#crazy even though no one cares but its the autism like i just cant do it

[mellotronmkll]

GOD there is nothing more frustrating than being like oh Yay there's a guitar tutorial for this song I want to figure out how to play and watching it and it's just like completely inaccurate . Like nevermind then

[morningstarofdawnx]

Franky is autistic af

When I first started One Piece I thought no character could be more autistic coded than Zoro... that was until I got to water 7 and was introduced to Franky. I will list off all the autistic coding in him one by one, starting off with

Franky is a very emotional guy, but only people who are close to him knows this, because he rarely shows any emotion to strangers besides anger and determination. He literally masks like crazy and only shows his actual personality when hes comfortable enough to unmask, some of you may think Im reaching with this but then there is the fact that;

He literally gets introduced with a mask. A MASK. You first see him and think hes this badass and evil guy thats holding the whole town hostage, he talks in a very low tone and never makes it obvious what hes actually feeling, it goes like this until he sees his home and underlings beaten up and gets very very mad!! this ALSO brings me to;

He is incredibly apathetic towards people he doesnt know, but is very empathetic towards his friends, before he meets usopp in his new base and they talk about the merry together, he literally made his underlings beat the living crap out of him when he came to get his money back!! Sounds very rude, but we later on learn its for his dream of making a ship one last time so, HES EXCUSED.

After him and usopp talk about the merry and he hears usopps story, they get closer, and the second that happens he immediately shows his emotional side and starts crying for this random guy he met 2 days ago?! He does this for Robin as well after hearing her story about her sacrificing herself, HE NEVER EVEN MET ROBIN. It shows how much he cares about the people gets closer to, he knows Robin is important to usopp and sanji and even though he doesnt know Robin personally he sees shes important to his friends so he immediately shows his care and appreciation 4. Hes born with superhuman abilities, he can make a CANONBALL out of some random junk he found off the ground, he is shown to be incredibly smart with his main interest being tech stuff and ship building, he didnt even need any training to be able to make very powerful warships, HE WAS LITERALLY SO BORED HE SPENT HIS TIME BUILDING WARSHIPS LIKE HE WAS MAKING TOYS OR SOMETHING?? Autistic characters in media are often represented as these nonhuman beings that are very good at doing a specific thing, Franky fits this description perfectly

5. He has a vocal stim where he says SUUUUPEEEER before words or just says it by itself, its basically his trademark

6. This is like the most obvious one, but hes literally a robot. Hes a cyborg, he built his body himself after getting hit by a train, autistic people both in media and in real life are seen as these robots with no emotions and many autistic characters in media are often represented as robots/aliens/nonhuman as well

7. His bikini his his comfort clothing, he has been wearing it since he is a child and its pretty clear he got attached to is in some way or another considering we never see him take it out ever, there is also the scenes where he does robot things and his bikini literally COMES OFF LIKE ITS PART OF HIS BODY so it can be theorized he made it a part of his body LMAO

8. He dances as a type of stimming. Not even just dancing, sometimes he'd just be standing there and he starts moving his arms and body as if hes bored, which can also be a sign of ADHD but that type of stimming is common in autism as well 9. HE BITES PEOPLE WHEN HE CANT USE THE REST OF HIS BODY. HES A BITER. Nom THAT IS ALL FOLKS! Or at least all that I can think of at the moment, share your thoughts if u agree

[oshidorifuufu]

hi hi hi i’m really sorry for answering this late, i was sleeping. please don’t worry if i sound serious… it’s merely the way i talk.

i’m not sure how to explain why i admire you. i already attempted to do so in the first message i sent, but i think there is something about you that just makes me go quiet and observe with interest. i admire how you still hold on, i think. you’re very strong, i’d already give up if i were subjected to the pain you’re most likely feeling.

about my name…uh

i chose to call myself okochama to get used to the name (as i’m planning to use it if i ever get around to becoming a vocaloid producer or otherwise a content creator). its direct translation would be childish or immature, i believe. it’s a trait i’ve been scolded for by nearly all of my friends, one i’ve been trying to erase from all aspects of my behavior. i try to please people, i really do, but i’ve never been able to stop acting the way it is natural to me. humming and jumping and repeating certain phrases, laughing at or finding wonder in things i shouldn’t. i do not want to traumadump, or experiencedump if you wish (as i believe i do not have trauma from these people), but you get my point. my apparent childishness is my most distinctive, albeit negative trait, and i chose to somehow “reclaim” it and call myself immature, in a way.

i yapped, forgive me.

i only log in to discord a few times a month, so after a very long pause, i decided to check on the server. to my surprise, it grew significantly since i joined. i opened a channel and spotted a very familiar name with a very familiar account theme. it didn’t take long for me to realize you and that luka are the same person, i don’t think i’ve seen another jirai named luka so far.

i highly believe you aren’t even aware of my account, as i usually just lurk or am not present at all. but i think i managed to say hi a few times.

as you can already guess, many word typer okochama

thank you for answering my questions okochama!!! sorry i was wrong i just cant read tone

thank you, for all its worth i do think i’m somewhat mentally strong, i mean a lot has happened and does happen to me but im still alive so…

i feel so happy to be admired, ive never felt that before, or someone caring for me just by me existing..?

thats interesting!!! i wanted to try out vocaloid production for a while too. i actually did buy a voicebank some years ago, it was otomachi una. i havent made anything except for some covers though because i dont know how to make music

also, im not trying to push anything and obv i dont have enough info but have you looked into autism…? repeating phrases especially sounds like an autistic trait but obv i cant diagnose you

i hope they havent got to you too much, and also its totally fine to ‘experiencedump’ here, i’ll try to help you if i can, if you care about my wellbeing i care about yours too

thats so crazy by the way!! yes its the same luka ~ i have actually met another jirai luka but it was luca lol. im not aware of your account and i wont try and search for it but if you ever want to reveal it or dm me you’re totally fine too

thanks again okochama~ >_<

[thylacid]

I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW HAPPY I AM TO FIND YOUR ACCOUNT....... bristlefrost has been in my top five for EVER she is so very very dear to me. autism cat. kind of expanding on the other ask, what are your (most extensive) thoughts on bristle and root's relationship and the ways in which you'd change it (especially based on the lesbian gay man break-up post) and how would you go about giving her and implementing mummy issues w ivypool (definitely not mother of the year already.)?

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS hang on

starting off with bristleroot, my idea of their relationship is really messy. it starts out a bit similar to canon with how rootspring has a crush and whatever while bristlefrost is sorta just dealing with her own stuff (i'll get into this with the ivypool part of this post) but she does think fondly of rootspring since he was nice. its platonic though

it kinda gets a little crazy when shit starts going down in tbc though. rootspring joins the rebels and bristlefrost is more of an actual spy because she is under pressure by every major figure in her life to help stop the codebreakers . she is a teenager

bristlefrost needs something to get the rebels to trust her. she's a big deal in thunderclan at this point and recognized by most as one of bramblestars supporters, which makes it hard for her to suddenly show up at bramblestar hate club. so she uses rootspring's crush on her against him and pretends she feels the same way

things go "well". bristlefrost is, of course, lying to rootspring. but she does actually start to get along with him and its become a chance to bond. she just wished that rootspring wasn't her enemy

eventually word gets out about bristlefrost and rootspring. bramblestar is not happy and threatens exile, but bristlefrost assures him that she doesnt care about rootspring at all obviously!!! but bramblestar wants her to prove it. so bristlefrost betrays rootspring and they fight (DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

bristlefrost thinks its for the best. that she has to do these things. because otherwise shes nothing. she has a lot of very.. complicated feelings for her clan and the code

which leads into ivypool. ivypool is one of bramblestars biggest supporters. ivypool shares his beliefs that the codebreakers should be punished because shes still mad about dovewing leaving even though its been years

ivypool sort of just is??? shes not really a good mom but shes not a horrible awful evil mom shes just... there? its more that shes not a good person more than anything which is why she has made a negative impact on her daughter as she got older. she's.. fine? a bit distant, but both of bristlefrosts parents become a bit distant from her eventually (or more she becomes distant from them. and everyone)

ivypool is one of the people in bristlefrost's life pushing her to be more loyal to the clan. she's proud of bristlefrost for how dedicated she is to the clan when she becomes a warrior early. she's even more happy when shes promoted to deputy. idk

i havent really thought things through with ivypool i cant write sorryyyyyy. i like to think brisltefrost somehow befriends shadowsight and so the two of them kinda get involved in ivypool & dovewings whole . deal

[salaciousslut]

How has your day been so far, sweetheart?<3 also im ngl sometimes when i listen to Igual Que Un Ángel by Kali Uchis i think of you🫣

I'd trust you with my life if i ever blacked out tbh! I dont trust many people around me when im drunk but you give off a really safe feeling so if it were just us two i would maybe over do it on the alcohol 🫣 the thought of being hung over is so scary to me tbh!! I never wanna be hung over! And if i drink on an empty stomach im fucked like im just real drunk off one shot its not fair 🙄 i hope you'd have fun with us if you got drunk with us!! but im ngl i think i was a lil weird last night due to unfortunately getting a bit horny but y'know thats life😩 im just glad my friends werent able to tell cause that's between me and whoever i wanna tell. Normally though we are just big dorks abour anime, movies, and random tv shows, and i cant shut up about music half the time. 🤭

Im the same way!! i just unfortunately occasionally have some like autism/adhd moments where suddenly ive focused too much on trying to actively listen and end up not listening, so if i ask you to repeat yourself a few times its either bc of that or the fact that my audio processing stuff is kinda crazy at times. But i know i'll enjoy hearing you talk<3

Tease me as much as you want to<3 and by all means go ahead and be a menace. Either way im gonna end up with my fingers inside you🥰 i wanna make you melt, i wanna see just how much you need someone inside of you<33

Its sweet that you wanna spoil me<3 like it feels like a crime that youre calling me kind when you keep talking about taking care of me and spoiling me and im just saying nice things. Like i should be taking care of you, youre the princess here sweetheart<3 and i swear to you im thriving under any circumstance, the universe wakes me up every morning by gently kissing my eyelids hehe🤭

I hope to show you my smile and see yours, i dunno how you feel about video calls, but maybe when im comfy with it and if youre comfy with it (and after ive been in your dms a little while) we can do a lil video call! Just an innocent little hang out between a butch and a pretty girl<3 I'll let you know if you feed it too much in that case, I could use a lil more confidence just not too much. I can teeter on the edge of entitlement if i let it go too far, and i hate who i am when i act entitled like that version of me is such a dick and not even in a hot way.

its been okay, ive been studying all day because i have a big exam on monday which is soooo boring but im trying my best! and omg i just listened to the song and its so pretty!! im really honored that you think of me 🥺☺️ ive listened to a few of kali uchis stuff and its sooo good!!

aww yes i take care of my people!! im the mom friend so i gotta make sure everyone is alive and safe! but hehe i hope u werent horny because of me 🫣 if it was then oopsies sorry babe! and i love big lil dorks!! im a lil nerd myself so i totally understand!!

its okay i know what u mean! i have auditory processing issues too but im very understanding and well always do as asked so u never have to worry being around me!

ahh youre soo swoon worthy, i want you inside me now!!!! 🥺

youre saying nice things because you are nice and kindhearted! plus i just like seeing other happy!! and we can take care of each other!! none of that one way shit!!! its give and take!! hehe im kissing u on the nose and temple rn 😘

yes yes i love video calls, im the type who if u give me permission to call u whenever, ill learn ur schedule and just ft out of the blue bc i miss ur face and presence. i know how u feel tho so please take ur time!! hehe handsome butch and a pretty princess on the phone is too powerful tho, everyone else needs to watch out

okay i understand!! but dont be too hard on yourself okay? u deserve good things

[bytemycupcakes]

Changeling!Pabit AU

I said I was makin a post and I don’t care that nobody seems interested in him cause I love this little puppet boy and wont stop making aus for him.

Under a cut cause l o n g e

--

-Pabit only ever remembers Boris as his caretaker

-Not unusual for a changeling, really but it’s true

-Boris always says he just found Pabit on a walk. People usually take that as a joke, but he’s being serious.

-Ya see, Pabit wandered a bit too far from the fae as an infant, and Boris almost tripped over him on a walk in the woods.

-Boris picked up this strange little faerie baby, they made eye contact, and Pabits body shifted to resemble Boris.

-Well fuck I guess Boris has a kid now. The thought of calling the local orphanage doesn’t even cross his mind, it’s really just, “Ah fuck I found a kid.. Guess I’m a dad then”

-Really the fact that Pabit seemed to latch onto and form to look like Boris didn’t help with that train of thought.

-It didn’t take long at all for it to click in Boris’ head that Pabit wasn’t human. Obviously the whole shapeshifting thing, but this child was practically FERAL.

-In a non-babyproofed home, Pabit wreaked havoc. Being a master at hiding, scuttering Boris’ walls, and getting into everything, especially things that a baby shouldn’t be touching.

-It took ages for Boris to get the house at least somewhat Pabit-proofed.

-Pabit still manages to get into shit constantly, it’s like a talent.

-Just like Child!Au, Pabit is not Pabit’s actual name, it’s a name he gained later on because of how much he mimics Boris. (Whats his actual name? No idea)

-Pabit’s gender was literally assigned. He doesn’t have typical human anatomy, being completely androgynous, and thus Boris just... -stamps Pabit with “boy” sticker-

-By the time of the habitat, Pabit id’s as masc non-binary

-Boris considers the day he found Pabit as his birthday, not actually knowing how old he was when found, he counts up from that date, thus where Pabit being 15 comes from.

-Pabit is so tall both because he is fae, and because his body mimics Boris for its aging. So he’s just.. so fucking tall.

-Pabit has a shadow form, but didn’t seem to gain one until he first saw Boris do it when he was a toddler.

-For awhile he’d just randomly shift to it, until his subconscious realized it was primarity an anger-based “transformation”

-While Boris’ shadow form is just intense anger, Pabit’s becomes almost like a rage. As his body grows to adapt most of his non-human ability (strength and some subtle basic magic) into said form.

-Depending on the source of anger, Pabit can be incredibly destructive or eerily calm but a ticking bomb.

-Even Boris gets a bit scared when Pabit shifts to the form... One too many times he’s had his house demolished from this child- Or even being injured by the rage (Nothing serious, but more damage than an 8 y/o should be able to give a grown man)

-From a very young age Pabit always showed signs of adhd/autism. Though he doesn’t technically have these conditions because he’s fae, he’s found comfort in knowing he’s not just really weird, and if people ask about it, he and Boris will just say he has ADHD and/or is autistic*

*[Lil step back: This whole au exists because I heavily project my adhd onto Pabit. And my girlfriend, who is autistic, loves the changeling trope (We even call her one fairly often). So please don’t get hateful about this]

-Boris was always pretty open about Pabit not being human, never tried to hide it from him. He grew up as the outcast and couldn’t figure out why, he’s not gonna let his son feel that same lost and broken feeling.

-Pabit tends to speak in broken sentences. He can speak in full, but feels more comfortable doing more of a Hulk speech pattern. Thus he often talks in third person, and leaves out words he deems unneeded to understand the sentence.

-He’ll fall into proper speech when ranting or infodumping, though. Speaking much more like Boris, with proper and large words.

-He stutters over bigger words a lot, and sometimes gets frustrated and just uses “dumbed down” language in its place (this is how he’ll describe it)

-Pabit has a major hyperfixation of puppetry and puppet making, and a smaller one on musical theatre/acting.

-There is Pabit, and then an actual puppet Habit. It was a gift for fathers day, and though it’s not as pretty as the irl puppet, it’s still pretty damn good for a 15 y/o with claws. Boris keeps it on a shelf in his office, it’s Pabits favorite out of all the puppets he’s made.

-Pabit will nab it and, using Boris’ desk as a stage, will just talk to Boris as “Boris”.

-Boris finds this absolutely adorable, and goes along with it. He’s made several business deals with this puppet. Usually for teeth.

-Which yes, Pabit eats. (No Pabit au is complete if he doesn’t eat teeth, fight me.)

-Pabit stims. A lot. His most common stims are kicking, bouncing, or wiggling his legs, chewing (Yes teeth eating is a stim for him, but he mostly goes for more rubbery textures), hand flapping, and full body wiggling/bouncing. He’ll also play with his hair, but it’s not as common.

-Pabit will occasionally repeat things, usually funny things he hears while giggling.

-Pabit’s hair is so stupidly thicc and curly that no stylist in town will deal with it.

-Boris has learned to cut hair, which comes in handy more often than you’d expect in a house of two very long-haired people.

-aka: Pabits hair grows so fucking fast, its ridiculous.

-His hair sticks together so much that it almost acts like one solid pillow-like mass. No hairtie can contain it. (If it’s tied back, it’s usually an actual string litterally tied around his hair)

-Pabits ears can emote, they don’t move much, but it’s noticeable. They wiggle when he gets really heccin happy.

-Pabit’s pupils alwas seem to be slitted, but at general shock (among other various things) his iris’ will slit aswell, leaving Pabit with a line in some massive sclara��s.

-Pabit has gotten very good at sewing thanks to his love of puppet making. This becomes very useful since he usually has to tailor his clothes slightly.

-In the habitat proper, Pabit is surprisingly popular with all the kids. Most notably Tim Tam and Trevor.

-He knew Trevor (And of Nat) before the habitat. He and Trevor are classmates while Nat is in the class behind them.

-Trevor didn’t really acknowledge Pabit’s existence until he bit a bully and seemed to break skin effortlessly??? hmmmmmmmm.

-Thus Trevor started theorizing, nothing in depth, but the kid was on his radar.

-Trevor was really surprised to find Pabit in the habitat, and even more surprised when Pabit told him Boris is his dad.

-The most these two ever talked before the habitat was a single “peer review” assignment, but in the habitat they start talking a lot more cause they’re the oldest kids, know eachother a bit, and both need to infodump like crazy.

-It takes a while for Trevor to get used to Pabits broken speech, but he eventually finds himself mimicing it occasionally. and Pabit will mimic him as well (adhd solidarity, boys)

-Pabit and Tim Tam can communicate non-verbally with no trouble at all. Thus this is used to wreak so much havoc on habititians since they’re both feral little goblins.

-It doesn’t help that Pabit has special access to “employees only” areas since he’s Boris’ son.

-Trevor and Pabit have gone on massive theory rants about random musicals while Nat’s in the room and she just watches these two in confused awe because of all the little details they’ll pull out to support these wild theories.

-Nat seriously has no idea how these two can just. keep. going. It’s been three hours at least let her have a snack!

-Pabit has allowed Trevor to ask so many weird questions about him because Pabit is also very curious about what exactly he is.

-Boris isn’t going to question why Trevor was poking at Pabit’s ribcage with a pen and just let boys be boys.

-Nat supplies Trevor with books on mythical beings she steals from Trencils room.

-Even with the three of them mostly working together, they cant figure out exactly what Pabit is.

-Until they’re all going over it in the boiler room one day. Where Wallus can hear them.

-YES ONCE AGAIN WALLUS IS NOT HUMAN! AGAIN, FIGHT ME.

-Did three children just lure out the frightened janitor cause they’re describing changelings and Wallus, a fae, knows about these kinda things? Yes. Yes they did.

-Wallus really never got a good look at Pabit before he took refuge in the wall, Pabit never got too involved in his work, or his talks with Boris. So Wallus isn’t too surprised that he missed it.

-It takes a bit of courage building from Wallus and Pabit litterally dragging him to Boris’ office before Wallus talks to Boris about how he aquired Pabit.

-Lots of details short: Wallus actually remembers when Pabit went missing which is pretty neat.

-Boris was almost worried he’d lose Pabit to his birth parents... Until Wallus says they didn’t really worry too much cause he was supposed to be put into someones life anyway. Was only mildly concerning since the fae couldn’t keep an eye on him.

-Pabit barely processes any of this information. Same with nearly all fae information Wallus tells him.

-Its not that he doesn’t like it or anything, he just doesn’t really care about the details. He got a name for what he is and why he acts like he does, and now he’s done. Mission complete.

[I wanna type more but my adhd is being MEAN so I’ll stop here for now. Feel free to send me asks about this au tho cause I love it]

EDIT:

-One last thing: Pabit loves the night. He adores the moon. He loves sitting on the roof past bedtime just to stare at the sky

[memeboy13336]

i think i might be going crazy for realizes

i looked up symptoms for schizophrenia in teens and i was like “oh shit i have all of these frequently” let me list all of them

Lack of concentration or being able to follow a train of thought: this isint new i’ve had issues remembering what i was doing in the middle of doing it before but i’d say its worse than ever before

Seeing or hearing things that aren't real (hallucinations): i cant tell you how many times i thought i saw something in the corner of my eye or thought i heard someone whisper my name

Confusing TV and dreams with reality: idk about this but sometimes my brain will have a clash with itself about if you can do it irl even though its something unbelievable.

Strange ideas that may not make sense (for example, thinking that parents are stealing things or that an evil spirit possesses him or her): alot of the time i think that one of my teachers is an evil witch who has cursed me which is why im kind of spiraling down in life

Paranoia -- thinking that people are after him or talking about him: yes, often i check behind the shower curtain on the offchance that in this really nice neighborhood someone is after my family and plans on killing them, thats part of the reason why my sleep schedule is so shit, im afraid if i fall asleep someone will kill my family and I’ll wake up alone

Dwelling unreasonably on the past: would be surprised if i told you i did this? probably not. every human does this.

Being extremely moody or irritable: yes, although thats mainly cause i’ve got autism and i get really pissed off over nothing.

Angry outbursts: again, autism makes me pissed off over nothing so yes im prone to outbursts of rage

Severe fearfulness or anxiety: didint i just go on a rant about how if i go to sleep my family will die?

Unblinking, vacant expression: cant deny, even when im pissed off i just look lifeless to most people

Awkward or unusual movements of the face or body: this ones pretty vauge but if it means eye twitching yes i sometimes get that

Talking to himself, using odd speech that you can't understand, or making rapid shifts in topics: i dont do the second one i think, but i do talk to myself often because i find the most interesting person to talk to is myself. and i do change the subject at random, although that could be because i scroll through comments and stop anyone from being an asshole to someone else and those guys like changing the topic often.

Inappropriate responses, such as laughing during a sad movie: i guess but thats mainly cause theres meme potential everywhere

Trouble "reading" social cues in others: I can see why back then Autism was usually diagnosed as schizophrenia, I've had this my whole life

Problems making and keeping friends: once again autism strikes again.

Becoming more and more isolated: definitely, i just go upstairs on my PC and do things without my family other than my brother or friends

Poor personal grooming and self-care: no on the first one, but yes on the second, i know im hungry i just dont wanna leave to go get some

Substance abuse: NO, i have never and will never do drugs.

Threatening behavior: i suppose, but mainly online because people cant go outside because corona

and yes most of this have either plagued me my whole life or have been happening for at least the entire lock down

[henry-booers]

New Gang on the Block

Bowers gang and oc

may have a Henry x oc in the future of this

im dying squrttle

Chapter summary: Henry finds out a new gang is in the school, corners the gang's little brother, and gets information. Henry confronts the new gang and ends up with a wounded man and a busted ego.

A new family had moved into town, there was another big old house that wasn't as creepy as the Neibolt house that was on the outskirts of town. This house was very large one, maybe an old white man's house way back when. No one knows but someone had renovated it and moved in. No one even knew this family existed until all of the kids were suddenly enrolled in school.

There was a large handful of kids in each division. A large group of elementary kids, about seven. Middle schoolers, about three. Then a group of high schoolers, four. Which leaves us to the current day of the high schoolers walking the middle schoolers to school classes, then moving on to their own.

No one really batted an eyelash at these kids, until the highschoolers ended up being a very tight-knit group.

Of course, the Bowers Gang had taken notice of this. A new gang of just the same amount of people suddenly had entered their territory and they weren't going to allow it to slide. Henry wanted information, Patrick wanted blood. The rest just wanted to leave the group alone since they were not doing any harm. Literally.

The group was a nice bunch of kids, protectors if anything, social with anyone and started a following quickly. Maybe that's why Henry wanted their head on a platter because the kids of the school started paying more attention to them, thinking that just a group of kids their own age was going to protect the little people.

Once a couple days passed and Henry had calculated every step and sneeze of this group, he found there was a middle schooler he could easily corner. He split from the rest of the group when he got to school, giving the leader of the Bowers gang a good head start to getting his well-awaited information.

The kid's name was Henry as well, probably why the mullet wearing boy didn't beat the shit out of him when he cornered the kid while skipping. His sick smile was the only thing that the boy under his shadow could look at until he spoke.

“So mini-me, you know those kids that walk you to school?” Henry spoke, intimidating, deep, his voice was like an old truck engines purr, the kind of sound you turned away from because of how horrid the sound was.

“You mean my, uh, my siblings?” Little Henry stuttered out, scared, confused, intrigued. He was a smart kid, for his age he could easily skip a few grades.

“Siblings huh? None of you all look related, you all part of some redneck crossbreeding in the backwoods?”

“Uh, no, you must be confusing us with your lot.” The kid sneered, and Henry sneered back.

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth and answer the damn question.”

“No, most of us are fosters or adoptions.” He answered confidently, straightening up and brushing his vest off.

Henry ignored the confidence the kid had and asked another question,

“Tell me about the leader.”

“Of the four? There are two but the one who runs the show most of the time is Sixteen.” He answered, looking up at the bell rang. They were off in a corner of the school that was rarely used and the only reason the Henrys had even crossed paths was the little one was looking for his locker.

“Tell me more about them.”

“Sixteen is a very anxious and secluded person, confused with themselves and the world. Usually finds themselves in the midst of hating themselves or the world itself. Tries their best to be as nice to others as they would want others to be nice to them, they are very generous and kind. They won't hesitate to spit in your face though and knows how to handle a knife very well.”

The kid puffed his chest up, anyone could tell this kid looked up to these four.

“They have a very good sense of dark humor as well, respectful, and very protective of people they care about.”

“Uhuh, okay, sounds like a little wimp. Which one are they?” Henry asked, not following this as some of the information seemed a little too personal.

“The one with the super curly hair? You know wears an orange fleece?”

“Oh yeah, Now whos the big man?”

“That's Daniel! He has a lot of issues ranging from autism to schizophrenia, no one really knows a lot of what he has just that he has a lot of mental shit he cant handle most of the time. He has medication and only takes the ones he wants to and he does bodybuilding as a hobby but not overbearingly as much as he should, he knows his limits.”

Henry's brows furrowed, as most stereotypes and his racial beliefs caused his mind to fill with disgust and marked Daniel with a label of danger.

“He's a sweet guy though, caring, buys things for you if you need them, fights the fights he never needs to, always has your back and honestly a very respectable man.”

Didn't change his feeling on Daniel.

Henry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose when the second bell rang to signal the start of class.

"How do you explain little miss plaid?" Henry asked, the kid nervously fiddling with his fingers as he answered.

"Jessica. Sweet girl, nice to everyone, she's like the knight of the group. She may be charming and she may be strong and independent but I must warn you to never trust her. She likes only 3 people and the rest of the world is dead to her. If anything she's Patrick but much more dangerous, and that's scary because she knows she's crazy and she knows she can kill but she can control it very well, to the point that it doesn't even seem like its there. Try to stay on her good side okay?"

“How do you know about Patrick’s problems?”

“Have you even looked at that boy?! He walks like a psychopath well alone looks like one!”

Henry nodded, the kid had a point.

“Last one chop, chop.”

“Second in command, Tina, Sixteens best friend, and overall sister. They connect together like glue. She's a huge nerd and a very sweet person overall. Has a very cat mentality and that's why when you see the two together tina is 7 times out of 10 annoying Sixteen for no reason. Tina is very logical and quiet, she rarely talks to anyone outside of Sixteen and nana.”

The little Henry breathed then looked down the hall to see a teacher glaring at their direction, mostly big Henry’s.

“Shit,” Bowers muttered under his breath, looking over at the kid and the kid back at him.

“Uh, Sorry sir! I was asking him a question about some of my history homework, I guess we got a bit mixed up in our conversation and missed the bell!” He stuttered out, stumbling toward the teacher. Bowers watched after him carefully in confusion, most kids would have left him with the big D.

Moving along, Henry was let off detention and the little Henry went back to class.

So far the group he had been hunting after was a bunch of softies, just asking for trouble to come to them. At lunch that day he decided to make a move, sitting in front of the leader of the group.

Sixteen looked up with a questioning look. Tired eyes and a hair full of bed head. This kid was not in a good state by the look of it. Patrick followed after, about to sit down but Jessica was a little bit faster when getting to the table, lightly pressing an open switchblade to his side. She hid it from the teachers and led both of them to sit down slowly in unison.

Henry noticed this then glared at Sixteen, who munched on the garlic bread given to them by the lunch lady.

“You need something mister man?” They asked, looking over to Jessica then to Patrick.

“Yeah, tell your goon to back off of Patrick.”

“Nah, I know you and I'm not gonna let you get under my skin or mess up my shit. Jessica told me what she saw today in the hallways earlier.” Sixteen set down their food then neatly folded their fingers together to set under their chin, “Henry was seen with you, and you didn't seem to friendly with him, yet he saved your ass nonetheless I would expect nothing less of him he's a wonderful kid.”

They took a deep breath, then lowered their voice.

“If I EVER see you near one of my kids AGAIN I will not hesitate to give you a mark on your life, and god forbid you to touch one of my kids again I will make sure you are gutted and roasted like a god damn pig in my backyard and leave you for the coyotes.”

Henry almost laughed, almost, this kid wasn't joking around.

“Can't promise you anything sweet tits,”

“You will promise me right here, right now, or ill have Jessica gut your boy right here, right now. Would you want that to come off your best man Henry?”

Patrick let in a sharp breath and mumbled something to Jessica. Her face hardened and you could see the tension build in her arm as it pressed deeper into his flesh. He seemed to be shaking, of pleasure or pain? Who knew.

Henry’s face grew red, as he looked between Patrick then Sixteen.

“Awe, is mistew bowers about to see his wittle dog get gutted in fwont of him?” Sixteen taunted, only to earn them the satisfaction of seeing the moment Henry saw nothing but red but tried in every fiber of his fucking body to remain in his seat than to launch himself across the table and strangle this bitch to death.

Sixteen smiled, it was actually sweet, then waved Jessica off. Jessica backed off but didn't leave eye contact with Patrick. When he felt the blade leave his body he stood up and quickly left to tend to his wound.

“Okay, lets talk, I got my point across to you. I don't really want anything from you than to back off being the bully. Or the hunter will become the hunted, that's my only warning.”

Henry just stared at them, eyes unfocused closing them to hide the wild and rushing rage that was surging through his veins. His hands balled into fists, shaking, and turning white.

“Deep breath bowers, in through the nose, out through the mouth. I suggest taking the steam off in a fuck or a boxing match. Ever thought of boxing before? I hear its great for anger.”

Henry flashed a glare, then saw Sixteen was being genuine in suggesting help in his obvious control problem. He stood, then left. Vic and Belch looking confused as they entered the cafeteria just to leave and run after Henry with questions.

[spnbaby-67]

Craving You - Chapter 5

Synopsis: What happens on a plane when you have a full blown panic attack and Jensen Ackles is next to you? 

A/N: Surprise ya’ll, its a couple of day’s early i know, but I wanted to post it. I also want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to Portia at @writersaredreamers for beta’ing this chapter. She has been a HUGE help. (all other mistakes are my own) Also to all of you readers out there, thank you so much for the comments you truly don’t know how much they mean to me. I do have to mention though that this is a completely Alternate Universe for Jensen Ackles and the cast of Supernatural. His job description will be mentioned in a few chapters, but i’m having fun keeping it secret right now, (i now i’m mean, but I cant help myself.) No harm to Danneel or JJ, i love them just the same. I don’t own the GIF’s so thank you creators who do them. My writing is to not be posted on any other site without my consent which I am about to post on Archives hopefully this week. 

Warnings: Panic Attack, comforting, Jensen being sweet, (not that needs a warning) Mention of autism, bullying, foreign film, Shahrukh Khan, fluff, 

                          Craving You,                               Chapter 5

I turn to look at Jensen after I realized I was still in my seat, only to see he was still in his. He was looking over some reports still, I guess the same ones from earlier. Did I fall asleep and dream that kiss? How much of that was true? What happened from the time I came back from my panic attack till now? I swallowed and shifted my position, my back was killing me. He must have heard me because he faced me.

“Hey, you ok?” He placed the papers back into his bag, got up from his seat across the aisle and came to sit by me. He placed his left arm around me. “You fell asleep after your panic attack, I thought it would be easier to let you rest.” He pulled the blue blanket he must have gotten from the flight attendant up over my left shoulder, I was shaking still. Not that it was cold, but from everything. The attack, the dream, how real it was, to him holding me now.

My throat felt like it was burning, and I tried to talk a couple of times but it was dry. “I um, I am so sorry.” I buried my head under the crook of his neck so he couldn’t see the tears. I’m normally not bad at panic attacks so I’m more embarrassed than anything.

He took his finger and raised my chin so I can look at him, I didn’t want to. “Ssshhh it’s ok, honestly. We all have times like that, that we can’t control. It’s ok to accept what happened and not be embarrassed about it.”

My facial expression must have given it away, “It’s not that,” I barely spoke. The flight attendant came over to hand me a bottled water which I took the cap off immediately, I was thirsty. “It’s just this never happened this bad before, to the point I had dreams with it. I know it sounds crazy and all, but did you kiss me?” I sat up at that time to look at him, I wanted to see his reaction.

He smiled at me, “You mean like this?”

He leans towards me, his face coming to me again just like before then disappeared when his lips touched mine. My left hand went behind his neck to card the short hairs he had thru my fingers. His hair felt soft like silk, and he smelt like leather and old spice. It was intoxicating, I feel the heat between us once more, as my heart sped up.  Inside my head I’m thinking what the hell am I doing, but my heart is like quit listening to your head and enjoy what you got. I relax a bit more after that, and I feel myself leaning backwards a bit. My head hit the pillow that I could only assume a flight attendant had given me earlier.

As Jensen reclined my seat I became acutely aware of the level of privacy we have versus the other side of the curtain. If we had been in coach I'm sure several passengers would have had some loud and crude comments but I didn’t care i was in heaven.  As Jensen’s right hand went around my back I became aware of the hazards of falling asleep in an awkward position, my back chose that moment to let me know it. I suddenly felt Jensen release from my lips and I opened my eyes to see the beautiful man before me. My face was red and I couldn’t catch a breath.

“Wow,” was all I could say.

His smile was like a kid winning a huge price at a county fair as he sat up from me. “You ok?” he managed to ask.

Nervously, I sat up to join him. “Y yeah, that was,” I paused to look down a moment to think of the word to say, then I looked up at him.

“Amazing.” We both end up saying it together.

I shook my head, as we both laughed. Jensen told me that I had slept for about an hour, and he constantly checked on me. I didn’t mean to worry him, hell I didn’t mean to have a full blown attack either. But he was very sweet to keep an eye on me, no one has ever been that kind before. Eventually, the seatbelt light came on and one of our flight attendants  informed us of possible turbulence due to a storm we was to be flying through. Jensen returned to his seat after he made sure I was ok, and picked up where he left off on the files he had been reading earlier.

I grabbed my laptop that was in the sleeve of the seat in front of me, looking at it rather perplexed, I don’t remember putting it there. Did that dream really happen? Could he have really kissed me twice? My brain couldn’t comprehend that, but oh the kiss….. The one I'm sure happened, it was totally amazing, his lips are so soft and sweet, just so damn perfect, they fit together with mine like a missing piece that completed the puzzle. I couldn’t believe he actually kissed me though, but I would never for a moment regret it. I selected a movie that I had downloaded awhile back, but never got the chance to watch till now. I figured this would occupy the rest of the flight at least till we started the descend into Texas, god just the thought of that. I’m not too sure on how that’s going to go.

“Hi,” a flight attendant who's name tag said Jaci, came over to me with a tray. “I managed to save your lunch, you wasn't awake when I was here earlier, so here you go.” She paused, “Would you like anything to drink with it?” She was very sweet and polite.

“Um, sure Dr. Pepper?” that’s my go to soda, I think I should invest into the company as much as I drink it. She nodded and went to the back after giving me my lunch.

I look over at Jensen, he smiled and looked up at me as if he sensed my gaze. That smile, oh my it's just pure heaven. I realize that I've started thinking  about his smile, his eyes, his lip… Sigh… A lot for only knowing him less than 24 hours. What has he done to me? He is so sweet, and kind. Nothing like the normal guys I've been with. God sure knew what he did when he created that man. I tucked a strand of wayward hair behind my ear, I was beginning to feel the blush start. “What?” I asked him.

“Soda?”

“That’s how we say it back in Texas, how do you say it?”

“I say soda too, but I meant why have that when you have complimentary wine and mixed drinks at your disposal.” He raised his glass at me.

“Oh, I don’t really drink that much and I figured the way my stomach feels, that I really shouldn’t chance it without having something on it.”

“Yeah you're probably right about that. I’ll be finished with this report soon and I’ll be glad to sit next to you and help distract you before we land.”

“I’d like that, thank you. Would you like to watch a movie with me?”

“Sure, eat first and then I’ll join you.” He winked at me.

I did just as that, I was thankful she saved a tray for me because I was starving. After I was done, Jaci came to take tray and refilled my drink for me just before Jensen put his stuff up to join me. I booted up the laptop and remembered.

“Um, do you watch foreign film?” I looked at him with a apprehensive face.

“I have on occasions, if it’s got subtitles I’m sure I can keep up. What movie is it?” he settled next to me as I moved closer to the window.

“It’s called My Name Is Khan, by a Indian actor that I really admire. He’s taught me a lot about love, friendship, and to have a heart. He’s very big actor in many countries, but if you ask me; he is even better than some actors here.” I saw him raise an eyebrow.

“Really, what’s his name?”

“His name is Shahrukh Khan, he’s really amazing. I’ve been a fan for 8 years now.”

“Wow, ok then. Let’s get comfortable and watch the movie.” He shifted so that I can lean against him.

I placed the laptop on the tray in front of me and started the movie. I made sure it had subtitles on it so he can understand what the movie is about. I don’t really need them any more since I know Hindi, it was a passion of mine to learn it. Every time I start one of these films I think of my neighbors across the street and the amazing chicken curry that the mom made. I snuggled against Jensen and peaked at him every once and awhile to see if he was enjoying the movie

It wasn’t long before the seatbelt light came on and Jaci announced we were starting our descent for landing, Jensen looked down at me confused . ” How long is this film?”

I laughed “2 hours and 45 minutes.”

He looked at the time bar on the laptop “We've only watched an hour and a half… Hmmm I guess I should see you again so I can watch the rest.” He flashed me that winning smile and I felt me cheeks redden.

“Do you like it so far?” I squeaked out

He took my hand in his “This movie is totally mind blowing, it amazes me every time I see someone with a certain disability like autism, find ways to grow with it and accept what they have and make something into it, but that bullying part when they killed her son because of his last name. That hit me hard, it's sad to think that there are people like that in this world.”

I took my right hand and gently washed away his tears, “I was bullied all my life. Through school, life in general, it’s hard to go through it every day. Times I decided to give up on and just say fuck it, but something would happen and stop me. I hope I didn’t upset you or anything by asking you to watch the movie with me.” I truly hoped had not upset him.

“Oh no you didn’t, I see why you like this guy. He’s great, I like what I've watched so far and I can't wait to see the rest.” He kissed the back of my hand and released it, I hugged him after I put my laptop away, the captain announced that we was approaching Austin Airport. I could feel his steady heartbeat as I laid my head on his chest. He promised to keep me safe and he did, he had one arm around me, and the other in front of me. The blanket I had was over my shoulders, the closer we got to the ground the more I began to tremble and the tighter he held me.

He took his right hand and cradled my head to his chest and began to hum a song I didn’t recognize, but it was soothing. I became lost in this moment, he was protecting me from the bad motion sickness that I was feeling along with everything else. The way the plane dipped each time it went down closer and closer to the tarmac, it felt ten times worse. I buried my head more each time into his chest, focused on his heartbeat and the humming as I kept my eyes closed. He held me the whole time, God thank you for this man he is amazing.

We finally landed and pulled into the gate, he held me a few more minutes before we had to actually get up and collect our things. Truthfully, I’m glad he did because I dunno if I would have made it. I gave him the all clear and stood up from our seats, he helped me get my carry on from the overhead bin. He gathered his backpack and walked out of the plane with me. My legs were a bit wobbly, but I managed to walk the ramp. Thank goodness he had his arm around my waist, I dunno what it was either, the after effects of the panic attack, or his beautiful self-next to me.  We went to the baggage claim to get our luggage and I really hated to see him leave, he asked me if I had a ride which I told him about Jeff.

“Are you sure you got a ride to where you’re going?” he stood really close to me.

“I do, Jo’s fiancé is coming to get me. He should be here already.” We walked out of the baggage claim and the first thing to greet me was the heat that hit me in the face and took my breath away. “Wow, I don’t miss the Texas heat for sure.” I fanned myself as I took a drink from the water bottle I got after we landed.

He walked us over to an more private area that didn’t have very many people waiting on their rides, “Here, this is my number. call me if you would like to finish that movie.” He smiled like he just was the happiest person on earth at that moment.

I looked up at him, “I might do that, how long you here?”

“About a week, I go back Sunday. I’m here for a friend’s birthday and to see family.  Hopefully we’ll run into each other again.” He held my hand.

“I’d like that,” I waved to Jeff who I saw approaching from behind Jensen.

He turned to see a familiar person. But didn’t act like he knew him. “Great, send me a text when your free and we’ll get together.” He winked at me, then leaned in to kiss me.

“Uh Hmm, am I interrupting anything?” Jeff’s deep voice interrupted our kiss.

I smiled into our kiss then opened my eyes as I looked at Jeff, “Um, kind of.”

Jensen pursed his lips together at my bluntness. “A girl who speaks her mind, I like that.” He held my hand as he stood next to me.

“Um Jeff, this is Jensen, Jensen this is Jeffrey Dean Morgan my best friends fiancé.”

He shook hands with him, but what I didn’t see was the nod they gave each other as we said our final goodbyes.

**If anyone wants to be tagged send me and message or an ask, Thank you all so much, I love you all*

@writersaredreamers

@secretlyfurrydragon

@secretimpala67

@iwantthedean

@laqueus-ludovicus

@nanie5

@wheresthekillswitch

[katthekatiekat]

Who am I?

Who am I that is the question. I am someone who is very understanding. I care a lot about other people. I am someone who has experienced so many things for only have been living 17 years. I’ve experienced some bad things and I’ve experienced some good. Out of all things I have experienced, I have taken knowledge from that, with that has come understanding. Understanding on things people go through, though I’m still learning in the relationships that I have. Learning on a day to day basis.

b>

When I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Aspergers. For anyone that doesn’t know what Aspergers is, it is a lower form of Autism. I am on the lower end of the spectrum which means I am high functioning. But that doesn’t discredit me having any issues. When I was in Kindergarten and first grade, I had friends. But then I moved schools and from 2nd grade to 9th grade I had no REAL friends. I moved schools basically every 2 years. 2nd to 3rd grade I was mainly just by myself, didn’t care to try and find friends. And for 4th and 5th grade I tried making friends, but I wasn’t trying too hard, I wasn’t worried about it. Although In those years I got bullied a bit by my classmates, and I guess you could say some behaviors showed up.4th-grade year I was diagnosed with ADHD. I was very Extroverted, out there, and my moods seemed to shift in extremes. 5th grade was the year I started cutting. Sad I know right? 5th grade is when I started caring what other people thought of me. I guess I can thank that to my acting dancing singing modeling school that I went to on the weekends. At least the modeling part. People saying I need to be skinnier to be a model and you’re supposed to suck in your belly. Over the summer from moving from 5th to 6th I grew several inches and it looked like I had lost weight. Suddenly I had some of the girls from my elementary school, that had never even spoken to me, come up to me and wanted to be friends with me. I was so excited. The first weekend after the first week of school, I had a mental breakdown. I went to a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. after I got out I felt better and better rested and life went on, trying to catch up with my school work and keep going. I fought with my mom a lot mainly on school work because It was hard for me to focus on it and get it done. Several months after I went to the hospital for the first time, I went again. And after that again and again and again, and so forth. I couldn’t tell you how many times I went to the hospital I lost track. I hated home so I always wanted to be at the hospital because they had good cooked meals, not Tv dinners or fast food, but real meals. There were always other kids I could relate to and I always felt like I belonged which was extremely rare on the outside of being there. From all the times I have been to The Psychiatric hospitals I can sure tell you, They cannot help you most of the time. They sure didn’t help me. Actually I think they made me worse because of all the things that the other kids were teaching me. They gave me packets to fill out that said: write down what makes you mad, or sad or depressed, write down coping skills you can use.That doesn’t really help you learn to use them in the moment when your adrenaline is high and your breathing is hard, fast or heavy. You cant automatically think oh feel like this so I should do this. It takes practice and help from the people around you and sometimes that doesn’t always work. The only good things that have come out of the hospital is that certain psychiatrists sat down with me and diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, and Someone who worked at one of the hospitals who had been working with autistic kids and teens noticed some characteristics in me that people with autism have. He recommended to my mom that I get tested and I did. There were five tests I did though I can’t remember them all. If you passed all of them, you weren’t autistic at all, if you passed 2 to 4 of them you are still somewhere on the autism spectrum just lower in different degrees. If you only pass one of them, It is deemed you are higher on the spectrum so you have lower functioning abilities, fully autistic. Out of the tests, I passed 2. They used to call it Aspergers but they say that it’s not a thing anymore its just lower autism but I still call it that.I was diagnosed with it when I was in 7th grade. By then I moved schools several times. The original cause of moving schools was because of my anxiety and low self esteem due to society’s fucked up views on the way someone should look, and those “friends” I made when I went to school after awhile of being put in different psychiatric hospitals and I had gained some weight and my “friends” didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. That kind of crushed me. Then for 7th grade I started at a different school but I was in the special education program and it made me feel stupid. I felt out of place, there was only one other girl in the program and I really wasn’t into what she was into. Except the time I had some of the boys over and her and we watched superhero movies and ate snacks. I really didn’t think I would like the superhero movies but I ended up loving them and I still do. But other than that I felt like I didn’t fit in, although looking back on it I think that was because of my depression. And because I felt like I didn’t fit in I decided to stop going. So they put me in another school also special education. I was there for several months. I really did try to fit in there I mean it was no or other school that they had known at the time that I could go to. so I did try and then things keep getting worse with my mom and our fights and my depression and anxiety. I kind of turned into someone who hid their Pain by being mean and rough on the outside. I was very rude and disrespectful even if I didn’t know it at the time.  I really didn’t want to be living the life I was living. So I begged my mom to send me to boarding school. when I said boarding school I was thinking a Zoe101 kind of boarding school. But the boarding school I ended up going to is actually a treatment center. My mom didn’t research the school I went to, too much it was just the one the school district would pay for.The Treatment Center really did not do me any good. I mean it was actually really awesome and helpful while I was there.  It was an all girl’s Treatment Center and it help me learn to Value myself it with the people that were around me. But it didn’t really teach me coping skills. They taught me to rely on the other people around me to help me. I relied on people around me to make me feel good about myself because they thought I was a good person and they liked me. so after that first Treatment Center I came home and I started High School. I thought I was really okay when I left I thought I had gotten better. And I had in a sort of way I wasn’t really tough on the outside anymore I was kind of childlike and had a very bright personality. But The treatment center I went to was all girls and before one of my main problems was talking to boys. Like talking to them in any sort of way  even if it was in for school stuff I just did not know how to talk to them.  it was hard for me to talk to girls then just not as hard. but it was so easy for me to talk to adults.  but when I came home I had to learn to talk to boys and I  learned to live and eat and breathe do everything with girls but not with boys. so that gave me a lot of anxiety when I started High School in a special ed program again. So that anxiety started to build up and I once again decided I wasn’t going to go to school because there was some tension with the people I had met there.  I really really wanted to be homeschooled but they put me in another school and I went to for a while but it just wasn’t working. I guess I wasn’t working.  so I stopped going to that school to. The thing that broke me into a deep depression though is completely different. When I was in 4th grade I met a girl and I’m not going to say any names here but let’s just call her E. So I knew girl, E, since the 4th grade I was sort of friends with her for a while she came over to my house sometimes and you like to try and bake stuff. Even when my mom didn’t want us to. And then all the stuff of going to a treatment center and social anxiety and all that it was crazy. When I had come back from the treatment center I was friends with her again and it was for a while. Later on in the year I came up with this crazy Theory and I had an idea of something I wanted to do about it and so I told E.  She was all for it in the beginning she thought it was a great idea and then right before  Christmas she said she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore that I was crazy she didn’t trust me and then she blocked me on everything. By everything I mean Facebook Snapchat Instagram Kik  and her cell phone number. So when that happened kind of went into a very deep depression said known her since the fourth grade and now I was in 9th grade. That was 5 years I knew her.  And I thought she was my last friend that I had.  So it went on for a while all I would do is watch Netflix and eat. I would watch from 11 a.m. to 2 a.m.  and then when I wasn’t doing that I was sleeping. That was my life. And my mom started talking to some people asking around to find me a better Treatment Center than  the one I have been to before. And  we found treatment center that is known to be one of the best treatment centers in the country.  Since I was that on schedule of sleeping, when I first got there I was half asleep.  I was there for a year and 4 months.  That’s a long time so I’m just going to skim over it not talk about it too much but I might in another post If asked to do so.  I think we’ll just call the treatment center HP. HP Treatment Center I think I was the only time I’ve ever had a true best friend so far.  Let’s just called my true best friend Jay.  I think I automatically saw something in her and I was like I want to be friends with that girl. Not because she was most loved or she could do something cool or whatever, it was because I had a feeling that I could trust her and it would be okay to talk to her and she would understand and she would try to help me and she would love me no matter what.  I didn’t see how great she was at first. I didn’t talk to her for a while after she first got there. When she first got to HP she was on a different home. and then she moved over to my house.Actually I spur of the moment trusted her because I really wasn’t feeling that great and so I told her my life story in a lot of  detail. From there on out I could always talk to her. She had troubles of her own. I know something bad happened to her at one point in her life because she took trauma therapy and there were sometimes at the end of the night right before we were supposed to go get our  medication and she thought she needed to run, she needs to get out of there and she would push a staff out of the way but she would never push me out of the way I always tried to stand in between her and the door.  I love that girl so much. she’s still there at HP I have no idea when she’s getting out but I do talk to her on Instagram I only talked to her a couple times since I left which was about 5 months ago.  I loved the staff there they were so helpful and loving and kind and I still am friends with  some on Facebook. There was a staff there and let’s just call him  C.  C was a really great staff. he was so goofy and it was so easy to talk to, he was a really good person. Some of the girls on the home didn’t see how great he was because they were stuck in their own problems, seeing things the way they wanted to see it. The only thing he did to make them not like him was he enforced the rules. He eventually became the head of the house when original head of the house T had to leave. And then there was L.   I’m friends with her on Facebook but I don’t talk to her much. though I do see a lot of pictures of her new baby that’s why she left each HP. Her little baby boy is adorable.  Anyways near to the end of being at HP there was some trouble but I don’t want to talk about that right now. So after being there for a year and 4 months I left. I was so scared to come home because I was loved by so many at HP. Literally a couple of days after I left HP I started summer school at the school I was going to go to in the fall.  There was this boy that caught my eye. It was literally the first week of summer school. I thought he was really cute he had such a playful personality. I’ve seen that in others they usually do that just to hide how they really feel if they’re just joking all the time. And then the first weekend after I was back, the school I go to they have trip sometimes. One of them was a trip to Lake Tahoe. They have a cabin there and we did activities that are close by. I went on the Lake Tahoe trip and so did he. I was kind of nervous because most of them were boys.  But we got there and unpacked everything and I think it was on the second day we  played Truth or Dare. And he  ask me to pick truth or dare. I said truth. then he asked me what’s the worst thing you’ve ever looked up on the internet. I got a little uncomfortable with that question because there were so many people in the room, obviously staff weren’t . One of the boys nudged him and said don’t make her answer that. So we moved on with the game but I can’t remember what happened after that. Later on in that day I think we were in the cabin part where we were to eat something and then him and I were coming back to the cabin where the sleeping bags are. You’re supposed to take your shoes off before you go up and into the place for the sleeping bags. So we were taking off our shoes getting ready to go up when I said oh hey by the way you can ask me those questions but just don’t ask me in front of a bunch of people I am happy to tell you. He said okay and then he asked me what’s the worst thing I have ever  looked up. I was a little nervous about that and then he said okay if it makes you feel better I’ll say mine first. So he said his then I said mine and then I felt like a little trust  had started to form.  I just Started to talk to him a lot on that trip. I don’t think if I hadn’t gone on that trip  things probably wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. On that trip I told him a lot about my life and the things that I’ve been through. He was really confused as to why I was trusting him because he said  that people only saw him as a jokester not somebody you could talk to. but I can tell when it’s okay to talk to somebody. he had really low self-esteem then I had really high self-esteem then. so it’s  sad how things turned out. He had a girlfriend when I first started talking to him. Then after the trip and after the first time we hung out by ourselves together  I had to go to Scotland on a vacation for  a week and I talked to him all the time I could. We talked a lot while I was in Scotland and then couple days before I was supposed to go back, he said that he broke up with his girlfriend. Guess who he broke up with his girlfriend for?  That’s right, me. I felt really bad about that although I don’t know if he was just trying to make me feel better or what because he told me “I didn’t break up with her because of you I broke up with her because I just didn’t feel anything with her anymore.”  They had been dating 2 months so I guess that could be so but he known her for several years before that.   But I don’t know I just started dating him. Then we hung out over the summer break and things started moving fast. I thought I knew what I wanted I thought it was okay. Every time we hung out it kind of jumped to another thing a little bit more than we did before.  We were each other’s first for everything except make out. I do regret having sex with him because before I met him I had morals.  I was all into waiting until marriage for sex. I mean everything else was okay it’s not something you need to wait for marriage for but I guess when you do all that stuff it  tempts you to have sex. So that made it really hard when he broke up with me. Literally we had just had sex the weekend before so it really didn’t see it coming. hate it when that happens when something big is coming your way but you can’t see it coming so it’s an even harder blow when it hits rather than if you were to see it coming. I don’t know I guess I got over it after a while just starting to getting my depression again wasn’t easy for me to go to school and I guess I still feel bad not because I love  him but because I regret having sex with him.  That is the worst decision I’ve ever made and  I regret  doing that more than I regret anything else.but hey it’s over and done with so I try not to dwell on it too much.  Right now I’m still struggling with my depression and trying to go to school but and haven’t been going for a while I think that was mostly because of break but today Tuesday I have missed two days since break and ended. nbsp;  br />

That’s a little summary on me. But even as you read that know I’m still able to help others in need, if they’ll open up to me. nbsp;When I went to psychiatric hospitals and the two treatment centers I met and talked with a lot of different people. I’ve lived with girls who have been raped, or abused, or girls who want to be boys and boys that want to be girls and I’ve seen what they go through. I’ve met boys who have been raped, or abused, sometimes looked down upon for revealing emotion, or boys who are very violent most likely due to what they’ve grown up with or trying to suppress emotion.I’ve lived with girls and met a couple boys with eating disorders. I’ve lived with girls who are constant liars or they steal things. I’ve met girls who throw intense tantrums to try and get their way or get peoples attention. I’ve met boys and girls who hurt themselves Because of how bad their feeling, or because they want you to pay attention to them( that’s negative attention seeking but there are many ways to positively receive it). I’ve met boys and girls that try and run away or awall. I’ve met and seen girls try to kill themselves in any way they thought they could.(I’m not going to say how because I don’t want to give anyone any ideas) I’ve lived with a girl that’s schizophrenic who said that the staff were being abusive when there were many witnesses that they were not. I have seen and met and lived with all these different people, and I have seen them grow, learn become better and become healthy. I’ve seen people come from dark places and make their lives so much better. It is possible for anyone to get better with the right love, guidance, and hard work. No matter what a person might go through I will do my best to understand and to help anyone that talks to me, but as you can see I have a lot of experience in it. My goal in life overall is to help, love and understand and to spread it.

[gwassysworld-blog]

closure

moving in together was kinda crazy at first, we were blending familes.. but we made it work.. my family loved him, his family loved me, and surprisingly even though it was so sudden we had every ones support, well at least the ones that mattered. And bonus my sister lives 2 blocks away. L started kindergarten, T was in 7th grade and jos kids were in 9th and 12th. we had it all covered and we had so much fun doing it. Things were not always easy though. I finally got a diagnosis for T and he was put on the autism spectrum. which gave us a lot of clarity as to his issues, and made us realize a lot of issues wont ever change but we needed to change. He got heavily involved in the drama club which seemed to help him a lot, and the schools here are amazing. I got very involved in Ls school PTA and she got very involved in sports. and jo hussled, that man works his ass off every single day.. we fight every so often but bottom line was no fight was ever worth it.. shortly after we started dating we took a trip to s. Carolina with some friends and family. I remember finding out another couple that was with us had been together for 3 years, I asked jo where he saw us in 3 years and he said married..

well by year 2 we were engaged. He proposed to me in our family room with a ring that I ordered. But that didn't matter. I was going to be Mrs. O and that was amazing. We were finally going to be a family. Someone finally loved me enough to take on all this craziness and want to stick around.. I stll think he is crazy at times.. but I think he needs us as much as we need him.

Planning the wedding was the best time, I definetly complained a lot about the process, but everyone was so supportive and helpful. and 2 weeks after what was 3 years of us being together, I became Mrs. O. which was absolutely the most beautiful day of my life! My cheeks felt bruised the next day from smiling so much. I never ever thought, after all we had been thru that I would ever get to experience a day like this.. where everyone that meant something to us, came together to celebrate such and amazing step in our lives. and most importantly I married my best friend.

he didn't care about my health issues, my past, Ts issues, having to deal with Ls crazy dad issues, nothing mattered but us. No One has ever put that much effort into us. He is my absolute rock! I just always pray that I live up to being his rock as well.

so.......... TODAY

T is currently almost 16. He is finishing up his sophomore year of high school. he has managed to keep a 3.5 gpa even though he is failing some of his core classes. The schools work with me as much as possible but ultimately it is up to what T wants for his future. Because no matter how much the school helps him, there will not always be someone there to hold his hand.. besides me of course. Next year he will be going to a career center to learn computer programming and software design. Something that was a very hard decision because it meant he could not take a drama class for the 3rd year in a row.. but after some explaining about his future and not knowing if college will be an option for him.. I think and hope he finally understands that this will be the best plan for him.

me and T had a lot of ups and downs throughout his life. .. obviously.. but being so young .. there were so many things I could of done better, so many more things I wish I knew, or choices I could have made. Today I focus most on making sure T is happy. We recently renewed the restraining order against Barry and we are waiting to hear the results.. dun dun dun.. but we have decided that we let Barry control enough of our past, we wont let him effect our future any longer.. T did come out as gay a few years ago.. we don't know if this has to do with what happened to him, or the fact that most of his life he was just raised by me, or if its his autism.. or hes just gay.. who knows, I just want him to be happy.. at first I was freaked out, like come on kid u have enough against you.. but the more I sat back, the more I realized that now a days.. especially kids that he hangs out with in drama.. no one cares.. T is still T no matter what. He may be with me forever, but future goal is after high school me and him will go to college together.. I will finally go to school! my as well when he is 18, he will be the same age as when I had him. And I have to say looking at where he is now, compaired to where I was when I was his age.. T you are doing a fantastic job!!

L.. L still sees her dad every other weekend.. he has the ability to see her more but chooses not to.. it breaks my heart because she knows this and is often left disappointed by him, but honestly, its probably whats best.. She has a great life outside of him. She is doing great in school, she has a lot of friends and she is my little ninja ostritch, full of personality and always moving... sometimes very crabby but... little girls.. I absolutely love spending time with her as much as I can.

And me.. after I got out of the nursing home my drs. really couldn't help me anymore because they had messed up my muscle biopsy and the only way was to do it again.. which would of meant that whole process over again... I said no thanks.. and gave up on pursuing an actual diagnosis.. but along the way I have had other issues pop up.. ive struggled with ibs issues, heart issues, splean issues, colon issues, and cervical cancer issues.. the winters are very hard on me and all I want to do is sleep.. its hard.. I have this perfect amazing life right now, and all I want to do is keep up.. and it feels like so many people are depending on me.. which they really are, and I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone. My mother in law wants me to take over her farmers market, which is probably definetly above my physical abilities, but it would still be a great opportunity.. and me and my husband are opening a catering / food truck business.. and I need to be there.. I need to be focused and pain free.. most days tho I cant go 10 minutes without a muscle cramping up and needing to take a nap from the exhaustion and pain from it.. but I keep trying to push thru.. I finally have a life to enjoy.. its finally here.. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

writing this book has been very therapeutic for me. I got out so much that I needed to.. there were so many times when I wanted to stop writing, when I wanted to delete things and was to worried about what family or friends that might read this will think.. or who I was going to hurt.. but the thing is.. most of my life I hurt.. and this was for me. This is my life... Gwassys world..