#really just left alone the whole time??
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It makes sense that the HTTYD Vikings wouldnāt know this while they were fighting for their lives against Furiousā forces butā¦.Furious declared war on ALL of humanity right?? Did he just start with the Vikings and the Americas have no fucking clue what might be about to hit them? Is everyone else just chilling or did HTTYD become an alternate history series off screen while dragons stole Visigoth valour and fridged the Roman Empire hundreds of years earlier? Aka were their multiple fronts to the red rage that attacked other human societies or did Furious pile all of his forces on the Vikings? Is this a post apocalypse novel set in America where secretly the rest of the world is totally fine and the Americans donāt know?
#bc likeā¦Hiccup is the biggest threat to the cause thus the Vikings are Top Priorityā¢ļø to the red rage#but also like the Romans were shown to be pretty fucking awful and low key worse then a lot of the Vikings towards dragons so weāre they#really just left alone the whole time??#also..the world big and that means many humans many dragons#Is it realistic to think Furious could both rally ALL dragons everywhere to this but also convince dragons who had suffered at the hands of#non Viking humans to go attack these strangers first rather then getting direct revenge??#so itās honestly possible that the Roman Empire dragons all had an uprising sparked by Furiousā movement and encouragement and just fucking#killed all the Romans or something#also like?? how are the northern wanderers doing during this bc theyāre like the chill humans canonically but I donāt think furious cares#im guessing theyāre all low priority#httyd books#httyd book spoilers#the dragon furious#I genuinely canāt remember if the Romans are brought up at all in the later books#shut up Flynn#not sw#these tags are a mess
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Being constantly surrounded by the presence of a loving God sounds great until you realize you never know when his freaky fuckin eyes are gonna show up to check on you.
And man. They do it a LOT.
#primus please let the mech breathe#what i want to emphasize most with this iteration of optimus is the inherent fucking terror of being made a prime#really pick at those little threads of how fucked the matrix as a concept is. same with the staple tropes of op himself#the idea in tfp that it can entirely change your personality. and that if you lose it you cannot remember your time with it#those implications send me spiraling. to what degree is optimus the same being as orion pax? do you forfeit your soul to be a demigod?#do you fucking die to become a conduit for the higher being that made you? letting it puppet your mind and body like a parasitoid?#if death in transformers is simply rejoining the allspark; if the soul is something splintered off from the whole;#and if to die as a cybertronian is for that fragment to merge with the whole once again. is a prime not fundamentally a dead mech walking?#a prime stands with one pede in the afterlife and one in the land of the living and has to keep up with both at once#constantly seeing visions from a plane his processor was never meant to comprehend with optics that were never built to see it#forced to adapt into an elevated being as much as a frame that still has silly things like wants and needs and emotions and base coding can#how does a mortal live when his body is no longer just his body; but a vessel fir something holy and a tool fashioned to heal the world?#when he can never truly be alone again and he has to simply live with the ever present knowledge that he is being watched#both by his god and by the world#how does one live knowing not even their thoughts are private? when your god may be living but man he does not get the idea of boundaries#guess it must be hard to grasp personal space and all that when youre an ocean of souls that left it behind#maccadam#transformers#wayward sparks#optimus prime#art tag#sometimes i feel kinda bad for putting this bastard through The Horrors. if ws gets made all the way he will be thrown so many bones#only sometimes tho >:3
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god i wish they hadn't retconned maul's death. i get wanting to explore more of his character because he was, objectively, one of the coolest star wars characters to ever hit the big screen and didn't get much screentime prior to his death, but also his role was fulfilled perfectly within those constraints so i wasn't too upset by it.
but by retconning it and making it so he never died it's like. okay. what now? the whole point (well, to me, ymmv of course) of the theed generator fight was that it was the first ever fight between the jedi and the sith in thousands of years, and that in the end even though the jedi (obi-wan) won the fight, a jedi (qui-gon) and a sith (maul) still died. a master and an apprentice dying together to herald the start of a new age/the return of the sith. perfectly paralleling the way in rotj a master (palps) and an apprentice (anakin/vader) died together to herald the return of the jedi. in both instances, a father figure (qui-gon/vader) dies in the arms of their son (obi-wan/luke) as a sith (palps/maul) is cast down into the abyss to their deaths. (palps being alive in the ST and retconning his death in rotj is also annoying for this reason)
i mean i like maul. don't get me wrong. he's an incredibly compelling character and i enjoy seeing more of him... but there's always the thought hovering in my mind like "he should be dead though. he should 100% be dead. this wouldn't be happening if he was dead, but i honestly would rather it not if it meant that maul was dead."
like the tpm fight just doesn't hit the same knowing that canonically he's just. going to become a robot octopus at some point. (shoutout to palps becoming sith glados in the ST) it cheapens the moment for me. it was supposed to be a moment of triumph marred by the deep and soul-crushing loss of a loved one and it's just... not, anymore. or at least not to the same extent. AUGH i'm just. frustrated. wish star wars as a whole wasn't constantly reframing/retconning what's been established. just puts a bad taste in my mouth.
#personal#star wars is HUGE#there's a GALAXY'S worth of stories to be told#and we're always for whatever reason focusing on this ONE PARTICULAR TIME PERIOD#it's suffocating#this is partly why i'm so excited to see the acolyte#it's a break from the skywalker saga#i love the skywalkers. i love the skywalker saga.#but that's also why i want them to STOP ADDING TO THEIR STORY#sometimes a story has a beginning middle and an end and that's okay!#that's fantastic!#we don't need to see between the lines! or behind the scenes! what if we just LEFT IT ALONE#AUGH#anyways. i don't know. i'm just frustrated with the state of star wars as a whole#it feels so claustrophobic right now. just because the space is there and undefined doesn't mean it needs to be filled#this constant push to canonize the years leading up to an event with content is so frustrating#negative space in an image isn't a bad thing it just helps guide the eye to what's most important#otherwise it gets too cluttered. too noisy. too DISTRACTING.#this was supposed to be about maul being alive but it's really about my ongoing grievances with how star wars is cannibalizing the movies#i'm tired of it........ tired i tell you#anyways that's all. real old man yells at cloud moment rn lmao
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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crick is a few years older than isaiah... what if he had very faint i was a little boy memories of isaiahs mom before she died oxo
#thinking sooo hard about it#really a blind leading the blind moment#they get along well honestly. crick enables isaiahs sadboy side where he just wants to mope about bad stuff in his life#and isaiah enables crick to actually get it out of his system because hes very active (destructive) about negative expression#isaiah isnt a crier hes a breaker. crick is a sogggggggggy drinker who just cries all day abt it#so theyre very cathartic left to their own devices#i think crick being like thank god my mom drove my dad off. hed probably be like your dad if he was still around#and isaiah goes i wish my mom was around to do that... and getting soggy about not having ever gotten to know her#so crick dredges up the faintst foggiest memories of knowing her before she died and isaiahs RAPT just RAPT#and it makes crick cry bc hes SUCH a mamas boy the idea of losting cathy like that makes him blubber#so they just blubber about it together#thats their whole dynamic LOL#its why they only ever let themselves be alone 1ce and they went on a wholeass sadboy road trip about it#then did NOT stay in touch after#bc its not. a very healthy friendship all things considered#its really great when hunter first leaves tho bc crick is the ONLY person who gets it. what isaiahs feeling#bc he and hunter werent together but he LOOOOVED him and crick had the same thing happen w d.alex when he left for college#and never ever came back. ever. he left for good the moment he got a foot out#ofc that comes around to isaiah and hunter absolutely end up together and crick and d.alex Do Not. dave never felt that way abt him so#but its for the best#cricks husband is VERY good for him. gideon is no nonsense and doesnt have time for moping#he whips crick into shape as his lil househusband instead LOL
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you know i do wonder how many sonic characters actually have living parents. like knuckles is the last of his kind so obviously his parents arent around anymore. both guys who could be considered shadows dads are 100 percent confirmed dead. sonic is canonically an orphan im pretty sure. and on the other side of the coin cream is like the only character in the game cast who has a living parent we actually see onscreen. but what about everyone else i dont think theres a straight answer for any other character. other than rouge's mom being mentioned a couple times i Guess but we dont even know anything about her or if shes still alive just that she existed at some point. are these kids constantly putting themselves in danger because they dont have parents around to stop them or because their parents just dont care
#like what about tails. im guessing he didnt have any sort of family he was attached to if he left to be with sonic so quickly#but that doesnt really mean he didnt have parents at all. maybe he had parents and they just sucked i dont know#what about amy. what if she had parents this whole time we just never see them.#what about blaze. considering shes a princess id assume she was born into that role#but i dont know if her parents are ever actually mentioned#maybe theyre dead and there was no one else to take on their role and thats why blaze has so much responsibility at such a young age?#silver . he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone i cant really imagine him hvaing parents sorry#considering charmy is 6 and living with vector. an adult whos obviously not his biological dad.#i feel like something probably happened to charmys parents#espio i dont really question as much#becuase it feels very common in the sonic universe for teenagers to have more freedom than would be expected in real life#or maybe its not that common and the teenagers we're actually following are just living the most fucked up lives ever. i dotn know#but either way. espio where are your parents buddy. are they still alive. vector where are YOUR parents are they still alive#i dont know if i actually want canon explanations for all this though#because its kinda fun not knowing every detail about every characters life and being able to speculate and insert your headcanons n stuff#to be clear im talking about game canon#i know stuff like archie sonic and the sonic movies and the 90s cartoons will sometimes give characters new family members#or talk about their family situation even if the games dont say anything about that sort of thing
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Thank god Sasha was confirmed bisexual, otherwise people would hc her as lesbian solely and exclusively because she's kind of a bitch.
#like it's a stereotype at this point. happy bubbly character HC'd as bi or pan. weird almost alien-esque character HC'd as ace/aro/aroace#skinny depressed sadboi man HC'd as gay. physically stronger taller and more extroverted and confident man HC'd as bisexual#and of course. mean bitch HC'd as a lesbian#i really don't get the ''nice fun and bubbly = bisexual'' stereotype at all#like what does it meannnnn#is it meant to represent how they're more ''open'' to ''more people''??#and lesbians being mean represents ?? idk that they're more ''closed''?#also see how the fanon male gay characters are usually like sad delicate flowers that must be protected and fanon lesbians are#just more ''rough'' somewhat. or at least closed off and cold or distant somehow#''frigid'' is the word that comes to my mind (yikes)#btw I LOVE that Anne and Marcy are characterized as lesbians a lot of the time in this fandom#since they're definitely much more ''soft'' and like cutesy and sweet than big mean Sasha#i love lesbian Anne (extroverted. confident. likes playing matchmaker. super super social. local jock. quite girly when she has the chance)#and I love lesbian Marcy (soft adorable bubbly girl. surprisingly extroverted. VERY hyper. vv energetic. adorable n precious cinnamon roll)#i kinda like the idea of aroace Marcy as someone who clings to her friends so desperately because she sees them drifting away from her#and priorizing other types of relationships (romantic bonds) while she's left alone because THEY were her everything#and she gave her whole heart to them#but they never gave their hearts to her because they were waiting for someone else to give them to. a romantic partner.#something marcy could never be#but I also feel like sometimes the ''weird girl'' thing might give off alien vibes somehow (?) like she just clearly doesn't belong in this#in this world she doesn't belong to this species she doesn't experience what most humans experience#i have mixed feelings on aroace marcy but tbh i don't care enough to like. complain about people who see her that way lol#though I admit I prefer lesbian Marcy a lot more#my posts#btw one hc i really do adore is trans girl Anne. idk if it's ''too stereotypical'' in relation to her like about who she sees in the mirror#i find it so soft and sweet. how she learns to love herself. how she forms a sense of self. trans girl anne my absolute precious#amphibia
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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film bro's choosing the most deadly (or morally grey or whatever it is) sigma character of 2023 to base their personality on
meanwhile me knowing none of them have got anything on this silly little eldritch horror yet to come
#he created a nuclear bomb without fully realizing the consequences? well just wait till you hear what this guy did#60th anniversary specials haven't been released yet#but you know this is true#i was inspired by a bunch of killer related posts#which was moslty ppl arguing which fictional character is smarter/had a higher kill count or whatever (i don't really know how it works)#i don't really understand the whole sigma male thing#but nobody can beat 2000 year old alien being with a god complex who comitted genocide and goes mad every time they're left alone#he just wanted to work in a little shop GODDAMIT#also the sigma male thing is so hypermasculine and the doctor being the antithesis of this (by literally being genderfluid) is hilarious#the killer#oppenheimer#doctor who#the doctor#david tennant#cillian murphy#michael fassbender
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#T's āwhat did u call me? do u think whatever that is is hot? okay then goodā#i love the tour pic above K!#and i love how they r still plucked abt not being in Dune2#K the avid winker...#its so cute how T is featured on this album of K's tooššš#T wants to be left alone (on the phone) on her bday and K wants attention... well... ((once again relating to K))#T looked at Ks belly in a suprisingly like? soft way? idk i might have hallucinated that but who knows.#fuck whoever didnt visit K when she would have wanted them to.#its sweet how T visited her! (srsly cant u just communicate who wants what in this situation so its no suprise? ik its hard for them butš)#T describing Ks party attending habits!!! they know each other soooo wellš¤#aaagh how they have to act like they cant easily spend 2 hrs together having fun when they literally cant wipe the smiles off of their faces#(lesbians..... lovesick idiots.......)#oh they r always facetiming! so adorable :(#T was so excited that they r linked! like girl u do not need more confirmation for that research do u?š#K watching the pod...... my heart......#why dont they just sit closer if they will reach across a whole fucking room to touch eachother?? like it sounds easier for me but u do u!#i really get a kick out of K mentioning TRHPS anytime she does it bc ik it was such a big thing in Ts life and ughš#constantly praising each otherššššš what if i start sobbing huh#well maybe T is trying to get K to learn how to flirt so that she can practice on her? just an idea?š#K putting her leg up on T?????? hi what? jist sit in the other's lap u creatures... its okay we can all look away for a sec if u need it...#their art! i fucking love it! both of it! its art at its finestš and id kill to see a collection of their drawings bc cmon they r amazing!#its cute how they r talking abt smth and then they go āoh wait we were there together!ā#its almost as if they actually spend time hanging outš± (dont let the police know!!4!4)#āif we were on DR now-ā okay but why r u still dreaming of that miss T?š¤š¤š¤ (who could blame her)#them watching the movies the other one recommends is the closest we can get to them watching an actual thing together (outside of NF)#also im so happy T spent time w K on her bday :(((#trixie mattel#katya zamo#tbatb#the brians
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force šā¤ļø
Canāt believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still canāt believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because Iāve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (Iām sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear itās speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i havenāt#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah thatās how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao š)#Iāve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff itās so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I donāt go there and probably never will š#I personally donāt enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesnāt negatively affect anyone#but yeah Iād much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like Iām not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what Iāve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#Iāve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you donāt love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you donāt deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* itās a package deal you canāt just pick and choose and personally I donāt even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone whoās passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters š¤·š»āāļø#I think Iāve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (canāt believe Iāve yapped so much I canāt put more tags š)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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once again, the great question of "if i do this thing i will be upset but if i dont do this thing i will still also be upset"
#god i just wish everyone left me alone foreverrrrrr!!!!!!! (but at the same time being lonely sucks. but does it really)#i am losing myself to my own false interpretations of me!!#yay how fun guy super alright over here i am doing so great#just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year just this year#just this one more time and ill be fine after i promise#i keep having nightmares when sleeping#god the mood swings have never been this bad before#realistically i REALLY should ask for help and go to an actual therapist instead of dealing with this alone -#- but it has been working out so well so far!! (<- total bs)#im the kind of person that never takes action unless the whole thing is minutes away from crashing down#mdiaryposting#i dont think im that great of a person after all#sigh im going to sleep. and skipping tomorrow. and once again turning out to be a giant hypocrite#i should delete this later i think
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Those were the big things, but I--OH MY GOD WAIT! Also, the way The Last Wish very plainly but not obnoxiously talked about toxic masculinity and how itās good and okay to be vulnerable with other people and ask for help and be scared. Like! Oh My God!
#puss in boots#the last wish#puss in boots: the last wish#puss in boots spoilers#ngl it also... stung a little personally bc the obvious thing the whole time was like 'tell your friends that death is trying to kill you!'#and puss was having a panic attack and shit and it reminded me so much of me with my trauma and seeing my abuser everywhere#except that for me when i told my friends they didnt give a shit and left me alone with my abuser and told me that its a 'you problem'#it didnt really make me mad at the movie though it just made me pissed at my (ex)friends#its so frustrating that at a time when i needed support from the people around me those people sucked#anyway i also liked that it showed how perspective can... how for puss he was just running from death and fear#but to his friends it looked like he was running away from them#i felt that it both acknowledged that how his friends felt was valid and reasonable and also that his reaction was valid and reasonable#and that giving people second chances is good and healthy and you shouldnt cut them off after one mistake#idk i just felt this movie had a ton of nuance and talked about big emotions in a very good and productive way
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they look half dead ā¹ļø
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#matt sharp#i rlly like riversā hair in this one! itās epicness#i liked his hair in the 90s with his bowl cut.#bowl cuts are cool#and he looked great w it !#anyways yesterday was my boyfriendās birthday party; and i got him some chaos emeralds from sonic that heās been wanting like ; forever!#it was fun for the most part; but nobody told me we would be swimming plus i was the only girl there sooo i was just sitting around while#everybody swam and stuff. and my friend hayden i guess felt bad so he stayed out of the pool despite having swimwear and just played mobile#games with me; which was fun and i really appreciated but this guy ; who will remain nameless was being rlly mean to me at the party#like he was saying stuff abt how my boyfriend didnāt really like me THAT much (we have been together for nearly a yearā¦)#and other things like that; which made me rlly sad and i kept asking my mom to pick me up but she wasnāt answering so i couldnāt do anything#besides trying not to cry and stuff. but itās okay#and after everybody went inside besides me and my boyfriend ; we were cleaning up the table since the guys left all their trash and i had#like a whole pile of trash; like tons of plates and a whole stack of trash still; the guy from earlier who was mean just like#put his trash on top of the trash i was already carrying inside#since the guys were all crowded around the trash cans (he was closest; but he couldnāt throw it away; rather he wanted to deliberately just#put it on the pile i was carrying ) and it wouldnāt be a big deal if he wasnāt mean earlier; i wouldnāt have cared so much#but he was being real mean and just did that. and iām a passive person ; but i rolled my eyes a ton at it and idk it felt like the#other guys were laughing; which made me feel even more awful about the fact but yeah so i rolled my eyes tons and he told my bf that he was#sorry about it; but didnāt say it to me and stuff and idk it just made me feel bad#when i was younger i got bullied a lot and people would throw their trash on my lunch tray n it just reminded me of that and made me sad;#but itās okay now! other than that i had a good time and it was fun! my boyfriend said he loved my gift to him so ya! :D it was fun other#than the stuff with the guy! but yeah. not rlly weezer related tags today; just really wanted to get that off my chest#my boyfriends mom asked if i felt left out; which i definetly did and really wanted to go home but ik i couldnāt so i was just sitting at a#table alone for abt 20 mins while everybody was changingninitially#but itās okay! ty for listening to my rant i love u all
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2 days to graduation. i canāt help but feel as though iāve been pretty significantly missing out on something i didnāt know that i wanted until now
#got together at a friends house to watch the real madrid game today and its the only occasion in which ive spent like concerted time outsid#of a school thing while sober with a bunch of straight guys my age. and it was nice. and all of the people there were at the party i was at#last night too and anyway i cant help but wish that one i had had male friends leading up to this point but i also wish something couldve#ever happened to me romantically. bc the guy whose house i went over to is the one who i have a crush on and hes currently involved with#this other girl. and so nothings gonna happen and i probably wont see him over the summer bc weāre not friends like that and hes going to#college on the other side of the state. and anyway theres all these things and people who i know im gonna miss in college but theres a lot#more who im gonna miss what they represent. social connections. parties#a sense of not being left out or alone because really its not that ive felt left out this whole time. ive had a relatively good high school#experience. but im being introduced to all these things all this social world just as its ending. i wish i had known i wish life didnt work#like this. and dear god i wish i couldve kissed someone last night#txt#š
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god it's all so very shitty and there's nothing i can do about it.
#my dad still in the hospital and i think he's a bit better a bit less manic but who knows#he feels like a stranger again and i don't knoe how to talk to him (again)#and it would feel better if i knew that at least while he's in the hospital he's getting the proper care but no#i've been to visit him two times in my whole life and the conditions are absolutely horrible#a moldy run dowm building with prison like bars bars on the windows and staff that isn't payed and supported enough to care#they just drug people#but then it's not really safe for him to be with my sister and mom while he's manic cause he gets violent and can't hear no#and will steal from my moms wallet for cigarettes CAUSE HE'S MANIC AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE IN MANIA DO#so why doesn't he deserve to be in a safe warm and kind place where other patients don't steal his clothes#all these people deserve better#and when he eventually gets ''better'' then what he can't work he can't support himself but i feel my mother is done#i can't blame her either for not wanting to be married to him anymore cause it's frankly none of my business#and because it's something she probably wanted to do for a really long time but she doesn't want him to be left alone#sure he can go live with his brother and his family but i can only imagine the hate and anger they would show to my mom if she makes#that sort of decision#but i also want my dad to be his own person to be confident and strong#is that never going to happen?#i really fucking hate all of this
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