#qpr advice

[cheesemenace]

Does anyone have any advice for finding/getting into a queer-platonic relationship? Or just any advice related to the subject?

[smolldust]

OKAY SO

Me and my one friend (not my wife who divorced me, this is a different friend) started this long running bit where we aggressively flirt with each other. It was just a bit at first but we both enjoyed it.

ANYWAYS this started at the end of May but at a 4th of July party with my friends they were all telling me and this friend to just already get into a relationship cuz we were both single and lonely and desperate for a partner and we already had this flirting bit going so it made sense. We were both flustered and didn’t enter a relationship mainly cuz I wasn’t sure how I felt and they said they didn’t want to push me into anything cuz they knew I was aroace.

BUT now that I’ve been thinking about it I actually would really like to be in a qpr with them. We have a lot in common, we have similar interests, we bounce off of each other well, and we already aggressively flirt with each other so we’re already pretty comfortable around each other.

HOWEVER I don’t wanna ruin what we got goin on right now. I mean they HAVE said that they found me attractive but they also said they have a crush on someone else and I don’t wanna make things awkward.

Idk imma have to talk to my alloromantic friend (this friend and friend I wanna be in a qpr with are both ace so that’s all good) for advice and his opinions. Cuz right now my only plan of getting closer and flirting is asking them about their ocs

I’m kind of a disaster lmao

[dhwty-writes]

the mortifying ordeal of being loved by your friends

[our-aroace-experience]

Hello, I was wondering if I could ask for some advice. I am aroace and I am very close to one specific friend , who is aromantic. I would really like to ask them to be in a QPR with me but I don't know how. what do you think I should do? Thanks

you could always start by seeing if being in a qpr is something they’d even be interested in, maybe by asking if they know what it is and their general opinions on them. after that you could decide if asking them would be a good idea, hope this helps!

[bloggingboutburgers]

hi! I have a relationship question I hope you don't mind me asking, you're pretty much my go-to blog for stuff abt qprs 😭 how do you and your partner navigate conflicting emotional needs? for example physical affection and date-like activities, things that one of you really values and would want in order to feel supported but that are too far out of the other's comfort zone. ofc communication is always key, but once you communicate both of your needs where do you go from there? how do you two find ways to balance both of your needs where each of you feels supported and that your needs are being met in a way that doesn't compromise the other's boundaries? I'm sure this is a thing in even romantic relationships too but in my experience this is a little harder to navigate in a qpr, and it's something I'm struggling with atm, so I'm grateful for any advice and experiences you would be willing to share! 🙏

Sorry you're having trouble in that sense TwT I'm sure it's an issue that happens in a lot of types of relationships indeed, but it doesn't make it any less difficult!

To be honest though... I guess I'm lucky, because my QPP and I don't have that many issues in that sense, I don't think? Our needs and wants typically align pretty well, and if one of them IS too much for another's boundaries, we typically have no issue communicating honestly and moving on from it fine. Maybe it helps us that both of us (especially them) have had to be extra-aware of our respective families' wants and needs more than our own growing up, and we're very aware of that, so we want to give each other room to vibe the way we both want to? (I'll say though, I kinda sucked at that on our early years. I'd sometimes throw stupid tantrums and be an ass about such insignificant things, but I want to hurt them and put pressure on them less than anything, so I guess I've quietly strived to become better at it year after year... Maybe time and self-reflection over time just helps sometimes?)

That said... Yeah, it's not happened often that we've found things we weren't compatible on that left us at a dead end. And in some rare cases where we don't really know yet how things are gonna go if it comes to this or that, we have a bit of a "we'll figure it out when we get there" approach, I feel?

No idea if that's gonna keep on fine like that or if it'll bite us in the ass in the future, but to be honest, the only way we'll find out is to go ahead and see. And so far so good. I guess that's the way I see it anyway? But... Yeah I'm definitely one of the lucky ones I feel TwT Even though I'm always afraid of doing things that hurt my partner without realizing and letting that sit for years... I try to take measures so I never do, and so, if anything IS going badly, I don't fail to notice it. Don't wanna make the same mistakes my parents did and stuff.

...Ofc that's just my view on that, my partner @civiart might have a totally different response to this so I'll let them correct/complete if they feel it's needed TwT But I hope I'm doing our case justice!

[twinklerei]

Guys I need help asap, my queerplatonic partner, best friend, companion (or whatever you like to call it, we dont really use any type of labels) is asexual and gay, he is currently in a relationship with his boyfriend, his boyfriend knows we are really close, but like he doesnt know about everything we do and how deep our relationship is, and Im kinda feeling uncomfortable with him and idk what to do.

So of any person here has a qpr with someone with a romantic partner or has any kind of tips to give me please drop them 🙏

Edit: He and his boyfriend have been toguether only for one month and a half, me and my qpr have know each other for 8 years, if this info helps yall.

[lavendertarot]

Here's my art for the @milgram-valentines-exchange! My giftee was @gravityidol I hope you like it!

[ace-aro-queerplatonic-positivity]

I hate to do this, but I was advised to seek help before spiraling.

My boyfriend of 2 years came out as aroace to me and claims he wants to stay queerplatonic with me, but I've always been an "all or nothing" allo girl and don't feel comfortable at the thought of being qp.

But I don't want to:

1. Let him go, because he said that he doesn't want us to change. He said he just can't promise a future with me.

2. Come off as aphobic, or worst, BE queerplatonic-phobic.

3. Jump to drastic conclusions when I've never been in a qp relationship before.

So, I'm reaching out to ask: What do I do? Should I give up and part ways, or should I give qpr a shot? If I go with the latter, how do qprs work? How do I live in one? How do I love an aroace?

Okay, so first thing’s first: you have no need to be scared or apologise. Not to me and not ever for seeking advice from the community. That’s why the community is here. And you want to learn so you’re not aphobic or queerplatonicphobic. Aromantic relationships can be intimidating and it’s okay to be unsure. You’re not a bad person or aphobic.

First rule about queerplatonic relationships: it’s whatever the people in it want it to be. Alloromantic people can and do have QPRs. What is important is that the both of you can agree on the type of relationship you want to have, the dynamic you want to maintain with each other. A queerplatonic relationship can be whatever the people in it want it to be, doesn’t matter what it looks like to the outside world. The relationship is yours and it’s for the two of you.

With that said, if you truly can not find it in yourself to become comfortable with this shift in your relationship– no, I’ll need to interrupt myself here

Your partner coming out as aroace does not have to change anything. Like, I should’ve lead with that. Your partner coming out as aroace and wanting a queerplatonic relationship does – at face value – not require any changes besides taking what you have now and calling it queerplatonic. Slap the new label on and you’re good to go.

Okay, now, I don’t want to assume whether he might want other changes about your dynamic. If he doesn’t, you need to figure out if you’re comfortable with the new label or if that already is a hiccup. You’re continuing your relationship as is and just call it by a different name. A rose by any other name, etc etc.

Now, if you truly can not find it in yourself to be comfortable with this… let him go.

I’m kinda bad with relationship advice and already feel like I’m rambling but you reached out to me and I want to do a good job. So maybe tackling your 3rd point is the most pressing thing. Maybe you can research and learn more about what a QPR can be (e.g. that it can – among other things – be literally the exact same relationship you’re already having just called differently).

I know it sounds intimidating and “queerplatonic” is a big word and “platonic” usually forces a certain perspective. But it’s just a different coat of paint on the same thing you’ve enjoyed with him thus far. Promise.

Hell, I was okay with my ex-partners continuing to call it a romantic relationship because I felt it was on me that I couldn’t communicate clearly to them.

That’s the other big thing. Big Thing: COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Doesn’t matter romantic, queerplatonic, amical, sexual, alterous. Any relationship requires clear and open and honest communication! Ask him directly what he expects from you. Then think about that. Then tell him what you expect. Does that still match? Great. Done.

But keep your relationship a continuous dialogue. You can not be partners (romantic or queerplatonic) if you don’t communicate your needs and wants.

This is also the “how do I love an aroace”, you’ll need to ask him. Because no two aroace folks are the same. It’s probably weird but rephrase your own question: “How do I love [him]?” And either you can answer that or you need to sit down and talk to him about it anyway. As for the “he can’t promise a future”, yeah, well, could he before coming out? Not to be rude but people change, life changes, none of us really knows what tomorrow holds and while commitment is great it’s hard to promise things with certainty.

I sincerely hope I could help and lessen your worry.

Thank you for reaching out, although I hope you didn’t ask only me and i’ll accordingly tag a few blogs @aroacepositivityplace @aroace-people-are-lgtbq @simplyqueerplatonic @queerplatonicpositivity @no-thx-im-aroace

Folks, these tags are NOT a “tumblr wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope” but I am just one guy and my opinion is obviously biased so I want to help this anon best I can by bringing other people’s opinions in. So please do reboot this to give anon some nuanced opinions.

[leavethefrog]

Help please

So im in a QPR and im realizing i might be developing more romantic feelings for this person. Im not really sure on how to tell them because i dont want to ruin our relationship, but i also want to be honest because they deserve to know. if anyone in the queer community has any advice, please let me know because i am so lost. T-T

[hey-zagman]

I’m having trouble finding a community of polyamorous folks in long-term, monogamous relationships. Since I joined tumblr I’ve found a wide array of folks sharing their experiences and feelings, but no one who is or has been in the same boat as me. There’s such a variety of experiences among the poly, aroace and relationship anarchy tags that I’m hoping someone here might be able to point me towards some tags or similar resources that might align with my experiences.

[triptychofvoids]

Hey doc i dont really know how else to find the information about this other than..well you since you know a bit about QPR's and all, so the other day I found out my queer platonic partner, also has another partner they never told me about and I dont know what to think this of? i havent really said anything about it to them cuz i really dont want to make them feel quilty but is it classified as cheating?? like i told my friends about it and they said it is but i dont know/gen

it depends on the context of what you two have agreed upon for your relationship! qprs can also be polyamorous and its not completely unheard of for someone who is in a qpr to have or want another relationship alongside it that isnt queerplatonic in nature. however, because a qpr is still a committed relationship, if your partner is having another relationship behind your back without your knowledge and it breaks the rules of your relationship, then i would consider that to be cheating.... of course its up to you to decide if you are upset about it or not, if that is okay for your relationship or not, etc, but i would recommend you talk to your partner about it. its unfair of them to go behind your back like that regardless.

[stormbreaker-290]

Hhhjshsjd??

[our-polyamorous-experience]

Hello! I was just wondering if it’s okay to be a poly QPR?

absolutely dude you can be in whatever kind of relationships you want. anyone tryna tell you you cant put certain labels to a relationship is dumb and doesnt matter. you can be poly and in a QPR just the same as monogamous ppl can have QPRs

its all just random words we put together in a feeble attempt to define our existence, no need to adhere to arbitrary definitions if doing so doesnt make you feel happy and fulfilled

[qprconcepts]

How does this queerplatonic thing work, does a queer relationship with aromantic type involve kisses or something else?

i am aroace

First, Sorry I am so late to this!!!!

Second, Queer platonic relationships are relationships that two people enter that do not conform or constitute an entirely romantic or platonic relationship.

queer platonic relationships have and always will be defined by the people in the relationship like every other type of relationship. Only you and your partners can define what you will and will not do in your relationship. Some queerplatonics kiss, while others do not. It depends on you and your partner(s). For some reference me and my queerplatonic partners do not kiss, it’s what we’re comfortable with.

below are some resources that might be worth checking out!!!

!!!!

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….

I also encourage any other aromantic/asexual spec people to leave any advice they have <3

[etherealspacejelly]

i have a queerplatonic crush on someone and i'm considering telling her but i don't know what to do if she reciprocates the feeling. obviously every qpr is different but i was wondering if you had advice on what a discussion about a queerplatonic relationship should include because you're in one

for me and binya, our queerplatonic relationship is basically a committed friendship. we call each other "boyfriend" but we dont kiss, have sex, go on dates, or anything else that a traditional romantic or sexual couple would do.

the only things that a qpr "should" include is the same stuff that all interpersonal relationships should: communication, trust, and boundaries. the rest is up to you and your partner!

when forming a qpr with someone, you just have to have a conversation about what you would both want out of it. would you want to live together? would you want to share a bed or have separate rooms? what level of physical affection are you both comfortable with? do either of you want kids or pets in the future? what terms are you both comfortable with using (e.g. boy/girl/joyfriend, partner, significant other, zucchini, etc.)? how will you refer to/describe your relationship to outside parties e.g. family (i.e. if your mum asks, are you guys best friends, partners, or would she understand what a platonic relationship is)?

and make sure to keep communicating throughout the relationship!!! it is ok to change your mind or realise that actually you dont like something as much as you thought you did, or you want something that previously you thought you didnt. but dont expect your partner to just read your mind about these things. (binya and i are always trying to improve on this. its not easy!! but its hella important)

a qpr can be anything you need/want it to be. you can pick and choose all the things you enjoy from traditional friendships, romantic relationships, and sexual partnerships, and ignore the rest. and You define what each of those things mean for you and your partner. do you want to have sex platonically? go for it. do you want to kiss platonically? that is entirely your business. no one can tell you how your relationship should work. that is between you and your partner only.

hope this helps! :)

(p.s. i think i may have initially misinterpreted your question. i see now that you asked what a qpr *discussion* should include, not what a qpr should include, but since i technically answered your actual question anyway, ill just leave the rest in because it might help someone else!)

[thethiefandtheairbender]

hey random aspec writing question: how would you suggest developing a QPR between two characters with different dating histories and general standings on the spectrum?

for specific context character A is more familiar with their alignment with the demisexual/demiromantic lables while character B is only beginning to question their asexuality and realize that what they want in their relationship with A is different than their previous (failed) romantic relationships.

my question is really just asking for any advice on how you might make those conversations happen without being confusing or perhaps unsatisfying to a larger relationship arc. (and i'm asking as someone with absolutely 0 relationship experience of any kind and is still learning about QPRs in general)

You are in luck because not only am I in a long standing QPR, a few years ago I actually wrote an article all about what a QPR is (or can be) and how beautifully fluid the term can be.

The first thing to ask yourself, therefore, is what this QPR means and looks like for the characters choosing to be in it. Does it mean living apart but prioritizing spending time together as partners weekly, monthly, etc? Does it mean raising kids or living together? Is there going to be a physical or exclusive element to the relationship? Etc.

For example, for my QPR, we both do feel some romantic attraction to each other as we're both on the aromantic spectrum, but for me it's particularly sparse (I'm alterous) and my partner is demiromantic, but the relationship is primarily based on emotional compatibility and friendship, with the romantic fuzzies just being like tiny sprinkles on top that we can easily do without. The life partnership element and the romantic element are two distinct different things that are overlapping, but the former is 100% more important than the latter. With that all said, someone else's QPR might work very differently and include raising children but not living together, for example.

The fact of the matter is also that in practice / the outside, there's not much that makes various kinds of QPRs different than a more traditional relationship; it's the interior feeling of the relationship that is different. None of this is to say that a QPR can never be toxic or anything — people are naturally messy and unintentionally bring unhealthy patterns into all dynamics, and any dynamic has the potential for that mess — but I will say that QPRs tend to have some advantages over more traditional romantic relationships.

Because a queerplatonic relationship is normally formed out of emotional compatibility, there's less of an uphill climb to get to those healthier places, rather than chasing attraction and then having to create emotional compatibility and intimacy from there. This might be different if you're 'blind dating' platonically, but most QPRs I've seen are typically formed after years of friendship / friendship in general ahead of time

There tends to be better communication and subsequently less insecurity

Less pressure! While it can be lonely and/or scary to realize you have to create your own relationship model, it can also be really liberating to realize you fully make the rules and can change or toss out whatever parts of more traditional romantic bonds you didn't want or don't want anymore

For your character who's questioning, a lot of what helped me on my journey as an aspec person was being able to compare how I was feeling to the experiences of other out, aspec people, and going "Huh, this kinda matches up??" + talking more frankly with allo (non aspec people) people and realizing our experiences very much did not match up. So Character B having a comparison basis naturally in Character A, and likely some curiosity just as friends (and then maybe for their own self actualization / searching) is a good basis to build from! If it's set in modern day your character also doing research online or elsewhere (maybe your fantasy world is very chill and cool idk) is also an option.

For concrete examples, I have four main recommendations:

For how to write those conversations and what they might look like, as well as what a QPR may look like between people with slightly differing sexualities, I'd really recommend Alice Oseman's book "Loveless" about a first year student realizing her aroaceness. It's very well done, it resonated me a lot as a sex repulsed ace person in particular, and the QPR in the book is very sweet. "Let's Talk About Love" by Claire Kann also features an asexual biromantic character navigating beginning a relationship with someone who is not likewise asexual and has some good conversations about physical intimacy.

Outside the realm of fiction, Ace Dad Advice on Youtube covers a lot of various subjects for ace, aro, and aspec people, including what different relationships, dynamics, and conversations may look like along a variety of spectrums.

When it comes to TV I have two other recommendations:

"Koisenu Futari" (The Two Who Don't Fall in Love) is a Japanese tv show about a man and a woman who become platonic life partners, and it's about their lives as well as being aroace. I have not watched it myself but it seems like a very heartfelt, meaningful depiction and I know it's resonated with a lot of aspec people

Other TV shows such as Good Omens and The Dragon Prince, while having relationships between the two leads be indeed romantic, are also aspec / QPR-esque as hell, in my opinion. Good Omens has a 6,000 year slowburn, bless their souls, but I'll speak more to TDP, since that's what I'm familiar with.

In the first 3 seasons of the show, elven assassin Rayla and human prince Callum go from being enemies to unlikely allies and fast friends and eventually, best friends who are also in a romantic relationship. Before anything else though, they are partners first and foremost, with that part of their bond being highlighted just as much if not more than their romantic angle. From S2 onwards they very clearly see each other as family, and the bond only grows deeper from there. Even once they get together, they still routinely refer to one another as a friend (not a romantic partner) and it's never treated as lesser.

However, I think the biggest QPR vibes happen for them in S4 and S5 (the show is still ongoing) as, after a timeskip during which Rayla left to undertake a dangerous mission alone, upon her return things are... well let's just say Callum has a lot of big feelings about not knowing if she was alive for two years.

But despite the fact they don't totally know what they are anymore, precisely, their unconditional love for each other is apparent in every episode. In spite of his anger, Callum keeps his temper in check, lets her stay, and steps in to help her when she needs support / reassurance without question; in spite of his cold shoulder, Rayla is patient and understanding (if disappointed) and gradually learns more to let him actually help her more with her burdens and issues.

While there's still a romantic undercurrent, the show repeatedly makes it clear that their strong bond and love for each other is not dependent on romantic feelings being acted upon and returned. When Rayla thinks she's been romantically rejected in S3, although Callum is a little awkward, they immediately go back to helping and trusting each other and being a team same as always even before Callum clears up the confusion, doing whatever they can to make sure the person is okay and comfortable.

Even into their continued limbo into S5, they're out here saying shit like "I trust her, unconditionally," "I know that I trust you to help me carry this," "But not everything's changed: I would do anything for you," defending each other from bloodthirsty pirates, and treating one another as family.

And I think that's a core of a QPR, to me. It's "I'm always in your corner, I'll always save you a seat, you are not alone in the world, I am right here with you holding your hand. Build a world with me. An oasis with me. I will be here, always, in whatever way you want me to be." And I think they exemplify that beautifully

That said if you have any follow up questions or want to DM me, absolutely feel free! I'm always happy to talk about this sort of stuff