pulls away panting, “F-Fuck, Y/N, I need you. Please. Oh my god I need you so bad,” His eyes looked as if they were welling up with tears and he looked so pretty still in the relaxing bubble bath, whimpering and whining for you. 

“God, I need you too, baby,” you stop to look in his eyes sincerely, “Are you sure you want this? I don’t want to do anything that you don’t want to do or that you will regret.” Your hand caresses his cheek.

“Just get in here with me and I’ll show you how much I want you,” he whispered, “Need you, really.”

You sighed before your hands moved shakily to take off your t shirt. As much as you wanted this, you were still scared of how the ripped super solider would feel about you and your body, As soon as your shirt was off, Steve was whimpering, dipping his hand into the soapy water to massage his aching cock. This only spurred you to take off your clothes and join him faster. 

“Did I say you could touch yourself, puppy?” Your stern voice caught him off-guard, making him pause his actions with a look of fear on his face. You step into the bathtub, straddling him. Your nails raked up his milky white thighs, trailing up his body admiring the beauty of it. “Y’Know I was planning on being nice to you because you’ve been so good to me, but you might need to be punished, baby? Do you need to punshied like a brat?”

He mewled, bowing his head in shame. You could feel him growing harder and harder by the second and you were starting to go crazy with the empty feeling inside of you that on he could fill. “No, ma’am. I’ll be good, I swear!”

“Mmmm, that’s my good boy.” Your hands slid up his chest and rested on his cheeks, hearing him preen at your praise, as you repositioned yourself over his cock. “Are you sure you want this?”

“If you dont ride me into next week right fucking now I’m going to scream, Y/N,” He breathed out with a chuckle, Grabbing your thighs, he helps you sink down on his cock. Both of you were moaning and whimpering messes by the time you were sitting at this base of him, trying to get adjusted to his large size. 

Hot tears burned at the back of his eyes as soon as you lifted yourself up off of him, only leaving the tip of him inside of you, and slamming back down on his dick. 

“Baby-please,” he whimpered, “n-need, shit, need your fingers, bad.” 

You were confused, slowing down a bit to make sure he was okay. But his puppy dog eyes showed that he was okay. Slowly taking your wrist from his cheek, he puts your fingers in his warm mouth. Moaning around them and swirling his tongue around them. He did it the same way you always dreamed about sucking his dick, chocking and gagging on his length.

“Yeah, you’re such a needy little slut for me, for this pussy. Look at you, so ruined and fucked out just because I’m fucking you.” He moaned sensually at your words making your core tighten impossibly. 

You had gotten a good idea as you were riding him. Slowly, you start to thrust your hand in and out of his mouth, watching the saliva dribble out of the corners of his mouth as he choked on you. The band in your tummy starts tightening as you feel yourself getting close. 

“Shit, fuck, baby, I’m gonna come. Oh my god, you’re make me come with your beautiful cock, puppy. So good for me, aren’t you?” Your free hand dips into the water, cupping his balls and rolling them around your soft palm.

He nods, choking on your nimble finger yet again his you massage his sensitive balls. “Gonna come,” he slurred and spit around you.\, “almost there.”

“I didn’t” you moaned as you feel his balls tighten, fall back down on his cock at a faster pace, “give you permission to do that. I thought you were going to be good for me?”

“I am” he spluttered loudly, “i am good, I swear. Just please let me come. I need it, oh shit, mommy.”

The name went straight to your core, making you grow weak as you feebly give him permission to come as you come undone with one more bounce on his large member. His hands come up to grope your breasts as he come with hot spurts inside of your tight cunt. 

“Oh my god,” you stifle a giggle as you stand up on shaky legs. You wordlessly helped him out of the tub and wrapped him in a white towel, walking him to bed while you dried yourself off. Collapsing on the bed with a grunt, the solider hollds out his hand to you, signalling you to lay down with him. You could easily tell he was still coming down from his sex high, starting to regain his self back.

“I dont know what possessed me to,” he pauses, trying to figure out a way to word the rest of his sentence, “to suck, I guess, on your hand. I’m sorry, Y/N, that was really weird of me.”

“What do’ya mean, baby? Having an oral fixation isn’t something to be ashamed of.” The words make him smile with droopy eyes, tucking his head into your neck and starting to fall asleep, happy and comfortable, cuddling you.

“And to be honest, puppy. I think it’s really hot.”