#possibly mining too but im not sure. id have to try it

[catgirlstalin]

tbh i didnt expect the job poll to get so many votes and comments but its been very interesting so far. im taking notes for the types of reeducation camps we will need to fix some of you

[broke-on-books]

😍😍😍

[mystiffox]

— the apple's falling from the tree

from Cross: The Star Sans by @overflowofcrows

star!cross makes me incredibly ill with the tragic found family vibes ... (lays on the floor)

also song inspo was Driver's Seat by Madds Buckley

also have some doodles too (slight spoilers on the fic's lore below! to explain some of my thoughts on clothes n stuff)

does Cross have a star necklace in the fic? no, probably not. did i show off about my thoughts on a star necklace to Simple anyway? yes, yes i did. anyway idc where u think the necklace is from (whether its a gift from dream or a remold of his broken heart necklace, who knows atp) now ONTO THE GANG (+ Error and Fresh)

to preface this: im mostly assuming for most of the lore beyond the crumbs given to me. so, i'd imagine that when the fight ended with the gang losing, Dream and Ink immediately jailed them up. they both seem keen on keeping the gang alive, so they probably would've tried to help them with anything to make sure of it- that is, if any of the gang would even accept it in the first place.

i'm making a small guess that if there were any wounds, they used what they had to take care of it, aka ripping out parts of their own clothing to use as makeshift bandages. dream might've gave them some supplies (out of pity.. or something) but whether that was not enough or not used, i won't know

even if it was enough, there's still the factor of inevitable outburst/breakdowns from any of the prisoners. i'd imagine it'd be so hard to calm any of them down because the gang were too used to being close together that using touch became the usual grounding method— so putting a barrier between them makes it infintely harder for everyone.

i think Nightmare doesn't use his jacket anymore. it probably feels like shit/too itchy and ragged to wear and reminds him of a past he wishes he could forget. (he must feel so helpless seeing all his boys suffer after taking care of them for so long... like a lost father trying his best and seeing how much he's failing at the same time.. man.)

Dust is almost always wrapped in a blanket, the hoodie completely zipped up as if he was trying to hide in it, keeping himself as small as possible (knowing his own breakdowns are the biggest And loudest)

Horror is probably yanked back to the memories of when he was back in his home au, quietly starving and losing all the progress he had with the gang.. trying to press himself against the barriers in hopes that maybe he can feel the others on the other side of it.. (one of his outbursts would be why he ripped off the sleeves of his jacket id assume)

Killer too.. unable to get to anyone and just. with his soul going haywire sometimes, having no available output that he's forced to ride it out on his own And in front of everyone.. yeah, you get the gist for those three

Error's a mess of threads- picks at his clothes and sews em back up, just to have a reason to move his hands. he's not too worried i'd say- it's a little reminiscent of the antivoid, and he's experienced insanity already (not to say it doesn't tug at his own soul-strings to see it happen to everyone else)

Fresh might be the "cleanest" out of everyone, with barely any visible tears, but i have a good feeling his body language is different. maybe the cap is now worn correctly. maybe he took off his jacket. he's tense. his guard is up. because a parasite would never want to be locked up in one place, right?

god.

God.

they make me so sick (message is mine btw)

[softxsuki]

hi!! id like to make an urgent request please :)

tw !! mention of self harm / new sh wounds , mention of a blade

if you’re alright with it, id like to request a (romantic) hawks x gn!reader where hawks walks in on reader relapsing.

ive recently grown more and more stressed and tired lately, like my energy is constantly being drained and no matter how hard i try im not enough to stop it. and i wanna reach out for help cause i know i have friends who care about me but i just cant for some reason—i dont feel the need to ask for help cause i just dont think i deserve it. no matter how many times ill comfort others i was never strong enough to ask for the same comfort, and instead of going to someone and talking about it i turn to my blade.

hawks is a big comfort character of mine and my current hyperfix, and as embarassing as it is—reading comfort fanfics of him is a way of coping with it all. so id gladly appreciate if you could write this for me :) ++ if possible, id love if youd be able to include hawks cleaning reader’s cuts, cleaning them bringd me a sense of comfort and id love to see that in the fic.

but if you’re uncomfy about anything at all, no worries ! you dont have to write this if you dont wanna :) have a lovely day<3

Hawks Comforting Reader After They Self-Harm

please do not read if any kind of mentions of self-harm will do you more harm than good!

Pairing: Hawks x Gn!reader

Warnings: mentions of self harm, blade, blood, scars

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Drabble

Word Count: 750

Summary: In which your BF Hawks catches you self harming and cleans up your fresh cuts

[A/N: Hey hey, so sorry for taking so long to write this, I know it was urgent. I just happened to get sick randomly and couldn't focus to write. But I finally got this done for you! I hope you're still around to read it </3. Hopefully it provides you with some comfort. Always go to others for help before taking matters into your own hands. Even if you feel like you can't, I'm sure the people in your life would love to help you out <3 I'm here too if you ever need anything! Enjoy!]

You look back and forth between the bloody mess in front of you to the panicked face of Keigo who had walked in on you. 

He was supposed to be gone for the whole day, patrolling his designated area until later that evening. Who knew he’d stop by to check in on you, hoping to have lunch together before continuing his patrol duties. Yet, coming home to you hovering over the bathroom sink with blood dripping from your delicate skin was not what he expected at all.

Of course he knew about your history with self-harm and could very clearly see all your past scars on your body, but he never expected to see you actively harm yourself in front of him. 

“Y/N…” He starts cautiously, eyeing the blade in your hands as you shake with regret.

“I’m sorry,” you cry, dropping the blade in the sink and moving your bleeding wrists away from his view, but he quickly closes the space between you.

Gentle hands grab your own and inspect the damage done. He rolls up the sleeves of his hero suit and gets to work on cleaning you up. With a clean towel he dabs the blood away, applying slight pressure to help stop the bleeding a little, whispering an apology whenever you flinch from the pain. 

He’s silent; contemplating how he let it get this far. He was a hero for crying out loud and the one person he wanted to keep safe the most out of everyone else in the world, managed to get harmed while he was away. He was angry and frustrated at himself that he couldn’t prevent the fresh cuts on your arms. All those nights he kissed your scars and whispered sweet promises of love and protection were all for nothing. Why couldn’t he be more useful to you?

“Keigo, I didn’t mea-” you start, but he quickly cuts you off as he finishes applying the bandage wrap to your wrist.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I should have known something was off, I should have paid more attention and been around to help instead of being out. I’m sorry.”

He presses kisses to your bandaged wrist, just wishing that he could have the magical healing power that Recovery Girl’s kisses had. He wished he could kiss all your pain away and face it all himself in your stead. 

“No, no, this is all on me. You’re always there for me, telling me how much you love me and trying your best to encourage me and lift me up, but I always hold back,” you confess, snatching your arms away from him in guilt, “You’re so busy as it is saving everyone. I don’t want to add to your burdens with my own problems as well. I thought I could deal with it all alone, but I failed. I turned back to my blade because it was too much to bear on my own.”

He sighs, and this time brings you into his arms in an embrace, “That’s because we’re not meant to go through these things alone, babe. Even as a hero I don’t do things on my own either. I have a whole agency backing me up along with my other fellow heroes. No one can accomplish anything on their own without hurting themselves. So please let me be there for you to help you as much as you’ve helped me.”

Silent sobs escape your lips as he continues to hold you and speak.

“All those days when you held me after I failed to save someone. All those nights you patched me up after a mission and I stubbornly refused to go to a hospital; let me be there for you for all your tough times as well. Let me be the one to gather you up again and listen to all your worries, don’t fight your battles alone anymore. I promise you’re not a bother to me at all. I want to be there for you. It’s my job,” he reassures you. 

“All right,” you sniffle, finally wrapping your own arms around him, accepting his comfort.

He calls the agency afterwards, letting them know that he can’t come in for the rest of the day and instead spends his time with you. Listening intently to everything that’s been bubbling up in your heart, right by your side, wiping your tears away and giving you his unconditional support and love. He’s definitely making sure you don’t deal with things on your own anymore :)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted 3/5/2023

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta for using characters that might be too similar to ex friends for my own writing/art?

background: i had a lot of friendships that ended very badly while i was in an extremely compromised state. for a lot of them it ended with them giving me a very vague wall of text about my behaviour without explicitly telling me what i did wrong, so i feel i cannot apologize in any meaningful way, and i cannot contact them first, so instead tried my best to cut myself down as small as possible so they would never see me again. this still confuses me, and ive entertained the thought they were 'too scared' to tell me what i did wrong beforehand, but if thats the case, i was too, but i was the only one wanting to work things out. that isn't the point of this, though.

with a lot of these people i did something like collaborative worldbuilding. some of these concepts, ocs and oc ships i was very very invested in while i was at rock bottom, sort of coping with them, though the interest never felt reciprocated despite my efforts to stoke it (neither was i told to stop, though). i wrote a lot for some of them, as certain characters had a lot of stylings of archetypes im very fond of and tend to write over and over again (partially cos they remind me a lot of myself, if i can project) regardless of their involvement.

with the rug pulled out from under my feet irt that i didnt really know what to do with my parts from all that (going from thinking about them almost once a day to having to stop myself from ever thinking of it again was. extremely hard) and even thought about trashing the characters i had. after months of deliberating and trying to refocus the characters to be single and building up casts of all my own characters, i ended up liking the chemistry between some of them and the old ocs i almost threw away and decided to work that angle. the more i focused on these new characters (which id created to be a vent pit for the feelings i was trying to sort out irt all this) the more they fit into those archetypes i love, but i tried to lead them away from the ex friends characters.

but i did give one character brain damage, while i was trying to figure out what mine had done to me. ive been coping with it and what it did to me through them, but i remembered one ex friend gave their character brain damage as well. it feels like a sort of stand out trait and im worried if they ever see my shit again they will look at this and the archetype and use this as evidence im trying to steal their character or something. im not sure what is too similar. fwiw when they cut people off before in this sort of situation i know they would make fun of and kill off the other person's characters, so i know they've probably done that to expies of mine (one person liked to joke about doing this to one of my happier characters while we were still talking). for my part all i did was axe theirs from the story entirely.

tldr: i accidentally created characters that have similarities to ex friends' to fill in the holes for characters i didn't want to throw out. if i keep them, will i be an asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[wind-up-thancred]

Hey I saw ur Thancred face mod and wanted to say…thank you so much!!!! And I miss his old face 🥺 do you think it’s possible to ever get it back? I’m tempted to learn modding just to fix up my boy bc they really massacred him ����

hi anon! im glad you like the mod. yeah i dont blame you for missing the old face lol, i took one look at it in textools when the patch dropped and went "wtf did they do to my boy... 😢" i think it depends on what you mean by "getting his old face back":

-if you want to start with the 7.0 base face, you could probably open it up in blender next to his old face and use the sculpt tool to physically sculpt his mesh to be closer to what it used to be, but i think past the lips there isn't too much else on the actual geometry to change— maybe his nose and jawline? but to me it feels like a lot of the change also happened to his normal maps, which are the textures that add extra shading detail and volume to the face. the old textures cant be ported over because the new mesh isn't laid out for them, buuuut im aware of a tool being developed currently in the ffxiv loose texture compiler for automatically transforming the old textures to match the new mesh layout. will that work for thancred's unique face? i'm not sure, but it could be worth a try— im fairly certain his unique sculpt is an edited version of one of the male midlander faces, so once that specific face is supported in the tool, it might work. if not, you can always manually adjust the new normal map while referencing the other one. -if you want to start with the OLD 6.58 base face, i believe there is a blender script going around (i saw it in the textools discord last iirc?) for converting old face sculpts to new ones. this is necessary because the new faces have QUITE a few new bones in them that need to be rigged, or else the face will not animate. from there, you MIGHT have to convert some of the old textures as well, but i'm not 100% sure, i think it depends on how well they work at baseline for 7.0. i know there's still a legacy skin shader in the game for older faces since not all of them have been updated yet, so you might be able to switch it to that so that the old textures still work. if that sounds like A Lot, uh... i dont blame you 😅ive been learning xiv modding for about two years ish now so ive got a lil bit of know-how under my belt, but if you want somewhere good to start, i would recommend joining the textools discord, there are multiple channels there for people to ask questions about how modding works, how to mod specific things, lots of tutorials, etc, and im sure therell be something in there to help you along. buuuuut in the meantime, i HAVE seen two other existing mods so far on XMA that do both of the things i mentioned before: https://www.xivmodarchive.com/modid/109670 this one seems to be a very good version of the first fix, where they went in and sculpted his new 7.0 face to be closer to the old one to a higher extent than i did, with his lips, jaw, and nose tweaked. it doesnt have heterochromia or scruff like mine does but i think you should theoretically be able to do that easily— feel free to send another ask if you want me to explain how i did it on my mod. https://www.xivmodarchive.com/modid/109665 this one, meanwhile, is the second fix— they ported the old face model over the new one. it has stubble and no heterochromia but again, if you want to change either of those, id be happy to explain how i did it. i have not tested either of these myself so i have no clue how well these work in-game but im sure they work fine!! i hope either of those help you out and if not i wish you good luck on your modding journey.... esp learning blender ^^" its a pain in the ass at first but trust me it feels really really good once youve figured stuff out!

[imustbenuts]

How do you handle how low key racist toward Japan a lot of fandom is in favor of shoving only American cultural viewpoints into things? I'm so tired...

hm.... a loaded question. short answer for how i handle this:

I don't.

i just. don't. i don't even try to process what i know for sure is a bad take at all, and i make it a point to curate my online spaces as much as possible.

(or at least, i do on very very rare occasions if i feel arsed enough to hop on my keyboard to smashing out a more educated post about it based on my own understanding. more on this in a bit.)

if i go into a fandom tag and i see rampant nonsense, such as during the 1st two months of fire emblem engage's release or some incredible pumpkin spice latte takes, and i feel like it's just too much bc im getting angry, i just disengage. i might read if i feel like it, but if its too hostile i don't add to the conversation. i leave. i don't pass go bc i have waaaay better things to do than potentially engage in a conversation im already not happy to have.

in some occasions i even block. if i feel like someone is being a dipshit in the posts i make with their tags even, i block.

and i suspect im not the only one. how often do you see asians who reside outside of the west actively partake in fandom discussions? its such a drain of energy when it goes bad. most asians are working faaaaar longer hours than the average westerner in the average office setting. i mean, fuck, man. if i want to have fun, im not coming to a place i know i wont be having much. (ofc we are all having it bad. the point is: limited energy is a big factor for why going against the general set consensus is a bad idea)

i've been dealing with this for the past 10 years. minimum. it has always been like this. it has ever always been like this everywhere.

soooome fandoms are chiller than others for sure. but i dont actively participate in fandoms bc: im tired and my attention hops all over the place.

im ALSO gonna drag proship antis DNI into this ramble bc i believe strongly this culture is an evolution of the old 'your fave is problematic' culture mixed with puritanism culture and i hate it. i hate it bc it gets applied to everywhere, even in a japanese/asian culture space where people in fandoms are generally more "you stay in your lane i stay in mine, we're all freaks, just dont break any laws or be terrible". understand that east asian society in general is collective compared to western's more individualistic one, which reinforces that lane thinking. so all these high moral showing-off is just a big pissing contest to me.

in fact its such a pissing contest i actively refuse to follow people who have DNIs in their profiles. id have more respect for those who can say 'i dont like xyz, its not my cup of tea'. its a normal response, i think.

and im done ranting about my personal feelings :v. some practical advice from my dumb of ass:

a person knows what they know

a person doesnt know what they dont know (ignorance)

a person cannot be taught what they dont want to know (willful ignorance)

a willfully ignorant person is not anyone's job to directly fix. only they can check themselves.

hostility begets more hostility. anger is an addictive emotion. block and move on if someone is consistently being annoying/a pos online, its not worth the mental bandwidth

a person wants to know what they know they don't know (curiosity)

if theres something educational worth sharing that can be communicated in a digestible way, it is sometimes worth it. people like reading, but more importantly, communicating. be that with the OP or their own group.

and also, im not immune to any of the behaviors i dont like above myself. there are also limits in what i know. :v hypocritical of me lmao

[yourlocalviolet]

First of all I love you for writing Johnny ff!! So if its alright I have a request :) The reader, posing as a new recruit for the Last Men, is tasked with infiltrating The Preserve to gather information on the group. They meet Johnny, and the two form an unlikely bond. Johnny begins to question his loyalty to the Last Men, while the reader struggles to balance their mission and newfound interest

(Gif not mine, All credits to original creator!)

Thank you so much, im glad you enjoy it! Also, thank you for the request! im thinking of writing another part to this, so look out for that!

______________________________________________________________

Getting into the Essex Zoo compound was much easier than you thought it would be. When Dolly had first asked you to go undercover, you were skeptical. Hell, you flew airplanes for a living, and even the tasks you had done in the past were nothing compared to what she was asking you to do now. Challenging a group such as the Last Men was a risk, one you weren't sure if you were willing to take at the time. 

You didn't want to imagine what they would do to you if they found out what you were doing.

Pushing that thought out of your head, you continue taking steps through the entrance of the zoo. Now, you were standing in a small area, with plastic coverings around the wall. “Stick your finger out.” the man says to you. As you do so, you take a second to take in his appearance. He’s tall, and dressed in a large orange hazmat suit. The man pauses for a second longer than he should. “Do you have your ID card?” He finally says, and you feel your heart drop down to your toes. “Yes, uh, of course!” You force out, perhaps too quickly. Swiftly, you feel around in the pockets of your green jacket, until your hands hit the cold plastic card. “Here it is,” you say, as he takes the card from your hands. Silently, you pray that he cannot tell that it's a fake. “Huh.” He states, and the tone in his voice makes him seem surprised. “Shit, am I that bad of a liar?” you can't help but think. “Okay. Go on in.” As he says that, you hope that your face doesn't show how surprised you are. Briskly, you take the card back and turn from the man, your heart almost beating out of your chest. 

As you walk out of the plastic coated area, you can't help but silently gawk at how well taken care of the preserve is. From the plants to the people, everything seems like it has a certain place it belongs. However, from what you've heard about the general, you couldn't say you were surprised. People say he is a man with a charismatic personality at first, but truly sadistic tendencies when examined closer. You knew he would do close to anything to ‘save humanity’ or whatever that meant. This included torturing innocent children, so you had a slight feeling you wouldn't get along that worked under him. As much as you would like to stay as far away from the man himself as possible, you knew at some point you needed to be given directions from him. However, General Abbot didn't seem to be anywhere nearby. You cursed yourself for your bad luck as you looked around for someone that you could ask for help. You knew you needed someone who seemed small, and not like a threat. As you are scanning, you spot a young gardener, tending to some plants nearby. “Uh, Hello” you say, attempting to get her attention. “Do you know where I should go to get another chore?” She looks up at you, and you try to seem nervous. “I finished mine already, and I'm new so I don't really know-” she cuts you off before you can ramble on. “Relax, it's fine. All you need to do is go to the tall man standing on the podium. The boss is out right now so he's in charge.” You turn your body to see where shes pointing. “Oh, okay, Thank you” you say, and you begin making your way to where she directed. 

As you walk, you can slowly see the features of the man she pointed to. He was tall, rather skinny with glasses, and seemed fairly nervous himself. It surprised you that he was the one in charge, as you wouldn't have deemed him as a threat in any other situation. “Hi, um, I came to ask for a new task?” you say when you reach one of the ends of the podium, as the man looks down on you. “Oh, okay!” He states, and he seems unsure of what to say. “Well, did the General not give you a list?” You begin to panic. Did the others get lists and you didn't know? Would this blow your cover completely? Or could you possibly play it off to the man that didn't seem to know what he was doing? “Oh, uh, funny story actually..” you mumble out, attempting to come up with anything that would get you out of this situation. “I lost it! I may have thrown it away or something.” You say, and he nods his head at you, seemingly thinking of what to do. Suddenly, he begins moving down the stairs towards you. “Right, uh, okay.” he says, and you begin to think he could see through your lie. As he reaches the ground next to you, his eyes visibly trail down your body. For a second, you are skeptical if he really was that obvious about it.  “Um, how about you, uh…” He pauses, obviously unsure of what to say. “Clean the windows?” he finally says, seemingly more nervous than you. Did he really believe you? Or was it just because he found you attractive? You pause for a second before you respond. “Okay. I hate to ask, but could you show me where to get the supplies?” As bad as you may feel later, you know that if he is charmed by your looks, he would be an easy way to rise in the ranks.

 He seems to fidget more by the second after you respond. “Right, yes, i'll lead the way…” he trails off while walking towards a hallway. “Sooo, what's your name?” You ask, attempting to sound interested in him. “Im Johnny,” He says, turning his head slightly to look at you behind him. “You must be new? Most workers know me by now.” If he hadn't been turned away from you, you're sure his face would be red, just from the way his voice slightly cracked near the end of his sentence.

 However, you couldn't lie to yourself, the man was attractive. Not necessarily in a lustful way, but more of a cute puppy love way. His haircut, an odd mixture of a mullet and a shaggy looking bowl cut framed his face nicely, and his glasses mixed in with it made him seem unthreatening. You are snapped out of your thoughts when he clears his throat and turns to you. “Well, this closet should have everything you need. You can probably just clean the windows in the back, so it shouldn't take you long.” He says, obviously avoiding eye contact. “Great. Thank you.” you tell him, and he begins walking back down the hallway, before he abruptly turns back towards you. “Also, uh, don't be afraid to ask if you need anything. I'm not very busy here so…  y’know.” You're about to thank him again when he seems to remember something. “Have you gotten a room yet? Not that I'm asking in a weird way! I just want to make sure you know where you're going…” He trails off at the end nervously. You smile at him softly, attempting to comfort him. “No, I haven't actually…that would be great, if you could show me after I'm done here.” You softly reply. “Great, yeah, okay” He says softly, more to himself than you. Almost stumbling, he turns around quickly and walks away, obviously happy with himself. And although you know that Johnny himself is working for the same army you're against, you can't help but feel excited knowing you will get the chance to see him again. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Around three hours later, you had finished cleaning the windows. By now, your fingers were pruned and your wrists aching from the continuous motion you were making. All the while, there was one person you couldn't get off your mind. Johnny. The man that had seemed so nervous was infecting your thoughts little by little. You weren't exactly sure why, but as much as you denied it, you couldn't really bring yourself to care. Snapping out of your thoughts of Johnny, you begin to wonder where you should go from here. Would staying here and waiting for him be easier? Or should you go and search for him yourself. Right now, you silently decided that the latter was the better option, and you wouldn't mind getting a better look at the place you would be staying in. As quietly as you can, you begin walking up the large stairwell, making an effort to seem like you knew where you were going. As you turn to the left, you are met by another staircase, and a small kitchen. Behind you seemed to be much more intimidating, as you could see a large chain wire fence linked between the walls. As much as you would have liked to ignore that section of the zoo, you knew that your mission depended on the information behind that fence. However, the real question was was it a better idea to wait until you have more authority? Or would it be better to go quickly now, and get the mission over with? As you were caught in your head, you failed to hear the footsteps on the staircase. “Oh, What are you doing here?” A voice says, bringing you back to reality. For a second, you swear you can feel your heart stop. You don't want to look up at the man, fearful of what soldier may be there to take you away. Forcefully you turn your body towards the man, and relief washes over you. “Oh, Johnny, funny seeing you here.” You say towards the brown haired man. “I was actually just looking for you!” You internally note that his head seems to raise when you said that. “That's great actually, I was just finishing up here and was going to come look for you. Do you, uh, wanna come with me?” He says, seemingly unsure if he's allowed to bring you with. Now, it seems like you have the perfect excuse to explore the places of the reserve you once couldn't. Knowing you shouldn't let your anticipation show however, you try to make your response as relaxed as possible. “Sure! I don't mind at all!” Johnny nods at you, then turns his body towards the kitchen. He then grabs a plate of what seems to be beans, on top of an oven crisped slice of toast. While you couldn't say that it seemed very appetizing, you continued your steps as he walked around the small space.  As you follow him closely to and up the stairs, you are met with what seems to be a small living space. One thing that would be impossible to miss is the woman standing in the middle of the room. She's incredibly pretty, and you wonder what someone like her is doing in an awful place like this. Everyone seems awkwardly quiet until Johnny breaks the silence. “Beans on toast! Yknow, since your british…” He says, as he mocks her accent at the end of her sentence nervously. Neither of you laugh at his joke, the two of you seemingly much more tense than he is. However, he doesn't seem to realize this, or if he does he plays it off well. He sets the plate down on a table, and there seems to be a light bulb going off in his head. “Oh, right, introductions!” He nervously laughs. “Uh Rani, this is (y/n), (y/n), Rani…” It takes you both a second to process what is going on, and there's a pause before either of you speak up. Quick words of greetings are mumbled out, before you move closer in attempts to shake the woman's

 hand. However before you can get closer, she quickly backs a few steps away. “Sorry, I don't like germs…” She says after obviously seeing your slightly taken aback face. In attempts to stay polite you assure her it's no big deal. And while your response was civil, you could easily see that she was lying. Johnny seems to notice the tense atmosphere, and quickly tries to brush it off. “Well, we better get going. Work stuff, yknow.” He seems to state this more than ask. You give Rani a short wave before you disappear with Johnny back down the staircase, and you question if you want to ask Johnny about her. When the two of you hit the last stair, it seems that Johnny has read your mind. “I'm sure you're probably wondering about why she's up there. Ill tell you, but you have to be quiet about it, alright?” He says in a playful tone, and you nod your head in return. “Don't freak out but… She has the virus.” His voice is hushed as he says this. You turn to him in surprise. “Wow, I thought a lot of things, but definitely not that.” You say to him. “Yeah well, thats not even the full story. Her husbands a worker here too, and hes trying to-'' he seems to be caught in his thoughts before he cuts himself off. “I probably shouldn't be telling you that.” He says, adjusting his glasses nervously. “Oh, don't worry, I won't tell anyone.” you say in a small attempt to comfort him. Abruptly he stops at a doorway, like he just remembered what he was supposed to be doing. “This is your room! It's small, but it should work fine.” He says, and your surprised with how quickly you got here. As the two of you exchange goodbyes, you let yourself relax in the small room you were given. While it seemed more of a prison cell than a room, you were thankful for the privacy that came with it.  As you laid on the small cot, you couldn't help but think of the man you met today. Already, he seemed to have a hard time keeping secrets. While this would be helpful for your mission, you found the trait quite charming. Also, the woman with the disease filled your thoughts. Well, not exactly her, more so her husband. What was he trying to do? And how hard would it be for you to get Johnny to tell you? While you weren't sure how long you were going to be at the Zoo, you did know that the information you needed was under hard locks. But maybe, the key you need is Johnny, who seems more than happy to talk. 

You struggle to fall asleep as thoughts run across your brain. Unnervingly however, most of them are not about the mission. Instead they are invaded by a tall, brown haired man with odd looking glasses. All the while, you pretend that your interest in him is because of the mission, telling yourself there is no other reason. 

Deep down however, you fear that this awkward man you met may be one you won't be able to leave behind. 

[trans-advice]

i have to go on a flight soon as part of a club im in and i have to provide a gender to put on the booking stuff. im out as nb but i was new here when i joined the club so i didnt make a point of it. not that it would matter anyways cuz even the ones that i know for sure know dont make any effort to respect my pronouns (there are only a handful of people in similar programs to mine that do). anyways, my state doesn't offer other gender markers for id (I don't have time to get like a passport) and stuff online says to just put whats on your id but i just cant stand the thought of telling our coach to put my assigned gender down or of seeing it on my ticket one more time, especially since i already get misgendered constantly and im just hoping i can avoid my teammates seeing my deadname cuz i dont feel like i can trust them with it. back to the gender thing, i want to put unspecified cuz like, if im not specifying technically there's not really a conflict there so i'm hoping it might be less trouble. i know what i want to do, but im not sure whether thats really whats best for me cuz of the possible stress and judgement

I'm sorry if this response is too late, but try to ask your coach to allow you to do the interaction with the legal authorities away from your teammates in order to avoid "humiliation in front of your peers". It's unprofessional to humilate subordinates in front of their peers and this probably counts for that.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve

[a-v-j]

Akills and Hryxy rp-turn-to-short fic

Content warning:

Swearing, not really a polished fic so format can be a bit wonky, mentions of sex, a bit of 4th wall break, existential crisis

Written by @nyxus-nyx and me

Enjoy~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 4: Youre the first

Akills: italic

Hyryx: bold

Akills waved it off and went to stare somewhere else, scoffing at the idea that sex could be as sacred as a SOUL bond.

"Welp, good to know we have difference views and principles when it comes to that...for us, skeletons, SOUL bond is what we consider a big deal. Any skeleton unfortunate enough to be sexual just do it for shits and giggles or basic intimacy" He rambled

”I dont get it.. for halfbreeds.. we use intercorse as the moment we.. soul bond.. its.. just how we Roll..” he holds his own hand to his chest where his soul is.

“Skeletons just do it for fun hm..? Stupid..”

"your kind soul bond thru sex? Well, that's doing two things at once"

"Doesn't mean we dont do that too, sex and a bond can happen when passion peaks high enough. We can just do either just sex or bond, or both. Some skeletons dont have parts for sex so that's why the bond is the main go-to" He continues on, ignoring that slight comment.

”Mm..”

He sighs.

“What does it even feel like.?” He scratches at his chest again.

"heh"

He tilt his head down as he quietly chuckled.

"Ya gotta be specific, buddy"

”Soul bond.. I never did it to my wife.. she never deserved it but stil..”

He clenches his fist.

“Told it felt nice..”

Akills expression softens a bit as he's able to recollect what a soul bond felt like, he stares blankly for a moment as fond memories softly flashed back to him, then he got a faint image of who he was doing it with and made his mood sour. His expression changes but went on to describe it to Hryxy anyway.

"It's more than nice...it felt like a connection...overwhelming, rush-inducing, feeling of completeness, we can actually feel what we feel for each other... it's like you're able to see what's exactly inside. You'll feel a lot of emotions there, some that are even hidden from both of you. It's more than nice, it's feeling fulfilled "

Hryxy looked at Akills and chuckled.

“Sounds like you have a bit of venom in those words..”

He turns to face Akills once more.

"..heh...one of the many things robbed away from me..."

He looks back to Hryxy, his sockets void of his eyelight and expression unreadable. But his vibe indicate it was a big deal for him

”Hm.. did you ever.. find that one person who robbed you of it..?”

He crosses his arms.

"theyre watching us right now"

Hryxy twitches.

“Oh..?”

"theyre the one playing god and making me, me...i never ask to be, to be honest"

"But boy they sure do like exploring possibilities"

He stopped his leaning position and went sitting cross legged, head down, making his face hidden in the shadows.

”Well. Mine is trying to make me, sentimental.. and feel things..”

He grumbles as he grits his teeth.

“Stupid.”

)HEY-)

"its funny how we are aware of it and still play the stories set for us as if it's a real thing...kinda depressing when you think about it..."

Akills started fiddling with his fingers, not looking at anything but still under the darkness of his hood

Hryxy looks at Akills.

“We have to.. or we’ll end up being scrap.. well.. atleast me..”

Hryxy reaches over and pats Akills head.

Akills stiffens at the touch but lets it be

"Heh, id rather be scrapped, left, forgotten. And i don't mean killing myself, it's more like wishing there were never a trace of me ever. It suck to be who i am"

"Pretty sure you feel the same...being thrown in unnecessary angst for the sake of a "what-if"..."

”Yeah. That atleast my whole life.. hated it.. but gotta live through it.. well for me to die through it and grow rotten..”

He laughs a lil rubbing his hooded skull.

“But bud, im not good with.. ‘comfort’ but atleast.. use that anger or hopelessness on thing that drive you.. well.. crazy.. that works for some of us atleast..”

Akills laughs bitterly

"What do you think im doing. Im killing myself off frame by frame. I know it's hopeless. But...

It gives me a sense of purpose.

Even if it's a fake one.

I know for sure i wont be scrapped like those fortunate enough to be uninteresting, might as well take some of what's coming for me"

"Cant exactly fight god, they could let me but it'll never be real. Dont exactly have a choice but play by their rules, pretend i mean what i am and forget all this is just play...

Heh

Sorry, it's getting existentially heavy" 

Hryxy sighs and grabs Akills and pulls him into a bear hug. “Dont say shit.. just fuckin calm down.. not the end of our worlds yet..”

He grits his teeth wanting to scratch his chest but he protests it.

“Not everyday meetin someone.. who wanted to ring you of your spine then get sentimental.. huh?”

Perhaps forgetting the heavy things is therapeutic, he always been doin it and it felt more better to be in character than feel like shit for being aware of being a character.

Akills would usually kill for the unwanted hug but this one felt right. Felt like a kind that actually gets where his coming from and that it indeed appropriate for the situation. He accepts it

"Heh, nope, youre the first"

(End rp?)

"God, fckn finally"

(Or ya wanna add Hryxy's response?)

"Oh ffs"

(we can end it buddy.)

“Lol.”

The end :D

[pepprs]

ok so updates w more detail now that i have a little more time to think / write it out. ik it’s silly / tmi to do this on tumblr dot com but whatever lol

i am 90% sure im going to rhode island for a conference in october. this one ive known about for a while and it’s not a big deal bc im not presenting or anything and i’ll know a lot of ppl there and the topic / contrnt / theme is completely in my wheelhouse so i will not be alone and i’ll be in the know abt stuff. lole

i am… 60% sure im going to chicago for a conference in november. and presenting. and i’ll be the only one from my team there. and this will be at a huge like… convention type thing in a field that is not mine and i won’t know anyone there except the other delegation members who will likely all be from the same department. it’s 5 days (!!!) and idk if i’ll be there the whole time but i kinda want to be even if most of it won’t be relevant to me bc.. like id be going alone bc everyone wants me to develop confidence and stuff and realize i can do it and represent us independently. and i want that. but im also fucking terrified in part bc this would be my first time traveling independently since brighton (so like in almost 4 yrs lol). also i have been to chicago before (in 2018 for a different conference) so im scared to like. revisit that. but also excited. like what if i meet someone? but what if im being pushed into this or pushed away? idk and now i can’t focus or articulate myself well bc there’s too much noise and everyone is trying to talk to me (i need to actually be doing work b it im typing this instead bc im freaking the fuck out over all these developments lol). anyways

also…….. i am……. 60% sure i am going to. take a graduate level course this semester. on mondays from 4:30-7. and then apply to be part of that masters program it’s in starting in the spring and ahve that class + a possible winter class count towards the credits. and it would take me 3 yrs to finish the masters. i don’t want one for the sake of havign one and i REALLY don’t want to be in the hell of being torn away from work and self care to do school stuff. but i need a masters degree and have had my eye on this program since i was a sophomore in undergrad and it seems kinda meant to be a little bit. and i get 100% tuition remission bc i work here LOLLLLL so it’ll be completely free which is huge!!!!! and it’s like why the fuck not if i have this opportunity but also im so scared and idk if im cut out for grad school due to my mental illness (unironically lol). help

also i switched desks this week and now i sit where my old supervisor (and my new supervisor / her successor LMAO) sat and this one colleague i have in a different dept who is the sweetest person EVER keeps commenting on it and saying im my old supervisors protege and that im the new her and. it’s making me want to scream a little bit but idk if it’s in a good way or bad way

[wlwhq]

hey babies! i am home from my trip! this weekend was awesomely wild - ran a 5k (my first one!!!), ate some delicious snacks, rode some amazing rides, and made some cool memories! not sure when i will get to go back when i normally visit dland two or three times a year, so this was a great way to round out my fav vacation and start 2024 off right.

under the cut are some changes to my activity and how i plan on operating this blog ooc. nothing crazy! but i wanted to keep you all in the loop. i should really make a rules page, maybe i will do that, but in the meantime, ill link this post to my pinned and then you can read it whenever. love u babes

starting with my next adventure in life - i am going back to school starting this week, taking four hugely important classes so i can apply to a rad tech program this summer. basically, if you thought i was slow before (which I am), i am about to get even slower and most likely be dropping things that sit for too long. i am also going to suspend discord writing/rping for the time being, as i already have little to no motivation to get logged onto there when my tumblr drafts get as high as they do.

i am going to be making a point of prioritizing the tumblr replies that (in no particular order) 1) come from people i have befriended and spoken to/plotted with ooc, 2) have been longstanding and either are about to be wrapped up or have a feasible end point, 3) have just been started for me or were plotted/started while i was away (whether things are kept up once the vibe is felt up will be figured out as i go), and 4) i am personally excited about replying to.

im telling ya, it’s going to be a rough semester and i am anticipating my activity going from slow to possibly nonexistent at times. #4 on that list above is most important to me, as this is a hobby and i want to come here as a definite stress reliever & not let it add to my stress. the easiest way to make me feel #4 about our threads or ships or interactions, whatever you wanna call them, is by doing #1. cannot promise fast ooc responses either, but they will definitely be faster than replies. this is not me becoming a “private” multimuse, just a gentle encouragement that if you want “quicker” replies from me from here on out, id prefer that we talk ooc and become friendly if we aren’t already - if you want your replies to not sit as long!

i am sooososos sorry to spring long paragraphs on you time and time again, but i am trying to not disappoint anyone, hurt any feelings, or deter anyone who wants to write with me. in order for me to keep my sanity for the next few months, changing the way that i run this blog is essential. i understand if you want to either drop threads, unfollow, or break the mutual if you’re reading this and are not thrilled about it. i want you to make your dash what you want to make it, the same way i have done with mine! please feel free to message me if you're wanting to be one of those "primary" blogs that i devote my energy to replying to. chances are if you think you are one of them, you are, but still.

tldr; i love you all to the moon and back and this isn't goodbye!!! i shall still be around, just devoting my energy to the things that i have the most muse for because they are plotted out/fangirled about/loved down ooc as well as ic. <3

[tiktaaliker]

@wickedcitrus (tag referring to the poll option where i had a play i wrote preformed in front of an audience)

ok so. i live in a small-to-mid-sized town with a really active theater community. We have like 2 different really good community theater companies that, alongside putting on regular plays, hold some smaller events throughout the year. for a few years, one of these theater companies hosted a 10 minute play competition, where people could write and submit plays to possibly be preformed (with prize money depending on how you placed). I think they changed it recently to have more plays preformed with more categories, but when it started, only about... six or eight plays got picked? the top three or four would be given a full performances, and the rest only got stage read. either way, all the chosen plays were handed off to different directors who picked who was going to preform/read, and people bought tickets to the actual event where the plays were preformed. After the stage readings were done, the audience could vote on which they liked best and that play would be given a stage performance the next year

Two of the plays I wrote got selected- the first year i submitted a play i just got a stage reading (and didn't get the audience choice), and it was kiiinda awkward since one of the performed plays was literally just the same concept as mine. pretty sure the other one got first place too lol

but the SECOND one i did for the next one they held actually did get performed- i got second place that year!! it was fucking BONKERS since like. i think i was like 16 maybe? and every single other person who placed were grown adults, including people who wrote in and traveled from like 5 hours away from a bigger city to enter?? like. people actually planning on going into playwriting???

so yes anyways. the play was about a guy trying to order from a white castle but in the process accidentally went through a time portal and wound up in an Actual Castle where he gets imprisoned for witchcraft because of his smartphone. there's a recording of it on youtube but im not going to link it since it has both my full legal name and the theater company has my home county in the name and id rather not doxx myself lol

maybe if i have time ill download and cut the recording to remove all the identifying shit and just post it here directly?? idk. its like a 240p video and also it is so so so SO hard for me to sit through my old kinda bad attempts at writing dialogue, but the video is kind the only way id be able to share it since ive since lost the script i wrote :c

[sanchoyo]

5, 6, 16, 17, and 50 :3c

5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? 

no. I used to, but my cat is a MENACE!! who tries to ATTACK THEM and will tear them up (despite having pLENTY of soft toys to play with. smh. its like..she cant tell the difference between 'soft toy she is allowed to chew' and 'soft toy that is MINE'...cat sized brain -_-...) so now the stuffed animals stay on the Shelf or Dresser, and I simply cuddle my cat like she is a little baby when its sleeping time instead. and shes gotta accept it bc shes the reason i do not have plushies on the bed anymore....take responsibility miss zilla....😤

6. Do you prefer drawing or writing? 

ohhh hard question. it rly depends on my mood ngl. I love doing both! I ...think if I HAD to pick. I'd choose writing actually... its a bit less time consuming and easier lately. this answer could change in a week tho :")

16. Want any tattoos? What of? 

yeah!! I already have one I lowkey wanna get removed bc it was impulsive and im bored of it LMAO but id wanna replace it with a birth of venus tribute, and I kinda want one sleeve thats ocean + nature themed, and one sleeve that's...vaguely rococo themed with lil tributes to other stuff I love too (omg a lil cinnamoroll tat would b so cute, possibly some pokemon and a lil masha too??) and I have HAD a tmm tat concept sketched out forever but it'd be a bigger piece, so im not sure WHERE id get it on my body, possibly...a chest/collar area placement would be ideal.... hm. also ive always wanted a lil something around my ankle, maybe a floral piece or smth. or a lil dragon around my ankle for poor 17 yr old me who threw a FIT over not being allowed to get a tat at that age HAHA shout-out to them bc that was funny asf looking back. anyway YES I want more tats but Money u know. :")

17. Want any piercings? Where? 

look I respect and love the way they look on other ppl but No none for me. i used to have my ears pierced but let them grow in. im lowkey very anxious/paranoid that if I got any piercings someone would try to fight me and Rip Them Out and its very irrational but very Scary to think abt. (or that theyd be around my mouth and get caught on food and id swallow them or smth kjadsfhkj) my paranoia simply Wont Allow it. But again. they are VERY cool on other ppl, esp the more alternative/big ones!! i love to see em 🥺

50. Wild Card. Any question, ask away. 

ohh wait does this question mean i..come up with a question for myself lol?? or am I misreading. anyway im choosing to make this question 'what drawings are u working on rn' bc I want to Ramble abt that. I am CURRENTLY working on (4) diff magical girl drawings bc im putting together a mini magical girl zine + coloring book :) im having fun!! and should be posting previews within the next week or so if all goes according to schedule.... after I finish that I also want to draw a blue knight + ichigo drawing with some cute redesigns I did forever ago hehe :3 very excited for tmmn s2.....aaaaa they are so cute im literally like...getting so happy just seeing screenshots and new fanart of them i love them sm.....

tysm for asking jace!!!! <333

[truelove-cafe]

waves !! for your ask game (oops this is a lot ..) Affection, Blood, Cope, Feeling, Give, Ideals, Love Language, Type, Unique !!

hi hi hi hello! another long one :D

affection: how do you show your feelings to your darling, if you do? how intense does it get?

i think i show my feelings any way possible, if thats.. if that makes sense. i write love letters, would write a whole novel if they asked. i make or buy gifts, i offer the world on a platter. id get on my knees and treat them like my church, completely holy. id devote all of my time and attention to them, as well. the only person to hear from me would be my darling. i love to serve, whether im a housewife or a butler or simply an employee to boss around; anything they'd like. so id say it gets very intense!

feeling: how does your darling make you feel? where are you at emotionally right now?

please prepare because this is where i become slightly more down bad and slightly more pathetic /silly

my darling makes me feel.. very hopeful. upbeat, light, excited. its almost overwhelming, and sometimes i start hyperventilating because of how worked up i am. sometimes i feel lost, though, because i dont know if im doing the right thing or if i dont understand whats actually happening. the last thing i want to do is upset my darling, and if i dont understand where everythings headed, if im on the right track, all of that.. i will explode /silly,,, and where im at right now? im so crazy, i think that im quite obsessed, more than id like to admit. i cant take my mind off of them, i sit and wait for them a lot of the time. im patiently waiting for cues and signs, as im both too nervous for initiative and i like to consider their feelings over mine

give: imagine you are getting interviewed by your darling or potential darling to be their beloved. how would your “application” be like, what can you offer them?

cough cough.. hello, mic on? anyways. ive never been in an interview, but i sure can try!

i can offer you my world, darling. i know that sounds like empty words, but i will prove it to you. my heart is already in your hands, my mind is already full of you. how easy it would be to give you my body, my soul, my life. if you're afraid of having to put in extra effort, ill do everything myself even! ill offer my services. call upon me any time, i will wait. i will never leave your side — sleep when you sleep, eat when you eat, write you letters or add to my collection of information youve given while you're busy or with your friends. i will not take up a big spot in your life if you would prefer, mi amor, or if you want i will be all-consuming. you will never have to face a hardship without my help, always. if you dont believe me, why dont you hire me!! /silly

ideals: what would your ideal future or end game with your darling be like?

hmmm, i think that truly depends on what my darling wants — if theyd like to live a country apart, sending snail mail and packages to each other, i can accept that in time. if they want me to drive to see them occasionally, spend a weekend with each other before parting again, that is also lovely. as long as i have contact with them, i will retain sanity. however.. i would love to live with or near my darling, see them all the time. spoil them with gifts, show up on their doorstep.. be allowed to stalk and sweetly keep an eye on them in person. the thought by itself is actually so exciting shdnsndb

love language: what are your giving and receiving love languages? how does this apply to your darling?

my giving love languages are namely quality time and gift giving. however when it comes to my darling, i give every kind of love. words of affirmation becomes especially important when i give to my darling, because while naturally im an awkward speaker, i love to endlessly praise and adore them. "its impossible to tell them how much i love them, but ill keep trying!" kind of mood!! acts of service is another that becomes important, im sure that's easily gathered from my other answers!! but when it comes to receiving, i like quality time the most, i think. i dont ask for much on a regular basis, but when it comes to my beloved ill ask for even less, even if i want more. does that make sense? anything im given i will rejoice in, but i love attention and words of affirmation sososososoooo much

unique: what kind of yandere tendencies do you have?

well.. thats a surprisingly difficult question, because i think that i have a lot of the typical tendencies! i stalk, i obsess, i ruminate and think of kidnapping or stealing my darling away from the world, even if i never would. im not violent, but i do get overwhelmingly jealous and possessive; ill fight with somebody if i have to. i will "take care of somebody," even if it doesnt mean.. killing them, you know? i think im gentler than most yans are portrayed (at least in media), but i dont think that im the typical cute girl that has a dark murderous side. im not very two faced, im outright. i dont like to manipulate, either, though i will if im allowed to, in very small ways that arent noticeable. does this make sense..

ALSO as you saw, i answered blood, cope, and type in the other one <3

[hpdfag]

said in dms i could drop a thousand word ramble about hinata at the drop of a hat so im going to make good on that one off joke. below the cut is a Very long ramble

he's just.. so perfect in all of his flaws. i think the reason he's so wonderful is because he isn't some perfect human, good at everything, he's wonderful in his humanity. he's kind, and he's skilled, and he has so much passion. he can also be a dick at times, and stubborn as hell. but that's part of what makes him who he is. if all of those kinks were ironed out, i don't think he'd be the man i fell in love with, that i love to this day. he's a human being, no matter what was done to him, and he's better for it.

he was kind to me, and did so much to help my rehabilitation after the simulation the first time around. he went slow, he was careful so i wouldn't fall. that superhuman body hopes peak gave him meant that he was recovered before anyone else, and he dedicated himself to making sure we all not only made it out, but were able to thrive. he was patient with me, even though i was dazed, and confused, and very scared. even before we got together, i could tell he loved me the way i did him. he wanted to see me happy, and no one had ever made me feel the way he did. still no one has since, unless they try to pretend to be him. i don't think taking advantage of my delusions should count though, so i wont.

and he's gorgeous too. it's not the most important part of him, and i don't want to make it seem like i only love him for his looks, but he's so handsome. his hair is so soft, and looking at his smile is like being blinded by the sun. his name really fits him. you could dissapear into his eyes, both the green and the red. i want to see all of him, i want him to let me in to the deepest parts of himself. i love his dumb little button up shirts, i love the way he carries himself, confident and self concious at the same time. he's a well of contradictions. i wouldn't have him any other way.

he's warm, too. i keep finding myself returning to his name, he really is the sun, blinding anyone who gets too close. i remember laying beside him, even when i was cold, or scared, he's warm, in a way that kamukura wasnt. it helps ground me. this is a person. this is someone who loves me. and i can feel his body heat radiating through me. i wish i could lay by his side forever. even in the unbearable summer heat, id push through just to be by his side, hold his hand, sleep next to him.

he would smile at me sometimes, brush a strand of hair out of my face. i was always in my own little world but he could cut through that in an instant to bring me back down to earth. he's so in tune with everyone on the island, i have no idea how he keeps it sll straight. it's clear that he cares so deeply for each and every one of us, and even though i'd never dare to truly take him away from everyone, some days i wish i could keep him all to myself. i wish i could lock us in our cabin forever, i wish i could see that smile, hear him whisper "i love you, komaeda" all over again. i wish no one else could see him smile like that. of course, i wouldn't want him to be unhappy. i know how much all of his friends mean to him. but sometimes, i wish i was more selfish before i came here. i wish i spent more time staring back instead of hating myself for taking him away from the others.

whenever i think about him loving me back, about how much he cared for me, i feel like crying. how could i possibly deserve someone like him? he's the hope of everyone, but i get to have him, to posess him, and let him have every part of me in exchange. he's mine, he's mine, and it still hasn't sunk in. it almost feels presumptuous to assume he'd love me with the same intensity, but i think part of getting better is realizing that it's okay to be selfish like that sometimes. hinata would insist upon it.

more than anything, i want to see him happy. i want to do everything in my power to make the man i love see how much he means to not only me, but the world, and everyone around him. i want him to turn to me when he's scared and alone, the way i have to him. i want to be someone he can be proud of. i want to love him the way he needs to be loved, and prove to him that he's more than the sum of his parts, more than what's happened to him, more than hope's peak and the expectations they put on him. he's more than any of that, not only just to me. he's hope itself. not because of the project, but in spite of it. he's broken free. he's all that matters. i love him because he is love.

the morning sunlight filters through the window and i think of him. the breeze passes through the plants below the windowsil and i think of him. i eat eggs and toast for breakfast and i think of him. i draw him, i write about him, he is in every little facet of the universe. i look in the mirror, and even though the face i wear is unfamiliar and strange, i see him reflected back at me, i see his hope, his dream of my survival. he is divine in the kind of way only an ordinary man can be. the kind of divine that would bestow mercy upon me. the kind of divine that i want to serve for the rest of my life, not out of necessity or fear, but pure unadulterated worship and devotion.

he is in every line of code that makes up this reality, even though he didn't have a direct hand in creating it, he's left his mark on the world, and it shows. i don't want to waste his gift, i don't want to be ungrateful. even though every day on my own hurts more than the last, i can make it through it, and on the other side he'll be waiting for me. i know he will be. and this will all be worth it. because one day, i'll be able to see him, and tell him i love him, and i won't be scared anymore.