#ppl who im friends w who understand what im saying
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after discussing with qpp like philosophers, im thinking very much abt making a ramble blog (to anyone who cares)
(EDIT, twas in my q) @angeldigital92 hey... its here.. if you even care.... /j
#be quiet engel#another reason tbh is bc i outgrew instagram and i feel like posting there abt my insane shit just isnt the same#like for the very few who follow my priv insta is basically#ppl who im friends w who understand what im saying#ppl who are slightly if not older than me and rather watch actual shows then anime (anti me)#and then theres like. other gays who only fixate on “some” things and never like anythijg else other than THAT thing they like oh so much#insta is good if you have the right imgs i simply dont save imgs like that anymore + writing and placing txt kinda a nightmare#methought at least HERE i could write my shit put it in queue maybe and or post it and forget whatever i wrote#bc probably like. 3 ppl are gonna follow it#as my qpp said tho fr fr its very freeing and i knew that feeling when i was vent posting on insta and twitter and like#probably not gonna post vent but yk ill be goikg all crazy qnd stupid you just gotta understand me personally ig to understand my insanity#i might also delete this later or something idk ww
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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the thing that gets me abt religious ppl is they'll demand u respect their religion & that religion hating your existence but they won't respect ur right to be like yea my belief says god isn't real so thats a dumb reason for hating other people or ye ok then ur god is homophobic thats kinda shitty they go APESHIT like. it goes both ways? like they can say i hate gay ppl bc of my religion but when a gay person says well i dont respect that religion bc it doesnt respect me its ww3. I'm not walking on eggshells for people who are too quick to condemn me to hell
#likeeee. ppl have been homophobic to me bc 'their religion condemns it' but i cant be like ok well then fuck ur religion?#but they can say okay fuck you and be hateful and intolerant like that?#why do i tolerate u if u wont tolerate me? im just#like to me as an atheist/agnostic im like. hearing that something i dont even think is real is why u hate me as a person is so insane#like 'its unnatural and wrong bc my religion says so' like ok. why does that have to affect me as someone who doesnt follow said religion#jusr wish more religious ppl were as understanding and non judgemental as they claim they are??#like ur gna say that shit to me? u think god likes that ur speaking for him rn? u rly see urself on the same level as god?#u think YOU can judge others? embarrassing#*smacks own ass* this baby can fit so much religious trauma#i love religion sm for some ppl but then other aspects of it im like why cant yall just modify this as society progresses#them books old as hell them writers didn't even know electricity but ur talking their word abt an entire group of ppl being wrong & evil?#i like when religious ppl apply the teachings to modern society & take into account how shit has changed#when ppl take the good parts of religion and focus on them and bring that religious warmth w them where they go is so nice#(my friends<333)#like they live by them teachings and are good ppl but dc abt divorce or abortion or gays bc society has changed & ppl ultimately deserve#control of their own bodies and shouldnt have to be trapped in bad partnerships#& girls who love other women and dont agree w the typical 'woman serve men' that a lot of religious old folk got goin on#if u can modify some stuff in the religious books whats stopping u extending that grace to literal people just being who they are
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i think i exist solely to be misinterpreted i dont know how to actually reach anyone my existence is just people looking at me and & rolling dice 2 see if theyll misinterpret me in a good or bad way && it is almost always bad
#people thinking im rude when i dont even know whats going on im just Standing Here or saying smthn w positive meaning but they dont see it#i have never in my life met anyone irl who doesnt instantly dislike me. and i MEAN that. i am so hateable my existence hits the switch#i dont. do anything i dont have any malice in me at all i try 2 be polite as hard as i can just because thats my default. thats me#i think thats where my ed comes in so hard. its always like well if u just get small enough people will like you. itll give u the chance.#im too big im too much of a nuisance i take up too much space im always in the way i need to be as small and likable as i can or everyone#will always hate me. theyll always despise me and im the reason im the one ruining it#ive only ever had like 2 actual friends (online) they looked at me n went yeah ur cool im gonna see the things u do as endearing & positive#even the one friend i have now constantly thinks im doing things negatively n scolds me for it. .... n man it feels Bad#even my therapist does it#i still think about my first therapist asking me if i think anyone can understand what im saying#maybe they cant#it makes me feel so lost o(-<#do i even exist if i cant reach anyone#i feel like tumblr is the only place i hav where ppl understand me#but maybe thats just because ive gathered a lil community of ppl who see me in a positive light#n thus the things i say r good instead of bad#maybe i dont make any sense and im the only one who cant see it#my bf is the only one ive ever felt actually understands me n i understand them n that does mean the world 2 me#but man. in everything else i am so lost#i am so inhuman and it is obvious#it feels like everyone else is on a different floor level & building than me an im just looking through the window#and theyre deciding whether im a creep or someone gazing out 2 enjoy the day
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so now im sure she is the one who has been sending me anon hate about me being ugly.... 💀
#she said things like oh i would never send anon hate to anyone!!!#but ig ppl just say anything and then do it anyway 💀#ppl will just lie and pretend to be your friend to then use your insecurities against u#if she acted like a grown up and talked to me i wouldve listened#but that wouldve required her to listen to me tooand not just judge me#and ig she couldnt do that#so she took the easy route#like if i explained to her that yeah i felt abandoned by u bc u just stopped talking to me as soon as u got a bf#and then i kept talking to that guy bc of these reasons where i wanted to see if i could pick up on signs#bc being abused by my bf is one of my biggest fears i have#and she wouldve said iget that but i still feel uncomfortable. then i couldve listened to hger and decided if i wanted to keep making her#uncomfortable and hurt her or just stop. but she didnt say anything or try to communicate or listen#and now to see what a fucking shallow narrow minded view she has#is frustrating bc she hadnt even tried to talk or understand or communicate or explain her side#which is like ok that sucks but whatever i will just let it go#but then she keeps sending me hate abt what i confided to her abt and talk shit abt me and it is like#can u just let it go#just stop everything. lets just pretend we have never known eo or talked at all#anyway ig i dont wanna be friend w a woman who invalidates founded fears#like shes just the kind of woman who would tell her friends that#oh yeah your bf hit u just bc he loves u stop complaining!!#so ig this is good either way but like. ig she just assumes i was flirting behind her back#bc she cant comprehend a woman only being friendly with a guy#and like i didnt keep telling that guy im already in love w someone lmao 💀💀#gosh...disappointing. people are so disappointing#and childish and shallow and narrow minded. yikes
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its a shame that fandom spaces are just as romance centered as the media we consume bc when i think of what would be a possibly insane dynamic that has strong comedic potential but also is not widely discussed, i cant articulate it shortly outside of "crackship" which implies insincerity (like no, i do think this is cool its just nowhere else especially the canon/s) or "rarepair" which implies a romantic/sexual nature thats just not there
#i was going to add who this was about but then i decided id do that in its own post#idk maybe its just me who thinks “ships” and “ship names” tend to refer to explicitly romantic relationships#rather than platonic friendships (or qprs)#but im pretty sure its not#we need to just make them about “these two characters interacting in a way that will make you feel good/bad (depending on angst levels)”#im not articulating myself very good but also im too aro to understand#its like how i didnt understand homophobia bc you have friends of the same gender and isnt that the same feeling as romance#or how i didnt understand the “we need more romantic mlm” and “we need platonic mlm who are still physically/emotionally close”#bc like. its the same thing to me. i see no difference love is love except literally#and that translates into how i inherently view things#so like i do not see romance until like kissing or sex or w/e but even then its not uncommon to not see it. like ppl do that stuff whenever#idk what im saying anymore blehhhhh#aromantic#moss' madness
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He won't leave my fucking friends alone.
#tales from diana#sorry this is about that bad friend i have to break up w that ive posted abt on and off the past couple weeks/months maybe#i still have to send him that final 'i dont wanna speak to you ever again'#ive been fucking busy ok. my summer has been full of family events and obligations#i have one brother getting married and the other having a baby!!! i have a LIFE and SHIT TO DO and PPL TO BE THERE FOR other than YOU!!!#i havent spoken to him in over 2 months too and he knows it's bc i don't want to#he's so difficult bc you can't fucking tell him the truth. you can't!!! he can't handle it!!! do you know how hard it is to handle???#the things i have to do to cut him off. because he doesn't respect normal fucking boundaries. make ME feel like im in the wrong#like im the shady person and the liar.#i can't drift from him bc hell pull me back#i can't communicate w him bc he won't hear anything i have to say he'll just turn it around & make it abt himself.#he literally does not understand ppl having motivations to do things that don't relate to him#and he has no sympathy for what he does to other ppl. nothing but self-pity for how they don't like him anymore.#if he dealt w someone who put him through half of what he put ME through. no he couldn't actually.#i only allowed him to manipulate me for so long because i cared abt him. who i thought he was.#and he just point blank period doesn't care about other ppl. so he could never go through what ive gone through w him.#i feel like all this friend breakup has proven to me is that im actually a good person and it can be used against me by ppl who arent#some fucking lesson i needed to learn huh?#i hate feeling as negatively towards anyone as i do towards him. it's so hard for me not to have at least#a little spark of hope deep down for everyone. even ppl ive removed from my life before. i dont HATE them#theyve disappointed me or insulted me or mistreated me but at least their motivations seemed simple and clear#and MOST of them seemed to understand SOMEWHAT that they were in the wrong#even if they don't admit it to me or still find an excuse to hate me. whatever#i can see them as ppl who might feel remorse someday and grow from it#i do not see it in this guy. bc if you have a problem w him he'll only make it 20 times worse.#he's so selfish it genuinely baffles me to think about it. and he's one of the least honest ppl ive ever known.#he'll never see the error of his ways. i do not believe he has that capacity.#and will i say none of this to him? no#im just going to say thanks for leaving me alone these past couple months. it's been good for me.#i don't think i can continue our friendship anymore for my own sake.
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Are you gonna keep making content for imaginary friends?
Nope!
#Ive pretty much fallen out of omori at this point#Which isnt to say that ill never make omori content again#Theres still some fanfic fanart stuff i might finish and ofc luck swap#Plus who knows i might get back into omori at some point#But imaginary friends specifically was a big part of why i fell out of omori tbh#It got way bigger than i expected and just became way too overwhelming#plus what happened on reddit REALLY upset me =_=#Thank you everyone for the support! I really am flattered that people would be interested in my au!! But it was never meant to be that big#of a thing and im sure you can understand why i’d get burned out ^^;#Maybe ill work up the courage to make a final post about the imaginary friends ideas i never got to and some art i never finished#But im kinda scared of it blowing up again -w-; idk if thats like. A prideful thing to think or something#Plus i dont want ppl following me thinking im still gonna be posting omori and then get disappointed#Anyways. If you read all that uh thanks ig? Have a cookie 🍪#Annd if youre a fan of IF im really sorry TwT
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REAL test of wether ur friends r truly ur friends is if u can do karaoke with them
#friends arent ab ppl who see u as The Best. they r ppl you can fucking suck around :'))))#AND ESPECIALLY. someone nice enough as my friend ***. i always have a kinda bad overreaction 2 🌿 and so im at the front of the room#early throwing up bc my throat closes up and im awkward and idk whats going on since i dont do it often enough to understand#and my friend *** !!!! SHE doesnt sit there and be distant while u have ur awkward moment#shes the person who brings you water & is patient as your throat opens up & u have ur embarrassing moment shes there 4 u#honestly.a genuine blessing in my life#all that to say. only b friends w ppl u can do karaoke with and who u can do grass with bc u arent worried embarssing human moments#r any sort of deal breaker#if u cant do that silly jazz w ppl then they r not ur friends.#makes alllllll the difference
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i’m the fool for thinking this guy is scared of me bc he likes me no he’s scared of me bc he could b my dad =_=
#that’s a huge exaggeration he could not b my dad at all.#i just thot it’d b funny to say that sorry sorry#captain’s log#I wanna b so positive about it and then i remember and then i’m like wel fuck who cares and then i’m like I CARE#anyway uhhhh. i think this will continue until it becomes a real problem for me#aka my friends murder me#whatever . yolo ! Hehehehe!#i do enjoy having that feeling that a guy is more scared of me that i’m scared of him#but also…. why is he scared is probably not a good reason#by probably i mean definitely#anyway um …. yeah im scared of him actually that’s just not true at all to say i’m not#but!……he’s still more of me. so that’s a win for me regardless#hes scared i can’t tell when he’s joking#BUDDY THATS U THATS LITERALLY UUUUUUU#HE GETS SCARED EACH TIME I JOKE ABOUT ANYTHING#BUDDY ITS OKAYYYYY!!!!!!!#it’s actually scary talking to him KNOWING the TRUTH.#i think i might be leading him on#i SHOULD b leading him to jump off a fucking cliff tbh! … byeee!!!!#tbh my issue is . i love talking i love guys. i love being a silly freak.#but guys aren’t attracted to me so i don’t usually get to that point#this rare instance is one that’s fucked for me . except i still wanna be silly and fun and etc.#bc it makes me happy bc i love attention and i love making guys uncomfortable#someone dissect my brain should i retire#fuck this guy i need a silly baka who understands my jokes….🚬#What’s wrong w having a guy u occasionally text can’t i have my own personal mystic messenger#Like genuinely!#my friend keeps saying we r ‘talking’ and i understand what she’s implying#but i talk to many ppl and it’s not much different than this#just bc HE likes me doesn’t mean we r ‘talking’
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sorry tag vent time this is the last place of no irls 🙏
#delete later#need a therapist soon. and medication.#but esp a therapist. bc i cannot sort thru my head at all atm#idk ive been tryna write a lil tag vent like 3 times now n i dont know what im tryna say!#cannot sort thru this shi alone anymore n cant talk to any1 w/out feeling like shi#i either worry people too much or like. its just dramatic bc im venting 2 ppl who have seen the same shi#difficult 2 talk abt like. drugs. when half ur old friends think ur an addict and half ur new friends think u r normal#its somewhere in the middle !#and i can say that and people Know that but idk#n its diff to talk abt The Traumatic Event Of September with the people who were also there#but its even harder w the people who jus look at u like ur fragile#and thats all the bs on top of i dont even know what w my base level of mental illness coz i feel like Shit all the time#n when i get drunk i wanna off myself#but like#idk#just rambling#dont understand anything in here atm#tw suicide mention#tw drugs#some1 i sorta know od-ed last night by mixin drugs and some people r blaming my mate who gave him a pill n warned him not to mix it#which is fucked#lots of that is fucked#the guy is ok btw imean he has a seizure so not that ok but like. he isnt dead. my friend is very shook up. i am also but i wasnt there#lots of things r fucked up really
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meant to be
Spencer trying and failing to flirt with you because you are oblivious to his attempts.
spencer reid x reader
i picture this as later seasons spencer maybe sometime around 12-14?
some mature themes mentions of sex at the end so 18+
writing this because i saw something about people who are bad at flirting and that’s literally me. (i hope ppl get the reference w the nickname)
Spencer had tried every day to get your attention romantically. It didn’t work. Nothing did. You were so oblivious to all of his flirting attempts. He figured maybe you had trouble understanding so he worked harder to make you think of him as more than a friend. He tried everything his genius brain could come up with.
He even made up a nickname for you, Bean, because you always had a coffee in your hand, and because he was taller than you.
Today you were getting coffee with him as usual. At your favorite coffee shop and library. You didn’t work at the BAU so you would eventually have to go to your own job so Spencer decided to try again.
Since you lived in the same building, neighbors in the same hall, he picked you up every morning. Drove you to get coffee and you each picked a book for each other and then he drove you to work.
He knocks on your door awaiting anxiously. You come out in your outfit, just a t shirt and jeans. you didn’t have a dress code at your job, you were an author and usually went into a nice office that the publishing company provided to write since you had a hard time focusing in your apartment. Too many distractions.
In Spencer’s car you make small talk as he tries to think of a way to flirt with you. Normally he’d call Morgan but his son was a toddler now so he was busy. He gets so lost in his head he doesn’t realize he just ran a stop sign on accident and almost hit someone.
He hears you yell “Spencer what the fuck!” and slams the brakes. The other car honks and his heart is pounding in his brain. He pulls to the side of the road and stops.
“Spencer. Breathe. It’s ok.” You worry tracing your face at the sight of his extremely fast breathing and you rub his back reassuringly.
“Holy shit.” He barely chokes out. His face is beet red and he looks like he’s about to have a panic attack.
“Switch.” You tell him. He looks at you and feels comforted immediately by your face. “Let’s go, switch.” You get out of the car and switch sides.
‘So much for flirting’ he thinks. Then it hits him. When he picks your book for the day, he’ll give you a romantic story. Something that says ‘I really like you but I’m an idiot so I don’t know how to tell you but i’m not actually an idiot because im technically a genius but my fucked up life has ruined romance for me but i’d love to try it with you if you are okay with that.’
When you take over driving you don’t talk. You just focus on the road. You had even turned the music off. He hopes you’re not upset with him. That thought quickly dissipates when you pull into the parking lot and your face is beaming. You both race to the entrance and he gets there first and opens the door for you. You stick your tongue out at him and he smirks.
You order your usual drinks and he gets himself a breakfast bagel and you get a croissant. He puts the food at a table and you both get up to grab each other a book. You had yours picked since last night, The Godfather. It’s only a little over 400 pages so he’ll probably finish it by lunch time but at least it will be fun for him since it will make him think of you. At least you hope it does.
You have a habit of making funny commentary during movie nights. When you watched ‘The Godfather’ trilogy with Spencer he had laughed so hard he cried.
Meanwhile Spencer is searching rows of books looking for the right one. He moves to poetry but nothing feels right. He feels slightly frustrated so he moves back to classics and picks ‘A Little Princess’ instead. A favorite of yours you had read in elementary school. Not romantic but shows he knows you well.
When he makes his way back to the register to check the book out, you’re already seated munching your croissant. He makes his way to you and hides the book behind his back. You discreetly pull yours out of your bag and hide it the same way.
“1,2,3!” You both count at the same time and then reveal your books. Spencer cracks up when he sees the book you had picked. He had read this before but he enjoyed it because it reminded him of you. You both eat and finish your coffees. You look at each other.
“More?” Spencer asks.
“Obviously.” You answer. You both stand up and order more coffee.
Back in Spencer’s car you open the book and start reading. He’s about to put the key in the ignition when sudden confidence hits him. He doesn’t know if it’s the caffeine but he doesn’t care. He should kiss you right now. He stares at you until you look up.
“You’re going to be late for work if you don’t start that engine up soon Mr. Chauffeur.” You tease him.
He leans closer and puckers his lips slightly. He’s so filled with lust he just can’t wait anymore.
You look at him strangely. Was he trying to kiss you right now? Probably not. Truth was you were always so filled with doubt whenever you liked someone. Especially Spencer. He was just too handsome and sweet and perfect.
He leans in even closer to you and tilts his head. You, however, had gone back to your book and weren’t even looking at him.
“Does this make you uncomfortable” Spencer leans in closer. He closes his eyes and you lean down to reach for something from your bag. He doesn’t feel your soft lips on his and thinks he may have missed your face. He opens his eyes.
“Everything does. I have anxiety Spencer. All the time anywhere day and night. ” You reply while eating a yogurt you had found in your tote.
Spencer pulls away and smacks his forehead. He starts the car and drops you at your work and drives to the BAU feeling defeated. What would it take for you to realize how bad he wants you.
That night he decides to drop by your apartment. You had gotten a ride home from work by a friend tonight. He opens his door and walks the short distance to yours.
When his hand knocks on your door he feels nervous. You open the door and greet him.
“Hi!” You cheer.
“Hey, I was gonna order a pizza. You want?” He lies. He actually wasn’t the biggest fan of pizza. He didn’t eat it too often but it was your favorite food so why not.
“That would be great. I’m starving.” You clutch your belly dramatically. Which makes Spencer laugh.
He picks up the phone, “What would you like on the pizza m’lady.”
You tap your chin and think. “Sausage.” You reply. Spencer thinks of a way to flirt. Kind of.
“How much sausage would you like?” He asks smirking.
“Uhh, 5? I don’t know dude. The normal amount that goes on a pizza?” You answer sarcastically, going to your dvd rack to pick a movie. Spencer sighs. He calls and places the order and helps you pick a movie.
“How about ‘How To Be A Serial Killer?’ That’s a good one. I love Matthew Gray Gubler in this one so much.” You fan girl a little.
“Who the fuck is Matthew Gray Gubler? Also, no, not with my line of work. I need a break from that.” Spencer asks with a hint of jealousy in his voice. You clasp your hand over your heart dramatically.
“Ok, fine. how about a Disney Classic? Sleeping Beauty is my favorite.” You ask. Spencer nods. You put the movie on and grab two root beers from your fridge. Spencer thanks you when you hand him one and you lay a big fluffy blanket over you both. Not far into the movie the pizza arrives and you cheers Spencer with your pizza slice.
After you both eat and are full the movie is still on. You’re starting to feel sleepier by the second. Spencer offers you to lay with him and you take him up on it. He’s basically a giant teddy bear. He’s so warm and comfortable.
“I’ve got a real life sleeping beauty right here.” He whispers to you. You smile with your eyes closed. Too sleepy to open. He gets out from under you, to your dismay. He cleans up the trash from eating. He even washes some dishes you had left sitting. When he comes back, you’re still half awake. He sees you sneak an eye open to look at him and your smile after.
“It seems there’s a fair maiden who has fallen asleep. However can we wake her? What if she sleeps for a hundred years?!” He exclaims. You start giggling softly. He leans closer to observe you.
“I don’t believe it! She’s laughing in her sleep! Must be quite a funny dream. Wonder what it is. Only one way to find out.” He gently leans down and kisses your lips softly. This action puts you in shock and you’re blushing. He starts to pull away because doubts fill his mind. You grab his hair and pull him back in.
You both pull back and he starts to ask you,
“Were you ok with that?”
You cut him off, “Yes.” Then you rip your shirt off. Spencer’s in shock. He follows your lead and starts undressing. He picks you up and carries you to your bedroom. The kiss you’re sharing is deepening by the second.
“Fuck why is it so hot in here.” You complain.
“I can think of a few reasons.” Spencer had been kissing you on your neck sucking the skin softly. He lays you back on the bed. He makes you comfortable. He goes down on you and then fucks you like you’ve never been fucked before.
The next morning you woke up naked next to him flashes of last night replaying. You couldn’t believe it. Spencer was so passionate! You didn’t even imagine he liked you like that.
He groans next to you and turns over. You get up and put on some coffee. When you come back into the bedroom he’s awake and looking for you.
“Hey, coffee’s ready.” You lean over and kiss him. He groans too tired to give an answer. He pulls you into the bed and holds you longer.
With him, this felt so easy and realistic.
Then you realize something.
This was meant to be.
the end ♡
to anyone who read this far: hope u enjoyed reading!! please let me know if u enjoyed! xoxo
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Toshiro/Shuro is overhated
(mirror of my thread on twitter)
ever wanted to talk abt something so bad but u have so many thoughts so u cant even begin to organize a sentence. thats me abt shuro and its why i cant give my thoughts on him. i NEED to get this out of my system bc its takign up so much memory in my brain i need that space for thinking.
so i was really surprised to find so much hate for him even tho he seems pretty normal and rational out of the whole cast. ive deducted that its mostly abt his laios fight and that the ppl who hate him probably had bad experiences w social cues and relationships w neurotypicals bc of that. theres no way to avoid it bc its pretty much Right In Your Face that laios is ND. but thats not the only factor in why their relationship is rocky. its also the culture barrier. u have to understand toshiro was raised as JAPANESE NOBILITY ofc he would be a little conservative
also culture shock. idk if u know this but jp culture is very Mind Your Own Business like a lot of other asian cultures . ofc hes gonna be weirded out by a stranger invading his space. also his names not even Shuro. its just yt ppl not pronouncing his name right and settling for whats easiest.
img src: fan translation by savaralyn2 , i think its from the adventurers bible Complete Edition bc i dont remember it in the old one
ok you get the gist of the culture aspect of it. lets go into the ND/NT clash aspect of it. yes i understand its pretty hurtful to never be told when youre acting inappropriately. i am autistic too lmao. but you have to understand that shiro is one guy and he even does realize that repressing things is one of his fatal flaws. again. asian culture. non confrontational. that sorta thing. but these are genuine frustrations. if i were him id be annoyed too but id speak out about it. set boundaries. bc im blunt. shiros not. he was taught crazy strict manners (hierarchies, respect, politeness, etc).
his problem isnt ableism its a culmination of culture barriers, how he was raised to behave, and terrible lack of communication as thing caused by "all of the above" plus he just generally keeps to himself a lot which means repressing frustrations that will explode leading to a pathetic fistfight while hes starved, exhausted, and dehydrated. also. if he was ableist he would hate laios. he doesnt hate laios. at the end of the day, they are friends. NT and ND ppl can be friends u know. there will be rifts (like their fight) but you just have to communicate misunderstandings. theyre gonna be fine lol
anyways that was my whole spiel abt it. i think i got everything out that i wanted to? my head still feels a little full so i may add more later when i remember something
also i think its a little unfair to rule out the possibility of laios and him just being 2 very different kinds of ND bc its very common for misunderstandings to occur even then. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT BUT WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER! but for the sake of interpreting the Fight as a commentary on NT social rules and ND frustration, ill say toshiros NT. will we ever know? hes so far in the sidelines... youd really have to dig in the extra content to see the intricacies of his character.... please give him a chance
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even more embarassing when there r no new videos and i have to go back to one ive seen before or a channel ive been binging for bedtime. it feels like theyve got a Welcome home cheater sign hung up. and im just like Hey honey ... Can i sleep with you tonight..... and she (my youtube video girlfriend) is like tch. look whos come craaaawling baaaack to me. <- phrase ive been loving recently tag finds it very funny. but anyways yeah thats what its like basically
kind of embarassing looking for a yt video to listen to while i fall asleep. Like hi youtubers whos going to accompany me to bed today. Just a weird thought to have. yk. We should . Go on a tall rollercoaster and have fun and eat funnelcake. <- Rewiring my brain
#this post is not abt like bejng in love with youtubers or parasocializing w youtubers the YouTube video girlfriend is The videos#i dont tend to parasocialize very much . i do more w YouTubers than celebrities bc like kbviously. but still not very much and on the rare#occasion i do find myself feeding into that i like Remind myself i dont know them. yk. i try to get healthay with it#and even those ones its like. i dont tend to wonder abt their life outside of videos. so idk DJFNFNNF. im just like Ah my friend has made#another video that i can watch Lovely . like theyre my friend in the same way characters r my friend. not that they arent ppl. u understand#but like. ik like... mabel pines doesnt know who i am and never will bc she cant. the same wya i know drawing comedy channel members will#not ever know who i am and i get No distress from that NFBFB i donot want to be personal friends with the ppl i watch#not that i dont think they seem like nice ppl just like i dont actually know them theg dont actually know me. You know is this making any#ssnse. im worried i just sound like somebody who Does parasocialize a lot but is making excuses for it. not what im trying to do i jsut have#trouble knowing what other ppl mean when they say like. parasocializing. bc i tend 2 think of it in the extreme so im not sure if jokingly#calling a yter My bestie counts idk....#idk. i dont think it hurts anything anyways i never leave comments im not on the same social media as these ppl. so...
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yeah im a aro-spec lesbian and ive literally been told that im 'reinforcing the predatory lesbian stereotype' bc i still sleep w/ ppl even tho im not really interested in dating rn. it doesnt matter that there are plenty of other lesbians that have casual sex, but apparently thats fine since they can fall in love but its bad when i do it bc im just 'using ppl' and 'have commitment issues'. even tho the women i sleep w/ all know and are fine w/ there not being any potential romance. but yeah amatonormativity totally isnt a problem in the lesbian community 🙄
yeah godddd even in queer spaces im super hesitant about being openly aro. cause casual sex/FWB is all fun and quirky when you're assumed to be allo and will eventually get a romantic partner/view casual sex as a gateway to romance. but if you are openly aro and want casual sex/FWB/sexual friendship/etc. then you are reinforcing stereotypes/internalized homophobia/traumatized/commitment issues/a heartless slut preying on allo people (who have feelings while we don't because we're incapable of love or being hurt!)
i think a lot of allo people don't understand that there is a difference in how people treat someone whose "taking a break from dating/sex to focus on themself" or "just having fun and letting off steam" and an aro/ace person just. existing and doing anything at all. if i told people i was taking a break from dating pr wasn't looking for anything serious right now they'd be totally chill, but say i don't feel romantic attraction, never want a romantic relationship and my ideal relationship is "friends with benefits"? suddenly they treat me like i'm a dr. phil guest.
and its bitterly ironic for the exact reason you mentioned: allos accuse us of "leading people on" and tend to assume we're going to be somehow toxic or abusive or predatory in relationships. and so we'll be so painfully clear about what we want and don't want and get confirmation that its okay a million times.... and then our allo lovers will get mad at us for not being okay with things we explicitly said we weren't okay with, and for not falling in love despite our explicit explanation that we don't fall in love.
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I say this from the warmest place in my heart, your community is already around you. People are rallying to keep you safe. Telling people with zero duty of care to you that if they specifically don't talk to you there will be blood on their hands is only going to make them feel as if they are being manipulated. You have people on here talking to you daily begging you to stay safe because they care, focus on them, they are your friends.
i know. i know. i know. why cant anyone understand that im so much less mentally there that making friends is so much harder than before. if i could rebuild anything w the few ppl who havent just blocked n fucked off n who just dont talk maybe it wouldnt be so hard to becomr a person again. its not easy with brand new people. im always 2 minutes away from death in my head, im terrified. and im gonna keep having less and less until gaining more isnt even an option. but i just cant make new friends when everyones connected to the old friends or doesnt know me at all. i dont even know me! i never wanted anyone to hate anyone!!! im just a fucking scared girl i never wanted to hate anyone and i didnt do anything to hurt anyone im just dying and i dont know what to do ive lost everything n everyone new is so so so far away
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