#I am still anxious about a few things but the difference I feel remembering what it used to be like to have constant anxiety all the time

[thegirlmirage]

My kind friends... my kissing encounter with another trans woman... my general content feeling and happiness from HRT... things are good. They were so bad for so long but they are good right now.

[satxnsupreme666]

Stronger than you think: Agatha Harkness/Agnes x fem!reader

Masterlist

Requested by: @purple-people15

Summary: Everyone is now free from Wanda´s mind control as well as you and now that you´re not Agnes´ secret lover, Agatha asks you out on a real date because she´s smitten by you, but in the middle of the date your ex shows up to bother you and Agatha shows her protective side.

Word count: 4k

Warnings: Reader has ptsd from a previous toxic relationship, mention of a panic attack, slight angst, apart from that is pure romance and, in the end, there´s a lot of fluff.

Author´s notes: Hi again!  (also I wrote the panic attack part as how I’ve had them, I don’t want to offend anyone, and as this is a serious thing I hope everyone who suffers from ptsd is doing better I suffer from this, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist too and I completely understand, and if this is a topic that may trigger you, don’t read it please, your mental health is the most important thing first 🥺💕)

This was a requested story, I do not know if I should tag the people who requested at the time, I want to be respectful, so I am not sure if I should tag them, I will try and do it since it was their request and their idea and if any of the people who requested back at the time now feel uncomfortable being tagged, please let me know and I will delete the tag.

This was one of the first stories I wrote three years ago, I had posted them on Tumblr on my old account, but due to my mental health, I had to take a break from Tumblr and the toxicity and hate that had suddenly increased, I deleted all of my stories and my old account, now I have decided to upload them again here on Tumblr and also on Ao3.

I hope you like it!

If you enjoy, could you comment, like or reblog? it would help a lot really ♥️

Taglist: @midnight-lestrange @eliscannotdance

Eastview was now free; you weren’t under Wanda´s mind control anymore but it felt weird to be able to feel everything again. You were not sure how to feel.

Everything happened so fast, two days ago you were walking to Dottie´s house, they were having a meeting again and this time was about organizing a party for the children In the park, you were walking down the street with a bottle of wine in your hands that Dottie had asked you to bring, it was a sunny day but after some minutes you saw the sky changing to red and you felt drawn to the color, you couldn’t stop looking at the sky, you didn’t know why and after what felt like hours something strange happened.

You felt like your mind was released from a slight pressure and blinking a few times, all the memories of your real life came in a rush, you remember your life here in Eastview, and you couldn’t help but feel anxious, this was not right, everything real came crashing you down, there was no more sunny days and the same old awful feeling you used to have, came back to you, this was not right. 

After that you saw how everyone started to freak out, you felt stressed and anxious, it was horrible, you wanted to hide, you started to breath rapidly and you were afraid, this was wrong.

Deciding that it would be best if you went to your own house to hide under the covers you walked in a rush to it, you would be safe in your room.

The only thing that calmed you down was thinking of Agnes, maybe it hadn’t been real what you had, but it had been beautiful.

You had all your memories from the sitcom with you, they hadn’t gone away, they were still on your mind, but you were not sure why everybody here seemed to be so angry, for you it was different, while you were under Wanda´s mind control you had forgotten every bad memory from your real life that caused you pain, everything bad that had happened to you felt like a distant memory, you weren’t suffering, on the contrary the memories from the sitcom were really happy, getting to know Agnes, had been the best part of it, the role Wanda had given to you was of Agnes´ secret date, and it had been amazing.

You really liked her, the way everything had developed between you two made you feel happy, but at the same time you felt devastated, you would have preferred to still be under the magic, it was easy, you didn’t feel any pressure, you didn’t feel anxious, everything you felt was happiness, and now you were back to feeling stressed out and agitated, you were afraid of going outside, you were really afraid you could meet the person who made your life miserable, it took you years to left her, and the worst part was that she was here In town. But what made you shivered was the fact that you had talked to her while you were trapped under Wanda´s mind control, you encountered many times while you were walking or speaking with Agnes, but as you were not aware of what was going on, at the time it didn’t bother you, but now thinking about that made you shiver in fear, you were grateful you weren’t aware when that happened, that could have been awful for you and for your mental health, little by little you tried to be better without her, you tried to compose yourself from all the pain she had inflicted on you.

The time you spent with Agnes had been amazing, but now that you thought twice about it you couldn’t help but feel heartbroken, everything had been fake, nothing was real and Wanda had just made you fulfil a role, the role of the secret love affair of Agnes.

You were alone again, and your fears took over you, what if what your ex told you was real? What if you never find some for you? Would you be alone just as she had told you? All of these questions wouldn’t leave your mind and you just kept overthinking, you tried to think of something else, but each time your mind went to Agnes and how all of what you had was just a role you had to play, now you had to deal with the harsh reality, your former girlfriend was somewhere here in Eastview and you were afraid.

It was hard not to overthink everything, you had been doing alright before Wanda came to Westview, you had packed your things to leave the town but before you could leave something took over you, and after that there was no more sadness, It had been good the entire time you shared with Agnes, but now seeing the reality and how it had ended, you just felt worse than before.

A loud knock on your door distracted you from your thoughts, who could be? You wished it would be you ex, you were not going to be able to stand the sight of her on your door, different scenarios passed through your head, what if she came here to yell at you? Another loud knock on your door made you stand slowly from your bed; you weren’t sure if you should open the door or not.

Walking slowly out of your room you made your way towards the door and with your hands shaking you carefully took the doorknob.

“Who is it?” Your voice sounded weak and fearful

“Y/n?” You released the breath you didn’t know you were holding and took a deep breath, the voice calmed you down a little, you were so used to her cheerful tone but today Agnes sounded different.

You carefully opened the door and you saw her concerned face; you could tell she was worried.

“Hey doll, may I come in?” You smiled at the endearment, you loved the way she called you, her voice didn’t have the same cheerful tone but it was beautiful nonetheless, you found her voice so soothing.

“Yes, come in” You whispered and let her enter your house, you were going to close the door but she did it first and she smiled at you, you gave her a half smile and you walked towards the couch to take a sit.

“Listen doll, I´m here, because I need to talk with you, it´s about who I really am and also” She had taken a sit next to you and she took your hand, she had a soft but firm grip on your hand, you saw how she stopped talking and while she looked at the ceiling she took a deep breath.

“Also I want to talk with you about us” Your mood quickly got worse, you were sure she was going to end things, you knew what you had wasn’t real, but still it was really painful this, you didn’t want to have this talk, not yet, you were not sure if you were going to handle this.

You quickly dropped her hand and you stood up from the couch, you walked a little away from her and you rubbed your hands against your tights a little nervous, you didn’t want to hear what she could say.

You struggled to breathe a little, this was awful, were you having a panic attack?

“Doll, I will walk closer towards you, is that alright?” You heard her concerned voice and you slowly nodded

You felt her near you and she softly placed her hand on your shoulder, this made you feel a little better.

“Take deep breaths sweetheart” She said to you in a soft voice, you looked at her in the eyes and she started to take breaths, you followed her and little by little your breathing started to become normal.

“Concentrate on your breathing honey, deep breaths” Her voice soothed you.

“That´s It darling, you can get through this” Her sweet words made you feel better and you started to calm down, you could feel more her soft touch on you and with a deep final breath you gave her a small smile.

“What do you need me to do sweetheart?” Her voice was calming you realized you needed some water; you cleared your throat a little before speaking.

“Could you give me a glass of water, please?” You asked shyly and she gave you a smile, she squeezed your shoulder softly before going to the kitchen and when she came back with a glass of water, you took it to drink of it and she softly stroked your hair.

“Thank you, I´m feeling a little bit better” You felt a lot calmer now

“Alright, listen I´m sorry about that-”

“No, no it´s alright, you don´t need to be sorry sweetheart, It´s alright seriously” She grabbed your face with her hands and she caressed your cheek with her thumb, you stroked the back of your hand with your fingers and she smiled.

“Darling I just came here to ask you on a real date” When you heard what she had said you opened your mouth; she was asking you on a real date! You couldn’t believe it.

“So, you like me back?” You blurted out

“Of course doll, listen, I was aware all this time, I wasn’t under Wanda´s mind control, and I would like to get to know the real you and I would love that you get to know the real me, and about that, my real name is Agatha Harkness sweetheart” Suddenly all of your fears weren’t there anymore, you felt happy for this and you couldn’t help yourself from hugging her.

It was a hug like the many one she had given you so many times, but this time you were completely aware and you loved it, this time you would enjoy everything in a different and better way.

You stayed like that for some minutes, her hands around your waist and your arms around her shoulders with your head resting in the crook of her neck, until you removed yourself a little from her.

“You´re so beautiful y/n” You heart melted, she was just so sweet as always, she made you felt happy and also, she pushed your worries away, you were happy that she was taking this chance to get to know who you truly were.

“I can´t wait to tell you everything darling” You could tell Agatha was excited just as you were feeling right now, you wanted to know how she was able to be aware all the time, and how she had arrived here.

“Would you like to go now? I´m really excited for this Agatha” Agatha saw the big grin on your face and she smiled

“Of course, darling we can leave now if that´s what you want” You were happy, you really were

“Give me a minute so I can put on different shoes” With that you left the living room and went straight to change your shoes.

Agatha sat again in the couch and you didn’t see the big grin she had on her face.

“I´m ready” You said to her and when you returned to the living room, Agatha was watching the little potted succulent you had on the table in the middle of the room, you blushed a little because it had been the one, she had given you days ago

“I really like that one” You tried to hide your face a little

“I know darling, that´s why I gave it you” Now that you thought about it, even under Wanda’s mind control, the role you had played wasn’t so much different from the real you, you still liked the same things and the only thing that changed was your mood and your behavior, while you were trapped in the sitcom you acted a little less shy and you were happier, again you started to overthink everything, why if Agatha didn’t like the real you?

“Are you alright doll?” You blinked a little when you heard Agatha´s voice

“Yes, I´m sorry, I just got lost in my thought for a moment, but it´s alright, we should get going” This time you didn’t need to fake a smile, because the simply thought of going out with her made you feel alright.

“Alright darling, but if you need anything, you can tell me” You trusted in her, there was something that you knew you could trust in her, so maybe when the time came you would be able to tell her everything.

“I know” You said in a whisper and smiled to her; you really were sure you could tell her everything but that would be later

“So, do we leave now?” You nodded at her question and she stretched her hand out for you to take it, you gladly accepted her hand and Agatha intertwined your fingers with hers.

Both of you started to walk hand in hand and just as many other times Agatha had done it, she opened the door for you to get out first, she was so charming and you loved it.

“Where are we going?” You asked her while you were walking down the street

“Remember the coffee shop where we first met?” Of course you remembered it,  you had bumped into her by accident, spilling your coffee all over her blouse, she was grateful it had been a cold coffee, she had laughed so hard that day, you tried to clean the stain with some napkins but in the end you couldn’t do anything, she had told you that you didn’t have to worry and that it was alright, that she hated that sweater anyway.

“Oh yes, I still feel a little awkward about that” You blushed a little, she always loved how you blushed.

“Sweetheart you´re so sweet, and it´s alright, I have already forgotten about that incident, I liked that we kept coming here to meet, also the place is really nice, it is warm and cozy, don´t you think the same doll?” She was right, the place was really pretty and you enjoyed going there with her, also this felt better you were completely aware so that made everything better.

“You´re right the place is awesome” Agatha grinned at you and she squeezed your hand a little, you were going to have a great time in your real first date.

Now that you looked at your surroundings you noticed how things had changed, the sun wasn’t too bright and the town looked a little bit more vivid than before Wanda had arrived, the people here were still a little shaken from what had happened but they started to just brushed everything off, they thought of this like a second chance.

“We´re here doll” You raised your head to look at her and gave her a wide smile

“I´m really excited” Agatha held the door open for you and you entered the coffee shop followed by her

“I´m really excited too darling” The two of you walked towards the same table near the window and you loved it, it was amazing, now you were going to have a date, a real date with her.

Sitting in front of you, Agatha took your hand and she gave it a slight squeeze to it, a warm feeling started to grow inside you and you couldn’t be happier.

One of the waitresses came to ask for your orders and you ask for your favorite drink and your favorite snack, you were sure Agatha would order a Cappuccino, you still remember that, it was her favorite coffee.

The woman went to prepare your orders and you started to blush when you noticed Agatha had staring at you.

“So, doll, I think I owe you mane explanations and I would like to start to tell you the truth, all of it” You excitedly nodded.

“I´m a witch, and that´s why I came here in the first place” Your eyes grew wide, she was a witch? Like Wanda? You were surprised

“But I´m not going to hurt you” She rushed to say when she saw the expression on your face, she had thought about whether it was a good idea telling you her true identity or not, because she knew you could freak out, you saw the worry on her face and you grabbed her hand.

“It´s alright, I’m not scared of you, you do not have to worry” You saw the quick change of her mood, you saw how her shoulders became less tensed, she took a deep breath before speaking again

“I´ve been living for centuries” Really? You thought, well she didn’t look like she was some centuries old

“How do you look so young?” This made Agata laughed a little and her eyes lit up.

“Oh, darling stop” She said between giggles and this made you smile too

“I´m being serious” Agatha kept caressing the back of your hand with her thumb

“Sweetheart I have to go to the bathroom, but it will be quickly, alright? I´m coming back in some minutes doll” You nodded and Agatha took your hand to her face kissing the back of your hand in the process, her action made you bit your lip, you were not expecting that, you saw how she stood up from the chair and you just started to look through the window.

After some minutes someone sat in front of you and as you thought it was Agatha you lifted turned your head to look at her with a smile.

But your smiled was vanished at who you were looking at.

You couldn’t believe it, what was she doing here? Why was your ex sitting in front of you? This couldn’t be happening, not now, why now? You were completely fine minutes ago with Agatha and now you started to feel as if your world started to crumble, she was looking at you with a quirky expression on her face, you couldn’t keep looking at her eyes, so you quickly lowered your gaze to look at the table, you wished Agatha would come as fast as she could.

“What are you doing here with her?” She asked you with a harsh tone.

“Why do you care?” You whispered; you were not sure where your courage had gone.

“What did you say? I´ve always hated the way you speak, so low that nobody can hear you, you’re so weak, why do you think she´s here with you? That woman looks like she is so much more experienced than you, do you really think she will stand someone like you? You can´t even stand up for yours-“You had closed your eyes, just hearing her made you feel awful and tears started to roll down your eyes, why wouldn’t she left you be happy just for once? But when she stopped talking and you heard some gaging noises you quickly opened your eyes and you saw that your ex had some purple strings around her neck, and next to her was Agatha with a furious look on her eyes, her eyes were glowing purple just as well as her hands.

“You won´t ever come near y/n again, do you hear me?” Agatha was furious and you were shock, she was defending you, no one had ever done that for you.

“You have inflicted a lot of pain in her, she deserves better, she´s an amazing girl, and you didn’t know how to treat her better, you´re pathetic and I swear to you, if I ever see you coming to her or even just looking at her, I will make sure you won´t see the light of the sun again, got it?” Agatha had vanished the string around her neck and now she was just using her magic to grab your ex by her jacket.

You saw the fear on your ex´s eyes and she just nodded, Agatha used her magic to push her away from the chair and she fell flat on the floor, she quickly stood up from the floor and left the coffee shop in a rush, no daring to look back at you.

Agatha quickly sat next to you and she softly held your face in her hands, her touch was sweet and gentle and you loved it.

“Are you alright love?” Her tone was caring and you saw her concerned expression

“I´m fine, thank you so much for that, nobody had ever defended me like you did” Agatha wiped your tears away from your cheeks with her fingers and you leant into her touch

“Oh doll, I will make sure that nobody ever talks you in a bad way, I won´t let anyone seeing you in a wrong way, not even a single glance towards you, you´re so strong, and I won´t let anyone tell you otherwise, because you are so strong sweetheart, you´re stronger than anyone else thinks” Her words made you feel better, you felt that with her by your side you could do anything

You hugged her, and she hold you tightly, you trusted in her with your whole life and you were sure she wouldn’t hurt you; she was exactly what you had wished for so many times.

“She hurt me, she made feel awful, she said awful things to me, she said I was worthless” You whispered into her ear, and Agatha felt herself getting tense again, how could someone dare to hurt you? You were so sweet, you were an amazing girl and Agatha promised herself that she would do everything she could do to protect you, no matter what, she softly stroked your hair smelling your perfume, she loved everything about you, all the time you shared with her as her secret lover, she had got attached to you and she wouldn’t leave you, you were so precious and you deserved the best, she will make sure that you got to know that from now on.

“It´s alright love, she won´t come back for you ever again, no one will ever treat you bad, I swear to you, you deserve the best, let me love you like no one has ever done it” You separated yourself from her to look at her straight into her eyes, she made you feel so loved, you really liked her and even though you were Agnes´ lover, it was obvious that she hadn’t acted at all, she treated you with the same loving and gentle way she did, of course you had fallen in love with her.

You couldn’t help yourself, you didn’t want to wait anymore, she was so beautiful and you felt as if her lips were calling you to kiss them, so you did what you felt right.

Kissing her now being fully aware was the best sensation you have ever felt, this was amazing, her lips were so soft, she kissed you in a gentle way that you felt in heaven, her hand stroked your cheek.

The sound of someone clearing their throat made you come back to reality again and you started to furiously blush, you broke the kiss to separate yourself a little from Agatha and instantly your hand came to your face to touch your lips; Agatha found this adorable.

“Hope you enjoy your drinks” Said the waitress with a smile and then she went back from where she had come.

“So, what if we finish this and then we can keep talking about us?” You asked Agatha with a shy smile at which Agatha responded giving you a soft peck on your lips while she softly lifted your chin.

“Alright doll, we have plenty of time for us” And she was right, you knew she was not going anywhere, you were so lucky to have found her, or had she found you? Either way, you were happy to be here with her, you were going to start something good with her and you knew your heart was safe here with her.

[wh0reforcoriolanussnow]

I Know it Won’t Work || Tom Blyth x singer!reader

Summary: You and Tom break up after three years of dating and you perform a song about the truth of the breakup for the first time live.

Warnings: slight age gap, reader is 23 and Tom is 30

Wc: 658

A/n: these r addicting to make lol. Also, changed up some lyrics for the sake of the storyline making sense. 2/4? Fics I’m posting today!

Tom Blyth x singer!reader au masterlist

Divider by @pommecita

You let out a shaky breath, "I left you here, heard you keep the extra closet empty," You sing the first words of your unreleased song to the crowd. "In case this year, I come back and stay throughout my twenties, what if I won't? How am I supposed to put that gently?" You had just freshly turned 23 and broken up with Tom.

You honestly don't know how you ended up here, in-front of a crowd of hundreds in London. Performing in front of people was the last thing you wanted to do at the moment but you had to keep a strong front for your supporters, this show was highly anticipated.

"I've had the thought, tried to work it out through anxious pacin'" Your biggest coping mechanism was writing songs. You never knew how to really express your emotions in sentences to someone, so instead, you write them into songs. Your real feelings and emotions laced into words that in the end, formed a song.

"But it's a lot, all the shine of three happy years fadin'" The crowd watched in silence, partly because it was a new song and they did not know the lyrics to sing along, but also because they were mesmerised. Your voice held so much emotion.

Your fans weren't aware that the two of you have broken up, but a few had already pieced it up. "The whole facade, seemed to fall apart, it's complicated." Everyone viewed you and Tom as the power couple, deeply in love with one another with no flaw or doubt in the relationship

While half of it was true, the other half wasn't. The seven year age gap different had been brought up so many times throughout your relationship. You remember the first time the two of you got together, you were 20 and he was 27.

You both received heavy backlash from the internet but the two of you ignored them all. They weren't the ones in the relationship, they weren't the ones to make the call about whether or not you should be together.

"And part of me wants to walk away 'till you really listen, I hate to look at your face and know that we're feelin' different," As the three years went by, uou hoped you weren't the only one in the relationship that doubted a few things. You didn’t want to admit that other people's comments were getting to you. As the three years progressed with Tom, you felt as if you were just both in such different phases of life.

You were still so young in your early twenties and fresh in your career while it seemed that Tom was ready to settle down, marry, and start a family. He would always mention starting a family and you would listen, not really knowing what to say to him.

But recently, you came into terms with the truth that both you and Tom don't share the same feelings or goals at the moment. "Cause part of me wants you back, but, I know it won't work like that, huh?" You loved Tom, parts of you still do. He never did anything wrong, he was everything you could have ever wished for. You like to think of him as the right person, wrong time.

But nothing was going to change the fact that you two were just in different stages of life. Nothing will change the seven year age gap between the two of you. "I know we cut all the ties, but you're never really leavin'"

Tom hasn't left your mind. It would've been easier if he did. But he just couldn't. "And part of me wants you back, but, I know it won't work like that, huh?" Your voice slightly cracks, a single tear drop runs down your face. Eyes closed, you let it. The dewy stream your tear left—accentuated with the bright lights focused on you—did not go unnoticed.

[amethxxt]

i'm ranting about descendants again and this is a long one

Alright, I talked a little bit about this on twitter literally yesterday (https://x.com/amethxxt/status/1798768561613361458) but I wanted to do it here too, so here we are!!

I think everyone has seen these pictures by now. It's from Descendants new book "The World of Auradon: Royals & Villains".

Now, at first, I got really excited (in a way, I still am) because it'll probably give me more material to use in my fics. Also, Uma looks absolutely stunning, so I immediately began reading her page and... Well, it's not the nicest things, right?

Like I said on twitter, I can't be the only one who sees the majorly different ways they talk about Uma and Mal.

With Mal, they start saying she's a "confident natural leader", and like- no, she's not, far from it.

I think the best version we got from Mal was on D1. She was such a good character and that's when I think the writers succeded the most with her - I believe it was hard to find someone who actively disliked or simply hated her.

When D2 came out, things went slightly downhill. Mal's inner conflict of not being the picture perfect Lady of the Court and feeling that the odd one out because she wasn't doing well in Auradon when compared to her friends is very realistic.

The pressure that she was feeling to be perfect and all the new things that came with being the King's girlfriend makes you understand why she was so anxious and wanted to leave. Now, I think we should all understand that this makes Mal a very insecure person.

She's insecure, she's flawed and runs away the first chance she gets because everything becomes too much. And if they wrote her like that, how is she a confident natural leader?

When the Core Four and Ben go after her, it's when things begin to change. Mal has a few moments in this movie: running away and leaving just a note to her best friend, claiming Dizzy was going to be fine when Evie felt sorry about leaving a child in the abusive place they all grew up in, betraying Uma's trust. Yeah.

I'm gonna make it very clear that I really like Mal as a character. I criticize her a lot because the writers started putting her in a pedestal, overpowering her and trying to erase anything that could be seen as bad.

Why would they have Mal apologize for using a love spell on Ben when they make such a cute couple and would be endgame anyways?

It gets worse in D3. I remember watching them announce that Hades was Mal's father and being like "No fucking way" because you want this girl to be not only half-fairy but a half-god?? Was this the only way to have his ember in the story?

Well, I think we got used to that plot after a while, but then - Oh, Mal's also Lady of the Court, she'll be a part of the decisions that concern the Isle of the Lost and a voice for the other VKs.

Yes, Mal is "a confident natural leader" who turns her back on her people and comes up to the idea of closing the Barrier for good to protect Auradon citizens.

Why do they refuse to bring up the fact that it was her idea?? Nevermind the fact that her and Ben weren't married yet, she was not the Queen and had absolutely no power to make that decision. They make Ben so useless, a King with no voice because he's not the main character, right?

So she makes a decision that's not up to her and proceeds to lie to all of her friends, makes empty promisses to both Celia and Uma, and when shit hits the fan, nothing happens.

Having Evie confront her about it is one of my favorite scenes, but what are the consequences? I understand that it was the final movie, but it's so rushed that makes everyone else feel out of character.

Mal and Evie can be the best of friends, but you can't tell me Mal would be like "I was wrong, I have to be a voice for everyone and I shouldn't have lied" and Evie would be just "Ok, perf".

And what about the opposite? When Mal betrays Uma for probably the third time, Uma has no trouble forgiving her? Of course they don't mention what happens in the books, they don't mention Mal trying to hurt Evie (or even get her killed lol) and they don't mention the "shrimpy" incident with Uma.

They don't talk about Mal's wrong doings the same way they talk about Uma.

Uma, according to the new book, is a "confident and resourceful VK with a major mean streak". Sorry, Uma has a mean streak? I don't think so. What Disney and Descendants keep doing is use the definition of a villain for a character who's an antagonist.

Villains have malicious intentions, they are evil. You're gonna tell me the girl who simply wants for all the children to get off the Isle, a place they were forced to live in along with murderers and other criminals, some of those who happened to be their parents, all while surviving off of the garbage that came from Auradon, is the evil one?

That is not to say Uma doesn't make mistakes or does bad things. Mal and Uma have the common point of using a love spell on Ben, which is awful and should be acknowledged as that, but they only do it in Uma's case.

"When Mal and her friends successfully freed Ben, Uma took it one step further by putting Ben under a magic love spell" x "She [Mal] used spells to mess with other students, to convince Ben that he loved her, and to change herself in order to fit in as Ben's girlfriend. But once she realized she needed to ditch the spell book and learn to survive without magic, she was able to become the queen she was always meant to be"

Those... are not the same to me. They detail every thing Uma does during D2, making it clear that using a love spell was worse than the previous actions of kidnapping him, but with Mal it almost feels like they excuse her actions because, eventually, she learned that magic wasn't the way to become who she was meant to be.

Also, what do you mean Mal felt guilty about the other VKs who were left behind? Mal didn't even look sad when her and Evie were leaving Dizzy behind! Evie was the one to come up with the idea to bring more children to Auradon, and when that magically turned into the VK Day (my arch-nemesis plotline along with Merlin Academy), she didn't look worried at all that it would them so long to free all the kids if they were going to pick 4 each time.

And again, her idea to close the Barrier for good (with no way in or out) would mean that eventually, everyone left in the Isle would die. I know it's Disney, and they would never make that happen, but if you're not going in to even leave your trash there (aka their food source), yeah, they're all dying.

Now, with Uma, they point out how she wanted to escape and get revenge on Mal, but like...... not really? Of course she mentions in D2 how she wants Mal's new turf and tries to make a deal with her to leave with her crew, but when she's actually free and we get into D3, it's been months (I think) and while Auradon's scared she's going to do something, we find out Uma spent all that time looking for a hole in the Barrier to get the kids out.

When she makes another deal to help Mal, all she asks for is the guarantee that every kid who wants to leave the Isle is able to do so. Who breaks that promise? The "villain" with the major mean streak or the confident natural leader?

I'm not saying that Mal is real villain, because she's really not. But she's far from how they describe her and if you're gonna tell me she's a natural leader, I better not see her bringing down the Barrier, letting both the kids and villains out, and acting like it's the right thing to do.

VK Day wasn't the answer to free the innocents, but bringing down the Barrier isn't it either! Mal doesn't "help convice Auradon citizens to accept all VKs into Auradon Prep" she just decides to do that lol

And again, that decision is not up to her, she had no legal right to do it. She was just Lady of the Court and nothing else.

Like I said on twitter, Disney and Descendants like Uma because she's a fan favorite, she was one since they announced her as a character. But they insist on the idea that Auradon changed her for the better, as if she was never someone who fought for what was right. She's not perfect either, but they can't write about her in a way that makes her look better than Mal.

How did Mal stop her at the end of D2? Mal didn't do anything, they were fighting, Ben made a speech, Uma turned around and left. That was it.

How did Auradon transform her? Of course they are implying that because of Rise of Red and her becoming the new principal, and even though this plot still kinda confuses me, it still seems like all the wants is for Auradon to be a fair place that doesn't discriminate against anyone.

I now this is getting too long, but I really like ranting about descendants. It's my comfort franchise but there's so many things wrong with it lol

And I also know I'm probably looking too deep into it, but I don't think I'm the only one who sees the ways Disney has always treated Uma and Mal differently.

I want to get this book and see if there's anything else about them. I really wished Disney and Descendants treated Uma better, though.

[captn-trex]

oldest trick in the book

Hardcase x F!Reader

word count: 3.4k

description: you've been secretly pranking hardcase as payback for a prank he pulled on you, but this time he catches you in the act

warnings/tags: friends to lovers I suppose, hardcase is a smug little shit at the beginning & a little bit adhd-coded, reader is described as shy/anxious and potentially also neurodivergent in some way but I wasn't writing it to be like that on purpose am I telling on myself? I feel like this is very cheesy lol

a/n: alright. I wouldn’t say this is my best work but I just needed to get it out of my system. this definitely took a more sweet turn than I was anticipating, probably because I didn't plan it at all and just pulled it outta my ass. I blame @ghostymarni making me thirst for this man to a concerning degree

masterlist | join my taglist | read on ao3

Perhaps if anyone knew what you were doing, they’d think it was weird, and honestly, maybe it was.

You tiptoed into the barracks, your footfalls light and ear reaching out in search of any noises. You knew there shouldn’t be anyone in here at this time, but it didn’t stop you being cautious. After all, that was how you had kept this operation going so long.

Not entirely sure which bunk was the one you were searching for, you tried to look for any identifying items. A pack of smokes? He didn’t seem the type. Hairbands? Definitely not, that one most likely belonged to Tup. A pile of laundry? Could well be his. Among other things, you knew Hardcase could be messy, something you had picked up on in your time studying him, figuring out his daily routine. It was much the same as the other clones, naturally, but in watching him you’d realised just how different from them he was.

As strange as this all sounded, you didn’t start it. At least, that was how you rationalised what you were doing.

Hardcase was a known prankster aboard the Resolute. Him and a few of his brothers, namely Fives, filled their spare time by terrorising the rest of the crew, and you were not immune. You had been burned by them on several occasions, and the most recent was a tipping point for you.

That time, it had been just Hardcase, and he had made you look a fool in front of your employees. You were the head technician aboard the venator, and standing in front of your team, giving a briefing without being privy to the ‘kick me’ sign stuck to your back, was not something you had been pleased about. It was especially irritating as you were still relatively new in the role at the time, and to have your leadership put into question, being a little shy to begin with, did more damage to your confidence that Hardcase probably realised.

So, you had been pranking Hardcase back. They weren’t so much proper pranks as harmless inconveniences for him, but in any case, it was a satisfying form of payback. Most of the time you’d steal his things only for them to ‘turn up’ in the strangest of places, none where you could be implicated, and other times you arranged little situations designed to embarrass him.

The only problem with that was that he refused to be embarrassed, and honestly you admired him for it. His ability to brush off jokes at his expense was commendable, and made you feel like a spiteful cynic for reacting in the way you had to his admittedly innocent prank. Though, you were having too much fun with it now to stop. You knew you were safe from him suspecting you, considering he probably just saw you as the quiet ship tech who he liked to bother when he was back on the Resolute, and he was yet to mention it if he did.

So here you were, rifling through the drawers beside his bunk for something you could steal or use to your advantage. You opened the final draw and your lips curled into a grin as you saw the only item inside: his music player and headphones. You had stolen them before, and remember him being particularly irritated about it, more so than at your other exploits.

You were so caught up in your glee at finding the player again that you didn’t register that someone had entered the room. The pile of dirty blacks should’ve been a clue really, but when someone cleared their throat and you whipped around, finding Hardcase himself with just a towel slung around his waist, you couldn't help but gawk.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his suspicion as obvious as his amusement at your flustered state.

Your hands were behind your back to hide the almost stolen item, your eyes fighting to keep away from his bare chest and failing miserably. You had no idea that his tattoos stretched down his chest, and the way they dipped beneath the edge of the already dangerously low towel had your mind reeling.

“Nothing, just a— it's a routine check” you finally peeped out, trying to sound casual. You had never been good at lying, and you could tell that much was obvious to Hardcase by the way his lips twisted in a smirk.

You quickly darted for the door, the offending item still behind you back to not get caught. You knew the jig was going to be up soon enough, but you didn't feel like answering for your crimes while he was only wearing a towel and you couldn't keep your eyes on his. Unfortunately, Hardcase had other ideas.

He reached out, blocking the exit and causing a small startled yelp to fall from your lips. Your eyes trailed along the toned arm that stopped you from leaving, lingering on the tattoo that circled his bicep, and finally making your way up to his face.

“A routine check?” he spoke, smirking broadly at you, “mesh'la, we both know that's well beneath you”

“Well, I like to know what's going on aboard my ship” your voice was wavering and you internally cursed yourself for letting him get to you like this.

He leaned in a little, his voice dropping fractionally, “you need to know what's going on in my bunk specifically?”

Hardcase had always had fun toying with you, even outside of the pranks. When he'd seek you out during his moments of respite and natter away, telling you a great many things about his most recent deployment, he'd always find a way to gently push your boundaries, not enough to make you uncomfortable, but just enough to get you flustered. It was low hanging fruit really, with you being so shy it was so easy to make you blush, as you knew you were now.

“I— it wasn't just— I was—” you shut your mouth, just looking up at him not knowing how to explain yourself without some kind of confrontation.

Hardcase stared back, his gaze appraising and amused. He nodded behind you, “what have you got there?”

Your eyes went wide, “nothing! It's like I said, just doing some checks”

You knew you were bright red, betraying your lies even further than your shaky and stuttering voice, and you had to look away from him. He took the opportunity to quickly reach around you, taking back his property and holding it above his head so you couldn't seize it again, even though you tried to. He was much taller than you, it was helpless.

“Ah, my player, you know this has gone missing be—” his eyes thinned as he looked back at you.

You rocked back onto your heels and clasped your hands together, looking up at him innocently. You knew you were caught now.

“…Before” he finished the thought and his eyes widened, “you're the one who's been stealing from me?”

You were surprised to see that he was grinning as he said it, and it only unnerved you more.

“No! I don't do that sort of—” you tried to argue your case, but he wasn't having it.

“And yet here you are… stealing”

You looked away, your face aflame, and uncertain of how to get out of this situation. Before you could figure it out, you felt his hand on your chin, tipping your face back his way.

“I must admit, I'm impressed” He said as he looked down at you with a thoughtful expression.

“Impressed?” you practically squeaked, unsure what direction this was going in.

“Mhm” he hummed as he ran his thumb over your chin, “I didn't realise you were so… devious”

You didn't say anything, but one side of your mouth quirked up on instinct. His gaze flicked down to watch it happen and then he peered back into your eyes, mischief swirling within his own.

“You know, you owe Jesse an apology” Hardcase said, towering over you even more as he stepped into your space, and you frowned a little, not understanding his words. “I called him a thief and said he was stealing my stuff, started watching him more closely”

You were entirely captivated by him, hanging on his every word, and it was as much a shock to you as it was amusing to him. He was still holding your chin and with his proximity to you now, your head was tipped back to look up at him.

He gripped you tighter with a calculating smirk, “Only… you were the little thief I should’ve had my eye on”

You gulped, the deep baritone timbre he was employing evidently having its intended effect, and rendering you speechless.

“Better watch your back, mesh'la”

You didn't know what that word meant, he’d said it to you before, but that was no comfort as he left your space and went back over to his bunk, placing down the items you had tried to steal. Still rooted in your place and watching him, he hooked his thumbs into his towel, and smirked at you once again when he noticed you standing there.

“you're not gonna try steal my towel too, are you?”

At that point you scrambled from the barracks and back to your own quarters, too embarrassed to do anything dignified.

It had been so long since Hardcase had caught you in the act, that you'd forgotten just how long it had been.

You'd kept your eye on him ever since, and watched out for incoming pranks every moment of every day, but nothing had happened. Hardcase went on like he hadn't even caught you that day, continuing to throw small adulations your way as he passed you by in the corridor, occasionally sitting by you in the mess hall, coming to irritate you when you were working late. Though, unfortunately for you, it wasn't so irritating anymore. Maybe it never had been.

While you were weary of incoming tricks, his presence was such a simple joy that you didn't mind it at all. It was often soothing in a particularly strange way. You didn't speak an awful lot, but Hardcase would fill the silences with stories of his time in deployment, telling you about the tricks that him and his brothers had got up to. The friendship between you worked well because of it. He didn't mind that you were quiet, and in fact seemed to respect you more for it.

You were working in your office, sat on the floor with a cup of caf balanced dangerously on your knee as you tinkered with your malfunctioning datapad. You would be sat at your desk, but the mess that was atop it made doing any sort if work difficult. Besides, you preferred working on the floor, it made the work feel less tedious.

The door slid open and Hardcase strolled in, as if the office were his own, and he walked over to your position with a grin on his face. Without a word he sat down opposite you, cross legged to mirror your posture, his knees almost touching yours as he grabbed the mug of caf from your knee and took a sip. He placed it down on the floor as you eyed him suspiciously.

This behaviour wasn't abnormal for him, and you didn't mind it, but you were still suspicious of any incoming pranks. Your eyes roved his body, looking for anything unusual, but you found nothing. His expression was amused, watching you evaluate him.

“What?” you asked, giving him an uneasy look.

“What?” he asked back.

You narrowed your eyes at him. He wasn't usually bugging you at this time of day, usually he came by during the evening, but right now it was early in the morning. You had gotten up before everyone else to finish up a personal project; fixing your datapad. It had been on the fritz for a few days and it was starting to affect your workflow.

“Why are you awake?” you asked, looking back down to your datapad and flipping the tool in your hand to access a new angle.

You saw him shrug in your peripheral, “why not”

“As good a reason as any, I suppose” you muttered, your focus more drawn to your work than him.

He began tapping his foot gently, watching you as you worked. It was more of a comforting rhythm than a distraction, but you noticed it all the same. Then it stopped, as if he'd been thinking and come to a conclusion.

“Tell me something mesh'la” he spoke quietly, and your gaze snapped up to his, “have you been watching your back like I suggested?”

You frowned, suddenly very unnerved, “yeah, I suppose so”

“You've been watching me? making sure I'm not up to anything” he asked, the hint of a smirk lifting one side of his lips.

You were hesitant, but you answered, “yeah”

He hummed, nodding a little, “and what have you noticed?”

“Nothing”

“Nothing? Mesh'la, I'm hurt” he pouted, his hand rested over his heart, mockingly upset.

You huffed, unimpressed, “stop saying that, I don't know what it means”

In a distinctly agitated manner, you continued on tinkering with your device. Hardcase tipped his head so that he entered your field of view, trying to gain your attention.

“Come on, humour me”

Your eyes flicked up once again, and the look he was giving you made your stomach flip. His smile seemed genuine, so you put down your datapad and tool, clasping your hands together in your lap and giving him your undivided attention.

“I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary” you said honestly, looking for an indication of what he might have done in his reaction.

His eyes narrowed a little, sending you an almost puzzled look, “then what is the ordinary?”

“I don't know…” you trailed off, the response somewhat of a default, but Hardcase looked strangely interested, “I don't need to tell you what you do ordinarily”

He chuckles, “maybe not, but go on anyway”

“Okay…” you gave him a strange look, not understanding why he wanted you to report your findings about his everyday routine. You thought for a moment, looking down to your fiddling hands, “well, you… you’re always more excitable right before meal times, just because you have more energy then. You use your music player when you've been around your brothers for a long time and they're being loud. You sometimes shy away from things if you've said you're going to do them, but otherwise you're impulsive. Uh— not that that’s a bad thing. You're… more focused than your brothers give you credit for, at least, when you are focused it's—”

You halted when you looked up, Hardcase’s expression was so tender that you were startled into silence for a moment.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you asked hesitantly, your body recoiling unsurely.

“You already knew all that stuff about me before I said to watch your back?” his voice was quiet, quieter than usual, and everything about his demeanour made you put your guard up further.

“Yeah, I mean I—” you stopped, eyes widening as the credit dropped, “wait…”

Hardcase’s lips lifted into an amused smile, though it was no less genuine.

“This was the trick, wasn't it?” you gestured vaguely in the space between you, “getting me to watch out all the time?”

He huffed a small laugh as his grin grew, “maybe, I figured you might torture yourself trying to figure out where it was coming from, so I just let you get on with it”

You shook your head in disbelief of your own foolishness, a light scoff passing your lips as you looked back down to get on with fixing your datapad. You really should have thought of that, but the more you let your mind dwell on it, the more you realised it was the perfect prank for someone as anxious as you.

You heard your name called before you could pick up your datapad once more, letting your eyes wander back to the man before you.

“I don't—” he paused, mouth twisting as if holding himself back before he found the right words, “I didn't know you… knew all that stuff”

“Well, it's just— no one pays attention to me, so it's easy to move around unnoticed” you shrugged nonchalantly, “it was pretty easy to figure you out”

“My brothers haven't figured out half the stuff you just said” he pointed out, his smile bordering on a smirk.

You scoffed quietly, “they're just not paying attention then”

“And you are?”

“I—” you then realised what he was really saying, what he had been saying, or trying to imply. You had to look down with the way a rosy tint spread across your cheeks, mumbling a reply, “I don't know, maybe”

Hardcase leaned forwards, resting an elbow against his knee as he tapped your chin gently, urging you to glance up at him once more. He was a lot closer than he had been, his face only a few inches from yours now, but you didn't back away.

“I did notice you, for the record” he said gingerly, his tone far more reverent than you were prepared for, and your insides constricted at the sound.

You waited for him to continue, make himself clear; you didn’t want to misinterpret what he was saying. Looking between his eyes to try and search for his meaning yourself, he let a small smile lift one side of his mouth to give you a more subdued version of his usual lopsided grin.

“I noticed you watching me, I just didn't know why”

You tilted your head to the side, “why didn't you say anything?”

“Didn't want to get my hopes up” Hardcase shrugged.

A frown creased your brow as you tried to understand, “I don't— um…what?”

He chuckled, the sound so warm and inviting that your heart skipped a beat, “I guess I hoped you were watching me because you were… interested in me, or something”

As his eyes darted to the side, his hand curling around the back of his neck in a sheepish manner, you saw the way his cheeks bloomed with colour, his eyes a little wide as if he'd said something he shouldn't have. You had never seen him act so bashful, and something about it made your stomach erupt into butterflies.

“And if I was?”

“What?” his eyes snapped back to yours, growing even wider.

“Interested in you” you clarified.

Hardcase's mouth hung open slightly, and you couldn't help but let a gentle smile curve your lips at his almost shocked expression.

“You are?” he was now grinning, his voice a whisper of disbelief.

You nodded tentatively, and his hands reached forward to grab you. A squeak left you at the sudden motion, and you had been pulled into his lap before you could even comprehend what's going on. His grin was enough already, but the steadfast grip he had on you made any self-discipline you had crumble into nothing.

“Mesh'la…” he whispered the foreign word as his eyes trailed the lines of your features, his fingers gently brushing across your cheekbone and resting his palm against you.

You offered a fake pout, and he chuckled, running the pad of his thumb over your bottom lip, “sorry, can't help it”

He didn't seem very apologetic at all, and as much as it drew a laugh from you, it made your intrigue grow. The words were almost on your lips, to ask what the word meant, but Hardcase got there first.

His lips captured yours with an eagerness and fervour that made your heart implode, beating against your chest and his as his arms snaked around your waist and pulled you flush against him. It was good really, that he held you so tightly and kept you rooted in place, otherwise you may have melted into a puddle as his ardour thawed any of the apprehension within you.

You pulled away, unable to hold yourself back from asking, “what does it mean?”

“what?” he blinked at you, his expression almost worried at your sudden departure from his lips.

“Mesh'la” you clarified.

“Oh” he broke out into a grin, rubbing his nose against yours as he chuckled lowly, “I'm not telling”

You huffed with a frown but he just smiled broadly at you, his eyes shining with the usual lick of mischief. Of course he was still going to find a way to toy with you, even now. You shook your head and brought your lips back to his with a fond smile, and he melted against you, a blissful hum sounding in his throat and rumbling through his chest.

taglist: @darthnihila @cdblake1565 @heidnspeak @burningnerdchild @orangez3st

[jyoongim]

Hi! Do you only do romantic pairings for Alastor? I was hoping to request something platonic so if that's not your things please ignore me!

I just wanted a fic to see Alastor confessing to reader that they are in fact a very dear friend to him (with the same energy of a sweaty palmed anxious school boy confessing to his crush) I just think it'd be adorable.

(I also just like imagining his fluffy wittle ears going flat against his head due to nerves without him even noticing) (god if evil why so fluffy)

Answer: I haven’t written many platonic (only one) but i am not against trying to do so. This is VERY short, but i still think it was cute

If you laughed, he was going to kill you was your thought as you watched Alastor clumsily stumble over his words.

What had gotten into him?

The Overlord was usually calm and confident. 

But now he has the aura of a sinner sitting in the holiest of holies.

Alastor was nervous; anxious and jittery, All that charm and wit out the window now that he is trying to tell you something.

From anyone else’s point of view, this would like that the sinner is about to proclaim his love for you and run off, but it was not that at all.

Alastor had invited you to dinner and hoped that he could show you how much he appreciated you being his…friend.

Yes. Friend. Like Mimzy girl tried to use pookie and Rosie.

Alastor considered you a dear friend and he wanted to tell you that.

But here he was, hot and sweaty like a boy telling his sweetheart she was beautiful,  it almost made him want to disappear.

But Alastor was not a coward.

”My dear, I arranged for us to have dinner to show you how much I appreciate you” ok so far so good.

You smiled, tilting your head ”oh? But I haven’t done anything special to raise such an occasion”

Your eyes swept over him, concern building on your face. You have been around Alastor long enough that you know when he’s feeling a bit uneasy. Sign #1? his ears.

The tuffs of red, which usually stood proud, are now flat to his head.   They’ve been that way since he started talking.

“Now now you don’t have to have done something special to be appreciated…let’s call it more like a ‘thank you’ ”

”Thank you? For what?”

He cleared his throat, eyes darting away from you, taking a deep breath “For being a friend to me” he said lowly, radio filter gone.

Your eyes widened. A soft smile cracked your face as Alastor looked away,  frustrated and blushing.

You giggled causing him to look at you, ears perked 

“Oh Alastor! Is that what you’ve been nervous about? Haha”. You beamed at him, reaching across the table to grab his sweaty hand to smooth him.

”We have always been friends. I know YOU like to decide such things, but we’ve been friends since you killed that creep”

Alastor blinked, and before your very eyes his charm was back,

He gave a toothy smile at your touch. You were one of the few people allowed to do so and it didn’t repulse him.

He found your touch to be quite soothing. He doesn’t remember when he started considering you a close friend, but he know that you don’t care if you ramble about different topics. He find it endearing that you are very jumpy, but don’t quiver at the sight of him, you’re stubborn and always give him a piece of your mind.

He first thought you were insufferable, but somehow you were always right by his side.

His favorite thorn.

He felt a soft hand petting his ears, and glared at you

You laughed “For someone in control, your ears sure do tell alot”

Oh he was sooo going to kill you.

[glossdebut]

PRICE OF FAME | MYG ★ CH. 2 TEASER

✧ PAIRING: yoongi x fem!reader

✧ SUMMARY: You were about ready to give up, your career nowhere near what you dreamed it’d be when you started at eighteen, bright-eyed and naive. Reality for you these past few years has consisted of pouting at a camera, ignoring whispers of your name at company events, and ensuring that the stupid, tiny designer purses they keep forcing on you can at least carry a flask. But now, you’re helping a friend in need. For the first time in a long time, it feels like you’re doing something worthwhile with your life. Too bad Min Yoongi, the newest thorn in your side, seems insistent on stopping you. 『 series masterlist 』

✧ TEASER WARNINGS: none!

✧ AUTHOR'S NOTE: ask and you shall receive! i still don't have a set drop date for this chapter, but i wanted to post this short teaser for y'all anyway since you've been waiting so patiently. i am so thankful for all of the love i'm getting for this series already!!! chapter one is almost at 500 notes which is SO insane. i get so stupidly giddy every time i receive a reply, reblog, or an ask about this series! feedback and interaction keep me writing and i am so looking forward to what all of you think of this teaser. reminder that you can track the tag 'glossdebut updates' to stay updated on drop dates/word counts/etc.!

P.S. just like with all of my teasers, wording is subject to change when the chapter actually comes out <3

✧ TEASER WORDCOUNT: 481 words

✧ STATUS: ongoing

Yoongi hasn’t touched a cigarette since he was twenty one years old.

He picked up the nasty habit at sixteen, when one of his friends doled out African Ice Jacks amongst the group, bragging that his hyung had bought the pack for him. As soon as the lighter was flicked on and the bittersweet taste of bubblegum and tobacco filled Yoongi’s lungs, he was hooked.

It was stupidly easy to get his hands on cigarettes before he was of legal age, even when his friend’s hyung couldn’t supply them for whatever reason. All of the adults around him smoked, including his parents. 

It felt as though cigarettes were an extension of his hand, felt wrong when he didn’t have the option to light one up. During school hours, Yoongi’s fingers would twitch on his desk as he waited for his last class to end.

He was a fucking anxious, wound-up kid. Smoking was the only thing that helped, sometimes. If he had a shit day, at least he could have a cigarette.

When the band got signed, though, things changed. Despite the fact that the majority of the population in Korea smoked, celebrities were vilified for it in the media. For whatever fucking reason. Yoongi didn’t care much what the media had to say about him, but he reasoned that it would be pretty stupid to let his dream die over Ice Jacks. So he quit.

It was hard at first, but it’s been five years now. After so much time, it’s rare that cigarettes even cross his mind, even when others smoke around him.

Sitting across the table from you now, though, Yoongi’s fingers twitch just like they had when he was in grade school staring at a clock.

He and the band started frequenting Yoojung Sikdang long before there was any real hope for fame. It was their chosen spot after every practice. The ajumma who owns it knows their names, remembers their orders by heart. Over the years, the only part of the restaurant that’s changed is their autographed photos on the wall. They’ve celebrated every single milestone here, big or small, just the five of them. Alone.

Wrapping up their first world tour should be no different. It’s their biggest milestone yet, and all Yoongi wanted was to eat ssambap with his best friends. Remind himself that none of the fame matters as long as they still have this.

But here you are. Of course. Encroaching on everything Yoongi’s built, everything he holds dear to his heart.

The only time it’s ever been more than the five of them here was the night they signed their contract, accompanied by two label executives. Even if you’re allegedly riding Jeongguk’s dick, no way are you that fucking important.

Yoongi would laugh if he wasn’t so pissed off. You are such a fucking pest. He just can’t shake you off.

✧ TAGLIST: @jajabro @pitchblack0309 @sugar-snap @ot72025 @ktownshizzle

@futuristicenemychaos @tea4sykes @sugainmybowl @namjoonsbuspass @wobblewobble822

@yoongiphoria @ohnothisnameisalreadytaken @this-most-assuredly-counts @sugafun @binniesbabe

@1800lxcifrrr @whoa-jo @amarawayne @kimsaerom @bangtangsworld @angellekookie

@jalexad @tarahardcore @valhallawhispers @chimmisbae @notsevenwithyou

[scribblesofagoonerr]

The journey to recovery begins now.

Heres the next part! ✌🏼

Let me know what you think? I have a lot of time on my hands currently unable to move much, so this is the result!

Credit to @alotofpockets for giving me the courage to continue to write!

Pairings: beth mead x teen reader, vivianne miedema x teen reader, arsenal wfc x teen reader

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

You never truly appreciated how much you took your knees for granted until it was too late, leaving you to confront the stark reality of their absence during the grueling weeks that followed after your surgery.

The initial stages of your rehabilitation post-surgery, each day felt like an uphill battle against the constraints of limited mobility. Every single step was a painful reminder of your body’s fragility, which left you teetering on the edge of frustration.

The simple tasks you once took for granted now felt like insurmountable challenges, even the thought of walking a few steps sent a wave of discomfort radiating through your knee, serving as a constant reminder of your newfound vulnerability.

Reflecting on the moment that led to this predicament, you can’t help but regret it as your knee injury could have been avoided. Perhaps if you had chosen a different path that fateful night, the outcome would have been drastically different.

“Where are you off to?” Viv’s concerned voice broke through your thoughts, she had virtually been watching over you like a hawk since your return from the hospital.

“I’m just going to the toilet” You muttered, struggling to get up from the sofa but you were just too stubborn to ask for any sort of help.

Vulnerability was something you’d never dealt well with, it was a trait that was deemed unacceptable in your previous harsh upbringing. Weakness was a luxury that you couldn’t afford, it was a lesson that had been ingrained in you from childhood.

You could practically hear the stern cold voice of your biological father as if he were standing directly behind you, whispering into your ear.

“Do you need a hand?” Beth’s offer was laced with genuine concern, finding it difficult to watch you struggle unwillingly.

“No” You snapped, the frustration bubbling to the surface; You hadn’t meant to be so horrible, it was just sometimes easier to revert back to a defensive coping mechanism that you had been conditioned to over the years as you grew up.

“Just know I’m here if you need me” Beth’s reassurance hung in the air, a lifeline amidst the uncertainty.

“Just shout for us if you need anything, okay?” Viv chipped in, reminding you as she watched you limp off in the direction of the bathroom, although there was a weight of worry lingering incase you somehow hurt yourself in there.

Beth noted her girlfriends’ vigilant gaze and softened her expression, “She’ll be alright, Viv. She’s only gone to the loo, remember?” she joked, amusedly.

“I know, I am just worried in case she aggravates her knee or something” Viv admitted her concern, anxiously biting her bottom lip, “She really needs to be cautious” she added.

“It’s okay to be worried, but we have to let her do things for herself” Beth replied, offering comfort to alleviate her girlfriend's anxiety about you, “If needs help then she’ll shout, remember?” she reminded her.

Viv folded her arms, still visibly worried for you as she tried to listen out in case there’s a sudden slip in the bathroom, “I just can’t help but feel anxious, Beth. What if she hurts herself in there?” she repeats her worries.

“I understand, liefje” Beth placed a comforting hand on Viv’s shoulder, “But we have to let her have some independence too. We can’t smother her with our concerns” she explained to the Dutch woman.

“You’re right, I just need to remind myself of that– I just hate that she is going through this. It’s not fair” Viv mumbled, shaking her head.

Beth gently took a hold of Viv’s hand and squeezed it, “It really isn’t fair, but we’re going to do all that we can to support her, every step of the way, no matter what” she declared.

Deep down, you knew your injury wasn’t anyone’s fault, yet your reflex was to just continuously push your loved ones away once more. 

Despite your attempts, it seemed futile, especially with surprise visits becoming a regular occurance.

Apparently, today was no exception.

Unable to start your rehab anytime soon, you found yourself wrapped up in self-pity on your bed, cocooned in blankets and lost in a Netflix TV show that you had zero interest in but since your remote has gone AWOL, it left you with no choice but watch it, but at least Myle was there for company.

“Y/N/N/! We’re here!” Kyra’s unmistakable voice cut through the air, announcing her arrival.

“Kyra, she might be asleep” Alessia’s voice followed through, a touch of caution in her tone.

“Well, she might not be” Kyra retorted, barging into your room with her usual typical energy to find you awake, “See, Less? Told you that she wouldn’t be asleep!” she grinned back at the blonde.

“Wouldn’t have much chance with the way you’re shouting” You mumbled, acknowledging both of their presence.

Alessia offered an apologetic smile, “Hey, Y/N/N. We just wanted to come and see how you’re doing” she explained.

“Oh, you know? I’m fantastic” You words are laced with sarcasm.

“Well, we brought snacks” The blonde attempted to lift your dampened mood, gesturing to the bag of the treats that they had brought you.

“Wonderful” You barely entertain the idea of the sugary treats as you keep your gaze fixed on the ceiling, disinterested.

“I can tell she’s definitely excited about that” Kyra mocked your enthusiasm, taking hold of the bag from Alessia’s hands.

Alessia shot Kyra a warning look before turning back to you, concern etched on her face, “Hey, Y/N/N, are you okay? Truthfully?” she questioned.

“Just fuckin’ peachy” You sighed dramatically, still refusing to meet their gazes, dismissing them with a wave, “How’d you guys get in, anyway?” you asked, changing the subject.

“Beth let us in before she left” Kyra explained, perching on the end of the bed.

“Oh” You mumbled in agreement.

“Someone’s feeling grumpy today” Kyra teased, her tone dripping with sarcasm as she started to delve through the bag and pull out a packet of sweets.

You snatched the packet away, tearing it open with unnecessary force, “Wouldn’t you  be if you couldn’t walk with out assistance?” The frustration was evident in your tone of voice.

Kyra raised her hands in mock surrender although the mischief still sparkled in her eyes, “Noted. I’ll steer clear of touchy subjects” she quipped, exchanging a glance with Alessia.

Undeterred, Alessia took a seat beside you, mindful of your injury, “I get it that you’re frustrated, Y/N/N” she said softly, attempting to connect with you.

You rolled your eyes with the irritation simmering, “Well, excuse me for not being in the mood for a pep talk” you remark, your tone sharp.

“Come on, lighten up, mate” Kyra interjected, reclining against the bed’s end with a playful grin.

Ignoring her, you continued to sulk, stuffing more sweets into your mouth  with unnecessary force, not in the mood for conversation.

Alessia sighed as her concern deepend, “I just… I thought maybe you could use someone to talk to. We know what you’re going through is difficult right now” she ventured cautiously.

“I don’t want to talk about it” You snapped, your frustration boiling over, “I just want to talk, that’s all I want. I want to be able to get out of this damn bed and feel normal again!”

“Well if you’re looking for a miracle, I think you’re in the wrong place” Kyra couldn’t resist a quip to wind you up.

“Kyra” Alessia’s reprimand was gentle but firm, signaling an end to the teasing.

A tense silence settled over your room, broken only by the sound of your frustrated sighs and the crinkle of the sweet packet that Kyra continued to help herself too.

“Listen, Y/N/N, we’re here for you, okay?” Alessia told you with a gentle voice, “Whatever you need, whether it's someone to talk to or just in silence together, we’re here” she stated, determinedly.

You met her gaze, your eyes reflecting a mix of frustration and gratitude, even if you were sometimes way too stubborn to admit it, “Thanks, Alessia” you muttered, the harshness of your voice starting to dull as you realised that it wasn’t any good to take your anger out on your team mates, who only wanted to help you.

Sensing the shift in atmosphere, Kyra leaned forward as her playful demeanour was replaced with genuine concern, “Seriously mate” she said, her voice uncharacteristically serious, “We hate seeing you like this. Is there anything we can do to help?” she asked.

You hesitated to answer, you were torn between your desire for independence and the comfort of having your friends by your side, “I don’t know” you admitted finally, your voice wavering slightly, “I just… I just hate feeling so helpless, you know?” 

Alessia reached out, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder as she gently pulled you into her embrace, “It’s okay to feel that way” she said softly, “But you’re not alone in this. We’ll all help you get through it together” she promised you.

For a moment, the weight of your injury felt a little lighter, the burden now shared amongst your friends who refused to let you face it alone.

“Thanks, Lessi. Thanks, Kyra” You mumbled, burying your head in her chest as you allowed yourself to lean on them for their support, knowing no matter how tough the road ahead might be, you wouldn’t have to walk in alone, “Could one of you please pass me the remote? I don’t know what I’m watchin’ but it’s so boring” you muttered, complaining which made the two of them laugh.

© scribblesofagoonerr

[oliversrarebooks]

corporate retreat 3/4

Previous > Masterlist > Next

tw: brainwashing, drugging, dehumanization, hypnosis, amnesia

"Quinn? Can you open your eyes for me, please?"

Somehow, they managed to get their eyes cracked slightly open. The lights in the room had mercifully been dimmed, and everything seemed fuzzy and indistinct.

"Good. Follow the penlight with your eyes, please."

Quinn did their best, but it all seemed like a big confusing blur.

"Reactions very slow but perceptible. Subject just barely able to respond to stimuli. Twilight sleep state achieved. Based on the results of the tests and their psychological makeup… recommend… and fifty milliliters… around two hours…"

Quinn felt the mask being taken off their face, and the cool rush of fresh air untainted by sedatives was a relief. They cracked their eyes open again as their arm was grasped by one of the assistants. She wiped the inside of their elbow with a cotton swab soaked in cool liquid, and then began to insert an IV line. They were still far too out of it, their limbs much too heavy, to resist.

The IV line was attached to a big bag of light blue fluid. Quinn watched as the drug went drip-drip-drip down the tube and into their arm. The assistant used the IV port to inject a dose of what looked like the same drug.

"We'll give you a little time to adjust to the new medication," said Dr. Moon. "You can just relax."

They assumed they were going to be put back to sleep, but instead they just lay there, staring at the slow drip of blue liquid, in a kind of tranquilized daze. Whatever this new drug was, it wasn't bad. They couldn't remember the last time they had felt so peaceful. Actually, they were feeling pretty good. The all-consuming sleepiness they'd felt from the gas had melted away into a drowsy calm, and their thoughts were gradually returning.

"Quinn? Are you awake? How are you feeling?"

Quinn turned lazily to Dr. Moon. "Good. Really, really drowsy… but good," they said.

"That's excellent to hear," Dr. Moon said. "You're on the good stuff now. We gathered enough data to understand how best to adjust your mind."

"The good stuff…" Quinn's gaze traveled back to the IV line. "What is it?"

"We like to call it cleaning fluid -- but don't be alarmed. It's a nickname, because it's for washing your brain." She laughed. "We have many different components we can use to make it. It's highly customized for the individual, their needs, and our needs."

They really couldn't have been alarmed even if they tried. "What's in mine?"

"Cleaning fluid always starts with Influence Serum. That's our proprietary control medication that removes your mental defenses and inhibitions and increases suggestibility, leaving your mind delightfully pliant and malleable. Then we add Liquid Lullaby -- that's what's keeping you drowsy and docile," she explained. "Your custom mixture also has Pacifier, our anti-anxiety agent, and a little False Paradise, to induce mild euphoria. Plus a few interesting other traces."

"That seems like… a lot of drugs."

"Don't worry, it's especially formulated for you, and completely harmless," she said. "You were so anxious coming here, weren't you?"

"Yeah," they agreed without hesitation.

"And you seem so exhausted. Aren't you exhausted from all the work you do?"

"Yeah, I am."

"And I bet you're so tired of thinking, too. Solving problems. Making decisions. Your poor, tired mind needs a break from all of that."

She was right, that sounded heavenly. What had they even been so worried about? The Brainwashing Department was so nice, and Dr. Moon was so friendly and helpful. "Yeah, I guess I really did need a break." They relaxed into the comfortable chair, resting their arm with the IV on the armrest. Dr. Moon was right. These drugs really were the good stuff.

"Well, it's a good thing you've got a month long vacation, then, isn't it?" said Dr. Moon.

Quinn smiled. "I can't believe it, but I'm actually glad I came here."

"Oh, that's just so lovely to hear you say! I really do think we do great work here. We help people," she said. "And I've got another treat in store for you."

"Oh? What is it?"

"I'm going to turn on the screen and you're going to watch a fun movie for the next couple of hours. It's going to hypnotize you and help you be so obedient. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Um…" Quinn furrowed their brows. They dimly remembered that they hadn't wanted that, but they didn't really feel like making a fuss when instead they could just relax in a blissful daze.

"Great, let's get you all situated." Dr. Moon reclined their chair a little bit more, then turned on the screen and placed it in front of Quinn's face.

The screen burst to life with a pulsating rainbow spiral, one that drew Quinn's eyes right to the center as the colors shifted and swirled. They couldn't look away. They didn't want to. Something about it was so, so… compelling… like it was the greatest and most fascinating thing Quinn had ever seen, like they could watch it forever.

"There we go. Just watch the spiral. You're too sleepy to resist, aren't you?"

"I'm… I'm not…"

"Oh yes you are. You're much too sleepy to resist."

"I'm… too sleepy to resist…" Quinn heard themself agree.

"The spiral is going to open your mind up very nicely," she said. "You're going to keep your heavy eyes open and watch the spiral, but your mind is going to go to sleep, okay? Deep, deep sleep… a deep hypnotic sleep where you can listen and absorb everything."

They could feel it. They could feel themselves falling asleep in the heart of the pulsating spiral. "I can listen…"

"So obedient, aren't you? Just like you should be. What an excellent subject."

Quinn couldn't help but smile. "…Thank you…"

"Oh, you like the praise, don't you? You're the type that wants to get a good grade in being brainwashed."

It felt like so long since they'd done anything right, really. "Yeah…"

Dr. Moon draped a warm blanket over Quinn's body. "Then be a good little test subject for me, stare in to the pretty spiral, and let yourself be hypnotized."

Quinn nodded slowly. They didn't want to do anything else. They felt a pair of headphones being slipped over their ears. Through them, they could hear soft music playing and Dr. Moon's voice coaxing them to fall asleep, to be obedient and docile, to love the experience of being brainwashed.

They were much, much too sleepy to resist. Besides, they wanted to please Dr. Moon.

They should just listen, let Dr. Moon do all the thinking for them, and fall deep into trance.

"Sleep and obey…" they heard their own voice saying. "Deeper asleep and deeper entranced… too sleepy to resist… I love being brainwashed… I must obey Dr. Moon…"

Their eyelids were getting heavier again, the entrancing spiral a colorful blur, as they repeated the mantras and fell so deep into hypnotic sleep.

They weren't sure how long they remained there, eyes half-open, staring into the spiral. Time seemed to have no meaning. It could've been five minutes and it could've been five months.

"…so happy that you were brainwashed. Three. You'll be docile and obedient. Two. You'll be relaxed and refreshed. And one. You can open your eyes and wake."

Quinn opened their eyes just as the screen turned off, yawning and rubbing the sleep from their eyes. They felt so, so utterly relaxed, like they'd just had the world's finest spa treatment. Like that was the first really good sleep they'd had in years.

They were still in their chair in the clinical room. The machines were quietly beeping, and the bag of drugs attached to the IV looked mostly empty. They were more than content to just rest for a while and see what would happen next, floating in a cloud of bliss.

It didn't take long before Dr. Moon entered. "Why, hello Quinn. Welcome back to the waking world. Did you have a good nap?"

"The best," they said. "I feel amazing."

"Oh, I'm so glad. You really needed that sleep and mental readjustment," said Dr. Moon. "Here, have some water and a nutrition bar."

Quinn eagerly took the food and water. It hadn't really been something they had thought about, but they actually were hungry.

"Did you enjoy the movie?" asked Dr. Moon.

"It was wonderful," said Quinn. "It feels so right to be hypnotized and not have to think for myself. I didn't realize how badly I needed that."

"Oh, you're such a model subject. I think you might be one of my favorites," said Dr. Moon as Quinn beamed in pride. "You're taking to the brainwashing so, so well. I agree, I really think it's exactly what you needed. And you're going to get another round with a new movie -- but first I wanted to give you a little break."

"Thank you," said Quinn through a mouthful of nutrition bar. They couldn't wait to see what the new movie would be like.

"First, though…" Dr. Moon nonchalantly pulled a capped syringe from her lab coat pocket, injecting the contents into the IV line. "We call this one Loose Lips. It's a truth serum. You're probably too hypnotized to really need it, but I want to make sure you're completely honest with me when I ask you embarrassing and invasive questions about your personal life."

Quinn nodded. "That makes sense."

"First off, how do you feel about your boss?"

They frowned, annoyance just barely managing to push through their drugged calm. "She's driving me insane with their unreasonable demands. She's constantly calling me in to work on nights and weekends because we're so short-staffed, and then she acts like it's my fault that I'm burned out. She wastes my time with boring, pointless meetings, and when there's some kind of problem, she micromanages me and keeps asking for status updates when I just need to concentrate on fixing it." The grievances poured out of their mouth easily.

"That sounds really rough," said Dr. Moon sympathetically. "You should tell me everything you know about your boss. I'm very interested. And after that, maybe you can tell me all about your insecurities, secret fantasies, and embarrassing fetishes."

"Sure!" said Quinn, so eager to be obedient and useful.

Dr. Moon questioned Quinn for a while, and Quinn found that they could answer all of their questions easily and in great depth without a hint of shame. It was really nice to be able to speak so freely. Dr. Moon was such a kind, understanding person.

"You've done so well for me," said Dr. Moon. "I couldn't ask for a better test subject. I think it's time for you to get another round of brainwashing, don't you think?"

"Yes, please!" said Quinn with a big smile. "I'm so lucky that I get to spend an entire month in the Brainwashing Department. Do you think I could transfer permanently?"

"I think that would be an excellent idea. We'll see. But for now, I need to change out your IV medication, okay?" Dr. Moon switched the nearly empty bag for a full one. "This formulation is a little different. I've reduced the Liquid Lullaby and added a little River Lethe. That's our best and most gentle amnestic -- a medication that interferes with memory formation and produces amnesia."

"Amnesia…?" said Quinn, feeling a strange bit of anxiety, the first they'd felt since waking.

"You'll be less sleepy this time, but don't worry, you'll be every bit as hypnotized and blissed-out. You're not going to remember the next few hours, though. You probably won't remember much of this conversation, either," said Dr. Moon. "This new medication will leave you feeling pretty fuzzy for a while after your treatment, too. Is all of that okay with you?"

The anxiety was dissolved by their desire to please the doctor. "Of course it's okay. Whatever you think is best." The new drug was already dripping steadily into their veins. It was strange to think that it was already at work in their brain, that they wouldn't be able to remember any of this.

"Then you can just sit back and enjoy your new favorite TV show," said Dr. Moon, turning the screen on again. This time, it was a scene of slow moving clouds floating by.

Quinn barely noticed when Dr. Moon dimmed the lights and left the room, the drugs and the voices in their headphones already turning their mind into useless mush, fit only to listen and obey. After all, they were so sleepy, and the hypnotic program was far too good to resist.

Previous > Masterlist > Next

[charliehoennam]

to the moon.

a/n: thanks to @ilovedavidloki for encouraging this with your support and your amazing work. hope u enjoy it!

pairing: david loki x f!mommy!reader

summary: david missed out on his first father's day and tries to make up for it when he comes home.

warnings: none really, just fluff with a baby and david gets in his fatherhood feels

SHARING IS CARING, REBLOG IF YOU LIKE IT

He's made this drive home countless times ever since he had gotten married to you a few years back. 

He knows the route like the back of his hand by now, but specifically today, it feels longer than usual. It might also be because he's been counting down the minutes to finally clock out.

It's after 10 p.m as he prays to get home soon enough to catch you awake still, so he presses his foot against the accelerator just a little more to speed things up. 

Most of the town is tucked away in their homes for the night; the roads are fairly empty at this time despite the hot summer night. 

Usually, he doesn't mind you not waiting up for him. Especially now that you have your 8 month old son Milo to take care for. 

Being new to parenthood is exhausting. Combined with the job, David usually feels more drained than ever.

Tonight is a different story though. He's so anxious to get home, gripping the steering wheel with eyes wide as he whispers for the car in front of him to hurry up. 

Within a few minutes, he finally reaches the familiar road and pulls into the driveway. 

He quickly grabs his travel mug and climbs out of the government issued car, setting the alarm on as he takes long strides toward the porch. 

Holding the mug between his ribs and his arm, he tugs at the silk tie around his neck and pulls it loose.

He wasn't the biggest fan of them until you got him a 3 tie set for the first birthday he celebrated with you. 

David didn't have the heart to tell you that he didn't wear them, although you had figured it out when you caught him struggling to tie it.

You remembered what he told you about being an orphan and assumed that he didnt have anyone to teach him. Until that moment.

Once you taught him how to tie it, he started wearing them more often; every knot tied with a smile at the thought of you.

Letting it hang loosely around his neck, he steps inside and locks the door behind him. 

The TV is off.  The lights - except for the one over the stairs - are out. The house is deadly quiet except for the faint hum of the AC.

His eyes scan over the playpen in the corner of the living room, laden with Milo's favorite toys. 

He smiles at the thought of Milo swinging them around, giggling deliciously at the top of his lungs. 

Taking the new travel mug you had gifted him with at breakfast to the kitchen sink, warmth blooms in his heart as he rinses the old coffee out careful to not scratch the Best Detective Daddy in the World adhesive with the sponge. He wants it to stay on there forever. 

He hates that he couldn't spend his very first father's day with his family, so he decides to head upstairs and peaks into Milo's nursery room. 

Milo is half asleep in his crib, wrestling against his own exhaustion etched into his eyes. With a pout, he threatens to cry. 

Judging by the baby monitor placed near the crib, David figures you must have gone to sleep already.

"Hey, buddy. It's alright. Daddy's got ya" David whispers scooping his son up into his arms. 

"Yeah, it's alright. Daddy's home now. Thanks for waiting up though" he smiles down at Milo. 

"I appreciate the effort, but you're tired, little man. I am too, but if it's alright with you, 'kinda wanna just hang out with you." 

The voice on the monitor slowly pulls you away from the dreamless slumber. You frown and listen to the voice, but once you recognize it belongs to David, you smile and close your eyes again listening to his little interaction like it's a lullaby. 

"Sorry I didn't get stay home today. I tried to, but... Well, I guess you're a little young to hear that stuff. It doesn't really matter anyway. I'm just glad to be home with my boy." 

You hug your pillow and open your eyes to listen in further while David cradles his son in his arms. 

"Y'know, I didn't get to have this when I was your age. My old man, he decided being a father wasn't for him. I kinda hated him for that...until you came along."

Your brows narrow at his confession as you stare at the wall.

"I was scared shitless when we found out about you. Thought I wouldn't be a good dad, that I'd fail like he did. I never understood why he bailed, but I do now."

Milo's eyes grow heavier and heavier as he stares up at his father, letting his words lull him slowly back to sleep.

"I guess I kinda forgave him for it the day you were born. It's funny," he pauses to chuckle to himself. "How can someone so small teach so much? Maybe it's not for everyone. I still get scared sometimes, to be honest." 

Tears prick at your eyes as you sit up, reaching for the monitor to hold it closer. 

"Thank you for that, buddy. Thank you for making me a better man. For teaching me to forgive him."

David lets Milo's tiny hand wrap around his fingertip as the baby finally gives in and surrenders himself to sleep.

"I know I work a lot. I hope you'll understand I just want to make this world safer for you and your mom. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you guys." 

You sniffle as you quickly wipe the escaping tears from your cheeks.

"But I do promise you this. I'm gonna be everything my pops wasn't. Teach you to ride a bike. How to kick ass in hockey. How to tie a tie. Your mom taught me that last one. It was kinda embarrassing, but don't tell her that."

You chuckle shaking your head as you stare at the monitor. 

"I'm gonna be the best dad in the world for you." 

His last promise is whispered as he palms the black hair on the top of his son's head. 

"Just be a little patient with me. You got a good ma, but she had role models to learn with. I didn't, you know? Doesn't mean I won't get there though." 

Sealing his promise with a kiss on the forehead, he carefully sets Milo back into the crib with the slowest and most gentle ease to avoid waking him up. 

"G'night, champ. I love you to the moon and back." 

As David walks to the hallway, he pulls the door behind him and leaves it half way open. 

You hear his footsteps coming to the bedroom. You quickly wipe your eyes to hide the evidence of your tears, but it's no use.

"Sorry, babe. I didn't mean to wake you."

"No, no. You didn't. I just..." 

Watching your head lower at the monitor in your hands, he nods. 

"You heard all that, huh?" He smirks with blushing cheeks as he removes the badge and gun from his belt to set them in the drawer of the night table next to his side of the bed.

"Oh, uh no. Just uh..  something about hockey?" You smile at him, eyes still wet.

"I know, I know. You don't want him playing hockey, but I'm telling you. It's inevitable when the lake freezes over, babe."

"It's violent" you smirk as he sits on the edge of the bed to untie his boots and sets them aside. 

"We'll let him decide then. It's only fair, right?" 

"Not if his decision is biased and heavily influenced by his father." 

You scoot closer to him and wrap an arm around his waist. With your palm rubbing at his chest, you kiss his broad back and rest your chin on his shoulder.

"Happy first father's day, babe."

He smiles and turns to kiss you properly. 

"Let's make another one" he whispers with a smirk, lips only a few centimeters apart as his nose nudges your cheek, hand squeezing your thigh. 

"Another what?" You chuckle smiling widely as your fingers thread into his gelled hair.

"Another kid. Doesn't have to be now. Doesn't mean we can't start trying though." 

"Oh, you're so slick, Detective" you chuckle caving in to his touch. "You really wanna have another one already?"

"I do, yeah" his body turns to you as his knee slides onto the bed, holding your hands in his. "I never thought I would actually say this, but being a father is one of the greatest things that's ever happened. I know I didn't think it would be, but I'd really like to have another one."

You nod and let his words sink in, gnawing at your cheek. Milo has really changed David.

When you told him you were pregnant, he had a panic attack strong enough to make him throw up. Witnessing the grizzliest crime scenes made David's stomach one of the strongest, but throw a baby in the mix and that changes rather quickly.

"Before I met you, it had been just me, sweetheart."

"What about Peter and Frankie and Paulie? I thought they were your family?"

"They are, yeah" he nods lowering his eyes to your hands in his as flashbacks from his time in the boys' home flutter through his mind.

Peter, Frankie and Paulie grew up with David in the boys' home. Although he still has every close ties to them, there's a longing in his heart that they couldn't ever really quite fill.

"When I was a kid, I saw the other kids with families and homes and siblings. The guys became my brothers, sure, but it wasn't the same. I want Milo to have a little brother or sister to love and cherish just as much as I love and cherish him, y'know?

You nod and your lips curl into a genuine smile. Time will never allow you to understand what David's gone through as an orphan, but it has certainly left marks on him that have been healing since you were both blessed with your son.

It warms your heart to know that David has embraced fatherhood to the point he wants to have another child. But part of you does wonder if it's not just a temporary band-aid on a wound that needs stitches, one much deeper than a simple surface scratch.

However, David's always been the most cautious with his words. He's had much practice with it on the job, always careful to make only promises he can keep.

If he's saying he's ready for another child, it's because it's been on his mind for a long time and he's thought it through very meticulously. He wouldn't take the risk of having a child just for the hell of it.

Children hold a sacred place in his heart. Having not had a family, he would never bring a child into the world to simply abandon and shun them into loneliness.

"Alright" you smirk at him. "Think we might have a girl this time?"

"Honestly? I really don't care what we have. I just wanna love the hell out of them."

[atinylittlepain]

Marcus Pike x f!reader

(there is no masterlist for this man, good luck to this man)

He's looking for something other than vanilla, and she is more than happy to provide such a service to him.

warnings | 18+ this is smut, pegging, rimming, sucking and fucking, sex work, lowkey sugardaddy!marcus, sweet shy marcus getting his world rocked, and then pancakes and a blackberry and a black american express card so ya know, the works.

a/n | this was written LAST MAY woof - i think originally it was supposed to be for the first round of the PMAMC (also woof) but she's here now :') special thanks to @wannab-urs for resurrecting this fucker. there is a part two... just sayin

..............................

The first thing she notices about him is that he’s nervous. He keeps loosening and tightening his tie, eyes glancing around in quick, anxious sweeps. He’s definitely never been here before, she would’ve remembered a face that handsome, strong jaw under a little scruff and big brown eyes that set a smile tugging at her lips when he finally meets her gaze. 

“Hey there, handsome, welcome in. First time?” His eyes drop down to the floor, a clipped laugh coming out as she steps closer to him.

“Am I that obvious?” He rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes crinkled in a shy smile that sets warmth spreading in her chest, bringing a delicate palm to his shoulder.

“Just never seen you around before, that’s all. What brings you to Pandora’s tonight?”

“Well, I, uh– I wanted to– um–” He cuts his own rambling off, jaw slack as he watches a man in head to toe latex walk by, being led on a leash by one of her coworkers. 

“Hey, don’t worry about them. I wanna know what you want. Would you feel more comfortable talking some more in one of our private rooms?” Eyelashes fluttering, spine arched, she knows exactly how to reel them in, noting the dip and bob of his throat as he nods.

“I– yeah, um, yes please.” Manners, she likes that. She slips her hand down his arm, taking his hand before turning heel and tugging him down the dark hallway, taking them into one of the vacant playrooms. It’s one of the tamer rooms, a four poster bed in the middle, red silk sheets, and a dark chest of drawers off to the side full of all sorts of fun. She guides him to sit down on the end of the bed beside her, his hands immediately going to his thighs in a nervous squeeze. His eyes are still darting everywhere, but mostly to the tops of her breasts, pressed up in the strappy leather corset she has on, though he doesn’t let his gaze linger there long before jerking his eyes back up to her face. 

“You don’t have to be nervous, baby. I just want to hear a little about why you came in, and how you’d like to be taken care of tonight, alright?” He nods, clearing his throat a few times before replying.

“I just– you gotta know that I’ve never done anything like this before, really. But, I don’t know, I guess I wanted to try something different? My, well my ex-wife, I think she thought I was too, um, vanilla. So I guess I want to– not be– um, vanilla anymore. And, Jesus Christ, you probably think I’m crazy, huh?” Somehow, he manages to still be handsome and look like a kicked puppy at the same time, and she has to resist the urge to push his flop of hair back and press a kiss to the crease between his brows.

“Not crazy at all. So when you say not vanilla, what does that mean to you?” When he gives her no answer, eyes only widening as he seems to wrack his brain for what to say, she laughs lightly, bringing a palm to his thigh and giving him a reassuring squeeze.

“Why don’t we start with the basics? Do you see yourself being more of a dom or a sub?” 

“I– what does that mean, dom and sub?” Oh boy, more basic than the basics then.

“Dom is shorthand for dominant, that’s the person in control in the relationship, and they’re usually the one inflicting any pain, if you’re into that. And sub means submissive, that’s the person who follows the dom’s commands, who gets taken care of.” 

“Oh, right, that makes sense. I mean, I don’t think I’d be very good at being in control like that, so I guess, more submissive?” I’ll say. She offers him a nod and smile, still trying to coax some of his anxiety out of him.

“Sounds good, handsome. If it’s alright with you, I can be your partner for the night. Let’s get some paperwork for you and then we can get started, ok?” He only nods, something she’s going to have to work on with him.

“For this to work, I’m gonna need you to always use your words with me, alright? That way I know exactly what you do and don’t like.” She says it to him over her shoulder as she rifles through the chest of drawers, getting out a waiver and a pen for him. 

“Uh, yes, ok, I can– I can do that.” She sits back down beside him with a hum, passing him the paperwork, watching his brow furrow as he reads over it.

“That’s a list of kinks we do and don’t participate in. Are there any that you’re particularly interested in exploring tonight?” Another clear of his throat, keeping his eyes glued to the paper when he responds.

“Do men– do men really like that? I mean, I’ve heard of it, but, does it feel good?” She looks over his shoulder to where his finger is pointing, her lips crooking into a smile when she sees what’s caught his attention.

“Mmhmm, it can be very pleasurable, with an experienced partner, of course.”

“And you– are you, um, experienced?” Her smile broadens into a grin at his question, resting her hand on his shoulder.

“Oh baby, I’m very experienced. Is that something you’d like to try out tonight?” He seems to consider it, his eyes darting from her lips back up to her gaze a few times before he finally nods.

“Fuck it, yeah, I wanna do that. But is it ok if that’s the only thing we do on this list? I don’t think I’m really into the whole– chains and whips thing.” She laughs at that, giving his shoulder a squeeze as she nods.

“Whatever you want. Just need you to sign that waiver which basically affirms that we’re all clean here at Pandora’s, and you are too. You’re familiar with our pricing, right? It’s three hundred for an hour, and five for two.” 

“Is it ok if I do two?”

“You’re the customer, honey. What you say goes.” With a decisive nod, he ticks the box next to two hours on the form, signing his name on the dotted line before handing her back the pen and paper.

“Nice to officially meet you, Marcus. You can call me Daisy, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight.” As she sets the paperwork down on the chest of drawers, he lets out a light laugh, drawing her attention over her shoulder.

“That’s not your real name, is it?” Stepping out of her heels, she pads back over to him, standing right between his legs, setting down the items she grabbed before guiding his hands onto her hips.

“It’s not, is there something else you’d like to call me for the night?” He takes a sharp inhale as she drags his hands from her hips, up and up until his palms are cupping her breasts through her corset.

“I, um– Daisy’s good, yeah.” Letting her hands fall away from his, his eyes search hers, obvious in looking for permission that she’s happy to give.

“You can touch me, Marcus, whatever makes you feel more comfortable.” 

“Can I take this off of you?” His fingers are toying with the laced-up front of her corset, which she lightly bats away.

“It’s a little tricky, let me.” She makes deft work of unlacing the garment, a known path for her fingers that usually bores her, though there’s a little kick of something else, him watching her and the fine flicker of her hands. Marcus lets out a laugh at the grin she offers him, fizzling in his throat when she lets the corset fall away to reveal herself to him, standing before him in only her barely-there shorts. The heat of his hands just hovers over the swell of her breasts, and she can’t help the sigh that thrums in her throat when he finally lets his palms press against her skin. It’s not often that a client affects her like this, and she has to clear her throat to refocus on the real task at hand.

“Why don’t we get you out of your clothes? Sit back for me.” She’s undone dozens of ties, worked her fingers through miles of shirt buttons, and doesn’t even have to look to get trousers unfastened now, but she can’t shake the prickle running up her spine at the way his eyes follow every movement, and she can’t hide the shudder that runs through her when he tentatively tucks her hair behind her ear as she works his pants down his hips. 

“Have you been doing this for long?” She shoots him a look from her spot between his legs, his pants discarded to leave him in just his briefs.

“Are you really trying to make small talk?” Oh, he’s blushing now. She likes that, crawling closer and dipping her head down to press a kiss to the center of his chest before dragging her lips up and up, catching at the bob in his throat before letting her mouth just hover over his, feeling the shaky pants of his breath.

“There’s no need for that, Marcus. I’m gonna take care of you now, and I need you to tell me what you like, and what you don’t, do you understand?” His voice comes out a little hoarse, and she can feel the thrum of it where her chest is brushing against his.

“Yes, I understand.” A grin is all she gives him, ducking down before his lips can meet hers as she lets her mouth drag a trail down his torso until she’s nipping at the waistband of his briefs. 

“Can I take these off?” When all he does is nod, she gives his hip a light pinch, something between a laugh and a grunt jumping from his chest at the sensation.

“Yeah, you can take them off, I– sorry.” She smoothes her palm over the spot she pinched, smiling up at him.

“That’s ok, baby. Just remember your words for me.” He can’t be real, that’s all she can figure when she gets him totally bare before her, his cock a perfect pink that matches the flush on his chest, thick enough to set her jaw aching in anticipation, and long, pre-come smearing in the tuft of hair over his pelvis. She can’t help but wonder why the fuck anyone would ever want to leave him when he’s this pretty to look at. 

“Can I touch you? Get you warmed up for me?” He’s propped up on his elbows to watch her kneeling between his legs, lips swollen from how much he’s been biting them, slightly parted in something like wonder.

“Yeah, yes, please.” 

“Hmm, I like a boy with some manners. Just relax, Marcus, and remember, I’m here to take care of you.” With that, she presses a kiss just below his belly button, smiling against the twitch of his muscles before dipping down and letting her lips ghost over the underside of his cock. It’s involuntary, the hum she lets out when she takes him fully into the heat of her mouth, relaxing her throat like she’s learned to do, a necessary move in order to take all of him. And he’s perfect beneath her, thighs flexing under her splayed palms, low moans rumbling in his chest as she alternates between swallowing him down and lapping at his leaking tip. She knows she’s done her job, that she’s loosened him up, when those moans start to get a little louder, a little more drawn out, and he slumps down off his elbows to run a hand through his hair, eyes scrunched shut. A kiss over one hip, then the other, keeping her palm steady on his heaving belly while she reaches for the lube, his eyes squinting open to see why she stopped. 

“You ever used lube before?” 

“No, never needed to, I guess.” 

“Well it’s gonna be your best friend tonight. I’m gonna warm a little up in my palms and then I’ll let you get used to the feel of it, ok?” He hums out an mmhmm, watching her hands rub in quick circles, his eyes following the subtle shake of her breasts with the movement. And when she gets her hands on him again, slicking her palm up his cock, a hiss slips through his lips.

“Sorry, is it still cold?” 

“No, fuck– just feels really good.” She grins at that, letting her wrist flick, hand in an easy glide as she slips her palm down to cup the weight of his balls, his groan cracking and shooting up an octave, hips jolting at the sensation. 

“Has no one touched you like this before, baby?” 

“I– Jesus, no– no one’s done that before.” 

“Well that’s just not right. Feels good, huh?” A little squeeze to punctuate her question sets another moan loose in his chest as he presses his head back into the sheets.

“Y-yes, feels really good.” She nudges his thighs open a bit more, letting her hand slip down lower, not pressing, but circling, gauging how he reacts as she keeps her other hand easily stroking his cock. 

“Remember, need you to tell me what feels good and what doesn’t. We can stop at any time. Do you like what I’m doing right now?” His eyes are still shut tight, one hand fisted in his hair, the other tangled in the sheets, pleasure pulling his whole body taut.

“Yeah, I like it. It’s, hah– it’s different, good, different good.” His words go a bit slurred when she presses her finger forward, opening him up as he lets out another breathy moan. 

He takes it well, whimpers and moans crackling in his throat as she starts a steady thrust, only pausing to work a little more lube over her hand. 

“Doing so good for me, Marcus. You wanna try taking a little more?” He sits up on his elbows, surprising her a bit with his firm reply.

“I want more, want you to use that on me, please.” He tilts his head over to the strap laying on the end of the bed, once again catching her off guard.

“You sure you’re ready for that?” He tilts his head at her, a crooked smile on his face.

“Didn’t you say something about the customer always being right?” She lets out a real laugh at that, shaking her head at him as he just grins, clearly pleased with himself. 

“I guess so. Alright, handsome, why don’t you get on your hands and knees for me? We’ll take it nice and slow.” He seems a bit taken aback by that request, his smile going a little slack as she gets off the bed to step into her harness, though he catches himself, clearing his throat and shifting around on the bed into the position she asked for.

She can’t help herself, getting back on the bed and kneeling behind him, laying a quick pat to his very cute ass that has him craning his neck over his shoulder to look at her.

“Sorry, just looks so good I had to give it a little tap. You ready for me?” He hums his assent as she slicks her fake cock in lube, bringing one palm over his low back in a reassuring circle as she scoots in closer. 

“Just relax, Marcus, this is about you feeling good. That’s it, open up for me.” She works her strap in slow, curling over him to press her lips in a murmuring of praise into his shoulder blades as he whimpers beneath her, his hands fisted tight in the sheets. 

“How’re you feeling, baby? Is it too much? We can go back to what we–”

“No, no. I just– just need a minute, fuck– didn’t think it’d feel this good.” She’s not being professional about this, she knows it too, but she doesn’t care. A professional would be checking the clock, making sure that he gets his before his time is up. A professional wouldn’t be laying kisses over his shoulders, whispering to him that he’s doing so good, that he can take it, that he’s so pretty like this. But nothing about the way she wants him right now feels professional, the way she wants to take care of him, to make him feel good, to keep him feeling good for as long as she can.

“Just say the word. I move when you want me to.” 

Slow and smooth, nothing but patience and permission in how she fucks him, her hips slotting with his again and again and again, simmering down into a close press, her chest draped over his back and her hand working his cock in time with her thrusts when he finally unravels beneath her. He slumps down onto his forearms, a slur of curses punching out of his lungs as she runs her palms up and down his shuddering back. But what he does next is so unexpected she finds herself at the mercy of his movements. The moment she pulls her hips away from his, he turns over underneath her, still catching his breath as his hands find her hips, insistent and harsh in the way he pulls her down onto the bed. He’s certainly a sight, cheeks flushed and hair perfectly mussed up in every direction, his eyes blown dark and wide as he hovers over her.

“Can I take care of you now? Is that allowed?” A professional would say no, that his time is up, get him a towel and a glass of water and process his credit card.

She doesn’t say no.

He fumbles a bit with the straps of the harness, letting out an impatient groan that makes her giggle, quick to bat his hands away and make easy work of shimmying the whole thing down her legs. And the smile he gives her as she does is downright sheepish.

“That’s, uh, a bit tricky.” She brushes his hair back out of his face, thumb settling against the dimple in his cheek, a move that’s entirely too sweet and she knows it.

“Just a little. I’m all yours now though.” He doesn’t waste any time, ducking his head down to press a sweet kiss over the top of her breast that turns salacious when he slides his tongue down over the tight peak of her nipple, her back arching up into the heat of his mouth as he lets his teeth graze over the sensitive skin. His hands are splayed around her hips, greedy and insistent in the way his fingers curl and press into her ass, lifting her hips up to slide her tiny shorts off her legs before he settles back between her thighs, his nose brushing against her twitching stomach, dark eyes flickered up to meet hers.

“Is this ok? Can I taste you? Make you feel good like that?” He steals a move from her book when all she does is nod, his hand that’s still curled around her hip laying a gentle pinch to the swell, his grin going boyish as she huffs out a laugh.

“Can I have your words, Daisy, please?” She tilts her head at his shy question, enjoying the flushed flare creeping up his cheeks.

“Hmm, you’re a fast learner, huh? Yeah, baby, I want your mouth, Want you to make me feel good.” 

It’s not that she had been expecting him to be bad at it. But she also hadn’t been expecting him to be so fucking good either. Head thrown back, thighs trembling around his scruff, moaning his name good. He’s not precious about it, licking a flat stripe through her cunt before letting his tongue catch on her clit in a harsh press, dipping back down to lap up the slick pooling at her entrance, a continuous circuit of pleasure that has every muscle in her body tensing up. He groans low in his chest when she rakes her fingers through his hair, tugging just a bit unkindly when his teeth graze her clit. One large palm snakes up to grasp at the swell of one of her breasts, his other hand pressed across her pelvis to keep her spasming hips still as he fucks her with his tongue, the strong hook of his nose dragging across her clit with each pass. And it hits her all at once, that snare of pleasure snapping hot and hard as she comes with a stilted moan of his name, her heel pressing between his shoulder blades, keeping him exactly where he is, and he continues to work her over as she comes undone on his mouth. 

She tugs at his hair again when it becomes too much, her hips jolting at the thrumming chuckle he lets out when he finally pulls away, resting his cheek against her hip while she tries to catch her breath. They lay like that for a hiccup of time, just staring at each other, a dazed smile on his glistening lips that she knows is mirrored in her own hazy grin. Eventually she lets out a long sigh, reaching out for him and thumbing away some of her arousal that’s smeared across his jaw. 

“Do you wanna, like, get a burger or something?”

“Is that– is that a part of my two hours?” “Oh baby, your two hours were up a while ago.”

…

He’s waiting for her right outside the club, and she mentally kicks herself for having worn sweats and a hoodie in for her shift earlier, though he doesn’t seem to mind, smiling big and broad when she steps outside to join him. 

“I know you said burgers, but there’s a diner around the corner that does the best pancakes in DC. Sound good to you?” She likes this version of him too, confident, certain, a bit old-fashioned with the way he holds his arm out for her to take like they didn’t just wreck each other a few moments ago, letting her hold onto him the whole walk over to the diner, opening the door for her, the whole chivalric production.

It’s so late at night, they’re virtually the only people in the place, tucking into a cracked vinyl booth and putting in their order, pancakes and scrambled eggs and bacon, the works. And they share every last bite, having both clearly worked up an appetite after their evening together.

Though he’s vague about it, she can suss out for herself that he’s some sort of higher-up government type, she knows them well, and in turn, she answers his questions about her, that her work at Pandora’s is good enough to be supporting her through college, Marcus seeming to perk up when she tells him she’d like to be an art teacher one day. He’s older than her, at least enough to have already been married and divorced, but she can’t find it in herself to care about that, too busy enjoying their easy conversation, the subtle game of footsie they have going on under the table, and the way he smiles at her, all of his attention on her. It’s so strange, so different, so starkly contrasted to the way her nights usually go, not that she minds the simple rotation of disinterested clients, but she hasn’t had someone look at her, really look at her the way Marcus is, in quite a while. 

“I have to admit, I wasn’t really expecting my night to end like this.” Plates long cleared, each of them nursing a mug of coffee as the first sweeps of dawn start to light up the streets outside, she smiles at his admission.

“Good surprise or bad surprise?” He grins at her question, leaning in on his elbows like he has the wildest secret to tell her.

“Really good surprise. I mean, I just think you’re– amazing. Fuck, is that weird of me to say?” She mirrors him, leaning in on her elbows, a smile threatening to quirk her lips.

“Hmm, no, it’s cute. For the record, I think you’re kinda amazing too.” Their faces are so close, and she realizes all at once that she hasn’t even kissed him yet.

“Only kinda, huh? Guess I didn’t do my job then.” She can almost feel the curve of his smile as she laughs at his simpering response, the sound getting swallowed when he closes the space between them, pressing his lips to hers. And he’s good at this too, his palm coming to cup her jaw, thumb stroking along her cheek as he deepens the kiss, licking into her mouth and nearly melting her on the spot. Though it’s over too soon for her liking when they get interrupted by someone clearing their throat in front of their table, pulling away to see the rather annoyed looking waitress setting their check down and shuffling away with a sour side-eye. She opens her mouth to protest when Marcus reaches for his wallet, but he waves his hand, black American Express glinting in the diner’s fluorescent lights.

“Don’t worry about it, baby, I’ve got it. It’s the least I can do after going over my two hours.” She can tell he means it as a joke, a flippant remark, but her stomach still sinks at even the suggestion of this still being a business transaction. It’s a sore spot for her, and though she’s more than comfortable with the work she does, her exes hadn’t been, nor had they been kind about it for that matter.

Busy signing the check, Marcus doesn’t notice the way her face falls, and she’s already out of the booth and halfway out the door of the diner when he finally calls out for her, further rubbing salt in the wound when the name he uses is Daisy. 

“Woah, woah, hey, what happened in there?” The hand he hooks around her bicep is gentle but insistent, and she can’t help the tears threatening to spill over when he turns her around to look at him in the faint morning light.

“Look, if that’s all this is to you, just business, that’s fine, but I have enough respect for myself to not–” He cuts her off, bringing his broad palm to cup her cheek again, his eyes wide and unwavering.

“Hey, that’s not what this is– I mean, at least not anymore. We did meet under some, ah, particular circumstances. But this isn’t business to me now, if that’s ok with you?” He thumbs away her stray tears, and she nearly goes dizzy with the relief she feels hearing those words from him. 

“I’m sorry, baby, it was a stupid thing to say, wasn’t even thinking.” Baby, it’s the second time he’s called her that. She’s never anyone’s baby, they’re always hers, but she likes it now, coming from him, finding herself smiling into his touch.

“I don’t want you to call me Daisy.” His eyes soften, smile tempering as he nods.

“Ok, what should I call you?” She tells him her real name, and with it, the last shred of her professionalism dissolves, and she doesn’t care one bit. He says her name like he’s rolling a hard candy around in his mouth, slow sugar in each syllable before he presses a kiss between her brows, lips trailing down to catch hers in a sweet smack. 

“Can I see you again? And, definitively not as, um, as business?” It makes her laugh, how quickly he shifts between confidence and constraint. She likes both. 

“I would really really like that, Marcus. Am I giving you my number or are you giving me yours?” His eyebrows shoot up his forehead, like he’s surprised she actually wants that, though he’s quick to catch himself, clearing his throat and smiling.

“Uh, both? Both is good, right?” They swap phones, and she can’t help thinking to herself that of course this man has a Blackberry, stifling a giggle as she types in her number. 

“Can I walk you to your car? It’s back at the club, right?” 

“Oh, I don’t have a car, actually. Just take the bus to get around.” He doesn’t seem to like that, lips pressing into a thin line as he looks at her.

“How about I get you home this morning? Would that be ok?” Under any other circumstances, she wouldn’t dream of getting into the car of a man she just met, but seeing as she’s already broken a dozen of her cardinal rules with him, she doesn’t think twice about getting into his sleek BMW that’s still parked outside the club. He keeps a palm splayed just above her knee, thumb idly swiping back and forth, a soothing lull as she gives him directions toward her apartment complex. She hates to admit it to herself, but she’s a bit reluctant to get out when he does pull up to her building, leaning over the console for a kiss that he willingly gives her. 

“So I’ll call you?” She lays a kiss to the small patch in his scruff, smiling against his skin when he lets out a huff.

“I’ll answer. Thank you, Marcus, for a really nice night, and morning.”

When she gets inside her apartment, she slumps back against the door, blowing out a long exhale and shaking her head.

“Fuck.” Her boss is going to kill her, but she doesn’t really care. 

[artificial-transmutations]

Closer Than Flesh - Run

After a few hours it becomes clear to the friends that it's no use. Jake isn't even close to reproducing the things Skyler did yesterday (and those weren't great either). The sigil stone shows a faint red glow when Jake concentrates really hard, but that's about it.

"Okay, this is not working. I can't get it to work, Sky!" Jake says.

"Maybe we should try something else." Skyler suggests. "Like maybe... I don't know. Maybe we could take a break."

"What?"

"Well, I mean, I was thinking we could go out for a walk or something."

"Right... do I need to remind you that you are, well... a dick? How would you go out for a walk?"

If Skyler still had facial expressions, he would grimace. "You know what I mean. You do the walking. It's better than nothing."

"Yeah, right. Not the worst idea, I guess. I'm getting a headache trying to reverse that whole mess. Plus, I get to grab something to eat on the way."

"Great. That's settled then. Ehm, one more thing." Skyler pauses for a moment. "Would you be okay with wearing something comfortable? Like sweatpants or something like that. I think I'm a bit bigger than your, I mean, previous equipment and I don't exactly fancy the thought of being crushed by your tight jeans."

"No problem." Jake answers quickly. "I'll find some sweats in my room."

As Jake changes into the pair of gray sweatpants, Skyler’s world goes dark again. Even though the sweatpants are not quite as tight as he imagines the jeans would be, Skyler is still being pressed back against Jake's body. Once he gets over feeling anxious about the cramped space, Skyler realizes it's actually quite comfortable: It's warm, safe and comfy, and, most of all, it smells like Jake.

Skyler is still not sure how he can see or smell, but his senses seem to be confined to his actual cock-form. If Jake is wearing pants like this, he can't see anything. He isn't actually sure how it works, either. As a dick, he obviously doesn't have any eyes, nose or tastebuds. Still, he can clearly see, smell and (as he remembers) taste everything around him. Especially his sight is interesting. While he clearly experiences the world from the perspective of his friends crotch, his vision is kind of all around his shaft-body, not directed like he used to see as a human.

Which brings Skyler to another question he needs answered.

"Jake?" he asks.

Jake twitches as the voice of his friend tears him out of his own thoughts. As he pulled on the pants, it felt... weird. Sure, he had pulled on pants, and even this pair of sweatpants on like a thousand times. Each time, he had stuffed his then smaller dick into his underwear unceremoniously, without spending much of a thought on it. Just as he did a few seconds ago. But this time, it's different. It's not merely a part of his body he is handling, it's actually his friend Skyler who is still attached to his groin. This just feels so weird.

"Yes?" he replies with a bit of a delay.

"How are you hearing me?"

"What do you mean? I can understand you perfectly well." Jake was confused by the question.

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean... I don't have a mouth. Or lungs. Am I speaking to you normally? "

"Oh! No, I don't think so." Jake thinks for a moment. "I think you're talking... directly to me."

He pauses and then says: "Oh! Does that mean...?"

He gets out his cell phone and starts a recording. "Say something again!"

"Uhm... Hello? Why, what are you doing? I can't see anything from inside your pants!"

Jake stops the recording and taps the play button. After a few seconds, he exclaims: "Crazy! I think you're talking to me telepathically! There is nothing on the recording."

"That's good at least." Skyler says with a cheer in his voice. "That means I can talk to you while we're out without anyone asking you were your pants have learned to speak."

"Great. Oh! I have another idea!" With that, Jake puts in headphones. "I put in my buds, so when I answer, it looks like I'm on my phone."

"Okay." Skyler replies. "Let's go!"

It feels weird when Jake walks, Skyler discovers. It's not exactly unpleasant, but there is considerably more movement down there than he expected. After the first few steps, Skyler slips into Jake's left pants leg, where he kind of settles in a stable position. Still, every step Jake takes leads to some shifting and tugging around of him.

At first, Skyler is uneasy by the sensations, but as more time passes, he slowly starts to relax, getting used to the new experiences.

"Where are we going?" He asks.

"I just left the apartment and I'm going to the park. I think there's a hot dog stand today and I'm getting hungry."

"Ha. One good thing about the whole thing is that I'm not hungry one bit. Would be difficult to eat like this, too."

"I'm glad you're enjoying your day." Jake says sarcastically. "I still want to end having a talking dick, preferably before I have to pee again. Do you have any new ideas?"

"Okay, okay. Sorry. We could search the web, perhaps if we put in the symbol again, we find out something I didn't before. Perhaps there is some kind of manual?"

"We could try that. Beats not doing anything useful with the stone itself. But first..."

Skyler feels a bigger shift in his surroundings, as Jake sits down. At the same time, he hears Jake continue: "I have finally gotten myself a hot dog."

While Jake is eating, there is not much movement for Skyler. As he doesn't want to interrupt Jake, he decides just to hang around a bit and relax. Quite literally, really.

After a few minutes, however, Skyler suddenly feels weird. Like, *really* weird. An entirely unpleasant sensation washes over him, almost like a physical pressure suddenly building all around him. "Jake..." he groans.

"What is it?" Jake sounds unconcerned.

"Something is wrong... What is going on?"

"What do you mean what's going on? I'm eating my hot dog, and everything is fine."

"No... it's not fine." Skyler groans again. His mind feels like he is drowning. Whatever this is, it's getting worse quickly.

"Wait, no, there is something." Jake looks around uneasily. It's barely noticeable, but it has gotten a bit darker. He looks up to the sky and notices dark clouds that have appeared. Wasn't it bright sunshine just a minute ago? A cold breeze has picked up.

"The weather has changed." he comments.

"No, it's more than that. Something is wrong, like seriously. I feel weird. Bad weird." Skyler’s voice sounds distressed, and Jake feels queasy all of a sudden. He doesn't feel anything out of the ordinary, but Skyler sounds really bad. Also, the sudden change in weather doesn't really seem right. He looks up again: The clouds are even darker than before, making it considerably darker now.

"Jake! Do you have the stone?"

"No, I left it at home. Why?"

"I don't think it's safe. I can't really say why, but... we should go home. Now!"

"Why? What's happening?"

"I don't know! I just... feel it!" Skyler groans again, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread. "We need to get back!"

That is enough to convince Jake. He puts down the rest of his hot dog and starts walking back, quickly falling into a jog. He is not very fit, so he quickly becomes quite exhausted. However, there are more and more unsettling sights, which provide enough motivation to keep moving. The sky is now really dark, like just before a big thunderstorm. The rest of the daylight gives it a reddish shine that reminds him of a sunset just before the sun disappears. Additionally, very dark, almost black with a hint of red, fog has started to appear between the trees and buildings. It seems to encroach toward him with every fast heartbeat of his.

"Shit. There is this weird fog, and it's gotten really dark." he reports the situation for Skyler but receives no answer than a pained groan. Jake is really worried now and so distracted that he trips and almost falls, only barely catching himself. One of his earbuds rolls away on the ground. His first impulse is to go after it, but the raising panic tells him to don't stop running.

"Shit! Skyler are you okay?" he asks out of breath. There is his apartment building. He quickly unlocks the door and gets inside, up the stairs and into his flat.

"Something really bad is going on, Jake..." Skyler says, his voice sounding like he is gritting his teeth.

Jake doesn't answer right away. What he sees in his apartment makes him temporarily speechless. The stone, the "sigil stone" as Skyler had dubbed it, is floating in mid-air, surrounded by an eerie red glow. The sigil on it is pulsing slowly, like the heartbeat of a giant.

"What. The. Fuck". Jake exclaims. "The stone is... "

He is interrupted by a sudden, loud noise. It sounds like an elephant stomping the ground with all its might, down on the ground floor. Then, a sudden loud cracking noise from below. Jake imagines some unearthly force breaking the building door, perhaps rending it in two or...

Footsteps. Heavy, angry footsteps on the stairs. Someone is coming!

"Sky!" Jake says in short breath. "What is happening?"

The steps come closer quickly, before stopping, probably right in front of his apartment door. He can see a red shine from outside and dark fog coming through the cracks. Jake is shaking now, paralyzed by primal fear, existential dread. "Sky..."

Then, with a loud blast, his apartment door is wiped away like a twig, blasting wooden splinters in all directions. At the same time, Jake hears Skyler in his head, his voice full of panic: "The stone!"

Almost automatically, Jake finally grabs the floating stone which vibrates in his hand with power and anticipation. As he turns around to the door, his heart skips a beat. Stepping slowly through the door frame is a nightmare come to life: A large, muscular man, almost naked bare for a short leathery pair of pants. His entire skin is blood red, as well as his wild unkempt hair, which only has a slightly darker shade of red. The face is obscured by deep shadows, but Jake can clearly see a pair of bright red glowing eyes. A large pair of black horns has breached the creatures skull, ending in red sharp tips like they are glowing red hot. All around the nightmare creature is dark red smoke or fog, surrounding him like tortured souls. Especially around his shoulders the flowing smoke gives him the appearance of forming wings that extend endlessly into the fog around him.

His mouth twists into an evil grin, revealing sharp teeth as a cold and cruel voice pierces the air, ringing in Jake's ears and resonating in his skull:

"Finally."

Jake feels weak and unable to move at all. Helplessly he stares at the demonic creature in front of him, which steps closer without much haste.

He needs to get away, he needs to flee somehow. That thing is no doubt going to kill him in a few seconds. But there is no escape: The demon blocks the door and any idea of a desperate jump out of one of the windows seems too foolish to even try. There is nowhere to hide, he is helpless!

All of a sudden, the stone in his hand begins to glow brightly red, brimming with power. For some reason, the demon looks surprised, angered even. He lunges himself at Jake now, as his terrible voice shouts: "What? Impossible! With my..."

The demon doesn't get to finish his sentence, as all around him, the world unravels itself, including the demon. Jake watches in horror as reality dissolves. His apartment, the demon, the outside world, everything dissolves like fabric triturating. He looks down on himself and at first, he thought that his body is experiencing the same fate. But quickly, he finds out that while his clothes disappear alongside the rest of the world, his body stays solid.

Solid, but not necessarily unchanged. Waves of change wash over him, pulsing from the stone in his hand. His skin feels weird and itchy, as little hairs pop into existence. First a few single chest hairs, then a whole patch of coarse hair, then a whole pelt. They stretch down over his stomach, forming a dense trail towards his crotch. As the hairs spread over his chest and connect to his armpits, his whole skin darkens and becomes a more tanned version of itself. Not dark like that of a Black man, but definitely something he wouldn't expect on a Caucasian man, much less on his gamer body. His nipples darken to a browner shade as well.

The itching spreads to his arms and legs as hair grows in there as well. At the same time, his body becomes slightly more muscular, gaining some definition. Not like an athlete or body builder, but like someone who visits the gym regularly at least. Jake can feel his face shift and change and his chin and upper lip itch, as a short, stubbly beard grows in and his whole facial structure reforms into one clearly showing middle eastern heritage. Finally, the last big pulse from the stone materializes surroundings around Jake again. He finds himself standing in a small yet stylish apartment, held in black and white colors.

No trace remains from his old place, the destruction or the demonic creature that was there some heartbeats ago. But there is also no trace of Jake as he knew himself. In his place, there stands an entirely different man looking shocked at himself: A hairy, slightly muscular Arab man with dark hair and eyes. The only similarity to Jake's old body is the fact that he sports a really large cock between his legs.

So, the story get's going! What is going on? Who is the red guy? And why is that Jake bloke talking to his cock? Well, at least the last question can be answered by reading the previous episode! Click here to read on to the next episode.

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[pinkeoni]

...but what was Will really saying in the van?

This a post a year after the fact, when post people have already said what needs to be said, but you know what!! This is my blog and I can say whatever I want.

Will talking about himself and using El as a guise is pretty obvious. The handful of people who say that it really was from El are few and far between. El doesn't gaf about DnD, she's not even in the painting, and she even told Mike herself that she didn't know what Will was making.

Whether or not Mike actually believed Will's lie is something that I'm personally on the fence about, but I'm not talking about him today! There are plenty of great Mike posts about this if you want a Mike analysis.

The cinematography supports this as well. At the start of the scene, Will is established on the left side of the frame, and Mike is on the right. When Will tells Mike that El commissioned the painting, we get a shot of the mirror where they swap places.

The switching of frame placement suggests that something is off, and mirrors in film can be used to show deception. The shot supports the idea that Will is not being fully truthful, which is backed up by what we already know. Each mirror shot is also prompted by a shot of Jonathan, suggesting that this is always from his point of view. We also know that he was able to see through Will's lie, so that supports this idea.

But we don't get the entire monologue from this angle, because really Will isn't entirely lying, he's just lying about whose feelings it really is.

It's no secret that the painting is an expression of Will's love for his friends, but also his romantic feelings for Mike. The positioning of the painting itself as a phallus (take a shot every time I've said "phallus" in a recent analysis) displays this in the visual language of the show along with the written one.

I think that gender and the use of pronouns is important here. Will states the entire monologue using "she" and "her" and places El in the place of himself. So what he's essentially saying "My sexuality is a wonderful thing that can bring both of us joy, but only if comes from a girl." In context Mike seems specifically anxious about El so Will is reassuring him from that angle, but it also stands that Will doesn't see his sexuality and feelings as good enough to cure an ailing Mike.

There was scriptgate and the infamous "I hate who I am" line which everyone remembers where they were for, but when the scripts were said to be fake, this line seemed to no longer hold any weight within the fandom and was widely disregarded. He loves himself, actually!

But legitimacy of the script aside, does this line still ring true? Even if it were real, a unspoken internal dialogue in an action line doesn't matter unless the show actually expresses it. So do they?

After all Will said it himself, "you make [me] feel like [I'm] not a mistake at all. Like [I'm] better for being different." So that must be how he feels, right? And yet—

—he doesn't really look like someone proud of his sexuality, does he?

I find the idea that Will doesn't suffer from any internalized homophobia rather absurd. It's definitely informed by external homophobia, but it would be different if Will fought back, but instead we see time and time again Will turning his pain inward. "Zombie Boy" leads to "It just makes me feel like more of a freak." and "It's not my fault you don't like girls" leads to the destruction of Castle Byers. I know that that line is informed by Mike's internal projection and might not be intended to be homophobic, although the statement still is homophobic despite intent. If Will knows he is gay and just heard that from his friend, of course he's going to take it that way. We see a little bit of Will standing up for himself, although this usually results in Will apologizing or not accepting apologies from others even when he deserves it. The bedroom scene in Dear Billy is a big step forward because not only does Mike apologize and assert that Will wasn't in the wrong, but Will actually listens.

It is true that Will accepts that he is gay and doesn't seem to fight it, although as others have pointed out, this doesn't necessarily mean that Will is necessarily proud of who he is. The van scene is just another example of Will taking that external pain and forcing it inward. There is likely to be consequences resulting from his lie that affects all three of them, but Will has decided to go a route that (he believes) will benefit Mike and El and only cause himself pain.

Look at this way. Let's say that Will hadn't lied about the painting being from El, that he was totally honest about the painting coming from him, but Mike didn't understand it as a romantic gesture. Not only would this not really make sense, and require Mike to be a level of oblivious on an absurd level, but it would also communicate something completely different. The new meaning would be this: Will is proud of his sexuality and able to take ownership of it, and the trouble comes from Mike not understanding. The conflict is now completely external.

I've seen debate on whether or not Mike really did understand what Will was saying although I think that's beside the point. If Mike did understand that Will was talking about himself, then this was not communicated to Will. The above scenario leads the conflict to be solely relieved by Mike finally understanding, and while there is surely to still be an external conflict between Will and Mike, Will's conflict of sexuality remains to be internal. Even if Mike did tell Will that he knew it was from him, this wouldn't necessarily solve Will's problem. The remedy to Will's internal conflict can only come from himself, by being able to proudly put his name to his painting.

[punsmaster69]

12/APR/20XX

i think that was my goal.

remember? the one i was mentionin' about twenty nine pages ago? i'd said something like...

"and when i achieve it?"

"...guess i'll finally close this book for good."

so, i'll count that to be my goal.

therapist agrees, so you can't get on me about that.

sharing inner thoughts was never something i'm great at. so much so that you might've forgotten that's what this was for.

can you believe that? s'posed to be a thought journal. daily mental-state evaluation.

ended up talking about my friends instead.

wasn't for me, i suppose.

...after some amount of pages, huh? geez.

[This calls attention to the fact that the book is much thicker than it was when it started. Seems instead of switching to another one, his journal just... gained pages.]

point is.

seems to me like a good place to stop things at.

i'll give you a final update, and we'll call it. alright?

——

breaking the news went as smoothly as if we'd entered the room and broke a vase on the floor instead. (undyne about did just that.)

the second calamity was when mettaton and my bro show up kinda late

holding hands.

turns out my bro is much more decisive than i am.

apparently it was mettaton first, then paps who decided after a few serious dates.

congrats to 'em.

been deflecting questions best i can all day from the announcements, so i was thankful my bro showing up like that took enough of the heat off me n' tori.

i...

can't stop smiling.

well- alright, that's a given.

but i mean this doofy grin i haven't kept up this long in ages.

i'm not even trying for this one.

all this talk about relationships, i think undyne's gotten excited. talking about marriage and all that. alphys has gone beet red.

grillby and the bar gave me a hell of a lot of pats on the back. i'd be bruised if i weren't bones.

if it wasn't that which would've bruised me, it definitely would have been the punch flowey gave me. the comment that earned me it?

"so..."

"this makes me your dad, right?"

he didn't take it well.

despite the petal-haver's apparent hatred... i think he's secretly glad that toriel's happy.

my bro sure took the news well.

granted, since he already thought me and her were dating, he just was happy for the public announcement.

"WAIT."

"DOES THIS MAKE ME AN UNCLE?!?"

"Are we gonna get another sibling??"

"WAIT, are we gonna get a SKELE-sibling?!?"

"whoa, slow down-"

"Frisk, NO??"

"Do not encourage this BONEHEAD to-"

"I think that is quite enough."

tori puts her foot down on that conversation.

living situations shouldn't change much for now, but maybe we'll figure out something else in the future. (staying with my bro. don't panic.)

concerns about my health have slowed down, as i've gotten more used to daily magic usage. noticed way less bad days recently, right? papyrus still insists on teaching me to use attacks better, so i've got that to look forward to. there might still be ups n' downs health-wise, but i'm confident in getting through 'em now.

paps is noticeably still somewhat anxious about it, fidgeting whenever everything is brought up. which is fair, but. still.

i'll get him a therapist like i've been seeing. an in-person one'll work better for him, i think.

not sure what else'll change, really. everything feels mostly the same.

other than (gasp) public handholding. (scandalous.) every time we're beside one another, tori's finding some form of physical contact.

that's different.

...in a good way.

right now, it looks like the aftermath of a wild party. friends knocked out in random spots; dangling half-off the couch or sprawled across the floor. i think frisk and i are the only ones still awake, since they wanted to put blankets on everyone.

"(Psst. Is one blanket enough?)"

they raise a large blanket in gesture with a questioning look.

i speak extra softly so i don't disturb toriel laying at my side, with her head on my shoulder and an arm across my torso; hand met with mine.

"(yep.)"

"(Kk.)"

frisk lays a blanket over me and tori. they stare contemplatively before speaking.

"....."

"Goodnight, Dad."

"...'night, kid."

welp.

guess that's it, huh?

....

i'm happy.

caring is nice.

———★

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐃

[ingravinoveritas]

Hello, lovely followers. I was traveling for work again in the second half of this past week, but I'm now home and looking forward to answering all of your Asks that I've been seeing in my inbox. I first wanted to reflect a little bit, however, because this trip was also a personal one for me.

This week's travels took me to Anaheim, California, which is where Disneyland is (I think I actually must've not been far from where David and Georgia just were, funnily enough, as my hotel was right by the park). It wasn't my first trip to Anaheim, though. The last time I was there was when I was 11 years old, on summer vacation with my dad in California while my mom was on a tour in Italy at the same time. As you'd expect, my dad wanted to take me to Disneyland...but I was too scared and overwhelmed, and we only ever got as far as the parking lot. The gates were visible, and I remember how they loomed, that feeling of something foreboding washing over me...but rather than excitement, my tiny body was filled with dread. I mentioned this while in conversation with one of the hotel employees during my stay, and he said, "What kind of kid doesn't want to go to Disney?"

What kind of a kid. Well, an autistic kid. A kid who was constantly anxious, emotional, and terrified of sensory overload. A kid who hated crowds and noise and rides. A kid who didn't travel well to begin with, because she was afraid of new places, anything unfamiliar, anything that wasn't safe and home.

A kid who was me.

Even before this, there were so many ways that the world had said "This is not for you." But still, there was something different about it happening there, in the bright California sunshine. My favorite Disney princess as a kid was always Belle, because she also loved to read and didn't fit in with the people around her. Belle connected more with books and animals than people, and that made me connect with her. But Belle was also beautiful (as Disney princesses tend to be), and thanks to the bullying from my peers, I was very aware that was something I was not. So no matter how much I wanted to be Belle, there was no way I could ever be a Disney princess.

This is not for you.

Thinking about all of this during my trip made me feel so many things, but I was most surprised to find myself feeling a sense of nostalgia in particular, a longing for the child I was, who I wish I could comfort. It also made me feel such sadness for that child and anyone else who finds themselves in a situation or a place where the world thinks they should be happy, but they're not. And there are few things more difficult than feeling that way in (of all places) "the happiest place on Earth."

I didn't end up going to Disney on this trip, even though I had a little bit of time to do so. It's still not for me, but the difference now is that I am okay with that. That need to be the kid who wants to visit Disney--the "good" child, the child who isn't "broken"--has gone away, and I'm more than happy being adult me, and finding a place that fits me, instead of the other way around.

And that was my nostalgia trip, in quite the literal sense of the phrase. I have a picture or two to share in another post, so stay tuned for that as well...