#really just left alone the whole time??
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It makes sense that the HTTYD Vikings wouldnāt know this while they were fighting for their lives against Furiousā forces butā¦.Furious declared war on ALL of humanity right?? Did he just start with the Vikings and the Americas have no fucking clue what might be about to hit them? Is everyone else just chilling or did HTTYD become an alternate history series off screen while dragons stole Visigoth valour and fridged the Roman Empire hundreds of years earlier? Aka were their multiple fronts to the red rage that attacked other human societies or did Furious pile all of his forces on the Vikings? Is this a post apocalypse novel set in America where secretly the rest of the world is totally fine and the Americans donāt know?
#bc likeā¦Hiccup is the biggest threat to the cause thus the Vikings are Top Priorityā¢ļø to the red rage#but also like the Romans were shown to be pretty fucking awful and low key worse then a lot of the Vikings towards dragons so weāre they#really just left alone the whole time??#also..the world big and that means many humans many dragons#Is it realistic to think Furious could both rally ALL dragons everywhere to this but also convince dragons who had suffered at the hands of#non Viking humans to go attack these strangers first rather then getting direct revenge??#so itās honestly possible that the Roman Empire dragons all had an uprising sparked by Furiousā movement and encouragement and just fucking#killed all the Romans or something#also like?? how are the northern wanderers doing during this bc theyāre like the chill humans canonically but I donāt think furious cares#im guessing theyāre all low priority#httyd books#httyd book spoilers#the dragon furious#I genuinely canāt remember if the Romans are brought up at all in the later books#shut up Flynn#not sw#these tags are a mess
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Being constantly surrounded by the presence of a loving God sounds great until you realize you never know when his freaky fuckin eyes are gonna show up to check on you.
And man. They do it a LOT.
#primus please let the mech breathe#what i want to emphasize most with this iteration of optimus is the inherent fucking terror of being made a prime#really pick at those little threads of how fucked the matrix as a concept is. same with the staple tropes of op himself#the idea in tfp that it can entirely change your personality. and that if you lose it you cannot remember your time with it#those implications send me spiraling. to what degree is optimus the same being as orion pax? do you forfeit your soul to be a demigod?#do you fucking die to become a conduit for the higher being that made you? letting it puppet your mind and body like a parasitoid?#if death in transformers is simply rejoining the allspark; if the soul is something splintered off from the whole;#and if to die as a cybertronian is for that fragment to merge with the whole once again. is a prime not fundamentally a dead mech walking?#a prime stands with one pede in the afterlife and one in the land of the living and has to keep up with both at once#constantly seeing visions from a plane his processor was never meant to comprehend with optics that were never built to see it#forced to adapt into an elevated being as much as a frame that still has silly things like wants and needs and emotions and base coding can#how does a mortal live when his body is no longer just his body; but a vessel fir something holy and a tool fashioned to heal the world?#when he can never truly be alone again and he has to simply live with the ever present knowledge that he is being watched#both by his god and by the world#how does one live knowing not even their thoughts are private? when your god may be living but man he does not get the idea of boundaries#guess it must be hard to grasp personal space and all that when youre an ocean of souls that left it behind#maccadam#transformers#wayward sparks#optimus prime#art tag#sometimes i feel kinda bad for putting this bastard through The Horrors. if ws gets made all the way he will be thrown so many bones#only sometimes tho >:3
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āuh ⦠itās a bit girly ⦠no?ā javier examines himself in the reflection of his knifeās blade, looking this-a way and that, the dark blue of a large silken bow now peeking sheepishly around his neck as it sits gently in his hair. next to him, kieran clams up a smidge, hands still held close to his chest nearby his completed ribbon project on javierās head. he finds it in himself to wring his hands a time or two rather than immediately undo his work as javier seems to continue to formulate his final opinion. āyou ⦠think so? look at me?ā kieran asks, politely as a mouse. javier easily complies, turns at his hips and looks behind, up at kieran where he sits on the stump above him.
kieran, as he peers over, canāt help the meadow of flush that blooms over his neck, then his ears, then his nose and his cheeks. he can tell javier is deep in thought by the look on his face, mouth twisted just a might sideways, cocking his mustache awry, and the deep wrinkle sat between his brows. the ribbon he used matches javierās vest perfectly, and the shine of the silk warms bright in the sun, just like every piece of jewelry and metal javier has adorned himself with. with this ribbon, javierās hair sits lower on his head, ponytail draped down his nape and more hair framing his face in his bangs. kieran resists an urge to tuck one side back behind his ear.
kieran thinks that he looks like a painting, a muse, a love letter so heartbreakingly full of adoration that the only language it could be written in is bright swipes of pigment on a canvas. as he makes eye contact with the silk squinting around the red of a necktie, he thinks that javier may be right, if āgirlyā could sum up āpoetry written in effeminate reverenceā.
kieran always did think women made better art, wrote better books- found a better way to love. softer. warmer. prettier. like javier.
the world sounds like itās underwater.
āi think ⦠itās very pretty. it suits you real well.ā
earnest to a fault, the look in kieranās eye dances gingerly with javierās internal voice. it dips and sways him, and javier, despite his instinct, finds himself charmed by its rhythm.
ā-b-but! i could take it out! if you donāt-ā javier looks down at himself in his knife again, the sunlight filtered through the leaves glinting a yellow green around his dark features, and kieran hands him patience on a silver platter. a rich blue makes friends with bright green quite easy, javier thinks. this is how he must look through kieranās mossy lens.
āpretty ⦠yes. you know, i think you may be right. iāll keep it. gracias.ā
#oizy asked me at some point to write about the exchange that happens when kieran first gives javier his first big ribbon ⦠i think#and iāve been thinking about it this whole time :ā] and iāve been wanting to write them for a long while now too so i thought it would be fu#n to just jot it down :��] ⦠this could have been written better but i fear if i donāt post it now i never will LOL iāll just overthink it š„²#i have a few more writing drafts started that i hope i can finish soon ā¦. writing is very fun for me ! i just ⦠run out of steam easy and th#en never pick drafts up again ššš iām kinda the worst creater ever LOL#anyway ! yeah i think javier initially was very put off by it but kieran with all of his autismo wisdom simply does not gaf about gender#gender* roles. he just thinks ribbons and bows are so pretty and javier walks around like a little peacock so kieran thinks that he (literal#ly) deserves a big pretty bow on top !#this is still in horseshoe overlook actually. right before they move though. in the cusp of that time where javier begins to get curious abo#ut kieran and kieran begins to feel just a teeny weeny bit braver when it comes to ⦠having a personality around the other gang members LOL#and at this point kieranās attraction to javier (at the very least physically) has been fully realized. javier never really did like him (or#so he thought) but heās left him completely alone for the past month or so and so kieran thinks heās got enough emotional berth to try and#give him a gift. thatās why theyāre so awkward and weird lowkey LOL javier is still a bit spiteful but i think towards the end of horseshoe#he has moments where heās able to be very very calm about kieran and try to empathize with him. especially in the moments where kieran is so#kind to him that javier simply cannot find it in himself to think that itās an act of some sort. it was immediately after this that javier w#ent hunting and gutted a rabbit so hard on accident that he ruined the meat by puncturing the intestines. he confuses even himself sometimes#pining ! but in a really weird and subtle and calm way ! i do think they have their moments where itās like a wildfire in them and they just#get completely burnt up by it ⦠but sometimes they also pine like the wax and wane of the ocean lapping at the bank. easy. calm. warm. love#unrealized yet but ever-present still. they carry the weight of love in their hearts around every day. these two are burdened by it. but whe#n they are together ⦠this weight ⦠the pits in their stomachs that they cannot rid themselves of ⦠when they are together all of the sudden#it seems as though the world around them slows down. and itās easy to feel ⦠calm. like they belong there. like theyāre okay and safe and ..#free.#anyway. i like them a normal amount :) and sometimes their dynamic is really complicated to me ! and they contradict themselves sometimes !#and that is really fun to me !!!#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#hero more like shakespeare
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god i wish they hadn't retconned maul's death. i get wanting to explore more of his character because he was, objectively, one of the coolest star wars characters to ever hit the big screen and didn't get much screentime prior to his death, but also his role was fulfilled perfectly within those constraints so i wasn't too upset by it.
but by retconning it and making it so he never died it's like. okay. what now? the whole point (well, to me, ymmv of course) of the theed generator fight was that it was the first ever fight between the jedi and the sith in thousands of years, and that in the end even though the jedi (obi-wan) won the fight, a jedi (qui-gon) and a sith (maul) still died. a master and an apprentice dying together to herald the start of a new age/the return of the sith. perfectly paralleling the way in rotj a master (palps) and an apprentice (anakin/vader) died together to herald the return of the jedi. in both instances, a father figure (qui-gon/vader) dies in the arms of their son (obi-wan/luke) as a sith (palps/maul) is cast down into the abyss to their deaths. (palps being alive in the ST and retconning his death in rotj is also annoying for this reason)
i mean i like maul. don't get me wrong. he's an incredibly compelling character and i enjoy seeing more of him... but there's always the thought hovering in my mind like "he should be dead though. he should 100% be dead. this wouldn't be happening if he was dead, but i honestly would rather it not if it meant that maul was dead."
like the tpm fight just doesn't hit the same knowing that canonically he's just. going to become a robot octopus at some point. (shoutout to palps becoming sith glados in the ST) it cheapens the moment for me. it was supposed to be a moment of triumph marred by the deep and soul-crushing loss of a loved one and it's just... not, anymore. or at least not to the same extent. AUGH i'm just. frustrated. wish star wars as a whole wasn't constantly reframing/retconning what's been established. just puts a bad taste in my mouth.
#personal#star wars is HUGE#there's a GALAXY'S worth of stories to be told#and we're always for whatever reason focusing on this ONE PARTICULAR TIME PERIOD#it's suffocating#this is partly why i'm so excited to see the acolyte#it's a break from the skywalker saga#i love the skywalkers. i love the skywalker saga.#but that's also why i want them to STOP ADDING TO THEIR STORY#sometimes a story has a beginning middle and an end and that's okay!#that's fantastic!#we don't need to see between the lines! or behind the scenes! what if we just LEFT IT ALONE#AUGH#anyways. i don't know. i'm just frustrated with the state of star wars as a whole#it feels so claustrophobic right now. just because the space is there and undefined doesn't mean it needs to be filled#this constant push to canonize the years leading up to an event with content is so frustrating#negative space in an image isn't a bad thing it just helps guide the eye to what's most important#otherwise it gets too cluttered. too noisy. too DISTRACTING.#this was supposed to be about maul being alive but it's really about my ongoing grievances with how star wars is cannibalizing the movies#i'm tired of it........ tired i tell you#anyways that's all. real old man yells at cloud moment rn lmao
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you know i do wonder how many sonic characters actually have living parents. like knuckles is the last of his kind so obviously his parents arent around anymore. both guys who could be considered shadows dads are 100 percent confirmed dead. sonic is canonically an orphan im pretty sure. and on the other side of the coin cream is like the only character in the game cast who has a living parent we actually see onscreen. but what about everyone else i dont think theres a straight answer for any other character. other than rouge's mom being mentioned a couple times i Guess but we dont even know anything about her or if shes still alive just that she existed at some point. are these kids constantly putting themselves in danger because they dont have parents around to stop them or because their parents just dont care
#like what about tails. im guessing he didnt have any sort of family he was attached to if he left to be with sonic so quickly#but that doesnt really mean he didnt have parents at all. maybe he had parents and they just sucked i dont know#what about amy. what if she had parents this whole time we just never see them.#what about blaze. considering shes a princess id assume she was born into that role#but i dont know if her parents are ever actually mentioned#maybe theyre dead and there was no one else to take on their role and thats why blaze has so much responsibility at such a young age?#silver . he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone i cant really imagine him hvaing parents sorry#considering charmy is 6 and living with vector. an adult whos obviously not his biological dad.#i feel like something probably happened to charmys parents#espio i dont really question as much#becuase it feels very common in the sonic universe for teenagers to have more freedom than would be expected in real life#or maybe its not that common and the teenagers we're actually following are just living the most fucked up lives ever. i dotn know#but either way. espio where are your parents buddy. are they still alive. vector where are YOUR parents are they still alive#i dont know if i actually want canon explanations for all this though#because its kinda fun not knowing every detail about every characters life and being able to speculate and insert your headcanons n stuff#to be clear im talking about game canon#i know stuff like archie sonic and the sonic movies and the 90s cartoons will sometimes give characters new family members#or talk about their family situation even if the games dont say anything about that sort of thing
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The Snow yearning is so strong tonight
#pan gushes#f/o: āļø#AUGH...#We've been married for years and yet here I am still getting butterflies and stuff like when I first fell for him#I just...gkdnfkdnfkdj#I'm so bad at putting my feelings for my f/os to words sometimes#But I love and adore Snow so much#He brings me so much comfort and makes me feel so safe which means so much to me#I like feeling safe around someone and being able to just lower my guard around y'know?#Also in true ff13 Panchi fashion- I too am quite a crybaby deep down#āWas getting tearyeyed because of how badly they wanted a Snow kiss and to be in Snow's arms#Speaking of crying. (Wait no that sounds bad but I promise it wont be that bad)#My S/I post-Trilogy often has nightmares about their death in the Old World. The downfall of said Old World. Stuff like that#If left alone they they just start sobbing even even more#But Luckily Snow tends to wake up and comfort them- He's really sweet and patient the whole time#even when Panchi is apologizing about waking him up and the past and how they feel responsible for everything bad that happened and-#But yeah. Snow isn't the best with words but he's good at comforting Panchi and helping them fall asleep again#Snow also has his fair share of nightmares Post-Trilogy. Though not as much as Panchi#His nightmares tend to be about those centuries he spent along in LR and seeing Panchi Die again#And since Panchi is a light sleeper. They wake up quickly and reassure him that he's not alone and that they're alive and well#On those nights it's most comforting for Snow to sleep in Panchi's arms with his head on their chest#He likes listening to their heartbeat since it's a reminder that yes. they are indeed alive and well. and their chest is comfy-#ANYWAYS! afksnfjs Got really sidetracked there my apologies! Could've probably made a whole second post there#Goodnight gamers <3 Hope everyone's night goes well
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#i never understood the whole 'do you want xy food?' 'no' 'why not?'#like. i just don't??#what do you expect me to say? like i just can't fathom. do they think i'll say i'm dieting or have an eating disorder? is that it?#because i don't. i just don't want food sometimes#and being asked why and why not at least 3 times isn't gonna make me want to eat#but also 'you're so quiet'#thanks#i usually barely talk anyway but now that you mention it i've been feeling like i'll burst into tears whenever i open my mouth for weeks#and i've been really struggling lately and feel so tired and like i'll lose my mind#but i have no one to go to and get any sort of support or help#so i've just been letting it brew you know. as one does#and your questions about exams and the future aren't helping but i'm being polite and keeping my mouth shut#because you wouldn't treat me very nicely if i broke down in any way#i also just learned a few hours ago that some things really do run in the family#and i once again had to not burst into tears but i've been having a hard time smiling too and i know it's being noticed#but i can't have it be pointed out#so you see. i don't want food. i don't want to talk. i want to be left alone to rot and do the only things i thought i should do#but now i wish it all went to shit right in front of me so i could go with it#oh and you also commented on something which made me realize you might just think i'm 'not healthy'#which made part of my soul die on the spot#but it's all good <3 just a little tired you know
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crick is a few years older than isaiah... what if he had very faint i was a little boy memories of isaiahs mom before she died oxo
#thinking sooo hard about it#really a blind leading the blind moment#they get along well honestly. crick enables isaiahs sadboy side where he just wants to mope about bad stuff in his life#and isaiah enables crick to actually get it out of his system because hes very active (destructive) about negative expression#isaiah isnt a crier hes a breaker. crick is a sogggggggggy drinker who just cries all day abt it#so theyre very cathartic left to their own devices#i think crick being like thank god my mom drove my dad off. hed probably be like your dad if he was still around#and isaiah goes i wish my mom was around to do that... and getting soggy about not having ever gotten to know her#so crick dredges up the faintst foggiest memories of knowing her before she died and isaiahs RAPT just RAPT#and it makes crick cry bc hes SUCH a mamas boy the idea of losting cathy like that makes him blubber#so they just blubber about it together#thats their whole dynamic LOL#its why they only ever let themselves be alone 1ce and they went on a wholeass sadboy road trip about it#then did NOT stay in touch after#bc its not. a very healthy friendship all things considered#its really great when hunter first leaves tho bc crick is the ONLY person who gets it. what isaiahs feeling#bc he and hunter werent together but he LOOOOVED him and crick had the same thing happen w d.alex when he left for college#and never ever came back. ever. he left for good the moment he got a foot out#ofc that comes around to isaiah and hunter absolutely end up together and crick and d.alex Do Not. dave never felt that way abt him so#but its for the best#cricks husband is VERY good for him. gideon is no nonsense and doesnt have time for moping#he whips crick into shape as his lil househusband instead LOL
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admittedly i did say i was going to bed soon like an hour and a half ago. alas i was bingeing tma and what. am i supposed to just go to sleep after that. no. the patient needs 4 friendlyjordies videos back to back
#my post#yknow squirm does not exactly inspire fear in me because the whole time im just thinking WORM SEX EPISODE!!!#but i only got halfway through a fathers love before going 'oh i am NOT gonna be able to sleep if i experience The Dark Monsters'. sadness.#i CANT sleep w the light on bcus my lamp gets really hot and i fear it would catch ablaze if left alone for such a period of time#alas
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film bro's choosing the most deadly (or morally grey or whatever it is) sigma character of 2023 to base their personality on

meanwhile me knowing none of them have got anything on this silly little eldritch horror yet to come

#he created a nuclear bomb without fully realizing the consequences? well just wait till you hear what this guy did#60th anniversary specials haven't been released yet#but you know this is true#i was inspired by a bunch of killer related posts#which was moslty ppl arguing which fictional character is smarter/had a higher kill count or whatever (i don't really know how it works)#i don't really understand the whole sigma male thing#but nobody can beat 2000 year old alien being with a god complex who comitted genocide and goes mad every time they're left alone#he just wanted to work in a little shop GODDAMIT#also the sigma male thing is so hypermasculine and the doctor being the antithesis of this (by literally being genderfluid) is hilarious#the killer#oppenheimer#doctor who#the doctor#david tennant#cillian murphy#michael fassbender
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god i'm so fucking happy elma at least got the respect she needed with her true form. seriously what a FUCKING relief holy shit š
#xcxde dany thoughts#xenoblade chronicles x spoilers#xenoblade x spoilers#but still fuck monolithsoft for doing THAT to her mim form like lmao#i mean they shut me the hell up real good with the true form but they literally (as far as i can tell) left it alone so it's just beyond#baffling#yeah yeah i won't shut up about this it really was worrying me this whole time but can you blame me#have you SEEN those closeups of DE mim elma. ahhhhhh i'm so happy. i can continue to enjoy the rest of my sunday....#junk#xcx#tag later
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i wish i could just do nothing for a few days straight. maybe even just sleep for a few days straight. sooo excited for constant misery over the next 20 days
ranting in the tags. i would just scroll past if i were you
#i love college.my favorite part is sitting alone on my couch for 4 months straight and getting so freaked out over grades i spend#5 hours straight trying to avoid the urge to bite into my arm so hard i bruise or bash my head into a wall#meanwhile i keep thinking my life is over. i don't have any evidence. for the first time in my life the future isn't predetermined by#other people and now that i don't know what comes next i just constantly get freaked out. it makes me want to claw through my skin#i know something is wrong with me. it's been 5 years. i know it isn't just going to go away; especially given current circumstances#and how it's only been getting worse over time#but i continue to just sit on my couch and do nothing about it. and since i'm not doing anything about it i just feel like i don't have the#right to complain about it even though shit fucking sucks. months of my life at a time just blur together#god. i was genuinely happy last month when i ripped a bunch of booster packs with my mates that i only see over the summer (minus my bestie#and it made me realize just how much everything's blurred together. i hadn't really felt anything lasting + significantly positive#for months before that. that's not normal#god. i've been wanting to go to bed for the last two hours but i just keep sitting here going āum! you need to study. and wash dishes. andā#so i just. don't. which is already bad but i also need to get up early so i can study for my test tomorrow.#god. fucking dreading my lab tomorrow. went to it last week but dipped at the last minute without getting my work checked off#and without submitting it because i got so angry and freaked out and telling myself āman you can just leaveā calmed me down instantly#and then at that point i had like nothing done and i didn't want to admit that so i just. left#if i get asked about it i'll just say it was something personal and i panicked. shrug#a part of me is beyond tempted to skip the lab again but i'm not confident in my assignment grades in that class to do so#even though i'll end up with a 5 point bonus on the final grade from taking a survey. but i'll probably go just cause#it's the second to last lab#man i have three whole ass projects due in that class in 10 days. unless my mental state suddenly improves (it won't) i'm gonna end up doin#those the last possible three days#speaking of assignments. we had to do a group project in my bio lab yeah? the methods my group went with sucked and honestly these#people were a little bit frustrating (i get it. gen ed lab at 7:30am. i'm only in it cause i panicked when a different class registration#fell through) since it always felt like they were more interested in getting done than having like. slightly decent work but whatever#but these people? these people asked me to write the conclusion for our presentation. i ask āyeah sure yeah. what did we concludeā#āeh. you can write whateverā ???????????????? HUH???? MATE THAT IS HALF OF THE WORK???????????????????#the shitty sensors and our shitty methods gave us shitty data and YOU PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN SUGGEST WHAT THE CONCLUSION IS????????? fuck me dud#i was already in a poor mood (normal mental illness plus i had found out my uncle died like three days before#like i had talked to him just last month. never had someone i know die before. sucks) but that shit pissed me off
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force šā¤ļø
Canāt believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still canāt believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because Iāve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (Iām sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear itās speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i havenāt#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah thatās how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao š)#Iāve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff itās so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I donāt go there and probably never will š#I personally donāt enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesnāt negatively affect anyone#but yeah Iād much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like Iām not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what Iāve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#Iāve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you donāt love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you donāt deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* itās a package deal you canāt just pick and choose and personally I donāt even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone whoās passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters š¤·š»āāļø#I think Iāve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (canāt believe Iāve yapped so much I canāt put more tags š)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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once again, the great question of "if i do this thing i will be upset but if i dont do this thing i will still also be upset"
#god i just wish everyone left me alone foreverrrrrr!!!!!!! (but at the same time being lonely sucks. but does it really)#i am losing myself to my own false interpretations of me!!#yay how fun guy super alright over here i am doing so great#just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year#just this one more time and ill be fine after i promise#i keep having nightmares when sleeping#god the mood swings have never been this bad before#realistically i REALLY should ask for help and go to an actual therapist instead of dealing with this alone -#- but it has been working out so well so far!! (<- total bs)#im the kind of person that never takes action unless the whole thing is minutes away from crashing down#mdiaryposting#i dont think im that great of a person after all#sigh im going to sleep. and skipping tomorrow. and once again turning out to be a giant hypocrite#i should delete this later i think
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no really there is a special kind of academic grief when your classes are fascinating, they present interesting challenges, your homework is stimulating, fun to do, and you feel good when you get it done, your classmates are kind and fun and have so much interesting shit to say.
but you're wayyy busy spending your time 50% trying to be the best potted plant your parents have ever owned 50% blasting your brain with endless stimulation lest you start crying and hitting yourself because you had an unpleasant thought.
#ngl it was extremely hard in the first few weeks like socially and regarding the working environment#(2000 students in a building that's Not That Big is awful i wanted to rip my ears off)#but i deeply miss having FUN during exams#listen. is it fun to be at 8am sharp in the exam hall? no.#was it a fun feeling last year to hang the whole trajectory of my life and education on 5 exams? no.#but they were fun i was having a good time i really liked constructing my point throughout the paper#i'm dogshit at it but it doesn't matter the point was that i was having fun and practicing and improving#now i work half an hour out of four being extremely slow at making the worst plan i've ever made in my life#and then the lethargy takes me and i sleep standing straight in my chair the whole three hours that i have left#awful#the whole point of picking a cursus with a lot of classes and a lot of homework was to escape my parents#that since they value academics and my dad went to the same cursus when he was young therefore they'd know it takes a lot of work#that they'd leave me alone and they wouldn't keep feeding into the fucking compulsions or whatever the fuck they are#but NO no again it's clear that no matter how much time i spend with them how much i center my whole life around them and their routine#it's never enough it's never enough to earn myself some peace#their way is the objective Good and Comfortable way to live and deviating from it must mean i'm wicked and sad and i'm failing and them too#no matter how clear i have tried my best to be on the many occasions i've told them THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE AND DO FOR YOUR SAKE#i was more independant when i was younger and everybody told me it was wrong it was weird i was just a wittle baby who needed mommy#i didn't earn this independance#now i'm trying my best to please them and comply with what they want. except what they tell me they want they don't want apparently.#and it doesn't earn me any independance either#broadcasting my misery#vent
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it šš#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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