#ready for new beginnings
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holy fuck....after 8 years in this (now) hell hole. I've just signed a new contract after getting contacted on Monday.
Yesterday was VERY stressful for me.
Imagine trying to negotiate with a new company while trying to not freak the fuck out about all the Danny news. BUT we survived!
#I wasn't headhunted I was sniped#ready for new beginnings#and more money#def more money#holy mac and cheese balls
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ONE PIECE FILM: Z (2012)
#love when luffy is pissed. when he goes a bit feral. when someone gets under his skin#one piece#one piece film z#one piece z#one piece movie z#monkey d. luffy#monkey d luffy#luffy#luffy one piece#roronoa zoro#sanji#usopp#nico robin#nami#straw hat crew#long post#mine#gif:one piece#gif:op anime#onepieceedit#opgraphics#opedit#soul king brook#the beginning of this scene looks like some sort of boy band posing asksjsjd all their new black and leather outfits. sulking around lol#also luffy listening to zoro (and knowing they need that info anyway) :)#zolu#luzo#zolusan#monster trio#they were so ready to deal with them together but hah. luffy was faster
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I missed you so much. Words can't even say it right. You don't have to. I know.
#rick grimes#michonne grimes#the ones who live#richonne#rj grimes#judith grimes#my edit#ricksmarlene#mine#i am still in denial that there will be no new episode today#i followed rick since the beginning#i am not ready to say goodbye#nooooooooooooo#this quote reminds me of the parallel i'm okay i know#crying into the void
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do you remember exactly where you were when basically im gay dropped? are there other d&p videos/content that you’ve had that experience with? am reminiscing and curious
#I was living in New York and I had to go soon so I had my phone propped up on the shelf in the closet so I could watch while getting ready#(kind of hilarious that my phone was literally in the closet while I watched him come outta the closet!)#but then I was crying and grinning#and I just remember feeling so unfathomably proud#and becoming a mess and I just couldn’t even remotely begin to process it all#and then I had to go to work and just be normal and not say a word and I just wanted to SCREAM don’t you know don’t you all know#you need to know!!!!!!!#and then I passed timothee chalamet on the street we nodded politely at each other that’s literally not remotely a lie#real rush of a day that was#I clocked him from like 3 blocks away bc yes I was gagging for him at the time and yes cmbyn changed my brain chemistry fuck you#I think I privated all my charmie bookmarks after the cannibalism stuff dropped lol but maybe not too lazy to check#ANYWAY.#dan and phil#phan#dan’s finest work one of the best videos on the platform period really such a beautiful perfect brave piece i love and appreciate him so.
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AAAAAAAA OMG only 193 eggs for this one!!
#I haven’t done Masuda in a WHILE bc I don’t like the hassle of hatching#But in this case I couldn’t really avoid it :’D#BUT YEAH I’m doing a shiny charm run (basically I have the entire living dex completed which I’ll use home to put into a brand new game#of Scarlet so I’ll have the shiny charm at the beginning of the game. Gonna do an all shinies run)#And I needed a shiny starter so of COURSE I picked Fuecoco#It was so under odds…I was strapped in and ready for the long haul on this one#Look at my baby 🤧#Pokemon#Shima speaks#Video#Pokemon SV#Pokemon Scarlet and Violet#Fuecoco#Shiny Fuecoco
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So. About to go into surgery, that directly affects my mobility, so no physical way for me to draw. Legit no idea when Ill be back to drawing, could be two weeks, could be a month and a half, it all depends on the outcome and rehabilitation. DO NOT WORRY, I will be fine, this is a long time coming surgery, and it all will turn out fine.
Ill still be around in tumblr, checking my notifications and such, just not able to draw (which is gong to drive me insane, I just know it lmao).
Anyways, Ill be back soon-ish. Cheers! <3<3<3<3
#sadly the surgery is complicated and with a high number of recorded deaths#and im already entering the surgery with some complications#so in case i dont come back I love yall thank you so much for enjoying my silly doodles#it truly meant the world to me#i love each and one of you with my whole heart#asfsjh god#I'll leave instructions for my sibiling to make a post if i kick it‚ so I dont leave you with the uncertainty of what happened#and no‚ im not scared of kicking it#im oddly#calm#about everything#but i wont die#im too perseverant for that#like‚hell‚ i technically already died once‚ and i came back#albeit a wee bit physically fucked up#but i didnt die then! so i wont now#i refuse to#death is going to have to drag me down kicking and screaming#im ready to fistfight 'em in the parking lot of the hospital im not going down without a fight#The prospect of a new beginning#fills you with Perseverance
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and think about how Ring Ding Dong could’ve been that K-pop song that took the world by storm instead of Gangnam Style. If only it hadn’t been released in 2009 when practically nobody used YouTube
#shinee#ring ding dong#shawol thoughts#onew#jonghyun#key#minho#taemin#can you imagine if ring ding dong came out nowadays???#like that shit would break the internet#everybody would be doing the ring ding dong challenge on tiktok#so many covers of Jonghyun’s babyyyy at the beginning#the world wasn’t ready for ring ding dong#like do other groups realize how much social media plays into their popularity?#1st and 2nd gen kpop groups didn’t really have that#it just makes me wonder how much more iconic and beloved those groups would’ve been if social was where it’s at today#lowkey these new baby groups wouldn’t stand a chance#jongyu#onkey#onho#ontae#jongkey#jongho#jongtae#minkey#taekey#2min#ot5#5hinee#shinee world
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me: waiting for shoe(s) to drop
Personified Alan Becker YouTube Icon: oh... buddy...
#me reassuring myself like#it's okay. look see? they can speedrun the genuine apology process too. see? yeah i know#i know#--/ art#L1_CAT#subpixels#alan becker#green influencer arc#ava influencer arc#(OHMYGO D BRIAN MADE IT??????? NO WONDER IT'S GLORIOUS?!?!?!?)#i don't think there will be- well no. that's a lie there will totally be more great works with these specific themes in the future . . .#because there will probably be these specific problems in the future. but W0w does it hit now.#not that long ago i know i was dealing with angst online. and that just. permeates everything. for *months*#what a shot to the heart !!! new weakness unlocked ! ! ! !#/pos ... yeah no it's. you know what i mean#ghhhhghh the imperfect files feeling defensive about not being included hhhhhhhhhhhhhh kindness to snarling creatures hhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!#gonna need to rewatch this a few more times. at Least. hooh#ps: i have a vivid memory of reading a fic on ao3 that emotionally compromised me and i saw in the notes that the author said...#''[please trust me. i know what im doing c: ]'' or something that that's what they meant. it was either a doctor who or a good omens one.#and i did trust them. and the story continued being amazing. and they didn't let me drown in that space i found myself in.#i feel responsible for not letting myself get too far underwater like that- and i have succeeded.#and i also trusted Them (scriptors directors animators etc etc etc). and i am. safe#it feels like there was a wound here i forgot about that is only now beginning to heal. . . ... . . . . . .#i think ill be 100% ready to laugh about it in like. a year. for now we roll catharsis gang#a year is maybe too long. you know what i mean. arbitrary time unit. laundry minutes.
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While I was rewatching the first Zexal episodes, I noticed something interesting: aside from stuttering his name the first time they met, Yuma never referred to Astral by his name until episode 6. He only referred to Astral as “ghost”, “spirit”, or “this guy”, or simply “you” when talking directly to him. At the beginning of episode 5 Yuma is saying to Kotori and Testuo that Astral had repeatedly told him the day before to call him Astral. Furthermore, since Kotori and Tetsuo didn't have any idea that Astral had a name, shows that Yuma had never said his name while they were around.
I don't think that being called like that was a bother to Astral initially, (he wasn't even sure that Astral was his name when he crashed on Earth), but, probably, after knowing the name of the place he was from (and that he had a mission to fulfill), he started to have a more strong sense of himself and wanted Yuma (who was the only person who could see him) to call him by his name (and also wanting Yuma's friends to use his name and not calling him “ghost”).
In this scene, Yuma says Astral's name, but he is just repeating what Astral had said to him.
The first time Yuma calls Astral by name properly and directly to him is during episode 6, after Tokunosuke took control of Leviathan Dragon and Astral's condition worsened. And after that, he calls Astral's name two more times, trying to get him to answer.
Astral, instead, tries to use Yuma's name from the start... with poor results.
But in the next episode, when talking to himself, he refers to Yuma with his correct name (while Yuma calls Astral a ghost or similar even when he was talking to himself).
Astral calls Yuma with his correct name for the first time during episode 3, when he tells Yuma to duel against Mr. Ukyo because he has a Number.
It's kind of ironic that it took more than one episode to make Yuma and Astral say the other's name, seeing how the more the show progresses, the more these two end up screaming each other's name.
#if we really want to be precise Yuma also said Astral's name when he presents the next episode (like the title of episode 3)#but let's only count the times he said in the show#I have to say this: I find really funny that the first time Yuma call Astral's name is when Astral is in danger#when I noticed this my first thought was: “Get ready Yuma because this is just the start”#Maybe this is nothing new but I wanted to do a post about it anyway#because I love these two so much#and their relationship is so interesting to me#especially because theirs wasn't an easy start#and that makes what happens later in the series a lot more rewarding#(but I have to say that I loved them from the beginning)#from “this guy” to “my everything”#From Astral's perspective is interesting to notice his initial lack of interest in being called anything but his name#to then repeatedly ask Yuma (and his friends) to call him Astral#It's a step forward on his path to considering himself a person#(and Yuma listened to him and stopped calling him ghost)#astral zexal#astral yugioh#yuma tsukumo#zexal#yugioh zexal#yu gi oh zexal#ygo zexal
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Requestober 2024 Sketches
The playlist is...well, it will be posting very soon! Keep an eye out for your req(s) every Wednesday and/or Friday after the 6th (I think?), pretty sure I got ‘em all >:3c
Doing the full season this time around! The entire mixed bag o’ candy haha
Day 1 had my beautiful boys!! ♥ I’m so happy that Yanderapy took the lead this year ah! It’s too bad I’m so out of practice with them haha, unconfident lines, but the idea was solidly in place from the word go - this was really the only image that came to mind for them, their weird dynamic hehe <3 Made for each other! I am glad their expressions came together so well in the final version, though I didn’t get to show Micchan kneeling! That’s alright tho ♪ Cute enough here hehe
Day 2 got a lot of notes! Kabu’s clothing design is So complex lol, just toss him behind Larry who’s like second nature to draw, suits are so so simple in comparison haha ♪ Still only ended up hiding bits of him! He did end up with his shoe on the outside of Larry’s, boxing him in that little bit <3 And look! His smirk!! As well as the “hiragana” on his sleeves while I was still under the impression that it was text and not Flame Texture lol
And yes, as you can see, I ended up going with the alt doodle, they got more! I was quite tempted by Larry holding Kabu since he’s so tiny lol, but that would’ve required drawing his details! No! Hide him!! The pose is fun and silly and cute tho haha, very plush-coded ♪ And then also a little smech for funsies <3 Just to follow up their staring-at-each-other-in-a-gay-way they ended up with ♥ Rather a fan of Kabu’s hands pulling Larry in :)
Day 3′s was such a pose change!!! Mostly for Edgar, though he’s still kneeling here, inexplicably haha - the angle changed for the final version, and both of their head angles and just, ah, nothing more than a general outline of what I was going for. I’m pleased with both tho! I think the final is much more clear and readable, but there’s always a bit of fun with Edgar looking down/Scriabin looking up haha. I suppose it’s more appropriate than an angel would be looking down on a devil, isn’t it? Haha
Day 4 was another easy one at least, the pose immediately came to mind to show off Nny’s clothes on an even ganglier, thinner frame haha. Like I said, I really tried for more fullbodies this year, so I had to give the tiny version a proper swing on-page! Ran out of room for the larger one, but I really wanted to draw him holding his shoe with his hand haha. You can see the goopmonster on his shirt here too! :D I think his annoyed face is quite cute hehe <3
Day 5 was practically a freebie, and I took absolute full advantage hehehe ♪ If I get the prompt of “soft” of course I’m going to opt for plushies! I’m back in my Webkinz era, and Tala is big big big on Webkinz as well :) And her being a plushie has something of an impact there too lol, but it was really fun to look over all my little guys! I ended up having an extra handful of thoughts about all of them so they’ll be getting their own post(s) :D Good too, since I didn’t talk much about Embroidery’s closet cosplay haha
Day 6 was actually a bit of a question mark for me at first! :0 Not as though I don’t love when Edgar has to clean up Scriabin’s self-inflicted problems haha, I just wasn’t sure what it should be! Making it seasonal helped a bit there - lots of sticker burrs around here when we go walking haha. The bonus ended up being a digital-only, but it was a good motivator to finish these, and then the full poses came to mind - I’m not sure why I was more excited to work on full body poses, but I really was! Maybe the success of meeting my self-imposed challenge haha
I ended up scrapping the alt since it reminded me a little too much of one of the ‘22 reqs - trying to keep things fairly fresh! It was also a little too cartoony haha, where would Edgar suddenly pull such strength from! This doesn’t look like a dream! At least it wouldn’t have been a nightmare of Scriabin being hurt :’) Rescue!
Day 7 was another insta-idea! Really going back and forth on those lol, it sprouted into my head fully formed! This was actually one of a couple I wrote down as I was away from my notebook while brainstorming, so it came back as a mini script; one of more dialogue-heavy ones! Chicken or egg, I wonder, hmm. I always draw Smoker with her sleeves up even though she usually wears them down haha, I dunno. Had a heck of a time with Angie’s hair! I tend to make hair super super fluffy but hers is long and straight and presumably weighs itself down! Doesn’t floof! You’d think having heavy hair myself would incline me towards knowing anything about it but nope lol
Little bouncy concepts haha, and poor Mousey so jealous in the middle, surrounded with them having the most fun!
Day 8 was fairly simple with such a focused ask of them eating Specific Food - can do! Chibis just felt right for such a cute food haha. Would Edgar have a crepe pan, I wonder... I suppose a lot of it comes down to the batter, I haven’t made crepes in such a long time so I wouldn’t know anymore haha
Day 9 featured the slouchy throne! You can see I like the little leggies haha, I did make it a touch more proportional in the final version but who can resist the sillies! Had to draw it and Mettaton separately so I could easily see their silhouettes, I think it all came together in the end fairly well :) Had one heck of a time getting the bottom of his shoes to play nice, but I’m proud of how it turned out!!
Day 10′s, who can resist skelehugs ♥ No I! Not me!! The original had them a lot more upright, I’m glad I went with my note of leaning them back a bit more. Also had Papyrus’ legs on either side of Sans, protective <3 I do like both, but I think they look a bit more reasonably comfortable in the final version, figuring out contact points with one of Papyrus’ legs all the way to one side was too much haha. No boots on the couch! I think they look a bit younger in the final version too, maybe from their eyebrow expressions? Interesting how such small changes can make a big difference ♪
Day 11 was originally going to feature a bunch more Pokemon!! Several of my pink-and-purple faves all gathered around MewTwo <3 Flaafy and Musharna and Sableye my beloved 💜 And of course Whismur!! Can’t but Whismur all the time haha, but in the end I opted to go for the simpler(?) option of just the two ‘mons interacting
Whismur is so spooked by you, even lying down!! Even tho I drew it so I can see it right in front of me, I just can’t imagine MewTwo lying down to investigate haha. More posing changes! Lot of ‘em this year. Pls to quiet, cats have very sensitive hearing, you don’t need to shout
Day 12 started off with probably the Correct Amount of confusion lol, considering even @cutiebetutie didn’t expect this to be the matchup lolol, still deeply hilarious to me. But hey, what was I going to do, question a crackship?? Do I look like the kind of person who would say no to exploring some possibilities? Of course I had to give them a scope lol
Haha, “Alt” in quotes as I knew this would actually be the full version, the handholding is cute but where’s the dynamic! There is something there after all! I think so anyway, some tiny tiny sliver that they could start from, and what more foot in the door do you really need? If Nny’s on his charm that drew Devi in, I don’t see why someone a little more airheaded like Jake couldn’t be beguiled haha, if he lasts long enough for that ♪ It’s very tense! I wish him well, I wonder if he could protect himself... Just cut and run, Jake!! Makes for an interesting suspense, that’s for sure haha
Day 13‘s kigurumis!!! Yay!!!! Smol and I successfully wore ours for Halloween this year, we’re them fr fr haha, definitely one of my favourites from this season <3 <3 They’re so cute! Biggest change from here to there is probably where the legs start/end haha, kigurumi have funny little legs hehe. And also Papyrus’ gloves! Sans ended up without any, I can’t resist a hand plate here or there ♪ Also him closing his one good eye to pun about was an accident until it wasn’t haha, just another excuse to do a touch of rereading :3
Day 14‘s turned out so good for how cramped the sketch was!!! Gaster’s hardly there at all! Which is appropriate in its own way haha, filling in the rest of his details was pretty fun tho :) Papyrus looks a lot more desperate in this version which I do like, but him openly enjoying himself is very sweet, who could deny him that <3 Quite pleased with how his arm and hand posing came together in the end as well, fairly minor changes but I think it all flows together much nicer :D
Day 15′s word bubbles turned out way cleaner in the sketch than the final version?? Calls for more practice I suppose; it is asymmetrical, but it does look nice! Maybe needed more colour swatches haha, more and more rows! Edgar’s unimpressed look in the final version is quite good I think but there’s almost a kind of urgency with no eyes behind blank glasses hmm, they both have their merits! I applaud everyone who caught Scriabin holding the bi flag as his swatches! :D Good eye!
Day 16 began The Sleepies lol, I was a bit tired while doodling the first go and it uhm. Well. I mean. You can see lol. S’a bit goofy haha
The alt was much much better! I did end up leaving out the grass which I’m a Little disappointed about - feels too manicured, too sterile in the final version! But I really couldn’t figure a way of adding a bit of visual noise that wouldn’t look flat as well! Minecraft, eh, lol. I am quite pleased with how round Moomin turned out tho :D He looks like a marshmallow in the final version! Yay!
I actually doodled Day 17′s concept before 16 since it came to me so strongly - I do kind of like how much more upright Mob is here, him being as hunched over as he is in the final version adds to the moodiness of the piece I feel. He really is such a good boy! I don’t wish him dark and upsettings!
Day 18‘s didn’t get a paper sketch as I was verrryyyyy tired and had no energy to scan, so skipped the step that would make scanning necessary haha. For all that, I do rather like the digital sketch tho! I think Snufkin’s left leg is a bit better proportioned, and his expression is maybe a bit cheekier? Moomin’s perfect, no notes haha. I also ended up really liking their tail expressions, how Snuf’s is kind of straight and flat while Moomin’s is very roundy hehe <3
I know I said Day 20 doesn’t count but I mean, it’s on the same page! It got the “Day 20″ label! Sketch can go here why not haha. Happy belated Ace Week! I thought it was fun to put a bunch of pink lovehearts around the big central ace heart for me specifically hehe 💜💗
I mentioned in the tags that Day 26‘s original concept was too big to try to do all at once and ahhhh I wish I’d been able to swing it!! I wish I’d been able to do the whole thing!!!! I love scenes like this the most!! Little isometric rooms with little isometric characters all chatting and interacting and being cute and silly and tiny!! I love that! Alas, it had to stay a sketch, but here it is!! Can you recognize everyone here? The main three got the center, but who could the rest be :3c And what of their costumes! Hehe ♪
Still fighting back the sleepies for what ended up being the final version so the dialogue was left much more vague than the caption haha, the aliens don’t even have feet here! I suppose they are meant to be in fish costumes lol, it tracks that only the fully-human Captain’s legs would end there, but definitely not intentionally done so lol. I like ZEX’s expression here so muuuuch ahh I wish I’d been able to capture it a bit better in the digital version! Always something for next time haha
I actually ended up drawing Day 30′s sketch very very last, so this was the last doodle of the season! Me, projecting my tiredness onto the Vargases? Nooo <3 Another one that ended up very very different from the final version, I just needed Something down to paper and out of my head to work with really - I knew even while drawing this that I was going to end up with something very different haha. Sometimes hand just does whatever it wants pft. The dialogue was the star of the show here! And you can see what Scriabin was up to, obscured by the couch haha
Day 31, penultimate sketches for the final day! I really do love Scriabin hiding behind Edgar - wants to be included but not That close, very much with Edgar in the way of anything bad happening to him haha. More pose changes! I like both versions, Todd holding Shmee for comfort or him spilling out of his lap as he focuses all his attention on Joel <3 Both cute in different ways!
Cats are still not one of my strong-suits, but I have been drawing them a bit more recently! Admittedly of the cartoon variety, but even that has had some effect I think! Like their little triangle noses, and the way their ears scoop inwards, and whiskers - little things! I like it! I had fun with these little concept poses, Joel kind of curiously huddling on Edgar’s chest, looking at the world from a safe vantage spot haha. Hold him gently! He deserves it!
All the sketches from this year! I ended up having a lot of fun this season even if it was a little lighter than previous years haha, thank you again to everyone who joined!! ♥
#Doodles#Requestober#Oh hey there wasn't any blood this year was there! How unusual haha#Here we go tag roundup - Yanderapy hehe <3 - Pokemon (both 'mons and canon characters!) - Vargas of course - Handplates ♥ - Webkinz :D -#RespectAWoman! Yeah!! Their first digitals whoo! - Undertale non-AU haha - Moomins and Minecraft - MP100 - Damned! So happy to have one ♥#I really wasn't sure if I was gonna get one! I spent so much time thinking about Damned this year ahhh <3 <3 Niche of a niche but delight ♪#A very fun spread this year - as is every year haha but it's always fun to see which ones are new and which ones return!#Much higher proportion of Handplates this year :D Not surprised there considering how the year started haha ♪#Always happy to draw those lads <3 They're a delight#And as usual my focus tends to drift towards whatever the req is so I've found myself doing some rereading all over! Which is quite fun :D#Still holding off on Vargas for the time being but everything else got some attention which was very enjoyable ahh#Being caught up has its perks - like reading new things hehe ♪#It does feel funny to have Vargas stuff in a sketchdump when I've still got the VLH-specific sketchdump in the backlog.... Remind me lol#Still lol for as much fun of a season as it was I am ready for it to come to a close haha#And luckily this didn't break even once so I'm getting my ask without a fuss!! Yes!!!#Tired!! Ready to take a short break!!! And it really will be short since I want to start up again at the beginning of next week lol#But I get my break!!! I definitely feel like I've earned it haha#And then it'll be back to doodling and editing and writing ahhhh - plenty of other things I'm looking forward to!!!#Thanks again for such a fun season <3 Couldn't do it without you hehe
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never have i been so entirely exhausted from sitting in front of a laptop in a dark room for three hours gay! and so full of delight and happiness! like wow! i have not felt this good in ages!! and its a good kind of tired! i feel like im glowing!
but shit, the update is more than i could've dreamed of. like i said - three straight hours of combing, and i probably still missed a thing or two! i'm even saving the storytime audio to enjoy in the morning, i haven't listened to it yet!
i already have so many thoughts and emotions but i'm... so wiped out oh my god lmao. so much new stuff at once! i need to sleep on it all! and in the morning i will be more than happy to reply, interact, answer asks on this subject, share my actual thoughts - i just need to take the rest of the night to Process and rest, yk yk
and i know i "missed" some links on my liveblog! i know i know! i didn't add every single thing i found - like most of the Wally audios - because i'll be compiling them all into a labeled post tomorrow! when i wake up! i'm already looking forward to it <3 i'm confident i personally found all of them, though! i was Thorough! i went through everything at least twice, i tabbed through, i clicked on Everything...
but yes i hope you all are having a wonderful Update Day/Evening/Morning/Afternoon As The Case May Be. this is truly a delight and again, more than i could've dreamed of. i'd forgotten what it's like to be so wholly excited and delighted by something! it's been so long since i've felt this kind of genuine joy and whimsy! usually im white-knuckling my optimism and happiness but tonight it was all authentic 100% non-forced From The Soul!
#a very exciting day of Not Much Happening and then Everything At Once#the constant (joyous) stress over the update and then the intense euphoria of experiencing it....#very very exhausted i have no energy left in me for literally anything#a sleep will fix that though#and ill be back to Chatter and Ramble#absolutely unprompted#scribble salad#i cant believe we're only at the very beginning... there is already So Much!#so much good stuff! incredible stuff! monumental work! i literally cant fathom that this is the Tip of the iceberg! what the fuck!#but thats something to swoon over another day#we have the update!#a plethora of audio clips and new information to chew on!#but yes yes i will make a tumblr post with all of the links#in order! labeled! for your convenience and viewing and reblogging pleasure!#and a different post with my personal thoughts and emotions! i have many!#alright yes stepping away from the laptop now#water. teeth. cats. sleep. yes. totally going to do that.#i already know im gonna lay down get cozy and then my eyes are gonna Fly Open. Wide Awake#perhaps i should take some melatonin lol#i want to be able to wake up in a timely manner Well Rested and ready to compile!!!#a melatonin night it is!#but yes i hope you all are having fun!!!#feel free to shoot me asks and such! i am more than happy to Respond and Discuss!#i will be making my main posts / sharing my thoughts before answering anything tho lol i will say that now#that way i can say my piece#and then if i get any asks about something ive already covered i can just Link the Post!#for ease of all of us <3#but yes goodnight!!!#i cant wait to scribble and talk and AGH!!!#to clown and everyone working on welcome home you guys are the fucking most and its just. its everything
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horizon forbidden west | aloy 86/?
#horizon forbidden west#hfw#aloy#taken in The Spot#hfw aloy#i am considering starting a fresh new game on UH#i said i would never do it for hfw bc the beginning is so brutal without good weapons but... i am considering it#problem is it would probably go very slowly and what i *really* need to do is get a collection of saves with npc quests ready to go#so i can take npc pics#and i wanted to do that on a different account so i don't have to get rid of my complete saves#ughhhhhh why do you make this so difficult sony
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Hey, sorry if this is a bit of a personal question - and feel free to ignore it if it is - but how did you know you wanted to start hrt? I am someone who IDs as transmasc and knows in an ideal world, I would've loved to have been born a guy. But the idea of going on hormones is terrifying because I can't figure out if I really want it... I worry about regretting it, or it making me 'unappealing' physically, or my friends judging me for it. Did you ever struggle with similar worries?
I think every person thinking about and starting HRT goes through this. A rite of passage, if you will, and also not a bad thing to do. HRT is a big step, some of the changes (especially on T) are irreversible. It's good to think through if it's a choice that's right for you or not.
That said, it's also Just A Thing You Can Do. I first started really questioning my gender at the end of 2020 (thank you, Elliot Page, for coming out and making me go "oh shit, you can do that?"). I got a therapist to talk about gender... Mid 2022? And started hormones spring 2023, top surgery a year later.
Before getting the therapist, I spent over a year Just Thinking About It. And a lot of the thoughts were around the changes on T and if I'd like them or not or if I'd regret them. If I'd be ugly, after being conventionally attractive as a woman.
It hits a point, though, where eventually you have to pull the plug one way or another. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body would change on T. A Lot. With longing. I caught myself putting things off Until I Knew For Sure and because I didn't want to do it while being perceived as a woman. I was sitting, treading water for a hypothetical Later that I could start moving towards at any time. I was scared for the Teenage Round 2 phase, and didn't want to spend months being "ugly and awkward", but then the months passed anyway and I was still in the same spot.
HRT isn't an all-or-nothing thing, you can ease into it on a low dose. My doctor started me on a low dose and we ramped up over months. Some T changes can start pretty quickly (voice dropping, bottom growth - this isn't true for everyone, but was true for me). If these changes excite you, make you feel good - great! Keep going! If they scare you, feel wrong - stop. Assess. Figure out what about it isn't right (a gender therapist for all of this process is a Huge Help). In early days if you stop T, the changes can revert, for the most part. But you can always stop at any time.
The bigger thing I actively worked to wrap my head around before starting HRT is - Who Cares If You're Wrong? What's right for you now might not be right for you later. The idea of detransitioning was scary to me, society has such a weird spotlight on it, the Right uses people who have detransitioned as props against transition. But it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, if I do change my mind, I'll know myself better, and I don't think it's wrong to chase and find comfort in your own body.
A year+ on T, I've mostly made it through the ugly duck phase, I think. I was lucky, I didn't get bad acne or get too oily or anything (after having horrible acne in my first puberty). Most of what I dealt with was the chronic baby face, where I was getting read as male but a teenager - I'm almost 30 and a woman wanted to card me over a free T-shirt at a baseball game because it had beer logos on it. After some middle months of changes and going "oh my god what am I doing" and not feeling confident in how this was all going to turn out, I think of myself as relatively attractive and I think I'm just going to get more vain as my beard comes in. Some of that is physical, sure, but I think a significant amount of that is me feeling more confident in myself and liking the body I'm in more. I was never a selfie or picture person, now I am. I joke I'm like a budgie, always looking at myself if there's a reflective surface nearby. I'm more excited to exercise, I'm interested in lifting weights for the first time, I'm curious what my body on T can do and become. Keep your eyes on the pieces that are going well, the changes exciting you, and let the rest catch up.
My social circle helped a lot. I'm very lucky and blessed to have great friends and family, all of whom are supportive. If you don't have friends who are supportive of you, that are judging you for exploring yourself rather than lifting you up for it, it's a sign to expand the social circle and find ones that are. Family is harder, but that's a thing you have to navigate for yourself and find your own boundaries for.
So, there's no ~one moment~ where you're 100% certain that medical transition is right for you. It's a huge unknown and you're changing the body you've had your entire life. At some point, though, you just have to jump and see how it lands. Part of being alive is making mistakes and doing things you might regret.
That said, the regret rate for trans people is something like 3%. The regret rate for knee surgery is something like 20%. Trust yourself.
#my two favorite posts I've seen online that helped with my transition#are the one that said ''the time will pass anyway'' in response to learning a new skill and being bad at it in the beginning#and a response to the question ''how did you know you were trans?'' of ''i thought about it''#because i didn think about it! a lot! a lot a lot!#and the time does pass anyway#the cliche advice is ''cis people dont think about this stuff'' and its true#or if they do they conclude they're good where they're at and how they identify rather than twisting themselves in knots over being sure#only you can decide if you're ready to take the plunge and try hrt#i do recommend getting a therapist to talk it through with#especially the social side of transition because that is scary#even if you have people you know will accept and support you it still puts you in a very vulnerable postion and it takes courage#the therapist also helped me talk through a lot of my fears about if i was ugly on the other side of transition#and the answer to all the social fears is always ''it won't matter to the right people''#i already had the right people around me but if you don't you can find your right people#a thing i reminded myself a lot too is to give people a chance#to keep ourselves safe we assume the worst so we can brace ourselves for it - that we will not be accepted and will have to defend ourselve#but i kep reminding myself it was not fair to assume the worst of people - especially certain family members#so its good to prepare yourself for the worst - but you also have to give people a chance to surprise you#i was So Scared of telling my aunt and and grandma. they were the last people i told because i was so afraid#but i did and they were nothing but supportive#they don't get it. we aren't going to talk about it. but we dont need to - they're doing their best and i am loved#good luck on however you choose to do things and find your happiness#hrt#gender#ask response#boy stuff
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Ok, so not able to really go deep into it right now after a long day at work, but I started thinking about a Tron coming to AFTER being Rinzler & getting time to think on all the horrible things he's done as Rinz & how post-Rinz Tron turns into a terrible gloomy presence, a new type of unbeatable monster, impossibly afflicted by all the pain he's caused & deaths he's wrought. A Tron that's so ashamed of what he's done, he turns into a different sort of disaster from what he was at Rinz, one that no longer can be the rescuer but one who needs to be rescued from himself & lost all agency in fear of harming anyone else again. Reminded that he is not only to blame for all those he lost to his own fiendish ways, but for all the terrible things he's done.
The hero needing his own rescuing, but made of claws & fangs, lashing out at anyone that dare take another step his way & risk his harm or dare consider a monster like him deserves an ounce of kindness at all.
One who's desperately in need of saving but thinks he himself unwanted, undeserving, and the more he isolates himself & less he thinks of himself, the more he devolves into something else entirely...
Biting & growling & retreating into a state that can't be held at bay, a malignant form toxifying the corner of the Grid he makes his home, poisoning & killing everything in a radius of self hatred or uh. Something like that.
#tron#rinzler#hmmmm nice program#MIND IF I RUIN IT#a new flavor of disaster#guy who wants a hug so bad it might just overright his current coding & finally set him right#a tron who really needs to know other people still forgive him#dont see him as less#& still respect him despure what he had become at clus hand#... but what grief turns him into#is it saveable?#or another broken rinzler like program?#just another damaged state of tron??#who can say....#he's waiting fir anyone to remind him he's worth anything#& the one user who runs straight into his den of darkness#knowing trons claws & fangs are beared & ready to attack#feeling the pierce of sharp stinging regret & hatred#yelling only /go! you dont understand! leave!!/#& the user#bleeding & captured tight in the tangle of claws yelling back#/its always you always will be you#nothings changed nothing will ever!!/#melting him thru like ice to a flame#& taking his claw & saying#/i cant lose you again/#& watching the monster begin to slowly#ever so slowly#retreat back away...
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Here’s my “ Staying Aligned “ Calendar for June 💌
I am working so hard towards having these available for sale as physical copies for 2025 & I can’t wait 🥹
Until then I will be sharing on all my platforms for the rest of 2024 🫶🏼
The energy is shifting so let’s all be ready 💌
I hope this helps you all STAY ALIGNED 🥰
#astro community#astro observations#astroblr#astrology#astro posts#astro notes#june#cancer season#new moon#new beginnings#full moon#releasing#stay ready
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