#put some butter and honey on that bitch.

[lazywitchling]

When I find myself in times of trouble, Kirbie Cravings comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: 2 ingredient microwave bread.

[ashersbraincell]

Gonna try starting a tag game!

Share your weird eating/drinking habits-I’ll start!

My favourite tea is not really tea at all, you see, I get your casual lemon flavoured tea and I put a whole tablespoon of honey in. ATP I just like drinking diluted honey

Oh and I also spread things onto bread using spoons instead of butter knives >:3

@youtry2replaceurself @just-some-random-anxious-bitch @starite-wishes @calverkeys @niemoc-niemoc @quamaii @lockinglooms1028 @pankakeperformer @arsonarena @happypot0001 @boxxie-does-art @nyxzn @theshakespearetrash @sailingseals @orange-theory-thinker8 @emilightniing @v0idcookies @dehydratedfluid @arcarerus @22bananapudding

[razorblade180]

Sunny Side

Whitley:Ruby. Wake up. *shakes her*

Ruby:Mmm, where’s the fire? It’s like five in the morning.

Whitley:It’s strawberry season in Patch.

Ruby:I am aware….

Whitley:Let’s gets some fresh fruit in breakfast. You can sleep on the airship.

Ruby:Okay- wha?

[The airship]

Ruby, half awake:….*looks to the right*

Winter: *listening to music*

Sparrow:I bet I can fly this.

Penny:Sir, please sit down. I already have a co-pilot.

Oscar:That is- he is a literal retired soldier.

Jaune and Weiss:*reading*

Nick and Summer:Zzzz

Ruby:Uncle Qrow?

Qrow:*playing cards* Yeah?

Ruby:We married rich.

Qrow:Is that sinking in now?

Ruby:Little bit.

Nora:And we’re reaping the benefits.

Ren:Whitley just didn’t want to feel your anger about a breakfast trip.

Valerie:*writing* I’m not complaining. My book report wasn’t finished.

Ruby:…Baaaaabe?

Whitley:What’s up sleepyhead.

Ruby:Can we make a detour?

xxxxxxx

Bzzz bzzz b-

Yang:*grabs scroll* Uuuuggh. Where’s the fire?

Ruby:Look outside bitch.

Yang rolls out of bed and practically crawls to her window where Blake is staring to see a fancy airship hovering near her house.

Ruby:Grab your pants, wife, and child. We’re gonna make mom’s pancakes.

Yang:….Sure.

xxxxxx

Whitley:Welcome to the breakfast express.

Yang:You need less money.

Blake:I bought some honey, syrup, and spices my mom made.

Whitley:This is why you’re my favorite member.

Ruby and Weiss:Wow that’s craaazy.

Veronica casually walks on board in her pjs and heads straight towards the twins without a second thought. She picks up a sleepy Summer that leans on her brother and moves her one seat down, then sits down. She tugs Summer so she falls back in place, offering her own right arm as a substitute while resting her head on Nick before promptly going back to sleep.

Yang:…At least she was nice about it.

xxxxxx

Knock Knock Knock

Tai:*opens door* ….Strawberry picking?

Yang and Ruby:Hehe, yeah.

Tai:I’ll go grab your old baskets.

xxxxxxx

Nick was used to the rich life, but even had to admit it was pretty surreal to be at home in the cold one moment, then woken up a few hours later to put on a sunhat and pick some berries. Everyone this morning was just…cool with it. This was life right now. Singing early birds and strawberry baskets.

Nick:Wasn’t there school today?

Summer:Don’t be lame and keep picking. Gods it smells nice out here. I’m a little jealous we don’t come here more often.

Valerie:The sun has barely risen and yet it’s so warm.

Veronica:Country air smells different from the sea or city life. I visit Gramps occasionally and even I’m not used to it. It’s pretty jarring.

Summer:Kinda like waking up in a different plane seat.

Veronica:If that’s what you want to compare it too.

Summer:Don’t sweep that under the rug!!!

xxxxx

Ruby:Pancakes 🎶

Yang:Whoop whoop🎶

Weiss:Pancakes 🎶

Winter.Whoop Whoop🎶

Nora:Pancakes pancakes pancakes pancakes🎶

Ren:Buttermilk, Strawberry, shortcake, or tall!🎶

Jaune:You already know I’m eating them all!🎶

Qrow :Crack a few eggs and hash a few browns!🎶

Tai:Put em on my plate and I’m gonna chow down!🎶

Penny:Grab a plate and some friends to tag along…🎶

Everyone:Took making cooking fun with the breakfast song!🎶

All the kids slowly set the table as they watched the grown ups cut up fruit, flip pancakes, pour drinks, and butter pans.

Veronica:You’re not gonna sing?

Blake:There are enough people in that kitchen.

Oscar:Yeah satisfied fixing chairs.

Whitley:*sitting* Zzzz

Sparrow:This guy planned everything and now decides to sleep!? *pokes face*

Ruby:Leave him alone!

Sparrow:Did she even turn around?

Oscar:Did she really need to with you?

xxxxxx

It took about half an hour before the smell of breakfast was rich enough to wake Whitley just in time. Now it was his who was wide awake as she happily carried trays in hand alongside Yang, Weiss, and Penny; they happily danced side to side in messy aprons as they put food on the table for everyone. Nora would’ve joined if she could be trusted, and Winter was happily on Nora restraint duty.

Stacks of strawberry pancakes in the shape of roses and buttermilk pancakes in the form of the sun were presented with hash browns, eggs, sausage, biscuits, ham, the whole spread and additional goodies for everyone to eat. They took their seat and looked at Whitley as if he wanted to make some grand speech.

Whitley:*smiles* You waiting for an invitation? *raises glass* To a good day.

Everyone:To a good day!

Not a moment was wasted passing around plates. Whitley went to grab a fork when his empty plate was suddenly replaced with a full breakfast by Ruby. The lady quickly cut a piece of the pancake drizzled in cinnamon syrup and raised to his face to make him blush.

Ruby:Thank you for the trip. Now say aaah~

Whitley:I-In front of everyone?

Ruby:Don’t be shy now. It’s just for the first bite. It’s tradition here. Then you give me a bite.

Qrow:If your sister can do it, you can too.

Winter:*chews shamefully*

They look at Weiss to see her eat off of Jaune’s fork without hesitation. She even opens her mouth again to receive another bite before giggling. Meanwhile the likes of Penny, Nora, and Blake, treated this like an everyday occurrence. With a display like that, Whitley had no choice but to summon the courage to say “aah” and get fed a bite.

Ruby:How is it!?

Whitley:…I can go for another.

[thebiggerbear]

"I hate you." "You have a weird way of showing that." - Beau Arlen Prompt Response

Summary: He put you with Hoyt and Tonya. For the day. What the hell had he been thinking?

A/N: Prompt from @creativepromptsforwriting (#941). I couldn't resist. I love Beau so much.

Thank you to my beta @rieleatiel for her services. You rock, girl!

Pairing: Beau Arlen x Female!Reader; Beau Arlen x Female!DeputySheriff!Reader

Warnings: sex (smut-light); implied sex; mention of violence; mention of injury

Word Count: 2486

Taglist: @avada-kedavra-bitch-187

Beau Taglist: @heartlessdelusions; @nancymcl

Jensen Taglist: @samanddeaninatrenchcoat

You can also read on AO3

"I hate you." "You have a weird way of showing that."

Soldier Boy version ✨ Dean version ✨ Jenny version ✨ Jason version ✨ Tom version ✨ CJ version ✨ Rachel version ✨ Anael version ✨ SDV Leah version ✨ Alec version

You made your way past everyone in the station, intent on one office in particular.

“Oh, hey, Y/N,” Poppernak greeted you with a grin. His smile slowly faded as he took in your expression. “Everything okay?”

“Just dandy,” you spat, surging past him. His eyes widened and he quickly got out of your way. If you were pissed and heading where it looked like you were heading, then he knew the best thing to do was to stay out of your way and possibly duck for cover. He hoped that when all was said and done that the office was still standing… as well as its sheriff.

You stormed into Beau’s office and slammed the door behind you. The man in question, who was on the phone, frowned and turned to see you standing in place, fuming. You were pretty sure he could see steam coming out of your ears from the bugging of his eyes and his hurry to get off the call he was on.

“Gotta run, Jas. Get back to me as soon as you have something. Thanks.” He quickly hung up the phone.

“Who’s Jas?” You seethed as he studied you, most likely determining how to respond.

Apparently choosing to try to butter you up, he gave you a bright smile. “Jas — Jasmine from Tech. You know that, honey, you’ve met her.”

You snorted and slowly approached his desk. “Don’t you honey me, Arlen.”

“Why?” He chuckled nervously, a response he had when he was anxious or becoming so. If you were using his last name, you were definitely pissed. “What’s wrong, darlin’?” Beau saw your eyes flash and he knew he had said the wrong thing. Oh boy.

“What’s wrong?” You asked in disbelief. “What’s wrong?!”

He knew better than to say anything else, especially since you were repeating his words in a rhetorical-yet-sarcastic manner. Besides, he knew you were going to tell him whether he wanted to hear it or not.

“What’s wrong is you sent me out with Hoyt all day.”

Beau relaxed a little, thinking maybe it had been something worse: a forgotten birthday, or maybe he was supposed to have done something you asked him to do but he didn’t — that kind of thing. “I did, but what’s wrong with that? You two have been getting along better these days and you work great together.” Your eyes narrowed and Beau realized he was in for a world of shit. He had tried to be complimentary and positive, but apparently that was the wrong way to go.

“What’s wrong is that you sent me out with her for the day. With Tonya.”

Beau briefly closed his eyes. He should have known this would come back to bite him in the ass. The truth was he had been caught off guard himself and had to quickly scramble to make it work. 

Seeing him hang his head, you hissed, “Yeah, exactly.”

Tonya and Donno, for some reason, had not moved on after everything that happened with Paige and the 15 million. All of you knew that the two had most likely gotten what they sought after; why they remained in town instead of taking off to some tropical paradise that catered to those wishing to remain anonymous was a mystery. You happened to think Tonya had something else up her sleeve, but like Beau had said: unless there was evidence of some kind of crime happening, there was nothing that could be done. You also thought that Beau and Hoyt were both purposely looking in other directions when it came to Tonya and Donno because the latter two had helped them in dire situations involving their family members. You didn’t really care about Tonya or Donno, but from what your friends had told you, both had put the group through the wringer — and often, at that. You had no desire to see that happen again so you’d rather see them skip town altogether instead of sticking around to further scheme things that could end up getting your friends hurt in some way.

Unfortunately, Tonya had risen in the ranks of realty; she was now one of Helena’s most sought after real estate agents, so much so that she had become friendly with the mayor and even began rubbing shoulders with some county officials. For some strange reason, out of the blue, Tonya decided she wanted to do a ridealong with law enforcement — your department specifically, today of all days. Beau, in a spur of the moment, decided to spare Pops and the rest of his department as well as himself, so naturally, you got saddled with that duty as did Hoyt. You knew Hoyt and Tonya didn’t get along, yet you had no idea just how much the two women hated one another. You basically spent the whole day keeping Hoyt from arresting the woman on some trumped up charge, keeping Hoyt from her own would-be assault charge, and endured hours upon hours of bickering. Tonya constantly — and loudly — questioned the two of you as you did your job, in front of perps, bystanders, and witnesses alike. She even told a suspect you were handcuffing — with a wink — that she knew a good lawyer who also happened to specialize in police brutality. The man decided to go all Mike Tyson and had knocked Hoyt down with a punch and tried to take a swing at you, forcing you to outmaneuver him and slam him onto the hood of your car to swiftly get his arms behind his back and regain control of the situation. But according to her, you were using brutality with him. Sure. You may have snapped out that she should get her ass back in the car before she’d join him, causing a smug smirk to form on the woman’s face. “I’ll get you that number,” she told the man, and then slinked back into the car. You grit your teeth and handed the suspect over to a deputy, going to check on Hoyt who was back on her feet, prodding at a bloody cut on her lip.  

Tonya had been a grade-A pain in the ass all day and she seemed to get off on irking both of you, Hoyt especially. And not once did Beau ever give you a heads-up on just what you would be facing after willfully sacrificing you and throwing you into the mess without a second of hesitation. For someone who used to be your partner back in the day, he sure hadn’t acted like one today. How could you not be pissed? 

Hoyt wasn’t happy with Beau either, but she was currently getting looked at by a doctor due to your insistence. Cassie had met you both at a walk-in clinic and she was waiting to drive Hoyt back once the blonde got the all-clear. Tonya had scampered off the minute you put your car in park, chirping how much she enjoyed today and thanking you for showing her how Lewis & Clark County’s finest did for their county day to day. Before you could retort, she was gone and you knew she definitely had something in the works that was not going to bode well for any of you in the long run. However, at that moment, you were so pissed you could barely see straight and you only had one destination in mind: Beau’s office. So here you were, infuriated and ready to send heads rolling. How could he do that? To you of all people? 

Beau sighed and got to his feet, rounding his desk to sit on the edge. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting that today and when she requested Hoyt… I could’ve sent Pop, but I didn’t think he’d be able to shut any crap down as quickly as you would. That’s why I sent you with them. But, I should’ve been the one to go, not you, and I’m sorry.”

“Yes, you should’ve been,” you hissed, crossing your arms.

He nodded and, after a moment, he reached out a hand.

You snorted in disbelief. “Really?”

Beau didn’t say anything, only moved his hand in a come hither motion, holding it out for you to take.

You let out an angry sigh and rolled your eyes, but moved forward to place your hand in his nonetheless. He pulled you to him, framed your face with his hands, and softly kissed you. You refused to kiss him back but ultimately, like always, you lost the battle and gave in, gently grasping one of his wrists as you did. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered to your lips.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

“I promise.” He kissed you once more and you began to relax and melt into him, even going so far as to wrap your arms around his neck and slot your mouth against his more insistently. He released your face and circled his arms around your waist, picking you up so he could place you on his lap, your knees bracketing his hips as you straddled him. You could feel the tell-tale bulge pressing against you. You could definitely use some stress relief after the day you had, yet still —

“I’m still mad at you,” you panted harshly as he pressed kisses down your jaw line, his hands roaming insistently on your lower back. You weren’t surprised when a moment later they traveled further south and squeezed while he moved you back and forth over his growing arousal.

“As you should be,” he murmured, trailing his lips down your neck. “Matter of fact, I think you should show me how mad. Right here, right now.” Your eyes rolled into the back of your head as he began to suck on that spot right below your ear, the spot he knew drove you crazy. 

“I hate you,” you moaned, beginning to grind against him more insistently.

“You have a weird way of showing that, darlin’,” he chuckled, one hand on your hip now to help your movements. He bit his lip watching you grind on him and he let out a throaty groan. “Fuck, I ever tell you how much I love it when you get all riled up like this and you need to get it out of your system? Because I do. Hell, maybe I oughta do something that pisses you off every so often so you can— �� 

“Shut up,” you growled and covered his mouth with yours, plunging your tongue deep inside to taste him and effectively shut him up. You were practically riding him on his desk and he was doing everything he could to hold onto you while keeping upright. At one point, you got so turned on, you broke away and began unbuckling his belt, desperate to get inside his jeans. 

“Door’s not locked,” he panted out though he didn’t move to stop you. 

“Don’t care.” Normally, you would have cared, but the infuriating bastard was right: you had all the pent up anger and frustration from today coursing through your system. You needed to get it out, now. You yanked his belt through his belt loops and tossed it to the floor. “And just so we’re clear,” you unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, reaching inside and grabbing him, making him hiss when you gave him a couple of pumps with your hand. “We are not done talking about this.” You got to your feet and quickly whipped off your jacket and shirt, leaving you in only your lacy bra. You stripped down and then gently pulled him out of his jeans. You climbed back up and stared down into those fierce green eyes that were currently blown wide with lust. Despite mentioning it, he didn’t seem too bothered by the unlocked door either. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you hoped Poppernak and Madge didn’t walk in on something they couldn’t unsee because you highly doubted either of you would stop. You were both too worked up, especially you, and you were the one in control. Nothing short of a natural disaster or act of God would keep you from working the tension out of your body. Your phone buzzed on the floor, most likely a text from Cassie to let you know she was bringing Hoyt back to the station. Besides, you had a feeling that Pops witnessing your fury earlier and all of them out there hearing the never before slammed door, they most likely knew they should probably knock first before entering the Sheriff’s office. 

“Now, we have exactly twenty-five minutes, thirty if we’re lucky, before Hoyt gets here to rip you a new one herself. Think you can manage to make it up to me and have me all relaxed by then, cowboy?” You challenged.

His answer was to line himself up with you and push into you, making you gasp as his other hand gently pulled your hip down so you would sink fully onto him. You both groaned at the feeling and he gave you his own challenging smirk. “I think you better start moving,” he growled. “Because if she’s going to kill me, I intend to die a happy man. Which means I’m going to be buried deep in you, sweetheart, with you making a mess all over me for the fourth time.”

“Four? That’s super ambitious,” you teased. You began to move and pressed your lips together, balancing your hands on his clothed chest. “Don’t worry, baby. I won’t let her kill you. I love this way too much… And you.”

The fire in his eyes dimmed slightly and he suddenly shot up, making you adjust a little to stay on him, and he cupped your chin. “I love you, too, and darlin’...I am sorry.” You knew he was, you could hear it in his voice and see it deep in his green gaze. You gave him a soft nod and a tender smile, pecking his lips — one final sweet moment —before you pushed him back down onto the now cleared desk and resumed your position once more. He let out a chuckle at the devious smirk plastered on your lips.

“You will be,” you promised in a tease. You then went about working your frustrations out, Beau keeping to his prediction of getting you to a point that you were very relaxed (and mostly dressed albeit in need of a serious shower) by the time Hoyt stormed into his office. And just as you had promised, you made sure he survived Hurricane Hoyt and you even let him drive you home, his hand on your thigh most of the ride. You were pretty confident that he wouldn’t be making the mistake of throwing you to the wolves again anytime soon but you ended up enticing him to pull over into a discreet area to serve up a reminder once more just in case.

dividers by @firefly-graphics

[gortashs-skidmark]

Enver Gortash HEADCANONS

NSFW at the bottom, below the ()()()

+18 MDNI SEXUAL CONTENT

CONTENT WARNING: relationship headcanons, arranged marriage in some, manipulation, established relationship.

*Orange means that particular sentence/piece is CANON but the rest is a headcanon.

ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅

Gortash definitely doesn’t mind being a shit bag. But I think if he took a partner, he would just be manipulative emotionally but not physical. Like he chose a partnership and you just have to put up with some dumb fucking consequences of being in love, that's just how it is. I don’t think he’d shower you in gifts if he loved you but when he gave you something to cherish, it’d be personal, solemn, beautiful. Like him.

If it was arranged, he wouldn’t bat an eye, status is status. He’d only see you as an arm piece. He’d take you to dinner occasionally to check up on you. He would shower you in gifts at the wedding ceremony. For show of course, so your family, friends, patrons, and acquaintances knew you were in cushy hands.

I think Enver’s hands would always been warm. They’re calloused, warm, thicker, comforting when they held your face or braced your thighs. You would put lotion on his hands every night before bed because, you know, you care about him.

He is the man to take the same soap bar he uses on his body for his face, but this is medieval so him washing his face is high maintenance, comparatively. You only suggest he use rose water after he shaves as not to leave irritating skin patches. It makes him smell very sweet.

You are as soft as butter and he is a large man with a delicate hobby like baking, figuratively. His brutish in personality, is shrouded in fancy clothes and ugly ass shoes. But he can talk as calmly as a lake, and comfort you with honeyed words. You are capable of finding solace in him sometimes, if he lets you unburden yourself.

If it’s an arranged marriage, he will listen to your sorrows and complaints when he has time. Other times he’ll say “my dearest, I have not the time for your tears today.” Which breaks your heart. He's yours potentially forever, and he won't carry your burdens like you attempt to with his.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

NSFW HEADCANONS

He gives me very much the same energy as Raphael. Complete bottom. Probably not that good at fucking but he’s got some girth. Girth matters more than length, pls be honest with yourselves.

Not usually on top unless he’s teasing you a lot beforehand. He fucks loud too, verbally and from your bodies crashing over and over against each other.

Like Raphael has Harleep bc he’s a narcissist and they’re sent there by Mephestopheles to distract him. Gortash has you because you’re capable and seen as an equal. Whether you’re the nicest person on earth or the crudest bitch. If you can swindle like him, he sees something beautiful in that.

I think he’s loud and unapologetic during sex. He knows what he wants too and can voice is. He’s the “oh great heavens!” Type too.

Sometimes is a quickie-person, when he yearns for better company at night he removes himself from his workshop and walks to his room to have honey-sweet love, not fuck.

If you’re arranged marriage melds into more, I think he could be fixed. Very. Very. Slowly. You like to walk to the deep cragged shore of Wyrm’s Rock and watch the ocean and pet the moss. He doesn’t get it even if you have a reason to love being by yourself. You ponder harder about the timelessness of nature and the ebb and flow.

He fucks you soft and slow next time, taking the time like you do. He wants to know his partner, he really does. He uses it to stare into your eyes as they flutter from pleasure, he wants what you have. A soul so malleable yet it always know what it is deep down. It’s always whole.

ⓖⓞⓡⓣⓐⓢⓗⓖⓞⓡⓣⓐⓢⓗⓖⓞⓡⓣⓐⓢⓗⓖⓞⓡⓣⓐⓢⓗⓖⓞⓡ

Thank you for reading!! I have more headcanons on my pinned masterlist <3

[strawberrystepmom]

Have you a favourite vegetable recipe to recommend? Or ones that are just quick/easy?

omg sooooo many. I will tell you that the trick to make any vegetable taste good (imo) is to sautee with garlic, a bit of lemon juice, and the seasonings of your choice but definitely salt and pepper at the very least. like I make spinach like this at least once a week and devour it bc spinach is so good for you...full of nutrients and you can eat a ton of it. i do this with fresh green beans if they're on sale and add red pepper flakes, frozen broccoli (i know sometimes it gets mushy but this tends to be the way to keep it a little more intact).

like i believe in volume eating if you're a person who likes to snack (i am) so i tend to eat large quantities of the things that are good for me. i cook a lot of spinach bc it's easy to eat a lot of it. a lot of sweet potato for the same reason and my tip with those is to literally wrap them in foil and roast them at 400 for about 1.5 hours. they almost always end up perfect and i eat mine with miso butter which is literally just butter mixed with a little bit of miso paste. so so so good and good for you!

big fan of carrots too. honey roasted carrots are the easiest thing ever. i usually slice carrots in half but you can cut them in half moons or circles or whatever works best for you, you can even use baby carrots, and you mix them with cumin, garlic powder, salt, pepper, usually a little bit of whatever herbs seasoning i have on hand (or whatever you have that you like to season with), olive oil, and drizzle them with honey just before putting them in the oven. 400 degrees for 30 minutes or so and you have something that is really special and full of nutrients.

also don't sleep on kale! i know it gets a bad rep bc the fucking orthorexia bitches on instagram never shut up but roasted kale is awesome. one of my favorite meals this time of year is literally red onion, potatoes, whatever other produce i have laying around which is usually a bell pepper or two or some tomatoes and sausage all cut up into small bite size pieces. season as you like (i usually make an olive oil/dijon mustard/maple syrup glaze type thing for this) and roast that at 400 for about 25 minutes. in the last 8 or so minutes i put a couple healthy handfuls of kale dressed in the same seasonings on top to crisp up and it's amazing.

hope this helps a little bit! i know it may sound complicated but i promise you you can have any of this stuff ready in less than 30 minutes (less than 15 for sauteeing!) and it's worth it. you will poop better. you will sleep better. you will feel better!!!

[thepinkseductress]

Do you want to smell like the yummiest and sweetest slice of Strawberry Angel Cake and fluffy whipped cream?

The best feeling in the world is when you walk past a group of people and you hear someone say, "She smells really, really good!" or just simply talking to someone and they say to you, "OMG GIRL! What are you wearing? It smells sooooo good."

Well, at least, I love it when people say that about me. My biggest goal is to not only be the prettiest person in the room but also the best-smelling person.

Personally, I love sweet scents with candy or cake-like notes. I'm a gourmand girly DOWN!! Its fu-serious!

Teeny-weeny little piece of info: I have parosmia, which means the smell factory in my brain is a little out of whack. UGH! I know. I can smell just fine, but I can be a bit sensitive to certain smells, in which they may smell a little off compared to anyone without parosmia. But I swear I am reliable.

Now before I tell you what scents I like to layer and what perfumes I like to drown myself in, it's vital to understand that smelling good starts in the shower.

To me, the foundation to smelling like a literal piece of heaven depends on your body scrubs, shower gels, body wash, etc.

My shower routine:

Always Always ALWAYS start with a bar soap. It leaves the skin feeling fresh and clean. We want a clean canvas (clean skin) to work with. More specifically, this soap has a sweet and soft scent to it. Almost Angelic. It has more of a vanilla smell than shea butter but is still an exceptional cleanser. BRAVO!

At least once a week, I'll use a body sugar scrub. Usually on Sundays, before a busy and treacherous week, I'll scrub off last week's problems with a course body scrub. I like my body scrubs to be course yet moisturizing, and lucky for me, I found one at TJ MAXX (my second home).

Currently, my favorite is the Body Prescriptions Sugar Almond Body Scrub (I can't find a pic anywhere. Sorry!). It has the smoothest consistency that will have your skin feeling the cleanest it has ever felt, while leaving behind a yummy shine that will have you glowing.

Lastly, I adorn my skin with this lovely lady. She Smells BOMB.COM!!! When I say it smells yummy, delectable, edible, sweet, and everything delicious, believe me, girl. I would never lie to you. EVER.

Take my word, Bestie.

MOVING ON!

After-shower care:

Usually after a shower, my lotion depends on my mood.

She's my best friend when I'm having a mild kind-of day. When I'm stuck in the house all day or if I want to enjoy the simpler things in life. She's smells light but sweet. yum.

For a more, INTENSE day, we use her. The holy grail. You get it.

Super sweet and a little childish in my opinion. But idk its heavenly.

BODY GLAZE My Love!!! I live by these two body glazes.

You can layer them on top of the lotion if you want. It's your life… Live it. Me, I rather prefer to only layer the Birthday Frosting BODY GLAZE.

In terms of Miss Strawberry Shortcake, I'll use her all by herself; no lotion is needed. She performs better alone. IMO.

Both project very well, suuuuperrr duuuperr moisturizing, lasts all day, and will have people stopping you on the street to ask you, "OMG GIRL! What are you wearing? It smells sooooo good." …see what I did there?!…no? oh…okay. 

Let's move on, I guess.

I don't care how good your skin smells. If you're not wearing deoderant and those pits are funky, Bitch, YOU'RE FUNKY. PUT SOME DAMN DEODORANT ON!

This does not apply to my besties who do not wear deodorant due to any beliefs or discrepancies.

Anyways, this deodorant smells like a yummy slice of coconut cream pie with a pina colada on the side.

Have you ever watched your mom, grandmother, or any older woman that you look up to powder themselves?

It's not just for sweat, honey. Some powders come perfumed to add a little "umph" to your hygiene routine.

This powder holds a very special place in my heart. It smells sweet and a little floral. A very true vanilla flavor. It almost reminds me of French vanilla ice cream or syrup.

I keep my powder in a powder dish with a cute little pink powder puff sitting on top of the powder.

After spraying on my deodorant, I'll puff this on my underarms, back, and in between my legs, and at night I'll apply some to my chest and belly. Usually this is added the areas that I sweat the most.

Now on the part that you've been waiting for! Or at least what I've been waiting for…

Perfumes:

BOW DOWN TO THE QUEEN!!

…No, really…bow down.

This is a very sweet, cake scent that can be a little finicky. I find it hard sometimes to layer her with other perfumes or products that are more fresh or floral rather than sweet and gourmand. But let's take into account that I have parosmia.

Nonetheless, Mama is very sweet—almost too sweet, but that's what I want. I want you to get a sugar rush just from smelling me. And this perfume does just that. Projects beautifully and last almost a day. Around six hours later, I have to raise my arm to my nose to smell it, but during those six hours I can smell myself through someone else's nose.

Okay, I'm exaggerating, but seriously, she smells strong, sweet, and yummy.

I spray my clothes with perfume. And by spray, I mean DROWN. My soaps, lotions, oils, etc. are really in charge of my skin.

I see shimmer mist as more of an oil than a spray. I know that may not make sense, but hear me out.

I like to spray this on the parts of my body that will be exposed, like my chest, arms, back, and legs. I may even spray a generous amount onto my hands, until there is a puddle of it in my hand, and I will rub it into my skin like an oil. See, like I told you, I treat this more like an oil than a perfume.

˚₊‧꒰ა 𓂋 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

This concludes my usual hygienic routing, buuuuut I'll tell you a secret. Only because we're like besties or whatever.

I like to lightly spray my underwear and socks with perfume. Usually something a bit stronger than a BB&W perfume mist. A cologne, basically.

This keeps my undergarments smelling yummy.

WARNING: Your partner will want to eat your panties right off of you. Proceed with caution.

Remember, bestie, this is MY hygiene routine. I am simply sharing just in case you needed a little help adding products to your arsenal or simply organizing your daily routine. If you do not like anything that I've listed or if you wish to add something, do as you wish, babes!

This is for inspirational purposes, LOL.

I understand this post may be similar to other girly bloggers, much like me. I can assure you I am not the first person to make a post as such, and I won't be the last. I just wanted to share.

My intention is to NEVER be a kopy kat (yuck)!

Okay, I'm done yapping. CIAO!

-ThePinkSeductress

⠀:¨ ·.· ¨:⠀ ⠀ `· . ୨୧⠀

[tiger-tail]

D'ya ever get that awful feeling when you've gone too long without eating? That one where there's this really gross pit in your stomach that actually makes your body sink in. The one that makes your hands shake because you had a small dinner and haven't eaten breakfast yet. The one that makes you salivate so much you feel like a dog, in a bad way. The one that makes your throat hurt and makes you feel like you're about to cry, and then the more you think about it you start to get all choked up and sad?

Joel's too used to that feeling- the feeling of the pit in your stomach when you go without food too long. Being alone means you notice these things, because there's nothing else to notice. He focuses on hunger and how awful it is, and how his hands tremble and he has to swallow a little more thickly every time he gets that feeling. The way that his Adam's apple felt like it was tearing at his throat, desperately clawing to get out.

Well- he's not sure where he's going with this. He's not sure what kind of point he's trying to make so he just tells himself the truth. The feeling reminded him of Jimmy. Beautiful, stubborn, ignorant Jimmy.

When he went so long without Jimmy he swore that there was a pit in his stomach that hurt like that. The kind of one that makes him tell himself he's definitely being overdramatic cause he was fed yesterday. Cause he saw Jimmy yesterday. Jimmy kind of reminded him of that stupid lump in his chest and that shaking feeling in his hands. The feeling of him getting overworked and trying to push himself to his very limit until he literally could not function without eating again. Without seeing Jimmy again.

He's not sure why he's admitting this to himself. He knows this already. God fucking damn it he knew it so well it drove him crazy. He knew he was weak without food, and that he couldn't live without it. He couldn't enjoy himself or anything that he was doing without food.. and he wasn't quite ready to assess that he felt the same way about Jimmy.

You know- he compared Jimmy to food once, just to see if he could find a food that sticks. Something that he could firmly say was a food that reminded him of Jimmy. At first he went with sweeter things, like tiramisu and cream horns and strawberries. Then the thought drifted. Jimmy isn't actually that sweet. He could be a bitch too, sour and leaving a weird taste in your mouth. Not a bad one though. Joel enjoyed the most bitter and sour of foods out there. He could handle a bit of sour from Jimmy.

Jimmy kind of reminded him of a peanut butter and jam sandwich. PB&J was simple, easy enough, well known, and yet so good tasting. What a lot of people might not realize about PB&J is that there are so many ways to ruin it- to mess it up, so they just don't bother to be careful like they would with any other food. After all, it's a PB&J. You wouldn't be so careful with one either, would you? On the flip side, there are so many ways to make a PB&J better, to enhance it's flavour and make it as delicious as it could get. You could toast the bread, butter it too. You could get preserves or expensive peanut butter as well. You could add honey or syrup to make it sweeter- or you could add guacamole to make it savory.

Joel thinks he likes PB&J the way it is. Sometimes he won't be as careful as he should, and tears the bread, but he always makes up for it.

What was he saying again? Right. Jimmy. Jimmy reminded him of all of those things- the things you could do to a PB&J, and how you still wouldn't get it as good as how it's supposed to be. He liked Jimmy the way he was, to be honest. Some people only wanted him for a kiss- or for when he's all cute and bubbly all himbo like. Those people really got on his nerves, actually. Did you think he was really just all of that nonsense he put on for show? Jimmy was smart and crafty, kind of like a fox. He seems a little plain, but he was Joel's favourite. He was Joel's comfort on an early morning when he was hungry, and his hands shook and he felt a lump in his throat.

Joel gets up. He thinks he might have a sandwich.

Tag:

@zedif-y

[slocumjoe]

companions and their comfort foods

Cait; didnt care about food until Sole dragged her out of the Combat Zone. Sturges makes a tarberry cobbler that is to die for. It's lightly crisp, it's sweet, it's juicy; it's incredible. Once they get a reliable source of milk, and then cream, that cobbler is an orgasm in a skillet. It ends up being rather good for her mental health, too, as she starts going berry picking for it and makes friends with the farmers. It's also just a naturally soothing activity. It's hard to think about all your trauma when you're waist-deep in water, plucking berries off a bush.

Curie; Does tea count as food? A delicate Carrot Flower tea keeps her going wherever she is. She takes it with sap or, if lucky enough to forage or buy it, Stingwing honey. The tea itself has a slightly tart finish, almost citrusy. Curie takes it hot or iced, depending on the weather. It was one of the first things she tried after getting her synth body. For a meal, she really enjoys Preston's campfire cooking. Wants to find a working grill for him, Nick, and Danse to bond over. The act of cooking is a time-honored group activity, and goodness knows Preston and Danse neglect their emotional connections.

Danse; The standard Brotherhood rations wouldn't quite apply as 'comfort food', especially not after exile. Danse is utilitarian. he doesn't have a personal relationship with any specific food. But...Nick, despite not being able to drink it himself, makes the best coffee. Even with garbage grounds. A hot, strong cup of coffee in the morning is sometimes the only thing convincing Danse that it's worth waking up. Danse is usually the one cooking; he's gotten good at it over the years. Accidentally betters his relationship with everyone just because he makes decent food. Even Hancock is on his best behavior come breakfast.

Deacon; Cornbread and honey. Cornbread is one of the more common foods, at least in places where they can grind cornmeal. It's messy, it's drier than a desert, and it's pretty bland, but it's just...nice. There was a bar back in University Point that made it, and sitting by the ocean, watching the waves, and munching on some hot, buttery, honeyed cornbread is just such a simple pleasure, how could anyone not savor it? Preston makes the best cornbread now. Has intrusive thoughts of the sexual variety over it. No, Deacon, you don't have to do that to get cornbread. Preston isn't into that anyway, it wouldn't even work. Those pre-war 'films' lied to you, buddy.

Gage; He's a basic bitch. It's steak. Steak and mashed potatoes and a salty gravy. But he's picky. If you want a good steak, you'll want a fresh cut from a Brahmin. But good fucking luck finding Brahman steak. You can't kill the damn things just for the meat, because the milk you get is more valuable. One happy Brahmin can get you a lot of milk, which means a lot of cheese, butter, yogurt. It's a long wait until a cow gets old enough to butcher. Then, the owner might keep the meat to themselves. Gage is a raider, yeah, but he's busy. He can't keep tabs on every cow in the area to see what farm to raid for a fucking steak.

Hancock; Break. Fast. Sand. Wich. Mirelurk egg, grilled cram, cheese, tato...goddamn. God. Damn. One time he put mac and cheese on it instead of Brahmin cheese and it almost turned him religious. Hancock doesn't do sweet breakfast, thinks it's not 'mayoral-y'. He takes his sandwiches to, like, a rooftop, to just eat in silence and savor it. Gets really aggravated if interrupted. Also, guess who makes the best breakfast sandwiches? Danse. Fucking Danse. Life's just not fair, man. Also wants to get the guy a grill; maybe it would, like...help him chill. Give him a different personality.

MacCready; Sugar bombs! Sugar bombs! Sugar bombs! It's basically dog kibble for a twenty-year-old. He'll eat them dry, but he'll pay top cap for some milk. For some concerning reason, despite being 210+ years old, they're never stale. He doesn't care. A bowl of cereal and a comic book, or if Sole lends it, a Pipboy and video game, is an awesome way to start the day. It's a little Saturday ritual he tries to have with Duncan. Afterward, they go dig holes looking for X6's treasure. Gets excited whenever he sees X6 with mud on his boots; knows there's a patch of fresh, disturbed dirt out there somewhere.

Nick; Before, OG Nick loved himself a good lasagna. Currently, Nick gets his fix by helping Preston and Danse cook. Makes coffee the way Danse likes it, with a lot of sugar/honey. The others complain it's too strong and sweet, but the next best thing for Danse's mood would be to sneak chems in it. Obviously, Nick isn't going to do that. And he can't sneak it in Danse's own cup after brewing, because he'll notice, and criticize the waste of resources. A happy Danse is a tolerable Danse. Making Danse happy risks making Danse persnickety because Danse thinks joy and pleasure are selfish. Nick would pull his hair out if he had any.

Preston; Grew up in a Creole family that would sooner nuke the world a second time than give up their family recipes. The current Minutemen make a lot of dishes they've learned from Preston. He's pretty smug about it. His dad's cooking is near and dear to his heart, but his comfort food would be fruit salad. Mutfruit, melon, tarberry, and some canned fruit Sturges nabbed at a store before the raiders cornered them in Concord. It was the first meal he'd had in a while, and it meant they were finally safe. Now it triggers that relief whenever he has it. Makes it when he's anxious. If you notice cans piling up in Preston's trash, please check on him.

Piper; Would have said Takahashi's noodles, but after some time away from them, eating a wider variety of food, she likes them less. They're still good, but they used to be "I am a tired 20 year old who can't cook" good. Now they're just "I remember eating this a lot" good. Her actual comfort food would be s'mores. Piper's mom died when Nat was really little. Afterward, her dad paid for marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers whenever he could, and they'd sit around a campfire and enjoy while her dad told stories. Piper hasn't continued the tradition; it hurts too much, and Nat doesn't remember their parents anyway.

X6-88; didn't understand the concept of comfort food until traveling with these idiots. Still thought himself above it. But then...Piper handed him an innocuous, tiny package. "Gumdrops," she called them. Sour, faintly sweet. Coursers were fed a flavorless nutrient block. She noticed his interest. Snuck him similar things. "If you put this in cola, it explodes!" He tested it. It very much exploded, but the hard candy was still good. Then Deacon got in on the contraband, gave him a box of Dandy-Boy apples. Pre-war snack food was prohibited for its concerning nutritional value. The illegality made it all the more alluring. One thing lead to another, and now X6 has locked safes filled with candy, buried in the woods behind Sanctuary. The local children seek his treasure.

[didyoutrydynamite]

That Cassandra sure is sweet. What does his teammates think of the woman who is getting close to their leader?

Reese: *Mouth full of casserole* Oh she's awesome! She gives us a TON of free food!

May: *Chuckles* She does seem very grateful for our leader's help.

Neon: *Grumpy face* I see through her schemes, that woman is trying honey trap our Blondie!

May: Honey trapping him into what exactly? A date?

Neon: *slams hand on the table* Into putting a baby in her!

Reese: Doesn't she already have a kid? She seems pretty busy already, always asking for our help and stuff?

Neon: She doesn't just want a kid! She wants to trap Jaune into a relationship by having his child! Jaune would never bounce on a kid! And when he's married to that woman and has two kids to raise he'll need to get a real job! That means no more leader, and no more JNRZ!

Reese: *GAAASSSPPP* That BITCH!

May: *Amused* Would you like some peanut butter on that "jelly" sandwich you're serving?

[theknightmarket]

I did a tier list of the Markiplier Egos, so I thought I’d share it here – and, yes, perhaps some of these ratings indicate who I like to write, sue me. So, bottom to top, here it is:

Actor: Super Hell

         I goddamn hate Actor, as you could probably figure out. He’s a prissy bitch, who deserved everything that came to him. Okay, that might’ve been a bit of an exaggeration, but Jesus Christ do I hate him, mainly for causing Damien’s death, plus everything else, but mainly that. He deserves less than Super Hell, but that is the bottom of the barrel.

E-Boy Mark: F

         Reminded me too much of my boy Bing, and I did Not like it. Plus, I have the same tiger pattern on one of my jackets, and I did not want to be associated with this E-Boy. So, F tier.

Ed Edgar: F

         I hate babies. Simple as that. Props for being a cowboy aesthetic, but that mustache knocked him back down into F tier.

Derek Derekson: F

         Need I say anything? He’s abusive and a bitch, and I care too much about my baby Eric to put him any higher. I would put him lower, but Super Hell is reserved for Actor. F.

Silver Shephard: E

         I haven’t seen anything about him, except for the skit with all the other egos, in which I also did not see much. Cool costume, but no clue. E.

Dr. Iplier: E

         Again, not much. To be honest, both of the Egos in the E tier are ones I haven’t seen much of but know about. Hence, the doctor is here. Nice catchphrase, E tier.

Yandereiplier: D

         The animation is cool, I’ve always liked horror-blood elements, and the pictures of Yandere have the red hair, which I am a fan of. However, the game itself is a point down, and he is only for the sim, so D tier.

King of the Squirrels: D

         A classic start to the Ego train, so points given, but points taken away because I am not a huge fan of peanut butter. Squirrels I love, though, so again. Hence, D tier.

Bill: C

         Okay, so I haven’t seen the video he comes from actually, but I did see one clip of him saying ‘Oh, honey, no’ and, boy, did I feel flustered, and I don’t even know why! It was just weirdly sweet and reflects the kinda stuff you see in my S tiered Egos. But, alas, he’s not all that common in videos, so C.

Bim Trimmer: C

         I don’t know either, man, he’s just a funny guy. The image I have for him is so stupid, and he’s Bim Trimmer??? C’mon. C tier.

The Colonel: C

         Being separate from Wilford, he’s kinda lacking in substance compared to him, but I get it. Cuckolded a dude, which isn’t a great start, but it’s Actor, so I don’t care. Says ‘bully’, which is fun, but he does kill the viewer, so points off for him, putting him in C.

Google(s): C

         Might be influenced by my having a fic in the works for him, but I am also a sucker for AI, android stuff. Plus, the fanart I see for him is always cute. Him being rude to Bing takes him down a notch, though, so C.

Heehoo: C

         The concept of this guy is so funny to me – like, Jesus Christ, the Markiplier runs into the wild, completely naked, save for maybe shoes, of all things, and is fine??? The long hair pushes it over D, but the lack of a voice keeps him in C.

The Nightguard: C

         It’s mainly for the musical itself, and that one moment when he leans in and says ‘I killed a guy’ because obviously. Not to mention it’s Mark singing. However, this one can be excluded from being an ego because it is basing off of a pre-established character. So, C tier.

Captain Magnum: C

         I haven’t gone through his ending yet in AHWM (sue me, I got Yancy first), but I do love pirates ;) but I don’t love beards. Personal preference, it just takes away from the face. Basically, the aesthetic alone brings it into C tier.

Annus: B

         Now, I did watch, uh, [redacted] – catch my favorite video being the A.I generated basically fanfictions – and I loved the whole concept of it! The ending, especially during covid, kinda helped me get used to death and the idea of having to die in the end. However, some of this does not extend to the ego of Annus. I feel like there was a lot more they could have done with both Annus and Unus, but I understand that most of the audience would not have wanted it to be fully cryptid and ARG-esque, so B is both the lowest and highest I can go with him. I do love suits, though. 

Eric Derekson: B

         I have seen next to nothing about this boy! And I love him :D! He’s just so cute in everything I’ve seen and read. Solid B tier for the cute side, anyway. 

The Jims: B

         Honestly, it’s a goof ego, and I like that. The stupid movements and the little side bit about WKM made me happy after the sad events, and I saw them in Space, so I’m happy to put them at B, as a collective, of course.

Monster Gulch Mark: B

         I’m a sucker for apocalypses, man. The casual murder plot caught my eye, and then the second song was a banger, too. I was super disappointed when nothing ever came out from Monster Gulch again, and I appreciate the running water thing, if you know what I mean by that. So, for both Mark in this and the musical in general, B tier.

God of Night: B

         Dope aesthetic and I am a sucker for deity-stuff. However, I do not have the attention span to watch a 3+ hour video where he is not in all of it, and was, maybe, recorded without a hard script? I don’t know, but I know I should watch it considering I have a fic queued for him. Cool concept, but I can’t watch so much of that in one go. B tier.

Noir: A

         You remember that I said I love suits, right? Well, this guy, in a disheveled suit, the noir aesthetic – one that I loved since I saw Into the Spider-Verse – and the voice over??? A tier, and I will take no comments. Also, there’s something to be said about how the lower tiers tend to have the cocky-know-it-all egos, and the higher tiers are soft guys. This, the A tier, is a weird exception.

Murdock: A

         No. 1, the murder – no. 2, the vibe – no. 3, the outfit! The moment I saw Murdock, I had to put the screen down and go for a walk. You’ve seen this man, you understand what I mean. A tier, for everything he’s involved in.

Dark: A

         This is probably lower than a lot of people would put him, and I’m still debating putting him higher, but A tier is the least I will go. Again, there’s the suit, plus, I’m a fan of the glitchy, multi-emotion thing he has going on. However, as many of you will remember, he did shove the viewer into a mirror and steal their body. Not great on his part, but he is against Actor, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Hence, A tier, plus he does stage himself sexily on that desk, so…

Engineer: A

         This guy is plain cute. He’s devoted, he’s hard-working, he appreciates the aesthetics! He really should be in A+ tier, considering I have a sticker of him, too, except for one tiny snag. Actor. He is the source of all my trouble and complicates things in the theory sense. Is Engineer actually Actor? We don’t know, and I don’t like to think I would put anyone related to Actor in A+. So, sorry, my dear boy, he has to be in A tier.

Bing: A+

         If you’ve seen my other posts, you may already understand why he’s here, but I will reiterate for every who doesn’t know. I don’t know what it is, but the dumb, skateboarder-bro, with a heart of gold is a thing I love. The glasses are cool, the orange I adore, and an android? C’mon, I can’t put him anywhere but A+. (I also have a sticker of him on the laptop I am currently writing this on)

Host: A+

         I had to go searching for Host after the sketch with all of the egos in it, and, boy, was I overjoyed to find him. The blind-fold and narrator bit, and a couple of fics I’ve read influenced this decision. A+ tier, but it’s a controversial one. (Another that I have a sticker of)

Wilford: A+

         Yeah, this is just where he belongs. S tier is reserved for two egos here, and so Wilford is a banger in A+ tier. The whole fruity-bisexual-timelord thing is amazing, and, as far as character design goes, oof, the fluffy hair, slightly unbuttoned shirt? I am swooning. A+ tier. (Also, a sticker)

Illinois: A+

         This guy has two belts. What a dude. And the flirty thing I appreciate, the whip cracks, as well. Him walking backwards through a bunch of traps is pique douche, but in an oh-my-god-he’s-going-to-get-himself-killed-better-help-him kind of way. Like pulling a drowning dog out of a pool and them shaking off. A+.

Can you guys guess who’s at the top of this list? If you can’t, lemme tell you. 

Damien: S

         Damien is my comfort character, and that sucks because – spoilers – he is dead. I forgive him for shoving the viewer into a mirror, solely for his adorable personality and all of the fics people have for him prior to poker night. The ‘little monster’ nickname has me squealing every time I hear it, and I could fully write an essay on his character. Fuck Actor for killing him, and fuck anyone who doesn’t think he’s amazing. Solid S tier, no questions. 

Yancy: S

         Objectively the best character. He was my first ending in AHWM, I love his song, he applied for parole??? Look at that man, listen to him talk – the accent omg – and tell me, genuinely, that you would not do anything for him. Look me in the eyes and tell me that he isn’t the light of your life. ‘Free as a buird’ – gods, he’s adorable, and a sticker that I have on the inside of my laptop, to boot!

And that’s it! Feel free to reblog or send me an ask telling me your opinion, but know that I will fight you if you disagree on my S tiers :D

Have a good day everyone!

[chaotic-on-main]

Sky, what's your top five favorite breads?🍞🥐🥖

TOP 5 FAVORITE BREADS HUH?

1. First off we got the simple french bread. It's so so crusty and toasts so well 🤌🏻 slather that bitch up with garlic butter and call it a day

2. Next we got the good ole fashion sandwich bread. But not just any, like that soft bread that you would make pbjs or turkey sandwiches with where you'd smush some potato chips in and then after you bite into it, the bread gets stuck to the roof of your mouth. Slaps every time, 10/10

3. Coming in number 3 we have croissants. They are so flaky and so buttery if you make them right. Bonus points if it has honey butter on it (looking at you Cheddar's Scratch Kitchen)

4. No one at me, southern biscuits are bread. Now I will only eat homemade ones, a specific recipe that I go to every time. It's made with frozen butter so that when they cook, the butter melts and it makes it SO AIRY AND SO DELIGHTFUL. I put extra butter because fuck why not

5. Baguettes

ASK ME THE MOST RANDOM QUESTIONS YOU CAN THINK OF. I'm feeling hyper and chaotic, come indulge me. I promise you won't be disappointed. 👋🏻

[biblicalhorror]

I found a page on Instagram that describes itself as "nutrient dense meals" but literally everything is just meat and dairy I'm losing my mind

And I've been laughing at this one in particular for like 20 minutes:

Just fucking. Bite into a slice of butter. Put some honey on that bitch and boom. Picture of health

I'm literally obsessed with the Antivegan Messiah. Giving yourself heart disease one beef jerky chocolate at a time. Oh, also, they had a "veggie fritter recipe" that was just grated carrots and something called "beef flour" beat together with an egg and deep fried. No notes.

[andersonpress]

Quarantine Recipes for When You Wake Up at 4AM on FriMonWednesday

Originally written: April 26, 2020

What day is it bitch? #Socialdistancing has revealed how flimsy the concept of time truly is. I mean even saying the word routine out loud nowadays just feels violent. 

To add insult to injury, everybody and their fucking mom are out here making banana bread and focaccia?? Now don’t get me wrong - heal as necessary and also pass me a plate. But I truly don’t know where yall are getting this energy from! While we have had more ‘time’ to discover new hobbies, I’ve been using it to recover from whatever the fuck time clock the world has BEEN on. 

Before stay-at-home orders started rolling out I was already cooking quick, easy, cheap, and yummy meals - I’m in graduate school LMAO. The hecticness of my life has always made me sacrifice my diet. In “NY Resolutions ” I explained how I often went for fast food, frozen meals, instant noodles because I really didn’t give a flying fuck what I was eating - I did not think I was worth wellness. I went over that hill, learned more about ecofeminism, went vegan, went vegetarian, went pescatarian, back vegan, back to meat...you get the picture (My stomach is literally calling me a dumb bitch all the time). To be honest, my wallet is funny honey. I can’t always afford (monetarily and with time) to cook meals with the most expensive ingredients. So as a way to combat this issue I decided to stick with the same couple of recipes for a few months; then I’ll find some more and cook those - and the cycle repeats. 

These recipes are ones that I have been rotating in and out for the past year. They take less than 30 minutes from preparation to plate, they taste bomb, and last for about two days! Go ahead and try these, let me see what you make! Tag me in your recipes on Instagram @taywaits - I would love to see how y'all put your own twist on these delicious recipes. 

Recipes

Quick, Easy, and No Egg Brownies

Ingredients

1 box of Brownie Mix 

3 Eggs

¾ cup of Oil

¾ cup of Butter (Melted)

Add Walnuts, Potato Chips, or Pretzels for a Salty Crunch

Baking Pan

Directions

Preheat oven according to your pan and what the Brownie Mix recommends

Combine wet ingredients into bowl 

Add dry ingredients 

Empty mix into pan

Bake at predetermined temperature 

Enjoy! (Add some ice cream and cherries on top! You deserve it!)

Baked Chicken with Veggies, Rice 

Ingredients

However many servings of chicken 

1 packet of onion soup mix

1 tablespoon of olive oil

1 bag of frozen vegetables

90 second Jasmine Rice 

1 teaspoon of butter

Garlic Salt, Cajun Seasoning, Pepper, Salt, Lemon Pepper (any other seasonings you want)

Baking Pan

Directions

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

Place raw chicken into a bowl and season thoroughly

Place chicken into baking pan  

Put onion soup seasoning into bowl and mix with 1 cup of water 

Add frozen vegetables next to chicken in pan 

Empty mix into pan making sure to cover vegetables and chicken

Bake at predetermined temperature for 20-25 minutes

5 minutes before chicken finishes heat up rice in microwave with butter and salt 

Fluff rice, pull out chicken and veggies from the oven

Serve and Enjoy!

Chickpea Entree with Rice and Naan 

Ingredients

1 can of chickpeas/garbanzos

1 premade Butter Chicken or Tikka Masala sauce

1 tablespoon of olive oil

¼ of an onion

1 clove of garlic

1 Jalapeño

90 second Jasmine Rice or Leftover Rice 

1 teaspoon of butter

Garlic Toaster Naan

Garlic Salt, Cajun Seasoning, Pepper, Salt, Lemon Pepper, Turmeric, Red Pepper Flakes (any other seasonings you want)

1 Medium Sized Pan

Directions

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

Chop all vegetables up

Put oil in pan and wait for the oil to get warm

Put chopped veggies into oil and cook until transparent/soft

Add garbanzos/chickpeas and stir

Add sauce to pan and rice 

Place naan into oven 

Stir together for 5 minutes

Turn off pot, take out naan from oven 

Add butter to naan

Serve and Enjoy! Add turmeric and red chili flakes to chickpea entree. 

I hope these recipes bring you some joy in these strange times. Make sure to take it easy on yourself!

[terrania]

bitches will spend upwards of half an hour daily constructing something called the ultimate treat and its literally just macking cheese. they spend eight minutes boiling the noodles and when theyre draining and they're putting in the milk and the butter for the cheese sauce they'll think "well surely i deserve an extra tablespoon of butter. i'm worth it." and that's where the trouble starts. because after that whats stopping bitches from putting in just an extra bit of salt, some olive oil and maybe some garlic and onion powder and fuck it while were here let's get some honey and red pepper flakes, that shit makes everything ever taste like ten times better. and at this point the boxed cheese powder being added in is like <50% of the concoction being produced but fuck it it smells nice and it's worth it to eat well. and when bitches finish stirring in the cooked noodles and take a bite they beam uncontrollably but as they keep chewing their smile drops and tears well up in their eyes because it tastes like home, not in terms of nostalgia but a home that they should've found but never did, that they never had and that for all they know they never will, the flavor profile effortlessly comforting and beautiful in a way they can't be. and they also stir in a couple uncooked noodles to hit them off guard when theyre chomping down at this exact moment

[niiicedave]

The Pharcyde - 4 Better Or 4 Worse (1992) (DJ Nu-Mark RMX) (2008) 

Uh, do you take, Rhymealinda Do you love me Tre, do you really love me? To be your lawfully, wedded, wife?

Uh, uh, I do, I do, no I don't, I do

Ah roomie zoom zim, I'm all to be wed To Rhymealinda I remember um, when we first met In eighty-two back in school used to play up all the fools Sometimes you'd be my number fives sometimes you'd be my twenty-two But um, screw the dumb shit, 'cause little Rhyme's true I can't wait to say I do and oh yeah honey there's no due I got my chariot, rolling, now I'm mic controlling Got some spunk in my funk, I can't wait to put some soul in We're rolling all strikes, we're having little tykes One is little Mike the others Ike I'm sure that you would like To hold em, or maybe stroll em on their little bikes When they're born, I've sworn, to bring 'em up right You know, dope is how I breed em, beats is what I'll feed 'em They'll be healthy like a health nut I'm sure you shake your butt (Kick the verse preacher) and I won't disperse Here's my life Rhymealinda for better or for worse

Well it's done she tagged me, duck duck goose I'm batter up I can't sleep the fly brotha must produce The power pack and I'm stacked like a forty-five Mag Straight up tennis shoes in my pants there's a sag Dropping so much grammar gotta slam it down my mouth Shup? I met a slut she, put me in the rut G With the dip that was down with me from the whole front Now front me never too cool how-ever I gotta get the bread, gotta get the butter Fix it up eat down throw it in the gutter (Gutter dreamed it) sour, (creamed it) gotta Skinny-dipped into her ass as if it was a pool of water Now the water's getting hotter so I bought her a new ring Maybe a love ballad is the song I sing I gotta kiss her ass my tongue I hold before I curse If you really want me bitch, take me for better or for worse

Well this is the final chapter (hello?) Of me, we're going to rack up (who is this?) In tune, in tune, in tune, a button (why are you calling my house?) A button, a button! Oh come on, honey (who is this? What?) Would you come along with me down (Mike is that you?) The lane and I will pick your brain (oh my God, who is this?) I won't be good like you think I will (I'll fucking call the cops) I'll take a hammer and start to drill (don't call my house) Your skull, and then I'll really start (oh my God, what is this) Picking, your brains cells, I will be (what? I'm gonna call the cops) Licking, mm mm mm mm! okay? (quit fucking around) You taste so intelligent, ah (hello, who is this?) Yes yes yes, you trusted me, now (help, who is this? What) I busted thee, top of your skull (are you doing? Why are you) You thought the day was going to be dull (calling me?) I'll make it very exciting I took your fingers then I started (who are you? Why are you) Biting, and then I scraped the meat (calling my house?) Off, the bone, of your leg (stop calling here!) Ah, you tried to make me beg (don't call here anymore) But I had to insist, I had to insist I, run up your pussy with my fist Okay, I think we've gone a little bit (I'm gonna call the cops!) Overboard, don't stop it yet (fuck you don't call my house!)

Like this ("like what like what like what")

Yo, I'm Audi Gee No doubts manufactured No ah copies, we can't ah, do the copies No copies, okay Oh, so you expect me to do some type of freak show? That's what it really is huh? Is that what you want? What you talking about? What you talking bout nigga? What you know bout the problems of L.A.? I'ma tell you what's wrong with the problems Of the people in the L.A. See the brothers needs some type of education And you know, some type of foundation, in the, uh Community, cause the mute-co, duh, the community Grows like seeds, and the seeds will not fall from The tree if you don't water the grass So nigga get off your rusty black ass Like this, like this You can get with this, or you can get with that I think you get with this because Fat Lip's fat Fat Uh, okay um, okay uh, keep going keep going keep going Keep going, hey Romye Romye, come here come here come here come here come here Come here come here (ok ok hey yo yo yo yo) come here for a second Hey Rhasaan, Rhasaan, Imani, Imani I think you should Oh, duh!

Songwriters: Derrick Lemel Stewart / Derrick Stewart / Emandu Imani Rashaan Wilcox / Emandu Wilcox / John Martinez / Lou Donaldson / Trevant Jermaine Hardson

4 Better or 4 Worse (interlude) lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC