#probably felt the same thing here
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elementary cookie dough sales were really just mlm schemes for toddlers that shoved the fact that I had no relatives or friends right into my fucking face at 10 yrs old huh
#actually autistic#autistic adult#I would say#very specific experience#but every#military kid#foster kid#child experiencing loss#probably felt the same thing here#can't imagine being a parent dealing with this#how do you explain#to this kid whose so excited about a mlm#winning prizes specifically#that theres no one to call#to ask if they want cookie dough#I don't know why my schools had rules about no door to door#soliciting laws maybe?#but that really drove the chest aching lonely in
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[OLD ART ALERT] A COLLECTION OF SCENES FROM THE GILLIONS CATSCRATCH ARC THAT BROUGHT ME GREAT JOY. i love fishy chips especially when its just gillion being delirious and violent and hostile
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#jrwi riptide spoilers#JUST NOTICED A MILLION MISTAKES FUUUUUUUUCK BUT WWHATEVERRRRR IF I STARE AT THIS ANYMORE IM GONNA HHUURRRLLL#SO I REALLY LIKE FISH AND CHIPS RIGHT. IVE BEEN IN LOVE W THE SHIP EVER SINCE THAT NAT 20 KISS#BUT I THINK I SHIP IT WRONG. OR LIKE. I AM CORRECT BUT EVERYONE SHIPS THEM DIFFERENTLY#THE FISH N CHIPS I SEE EVERYWHERE ELSE IS SO FLOWERY AND SWEET AND ROMANTIC. AND THATS NICE! THAT STUFFS NEAT#but gillion and chip would NEVERRRR enter anything similar to a romantic relationship. chips too damaged and gillions too uninterested#I LIKE MY FISH N CHIPS ONE SIDED AS FUCK#bc 2 gillion chip is his best friend in the whole wide world but hes also kinduvagross little man that took him a MINUTE to really warm up2#but to CHIP gillion is this powerful and gorgeous and heroic paragon of destiny and his best friend in the whole world who will#bring about the eschaton. 'i didnt believe in destiny until i met you' until i met a champion radiating with a light thatll alter the world#OHH REMEMBER THE FIRST ICE ARENA?he was so mad.still probably shaking from the ordeal.NEVER had he felt true divine radiance CLEAVE through#his SOUL like that.do you remember that moment in the forest w the bugs. an alien from the ocean; lacerating the land w lightning#when the realization flickered in chip for a moment.that the thing standing before him was more powerful than he could ever fathom#remember when grizz mentioned that the nat20 kiss was the 'best kiss chip ever experienced'. that has nothing to do w this. where was i.#LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. BUT HEY. I THINK at the beginning chip absolutely knew that gill was smth grand n powerful n scary#when gillion revealed what exactly the prophecy was;chip got defensive and mad.sure he was sleep deprived but OOH. HES SCARED!#he believes gillion too! he believes that his destiny is to eradicate either the sea or land and that scares him!#but then he gets past it bc ultimately he trusts his bestfriend gillion so so much. he fuckin loves this dude.#he would throw himself intothe path of fire for this dude. he would boat across the ocean for this dude.he would build arenas for this dude#even if this dude will end half the world.even if this dude wields the power and the obligation to eradicate him at any second.#even if this dude is going to throw himself into harms way for his own comrades.even if this dude is just going to sacrifice himself.#one way or another one shall die for the other.these self-sacrificial bastards click so well with eachother!!#chip believes his body is best used to pave roads and gill believes his body is destined to pave prosperity.WHATEVER!!#i really love their dynamic!! they care for eachother so much!in MY heart tho. the icing on the cake here is the fantasy that chip is#just a bit more In Love w gillion than he realizes. like this powerful fish guy is HOT and PRETTY and KIND and FUNNY and LOYAL and STRONG#but gillion would never rly feel that same sort of attraction towards chip. its just not rly his thing. aroace as fuck man.#thats how it is in MY little heart atleast. and i sit here and play w my touys in my brain n i explore my silly lil one sided fish y chips.
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I thought Will would like messing with louise sometimes. Louise doesnt seem to like his sense of humor, though.
(Characters are will and louise from @peachnewt 's story, getting in deep !!)
#okay so im gonna say this in the tags cause im too much of a pussy to say it for real#but ive never interacted with any vore communities before#mostly because ive always felt like it was too “weird”. also ive just never found any i was really felt comfortable with#but recently (after literal years of figuring myself out and feeling like i was crazy) ive realised i do actually want to talk to you guys#it probably sounds dumb but finding GID and actually exploring a bit of the community here has shown me#that there ARE people like me. with the same experiences and feelings.#after spending my whole life feeling like a freak. finally meeting people who are just like me#okay that really does sound cringe but you know what i mean right?#idk. ive felt more seen and “normal” about myself in the last week than i have in forever#and i guess i just hope you guys can show me around the place and talk to me about the things that have been stuck in my head for forever#finding this insanely niche community of “nonsexual comfort safe vore” or whatever other terms can be used#has seriously changed a lot for me#and i cant wait to talk to all of you more \:]#gid fanart#will and louise gid
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Connected Timelines Ramble: Backing off my previous 'Geno has an ex' headcanon, what if Dust happened to be that ex? I can see them bonding over shared trauma: surviving a genocided timeline and losing their brothers.
So when Dust eventually came clean about his past, that he genocided his own timeline [and others under Nightmare], even if he felt guilty and wanted to change, the heartbreak and betrayal Geno would have felt was devastating.
Even if it was originally done to stop Chara, the fact that he continued to genocide other timelines was despicable in Geno's eyes. Dust became the very same person he hated, and all Geno could see when looking at Dust was her. He broke it off instantly and Dust respected his decision and never contacted him again.
Given that Nightmare and Dream have now been at peace for decades, they're often invited to the same get togethers. They've never told anyone else about their previous relationship, so they act all awkward around each other and nobody knows why.
#Aavarambles#dustyscarf#Geno x Dust#geno x reaper#afterdeath#geno sans#reaper sans#dust sans#murder sans#utmv#sans#I want to lock them in a room and study their interactions#These two would not work whatsoever but that's what makes it fun#Geno's certainly being a slight hypocrite here as technically tried to do the exact same thing to his timeline in a different way#But he wouldn't see his method as murder as he would Dust's. If anything he'd probably see it as an act of mercy#Even if Dust accomplished his goal to stop the resets and genocides Geno probably would believe there would have been a better way#[Even if his wasn't any better. Plus the Nightmare stuff was just wrong in all accounts which made the situation so so much worse for him.]#Geno won't admit it but now he does have a level of understanding for Dust and maybe even a bit of guilt for how they ended#[More specifically how trapped Dust must have felt under Nightmare initially constantly continuing the cycle with no foreseeable escape]#(even if they're very close now)#But Geno can't get past that initial feeling of betrayal and horror to talk to him again to just be friends#they're absolute worsties#sans au#aftertale sans#dusttale#CTLorebook
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stuff i never finished and why
hello and good night . i'm just gonna ramble about stuff so yeah
swings
oh man i really loved this drawing . but it was a PAIN IN THE ASS .
i had a bunch of problems with this one . i spent an embarrassing amount of time doing the line . then after i started painting it on Ibis paint i realized that i should've done the line with a textured brush .
then the background . i really couldn't make it look nice even if i tried . i spent so long just trying stuff and searching for references but i just couldn't get it right . the colors and the lightning kept looking weird .
and just when it was looking decent , oh no the file is corrupted !!! and if i wanted it back i would have to go through a speedpaint of a drawing that took me 28 hours ( i actually tried it 😭😭 but it was taking so long and after some time the app crashed )
so , i decided to just give up . i was already fed up with it . maybe some day i'll try to redraw it or something
edit : oh wait a second . this drawing makes no sense without the background . edgar looks like that because there's supposed to be a puddle under scriabin's swing and he's trying to get edgar wet with it
otgw x chapter 20 / 21
i just said i loved the other one but THIS ONE . this one is SO PRETTY and i was so excited to try some new brushes and overall just finish this . excited enough to start painting edgar without even finishing scriabin's line .
i was using a small tablet my friend let me borrow . it was actually so helpful because i could draw on my phone with it !! i used to work on this when i was at school .
then i started having problems with the background . again
then my friend told me that his mom didn't agree with him giving me the tablet and that he should give it to his sister instead so i had to give it back . great . at that point i didn't feel like finishing it so
random reference i found in pinterest
this is like a month old maybe ???? i just thought " oh this would be such a fire pfp " and after finishing the sketch i was like " alright i'll finish this tomorrow " ( i never finished it )
mostly didn't finish it because i didn't have any idea to make it look lifeless and tragic . oh well . maybe i'll try it someday i still think it's cool
papa's cheeseria
this one isn't really unfinished . i just wanted to make a doodle sheet but never drew anything else so now he's just there . alone in a blank space . poor guy .
so yeah . everytime i play papa louie's games i always make the workers look like edgar and scriabin . i thought this default outfit looked pretty cool so so i had to draw it
#there's probably more stuff to add here but i lost a bunch of files when i changed my pc :((#also i have another one i really wanted to add but it's oc related so so nope#i tried so hard with the swings one but after some time i just felt like the drawing expired ?????? somehow#like that just wasn't how i used to draw anymore . so i just gave up#the same thing happened with the otgw x 20 / 21 one and it makes me so SAD#i don't even know how that one popped in my head .#one day i just remembered over the garden wall existed thanks to a friend posting some art about it#and idk i just had to draw them like wirt and greg#anyways back to rambling about my life woohoo#i'm i'm doing so bad rn#but let's pretend i'm not . alright#this year will be tough .#vargas#vargas zarla#scriabin vargas#zarla s#edgar vargas#sunny's rambles#sunny's art
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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i hate feeling ambitionless aimless the future is so bleak
#this is about me not the events#i really don't think i have a plan lol and i ever will...#because all through school i had this thing. need to pass this unit test this half yearly this 2nd unit test final exams need to do this#cocurricular activity and the absolute relief when i flipped the report to see i was promoted every year. that was the aim right#now i don't know what's happening#a set set of friends i met everyday sat next to permanent place in the field where we had lunch. like?#it was all so permanent#i knew teachers did not like me or how people there felt about me#and i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i never changed schools#14 years in the same place then one random tuesday it ends everything ends and im supposed to start from scratch#losing friends was all my fault but goddddddf. i used to be good at things#like when i was in 10th grade i gave my everything to studying maths because mom threatened me that if do not get science here we'll change#your school#to wherever you get science#so i studied like crazy did not touch my phone for months and got science#like that is my level of attachment to that place#i just miss it so much probably more than my own home#and i can't belong anywhere because i'm so stuck and nothings good enough and i miss being good and being academically productive#it was my only win i think#this is so sad but i don't think i'll ever get that past work ethic back and it will never be good enough for me to feel good about myself#which can only be through study or work because im a loser who thinks she's worthless if not for a successful career#and I've felt this way for three years now. it is going to be permanent#everything is lonely
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Evan kelmp man that you are ……………..
#the psychosis metaphor. the guard dog nature. it’s not a wound it’s just healed badly. i realize this thing is just here to hurt people and#I think man I know that song and I keep kicking. telling stories that are normal to you to get a worried looks and ppl asking if you’re okay#literally brennans explanation of how evan felt fighting that salamander was so.#this character was created in a lab to make me specifically crazy. and boy oh boy is it working !#I can’t get over aabria referring to his arm as ‘not a wound just healed badly’ and that the only way to fix it is to break it again and k#being so convinced they can help it’s so. I can’t put into words buts it’s so. that’s their whole everything.#evan isn’t broken he’s just healed wrong and people around him can’t or won’t accept that. and it’s coming from a good place (sometimes)#but it has the same effect in the long run which is the reinforcement that he is wrong and bad and needs to change but he CANT bc he HAS#healed. he isn’t carrying around an open wound he has worked on that but that shit never goes away. it’s there forever and it looks wrong an#scary to people and it probably always will but it works#he said it’s different metrics of success I kept the arm and then k tries to fix and he loses the arm. do you understand me.#do you you see. can anyone fucking hear me.#it’s about being so scary to the people you love that your success is still cause for concern and they don’t understand that you’re doing#better !! you are doing good !! I’m not sad anymore he said and it’s. oh god.#anyway mismag makes me feel ill if I think about it too long so I have to stop now#prsnl#mismag#🐦⬛
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I've had both the worst and best year of my life simultaneously and that has been a lot ™️
#like it's been so bad lol#my grandma got super sick and i helped take care of here#which meant i had to make a 3 hour trip to and from jersey twice a week for several months#and then she died which i witnessed and tbh will probably never truly be able to get over#my plans of going to grad school fell through#we dont even need to talk about the fucking election#my body continues to betray me by having my weird undiagnosed medical condition to worsen#and now my teeth are shifting and my hair is falling out at a concerningly fast pace#my mental health is just so bad#but at the same time ive gotten to spend this year with such a wonderful and incredible person who i love with my entire being#and i dont even have the words to describe how wonderful that's been#i have never felt so loved and wanted and safe and protected in my entire life#and ive gotten to do so many cool things because of my girlfriend#it's just so weird to be so so so so incredibly happy yet fucking miserable at the same time#but im glad that ive had my partner to support me through this shit show because i honestly dont know what I'd do without them#life sucks but my god being in love makes it worth it#personal
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yknow i love transmasc/tboy dirk always and forever but the way some ppl treat transmascness vs transfemmeness in HS's narrative........kinda sucks. like the whole thing about how being transfeminine is a literal transient experience and lets the character in question (any character) truly escape the oppression of HS's narrative-as-a-character which is patriarchal and toxic (lord english, hussie-the-character to an extent. i guess. idk ive seen a lotta ppl lump SI-hussie in w/ this), which is great and does hold weight as an analytical lens esp with how hussie irl is nonbinary. but where does this leave transmasc characters. why are we treating (headcanoned) transfemme HS characters like this and then tbh gleefully dooming (headcanoned) transmasc characters to eternal narrative suffering brought by LE and then mocking them for being ''gross tboys'' full of ''icky testorerone'' so its their fault theyre in this perpetual torment really? because they ''''chose to be a man''''? dunno man its starting to feel bad. especially since some bnf's who are really into this fan theory do actually kinda treat the general idea of transmasculinity like somthing to hold with tongs at arms length away from them. as if its alien or infectous or something and then get really mad when equally dysphoric transmascs do the same with feminity. why are we dooming dirk strider to eternal toxic-masculine suffering and what does that say about how we treat real life transmasc folks both in and outside of the fandom
#my t#basically you arent more or less special or deserving of celebration or joy depending on what pronouns you use#and idk yall gender is such a personal thing and your trans experience def does colour the way you look at the world. it def does mine/ours#and i wish ppl on this site would be more honest about that cause holy hell do some of yall treat eachother like dogshit#PURELY on the basis of identity. you are no better than a TERF if you do this. you ARE a TERF if you do this#but like...........can we all at least TRY not to demonize '''the other side''' here#in quotations because theres no '''other side''' in the trans community we're all just trans in different ways#theres just like. yknow#theres a reason why so many tboys and transmasc folks identify with the striders and dirk especially#and theres a reason why *so many* transmascs felt so much joy abt tboy roxy#so many of our lives pre-transition looked and felt like roxy lalondes. so many of us legit forcefully feminized ourselves#bc the alternative was so fucking scary. as you can probably imagine regardless of what flavour of trans you are#theres also a reason why there are so many transmasc fictives named dirk and dave and idk what to tell these ppl abt that#i remember rlly clearly this affectionate joke like a literal decade ago on this site that was like#daves intro dropped and 1mil tboys named dave materialized into existence#dirks intro dropped and 1mil MORE tboys named dirk materialized into existence#i try rlly rlly hard not to get sour at wlw/nblw focused memes that are like#''i made pepsicola better!!! theyre she/theys now :)'' for example#but its getting increasingly harder to ignore when the same ppl who make these memes treat#fans who prefer m/m *bc they themselves are gay* like shit#or like enjoying m/m because theyre mlm is mysogynistic. which it isnt ffs#that shit gives i am uncomfortable when is not about me and i aint here for that#if i were like these ppl maybe id turn all their fave girls into tboys just to spite them#but it wont be just to spite them bc 1) i aint abt that actually. im too fuckin grown for it and 2)#i genuinely just enjoy exploring m/m and masculinity more because i am a trans mlm. its very simple math
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also lowkey it's really fucking fun being kind of excited to finish smth. usually i am TERRIBLE at finishing things bc i hate having something end when it's been taking up a major part of my brain space for a long time i tend to put it off or just never really get around to the last little bit bc it makes me sad. but i'm actually so excited to finish s2 i fucking NEED to know what happens. i wanna see ashe my friend ashe again i wanna unblock whiskey's liveblogging tag theres mackerel fic i can't read yet there's nhw stuff i can't even really think abt until i know how the trickster resolves.. im excited!!! :]]]
#being so srs here bc it's like 12am. hits u w/ the mib mind wipe beam. its so awesome being into a thing at the same time as my beloved#mutuals... last time i felt like this over smth was probably homestuck!! or mcyt!! missed it!! :] ok. mind wipes u. whatever i dont even#care dude im so cool.#pd lb
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i want more wino in my user tag however i am SHY to ask more people…..
#ive been WORSE instead of better on here LMAO like i feel like it’s so annoying to ask people to do these things and also just been feeling#kinda annoying in general like i deleted the selfies of the year from my blog too bc it felt so like. pushy of me IDK it’s so WEIRD bc#i obviously don’t think the same of my friends/mutuals but ofc i hold myself to a different set of (deranged) rules#it’s really not that serious though like it’s tumblr of all things it’s just been interesting to me. things that make you go hmm for sure#well… probably sleeping will fix me so ! adios my sweeties gooooodnight 🫶🏻
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i miss. the vibes of the rpc a few years back
#things just felt more. community based#people interacted more w each other on the dash and it felt like people were really there to interact and not just for a follower count#its probably rose colored glasses in a lot of ways bc thats when i was most active so thats when it was most enjoyable but#idk there was just something ab the days where u could have 50 followers and always be interacting w most of them#these days ill get 200 followers and the same 5 mutuals interacting all the time#and like. huge shoutout to them they know who they are but those people make this site worth being on#its just. idk its tiring when a lot of time is spent yelling into the void that is the dash and getting nothing back#and to some extent timezones r to blame and also my lack of writing but its. its not just a lately thing#its been getting worse for years and i think this is really the first time ive ever been like. not active on tumblr?#like im here but a couple of years ago the idea of me having a main blog and barely ever logging in or writing was absurd#i would be online and writing 24/7 if not here then on discord and wire#bc people were always around to interact with and now its just like. oh weve all grown up and become adults and no one has time#for each other anymore and its very. thats life thats how it is but it sucks idk#maybe this is 2 some extent projection also bc thats how things r irl rn but thats just. tahts not important
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Growing closer than expected (Patreon)
#Doodles#Pokemon#Kabu#Larry#Firebland#Silverstreakshipping#To the shock of no one this is Zarla's fault (lol)#Bad influence! Too inspiring! Stop this! I'm totally not culpable for Being Inspired for the [X]th time now definitely lol#I kept finding little ideas popping into my head with them and I mean if I've already doodled them Once I guess I could try a couple more#Learned them just well enough to keep finding things for them pft#Although I am surprised by just how easy I find Larry to Draw - not necessarily that I'm fully Confident in drawing him yet but like#There's very little struggle to the shapes I put down here and I'm fairly pleased with their configuration haha#Kabu on the other hand!! Why is he so hard to draw!!! What!! Like I know his clothes are complex but no his face!#He's got a really cute and difficult-to-draw face! Why! I cannot figure him out#It's probably the do with the shape and size of his head...his hair........ I really enjoy fluff and he's Kind of but Not Really fluffy??#And his white streaks aren't intuitive to me - but Larry's floofs are??? I don't know#The only thing I can figure it that I Kind Of draw Dexter the same way - Larry's streaks are like an exaggerated version of how I floof Dex#And then a suit is second nature by now but I've already talked about my difficulties with Kabu's clothes lol#Didn't stop me from putting him out front for this hug tho! It's cute... Kabu asking Larry to come play with him but Larry has stuff to do#May or may not have felt a little that way myself - made most of these doodles during Requestober haha so busy!#The brightly shining brilliant glow boyfriend setup-payoff returns ♥ He glows like a fire! Overwhelming!#I still really love that glow cutaway style around the low-bouncing flower haha - just don't draw there and it gives the impression! Fun :)#Hugs <3 Unsurprisingly been in the want of cute fluff and sweetness and hugs were very on the menu#It really is fun to think of Larry being just a Little weird about how much he feels for Kabu#Acting childish as that part of him hasn't had the chance to grow and mature! Stuck awkward and gangly in otherwise full development#Feelings so big and strong and immediate for the first time in too too long <3 Gotta express them all somehow#And ending off with a bit of silliness haha - was Kabu prompting him just to hear such an answer? Who knows ♪#Larry just too straightforward haha - why else would he do or say things unless he felt like it! Pfsh obviously#Haha
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Very confused why they made it that the solstice already passed. Like I hope they have a reason behind it but it really makes no sense to me making him fail the quest
#and also the pearls#are they changing the ‘what matters most in the end???’#percy jackon and the olympians#Percy Jackson#pjo spoilers#idk how I feel about this episode#the percabeth content was on point but the changes didn’t make sense to me#they made Hermes feel genuinely evil when he was one of the decent ones in the books#they took away how they found out about the hotel and did a very tell not show thing that was kinda lame#the whole Hermes being there felt so pointless#would’ve been better to introduce him in season 2 like the books and have his guilt at Luke’s betrayal#they’re probably trying to give hints that Luke is the traitor but having that follow the Charisse revelation was odd and confusing#like they want to hint it but don’t at the same time#idk I’m holding all formal opinions until the season finale but I didn’t like the changes here
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Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.
It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????
#sometimes i feel like a prized 12 point buck and everyone is desperate to give chase so they can skin me and wear my pelt in memorium#the luxury of being seen is rarely extended to those we perceive as confident/constant in their sense of self#the path of being a child who was constantly told i was making people uncomfortable and alienating my peers#only to immediately become an adult who everyone perceives as so together that they are just Like That With Everyonr#brennan said something like this in the disection of a recent misfits and magic episode about sam (character)#and how he (as evan) realized that the charm and specialness she gifts to everyone around her means that no one ever really gifts it back#and how that fundamentally felt transcendent and revelatory for evan as a turning point idea#he'd spent so long never trusting others feelings of care for him that he couldn't see how he was bulldozing right into and over sam's own#insecurities about whether or not she is worth loving or is special in the same way#and then they had some back and forth about like#sometimes when you develop the skill of relateability and pacification#you disappear so deeply into it that no one notices you're gone - even you yourself - until it's too late#it put to words a lot of the like#gap. that i've always felt between me and others. this insistance on elevating or pathologizing me depending on where they feel the need#to be in relation to me#while having absolutely zero awareness of my actual positioning in relation to them#i have found that they way i interact with others seems to give the impression that because i am being 'genuine' and 'open' about myself#that ALSO means that I am sharing the whole of me.#and when i talk about destigmatization and shame and people work really hard to be like. aware of the edges of me to carch me embarrassed#like if they can prove that i don't 'admit' something it's because i'm ashamed as opposed to considering that maybe they don't have the kind#of relationship with me that would warrant the sharing of it#because i'm willing to talk i am no longer allowed privacy or it's treated as incongruous#but like. i am different people for different people and they are all authentically me but they are also about faciliting the version#of the other person that matters to me to be able to spend time with. i'm not going to bring the parts of me that put you in a bad mood#or aren't comfortable/safe for you. also probably not going to put those things out into the open world as a mixed company conversation#i don't know where I'm going or where I came from here but i think the point is just that I think there's melancholy in seeing when#you also don't know a reliable way to be seen in turn
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