#probably came back cause of depressive episode :/

[that-jack-kline-bestie]

I think somethings rlly fucking wrong with me

[astralsys]

random bs go! idk what I'm doing with my life rn

uhhhh memory hasn't been getting better, thought I was progressing with that gonna have to talk about that later w/ -- I've been kinda just not really living things been feeling like a fog or something. I should do something fun to try and connect better... I wanna continue with some games I left un 100%'ed I'll try and do that if I can get some free time things been busy :c

[sickgraymeat]

Why do I have like I feel like I have rapid cycling cyclothymia but it’s REALLY rapid and my lows are too severe? Or like bipolar ii breaking out of its lithium shell but REALLY REALLY REALLY rapid cycling like too rapid??? Tag consensus (me talking to myself) it’s probably the (C & regular) PTSD lol

[reidswhre]

on your shoulder; spencer reid x fem!reader

sumamary: based on the episode of "the office" where pam falls asleep on jim's shoulder!

warnings: pure fluff!! early seasons spencer!

a/n: just a lil reminder that my request are open! you can go and send me some 🫶🏼 also english isn’t my first language, let me know any mistakes.

You loved Aaron Hotchner, no doubt he was an amazing boss, and you had no complaints about him. The problem started when he organized those... little meetings, which, well, could be kind of boring.

And honestly, you hadn’t been sleeping well these last few days either. There was a lot of paperwork left from the cases that had to be dealt with immediately, which didn’t really help your sleep schedule.

Right now, Hotch was giving a talk about... hmm, you weren’t sure. Maybe about victimology or something like that, but you were way too tired to pay attention.

“Hey, you okay?” A voice came from your left, it was Spencer sitting beside you.

“What? Yeah, yeah, of course,” you yawned. “I just haven’t slept well.”

“I figured. You should try to get some rest, not sleeping decreases your attention, concentration, and memory. Plus, it lowers your work performance. It can even cause anxiety or depression,” Reid explained.

Your eyes opened wide. “What?! Depression?! Spencer, no way. I’ve just stayed up late a few nights, I’m fine.” You chuckled and leaned back in your chair, almost looking like you were going to fall out of it.

“It’s okay,” he said, watching you.

He used to take his time watching you, not in a creepy way, at least he hoped not. It was more like you sparked his curiosity, he thought you were really pretty.

He saw you fighting to keep your eyes open, which you were definitely losing. Your eyes were closing, your lashes falling down, and your cheeks had a lovely blush to them that you probably added this morning. You looked beautiful.

Spencer felt your head drop onto his shoulder, and he immediately tensed up. The scent of your shampoo hit his nose, it smelled fresh and sweet, just like you.

He relaxed a little, letting you rest for the remaining part of Hotch’s magnificent meeting.

You opened your eyes after a while, feeling a bit lost. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.” You lifted your head when you realized it had been resting on Spencer.

“Don’t worry about it, it didn’t bother me.” He gave you a small smile, the kind where he kept his lips closed.

You looked around and realized no one else was in the room except for the two of you. “Where is everyone?” you asked Spencer, confused.

“They, uh... well, they left,” he said, looking away. “The meeting ended.”

You gasped in surprise. “What? How long ago?”

“Not long... maybe half an hour,” he said, finally looking at you.

“Half an hour?! Spencer, why didn’t you wake me up?” You could feel the embarrassment filling every inch of your body. You had been asleep on him for more than half an hour?!

“I... well, you—” He stumbled over his words. “You looked comfortable and... you needed the rest, I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Bother me? I was bothering you! I’m so sorry, seriously.” You were too embarrassed to think straight.

“What? No, no, really, it wasn’t a bother at all, never would be.” He gave you a sincere look.

You smiled at this; he was always pretty sweet with you. “Thanks, really.”

He gave you a small smile in response.

“So...” You glanced around the empty room. “What did I miss?”

“You should’ve paid attention,” Spencer teased.

“Very funny, huh?” You rolled your eyes.

Spencer looked at you, and honestly, he loved the idea of having you this close all the time.

[ikamigami]

I hope it makes sense i tried to fit everything in the tags but if you're confused let me know 😅

This is me responding to an ask from raye-6-art (I can’t @ you for some reason, sorry). I would’ve responded normally but thought this was a better way to go about it.

Cuz the Bloodmoon angst was sent, alright? I just kinda didn’t expect it to be that kind of angst (nothing against you, it just didn’t cross my mind), and I don’t know how to blur images in asks, or if that’s even possible, so it’s own post it’ll be.

Dunno if I should say this but continue only if you’re fully sure you can

Trigger warnings for: Hanging, suicide

I don’t actually know what I was expecting when you said graphic Bloodmoon angst, but this certainly exceeded my expectations.

It’s just, sad. Very sad.

I commend you on your way of drawing everyone’s expressions, the terror and shock on Monty and Foxy are evident, the horror from Sun fits his character well, and Jack… Jack looks utterly traumatized, understandable (and more heartbreaking) if this is the au where they’re friends.

The composition of the drawing gives us enough context to fully understand what has happened (besides the warnings) The feelings of guilt are felt through the whole piece.

Very wonderful drawing, it hits us in the feelings and leaves a dull ache as we stare at the scene.

‘He decided his fate. He did the dirty work for them’

I really only have one somewhat negative thing to say, and it’s really not something too important of some fatal mistake you did or anything, it’s just my stupid brain bothering me with details and stuff, and I really don’t intend to offend you or be mean in any way.

It’s just the fact they don’t breathe that keeps throwing me off. Because- well- they’re robots— they don’t need air.

I get what you’re doing and I get this is horrifying and heart wrenching, it really is! I just can’t stop thinking about that, I’m sorry :(

Anyways, this is some very good Bloodmoon angst, you did a wonderful job with it

[galactic-rhea]

The thing with Anakin TCW is that I try to reconcille both "versions" of Anakin, but because I keep in mind that at the end of the day, TCW is a serialized kids show, and he's also a general and in charge of a padawan so he must be really charismatic for that to work (long rambling ahead)

This show came in an era where shows ran long, with very random plots per episode and just very few that advanced "a plot", so characters that are new for the show get more development (since they were at zero), and Anakin with already three movies (technically 6 if we count the original trilogy), a mini series, and a bunch of books and comics, feels more flat for the very short narrative purposes.

The way i see it, TCW can be like seeing Anakin from someone's else eyes, like that's probably how Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and Rex saw him, cocky and sassy and fearless and daring and untouchable and cool and sometimes with anger coming from apparently nowhere, and the movies are the actual "omnipresent" look, we see how actually deeply fucked up and scared Anakin is!

TCW gives like a very pink tinted glasses view of him, a very standarized version of him, since the "otherness" that he has in the prequels was really hated (and with otherness i mean that he acts alienated and tormented, is because of the trauma, but also because he can be so easily read as neurodivergent and/or queer; movie Anakin looks like he might as well be a giant walking target for bullying, so to speak), so TCW Anakin looks like he totally would have never ever been bullied, he's the cool kid.

If I don't constantly keep on mind this is probably Ahsoka's POV, it can be a bit hard to connect, like the last episodes in TCW, when he sees Ahsoka, he's like 2 days before ROTS, and he looks so cheerful and normal and sassy, but then if you look at ROTS, he looks so tired and beaten up and just depressed after that battle. But Anakin, in AOTC and ROTS, in general, is a person that looks like doesn't even want to be there at all, he looks like he would rather turn invisible.

I don't have that many problems with Anakin in TCW except for certain arcs (looking at you clovis), because many things in the show do add to Anakin's narrative and character (or more like, pilling up even more trauma onto him for the big moment), but it's not a complete look because by the point we should see how he's dealing or coping with something the episode ends and the next episode is about something different. TCW is plot focused and there are very little "breathing" moments before the action, and is not very character focused. Which leaves the audience with the task of remembering that whatever happened in the show is another piece of the puzzle that may or may not fit perfectly with the character that was presented on the prequels.

"This episode very painfully reminds you that he was a slave, and he's angry about it, very angry...for one bit of the episode, let's go back to the fun action." It touches it, but it doesn't explore it, if you get what I mean? Like, we can only imagine if he had difficult weeks after that or how even was the conversation after all that whole mess, just as an example.

I agree that Anakin in TCW is a incomplete version of his character, because TCW focuses a lot on the Clones and Ahsoka and other little stories, however I also think it does add lots of stuff to explore, even if the show didn't explore it deeply, but touched on it.

And I understand too why it causes such a division, and why some may prefer the TCW version more, and why some may prefer only the movies version.

I mainly use the movies, and then take from TCW what I feel like it fits/makes sense for him, and shake TCW a little bit if i need to, although i still really love it : D

[eddwardharrison]

MOON HAS THE BIGGEST DOUBLE STANDARDS KNOWN TO TSAMS KIND

Ugh this is for the girlies that wanna rant about the lore… (AS THEY ARE IN THE SHOW, NOT OOC.) keep in mind this is NOT hate by ANY means. This is literally the equivalent to a pop-culture obsessed girly screaming over Love Island because her bitch didn’t get with the man she wanted /SILLY /POS

feel free to debate otherwise, this is an open space and will be maintained respectfully. :3

TW: All canon events including Depression, Su!c!d3, abu$3, etc. (sometimes i switch perspectives as if I’m talking to the characters — don’t mind that…it’s not directed at the reader I promise. <3 )

I HATE MOON WITH A BURNING PASSION. And that may be Eclipse screaming in the BACK OF MY SKULL but Moon makes me want to SET OFF MY LITTLE BROTHER SO HE ELECTROCUTES ME TO DEATH. LORD!!!!!! And I’ll explain why. Currently, I am missing out on ONE singular episode involving Moon and Eclipse that is probably a key factor in all of this, but after months of searching…I do not have it. Thus, my anger may not be fully pieced together, but THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

Old Moon, New Moon, BOTH OF THEM. THEY ARE BOTH ACCOUNTABLE FOR HOW TERRIBLE ECLIPSE TURNED OUT. Instead of working himself to be better after Sun and Moon’s separation, he just decided “ykw a little lobotmy is okay, I’m sure.” And LEAVES Eclipse who is soon to form in Sun’s head. AND IT DIDN’T EVEN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! Moon was still a TERRIBLE brother (albiet, he was working on himself and things were not in his control all the time…ex: Killcode) and caused a LOT of his issues. And then when Eclipse formed he was so consumed by HATE that he took matters into his own hands.

LET’S DISCUSS ECLIPSE’S TRAUMA FOR A SECOND. (YEAH, HE HAS THAT….SHOCKER. Despite his constant denials, he very clearly has it. I’ve been studying this man since I entered this forsaken fandom. /silly) (MOON’S TRAUMA *IS* ECLIPSE’S TRAUMA.)

Imagine you’re Eclipse— before the separation. You and Moon are one person. You share the same feelings, the memories, the actions, the PAIN. You kill kids without WANTING TO, you’re shut out and you’re hated and nobody will help you so you’re SUPPRESSED in your own HEAD, forcing yourself just to BLINK. But, you still CARE about your brother, so you try your damn best not to move for HIS SAKE. You’re giving ALL YOUR ENERGY just to keep this CHILDREN’S BOOK CARDBOARD CUTOUT happy, and what does he give you?? NOTHING BUT AGONY! YOU GUESSED IT! Eventually, your labored sympathy will become hate. You act out, you lose yourself, and now suddenly you’re killing the very kids you just wanted to spend time with. OOPSIE DOOPSIE! OH WELL, THOUGH! A LITTLE BIT OF LOSS HASN’T EVER HURT ANYONE!

Separation day came, your final way out. You get to be SAFE, you get your own BODY, you get the chance to be FIXED, you’ll be ALIVE. YOU’LL BE *YOU*.

And then you wake up

and you realize

you didn’t leave.

You’re still stuck in that same body, unnoticeable, unheard, people are noticing your existence, but brush you off like a small error. You’re not supposed to be there. You knew this, but now other people were saying it too, but not in the way you meant it. You were abandoned by YOUR OWN BODY. This is where thought processes SPLIT. Eclipse is made of very limited parts of code from Sun and Moon, but is mainly depicted as “Moon’s Malice”, a string of code that caused him to be killing all those kids. Naturally, you can’t just stray away from this personality, right? You’re born to do it, it’s all you can think about, it’s all you feel, it’s all you are. Just “Moon’s Malice”. And so Eclipse rightfully played the part, but he wanted to be his own person. Adapting “Eclipse”, forced into a Sun’s body. Can we talk about how HORRIBLE it would be to wake up in your worst enemies BODY?! BODY DYSMORPHIA INSTANTLY! The whole “I’m quite comfortable in this body 🤪” quote from way back when - when Eclipse still had Sun was a LIE. He KEPT IT because he wanted an ADVANTAGE. He wanted REVENGE. He wanted to put Moon through the same amount of pain when HE LOST HIM BY MAKING HIM LOSE SOMEONE ELSE! YIPPIE! Not only that, but the bottled up trauma, anger, and hate that SUN CAUSED because of his HOGGING ASS KEEPING HIM AND MOON SUPPRESSED for so long, and he STILL isn’t free from that even as Eclipse. Eclipse at this point has spent his ENTIRE LIFE suffering under Sun and now he’s just being resourceful! So, he sends them a couple traumatic places yada yada he does his little dancy dance. He gets his own body, hunting for the star, yada yada yada.

AT ANY TIME POSSIBLE, MOON AND SUN COULD’VE GONE “hey, let’s make this work. Let’s help Eclipse. Let’s have a whole family.” Of COURSE Eclipse would DENY IT?! THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? Let’s put that very same sentence in a way that Eclipse sees it. “Hey, Eclipse. Apologize for being a monster even though I’m the one that abused you for several years.” BRO???? I WOULD DECLINE TOO??? H-H-H-HELL NAH!!!

Let’s quickly take a look at Eclipse’s actions against Lunar — specifically, his lash out. Was he terrible for that?! Abso-fucking-lutely. BUT LET’S ALSO COMPARE AND CONTRAST TO MOON JUST REAAAL QUICK. Moon regularly did this kind of stuff REPEATEDLY, whether it was verbal or physical, direct or indirect, SHIT HAPPENED A LOT AND IS IMPLIED TO HAVE BEEN WAAY WORSE BEFORE-SHOW. Because Eclipse is a SINGULAR STRAND OF MALICE-CODE, HE’S OBVIOUSLY GOING TO RETAIN THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE QUALITY. But you know what ELSE happened during that day? Eclipse walks away, goes to a pillar and considers APOLOGIZING. Did he? No. Is he bad for that? Of course. You will NEVER hear me say “Eclipse is a good person”, BECAUSE HE’S NOT. You’d have to be a MORON to consider that. HOWEVER, he can be UNDERSTOOD and RELATED TO. The path he went down is often a COMMON ONE FOR REAL FUCKING PEOPLE WITH PTSD. TO LASH OUT WHEN TRIGGERED! TO BECOME WORSE THAN BETTER. CAN YOU EVEN BLAME HIM??? As stated by MOON HIMSELF, Eclipse is INCAPABLE of growing and learning as a person. You wanna know why?! HE’S A SINGULAR STRING OF MOON’S FUCKING MALICE YOU MOLDY RAT CONGESTED WITH DISEASE. He IS incapable of it and to HELP HIM he needs help with his PROGRAMMING. YOU BUFFOON. Though not given the time to see if Eclipse would repeat these actions against Lunar again, he (as of our knowledge) hasn’t. Moon has done it over and over again and Sun is /still/ traumatized from the Old Moon’s actions when Lunar got over it ages ago. LUNAR IS CHILD CODED…LUNAR SHOULD STILL BE THE TRAUMATIZED ONE. Moon had FAR MORE of an IMPACT than ECLIPSE DID.

This is why Eclipse’s “redemption arc” only came after RUIN CREATED HIM. HEY GUYS!! I CRACKED THE CODE!!!! ECLIPSE V4 ISN’T REDEEMED BECAUSE HE SUDDENLY WANTS TO BECOME A GOOD PERSON, HE’S BECOMING MORE CALM, COLLECTED, AND RATIONAL BECAUSE HE’S NOT /THAT SINGLE STRING OF MALICE CODE ANYMORE./ He HAS other coding, he’s built from the GROUND UP BY RUIN HIMSELF. Ruin has basically GIVEN HIM the ABILITY to THINK THROUGH MORALS. HE IS /FAR/ MORE COMPLEX NOW. SOMETHING MOON COULD’VE DONE FROM DAY 1!!! BUT NOOOO…

Let’s all step back for a minute. Because Hate, is exhausting. Having an existence with nothing but anger is a very tiring thing. Eclipse becomes depressed as we see a few weeks coming into the Two Parter death of Eclipse. He gets tired, he ends up wanting to just give up and DIE and let the star literally eat him alive, and then he gets that vision of armageddon. AND THEN— SOMEHOW, FOR SOME REASON, HE GOES TO WARN THEM! EVEN WITH HIS IRRATIONAL TACTICS, HIS MALICE BASED CODE, HE /WARNS/ THEM. I cannot express to a normal human being how important that one selfless act is when it comes from someone who only knows how to be selfish. AND YOU KNOW WHAT MOON DOES?! HE KILLS HIM. HE CALLS HIM A LIAR. AND HE FUCKING KILLS HIM. /WITH/ HIS REPLACEMENT WATCHING. HE WAS REPLACED. BY SOLAR.

I love Solar ‘n all

BUT I’VE ALWAYS HATED SOLAR FOR ONE, ONE SINGULAR REASON. HE WAS PUT THERE BY MOON, SUN, AND LUNAR TO /REPLACE/ ECLIPSE. SO THEY COULD BE A HAPPY FAMILY WITHOUT THE WORK. SO THEY DIDN’T /HAVE/ TO HELP ECLIPSE AND THEY’D JUST LET HIM FUCKING DIE SOMEWHERE. I am so TICKED OFF BECAUSE OF THEM. EARTH IS /EVERYTHING/ TO ME BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE’S BEEN DOING FOR ECLIPSE.

EVEN SOLAR FLARE UNDERSTOOD ECLIPSE MORE THAN MOON. THEY’RE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. THE SAME. PERSON. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

This is where shit gets so funny.

Throughout all of this, old moon DIES. HE DIES FOR /KILLCODE/ SO THAT /KILLCODE/ CAN HAVE A REDEMPTION. FUCKING. KILLCODE. THE MAN THAT SHOWED NO SIGNS OF BECOMING A GOOD PERSON UP UNTIL IT WAS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION. THE MAN WHO HAS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR HIS VILLAINY OTHER THAN JUST BEING A KILLCODE. WHICH IS FAIR, BUT ITS NOT TO BE COMPARED WITH ECLIPSE. So the very thing ECLIPSE /NEEDS/ is given to someone WHO DOESN’T EVEN DESERVE IT. But, Moon is Moon. So…self righteous even though he’s horrible and terrible and I HATE HIM.

NEW MOON COMES IN! REMEMBER WHEN /EVERYONE/ IN THE FANDOM WAS LIKE “YAAAY NEW MOON. OLD MOON SUCKS. OLD MOON KINNIES DNI. IF YOU LIKE OLD MOON YOU’RE A BAD PERSON.” N YADA YADA. It wasn’t this radical, but it was everywhere. I saw it in a bunch of posts and it drove me insane. (I do love old moon, and I’ve always preferred him over new moon (nexus)) Like — EVERYONE just decided “well he’s a blank slate now, so whatever! x3” while also completely ignoring the fact Old Moon /was/ improving, and his sacrifice WAS a great deed and very selfless. Eclipse has always gone through the same thing, at times you could barely even mention him because there were Lunar fictives roaming around who’d get PTSD from it. (Which is valid. This is not to discriminate systems at all.)

BUT ECLIPSE HAS ALSO HAD THESE SAME GLIMPSES OF LIGHT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. From “I should apologize” to Sun and Moon finding out how much pain Eclipse was in to Solar Flare’s talk to “I’m tired.” to The Warning to his numerous deaths, to the (my speculation of) Eclipse’s attempt #1 to Eclipse’s attempt #2 to Eclipse freaking out and contacting Moon that he wasn’t supposed to be alive and something was wrong, to Eclipse making amends to Eclipse helping on his own desire, to Eclipse hanging out with Earth regularly (which he used to belittle her and insult her. He has CLEARLY changed.), to Eclipse being literally beaten up in a podcast and framed for numerous unspeakable things, to Eclipse BRINGING BACK SOLAR to Eclipse just leaving. The amount of times people could have seen ANY SIGN was IMPOSSIBLY DRASTIC AND LENGTHY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID?? CONTINUED TO BELITTLE HIM AND KILL HIM. Eclipse only actually killed ONE character of importance, which was Lunar. (Which like oh my god dude but he did stab you in the back first…i guess…still…still fucked up…i cant defend you other than saying “it was really funny”.)

TELL ME. TELL ME WHY MOON GOT HIS REDEMPTION SO FUCKING EARLY WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE AND ECLIPSE HAS JUST BEEN FUCKING NEGLECTED?! MOON GOT TO GET AWAY SCOTT FREE, OLD MOON AND NEW MOON. EVEN THE NEW MOON ENDED UP BECOMING NEXUS AND TRIED TO KILL HIS FAMILY. WOWIE! WOWIE WOWIE DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!! AND NOW OLD MOON IS BACK AND STILL EVERYONE IS JUST /HAPPY/. Moon has arguably had a BIGGER, MORE REPETITIVE, AND DEEPER impact traumatically when he lashes out. All Eclipse truly did was to LUNAR and then sending Sun and Moon on wild goose chases and races towards the star. Eclipse WON that star too and did NOTHING with it. BECAUSE HE’S FUCKING DEPRESSED!! AND HE HAS THAT RIGHT. Moon is AWARE that EVERYTHING is HIS FAULT. He has ACKNOWLEDGED THIS, YET HAS DONE NOTHING BUT MAKE IT WORSE. Moon is a VILE, SELFISH BROTHER. Not just to Sun, but to ECLIPSE. THEY’RE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. You can’t just say “i hate myself….:emo:” EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW HATES THEMSELF BUT YOU COULD AT LEAST HELP THE FUCKING ORANGE VERSION OF YOU FIND A FUCKING COPING MECHANISM OTHER THAN REVENGE?? He’s been TAME SO MANY TIMES, SO MANY VULNERABLE POINTS and they NEVER TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT TO HELP HIM. You can’t just try to help a person ONCE and then DROP THEM. That’s NOT HOW HEALING FUCKING WORKS. YOU /CONTINUE/ TO PRY, YOU STOP THEM FROM DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS, YOU STAY WITH THEM. LEARN FROM SUN YOU DIMWIT. ECLIPSE NEEDED YOUR HELP SO MANY TIMES AND YOU JUST STOOD THERE AND CALLED HIM A MONSTER??? YOU DESERVED TO WATCH SOLAR DIE. YOU CAN’T JUST REDEEM YOURSELF AND LET THE OTHER YOU WITHER LIKE FUCKING PAPER IN WATER YOU COURT JESTER. YOUR JOKES AREN’T FUNNY, THEY MAKE ME WANT TO RIP THAT FOOL’S CAP OFF YOUR HEAD AND STUFF IT INTO YOUR ESOPHAGUS.

NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND ECLIPSE’S ANGER THE WAY I DO.

😇

I am so unhealthy about this man.

anyways, thoughts? Sorry if this is a little messy, it just kinda happens…letting out my inner alpha and all..🐺🐺🐺

(believe it or not this is actually not all of it, this is just on one idea.)

Once again noting this is all light hearted, just being wrapped up in the acting and how much I can understand a character and feeling personally obligated to stand up for him. Eclipse has touched my heart in a way nothing else has, and I will continue screaming about him until I wither up and die. Everyone can have different perspectives and ideas, this is what I see. AND I SEE INJUSTICE!! /silly

[rexecutioner]

Every time I remember that it’s been about 3 years since Vylad has seen Travis and Aphmau in person (and by extension his brothers but this is a Not Alone Buddies post) it makes me genuinely so sad. The last memories he has of them are quick snippets and the rest are from when they were in high school. He’s like canonically 28. That’s got to fuck with his brain a little bit once he sees them again and they look (and probably act) completely different after Season 6.

These two are his best friends. I know they don’t canonically hang out on screen very often, but the Not Alone Buddies title has to mean SOMETHING to them. In a post 6 mini-game, Travis mentions that he is currently in contact with Vylad and will tattle on Garroth to him after Garroth forgets about Vylad when bringing up siblings, and Aphmau and Travis immediately start mentally correcting Garroth on his mistake of only mentioning Zane.

That action alone makes the found family lover in my heart happy. When Vylad’s own brother forgets about him, the other Not Alone Buddies are there to correct him immediately, even after so long of a time passes without seeing Vylad in person. They all care about each other, which makes me believe it would hurt so much more when they all see each other together for the first time since Season 1.

Poor Vylad has so much to catch up on. Werewolf brother? His other brother can’t remember his name anymore? Weird patches of empty space in his memory that came out of nowhere? I think that is a lot of changes to process (being an affair child in an all Ro’Meave family in Minecraft had to have caused some relationship strains on their own, not even considering that Zane and Vylad have a more tense relationship canonically, and if we go off of MCD logic to fill in the gaps, well..) added to the fact that both of his only close friends nearly died multiple times, and that countless people DID die, including Travis’ dad, his only family left.

My heart aches when thinking of their reunion. Vylad just got into town and caught up with his brothers and mom, having to process that his best friends are both still in the hospital with almost no explanation other than “it’s nothing you need to worry about, also we legally aren’t allowed to tell anybody”. When his Buddies are finally back in town after months of recovery, they are so different from what Vylad remembers.

Travis’ eyes weren’t always grey, they were an unusual shade of green not possible naturally. Aphmau is also a Werewolf now, and both Not Alone Buddies are plastered in unusual scars unexplainable by his limited knowledge of the situation. They both seem less cheerful and more depressed due to Aaron’s conditions and Terry’s death. Vylad hates that he missed so much, and while he knows there was nothing he could do to help, it hurts him to see the ones he loves in pain.

Jess NEEDS to bring him back season 7. He cannot just have no closure. I don’t give a fuck what kind of trips he was on, I’m pretty sure if you got the news that everyone you know and love almost fucking died you’d return home, too. Vylad has two main characters for siblings, and even if Jess forgets that she made Vylad a Not Alone Buddy too, he at least needs to get to see his brothers on screen. I can NOT rate S7 over a 7/10 if Vylad isn’t even mentioned. I’ll consider giving it a 10/10 if he appears for more than four episodes this time around lmao

[brettanomycroft]

Signals from Somewhere Else

After episode 22 of Protocol, there’s one thing (okay, maybe two things) that everyone is going to be talking about. But I don’t want to talk about that thing (yet. Okay, I lied, it might come up). Instead, I want to dive into some of the implications of this week’s case and how they might relate FR3-D1 [Error], and even Isaac Newton.

Spoilers for TMAGP episodes 21 and 22 below the cut. CW: we’re gonna talk about the brain stuff; probably overuse of the words “fleshy” and “wet” by I blame AJN for that.

Our case in this episode, graciously recounted by Peepaw Augustus, focuses on real-life German psychiatrist and neurologist Hans Berger, whose work led to the invention of the EEG and furthered our understanding of how brainwaves work. The experiment described in the case mirrors actual experiments that Berger completed while working at the University of Jena, including experimentation on a subject with a deformity that allowed easy access to the brain and the placement of silver wires under the scalp to measure electrical activity. Even Berger’s disappointing initial results seem to be in line with history.

Like in real life, the cosmic horrors of this case begin when Berger takes a little depression nap.

The description of “an ocean, deep and unforgiving… full of dark secrets” creates a striking image to be sure, but what’s more interesting to me here is what he recalls next: the “radio signals, invisible and unknowable.” Berger laments that it’s a “shame these two things would never meet,” and then proceeds to enable such a thing to happen, whether he realizes it or not.

He wakes up and is immediately “inspired” to alter the setup he is using to record Herr Schmidt’s brain activity. While Berger is unable to explain how he came up with the idea (we could tell him: it was The Horrors, bud), he transforms his recording device (an early version of an EEG) into a two-way wireless telegraph, using poor Herr Schmidt’s brain as the receiver for the very radio waves that, perhaps, were never meant to make contact with the world below. Berger sent a politely phrased request into the void, and the void screamed back.

Who or what was on the other side can only be guessed at. Was it John/Martin/Jonah, individually or Frankensteined into some horrid chimerical conscience (please read this great post and have your heart broken like me)? Was it The Fears of the Archives-verse, recombined and tossed about like naughty pears in a pear wiggler? Or was it something or someone else entirely? I’m leaning towards JMJ, in parts or as a whole, specifically because I suspect that Hans Berger’s strange (and wetly explosive, thanks Alexander J. Newell) discovery provides a clue to how [Error] and possibly FR3-D1 operate.

Let’s start with [Error]. Here’s what we know about them so far:

They were locked up in tunnels or a basement space under the Archivist’s office at the Manchester Magnus Institute

Something about them causes people, dead and alive, to recount their fears or horrible things that have happened to them (I am not using the word compel here, even though it is used in the transcript for episode 21, and that is on purpose)

They seem very invested in getting the entire story out (this is, admittedly, speculation, as it’s unclear as to whether “THERE IS MORE” is in reference to more victims or more of Gwen’s story)

They have some really weird dogs

I’ve seen a lot of folks speculate that [Error] is or was the Head Archivist in the Protocol universe, and I’ve also seen a lot of folks speculate that [Error] is or was John (and therefore also The Archivist). I think either of these could be true, but more than anything, I think [Error] is a high-powered antenna with the ability to turn the people around them into speakers. Or maybe Speakers? I do love a good capitalization.

What if the “esteemed brethren” of The Magnus Institute were all too aware of the unusual results of Berger’s experimentation, and hoped to tap into the unusual consciousness(es) floating around in the radio waves and ether of the universe by creating their own version? Perhaps they thought they could create a direct conduit (think almost like a psychic medium) through a person, someone who might be able to communicate with whatever is out there and be able to relay its/their esoteric knowledge to help further the Institute’s goals of “Universal Transmutation.” We know already that the Institute was interested in doppelgangers and perhaps alternate universes and that they had a lot of irons in the fire (the Millenium Dome, the gifted child programme, Welling’s Mutare Materia research program, the various outreach centres), so it would hardly be surprising if they were also experimenting in communicating with “the beyond” to try and gain more knowledge.

And maybe it worked. Maybe they were able to create or transmute someone into an antenna, capable of receiving these strange signals, except these mixed signals were too powerful and ultimately took over. Perhaps [Error] is the natural consequence of who or whatever was speaking to Berger finally getting “OUT.” And if who or whatever was speaking to Berger happened to include the fractured consciousness of a hungry Archivist, well then, we have an interesting case for [Error]. [Error], whether or not they were an/The Archivist in this universe, could now be directed by the desires of The Archivist, channeling The Archivist’s thoughts and abilities but with a power greater than that we ever saw in John (or, perhaps, the same power but completely unrestrained by his remaining humanity). Or [Error] could be channeling The Fears themselves, bringing parts of them through not unlike they were brought through in The Magnus Archives.

Either way, I doubt that creating a connection between whatever was out there and the physical world led to the results the Institute was hoping for.

[Error] is receiving the signal to feed, but the signal coming through is so loud and so powerful that instead of politely asking to snack on some horror stories, coming into contact with them instead allows them to pick up on a person’s horrible experience and forces them to broadcast it to the world. It’s possible that, upon creating [Error] or losing control of [Error], those at The Magnus Institute locked them up and cut them off from the dangerous signal they were receiving… Sam accidentally poking a big hole in the floor (and the alchemical signals inscribed in it) could have reestablished the connection between [Error] and the force guiding them.

Now let’s talk about FR3-D1. We know that FR3-D1so far is that it

Is a “bespoke” internet software developed sometime in the mid-90s, apparently designed to search the internet for spooky stuff

Has German source code

Crashes, constantly, much to Colin’s dismay (? Or maybe he’s helping those crashes along to stop it from listening in… but that’s a theory for another time)

Has, within the last year or so of Sam joining the O.I.A.R., started running a text-to-speech program that reads certain cases out in one of three voices, two of which are familiar to anyone who has listened to The Magnus Archives

Occasionally has some unusual .JMJ errors

Seems to be “targeting” Sam with specific cases related to The Magnus Institute

Is believed to be “listening in” by Colin, Alice, and Sam (which is supported by what we know as the audience)

Has been working “better” since Colin has been on mandatory mental health leave

May have some connection to the Stasi, the secret police force of Communist East Germany before the fall of the USSR

Is assumed (by us as the audience) to have some kind of sentience

There are some other items (notably the spreadsheets found in the ARG that appear to be from or connected to FR3-D1and the emails Sam and Gwen have received) that could be connected to FR3-D1 but have not yet been confirmed. Yet aspects of FR3-D1 do seem to share some commonality with [Error], namely a level of sentience and the ability to locate the stories of people who have had horrifying supernatural encounters.

My speculation here is that FR3-D1 and [Error] were both constructed using the same premise or with the same goal in mind: to receive and channel the signals of entities or consciousnesses existing in or coming from “Somewhere Else”: FR3-D1 through a supernaturally or alchemically conceived software program, and [Error] through a supernaturally or alchemically conceived transmutation on a living human.

If this proves to be the case, then the results seem… distinct, albeit with the potential to be equally dangerous. FR3-D1 is more “controllable” and could potentially be better able to separate out the signals being received, manifesting as “Augustus,” “Chester,” and “Norris.” Now these “three” could still be part of homunculus-esque JohnMartinJonah consciousness, but perhaps the computer program is a little more stable and delineated than the fleshy wet mess of the human brain, and therefore what remains of each individual consciousness is able to act more distinctly and independently. In contrast, [Error] (and their fleshy wet mess of human brain) is receiving the signals all mixed and jumbled together, with no failsafes to keep them from “overloading” or being entirely taken over by The Horrors or JMJ or The JMJ Horrors. Given their spectral descriptions, it’s possible that fleshy human brain and body couldn’t take it anymore and, pun intended, gave up the ghost.  

[Error] could be, in some ways, a bodiless, mindless soul acting on a confused mess of instinct and hunger; FR3-D1 is then, perhaps, the elevated mind, in (more) control but disconnected from a body and perhaps from a soul. Given the heavy influence of alchemy in The Magnus Protocol and the importance in alchemy of the number three, the Tria Prima, and the balance of mind, body, and soul, there may be a third entity we have yet to meet who, like FR3-D1 and [Error], are tuned into these signals from beyond and is eager to reunite with the rest… or perhaps FR3-D1 and [Error] are looking for a body of their own to inhabit and find balance (Sam, anyone?).

I feel like I myself am beginning to mix the signals I started with, but before I attempt to wrap this up, I do briefly want to throw one more piece of spaghetti on the wall, because I think it’ll wind up being something: the mention, specifically, of the silver wire the Berger used in his experiment.

It was Dr. Caton who recommended that Berger use the silver wire, as silver is known for being an effective conductor of electricity. Silver also holds importance as one of the seven metals of alchemy and as a possible base metal in the creation of a Philosopher’s Stone. Perhaps equally important here is that the Diana’s Tree, also known as the Arbor Philosophorum, is created using a solution including silver (or more accurately, silver nitrate) and mercury (one of the elements in the Tria Prima)… yep, the (sort of) same spooky tree created by Newton in TMAGP 19, where Newton gave his dog an existential crisis and Robert Hooke was like “burn it all down.” The conclusion we could draw here is that silver is used in both TMAGP 19 and TMAGP 22 to connect organic life to the unseeable Knowledge of some other plane… with potentially disastrous effects.

Whether it ends up being the case that FR3-D1 and [Error] are big antennas wirelessly receiving The Horrors or I’m totally off base, it seems pretty clear that Hans Berger “tuned in” to an unusual—and dangerous—signal, and what’s more, enabled that signal to connect with the Protocol world in a way that likely never should have happened.

[wrinkly-fucking-qtip]

Mickey vs I Love You

Against popular opinion, I do believe Mickey's "I love you" in 5x06 was the first time he ever said it. Let me explain.

His type of hesitancy with the phrase is not that of fear out of someone listening. No. It seems to me, he noticed Svetlana was in his shared space after he says "I love you" and does a double take when finishing the voice note with "call me back." While I do like to think that he could've said his first "I love you" somewhere within the aftermath of 4x11 and early s5, the only reason I don't think that is because it feels too easy... I think Mickey was too in his head in the aftermath, thinking of how fucked this all turned out. The baptism, the coming out, the brawl, them returning home to wash themselves clean, the sex (implied because they wake up naked together the morning after) it's too much...

Such an admission would be lethal for his brain chemistry at the moment. "I love you" is the peak of vulnerability, where he already is painfully aware of everything he has endured, on top of being completely aware of his feelings to the point of unease, like clothes sticking to your skin. Suddenly you know the shirt there, even though it always has been, just subtly.

I believe that during these times, Ian was probably "comfortable" with saying it. Sparingly. Again, it's too much, it's all too real, and even though Mickey literally sacrificed his life that night, a huge call to action due to the ultimatum, he let fear be his enabler. For saying "I love you," though... it's too close. He can do everything else, a man of action as he always is, and saying things like "what you and I have makes me free" which, you could argue is MORE of a big deal, Mickey chooses very specific words, and they all mean too much coming from someone like him with such awful background, and that's where his comfort lies. Letting Ian know about his feelings through actions, not the words. And knowing how much Ian loves to use them, words, he knows the weight behind them. It's still too much and he feels it.

Not long after, Ian's depressive episode is in full effect. How could he ever find the chance to say those words? Ian is practically paralyzed, and the events from the night before are still fresh, and now he has to process this entirely new thing? Too much yet again. I said earlier how Ian would say "I love you," but very sparingly. I like to think the first time he said this to him, maybe early s4-s5 transition, once the depressive episode cessed, Mickey had the same silent reaction Lip did when Mandy said it to him, but for entirely different reasons. It's like his entire world became this miniscule thing within the pools of his heart, and Ian could read his expression instantly. It wasn't a silence of rejection, he was almost in awe.

And some sick part of me wants to think if he gets scared because he knows there's been strange behavior on Ian's end, that of course, he doesn't understand to its capacity, and maybe Ian says this as a result of that, or if he does know Ian wholeheartedly means it, he loves this boy, as much as Mickey loves him, but still unable to vocalize it. Would he be able to discern between the two?

"You don't have to say it back" spoken in a whisper. Mickey still lost in Ian's eyes. They probably hold each other. Ian acknowledged this dazed boy before him. He knew what the words meant. Jumping back to the "you love me, and you're gay," he was done imposing his feelings onto Mickey, done projecting (not forever, but for a while). Mickey can do this on his own terms, when he feels he can, when he deems it ok to feel it all at once, recognize that everything is, in fact, all too real. And the moment came, although bittersweet.

Cause Ian wasn't there face to face to hear it, he left, and he was manic, the possibility of loosing him due to some negligence suddenly being too real. Familiar even. Things that became too much all of a sudden. So why now? Because the stakes are somehow higher this time. The fear of the unknown is higher. Mickey is dealing with a version of Ian he can barely recognize. When in 4x11, he already knew what he could lose, and his odds against Terry, he already knew what he was going to deal with, as much fear that overcame him, he knew. This? This he does not know.

And I'm thinking about the fact that so much has happened now, this slow, gradual observation of Ian losing himself, Mickey might think that it's now or never. Maybe an "I love you" is enough to snap Ian out of it? Saying it because he has no clue of Ian's whereabouts, and with extreme thinking, that he probably may not see him again for some time, the same way 3x12 happened. And it's like the words come out like a punch to the gut even though his brain doesn't know those words came out. Just look at his face. That's a legitimate face of hesitancy of admission. (courtesy of ajcrowleys)

Everything became too real again, and this one big word couldn't be held back any longer. He hears himself say it, finally admitting what he knew was true all along, just like a shirt. But who knows if Ian heard the voice mail. I think yes, at some point... maybe... but it breaks my heart.

I'd definitely would like to know other opinions, I have so much to say about Mickey's "I love you's."

[fandoms-in-law]

I've not seen it spoken about much, but Edwin has a level of superiority over the suffering he's survived for most of the series that he only really faces head on in Simon.

With the ghosts he meets Edwin is compassionate, but detached pretty much all the time except with Charles after he realises the abuse his best friend had gone through, and with Simon.

With Crystal, he's seen that comparing suffering faced causes more hurt but she lashes back, calls him out on it and dismisses him, which even though it's not just because of it I bet Edwin wondered if it was punishing him, just like he did to her in the first episode, refusing to let him help after her nightmare.

With Charles, Edwin is a lot more invested in him, in wanting to help him through this pain he'd never known Charles still carried. So Edwin is validating the suffering now, acknowledging that this is trauma that he needs to help heal, and given the moments addressing it come after Crystal's nightmare, he doesn't mention hell, or do anything close to comparing openly as he would around friends. Because yes, mentioning Hell freely, in scoffs and dismissals only around friends if Edwin's way of reclaiming it, but he's now accepting that there are times to avoid doing so for others benefit too.

And then comes the scene with Simon, probably the person he has most reason to hate, or judge the suffering of, as Simon's the one who caused Edwin to go to hell.

That scene in Hell, and the one with Depression, are pivotal moments with Edwin but I don't think it's acceptance that homosexuality isn't sinful as much as it is realisation that he can't compare suffering or pain.

This is his killer, the boy who sacrificed him, and Edwin has been able to access his part of hell, which I don't think is normal. He knows only people who've been in hell can see the souls in the different parts, explains it to Charles when they're leaving, but didn't expect to meet someone he knew there.

Simon even calls him a vision to torment him, or something similar. Hell doesn't give people reprieves from torture, it just makes them the torture for somebody else and that's what Edwin figures out while meeting Depression. His reactions were increasing her power in the situation

And yes, the note in the bottom of the page stuns Edwin, shocks him that even back then, someone had noticed him, wanted him

But also it expands just what Simon's torture is from papercuts, practically shredded fingertips from tearing the pages out, to emotional as well.

That's when Edwin says that holding onto guilt or fear makes everywhere hell (I'm paraphrasing anything cause I'm tired), he acknowledges that hell isn't the same for him and Simon but that doesn't change the amount they suffer.

All the posts I've seen like to focus on the gay, the homosexuality acceptance and closure here, but Edwin's journey to see everyone's suffering as different and valid without comparison to his hell was the bigger thing in the scene for me.

He has suffered immensely and unjustly, but he held himself detached under the belief that meant anyone else's suffering was lesser, wasn't as valid. Now he's accepted that isn't the case.

And honestly, yes, can't deny that Edwin saying homosexuality isn't wrong was likely the part that enabled Simon to reach the nicer afterlife, it was also the fact Simon's suffering wasn't judged lacking. The headmaster came and it turned out to just be Edwin, saying he could go.

[nicomundthered]

Blood Runs Cold

Injured Trilogy- part one | part two | part three

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

summary: you save Ellie, but not yourself.

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, this one is angsty, blood and descriptions of injury, I'm not a doctor, also don't know a thing about nature apparently, established relationship, happy family, drowning, fear of water, way more spice than intended it just happened- though nowhere near explicit.

word count: 10k | ao3

a/n: had to edit this twice and tbh I just need it finished, so please forgive the mistakes. part three might take a little longer...I’m having quite the anxious episode but enough of that, hope you enjoy!

masterlist

It took a while for you to recover, but you had. Well for the most part. Your hand was the only lingering problem. 

The doctor had done what she could for it but without the proper technology and equipment–even after the mostly successful surgery, it would never be the same again.

You had diligently followed the physical therapy exercises she gave you and weeks later, you could now make a fist and your grip strength was improving. The process was long and if you were being honest you were getting impatient. You were just thankful that it was your non-dominant hand because it was still frustratingly weak and uncoordinated in comparison. The doctor had confirmed that it would probably always feel that way. You'd be lying if you said that that didn't upset you, not that you weren't grateful to be alive–it just really sucked. 

Joel was different though. While you were a little depressed and frustrated, Joel seemed to be almost obsessing over it. He would inspect it every morning, seeing how the two deep scars from the surgery were healing. Then he would ask a couple times a day if you had completed your exercises. And he was also overly protective of it. He'd fuss anytime you picked up anything or when you'd tell him that you were ready to go back to work. The two of you argued over it quite heatedly more than once. 

One day, a couple weeks ago now, after he finished his patrol he returned his gun and gear, and checked in with Tommy for the next day's schedule. 

Tommy and Maria were in a deep discussion and when they saw Joel, Tommy bowed his head and Maria straightened, both looking extremely suspicious.

“What happened?” Joel asked concerned. He somehow knew it was about you.

Maria admitted that due to your tenacity, she had put you on light cleaning duties. That you had begged to have something to do, and that after a couple of hours you had grown frustrated from the weakness in your hand, which had cramped causing you to drop a plate. It shattered all over the ground and when you could only use your good hand to pick up the small pieces, it had sent you over the edge. 

You didn't listen to anyone and you'd picked up the sharp pieces using only one hand and it had cut you up. You did so with tears in your eyes and then you left without saying a word, hand covered in blood.

He quickly left, hurrying to you as fast as his feet would carry him.

When he came home he found you in your shared bathroom. You didn't hear him enter and were focused trying to pick out the small ceramic pieces that were lodged beneath your fingertips. 

You had been attempting to fish out the pieces for just under an hour now and your hands were shaking. You could barely work the tweezers due to the slick blood and your hand was cramping. Speaking of, it was properly hurting now–which it hadn't been for weeks now.

“Baby?”

You jumped, dropping the tweezers and cursing. You grabbed the hand towel and tried to cover your hand but he was quicker. His body came up behind yours and he placed both arms on the sink, trapping you in place, eyes making contact in the mirror.

“Let me see,” he said, leaning down, breath hitting your neck.

“It’s nothing, just cut myself cleaning.”

“Let–me see.” 

You almost gave in but just as you about relented, you thought of a different distraction and leaned back and pressed your backside into him, moving your hips gently from side to side.

His nostrils flared, eyes narrowed as he hissed at the contact. It took him a second to come to his senses because his body would alway betray him when it came to you, but then quickly snapped out of it and scooted back and put his hands on your hips preventing you from following. 

“Jesus–just let me see your damn hand.”

You turned around abruptly, he was still very much in your personal space.

“I just nicked it. I don't know why you're acting like this over this,” you suddenly felt small like a helpless child. Despite your confident voice, you could no longer look at him as tears welled in your eyes. You hated feeling helpless but you also hated needing help. And what didn't even make sense was all he wanted to do was to help you. Why you rejected it you weren't entirely sure. Maybe you were just tired of seeing the worried look on his face–the one that you continued to put there.

Though, as much as you loved him, you hated the way you always just gave into him. You blamed his eyes, his voice, his… you know what, it was just him–he was your kryptonite. 

“It was just a little cleaning,” you said, unwrapping your hand and held it up to him so that he could see. “I- I uh–broke a glass and tried to…”

“Maria told me.”

“Damn.”

He chuckled softly at your frustration and then frowned suddenly, “You're still lying to me. I thought we went over this.”

“This doesn't count though. It's not life or death. It's just a few stupid cuts.” 

He reached out and took your lightly bleeding hand. “I’m not too worried about this,” he said after inspecting it thoroughly, noting that you still had some small pieces still stuck. “But this…” he gently let go of your hand and picked up the other. It was still locked in a cramp, “This is what I worry about.”

He carefully pressed into the tight muscle and you gasped in discomfort, which was quickly replaced with relief as he kneaded the overused muscle until he successfully worked the cramp out.

“Thank you,” you said, looking up at him almost ashamed

“You're doin’ too much.”

You yanked your hand from his like he had just burned you. He didn't react, just continued to stare at you. He wasn't going to take that back, you were doing too much too soon.

“I literally just swept and washed a few dishes. If–if I can't even do that then…”

“You were hurt,” the frown returned to his face.

“Yeah I was. Past tense Joel.”

“It takes time to heal. You almost…you almost died baby,” he put his hands in his pockets as he blinked a few times trying to rid the images of you doubled over coughing up blood. 

He wanted to reach out to you so damn bad, but knew that you needed space right now.

“I know that. But I feel so helpless, all the time. I- I can't do anything. I can't even turn the pages in a book…I can't even sit and fucking read. And you leave and do your shifts–shifts that we are supposed to do together. What if you got hurt because I wasn't there to watch your back?” He looked like he wanted to interrupt you but refrained. “And then Ellie has to come home from school and before she does her homework or hangs out with her friends she helps me cook and clean. I just—I’m just so sick of feeling useless. I’m so sick of feeling like a burden.”

There it was. 

He thought of a million things to say. He wanted to berate you for even thinking such a thing, but that never seemed to work on you, so he decided to go a different route.

“I understand.”

“Do you?” You said with more venom than you intended.

“Yeah, yeah I do,” he cleared his throat, “When I was stabbed and you and Ellie had to do everything.”

“You were unconscious Joel. You were dying from infection.”

“That doesn't matter. I–I couldn't protect you two. I could barely understand what you said to me but I could make out enough.” He took his hands out of his pockets and rubbed his face, “I knew that you were going to leave and try to find me medicine. I tried to call out…I tried to stop you, but I couldn't. And then when the men–when the men came looking for you I–damn near lost my mind. But I couldn't move. I, I tried so hard to,” he felt the familiar pressure in his chest, “I…I watched you leave–and I couldn't even beg you to stay.”

You stood still as a statue as a tear rolled down your cheek, all you could do was stare.

“So yeah, I do understand. Feeling helpless is the worst, but you got me and Ellie, and you are getting better everyday. But pushing yourself isn’t gonna help you. So please do me–do us a favor and just let us help you. You’d do the same thing for us in a heartbeat and you are never a burden. Do you hear me?”

Your eyes were wide and mouth was slightly opened, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

“It’s ok. Everything turned out fine. We are both here.”

You launched at him, hugging him tightly. You kissed his neck and said, “I wish you would have told me. I know you dream about it…”

“I don't want to talk about that right now, ok? I just want to get that junk out of your hand and take a shower. Does that sound good?”

You agreed.

He took his time and worked efficiently, and in no time he had all of the debris removed and had cleaned your fingertips. Then he helped you undress and led you to the shower, where he worshiped you with as much attention as he gave you wounds, and then finished by cleaning your body as well–something that he's come to enjoy doing. When you got out of the shower he gently bandaged both hands, one for the cuts and the other to relieve the pressure on the healing muscle. 

He dried you off and helped you dress into your most comfortable clothes, which were ironically his clothes. Then you sat at the kitchen table and listened while he told you about his day. He heated you a can of your preferred soup and toasted you both some bread to go along with it.

After your shared meal, you moved to the bedroom where he read a couple chapters of your favorite book to you. You fell asleep with your head on his shoulder. And when you woke you were in his arms snuggled closely, your bad hand in his as he lightly massaged it.

You've been back on light duties for a month now–also known as cleaning and restocking the armory. It definitely feels boring and mundane after the action you were used to, but it was much better than doing nothing. Your hand still has the occasional cramp but it's much stronger. You’ve practiced on the shooting range a few times now and you weren't as hindered as you thought you'd be. Slower yes, but still able, with an aim as deadly as it's ever been.

It was the middle of a Wyoming winter and it was cold. Snow fell for four days straight covering the ground in a thick solid layer that probably wouldn't melt until the beginning of spring. Which made today's appearance of the sun that much better. Everyone in Jackson acted like it was a holiday. Two families were actually having parties and had invited you over. 

People liked you for a reason you didn't even know. You were nice and you worked hard but you weren't overly friendly, maybe you just appeared that way because you were around Joel and Ellie. Or maybe it was because you were close to Maria and Tommy. Regardless, there would be no partying for you. 

A few months ago you had talked Ellie out of going on runs until she was older. She hated it and took quite some convincing but you managed to make a deal with her. She focuses on school and her friends, and honestly just being a semi carefree teenager for once in her life, and a couple times a year the three of you would take vacations.

By vacations, you'd basically just camp and be away from everyone a bit. None of you would admit it but each of you missed the seclusion. Just the three of you, no obligations, nobody telling you what to do. You were grateful for Jackson, you all were and it was much better than being alone but that's how you lived for months together. That's where your strong bonds were made, and sometimes the sleeping bag under the stars felt more like home than your house.

Another part of the agreement was that Ellie got to choose where you'd go. It couldn't be too far, at least not during the winter, and the trip couldn't last more than a week–not until she was finished with school.

On this inaugural trip she wanted to see the rapids. Some friends had talked about how they canoed down them and she hadn't stopped talking about it since. You doubted that that was true, in a canoe? But it didn't matter it was a part of your deal and since the rapids weren't too far away the request seemed reasonable. 

And really it was a big deal for Ellie to want to go anywhere near water, let alone potentially dangerous water. She had let it slip once that she couldn't swim and the fact that she hasn't asked to learn yet tells you that she's afraid.

It was early morning, the sun had just begun to light up the sky. It was cold but no snow clouds were on the horizon. You were all packed with more things than you’d need in a week, and the trip probably wouldn’t even last three days. This was your first time leaving since your injury and it was Ellie's first since the agreement, which meant Joel was kind of a nervous wreck. He packed excessive amounts of everything–ammo, food, first aid. His pack weighed double the usual weight, and this time he saddled up his horse.

You found him in the stables. He was loading up the horse slowly and precisely, trying to slow down the inevitable–his family was leaving safety. 

“Are you ready?” 

He jumped slightly and laughed almost nervously. “You scared me sweetheart.” He sighed and fastened the last strap on the saddle, “Bout there, I wanna double check the…”

“Joel,” you crossed your arms and looked at him sweetly. “Everything is going to be ok. We are going to have a fun quick little trip. Nothing that we aren't used to right?”

He still had his back to you but you could hear him gulp and you could see him trying to shake his head in some sort of agreement. 

“Hey.” You walked up to him and held the side of his arms. “Do not put all of this on yourself. The three of us can defend ourselves, in fact I'd say that we are a pretty badass trio.” 

You smiled and he couldn't help but smile back. It didn't reach his eyes but he smiled nonetheless. 

“I’m afraid.” His voice was low where only you could hear him. He turned from you and focused on the horse. A little shocked that the confession slid out of him so easily. Completely unintentional.

His admission made you break a little. You didn't want this to stress him out like it was. This was supposed to be fun. “If you don't want to go me and Ellie–”

“No,” his voice was firm and commanding. “God- just no. I um–I just…it's safe here.” He was suddenly fixated on petting the horse, unable to look at your eyes that seemed to make him confess things without his permission. “And to leave it, if we don't have to seems���foolish to me.”

You tensed at his words. And boy did they make you angry. You and Ellie have been planning this and looking forward to it for weeks now. And he just waited until the last minute to express his concern? To call something you’d been dreaming about foolish?!

“We can't just stay here. We can't just be yours to play house with.” You paced a little and then continued almost grumbling to yourself, “Be your little housewife and we aren’t even married—go to school–be your picture perfect family. We can't do that. I can’t. I- I won't.” 

He turned to face you quickly. He hadn’t meant to upset you, really he hadn't but it did seemed foolish to him, dangerous for no reason. He didn’t like the way you were talking, it made him uncomfortable. Yes he loved coming home to you but it was just because he knew that you were safe. It had nothing to do with you being a ‘housewife’ to him. And he also didn’t like what sounded like an ultimatum, he would never keep you from leaving but it still frightened him. 

“I just meant–”

“Oh I know what you meant.” You felt your face getting hot. You didn't know where all of this was coming from and chalked it up to being frustrated at his last minute indecisiveness and your slightly stir-crazed mental state. “And it's such an easy thing for you to think about- building a wall around us caginging us up like animals in a zoo.”

“That's not–”

“Come home to a cooked meal.” You were pacing faster now, needing some kind of physical release. Your body was practically humming with pent up energy from being cooped up for months. 

“Baby it’s not–”

“All your laundry folded nice and neat.” You dug your boots into the stable floor with such force that dirt was actually starting to kick up. You could feel your blood pressure rise with each step. 

“To be propped up and ready to fuck when you come home–”

That made him snap. “Stop it!” He tightly held your shoulders and jerked you around hard. “I’d think very carefully about what you say next.”

You were still, all except for a wicked gleam of rebellion that flashed in your eyes. “Is that what you want?” You were breathing embarrassingly heavy.

He hated his reaction to all of this but regardless he still felt blood quickly rushing south and his pants tightened rapidly. You are just so damn hot and the image you were painting, well he hated to admit that the last part sounded appealing. Also he not so secretly liked it when you talked dirty.

“For me to be spread out on the bed for you, nothing to do but wait for you to get home. Be nice and ready for your—”

With absolutely no warning he spun you around and pulled you roughly to him. You arched into him instinctively and he placed one hand on your inner thigh and the other over your dirty mouth.

“I know it’s been awhile so I won’t get mad at you. But if you don't shut that pretty mouth of yours right now, we aren't goin’ anywhere.”

You ground your backside into him just as rough,  and bit at his hand, in a futile attempt of retaliation.

“Fuck…” He pressed himself harder into you. A sinful moan escaped you that was barely muffled by his large hand. He was certain that his strain was going to break his zipper. “If you needed this from me baby, all you have to do is ask.” He cooed into your ear making chills shoot down your spine and pressure pool into your belly.

He moved his hand that was resting on your thigh and started to unclip your belt buckle. 

The metallic clank broke you from your lust filled trance, and you shot out from his embrace. Your pupils were blown wide and you were almost gasping for air. “You aren't gonna- damnit, you aren’t going to distract me over this. We- we are leaving, with or without you.” 

You stormed out quickly. Not even bothering to buckle back up. 

If he were in the position he would have chased after you. But he couldn’t go running through town in his current state. So instead, to calm himself down, he thought about anything at all other than you.

A couple of minutes later, he led his overly packed horse over to where the two of you were waiting. Ellie was beaming at him and bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. He smiled at her but it made him feel like a piece of shit. This meant so much to the two of you. And he might have just ruined your whole trip. He hated when he made you angry but he still believed he had a point. 

He looked over at you and you quickly turned your head away to avoid him. He didn’t know how to apologize to you. Or rather he knew how but he couldn’t do that in front of Ellie. So he’d have to find the right time when you were alone. He wasn’t the best with words, in fact most of the time his words only made things worse. So he’d have to be patient and hope you’d be willing to forgive.

He was mid thought when you just started walking. Ellie cut her eyes back at him and raised her eyebrow in question. 

He just shrugged but he knew she was clever, sometimes too clever, and he knew that she knew he had done something stupid. 

“Come on.” He sighed, urging her to drop it and follow.

Luckily for him, she was more excited for the trip than curious about what had happened. But he still feared that it was only a matter of time before she questioned him to death. 

It took about five hours to make it to the river. It was a slow peaceful walk. There was no hurry—the journey and being at peace was the reason for the trip–it was mostly made in silence, the three of you weren’t big on small talk so it wasn’t at all uncomfortable, though he knew that you were only quiet because you were still stewing from earlier.

Ellie grew more talkative towards the end and you tried your best to carry on with her, but you were still infuriated with Joel. It was a buildup of things you supposed. But sometimes he really gets under your skin. The overprotective thing really works for you until it doesn't. And that’s not really fair to him because that’s who he is, and you knew that he hadn’t caged you in, you just felt trapped by your own injury. 

It didn’t help that it was after months of being cooped up and babied. Two things you disliked. If he was going to be like this every time you wanted to go for a walk- then flat out, the relationship wouldn’t work. You needed some semblance of freedom or you’d go insane. That scared you because you also needed him. And maybe you were being a little dramatic. He was currently beside you and you were outside of the gates. So maybe you were being a little hasty. Hopefully this outing will give you the reboot your mind needed.

Joel picked a place to set up camp while you and Ellie walked over to the edge of the cliff to see the now infamous rapids. They were more intense than you imagined, no way could a canoe make it down them.

Ellie was being uncharacteristically timid. You looked back at her and decided to give her some alone time. “I’m going to help him, don't get too close to the edge, it's slick.”

She playfully rolled her eyes at you.

When you made it back to Joel he already had half of the stuff thrown on the ground, but when he looked at you he gave a look. 

“What?” You placed your hands on your hips defensively.

“Nothin’...” he exhaled deeply, “Look- I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t wanna ruin your trip.”

“Our trip, it's our trip Joel. Look at where we are. Look how beautiful it is.” you gestured around you at the beautiful mountains, “Don’t you just feel…free?”

He looked at you with a sudden understanding, it was freedom that you needed. You’d told him as much, but seeing the stress visibly leave your face is what finally got it through his thick skull, “Yeah, I guess I do.”

You beamed at him, “See!”

“You look awfully beautiful out here like this,” his eyes sparkled at you. There was no other way to describe it.

“So do you.”

“Yeah?”

“Big time.”

He laughed, “See that big tree?”

It was the biggest tree in the area, impossible to miss, “Yeah?”

“If we were alone I’d apologize like you like me to, right up against–”

“Stop…that's–that’s cruel,” you blushed.

He laughed almost wickedly.

“Let's unpack before you find a way to get yourself back into trouble.”

Ellie was looking out, biting her lip apprehensively. Now that she was here she was fucking scared. Why did she even pick this stupid place, she couldn't swim, it was cold, and it was fucking stupid.

She walked closer to the edge and tried to peek over but she was too far away. She got frustrated with herself. Come on, don't be a pussy. She moved closer and closer still. Her chest felt tight and her legs were beginning to quake. She fought the urge to lay down and crawl to the edge, she didn't think that that would be a good look for her. So she continued to move forward very slowly, inch by inch, silently disregarding all sounds of internal alarms until finally, she could see all the way down into the raging water. 

Her toes kissed the edge and as she leaned forward, just as she felt that she had confidently conquered a fear, her boot slipped. “FU–” she was cut short as she twisted and tried to grab onto the edge, but in doing so she landed on her chest which then sent her flying backwards towards the water. Thankfully she landed on a ledge less than halfway down the steep drop. 

The ledge was small and narrow, she was very lucky to land on it at all. If she wouldn't have tried to hug the side of the cliff she would have fallen straight into the water. What she didn’t notice though was as she landed, the ledge moved slightly- small rocks broke off and fell into the freezing water below.

Ellie laid there for a few seconds and stared up at the blue sky. She took deep breaths trying to get it through her head that she was in fact alive–she wasn't entirely convinced. Until she heard you calling out her name. 

You were fortunate enough to look over just as she fell. You ran to her as fast as you could desperately calling out her name.

Joel was left alone and confused for merely a second before he noticed Ellie's missing form. His heart dropped as he sprinted past you and looked over where she used to be standing.

“Ellie?” you caught up and stood beside him.

You looked over the ledge as she carefully stood and brushed off some snow and dirt.

“Holy shit.” she said looking up at the two of you.

She didn't speak loud enough to hear because of the thunderous sound of the rapids, but you could read her lips. You exhaled in relief.

Joel was also very relieved. If she had fallen she would have hit the rocks, and if by some miracle she missed the rocks the currents were strong. Even an amazing swimmer wouldn’t be able to stay above the water, he didn't care to think about what would happen to someone who couldn't swim.

“Ellie,” he yelled down to her.

She looked up, and moved to hug the side of the cliff, “Yea?”

He laid on his stomach and reached down his arm as far as he could stretch, “Can you climb to reach my hand?”

She stretched her body as tall as she could, standing on her toes, her feet almost completely parallel to the cliff. She was still short, not by much, so she jumped as high as she could, still missing his hand. When she landed, the shifting of the ledge was still unnoticed. There was nothing to grab onto, there was nothing to grip to climb.

She jumped again but this time landing with more force. The ledge visibly shifted and larger rocks plunked into the water.

“Stop!” you screamed out. “Ellie, stay still!”

She gave a thumbs up, “No problem.”

You laid down next to Joel, “I’m going down there.”

“Like hell–”

“Hey, listen to me. I’m taller than her. I could probably jump and reach your hand, she just needs a boost. She could probably stand on my back and reach you.”

“Let me, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” you sighed and did your best to calm down. “I don't think the ledge is strong enough to hold you both.”

He opened his mouth but you continued, “And you know I couldn't pull your ass up.” you grinned, but he wasn't having it.

“Just wait a second. Let me figure something out.” He looked back towards camp, “We could tie some–”

“You saw the way those rocks fell. We might not have the time for that Joel.” You grabbed his forearm and looked deeply into his eyes, you weren't playing around, you were going to do this, “Please, let me save her.”

His brows furrowed and he looked at you with as much seriousness as you've ever seen from him, and that was saying something. He brought his forehead to yours, “Be careful,” he whispered onto your skin.

You nodded, noses bumbing against each other and then reluctantly moved from him and looked down, “Ellie? I’m going to come down there and help you, ok?”

She looked up at you in pure panic, “No don't! This fucking piece of shit rock is barely holding me up.”

“It’ll be fine.”

She practically cried out your name, “Please don't,” her voice cracked in her loud plea.

You looked at Joel and he was looking at you in premature anguish, “It’s going to be alright,” you said to who, you weren’t sure–probably everyone, including yourself.

You removed your gloves in case you needed a better grip and slowly climbed over the edge, Joel held on tightly, and when he looked at the two deep scars on your hand he froze, “God damnit!”

“What?” you looked up worried that something had happened, and saw him focused on your hand.

“Crazy woman, what are you fuckin’ insane?”

Your hand had crossed your mind, but getting Ellie to safety was the only thing that mattered. You smiled sadly- knowingly at him, and he all of the sudden realized what he was doing–he was slowly dropping you to your death. This wasn’t just a rescue mission, this was a suicide mission. The anger from his eyes was replaced with bone chilling fear. He desperately yanked you back up a little, pulling your arm too tight and causing your bicep to strain. 

“Wha–?” you saw the raw panic in his eyes as he tried to haul you back up, “Stop, Joel Stop!” you looked down at Ellie and then back up to him with tears in your eyes, “I’ll break my arm off if I have to.”

He knew you would. Selfless woman.

He looked back at you holding on to his hand, gripping the side of the rock face, eyes full of tears and determination–he loved you so. “You better come back to me.”

“I always will.” 

His grip tightened and he lowered you as far as he could, “Land softly.”

No shit you thought as you landed on the ledge. It dropped even further this time making a horrible crumbling noise.

You grabbed Ellie and hugged her tightly afraid that this was it. When nothing else happened you sighed in relief and quickly backed up. She looked scared, like she wanted to stay in your arms and hide.

“Come on, we have to hurry.”

You quickly got on your hands and knees and she stood on top of you. She reached tall but was scared to dig her toes into you–she didn't want to hurt you, and she thought of how long it took for your ribs to heal, how much pain you were in.

“Use your toes Ellie!” you demanded.

“I don't want to hurt you,” she practically sobbed out.

“You won’t, I can hardly feel you.”

She knew you were lying but she complied and stood on the tips of her toes. She brushed his fingertips and tried to reach further. 

“Are you close?” you asked, feeling the ground beneath you sway knowing time wasn't on your side.

“I can touch him but I can’t–”

“Jump,” you interrupted her.

“Wha….NO I won't do that.”

“Ellie, baby- you have to.”

“I don't want to.”

“I love you very much…everything is going to be ok.”

More rocks crumbled and Joel called out your name in warning.

“Jump Ellie!”

Without a moment's more hesitation she did and Joel gripped her wrist tightly. They worked together and quickly got her to safety. 

The pathetic excuse for a ledge was giving out. Your world was rocking back and forth like a buoy on the ocean. You stood slowly, doing your best to not make any sudden movements. You could hear both of them desperately calling out to you but you were focused. They didn’t know how precarious your situation had become. 

You stood slowly and reached for Joel’s hand. You had known going into this that it was going to be much harder for you to get up. Sure you were taller than Ellie but not by much. You were going to have to jump or climb. To jump meant if you missed- you had to land, and you weren’t sure it could take that force.

You dug your fingers into any crack you could find, there weren’t many but you made your way maybe a foot off of the ledge when two things happened—first your hand locked up in a cramp that rendered it useless. You dropped it to your side, trying your best to hide it from those above. And second, the ledge broke away and fell into the water. 

They cried out to you but you didn’t know what to do. You truly couldn’t do a thing with your hand, you couldn’t even use it as a stabilizer. You found a perch for one toe of your boot, but it wasn’t going to hold long. 

It was like the universe knew that this was how you’d die. It was shitty, but it was giving you a chance to say goodbye to the two people you loved most in the world, and that’s more than a lot of people got.

You looked up. Joel’s face was red from straining to make himself longer. Spit was flying from his mouth with every pleading yell. Ellie was screaming for you to hurry. Time seemed to slow down as you watched them. They were going to be ok, they had each other, and despite what Joel would argue that would be enough.

So you had one attempt. It was all or nothing. One small lurch forward and you’d either make it to Joel’s hand or you wouldn’t. The chances were very slim.

“I have one shot,” you called up.

“Just keep climbing baby, you’re doing so good!” he encouraged loudly.

“I- I can’t. My hand is locked up.”

He cussed and behind him his feet angrily kicked holes in the snow. Tears started falling from his face and passed by you like drops of rain, “I told you to let me! I could have—“

“I love you. I love you both,” you sniffled but felt at peace, you had saved your girl, “I’m going to try my best but I really don’t have much to propel myself from.”

Your hand slipped a little and you could hear Joel’s gasp and Ellie’s cry. 

“Ok I’m ready,” your muscles tightened in preparation and you tested the movement. Once you were satisfied that you’ve done all you could you started your countdown, “On, three-two—one.”

To give yourself some credit, you did make it farther than you thought. Probably a hands length away from Joel’s, but you knew from takeoff that it wasn’t enough.

You briefly saw the look of absolute horror on their faces as you took in as much air as you could, and shielded your head with your arms as you plunged into the freezing water.

You of course knew that water was powerful. It helped shape the earth with its constant rising and falling. Given time its pressure could smooth a stone, could forge new paths and create new bodies of water. It grew vegetation as easily as it could flood and drown. Any living thing needs it or would die. Water was both life and death, it was a powerful, powerful thing.

But you didn’t truly respect it until now. It tugged you under and slung your body around like a ragdoll filled with nothing but cotton. You had never felt so weighed down and yet somehow so weightless. You were so distracted by the sheer force of it that the sharp burning from the cold came later. Then oddly enough the need to breathe came even later than that.

After a few seconds of pathetically trying to fight it, you quickly realized you could do nothing but patiently wait for a current to bring you to the surface for a chance to get air.

It happened faster than you had anticipated. Before you knew it your head was above the water and you were gasping for oxygen. Some water got in but that didn’t matter to you in the slightest.

You glanced to the side at the riverbank and for the first time you noticed how fast you were moving. You were absolutely flying down the river. 

You went under a couple more times, and were banged around—hitting some rocks here and there, which would bruise but nothing serious. 

There wasn’t much farther to go as far as the rapids were concerned. The river was long but if you could make it another one- two minutes tops before it slowed and calmed. 

What a jinx you are.

Your ankle was suddenly caught between two rocks. You were stuck and the angry currents were pushing at the side of your face, trying their best to force you back under. You took a deep breath, and went under to try and wiggle your boot free. It was of no use so you untied the shoe and were launched free immediately. It took you by surprise and rolled you a few times—disorienting you, and then your luck ran out. You hit your head, everything went black.

When you fell he almost jumped right in after you. As matter of fact, if Ellie wasn't with him he would have. His whole body shifted forward begging him to leap, but Ellie’s hand quickly grabbed his shoulder tugging him back up, as she yelled out after you. She anchored him to the spot and kept him from acting irrationally.

He sprang to his feet, “Look for her I’m gettin’ the horse.”

She quickly got up and ran along the edge. It's funny that moments ago she was so scared to even go near it- now she was sprinting alongside it, the only fear she felt was for you. Her eyes combed the water trying to get a glimpse of your now flailing form, they were stinging from the cold but she refused to so much as blink. 

She looked farther down and saw you, just as you were thrusted up for air.

Joel passed her on the horse and she pointed ahead. She tried to keep up but you were both moving too quickly. She kept running even as she lost sight of you both.

Joel was riding alongside you. It was a difficult task to both keep his eyes on you, and keep his horse from running off the side but he quickly adjusted. You were doing a good job of keeping your head above the water, and he was starting to feel slightly optimistic.

The water was already calming down. 

He looked back to you all of that previous optimism died along with any hope he had left in him. This time he screamed your name, it was way too raw to be called a yell. 

He moved his horse back and forth searching. The horse was as anxious as Joel, it wanted to continue running. His heart was beating out of his chest as he continued crying out for you.

Then he saw you.

You were face down and floating downstream.

He charged the horse and went ahead of you to where the rocks stopped and the shore began. He dismounted, took off all of his clothes except his boxers, and ran into the water.

Even though it was calmer, he still had to curl his toes–gripping at the dirt in an attempt to brace himself with each step. When you floated near he swam out to you. It was rougher out where you were. 

When he reached you he quickly turned you over. 

You were so blue and he couldn’t tell if you were breathing.

Fortunately for the both of you, he was a swim champion in his teenage years and a pool lifeguard was his first job. He swam fast and strong and there was no way you’d release from his grip. 

When his feet touched the bottom he cradled you, and trudged through the water as quickly as he could–water splashing all around as his strong legs ran you to shore.

Ellie was waiting, bent over trying to catch her breath.

He got you out of the water and laid you down in the snow. 

“Is she breathing?” Ellie gasped as she looked down at your blue face.

“I don’t know yet.” He felt for a pulse but didn’t find one. Then he put finger under your nose to feel the air. Nothing.

“Damnit,” he immediately started chest compressions. 

Ellie’s legs gave out and she sat in shock. She had lost a lot but losing you felt like too much. You were the closest thing she’d ever had to a mom. You were her best friend. What the fuck was she supposed to do without you?

“...gotta be the hero—”

Joel was angrily muttering to you. Ellie could only make out occasional fragments, she wasn’t even sure he knew what he was saying.

“—let anyone else get hurt.”

His voice trembled with emotion.

“Couldn’t just let me…hard headed…”

He was openly crying now and getting slightly winded from the exertion. His body pink from the cold with steam rising off of him.

“—drive me damn insane,”

Ellie was now sobbing with him- broken gasps and labored breaths. She hugged her knees to herself and began rocking.

“…better start breathing I swear to god.”

The horse moved, catching her eye.

“Please- don’t leave me…”

She turned back and watched him desperately pound on your chest. 

“—I fucking need you…you hear me?”

That was as close to a sleeping beauty moment that you’d ever get. You started violently coughing up water- expelling it from your lungs. He rolled you on your side so it was easier on you for you to spit up the liquid.

A rush of pure joy overcame him, “That’s it baby get it all out.” 

Ellie crawled closer to you like she couldn’t believe that you were alive. Something red caught her eye. “Uh, Joel?” she pointed behind your head, her voice sounding so small.

He was so fixated on watching your face that he hadn’t seen the blood staining the white snow behind your head, “Fuck.”

As you continued to cough he felt around the back of your head. There was a small swollen knot that was split by a not so deep cut. There was no indentation which was his main concern. And head injuries bled a lot, he reminded himself as he looked at his now crimson coated hand.

The coughs slowed down but he started worrying why you weren’t shivering. He was shaking uncontrollably. You were still. 

“Here’s what I need you to do- take the horse and bring all our stuff down here. We have to get her warm.”

Ellie was silent. Frozen in fear staring at the blood.

“Ellie…Ellie?!” He said loudly, snapping her out of it, “You hear me?”

“I- I’m on it.” She jumped on the horse and galloped away. 

He pulled you so that you were propped up against a tree–he didn't want you to drown in the water you were clearing from your body. He brushed some hair out of your face with his numb fingers–he couldn't even feel the soft strands. Then he started to gather sticks for a fire. 

You were in and out of consciousness. You mumbled a few times but never made much sense. 

Ellie returned and helped Joel finish building the fire, it needed to be big. He kept repeating that to her.

They set up the tent. Facing it towards the fire so that the heat wafted and was captured underneath. Then he put all the sleeping bags and any fabric they packed inside. By this time Joel was shaking so bad he could barely pick up anything- now all of his appendages were numb. His tremors were now so severe that his speech was broken.

“I’m gonna ge-get all of these wet clothes–off of her, and get her in-inside.”

She nodded, liking the plan so far.

“Listen- I don’t know how to say this a-any other way, but we are going t-to be naked.”

She looked a little put off and confused.

“It’s just for bo-body heat, nothin’ weird.”

“Nothing, weird?”

“You-you know what, I- I mean,” he clenched his fists trying to demand that his body stop shaking.

“Ok so what do you want me to do?”

“I want you…to ta-take the rifle, and be on lo-look out…she has to ge-get warm–”

“Joel…I’ve got this. Just…take care of her..please.” 

He nodded in an understanding agreement, if he takes care of you then everything else will be ok.

She picked up the gun and mentally started outlining a perimeter to pace.

He pulled you over to the fire and began to undress you. His hands fumbled with the buttons and he winced when he finally noticed that you were missing a boot. He removed your shirt and jacket, leaving your top half bare. His eyes traced the many forming bruises–nothing near as bad as the last time. Then his hands touched your belt buckle. Visions from mere hours ago when he was unfastening it for a completely different reason flashed before him. 

Tears returned and he started sniffing loudly, ‘gah’ he helplessly croaked out as he removed the remaining clothing. Nothing more to note, just more of the same–discolored bruising and small scrapes. 

The bleeding on the back of your head was slowing down, though he still wrapped the injury with gauze. The bandage wrapped around and covered the top of your forehead. 

He laid you gently on top of a sleeping bag–the tent had a floor but he was trying his best to keep you from the cold ground. Then he put all the other sleeping bags, blankets, and even clothes on top of you. He took off his wet boxers and threw them out of the tent and snuggled as close to you as he could possibly get.

Your skin felt like ice. He hissed at the first contact but without hesitation pulled you to him even tighter. He was truly enveloping your form- legs were entangled, his broad chest and strong arms cocooned around you securely, even his neck and head curled into you. His hands rubbed up and down your back trying to create a warming friction–but you still weren't shivering…you should be shivering.

He didn't know what else to do, and maybe he'd done all that he could do, but that was hard for a man like Joel to accept. 

He was warming up quickly, and as he regained some sense of touch, he started to feel your skin beneath his fingertips. You were so very soft, much too soft for hands like these he thought to himself. 

Out of nowhere he started talking. He didn't know where it came from, he just opened his mouth and words began pouring out. He wasn't even aware of what he was saying until he heard Sarah's name.

He was telling you about his daughter he then realized. 

You had only asked about her twice. Once at the beginning of your relationship when you found out about her for the first time–which led to him wrongly ignoring you for a whole week. And the second was when he screamed her name in a nightmare–he told you to never mention her again, and went for a walk that lasted a whole day. He didn't know why you put up with him.

Last time you were hurt, when he was so scared he was gonna lose you, he told you how she died. And even then, even after he had opened up and said her name for the first time in years, even knowing that he could trust you- that he loved you, he couldn't bring himself to talk about her…that was for some reason until this moment.

He told you about how smart she was, about how kind and funny, and caring. How she loved to make a big deal on his birthday and always found a way to surprise him with incredibly thoughtful gifts. That she loved to cook and take care of him, because she said he deserved to be taken care of. 

And as he was telling you all of the wonderful things about his daughter it made him realize that she would have absolutely loved you. The two of you had a lot in common and would have probably harassed him into taking care of himself. His chest felt unbearably tight, he had hurt the both of you by not talking about her–by not talking about her he hadn’t let her memory live on, and by not telling you he had unintentionally kept a huge part of his heart hidden.

Suddenly he felt you. If he weren’t melded to you so tightly he probably wouldn’t have, but he did. You were starting to tremble.

“That's it baby. Warm up for me.”

He kept rubbing your back. He could feel a thin layer of sweat collect between you, it was from him he was certain. He'd gone from cold to warm to quite hot. The fire had heated up the small space in no time at all. 

Before long chills started to shake your body and he could hear your teeth chattering. He felt you nuzzle closer to his chest.

“Sweetheart?”

“S’ cold.”

“You'll be warm in a minute.”

“Wha time is…?” your words were slurred.

“Late. We should probably wake up.” he really hoped that you would wake up, or at least seem more alert.

“Yea…”

And then you lost consciousness or fell back asleep one, or maybe both.

An hour or so passed and you were coming down from the worst of your chills. Your teeth were no longer clicking and your skin felt much warmer to the touch.

He felt your head shift to look up.

“Hey,” he smiled, warmly down at you.

“Hi,” you turned your head and took in your surroundings. Saying you were confused was an understatement. “Where are we?”

“You don't remember?” his brows creased and his smile drained from his face.

“I- I remember…ELLIE!” you sat up quickly, he did too.

“It’s ok, she's ok. I promise.” he pulled you into a hug and as your bare breasts brushed against his arm hair you noticed for the first time that you were naked–you both were.

“Joel, what the hell happened?” you asked into the crease of his neck.

He explained everything, and you were slowly able to fill all of the missing holes of your memory–the fall, the battle in the water, the rock that took you out.

“You saved me again,” tears fell from your eyes.

“Sweetheart I’ll save you everyday if you'll let me,” he wiped them away with his thumb, you heard the gauze rustle.

“Wha?” you reached up and felt the bandage seeming to cover your head. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he chuckled, “Just a little thing. I might have been…excessive.”

You laughed and the strain of it made you notice the pain in your chest. You placed your hand over your heart and looked at him, obviously confused.

“Yeah…that might hurt for a bit,” he winced. “You- you weren't breathing when I got you out of the water–”

“You had to do CPR!?”

“I did.” he swallowed thickly and looked away.

“Oh, Joel… thank you.” you moved your leg over his lap and straddled him, you grimaced, your body was more battered than you thought. He openly began to weep, sobs wrecked through his body. You rested his head to your chest, and rubbed the back of his head until his breaths calmed and his shaking stopped.

“Ya know, this would be really hot in other circumstances.” you weren't in the mood, not even close. You felt like you had been run over by a truck, you were just trying to lighten the mood. “In a tent, naked with you.”

He chuckled, you felt him smile against you. He turned and kissed your soft supple skin. “I’m so glad you're ok…when you fell, just you can't do that shit.”

You leaned away from him, “What? Save Ellie?”

“Can't just…react. I could have tied something together—”

“If she would have fallen into the water, I would have never forgiven you. You know that right?”

He shook his head, “I never would have forgiven myself but- but darlin’…jesus.”

“I don't want to fight. Not about this and not right now, my head is killing me, but know this Joel Miller- if either one of you ever need saving, and I can, I will.” You grabbed a dry shirt and pulled on over your head. “It isn't something up for discussion, and I won't be talked out of it. You jumped in the water to save me- that was dangerous, we sometimes do dangerous things for the ones we love.” He looked like a kicked puppy but you continued, “If I don’t act, if I sit back and think about it- took time to come up with a plan, and then lost you anyway…then what–then what would be the point?”

You put your hand behind his head and pulled him closer again, whispering against his face, “I know you'd do the same so don't play all high and mighty with me, you will always lose that battle,” you placed a kiss on his lips.

He returned the kiss eagerly. Your lips were chapped but they had never tasted better to him. He pulled you both up so that you were both kneeling, and he pressed your body into his. He wished you hadn't put on the shirt, despite all of the previous contact he still felt like he needed to feel you.

“Joel…” you reluctantly warned into his mouth.

“I know…I know–but god I just want to feel you right now.”

You hummed in agreement and stayed for another minute or two, and then slowly backed out of his embrace. He smoothed back his hair and looked around for his extra clothes. You threw his boxers at his face, he laughed and grabbed you back to him- suddenly catching you off balance and the jerking motion hurt your head.

You hissed and massaged your temple.

“Shit I’m sorry.”

“It's fine..I think I need to lie down.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just need a minute.”

“You rest,” he tucked you in and kissed your forehead, “I’m gonna tell Ellie that you're doin’ better.”

“Kay,” you closed your suddenly very tired eyes.

Come morning it was snowing. It was a pleasant snow, the kind that was peaceful to watch with large flakes that floated down to the earth. You had slept straight through the night. Joel and Ellie took turns, taking watch and staying by you. You woke with a ravenous appetite, and ate enough for three meals. Neither of them said a word, in a humorous delight- they just watched you scarf down the food.

They both insisted that you rode the horse on your journey home. You didn't want to, but you would admit that your equilibrium was still somewhat off, and your body was very sore. So you relented and did as they asked.

When you returned to Jackson, the doctor examined you and said that you had a mild concussion and were still experiencing the symptoms from hypothermia, but were otherwise fine. You'd just have to take it easy for a week or two.

A week later you were working back in the armory, this time though you had no complaints. 

When you came home, you opened the door and was immediately hit with a delicious aroma, “Joel? Ellie?” you called out a little suspicious. You tended to be this family's chef. 

“In the dining room,” Joel responded.

You could hear the two of them whispering hurriedly, and you heard silverware clanking around. When you entered the room your jaw dropped. 

They were both dressed up. Joel with a nice dark blue buttoned up shirt that you'd never seen- the sleeves neatly rolled up, dark pants, and his hair looked styled with…what was that gel? Ellie was wearing a white buttoned up shirt, and she had her hair down with one small braid off to the side (you had taught her how to braid her horse's mane and she was getting proud of her skills). 

The ambiance was almost romantic, dim with nothing but candles lighting up the room. The table was set like they were expecting royalty and they had a bottle of wine in front of where you usually sat.

Joel moved to your chair and held it out for you, “Your chair Madame.”

“What is this?” you hoped you didn't look as shocked as you felt. You did.

“I made you dinner.” Ellie said proudly, “So sit.”

She left abruptly to retrieve the food.

You chuckled and sat. Joel pushed you in like a gentleman and then placed your napkin in your lap. “Wine Madame?” He was trying to do a french accent but it oddly just sounded somehow even more texan.

You giggled, “Oui Monsieur.”

He laughed, “Am I not garcon?

“A little boy?”

He looked flustered, “Oh…I reckon I don't know much French.” He filled your glass almost to the brim. He looked nervous.

You giggled again, “I don't either.”

Ellie walked in with a massive pot. It was a stew loaded with meat and potatoes. Then she went back to the kitchen and brought out some bread rolls that she learned to make from a sweet old lady. 

“Ellie…what is this about?”

“I just– I just wanted to do something special for you. Joel said that you mentioned doing this before and I thought it might be something nice for you. I just…you fucking saved me.”

“Ellie–”

“No, I know. It still just sucks. How do you thank someone for saving your life ya know?”

“Easy.” you smiled lovingly at her.

She tilted her head in curiosity. 

“You live yours baby.”

She moved to you quickly, and sat in your lap.You held her tightly, and she pressed into the nook of your neck.

Joel shuffled and stealthily wiped his eyes.

She sat up and looked at you, her eyes were red, “I don't really want to cry any more.”

“Then hop up, and let's eat.”

She hugged you again and then stood.

“Tell me about what you made me.”

She smiled and told you about everything in great detail.

Dinner was immaculate, that sounds over the top but it truly was. Once you had all cleaned your plates she returned to the kitchen and brought out a pie. A pie!!! You don't want to admit it, really you don't, but you ate half of it.

You were so proud of her and kept flooding her with compliments. 

When everyone finished, you tried to help clean but they shooed you away. Joel grabbed your plate from you and whispered in your ear, “Go take a shower, I'll be up in a minute,” and gave you a rather passionate kiss.

You ran upstairs and took a very quick shower, your body was throbbing with anticipation. But alas, with belly full wine, pie, bread, and stew- after your warm relaxing shower- laying on your comfy bed that smelled of Joel's masculine scent- with a content mind and body, you fell asleep in record time.

When he entered the bedroom he saw you splayed out on top of the bed. “Sweetheart?” he asked softly- when he heard you deep breaths he immediately knew that you were asleep. It was hard to be disappointed when you looked so beautiful. He softly caressed your cheek, almost in awe of how incredibly lucky he was. He managed to gently maneuver you so that you were under the covers. He tucked you in and kissed the tip of your nose.

Then he unbuttoned his shirt, opened the dresser, and hid the ring back inside.

--------

if I forgot to tag you I am so sorry: @givemeth , @farintonorth

[silly-comics]

I got a question or more, sorry if they is dumb it probably is, anyway

Anything New About The Comic That You Got Done Yet? Not Rushing

And that last ask got me wondering sorry if this is the dumbest question, but why do you ship killer x cross and Horror x dust? If you don't mind me asking

I have no problem with the ships they just seem off to me but that's my opinion so I just wanted to know why or your opinion on why you ship them?

Sorry if it's dumb I just wanna know

Back to the question this is the last one

What ships do you find gross or disturbing? I just want your look on things

Ik this is long I'm sorry-

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been going through one of my depressive episodes and I typically fall out of drawing for months when those happen. So I haven’t really made any progress on the comic, which is what I know yall don’t wanna hear. School should be starting back up again sometime soon though and I’ll be forced to draw so I’ll probs get back into then.

For your second question:

I ship Killer X Cross because I think their dynamic would be interesting and a bit goofy. Killer being the bastard he is goes well with Cross who would balance him out and perhaps make less bad choices. On the other hand, Killer could teach Cross how to loosen up a bit and live a little. They can also both relate on the “I was once sharing a body with Chara” thing lol. Plus, I think Cross could maybe have the same end effect that Color would have on Killer in that if they were to realize that maybe being under Nightmares power isn’t so healthy, Cross could help steer Killer towards the path of freedom?

Horror x Dust is a little more tricky to explain. I feel it came more from a place of necessity rather than genuine love for each other? They got together to stabilize each other while under Nightmare, it was a way to cope. It’s a bit toxic with Horror’s constant paranoia/distrustfulness/anger issues and Dust’s apathy/indifference and the tendency to dissociate as well as major move swings. I like to think there’s a time where they eventually work this stuff out and can actually be together, I don’t think it’s realistic. At least without another outsiders help, like shipping Horror with Farm and Dust with Fell. If it was more of a poly, the other two could help stabilize Horror and Dust I feel.

I love angst and stuff but at the same time it makes my heart ache so much 😭 so these aren’t like the only pairings I like with the group. I like the idea of it being a poly of all of them, including Nightmare, with varying levels of closeness.

For the ships I find gross/disturbing: I feel like the obvious ones do not need to be named, so just the proship ones. I’m not usually the type to go on a rant about proshipping and stuff, so I’ll leave it at that.

If you’re asking what type of ships I personally dislike though, that answer is also a little boring as I don’t really mind what other people think as long as it’s not weird. Like, I’ll occasionally see something like Nightmare X Fresh and the most I’ll do is question where that idea came from. Good art is good art so you’ll get a like from me no matter the subject (besides the obvious boundaries).

Also, guys, you gotta stop apologizing cause I love ranting and answering your questions 🥺 you guys have been very kind

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

A contradictory one, 5 and angsty!! 🤣

Warnings: Descriptions of a deep depressive episode and it's effects on daily life.

Harry felt so absolutely helpless when you were like this. He knew that you were going through a lot and were deeply depressed, but he didn't know how bad. You'd been friends for a while and he knew that this was something that you struggled with occasionally and right now you were in a really bad place and he just wanted to make contact, maybe go out for a coffee or even just have a meal at yours to ensure you were alive and then he'd go.

You felt bad because you had dodged his calls and texts for weeks now because you were ashamed of the condition you were in. You would always respond days later when he'd ask to hang out or just let your phone ring when you'd see his name light up your screen. You knew he meant well, but you didn't want anyone to see you like this, especially him. Your home was dark and cold, you had probably been in the same clothes all week and the last time you had a shower was 4 days ago. You were hungry, but had no energy to cook the groceries you'd had delivered the week before. They were probably spoiled by now. Your garbage was stacked with take out containers and you just couldn't bare the thought of having to walk down the hall to dump the bag down the garbage chute. You knew your kitchen sink was stacked with mugs of unfinished tea, and your clean laundry was just stacked up on a corner of your bed. You just felt so sluggish and low and down. You couldn't do anything. When your doorbell rang you groaned and stood, you were expecting your lunch order.

You dragged your feet through your apartment, already dreading the sunlight that would surely assault your vision when you opened up the door.

"Hey." you heard Harry's voice as you squinted to try and see him.

"What're you doing here?" you asked him with a frown.

"I came to check on you because you've been avoiding me for weeks! You've left me on read since Tuesday!" he reminded you.

"To be fair I'm leaving everyone on read, H." you assured your friend with a faint smile that definitely didn't reach your eyes.

"Even more cause for me to check if you're alive." he said and then sighed.

"Can I come in?" he asked you and you shook your head.

"No." you said immediately.

"I promise I won't overstay, brought you some stuff." he said as he raised his shoulder to draw your attention to his tote and as you looked over it you could see a bouquet of tulips peeking out of the back.

"It's not that I'm not happy to see you. S'just...everything's really untidy and I just...I don't want you to see me like this, OK?" you said and he nodded.

"It's alright, I understand. I've been there." he assured you and you sighed, "I just want to help, love." he said to you.

"I know...I know everyone wants to help but like...I can't do anything right now and I-"

"You don't have to do anything. You just get back in bed and pass out if you want. I got you some actual good noise cancelling headphone because the ones you have suck." he said and you smiled at him and shook your head, "Just let me be here with you for a little bit." he appealed. You weighed the options out in your mind and well, you did want someone to just be with you... but you were embarrassed...and well, you just pushed yourself to get over it as you nodded.

"OK." you finally agreed and he smiled, "Just...don't judge...remember this place how I usually have it." you said and he smiled.

"I'd never judge you." he assured you and you smiled at him, you knew it was true.

"Thanks." you said softly before you let him inside. It was impossible not to notice how messy everything actually was the deeper he went into your flat. It made him sad for you. He'd definitely been in a depression where he was in this condition. Where everything seemed impossible. It was really awful and demoralizing. "I don't want to take you to my room...s'a disaster." you explained.

"That's alright. Let's set this down first." he suggested and you nodded as you guided him over to your little dining table. It was stacked up with mail but nothing more. "These are obviously for you." he said as he carefully pulled out the bouquet of pink and yellow tulips and handed them to you.

"They're lovely, thank you." you hummed and he smiled.

"Course. And I brought you peanut m&m's, hot Cheetos but baked for obvious health reasons," he added and you giggled, "And I made some zucchini bread as well." he said with a grin, he knew you loved his zucchini bread, "I also brought you a bath bomb that I personally loved when I got it." he shared and you smiled, "And then the lady at the store also up-sold me into getting you two more bath bombs and a neck pillow for your tub." he said and you shook your head as he pulled the paper baggy out of his tote, "She gave me the most popular ones they have." he explained and then pulled out the pillow.

"Well thank you, I appreciate it." You thanked him and while you were initially caught off guard, you were glad that he had dropped by. It was nice to talk to someone and be distracted from all of the negativity that was clouding your mind. You knew that there were far better things for Harry to be doing with his time, so you felt even more grateful for his time and attention. After chatting for about half an hour you actually had shared your lunch with him and he persuaded you to talk a walk with him around your apartment complex just to help "get your food down" before he left you to it. But of course, the sunlight and light breeze did wonders for your mood.

"Can we just...sit for a second?" you asked him before you turned around to get back to your building and he nodded. You both sat on a bench by the little path and you closed your eyes and exhaled slowly. Harry just stayed silent, but close to you, his warmth beside you made the moment feel more wholesome. It'd been at least a week since you'd gone outside. It was just so emotional and you couldn't help it as your eyes teared up. When you felt Harry's hand squeeze yours you inhaled sharply. "I'm OK, I promise. It's just been a while since I've managed to come out." you explained as you blinked away your tears.

"It's alright." he assured you. After another 10 minutes or so you started walking back slowly in silence. And when you got back to your door he was planning on just grabbing his things and going.

"H-harry, do you maybe wanna stay over? If you don't have plans!" you added, "We could set up a little fort in the living room and watch movies or a show? I'm sure I can manage to at least fold my laundry with supervision." you said and he nodded and smiled.

"Yeah, of course." he agreed and you smiled.

"Alright, just ummm make yourself at home. I'm think I'm just gonna have a shower." you said, more than ready to make use of the surge of energy that little walk gave you.

"Probably a bath too, yeah?" he asked.

"I don't want to leave you alone for too long." you explained.

"S'alright. I brought a book." he assured you.

"Positive?" you asked him again and he nodded.

"S'why I brought the stuff, so you can relax a little."

"OK, thank you. I swear, I won't be more than an hour." you said and he chuckled.

"It's alright, take you time. " he assured you and you smiled and thanked him before you headed off with a couple of the things he'd bought for you.

*******

Harry was more than happy that you'd elected to take the headphones with you, probably to listen to music while you had a bath. But while you showered he decided that he'd tidy up your kitchen quickly and efficiently. He washed your mugs and threw out anything spoiled in your fridge, and wiped down the counters, swept, and mopped even if you hadn't really cooked, and when he finished that he went to throw out your garbage. He even took to dusting around your apartment, staying out of your room like you'd asked.

When you finally came out to change you put all of your clean clothes in the hamper to fold it while you hung out. You set it down where Harry was in the living room watching TV now.

"Feel better?"

"Much better." you hummed and he smiled, "Just gonna grab some water." you said and hurried off and you audibly gasped as you walked into your kitchen. You hurried back out to the living room, "Harry!"

"What?" he asked nonchalantly and you pouted as your eyes glazed over with tears.

"You shouldn't have." you sniffled and he stood and hugged you tight.

"I wanted to. Told you, I've been through this before, love. And I know that while you don't have the energy to fix it, seeing it all messy and whatnot makes you feel even worse about yourself...it's this awful cycle that just...makes you feel really bad and it's just something small honestly, I'm sorry if I overstepped I just-"

"Thank you." you cried in his arms and he smiled sympathetically as he hugged you a bit tighter. You had honestly been feeling so alone, but were so ashamed to let anyone see you like this. It was easy to avoid people or to pretend like everything was fine when you'd have your work meetings over zoom. This was a nice interruption to your pattern as as you hugged him you decided that you would not be sleeping in the living room. You could clean your room a bit as well and be comfortable for the night.

Once you'd calmed down you decided to wash your bedding and tidy up a bit and you even let Harry vacuum your bedroom while you folded your laundry. With help, these tasks didn't feel draining. It was also that all the nice things he'd done for you today were helping you feel a bit better.

As you laid together in bed that night you talked about a lot of things until Harry fell asleep. Unfortunately, you'd been battling some insomnia, it was a common symptom with your depression, so it took you a little bit longer, but when he turned into your side pulled you against him instead of fighting it you just relaxed into his hold until you also fell asleep. You woke up exactly the same way, with him cuddling you close. And while you knew that you were nowhere near the end of this depressive episode, you felt hopeful that slowly and surely, things would start to get better.

READ MORE PICTURE PROMPT BLURBS HERE!

[scottpetersen]

Honestly, I think that Scrooge would have some rather fascinating thoughts about Darth Maul. After all, as shown in the episode ‘The Most Dangerous Game…Night!’, Scrooge believes that family is about loving each other and still having a strong bond while persevering through the ways they drive each other crazy and that’s how his family operates as shown in the episode ‘The Fight For Castle McDuck!’ where Scrooge and his family were ultimately able to look past their conflict and help each other. But Darth Maul’s relationship with his brother Savage Opress was a somewhat twisted reflection of that since, as shown in the episode ‘Revival’, Maul does genuinely love his brother deep down to the point that he showed a lot of concern for him when his arm was cut off but, due to Maul’s allegiance to Sith ideologies which strongly discourage such bonds and heavily encourages conflict, he refused to accept his brother’s affection and came into conflict with him from time to time. So, Scrooge and Maul both love their families despite their conflict with them but Scrooge perseveres through that conflict whereas Maul indulges in the conflict itself. This means that Scrooge would probably respect Maul for how much he’s ultimately willing to look past his conflict with his brother Savage in order to help him but Scrooge would probably also be off-put by how much Maul doesn’t fully embrace that bond due to Maul’s allegiance to the ideologies of what is essentially a cult with a dangerous belief system, especially considering that, as shown in the episode ‘The Shadow War Part 1: The Night Of De Spell!’, Scrooge almost lost his family forever when he pushed them away. There’s also the fact that Scrooge’s philosophy about self-reliance and working hard is actually somewhat similar to how hard Maul worked to serve his master Darth Sidious back when he worked for him. After all, as shown in the episode ‘The Outlaw Scrooge McDuck!’, Scrooge strongly believed in self-reliance and working hard and, as the YouTuber Star Wars Theory explained in their How Darth Maul BUILT His RARE Lightsaber (Animated) - Star Wars Explained, Maul worked for days without food or water to make his double-bladed lightsaber in the Darth Maul: Shadow Hunter novel. So, Scrooge might also hold some respect for Maul for his sheer determination. However, as shown in the short story ‘Nameless’ in Star Wars Tales #10, Maul was content with being nothing but a tool for Darth Sidious at the time and, as shown in the episode ‘The Secret(s) Of Castle McDuck!’, Scrooge was taught to fend for himself at a very young age which caused him to strive to fulfill his desire to become the richest duck in the world. So, Scrooge would probably be shocked to see someone like Maul be content with being someone else’s lapdog.

Also, both Scrooge and Maul had a hard time grasping companionship. As shown in the episode ‘The Shadow War Part 1: The Night Of De Spell!’, Scrooge was really depressed after pushing his loved ones away but tried to get himself to think that he was better off without them before Lena convinced him otherwise and, as the YouTuber Sage’s Rain pointed out in their Understanding Darth Maul’s Rage - Lonely Vengeance (Star Wars) YouTube video, Maul was desperate for campanionship after his brother Savage’s death and his mother Mother Talzin’s death to the point that it was one of the reasons why he tried to recruit Ahsoka Tano and later Ezra Bridger as his apprentices but, thanks to his former master Darth Sidious, he couldn’t comprehend that campanionship isn’t based on what the Sith preach about manipulation and dominance. So, Scrooge tried to run away from campanionship before realizing it isn’t something to run away from whereas Maul tried to cling to campanionship but it always slipped out of his grasp. There’s also the fact that Scrooge and Maul both had strained relationships with the people who raised them but those relationships turned out to be very different at the end of the day. As also shown in the episode ‘The Secret(s) Of Castle McDuck!’, Scrooge had a strained relationship with his father Fergus McDuck but Fergus, knowing that he didn’t have enough to provide for Scrooge, taught his son Scrooge to be self-reliant. And, as shown in the episode ‘The Lawless’, Darth Sidious turned his back on Maul and killed his brother Savage. So, Fergus let Scrooge out of his arms gently whereas Darth Sidious threw Maul away and cast him aside.

[karizard-ao3]

My reactions to the End of Evangelion

First, I know I have some asks about romcom Shinji waiting for me, but I felt I must watch this first because I am a little bit freaked out about what's going to happen and I need to just face it and get it out of the way. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to want to think about cute romcom Shinji afterward to aid my recovery. I have been led to believe it's pretty intense.

I am literally sitting here with the remote, avoiding pressing play.

Okay. I did it. It's starting.

I wonder if this is with the new VAs. Did they redub this as well? I'll find out soon.

The world is flooded, it looks like.

Shinji visiting Asuka and asking for help.

This is the new dub.

Ope, he accidentally made her naked.

Jesus Christ, Shinji.

Confirmed that their intent is to force humanity to evolve. They wanted to use Lilith but instead will have to use Unit 1, its only offspring, since the Spear of Longinus is lost.

Yui chose to stay in the Eva. "The human condition lies in how it struggles for survival".

There's Rei.

She finally broke the glasses.

Shinji's music player ran out of battery. He's just been laying there thinking about what a creep he is.

Misato found the real truth behind the second impact. Should I go back and pause to read the page?

Seele's trying to hack NERV HQ.

So was Unit 0 made from Adam, then?

Wait. So, Seele wants to do the forced evolution, yes? What is Gendo's motive in all this?

They're hiding the kids in their Evas. Rei is missing.

Shinji is hiding. Is he jerking off again?

These guys are going through and very efficiently killing everyone in NERV.

No, Shinji is just feeling depressed and hopeless and probably hating himself.

How does Rei feel about all her destroyed bodies?

They were about to kill Shinji and he was going to let them, but here comes Misato to save the day!

"Help, Asuka. Help me." Suicidal Shinji.

Humanity caused the second impact by trying to revert Adam to an egg state before he could awaken any more angels. Humanity came from Lilith and is the 18th Angel. I was not expecting that.

The other Angels were humanity how it could have been.

Shinji needs to destroy the Evas to prevent the third impact and save mankind.

Okay, so the human instrjmentality project is Gendo ans that's the forced evolution. Third impact is Seele's goal. I think.

Asuka has woken up.

They're bombing outside her capsule.

Does that let her sync?

Did she see her mom because she died? Oh no.

Oh, wait, it was the first thing.

The AT field was her mother protecting her? Is her mom also in the Eva? Are they really just farming people's mothers to make Evas?

Go, girl! Kick ass, Asuka.

She's so happy to realize her mother loves her.

There's the other Evas. Are they also crafted from mothers?

It's nice to see Asuka with her confidence back.

Which one got shot?

Misato.

I thought probably given ep. 25 (was it?)

Shinji does bad things to other people to hurt himself.

That's a good message from Misato.

And then she went and did that. Ugh. Misato, I knew you were going to do some shit like this. And promising him the rest when he gets back. What a weirdo. But I guess she's dead now? That's too bad.

Ritsuko is sabotaging Gendo.

But she failed.

The spear of longinus is back and it got her!

I was wondering if they would stay down. She probably has to destroy the S2 drive.

Do these ones have pilots?

Oh, they're eating her. And she is connected by nerve link.

Ohhhhhh no. Asuka...

He couldn't go to the Eva so the Eva is coming to him.

He saw what happened to Asuka and absolutely lost his shit.

Should I take a break to discuss this half of the movie since it's split into episodes, or should I wait? Umm.... I have until the end of this song to decide, I think. Uh... I think I'll just wait until the very end.

Rei's arm fell off.

Gendo wants to reunite with Yui, which is something I had kind of toyed with as an idea because he talks about her a lot and is very partial to everything that relates to Yui except for Shinji (maybe sees too much of himself in the boy), but I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about it because I hate Gendo and he keeps hooking up with other scientists.

He has become one with Adam somehow. He needs to unite Adam and Lilith to commence the human instrumentality project and then go to where Yui is (the quantum plane, perhaps?)

Quite honestly, I'm still not completely clear on what Seele wants versus what Gendo wants.

He stuck his whole hand inside her.

Rei senses Shinji screaming.

Were there two spears of Longinus?

Oh, they made a replica.

They are rerutning man and Evas to their true forms.

Several replicas.

They're going to use Unit 1 and therefore Shinji as a sacrifice.

This is the lead up to the third impact.

There is a huge explosion.

Looks like an eye.

They're returning earth to its true form?

Rei decides not to help Gendo. And she regrew her hands. She's going up to help Shinji by going in Lilith.

And with that, Lilith is fixed, with her legs not weird anymore.

That is Lilith, right? That's what Kaworu said?

A giant incorporeal Rei to the rescue!

Shinji screaming at the sight of Rei.

They're syncing with Rei. Once again, that's a lot of fucking Reis.

Shinji is losing his mind.

kaworu appears, coming out of Rei's body. But there's the spear. It's absorbed the spear. Now he's in the tree of life.

"Rei is in your heart. A perfect reflection of your wishes."

"What do you wish for?"

He's alone at the playground because the other kids went home with their mom and he doesn't have one.

His little Mary Janes.

Built the sand castle, knocked it down in a fit of rage, then started trying to put it back together and crying.

Did this stuff Shinji is seeing actually happen or is it happening in his head as part of human instrumentality?

Now he's choking her.

Seeing all the worst of humanity.

Shinji bouncing back and forth between everyone should die because they don't love me, and I should die because I don't matter to anyone.

Rei just sprouted from the atmosphere.

Everyone is truning to jelly. Primordial soup.

"I'd only hurt Shinji. That's why I left him alone." He's just like Shinji fr.

The Eva series are shoving the spears further in.

Rei is vacuuming something into her palms, it looks like. Is that souls?

The tree of life thing just went into the eye hole/ keyhole/ vag in her head.

Now we've got some actual footage from the real world.

"You made a convenient fantasy to get revenge on reality."

Rei and Shinji are kind of fused together. Everyone is merged into one, which is what Rei said Shinji wished for. But he realizes that's not really what he wanted.

AT fields are what keep us separate and cause our pain, but Shinji realizes that he wants to be with others again more than he wants to run away from the pain.

So now Rei is bringing everyone back, I think?

Yui wanted to make the Eva to be a testament that humanity existed even after the universe dies.

Shinji wakes up next to a red sea abd Asuka. Shinji sees Rei for just a moment, and then she'd gone. There is a red ring around the earth. He's trying to choke her and crying, then she touches his face softly and he stops. He cries. She calls him disgusting and the movie ends.

In Conclusion

Well.

Well, well, well.

First off: I am still confused because it seems like Seele and Gendo were trying for the same thing and I am really not sure of the difference. Maybe it was just a matter of how they wanted to carry it out. I feel like I must be dumb as a rock for not getting it, but also maybe it's just mental priorities. I spent more mental energy trying to figure out other stuff.

This movie leaves me with a lot to think about. I'm already googling things about it, but I'm going to stop for now. I want to let it percolate a bit more, I think. Also, I should watch my DVD extras! Probably not today, though. I need to spend some time with my kid.

It seems that the third impact still affected the planet, but Shinji elected to have everyone be individuals so it was an apocalypse but not one that turned everyone into a single, liquid consiousness.

I don't really think everyone's Eva is infused with their mother, but I'm a little perplexed by Asuka saying her mother is why she has an AT field. Maybe she just meant because of how her mother shaped her identity. Not really sure. I mean, I would understand if Shinji had that revelation but not sure on Asuka.

Yeah, this is another one that's going to have to sit for a while in my head, I think. There's a lot to sort through.

I do love that the connection between mother and child seems to be so important in this series. It's kind of sad because Shinji feels so alone and uncared for, but we can see that his mother is always watching him and protecting him, whether it's as Rei or as Unit 1 or as a metaphysical version of herself. But we also see Asuka dealing with a lack of love from her mother. That poor girl.

Also, can we really love anyone when they are mixed together in a soup with us? Shinji could be merged with everyone in the LCL sea but they were no longer separate people, so he still couldn't really be with them, because there was no longer a them to be with.

I do slightly wish the objectives between Seele and Gendo had been slightly clearer. I get that it's all secondary to the real message but I get hung up on this kind of stuff when it's not clicking.

Yeah, I don't think I've got anything really definitive to say right now. This is definitely another thinker and I need time to let my thoughts form.

I am left wanting more. Not of the story, but just of seeing the characters together. I wish we could get an Evangelion slice of life series and just see their day to day lives as Eva pilots with only a very loose plot to tie the series together. I want to see them all existing and coexisting and I think I could happily watch several seasons of that.

Okay, well, I have a couple people to text now that I've finished the movie and I need to sit and think some more. I want to look up more stuff but I feel like maybe I should wrap up this watching experience with a better conclusion post. I think I will try (only try, no promises-I've got a head full of questions) to hold off on looking anything up while I sort through things and maybe look at my notes and then attempt to gather together my thoughts and post them.

I will also think about those Shinji romcom asks.

This was a very good show. I will definitely be watching again, and quite possibly very soon. I confess that I put in a bid for a boxed set of the Perfect collection, which should have the original dub, so if I win it I'm going to buy it and then watch it with the original dub because I'm curious to see the difference.