#rather than ''do so because its genuinely good for you''
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"my ambition" - part three | the prequel
➸ pairing: jayvik x fem!reader ➸ word count: 4.5k ➸ tags: mdni! minimal nsfw, fluffly, poly relationship, relationship beginnings, blossoming love, s1 act 1, no mention of y/n, alcohol use. ➸ notes: so excited to get this out! had a fun time giving this relationship history and i spent way too much time overthinking whether the ending was too rushed or if it was too self-indulgent... and then i realized its a fic so i get to do what i want LOL! pls let me know if you would like more parts, or if you want some drabbles about this specific trio. i would really appreciate it.🥹
<- part 2
You had always been academically gifted. Rising to the top of your classes each semester, pushing aside anyone in your way. Especially for a young woman, who had been accepted into the Academy before you had even finished your secondary schooling – a gifted student with the proudest of parents and professors.
Born with an influx of ambition flowing through your veins, knowing from a young age your duties to the world. It took more than wordy false promises to make a difference to Runeterra, it took action. That’s why you vowed to help Zaun.
What better way to take action, than to help those who had been long forgotten about. You were smart enough to see the way the city had been tossed aside, forgotten about, while Piltover only continued to grow and thrive. There was sickness festering underneath, people dying because of the less-than living conditions and poverty that swallowed it whole.
There were many days when you wondered if it was too much, if you, as a topsider, could actually make a difference. Would anyone want your help? The bigger question being – how were you going to help?
Then, you met Viktor.
That was when your ambition rose higher than ever. A smart, young man a handful of years older than you – a man from Zaun himself. The youngest assistant to the dean, a title that was hard to come by, and rather jealousy inducing.
You’d weaseled your way into his life quite easily, finding him in the halls and striking conversation whenever you could. He was polite, and good at slipping away when your attention became overbearing. You couldn’t help your over-excitement for a scholar from the undercity. Someone who matched your levels of ambition. Someone who was able to teach you about the place that had been nothing more than whispers and off-hand comments by your peers.
You fell in love. Quickly, and hard.
Viktor, too. It was your smile, your innate excitement, the genuine intrigue you had of him and how he was able to share the experiences of chronic illness with someone who wasn’t just a damned doctor – someone who understood the pain. How could he not fall in love?
Viktor found himself appreciating you more and more with each passing day, wondering when you’d sneak through the halls to find him to share your newest revelation.
Wondering when he could be expected to be pulled into a broom closet so you could ravage his lips with your own. He hadn’t been so experienced with romance until you appeared in his life, content with focusing on his studies at the academy. You changed the trajectory of his life—and so had Jayce.
-
”Hextech?” You raised an eyebrow, sitting on a stone bench within the academy courtyard and holding a half-eaten apple in your hand, “I don’t know. Sounds… unstable,” you murmured honestly, looking between Viktor’s eyes as he stood in front of you. You took another bite, the sweet flavour calming you.
You had to admit, as much as you were uncomfortable with this new scientific breakthrough, so to speak, you had never seen Viktor quite this excited about anything.
“Precisely,” Viktor said, eyes practically shimmering as he spoke to you, “that’s why you’re going to help.”
“No way,” you huffed, standing on your feet and waving him away, “you just told me that all the work got confiscated, how the hell would I even help?” You spoke in a hushed whisper, as if Heimerdinger himself was listening in to the conversation.
“Eh, confiscated is a loose term,” he said, taking a step toward you, a gentle hand on your shoulder. You tensed at the touch, turning your head from his gaze and shaking your head adamantly.
You had morals, and perhaps you listened to the dean a bit too much at times. Science was incredible, but ethics were important, and the explosion was proof that it was an unpredictable type of magic. If Heimerdinger made the call that hextech was unsafe, a yordle with decades over your own experiences, then you should listen, no?
“It has the capabilities of helping more than just the city,” he urged, fingers tightening on your shoulder, “Please. Let us show you.”
Those words tugged at your heartstrings, leaving you conflicted as your heart yearned to know more. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes momentarily as your mind reeled at all the possibilities.
The first image to pop in your mind was the proper union of Zaun and Piltover, an incredible feat that no one could ever pull off. No more distinction between the two – just one beautiful place to live. Your dream.
Could hextech really be the key?
“Fine,” you sighed, crinkling your nose and opening your eyes, “but I’m under no obligation to like this Jayce guy, he sounds like he doesn’t know how to properly take care of his research.” You looked up at Viktor through your lashes, watching the way the corners of his lips curved into a small smile, “Why are you smiling like that?”
—
“Crank it!” Jayce exclaimed from his chair, eyes full of childlike wonder, as Viktor stood at the chalkboard, crossing through equations and murmuring about the research he was still properly acquainting himself with.
You, however, stood next to Jayce, chewing hard on your bottom lip as your partner agreed with his words.
It all seemed fine, plausible, even. Yet, you remained apprehensive.
“And it if it doesn’t stabilize, what then? Part two of the great blue explosion that destroyed your apartment?” You asked, eyes focusing on the man sitting, his honey-coloured eyes shining as they watched you. Your stomach twisted tight, hating the way he made you fill with butterflies.
You knew him for less than twenty-four hours, and he already had you twisted around his fingers. Gods.
It was completely unfair to be caught between them both.
“It’s worth a test,” he was adamant, then a sigh left his lips, “but we don’t have access to my equipment.”
“Which is being destroyed tomorrow,” Viktor murmured, eyes back on the chalkboard and fingers touching his chin as he was lost deep in thought.
You jumped when Jayce stood quickly, the chair he sat on nearly toppling over.
“What?” he asked, panic rising in his throat.
“Oh, yeah,” Viktor cringed, looking over his shoulder at Jayce, “Sorry. I meant to tell you.”
You could sense the way Jayce was teetering on the edge of a breakdown, his breath hitching in his throat as he rambled on about how it was his life work, how they could show the council the equations to show them the proof. There had to be something!
But Viktor was right, proof wasn’t reliable on paper. They needed physical proof. A real test.
“We can’t do it without the crystals. The enforcers took them all, they’re gone,” Jayce ran his hands over his face as he collapsed onto the chair once more, deflated from the situation.
Your hand rested atop his shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze, much like Viktor did with you when you were overworked. Jayce flickered his gaze to you, those puppy-like eyes offering a silent ‘thank-you’.
“Mhm,” Viktor hummed, “locked away in Heimerdinger’s lab,” he continued, eyes settling on you.
“No,” you were quick to know where he was going with this, “Count me out, we are not breaking in.”
“She’s right,” Jayce said, eyes widening, “you heard the council, if we’re wrong–”
“Better be right then,” Viktor interrupted, and Jayce’s eyes sparkled with possibility.
You felt a tightness in your chest, shaking your head as you took a step back. The two of them spoke back and forth, but you hadn’t been listening. Just as you reached the boiling point, you turned on your heels and took a step away, but Jayce was quick to turn his attention back to you. He stepped forward, hand grabbing your wrist, and you felt your heart jump up into your throat.
“Stay,” he pleaded, hand tightening.
You huffed a loud sigh through your nostrils, brows creasing together and lifting. Gods, why did he have to be so goddamned charming? You hardly noticed the curious look that Viktor gave you two before rolling his eyes and turning back to the chalkboard. The smirk on his lips well hidden.
“Fine!” You snapped, pulling your arm from his grip, “but if we get caught I’m telling everyone that you two made me do it. I am not taking the fall for this.”
Jayce grinned, a toothy smile that lit your cheeks aflame, “Deal.”
You stayed a few feet behind the two men, arms crossed over your chest, as you careened through the halls quietly. You were hardly a rule breaker, in fact, usually a stickler for keeping peace. It was in your nature, like many topsiders.
When the three of you reached the door, you felt panic rising as footsteps echoed down the hall from where you had just come from.
“Shit,” Jayce whispered, “hurry.”
Viktor was fiddling with the keys, fingers filtering through them until he found the one for Heimerdinger’s lab. With practiced ease, he slipped the key into the door lock, twisting back and forth until it clicked.
Both you and Jayce were standing side-by-side, watching a flashlight in the distance, pointing in your direction, but too far to pick up on the three figures breaking in.
Viktor opened the door, and they stepped inside, but you were frozen. Unable to tear your gaze away from the enforcer that had been doing patrols and walking right toward you.
“Ah!” You gasped when there was a harsh tug on your arm, stumbling into the laboratory and crashing against Jayce’s chest. Viktor closed the door behind you without even the slightest creaking – a perfectly silent entrance.
“You've never broken a rule in your life, have you?” Jayce smiled, eyes watching you with curiosity as you pulled away from him yet again. You opened your mouth to answer but Viktor cut you off.
“She is a law-abiding citizen,” he answered, supporting himself on his cane as he walked further into the lab, looking around for the confiscated equipment.
“Can you guys keep it down? They’ll hear us.” You whispered, pushing past Jayce. Annoyed, and thankful the redness on your cheeks wasn’t visible in the darkened room.
“Huh,” Jayce grinned in response to Viktor, walking behind you as he looked around the lab, “you’re not kidding.”
“Shut up.” You hissed.
Settling in the lab, you stood off to the side, peering at some of Heimerdinger’s books as Jayce scrambled to find the pieces of his work. You listened to the sounds of the electrical whirring as he welded the parts back together, lost in thought as your fingers traced over the spine of a book.
A hand lifted to the small of your back, startling you for a moment.
“Sorry,” Viktor murmured, eyes watching you.
“It’s okay,” you chuckled, smiling as you leaned against him. Silence grew between you two as you slowly dropped your hand from the bookcase. You glanced at Viktor, biting down on the inside of your lip in habit, “Do you think hextech really has the strength to help people? Like us?”
Those honey-eyes softened as they flickered over your nervous expression, and he nodded, “I do.”
With a deep inhale, you tried to let go of your apprehension to the situation. This was for the best. If you wanted to reach your dreams, you had to run over a few toes, right?
“It’s all here,” Jayce called from his spot at the table, pulling the goggles off of his face and turning to look over at you two.
Viktor held up a blue hextech crystal to you, one from the handful that was confiscated, and when you offered him a questionable look, he insisted with the forward movement of his hand. Slowly, you reached out and took it in your fingers, feeling the rigid orb press against your skin.
This was it.
You pressed a kiss to his cheek before making your way to Jayce, who had been looking at you two with a small smile.
“Here,” you said, offering the crystal with an open palm as you stood next to him, Viktor coming up beside you.
Jayce reached out, taking the crystal, but not without a lingering touch to your hand. Viktor took notice, a sparkle in his eyes that you hadn’t noticed as you watched in curiosity as the hextech crystal was placed into the machinery.
It glowed a bright blue hue, sparks from the crystal illuminating the room. You had never seen anything so beautiful.
“It’s time to crank it!” Viktor said excitedly as he snapped close one of Jayce’s notebooks he had spent time looking through the past few days, looking in front of you and toward Jayce.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” He asked, growing uncertain as Viktor sucked back a breath and shook his head.
“Do it,” you interjected, eyes wide as you stared at the beauty of the hextech. The inner scientist in you couldn’t be tamed any longer, you needed to see what this could do. It was almost addicting, and you couldn’t look away. It had sucked you in completely, “you have to try.”
They shared a look between each other, swallowing lumps down their throats. Viktor leaned forward, pressing the button of the machine, and it began to spin. It gained enough speed that it created a constant blow of wind that pushed your hair back wildly – electric currents flying wildly.
“I don’t think it’s going to hold!” Jayce said loudly, the electrical crackling of the machine deafening all other noses, “look at the buildup!”
“The resonance will stabilize it, trust me,” Viktor returned, sharing a thoughtful look with Jayce, an attempt to calm him.
You, however, were unable to look away. You stared at the wild glows of blue, a smile on your face, and blissfully unaware of the enforcers that were making their way up to the laboratory after seeing the blue light shining from the windows of the lab.
Moments later, the chaos settled, and you gasped with a big smile, hands slamming on the tabletop, “this is incredible!” You exclaimed in awe, watching as it stabilized.
Viktor smiled to himself, his hand finding your back yet again, “told you it would work,” he said encouragingly, eyes flickering to Jayce, “all yours.”
“It’s never done that before,” he murmured to himself, unable to tear his gaze from the slowly spinning crystal that sent waves of electricity to the surrounding runes, “...alright. Here we go.”
Hesitantly, he reached to the button Viktor had pressed, twisting the knob several times, so the surrounding runes began to spin and orbit the crystal.
You watched expectantly as Jayce twisted it over and over, creating different pathways for the crystal to spark energy. You couldn’t help but lean closer, even when the out flowing electricity stung your cheeks.
What the three of you hadn’t expected was a surge of energy to blast out, nearly toppling you all and breaking the lab’s windows. Within the impact, you fell right into Jayce with a yelp. Strong arms wrapped around you as he reached for the knob, and you clung to him, face buried into his chest.
The energy was strong, and for a moment you prepared for the untimely death of three scientists who just wanted to change lives. How fitting.
Then, the glass from the window flew back into place, as though time around you reversed, causing a brief moment of respite and enough time for Jayce to push forward and slam his hand on the button. The crystal fell back into place, and you were all able to breathe.
Slowly, you peeled yourself away from Jayce, feeling around your face and body to make sure your body was still completely intact.
“Incredible,” Viktor beamed, smiling, “we need to try again.”
You and Jayce shared a look, silently agreeing that it was now or never. And for you, there was no more backing out.
This time, you took a few steps back, not wanting to be caught up in the aftermath of a worse explosion, but still curious enough to peek over their shoulders. As you settled back, you swore you heard sounds coming from the hallway, but it was hard to tell over the crackling sounds of the hextech.
Pressing your ear against the door, you closed your eyes to focus, and you gasped.
“Someone’s coming,” you told them, hands holding the doorknob tight, “you better hurry.”
Viktor took a few steps to the door, sliding his cane through the handles of the door so it was snug, “better than nothing.”
The two of you shared a startled gasp, the rattling of the door loud when the enforcers reached the door and began to hit it with force, kicking and yelling for you to open up. Heimerdinger was with them.
“Stop this lunacy at once!” He called from beyond the door, and your gut twisted in guilt.
A few more heavy kicks and the door creaked.
“They’re almost through,” Viktor said, turning around back to Jayce’s side, “no pressure.”
“That sounds like pressure!” Jayce yelled, working hard to synchronize the runes with the knob. He looked over his shoulder at you, who was now pressing against the door with your weight. With each kick of the door, you huffed, doing your best to keep them from pushing it in.
A rather heavy kick caused you to stumble, but you got right back to it, watching over your shoulder as Jayce closed his eyes and focused on the hextech.
Your attention was pulled back to the door when the cane cracked, and you tried to push against the door, but it was no use. One more kick and you’d be goners.
But the hextech won.
The sound of another surge pushed you against the door, and you panicked at the intensity that felt like it was going to crush you, and then suddenly… you were weightless. You turned to Jayce and Viktor, eyes wide, as you all had begun to float up into the air.
After one more kick, they broke inside, but the surge reached them, too. They stumbled back, while you had started laughing.
It was incredible, absolutely incredible.
“Excuse me, underfoot,” Heimerdinger spoke, pushing past the enforcer and stepping inside his lab, gasping when his eyes landed on you three.
You were nearly touching the ceiling, floating with your belly to the ground and caught slowly spinning between Jayce and Viktor. Your giggles erupted into a fit of laughter, unable to control it as you twisted around in the air.
Jayce flicked a piece of metal, where it floated through a glowing blue orb that was just above you, and it shot out right at Viktor. You collectively gasped, taking everything in.
This was magic and science blurred together, a medley of perfection. Hextech worked. You did it!
“Will you please stop hovering?” Heimerdinger spoke, looking up as you spun your body around, touching and prodding at debris.
It was like swimming, you were able to push yourself, and you accidentally collided against Jayce, the two of you sharing a laugh. You couldn’t quite place it, but as your eyes caught his, you felt something – like a mutual intrigue of each other. Was attraction too strong of a word? Your cheeks reddened, matching his own, then he cleared his throat and turned his gaze away.
“I’m not sure how to do that, sir,” Viktor finally responded, pushing toward you both and smiling as the three of you moved around together smoothly, not touching. Floating. Feeling free.
Like all things in life, it didn’t last. The surged power of the hextech settled, and thankfully it was a smooth descend that kept you three from any broken bones.
Viktor had been wrangled by Heimerdinger, only after a good verbal lashing that included you and Jayce. Blabbering about the rules, ethics and how dangerous this was. At the end, your partner had been whisked away for damage control, trying to explain everything and to keep any of you three from penalties and punishments.
It left you and Jayce to clean up, gathering everything together into the back area of the lab, still in awe over everything that had happened.
Once finished, you stepped out into the brisk night air first, somehow still chipper enough to bounce down the steps while Jayce hustled behind you. You hadn’t been so inclined to do goodbyes, but he stopped you with a hand on your wrist, much like earlier. It sent a shiver up your arm.
“Wait,” he said, and you faced him, battling the redness that crept up your neck as you tried to remain composed, “will you stay?” he asked, grip loosening on your wrist, “to help us, I mean.”
“With the hextech? Of course,” you answered, rolling your eyes playfully, “Who in their right mind would see that and not want to explore it? That was incredible, Jayce. You should be really proud of yourself.”
A smile lifted at the corners of his cheeks, the compliment doing wonders to the insecurities that lie deep within him.
“Wanted to make sure,” he eventually said, dropping your wrist as you both ventured away and into Piltover, toward your homes, “I like you. Well, I mean – you’re good to have around. Smart, you know.”
A giggle bubbled up, a hand lifting to your mouth to try to stifle it, “you’re a dork, just like Viktor.”
Jayce smiled at you, biting down on his bottom lip as the two of you ventured down the streets together, “how long have you two been together?”
The question was quick to fluster you as you met Jayce’s curious gaze. You wondered if the question accidentally slipped out, and you could ignore it, but you could tell he was waiting for an answer.
“Oh, uh, just a couple of months. Officially.” You answered shyly, hands clasped behind your back as you walked side-by-side.
“That’s nice,” he murmured, “...so, has he always been so absurdly intense about science? Don’t get me wrong, I like everything about his ambitions, he’s a great guy for even wanting to help me. He’s just—“
“Surprisingly eccentric?” You laughed, nodding, “when he gets excited about something, it’s like his brain goes haywire. I suppose that’s the way of being an ambitious innovator”
“Yeah, I suppose so,” Jayce smiled, quietly admiring you in the moonlight. Studying and memorizing everything he could.
The two of you ended up walking around aimlessly, indulging in small chatter as you shared your hopes and dreams. You shared nearly everything you could about your life, and he told his story about him and his mother, and how that sparked his discovery towards hextech. It was easy to talk to Jayce, to get lost in his voice – he was just so damned kind.
Nearly an hour passed when you finally approached your apartment, which was rather close to the Academy. The two of you had simply taken a few detours around the neighbouring streets.
“Trust me, if you want to get on the dean’s good side, then you need to…” your voice drifted off when your eyes settled on a certain individual sitting outside on a stone bench. Broken cane in his hand and looking up at the sky. “Viktor!” You called out, rushing ahead, “if I had known you were coming back to mine, I would’ve hurried back.”
He turned to look at you two, raising a curious eyebrow and smirking as Jayce slowed his pace behind you, “I have only been here a few minutes, it’s all right.”
You dug around for your keys in your pocket, walking up to him and outstretching an arm for support as he stood. He could walk relatively okay without his cane, but you still enjoyed the way he would lean on you. It became habitual between you two.
“I should leave you both to it,” Jayce cleared his throat, giving an awkward wave as you two ventured toward the apartment.
“Why don’t you come in?” Viktor asked, motioning for him to follow.
You looked up at him in interest, figuring the two of you would be falling asleep the moment you got inside. Nonetheless, you went along with it.
“No, no, it’s late. I don’t want to overstay–”
“Come inside, Jayce. We don’t bite.”
Viktor was convincing enough, or perhaps Jayce had too much of a soft spot for him because he was quick to accept the invitation.
It ended up being a great night, the three of you crowding around your kitchen table. Drinking some nicely aged wine you had hidden away for only the most important occasions. You celebrated your shared success and discussed everything hextech, the possibilities and what you hoped it would provide. You shared laughs, especially as the night went on, and you had all begun to feel a bit delirious at times as the sun began lighting the sky above the horizon and the wine settled in your stomachs.
“Well, I hate to be the one to end the night,” you smiled, sleep beginning to win its war over you, “I’m tired and sore, I should get some sleep.”
“Yeah, I should get back to mine, or, what’s left of it,” Jayce agreed with a dampened chuckle, eyes flickering out of the window to gauge the time with the colour of the skyline.
“Why don’t you stay the night?” The question fell from your lips much too quickly, unsure if it was your overt politeness or an underlying desire that lead it, “if you’re okay with that.” You shot your gaze to Viktor.
It felt like hours, but the few seconds you took to share a look said lots. A silent agreement about your shared feelings for Jayce.
“Sure,” he answered. A shy smile tugged at your lips, and your lover turned back to Jayce.
The man seemed a bit uncertain, and maybe a bit too tipsy to understand the looks thrown at him. His amber eyes jumped between you two, “I’ve intruded far too mu–”
“Stay.” Your voice mixed with Viktor’s almost too perfectly, in complete synchronization.
“Okay.”
The night became a blur. It was Viktor who had led you both to the bedroom, the wine clouding all judgment from the three parties and allowing you to just be. To indulge in each other without wondering what would come next. To allow yourselves to act on attraction and lust with nothing holding you back.
“I’m glad you stayed,” you murmured, lips lingering along the stubble on Jayce’s jawline. Viktor, who was behind you, peppered kisses along your bare shoulders.
“Me too,” Jayce breathed in response, hands careening your naked body and intertwining with Viktor’s fingers with they met over your hip.
“Let’s stop talking,” Viktor mumbled with a quick nip at your skin, the confidence in his voice sending a shiver down your spine.
Jayce wasn’t quite certain how he managed to be wrangled in by you both, but he wasn’t going to complain. Not when, for once, everything felt right.
#jayvik x reader#jayvik x you#jayce talis x reader#viktor x reader#viktor x you#arcane x reader#arcane x you#arcane jayce#arcane viktor#arcane fanfic#jayvik#jayce x reader#jayce x you#arcane#jayce talis fic#viktor fic#wordsbyspatial#too many tags loool
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(on anon bc i keep my main sfw) hi i just wanted to say i recently encountered a few of your posts in the wild and it brought me to ur training guide post and holy shit FINALLY SOMEONE WHO GETS IT?? in my normie life i am both an animal trainer (dogs and cats! train your cats!! its good for them!!) and studying to be a therapist (for humans), and i genuinely detest the overall kink community's obsession with punishment. even a basic understanding of the psychology of learning should teach you that punishment is ineffective and kind of shitty.
i know so many subs who have forced themselves into a punishment-focused dynamic they hate or feel excluded from the scene entirely because they aren't down with punishment. i hate that it happens and I'm so happy to see someone else preaching the good word of actual properly implemented positive reinforcement, and showing subs that they don't have to be treated like shit to engage with kink.
like its so pervasive and thats really tragic and upsetting. I remember in the early-ish days of my relationship with one of my partners where we were first integrating kink into our relationship, there was a night where she broke down crying in my arms because she felt guilty that she didn't want to incorporate punishment into our dynamic. bc she had been given the expectation that her job as a masochist was to misbehave and be punished, rather than actual fun s/m sessions.
i hate that theres an expectation not just for subs to be punished, but for doms to want to punish them?? like ppl will treat you like you're a bad dom because you DON'T do punishments. its crazy and i wish one day for a world where no one, dom or sub, pushes themselves into a punishment dynamic that isnt fun or useful just because they feel like theyre "supposed to." and I'm so happy there are other people that share that vision and want to help our community get there.
this might be an incoherent ramble idk i just wanted you to know theres someone out here who really appreciates what you're doing. 🩷
Ohhhh my goodness anon show your face so I can kiss you!
Punishments have no place in a healthy d/s relationship
If you want to be hurt then say that, if you want to hurt someone then say that, hell if the idea of doing something to someone and them legitimately not liking it turns you on then say that too. There are people out there who mirror your desires
Arghhh this topic makes me so worked up
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ok. so. viktor is my favourite character in arcane. i am also physically disabled and hate the Magical Miracle Eugenics Disability Cure trope with a fiery passion. naturally i have a lot of opinions about where his character is going, but for now, here's a relatively simple one:
internalised ableism has always been part of viktor's character. he describes himself as "a poor cripple from the undercity" (yes, quoting how other people speak about him, but still); he shies away from the spotlight even when jayce encourages him; as a child, he directly acknowledges his disability as the reason other children don't associate with him.
i watched a video essay recently ("how arcane writes men" by schnee) that identified viktor's tendency to just suck it up and push through his problems rather than dwelling on them as a stereotypically masculine trait, which he is written to both subvert and lean into. whilst i agree with that to some extent, i think for viktor specifically it's more of an insight into a very common mindset for disabled people to have; a lot of us do not want to be pitied, and understand that acknowledging our hardships will often unfortunately lead to being treated as attention seeking. he doesn't dwell on things because he can't, unless he wants to be looked down on more than he already is; he's already had to fight to even be acknowledged as more than somebody's assistant, or respected as a zaunite living and working in piltover. i can't imagine he's keen to show any further "weakness"; he only ever cries when he's alone. it makes sense that he'd want to save himself rather than relying on anybody else.
the dangerous thought process of "fixing" people with the hexcore begins with that desire to save himself. at first he's just trying to stop his illness from killing him, but then he progresses to carving runes into his leg, seemingly in the interest of fixing his limp - which works, albeit temporarily. he seems aware enough of the implications of what he's doing to be somewhat ashamed of it (or, at the very least, enough to hide it from jayce). i've seen a lot of (mostly able bodied) people interpret the scene of him running down the pier as victorious, but it always felt bittersweet and scary to me; the dark, painful fantasy of "fixing" the thing the world has always looked down on you for, and the unsettling knowledge that you were never supposed to exist that way. a man experiencing a moment of joy only when he has detached himself from a core aspect of his being; self hatred disguised as progress. he only seems to register the horror of what he's doing when it kills sky.
it's not a leap to say that, with the hexcore dulling his emotions and blurring the lines of his ethical code, he would turn this externally. self loathing so insidious that he mistakes it for kindness and mercy and points the blade of it at the people he swore he'd help. before merging with the hexcore, he was desperate to destroy it and rid himself of its influence, hindered only by his physical inability to do so; under its control, he's seemingly lost all those inhibitions, wiped clean of his understanding of its danger. no longer "clouded by emotion", no longer human enough to know better, no longer suspicious of the arcane.
what viktor becomes in season 2 is, i believe, a hellish mix of his own internalised ableism and the hexcore's desperation to spread and survive. his genuine desire to help people has been warped into stripping people of their individualism, forcing them into some predetermined ideal in the name of healing (very "the empty child" from doctor who). it's his own character flaws mixed with the inhuman apathy of the hexcore. the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and also dressed up so nicely that you don't even realise you're headed downwards.
this is not what viktor stood for, but rather a perversion of his own insecurities, with a fresh coat of hexcore paint to stop him (or his followers) from scrutinising it too closely. they took the guy who dedicated his life to bettering humanity, and warped him into something doomed to destroy it.
(or something like that. idk. i haven't slept.)
#tl;dr viktor is definitely veering into villain territory and i think we need to be critical of his actions in s2#but despite the uncomfortable angle. there's a lot of nuance to his character and i would not be surprised if there r disabled ppl on the-#-writing team#idk!!! i love viktor a lot and watching him become the antithesis of himself is breaking my soul into pieces#og#arcane spoilers#spoilers#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane#arcane viktor#viktor arcane#arcane season 2#arcane s2#ableism tw#ask to tag#self harm tw
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HI I DID A RANT ON THIS AND I'M SOOO HAPPY TO GUSH ABOUT THIS AGAIN
"just before Evbo's arrival and before the corruption of the Parkour Champion, most if not all of Parkour Civilization's culture is about progression and improving"
I also have this like interpretation of the culture of Parkour Civilization and how it changes depending on what 'Era' its in
Im making like 3 blogs dedicated to the topic, they're in my drafts but I'll summarize what I've thought so far in relation to what you talked about
(in readmore bc very big wall of text :p)
There's 3-4 Eras of Parkour Civilization. Pre-Corruption, The Era Of Stillness/Stagnation, and The Era Of Evbo
in Pre-Corruption, around the middle of it, a big part of park civ is all about progression and improvement
The ranks was made by the first Champion, the systems surrounding it were made by the Champions that followed
Parkour Civilization used to expand continously, new parkour tricks and new systems being made or discovered at least once a year
Back then, there wasn't as big of a 'rift' between the different ranks. Especially when improving started to become even bigger of a focus in the standards of society. Lotsa people used to rank up like once every other month. So its more like getting promoted in a workplace
Ranks were merely privileges and luxuries, but it never became part of anyone's identity. It was a badge to be proud of, yes, but its expected/common/idealized for one to still try to reach for more than settle
It wasn't until the Champion in season 1 that Parkour Civilization came to a full stop.
The Era of Stagnation/Stillness
New rules and systems were implemented to not only make ranking up impossible, but also completely removed and went against the highly respect concept of Progression
Just like how the Champion is settled on staying The Champion, he had to make sure everyone is under that belief too
Noobs aren't just ranked as a noob, they are a noob. Pros are are a pro, etc etc. The ranks started to also become one's genuine identity than just a rank of skill, more than ever in the history of Parkour Civilization. It convinces people to settle with the rank they are 'born' with, even if there's an option to rank up, it's always been secondary to surviving now.
Im willing to bet there used to be some kind of education system in Parkour Civilization that taught parkour and how to do it, maybe even Parkour Language, across all the levels
But that entire system was removed by the season 1 Champion because it absolutely helped people get better too good and also he doesn't want them to know what Parkour Civilization used to me and that most of it was discovered overtime by parkourers rather than having had always existed.
"Everything had always been this way" it encourages people to not change, not to get better, because nothing's ever changed! Even if its not true, they dont know its not.
uhhhh penis penis idk penis it took me 30 minutes to write all this for some reason
i forgot my point i juhst wanted to ramble
the other extra era i had was The Beginning Of Parkour Civilization, when Cookiegod created Parkour Civilization and worked with the first Champion to create the basis of the Civilization. But that's more around the territory of Parkour Religion than park civ history
I should dedicate some time to think of what Parkour Religion is like hmm hehe...
Hey thanks for doing that government analysis! Idk much abt government structure so writing around that was proving kinda difficult n your thing rlly helped
I do have a question though, if someone was planning on writing something that might poke some holes or point out flaws in the system, what do you think are some things that might be considered? And if those things were to be changed how do you think that might affect how the system works as a whole?
(ik for sure the way it works realistically doesnt particularly account for things outside of moving up, like disability, lack off skill or straight up disinterest. despite being a commune the general societal norm seems pretty individualistic, not to mention the dictator bordering on godlike despite their only requirement being "good at parkour" seems like itd be bound to cause problems; see: evil parkour champion and the glass legend, etc)
Thanks ^^
Hello tysm for the ask this message made my day! Id love to talk about this more!
My main gripe with the way Parkour Civilization government is structured is the rigid hierarchies, in a place where your skill level determines everything in life, you'd expect there be more room to grow and oppurtunities to ascend. Having the levels where everyone is surrounded by people of similar skill sets and pretty much never being able to experience what a higher skill set even looks like is just used to keep people in line with their groups and not know how to reach higher.
I think the overall idea of being divided based on merit is fine. it's the lack of intermingling or education about the other layers and how to get better that should be changed. I mean, as seen in the pro layer, people aimlessly build parkour courses to try and train for the master level, and they never quite get it.
The divided structure also easily makes room for classism, even if all layers were given the same food, materials, and housing, the fact the lower levels simply dont have access to basic knowledge about the extent of parkour (again, the thing their entire society is based off of) keeps them dumbed down, and hinders them from excelling, while the master level has access to the knowledge and practice of so much more parkour. The education difference makes an easy opening for classism and bullying to occur between layers ( which in Parkour Civilization, actually does happen as seen with how the pros treat the noobs, and how the masters even bully eachother based on how they parkour, which again is a sign of upbringing and education. )
#parkour civilization#parkciv#pkciv#parkour civilisation#park civ#pk civ#pkciv spoilers#ghoust headcanons#ghoust writing
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yeah its important to have interests that arent just for children as an adult because at the end of the day it’s good for you and the way you percieve media overall to have a variety of things that you like but like you also shouldnt make fun of adults who are passionate about childrens media and imply theyre stupid for it. i think both of these takes can exist at once
#i dont like how some people are taking ''read a book for adults'' as ''do this so you are less cringe and stupid in my opinion''#rather than ''do so because its genuinely good for you''#and even so if someone likes childrens media and they like to analyze it and theyre not being a jackass to kids about it#just leave them alone? sometimes that's just what their interests are and thats okay. it makes them happy#and i hate to be That Guy but uhhhh. yeah theres an overlap here w nd adults#not all of us but certainly a good amount bc some special interests are so strong that they last throughout childhood#past an ''acceptable'' age#and again not the case for everyone but like most autistic adults i personally know are into childrens media#and have been into a specific property since they were a young child#and thats just autism like im sure for people with down syndrome and others have a similar experience#and even if they like something recent like bluey like. who cares it is not hurting you#echoed voice#and it also annoys me that most posts like this have people going ''um well fandom moms are annoying tho''#or even worse literally implying there's inherently a sinister motive#as if its not common for adults to get mocked for being childish and naturally get defensive#and as if every single adult into a pbs show or toh is inherently a bad person or something.#bc people will go through several mental gymnastics to defend being a jackass over something not socially acceptable#before they go ''yeah thats kind of rude sorry''
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fr tho @staff why are you trying to make tumblr more like other sites why are you destroying your niche in the market please there have got to be ways to make tumblr more accessible to new users without sacrificing the very things that your existing userbase loves
#its a genuine problem... I have had friends sign up for tumblr and then not use it because they dont know how to navigate non-algorithmic sm#but come on. there have got to be ways to build up the onboarding process so that people learn how to search for blogs + content#and/or ways to create separate contained algorithmic feeds OR to create the option to turn the algorithmic feed off like it is rn#and honestly I do think tumblr's focus should be more on 'how do we convince people non-algorithmic is good'#rather than 'how do we become algorithmic'#there's gotta be a whole angle in there right??? something like emphasizing that on tumblr you find the content YOU want#not the content we want you to want#also the whole thing about drawing in new creators. have they talked to existing creators??????? bc I dont know that they want algorithms#i dont know I just think tumblr will never be able to do the algorithm better than sites like FB or tik tok or even twitter#so if they try to become algorithmic they will fail to meet the standards of new users AND they will drive away the existing userbase#its a bad look. this is your niche. play to it. thats marketing 101
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GOD there is nothing more frustrating than being like oh Yay there's a guitar tutorial for this song I want to figure out how to play and watching it and it's just like completely inaccurate . Like nevermind then
#'its definitely not what hes playing but it sounds pretty good' genuinely So happy for you thats completely fine and its genuinely#impressive you like reverse engineered a slightly different guitar part that works with the vocals but i just cant do this im way too#particular for it not to bother me that i would rather choose banging my head against a wall by watching various videos of him playing it o#stage and trying to pick apart what hes doing and spending hours and hours trying to figure it out and eventually giving up#than play this approximation soooo im gonna go do that 👍 because unfortunately thats how my brain works but its okay#brian daddario if youre reading this can you please send me via email the exact tablature for the solo acoustic arrangement of#corner of my eyes that you play at shows please and thank you xoxoxooxoxoxox because im going crazy not being able to play it exactly#i really dont mean this to be snarky because the guys uploading the tutorials like i mean it thats so impressive and way more work than i#could and will put in but its just like i dont want to spend all my time learning somerhing and then its wrong because it just drives me#crazy even though no one cares but its the autism like i just cant do it#im fully 100% certain ill end up never learning this song because i wont be able to figure out exactly what hes playing but i will try#anyway but its gonna take me weeks man#AHGHHHHHH i just wish someoen else had already done it lol
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since this is more serious im gonna drop the emoticons and typing style because i do genuinely think this is a problem within the scene community. obviously op is harsh and using not so tasteful slurs (seemingly very frequently. i get this is most likely trying to speak like the era of classic scene but its driving away people that don't agree already with the usage of slurs and in fact the constant use of the slur on the blog just kind of seems like trying way too hard to sound like someone from the 2010s (which isnt a bad thing! i mean i literally do it but using slurs and hateful language from the era is not really. that great to do. ) however. on the actual topic i do think this is important to talk about. new age scene kids (specifically those into scenecore) have a really bad problem about stealing RANDOM peoples pictures and tagging it in quirky scene posts. i 100% get it though if it's someone for example like Kiki Kannibal and Ambrehhh is Dead(this is just 2 mentions but theres many more popular in classic scene). i do not personally see an issue with using people in the culture who WANTED to be popular and had some sort of musical presence. but people going out of their way to find the most random instagrams, old tumblrs, or hell even geocities to find random strangers who happen to be scene kids and make edits with them is just kind of . weird? and distasteful? i highly advise to anyone that wants to do this.. just find someone in the scene that's popular or had a history of being in a band or as a musical artist because then it would make sense and be expected rather than stealing people's pictures without their consent and plastering it all on your blog without their permission or approval. imagine if you posted a picture of yourself when you were like 16 on the internet a decade ago and now a bunch of random people are using your face on their blog, pinterest board, ICON?! OR HELL EVEN A MUSIC ALBUM tldr: op has a good point but has distasteful and harmful language that drives the people that it targets to away instead.
hot take BUT
i dont like those tumblr accounts that post 'scene moodboards' or whatever, a bunch of pictures of random scene/emo people with like random cute pixel pics or whatever. did these people consent? do you even know who these people are?? are you scene???
i genuinely h8 accounts that are dedicated to scene and its just pictures of other people taken off pinterest. i dont like to use this word but it is fucking cringe as hell and i literally know some of the people personally in these moodboards and they did not ask to be in them... theres NO credits whatsoever. like bro these are actual people 😭
'scene blue moodboard' with random blinkies and scene kids with blue hair. yeah,, no,, imagine posting yourself online a few years ago for your friends and family only for it to be posted in some 12 year olds moodboard on tumblr or pinterest lmaoo its not aesthetic its random images and kids
just at least give credits please oml
#wanted to say something about the poser stuff because i also kind of agree but ehhh this post is already long enough#pro tip: if you want people to change always be nice about it even if you dont want to
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Absolutely the funniest thing about my current corner of tumblr is that pretty much everyone I've recently followed for Apollo-Appreciating Purposes are either genuinely Hellenist or just rather very into Rick Riordan's Trials of Apollo series which is wild because I know a net zero about both of those things.
#I've never been interested in Riordan's work and the Percy Jackson books I did read as a young lad didn't change my mind on that topic#Growing up I preferred a very one or the other method for my greek adaptational content#which essentially means either you're a play or an adaptation of a legit story or myth with recogniseable figures and plotpoints#or you're an original story with mythical elements but the myths and the adaptations and interpretations of those myths is secondary#Percy Jackson did both and it was very disorienting for me because the books were well grounded enough that when I came into contact#with some element I didn't recognise or couldn't remember I myself would get confused and go “Is that true? like really?? :0c”#Then I ran a library book club and Percy Jackson books were p much all the kids wanted to read#but they rejected all of my supplementary greek myth exercises and got a lot of stuff mixed around#because percy jackson does a rather good job of making a convincing argument that it knows its stuff and people will quicker cite that#than do readings of the much more difficult older texts and translations of text#It's not Percy Jackson's fault it's just a bad experience that stuck with me and by extension leaked over into Trials of Apollo when that#was released#Trials of Apollo was crazy because I generally make it my business to consume any and all greek myth interpretational media that bothers#to include Apollo (there is a shockingly low amount of things that do that)#however a LOT of novels especially never let Apollo retain the dignity of a god in their portrayals of him#and have him resemble a teenager more than anything even remotely close to an adult#I had just gotten finished reading a novel adaptation of the story of Coronis and Apollo with this same issue#so when I opened the first volume of ToA and saw that Apollo simply genuinely WAS a teenager#Frankly I just closed the book and put it back on the bookstore shelf and very calmly walked away LMFAO#I have nothing to say about Hellenists and neo hellenists y'all seem like wonderful people and I hope#you have a lovely time with your e-offerings and worship#unless you are my single personal friend with Apollo as your patron#then I wish you 1000 woes and 10000 divine brain blasts#toa#pjo#ginger rambles
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vsynth has long since been trending towards the uncanny valley of singing but i feel like its been especially pronounced the past few years now that a higher proportion of banks sound nigh indistinguishable from human people. you can only really tell if youre already deeply familiar with each bank's respective engine
#its stunning the amount of progress vsynth tech has made within the past few years#and its been really interesting too seeing like adachi rei rise in popularity almost as a counter to ai vsynth#its admittedly kind of saddening that the industry preference overwhelmingly pushes realistic vocals over mechanical robot vocals#and i mean i know they do come equipped with parameters you can edit to make them sound robotic again but its genuinely not the same#when you have the concatenation ai built into the software and the phoneme transitions are automatically smoothed over#this isnt to say that ai vsynth has like completely overtaken or threatening the Future of Vocalsynth though#there is a significant portion of people who largely prefer the clunky/mechanical/robotic sound of early vocalsynth#which is why i think rei has gotten as popular as she has#and the cryptonloids in particular are forever stuck in the piapro ether so the most we'll ever see of a miku ai#is just ppl messing with the rvc ai voice cloner LOL#i think if ai truly was causing Creative Bankruptcy or whatever then utau would not remain as wildly popular as it is#and part of the reason why utau still remains so popular is because [teto image] FREE SOFT its free!! anyone can use it & develop their own#vb on it too. so like yes you have the matter of industry pushing out these hyperrealistic voicebanks at an overwhelming pace#but individual fans will remain using/developing their own voicebanks (aggressively points to adachi rei again) so long as public interest#stays. hence why i dont think ''big ai'' in vocalsynth is a real threat or anything#referring to them as ai banks in the first place anyway is such a misnomer bc its not the same as generative ai#i do think that the relative simplicity at which realistic vocals are synthesized now does somewhat obscure the monumental amount of skill#it takes to tune older voicebank because that shit is HARD!!!!!!!!!#like with how synthv works it obscures the technical tuning feats of older engines and how massively massively massively impressive it is#to get anything to sound good let alone Realistic on smth like vocaloid2#synthv got popular because its ui made tuning a genuinely intuitive process rather than something that makes you want to throw#bricks at your head so its easy to forget tuning (albeit Still hard) was Much much harder#but at the same time.... ai doesnt automatically make tuning better either#actual plain vanilla ai voicebanks often sound very flat and lifeless if no actual tuning is applied i.e. vibrato pitch change tension etc#its such a beautiful complicated lovely artform#anyways my original thoughts. you unfortunately cant get that mechanical/clunky/robotic sound with. any commercial voice synth#released within the past 3 years#i hope more overtly artificial in nature banks along the same genre as rei catch on in popularity
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habeas corpus – detective comics #1086
(ID in alt!)
#loved this back up feature so much and seeing that bruce timm shit made me annoyed enough to actually transcribe it#first the way hes depicted as having to stand trial and ARGUE and fight for the rights of using the coin#rather than it just being a compulsion and something he must do before a decision....#like every time. every time when he's 'leaving it up to chance'—thats a time when harvey won. thats a time when harvey fought for the right#to use the coin and make it at least a 50/50 chance instead of 'crawling away until the hard part is done' like two face pushed for#every single time. regardless of the results regardless of knowing theres only a halfway chance of it actually achieving anything#or lessening the damage two face can/will do. every time hes fighting for and still believing in a fair trial and that everyone deserves on#it isnt him being weak. it isnt him avoiding responsibility. its him fighting and forcing and pushing for it as hes internally at war#with himself 24/7. even when two face wins he doesnt give up & continues to fight for what he believes in despite the injustice done to him#the way he tells Judge Janus that it isnt about HIM (himself!) while defending the right of existence to the jury of other societal rejects#the way he gestures to himself only at the very end. he asks the judge does that sound like anyone he knows and janus replies in two faces#voice but harvey keeps going. he keeps fighting for others. but at the end in actually acknowledging two face being part of him#(and by extension harvey being part of two face) and how harvey is fighting just as much to have a place as two face is#(but more within his own mind & upholding his belief system still despite knowing how it continues to fail them) and just FUCK#and two faces snaps! how theres no jurisprudence system above there either ! just no one will admit it!#how harvey knows!!! look what happened to him when he was doing the right thing!#look how many criminals and mob bosses paid their way out! look how the police are corrupt!#but still believing in it and how a system has to be in place despite being a direct victim of it as well and just GOD#I LOVE YOU GOOD HEARTED AND WANTING TO HELP PEOPLE HARVEY DENT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS TO ME !!!!!!!!#taking away how he genuinely wanted to help people and bring wrongs to rights takes away literally everything hes built on#it takes away the entire fucking tragedy of his character (and in many ways it changes how bruce himself operates and believes because#harvey WAS a good man doing everything by the books. he was trying to bring justice in the 'right way' and believed in the system. he was#what people tell bruce he should be and look where it got him. look how the system failed 'even the good ones' because the system itself is#corrupt. it isnt flawed—it was operated to oppress and thats why it cant just be fixed but must be entirely rebuilt and why bruce must#operate outside of it. it also gives more depth because harvey is one of batmans first and biggest failures. he didnt protect him.#he didnt save his parents as a helpless child (as bruce) but he couldn't save his parents as BATMAN.#it wasnt just random chance like his parents tragedy but this was calculated and something bruce didnt stop. its ALWAYS going to eat at#him if he could of prevented it by telling harvey his identity. by doing something different. by being more prepared or somehow#knowing it was going to happen. harvey is the face of tragedy in so many ways that cant fit in these messy rambly tags but its ALLL!!!!!!!#bc harv was (and still is despite it all! despite two face!) a good man!! because he originally was a glimmer of hope to bruce & the city!!
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#regarding the liam and maya situation: i have a lot to say that i cannot express in tags and some of yall are still in a huge denial phase#but as i said the day we first knew about maya's book - im believing her. i believe she is a victim. im believing the victim.#i do trust women who make allegations without explicitly showing proof on social media because thats what i stand for. i rather believe a#liar than believing and abuser. with her; with you; and with every women (and everyone) out there even if i don't like her.#if you have a problem with this value i have: i recommend to unfollow me. because i believe her and that won't change.#and the tiktok she posted acknowledging 1d's fanbase behaviour is not only well-worded; but her non verbal language does match what she is#saying. i hope liam can get out of his addiction and i hope he can recognise his actions to be able to change for good; yes. but that doesn#change what he already did. i have plenty of reasons to believe maya - and seeing so many fellow fans saying shit in her comments like#“you're a liar until you post proof” “if you're saying the truth then sue him” “this is pr for the book” etc etc. insane and concerning.#yall talk like cishet men defending their friends btw. the exact same “arguments”...... is sad to see other women saying this. it breaks my#heart. and as someone who is studying PR genuinely fuck yall ???? yall don't even know what tf we do yall just blame us for every shit in#the industry when in reality its not our fault all the amount of crap yall say it is our fault. if i ask yall to even define what we do#im sure 99.99% won't even know the difference between PR/Marketing/Publicity. get my name and my fellow PR people out of your shit ??? wtf?#its diabolical to blame this on PR. seriously whatin the actual fuck. it doesn't even make sense????? fuck offffffff#i hope maya henry may find peace; i hope she can recover and overcome as well as possible. im disgusted by the behaviour almost everyone is#having. im not praying for a downfall or hoping bad things on liam but i definitely won't defend any of this. and tbh yall shouldn't either#on the other side: i hope she better not talk in any kind of way about louis/harry situation#but because that would mess stuff up in multiple ways. they don't need to be dragged in this. at all.#we don't need “official” denials nor confirmations of people that are not them in any type of way.#anyway... how's the weather i guess#maya henry
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Tears of the Kingdom is a year old! How do you feel?
like about the game? the same as i did when it came out. it sucks.
#guys i'm sorry but i'm never gonna like this game. it sucks.#the puzzles are jokes the gimmick gets boring once you have auto hand the world is still empty. the story is uh. well it's there i guess?#there are good open world games. there is a way to make a good open world zelda. there is a way to incorporate good puzzles and dungeons#into a big world. but nintendo hasn't done it yet. i don't want an open world game with a large map i want one with a FULL map#the only good puzzles were the light ones in the lightning temple.#i want an open world with a genuine sense of progression. i want one where the puzzles ramp up as you continue. yes that means limiting-#order of dungeons but its better that way. i'd rather have more in depth puzzles and challenges but have to do dungeons in order-#then all dungeons being the same amount of difficulty and unable to build on themselves but be able to do them in any order.#the only good thing that came out of this game is that it reminded me how much i love zelda. That is. before botw#it inspired me to replay Oot MM Tp WW and play the oracles and i loved them so much better#raven croaks#totk neg#<- for blacklisting#edit: also because i can. It was 70 dollars. it shouldn't have been. Bg3 was 60 and it was so much more of a better and full game than totk
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"Just go over and ask to join a group, it's as simple as that!" Actually no it isn't I've been crying about it for like 2 hours.
#love when im the only one in class without a partner for group work#genuinely like in the top 5 worst feelings imo#its not really a big deal. but it is to me. and it wasnt just “i dont have a partner”#it was “my only friend in this class picked a girl shes known for 4 days over me even though weve been friends since middle school”#love being autistic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot fucking waut until high school is over.#this year has been good so far but i think this specific class is ruined for me.#i need to talk to my teacher because i cant keep having this happen.#like i think this is genuinely trauma for me because ive been experiencing this my whole life and i just cant fucking do it anymore.#id rather do 5 peoples worth of work by myself than work in a group#not exaggerating with the trauma thing. it goes way deeper than i can/would like to explain. but believe me.#ngl the interaction w/ my teacher was a little funny.#like im glad it doesnt seem like a big deal to you mr adult man.#but me personally i just felt a part of my soul being crushed. so..
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what do i have to do to get people to read my stuff actually like im not about to get in everyones faces begging for attention but i dont understand how im expected to make FREE fandom content without much feedback on my work
#ignore my ranting but im actually so fucked disillusioned#like why are there so many people who scream about supporting each other and lifting up small creators#and they never do it themselves unless its their friend#sorry i dont sit at the popular table but i never expected that it would impact my reach this much#my newest fic has more hits but less kudos and less comments than my first#it's so obvious people only interacted on my first fic *because* it was my first fic#and thank you so fucking much to the people who have given me kind words#and literally religiously rbing my stuff because you think im worth listening to#this isn't about me crying because im not popular#people with bigger followings are naturally going to get more attention#but the only reason ive started posting my fics is because all these POPULAR BLOGS were like 'we support each other here!!!'#'were a big family were not a big fandom so any time someone posts it brings a smile to our faces!' blah blah blah#like youre out here lying for clout you literally only leave feed or kudos if its your fucking friend 😭 not even if its good#i guess id rather have less people interacting if it means the feedback i get is genuine and not just blowing smoke up my ass#but it still hurts to write a fic that flops and then write another fic thats over 3x longer than my first fic#WITH A PREMISE THAT POPULAR WRITERS HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT BEFORE AND BLEW UP FOR IT AND PEOPLE IDOLIZE THEIR WRITING#so im expecting to get more feedback and constructive criticism because it's a concept that a lot of people seem to love#only to get EVEN LESS FEEDBACK THAN ON MY FIRST FIC#like sorry to everyone who genuinely likes my writing i actually love you so much#but im very rejection sensitive and don't plan on continuing this. it seriously hurts me. it triggers my abandonment and selfhatred shit ba#like im sick to my stomach that another thing im passionate about is sucking the life out of me & i cant even get my foot in the door#donut rebagel this thanks and goodbye
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#sorry I just#not to complain again but I need to#I hate when I’m enjoying my. 6:30 in the morning and then boom. ship art that I do not want to see#I have all the tags blocked. I have done EVERYTHING in my power to avoid seeing it#and. tis all for naught or something#genuinely like#tag your fucking ship art#literally just put character x character in your tags so that I don’t have to fucking see it#I’m being a big baby but like. I really don’t like seeing it like this one ship drives me up a wall#like genuinely ripping my hair out sends me into a blind rage you make me sick#and it sucks because I love these characters but I’m really starting to dislike one just because of this ship#I’m just. I have to see it all the time and I’m so sick of it#its literally everywhere#that’s my man do you MIND#I love him so much it’s literally suffocating I hate seeing him with anybody else#he’s mine idk what to tell you#I’d rather die than to see him with anybody else ever#okay I’m over it#I’m just. I’m not good rn and this isn’t helping#♡.bullet proof heart
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