#queer mirroring anxiety

[gatheringbones]

["Sociopolitical sources of conflict

The cost of the lesbian choice is high and provides fertile ground for anger and conflict. Invisibility, pretense, and concealment produce stresses and feelings of vulnerability beyond those of people whose relationships and sexual desires are considered normal. Most lesbians live with fear that exposure will lead to loss of jobs and income. Many fear loss of their children through custody awarded to fathers, or through emotional estrangement as the children react to their mother's difference. Few lesbians have the authentic acceptance and affirmation of their family of origin. Some lead half-lives of lies and omissions, hoping that this will maintain some sense of family and home. Still others endure tense and emotionally distance family situations.

These losses of acceptability, security, and connection combined with isolation from both family and the larger culture create an intense need to experience oneself as part of a larger group, to have some sense of belonging through relationships, alternative families, friendship networks, and social and political organizations. Thus, community-as-connection provides definition, acceptance, and inclusion; it offers sources for social life, political activity, friendships, lovers, places to go, and other types of assistance. It is these needs that make community profoundly powerful.

Lesbian communities are typically defined by geography and composed of groups or networks who are connected through social and political activity. In small towns or universities, there may be a sense of one larger community; in larger cities, there may be many communities. The center of community can be one or more bars or coffee houses, a women's center, a social organization, self-help or discussion groups, or an occasional dance or musical event Thus, community is not a fixed entity, but rather a sense of connection or "groupness," defined and maintained by extended affiliations and frequent or even periodic contact. Community can also be more myth than reality when there is limited contact because of severe estrangement between community members.

In fact, the myth of community itself can be a source of conflict. When needs are intense and expectations of community are high, idealized notions may go beyond what any group of individuals can realistically provide— especially a group that is beleaguered and lacking in resources. Dependency upon community is also heightened by isolation from and discomfort in the larger homophobic culture. The world of the lesbian community is a small one, and social compression creates a claustrophobic sense of limitation and confinement. No matter how much support and sustenance the community does offer, it cannot replace what has been lost. Thus, members often experience feelings of bitterness and disenchantment over what the community has not and cannot provide, including the experience of "normalcy," which exists for those who conform to the values of the dominant culture. Communities also bear the weight of traumas, hurts, and jealousies as break-ups and exchanges of lovers creates ex-lovers, single lesbians, and new partnerships. Friendships between lesbians are often intense and erotically charged so that minor disagreements can be experienced as if one's friend were a rejecting lover. Tensions also exist between single and coupled lesbians and between one's friends and one's lover, because a relationship often reduces social availability. The wonder of lesbian community is not that problematic conflicts exist, but rather that communities remain cohesive, friendships weather hard times, and ex-lovers become friends. Social events too often are joyous occasions characterized by excitement, affection, gaiety, elation, and a wonderful sense of belonging and oneness.

However, stresses remain and an addition burden on lesbian communities is the self-hating of internalized homophobia. If a woman has ambivalent feelings about herself as a lesbian, she may also have ambivalent feelings about the worth of other lesbians. Frustration, rage, and bitterness toward one's condition may be turned outward toward the community of similar, inferiorized, and powerless others. Certainly, hating other lesbians is safer than turning one's rage toward the dominant group, which is less accessible and a great deal more threatening. Such feelings can also provide a sense of the little power any oppressed individual has in oppressing someone as powerless as herself. Thus, within-group conflict contains and deflects the impulse toward aggressive action inherent in frustration and rage, a convenient dynamic for any dominant group.

Another factor that can create conflict is the intense demand for sameness, for a common and collective identity that is typical of many communities. This demand for sameness can clash with the drive toward individual identity— that is, the wish to be one's own person and make independent choices. Susan Kreiger describes this demand for sameness as "mirroring," that is, the expectation that others will be a mirror image of oneself. This demand for sameness in lesbian community makes difference uncomfortable and suspect, as if dissimilarity could erode cohesiveness. The contradiction is that lesbians happen to be a remarkably diverse group. What lesbians share, aside from gender, is a decision to act on a preference, the preference to relate both emotionally and sexually to women. All the rest can be differences— race, ethnicity, class, politics, education, work, living styles, bisexual inclination, role identity, differences in sexual/political coming out, sexual behavior, early or late awareness of attraction to women. What is special to lesbians (and gay men) as an oppressed group is that there is an attempt to create bonding and community without a shared historical or cultural experience (unlike other oppressed groups, Blacks or Jews, for example), and in spite of enormous diversity. That both community and lesbian culture have been achieved, including a sense of lesbian history, tradition, and humor, is no small accomplishment.

The women's movement added substantially to community cohesiveness in terms of political beliefs and activities. It also drew lines between politicized and nonpoliticized lesbians and created new arenas for dispute in its initial denial of difference and its insistence on political sameness."]

sarah f. pearlman, from the saga of continuing clash in lesbian community, or will an army of ex lovers fail? from lesbian psychologies: explorations and challenges, edited by the boston lesbian psychologies collective, 1987

[thegirlmirage]

My kind friends... my kissing encounter with another trans woman... my general content feeling and happiness from HRT... things are good. They were so bad for so long but they are good right now.

[xiaq]

I remember the first pride I ever attended: seventeen, half terrified, half bolstered by reckless bravery. In the parking lot, I painted my eyes in pink-purple-blue using the review mirror. On the walk to the parade route, I purchased a flag with cash and tied it around my neck like a cape.

I remember crawling up onto a metal electrical box on a street corner--violently hot against my bare skin in the Texas sun. I remember the heat didn't matter once the parade started, once I caught a handful of thrown beads, a crown, a fan. Someone passed me a bottle of bubbles and I blew them out over the crowd as not one, not two, but three church floats bedecked in crosses and rainbows marched past. I remember feeling like I could breathe for the first time maybe ever. But I also remember walking back to my car at the end. Giving away my crown, my fan, and my flag to two kids in a wagon, trying not to let my pathetic envy show as I met the eyes of their smiling parents. I cleaned the paint off my face in the same parking lot I applied it.

I kept the necklace--cheap and plastic and dangerous. I kept it for the first fifteen minutes of my drive until my anxiety demanded I pull into a gas station and throw it away.

I went to work: a four hour shift I'd said was eight. It was one of the few times I ever lied to my parents unless you counted the pervasive, quiet, lie of omission that lasted another decade.

Today, I got ready for another pride with my husband. I wore my denim vest with its collection of queer enamel pins. We walked together from our house to the parade route. At the end, we walked back together in a crowd of other pride-goers.

I texted my parents pictures without fear.

And this time, I took my beads home.

[kevin-the-bruyne]

why I thought the kristsingto dance was offensive

My reaction to the KristSingto dance was, in fact, pure and utter shock with an immediate follow up of "well good for Thailand for being so progressive" and that was what I thought would be the end of my engagement with that performance and yet when I read this post by scarefox with commentary added by thebroccolination and hallowpen (mentioned to give credit untagged because I have social anxiety and forcing people to read my post is my worst nightmare) my mind was filled with thoughts that took me the greater part of the day to sort through and I still don't know if the following will be adequate. Because OH HO HO as it turns out Thailand isn't that progressive which means that this performance was constructed to be like this ON PURPOSE. This post is in conversation with some of the concepts brought up in the linked post so it will be helpful in understanding the direction I've chosen to go with this. But the linked post is a great post and you should read it regardless. There is much to love about the Kristsingto concert and even more to love about their sexy dance - the primary of which is how it makes every single one of my Asian sensibilities ring MAD alarm bells. I'm a diaspora south asian but I moved to the US alone when I was 18 which means I have an intact sense of Asian respectability, regularly replenished by my parents. I MEAN LOOK AT IT - THEY ARE ON A FREAKING BED!!!! SIR THAT IS A BEDROOM ACTIVITY ONLY

But some serious highlights as to what about this performance sets it apart: 1) The performance is focused on sensuality and desire. They're dressed like dancers and not particularly sexy ones. Everything about this performance is pared down to only focus on their movements. The costumes are simple, the bed is simple, the lighting mostly monochrome. There is nothing to see here BUT their desire for each other and the sex they are simulating

2) They are playing to each other and ONLY to each other and not the audience. This is probably THE REASON why it clocks differently from literally every other raunchy performance. They are dancing for EACH OTHER. The performance starts behind a screen, and the sex simulation is the most intense at this stage but then THE SCREEN FALLS but for the purposes of the performance, KristSingto don't even acknowledge it. The audience is THRUST into the position of a voyeur and remains so throughout the performance. Like there is a BED that looks like it came straight out of Krist's bedroom like give me a fucking BREAK sir those are inside house, behind closed doors activities you are engaging with on stage.

Even the parts where Krist or Singto face the audience it is a) never together at once and b) they are mirroring each other's movements highlighting their connection to each other over their individual connection with the audience. There is no hip thrusting, no flirtatious looks, absolutely nothing that would even remotely suggest that they're trying to titillate the audience. All the titillation is directed towards each other. This feeling of looking into a private moment is deeply, deeply uncomfortable.

3) It's KristSingto. So much to be said about this and I have a strong feeling that I am not the person who should be speaking about this. But it's Krist and Singto, highly respected veterans of the industry who don't 'need' to be engaging in these types of 'extreme behaviors' to get ahead. So why would Kristsingto need to 'resort' to these behaviors?

Well, because the purpose of art, and I would argue quite specifically queer art, is to push the boundaries of how society allows the 'self' to behave and express itself. There is a reason why BL has captured the fascination of so many straight women. I would argue this is true everywhere but specifically for Asians, the shackles placed on queer sexuality did not feel so different from the shackles placed on women's sexuality period. Queer sexual liberal *is* sexual liberation and there are a lot of outgroup parties who have a vested, personal interest in pushing this agenda forward. I have to stop before this gets so long that I have to find a university to grant me a masters but 'Fanservice Is Wrong' and 'Fanservice Has Finally Gone Too Far' is just the fan service discourse. But the truth is that Fanservice *IS* radical queer visibility and always has been. I started my fandom journey in JPOP nearly 15 years ago and that was the conversation then [link takes you to a fanservice kiss between Ninomiya Kazunari and Ohno Satoshi from Arashi in 2008 that was 6 years in the making but I digress] and apparently if KristSingto will get to have their way that will be the conversation now. To deny their dance as offensive is to deny the incredible ways in which it's in conversation with the society they're operating in, the risks they are still taking even amidst widespread celebration for the Marriage Equality Bill in Thailand.

KristSingto had totally blown the doors, windows and glass ceilings wide open with SOTUS that I would argue had rippling effects on the BL being produced throughout Asia, not just Thailand. And the pressure of that was SO high, that attention so unexpected and burdensome that neither could actually stay and enjoy that moment. OffGun and TayNew had reaped more fruits from KristSingto's labor than Krist and Singto. KristSingto isn't just another branded pair - they are quite literally BL royalty and they are not here to play games. Except this time they are pushing the envelope with their eyes wide open and I am buzzing to see what's next for them.

[justinssportscorner]

Alex Abad-Santos at Vox:

Despite being a time when people from all over the world come together in equality and peace, the Olympics are still uncertain territory for transgender athletes. There are no transgender athletes who are competing outside of the gender they were assigned at birth at this year’s Games. Transgender women who transitioned after puberty aren’t allowed to compete in major sports on a college level. Athletes Nikki Hiltz, a runner, and Hergie Bacyadan, a boxer, both identify as transgender (Hiltz also identifies as nonbinary), but both have always and continue to compete in the women’s division, which is the sex they were assigned at birth. Athletes who do not identify as trans, like Algerian boxer Imane Khelif, have also been scrutinized for their gender. Along with China’s Lin Yu-ting, Khelif is one of two women boxers who failed a “sex test” from the International Boxing Association last year. They have since been connected to discussions of sports and Differences of Sexual Development (DSD), a rare group of genetic and hormonal disorders allowed under International Olympic Committee guidelines. After Khelif’s Italian competitor Angela Carini conceded their match less than a minute into their bout, many have weighed in, including Elon Musk and J.K. Rowling.

Outside of the Games, trans people face so much backlash, often for simply existing. The conversation around sports is particularly fraught, from children’s athletics right up through the pros. Despite the International Olympic Committee vowing to be more inclusive, the future for trans athletes is unclear. It all raises the question: How did we get to this point, and did it always have to be this way? The answers found in historian and journalist Michael Waters’s The Other Olympians: Fascism, Queerness, and the Making of Modern Sports might be surprising. Waters’s book traces the emergence of Zdeněk Koubek, a track and field star representing the country formerly known as Czechoslovakia who, at 21, won two medals — a gold in the 800m and a bronze in the long jump — at the 1934 Women’s World Games. (The Women’s World Games was the precursor to women competing at the Olympics). In 1935, Koubek announced that he would be living life as a man and swiftly became an international celebrity.

Perhaps the most intriguing facet to Koubek’s story was in the public response. Koubek was more welcomed and celebrated than we might imagine. There was an open-mindedness and empathy to the reception of Koubek and his gender identity and expression in the 1930s. Waters also pinpoints where and when that changed, specifically at the 1936 Olympics in Nazi Germany. Armed with a propensity for eugenics, gender anxiety, and a startling lack of scientific evidence, a small set of Nazi officials influenced the International Olympic Committee into gender surveillance and trans panic — stuff that eerily mirrors the transphobic attacks that athletes, cis and trans alike, face today.

Anti-trans discrimination in the Olympics stretches as far back as the infamous 1936 games in Berlin.

[wretchedamaranth]

Today in Non & White/Phee & Tee parallels:

This disgust, which reverberates from White's hallucination into Tee's own hallucination, reminds me of Non reading slut-shaming Twitter posts:

Which highlights the stigmatisation of overt queer sexuality, and the idealisation of purity as opposed to "unethical" or non-monogamous sex, specifically between young, gay men. The connotation of "filthy" is obviously sexual here -- White is filthy, even diseased (the lesions...) because of the assumptions Tee makes about his fidelity. I don't think White cheated, but to me, that's not even the point. What is important here is White's anxiety about Tee's paranoia.

Tee's accusation in White's hallucination represents on a personal level what the twitter posts that Non reads represent on a systemic level -- the disgust, and the underlying fear, of deviant sexual desire. In DFF, there are several kinds of deviant sexuality: queer, non-monogamous, crossing the boundaries of hierarchy -- the latter with Keng and Non.

All three are conflated within this anxiety, there isn't a separation between Non's queerness, for example, and Keng's coercion of Non, even though there should be, because all kinds of non-normative sexuality and sex are seen as a threat against the status quo, against the importance of social reputation that mandates a certain level of "cleanliness". It's why those twitter posts at once condemn Keng for having sex with a student under 18 and, at the same time, shame Non for his perceived lack of chastity, and don't seem to see the contradiction.

It's not incidental that Non breaks so thoroughly after this video is posted, after his reputation and that of his family is irretrievably damaged, after he loses his boyfriend who is morally disgusted with him. Non, and White who is his mirror, absorb the anxiety about sexually active gay men, young gay men in particular who are perceived as especially filthy for their defying the purity associated with their youth. Phee and Tee who condemn them are also affected -- Tee's disgust is especially relevant because he fears being touched by White, by catching his disease.

The fear of being a social outcast is another reason, on top of personal betrayal, why Phee and Tee so viscerally reject Non and White, why they push them away and literally tell them to "get lost". Of course, Tee acts this way in White's hallucination because White is the one who has this once latent and now overt disgust at his own perceived deviance, which is only compounded by Tee's actual jealousy.

I don't have anything coherent to say, really, but it's worth looking into the fraught relationships among what is perceived as deviant sex/sexuality, stigmatisation of said deviance, outcasting from within and outside those spaces, and reputation/social standing/face.

[i-live-in-spite]

Summary: You get a case in your hometown, you haven’t been back for almost 10 years after you left when you were 18 to join the FBI academy. Your brother was not very happy to see your transition.

Pairing: Around season 5 Spencer Reid x Trans Male reader(He/They)

Genre: Angst w/ Comfort

Tw/Cw: Family argument/dysfunctional families, transphobia/homophobia, kinda “gory” with some details, talk of s3lf h@rm, platonic pairing but they are pinning for the other, normal violence of Criminal Minds, the Unsub targets queer people, religious talk/trauma, talk of ending one's life, use of the t slur(If I missed something please tell me)

Word Count: 2.7k

I knew that if I had just asked Hotch or Rossi to stay back or for time away from the case, they would have told me yes. After all, I’m  pretty much just a stand-in for Garcia on the ground. Just there in case she got overworked or she was busy on one search I could quickly pick up the task. But the BAU taking me on the field was still pretty rare, I know why I’m here even if all I can think about is leaving again.

I didn’t know even after 10 years of healing, the wounds could still be so fresh. The feeling of blood rushed down my arms as we passed by the stores from my childhood. Some buildings I couldn't recognize but hardly anything changed from the old small town I grew up in. 

I’m snapped from my thoughts when I feel Spencer’s hands on my shoulder, “I’m sorry could you repeat the question sir?” I snapped my eyes up to Rossi who was in the passenger seat as Derek drove.

“I was just asking if you knew of any hidden in the wall clubs who may..enjoy the same sex may go?” Rossi sounded as if he was afraid to say the wrong thing, which I could understand. I have always been open about my gender identity and how I have had male lovers, I really didn’t see why it had to be hidden. At least not to them, no the team was like family. Emily and Penelope aren’t as loud about it but they also didn’t hide it.

“Uh yea, if I remember correctly there is this, old salt cave that many would go to for..activities. Whether it’s still operational is another question, I would have to be able to get down there.” Rossi nods and I look away from Spencer’s gaze and the subtle look from Derek in the mirror.

When we got to the police station I hesitated opening the car door, a few quick memories flashing through my eyes. I take a deep breath before pushing the door open and going to the back to grab my computer bag, I feel Spencer’s hand on my shoulder, the other one gently rubbing the nape of my neck. I would typically find comfort in his light touches but my anxiety was running high, all I could do was curl up from his hands.

“I know something is wrong, is it because of the murders? Or the fact that this is a ‘special’ place to you?” I couldn’t stop a choked laugh from escaping and Spencer was quick to recover, “Maybe special didn’t quite express the right emotions. You are tied to this place, and you don’t like it. Why didn’t you ask to stay back?” His voice was soft, full of concern. 

“You don’t ask to stay back when we have cases in your hometown.” I look up, my voice having more of an edge than I would like. He sighs and grabs his bag before turning back to me, a serious expression taking over his normal goofy smile.

“Yes but I had an ok childhood. It’s one thing to be an outcast because I’m smart, you were an outcast because-” Hotch calls us over cutting Spencer off, “I’m just saying, we have different memories of childhood, you had more hate than you let on.” I never heard Spencer being tied to emotions in this way. He knew my past and I knew his, we held each other's scars close, refusing to let the past repeat. 

Spencer walks over to Hotch but I highly doubt that this conversation was over. I follow closely behind, keeping my head down. The station had the same bleach smell, my nose burned from the smell. Then the world seemed to crash when I heard his voice.

“Welcome in agents, we have a small meeting room y’all can use in the back.” The sound of my brother's voice made all my muscles freeze. Hotch shakes his hand, thanking him for the space and they start to talk a little more about the case. I go to the back and set up in a corner away from the door, this is gonna be the longest case in my life. 

As I continue my setup, I hear his whistle. “That’s some mighty fine computers you got there, but I was told y’all had a tech analyst back at Quantico.” I refused to look up from my keyboard as I continued to fidget with my settings to appear busy. 

It was Derek who finally spoke up, “Well we do, but the lovely little lady doesn’t always enjoy coming on the field and sometimes her work load is a little too much. So we bring him in and he helps on the ground.” My brother lets out a choked noise and even though he tried to whisper it was clear as day.

“That’s a boy? I mean i’ve seen my fair share of boys with long hair but that’s..damn near to the floor.” Derek sighs and expresses again I was in fact a boy, keeping out the fact I was trans. Which fills me with gratitude. “Damn well.. Okay. Nice to be working with you las.” 

His hand appeared in my face and I was slow to grab it. I felt his gaze on my freshly painted nails, it was just a simple black and white look. But I could feel the judgement of his gaze.

“Did you know that a handshake spreads more germs, it would be safer to kiss.” Spencer’s distraction makes me laugh, of course he had no idea that we were actually siblings or the fact my brother would rather live in hell than kiss another boy.

“And who are you?” I was thankful for the attention to be off of me, though I’m very much aware of the attitude that hides behind my brother's voice.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Spencer Reid.” Spencer waved a little uncomfortable. My brother looks him up and down before nodding.

“Well. Thank you for coming to look at the problem.” Spencer and Derek nod as my brother leaves and I finally let out the air in my lungs. Derek turns to me and sees the look of discomfort not fully leave my face.

“I typically try to keep the past the past, but the history between you and the sheriff?” I shift a little before looking down at the computer.

“Can't you see the family resemblance?” The boys are physically taken aback by this information. I smile awkwardly and get back to the set up of my computer. Neither of my fellow males spoke up after the statement, for once I’ve made the great Spencer Reid silent.

—-

“I need you to go to the cave, you are trusted there correct?” Hotch looks down at me as I gently play with my hands, a nervous habit I picked up from Spencer.

“I’m sure the older ones may remember me, I won't know for sure till I get down there though.” Hotch nods and scratches under his chin some.

“Would you be comfortable going alone or would you like someone to go with you?” I think for a minute, I would refuse to ask anyone from the local p.d. to join, but Emily or Spencer could be candidates. But Spencer is still getting over getting shot that him joining me is a hard no from me, even though he claims he was good to go. 

“Emily would be a good fit to join me.” Hotch nods and leaves to tell Emily about joining me. I didn’t hear the door open till my brother spoke.

“You look different now, since when did you turn into a boy?” My brother's voice was a little callous, the same tone he used when I told my family I planned on leaving.

“I have always been a boy, you and the others just refused to see it.” He scoffs and looks around to no one particularly, I still refused to turn to him.

“Oh I’m sorry miss ‘used to love dresses’, it’s kinda hard to think you were a ‘boy’ when you always dressed all pretty like.” 

“Because how I dress doesn’t define who I am,” I couldn’t stop my southern twang from coming through, something I fought to hide for a while. “, I’m very much aware that when I dress feminine people may see me as a girl. But also growin up here, if I dress like how I wanted to I would be shot on site. I’m not an idiot.”

My brother crosses his arms and I feel him staring me down. “So what, you put on a pair of pants and suddenly you were a boy? Is that really how easy it is? To erase the life mom gave you? To destroy the bridge you and dad had?”

“I would have died Evan!” I turn to him, rage clear on my face, “I would have killed myself. My only hope was my friends. Friends you belittled. Do you have any idea what that does to someone?” My brother laughs and his face hardens.

“And you do? Do they become the killers you chase down?”

“No Evan. They kill themselves, they do drugs, they hide every part of them because they can’t live any other way. I didn’t kill the little girl I was, I saved the little boy you tried to snuff out like a fire. I protected myself because the same people who were supposed to do it were the ones cutting me deeper than any of my blades do.” I took a step to him, the fire was clear behind his eyes. “Aren’t you proud? I changed my name. You can tell everyone I died in action. You have no connection to the man I am today. I may have to use extra means to make myself who I am but I am more of a man than you'll ever be.” 

Before he could say anything Emily walks in and tells me she’s ready. I grab my coat and walk out without another word being said.

—-

The next couple of days went on with my brother ignoring me, if he had anything to say he went to Hotch or Derek. Not that I really cared, but I knew the team could tell the tension between my brother and I was getting very heavy.

Spencer walks up to me with an iced coffee, he looked a little unsure of himself. “I remember one time you told me you preferred iced coffee, I went down to the local cafe and got you one.” I thank him softly and take a sip. “Are you okay with working on the case? I mean with your brother and openly gay people being targeted..”

“I’m okay Dr. Reid, I’m a tough cookie you know this.” He nods, tapping his hand on his arm.

“I’m aware of that but after the case I got shot, you were worried about me, I could hardly go pee without you commenting about how I needed my crutches.” His smile was genuine, I knew he truly loved that I cared enough to keep him up with doctor orders.

“It’s not my fault a certain FBI genius liked to test his limits, someone had to care for him.” I smile and he shuffles steps a little closer.

“And this genius wants to make sure you're not chewing off more than you can handle. You’re just as important to this team as Garcia or Morgan or me.” There was a hidden message behind his words, that I was important to him.

“The best thing I can do is work and stay away from my brother where I can. I’ll be okay pretty boy, I’ll be good. You won't even have to handcuff me.” Spencer’s face bloomed into a nice rose pink colour, he was always so easy to fluster. It was another thing that made him one of the cutest people I have ever met. Can stare at dismembered bodies, but can’t handle a compliment fully.

“I’m here for you, we all are. Don’t go somewhere you don’t think iIcan join. I’ll find you, and I'll bring you back.” His hands slowly grab my face, his eyes searching mine. But before we could do anything the door swung open.

“Garcia thinks we found our unsub.” Spencer nods and grabs his vest before turning back to me as Derek leaves.

“I mean it, I’ll follow you into any river, any ocean, any fires you think you have to handle alone.” And like that he was gone. I stayed by the phone waiting for any information that this person actually was our unsub. 

It wasn’t long before Emily was pushing the guy through the station spouting bullshit, saying the kids deserved it. I look at him, he looks back at me. 

“You some little tranny aren’t you. You cried over their deaths? They were gonna do it anyway, why not speed up the progress?” I just stare at him. I knew him, but I knew everyone here.

“Sir, all you’re doing is incriminating yourself. The gender of my agents are none of your concern. He doesn’t have to kill to make himself feel good.” Hotch pushes him forward, him having my back makes me tear up. “He’s not weak. He doesn’t push others around to make himself known. He is a man.” Hotch was pushing the UNSUB every time he would call me a he. 

Spencer shows up beside me, “We found a hair in his truck bed. It’s being analysed right now.” I nodded, his hand finding its way to the nape of my neck. “Hotch is correct, you aren’t..what he said. You’re strong and you’re the male you always knew you would be. You’re so strong being able to fight your way out of a town like this, with a family who did everything it could to keep you down.” All I could do was nod, I didn’t trust my voice.

By the night Hotch had everything he needed to prove this man did it, I started to pack up my stuff. “I will never understand you. Why did you tear it all down?”

I turn to Evan, annoyance clear on my face. “I tore down broken walls, I tore away the paint that hid the beautiful tile underneath. I am who I was always meant to be.” My brother started to talk but I cut him off, “I will never be your sister again, either accept it or stay out of my life.”

“You weren’t meant to be a boy though. You were born a girl, why can’t you understand?”

I take a step closer to him, “Your mind is one of the smartest things in the world, it’s not always connected to your body. Nerves can be damaged, emotions can be out of place. We live in a world where your next door neighbour murdered innocent kids because their brain didn’t match the way their body was. I bet deep down you wished we never caught him.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“It started being your fault after I left how you continued to fill your brain with the idea that who I am was a choice, that the fact I like guys as a guy was something I just woke up and picked. When in reality it was you who drove me away.”

“You’re unnatural.” His fist was balled up and I knew we would never see eye to eye, not in this lifetime.

“Goodbye. Enjoy the wife, but I hope your kids never have to live in the fear I did.” I grab my bags and walk out the station. I fit my bags snuggle in their place as Emily turns to me.

“You know, the family isn’t just blood. The saying ‘blood runs thicker than water’ isn’t always true.” She offers me a small I’m sorry type of smile.

“Actually one of the earliest sayings of the quote was ‘The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.’, meaning your brother doesn’t have to be the brother you accept. We will always love you.” Spencer has a goofy smile, his knowledge of everything makes me feel better.

“And I will always love you.” Spencer can’t hold my eyes sensing the deeper meaning behind my words. Derek ruffled my hair and we started the long hours home.

[vampiricnature]

Hardcore projection rn but

Max having a panic attack after realizing he might be queer. Like, something happens and he gets that pang of anxiety and terror in his gut because he's like oh my god I think I might like boys. Washing his face off, looking in the mirror, realizing that he could he one of the things his dad would never support. His dad is his only immediate family from what we know in canon. His dad calls him a cuck. He's canonically/insinuated to be verbally abusive to Max.

If Max realized he was queer in any way, he would probably have a mental breakdown because his persona of being a womanizer breaking would shatter his entire reality as he knows it. At least, one of the parts of reality that he knows he has power over.

"my dad's gonna fucking kill me."

[commiepinkofag]

Discrimination against trans Olympians has roots in Nazi Germany

The forgotten Olympic history of trans athletes

… The answers found in historian and journalist Michael Waters’s The Other Olympians: Fascism, Queerness, and the Making of Modern Sports might be surprising. Waters’s book traces the emergence of Zdeněk Koubek, a track and field star representing the country formerly known as Czechoslovakia who, at 21, won two medals — a gold in the 800m and a bronze in the long jump — at the 1934 Women’s World Games. [The Women’s World Games was the precursor to women competing at the Olympics]. In 1935, Koubek announced that he would be living life as a man and swiftly became an international celebrity. Perhaps the most intriguing facet to Koubek’s story was in the public response. Koubek was more welcomed and celebrated than we might imagine. There was an open-mindedness and empathy to the reception of Koubek and his gender identity and expression in the 1930s. Waters also pinpoints where and when that changed, specifically at the 1936 Olympics in Nazi Germany. Armed with a propensity for eugenics, gender anxiety, and a startling lack of scientific evidence, a small set of Nazi officials influenced the International Olympic Committee into gender surveillance and trans panic — stuff that eerily mirrors the transphobic attacks that athletes, cis and trans alike, face today. In reading Waters’s account of Koubek and other trans and intersex athletes’ lives, it all feels like those Olympics were a breaking point. The Nazi era has substantially shaped the conversation surrounding trans athletes today. …

[physalian]

So I finished Captive Prince...

*spoiler alert*

I finally know what it feels like to love a character but not the world around him. Joy.

A warning to ardent fans of this book: I am not the target audience. I'm not giving this series a pass because it's gay. It has the exact same red flags as a straight romance.

If I never read or watch another story vilifying bastards, like actual children born out of wedlock, it will be too soon.

I know Captive Prince isn't new, I know Game of Thrones isn't either, but I am so, so sick of this being the "tragic" backstory of both heroes and villains. So much so that I retconned one of my characters, specifically to make him a bastard, specifically to have every other character around him go "why the fuck does it matter, we hate you because you're an asshole, not because of your parents".

I understand that there is real anxiety and frustration that comes from growing up knowing your parent was unfaithful, that we live in a world that punishes mothers far greater than fathers for the same *crime*. That it's possible that you might not have cared what your parents did, but those around you will still judge you, and you will resent them and your parents for it.

But fuck

It's always fantasy, too.

It's one of those "this isn't earth, you don't have to keep earth's bigotry" things, like not having POCs, not having queers, or not having women warriors.

If you want to keep vilifying bastards or any of the above, go off, but you do have to stare in the mirror and justify your choices on the page with your worldbuilding. Why does the fantasy church hate bastards this time around, Author?

It's not hard, either. I have a realm in one of my fantasy worlds that is very homophobic. It's not the fantasy church's decree, it stemmed from a decline in birthrates that then spun out of control and led to "blame the gays for everything" generations down the line.

Captive Prince is a queer-normative world, made even more so because these fantasy cultures are so terrified and hateful of bastards that they exclusively make same-sex relationships, from sex-slaves to fellow soldiers all the way up to princes (but, you know, the fantasy church turns a blind eye to pedophilia and sex-slaves because it's hot).

But talk of fantasy religion and what it is about bastards that's so awful, why the fantasy church hates them so much, what the fantasy church has to say about marriage and the sanctity of marriage just did not ever happen in the books. I can only assume the author just let the reader draw from real-world perceptions of bastards to fill in the missing lore.

It's always blaming the children, too. The kid, whether he's Jon Snow or Kastor of Akielos, he suffers more than his unfaithful father for the crime of being born. Ned Stark did have consequences, but Jon Snow *was* those consequences.

I don't think GoT, at least the show, addressed it either, because both authors were probably writing with blinders on, not thinking they needed any justification in their fantasy religions to explain why bastards are so terrible.

I would like a reason, please.

It ended up mattering so little to the plot that I could ignore it most of the time, and I have several problems with the trilogy, but this was the first one and I waited 3 books for an explanation that never came.

Love Laurent. He's great. I want to pluck him from the world he's stuck in and write him a new one. Book 2 was great, too. I liked most of the characters and for a book from 10 years ago, the queernormative setting was appreciated.

I liked the story itself, too, this isn't a post meant to say "this book is awful no one should read it" I just don't like so much of the underlying themes. It's well-written most of the time and the scope of battle tactics and strategy was very well thought out. Clever characters actually feel clever and the plot twists are nice surprises.

Just. So many things in the way this series was written did not sit well with me.

A victim of childhood SA whose arc is sexing away his trauma without talking about it or addressing it at all, who just needed to find "the one" to be happy.

Said victim's love interest being too horny to ever say "hey, you're super tense and uncomfortable, maybe we should stop". He controls himself once when his man is too drunk to consent, but later literally says that he knows they shouldn't but he can't deny himself

The pedophilia, even though it was the villain doing it, was still lampshading

A liar revealed who was too horny to tell his lover who he was--his lover's brother's murderer--because he knew that if his lover knew, he'd never get the sex he wants

Gratuitous assault

Many, many, many age-gap relationships... in a book with a culture that draws heavily from ancient Greek influences, romanticizing those age gaps, slavery, and sexual slavery

Romanticized assault, or at least consequenceless assault. Character A has Character B publically SA'd, giving orders to a "pet" on what to do in great detail, in front of an audience, and never has to answer for it

I want to say that if Damen was a girl people would be lighting torches and waving pitchforks, but I already know "assault is kinky" is too prominent in straight romance.

The romance's saving grace for me is that at least the "liar revealed" wasn't played straight.

I do get the feeling, though, that if Laurent was the main POV character, people would not like Damen. They'd think he's creepy and horny and maybe a himbo, but possibly a predator. I don't know anything about the fandom's perception of the characters.

But.

I am not the target audience. And on the other hand, this series is exactly what it says on the tin.

I kept waiting and waiting and waiting though, for the reveal about Laurent and the Regent (which I knew from the second it was revealed that Nicaise belonged to him in book 1) to be done with tact and grace, for Laurent to have a moment to at least say "I need to do this to take back my autonomy from that man".

He could have even said it to himself in his POV, he didn't have to tell Damen, just the reader. Instead, he forces himself to seduce Damen and though the "big reveal" is lost under all the other revelations of the scene, it all built to just. Nothing. I thought he was ace up until their third time together, trapped in a sex-favorable world, and I was rooting so hard for him to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

So if you do like any of the above, you'd enjoy this book. I'll say again the story itself was great. What went unsaid, to me, was not.

[gatheringbones]

["Suddenly I can't lie beside you another moment. Tears from nowhere stream hot down my cheeks. In the bathroom I leave the light off, sit on the edge of the bathtub, double over in the moonlight. I rock against my confusion.

Anger. How dare you throw my universe into disarray! Just when I think I finally know myself! When I think I know you!

Fear. This is too much to ask of me. I can't bear this weight. It is impossible. I feel insane!

Betrayal. Who are you? Are you a butch only because there was no other choice? Am I really a lesbian? What does this mean? How can I be a femme if you are a man?

I want to scream at you. Hate you. Instead I stifle my crying in a towel until at last the tears come silent, flow gently. In the morning you find me curled on the couch in the living room. You hold me. Your eyes are so sad. You tell me how sorry you are.

For what? For being true to yourself? I don't want you to apologize for this. I don't know what I want!

I let you hold me, and it does feel better. But I berate myself for being so angry. For hurting you. I wish I could just get to the other side without going through the pain.

Every day I feel different. I drift in and out of anger and pride, excitement and fear. I grapple with monumental theories and insignificant— but suddenly important— consequences of your transition.

My greatest fear is of how this might affect my own sense of self. "Just don't ask me to be straight," I tell you. "It took me too much pain and time and struggle to come out queer, lesbian, and femme-proud. I can't go back." But you never step on or dictate my identity and for this I am grateful beyond words.

Instead you inspire me to look with courage at my self-definitions. I see how they are true to me. I also see how they sometimes limit me. Though they have often given me security and a means to self-awareness, I notice other parts of myself I have suppressed: the attraction I once felt for men, the desire I feel now for other femmes, the need to examine my own "othergenderedness."

Some days I feel very alone in the world, like the biggest "freak among the freaks," and I turn old internalized hatred upon myself. Other days I feel like part of an ancient, unspoken tradition, as one who is particularly "wired" to partner a transperson. I feel almost sacred.

Months pass quickly. Every time you bleed, you feel a little more insane, and I feel less able to be your safe harbor. We go to meetings, get to know other transmen and their lovers and wives. We search the Internet for surgeons. We figure out which credit cards can hold the weight of this surgery. Time eases pain, it is true. I love your breasts, but now I release this part of you so beautiful and mysterious to me. I am changing. Part of me beings to address this surgery with a note of erotic anticipation. I notice that much of my desire is linked to the disparity between your gender expression and your body. When you bind your breasts, pack a dick, when you wear a suit and tie, T-shirt and boxers, when you shift before my eyes from woman into man, I am aroused, excited beyond belief.

I relish the way you construct your gender despite the dictates this world links to your body, which further manifests your particular gender."]

Sonya Bolus, from Loving Outside Simple Lines, from Genderqueer: Voices From Beyond The Binary, edited by Joan Nestle, Clare Howell, and Riki Wilchins, Alyson Books, 2002

[mademoiselle-red]

A new article on the life of Mary Renault, with some details about her life that I haven’t seen before!

Some highlights:

“Mary borrowed money from her aunt to attend St. Hugh's College at Oxford, as her father did not believe women needed a university education. Studying history under the tutelage of J.R.R Tolkien, she became interested in the Medieval period. Tolkien encouraged her writing, and during his tutelage, she penned the manuscript of a Medieval fantasy novel. Living on her own for the first time, she could freely express her interests. She decorated her room with Medieval tapestries and took up knife-throwing as a hobby. Mary's mother was dismayed at her decision to pursue an education rather than marry young, and she frequently berated her for being unfeminine and unattractive.”

KNIFE THROWING 🔪🔪🔪😍😍😍

“In 1933, Mary became a nurse so that she could support herself without her parents. A year into her training at Radcliffe Infirmary, she met fellow nurse Julie Mullard. Seven years her junior, Julie had by that point lived a relatively sheltered life, but they found much in common. Julie came from a lower-class background, the illegitimate daughter of a strict and unloving mother. Both women had come to Radcliffe Infirmary to escape their lives. Despite mutual attraction, both were reluctant to make their feelings known. Neither had been in a relationship with a woman before, nor did they know any openly queer women. Julie later remarked that, in the absence of a framework to describe their sexuality, "we thought we had invented it."

They entered into an open relationship, with each of them also dating men before eventually committing to a more monogamous relationship with each other. It was during their early relationship that Mary began working on a manuscript titled "First Love", which developed into her debut novel, Purposes of Love.”

that book makes so much sense now! The protagonists trying to navigate a het relationship following scripts for queer relationships from Ancient Greece, and agonizing over gender roles 🤯🤯🤯

“She explored love between women most prominently in The Friendly Young Ladies (1944). The novel focused on Leo, an uninspired novelist struggling to choose between her relationship with a nurse and a heterosexual marriage. This bisexual love triangle is complicated by Leo’s fluid gender identity as a masculine-presenting person who views herself in both male and female terms. Taking inspiration from Mary’s own life experiences, it was the last of her novels to center love between women in its narrative.”

Someone is finally noticing how every Renault protagonist, regardless of gender, has a ~complicated~ relationship with masculinity 👀👀👀

“Centering her novels on queer men allowed her to elucidate the intimacy and anxieties that she as a woman in a queer relationship, but that choice was more than a simple mask for autobiographical confessions. Mary had always identified strongly with male subjects, from Alexander to the cowboys of her youth. In her male protagonists, she found a mirror for her complex relationship with gender and bisexuality. By and large, women play minimal roles in her historical novels, only assuming power in the narrative after taking on a male role and presenting an outwardly masculine appearance. Axiothea, a lesbian who appears in The Mask of Apollo, is one of the most notable examples of this. Like Leo, her masculinized gender allowed her to "be true to the mind before the body." Gender fluidity is portrayed, through the actor Nikeratos and the eunuch Bagoas, who identifies as a third-sex, neither male nor female. In that way, the fluid identities of characters like Bagoas or Nikeratos mirrored some aspects of her own life. The fluidity of sex and gender in her novels had little precedent in mid-century literature and was not appreciated until decades later.”

[maternal-extinct]

May I ask what a reparent is? I always find it fascinating to learn new terminology!!

sure sweetie!

reparenting is a new-agey psuedotherapy where one person takes on the role of a doting, effective parent in order to help the other person handle or recover from childhood trauma that was caused by defective or abusive parenting. it often relies on what's called "child ego regressing" (wink wink) to put the target headspace where they are vulnerable to new experiences. the idea behind it is to seek to overwrite older bad childhood with newer good memories.

so an example I use is a lot is this: one of my littles told me that they never got to watch saturday morning cartoons without their bio parents fighting because theyre forced into close proximity by the weekend. so then i would plan a lovely saturday morning with a tasty breakfast, possibly cooked with the intent of waking them up to it, and then id find a cool playlist of saturday morning cartoons on youtube from about their age range or like, from when they were small and then let them have a lovely morning under my supervision. you're basically setting up a age regression scene ^v^

it pretty closely mirrors many parts of cgl and abdl but is way more reliant on actual parenting and therapy experience. when actual therapists do it they gotta deal with the ethics of a professional having tremendous amounts of power over another person and the science out there for it is underdeveloped which is why most therapists who do it do it under the table. I know a few therapists who are both mommy dommes and reparents.

when I do reparenting, I make it explicitly queer and trans, and I'm not above making it kinky or unethical if it helps the other person or is fun and I enjoy the power play of it. generally reparenting has to end but since I mash it with queer found family and caregiver/little, I always suspect that I'm in for a long haul relationship. I also buck a lot of the claims that it can help reverse or cure a lot of illnesses, but I do think it helps a lot with childhood trauma, anxiety and ptsd.

I mostly focus on reparenting trans girls. there's a lot of shared expiriences that make offering them a window into a girlhood a lot easier for me. I'm basically min/maxed to care for trans and queer girls all in all. im also way better at it in person than online, but I'm working on getting more skilled at it!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

I (27F) am still living with my parents due to financial reasons and covid pushing my college education back. I've either worked or done full time college since I was 18 and i have helped my parents out. I'm fully moving out, hopefully, this fall, but things have been sticky since.

My mother is controlling and has very little respect for my boundaries. For 13 years, she has made comments about my phone having a password she doesn't know. She regularly remarks about all the "self restraint" it takes her to not go into my room when I'm not home and reorganize my dresser and bookshelf. I feel like I can never relax because of having to justify my free time to her. I am 27 and have had fights with her over my bedtime. In the past back when I voice chatted people, she would get angry when I tried to set aside any time at home to not be interrupted. She's yelled at me when I was on mic for stuff like not opening a window, which she then did and had no reason to yell at me for except to embarrass me.

I'm Queer and my family knows but pretends I'm not in daily life, and she makes incredibly judgemental homophobic, transphobic, and sometimes racist comments when watching TV or when there's something LGBT related in the news or going around her feed, yet she thinks she isn't a bigoted person/that she's been a great parent. When I had a trans male friend over 5 years ago she launched into a tirade about fake gender and me "pulling a prank" on her and a lot of things I won't repeat but it was bad enough I haven't had a single person come by since. Any friend time is outside of the house. I keep all my friends away from her.

Thing is, she also blames me for never going outside or having her own life. She wants to rely on me or other people for everything even though she can drive. She lost an eye to cancer, something I took care of her all the way though, but she has driven, has a fake eye so no one can tell she's missing an eye, and has a special mirror on the car so she can see in her blindspot. But she won't go out alone and even before he vision loss she always wanted someone with her out of anxiety.

So all this summer she wants me to be her valet, basically, saying she'll get into the habit of going places if I go with her, but saying any "attitude" from me in the past is the reason why she stopped caring about herself or going outside.

I want to have very basic boundaries respected and have my own free time, but she keeps making her living at all on me and expecting sunshine and rainbows while being controlling and only accepting very certain reactions. Any time I try to be assertive about things like my own bedtime, she asks me why I "turn everything into a power struggle" when she's the one who starts things.

I don't want to spend time with her, even though I know she has gone though things and has lost an eye. I feel miserable, isolated, and like I can't even have resting bitch face without being accused of something. I just want her to live her own life and not need me to escort her everywhere because of her paranoia, and I'm trying to spend time away and give pushback about boundaries. AITA for trying to swerve her?

What are these acronyms?

[clownrosary]

The truth behind his anxiety may lie in being fully known by his equal. Sometimes, when he looks over at Robin in the passenger seat of the Beemer, it’s as if he were looking in a mirror. They reflect one another, and wouldn't be complete without each other. 

It’s possible that she already knows. Maybe, even back when she’d been too scared to come out to anyone else in her life, she told Steve the truth not because of the drugs, or for fear of death- but because she knew, deep down, that they were the same.

Robin told him once that everything was made from stardust, and soulmates were once tied together in the night sky above them. Steve would never say it out loud, but he believes she’s right. He’d like to think that the star they came from was a queer little thing, burning bright and wearing high waisted jeans.

---

just posted a platonic stobin fic on ao3 :^) check it out!

[sixty-silver-wishes]

thoughts on pearl- it was a very clever movie! the technicolor and 30s-style score added a lot to the atmosphere, and I really like how the midwest setting was utilized still not over my disappointment with "children of the corn." the plot callbacks didn't go unnoticed; certain lines are repeated and scenes are paralleled, but each time this happens, it's used to escalate the plot. I thought the theme of decay was very effective; rather than disposing of her parents' bodies, pearl keeps them in the house, along with the rotting pig, so that the ending scene is very potent because we've seen the entire film building up to it. I was also paying close attention to the camerawork and the way it was used to show foreshadowing; for instance, after pearl is rejected from the audition, the first thing we see of mitsy is her blonde hair directly in the foreground. this is later part of the reason why pearl kills her, as she was jealous of mitsy being cast for her looks while she wasn't.

I thought it was fascinating how the filmmakers set a film from 2022 during the 1918 flu pandemic; a lot of media made then sought to create an escape from covid-19, but "pearl" leaned into the idea of a pandemic as part of the horror and anxiety. of course, I was also thinking about the thematic substance of the film; while americana played a big role in setting the atmosphere, I think it also had a direct hand in the horror elements as well. of course, pearl is obsessed with american cinema of the time, but a lot of the tension with her mother comes from their cultural backgrounds, with her mother being a german immigrant during WWI, while pearl is very much a product of both her rural american lifestyle and the "american dream" as it manifests in her aspirations for stardom. in trying to prove herself as a star, pearl may also be trying to prove herself as "american," which is directly shot down when the judges of the audition say they're looking for someone "all-american." it's also interesting to consider pearl's idealization of europe due to its film industry, while we see her mother scarred by the war in europe, her husband deployed there, and her lover showing her european pornography she expresses discomfort towards. contradictory ideas of being "european" vs. being "american" are literally and figuratively at war in the film, and I think this is a big part of what causes pearl to snap.

we also see the theme of sexuality manifesting in a very interesting way. pearl's sexuality is highly repressed due to her upbringing from her strict mother and having to care for her father, and so the projectionist represents the idea of forbidden sexuality to her; we can tie the idea of sexuality with the idea of liberation, which the films represent to pearl. her mother likens her dream of being a film star to being a prostitute. when she fantasizes sex with the scarecrow, imagining it to be the projectionist, she takes its hat, and also wears it when meeting the projectionist. the overalls she wears may also symbolize repression, and we often see her try to change them for one of her mother's dresses. after she kills her mother, she chooses the red dress, while she opted for a white one in the beginning- not only does this allude to the idea of sexual or moral "Impurity," but also suggests that killing her mother- the source of her repression- means she can now freely express her sexuality.

speaking of sexuality, I couldn't help but also think about "pearl" from a queer angle as well. I felt mitsy and pearl's relationship has some homoerotic undertones, and the film makes this obvious. for one, when pearl kills mitsy, it mirrors when she kills the projectionist, her sexual partner; she stands over her body, murders her with a farm tool, butchers her, and feeds her to theda the alligator. both murders also happen under similar circumstances; pearl is vulnerable with both of them, but they express fear and try to leave, prompting her to kill them. pearl also wears the red dress when she kills mitsy- again, a potential symbol of sexual liberation- and is implied to consume parts of mitsy's body due to the blood and viscera on the table setting (insert overdone cannibalism/eroticism metaphor here). most blatantly, however, mitsy acts as a stand-in for pearl's absent husband, howard. mitsy is howard's sister, and displays affection for pearl (in contrast to the projectionist's primarily sexual attraction towards her), and even pretends to be howard so that pearl can express her feelings to her. once again, in her monologue to mitsy as howard, pearl is able to let go of her repression, regarding both sexuality and morality. both pearl's long, pained smile towards howard at the end of the film and her monologue to mitsy put the audience in the perspective of both characters as well.

I think pearl is afraid of repression, and this is what motivates her, both to kill and to pursue her dream of being a star. if people are afraid of her or reject her, she perceives this as an attempt to repress her desires, particularly after she's been vulnerable. however, she also expresses that she regrets the murders after the fact, even if she enjoys partaking in them- sex, murder, and performing are simultaneously all ways of both rejecting repression and experiencing shame for pearl. that smile at the end may be an expression of that fear- pearl can no longer repress her emotions, so it comes across as twisted and frightening. she probably knows she will likely have to kill howard if he, like everyone else, gets in the way of her dream, and therefore attempts to repress her, but she also doesn't want to kill him. so, the end is her attempt to repress herself, but this is no longer something she can do, and is extremely painful to her.