#probably more cathartic too

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Soooooo I wrote this incredibly self-indulgent thing about Miles. I have many feelings about how he keeps himself so tightly in control. It's gotta go somewhere.

Disclaimer it's quite dark, so mind the trigger warning and keep yourself safe <3

TW: self-harm, not what I would consider graphic descriptions, but it is the central theme and way more than a mention

The lock clicks. He slips his suit jacket off. Loosens then removes his tie. Untucked, buttons undone. It’s all laid out on the bed. Step by step. Shoes set to the side and trousers swapped for silken pajama pants.

The bathroom door closes behind him. The second lock between him and the world. The shower comes on. Towel laid out on the counter.

His drawer, second down on the left. He pulls out the small black bag. Gold zipper. Supple leather. Inside, his collection. Three packs of new razor blades. An open pack of blades; used ones tucked into the back. A single hypodermic needle. A crafting knife. Two unopened band aids.

The rest of the drawer’s contents is ignored, antiseptic and suture kits, butterfly closures and rolls of gauze, in favor of practiced hands sliding the tin of blades from the bag and the blade from the tin.

He sits on the toilet, lid down. Elbow straight. Fist clenched. The first slice with a small inhale. Bright and sharp and stinging. Familiar and comforting. Line after line as red blooms from the wounds. The ecstasy second only to the Kiss. Rivulets follow gravity down. Strategically placed tissues catch the mess.

Stained crimson, they fall into the waste basket. He flexes his wrist, testing the pull of the broken skin, blots the last of the blood away. Blade inspected and stowed; everything returned to it’s place. Pajamas folded on top of the toilet, he steps into the shower.

[batsplat]

the way tennis to motogp pipeline is definitely a thing…….

switching to motogp really does highlight how a lot of those atp guys are just soooooo freaking boring in comparison. and I’m talking about big 4 and 00’s players here. current gen is so so much worse. horrible. abolish atp

*nods in agreement* I mean it's not a completely one-way street - obviously I'm never going to stop following tennis, I'm never going to stop PLAYING tennis, I want to do more coaching again in the future... and this stuff does come and go in waves, like 2019-2022-ish I was definitely drifting more from motogp to tennis again (minus going crazy on the motogp archives during the pandemic). but at the start of this year I did have a moment where I was like... no. enough. I do still follow women's tennis very closely!! but the state of the men's game looks SO dire right now headed into next season that I cannot even pretend to be mildly excited about the australian swing (which I usually am every year, in charlie brown trying to kick the football fashion)

but yeah honestly every time I revisit motogp it's this kind of... man, I am operating with crumbs when it comes to tennis, and then motogp is kind enough to hand you an entire buffet. and admittedly valentino does deserve a lot of credit here, also makes the other blokes more interesting, can't imagine what the sport would be like without him. but crucially, you do just end up with a far more interesting slate of guys. it's a shame because, again, I might be biased but I fully believe tennis as a sport has insane amounts of narrative potential. it's just... yeah, idk what's happened. it IS also a men-specific problem, like obviously noughties wta cooked insanely hard by every metric and the women's game is still plenty engaging since then. but still!! frustrating

also my thing is. okay so the women's game right now obviously also isn't feuds galore, the top girlies mostly get on fine and there's not TOO much of an edge there. but I still far prefer it to the men, and not just because I think the women generally have way more personality. it's also just... idk, I sometimes joke with my friends that I have a chart in my head with two axes that goes. x axis = skill; y axis = evil. or maybe not EVIL, just like. capacity for drama. and draw a line across the chart. and if you're under that line, I just can't deal with you. I love underdogs, I still root for a bunch of scrubs on the men's side who are journeymen or chokers or just kinda mid. same obviously with the women. but then at the top of the men's game, it's just?? these guys who dominate SO much and are SO good, but who quite frankly do not have enough narrative juice to sustain that kind of dominance. (okay maybe rather than 'evil', let's say 'narrative juice' as the y axis.) I'm not saying they're ALL so boring that I'd hate them if they were ranked ten positions lower, but given the chokehold first the big three then this current lot have had on the game... simply not good enough

whereas with the women, we've obviously had a chaos era or three, but now we have these women who are all like... really strong, really pushing each other forward, but also deeply imperfect! and I mean that in the best way possible. igatha with her rigidness and fragility and inability to step back when she's returning - who's so fucking good, but also constantly seems to be walking a mental tightrope and is currently in a bit of a crisis where her game is at. sublanko with her history of semifinal choking and serving yips and who's constantly visibly fighting herself on the court. the fascinating contrast that particular rivalry provides, not least in how they behave on the court. gauff, who constantly appears to have a major part of her game falling apart whether it's the forehand or now the serve - and who is overcoming that primarily by just making herself ridiculously hard to beat. I could go on, I mean where do you even start with ryba... all these current stars of the sport who really feel like they're here to stay - yeah, they're not cooking up complex feuds so it's never going to be COMPLETE brainworms territory for me, but I still find it deeply deeply compelling!! I love watching them play, I'm rooting for them to figure their shit out... but also not. like. too much. it's great to follow in sporting terms!!

and if you are going to be so dominant over the sport, so unyielding, so unblinking in your refusal to allow new major competitors to emerge for such an extended period of time... well, then, as far as I'm concerned you'd better be motogp alien levels of deranged. like, that's the bar for me. sure, then I can accept it. none of this awful 'oh well, the less talented guy lost his five hundredth consecutive slam final, what can you do' business, if you're going to suppress the less talented then at least do it with the ruthlessness and affinity for existential horror that valentino displayed towards sete. enough with pretending like crowds booing your opponents for having the temerity to challenge you is something you don't even notice - at least weaponise it like valentino did. tennis as a gentleman's sport is unbearable... I'm not a gentleman, I want mess. and if you're going to dominate, at least attempt to beat each other to death with hammers!! god. is that too much to ask for

[trans-leek-cookie]

Thinking about geto because I want to pour milk on him and throw him against the wall. Imo his beliefs are inconsistent and self serving (which makes sense because he developed said beliefs at age 16/17 while his mental health was at an all time low). Because while he seems to have the primary motive of "only sorcerers = no curses" taking into account how he treats Maki, who has no cursed energy, it shows that the "no curses" thing isnt the main focus- bc while he decided on tbe "forced evolution" thing, theoretically he should not be Opposed to ppl w heavenly restriction bc. They still fuckin. Don't contribute to curses from what I can tell. Also heavenly restriction is pretty obviously something that is punished by uh. Is it just the Zenin's who have it. Anyway they hated Maki and they Hated Toji so he clearly isn't standing for "oppressed sorcerers" bc if so Maki should be like. The kind of person he wants to help more, as someone who would be oppressed by ppl who aren't sorcerers as well as the powerful clans.

Anyway. While getting rid of curses is for sure part of his motivation, as well as helping sorcerers (see Nanako and Mimiko) id honestly argue that his main problem that lead to him spiraling was. How do I put this. Being knocked off a pedestal

Because he was one of 3 people given the ranking of "Special Grade", and he and satoru are grouped as "the strongest". And consider that satoru comes from a powerful clan and literally has some weird omniscience and invincibility shit going on so that's a whole fucking. That's gotta be a wild ego boost, especially for someone who comes from a family of ppl who aren't sorcerers. Like you spend all this time being a fuckin weirdo and then someone finds you and it turns out you're actually incredibly special and strong, given the same rank as a fucking God Child? You're gonna have some wild self perceptions after that

Anyway then you get to watch your invincible friend get stabbed, watch the girl you became friends with and feel shitty about kinda ruining the life of get shot, and get your whole shit rocked by some guy who can't even use the magic power bullshit you have. (Though he's got a whole physical thing going on because of the trade off)

Also writing all of this out actually makes me understand the Cult Leader progression more, like besides the fact they killed ur friend and you want em dead. You're probably struggling with your ego (especially since your weird God like friend got a whole power boost from the situation) so you create a fucking eugenicist cult where you can consistently prove your superiority to yourself (surrounding yourself with people who will agree with everything you say).

Anyway in a similar vein I wholely believe in "a loving father is not inherently a good father" Suguru + Nanako & Mimiko dynamic

Final thought is roughly I feel like looking at Suguru thru the lense of "this character had a level of privilege that they felt they truly deserved, and after experiencing events that are genuinely traumatic and horrific for any person, they develop reactionary beliefs to try and regain a sense of superiority and control" rather than "oppressed minority who killed oppressors and wants to do eugenics"

[electoons]

my psychiatrist was trying to explain that a lot of my depression and anxiety probably stems from my trying to force myself into a (neurotypical/allistic) mold that i wasn't made for and that it's nothing to be ashamed of and she listed elon musk and bill gates as my fellow autists and that made me cry harder

[judgementkazukun]

no one asked but kiryu wasnt even originally my favorite yakuza/rgg/lad character and i 100% sped through his parts to play more as majima in y0. truly my love for kiryu snuck up while i was playing through kiwami and then hit me like a freight train while playing either kiwami 2 or y3. and that's bc one thing about me is,,, if a character has experienced Grief then i just automatically feel loyal to them on that level.

[sammygender]

i have this problem where i actually really like work that dwells on like. homophobia and transphobia or whatever. to a worrying extent. and always makes its gay characters face it. and makes them meet with tragedy. like of course i detest the fact that its often/was often the only thing that exists but me, personally, i sometimes LIKE it. i find it cathartic. and besides it feels realer and rawer to me than the 20th quirky bisexual on like sex education or heartbreak high or whatever new teen show there is. theres something so much realer about so much ‘problematic’ 2000s gay representation lmfao

[orcelito]

Thinking about getting a nose piercing. Like a little stud on the side... on the right side. My cartilage piercing is on the left & I plan to wear a lil hoop on it once it's healed enough. And that just might be the only cartilage piercing I want? Bc I have my double lobes and I got only one cartilage piercing bc I like the idea of having just one lil hoop in one ear. Coincidentally on the same side as Vash's hoop, though I chose it long b4 getting into Trigun bc I part my hair to the right lol, which means a cartilage piercing would be more visible on the left.

Anyways I was thinking about it and if I have a side nose piercing on the right of my nose, then an eyebrow piercing on my left eyebrow... balanced with my hair on the right side... I think that'd be my ideal piercing setup tbh, at least for my face.

Could change my mind later, but I am Thinking about it

[lovelettered]

why is this MY LIFEEE i've been crushing on this girl all year who's an RA in my building and i literally don't even know her name or if she even likes girls (she gives vibes like she does though) but she's so cute and she has this dog who i always see that's adorable too and anyways yeah i have this stupid insane crush on this girl who doesn't know i exist. anyways just now i was sitting outside staring at the moon feeling sorry for myself and a little dramatic and she comes outside with her dog and her dog runs up to me and she lets me pet them and we talk for a little bit but then she i guess needs to wear her dog out a little so they go to sleep so she plays catch with her dog while i go back to being dramatic staring at the sky and then i left because i freaked out and couldn't go talk to her like a normal fucking person. and she didn't really give the vibes that she even really wanted to be friends with me like she was kinda just being polite while i was obviously more into our convo so i think i need to just leave it alone but this is horrible. i've liked her all year and we finally talk for the first time out of nowhere in a situation which quite frankly feels like fate but nothing happens i don't even catch her name and she doesn't ask me for mine. and it's the end of the year and i'm literally never gonna see her again. i hate my life so much why is the universe constantly playing a cosmic joke on me

[cryptidm0ths]

Need to see himeru lose control of something and just break

[bulletbilltime]

Between Ethel Cain's Preacher's Daughter, Shisumo's Bookstore Max AU, and whimsicalcotton's polluted marrow Max AU (and let's be real pretty much all of Life is Strange 1 & True Colors), I am noticing that I may be latching on to stories about traumatized ppl more than may be healthy

[quotesfrommyreading]

When I’m out with Deaf friends, I put my hearing aid in my purse. It removes any ability to hear, but far more importantly, it removes the ambiguity that often haunts me.

In a restaurant, we point to the menu and gesture with the wait staff. The servers taking the order respond with gestures too. They pantomime “drinks?” and tell us they learned a bit of signs in kindergarten. Looking a little embarrassed, they sign “Rain, rain, go away, come again another day” in the middle of asking our salad dressing choice. We smile and gently redirect them to the menu. My friends are pros at this routine and ordering is easy ― delightful even. The contrast with how it feels to be out with my hearing husband is stunning.

Once my friends and I have ordered, we sign up a storm, talking about everything and shy about nothing. What would be the point? People are staring anyway. Our language is lavish, our faces alive. My friends discuss the food, but for me, the food is unimportant. I’m feasting on the smorgasbord of communication ― the luxury of chatting in a language that I not only understand 100% but that is a pleasure in and of itself. Taking nothing for granted, I bask in it all, and everything goes swimmingly.

Until I accidentally say the word “soup” out loud.

Pointing at the menu, I let the word slip out to the server. And our delightful meal goes straight downhill. Suddenly, the wait staff’s mouths start flapping; the beautiful, reaching, visual parts of their brains go dead, as if switched off.

“Whadda payu dictorom danu?” the server’s mouth seems to say. “Buddica taluca mariney?”

“No, I’m Deaf,” I say. A friend taps the server and, pointing to her coffee, pantomimes milking a cow. But the damage is done. The server has moved to stand next to me and, with laser-focus, looks only at me. Her pen at the ready, her mouth moves like a fish. With stunning speed, the beauty of the previous interactions ― the pantomiming, the pointing, the cooperative taking of our order ― has disappeared. “Duwanaa disser wida coffee anmik? Or widabeeaw fayuh-mow?”

Austin “Awti” Andrews (who’s a child of Deaf adults, often written as CODA) describes a similar situation.

“Everything was going so well,” he says. “The waiter was gesturing, it was terrific. And then I just said one word, and pow!! It’s like a bullet of stupidity shot straight into the waiter’s head,” he explains by signing a bullet in slow motion, zipping through the air and hitting the waiter’s forehead. Powwwww.

Hearing people might be shocked by this, but Deaf people laugh uproariously, cathartically.

“Damn! All I did was say one word!” I say to my friends. “But why do you do that?” they ask, looking at me with consternation and pity. “Why don’t you just turn your voice off, for once and for all?” they say.

Hearing people would probably think I’m the lucky one ― the success story ― because I can talk. But I agree with my friends.

  —  I'm Deaf And I Have 'Perfect' Speech. Here's Why It's Actually A Nightmare.

[cc-kote]

God I am so insanely proud of this gd novella of a fic I've been writing for the last month or so. I have the whole thing mapped out (3 acts, but the third act is separated into 2 parts) and act 1 is nearly finished. I just can't believe how much I have done already. For the last 5 years I've been struggling so hard to write anything consistently, like I had my own original stories planned and bits and pieces of them written but I struggled so hard to make the plot coherent and the characters dynamic and it was making me feel so sad and unenthusiastic abt writing. And then I fuckin watched TROS and got so pissed abt how dirty they did my faves that I was suddenly inspired to write my own self indulgent af fix it fic 😂😂😂

It's just so funny to me that the driving force behind me getting back into the swing of writing stories was being so deeply unsatisfied with the fates of my favorite characters that I felt the overwhelming need to take matters Into my own hands and rewrite it in a way that panders to what I want for them.

[mewguca]

Shame

this is a rather personal piece; it's primarily based on my own struggles

It probably could've been executed better (like having more of the interaction she's agonizing over), but I really wanted to focus on that visceral reaction of shame, guilt, and self-criticism

here's a long ramble I wrote while starting this ...

I realize, perhaps much of the reason certain depictions of moon trigger me so much is due to my own overwhelming shame and guilt. It's a defense mechanism crafted because I yet lack the strength to accept myself. I suppose that's why characters like Five Pebbles are so appealing to me — he is someone I've given the room to express his faults, his flaws, his hatred, his despair, his pain, and all his imperfections... For him to be mean or angry is natural and expected, so it's not as scary to express my negative feelings with him as the instrument. He's not a "good person", after all, so it's fine if he is "bad." His standards aren't as high.

Conversely, because I idealize LTTM so much and connect her to myself, I deny her the same things I deny myself. I do it without even thinking, really...

I've often thought, "but this sort of emotion doesn't really suit her... isn't this sort of projection too self-indulgent? If I made this, it'd be too obvious that my own emotions are bleeding through onto the canvas..."

So, I wonder if she's experienced that same sort of emotional repression. It'd be cathartic, in an unfortunate way. To see someone else struggle to grapple with such things, because they want to be pure and virtuous and not upset others...

It's harder when you spend so much time shaping that perfect, faultless, virtuous sort of image, especially when you do it reflexively. Unconsciously. You're making the pressure for yourself worse, but you can't stop... I'm actually not a very friendly person. I'm actually quite afraid and irritable, and I push people away when they get too close. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want anyone to hate me... I don't want to cause suffering or strife. Sometimes, I wish I could just be a completely passive observer.

But I suppose I'm a human being instead, so I have to accept that. Thanks for reading, I guess. I'm not really looking for emotional support here... I just want to be understood.

[angeltrapz]

feeling like I'm writing miles ooc & then realizing it's bc im writing him... feeling what I feel sometimes. & it can occasionally appear/sound very unlike me, therefore it makes sense that it wld Also appear/sound unlike him. gave myself anxiety over a Vent lmfao (continued in tags but there's some tmi there. just as a warning.)

[mareastrorum]

That last episode really wasn’t as interesting as the discourse suggests, and that’s pretty much the problem:

First, Ludinus’s fight was not of the caliber expected for a final boss fight, which (in combination with his staff) suggests that it won’t be the last time we’ll see him. The issue is that the audience is generally quite tired of Ludinus because (1) he has made far too many appearances for a villain with a single-minded goal, (2) his interactions with the PCs are uninteresting because his motivations don't resonate with them in agreement or opposition, and (3) Delilah did the whole “Cerberus Assembly wizard who refuses to stay dead” thing in this very campaign (plus it was far more thematically appropriate for a necromancer) and that takes the dramatic tension out of the possibility. No one cast member bears the blame for those 3 issues; Matt probably should have pivoted to give Ludinus additional motivations when the Hells had so consistently demonstrated an inability to commit to the gods question, and the players should have done something to build a sense of purpose in their group (which would be their reason to oppose the villain). Instead we're left with "this guy has rancid vibes, kill him and do what he wanted us to anyway."

Second, the PCs’ decisions leading up to this point have annihilated any semblance of tragedy in the narrative. This isn’t a tragedy because that genre rests on eliciting a feeling that the characters deserved better, but the audience nevertheless understands why it turned out this way. That can arise from paying attention to institutional injustices, the allure of cycles of violence, or the development of tragic flaws (strengths causing a downfall). That isn't C3; this is a bunch of trite flaws (selfishness, short-sightedness, pettiness, favoritism, etc.) turning out to be flaws. It would have been amazing if this had been an example of hubris like we saw in EXU Calamity, but each of those main characters were bursting with pride in themselves, their city, and mortality, and while that hubris brought the Lord of the Hells back, they managed to prevent the worst case scenario using the exact same skills and resources. None of that is present here. Bell’s Hells are constantly trying to shift the captain’s hat to someone else, and their ship has been heading straight for rocks for the past 60 episodes. There was no intention to sail into the rocks. It wasn’t their strengths that led to Imogen accepting Predathos; it was the same indecisiveness that has plagued them the entire campaign. They had 118 episodes to build a proper tragedy, and instead we have a story that took hundreds of hours to say that unreliable people shouldn’t be relied upon. The result has been numerous posts hoping for the Hells to suffer all sorts of consequences (TPK, specific player deaths, refusal of aid from the gods) for failing to commit to a course of action. Why? Because then at least there would be some type of cathartic satisfaction that Fucking Around means they’re going to Find Out. It has nothing to do with imaginary people deserving a better ending and everything to do with feeling like this ending would have been more satisfying around episode 50.

These criticisms are not about facets within the story; it's not about whether X character was correct, whether Y fucked up, whether Z plan was the better choice. It's that sometimes people don't land their bit for improv shows, and that is disappointing after seeing skilled storytellers do so well with prior campaigns.

[ephemerensis]

Thinking about academic rival Tim that pisses you OFF. Being top of your class was nothing new for you until he rolled up. He’s absent for more than half the school year, always on TV at some stupid event to help kittens or something, excelling in track and field, and somehow STILL scoring higher than you. And he doesn’t even think it’s a big deal.

The worst part is probably that he sits behind you. Every red Kahoot screen felt so much louder with Tim breathing down your back, and if you dared to risk a glance back he’d just smile at you in annoying consolation. When your papers eventually get handed back he always knows what you got, but he has the nerve to ask in a charade of “being polite.”

“What’d you get?” He’s too nice when he says it, so sincere it feels condescending. You couldn’t lie if you wanted to, and it wouldn’t matter because you know you lost anyway.

“94.” Maybe if you said it more begrudgingly every time he’d get the hint and shut up. And even though you knew you wouldn’t win, you always asked anyways. “What’d you get?”

“Oh that’s good! I got a 98.”

He had to be cheating or something. You couldn’t count the number of times he’d asked you to explain something he missed in class, and somehow he still knew more. It wasn’t improbable, it was impossible. Sometimes you considered feeding him false information, but you felt bad even thinking it. Tim wasn’t a bad person. You were just in denial.

You knew of course, but were still offended, that your one-sided rivalry wasn’t ever his on his mind. Thinking of Wayne Enterprises’ next business venture (or stopping Gotham’s evil forces) occupied him in more depth. This stuff was just normal. So when you stay up extra late to perfect your physics exam and finally score higher than him, he doesn’t even flinch.

“Hey, a perfect score!”

“Yes, what did you get?”

“82 this time, I forgot a few equations.”

It was almost cathartic. That was enough for you. Peace doesn’t come easy, you’d choose it this time. (And quite frankly, there were only so many all nighters you could pull.)

“I won?”

“What?”

“I beat you, I won.”

“I guess so, you’ll have to tutor me next time!”