#reading tragedies is really just begging for someone to tell you what happened to make it so certain parts of your past are inarticulable

[orangerosebush]

CW DISCUSSION OF ABUSE

I am trying to find papers on the subject of fathers who consume (knowingly or unknowingly) their children in myth. Although writing on mothers who consume their children has already explored the monstrous inversion of birth/pregnancy present in those stories, there's certainly an analogous tenor to stories that instead feature fathers with murderous appetites, and I want to see what has been written on that note. Parental cannibalism in these stories is particularly interesting to me as a way of exploring certain kinds of abuse (e.g., sexual), as the violence of these acts is symbolically so close to incestuous abuse. To elaborate on why I see there being a connection, I return to why cannibalism in myth within families is a kind of double cannibalism. Parental cannibalism is cannibalism, of course, in the sense that one is eating a member of one's community, of one's community. Yet the act is cannibalism in another sense: in the sense that the cannibalism is occurring within a family unit (i.e., not just transgressing the boundary of eating someone of the same species, but of the same species and bloodlines). Furthermore, just as the comestible line we must not cross is drawn at the boundary of species, so too is the line drawn sexually transgressed in the context of incestuous abuse.

[wonryllis]

ᨓ ENHYPEN FINDING YOUR WRITING ACCOUNT OF THEM.

. . ──𝖺𝗅𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾𝗅𝗒, 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖽𝖾𝗅𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾 𝗂𝗌 𝖾𝗑𝗉𝗈𝗌𝖾𝖽.

﹙ 𝒘𝐞𝐛 ⭑ 𝒅𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐢𝓁𝓈. ﹚ enhypen discovering your top secret. fem!r. fluff, crack maybe a bit requested. wordcount` 664. アーカイブ ARCHIVE?

𝗵𝗲𝗲𝘀𝗲𝘂𝗻𝗴 he would be so giddy, and embarrassed and shy to find out that you write about him, boy is too flustered about the fact that you make fan content to even question anything else. it'd take a few days for him to let it all settle into his mind and then oh my god it's hell, he'll look up your account secretly even though you told him not to and then he'll keep saying random things he picked from you pieces to tease you. "my pretty doll, i will burn the world to save you"

𝗷𝗼𝗻𝗴𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗴 he is so so so sooooo embarrassed like he'll forget whatever he was up to when you accidentally let it spill that your latest post of him was doing so well. he will simply ask if you write about him and when you hesitantly admit it he'll be like okay great i hope you account does well??? he loves being the one you write for but he doesn't want to embarrass you by speaking any more of it. although from time to time he will ask for some updates on how it's been going.

𝗷𝗮𝗲𝘆𝘂𝗻 he is so happy you don't understand the level at which he is like platinum gem rank happy. he'll immediately sit with you beg you to show him your account and let him read through the fics, even the other members' he's just so curious he can't sit still. he'll read one with like heeseung as a secret agent and then tell you he would have been a better suit for it. then he'll read a spiderman one you wrote for him and then ask you if you wanna try the upside down kiss.

𝘀𝘂𝗻𝗴𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗻 he stopped working, system crashed. unable to believe for days that you got a fan account about him and on top of that you write things about him. thinks he's dreaming until you speak of it again and he's like you weren't joking?? will ask you things about it like what you write and how it works, if people like his fics and what aus you write him in and why you think of him as fitting for an au. a literal question bank, will inquire about every little detail but never look it up himself.

𝘀𝗲𝗼𝗻𝘄𝗼𝗼 he's like in disbelief but like in a happy really elated way so excited to see you account, your aesthetic, your follower count, your writing style. just about everything and he's so supportive like you go girl, he'll also most probably make an account himself and follow you. commenting on each fic and sending asks like 'guess who baby (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)' he will also look through other accounts to come up with better advice to grow you space. will save the pieces you write about him to reread.

𝗷𝘂𝗻𝗴𝘄𝗼𝗻 the happiest kitty in the world, will leave everything literally drop it the second you tell him you got a writing account of him whether it's accidental or intentional. ask you the username and read all of your pieces about him in one sitting. definitely will get jealous to see others you wrote for and more if you someone else has more fics than him. will immediately give you new ideas like plan out a whole plot and then tell you, it's about him and you in an alternate universe so you need to write it.

𝗿𝗶𝗸𝗶 he is immediately teasing you to cover up the embarrassment he feels, like an internal struggle of why should he be the one embarrassed when you are the one who write fanfiction about him. will take your phone from you open your account and read it aloud, though halfway in he'll genuinely get invested especially if it's a social media au, going 'm not like that!' every chapter and when he's caught up to the latest one, he'll bug you to reveal what happens next, after all it's his story!

taglist ( open. ) @kangseulgithegreat @s00buwu @luvyev @pockyyasii @nctislifue @ashtxrie @miniature-tragedy @jayujus @brachives @thoughtsmeander2tumblingblindly @eeunoia @nxzz-skz @shawnyle @enhaswirlds @enhasnuggles

[greypetrel]

I was gleefully telling my friend about you and showing her your art (she's super into LOTR so I was trying to find those, but got in the wrong tag🤣) and found/shared your Vespa comic. We had a good laugh and she said: "Wait till someone tells them about ROLLER COASTER" and I immediately came over here. WHAT IF someone tells Dorian and Aisling about ROLLER COASTER?? 🤣🤣🤣

Forgive me if it took too long, but this made me laugh so much that I HAD TO draw something.

Also: I'm leaving you the correct tag down here, but the Dark Lady one is "aisling the dark lady AU". You can find all my aus and tags in the character masterpost!

They'd LOVE the idea, of course. A little too much. They. Not most people around them.

They'll ignore Josephine begging them to please, PLEASE reconsider, think of your reputation, and rush to the Undercroft. Dagna will be over the moon with the plan, of course. Here's the blueprint, and under the cut some other details:

They found plenty of materials to build it in the Exalted Planes. Someone will have to dispose of all that rubbish after the war ended, right?

"Can't you build it in the Exalted Planes?" "But Josie, if we build it there, how would we experiment on gravity? We'll need to travel there and you see, that would be a great bother and will hinder our research. Also if we have it here, it would improve the moral of the troops greatly! :D"

Dorian's calculations were right. Solas discovered it with the first trial run. Not that any of the -very elated- science bros knew, but he actually started to think that maybe the Veil wasn't that bad of an idea, right there and then. Because can you imagine them WITHOUT THE VEIL? CAN YOU? Thedas wouldn't survive.

In order to make Josie happy, they'll come up with other rides to install around Skyhold:

Teacups will be installed in the upper courtyard. Except they're still a scientific experiment on Centrifugal Force, so they're fast. So fast that the game promises a free foal to everyone who manages not to puke on them. Since the foal is one of Little Brother's, Aisling horse (he made a name for himself in the Western Approach, biting on Venatori's butts, and is generally a prick), the excessive speed is actually considered a good thing. So nobody will win a foal of that horse or will have to tell Aisling that her beloved horse is an asshole.

Cullen's tower will be turned into a haunted house (thanks @ndostairlyrium for the idea). He'll actually contribute in painting the place, and will say that it's very useful to dissuade people to come looking for him if the report isn't REALLY important. "Aren't you scared, tho?" "Please, I was a commanding officer in Kirkwall."

Whack-a-mole in the Tavern's courtyard. The Iron Bull and Cassandra monopolize it and they're so-called nemeses. One day, then, the TRAGEDY: a mysterious person beat their record. No one knows who they are, there's a whole weekend of them playing Sherlock Holmes interrogating everyone around the Keep. (it's Krem.)

Josephine needed one joy, or ONE THING that she can use to sell the Inquisitor to the aristocracy. So Aisling organised something cute and nice for nobles to see and participate in. With horses! She named one of the horses Josephine! Josephine is moved, and from how Aisling describes it, calling it "giostra" because she heard the term from Dorian in vernacular Tevene and can't remember it in Trade for the sake of her, Josie thinks it's a carousel.

It's actually something better, and Josie loves it. (In Italian, "giostra" means a carousel, and also what happens in the video)

(Aisling is the unbeated championess. It's not that people let her win, is that she just can't be beated.)

One day, Dorian will eventually use all the data to calculate how much force they will need on the roller coaster to send a cart into orbit. Aisling will read his notes and find a way to propel the cart strong enough to actually do it.

Sera greatly approves.

[firecrackerhh]

Sigh…alright, redo.

Look, it’s quite clear to me that ANYONE who chooses to off themselves over this shit had other problems that likely made the stress of…all of that, much worse.

It isn’t good to doxx and threaten people over fucking shipping discourse, that shits retarded and I’m not gonna mince words about it. If you do that shit, you are significantly worse than anyone you think deserves it.

I just think it’s bullshit that every time this shit fucking happens antis constantly want to act like the entirety of the Hellaverse fandom is full of irredeemably awful people when antis are significantly fucking worse.

Antis think it’s totally acceptable to tell incest shippers to off themselves or whatever but the second someone dies, someone who they can virtue signal about, they act like it’s some horrible tragedy that never should’ve happened.

And in this case, they would be right, but it’s kinda backhanded.

You can’t say you give a shit about suicidal people or whatever if you directly tell people to off themselves cuz they do shit you don’t like. Anything the fandom’s done, the antis have as well.

It’s all virtue signalling to them, they don’t actually care. They’re just using this as yet another excuse to shit on the fandom as if this fandom is uniquely terrible and so much more deserving of mockery than them, or hell, anyone else really, considering how wretchedly awful the human race has been to each other since it’s evolution.

As if antis haven’t told fans to off themselves over a fucking cartoon.

How many hazbin fans have died from suicide cuz of antis I wonder? Do antis give a fuck about those people?

Like, when antis bring this shit up, do they want the fandom to grovel at their fucking feet and beg for forgiveness or some shit, act like we’re showing repentance by constantly having to apologize for other’s sins? Anyone who sent this person death threats or whatever is a POS and deserves to be called out for it, but just lumping in those people with the rest of the fandom is kinda unfair.

Like do these people think fandoms are a hive mind that all think the same way? Do they think we approve of this shit? Cmon. Don’t be stupid.

I certainly don’t think sending threats over shipping is normal fucking behavior.

It’s just so irritating to me because it’s clear that any anti bringing this shit up is a fucking hypocrite, even if they don’t engage in any wretched behavior like that personally, they’re still a part of the group that does that shit on a daily basis, sure don’t see THEM calling out other antis on their shitty behavior. Most of the time, I’m sure there are exceptions.

And I’m just being honest, caring about what people ship in general is stupid. Let people ship what they fucking want, there’s no amount of harassing people that’ll make them stop shipping something, I don’t care HOW problematic it may or may not be.

All of this only started because people had an issue with someone shipping Charlastor of all ships. Sheesh, y’all need to chill.

Actually I’m also gonna keep it 💯 with y’all by saying that essentially ANNOUNCING SOMEONE DIED LIKE THAT AND NOT EVEN BEING ABLE TO SAY THE FUCKING WORDS EVEN THO TUMBLR ISN’T TIKTOK IS ACTUALLY EXTREMELY FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL.

God even typing that felt exhausting.

Ngl I think the caps make it worse, makes it sound like they’re yelling to the world “A HAZBIN FAN IS DEAD” Fucking “GUESS WHAT EVERYONE?” Like you’re gonna tell your friends about a hot guy you’re gonna go on a date with or something and not announcing someone fucking died. Like you just can’t wait to find another reason to be a petty asshole towards us about this, piece of shit.

By all means, maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it just…bothers me.

These people are no better than us, I’ll die on that hill, I don’t give a fuck.

🔥🧨~Firecracker out~🧨🔥

[fullmetalgirl98]

Funny. This is the summer of my 26th birthday and, the further I go, the more I realize that something is probably going out in my view of life and the world in general.

And I'm just noticing now that this is also being reflected so much in the kind of stories I read lately and the music I listen to. The fact is that I like plots to have something more to offer, something deep, to the point of bordering on the dramatic or even the tragic. I've never made any secret of that. Maybe I'm simply getting old, idk. But taking a look at what I've been feeding on lately, I think this is getting a little out of hand. This realization is something that hit me hard right after I finished reading A little life, some days ago, so this speaks loud, if you know what kind of story it tells... So I'm going to make a list of the things I've been into recently taking this book as a starting point, since I couldn't help but make connections between things, while reading. So if you loved this book (or any of the things I'm about to mention below), I really think you'll love everything else on the list as well!

Let's start by saying that the themes covered are very heavy and not simple to deal with at all. Some of them can be a trigger for many people (me included), so I won't go into detail, because I don't want to risk belitting anything, but se*ual ab*se, viol*nce, self-harm, pain, suffering, illness, but also love, lots of love…are just some of the main themes of this book. And they intersect very well with those of two manhwa I love: Lost in the Cloud and Pearl boy.

I saw so much of both Skylar (especially) and Cirrus in Jude. And I admit that I always imagined him to be very similar aesthetically to Skylar. Lost in the Cloud is the first manhwa I ever read in my entire life, and now that I've read quite a few, I can say that I still consider it my favorite; it holds a really special place in my heart. Season 2, in particular, made me really suffer and it's the events of this one that unlocked for me the major parallels with A little life.

Then we have Pearl boy. Ohhhhh this one. I read this manhwa a short time ago, at the beginning of the summer, and immediately fell in love with it. But the tragedy, from a certain point on, is just too much. Again, Jooha and Jude have a lot in common, unfortunately…. I find it beautiful, though, how, in both stories, both Jooha and Jude found someone who would stand by them no matter what happened and be willing to do anything, really anything, for them.

Manga-wisely, I cannot fail to mention Kami no fune de nemuru, which I resumed reading just recently. Again, heavy themes? Yes. Obviously. Gay love? Yes. Of course. But here the things get a little bit darker (and no, in case you were wondering, Kei is not the manga version of Skylar and Youichi is not the manga version of Cirrus). (Apart from the aesthetic issue I mentally created for myself) I saw a connection in the way Kei and Jude hide things, the way they lie, their relationship with death and their past self…They're both "damned", in a certain way.

And last but not least, the usual music advice cannot be missed. This summer, for me, was marked by “Found Heaven,” Conan Gray's latest album. And some of the songs really make me think of A little life. In particular, three of them : Found Heaven: "But you prayed, begged and prayed, Heart unchanged. Don't be scared, little child, You're no demon (you're no demon, don't be frightened now). There's a God in the sky, Don't believe him (don't believe him, gods do love you now)" makes me think about what happened to Jude when he was a child, the way Brother Luke used to speak to him, while "You walk alone into the darkest night, You'll never sleep until you're satisfied, You need love, you need one, You need him" makes me think both to his need of Brother Luke and Willem. Forever with me: ⚠️SPOILER ALERT⚠️: ahhhh... I can't help but think to this all as a sort of letter from Jude to Willem after his death :( ("at least in all my memories") Final fight: again, this one makes me think of what Brother Luke (and Caleb, later) did to Jude.

[shellibisshe]

— ocs in a tragedy

tagged by @corvosattano @jackiesarch @nightbloodraelle @marivenah @leviiackrman and @poisonedtruth to take this uquiz for some clowns! thank you all !

tagging @loriane-elmuerto @chuckhansen @risingsh0t @florbelles @confidentandgood @indorilnerevarine @denerims @arklay @jendoe @phillipsgraves @unholymilf @shadowglens @queennymeria @roofgeese @kingsroad @shallow-gravy @adelaidedrubman @dickytwister @blissfulalchemist @purplehairsecretlair @swansuspirium @minaharkers @calenhads @ishwaris @girlbosselrond and anyone else!

these are all super long so

sweet supporting character

i wanna be your grandma so bad, please let me pinch your face and knit you a sweater. you're most likely the best friend of the protagonist, and there's some possible overlap between you and the narrator. you're sweet and try very hard to be selfless. you watch the ones you love descend into darkness, and make every effort to help them through it all. it's not enough. you keep trying to make it enough. you provide comic relief, a listening ear, a hug, advice── any method of support you can think of. your own personal tragedy isn't documented. sometimes you wish it was, even though you're the one who ensures it is not. you want people to care for you the way you do for others. but you refuse to ask for it, so you wait for others to read between the lines. they usually don't. at least you're the one who gets to survive the tragedy. no matter how many times you beg to trade places, it is always you at the end, sitting at someone else's grave.

tortured love interest

you're so hot. sorry about the horrors. you're the kind of person people immediately notice. whether you have a distinct style, are more outgoing, or are just plain beautiful, you make an impression. people usually feel the need to protect you, which probably frustrates you to no end. you're not weak! you're not fragile! you're not helpless! but the people in your life tend to disagree. maybe it's your lover, the protagonist, trying to keep you out of their own turmoil. maybe it's someone responsible for you in some way, keeping you away from your lover, while they head down an increasingly dark path. regardless, all you really want is a sense of autonomy! unfortunately, you're very likely to die before that happens. the audience will be so caught up in the grief your death causes the protagonist that they forget to grieve you as a person. you deserved better, but unfortunately this is not your story. maybe it should have been.

desperate narrator

this story is a cycle, and you're spinning around it like a hamster in a ball being tormented by a cat. you know how this story ends. after all, you've told it a thousand times. but you try to change it every time. you love the people in this story more than anything. so watching them fall victim to the narrative breaks you in a way you can't begin to describe. but all you can do is tell the story── their story── with tears in your eyes. you're prone to anxiety and feelings of helplessness. you have so much love in your heart, and for once you wish it would change something. it didn't. it doesn't. it won't. but you refuse to stop telling the story. and you refuse to stop loving the people in it. in this way, no one is stronger than you. you just wish being strong hurt less.

misunderstood villain

prepare for an onslaught of both the most dehumanizing and hateful takes, and flood of thirst comments. you are chronically misunderstood. whether or not you're actually evil is debatable. you may be acting out for revenge, to defend someone you love, or even just to protect yourself. you're a pretty jaded person. you don't trust or even really like most people. maybe you did at one point. but that part of you is gone, and you don't go a single day without grieving it. you think a lot about what your life could have been. you're stuck in the past. you're angry and maybe you don't even want to be, but this is the only way you can see to survive. you're open, but less in a trusting way and more like a wound. you don't like to let people see you, but the hurt spills out of you before you can stop it. you're impulsive, even as you try hard to plan and prepare. maybe someday your side of the story will finally be heard. until then, you can convince yourself that being hated is safer anyway.

[aotopmha]

Saw the first part of the AoT finale.

And this once again just hit at the right time for me personally.

It's not just about 'oh protect the kids' 'oh Eren is the poor victim bby'.

Eren is a victim AND perpetrator. He literally tells you this.

I'm currently feeling that sentiment of 'take responsibility you stupid fucks' very deeply.

But to start somewhere, I think the strongest part of this portion of the story to me is absolutely the character writing.

Eren is horrified at his own thoughts and what he felt in the future. (In fact the reason why he is stuck in his head are at least partially his own destructive feelings from the future. He's interesting because he has feelings. His future self wanted this while his current self is sitting there horrified and crying.)

Him not being free is absolutely the right read. It's simply about not being able to see past his feelings – his state of mind. Which is absolutely influenced by several factors as well like OG Ymir's feelings, his knowledge of the future outside of his feelings and his father's memories.

But he's also genociding people. And getting out of that prison is only possible if he is willing to engage with other perspectives. It's all this sort of a greek tragedy loop where his own dark thoughts amplify everything else and the other elements amplify his dark thoughts.

And because he values freedom so much, he could never actually restrain anyone from fighting back.

It's these character elements that determine the narrative direction. The story at this point is deeply character-centric.

Yet despite all seeming lost, his opponents feel it's worth to keep fighting for those who yet live. They can't take back what happened, but they can try to move forward in the circumstances they are in. I think this sentiment is so deeply important going into the finale.

Hange's decision is all about this position of responsibility she was pushed into following Erwin's death, too.

She values the pursuit of knowledge, so she picks Armin as the commander.

I really like her response to Yelena because she's basically talking past her. She admits she failed with Eren, but she never says Zeke is right.

In line of with this moment with Hange, I think a lot of this has very specific emotional nuances and I find that really important.

Yes, Eren's friends are begging with him in Paths, but I also think it's not just because they just love him so very much.

They are also desparate to throw everything at him because he's kind of destroying the world and killing humanity.

So any reason is okay as long as it gets through to him.

Just like that speech by the old guy is equal parts military speech, emotional desparation and thematic statement.

I could logically and clinically tell you that someone else could've technically replaced Hange or maybe Hange held on too long to the point of it being too much.

Or how Annie just could've pieced herself together and gone with them.

But to me it at least all makes sense from the character perspective.

I think it makes sense Hange went instead of Armin or Reiner or even Jean not just because she felt responsible and all Titans are needed, but also because she is also a better, more experienced fighter. What the anime improved is the sense of suspense of just how close the escape was. Her feat was successful as much because of her skill as it was luck and while I think this was the intention to begin with, I think the pacing and depiction of her battle was so much better in the anime. It was a desperate charge picking out Titans in a smart way to protect that one building.

On the other hand, Annie was drafted against her will. It's dumb another strong weapon chooses not to fight in the middle of an apocalypse, but we're also in the middle of an apocalypse and it's better to not have a liability making things worse in there.

That's the kind of story I view this series to be. And technically the story never brings of the experience thing or Annie being a potential liability, I think the framing makes at least the tone clear.

And the very final chapters are the peak of this, I think.

Which is also why it sucks that Historia is treated the way she is. Everyone else is great and gets to be complex and she is sort of just written out in the most sloppy way possible. I think her scenes will all probably be consolidated in the finale into a single timeline, if that. (Though the truth is, I think even completely skipping them would treat her better, so I'm sort of holding out for that.)

I think the final chapter is exactly like this. I think it has a much more nuanced, but more importantly consistent thematic perspective than people give it credit for undermined by not letting it sit has much as it should and follows through from this material.

We can't change what happened, but we can try to make the best of the circumstances we are left with and move forward the best we can.

I think this series is flawed in more complex (and to me interesting) ways than I see claimed, too.

I think there is nuance to the potential read that the story is about Isayama painting a facsmile of imperialistic Japan as victims because he clearly wrote the the representitive of the fictional Japan in her story regretting her actions of exploiting a minority and admitting they only care about themselves.

Hizuru was basically destroyed because of its own greed and that's a very clear (and true) statement about Japan.

She goes on to say you only truly understand you've done wrong once you've actually done the wrong thing.

This feels like an apology to me. And that's good, but she's also a tertiary character, so much does it matter?

And how much of painting Hizuru as an ally is patting yourself on the back?

This story is full of these nuances to me, be it in a straight-forward reading of the text or on the meta level and that's why I will always have a soft spot for it.

I think there is so much more to it all on all levels.

But right now I felt like addressing these elements.

[icharchivist]

As a Belial stan, I admit I fell for him because I saw a stupid meme that was my first introduction to him and Gbf in general, then couldn't get him out of my head, but the more I learned about him, the more I grew to love him

And I can confidently the atrocities only add to his character

The fact that he chose to cope with what happened to him by just digging his heels in and making the bad choice every step of the way like someone going for an evil run in a video game, despite tons of evidence pointing to him having the capacity to care for people (unlike Lucilius who checks a lot of boxes for sociopathy), it just. He's so awful and so hot and all the little things that make him Belial, including the tiny little quirks like collecting rare stuff and enjoying cicadas, they just make him so

Belial

It's difficult to put into words, but the way everything comes together just makes him such a compelling character. Also the balls and his tits. I'm not gonna pretend I'm a saint here

But they didn't have to go so hard on him and still they did! He could've just been horny and not tragic, or just tragic and not horny

But they went that hard and because of that he's now living rent-free in my head until the end of time

Anon you summed it all SO well!!! Honestly, pretty based Belial Stan experience.

I feel like Belial is extremely hard to sum up because there's a lot about him that's like... He's charming, so you kinda humor him when you read along the atrocities, but therefore, it leaves you just vulnerable enough that when he reveals why he's like this - all the tragedy that motivates him, and all the ways he specifically chooses to make himself worse as a result no matter how much pain it brings up - it genuinely hit like a truck.

I genuinely think the built up was really brilliant, because he's so entertainingly bad at first that you don't expect just how hard it's going to hit you when it happens.

I saw Belial in memes and people talking about him and stuff, and i found him particularly amusing and pretty charming, so i admit i was interested from the start. (also i had a dream of kissing him like, the day before i unlocked wmtsb in the story, which was coming out of NOWHERE because i hadn't met him yet at this point. This didn't help me going through wmtsb.)

And everytime he was being The Worst on the screen, even when he would genuinely make me angry, i still found him too charming to completely hate him. I was just obsessed with the way he talked and was taking the situation.

And ironically i remember that for a short instant, i got EXTREMELY pissed at him after he stole Sariel's wings and started to tell Sandalphon it was his fault Lucifer died, and for a brief instant i was feeling pure, unfiltered rage.... but then it led to his monologue, and then to his fake suicide, and i remember this was genuinely the moment where i was so distraught because of the quick succession of emotional highs i couldn't even try to keep up a sort of playful dislike anymore. I was just, so genuinely shocked by the absolute emotional roller coaster, that i was just there begging "please please it can't be happening please where is he, no, please no, don't let him be dead"

So when he reappeared and planted a bomb on us, almost killing us, instead of being mad, i was FULL OF JOY because i was just "aha! classic Belial! love you!!!" (and then of course the recontextualization of the Sariel incident made me fully at peace with him in the end.)

And it's so. so interesting to me because i wouldn't have Belial any other way. I love that he's a horrible person, i love that he makes all the worst of choices, but i also love that he is motivated by an honestly pretty sad backstory in itself, and that we saw enough of him to know he /is/ kind, deep down. He just choses not to be because he's the king of self sabotage.

It's SO difficult to put into words and even more so to put into words for people who haven't experienced wmtsb. You can take some of his scenes out of context, the sillies, the horrors, the serious, the sweets, the sads, all of them, but nothing would ever equate just experiencing the way the story is told and getting enthralled by all of that in quick successions of one another while this fucker also dares to be charming and sexy as fuck.

And honestly, learning that Belial literally came from the fact the writers were facing a writer block, and they took a risk with him because the only thing that could unblock them during the writing process of this tragedy was to be able to have a villain they could just put all sort of heavy but funny scenes on, really made it all even more of a tour de force. By 000 Belial is such a complex character that it's just. incredible to think this guy almost didn't exist, both because of the circumstances of his existence and the fact they almost veto'ed him for how sexual he is.

Worth it, truthfully. And now the guy lives rent-free in all of our minds and we're out there talking in depth about him at every turns.

oghh. He's just so fascinating but i somehow just feel like he needs to be Experienced to be Understood. This is what makes us Belial Connaisseurs, if you will. truly, one of a kind.

[toyfulbox]

what’s your role in the tragic play?

sweet supporting character

i wanna be your grandma so bad, please let me pinch your face and knit you a sweater. you're most likely the best friend of the protagonist, and there's some possible overlap between you and the narrator. you're sweet and try very hard to be selfless. you watch the ones you love descend into darkness, and make every effort to help them through it all. it's not enough. you keep trying to make it enough. you provide comic relief, a listening ear, a hug, advice- - any method of support you can think of. your own personal tragedy isn't documented. sometimes you wish it was, even though you're the one who ensures it is not. you want people to care for you the way you do for others. but you refuse to ask for it, so you wait for others to read between the lines. they usually don't. at least you're the one who gets to survive the tragedy. no matter how many times you beg to trade places, it is always you at the end, sitting at someone else's grave.

tortured love interest

you're so hot. sorry about the horrors. you're the kind of person people immediately notice. whether you have a distinct style, are more outgoing, or are just plain beautiful, you make an impression. people usually feel the need to protect you, which probably frustrates you to no end. you're not weak! you're not fragile! you're not helpless! but the people in your life tend to disagree. maybe it's your lover, the protagonist, trying to keep you out of their own turmoil. maybe it's someone responsible for you in some way, keeping you away from your lover, while they head down an increasingly dark path. regardless, all you really want is a sense of autonomy! unfortunately, you're very likely to die before that happens. the audience will be so caught up in the grief your death causes the protagonist that they forget to grieve you as a person. you deserved better, but unfortunately this is not your story. maybe it should have been.

desperate narrator

this story is a cycle, and you're spinning around it like a hamster in a ball being tormented by a cat. you know how this story ends. after all, you've told it a thousand times. but you try to change it every time. you love the people in this story more than anything. so watching them fall victim to the narrative breaks you in a way you can't begin to describe. but all you can do is tell the story── their story── with tears in your eyes. you're prone to anxiety and feelings of helplessness. you have so much love in your heart, and for once you wish it would change something. it didn't. it doesn't. it won't. but you refuse to stop telling the story. and you refuse to stop loving the people in it. in this way, no one is stronger than you. you just wish being strong hurt less.

bold protagonist

you're the star of the show, baby! and boy does that come with a lot of emotional turmoil. you have a seemingly endless supply of determination. whether you have a lot of goals, or one big one, you're constantly working towards it. you're pretty restless, and struggle with imposter syndrome and generally feeling like you should be doing more. your insecurity might not be immediately obvious to others, however, as you come across as very strong and bold. vulnerability is not your strong suit, and that's likely to be your downfall. if only you had just let people in, and asked for help... well, maybe this was always gonna be a tragedy.

[niuxita21]

THANK YOU. I've been SAYINGGGGG. It's like all this "we need more complex female characters" energy went out the window the moment Princess Patt stepped out of line, it's really bizarre.

I understand it all. The seeming contradiction between being a lesbian and also opposing her niece's own same-sex romance. Someone somewhere else mentioned that in the book none of her reasons for being against Anin and Pin have to do with homophobia, so I would have liked some of that to be made clearer on the show, but nonetheless, I understand her need to overcompensate with Pin to keep her from making the same "mistakes" she made. Also, this isn't just because it's 1950s Thailand. I have heard stories of gay parents not accepting their gay kids in modern-day Latin America so, y'know, it's not like this is some big convoluted obstacle made up unnecessarily to keep Anin/Pin apart. It happens.

I also completely agree about her actions toward Pin once she agreed to the marriage. I really appreciated her standing up for Pin against Kuea with respect to letting her keep Anin's ring. Many saw this as too little, too late, but given that marrying Pin off was non-negotiable (and not because it was Patt's wish purely for funsies), this literally was the least she could do for the niece she loves like a daughter. And yes, I also really liked how she conducted herself after the wedding was called off. She spent the entire episode being unable to face Pin (only being in the same room as her when she was asleep, which was a nice detail) because of how remorseful she was. I do hope she gets to apologize to her in person and perhaps even tell her about Princess Im. It will be a huge missed opportunity otherwise.

I had a different interpretation of the "I want to see if you will stop breathing, too" line. I read it as typical parent rolling their eyes when their child tells them that they'll literally die if they're not allowed to see their boyfriend/girlfriend whom they have been with for a month. Maybe it's because I'm old, but the melodrama of teenage romances does absolutely nothing for me, especially when they get in "it's us against the world" mode. And yes, I know Anin and Pin are not teenagers, but they're young and sheltered enough that questioning what they could possibly know about love is a valid point. I saw it more as Patt's elegant, royal way of saying "Give me a fucking break, no one dies from a broken heart, you're gonna be fine." Harsh, maybe, but it was a moment of heightened emotion, with Pin literally begging her on her knees, so I can see how at some point Patt just could not anymore (I mean, *I* was rolling my eyes a little at the drama of it all, so I understand having that reaction. Again, maybe it's because I'm old.) (ALSO. Friendly reminder that the big love of Patt's life LITERALLY DIED. Not in her arms but close enough. And she survived the pain. So again, I can see why she'd be like "Oh you think THIS is a tragedy?? Child, you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" (is that how the song goes?))

Lastly, yes, she is THE most beautiful woman in Savettavarit palace at any given moment, so is it possible that I wouldn't have given her the benefit of the doubt to such a degree otherwise? Maybe. But these are the cards we have been dealt with. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I feel like Pattamika is getting some unfair hate. I understand how some (western) people might be put off by her politically incorrect values: the period-accurate internalized homophobia, the corporal punishment, and just her general strictness that can seem over the top to a modern western audience.

But you have to put this into perspective. This isn't modern America, it's 1950s Thailand. 1950s Thai royalty no less. Family honor and reputation is a big deal for anyone, especially the royal family. She is under a huge amount of pressure to maintain a standard of proper behavior and raise her neice accordingly. Gay marriage simply isn't an option. She sees Pin going down the same path that brought her only pain and does what she thinks she has to.

And even then, as awful as the whole wedding arc is, she tries to find small ways to show compassion to Pin and Anin within the rigid societal framework that restricts them. She goes out of her way to let Pin keep the ring Anin gave her even if it makes insecure douchecanoe Kuea feel threatened. She doesn't personally approve of the ring and what it represents, but she's kind enough to compromise on some things to make the horrifying ordeal of comphet as bearable as possible for Anin.

Even the infamous "I want to see if you will stop breathing" line is not motivated by malice but informed by her own trauma. She had to see the woman she loved die without any of the support Pin and Anin have. She shouldn't have taken her trauma out on Pin in that moment, but it is understandable that she would see her problems as melodramatic in comparison.

What I especially love about her is how she responds when operation comphet falls apart. She doesn't double down or blame anyone else. She takes full responsibility for her mistakes and expresses admiration for Anin's bravery in openly declaring her love for another woman, something she never did in her time. She only holds off on apologizing to Pin because she is ashamed to face her after failing her.

She's a wonderful complex character, and she deserves to be appreciated, flaws and all. This is exactly the kind of complex female character we want.

She's also just really hot, guys. I'm sorry if you can't see the apeal of a dommy milf spanking a younger woman but there is beauty everywhere for those with eyes to see it.

[iwritestuff-maybe]

“Your beauty never ever scared me”

A/n: oh my god this probably has 8 bajillion inaccuracies from the og content😭 (After Dark with Roxie Clark by Brooke Lauren Davis) and I’m so sorry about that. I love love love this book sm please read it I beg. I’m trying my bestest I promise. This is kinda fast and shitty but yk😭😭

~R

“Rox, just listen for a second-” I’d just finished my tour and I tried a little…stunt for the first time. You see, I run the best (and only) ghost tour in town! I take a group out on a hike and talk about ghosts yada yada. Well to make tonight extra scary I decided I’d be dragged into the river during this stop, the legend went that a woman had drowned in the river and if you looked hard enough in the water, you could see her face. My stunt was completely safe I’d done it a billion times before the tour! I had Tristen help me make this pully thingy that would drag me into the river to make it look like the ghost had dragged me. It would be terrifying! Now of course I didn’t tell Tristen what I needed it for specifically…I didn’t want him to worry about his best friend! So anyway the tour is running smoothly and I do the stunt. I stay underwater for a while and someone jumps in! They wrap their strong arms around me and pull me up to safety…Tristen. The tourists cheer thinking he’s saved my life.

“What were you thinking?” “Tristen-” “No. What were you thinking. Roxie you could have died” all the tourists had left by now. “It was perfectly safe Tristen I promise.”

I didn’t blame him for worrying his brother had been murdered and he couldn’t have any more tragedy so soon. Especially since I was a Clark… the women in my family are cured to die tragic deaths except for my grandmother, me, and Skyler my sister. For whatever reason we got skipped.

Tristen looks like he’s waiting for an answer.

“I just wanted it to be scary”“Yeah it was scary as hell. Roxie I can’t lose-” “you wouldn’t have lost me” “Rox, just listen for a second!”

“When I had to- when Colin…” he didn’t want to say what happened to his brother so I just nodded “it felt like my world-just- stopped like everything was frozen like I’d feel nothing forever, if I lost you- ” he thinks about it for a second with tears in his eyes “If I lost you, God I’d-” I don’t know when I’d started crying but once he saw my tears he wrapped me in a hug totally disregarding his own. And we stayed like that. We stayed like that for a while.

“Can I drive you home? It’s dark I wouldn’t want you all by yourself”

“Ok. Sure, I don’t really want you to be alone either.”

[knife-at-a-knife-fight]

I think there’s a beautiful comedy to the fact that every person who has ever said “you can rely on me. Call me or text me if you need me. Tell me. I want to be there for you. I will be there for you if you ask” has also very much failed to pull through when I’ve asked for help - most multiple times. And I mean Every. Single. One. without fail. Every single time.  Some have fallen asleep on me.  Some have gotten distracted and stopped responding.  Some have just not responded to begin with.  Some have had phones die and didn’t want to get a charger Some have read a text as being more aggressive than it was intended (I am still a sarcastic shit, even when pseudo-crisising) and left in a huff rather than giving me a chance to explain that that’s not how i meant it. 

And if I wasn’t a performer and a comedian, i would think that’s terrible. But honestly, from an objective point of view, i think it’s hilarious.  It’s verging on a greek tragedy while having the format of a long running sitcom or a comic strip

It doesn’t matter the scenario or the other people involved, it will always unfold the same way. I will be offered help again and again and again and again. I will refuse every time. They’ll give me open offer after open offer after open offer. I’ll say repeatedly that I’ll keep it in mind. They say they mean it. And I really think they do. I really think they do. 

And then, on a bad night after a bad week from a bad month in a year that’s been trending downward more than up, I’ll send a text, maybe make a call, and ask if they’re busy. I don’t blame them if they don’t respond or say they are, I’m only talking about the times where they say they’re free to chat. They ask me what’s up. They ask me if i’m okay. 

And I’ll beat around the bush for a while. I’ll talk about some random thing or another, or I’ll ask about them. And eventually, I’ll explain. I’ll explain how I feel and that things just aren’t going well and that i just need Someone to be there for me. 

And this, my friends, is the point at which they stop responding.  Usually after a bit of a longer message (or a string of shorter messages, more often than not), but when i finally divulge the truth, everything that’s important to know about how i’m doing in that moment, they disappear. They go silent. 

I’m not sure if it’s Cassandra never being listened to, or Prometheus and his eagle, or Tantalus and the water at his feet, or Echo and her love for Narcissus, but surely it can’t happen any other way. It’s set in stone from the start. Nothing else could have happen or could ever happen. 

The set up is the same, and the punchline is reliable. It must be a comedy because if this was a drama, they’d call it lazy writing. It’s the same story, over and over again, with slightly different details, but the same plot. And I have to laugh, because what else am i to do? 

If it was one person once I would blame them, but how am i to blame anyone but myself when it has been more than a handful of people, and every single time, without fail? For this degree of consistency, the issue must be with me. I don’t know how, but it must be. 

And at the end of the night, I’m the one to pick myself up off of the bathroom floor and wipe the tears from my eyes, and get a glass of water to soothe the dehydration headache setting in. I wash my face and look myself in the mirror, my phone without a single message on the counter. I put myself together again, not them.  Not because I don’t let them.  I ask. I ask them to. I beg them for help.  But every time, it’s been left to me. 

And I put myself to bed, and I pretend I’m alright the next morning. I wake up to a text apologising half the time, and I tell them that it’s okay, it’s not a big deal, I was - and am - fine, “just a little overwhelmed and frustrated, it wasn’t important.” And they say okay.  And it’s set up to happen again. and again.  and again. 

and again. 

and 

again. 

[vaspider]

Pete Buttigieg is not the fucking point.

Truly amazed at the people whose big takeaway from that thread is "you hate Pete Buttigieg" like buddy did you not... read... all of it?

I genuinely don't give a shit about Pete himself. If you think this is about Democratic self-devouring or whatever the fuck, please mentally substitute Ellen or George Takei or Rachel Maddow or your favorite Other Respectable Gay. I hear some dude named Rubin is even a conservative who is getting turned on for adopting a baby? I don't know who he is and I don't care (do not tell me, I do not care) but if it makes you feel better, substitute any of those names.

I think the ones that actually make me sad are the people who keep insisting that 70% of people support gay marriage, and that I'm just 'acting out my trauma', and we won't see things turn against us, we're perfectly safe now, how dare I say that cishets won't put themselves out for us when it counts, it's different now.

Honey, 99% of people want tomorrow to go on pretty much like today, and what they'll support when it doesn't cost them anything has nothing to do with what they'll support when it does. Those of us telling you 'we were abandoned before, and we were the ones who took care of us then' aren't telling you because we're incorrigibly bitter misanthropes. I am annoyingly hopeful, actually, and in love with humanity and the beauty of life. Seriously, I have to write poems about it because I love the universe and all of humanity so fucking much. One of the things I love about humanity is its fragility and its uncertainty. I love the ways in which we fail.

And humans, over and over again, turn our eyes away from tragedy.

If you are lucky enough to have cishet friends and family who will put themselves out for you when it really matters, that is fucking fantastic. That's not nearly universal, and I'm afraid that you're going to find out sooner rather than later that it's far less universal for you than you'd like to believe.

At the end of the day, you can believe me or not about all of this. You can say that I'm just a bitter old transfag, an angry old dyke, a traumatized old queer if it lets you sleep better at night, if it allows you to just close your eyes and say 'this is all going to be fine, because 70% of people support marriage equality!' and get some rest. I can't make you pay attention.

And the thing is? I'd love to be wrong. I would absolutely love for every cishet who has ever said "one of them" or said "well, I mean, I just don't want to see it, they can do whatever they want in private" or whatever to turn out to be the raddest fucking ally the world has ever seen. I know it can happen! My in-laws went from being Baptist homophobes to getting weekly chatty update phone calls from the two trans women refugees from Latin America who they housed and helped get their papers sorted and who are now living in New York and call them Mom and Dad. Like, truly, it can fucking happen!

But you can't count on that from the vast majority of people, because when it comes down to it, most people want tomorrow to go on pretty much like today. You're much more likely to be able to count on someone with a dog in the hunt.

More than that, though, the point of that essay -- which, when people miss it, they miss it so hard that it feels deliberate, honestly -- is that all of our bullshit infighting doesn't mean dick. I've been saying that for years, begging people to think inclusively about our community, begging people to stop all the bullshit infighting because I could see this shit fucking coming, you didn't need to be Cassandra to see it coming but sometimes I felt like I was screaming until my throat was horse, the fucking tsunami is coming, it's coming, motherfuckers, can't you see the way the water is pulling back?

And here we are, and all the arguing about whether bi lesbians are "valid" doesn't matter, and everyone's attempt to gatekeep butch and femme doesn't matter, and everyone's arguments about whether neopronouns are bad doesn't fucking matter because we are all just fags, dykes and trannies to them, they do not care for one fucking second about any of this. None of them care for one second about our infighting. No one is going to stop and ask you what your orientation is so they can call you the right slur when they're gaybashing you, kids. They. Don't. Care.

So now here we are, and people are acting like the point of the essay is that I wanted to call one particular dude a fag, rather than that it doesn't matter how perfectly primed you are to fit into Respectable WASP Society, it is your queerness which is objectionable. It is your gayness. It is your transness. It is your bisexuality, your asexuality, your lesbianism. You will never be granted rights and respectability. You have to defend your rights, and stop giving a shit about respectability as a metric of whether or not someone deserves them.

I mean, for fuck's sake, some Iowa voters tried to withdraw their caucus support once they realized that Pete was gay. It literally fucking happened. There's video. Someone they supported above all the other candidates in the Iowa primary was immediately disqualified for them to the point where they tried to retract their support the minute they found out he was gay.

That's the fucking point. I don't care who you use as your Proxy Respectable Gay.

Pete Buttigieg is not the fucking point.

[avastyetwats]

The hurt in his eyes confirmed that perhaps Flint’s words were too harsh, but he was obviously trying to make him jealous and Flint didn’t exactly appreciate that. And though his own words may have been a little cruel, they were the brutal truth and it was also said with venom towards Eleanor herself. “She treated you horribly, Charles.” He breaks the silence, then, not wanting him to feel upset or hurt again. “But now she won’t. She can’t hurt you like that anymore and if she tries to seduce you back into bed, you can tell her to fuck off.” He grins. “Or I will.” Which probably wouldn’t be good for business, but he didn’t give a fuck. Her power was limited. She didn’t control their lives like she thought or liked to pretend she did and it wasn’t like they needed to make their living here. If they were human, if Flint was human, it would be a different story. But he was a vampire and could find life elsewhere and adapt. If he had to. He didn't exactly want to leave Nassau or this life behind, but if he had to, then we would.

I just wanted someone to love me.

Flint somehow heard those words within Charles's mind and he hadn't even meant to read his thoughts. It was accidental or perhaps... Charles shared those thoughts with him without realizing it. Regardless, it broke his dead heart and he frowned, looking down at him. Love wasn't something Flint actively looked for throughout his life, but it seemed to always find him. Not once, but twice now, and it hurt like hell the first time because of what happened, so he didn't want to live through that kind of pain again. Despite wanting to be loved and wanting to love without shame. And without any sort of tragedy occurring. But again, love eventually found Flint without him even trying and he sure as hell didn't want to lose this one. It was always a possibility, although a slim once because of what he was now and how hard it was to kill vampires. But still, there were those that knew of their kind and made it their life's mission to dispose of him. He'd kill anyone that tried to take Charles from him.

So when he begged Flint not to leave him and brought up how much it hurt when he just left him on the cold floor, he felt that guilt swallow him whole again. "I have no plans, or intentions, of leaving you." He answered honestly, then sighed. "Earlier when I... left you like that," he started, swallowing. Talking feelings like this was hard. "I just... don't really talk about my past or make it known to many so it took me by surprise when you brought it up," he hadn't done so directly, but talking about the pain and loss that he could feel within him brought about that trauma. "And I didn't take into account that you'd be able to feel what I've felt, or what I feel... it was startling. A little terrifying if I'm being honest," He admits with an apologetic smile, chuckling. Then he swallows again and takes a deep breath. "I've... loved and lost." His eyes close, then. "His name was Thomas. Thomas Hamilton and he," he clears his throat. "He's... why I'm... this." A vampire. Not in the way that it was his fault, but that losing him is what lead to Flint becoming this monster.

"I'm sorry for what I did earlier," The way he reacted so coldly. "Just didn't expect it and I didn't want to relive those memories but I didn't want to keep them from you either." He deserved to know. He wanted him to know. Because they were bonded. They were... mated. "I fear losing you the same way I lost him, or... in anyway, so no, I don't plan on leaving. Would be hard to do, anyway, since I made you and we're now... mated." Sounded so strange to say that word out loud, it made him chuckle. "And you better not fucking leave either. You try and I'll hunt you down." He smirked, though he didn't expect that to happen. Not with how desperately Charles wanted to be reassured that he wouldn't leave.

So he kisses him again, just as soft as the first kiss, and he runs his hand down his face and to his chest, over his dead heart and stopping on the raised area of his skin. His brand. He wondered what happened to him, why he'd been branded and... when. He remembers seeing it so many times before when he was shirtless and had always wondered, but now more than ever. Though he wasn't sure if he should ask about it considering he kept that part of his life locked away like Flint did. When he was comfortable enough, perhaps he'd share.

Can’t be a fucking night pirate. Hearing him say that made Charles visibly wince. He wanted to be out in the sun. He liked the sunshine and warmth. To think it was now gone, and that it could be sometime until he saw it, or ever felt it again in a non-lethal way? It was depressing to say the least. How was he supposed to live now? Held up in the hold of Flint’s ship? Fuck, that was too close to feeling trapped. It was a feeling he never wanted to feel again after being a slave once himself.

Charles sighed heavily as he didn’t exactly give him the best news. It made him look away. He couldn’t help being mournful about the fact he’d lost the sun. But his attention was brought back when he spoke of abilities. “ Makes sense. Always wondered how every dimwit in Nassau wanted to follow you. “ He smirked. Fuck, even Eleanor chased after Flint but he couldn’t blame her for that. Confidence was a damn sexy thing and Flint oozed it. He was hot as fuck too.

He rolled his eyes at the comment about his cock, looking down at it a moment and then back at him. “ I don’t think anything’s changed about that since turning. “ He idly chuckled. He squeezed his arm. “ It’s been hard for you not to look at it. “ If anything Charles was an observant fucker. He often enjoyed people watching, figuring out what every other soul was up to. He was a conniving pirate, and a damn good one at that. “ I guess you know now why Eleanor was always in such a good mood every time I fucked her. “ Another cocky smirk, as he ran his fingers down his arm, tracing it gently.

[mggpleasedontlookhere]

a glimpse of maybe

summary: spencer never really got over maeve - no one can truly forget their first love... that doesn’t stop his best friend, y/n, from trying. 

word count: 1,464                                                                                        reading time aprox: 6 mins

warnings: themes of unrequited love, angst (my specialty)

a/n: first fic back! This can be read by anybody - no specificity in features, gender, etc. Please let me know if I’ve made any errors regarding this. 

masterlist

Jealousy is described as a white hot anger that burns behind your eyelids, paralyzes every muscle, and turns you as green as a swamp. Well, whoever said that must have been a complete idiot… or a lucky fool who has never experienced the depth of longing for someone you can’t have. 

Instead, coldness surrounds you and bites at your veins with ferocity. What they don’t tell you about is the constant emptiness that fills you whenever he looks behind your eyes to try and get a glimpse of her - if there even is one. 

Spencer disguised his grief well; longing stares that I believed were for me, but in truth, were the remnants of her. When he started to reach for my hands and suggested we hang out more, I should’ve known then. Maybe it’s partly my fault - maybe I fell in love with the idea of a blissful tragedy that was bound to happen. 

-

“Spencer, may I remind you that I’m the one with the PhD in Chemistry here. Don’t try to tell me about my own dissertation…” Spencer takes his bottom lip under his teeth with a sly smile, a subtle tell that he was about to protest. “...and just because I technically haven’t received physical proof of my degree, doesn’t mean I’m any less knowledgeable than you, Mr. 187 IQ.” 

He shrugged his shoulders and immediately raised his hands in defense. “I never said that,” he argued while I stared at him pointedly. “I’ll just take my three PhDs elsewhere–” 

“Here we go again with your smart-ass attitude,” I scoffed playfully, burying the smile behind my unimpressed visage as he took pleasure in making me laugh - a ghost of a satisfied and happy glint in his irises. I haven’t seen him so… normal until now. 

A butterfly stretches its wings inside my stomach as Spencer begins to regain a youthful color to his skin. A comfortable silence washes over us as our laughter dies down into nothing but warm glances shared between us. A much too familiar bubble swells in my chest and engulfs the space in my lungs, preventing air from reaching it. 

One. Two. Three new freckles strayed from the top of his eyebrows to the tip of his slightly tanned nose. The amount of times I’ve told this persistent man to put on some sunscreen is incredulous - I can already see the breaking of DNA from the abundance of UV exposure. 

At least he’s getting more sun - he’s going out more. That’s good. Yes… it’s good. You know what’s not good though? Skin cancer. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Spencer broke me out of my trance, throwing an old crumpled up post-it note at my face. 

He really needs to start cleaning up this place. His living room had turned into Oxford’s long lost library archive or a Barnes and Nobles’ recycling dump. Spencer hasn’t really fixed up the place since… 

I make a mental note to help Spencer spruce up the place once he’s ready - and to get him some SPF 1000 while I’m at it. What are best friends for? 

“I was actually just thinking about how much you must be begging for skin cancer,” I teased, taking the crumpled up note and setting it on the side table to cast to the garbage, later on. “But of course, maybe that’s something your three PhDs can defend you from too.” 

“Who’s the smart-ass now, Y/N?” 

“You’re right… we can’t have two smart-asses now, can we?” I sighed, relaxing further into the loveseat I sat in, tracing the stitching that lined the leather material. “Is that offer of you taking your business elsewhere still up?” 

Tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek, he leaned forward with a cheshire smile and a look that was out-of-character for him. “Is that what you really want, Y/N? Cause half of my business practically includes you in it,” he admits. 

I suppressed the blush that was threatening to bloom on my cheeks. Averting my attention from his prying gaze. “I get it, Spencer. I’m the most interesting part of your life,” I half-heartedly joked; a part of me longing for it to be true. 

His lips quirked at my quick response, that bright glow in his eyes making another appearance.

Maybe this time, it can be true. 

“You look good like that, Spencer,” I commented with underlying hesitance. 

“Like what?” 

“...happy. Like you're happy.” 

‘I love seeing you happy… happy with me’ was what I really wanted to tell him. 

“I am happy,” his eyes subtly trail down from my eyes, to my nose, and finally, to my lips. “I feel nothing else whenever I’m with you.” 

My lips parted slightly in desperate need for air. In that moment, the mess of the room was gone, the sunscreen forgotten, and the mental barrier lifted. Heat swirled in my stomach and crept up my throat. The butterflies raced inside me with grace, leaving me lightheaded in the moment. 

“You’re only saying that because I’m the only one sane enough to keep hanging around you.” I attempt to brush off his suggestive tone, fearful of mistaking it for genuine interest. I tucked my hair behind my ears, grounding myself back to bleak reality. 

“You know for someone who’s almost has their PhD–” 

“–does have.” I interrupt. 

“...who DOES HAVE their PhD, you’d think you’d figure out to stay away from a guy who can only handle one person in their vicinity. What if I was a psychopath?” 

“I never said you weren’t,” I cut in. 

“Smart-ass.”

“Such a smart-ass,” we retorted simultaneously. 

We broke out into a gleeful fit of laughter, amused at our telepathic nature. The bubble in my lungs only continued to grow, only this time I wasn’t suffocating. I guess living for the hope of it all was enough to feel this way. It was then I decided that maybe the wanting was enough. 

I wish you were my smart-ass. Mine.

“You’ve always known what to say, Y/N,” he teased with a doting tone. 

I didn’t bother to hold back the loving grin that graced my lips and the admiration that poured out of me because in that moment it felt like he was mine to lose - and only mine to love. 

“I love when you smile like that - your dimple shows up just at the surface of your right cheek. That’s how I know I’ve really made you happy.” He presses into his own cheek, leaving a temporary impression of his finger. Something deeper settles into his eyes as his smile cracks subtly. “...Maeve had the same indent on her left cheek - one of her prettiest quirks.” 

And just like that, reality sets in. 

He may have been mine from the start… but I never really was his, was I? 

All at once, that warm bubble shriveled into nothing but a cold and sharp cacophony of hope that had been stricken down. My esophagus constricted around the razor-sharp words threatening to slip by my lips - a stinging sensation imprinting itself on the walls of my chest. 

I lost all focus, swimming around desperately in the concaves of my mind for some sort of solace. My mental attempts bore fruitless to the sharks, that were his words, endlessly tailing me. The emptiness and despair threw my body into an indescribable numbness - a contrast from the searing wetness that hid behind my eyelids. 

…silence.

All my impulses, insecurities, and irrationality formed into one, throwing away all sense of decorum and decency. I bit my tongue, immersing myself in the taste of iron to distract myself from the unpleasant thoughts. 

Why would you say that, Spencer? 

I wanted to scream, claw, and fight. I wanted to feel anything - anything else but this. 

Why is it never me?

But I also wanted to bring Maeve back. I wanted Spencer to truly be happy again. Not just for a moment of happiness… of love. 

Am I too hard to want (like the way I want you)?

Sometimes I wish I can turn you back into a stranger, Spencer. Only then I wouldn’t be yours just to hurt. But you were right though… I never want you elsewhere. I want you here, a blissful wound that I will willingly carry any day just to get a glimpse of ‘maybe.’ 

But I didn’t dare to say those words, not to him - never to him. My tears retreated back into their sockets as I embraced the numbness that came with reality. I flicked the post-it back into the expanding mess in the room, where it knows its place. 

“...of course, Spencer. I feel nothing else when I’m with you.” 

-

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[astaroth1357]

How Often They Worry about MC…

For those who don’t know, I have a little dog named Charlie and she is a large portion of my world. There's no need to be alarmed, my dog is fine, but there are days where I hold her and all I can think about is how much I worry about her health down the line… I suppose we often do that for the people we love, particularly the ones who may not last as long as we will. Take that as inspiration if you'd like.

Lucifer 

Near constantly. 

If you tracked his blood pressure on a grid, you'd see it start to continuously rise about when he decided they were worth having in his life.

Lucifer is the eldest sibling to a whole crew of brothers so he's no stranger to worry. He worried about his brothers when they were young, he worried about them after the Fall, and he still worries about them now (even if he's less open about it).

But a part of him knows that his brothers can handle their own, at least to varying degrees. The MC, though? He's far less sure…

They've proven rather resilient, but also headstrong and reckless. Neither of which are good things to be in a place this dangerous...

If Lucifer isn't careful, he can catch himself staring at a wall or window just wondering where they are and if they're doing alright… If he called them every time he had a passing worry, their inbox would be full by the end each week.

He holds himself back because he doesn't have the time to constantly protect them, but that doesn't stop him from sending a text once or twice a day. They better respond or he'll start (secretly) panicking.

Mammon

He forgets their mortality from time to time, but every time he remembers it hits like a ton of bricks…

Mammon is a pretty "in-the-moment" person. He doesn't spend a lot of time dwelling on the future, but whenever he does the thought of losing MC always comes back to him again and again.

Like. It's gotta happen eventually, right? They're human, humans die, hell they don't even live that long to start with!

The MC can always tell when Mammon's getting worried because he'll get uncharacteristically quiet and pace around or hover by them…

Every little injury or strenuous task will suddenly seem like too much to him as well. 

If they need to carry some boxes, he'll carry them all.

If they have to jog to class, he's carrying them. 

If they so much as get a papercut, he'll have a heart attack.

It's not very hard to get Mammon out of these funks - he really does want them to reassure him that they're okay - but he's never going to get fully over it…

Not until he can steal whatever top secret immortality formula Solomon must have used anyway… He'll get it off that bastard eventually.

Leviathan

Thinks about it so often he has to actively try not to just to get any peace…

He dodges his fears for MC like a protagonist dodges lasting consequences. Every time he feels one creeping up, he's always got a distraction waiting…

"Hey where's MC at? I hope they didn't fall into the riv-OH HEY CHECK OUT THIS NEW GAME!!"

"What are they doing over there…? That looks hard, what if they bre-WAIT DIDN'T MY FAVORITE VOICE ACTOR JUST RELEASE A NEW PODCAST???"

"What if the MC dies tomorrow and they leave me all alo-DEVIL FIGHT 200! YOU CAN'T BEAT DEVIL FIGHT 200, LET’S BREAK MY HIGH SCORE!!"

Cut him some slack, his psyche cannot handle the idea of losing them on top of everything else he grapples with every day.

If, on the rare occasion, he does let himself fall down that rabbit hole he becomes extra clingy and practically begs MC not to leave his room… like ever. He'd bubble wrap them if he could.

Anytime they get really hurt or really sick he refuses to leave their side even if it means he has to awkwardly sit on the floor. He just needs to be able to glance at them every so often to be sure they're alive… Still breathing?? Phew…

Satan

He worries, preps, rationalizes, then worries again…

For Satan, knowledge is power and every scrap of information he can learn about MC is more power he can use to keep them safe and healthy.

Yes, he will want their medical history. Yes, he's going to need a list of prescriptions. Family members too. And no, you do not get a choice.

He'll read up on as many things as he can - pawn medical journals off of witches and get magical alternatives from Solomon.

The cycle usually goes: 

1. He's lying awake at night because he just heard about some terrible bacteria that makes human's skin peel off or something.

2. He does all the research he can on this bacteria, its treatment options, best prevention methods, etc.

3. Gets right about to break out the rubber booties for MC to wear around, then realizes they have a very slim chance of catching said bacteria since it's only native to incredibly remote parts of Indonesia.

4. Feels instant relief that MC will probably not catch flesh-eating bacteria and can finally sleep again…

5. Hears of some other human medical horror from Solomon and starts to worry…

It's a vicious cycle indeed… But at least he's getting a lot of medical training. Soon enough he'll be the Devildom's version of a human vet (which I guess is just a doctor, come to think of it. 🤔)

Asmodeus 

Lives so "here-and-now" that he doesn't remember often, but when he does it's always heartbreaking…

Asmo usually tries to worry about things as little as possible. It’s bad for the skin, you know? But when the MC is involved, all of that goes out the window.

Like how a delicate blossom eventually wilts in the snow, the MC is bound to leave them in time… Usually there's supposed to be something beautiful in that kind of tragedy, but perhaps he's just too close to them to find any romance in it.

The thought of their death gives him breakouts and anytime they get hurt or sick he's the first brother to offer them comfort. Every time.

Because he doesn't feel like he's as physically strong as he brothers, he tries to make up for it by minding their health in other ways. Anything to keep his MC strong and beautiful as always!

If Asmo is in a worrying mood, then he may also compensate by trying to take the MC out to a party or some fun event. Why sit around worrying by himself when he could be making memories with them now, right?

Beelzebub

It comes in waves, mostly at night.

When your thoughts throughout the day are mostly, "I wish I wasn't so hungry," it doesn't afford you a lot of time to think about much else.

In a way, it's a good thing since he experiences a lot less stress. But those worries are still there and they mostly plague his dreams…

Beel doesn’t feel hungry when he's sleeping, so a lot of his fears will make themselves known overnight. An injured or dying MC is often in his rotation of nightmares though, of course, he'd rather it not be…

After having one of these dreams, his first instinct is to always make sure the MC is okay. If they're with him, he'll hug them and check their heartbeat. If they're somewhere else, he'll go to them or shoot a text.

He has woken up without realizing his nightmare was all a dream though, and usually it's up to Belphie or MC themselves to console him while he cries… It's so heartbreaking, sweet boy just puts a lot of pressure on himself to be sure they're safe…

When he worries, it's like they're the most beautiful and expensive China set in a room full of bulls and hammers. If he could tape them to his side, he probably would. He gets scared for them that much…

Belphegor 

More scared about it than anyone else in the House.

Despite his calm demeanor, Belphie is truly afraid of losing his loved ones beneath the surface… He's already lost one of his most dear siblings before, going through that again may just break him.

Unfortunately, he's also felt just how fragile the MC is firsthand... He's not even the strongest of his brothers, yet he was able to snuff them out so easily… Who's to say someone else won't try?

Like Beel, MC's death is a recurring nightmare for him but he can usually shake off his dreams fairly well, if not change them mid-sleep. More scary is when something is actually wrong with them or they're not feeling well.

Belphie always sets his inner laziness aside for the MC when he can. If they get sick, he'll usually be right along with his family to take care of them - even if he has to skip school to do so (not that he cares about class anyway).

When he's worrying about them, he tries to play it off at first, but soon enough they'll notice him acting overly concerned and losing sleep… Best to calm him down before he starts getting cranky.