#preferably in simple terms since I’m disabled

[blog-of-atlas]

I have a hard time understanding aromanticism (if that’s the correct word) like not liking sex that I can get behind but romance? Like isn’t romance just another word for love? Isn’t every relationship like friendships inherently romantic? Like do aros not feel that warm weird feeling when they are around loved ones?? What do they mean by romance? Doesn’t all life experience love? Or is it wrong to view love as a singular thing? Like I don’t differentiate between love for family friends or romantic partners it’s all the same love for me.

I can’t imagine a lack of romantic feelings like it seems so ingrained into life itself that people have feelings for each other. Am I missing something?

Would appreciate getting some handholding there ^^“

[rhysandshiftingthespectrum]

Introductory Post

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

Hello, shifter. I’m Rhysand (pronounced Reese-Sund), also known as Rhys (pronounced Reese). I’m a Neurodivergent, Queer, and Nonhuman Reality Shifter. Come along on my journey with me, let’s see how many bonds we can make along the way. :]

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

About Me (Neurodivergency)

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

I’m undiagnosed AuDHD (Autism + ADHD), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), and Pure O OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) (trying to get these diagnosed ASAP), medically recognized SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder)(also trying to get this diagnosed ASAP), and diagnosed MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Probably have PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and/or PME (Premenstrual Exacerbation), and hoping to get that diagnosed ASAP as well.

I also have undiagnosed ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), APD (Auditory Processing Disorder), and a majority of other “smaller” related things to my main neurodivergencies and mental illnesses (mainly things related to my AuDHD and OCD).

I don’t yet feel confident to label myself as disabled (because I don’t want to intrude on the disabled community or mislabel myself as such), but I probably am, due to my severe executive dysfunction, and several other things.

I’m in therapy, and I adore my therapist, even though they call me out constantly. (Keeping their name, pronouns, and terms secret for privacy reasons.)

Tone tags are appreciated when talking to me, since I am tired of guessing what people actually mean. If you aren’t sure what some are, how to use them, or what they mean, just ask me and I’ll give you some answers. Or look it up yourself! :]

My Special Interests Are: Wings Of Fire, Harry Potter, Neurodivergency and Disabilities as a whole, and Dragons in general.

My Current Hyperfixation(s): Nothing, and I’m in need of fucking dopamine.

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

About Me (Reality Shifting)

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

I’ve been aware of the shifting community since around 2020 or 2021. I discovered it from Tiktok, and did my own research into it immediately. Unfortunately, there wasn’t that many good resources, so my understanding of it was very simple, and my mindset was very poor. I tried shifting for a while at first, but then took a huge break from it, only trying every now and then, until early 2024. Now, with the help of shiftblr, I’ve been able to grow my knowledge of it and get motivation and mindset changes. I’ve also shifted to a parallel reality since joining shiftblr. I now attempt to shift actively (every night), and usually get a fair amount of symptoms. I am debating on permashifting to my Better CR DR right now.

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

About Me (Queer Identity)

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

I’m a Genderfluid Genderflux Non-Binary TransGuy. I experience a lot of genders within that label, so I can’t say them all here. Been feeling agender with a dash of masculine for quite a bit now, though.

I use any pronouns except for She/Her. My main pronouns are He/They/It/Xe/Ze/Ne, and I also very much love nounself and emojiself pronouns. I like 🌙/🌙’s/🌙self a lot, and any other emojiself ones.

I’m comfy with Masculine, Neutral, Thing, Creature/Critter, Fey, Hylian, and Dragon terms.

I’m AroAce, Aromantic and Myrsexual (Neuroasexual, Nebulasexual, Requiesexual, Rosesexual, Dreadsexual, Placiosexual, and Merosexual), and I’m Homoalterous, Omniqueerplatonic, Panexteramo, Pansensual, and Panaesthetic.

I’m Ambiamorous with no preference.

I’m also a Lesboy and T4T.

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

About Me (Nonhumanity)

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

I’m a Polytherian, Otherkin, Otherlink, Otherfix, Otherhearted, and Fictionflicker nonhuman.

My Theriotypes are: Wolf (Vancouver Coastal Sea Wolf), Fox (Red Fox), Lynx (Canada Lynx), Snow Leopard, Norwegian Forest Cat, and Nurse Shark..

My Kintypes are: Fiction (Dark Fey, Forest Type, from the Maleficent movies), Dragon (SilkWing/SeaWing hybrid), Dragon (Night-Light Fury Hybrid), and Raccoon.

My Linktypes are: Owl (Snowy or Barn) and Sable.

My Fictionflicker types have been: An OC Species of mine (Orphinki) and Hylian.

My hearttypes are: Whale Shark.

I’ve been awakened since around April of 2024. My Dark Fey kintype is probably because of a past life, although I don’t really have any solid memories of it, more just a great sense of things that were from that life. The rest of my nonhumanity is likely due to my neurodivergency. I don’t experience many shifts, but when I have, they have been partial shifts. I experience a lot of species dysphoria and species envy, though.

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

About Me (Other)

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

I’m a minor (16).

I’m taken by my lovely boyfriend ( @thesunnishboy ) and I am not looking for any more partners. (He’s also a reality shifter!)

I’m Agnostic, a bit spiritual, and am very respectful of others’ religions.

I’m celiac, and have a dairy intolerance, so fun for me (sarcasm).

I stand very much with Palestine.

I swear loads, so beware of that.

I have one older sibling (She/Her), who is also queer and a master shifter. She can shift literally whenever she wants to. She has the mindset all shifters dream of.

I love asks, so never ever feel afraid to send one!

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

Frequent Anons:

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

First Anon - 🧈

Second Anon - 🥀

Third Anon - 🐝

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

Links

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

DR Masterlist.

List Of Shifting Symptoms.

Notion DR Script Templates.

My Queer Labels.

My Card.

My Carrd.

@rhyswiththeshiftingzone - My other shifting account. (Pretty active.)

@rhysthedarkforestfey - My Dark Fey Otherkin account. (Not very active.)

@rhysthenonhuman - My Nonhuman account. (Not very active.)

@themanirealityshifter - My random/shifting account. (Not very active.)

@neurodivergentshiftingcultureis - My Neurodivergent Shifting Culture ask blog.

@toomuchdivergentformyneuro - My Neurodivergent account. (Active.)

@rhysandtheangelofthesunandmoon - My Greek Gods DR account. (Active.)

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

DNI List

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

Any queerphobes (including those against intersex, mspec lesbians and gays, lesboys, turigirls, gaybians, etc., just basically any contradictory label, radqueers, TERFs, and SWERFs), racists, sexists, proshippers, those who romanticize age-regressors and pet-regressors, ableists (including those who demonize personality disorders), those who romanticize any sort of mental illness, neurodivergency, and disability, anti-shifters, those against permashifters, respawners, and race-changers, those against endogenic/non-traumagenic/etc. or mixed origins or unknown origins systems, those against Palestine, those who’s blogs are Christian or God/Jesus Christ themed heavy (nothing against y’all, just have trauma with it), those who directly send NSFW stuff towards me, those who can’t respect boundaries, JK Rowling supporters, and just about anybody else that makes me uncomfortable. I will block freely.

𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸𖥸

[ko-fanatic]

Blood, Guts and Chocolate Cake

Rating: Mature

Fandom: Danganronpa

Pairings: IshiMondo

Summary:

Mondo Owada, the Ultimate Bodyguard, is entering a four year contract with one Kiyotaka Ishimaru, the Ultimate Idol. It makes sense, two Ultimates put together for their high school careers, and he could use the steady pay check to send home to Daiya; those medical bills were a bitch, and it was his fault the accident happened in the first place.

It was supposed to be easy, guard the cutesy, clean-cut idol from perverts and stalkers, no big deal! However, the world's perception of Kiyotaka Ishimaru was far different than what the young idol had become. During the first few months before even stepping into Hope's Peak, he's more worried for the young boy than he's ever been for anyone before.

TW: Alcohol, and eating disorders (both restrictive behaviours and B/P), mentions of disability, underage sex/sexualisation, drugs

The hallways of this damn building were too long.

That was definitely the first impression Mondo got, being led down said monotonous hallways by a young woman with an expression which implied that she simply wasn’t paid enough to care about small talk. Not that he had any room to judge, hands shoved in his pockets and a permanent scowl on his face. He might’ve been going to review an upcoming contract, but the best thing about his position was that there was no need to be all smiley; Hope Peak’s choice for Ultimate Bodyguard was all the credentials he needed at this point. 

Still, he couldn’t help but feel a bit intimidated by how long he would be working with these record label types. He couldn’t deny it made sense - hire the Ultimate Bodyguard to protect the Ultimate Idol, sound logic; it was just that a four year contract was… a lot. That wasn’t even thinking about the fact he was going to be glued to the guy’s hip for all that time, having to get along no matter what. Would he even have time to make friends of his own? Doubtful. Still, a paycheck was a paycheck, and he’d have to go to some highschool anyway, so kill two birds with one stone. 

He’d never had an issue smiling through vapid celebrity bullshit before. It was going to be an easy ride, too; from what he knew, the guy was as prim and proper as they came. Real boy next door image. Easy to take care of, and mainly just telling overzealous fans to back the fuck up. Simple. 

His inner monologue was broken by an abrupt stop, the woman only sending a bored glance his way before knocking. The door was pushed ajar with the quiet muttering of “Mondo Owada to see you, gentlemen”, before he was unceremoniously shepherded into the room. 

It was just as big as you’d expect from a building like this, with a gargantuan desk and several business-types sitting across from him. They were even backlit by a floor-to-ceiling window showing Tokyo in all its glory - like some cheesy ass movie. Still, taking a cursory glance around the room, he couldn’t see anyone fitting the description of “teen idol”, let alone Ishimaru himself...

“Owada-san, good afternoon!” One of the men greeted cheerfully, clasping his hand in one of those firm yet professional grips he’d gotten used to since rising up in his career, “My name is Shiro Kamei, and these gentlemen are Kenshin Aki and Yutaka Hayashida. We’re Kiyotaka Ishimaru-san’s managers.”

“Well, that answers one question,” He shrugged, not sugarcoating his words, but not being as rude as he certainly could be, “But I don’t see Ishimaru-san around. If I’m meeting with anyone, I personally think it should be with the guy I’m gonna be with 24/7, for the next four years.”

“Of course!” Kamei-san chirped, far too cheerful for his taste, especially considering the stench of ass-kissing that followed it. Not sincere, but too many meetings like this one had trained him to swallow down the vomit that threatened to spew from the fakeness of it all. 

“Ishimaru-san will be here soon,” Hyashida-san intoned, temperament a bit more palatable than Mr Chipper, “He’s a rather busy young man, being an idol of his caliber. Dance practice is just wrapping up, any minute now, so we can use this time to have a little chat - go through expectations for your role and such.”

Mondo managed to stop himself raising an eyebrow at that. Like he wasn’t the best bodyguard in Japan. He guessed it was something needed for a job of this sort, not temping or whatever, and so he settled down for a bunch of timewasting jabber. 

Or, it was, until a certain request caught his attention.

“We also expect him to be kept out of, well… trouble…”

“Thought he was a cutesy, innocent kid?” He frowned, sitting a little straighter in his seat, attention piqued, “I’m guessing he’s the kind to get mouth-breathers and creeps, huh?”

The three men looked a little more caged at that remark. A couple cleared throats, a few tugged collars and cuffs, awkward air. 

“Yes, there have been incidents, but nothing previous security couldn’t handle,” Aki-san informed, “The issue is a recent change in attitude. Nothing much, but tugging on the leash more than necessary, if you understand my meaning.”

He did. Part of him wanted to object to the idea that a sixteen year old needed to be kept on a leash at all, but idol shit was full of PR. 

“So boy next door is going through a little rebellion, and you want me to make sure it stays on the DL,” He shrugged, “Got it.”

“I wouldn’t put it like that, Owada-san -!”

Kamei-san was interrupted by several short, sharp raps, door opening to reveal the man of the hour. 

Ishimaru was pretty, no denying that. His eyes were what really caught everyone’s attention; bright, wide and doll-like. That said nothing about his facial structure - cheekbones and jawline and everything prominent - or his barbie doll-esque frame. He was probably one of the slimmest people Mondo had ever seen, at least in person. Well, and outside of a hospital. The media went absolutely gaga over his thigh gap, his lithe abs and delicate hip bones. 

He personally prefers a little more meat on the bones, a little less fragile, but he guessed it was an idol’s job to appeal to the masses. 

“Good morning, everybody!” He beams, but honestly? The sunshine emanating from him is a lot warmer - a lot more real - than Kamei-san. He actually had to take a second to come back to himself, knocked off equilibrium. The power of the Ultimate Idol, for you. 

“Kiyotaka, this is Mon -”

“Mondo Owada,” He cuts in, wanting to introduce himself, cut the preamble, and offers his hand to shake, “‘M gonna be the one guarding you.”

Ishimaru gives him a once over, and for two seconds he thinks he sees a smirk pull at the corner of the young man’s lips, but he soon brushes it off as a trick of the light. 

“Thank you so much for accepting our proposition, Owada-san!” He grins, and Mondo hates his little bi heart at that moment. Ishimaru clasps his hand. He can’t help but feel that they’re too calloused for a pretty boy idol, but he doesn’t dwell on it, “I hope we get along well!”

He’s loud, but the words are sweet, and Mondo relaxes a little bit. Easy job, as he thought. 

---

Mondo was proven wrong in a matter of three days into his contract. He’d certainly been proven wrong far quicker than that before; however, in terms of sheer what-the-fuckery-is-this, this situation took the cake. 

The train journey to the first tour destination wasn’t bad, if tedious. Kid spent all his time reading, and Mondo had no clue how he didn’t puke all over the place from staring at the pages. He’d looked at his phone for about five minutes and was ready to lie down and accept his death. 

… Trains were not his prefered method of transportation…

Ishimaru had passed on the sandwiches on offer, but so did Mondo. No big deal. Those things sucked ass, and maybe the kid was more nauseous than he seemed. Wish that was him, considering he was pretty sure his face was pale green. 

Settling into the hotel was fine, as was the tech set up in the venue. Stress emanating off everyone, but pretty normal as far as that shit was concerned. Ishimaru was dragged between costume fittings, tech run throughs and other things that just passed in a blur. 

No, what really proved to Mondo that the pretty boy idol was going through an actual rebellious phase, was what he walked in on at 11:56pm, night three. 

He’d gotten up due to a serious inability to sleep. Seriously, did he manage to get jet lag without even switching time zones? Nah, didn’t work like that. Maybe it was second hand adrenaline from the performance being tomorrow. Ishimaru might not make his kind of music, but the guy had this infectious enthusiasm for it all. He’d be backstage, too; premo location to see everything up close. He couldn’t help the slight smile on his face, in spite of how tired he felt. 

Any fleeting, fuzzy feelings disappeared, however, when he walked into the main area of their hotel suite. 

There stood Ishimaru, back to him, very much not dressed for bed. His jeans were so tight they looked spray painted on, not to mention the sequined top that cut off to show a tantalising flash of milky pale skin.

“Where’re you off to?” 

His question seemed to startle the kid, who practically jumped three feet in the air, hand clutching his chest as he whirled on him. 

“Fuck, what’s your problem?” He gasped out. Mondo couldn’t help but let his eyes widen, having not heard the boy swear since they met. Admittedly, it was only a few days, but Ishimaru just gave off such an innocent vibe. He’d questioned if the boy even knew a swear word for a while. 

“The guy I’m meant to protect is running off into the city at midnight, and obviously didn’t plan to tell me,” He answered bluntly, “So, come on, where’re you trying to slink off to?”

“None of your business,” He sniffed, shoulders squaring, “And stop… talking to me like that. Like I’m a child. It’s annoying as shit.” 

“Alright, sor-ry, jeez,” He apologised, hands up in surrender, “Let me just grab my coat and -”

“No!” Ishimaru ground out, “I’m going out, you're staying here, and my managers are none the wiser, got it?”

Oh, that sneaky fucker. While Mondo was all for personal freedom, no way was the scrawny kid going out there to get attacked and murdered in some urine soaked alleyway. For one, it’d completely fuck up his plans for the next four years - no money to send back to Daiya, and he seriously doubted Hope’s Peak would want an Ultimate Bodyguard who let the world’s most popular idol get murdered in a matter of days. 

“Yeah, no, not happening, kid,” He shut down, reaching over the boy to get his coat, only for hands to press against his chest, stopping him. 

“What do you want then? Money?” Ishimaru asked, looking up at him through his lashes. Fuck, the kid really went all out with the makeup; smokey eyeshadow and liner, glossed lips, the whole deal, “Or I can suck your dick?”

He nearly choked at that, face hot as hell and probably an embarrassing shade of red. “N-No! What the fuck?!” He yelled, only earning a shrug in response. 

“Look, I need to go out - alone,” Ishimaru began again, arguing a point Mondo simply wasn’t going to agree with, “I need to get a little fucked up, railed into some guy’s mattress, and then I’ll come back. I’ll be here again before sunrise.”

“Tugging on the leash more than necessary”, his ass! 

“Sorry, you're talking to the wrong guy,” He dismissed, doing his best impression of Daiya’s you done fucked up voice he could, “Back to bed. Don’t think you’re sneaking out, either. I’m just gonna stay out here all night, make sure you don’t go and get yourself cut up and dumped in the river. Y’know, my job.”

“Fuck you,” Ishimaru spat, storming back to his room with a mutter of ,“Asshole…”

If Mondo knew one thing, it was this… He’d really had no idea what he was signing himself up for.

---

A/N:

WOW, it's been a while since I've written for this fandom. Thank you Taka and Mondo for being an adorable pair of dumbasses and dragging me right back into DR. Hopefully, I'll add to my old fics too, but I've got lots of new ideas I want to play with (Including two other talentswaps and two AUs!)

For now, Ouran fics are on the back burner, I'm afraid. I'm sure I'll be back to them soon enough, but I'm a bit burnt out in my OHSHC obsession, so we'll see.

Also, as always, comments really help and if you want to take any of these concepts and run, go for it! All I ask is a credit and a link if possible! :)

[sitp-recs]

Hello! Do you have any starry recommendations for draco with a serious condition/illness? Examples I��ve seen (and savored) from your blog would be “on one’s knees” and “you’ve got the antidote for me”, which I love, and want mooooore. Thanks as always for the fabulous work 💖

Hi anon, thank you! This trope breaks my heart so I haven’t read much, but I hope you enjoy these fics. Some feature disability and/or mental health issues so pls check the warnings and stay safe ❤️

Under the Ivy by coffeejujkii (2006, PG-13, 4k)

It is impressive how much you can learn about someone by simply sharing a few rooms. They don't spend time together, not really, but Harry still knows that Malfoy prefers raspberry jam over strawberry, that he hums along to the Wireless when he thinks no one is around, and that his leg is bothering him more than usual when the temperatures drop below freezing.

Blind Faith by orphan_account (2013, Mature, 21k)

Don't think of it as losing your sight. Think of it as gaining an Animagus who never quite learned the meaning of the word 'boundaries'.

To Hurt and Heal by cassisluna (2018, Teen and Up, 21k)

They say that everybody who gets out of Azkaban comes out a little mad. After the war, Draco Malfoy spends three months in Azkaban. He just wants to go insane in peace, but Harry Potter finds that he, inexplicably, still can't leave Draco alone.

Vale Sanare by RurouniHime (2011, Mature, 23k)

Draco’s world gains a new component just when he thought he’d sorted everything out.

Come For Me by Frayach (2012, Explicit, 24k)

After Draco is paralyzed in an accident, he and Harry discover a new way to make love. Please read Author's Notes!!

Somebody to Love by khasael (2015, PG, 31k)

Draco's life after the war is quite different than it used to be. When he finds himself cursed, with little hope for lifting the spell, he sets out to make the most of the time he has left. Getting to know his Aunt Andromeda and his young cousin Teddy feels like a good thing to do, even if it can't help him in the long run...or can it?

The Bucket List by GallaPlacidia (2020, Not Rated, 32k)

Draco will die in six months if he can't get Harry Potter to fall in love with him. Since that's not going to happen, he might as well spend his last days working through his Bucket List. Tap-dancing lessons? Rock climbing? Poetry-writing? Threesomes? Cocaine? Getting to know his adorable cousin, Teddy Lupin? Draco will try them all! Feat. Cheerily pessimistic Draco, devoted bitch queen Pansy Parkinson, and a Harry who can't help but notice that something seems DIFFERENT about Draco, these days.

Draco In Darkness by plumeria47 (2003, Teen and Up, 34k)

Following an accident in his seventh year, Draco loses his eyesight. At first he completely withdraws, avoiding any hint of pity, as well as any assistance; he is determined to succeed on his own. But after Harry elbows his way into Draco's dark world, both boys find themselves in a strange new friendship, and they each learn new ways to see each other ... and themselves.

Bitter Transmutation : Cruel Transformation by @dorthyanndrarry (2019, Mature, 103k)

The terms of Draco’s probation require him to finish his final year of schooling, he just wants to survive with what little dignity he has left, in face of students that hate him, falling behind on his school work, and all the strange fevers and weakness and changes… that only seem to be getting worse.

A Thousand Beautiful Things by geoviki (2004, Mature, 104k)

Draco Malfoy struggles with changed fortunes, shifted alliances, an ugly war, and an unusual spell, with the help of a concerned professor, an insightful house-elf, and an unexpected Gryffindor friend.

Kiss Me (Under the Light of a Thousand Stars) by Iwao and Sophie_French (2015, Explicit, 114k)

Harry rescues Draco Malfoy from Azkaban, where he has been imprisoned for three years after the war. Draco is not as Harry remembers, as Azkaban leaves its mark on even the strongest of wizards. With no memory of who he was or how he came to be in Harry's care, Draco needs Harry's help if he is to have any hope of making a full recovery. But Harry has his own demons to fight and together with saving Draco, Harry must also discover a way to find himself.

There Is Always the Moon by firethesound (2016, Teen and Up, 159k)

Draco's life after the war is everything he wanted it to be: it's simple, and quiet, and predictable, and safe. But when a mysterious curse shatters the peace he'd worked so hard to build, there's only one person he can trust to help him. After all, Harry Potter has saved his life before. Now Draco has to believe that Potter will be able to do it one more time. (A remix of If the Sun Goes Black by pasdexcuses)

I’m also linking the fics you’ve mentioned in case anyone wants to check them:

you've got the antidote for me by Kandakicksass (2018, Mature, 20k)

When Harry Potter unintentionally severs their soulbond before it can fully form, Draco Malfoy resigns himself to a slow death and decides not to burden Harry with a soulmate he's made it very clear he doesn't want. He's never been selfless before, but for Harry, he can try.

On One's Knees by pir8fancier (2008, Explicit, 33k)

The war is over and to the victors go the spoils. If you are triggered by infidelity, this is not the fic for you.

Way Down We Go by @xiaq (2019, M, 109k)

In which Harry and Draco both run away from their pasts and conveniently choose to hide in the same tiny American town. It's super.

[lizadale]

o

oK FINE U ASKED FOR IT. FROM THE TOP,

“Magic” is a very general blanket term use in reference to powers, abilities, etc (Character-wise, it depends who you’re asking - Bowser would never refer to his fire breathing as “magic” lol) The main three categories I use for magic have to do specifically with where those powers and abilities stem from - basically, their source. People also have a prominent element that acts as a secondary attribute. Elements can influence things like how a person uses their magic and also some personality traits.

I’m just gonna run bullet points for the three sources, so

Mind: 

*Energy is referred to as “mana”

*Magic is dependent on mental capacities. This doesn’t mean if you’re stupid or have a disability you can’t use it, it’s more to do with imagination! It’s based largely on visualizing something and then making it happen.

*This type is the most “flexible.” People with this type can slide either toward taking characteristics from body or soul if they get influenced by either of those sources (high exposure, fusion, etc) or they can also naturally lean that way.

*Energy loops through a system of channels, kind of like a circulatory system in the body but a little more elaborate. Kinda looks like this: 

Channels are more cluttered toward the extremities and more open toward the center of the body. That’s why you see most magic come from hands, since it’s an easy point of exit. They’re regulated to change output, but it’s not easy to pick and choose. Most people just keep the circuit closed unless they’re actively using magic. 

Also, the channels can be really sensitive and most damage sustained in them is irreversible. Part of Dimentio’s network is constantly exposed because he’s missing an eye (that’s why the hole glows, you’re actually seeing the magic pulse behind it) and that’s why he’s somewhat wary about keeping it covered whenever he can.

*This is the moderate aspect. Difficulty varies depending on what you’re trying to accomplish. Using a lot of magic can cause migraines, but it isn’t terribly draining.

*High resistance to mind control, but susceptible to possession. 

*Most prominent elements are air and lightning. 

Body: 

*Energy is referred to as “ki”

*Magic is stored directly in the body. If the body is in motion, it has potential for magic. Your physical state directly correlates with your output, so adrenaline rushes are handy for extra power but messes with your control a little. 

*Magic usually manifests visibly as elements.

*Since it connects with the body directly, it becomes physically taxing in the same way strenuous movement would.

*Things you can do with this type are limited. However, this is the easiest magic to use! It’s as easy as performing any other action. It doesn’t require thought or feeling. It’s very simple and natural.

*This source is generally neither vulnerable nor impervious to either of the other source types (so it’s equally at moderate risk for mind control/possession). It sits comfortably in the middle.

*Those with this type are more inclined to be in nature, are less likely to get physically sick, and enjoy high endurance levels.

*Their “channels” are uniform and more like a consistent web under the skin:

It’s easily accessible from EVERYWHERE. No preferred access points. The entire body is a weapon. 

*A lot of people with this source don’t use their magic externally (or can’t even do so, like O’Chunks) and prefer the more subtle benefits like physical strength and endurance. 

*Most prominent elements are fire and earth.

Soul:

*Energy referred to as “aura”

*Magic is influenced by the soul itself, so it’s based heavily on emotional states. More intense emotions = stronger magic as a generalization, but different emotional states can produce different effects in the same way different ideas do so for the mind source. EX: Peach’s healing is stronger when she’s calm, and she has a significantly easier time healing people she’s fond of. 

*This type is extremely hard to control compared to the other two, but it doesn’t cause any fatigue. If your soul is in tact, you can use as much magic as you want. 

*The reason it’s hard to control is it’s unpredictable and unstable, and most of the reason for that is it doesn’t involve channels. There’s no output regulation here. Instead, they have something similar to a “sphere of influence”

Like so. Aura is a permeating magic that affects things within range. Best example of this is Negative Zone - the user has an area of effect, and those effects are more intense the closer to the center you get. Peach, for instance, could just stand there and put off magic and anyone within ten feet of her will receive her healing - it’s just a lot stronger with physical touch. Similarly, users can draw energy from other presences if they’re willing.

*That sphere also applies to sixth sense. Anyone with soul source can “feel” other souls nearby. Simply walking into their range will alert them of a presence. If you’re near the user a lot, they can probably also pick you out of a crowd due to your unique energy. Luigi has a HUGE range, but BECAUSE of that range he has a hard time telling how close someone is in relation to where he’s standing. It makes haunted mansions really disturbing, because he can sense a ghost but can’t tell if it’s three rooms away or right behind him.

*High resistance to possession, not so great against mind control. 

*This is the rarest attribute; 100% of ghosts/spirits but only about 2% of the living population.

*Elements vary widely, but the most prominent is water.

...

Ok, i need to stop and take a breath fejaofojfieoa

[wangxiangiftexchange]

Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia​, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

[feynavaley]

Hi, How are you? Hope you are doing well!💜 Serious questions... 🌱1. What Harry Potter house are you? 🌱2. What are the things in you like and dislike in stories both visual and written?🌱 3.If you were to change a story (of any medium), what is the story, how would you change It and why? 🌸Answer at your own pace and comfort, if you please 😊❤️

Thank you so much! I hope you’re doing well too. 💖

1) According to Pottermore’s test, I’m a Ravenclaw. I’ve also gotten Hufflepuff in some tests though.

2) In particular, I like plots that are very complex and full of twists that cover that balance between ‘unexpected’ and ‘could have actually been predicted due to the subtle foreshadowing’. Basically, that plot twists/revelations that blow your mind because they’re at the same time surprising and very well-constructed, that make all the details click together. I also like to see a complex and nuanced characterization as well as a cast with many characters. My perfect story would have both. But, I could also enjoy a story where not all the characters are so perfectly fleshed-out if the plot is amazing and even more, I can definitely enjoy character-driven stories that are very simple plot-wise but in which the characterization is very strong and realistic. Another thing I particularly enjoy are unreliable narrators, I like trying to put together what they tell (or perceive – unreliable narrators who are unaware of being so, such as children, are also a blast to read) and what is actually happening.

As for my dislikes, instead... the first thing that comes to my mind is explicitly sexual scenes. I don’t think they add anything to the narrative, if anything, they tend to cheapen it. I would skip them altogether but I don’t for the off-chance there’s an important piece of dialogue or something somewhere in the middle. And in general, I’m not a great fan of pure romance unless it’s particularly well-written. I also dislike when a story is ~dark and edgy~ just for the sake of it.

In the specific case of visual media, I’m very picky when it comes to the art style. If I don’t like the art style, I’m not going to watch/read the story at all. For example, I tend to dislike the style that is very popular in American cartoons. I can’t stand stuff such as Steven Universe, Gravity Falls, The Griffins (that I wouldn’t watch anyway as there are other elements I don’t like), Bob’s Burgers, Teen Titans... and so on. Regarding manga/anime, instead, I’ve never been able to get into One Piece (in spite of glowing reviews from people I trust) because I dislike the art style too much. Mind, I’m not trying to claim this has anything to do with the quality of the art – it’s 100% a matter of personal preferences. Still, if I find something hideous, I’m unable to go past that impression.

3) ...You know, I actually don’t like reasoning in these terms. 😅 I find it kind of arrogant, to be honest. The mere fact I would have enjoyed something in a different way does not mean the original product has less value because of it, so to speak. In other words, I wouldn’t truly change any story because I would never dream of being so self-conceited to claim my personal preference would have been better than the vision of the original creator.

That being said, since I’m currently quite taken by FMA (that I read and watched a few months ago) at the moment, I really wish Arakawa had included a chapter (maybe an extra?) describing Al’s recovery after he regained his body. He was in a very bad shape, a lot must have happened. Moreover, Arakawa has proven to be very sensitive when dealing with matters such as disabilities so I think her take on this would have been interesting. Okay... about really changing things, instead, I really wish Van Hohenheim had been able to spend some time with his children before dying. I understand why Arakawa killed him off when she did – doing otherwise would have probably dragged the story a bit too long – but still... exploring him trying to rekindle his bond with his children – in addition, during Al’s recovery, which would add another interesting layer and challenges – could have been very interesting in my opinion. I’m not saying Arakawa did the wrong thing though. It’s just that I’m weak for family interactions and I love the three of them – Van Hohenheim, Ed, and Al – so much... 😅

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time  /  and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

[echo-bleu]

I love your blog and your writing! I have a child who was recently diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. He is high functioning, but social situations tend to be challenging. There are so many organizations and resources out there related to autism, but I am really interested in hearing from folks who themselves have autism. Is there any resource or reading (or just plain old advice) you’d recommend to a parent like me? Thank you so much, and no worries if you’d prefer not to answer.

Hi Anon! First off, thank you :) I’m going to assume that what you’veseen of my writing was RNM, so I’ll do a bit of a shameless self-plughere: the Malex AU I started posting last night has Autistic Michaelif you want to check that out!

Now onto the important part (this might be long). I’m very glad thatyour son was diagnosed and is thus able to get some of the support hedeserves, and I’m even more glad that you’re trying to get autisticperspective and listen to autistic people rather than just thedoctors and carers out there. It really is the best thing you can dofor your son.

There are many organizations out there that are problematic at best(Autism Speaks the most vocal of them, and it’s a straight up hategroup), but there are also some that are very good. Look fororganization created and led by autistics. I don’t know where youlive, but the widest reaching one I know is the Autistic SelfAdvocacy Network (ASAN). They have a bunch of resources on theirwebsite, and they also publish a collection of books that are veryinteresting. Loud Hands has some of the best texts I have readon the autistic experience.

Another book I’d like to recommend is Steven Silberman’s Neurotribes.The author is not autistic himself, but he really did a great jobwith researching the history of the autistic community and autism asa diagnosis.

Online resources: Neurowonderful’sAsk An Autistic video series is a great place to start. It’s mostlyaimed at parents, make by an autistic person, and explains many ofthe important concepts, including things about advocacy. On thattopic, a good thing to look up is the concept of neurodiversityand the social model of disability. I will also note here, since youused both of these in your question, that many of us will say that we don’t haveautism, we’re autistic (autismis not something that can be separated from who we are) and rejectthe functioning labels (like high functioning)because there is no such thing. Autism is a spectrum−we all havedifferent struggles and strength, but saying that we’re high or lowfunctioning is just a way to separate us and take away our voices (as“high functioning” people are not reallyautistic and “low functioning people” can’t self-advocate /s).Most of the terms surroundingautism are things that have been imposed on us, and that we seek toeither reclaim or change, so obviously not everyone agrees, but it’s something to think about :)

Here are a few more links that couldbe useful to you:

- Agony Autie’s Youtube chanel, she’s a British autistic mother to an autistic boy.

- Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, a resource blog run by the mother of a young autistic man. She shares a lot of things written by autistic and she’s always very respectful.

- A page with a letter and links to different resources for the parents of newly diagnosed children, written by an autistic person.

- Something lighter: A website where you can buy stimtoys, run by an autistic person ( @stimtastic). Rather cheap, and great quality products (US based, but I order from them from Europe because I don’t know any European equivalent).

My own advice is really simple: listen to yourson. His struggles but also his strengthsand his interests may seem foreign to you at time, but beingdifferent is okay. It should never be suppressed for the comfort ofneurotypicals. Some of us can learn to maskautistic traits enough to appear neurotypical to most people−butthat is notgood to our mental health. We all mask to some extent, by choice orhabit, but requiring it of us is abusive.

I would also strongly advise to havehim meet other autistic people, children his age but also adults.It’s never easy to be told that you (oryour child) are always going to struggle more than most people, andmeeting other people who face similarchallenges, and already have some experience navigating them can go along way to help with mental health! There is a really strongcommunity of autistic people helping each other out there. Theremight be groups who meet physically in your area, but we are alsovery active online. On Twitter for instance, the hashtags#ActuallyAutistic and #AllAutistics (the later was created by POCswho wanted to be included better) are used by autistic people to talkabout their experience, and #AskingAutistics for allistics(non-autistics) who want to ask for advice.

I could say a lot more, but thisis already long enough. Pleasedon’t hesitate to ask more questions! I’m always happy to help in anyway. I am always overjoyed to interact with parents of autistic kids who want to understand their children (don’t hesitate to come off anon and DM me if you feel like it, as well).

[pandoriasbox]

Jade’s SSO Rambles - 5 Current Care System

(Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and opinions at the time of writing these rambles. I may change my mind in the future.)

Before beginning I want to establish that this particular rambles topic is purely my current thoughts on care system we have now. I want to explore further how horse care can function in game but due to how much I’ve struggled with trying to articulate I’m going to post my current thoughts now and I hope to return to the topic in the future. I would especially like to come up with better suggestions for a full overhaul as I have some fun ideas related to our new crafting mechanics that were just released and some other ideas I have brewing in my brain.

Horse Care Praise

I hate to criticize or suggest adjustments to anything without offering a positive outlook on what I believe is done well about the aspects I want changed. It’s also good to take note of these parts as they could potentially be something worth working into the overhauled system.

I appreciate that unlike 90% of horse games that have been around (at least since I was a kid and amongst those I’ve found in my own horse game research) that SSO and the other Star Stable PC games have always kept the actual horse care aspect simple. You take whatever you want to care for a horse with and use it on them without having to go through a mini-game. It’s a simple animation or one and done action. This is important to me when you have to do this on a regular basis or to a large amount of horses. (Only issue is that loading bar and some other small UI nit-picks.)

The functioning wash stall is a nice addition to the game, I appreciate how it actually acts as a grooming interaction on your horse too and temporarily removes the tack. The only thing I wish we had was a way to activate photo mode and have slightly more free camera movement and the hidden UI like our horse’s name and hiding all sparkles while activated. (I also adore the little easter egg where you dance in the suds.)

I appreciate all the different items we’re able to feed our horses. It’s also kind of neat that while normal items like apples, carrots and hay are available in all the standard feed shops there’s special harder to get items too. Such as the produce cart in Aideen’s Plaza or when we get holiday items. (Like from the little helpers or 2019’s birthday cakes!)

Horses App

I think in terms of mini-games that the way the foal app does it is actually pretty enjoyable. This is a little bit off topic since it delves into the app instead of SSO itself but an equally noteworthy topic especially if the team ends up pulling aspects of the mini-games into SSO. I like that it doesn’t take an extreme amount of work like some games do and that the hoof picking especially has noticeable spots to clean and you only do one hoof. (I also appreciate that it looks like actual objects falling off, sure it’s not realistic but it’s more appealing than other games I’ve seen.) The only thing I’ve ever had an issue with is the petting which seems to have problems with detection of the touch screen.

Overall the visual effects are pleasant and I love the fact you don’t have to cover every inch of the horse for it to count. You can just keep grooming the same spot for the brush and washing and it works instead of trying to hunt the tiny section you missed besides for when you wash soap off. (Which makes sense, you wash where you put it.)

I also like that the horses seem to have certain foods they like or prefer more. Though I personally would like to see it that they eat anything but have certain foods they like more than others.

In terms of the training I really love that we can run our horse through ground work with lunging, cavaletti, free jumping and the sorta tricks teaching and side pass work. These are aspects I would really love to see integrated into SSO as other options for training our horses outside of running the same races over and over. If the first person view isn’t kept though I do think the player movement both mechanically and visually will need an update. The only noticeable gameplay issue I could see is in terms of accessibility if mouse movement was used to replace the touch screen element.

Basic Care System Suggestions

These are aspects I think should be for the most part implemented regardless of how the team goes about updating the caring system unless it becomes redundant.

As I praised above, keep a simplistic means of doing horse care for accessibility and even if it doesn’t have any effects it’s still nice for roleplay. Either keep it down to a simple click and drag or you press an interact button.

Remove designated care areas and let players do basic care actions such as brushing, hoof picking, watering and feeding anywhere. (Care areas such as those in and around stables.)

Remove excess UI such as the loading bar and only have the animations playing. Also remove the blinking or fading black screens. If necessary simply have the player clip into place like when mounting and let them move from where they are after the animation. (Unless it could cause issues with players clipping through walls.) Also remove the bar across the top and make any updates to your horse less intrusive such as the using the notification box in the corner.

Reasons to Remove Current Happiness System

While I don’t have any promising ideas for replacing the current system I didn’t want to leave out my reasoning for removing the current  “mood/happiness” system and the buffs/debuffs associated with daily care of your horse.

Higher Player Accessibility 

Players are not required to perform the care in order to have non-debuffed/faster horses. (Especially those with disabilities.)

No guilt over having to either leave horses extremely unhappy or for having to use star coins to tend to all of them.

Players can ride any horse they own at any time, therefore increasing enjoyment of their current horses and allowing them to participate in unique events related to specific breeds.

Removes Feelings of Punishment/Positive Reward For Not Playing

If a player is unable to log in on a daily basis they are immediately punished by losing happiness with their uncared for horses. Even one day is a rather big nuisance and cannot be rectified immediately other than through paying a large sum of SC to the vet. Removing this aspect will garner player happiness and remove a reason for the player to not want to return to the game.

Removes the aspect that using the app to pay for horse care has induced that basically rewards players for not playing the game as they don’t even need to log into the game in order to have their horses cared for.

Provides Additional Reason to Buy More Horses

Players will be more willing to purchase additional horses because of the former reasons. There are little to no negative connotations with owning a massive hoard of horses if daily care requirement is removed.

Players will also be more willing to buy horses as they will no longer have to balance paying for stable care versus paying for a new horse.

Extra Notes

I think adding the foal app mini-games especially for grooming (and maybe training in the future) would be a good idea. These could be accessible in the home stable wash stall or at the wash stalls in places such as the Rescue Ranch and Starshine Ranch.

The mini-games should remain as completely optional and more interactive, engaging and roleplaying based way for the player to interact with their horse. As mentioned in Amelia and Leila’s interview it would also provide additional repeatable gameplay especially for younger audiences.

If daily feeding is required I think going with an idea similar to Amelia’s suggestion for a silo from the interview with Leila would be a good idea. I personally think either setting this up via the bulletin board or having it in the feed room would work best. The player could then buy hay from the food stalls and fill up their feed storage to act as a shillings based auto-care system. (I also think if a means of crafting food that buffs your horses is added then you could add it to the auto feeding to apply it to all your horses.)

Also in regards to the vet currently, I feel the price is absurd to pay to get your horse to max happiness. It should not cost me a week’s worth allowance of free currency to max 1 horse. Either it should be 100 to max my entire stable or should be far cheaper to max a single horse. I would argue no more than 25 SC at most with 10-15 being preferable. I would also like to see an alternate option to pay in a large amount of shillings for the vet.

I’d like to see stable care changed from 7 SC a day to 5 SC if we don’t have any shillings alternative systems in place. Even then 5 SC a day is still better as it is easier (at least where I’m from, not sure elsewhere) to count by. Most of the horses are for sale in multiples of 5 (650, 825, 900, ect) and would make pricing easier on players. I would argue anything sold for SC should be done in multiples of 5 but stable care is the most commonly purchased thing beyond horses. (Since most apparel can be bought with shillings instead and not many items are SC only.)

Alternate System Suggestion

So while I haven’t been able to think of a better system overhaul I did come up with something that feels like a step in between our current system and a brand new one. I don’t think this is the best way to approach updating how horse care works but I wanted to mention it in case it can help inspire ideas from others on how to do a better update.

The basic idea is running on a “3 tier” happiness system where you horse is either happy, unhappy or miserable. (Instead of the 5 stage system we currently have.) This includes 3 tiers of caring as well.

Horses can be brought from miserable to happy in one day without paying SC and can be done to any number of horses but requires more effort than paying a vet.

Taking care of your horse daily results in the least amount of time and effort required to maintain the horse’s happiness. However stable care isn’t necessary and the player can mostly avoid the punishment issues even if they don’t because they can raise their horses’ happiness up without paying SC if they are willing to put time and effort in.

Overall this idea is very rough and I’m sure would require quite a bit of additional work especially as I unfortunately don’t know how the programming/coding side would work.

Alternate System Breakdown

Each action adds points to the horse’s overall happiness. Basic actions such as brushing, hoof picking, watering and feeding your horse hay will be the equivalent of +1 happiness. More advanced actions will give the player higher amounts of happiness such as using the wash stall or other special designated grooming areas. (Not care areas like around stables but more like the stations at the ranches.) Certain foods will reward higher happiness points so an apple, carrot or orange might be +2 instead of 1.

When a horse is miserable the only way to reach full happiness is by visiting a vet in order to use a care station with them. This wouldn’t require SC but instead would be similar to how the Rescue Ranch worked where you perform an action with the horse to give it the final boost required to reach full happiness in one day.

Doing tier 1 or 2 caring for your horse subsequent days in a row would be enough to raise them to max happiness again. It should only take about 3 days at most to reach it. I’m not certain if continually feeding your horse should theoretically be able to max happiness, I was considering having food max out in terms of how much it can do. (“Your horse is full and cannot eat anymore” or something like that.)

In terms of a point system doing basic care is enough to maintain horse happiness every day and is enough to go from an unhappy status to happy. Going from miserable to happy would require a certain number of food (which could be its own point system potentially?) combined with the full amount of care options available from the basic tier 1 and 2 grooming to the tier 3 vet assistance.

Lastly, I would prefer to have the requirement of daily feeding removed from the game entirely so I don’t feel this is the best way to replace our current system. As I discussed with a friend I think part of the problem keeping this in SSO is the fact the game’s time is tied with real life time. I don’t mind daily feeding of my animals in something such as Harvest Moon or Stardew Valley because time is different and unrelated to when I’m available to play. I can play through a week’s worth of time in game during a single day’s play session in real life. But I can also abandon the game for a month and come back to find everything as I left it unlike in SSO. If I leave that long then all my horses will be miserable unless I pay for stable care with premium currency and it will take a week or so bare minimum to get anyone up to max happiness again without paying 100 SC per horse. For a game that wants players to keep paying either via subscriptions and/or with the multitude of horses released it really doesn’t make sense to keep such a punishing system in game. I can see where starting out that makes sense as a game mechanic but it is incredibly outdated and long over due to be replaced either with a long term solution or a short term one.

Link to Amelia’s interview with GM Leila.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read through my thoughts! I hope I’ll be able to come back to this topic in the future with some additional ideas that would expand upon the game rather than simply analyzing our current gameplay. 

If you have anything you’d like to add feel free to respond via reblogging, replying or shooting me an ask!

[fatedfuturist]

things about my interpretation of tony stark. updated june 07, 2020.

here’s my exhaustive explanation for how i am not canon-compliant with the events and characterization of the mcu.

the reason for this is… well, there are several reasons, but i don’t want to stir shit up or just, in general, stomp on anyone else’s love for the mcu. and don’t get me wrong— i do love the mcu! but there are parts i’m critical of for personal reason, as we all have opinions on certain things. bc, yeah, you can love something, or someone, and still be logically critical about it or them.

anyway, here’s where my interpretation differs…

as per stated on my rules: i take inspiration for tony from multiple sources, including the mcu, marvel comics, the television show: avengers assemble, and my own personal headcanons. TONY IS ALSO ASIAN (SPECIFICALLY CHINESE) AMERICAN!!

i will admit that saying this isn’t particularly helpful if people don’t know, specifically, where i differ in terms of my interpretation of our dumbass genius. some of this info is scattered about on my blog, but here, it’s all consolidated into one post.

chen kun is my face claim, and i do use stuff from tony’s story from the mcu as a base. however, there are events and moments from the movies, that i selectively ignore due to personal preference; and then i build on top of my foundation with ideas, themes, and/or events from other sources such as the aforementioned sources listed above.

throwing this all under a read more because, like i said: exhaustive list. very. very. very fucking long. i’m serious– read at your own risk.

howard stark was an extremely abusive and absent father for all of tony’s childhood; tony did actively seek attention and approval from howard because he was rather aware of how famous he was and wanted the acceptance and validation from his dad; there wasn’t much shown in the mcu regarding his relationship with his father, but my inspiration for his father-son relationship comes from the comics;

an example of his verbal abuse: “you don’t want to be a sissy, now do you? stark men are made of iron!” (Iron Man, 1968);

an example of early exposure to alcohol: at age five, howard forced a drink into tony’s hand (which he did drink), stating that it would teach him “to be a man,” and that it’d “put hair on your chest” (Iron Man, 1968);

yes, this means that tony ‘forgiving’ howard in endgame is completely chucked out the window;

tony loses his parents the night of december 16, 1996 (not 12/16/1991), at the age of seventeen;

jarvis, the family butler, was more of a father to tony than howard ever was, and yes, this is why he names his first fully-functioning AI system jarvis;

tony was close with his mother, maria; she was his safehouse, and she taught him to be gentle and loving, and she also taught him the piano, which tony still periodically practices during his own time in private. in an avengers assemble episode, there is a piano in the tower that tony protects twice, which i reckon is because it has connections to his past with maria;

tony ain’t an old grandpa. i don’t see him being older than, like, 35–40 in the present time for my writing (chen kun is 44). this comes from comic and avengers assemble inspiration, which has been fairly ambiguous since they never mention his age. for plotting purposes in the mcu though, yes, he can be like 42–52 if needed.

tony is, by default, single unless otherwise stated. the reason for this is simply because i’m not big on tony / pepper in the mcu, and it’s not because i don’t like pepper (i love her as a character as an individual), but i just saw that the way they were written (so, this, yes, blames the mcu writers) was completely trash; they sort of redeemed it in endgame, but... in general, they had a lot of potential but then some writing choices pretty much ruined the ship for me;

this means that morgan does not exist unless otherwise specified and discussed, though i do enjoy the concert of tony being a dad to his own kid and breaking that cycle of howard’s shitty parenting;

i’m going to be as honest and transparent as i can: i do, for certain, love writing stevetony. they’re my primary ship. not simply in mcu dynamics, but from the comics and avengers assemble. however, like some can attest to, i will never force a ship on anyone. if you express no interest in them romantically? that’s fine. we can write them simply as good friends and comrades. i won’t stop writing or plotting with you if you don’t like them in a romantic dynamic. if you do like it that way? cool. i know it might be intimidating to discuss this given i look like complete trash for them, but i never choose who i will/will not write with based on whether we ship or not;

tony, publicly, hints toward being bisexual and biromantic a lot of the time as he’ll practically flirt with anyone at all times, but he never really openly admits it due to his oh-so ancient internalized homophobia (thank you for that one, howard and societal expectations of the time);

justin hammer is a long time rival in the industry, and often meddles with tony and his work all the time. it’s nothing new. the lack of foundation established in IM2 doesn’t provide much insight into their relationship. long story short (taken from avengers assemble): hammer is a punk bitch who’s jealous and tony is tired of him and will gladly beat his ass any day of the week whenever he drives a tank into his front door (which happens more often than not).

tony is fantastic with children. he loves getting to interact with children because he knows how excited they are to see him and/or iron man (seen in both the mcu and in the comics). this type of attention he’s okay about. if he can inspire children to do good things and be good people and be heroes in their own right, then he’s doing his job;

tony fosters the intelligence and dreams of bright individuals all the time by offering scholarships for high school graduates and post-secondary students, and also provides internship opportunities (equal opportunities regardless of race, sex, gender, religion, disability status, age, etc.)

we only see this occur with peter and harley in the mcu, but there are other kids— like riri williams! tony sees these kids for the bright minds that they have and he wants to help them and keep them safe as he knows these are the brains of the future.

let me run over iron man 3. like i said, i ignore some shit from the movies. tony doesn’t initiate the clean slate protocol, he doesn’t throw the arc reactor into the ocean, and he doesn’t remove the arc reactor from his chest. he will get surgery to get the shrapnel removed because if i were the follow the pain that comes with the comics, tony would literally be always on the verge of death at all times, requiring a chest plate to be recharged constantly to make sure the shrapnel doesn’t get closer– see? that’s a lot and i’m... lazy.

the reason for those choices are simple: clean slate protocol undoes his character progression;

the arc reactor is just a part of him as a person, stands as his heart;

avengers movie nights, (video/board) game nights, and training days exist and you will never be able to pry that out of my hands. tony always shows up fashionably late with coffee and pays for when shit gets broken by thor. team building exercises exist plenty within avengers assemble, including the fact that they share chores and decides who gets to do the next load of laundry from whoever chooses the short stick from the bunch.

tony has had anxiety and depression since he was a child. it just didn’t really flare up and get identified as a real, tangible mess of emotions and thoughts until he’d been kidnapped (and nearly died, at that). it got worse when he failed to address it until after IM3. into the present-day, tony deals with anxiety, depression, and PTSD all the time, but has improved (…sort of) when it comes to handling all of it, and certainly has grown to recognize similar symptoms in the people he cares about;

on another hand, tony has displayed symptoms of ADHD, but it’s not officially diagnosed, and some of these symptoms include, but are not limited to: hyperactivity (staying awake for days on end) and hyperfocus (hyper-focus on work), distractible (easily distracted when he’s not focused on something), rambling (talks a lot and often makes rather intuitive connections due to how busy his brain functions), impulsivity and recklessness (self explanatory), constant need to move around and/or do something (in meetings, he will be moving somehow, whether it’s tapping fingers or feet, or shifting around in his seat);

there are days where he feels inferior due to how human he knows he is (in comparison to most of his team), and other days, he feels as though he’s more machine than he is man. these feelings fluctuate depending on how he’s doing with his mental health, and/or if he hears and/or sees anything about him that points toward either idea;

there is always overwhelming guilt for those he can’t keep safe or people that die; tony doesn’t like to kill anybody (unless it’s robots, because… they’re robots, not human lives); though, if pushed far enough with no other choice, he will throw conventional morality out the window for the sake of protecting all that he believes to be for the good of the world;

tony isn’t jacked. he isn’t captain america fit, but he isn’t particularly thin, either. his body is sort of like a runner’s build (for visuals, refer to valerio schiti’s comic art of tony). i interpret tony’s body as a slight bit slimmer. he exercises, and being in the suit also is its own form of exercise. god forbid we discuss his eating habits, though. and–– he also isn’t short short, but he isn’t tall, either. he sits at 5’10”, which might be a little below the average male, but that’s about it.

speaking of eating habits, simply put: tony can’t cook for shit and that’s it. he’ll try to cook for his significant others’ on the occasion, but he can’t be blamed if he burns everything.

tony isn’t ‘woke’ or perfect, as it’s imperative to remember he grew up as rich and with financial and some social class privilege (since he was rich), despite the abuse and harassment he experienced during his youth. it’s taken him time to recognize this, and he realizes it really doesn’t cost anything to be a better person, which is why he tries to be better when it comes to his tone of voice when discussing certain topics he has no authority to be speaking of, and by taking action with simple manual labour when it comes to chores (so he doesn’t hire other people to do shit for him). he also knows he can’t be a man of ‘all bark and no bite’ when it comes to supporting people and causes, hence why he actively advocates for female and youth empowerment through both words and actions.

in regards to ca:cw events, i would prefer to ignore them. for specific-plotting purposes, this can be dropped, but i prefer the events of avengers assemble when it comes to ‘civil war’. it’s actually really simple:

tony was not honest about his intentions with the team regarding a robot that was initially made for him by howard, which ended up with an ultron reboot that nearly risked loads of civilian lives and the team’s lives;

steve confronted tony about it when they returned back to avengers tower. with tony’s insistence that everything was now fine, steve decided to resign due to tony’s dishonesty and lack of trust in the team;

this splits the team in half, where steve takes— well, they decided to leave since they didn't like tony's lack of honesty— natasha, the hulk, and the falcon to work under SHIELD as the ‘secret avengers,’ and tony, clint, and thor remain as leftover avengers (later with the addition of ant-man and temporarily, spider-man, in some missions);

in the end, they all join back together after learning to appreciate their differences and reconciling under the fact that there wouldn’t be any more secrets that could risk the world, and the team’s safety;

if i am to follow the events of the mcu— between ca:cw and infinity war, he develops nanotech for his armour, which is embedded into his very skin to accommodate for nanobots, which interacts via neural transmissions (visuals here);

tony recognizes that he lost his temper and let his emotions get to him in the moment, which fucked up shit that could’ve been talked through and fixed;

tony is an alcoholic. he recognizes that he always will be, though he’s always working toward sobriety. he certainly relapses every so often when things are rough and he feels as if he has no other options, but he’s aware that relapsing is part of the process of recovery. he has attended AA meetings (alcoholics anonymous), and has been AA sponsors for people in the past;

to skim through the events of infinity war and endgame should these be part of the things you’re curious about (this is getting really long and i’m sure you’re tired of reading this—how have you gotten this far?):

after returning from space, tony took a few months (~ five) to recover from those three months of malnutrition, dehydration, and the wound of thanos’ stab. tony sealed the front of his injury, but he sure as hell wasn’t seen dealing with the back end. during this time, he’s able to regain some muscle mass;

he lives on his own, retreating to the cabin to escape from the responsibilities of being a fallen hero who ultimately failed the people he was supposed to protect.

during the five year gap, he keeps in contact with the other avengers, but very rarely. they’re the only ones who know where he lives;

like i said— tony does not say any of that forgiving bullcrap to howard. victims of abuse don’t have to forgive their abuser, parent or not. let’s just imagine the entire interaction didn’t happen at all;

tony doesn’t die;

he used the infinity stones; but, to maintain consistency with what the mcu established w/ thanos: he sustained significant damage to his right arm, up to the shoulder and neck. it’s gravely scarred. the overall function of that arm also diminished greatly. vision out of his right eye is not as sharp as it once was, either;

a year of recovery and physiotherapy later, tony decides to amputate and go for a prosthetic. he works with shuri and wakandan tech to build an arm;

despite the end of the looming, world-ending thread, tony still battles resurfacing trauma. not every day is happy, but he is working toward recovery. there are days he doesn’t remember chunks of what happened due to the power of the infinity stones; sometimes, he doesn’t even want to remember it, anyway;

tony retires. sort of. for the most part. if the world really needs iron man, he’ll be there;

tony may have handed CEO-ship to pepper, but he still handles a lot of work for stark industries, and that’s what he primarily does post-endgame.

the multiverse and realm-traveling happens a-fucking-lot 

[martijnvandenheede]

10 things I love about Poland

I’ve been living in Poland for more than 5 months now and I haven’t written something about my experiences here. I am volunteering in a school in Poland so it’s pointless to mention why this blogpost comes now. In the darkest of times it’s important to remember to turn on the light, so here are some things I really enjoy in Poland.

1)     Nature

I have always liked green environments but being here really sparked my love of nature. I am happy to live in Bialystok, the capital of the Podlasie region which is often referred to as ‘the green lungs of Poland’. I was training for the Cracow marathon before all big events were canceled. It’s unfortunate that I can’t run this race anymore but when being locked up inside it is still a blessing to escape into the woods. I hope I can do one more trail running race in a national park before I go back to Belgium.

2)     Pierogi

Polish dumplings have become one of my new favourite foods. You can find them in the supermarket but the better stuff is served in a pierogi restaurant or ‘Pierogarnia’. I really like this because the amount of possible fillings is unlimited. Moreover, you can choose to boil them or bake them and eat them with a sauce you prefer. There is the right pierogi for every person, every mood, every kind of weather,… I ate the pierogi on the right in Pierogarnia Mandu in Gdansk. They were baked pierogi filled with bacon and mushrooms. With some sour cream and a beer on the side this is awesome comfort food.

3)   People really say how they feel (or they like to complain)

I am so used to people responding ‘Cava hé’ when I ask them how they’re doing that it was a bit strange to get a different response in Poland. Sometimes they say ‘Dobrze’ which means good but mostly the Poles respond with ‘Jako tako’ which means ‘so-so’. Or they don’t say anything at all and ever so often you will hear how they are really doing, whether you like it or not. After all it is known that Polish people just like to complain to someone as well. Because of this it is not that common here to ask how a person is feeling. Generally the Polish people just greet each other with ‘Część’ and that’s it.

4)     Vodka culture

While I am a huge fan of our Belgian beer culture and I prefer drinking a good beer over a long talk in a pub it is nice to see how people bond with a shot of this strong alcoholic drink. You’re only friends if you drank vodka together and at social events it is important to have a toast. I got the chance to go to an ‘end of season party’ of a local football club and I don’t think I’ve ever drank that much vodka in my life. 

5)     The people

I believe that everywhere you go you will meet nice people and people who are less nice.. But the biggest part of Poles I’ve met have been very friendly and helpful to me.

6)     My work in the school

To be honest, I don’t have to do a lot of hard work. I am a volunteer so this means the school where I’m working can perfectly function without me. Briefly, I am just there so the disabled pupils can connect with someone their age who isn’t an ‘adult’ or a teacher. And I can bring some international atmosphere into the school. It’s really nice to see the smiles on their faces when they see you and I get the most sympathetic greetings when I walk in the corridor. I get the most enjoyment out of the cooking classes and physical education.

7)     The other volunteers

My time here would be totally different if I was not constantly around other volunteers. It is always nice to be in an international environment and to really get to know people. Whether it’s in our polish lessons, some circus workshop or a theater performance we’re playing, we always have fun sharing this wonderful experience.

8)     Traveling

I’m afraid I’ll have to put my wanderlust cravings on hold now but living in Poland for 5 months gave me the opportunity to explore this land and it’s neighboring countries. I have been in Gdansk, Warsaw, Lodz, Torun, Suwalki, Lithuania and Kaliningrad but actually I don’t have to go far to see nice places since there are a lot of pretty villages around Bialystok which have some nice scenery and cosy local places.

9)   The language

 Yes it’s hard and I can’t imagine how ridiculous it must sometimes sound when I try to talk in Polish but I try and I really like how detailed the Polish language is in terms of grammar. Besides, if I am continually immersed in a foreign language I automatically start to like how people talk and express themselves in this language. Polish people really appreciate it when you try to speak their language and even a simple ‘Dziękuję’ (Thank you) will get you a ton of compliments.

10)  Polish pastry

Normally I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth but my god, Polish desserts are so delicious. Pączki, faworki, makowiec, sękacz, sernik, pierniki,… The list is endless and they look as good as they taste.

PS: Polish men give handshakes every time they see each other, at every moment so I guess it is difficult for them to not do this now.

[exeggcute]

I'm unabashedly pro-abortion to pretty much the fullest possible extent (a term I prefer to "pro-choice," because I am also pro-choice in that sense, but I think "pro-abortion" is more representative of the philosophical approach grounded on the four pillars of ethics whereas "pro-choice" is inextricably tangled up in the verbage of the uber-politicized american abortion debate and is often founded upon well-meaning but unsound lines of reasoning), and I think it's immensely disingenuous when people raise concerns about aborting a pregnancy for the "wrong" reasons as a gotcha-type justification for restricting abortion (because ultimately "I do not wish to be pregnant" should be enough reason to not be pregnant any longer, full stop), but I do think in order to strengthen the pro-abortion argument we need to address some of these objections, both to prevent them from detracting from our argument and to peel back some of the layers to examine a small kernel of truth lying beneath.

there's an idea called "the doctrine of double effect," which I don't fully ascribe to, but I believe can be useful here: that idea is that if something morally good (or even neutral) has bad side effects, it's okay as long as the side effects weren't your goal, even if you knew these bad side effects ahead of time. you can imagine that this principle can be used to a variety of ends: perhaps it is good to give a child medicine, even with the unintended side effects that the child hates the taste (but you are not trying to torment their taste buds, only to promote the child's health; if it were possible to give them medicine without the side effect of bad taste, you would). on the other hand, perhaps it's less permissible to, say, carry out a military operation that will bring great success, but has the unintended side effect of a civilian death toll, even if you did not "intend" for this to happen, simply because the trade-off is too great and morally impermissible.

however, this principle provides a useful rhetorical tool when approaching abortion, in a variety of ways. for one, we could argue that the main goal of abortion is simply to terminate a pregnancy, not to bring about any "harm" to a fetus (harm, of course, being a much thornier issue than I'd like to get into here, especially when considering the tenuous nature of fetal personhood or lack thereof; here, I mean harm more or less colloquially), and that if it were possible to end a pregnancy (goal) without causing the death (intended side effect; and again, "death" in a colloquial sense, since whether a fetus is truly living is not cut and dry) of a fetus. perhaps in the future it will be possible to terminate some or all pregnancies in such a way that the fetus can continue living outside the womb of the pregnant person unimpeded, and that such a choice is equally desirable to abortion as it currently stands; perhaps this will never happen, or would never be practical or desirable or even ethical, since this hypothetical scenario raises its own set of concerns. but as it currently stands, abortion necessarily dictates that a fetus will cease to be (though there is one specific way to terminate a pregnancy without harming a fetus, but we usually call that "birth"), and that's perfectly okay--not even because of the doctrine of double effect, but for other reasons: under the four pillars model, the right to autonomy is generally invoked as the strongest driving force for pro-abortion arguments.

anyway, to circle back to my earlier point about abortion for the "wrong" reasons: people generally bring up these arguments in bad faith, with the goal of weakening the pro-abortion stance. so I understand the reflex to shut these arguments down wholesale, but I think that does us all a disservice. some of these arguments contain reasonable concerns at their core, even if it's cloaked in a fair amount of baggage, and I believe that being able to address these concerns only strengthens the pro-abortion stance overall.

many concerns often touch upon the morality of aborting a pregnancy for "malicious" reasons: generally, getting into territory of eugenics and whether it's permissible to abort a fetus simply because it carries some "undesirable" trait. yes, many of these concerns are often invoked only as a way to shut down pro-abortion arguments and not out of a desire to combat eugenicist thinking, but we can't ignore the issue. the idea that people would use abortion as a means of eugenics should be, for obvious reasons, very bad. the idea of aborting a fetus specifically because it will have a disability, or be gay, or be a certain gender--this has catastrophic implications, both for people who already exist as these things, and for the hypothetical future brought upon by such a eugenicist methodology. we should not strive for a future that readily allows for this kind of methodology; however, the site of the problem is not in abortion itself.

to invert the doctrine of double effect here: perhaps an act can be morally negative, but the mechanism by which the act is carried out is not, provided that the mechanism is not only used to such ends. abortion for the "wrong" reasons (that is to say, abortion that is specifically eugenicist in nature) is wrong for the reasons driving it, not because of abortion itself. if, in another scenario, someone was pregnant with a fetus that happened to have certain characteristics, but chose to abort simply because they did not wish to be pregnant for whatever reason, that is permissible. the issue is when someone wishes to abort specifically because they believe said fetus is inherently lesser as a result of those certain characteristics, and acts accordingly.

the way to fix this is not to restrict abortion outright, or even to require justification to receive abortion, but rather to address the driving forces and oppressive structures that create these attitudes. if someone wishes to abort a fetus on the grounds that said fetus will be born with a disability, because they believe that said disability lessens the value of said fetus's life, we must dismantle the eugenicist structures that lead them to believe that only a certain "kind" of person should live. assuming that, all other things considered, the only reason for this abortion is due to eugenicist reasoning: then, if the person is no longer operating under such a framework, they will no longer be compelled to abort, and they will no longer be acting to further oppressive systems. however, if it just so happens that someone wishes to abort a fetus with a disability, but their desire to abort has nothing to do with this fact (i.e., if they would abort any other interchangeable fetus, not simply this particular one), then the abortion remains permissible, for it is not being used as a vehicle of eugenics. abortion itself is not the issue; addressing the underlying concerns of certain circumstances surrounding abortion allows us to combat such issues, but acknowledging such problems does not detract from the permissibility of abortion as an act. the problem is structural, and needs to be tackled by rooting out societal attitudes, not in restricting an act that could maybe possibly be used to carry out such attitudes. arguments that forbid abortion on the grounds that it could be used for evil are throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

ultimately, it's not always this simple. as it stands now, I don't believe anyone should be compelled to carry a pregnancy for any reason, simply because claiming otherwise will lead to extremely morally fraught areas with catastrophic implications. arguments on paper like this often don't reflect the reality of the situation, which is much messier. I often defer to judith jarvis thompson's idea of the "minimally decent samaritan" and that nobody should be compelled to extend their capacity beyond a reasonable level, but certain standards of decency do exist. perhaps there are varying levels of "good" and "decent" and "bad" reasons for terminating a pregnancy, and that some reasons may theoretically be used to bad ends. but as thompson argues, the act of carrying a pregnancy to term is far beyond the reach of a minimally decent samaritan, and is often too much to ask of someone who would otherwise not choose to be in this position. the very desire to no longer be pregnant is enough of a reason to seek an abortion, full stop. but if we wish to be minimally decent, we may need to examine the mechanism for these desires, and perhaps even alter them at the source, without taking down abortion rights as collateral damage.

[mediaeval-muse]

Book Review

Rating: 3/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes (Brothers Sinister #2)

Summary: Miss Jane Fairfield can't do anything right. When she's in company, she always says the wrong thing--and rather too much of it. No matter how costly they are, her gowns fall on the unfortunate side of fashion. Even her immense dowry can't save her from being an object of derision. And that's precisely what she wants. She'll do anything, even risk humiliation, if it means she can stay unmarried and keep her sister safe. 

Mr. Oliver Marshall has to do everything right. He's the bastard son of a duke, raised in humble circumstances--and he intends to give voice and power to the common people. If he makes one false step, he'll never get the chance to accomplish anything. He doesn't need to come to the rescue of the wrong woman. He certainly doesn't need to fall in love with her. But there's something about the lovely, courageous Jane that he can't resist...even though it could mean the ruin of them both.

***Full review under the cut.***

Trigger Warnings: classism, ableism, racism, discussions of colonialism and violence, sexual content

Overview: Another Courtney Milan book! I must say, she is quickly becoming my favorite romance writer, and I have great respect for the way she crafts her stories. Every book begins with a crucial scene that gives readers insight into the characters, after which Milan wastes no time in getting to the main conflict. Like those in her other stories, Milan’s characters are unique and memorable, particularly the heroines, who are the right balance of independent and trapped by their societal context. This book, in particular, delighted me precisely because of that complexity. Even though there were some pacing problems that really detracted from the flow and feel of the story, I still enjoyed myself, and I’ll continue reading through the series.

Writing: Like much of the romance genre, Milan’s prose is simple yet descriptive - you get enough to understand what’s going on, without much heightened or flowery language. Of course, I do think Milan crafts it well and with much care. It’s simplicity isn’t a knock against it - I actually quite enjoy the effortlessness it seems to convey without seeming juvenile or unlearned. I also very much appreciate Milan’s structure. Every book I’ve read by her begins with a crucial scene that gives readers insight into the characters, after which Milan wastes no time in getting to the main conflict. As a result, readers aren’t left to wade through a lot of exposition before the action starts, nor are they asked to take in a lot of background and historical context. Milan, through her structure, shows a lot more than she tells, and in my opinion, it’s an absolutely masterful way to begin a novel. However, Milan does have a tendency to reveal a lot of backstory through dialogue. There are moments when Jane or Oliver is telling the other about something in their past, and it’s a lot of words and speaking. I personally prefer backstory be revealed through flashbacks and interwoven into actions or mannerisms, but that’s just my preference. One thing that I found jarring in terms of structure was the sudden jump between things I would consider milestones in the characters’ relationships. For example, Oliver is initially taken aback by Jane’s performance as the unstylish heiress but in the next chapter, he is suddenly able to see through it. We aren’t privy to his thought process as he works it out, which came across to me as abrupt. The same goes for their intentions to marry. Marriage is brought up somewhat suddenly, in my opinion. I would have preferred more of a slow burn.

Plot: I love, love, love the central conflict in this book, which essentially consists of the dilemma between advancing one’s own fortunes or devoting oneself to another person. The moral conflict in Oliver’s mind between advancing his own fortunes (which is already a high-stakes game, due to his birth) and sympathizing with Jane (who is in the same position he is, as someone who is looked down upon by high class people) was great for developing his character, as was Jane’s conflict between relying entirely on herself versus reaching out to others for help. It was at once a wonderful exploration of individual action within a broken social system, and a commentary on the power associated with social class. I also very much appreciated the subplot in which Jane’s sister, Emily, who suffers from repeated seizures and an over-zealous guardian, meets and falls in love with an Indian man studying law at Cambridge. Emily is confined to her home and finds escape reading books, which have some Orientalist fantasies. When she finally manages to go outside, she meets Anjan, who tells her about the realities of his life as an Indian man living in England during the 19th century. It’s a rare instance (at least, in my experience) in which a romance novel actually addresses British colonialism and talks about why just being defiant doesn’t always work for people, and it does so without Anjan having to explicitly perform emotional labor and teach her about race, class, etc. I’m sure readers of color will have a better take on this, so I’d listen to them. Emily’s story also carries the added layer of how disabled or chronically ill people are treated, and I think Milan does a good job of making clear that Jane is not there to make decisions for Emily, but support her in what she wants. The plot as a whole, though, seemed to jump around a bit too much for my taste. As I expressed above, characters would reach milestones in their relationships somewhat quickly, and I think some events unfolded a bit too rapidly to really feel weighty (the way Jane and Oliver overcome Brandenton, their common antagonist, for example). Much of the stuff with Oliver’s family felt relevant, but dropped in rather than interwoven with the plot more fully. There’s a bit with Sebastian, Oliver’s cousin, who is a joy to read, but his involvement seems to be hinting at the next book in the series rather than being integral to this story. Towards the end, things happened way too fast for any event to have much significance, so it felt like Milan was just trying to wrap things up. A little slower pace would have been satisfactory, or maybe a more streamlined plot.

Characters:  Like those in her other stories, Milan’s characters are unique and memorable, particularly the heroines, who are the right balance of independent and trapped by their societal context. Jane, our heroine, is a rich heiress, but caught in a bind because she simultaneously gains access to upper class circles (via her money) yet is kept outside of them (due to her birth and manners). Oliver, the hero, is an interesting counterpart, since he gains access to the upper class through his education, yet is also kept at arm’s length because of his birth. Seeing the two of them try to navigate the arbitrary rules of “polite” society in order to get what they want was fascinating, as was the way their goals put them at odds with each other. Emily and Anjan, too, were charming characters, and I loved the familial bond between Emily and Jane. I also very much liked the relationship between Oliver and his father, as well as Oliver and his sister, Free (who is the heroine of The Suffragette Scandal). I also found Jane’s companions, the Johnson sisters, to be a pleasant surprise, as I was expecting them to be there as antagonists throughout the whole book, but I ended up liking them when their friendship with Jane was put to the test.

Other Romance: Seeing Oliver and Jane fall for each other through their mutual need to get back at the upper class was a delight, to say the least. And I very much enjoyed that Oliver grew to love Jane’s garish gowns, in his way, when everyone else despises them. Their dynamic was cute, especially the way they joked with each other and when Jane babbles around him, and I think the central message of their story - that nobody is truly alone - was a good one. While I also liked the idea of Oliver having to learn to accept Jane as she was and realize that ambition isn’t everything, I think the plot happened so fast that the pace of him learning that message was a bit off. I think a more gradual development or seeing more inner conflict would have gone a long way.

Continuing With the Series? Yes!

Recommendations: I would recommend this book if you’re interested in historical romance (especially set in 19th century England), stories about social class, ambitious protagonists, heiresses, and strong sibling relationships.

[kathleenignacio]

Keep your WordPress fit

The WordPress application has matured a lot in its last ten years of existence . The rationalization of many processes such as updates, such as the standardization of many aspects of its functionality, are a dedication to make it simpler to use and incorporate new functions.

No matter how many automations developed in WordPress management, you still need to take extra measures to ensure that your website is fit in terms of performance and security . In this article I will raise certain questions and suggest certain improvements that will help you sustain your website in good shape.

1. Do you have the WordPress core, plugins and updated themes? update wordpress

I'm sure you've heard about this many times before, but it's still the number one question about the security and performance of a WordPress site.

When I look at the statistics of all our servers in SiteGround, I am always surprised and in all circumstances the amount of people who maintain the previous versions despite each and every one of the comforts that both WordPress and the host offer them to keep up to date. without care. These are certain things you could take advantage of:

1.1 Native Updates You probably remember that as of version 3.7, WordPress introduced a native automatic update feature among the smaller versions. This is a huge feature that can be taken advantage of immediately, and that will keep your web page safe at all times.

Most minor version updates are full of security patches, so you should not skip them under any circumstances. And if your WordPress is not yet version three.7 or higher, update as soon as possible so you can benefit from the native changes.

1.2 Managed Hosting Service Also, certain web hosting companies, SiteGround is one of them, they offer a managed WordPress service where you receive a WordPress auto-update whenever there is a new version , and this also includes updates to major versions. And even some of the hosts offer automatic plugin update when the kernel is self-updated.

1.3 Check the WordPress desktop alarms Finally, if you are not benefiting from the services of your host, on the WordPress desktop you will generally receive alarms about new versions of some active complement or the kernel. You just have to click and update it.

1.4 Add a configuration line to have the kernel updated to important versions If you want your WordPress to automatically update to the important versions, not only the minor ones, you can put the following line in your wp-config.php file :

define( 'WP_AUTO_UPDATE_CORE', true ); 1.5 Check before updating Of course you may have certain fears, completely justified, to deconfigure your website when updating it. In this case, I recommend that you make a copy of your website and try it on it first. Again, you can search for hosts that offer a test environment to make this process uncomplicated .

2. What version of PHP do you have? php 7 wordpress

Does your WordPress still work with PHP 5.2? Was this version the default one million years ago when you installed it?

WordPress has already stopped supporting PHP version five.2 and, normally, they tend to encourage their users to stay in the latest version of PHP. For what reason? Well, new versions of PHP are going better and are safer .

PHP 7 , incorporating the Opcode caching and the expected super-performance, will be launched very, very soon (launch options are free on SiteGround servers and you can easily move).

It is the biggest change in PHP code since PHP4 . The latest version of WordPress already supports it. It is a good idea to test how PHP7 is going on your website and update extensions that do not support it, or try to locate solutions. Do not leave.

comparative speed php 7 wordpress

Updating PHP is not as simple as updating WordPress, however, it is not a reason to neglect it. You can consult your host if you can change the version for yourself, or if you are too afraid to spoil your website, go through the testing process suggested above.

3. Do you have any add-on or theme disabled? hacking WordPress plugins themes

I would like to draw your attention to this as I have seen too many websites with more than 40 add-ons disabled . Keep in mind that although they are disabled, the files with the code are really there, in your account. This could potentially create security problems. The same applies to the topics.

The bottom line is that if you are not using a plugin, remove it completely from your application. If you have some payment plugins and do not want to remove them, make a local copy of each and every one of the payment plugins that you have purchased more than you are not using now.

If you are not using a theme, remove it completely from your application. I would advise leaving the last available WordPress theme by default as a foldback, plus everything else, to get rid of it.

4. When did you last optimize your database and review your old articles? optimize wordpress database

The first thing is to clean your database of all the information you don't need. For an example, WordPress saves multiple revisions of your posts. That is excellent, but it fills you with multiple copies of your blog posts, and also implies a considerable increase in the size of the database.

These revisions will not slow down your website, but they will slow down certain processes such as database optimization, creation of backups, and possible backup copies recovery.

I would like to advise you the Better Delete Revision ”add-on to eliminate them. It lets you remove each and every one of the reviews optimizing your database.

On the optimization itself of the databases, you can use a tool like phpMyAdmin or if you have the WP-CLI at your disposal,

5. Have you optimized the size of your images? compress image

The images are a huge part of your website and it is a great idea to do everything you can to optimize them. I personally divide the process into 2 parts:

5.1 Lower the number of thumbnails When you upload an image to your website, WordPress automatically creates several copies of the image and rescale it. The number of thumbnails created depends on the theme.

Currently, there are many themes that give many layers of different pages, and produce dozens of miniatures of different sizes. This inflates the number of images in your account and their size. My advice is to examine all the page models, write down the thumbnails you are really using, and eliminate the ones you don't use, optimizing the space occupied by the images, and the total number of inodes in your account.

Doing this is partially simple: first open the functions.php file  on your website, and look for a part of thumbnail creation. It should be something like this:

add_image_size( 'thumbnail-name', 255, ciento noventa y uno, true ); Comment only on the lines responsible for the sizes you don't need. Once that is done, you need to regenerate the thumbnails. I invite you to use the Regenerate thumbnails plugin. Keep in mind that it can take hours to regenerate each and every one, so make sure you do not miss any, and also try not to do so during the busiest hours of your website in terms of traffic.

5.2 Optimize existing images The smaller the image size, the faster the page load will be!

Another preferred add-on that I now add on my sites and on all the ones I work on, is EWWW Image Optimizer. Optima without loss of quality each and every one of the images that you upload to your website, and it has a huge button Optimize all ”to do it directly.

Basically, the plugin reduces the size of your images without decreasing their quality. Great results guaranteed!

6. How fast is your website? What loading speed do you have? web speed

In general, the speed of your website suggests what performance optimizations you can start. If your pages take longer to load more than a second and your score on certain speed tests that I lie in this section is low, start with the preceding suggestions to improve it.

Here are certain tools that I use on a regular basis to test the loading speed of the websites I work with:

Each WordPress installation has a different set of themes, plugins and content, and there is no universal solution or a single approach. You need to regularly update your website, test it, and solve the

[medellia-of-the-vast-oceans]

I've been thinking about this for the last few days actually. I have ADHD and I call it a disability, because that's what it is in my opinion. It's not a mental disorder (in that case I'd rather prefer the term neurodevelopmental disorder). But it's like the society just treat us as any neurotypical which is very unfair. I happened to get my diagnosis at a really good hospital and they were able to provide me a gigantic whiteboard which I hung on my wall, so that I could write down my weekly schedule and such. I got the inattentive type so I forget things very easily. That was great but that was pretty much it (and they don't do this anymore anyway) and my meds of course. The medicine with really uncomfortable side affects like complete loss of appetite, which might sound less awful than it is but it's something I find very difficult to deal with... Especially when you can hear and feel your stomach growling for food but you just can't fucking eat! So you have to force feed yourself.

Anyway, back on topic. It's a disability and we deserve to have rights as any other person with a "real" disability. I've honestly not thought about this much because once I got my diagnosis it was like "you can take therapy classes on learning how to deal with it" and that was it. I did take them and sure I did learn some things but at the end of the day those tips were just tips on how to adjust myself to the neurotypical society. It's not until now I've realised how much of a fuck you that was to me. MY BRAIN WORKS DIFFERENTLY COMPARED TO YOURS. I can't learn to think like you or do things the same way you do but I (try) do it anyway because I don't have any other choice.

This leads to a lot of stress, worrying, anxiety and exhaustion. It just feels like my disability is never taken seriously. Everyone just expect me to be hyper (which I'm not since I have the inattentive type) if I tell them about my ADHD. ITS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. So. Much. More. And I have to take the medicine to keep up with you neurotypicals because yeah, I'd do anything to not have to take that medicine one more time. But for that to happen things have to change. Mainly at work places because yeah, I think those with ADHD should be allowed to have shorter work days for example but still get full pay. I think it should be an option. Why? Because at work theres a lot of stimulis which can be draining. Considering all the things we have to keep track on and think about too which neurotypicals don't have to think about because it comes naturally to them... Yeah that is VERY draining and can cause a lot of stress and anxiety too.  I know it has for me.

Sorry, if it all sounded a bit incoherent. I'm tired and it's late but honestly. I just want my rights and I hate how I'm expected to perform just as well as a neurotypical person in everything. I can't live up to that. I've tried and it might seem like I'm doing just fine but I'm just so tired of that and it's very stressful. ADHD isn't as simple as you might think.