#really good work and cant wait to see more!
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build episode 37 thoughts:
- the suit actor for evol rabbit has a really nice ass
- the evol trigger doesn’t work even when he’s in sento’s body. i think it would be really funny if the reason why it fails is because he does not have love in his heart (ryusen love each other clearly that’s why the evol trigger works for them 😂)
- “sloppily possessing a human body is probably why i still can’t use the pandora box” no you’re just ugly
- I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. MY BABY
- HE CAN'T HENSHIN??!!?!?!?!?!?! IT'S SO FUCKING OVER YOU GUYS
- to be honest i thought the opening was kinda underwhelming when i first watched build but rn i'm in the middle of watching it and felt myself become teary-eyed what the fuck what the fuckkk
- 'my dna in you has been stripped away' oh okay so it's not selfcest then
- are we fucking serious
- my alien wife who is not an alien now so i cant even claim to be a monsterfucker anymore
- k-kazusen..(i get taken out the back and shot) (i really don't ship it as i am a senryu truther. but i would understand if this brought someone in a very deep rabbit hole..)
- my crackship (vernage and evolt)
- i wonder if evolt's personality changes slightly depending on who is his host (eg. becoming more curious about how humans work when he's with sento, aggressively attacking the country while he was with banjo, loving the 'game' and being playful while he was with soichi)
- in my head evolt isn't really a person in the conventional sense, but a culmination of impulses, the aggregation of desire and instinct. just like how the pandora box aroused the hidden ambitions and ruthlessness of everyone exposed to it, evolt for me at the moment is the personification of all these stray impulses, who does technically have its own thoughts but mostly goes along with the stupid selfish desires of those around it
- banjo asking gentoku to make him a rider as if gentoku wasn’t chilling by the sofa as the guys with actual illegal experiment knowledge aren’t the ones gassing the smashes up
- “i can’t do that for you. i don’t know a thing about science” i started tearing up giggling 😭😭 YEAH LIKE I SAIDDD
- “i got the job…” …BECAUSE OF NEPOTISM!??? IS HE GONNA ADMIT TO BEING A NEPO HIRE 😭
- 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
- this heated drama between men..
- “but i ended your girlfriend’s life” yeah damn his guilt runs deep because even EYE forgot about that
- nothing is funnier to me atm than kazumin and banjo setting their grudges aside to ask gentoku for help and he just. “I KILLED YOUR FRIENDS DO YOU REMEMBER‼️”
- gentoku: i killed your girlfriend
banjo: exactly.
gentoku: so why are you asking me
banjo: because of that, i didn’t want to lose anyone i cared about
second kasumi-sento parallel oh wow oh mann
- BANJO’S VOICE CRACKED OHHHHH EIJI AKASO YOU’RE DOING TOO MUCH YOUR CHARACTER SO TRAGIC YOUR SETTING TOO QUEER
- SENTO’S PHONE CALLING ENOUGHHHHHH
- i had to pause for a moment and stare outside because i had tears in my eyes when evolt said “even if you won’t see sento again?” GUYS PLEASE THIS BIG BAD VILLAIN OF THE SEASON IS A ONE-TRICK PONY ASS CLOWN AND YALL FALL FOR IT EVERY SINGLE TIME 😭😭
- evolt isn’t a mastermind he’s just a guy who discovered that if you threaten sento or banjo the other guy will for SURE do what you want . he just stumbled upon this bullshit cheat code and started using it every single goddamn time
- inukai looks really good acting like a villain asshole
- “i can erase his personality whenever i feel like it” ok now i’m not laughing
- kazusen..
- KAZUSEN… why are they getting moments all of a sudden.. stop it..
- jagaimo 😭😭😭😭😭😭 okay 🥔
- WAIT HE’S RIGHT…TOUTO HOKUTO SEITO RIDERS..TEAM UP..
- “but i can help build for a better one” HAHA
- MY WIFE😭😭😭
- AI WA MAKENAI 😭😭😭😭😭
- MAGMA WASN’T HIS FINAL FORM!?!?!!😭😭
- “we’ll create a future using the power you gave me” Ok
- i started tearing up cackling again what the actual FUCK banjo ryuga 😂🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
- HE’S BACK. ah. evolt!sento lasting for exactly two episodes…
- black hole… SHINDA HENSUU DE KURIKAESU. KAZOE KOTO GA HARANDA NETSU
- SENRYU REUNITING..! ALSO THE WAY BANJO CALLED OUT SENTO’S NAME…AUUUUUU
- “… you are—“ oh SHIT IS THIS KATSURAGI
- WE’RE HIT WITH A GODDAMN AMNESIA PLOT??!!!!!! FUCK OFF 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
- i hate it here
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GGGGGAAHHHH I SAW THIS BUT I HAD TO WORK
NOW IM HERE AND IM GOING INSANE
Anyways-
MAD TOOK CARE OF HIS WOUNDS. MAD TOOK CARE OF HIS WOUNDS. SOMEONE HOLD ME FOWN IM GOING FERAL (did I mention I love brother dynamics in media?/J)
Always been fascinated with the Bystander Effect myself. It’s bittersweet that no one really does anything when one bad things happens until ONE person steps up to intervene. My theater friends has a running joke about it, as when we see one of us jokingly getting scolded by tech crew, we would run in and shout: “I will NOT be a bystander!!” Good times.
Ugh, Casey doesn’t even believe that someone like mad, a psychopathic child murderer, would actually tend to the bullets wounds and keep him alive if not wanting something from him. Mad just wants to have his baby brother back (he still believes that he can have a relationship with Casey as if the things he did doesn’t matter)
FNAF LORE MENTIONED!! Actually insane that the goofy puppet hand animatronics are possessed by the ghosts of children, the FNAF:TM lore is just as crazy as the game version cuz it’s doing too much 😭
OOOO POCKET WATCH COMIC MOMENT MENTIONED TOO!! Also, I can’t wait to put more dept into them as kids and their relationship with Father Time (the man under the clock for those wondering) and yes, he will be based on a YouTuber >:)
Ugh, love the way you described Mad’s robot hands, gives me chills legit. I also feel that despite the hatred, the small inner child of Casey who adored Mad is the reason he asked about his hands.
Now THIS is why he’s a detective/private investigator, he knows so much from just the evidence he gains and caught Mad off guard, that’s my man! (Proud creator moment)
Get him Casey, rip on him and his flaws and insecurities! Tear down his pride and make him feel insignificant against all those other criminals!! >:)
GOD the way Mad’s anger issues is written I was scared for my boy Casey 😔 I like the thought of him storming out to try and calm down to not and accidentally hurt him reminds me whenever I annoy my brother too much he’ll proceed to walk away into his room in order to not drop kick me.
Poor Azalea, having to be the one able to fit through the doggy door, but I guess that’s an upside to being the shortest ig. Cal will definitely make fun of her in the future lmao.
Casey is completely done with these people lol, my man just revealed himself from the shadows and only then actually gave those two a scare. Bro does NOT want to deal with Mad, nevertheless the Pentas members.
He doesn’t even believe that they willingly went out of their way to rescue him 😭 he needs to know there’s people who care about him (even if in a weird way of caring)
Poor guy, he’s having a ptsd moment. Would give him a big old hug if I wasn’t scared to go near him. (Also logically you don’t hug someone who is in a mental state while experiencing ptsd anyways-)
Mad stalking around looking Casey while he trying to coax him into coming out is giving when your siblings hits you too hard and they’re trying to make you not cry to your parents 🥲 that was me on both ends fr
Since Ethan is 5’8, I give his props for carrying Casey’s 6’3 ass away while Azalea helps her brother.
GIRLBOSS MOMENT FROM AZALEA YOU GO GIRL!! INJECT VENOM INTO HIS BLOOD STREAM AND MAKE HIM WRITHE IN AGONY!!
It’s giving that one blooper moment FNAF:TM where Matt accidentally threw the chair into the wall so hard it got stuck and they just stood there like 🧍🧍
Audibly chuckled on the Tuna melt comment, never fail to make me laugh Caliban.
RRAHHHG I CANT WAIT FOR MORE!! Waiting for more Phoenix lol. Bet Scout is excited to see Casey again, cuz I am excited to see more snippets!
You changed,
You haven’t
A follow up to our lovely collab with @wouldntyou-liketoknow, this is more of a flashback to kinda get into the relationship between Casey and Mad through Mad’s eyes. It may never erase what he’s done, but it may show a glimpse as to why he can’t seem to let Casey go.
Has always been, and always will be known as a monster, yet one soul decided to take a chance, to hold his hand and make him feel something more than just a monster. He was more in that person’s eyes, and he never wanted to let go of that feeling. The simple single touch of another who never views him as nothing more than a…
Shame he no longer can feel the touch.
@crazy-obsessed-enby @iswmperson @lexusinsannus @sammys-magical-au @wouldntyou-liketoknow @the-matpat-ever
He can only dream.
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idk if I've said it before, but your portrayals of both Rouxls and Queen are among my favorites, and the way they are when you combine the two is the sole thing that got me to say "yes" to queenkaard. When I first saw it in the game and it started catching on as a ship, I was like "nooo I hc him as gay," but then after seeing your stuff I was like "oh nvm I totally see this now."
i think hearing "i didn't see this ship before, but after your art i understand it and/or even ship it myself" is one of the nicest compliments i get, because it makes me feel like i'm representing something meaningful and sweet about a pairing and having people understand what i think is so great and captivating about them. i've gotten a couple asks like this and sometimes i forget to respond but i always really appreciate them :) thank you very much
#ask#deltarune#queenkaard#rouxls kaard#queen#art#doodles#conkreetmonkey#i mean its fine to draw ship art Just Cuz dgmw but i have Paragraphs of reasons why i like All my ships and it feels really good when i can#help people see the reasons why i think characters are cute together and why they'd work#i love feeling like im Doing something with my art. expressing something. explaining something. makes it feel meaningful#esp when i thought queenkaard was very Out There at first dhbsdjbhf i was like 'dude theres only gonna be me and 2 other people#who ship this'. and there was at first. now people dont think its a rarepair. i built this city goddammit. me and like 2 other people 😭#and im only half joking. i drew them so much because nobody else was. its still a rarepair to me. the fanart and fanfics are still#kind of sparse besides me tbh. but a LOT of people say 'i ship it because of cozy' and that makes me happy#there Are a couple fanfics on ao3 i havent gotten to yet only bc ive been tizzy about the gay car this year but i will read them eventually#anyway i still really love queenkaard i miss the blue people i cant wait to draw them more once the new chapters release aaaaaa#also since i mentioned i dont always respond to asks: i still read each and every single one of them#im sorry if anyone ever sends me something and i didnt post it. sometimes i go on ask-reply sprees and sometimes it just gets#answered months later dhbdsbjf. but please dont ever think i dont care about what you have to say i love hearing from you guys#and sometimes i just Forgor because adhd go brrt
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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COOKIES OF DARKNESS NATION WE ARE OFFICIALLY BACK 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
(long rambling in tags if u care)
#cookie run#licorice cookie#red velvet cookie#affogato cookie#I KNOW im late to this but i was at school ok 🙄 anyways i have a lot of thoughts#first off LICORICE UGH I MISSED HIM SO BAD IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM#his stats are so fascinating to me. i don't think anyone was expecting his strength to be that high#its pretty average but its still his best stat surprisingly#im shocked his strategy and puzzle solving are only 3. i think that's a strange decision to make them so low but I'm open to accepting it#maybe his avoidance/lack of ability to see the big picture contributes to the low scores?#his stats are so unexpected but I could get used to it. still i want an elaboration from devsis on these#i want them to show his strength in the show because i was expecting his strength to be like. 3 or 4#but anywho. i think its very funny how affo is 0 strength. i love how its canon licorice could easily kick his ass in a fist fight#i really do love affo and im SO happy to see him with the cod fucking finally all we got with him as a cod until now was ODYSSEY 😭#im so excited to see him work with the cod as an actual member. he's a very fun character for me#i cant wait for them to actually make him feel like one of the cookies of darkness its been over a year since he joined by now c'mon#im just so ecstatic that the cod are back. hopefully this is a good omen and will pave the way for more cod appearances soon#bcs u all know how i feel about the lack of cod for the better part of the past year. this better be their comeback i believe in them#😁😁😁😁😁😁 IM JUST SO HAPPY THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME IM SO HAPPY U HSVE NO IDEA I LITERALLY SCREAMED#btw ik crepe is there. but they're in a weird grey area of being a cod so i didn't post them BUT IM VERY HAPPY THEY'RE THERE TOO ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#♦️charlie's miscellaneous
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Just watched S09E11 of CSI, 'The Grave Shift', after last night's 'One to Go'. I don't think I'll ever recover from Grissom, my favorite character, leaving the show, but his exit was still beautiful and so, so Grissom. Him just telling the team "Yeah so, I'm leaving" and having little moments with each of them, warmed my heart (the character that represented me the most was David, who had to bolt out of the room after Grissom said, "I'll miss you, though", barely managing to hold back the tears before leaving).
And oh my god. His reunion with Sara. They didn't even need words and it was absolutely perfect. Watching Grissom feel physical pain from his break up with Sara broke my heart -- you can see how much he loves her. I hate that they'll break up again; I don't remember how or why exactly, but it feels unnecessary, but I'm comforted by the fact that, ultimately, they'll end up together for the rest of their lives.
One of the things I love about this episode is how they all paid a little homage to Grissom and, near the end, Nick, who was offered Grissom's office, invited Greg and Riley to share it with him. Fits right in with Nick's sweet personality. I love how he says they need all the good energy from that place. He's really Grissom's n#1 pupil ♡
(Shout out to Hodges, one of my favorite characters from this rewatch, walking in and bringing the pig fetus saying it belongs there. I love how bitter he is after Grissom left and how he's not willing to get over it any time soon. Forget David, Hodges is the character that represented me the most, lol).
I need to say, my brain completely ignored the fact that, when Grissom offered Ray Langston a job as a CSI he said that it was an "entry-level job". Instead, I thought he'd get the job as the team leader and it was weird for me to see him being so inexperienced at a job. But all of that is because, one, I haven't rewatched CSI in ten years and forgot about like, 97% of the show and two, I have rewatched Hannibal way too many times and got used to Laurence Fishburne playing a boss, and a damn good one. I do like his character, though!
I'm not a fan of Riley though. I don't know why, she seems mostly competent at her job, fit right in, but at the same time it's not really like she fit in? I felt like maybe she could have had some adaptation into the team, after all she was replacing a long-time team member, Warrick (will talk about him later). Her introduction and adaptation into the team felt a bit sudden and "inorganic" and maybe that's why I don't love her sassy remarks and sort of 'cool girl' personality. Yeah I love Sara but I don't love Riley for the reasons listed above. That could change, though!
Warrick. Oh, man. For Gedda/For Warrick were the most painful episodes to watch and I stalled for months. Some of the team got to have a nice last moment with him, others didn't. It broke my heart how at peace he was in his last hours, hanging out with the work fam, feeling relieved for not losing his job, which was a huge part of his life. I do hate that it had to end like that for him. I get that his death represented the loss of innocence, and that that team wasn't going to last forever... but it's just really painful. To know that he didn't have anyone else, only his soon, which we don't know if he was able to see often...
Too many things happening at once, too many changes, and bumpy ones, but I hope we'll get into a smooth road once again.
#csi#as for my last paragraph: i know it doesn't really lol#warrick's death just didn't feel right for me you know. the whole treatment of warrick just made me feel uncomfortable#in other simple words he deserved better. yes he was a flawed character. but i wouldve liked to see him happy okay#i really didnt want grissom to leave like I KNOOOW he comes back but he's my comfort character#he's literally a teddy bear have you seen him. the beard. the grandpa outfits. his calming voice. his adorable fascination with insects#william petersen is in his 70s now which is good because i can ask him to adopt me as his grandchild#scratch that bad idea i have a crush on grissom it wouldnt work#btw i didnt mention it in the text but they got LAURENCE FISHBURNE. THE laurence fishburne. i'm excited to see more of his character#i don't see much of riley on tumblr is my dislike for her actually a popular opinion? i mean if im not wrong she'll remain for#about two more seasons#that's a whole regular character people cant have forgotten about her#wait i just looked her up on the wiki#if she's not a well-liked character or even liked.... i get why#lmao#team catherine is all i'm going to say#i guess that's it for now
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Mattmac's acting in TD will never not be insane to me, bcs its probably the only acting that genuinely fully made me think, yeah he completely escaped into the role. It's not that there's not any other actors out there that I think are amazing, but it's still often hard for me for the most part to separate the actor and their roles, especially if I've seen a lot of their work. Meanwhile, even just looking at a still of Rust, it's so hard for me to perceive, oh wait that's not a real guy?? Rust isn't out there???
#if this makes sense lmao#idk its so odd bcs ive watched interstellar so many times more times and it literally came out the same year#yet it doesnt affect my perception at all as it often does w most other actors i like when i watch other works of theirs#aaghhhhh like im not saying mattmac is the BEST actor of all time and that everyone else is inferior#theres a lot of roles i can think of that were amazing and that i fully bought into#rather theres no other character i can think of where i genuinely get baffled when i remember theyre not real#if that makes sense?? like ill usually still look at a character and their actor is in the back of my mind#like saying wow their acting is so good in this!!#meanwhile w td im like ...wow rust is such a cool guy hes so fascinating. wait wdym mattmac played him#i feel deranged saying this cause idk if im getting my point sdkjhfs#ig part of it is the fact that td covers a good portion of his life so you see a lot of aspects of his character#but he just feels so REAL to me#as i said even looking at screencaps i cant think of him as mattmac. he IS rust. thats some guy!!!! that exists!!!#id say the acting in td is generally really amazing BUT#i realized since i last watched it some actor in it was in a comedy show i watched which completely influenced my perception of that actor#so when i saw his face w that new context i couldnt buy his character at all anymore bcs he was just that dude from the other show#meanwhile ive watched a lot of mattmacs stuff before and after yet ive never though of rust when seeing him in another role or vice versa#AAAHHHHHH MAN. sorry i just really love that show and i think rust will forever be some actual person to me. hes out there i swear#idk the picture thing is especially so odd bcs as i said interstellar is from the same year and he has a pretty similar look#yet im still like. no those are clearly two different people. and i think of mattmac when i watch interstellar but not td so ?????#thought let me be clear his acting in interstellar is also amazing and real to me.#just not in the way where he becomes a real indistinguishable person to me#anyways. cough cough. i have a problem.#catie.rambling.txt#true detective
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uwu rawr this is my lore if you even care <3
so theres this guy. ive known him for over a year and we got along really well from the moment we met. long story short i fell in love with him. and it happened on accident. we were friends and i catch feelings for him but never get confirmation if he did or didnt feel the same.
heres the long story lol. we were really good friends like we both lived on campus so we hung out everyday between work and classes. we texted and called every goddamn day. we always met up when we had time. i remember feeling the desperation in a text he sent quickly followed by a call insisting he had time after a meeting to hang out and have dinner together. we even started a club together JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT MORE AND IN NICER VENUES!!! we just wanted a club where we could play jackbox games and watch movies and shows together. im telling yall he was so ideal. ive never felt so safe with someone before. i even introduced him to the solar car club at our university so we could be on the media and marketing team together. god we were almost inseparable. and he acted different when it was just us vs us with other people. he was clearly very comfortable with me. he would even tease me! he loved getting a reaction out of me. and we would laugh until our sides were sore or we were dying on the floor. we were such good friends and at some point i caught feelings.
we did so much together in the span of almost 4 months. i was having trouble with school due to the death of my grandfather, loss of my job, and being placed in 3 classes i already took at my community college (i was a transfer student). i was expected to do more than i should and felt punished for not knowing all the right channels to go through to get shit done. i felt so tired of the bullshit i didnt think a degree would be worth it at that specific university. but i didnt want to leave my friend. i had a lot of friends but this one in particular was special. this was my newest best friend who i spend countless hours with. he knew i was making the choice to drop out after that semester. the signs were clear he was going to miss me. he hugged me like it was the last time he was gonna see me. he doesnt like hugging and i can remember that embrace like it happened yesterday. i did not want to leave him. i loved him. so what do i do? i give him a card saying thank you for the memories and go no contact on him for 8 fucking months. i got over the worst depression of my life because i missed him so fucking much AND i felt like a failure for wasting my time and money on a school that clearly didnt care for me. i was going to CAPS almost once a week even when i was a student.
anyway. i get over the depression. i pick myself back up. i make great friends through the smiling friends fandom. i meet someone who sounds and laughs like my friend. what are the fucking chances. i am encouraged by new friends to reach out to my uni friend. i take my time but i finally do it. i reconnect with other friends and they encourage me too to call the friend ive been missing the most. and…he doesnt pick up. i want to cry. i feel like a failure again. but i think “maybe he called back?” HE DID. AND I MISSED IT! ACK! so i call him back. he picks up. we say our hellos and how are yous. i apologize for the radio silence and say i thought he hated me. he says “no no no no no no i dont hate you dont even worry about it.” im in love again. and the gentleness of his tone? are you fucking kidding me? we talk for like an hour and then i finally let him go to finish packing before he moves back in. i see him the day he moves in and i meet his parents for the 2nd time. after that we start hanging out again but a little too often. we set up proper boundaries after i have a mental breakdown bc he is the only one of my friends from last year that actually missed me and wanted to see me again. he said he wanted to see me again.
the last time i saw him was september 8. i was escorted off campus on the 9th and the 11th due to depressive episodes during both incidents (undiagnosed and unmediated at the time). i was institutionalized from the 14th to the 19th. i still havent seen my friend. i am officially banned from campus and i miss my good friend everyday. i wrote poetry about him that i may never share. i love him. i always will. what sucks is so many things remind me of him. i feel sick when i get reminded of him because i cannot physically be near him and i just miss him that fucking much. i’m hopeless. but i do think i will see him again even if it is not soon. its killing me to wait to see him again. fuck my stupid baka life. god i miss that goober!
#yap tag#i prommy that i loved him only in a platonic sense until idk 2 1/2 or 3 months?#we saw each other every day so getting to know his lore was easy#we always had so much to talk about#and if we weren’t talking we were laughing for hours my god he was funny#he actually noticed i was acting different and very sweetly suggested i see my psychiatrist#ive been needing to get evaluated and turns out im bipolar#still waiting on adhd diagnosis tho but it can wait for now#he laughed more often after we reconnected this year#i miss this goober and still no contact from him even tho ive texted and called AND HE SAID I CAN WTF DUDE IM BANNED FROM UR SCHOOL#he still one of my fave adhd having friends#ive NEVER connected with someone so fast and we didn’t even need to trauma bond! our personalities just work really well together ig#he said i reminded him of some of his good friends from high school#i just want to see him again :[#it makes me so sadge i cant be with him rn
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I just finished chapter 3 and im still so fucking here for everything this game is doing. Im having so much fun
#Shitpost#even tho this case was a bit too easy for me lol#Also very excited by an antagonist saying what he sees as justice (as our protag is still developing)#ummm anyways. I cant fully endorse yet because like i have to finish it lol#im liking this game more than kodaka's other works (bar danganronpa 3 which is not a video game so its different)#But like. Danganronpa v3 shit the bed sooo hard in the end that like i need to actually fully finish lol#i like this so much i might buy figures tho if it doesnt shit the bed#Also i do find v3's choices to be INTERESTING but like theyre annoying when you liked the post apoc universe#And it really upset me when i played the first time and like i prolly wont replay#but like abstractly i see v3 'trying to be different' as somewhat commendable but i still dislike it#also the survivors were not good choices either#Anyways. I have hope for rain code and im LOVING it so far#characters much more real than danganronpa characters#i see dangan characters as devices and exaggerations#rain code is like. Closer to people lol#Anyways. Cant wait to determine if i like this more than danganronpa 3 or not#can this game defeat my love for munakata...
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NEW SEEYOUSPACECOWBOY SOOOOOO GOOD GO LISTEN NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
#evil neighing compilation#its more. metalcore-y one would suppose than their other material? always been pretty metalcore-y but this record especially#not at all a bad thing btw!!! even if i prefer their older stuff this is really good and i cant wait to see where they go with this in later#work and shit. was shocked seeing the kim dracula or whoever feature though
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柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第三十四回 「目覚め」
#柄本佑#tasuku emoto#光る君へ#hikaru kimi e#1x34#made by me#fujiwara no michinaga#藤原道長#this episode is so good???????????#the ensemble genji reading sequence#the rain#the adult michinaga dealing things as an adult#I mean I feel like b4 haruakira died he's still got the boyish thing most of the time#but him dealing with the whole Kofukuji thing really feels like a taiga protagonist doing his thing#he's more and more becoming the michinaga in the diary tbh#and omg the murazaki inspiration scene... :'0 I literally cried#haven't had that good of a time in heck of a long time#everybody's laughing#although kinto is missing#also can i SAY that minamoto no toshitaka my love#I cant help but drawn by his continuity in this show#he's never in the centre of any major plot#but the scene where he cried at Akiko-sama's son's dance#and now he's asking why genji is a 源氏...#the lost glory and pride of his family is his driving force#I'm so glad genji monogatari reminded him of something of his family#that's the beauty of a work of literature#cant wait to see what's going to happen on the way to the mitakemoude#and the blue kimono michinaga wore on the way is pretty#korechika I'm watching you. to see how stupid can you get
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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I can't sleep again
#it's all just too much#i need to be sending out emails and arranging stuff for a whole load of different things#but doing that fills me with such anxiety because i dont know how the fuck it works#but every moment I'm not doing those things it fills me with anxiety because i realise I'm standing still#and the only way forward it seems is through this#only it's not because the previous thing i was going was actually working and helping me forward but then my local gov said no actually#you're not allowed to do the thing anymore because we think so even tho we dont know what were talking about#so now you got the offer to look into this other thing that really just feels like the thing you already had but worse#so you have to contact the new thing and see what exactly they're about but already deep inside you know it probably wont work out#so it feels like you'll be doing that only so you can see it doesnt work in the hope that maybe if it doesnt work you can go back#to the gov people and show them the old thing was actually right. but that might not work and then you'll have to sue them#and all the while you spend your days just sitting at home doing nothing and slowly wasting away#getting a little bit worse every day. as you feel all the progress you made in the last year slowly slip through your fingers#and you start to think that maybe this is it. maybe it just doesn't get better. maybe this really is the best you can do and any more just#isn't in the cards for you. maybe you're just not cut out for this whole adult life business. you'll forever be...a failure#and that's just one thing. one thing of many you constantly need to worry about. it's not even adressing that your adhd treatment is still#kind of unclear who exactly is responsible. you've been running out of meds for a week and still haven't called because it's too much stress#or the way its been almost five years since you got on the waiting list at the gender clinic#three years of which were spent on the waiting list#but even now you've been “in treatment” for the past year and a half you still feel like you're no further. still no official “diagnosis”.#still no approval to change your birth certificate. your passport will run out by the end of the year and you'll have to get yet another#new one with your dead name on it. still no idea when you might finally get their approval to start on HRT. no idea when you might finally#get to stop feeling like every single day your body becomes a little less yours. where you look in the mirror and see someone stare back who#just simply looks wrong. feels wrong. you look at the hair on your head that really needs a haircut but you dont dare touch it because its#the one little thing that keeps the dysphoria at bay. and then you think of your dad and his bald head. and you look at your hairline and#cant help but wonder “is it receding a bit more right there?” always wondering if you'll lose this little bit of safety too#its all just too much. i dont know how much longer I can keep pushing myself forward at this rate. when all the good things get taken away#and I'm left having to deal with all of it on my own. i dont want to be alone but i dont know how to reach out to those around me. not even#to my friends sometimes. i know they're out there and i know they care but at the same time i dont know how to#let them. so I'm left alone and it's all my fault? isn't it. i know not all of this is my fault but also all of it is and i just
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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just remembered that musicals are the best form of art to ever exist ever (<- watched new starkid musical)
#ok rant!!!#i looooooooved loved loved loved npmd it was so fun#its not quite as good as twisted or tgwdlm but it was so campy and fun and funny!!! i missed that#black friday was kind of a huge miss for me i guess they tried to take a more serious and dramatic approach witch respect ofc BUT#i think they thrive most with that sort of campy foolishness as their usul works with the sprinkle of incredebly dramatic and tragic moment#and they work even better because the rest of the musicals are so silly and goofy so these moments hit you right through the heart#like twisted and twdlm#also i just missed them being funny. thats all#also loved the new addition the guy who played max was soooour good#and the girl who played shapiro i hope she'll get bigger roles in future roles her voice is beautifil#ALSOOO#Mariyah playing the main character finallyyyyy#i wanted her to be in the main role since tgwdlm and she killed it!!!#joey lauren and jon too#love them#anyway. it was really good. cant wait to see their next work#FORGOT TO ADD some songs are absolutely insane literall monster is a certified banger
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