#posting art as rejection therapy

[robiny]

”come closer.”

[hungwood]

/ I can only imagine how as he grew up, Matthias began to resent the art of puppetry and all that was tied to it, the smell of acrylic paint drying, the rugged texture of papier mache, the old yet reliable saw he had to keep on sharpening to cut through wood, the texture of dusty fingers after sanding clay; truth be told, his interest in puppet-making wasn't born from thin air nor was it an intrinsical 'Czernin family' ingredient that all members were simply born with and that he happened to naturally acquire; to a young Matthias, the world of puppets was only a tool to feel closer to his parents, to receive praise and love, to get noticed. To feel like he belonged to the family, that he was one of them. This however proved to never be enough as his parents were simply too focused on the praise they could get from their craft, always aspiring for better mechanisms, livelier and more colorful puppets, whatever could sell and bring them a higher status.

Pretending, pushing that enthusiasm to a point that went beyond what it actually weighed was naturally not enough, and this hope he had of having something that could help him bond with his parents turned into bitterness as time passed. He simply could not keep up with it and in turn, it hardened his heart. It brought apathy to him, it made him withdraw more to himself, and in turn, this led to him eventually getting replaced by Louis, the livelier friendlier version of Matthias, the Matthias his parents 'knew', the better one

[crimson-and-clover-1717]

Stede Bonnet, Renaissance Man (Or an Exceptional Man who Thinks He’s Mediocre)

I’ve posted before about Stede’s love of beauty. He’s an aesthete, finding wonder in art and creative self-care rather than the transcendental. Stede’s a freethinker. He challenges the orthodoxies of his time, rejecting forced heteronormative behaviours, and even questioning the accepted traditions of piracy.

The thing about Stede is he often asks ‘why?’ It’s partly what makes him dangerous to some. This slant towards subversion is much of what Izzy observes and detests. It’s one of many reasons Stede must be kept from Ed. Like a number of Renaissance-style thinkers before him, Stede refuses to go along with the status quo. He is ‘doing something original’, questioning dogma. Many find it ridiculous, bizarre even. And it’s significant that instead Ed finds Stede enchanting, because it demonstrates who Ed might be given the chance to find his own path.

Stede is also a polymath and likely an autodidact - I doubt he learned about ‘insane foliage’ at school. He is self-motived and seems to have knowledge across a broad spectrum of disciplines. Literature, drama, botany, entomology, psychology, art, textiles. Stede’s very much about the life of the mind.

And he’ll approach areas at which he’s not so gifted, such as cartography and sword-fighting, with the enthusiasm of a dilettante; when he can’t succeed the traditional way, he simply subverts the discipline and does it his own. However, the most important thing for me in defining Stede as a Renaissance man is his humanism. People are front and centre. Sometimes that person is himself, and he loses sight of others. But it’s okay as that’s the point. Humanism is partly about being a messy individual who can do better. And Stede is someone who can learn and alter his position when circumstances change. He might not do so in the best way all of the time, but he is a quick-learner and highly-adaptable.

Stede also understands that no culture or institution is bigger than the people within it. The most important thing is human dignity - it’s what he shows and teaches Ned’s crew: that they deserve to be respected as people. Stede also has a strong moral core. When he messes up, he feels it deeply. He demonstrates strong ethics towards the natural world too - he’s absolutely disgusted by turtle vs. crab. Stede believes not so much in human superiority, but human responsibility, and this is the flip side of having dignity as a human being.

Another aspect of Stede’s humanism is his belief that culture should be accessible to all. Some of this might be naivety on Stede’s part rather than a well-thought out philosophy, but he believes in it intuitively. Stede wants the crew to have access to his library despite not recognising they can’t all read. He gives them musical instruments and sports facilities - he’s interested in what makes people flourish. And Stede practically invents art therapy!

His ship is also a safe-space for human relationships to blossom - romantic, platonic, and in between. Zheng’s ship might appear to offer collective harmony, but it’s mandated and dogmatically applied. Opting out of morning tai chi for a 24-hour shagathon might be viewed as an act of dissent. No such big brother is judging you on Stede’s Revenge.

And all of this is because of the man Stede is, and the influence he has on those around him. Sometimes it falls on deaf ears. Many don’t like what Stede’s offering. Others actively rebel against it. But anyone with an ounce of goodness will get what Stede Bonnet is about and embrace it. Stede doesn’t seem to understand his own power, it comes from such an authentic place. For me, it makes him all the more endearing.

[kaeyacollection]

In celebration of Diluc and Kaeya's new Theater cosmetic, I bring to you the reason behind THIS post,

"Did Diluc ever actually disown Kaeya?"

(TL;DR & art at the end)

Yeah that's right we're getting into some technicalities thanks to Knaves line about assumptions ✨️

Because who the hell decided it was a good idea to let Kaeya control the narrative uncontested?

Now, now, I hear you loudly already: He burned that boy, Diluc's an ass to him, Kaeya was banned from the household, Kaeya hasn't called him brother in YEARS, and of course,

KAEYA TOOK A FLAMING SWORD TO THE FACE

All of that would reasonably be acts of disownment without having to say the word, but when has Genshin ever been reasonable?

And while I can go on for an incredibly long time, dissecting every scene the brothers have so much as been hinted in, for you, my dear readers, I will refrain and focus on the main points 💖

Firstly, let's stray away from the main points and see what the staff thinks about all of this ✨️ Of course, they're working with limited knowledge of what happened, but it's a good place to start. We have Adelinde assuming it's Diluc's pride keeping him from setting things right, Tunner notices a problem with Kaeya but assumes he's seen as an outsider to the Dawn Winery's Family and is excluded from such talks, and Elzer, who believes while Diluc is stubborn, wouldn't actually send Kaeya away

[Adelinde's idle line, Tunner from Kaeya's Hangout, and Elzer's Hidden Strife Letter]

"When will Master Diluc finally resolve his issues with Master Kaeya."

"We did not refuse him, however. We believe that even if you were here, you would not refuse him outright."

And while that may have been true in the beginning, the staff have certainly realized the only person they need to convince to let Kaeya stay, is Kaeya

So what's the brothers issue with one another? Well, they're both incredibly petty for one, and then there's the issue where no one in their lives know enough about the situation to be able to mediate their fighting (even the Traveler doesn't know Kaeya's full story just yet).

Hell, it's not even just that they need a peacekeeper either. The dialog can't even BEGIN because it would be inappropriate for the staff to set it up, Diluc lost his right to start this talk in the flames of that night, and Kaeya knows what happened the last time he tried to have a one on one 🤷 So instead the brothers are left making various biting remarks 'cause Tyvat doesn't have therapy

"It's been years, Kaeya doesn't even blame him, he should step up 😤" Well, lately, he's been trying to. Shocking, I know. Diluc is still learning how to navigate this new personality his brother developed in his absence, and not only is he doing a terrible job at it but he's also frustrated

Between inviting Kaeya to dinner and getting rejected, trying to voice concern and being hit with venom, and only being able to keep Kaeya around if there's wine involved...

It's frustrating knowing the other person has every right to walk away, no matter how much you want to fix it. Besides, WE might know Kaeya doesn't blame him,

but Diluc clearly doesn't.

"Why doesn't he introduce Kaeya as his brother then?"

Do we see Diluc introduce Kaeya at all?

What we do have is Diluc saying he's not his "bro" in the webcomic, which has been pointed out as not being in a family sense but as buddies. Which is absolutely how "bro" is used in my area as well 🤷 but for Diluc, why the hell would he ever want to be friends with his brother? Diluc has set up the situation to be All or Nothing. Either they're brothers or they're nothing at all. And Diluc's tried the Nothing course. He kept Kaeya at a distance from his vigilante business, allowed him to revoke his place in the household (both in calling Crepus father and moving out), and keeping his distance from his brother in general [Kaeya's letter in Hidden Strife that Diluc receives before making himself scarce]

"The Grand Master has assigned the Cavalry Company to this mission. As such, I will be paying you a visit in three days. He seems to think that our relationship can be improved if we are forced to talk in person. Don’t worry, though. My lips are sealed. This will be nothing more than a formality. Anyways, three days’ notice should be enough for you, I presume?"

We know that none of that went as intended

I mean Kaeya's response to being kept away from Diluc's Dark Knight Hero business is to repeatedly show him he IS in on it just by the fact he's keeping it a secret. Hidden Strife Diluc finally talks about, albeit strained, partnership he has with the Knights now where they'll watch eachothers backs. And of course my absolute favorite of their interactions,

Diluc asking if Kaeya can cool it on the drinking, and Kaeya deciding a reasonable response is:

Or what? :) you gonna throw me out with the trash? :)

And Diluc deciding Kaeya's cut off point is whenever he starts getting sassy

[K: Any GOOD bar would have SNACKS 😤😤😤 D: aaaaaaand you're done]

I know I said you can thank the Knave for this post and that's because her line finally helped me pin down Diluc's Summer Conch dialog

"I didn't know you still remembered anything from back then... Huh."

Diluc actions line up with the bitterness of being left behind by someone who's still around.

Someone he's not willing to actually let go of

[Inviting him to dinner, saying he'd normally join Kaeya when he had the time, serving Kaeya at the bar, drinking with him outside Angels Share, drinking with him at Cats Tail, abandoning the business he claimed to have at the Cats Tail just to chase after kaeya when finding out about his tcg card (despite already admitting it doesn't bother him)]

TL;DR: If Diluc did disown Kaeya, he's doing a terrible job at following through.

Art by the wonderful Remy

[me-beef]

A collection of Fell art I don't think I've ever posted before. This is all art I've made in the last year, those first pics being done in January/February-ish? It's been fun to see how much my art has developed since then :) So, something I'm sure I've mentioned before, I have RSD- or rejection sensitive dysphoria. For the last decade or so, it's controlled a large portion of my life and has dictated a lot of what I've been able to do. It used to be a lot worse- like, eating-lunch-alone-in-the-bathroom-everyday-at-school-because-I'd-have-a-panic-attack-if-I-tried-to-go-into-the-cafeteria type of bad. Or, having-a-panic-attack-because-a-girl-complimented-my-socks-and-I-was-CERTAIN-she-was-actually-implying-I-was-a-stupid-idiot-loser-baby type of bad. It's made it really hard to make friends and maintain relationships, because a part of my brain truly believes the people around me don't want me there, or that it's better for me to be quiet and out of the way than to risk doing something "wrong" and drawing the ire of everyone around me. It was something that I was really ashamed of for the longest time. I didn't understand what I was feeling or why I acted the way that I did, I just wanted everyone around me to be happy and I felt like I was doing everything wrong and making everything worse just by being present in any given situation.

So- what ended up working for me? How did I start moving forward? Years of counseling and therapy? Yeah. Medication? That too. But do you want to know what really ended up changing my life this year? I made a character to conceptualize and encapsulate all of my anxieties and traumas, took my condition, and made it her superpower. This is already getting long, so I'll add some bits about her character under the cut:

In a ⋆˙⟡dramatic⋆˙⟡ and ⋆˙⟡tragic⋆˙⟡ childhood event, Fell's heart was fused with a star. It sounds like a magical-girl dream- but for Fell, it's only ever been a curse. Whenever her emotions flare, she has an uncontrollable surge of magic. Sometimes, that wild magic can scare or even hurt the people around her. She's become terrified of her own emotions- and that fear only exacerbate her "curse". So, she isolates herself- not out of a fear of others, but out of a fear of hurting those around her. When I was a kid, there weren't really any characters out there that I felt like I could truly identify with. Sure, I've seen social anxiety addressed in media throughout my life, but nothing that I felt really captured the full complexities of what I was experiencing in my day-to-day. Plus, I feel like those characters rarely got to be the heroes of the story. So, all that to say, Fell is the hero that I wish I had gotten to have as a kid. Starlight Saga (working title), or Legends of ZahKol, is the story and world that I built around the lessons I've learned in my journey of overcoming my anxiety and RSD. I can't give that to my past self, but my dream is to one day share it with the world- for other people out there like me, to help them and give them hope and let them know how strong they really are for fighting day in and day out. That these parts of yourself don't mean you're broken or damaged or wrong- these are tied to the most resilient, most beautiful parts of who you are.

[cerosin-bis]

Hello Cerosin :]

I have several questions, if I may.

1. How are you?

2. Has Nikto always been bad at taking care of himself or is that a result of the torture?

3. how does Krueger handle rejection, if he's interested in someone?

4. In your fic "Anger Management" (btw I love both your arts and writings!) Nikto hugged Krueger tight, before Krueger fucked him. It says "it's conflicting for Nikto" what does that mean? Would Nikto like to have a normal relationship with someone? Like, does he want/need a certain tenderness but knows Krueger probably isn't able to show it?

Thank you for your time and all your great works for this ship! It literally wouldn't exist without you and I mean it in a good way!

Have a good one and be safe :]c

Hi hello! 1. I'm doing mostly fine! Thank you for asking 🥺 I hope you're well, anon!

2. I think Nikto never really practiced "self-care" due to both his education (or lack thereof...) and his personality. However it's noticeably worse since his torture and the development of his mental illnesses/conditions because he now barely even thinks of basic human needs.

3. Good question. I think he'd be very frustrated because it's RARE, but be able to move on very quickly. Orrrr he would try extra hard (which ultimately does succeed but at very high costs with dire consequences. this would have happened with Nikto, but didn't need to because these two were doused in gasoline to begin with imo.)

4th answer regarding Nikto, Krueger and intimacy under the cut bc this got long.

(And thank you so much. I don't want to be presumptous as to say I ~invented~ the ship because there were like 3 fics when I posted Remanence already, but feeling like I was able to set its foundations in art and then consistently over the past years is unbelievable when I see where it is today.)

4. Thank you so much for letting me know you like both my art and my fics!! I feel like I never say it enough, I'm incredibly grateful people are reading all the shit I put out, let alone let me know they liked it. 😭

So, in my headcanon, Nikto craves intimacy in very very short and specific "windows", but he has a conflicted relationship with it as a concept.

Krueger can display tenderness/intimacy without a second thought if he knows it's needed by the context (and this is one), but his affectivity is abnormally... dulled? if I may say. Krueger's emotions are genuine... but extremely dampened. So it suits Nikto, because it's "as if" there were no feelings (there are. but it's beyond gestures, it's whatever they have. the codependency and violent devotion, the wordless communication... Tenderness is a rare occurrence in this whole frame - an occurrence that Nikto likes, but would rather not acknowledge, if this makes any sense.

In my headcanon, again, Nikto wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship with anyone. Normalcy repels and scares him, and even if it wasn't the case... Without extensive therapy, which he will likely never want to get, he has too many issues regarding emotions, attachment, jealousy and violence. (I want to stress this again, this is just my specific and personal hc of the character)

[annasellheim]

I have been working on a book for the last three years. It was going to be published by two separate publishers that have since gone out of business. I was told it was too "weird" for any other publisher to be picked up, but was a story worth sharing. I was told to Kickstart it, but that would take more refining, and I'm fucking sick of this book.

So I'll be posting the whole thing on here in piecemeal. YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!

Here's the pitch letter:

Brittle by Anna Sellheim 159 pages Black and white

Logline:

After a lifetime of trying to ignore physical pain and emotional trauma by avoiding human connection, Anna takes a chance on her first romantic relationship at the age of 29. Will therapy and her love of art help her make meaningful and lasting relationships?

Synopsis:

Anna is an artist who desperately craves connection and seeks validation. However, early childhood trauma and an isolating bone disease have led to a lifetime of anger, depression, an eating disorder, and an overwhelming fear of rejection. When Anna takes a chance on her first romantic relationship at the age of 29, she goes to therapy to make sure she doesn’t blow it. Will therapy and her practice as an artist help Anna make the connections she has wanted her whole life?

Audience

The audience for this book would be those interested in graphic memoir, graphic medicine, exploring childhood trauma, chronic pain, people with uncommon genetic diseases, disability narratives, and those interested in whether connecting to your inner child is actually helpful. This book would also appeal to fans of Tessa Brunton’s Notes From A Sickbed, Lynda Barry’s 100 Demons, and Keiler Roberts’ Miseryland.

Bio

Anna Sellheim is originally from Washington DC. She earned her MFA in comics from the Center For Cartoon Studies in 2016. She has been published by the Nib, Oni Press and Seven Days. She also has contributed to a number of anthologies, most notably Dirty Diamonds and Comics For Choice. She has taught adult literacy in DC and has taught art and comic classes throughout the DMV Area and New England. She now works at the Refugee Youth Program, where she teaches art and comics to refugee youths ages 5-21 throughout Baltimore. Her work primarily deals with mental health, trauma, and the healing power of art.

[littleststarfighter]

As someone who has Major Depressive Disorder, it's super hard sometimes. I get that. But recognizing that is just step one. The next step is to get help, however that looks for you. And please take these next words as intended (tough love) but your art style clearly works well for the Steddie fandom. To the point where you would have no problem turning it into a side hustle or even full job. But it's not the fandom's fault that you didn't hold onto a good thing. It's not the MCR fandom's fault that they seem to not be the biggest fan of your art style. You know your depression is a problem and it's preventing you from opportunities. So now doing something about it.

I'm going through Perimenopause and it's been a year since my mum passed so I'm all over the place mentally and my moods got very low recently. I hate that I let it get to me online. I'm on meds for depression and in grief therapy. Though I'm trying to look into more help for peri because it's awful.

I deserve the tough love. I didn't mean to stop drawing Steddie, because I still love it. I just felt pressured. When you have people laying into your art and picking it apart it really gets to you. You can't force yourself. Or I can't. I'm a person who draws what my heart wants and it's been MCR recently because it's felt safer. I've been trying to balance Steddie and Frerard. But finding out people in discord were zooming in, looking for mistakes in my art and calling me a tracer, the balance tipped too much I know. That's not to say I've not got plenty of Steddie left in me. I do. I had a poll recently on Patreon for it and got a tie, I'm planning to draw for both winners. 

It's just been hard feeling positive when I'm going through a very rough time offline which sadly I brought to fandom and I shouldn't have and I'm really sorry. I do regret not drawing Steddie full time like some, but I'd never make a living out of that. When I talk about not making it I'm talking about full time work. I've been applying for art agencies and creative jobs and getting rejected every time. I just wanted my art to be something I can work with because it's the one thing I'm okay at. The only thing that makes me feel I'm worth something.

I’m really sorry for getting down all over my tumblr. I'll try to keep positive. I just wanted somewhere to vent. I’ve deleted my posts and I'll just get back to drawing and trying to be supportive to artists, writers ect and not bring things online again.

[shirekai]

Fan art GI x PJ Part 1

Since I have free time, a love for Percy Jackson, a nascent obsession with Genshin Impact (to the point that I spoiled the entire story and I'm barely in Liyue, finishing Act I, so I'm sorry if it's inaccurate with canon) and a very crazy head that won't leave me alone until I get this out of my head, here is my fanart combining GI x PJ.

Starting to present the characters and the lore that I invented, there is Dionysus, who would be Venti with some changes. Before Dionysus, there was Hermes as the first anemo archon (I couldn't leave out my middle child) Dionysus got the position just a few years after Hermes, who died in the war against Khaenri'ah by orders of Celestia (which here would be Kronos), Dionysus never got to meet Hermes, but he did learn his stories from the winds as soon as he became archon Also Dionysus being the god of madness, I definitely see him as someone who would encourage Monstadt to live as freely and happily as possible, and he is also the reason why Monstadt's parties and festivals are so legendary throughout Teyvat.

On the other hand, the next archon is Apollo, geo archon for several, several reasons... (I blame every post on ao3 and Tumblr by @apollosgiftofprophecy and @tsarinatorment, they put a love for Apollo and mythology in me that I appreciate, except here because I thought more about Apollo than mythology half of the characters XD)

First Apollo has some control with Zeus regarding law and order, god of civilization, and is in some way seen as the protector of tombs and cemeteries, it is wonderful that Zhongli (archon Geo in Genshin Impact) works in a funeral home, is related to the law as the god of contracts and has watched over Liyue and its inhabitants, having great influence on its people and how it grew as a civilization In addition to that he also has some influence on sailors and ships, as the patron of sailors, so Liyue being a port city, well discarded and taken Apollo was Zhongli's turn As also the god of knowledge.

I love being a rat so he is the only living archon in this UA who went through the war of the archons, Khaenri'ah and until today, who would take the role of Guizhong would be Jacinto naturally (dead, shipped with Zhongli / Apollo) and who would take the role of Xiao would be Nico di Angelo (dwarf, traumatized... is perfect) plus I can keep the dynamic of Dionysus as Nico's therapist (something that is a little different from canon, Xiao does not receive therapy from Venti, but rather he purifies him) but that would remain as a separate thing from their relationship Also, as an extra Zhongli reviews the future of Liyue to bring a guide on how to prosper (Apollo and his mastery of prophecy), for certain reasons (Artemis) is that he would decide to retire as archon and continue working at the funeral home discreetly with Nico, occasionally hanging out at the orphanage with the children.

Respect to Artemis I will talk about her in her fanart, and her relationship with Apollo along with what happened here

Nico on his side has been with Apollo since the war of the archons, as his right hand (previously he had other companions, similar to the adeptus who serve Rex Lápiz) the most notable is Commodus, who went crazy killing corrupt gods, beings of the abyss and the cherry on top was Apollo's rejection for his feelings, still hurt by the death of Hyacinth (with whom unlike Guizhong, he would be god of flowers) but they would have spent almost as much time as Zhongli and Guizhong together (close to 1000 years if I'm not mistaken, I appreciate the corrections) so he would continue fighting with a broken heart.

(PS: I also thought of Branchus as Guizhong but, Guizhong fell in the war, Hyacinth did not die a peaceful death then... well, tragedy with tragedy).

Continuing with Nico, he would be mourning for his companions but with Apollo they decided to take it easy, and he was in Apollo's retirement plan (who says that with stone and an archon's influence you can't make a fake corpse?) and he has been improving with the mourning and trauma of the war with the help of Dionysus and the passage of time.

Lastly Meg, because she is the strongest daughter of Demeter she couldn't just be left as an extra, no, no, no.

I understand than Neuvillette is the hydro dragon reborn as her own offspring, here Meg would be the remains of the essence of Demeter, discovered by Artemis who thought she was a child of an endangered species and raised her, when what happened with Artemis happened (the same as with Rukkhadevata, but whoever reads this and is part of the PJO fandom will not know) Apollo took her under his custody with Nico and now she works with them, apart from living with them, in the funeral home .

Speaking of the designs, I tried to make the clothes as faithful as I could, Apollo with Liyue clothes, some Greek and Sumeru for his sister (the moon earring that he has is Artemis's), with white eye shadow (also for his sister that I designed with white locks), a book, a random kid from the orphanage with long hair in a braid (courtesy of Meg who wanted to practice and Nico doesn't let him).

Nico with long hair (because he lived with Apollo for so long he started to like to wear his hair a bit long, also in reference to ancient China and the custom of not cutting his hair), his usual dark circles and his hidden vision on his back.

Meg with a Sumeru bird (coincidentally called Peaches) somewhat more Sumerian clothes and a spear, she is trying to learn to fight with other weapons apart from her classic twin swords.

And Dionysus with a good bottle of Dandelion Wine, classic from Monstadt, and more Monstadt clothes too.

[crmsnmth]

Hello

Version 5.5

Introductions Are stupid.

Hey. How goes it?

I'm 36. Caucasian male. Goth-punk. I live in a small-town of 2000 people right in the center of the drunken state of Wisconsin. It is not even close to as fun as that sounds, and it doesn't sound all that fun to begin with. For work, I am a kitchen manager at one place and a line cook at another. I work seven days a week, because I've really got nothing better to do. Forces me out of the house. Makes me be social. And I actually really like what I do. I've been working in the industry for twenty odd years.

I listen to all music, and I'm not just saying that. I actually do. You can go through my main playlist, and you'll find everything from Slayer to Britney Spears to Alan Jackson to The Casualties to Katy Perry etc.… My favorite band of all time is the Descendents. But standing tall in second place is Amigo the Devil and Frank Turner rounding out my top 3. But you should tell me your favorites song, or one that means something to you, I need new music to memorize.

I'm mentally screwed and quite medicated. I have come to peace with this fact. I've been as stable as I can get for a good four years now. So that's neat. I am a raging cynic. I am a recovering addict, long-term. 8 Years. I am sober a little over two. I am a major cinephile, especially when it comes to the glory of the 80's slasher movie. I absolutely adore weird movies. The last film I watched that I really liked was Kinds of Kindness. I thought it was brilliant. My favorite movie of all time is Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece "The Room." I mean that 100%. That movie is the best thing to ever be put on film and I will fight and die upon this hill. I write more than any sane and healthy person should write, but I'm far from sane and I'm far from healthy. I post at least once a day, but sometimes I can post over ten. My notes app on my phone is scary looking.

I do not write for anyone's actual approval. Not even my own really. I do this because it's the only addiction I have that isn't actively trying to kill me and is actually trying to better me as a person and get in touch with unresolved feelings and places that will never have closure.

I will always love constructive criticism. But please, for the love of all the love in the world, don't just tell me I suck. I get that. It's a massive part of my whole gig. Please, give me a reason why I suck, what I'm doing wrong in your eyes. Help me to better this craft I play with. Seriously, I love it. But if you can't give me a reason, maybe it's best you keep that food-hole shut, and stop trying to be a dick, dick.

So since, I write some much, what topics to a tap dance to the grave with? I'm pretty predictable. So, this stuff: The Girl with the Ocean Blue Eyes, Kid, The Broken Mirror Girl, My Junkie Angel, The Girl from California, The Best Friend, The Drunk*, love, lost lovers, hopelessness, isolation, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, forgotten acquaintances, mental illnesses, rage, hate, rejection, joy, insignificant moments, slices of life, laughter, beauty, self and self-reflection, self-hate, art, other writers, panic, infatuations, obsession, therapy, group homes, rehab, jail, grace, nature, loss, hope, fear, grief, anguish, philosophy, anarchism, nihilism, religion, god, the devil, ugliness, politics, serial killers, cults, suicide, death, destruction, chaos, music, validation, closure, memory, enemies, friends, rock bottom, sex, violence, rock and roll, sin, self-exploration, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, pain, self-destruction much more.

Consider this little spot your trigger warning.

I make music as well as the writing gig. Go tell me I suck at it.

I know about the typos. I am very aware. You don't need to tell me, because I'm probably not going to fix them anyway. Besides, you can figure it out.

There's bare bones about me and what I'm about and where I stand. If there is anything else you'd want to know for some godforsaken reason, go ahead and message me. I may not be real good at it, I do enjoy having fifteen second conversations.

*NOT REAL NAMES

[dbmars]

I posted a new fic! Don't worry, it's only 2.7k. You don't have to make as big a commitment as Hannibal wants to make with Will... that they spend the rest of their lives together.

This prompt came from Alisha, one of our Patreon patrons for The Feast Is Life podcast. If you'd like to wield the power of my pen (or my typing fingers) you can do so for just 5$ a month:

Something Blue

Will knows.

He has to know. 

I’ve ordered the fires extinguished in his brain. As I picked up the phone to tell Dr. Sutcliffe I’d changed my mind, I knew I was setting events into motion that could end with my death or lifelong imprisonment. I also understood that taking such a risk was imperative, as it may be the key to the greatest happiness I’ve ever known. The one certainty I clung to as I foiled my own plans was that Will would know me. See me. What he would decide to do with that knowledge is impossible to predict. 

But now, sitting in Jack’s office, I can’t be sure he’s received my messages. Understood the scope of my declaration.

I supervised his care during his recovery from encephalitis, driving him to his appointments when it wasn’t safe for him to be behind the wheel, picking up prescriptions and groceries. Cooked him proper meals, meant to nourish and calm the inflammation as well as delight the senses. I fed his dogs, paid to have his lawn serviced and the house cleaned and the hounds groomed. 

It was in his nature, of course, to refuse help. Will’s father raised him to reject charitable offerings out of pride. Pride, also, insists he must be self-sufficient; alone and lonely so long, he wears fierce independence like armor. But I am nothing if not patient and persistent, and he submitted long before I thought he would. 

His desire to be taken care of crumbled that pride like a faulty dam springing leaks before its catastrophic collapse. I’d like to think I had something to do with it. Not only care, but care from me . 

Once Will recovered from his immune system's misguided attack, we resumed our therapy and our friendship. Both flourished, a well-tended garden, roots deep in the soil and blossoms unfurling in the sun. We discussed killing the way others might discuss art, poetry, music. He invited me to fish with him and cook the catch after. I invited him to dinner. It’s become our routine to linger in my office for hours after his session is supposed to have ended, drinking wine by the fire. He let me sketch him once, his face in profile, illuminated by the flames.

One night, three months ago, he put his hand over mine on the arm of my chair. Gave it a tender squeeze. 

And that is when I decided to reveal myself to him, come what may, though the gesture of affection has not been repeated since.

[seeminglydark]

Forgive me if this is weird to say, but as someone who really struggles to get attached to his own ocs out if fear of seeming cringe (and trying really hard to break out of thar) I really admire how much you unabashedly love your characters and how much it shows in your art

hahaha its not weird to say at all, I actually also struggle with this. I get a lot of self embarrassment and feel cringe about the fact that i draw the same things all the time, i dunno if that helps to hear. Sometimes I even refrain from posting things for a few days, or i wont post them in places like patreon or my patreon server or something cuz i have this fear of 'Oh Not Again.'

I think what helps me is remembering that first and foremost, I created my ocs for ME. I draw them for me. everything I do, its for me, coping mechanisms, self therapy, working through issues, or just for fun and aesthetic. They are extensions of me, and loving them is basically learning to love me. I put the care i should have been giving myself all this time into them, and it weirdly helps with my own self love journey, cuz honestly I feel pretty cringe most of the time and like i dont belong in most spaces. My ocs ease that, its a way of putting my heart and thoughts on paper so to speak.

These days i tell myself if people get bored, or dont want to see characters, or think im cringey, they have the freedom to unfollow. The internet is a vast place. When people are jerks about it, which I'll be honest, has happened WAY less than my brain tells me it will, i ignore and move on. No one has to be here. Has it happened? Yeah once or twice maybe, but compared to the positive messages I get its really rare. it's more that i think the rejection hurts us more when we hear it, I combat this by keeping a document where I've copy pasted all the comments/tags/dms that made me feel good, that way i can read through it and remind myself most people that are here love what i do. i like to think thats why people followed me.

And you know what, its so hard to separate ourselves from what people think of us, so remember the good things, cuz its incredibly rewarding that theres people who DO wanna be here. That love them maybe just as much as me. That feeling is WAY Bigger than the cringe feeling. The fact that i CAN be obsessive and cringe and people are on this ride with me? Holy Shit like I cant even describe how good that feels.

Create first and foremost for you. Thats the win, right there. And if it so happens others want to walk that road with you, well you've already won by creating so thats just a really cool bonus. Remember the kind interactions you have with people.They mean so much more than the negative ones. Love your ocs cuz they are a part of you in some kinda way and you deserve that love and care too.

-RJ

[orangejuicex3-mieoi]

do u know what happened to Skylars art accounts ? It’s probs weird to ask but I know u guys were friends and I used to really love her art but can’t find her socials

skylar and me are still friends! I still text her everyday HAHA she just deleted all her social media and doesn't draw much anymore! She's actually working to become a dentist now and only draws maybe once every few months? She's pretty anti social media now and plans to eventually have a dumb phone (like a very minimal flip phone or something) so im not sure if she will ever have an art social media again. I'll ask her if she wants to say anything in response and if she does later, I'll add it to this post with an edit!

Here is skylars response:

"I don’t have any social media anymore, whether for myself or my art. I honestly don’t draw much at all anymore. At the time I had my accounts, I was very ill and agoraphobic. I used my hobbies as a distraction from working on myself, and so I spent the entire day drawing, or playing video games, or doing some loser shit. I started drawing less once I started trying to be better. Got my GED, my license, a job. I’m in school now. Got accepted into my program of choice and I’m in therapy. It takes a long time to be properly diagnosed, but it seems like we’re working toward diagnosing me with c-PTSD lol, so yeah, that’s kinda fucking my life up. There is a part of me that misses drawing. I think about it a lot. I think about making an account and trying to indulge in it. But, honestly, I fear it, along with any hobby I used to have from that time. I hope that when I’m really, truly healthy I’ll be able to revisit it and engage with it and grow with it again. Right now, I kind of reject my love for it. I don’t really trust myself with, uh, joy? I get really addicted and obsessed with my escapism, and I’m trying not to lol. If I were to annoyingly quote a song at you: “I’ve been much better, but atleast I’m healing.” I’ll send Brandi some of my more recent drawings to add, but there’s nothing impressive or finished among them. Thank you for asking about me. That’s very sweet. I never had nearly as many followers as Brandi did/does (nor did I deserve them), so it’s funny to me that someone is still thinking about me. Sorry for my verbosity. I’m a sick woman."

and I'll attach some of her recent drawings in a sec! :) I had to crop them so tumblr doesnt flag LMAO this is mari skylars main oc rn!

I also did some style exploration of her oc a few months ago for fun since skylar's been playing with her head shape!

[mooestriovermind]

Pinned Post

Color Key: (Read first, very important)

most important information

important information

please read

positive information

negative information

#tag

et cetera descriptive or ancillary text

Anons and DMs are always open! If you do want to directly message me, I highly recommend adding me on

my discord: mindgirl

I may occasionally edit this pinned post with new / remembered information to better express myself.

Beginning of bio for short attention span havers:

Names: Amaranth / Amy (please ask before using Amy)

My age, as of my birthday in 2023: 23 years old

My preferred pronouns: she/they/it

My preferred honorifics: Ma'am, Miss - Ask before using any others

Sexuality/Romance/Etc: Demisexual/Asexual, Panromantic, Poly

Likes, in no particular order:

TTRPGs, TCGs, Video Games, Writing, Art, Music, Theatre, Movies, TV Shows, Animation, Cooking / Baking, Computer Science, Psychology, Hypnosis, Learning, All forms of life, Defiance in the face of injustice, Kindness, Empathy, Therapy, Anything that pisses off my mother, Webcomics (yes including that one), Generally pretty much every form of telling stories available to me

TTRPGs that I play / have played or at least read some:

DnD 5e, Pathfinder 2e, Masks, Dungeon World, Thirsty Sword Lesbians

Favorite Foods/Drinks, in no particular order:

Takis, Raspberries, Blackberries, Crispy ginger beef, Broccoli with cheese, shrimp fried rice, Monkey bread, Catfish, Homemade kombucha, Dr. Pepper, Water, Sourdough bread

I will probably immediately like you in some capacity if you meet one of the following criterion:

Goth, Punk, current or former "Scene" girl, Woman (bonus points if your hair is short), Witch/etc, GNC, Using "She/Her, They/Them, She/They, or Fae/Faer" pronouns, Nice to me

Disclaimer:

I hold the stance that to believe every single cishet man to be a chaser or bigoted is bigoted in itself, so don't discount yourself if you are both a cisgender man and only into women, you still have a chance, even if I may be biased against you.

Dislikes, in no particular order:

Purposeful lack of empathy, Executive tasks, Purposeful ghosting, The USA, Law enforcement, Any form of purposeful bigotry, Gatekeeping, Calling anything/anyone "cringy," Myself, "cancelling" someone/something without significant evidence and reason to do so, deciding that something/someone is unequivocally good or bad, rejecting the idea that people change, Logical fallacies, the word "Lazy," Conflict, Rejection, Purposeful lack of honesty (especially in a relationship), excessive vegetables/greens, cucumbers, tomatoes, excessive onions, non-crunchy asparagus.

I'm just here looking for friends that enjoy similar things to what I also like to partake in, be they horny or not.

- - - - - - - -

Frequently used tags and what they mean:

#hypnosis, #cw hypnosis, #hypnok1nk

typically used as a trio when tagging hypnosis themed art, or any mention of hypnosis in an ask response or any post in general

#thoughts on the brain

always used for posts that are just rambles, or off topic

#my voice

will always be attached to posts that feature my voice in an audible format, whether directly attached or on the audio hosting website that I typically use

#my art, #digital art

Art that I have created. Will usually include #digital art, as pretty much all art that I make is in Clip Studio Paint

#ask response

A response to an ask. Exactly what you think it means.

#brainwashing

Explicit mention of some form of conditioning, classical or operant, usually paired with #hypnosis, #cw hypnosis, and #hypnok1nk.

#maestri sub tag

Woag me? A bottom? Surprising right? Wrong. This tag is for all of my posts (after a certain point where I started using the tag, I'm not going to find all my older subby posts and tag them) in which I am being a complete and utter subby little bottom. Please don't make fun of me too much.

- - - - - - - -

If you read all of my pinned post, congratulations! I will probably like you a lot more because you are emotionally invested in me and learning as much as you can about me.

:>

[mikuni14]

Love For Love's Sake - Ep 7-8

Korea delivered again.

I watched these episodes a few hours ago, but I'm only writing something now because I have so many thoughts in my head. I don't know what to write anyway, my thoughts and feelings are a mess. I don't even know if I understood everything correctly. But it doesn't matter because I vibe with this series so hard 🥳 I cried through both episodes, and I spent the end of the finale in an incredible euphoria, as if I was high. This series is pure art because it can reach the depths of your heart, make you feel the story told deeply, and finally experience catharsis. And what's important - all your feelings turn out to be important, each of them meant something, none of them were wasted (which sadly happens to me often in BL series, especially lately, like, why do I get so invested, when in the end it turns out that it was for nothing..).

I was genuinely curious how the series would overcome the fact that it is a game and in the end I rate the result and execution as 10/10 for innovation and professionalism in breaking my heart. Also a special award for creating the character of a "god", who, like all gods, is a dick who enjoys tormenting ordinary people and putting them through some werid, difficult, harsh trials to make them "better" (why is it never a form of a gentle therapy, only kick in the balls and "learn from it" lol)

Myung Ha went through hell in this life, after going through hell ending with suicide in his previous life, becoming some kind of mythical, biblical figure in his suffering. This is a trope that I have never liked or accepted (growth through suffering), but I accept it here because of a) a very good execution that really moved me b) a happy ending 🙂 I won't analyze Myung Ha more because others will do it definitely a lot better. I just want to write how much I love this lonely, broken, kind man. How much I felt sorry for him when he did everything for Yeo Woon and nothing worked and he despaired because he didn't understand what he was doing wrong. Because, keeping your problems and fears a secret from your loved one, keeping him at a distance to protect him, making noble sacrifices, never asking for help, is an expression of love, right? RIGHT? Oh my poor summer child, and my poor heart 💔💔

I love Yeo Woon for how honest he is with his feelings. When he is happy - he talks about it, when he is unhappy - he also talks about it. I love how he says precisely what he likes and doesn't like. How he sets boundaries - even if he crumbles in the end, panicking when he might actually lose Myung Ha. Yeo Woon has his own demons, his own problems, his own fears of being alone and being abandoned. But I really like how hard he tries and how much he wants their relationship to be equal and how he NOTICES THAT IT'S NOT. I liked it so much that he didn't ignore what Myung Ha was doing after he collapsed. That he confronted him because he had spent the whole day looking for him, only to find out that he was sick and in the care of someone else, and his "rival" at that. How else could Yeo Woon feel other than hurt, rejected, jealous and not worthy of being Myung Ha's carer?

There were so many scenes in these episodes and each deserves a separate analysis, a separate post, but I don't even know where to start, I have so many thoughts in my head! What a series, WHAT A SERIES.

Hmm, what could be easier to write? For example, how many tropes were used in this show, like the hand-holding, dragging by hand, running through the city and on the beach to your crush, sexy drinking from a water bottle, going to the beach with friends together at the end 💯

Final kisses: what can I say, it must have taken a lot of practice kissing, right Yeo Woon? 🤭 Korea often does this thing where the first kiss is stiff and in the next kiss the guys go to town lol

Sang Won deserves a special mention, he's just a great character. And the actor playing him is incredibly hot.

Each of these boys was 10/10, the series is 10/10. The series perfectly balanced comedy and tragedy, a beautiful and romantic love story with difficult and heavy elements, also feelings of joy and sadness in the viewers (at least in me). I love this series because the main couple was always present, their love was constantly visible, they still had lovely scenes together even when everything around them was falling apart. The series did something amazing when the surprising plot twist in the form of what actually happened to Myung Ha DID NOT DOMINATE the finale. That it became its important, but not the most important element, and the finale itself brought only smiles and joy. I didn't expect that a BL series could again make me feel things as The Eight Sense did, but here we are 💖

I plan to rewatch the entire series again. And I'm very saddened by the choice of distribution method of this series, if it were aired every week, it would probably have the same popularity as The Eighth Sense - but now, after a week, it's over...

[viridiave]

WHAT YOUR FAVORITE OCTOPATH TRAVELER 2 SHIP SAYS ABOUT YOU

this is just for fun! I feel the need to reiterate that for this list too! Ship whatever you like ya'll!

POST-CHAPTER 1 SPOILERS ABOUND (up to the final chapters, but only like some of them (Hikari 5, Throne 4, Agnea 5, Partitio 4))

Hikari x Agnea

- you saw the art for Crossed Paths and committed to it

Hikari x Partitio

- you're into himbos who can sling twinks over their shouler. i don't blame ya.

Hikari x Ritsu

- shonen made you wonder why pinning your enemies to the ground is gay as all hell

Hikari x Castti

- your morbid curiosity has drawn you to the potential of the two characters of 'something's not right'

Agnea x Partitio

- you have a thing for sunshine characters who can make you go blind

Agnea x Gus

- you're a believer in childhood friends being endgame

Agnea x Giselle

- there's just something gay about being alone on a small island together and using your central ethos to inspire okay

Agnea x Dolcinaea

- you believe that Dolcinaea and Agnea have the innate power to turn everyone they meet into a raging bisexual

Agnea x Ochette

- same joke as Agnea x Partitio, but with permanent cat ears

Dolcinaea x Veronica

- you have a thing for muscled women. honestly i can't blame ya.

- you've seen Agnea's Chapter 5, and wonder how much ball it took to put that in there

Castti x Throné

- you were/are an avid Alfion shipper, and are very pleased about their path actions

Castti x Osvald

- you have a thing for Team Mom x Team Dad tropes

Castti x Rosa

- Winterbloom hurt more than just your feelings

Throné x Partitio

- you took shopping buddies as an invitation for something

Throné x Agnea

- you just want good things for Throné, and honestly who doesn't

Throné x Temenos

- same joke as Hikari x Agnea but with a significant increase in crime

Throné x Pirro

- you cried when you stabbed Pirro.

- you have not yet reached Lostseed, or have - and are still wondering what the actual fuck just happened

Osvald x Harvey

- you think the fire in Osvald's breast is a euphemism for something other than revenge

Osvald x Rita

- you cried at Conning Creek. then again at Montwise.

Osvald x Temenos

- you know what holy water is made of, and seek to defile it

Osvald x Partitio

- same joke as Hikari x Agnea but Partitio can afford therapy

Osvald x Emerald

- you really think Osvald should have mourned a little more

Temenos x Crick

- you played Temenos's Chapter 1. that's it that's the joke.

- you have either not reached Stormhail, or have - and reject that reality

Temenos x Cubaryi

- you love women who can kick your ass

Castti x Malaya

- you have a thing for mindfuckery

- you have either not reached the Abandoned Village, or have - and reject that reality

Partitio x Alrond

- you think Partitio should have taken off his shirt

- dw buddy Dancer subclass has got your back

Papp x Roque

- you think Partitio's Chapter 1 was a divorce that literally almost starved a town to death