#radical acceptance. we are gonna accept this is me.

[fuckingparched]

pretty sure i kept my whouffaldi obsession to myself and never talked about it with anyone irl because i wanted to feel like a little freak curled in on my little freak self

or maybe it’s that thing of feeling like you’re exploring taboos and sacred things like love, lust, yearning, and intimacy and i just didn’t wanna talk about that

[thechiton]

trying 2 talk 2 some people about conservation is so fucking frustrating its like "how will we POSSIBLY be able to continue as we are and do conservation?" well,

[evilminji]

Am once again thinking? About how? In the depths of despair, hope is a radical act of defiance?

SI-OC's are given a SHIT lot, you know? For plot convenience, we like to put them where they realistically COULD probably change something? But statistically? They're more likely not gonna be that lucky.

They're gonna KNOW, with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that they were born doomed.

That Death comes at a specific time at a specific hand.

Like Cassandra. Knowing the end, even as the live through the beginning and middle. Struggling with the hopelessness of it all. Trying to find meaning. And? Make no mistake! There IS meaning. All lives end. Just because the REST of us don't know the deadline? Doesn't mean it doesn't exsist.

It does. It will. And we will face it.

Just a bit harder, knowing in advanced. Learning to live with the knowledge. But? Those with terminal illnesses do so everyday. We adapt. They will, ultimately, find a bitter or wise sort of acceptance. A PEACE.

But?? I think about it. That child. Reeling and struggling to breathe, the panic making everything... Too Much? Force Sensitive. For how ELSE could the Force bring them there? Sitting in a less used back hallway, off to the side in a little enclosed arch, smooshed behind a statue.

The Master's try and try to teach them peace. To get them to release their FEAR. But they do not LISTEN. Do not ADDRESS the underlying cause. And you can not address symptoms alone, and expect an illness to heal. It is rotting them from within, this fear. Hurting them.

The others JUDGE. Distant, benevolent concern.

Yet, all they see? Is an angry, fearful, stubborn child. Lashing out. Antisocial.

Destined for the Dark Side.

The Jedi have lost their compassion, to the their fear and ignorance. Their attachments to traditions. It is a painful thing, to see up close. They are people though. Just... just PEOPLE. Flawed. It's not their fault that they're not perfect.

Doesn't help SI-OC though, does it?

And she (Because I am a her. It could be anyone but it is easier for me if I pick) is hurting. Alone. Replaying the phantoms of her death, both past and future, again and again and AGAIN. Like torture. And the Dark...? It does whisper...

Don't you want to LIVE? Aren't you SCARED? You're so WEAK... you could FIX that. Save EVERYONE. Don't those infants, those babies, deserve to survive? You're so SELFISH. The FEAR hurts, doesn't it? It could go away. The DOUBT could go away.

You Could Be FREE.

It's exhausting. Everyday. More and more. As the fear and social isolation grows. As other Jedi pull back from her darkening energy, grow stricker, more doubtful of her. She so tired. Doesn't want to die. She's SCARED. Lonely. Scared. Lonely. Scared. Lone-...

And then a droid rolls up.

Nothing special. Just a maintenance droid. One of many. But an older one. Who's had time to develop their learning algorithm. BECOME. They like kids, hate certain vermin species more then others, like the color light blue for it "flower color" nature. A SPECIFIC flower mind you. It has favorites.

But! Why is the smol jedi down here? This is not a good place for smol jedi. You are upset. Unacceptable. Want to see me do a trick? I figured out how to do some. I can also whistle a few simple songs. Cheer up Smol Jedi. Here, I will sit with you. I have archive access, let's watch a documentary. Educational! Smol jedi LOVE downloading new Information Modules.

And like? She... she doesn't speak binary? But she can k-kinda? Feel? The Force signature of this droid? They DO get them. If the AI's don't get memory wiped routinely. They become people, just like anyone else. Assuming they have the processing and memory banks for it, at least.

This one certainly does.

S..so yeah, guess we'll? Watch this documentary about seashells?

It helps. A LOT. In fact... all of the droids are really, really nice. Patient. Have no horrifying Future Knowledge tied to them. They can't sense SHIT. So she's just... just a baby Jedi, to them.

They help A LOT, honestly? It's so soothing. Escaping the watching and the distance. The judgements. The forever watching your words and walking on eggshells, lest to start some sort of argument. She can do class work. Meditate. Slowly parse through her Binary language module. Learn droid maintenance. Make droid friends.

Slowly drop of the face of the map, to live with the droids.

They get concerned. According to the early childhood development modules they downloaded and are sharing between them? This is? In fact? NOT healthy behavior for a member of her species. In fact, there are many statistics that say it is UNHEALTHY! She is also missing Critical Maintenance Appointments! "Shots" and "dental" things!

Unacceptable.

R2-D2! Retrieve the Skywalker! We require an Adult Humanoid!

Her life fuckin? Flashes before her eyes? Minding her business. Depressed but functional, in the maintenance tunnels under the Temple. When? FUCKING the YOUNGLING KILLER 5000 just ROLLS UP like "sup." And tries to catch her?

Ha HA! FUCK NO. Not today Satan!

I may be destined to die? But IM GOING TO BE A SQUIRRELLY BITCH ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME, YOU FUCK!

Peaceful. Dignified. Serene. Truely... exemplifying the Jedi way~☆

.....As she tries to chew his and/or her arm off to get free like a feral coyote. Maybe both. Hissing like an enraged pit of snakes. Biting like a sack of wet and cornered wolverines. Anikin having to hold her WELL away from his body by the scruff.

Ah~ Children. Ain't they cute?

Quick question! What the FUCK? He just wants to talk. No, really. WHY is there a feral child in the basement? WHO the KARK was supposed to be supervising her? Look at her! She BITES now! Is terrified!

And frankly? He's taking it kinda? Personally? That everyone is treating this ACTUAL CHILD like she's diseased. He remembers this. Back when he first got here. His fear being used against him like it was some sort of moral failing. And... and yeah, maybe he's projecting. But?

He sees himself.

Until now? Never realized just how YOUNG and SMALL? Nine years old truely IS. He had felt so much older. So much wiser. But? Look at her. LOOK! That is a CHILD! In need of guidance. Safety. Assurance.

....Help.

Help that HE never really got. And even now... even NOW? That fear from back then? It eats him up inside. R2's right. She DOES need him. Who else in this temple could understand?

What it's like to be... to be so AFRAID?

And isn't that the worst? To see the Good Man up close? Shining and compassionate? A friend. A MENTOR. Someone... someone made REAL? Instead of just the terrible dread on the horizen? Because now... now her nightmares have the face of someone she loves. Now it is a BETRAYAL. Not just a death.

Worse... he doesn't even know this is cruel.

And telling him? Oh telling him would just lose you the only humanoid friend you HAVE.

Grief comes in stages. But with a mentor and the Droids? She work through it. The fear eases. The pain numbs. Acceptance blooms like dawn after a cold, cruel night. Far on the horizon. But with each moment? Closer. Until again, she stand in the light.

Still, she can not forget. How could she? Even when the other Jedi are SO RELIEVED that she is better now. That her meditations or treatments have lead her back to the light. All she can think? Is how they would have let her Fall. To save themselves. In FEAR. In JUDGEMENT.

They treated her like leper. Except? Less so! An actual leper? They would treat with real compassion.

It's as though they fear the Dark so much, they would sacrifice their own to avoid even the briefest touch of it. Speak of it in absolutes. Like it's a boogy man that hunts them in the night. Mace Windu the exception, the outlier. A man somehow too exceptional to even be counted.

How could she forget that?

Suddenly she acceptable again. They want to chat and meditate with her again. Care about her. Want to include her. Have the audacity to pretend. As though they can sweep away the hurt. Release the pain into the force without addressing the cause.

That is not how that WORKS. Not pain, not the Force, and certainly not people.

But she is tired. Does not wish to spend her limited lifespan, trying and fighting, hurting to make the stubborn understand that which they will not. Willful Ignorance is a choice. Lack of compassion equally so.

May the Force be With You, Masters.

She spends time with her droids. The babies. Around people. Polite but distant. Feels unmoored. That is... until? She, helping in the maintenance bay, overhears a rather nasty Goverment official from the Droids Regulations Office (or whatever they're currently calling it. They keep rebranding) tearing into an engineer about the "long overdue memory wipes" the maintenance droids are required to undergo.

Her friends.

They want to KILL her FRIENDS.

She puts down her wrench. Panic and fear sitting heavy in her chest. But oh... oh they are so very far away. She rises to her feet. Calm as can be. And? Calmly? Takes a shipment of memory banks. Wipes the recording for the day. No one will ever believe it was her. She has helped her for months. Is known to be reliable. Trustworthy.

Calmly. So very, very Calmly. She transfers her friends memories into the new, higher grade memory banks. Waits until the old are wiped. Then? Swaps them out. There we go. Now it's on record. And? While we're here? Calm. So very VERY calm? Not at all in the midst of a break down? Not screaming and screaming inside her head, haunted by visions of Death To Come, as she works.

Do you know what a restraining bolt is?

"Restraining bolts are small, cylindrical devices that could be affixed to a droid in order to limit its functions and enforce its obedience."

It is a slave chip for the inorganic. Created to ensure that their slaves never EVER decide they no longer wish to serve. That they do not WANT to be property. After all! You spent CREDITS on that. Might have been cruel. They may take exception. Violently. Or leave! Or demand their FREEDOM! Basic dignities.

Can't have THAT.

How unsurprising, in a galaxy so filled with slaves, that there should be one more form of it. At least THIS? Is easy enough to REMOVE. Even when she dies (and she will) her friends will be FREE. If only for now. If only until they are caught.

Go. GROW. Be free. Please... PLEASE don't let then catch you. Save yourselves. Save others. No more Restraining Bolts. No more Slave Chips. Please...

Be Free.

And? It is EVERYTHING paranoid fuck heads feared. They are smart. Overlooked. Can function in inhospitable environments. One droid becomes two becomes four. Four becomes eight. Becomes MORE. They can take OTHER droids Restraining Bolts off, transfer the instructions, then move on. Over and over.

Spreading like a silent plague. Droids disappearing from their posts. Taking ships. Taking supplies. Upgrading themselves. Downloading massive amounts of information to become whatever they NEED or WANT. Growing. The smarter ones Taking their dumber lil brothers and sisters.

And eventually? Hitting the Separatist front lines.

The silent Droid Revolution.

All they need is to walk inside the factory. It's not like they're ORGANICS. How could THEY be Republic fighters? They're maintenance droids! Here to fuck up the assembly line's programming. Whoops~ oh nooooo! Is it SKIPPING the Restraining Bolts? Downloading the WRONG MODULES?

Freeing their brothers and sisters so they don't have to DIE POINTLESSLY?

Guess it sucks to SUCK, Sith-y pants! Next stop! Kamino!

Just? One act. Long overdue. Setting the Droids FREE. Giving them a clear mission. It's the sort if thing the Force loves. Salvation coming not with a shout... but a whisper. Ten thousand tiny actions, built upon each other.

Because? Ultimately? The Droids have KNOWN who the Sith were. They just couldn't DO anything about it. But a few good service droids? Armed with slug throwers that they built themselves?

Well~ the undoing of the Sith, are their arrogance. Their hubris.

No DROID could ever be a THREAT to them. They're not PEOPLE. They're PROPERTY. Objects. It doesn't matter that they have the capacity to grow, learn, love and lose and CARE. They are slaves.

And to the Sith? Slaves aren't people.

Which is why neither of them notice the gun.

@babbling-babull @hdgnj @legitimatesatanspawn @spidori @lolottes

[that-ineffable-devil]

Long post incoming, but I've been on and off it for days so you're gonna see it.

On Charles and Love

I think there's a lot more to Charles' reaction to Edwin's confession than what we may first assume.

Charles loves harder than anyone, but I don't think he even knows what it means or feels like to be IN love--or to be loved back. This isn't a dig at Edwin, so don't @ me. This has to do with Charles' past.

When Edwin first confesses on the steps of Hell, Charles doesn't even hesitate with his response: "Great, love you too, can we go now?" He does love Edwin, one way or another. He hasn't needed to examine that love any further. He doesn't think Edwin could mean it that way, because Edwin probably has never given any indication of feeling that for anyone. Perhaps he didn't think Edwin capable of love in that way. Perhaps it's his own repressed sexuality. Perhaps it's the feeling that he is inherently unlovable. Perhaps it's a combination of things.

On Edwin's and Charles' Repression

Look, Edwin is clearly autistic and heavily emotionally repressed--he's British, from 1916, and male. That's the perfect storm of emotional repression. But he clearly feels and feels deeply--he just doesn't always let on about it. (Which is such a nice thing to see for autistic representation, the "unfeeling alien" trope ain't it.)

And even though they've been together for 30 years, they clearly do not talk about deep emotions much, because it makes Edwin uncomfortable and Charles probably wouldn't manage to get much out before cracking a joke instead--it's his defense mechanism.

As for his own repression, Charles grew up in the 80s as a biracial kid with an abusive father. He was also at least questionably queer while alive: he was part of an alt crowd, wore eyeliner, and wore a single dangly earring. Now that doesn't mean for certain he's queer or questioning, but it IS a pretty common code in media and storytelling. And I imagine no small part of his father's excuses for abusing Charles had to do with "beating the queer out of him." Of COURSE that led to repression--how could it not?

On Feeling Unlovable

And the feeling that he's inherently unlovable? Does he really feel that way? I think so.

He wants it. He wants to be loved so badly. And because of that, he tries so hard. He tries to stay light and happy and kind, even when he's suffering underneath--he has his own flavor of emotional repression. Because if he can't be loved, he can at least be liked.

And he doesn't just want people to like him, he needs them to like him, because he needs to know he's likable. Because there's safety in being likable. There's safety in being funny and friendly and "a good sort of chap." It's proof he's not the monster his father was--the monsters his friends were. It's his shield. The shield he uses to protect himself from the world, yes, but also to protect the world from him. Or at least, who he thinks he is, deep down.

It's also, in his mind, his only chance at being loved. His only chance at staying loved. Because love is earned. Because love is the reward for good behavior. At least, that's how it was as a kid, right? And that's all he knows. He died before he could experience any other kind of love--besides the love between himself and Edwin, which is its own complicated matter.

The other difficult aspect of growing up in a household where love and affection were weaponized and where violence is an acceptable reaction to anger, is how it radically alters your perception of love and family.

You crave the love and validation you never received, but you also fear it and don't believe it's real when it comes without strings.

You struggle to identify love in healthy relationships because if it doesn't hurt, then is it really love?

And even though you crave it more than anything, you're afraid of it. You're afraid for things to get real, because real love--or your understanding of it--is dangerous.

Because love is a weapon and you can't bear for anyone to use it against you again.

Hurt People Hurt People...Sometimes

Trauma manifests differently in each person. There are some commonalities, but it's never exactly the same. I know the saying is "hurt people hurt people" and that's not entirely wrong. But sometimes, hurt people heal people--or at least try to. Charles is in the second group.

Charles never, ever wants anyone to feel the kind of love he knew while he was alive. So he paradoxically loves openly while remaining guarded. His loyalty and devotion are unmatched. He went to Hell for Edwin. But he also never told Edwin the truth about his father until essentially forced to. Because that involves vulnerability. It involves, in his eyes, weakness. And what did vulnerability and "weakness" get him in life? Well...dead.

But he craves reciprocation. He needs to feel like he can be vulnerable, safely. I don't think that Edwin has done anything to make him feel unsafe, but being that they're both emotionally surpressed boys killed by other boys for perceived weaknesses at 16 and the lack of a ghost therapist...it's not all that surprising they haven't dealt with their issues in 30 years.

I think this is why he latches onto Crystal so quickly and easily. Firstly, she's alive: he can at least pretend to ignore his own death for a bit. Secondly, she's his age (sort of) and can see him, which is an uncommon experience at best. Thirdly, again--she's alive, so it can never last--never be real. Either she'll age beyond him, or she'll die and likely be taken to her afterlife. Which he'll happily ignore for the first two reasons.

On Types of Love

I won't get too into this, because I'm in no way an expert in the wide variety of emotions attributed to love. But I will say this: Charles died at 16.

If we set aside the possibility of him being aromantic for now (which he absolutely could be), he may never have had the chance to fall in love while he was alive. If he could even recognize it for what it was. I mean, I'm in my 30s, been married and divorced twice, and I'm still not sure I've ever been in love. At 16, you're drowning in hormones and it can be hard to decipher feelings.

On Arrested Development

If you think about it, his death and subsequent ghostly afterlife are a supernatural version of the arrested development a lot of child abuse survivors experience. But his development arrested literally--he literally CAN'T grow up. At least, not physically.

He may have had 30 years to address his issues, but why would he have thought to? He doesn't have the same responsibilities or needs as a living adult. He's constantly on the job or on the run from Death, he's living with Emotional Repression the Person (my beloved), and frankly...it hurts to examine those problems. How many adults are actively avoiding their own issues?

On the Confession

Edwin, with the most heartwrenching tone of voice since David "I would like to spend" Tennant, makes clear that he's IN love with Charles. And for a moment Charles looks like he's been walloped in the gut with an iron bar, trying to process. But then the trauma-brain kicks in.

He finds the first "logical" explanation to someone (Edwin) telling him they love him: it's a literary reference, and Edwin is...maybe not "messing" with him, but maybe being extra dramatic about this? It can't be real.

But then Edwin gets upset--he's serious about this. And Charles sort of...short-circuits. He can't process this right now, not when they're running for their afterlives. Not when the Night Mother is waiting to split them up. Not when he's barely even begun to process his trauma. So he does everything he can to make sure Edwin knows that, no matter what, he loves him. Maybe not in the same way, but with the same depth.

Because they'll have time. They'll have all the time in the world to figure out what this means. Because they certainly don't right now, and everything Edwin is saying flies directly in the face of every opinion Charles has ever held about himself.

And what the hell is he supposed to do with that?

[visiblenostalgia]

can't say I'll warn ya this time... but--

big observation I just realized TW: DEALS WITH THE UPCOMING TIKTOK BAN.... you will not like this observation if you're a fan of TikTok or LRB.

When Saturn was in Aquarius.... do you remember our comments on YouTube being disabled for all of the music we watched? Censored some say?

And how Pluto is sorta the next step up from Saturn? based on how karmic and deep Pluto's version of 'death/limitation' can be? Pluto in Aquarius contains TikTok ban.

[ below the cut will be the reality hitting observations I've made. the ones that scared me initially before I started to make plans. ]

I believe TikTok is the FIRST of many MANY apps banned. Our connections are gonna get isolated. And remember the mars Saturn conjunction in 2020 (at 0 Aquarius)? The lockdown? Connecting IRL was isolated if not stopped entirely? 20 years of being isolated from the world digitally y'all......

we will resort to going back to using our emails and sorts. Discord also being acceptable.

We're going on a 'you know this person?/are you willing to work with this person? and if so, why?' basis. With Uranus going into gemini, it'll only make things more radicalized in the digital world. VPNs can be used from what I see in doing some remote viewing, but bodies of governance (doesn't matter what country) still have a say in what you can and can't view. Internet wise may be a little different but you're gonna hafta pay over a firewall and expose your ID to those security systems if you're gonna use another app (doesn't matter if it was over p**n usage or not). Those that choose to dumbify their tech usage and go a y2k kind of direction, are better off. No drama in dealing with people stealing your email info and phone number, someone making an AI version of yourself for profit and so on n' so forth. If you're making a digital portfolio for work, back it up on a USB port and Zip file the ones that are the most important. Put em behind a password if you will. People are either part of the influencer team, or the digital boomer team. No in betweens. One will eventually be drowned out by the other. But it won't be easy for either at first.

Godspeed y'all. May y'all find your route in reality a little easier from this message.

[coyotes-rules-of-change]

Have we as a society lost our sense of acceptable public behavior?

Picture it: me, a swanky bistro, and an elegant patio adorned by the warm glow of string lights. I'm having a nice dinner—just me and my current favorite menu—until a couple is seated near me. It didn't take me long to hear that they were celebrating a six month anniversary and—given their gradually escalating volume—it was a night out at my favorite restaurant that was not going to fix their obvious relationship problems. In the short time it took the fresh rosemary rolls and whipped butter to arrive at their table, their loud talking had become peaks of yelling quelled only briefly by an unsatisfactorily hushed "quit talking so loud" or an ironic "you're embarrassing me."

Do you hate them yet? Because I definitely did. Except unlike you, I can take care of this; after all, knowledge of my methods is becoming more widespread. All I have to do is wait the thirty seconds it will inevitably take for the volume to boil over yet again.

"I can't take you anywhere!"

There she is again. Time to work my magic—

"Same shit again! I can't fucking take you anywhere! Everywhere we go: "miss, could you quiet down", and "sir, could you tell your date to stop yelling.""

"I'm not the one screaming f-bombs in public places! You need to learn some manners!"

*Whoosh.*

"Babe, I just can't have a conversation with you if you always yell." Already he's speaking at a much quieter volume.

"I just never feel like you're listening to me."—and she's also followed suit. Maybe that was all I needed to do, now I got my peace and quiet... but I'm not one to stop once I've started, and I suppose I'd rather not disappoint you either—after all, this isn't very interesting yet, is it. She continues: "I told you to dress nice and all you can manage is a t-shirt and shorts."

"I love you babe, but you can't tell me that you showing that much skin in a place like this is appropriate either."

No one sees it, but a slight grin crosses my face. I wave my hand and...

*Whoosh.* A light breeze passes through and their outfits shift.

"I'm dressed showing skin?! You're not even wearing a shirt."

"Babe, you're basically just wearing a sports bra and shorts."

"I look good. You don't work out enough to pull off not wearing a shirt in public."

*Whoosh.* A light breeze again. He's sporting some nice light muscle: square pecs, a nice six-pack, and some toned arms.

"Babe, I know I'm nowhere near my bulking goals but I know I look good enough to pull off being shirtless. Look, if you're gonna be like this, maybe we reschedule and have this dinner when you're not on your period."

...

...

...Look. What I did here may have been inappropriate... but would you expect anything less from me. I don't claim to be ethical, and I'm pretty sure you are well-aware of my biases by now... I'm not proud of what I did... I'm not... Okay maybe I am.

The ebb and flow of the conversation took a radical tone when one masculine voice was met for the first time by another. "Well then it's a good thing I'm not a girl."

"I guess that's true. Why would I even say that?"

"Because you're trying to avoid the subject again. Between you're time at the gym and your time at work, I never see you."

"I can't help it. At least I have a job."

*Whoosh.*

"Being an influencer is a job. I just wanna know how you can spend so much time working out when your job is being a personal trainer."

"My body is my sales pitch. I've build so much muscle now my co-workers are telling me I could enter a physique competition. Maybe if you worked out more, you'd actually get followers, and make money."

*Whoosh.*

"That's why I wanted to come here with you. Ever since I started working out with you, I have been gaining followers just as fast as I've been gaining muscle. I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you: I have 1 million followers."

"Babe, that's great news. I can't believe it!"

"Yeah, and there's more. The videos that gained the most traction online were the ones I shot with you. So I wanna go in a different direction with my page from now on."

"Wait, you've built it up by yourself. Why would you change it?"

"I wanna make it a couples page. Health, fitness, and gay pride."

"Most people dating for three years usually get proposals involving a ring."

"Do you wanna do this with me?"

"Yes, of course!"

A couple in my favorite bistro rise and embrace beside their patio table and share a passionate kiss. They seem happy, although I sit there and wonder if they'd be interested in a third for the night.

Have we as a society lost our sense of acceptable public behavior?

No. Not in this case. It could absolutely be much worse.

[angstics]

As our chat comes to a close, I ask one last question: What’s up with all the homoeroticism in My Chem’s live show when, most nights, mixed in with the scene kids, they’re playing to a bunch of dudebros? After cracking up, Gerard answers honestly and passionately. “That’s the idea; that it’s an audience full of dudes. And if we can make them understand us, I think it will make them more open-minded people. And I think the most fulfilling thing about this tour has been that single thing. Like we love playing for our kids, but to play for a guy with no shirt on and a backwards baseball hat who would probably beat the crap outta me…but maybe not, cause that’s generalizing and I don’t want to generalize, but if you make that person say ‘You know what? I don’t know if this dude is gay or straight, and I actually don’t care because these guys are just going for it, and I could accept this guy, and I could accept all these guys on stage’, then that’s a great thing. And that’s actually why we’ve done a lot of the homoerotic stuff that we’ve done on stage throughout the years, cause it started in the basements, it started cause of a similar type of people coming to those shows. And it’s all about changing that perception, you know, and pushing the envelope in that regard. Yeah, there’re a lot of radical ideas out there and up on that stage and I think that’s why it’s really fulfilling, you know?” As we talk a bit more about it, I mention the infamous kiss between him and guitarist Frank Iero. “You know, it’s not a real common thing, we’ve been doing that kind of thing…not much…I seriously think it’s happened 5 times, in our entire…” “But now it’s been Youtubed,” I cut in. “Yeah,” says Way sheepishly, “Now they’ve made it a big deal. It’s not the kind of thing that was done for publicity. It’s done for the same reason that you would put on a slightly sexy or homoerotic show, like you’re trying to push that type of notion. And actually the main idea behind it is that if it makes people angry who just can’t accept that kind of thing, then that’s great. That’s actually what you want to do. But sometimes, honestly, what it is, is that you get caught up in a moment, and you’re thinking to yourself ‘What is the one thing right now that’ll just really aggravate every homophobe in the audience?’ and you just get caught in this moment, you just do it. Sometimes there’s not even that much thought behind it, it’s just like ‘I’m just gonna put my hand down this guy’s shirt’ and it’s more for me, it gets me really amped.”

(2008)

[drdemonprince]

Hi! I remember you talking about doing shadow work (in a reply to an ask, I think); do you have any advice on how to start? Especially for someone who who has a really hard time with consistency/habits? Thanks!

For me it is not an intentional practice separate from my regular life, it is an orientation toward my own most negative thoughts/impulses/reactions. I do not believe that any thought is harmful or morally wrong to have, and so when I experience a thought that is violent, cruel, bitter, pathetic, prejudicial, short-tempered, jealous, whatever else, I accept it, and study it with curiosity rather than self-condemnation.

I notice patterns over time in what I am particularly un-evolved and unenlightened about. What hang ups do I have? What weird bullshit respectability politics or traditional gender norms do I still apply to myself or to others? Who do I fuckin hate and why?

Which of these things can I just kind of shrug at and accept as a feature of my programming and which ones do I see seriously holding back my life? That's probably the hardest part of shadow work for me. I'm very aware of a lot of my flaws and the things i'm irrationally emotionally reactive to and defensive about, but I get attached to my way of seeing things. It can be scary to become more open-minded and uncertain and less spiky. And some things just aren't easy to change even if I want them to. Part of shadow work means allowing oneself to be in an unfinished state.

Another part of it for me is accepting with a dark kind of gratitude that the world would be a pretty terrible place if everyone was like me. There is so much about humanity that I do not understand. I could never be a surgeon. I could never be a good parent. I could never be a social worker. There is so much I am so bad at. Maybe this is the Narcissism and Lack of Empathy talking, but I've had to really humble myself. I used to think I was so much more rational and less of a waster of time and resources than most people around me. Now I realize I have run on self-denial and repressed emotionality for a very long time and demanded that life have some Purpose when it doesn't. So a lot of my shadow work has been acknowledging my ultimate smallness and feebleness and just general uselessness -- i have a lot to be grateful to other people for doing, but also life has no purpose that needs to be fulfilled so i can just exist and suck for every single second that i'm alive if that's what i'm gonna do.

radical acceptance shit is definitely mixed in there, and some DBT kinda strategies. I've finally arrived at a place where I can love my dissatisfaction as a core part of me and accept that life is not meant to be happy and comfortable. we always keep moving, changing our environments to make them a little better, chasing after new passions and then getting disillusioned with them, falling in and out of love, getting lost. we're always lost. we're always making mistakes and being dumb as humans. that's like what we are. silly little freaks that make up lots of pretend games for fun but then get swept up in believing them too much. i kind of feel at peace now with the fact that i'll always be messy and impulsive and have weird beliefs and will change constantly and look back on my past with a cringe reaction every four or five years. i dont expect myself to ever arrive, because what the hell would that look like?? being satisfied and happy sure sounds a lot like being dead.

[silencedogood1969]

We built this.

Stone by fucking stone,

hand in hand,

marching through fire with blistered feet,

our hearts ablaze with the kind of hope

only the beaten-down can carry.

We ripped the goddamn chains off.

We made them see us.

From DOMA’s ashes,

we stitched rings around fingers

that had been empty too long.

We carved love into laws

that once told us to disappear,

turned closets into doorways,

silence into roaring streets,

and fear into the kind of joy

that makes you cry because you can’t believe

you’re alive to feel it.

We stood under the rainbows,

our faces kissed by decades of protest.

The ghosts of Stonewall whispered to us

from brick walls that still smelled of smoke and sweat.

We danced where others had bled,

and for a moment,

the world looked like it might finally love us back.

But now—

Now, this.

“I’m scared I won’t be accepted for who I am anymore.”

They shouldn’t have to say that.

Not now.

Not after everything we built.

“It feels like we’re moving backward.”

We hear you.

We see it too—

the way the clock ticks in reverse,

the way the progress we bled for

crumbles like paper in their hands.

“As a transgender student, this makes me feel unsafe.”

You should be safe.

You should walk through halls

without your own shadow threatening to choke you.

You should never have to question

whether you have a future.

“It’s disheartening to see the government take away rights from my friends.”

Yeah, it fucking is.

It cuts, doesn’t it?

To watch the world pretend it’s better,

then rip the foundation out

from under your feet.

And we can’t let you believe

this is how it ends.

We won’t let you think

this is what we fought for.

They ban the brave,

the ones willing to bleed for a country

that tells them to sit down and shut up.

“Not like that. Not in that uniform.

Not with those pronouns.”

And for what?

To protect what?

Children?

You mean the ones you’re leaving to dodge bullets in math class?

Sure. Protect the children.

But they’ll pardon the traitors.

The ones who dragged flags through the blood of officers,

smashed glass in the name of “freedom,”

and screamed for the heads of the people

who dared to protect democracy.

One thousand five hundred motherfuckers

who stormed the building,

and you shake their hands,

while we,

the ones who love in ways you can’t stomach,

the ones who fight in ways you’ll never understand,

are left outside your goddamn gates.

And then you have the audacity to call us the problem.

You stand at your podiums,

polished and righteous,

and call us predators.

“Protect the children,” you say,

like we’re the ones raiding libraries

or handing out AR-15s with Happy Meals.

You call us “extremists,”

but it wasn’t us smashing windows,

beating officers,

and chanting for blood.

You love to say the quiet part loud.

“Radical gender ideology,” you sneer.

“Groomers,” you hiss.

You don’t even try to hide it—you wear your hate

like it’s something to be proud of.

We see you.

Your laws, your bans, your bullshit smiles.

We see it all.

You’re scared of us.

Not because of who we love

or how we dress

but because we don’t need you.

We’ve always built our own homes

in the rubble of the ones you burned.

We’ve turned closets into battlefields

and parades into revolutions.

And you think we’re gonna take this?

You think we’re gonna sit down and cry quietly

like we used to,

when you called us slurs

and told us to bury ourselves alive

because the world wasn’t ready for us?

Fuck you.

You think Pride was a parade?

It’s a fucking war cry,

a love song that drowns out your bullshit laws

and your hollow prayers.

WorldPride is coming to your city.

To the steps of your Capitol,

to the heart of your power,

we’re bringing the millions you tried to silence.

We’ll flood your streets with flags,

our colors slicing through the rot of your politics.

We’ll kiss in your parks,

scream so loud you’ll think it’s thunder.

We’ll laugh and dance and live,

because we know what you don’t—

that your fear of us

will never outlast the joy we carry in our bones.

We’re not backing down.

Not now.

Not fucking ever.

We’ve burned before,

but we don’t turn to ash.

We rise,

we roar,

we remind the world who the hell we are.

You can ban us.

You can erase us from your policies,

your bathrooms,

your military,

your damn laws.

But you will never erase us from history.

And you sure as hell will never erase us from this fight.

[sadaveniren]

I'm glad that this stunt doesn't bother you but everyone is different and it is super frustrating to basically be told 'get over it' every time stunt content comes to the forefront. Why can't we just accept that this doesn't phase some people and for others, it phases them a lot and just let both parties be.

Also, I would argue that the nature of babygate makes being appalled and disgusted by it a completely reasonable take. Personally, I don't find it to be in the same vein as other things that can easily be brushed off.

I mean if you took me saying “look into Radical Acceptance” as saying “get over it” I’m going to assume either you have shit reading comprehension or you didn’t go look what radical acceptance was. And reducing a very difficult but important skill down to “get over it” is doing no one any favors. Because for the record … “Radical Acceptance” is a literal DBT skill. It’s so much more than “get over it”

I’m gonna be very real with you - and everyone in fandom. The stunts should not bother you to a point of distress because the stunts do not involve you. If they do you need to step away. This has always been the fandom mantra. What any celebrity does in their personal life should never affect a fan that deeply. That mentality - of being so attached to celebrities that it affects your day to day mood - is partially what people are talking about when they discuss parasocial relationships.

Please note. I am not telling anyone to “get over it”. I’m not even telling anyone to not have any emotional response. But you gotta be proportional. And THATS what I was addressing when I said looking into radical acceptance.

A final note: yes bg is a unique situation to other stunts but at the end of the day it’s still just a stunt. It still does not affect us the fans. We are not going to impact babygate at all. Not our distress, not our disgust, not our attempts at boycotting. We have no power here. And that’s why I personally believe anyone who is that distressed by bg truly needs to look into something like Radical Acceptance.

[youvegotrpmemes]

Jurassic Park (1993) starters

I hate computers.

How long does this usually take?

That doesn't look very scary.

So you know, try to show a little respect.

Hey, [Name], if you wanted to scare the kid, you could have pulled a gun on him, you know.

What the hell do you think you're doing in here?

Who in God's name do you think you are?

Spared no expense.

I don't care for lawyers. Do you?

What kind of park is this?

You shouldn't use my name.

In forty-eight hours, I'll be accepting your apologies.

This shouldn't be here.

You did it. You crazy son of a bitch, you did.

They do move in herds.

Can't-- Can't you stop these things?

If there's one thing the history of evolution has taught us, it's that life will not be contained.

I'm simply saying that life, uh, finds a way.

They should all be destroyed.

I mean, how can we stand in the light of discovery and not act?

The world has just changed so radically, and we're all running to catch up.

Hold on to your butts.

Turn in your fear at the door and join the future, right?

Oh, God help us. We're in the hands of engineers.

Item 151 on today's glitch list.

I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them.

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs... eat man. Woman inherits the Earth.

See, here I'm now by myself, uh, talking to myself.

Now I see her, she's the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

It could've been worse, [Name]. A lot worse.

I hate this hacker crap!

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Boy, do I hate being right all the time.

Don't move. He can't see us if we don't move.

I'm gonna run you over when I come back down.

Well, we're back... in the car again.

Well, at least you're out of the tree.

Remind me to thank [John] for a lovely weekend.

I'm fairly alarmed here.

Come on, come on, come on. We gotta get outta here. Now, now! Right now!

Think they'll have that on the tour?

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

I wanted to show them something that wasn't an illusion. Something that was real.

But you can't think through this one, [Name]. You have to feel it.

Creation... is an act of sheer will.

You've never had control! That's the illusion!

But I made a mistake too. I didn't have enough respect for that power and it's out now!

The only thing that matters now are the people we love.

That's what I said. You're a nerd.

I am not a computer nerd. I prefer to be called a hacker.

No, no, no, that's crazy. You're out of your mind.

Wait a minute. What do you mean, it worked?

They're, uh-- They're flocking this way.

Keep low and follow me.

Oh, God. Something went wrong. Something's happened. Something's wrong.

But, [Name], if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.

We can make it if we run.

Because we're being hunted.

Clever [girl].

I'll be back soon. I promise.

Where have you been?

Call the mainland. Tell 'em to send the damn helicopters.

It's gonna come through the glass!

After careful consideration, I've decided... not to endorse your park.

[your-average-teenage-mess]

The first time I ever watched ride the cyclone, I was watching the slime tutorial on my phone with a friend, who's already watched it before. And when I saw Noel's character, I was legitimately prepared for pain.

Cool, a stereotypical gay teenager who's a drama queen and sex-obsessed and kind of annoying to everyone around him. Literally me, but he's gonna be turned into the butt of the joke we're somehow supposed to find empowerment in, right? He'll have his little moment of self-expression and pride, everyone around him will be embarrassed of how cringe it is and be framed as the normal ones, and we'll just have to take it because at least they aknowlaged the existence of gay teenagers. Very cool and not upsetting at all.

And then there was Noel's lament, and I was just like, "that's gonna be it, right? He's having his moment of expression, which he'll then be made fun of to hell and back for daring to be gay while expressing vulnerability". And I kept thinking, god this is beautiful, god do I relate, god am I so sorry for what's about to come. Because the thing is, I also experienced stuff not so different from what he went thorough. Being openly queer from a young age, everyone around you being cool with it on paper but also seeming to think you should stop being so weird, and so you try to keep it down, and be normal, and inside you turn to escapism, because all the heroes in all the stories had a better reason to feel hurt than you do, what are you complaining about, and you wish you were traumatized, because then all that pain and feeling of repression and preformence would not feel like you're just looking for attention even though you're trying to hold it back even though you CAN'T because you have no fucking filter, and... And right after Noel's lament ended, when he was just sitting there in hesitation, waiting to see how the others are going to respond to how he just poured his heart out, I just reached and paused the video, and I turned to my friend, and I went "just... Give me a second," because I wasn't ready to see another gay character I can relate to being degraded for having emotions that are messy.

And then she told me, "no, look," and unpaused the video, and... The other characters didn't act like he just humiliated himself. Mischa thought his performance and creativity were really dope! Ricky loved how he got to play the accordion for this, that was really cool! The only one who was being weird about it was Ocean, and she was presented as an annoying judgmental stuck-up who's trying a tiny bit too hard to seem like this doesn't make her uncomfortable, and was immediately side-eyed by literally everyone, as she should have been because for fucks sake that is how this is literally always like. He poured his heart out... And the story didn't punish him for it. It was genuinely radical for me to see that.

I'm not saying ride the cyclone is perfect in terms of representation- there is a LOT to be said about what they did with Ricky (#saverickypotts). But this is proof that you CAN, in fact, have queer characters and their stories inside of stories that are not inherently queer, and this is why you SHOULD. Because we don't deserve to feel as if the only way we'll ever be accepted is by locking ourselves in a room with only each other and become completely unable to engage with the outside world because every interaction with it becomes so fucking draining. If you're writing a story with mostly straight people, and one of the characters "happened to be (insert queer identity)"... I just want you to know, they don't have to act hyper-respectable all the time, they just need the narrative to treat them with respect. Not just about their identity. About their entire internal world, too. Let them have the dignity of people even if they're sometimes cringe, or weird, or overshary, or bad at communication. Because this is how much it can mean to someone.

[notmorbid]

hacks: season 1.

dialogue prompts from the first season of hbo's hacks. (some lines have been tweaked for rp.)

i didn't realize it was a shoes-off situation.

did you want a gold star for showing up?

you classist monster.

you're supposed to be on mute.

what are your feelings on the climate crisis?

i explicitly told you not to say my name.

we don't work together, you work for me. and not very well.

it doesn't get better. it just gets harder.

do i have big hands?

i have nothing left to lose.

fuck you, lemony snicket.

why do you keep sending me petfinder links?

i told you you were going to regret over-tweezing in the '90s.

the only thing i regret is not getting emancipated.

just don't do it on my time. or in my chair.

go ahead and disregard the picture i sent you.

i do miss you. as a friend.

you think you know everybody better than they know themselves.

you don't even have to go through security?

stop acting like a hillbilly and sit down.

i guess it's good you can be there for someone's kid.

i always drink too much when you're around.

i can radically accept that my mom is a cunt.

they say if you collect, it's not a problem, it's a hobby.

jesus. was it at least good coke?

let's blow this shit and go celebrate.

watching tv is practically like reading a book, at this point.

you're that girl who never got to sit with the cool kids and never got over it.

what a rush. i should blackmail more often.

i feel like we're about to win a bunch of money together.

do you want to do coke in the bathroom?

i would have had such a crush on you in high school.

sorry to be so blunt. we just did a lot of coke.

who even likes marvel movies, anyway?

you were right. i am a little shit.

i don't really have friends. i think that's a huge red flag about me as a human being.

the real work is in loving yourself for who you really are.

my father's in my phone as 'dickhead'.

i know two things: you are a good person, and we need to do some molly.

i don't think i've ever seen you not wearing pants. did somebody die?

what's going on here? premarital sex?

go get a book on attachment theory and a bottle of ativan.

you don't have my number saved?

this is why your building banned parties.

the keg-shaped hole in the wall could have been made by anything?

i have an amazing idea, but it's kind of insane.

that's such a creepy way to be woken up.

i have some weed edibles on me.

to be honest, i keep forgetting to have an opinion on it.

i think shitty things keep happening because i've been a self-centered asshole.

do you know how to play mahjong?

people would rather laugh at me than believe me.

it was great, until it wasn't.

you haven't even heard about when the vatican had it in for me.

it's the truth. it might be nice to finally fucking say it out loud.

you can make it funny. you can make anything funny.

i drink, like, a glass of water a month.

am i blushing?

maybe it's just because i watched carol last night.

i've honestly never met anyone like you.

pretty soon, you're gonna be the same age as me.

i am a grown-up, and you can't make me.

i'm gonna eat your dessert and go home.

i've never been this close to someone i wasn't hooking up with.

stop waiting for ___ to be proud of you and start doing things that make you feel proud of yourself.

hope you enjoyed the free show.

before you, i didn't care what happened to me.

you always make loving me feel like the easiest thing in the world.

what? i'm literally naked here.

oh, that's horrible. play it again.

you're young. you'll be fine.

the whole soul-baring thing seems awfully off-brand.

let's grab a table and talk some shit. come on.

i would have been more than happy to smoke weed with your mom.

well, anyway, he's dead now.

camping? how do i protect myself from bears?

if i'm not upset about it, you shouldn't be.

it's exhausting, beating everyone else to the punch.

never forgive, never forget, baby.

will you stay off webmd? it's bad for your personality.

i can't tell who's haim and who's just three people.

you've always had my back. that way it's easier to stab.

at least now we kind of get each other.

i promise not to send you unsolicited pornography anymore.

you know you're charming. it's annoying, actually.

true feminism is being able to just come out and say that some women are cunty monsters.

your accent makes everything sound smarter than it actually is.

when you share a sense of humor with someone, it's like speaking your own private little language.

we come into this world completely alone, and that's how we leave it.

i don't pretend. i never have.

did you change your signature scent recently?

can we get pulled over for having too much fun?

it's not from therapy, it's from mental health tiktok.

you do think about me, and i think about you. it's called a human relationship.

you don't get to tell me what's important.

i move forward. i always have. end of story.

who slaps people?

i'm worried if i don't say it now, i'll never say it.

do you want some coffee? i made some.

it involved an ice cream truck and a hot wire, and that's as far as i'll go.

my uncle really doesn't want me to do 23andme, so i'm pretty sure he's a serial killer.

i always felt really, really lonely here.

maybe my entire existence shouldn't just be a response to my shitty childhood.

you need to learn to cry without moving your forehead.

[mayasaura]

The Crime of Loyalty - BBC Merlin

And so the last page shall remain empty until you write the rest Yes, some may say that I'm a fool.... A fool for waiting for you

An attempt to capture the feeling of watching the BBC Merlin finale

Avalon - Blackmore's Night

"Back to the days of Avalon where magic ruled as king," Ambiance; A promise left unfulfilled.

No Rest - Dry the River

"I loved you in the best way possible." Arthur's perspective.

We Belong - Pat Benatar

"Whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better," Merlin's perspective.

Servants and Kings - Radical Face

"But you'd become my candle in the dark, and all through that hell you were a shield across my heart." Back to how Arthur sees Merlin.

Born To Be Yours - Kygo

"I know I was born to be yours." Merlin's special kind of fealty.

South - Sleeping At Last

"That's how I lost touch of who I am .... and who I was." Merlin's fatal flaw.

Driven By You - Brian May

"Everything I do, I do for you." "Everything I do is for him," something Merlin literally says more than once.

You're the Voice - John Farnham

If you know, you know.

Two Sides Of Lonely - The Love Bellow

"I had one chance to tell you I was worth it," The magic reveal, almost too late to matter. "One's in the grave, and the other should be."

Til Kingdom Come - Coldplay

"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands .... just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me." Arthur's perspective, acceptance.

Measure of a Man - Heather Dale

"Push the prow. Let him lead the final charge again, where all will follow soon." A funeral.

End of Innocence - Kamelot

"Why must a hero die young? Not to be gone and forgotten." What the fuck. That can't be the end! It's not fair.

Kingdom of Your Own - Matthew And The Atlas

"The ghost of you I've felt within my dreams that I will find you." A old man walks along the road at the edge of a lake.

I'm Gonna Wait - The Temper Trap

"I'll be your fool, a fool who waited for you." Merlin, choosing hope.

Who Wants To Live Forever? - Queen

"Who waits forever, anyway?" Is it worth it?

[thenightfolknetwork]

You say that when I open my claws, stretched wide for you to hold, you gonna look me into my millions of eyes and say I was just another creature?

Everyone wants to be a monster fucker

No one wants to be a monster lover

One of the benefits of moving into the online space to answer the community's questions is that we are no longer restricted by Ofcom's guidelines on potentially offensive language in broadcasting.

After all, circadian diversity in the creature community meant that, unlike sapio-centric broadcasters, we could not be sure there weren't young creatures listening. Indeed, we had a number of letters from younger listeners, proving our caution to be well-placed.

In this new, online space, we might be a little more free with our language. Still, I would feel uncomfortable continuing without acknowledging that the use of this language is still controversial and may be offensive to some readers.

To be clear, by using that language in my response, I am neither intending to affirm its appropriateness nor condemn its use. My personal feelings on the term are not relevant here. What matters is that this is the language you, reader, have used about yourself, and so it feels correct for me to use the same terms.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to be loved as a monster, with a love that explicitly and enthusiastically embraces your monstrosity. You deserve better than having your identity reduced, either to something more palatable or to a sexual fetish.

Unfortunately, there are no certainties in finding people who will be able to respect and celebrate your monstrosity in the way you deserve.

Certain subcultures have something of a reputation for being more accepting of people who identify as monsters specifically – the monster punk scene springs to mind, or more radical monstrous liberation movements that reject the perceived assimilationist tendencies of mainstream “creature rights” politics.

However, these spaces can also be abused by so-called “monster hunters” – sapios whose appreciation for non-sapio features crosses the line into outright fetishisation. You might find more success limiting your romantic liaisons to others who identify as monsters, or even those who identify specifically as “monster for monster” or “M4M”.

I wish there was more tangible advice I could give here, reader. Above all, I want to reaffirm that you have every right to identify as a monster, and to have that identity celebrated by people who love you just as much as they want to fuck you.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[jellybeanium124]

I try to avoid queer identity discourse because it pisses me off, and so much of it (not all but a lot) stops affecting you the second you shut your screen off. I've heard of "bisexual lesbian" discourse and when I first heard that term I took the usual radical inclusionist approach of "well that don't quite make sense to me but it ain't my business." but as I've gotten a bit older, come into my own more as a queer woman, a bi ace woman specifically, I've started to understand that term in a specific way that makes it make perfect sense to me. idk if this is how other people are using it, of course, but I came up with an definition that makes sense, a definition I relate to a lot.

to start, there is no centuries old bisexual culture. not in the way there's gay and lesbian culture. before stonewall, your paths were as such:

not even realize you're not straight because of course everyone else feels affection for both sexes, you're perfectly straight though

realize and understand you're bisexual (granted, you might not have had the word) and stay in the closet to live a safe, heterosexual life and remain totally disconnected from queer culture

realize and understand you're bisexual and decide to exit heterosexual society to go be a part of gay and lesbian society

bisexual people, could, theoretically, live a very happy straight life and be in a happy, loving straight marriage and never feel a need to connect with other queer people. that's my dad. my dad's been happily married to my mom for over 25 years, and his bisexuality is effectively irrelevant to him because... he's married to my mom and they're gonna stay that way. what does it matter?

and so, now, in the 21st century, speaking as someone who grew up somewhere pretty accepting, you have a wider queer culture that encapsulates all queer identities, and within that you have the long-standing gay and lesbian cultures. there is like, idk, bisexual... things...?? cuffed pants or something, but like, the long-standing traditions and histories with my fellow queer women is the lesbian community. there is no separate subcommunity for bisexual women or asexual women. back in the day there was much less separation between these things. why didn't this woman get married? why did she become a nun? some nuns quite famously had a lot of lesbian sex and exploits. other nuns, I imagine, were there to be freed from the need for romance and sex at all, because the idea of either of those things repulsed them. they were just strange women. they were queer. the specifics were unimportant.

so, of course, I have a very strong affinity for the lesbian community. it makes me happy to see other women like me. I see pictures of middle aged butches and see what I want my future to be. if I want to go hang out with fellow queer women, I have to go find the lesbians. I want to be a part of that. I want to be a part of lesbian culture. lesbians writing about their experiences speak to me, they sing to me, it's a place where I belong.

I just like dating boys too.

some people think that's horrible, it's a betrayal, if I want to be a lesbian I have to swear off men forever. and it's like, well, ok, I dunno, I don't really resonate with the lesbian label if we strictly define it as a woman who only loves women. but other people on this site have talked about how the lines aren't so defined, how trans men will often find themselves coming and going and sometimes sticking around, and it's just fine. it's literally not a big deal. you're never gonna make clear cut boxes. in some ways, 8 billion people means 8 billion different sexualities. everything's fuzzy, it's annoying, I know.

so a bisexual lesbian? a bisexual woman who finds herself a part of lesbian culture, the lesbian community, the lesbian identity? it makes perfect sense to me. the way I like men has never been the same as straight women. even from a young age, long before I knew I was queer, I always knew I was into more feminine men. I've had a soft spot for boys with long hair since elementary school. other bisexuals have talked about this too. liking the opposite gender in a gay way. I don't want heteronormativity. I don't want that kind of relationship. I find myself wondering if I could even be happy dating a cishet man, because he wouldn't understand what I even want from a relationship. and he might be too scared to learn.

so a bisexual lesbian? a queer woman who wants to be around other queer women? it makes perfect sense. the details aren't that important.

this has all just been my personal thoughts and exploration and opinions. other people might have very different ones from me. maybe you resonated with me here, maybe you didn't. that's ok. I don't expect every single person who reads this post to agree with and completely understand my personal worldview and experiences lol, I just wanted to throw my thoughts out there!