#possible tw for sa??

[uzi-x33]

I noticed this in the background and I want to fucking cry.

[anetherealpoetess]

Neil Gaiman, let’s be realistic. A 21-year-old working in the home of a man four decades her senior cannot truly give meaningful consent to any type of sexual encounter, let alone within mere hours of meeting him. Even though you are denying it was not consensual, the fact you have conceded the sexual encounter did happen at all is a full confession. You are, by your own admission, a predator.

[huntquinlan]

it’s honestly a shame that sjm is not an author who deals in allegory or is an author who would be able to tactfully write this because i honestly feel like azriel’s scars are such a missed opportunity. i’m putting this under a read more because the topic is sensitive and will be tagged accordingly.

while azriel’s burn scars in canon serve as a physical representation and reminder of the abuse he survived from his father and brothers, when i was reflecting on them and azriel’s own complex relationship with his romantic life and sexuality i realized that if the author of acotar was anyone other than sjm azriel’s scars could easily be read as symbolic representations of trauma from csa. it comes down to them being on his hands as well, hands so often being the conduit by which any type of physical intimacy is initiated.

i think this interpretation is strengthened by azriel’s aversion to fire while fire has been associated with incredibly passionate sex in universe (“fire in his blood and fucks like it too”).

what it ultimately comes down to, for me, is azriel’s centuries long obsession with mor. which comes off as incredibly comphet and strange until the eris reveal, which brings to light the incredibly charged relationship between eris and azriel. and it leads me to wonder how much of it really is mor, if it’s not just the safety of the idea of her to cover what azriel really desires because he’s functionally unable to process that.

not only are the illyrians written as incredibly traditional, but there is no indication given they are accepting of same sex attraction. azriel, who suffered so extremely at the hands of his father and brothers, that he still bares the physical burn scars to his hands, having any attraction to the heir of autumn, practically the crown prince of fire, would be incomprehensible to azriel’s mind. and any part of him that did comprehend it would be terrified and probably ashamed.

eris, of course, represents everything azriel fears and despises. but more importantly, he is the opportunity for azriel to heal from past traumas and fully accept himself and his sexuality.

this interpretation doesn’t negate the possibility for ‘kinky’ azriel either. since everyone seems to be preoccupied with whether he can be a leather dom daddy or not. frankly, any sort of bdsm practice would offer azriel a sort of distance during intimacy (depending on the act and his role) but above all else, enthusiastic and clear consent.

[dreaming-in-daylight]

attention tumblr 🗣️🗣️

hi so im doing a study

i’ve noticed how half of trans people are also victims of sexual assault, and i wanna look into what one has to do with the other.

i’m specifically looking for trans people who have experienced sexual assault and i only have three questions.

what was your age when you realized you were trans?

what was your age at the time of the assault?

do you think there is a link?

anyone who would like to share can send me an ask, anon or not; or send me a dm

thank you!

[jekinabox]

some rambles on my takes on Curly from Mouthwashing

I understand that a lot of people see Curly’s reaction to Anya telling him about her SA and what he did after as him ignoring it for Jimmy’s sake- and maybe that’s true, the point could very well be that people (especially those close to the abuser, especially men) will just set that kind of thing aside because the abuser “wouldn’t do that” or “will be better” or whatever, especially because Swansea ends up doing the same thing when Anya tells him, as well as the consistent theming of responsibility and trying to fix things.

But I think that maybe there’s more to it? If you don’t, feel free to look away, this is just my thoughts and take. But I think If the story is about SA and the consequences of not rooting the people out, I don’t understand what Diasuke’s role in it could be, so that just isn’t the moral of the story that I see. Of course, if this is how you see the story, that’s ok! People can have different views on media, and art is as much about people’s different responses to it as it is about what the creators meant.

Onto my little ramblings about the guy!

1- I think it’s very probable that Curly’s been manipulated by Jimmy, and for a long time. They’re “best friends,” and Curly believes Jimmy “won’t try that bullshit with me” even though he clearly does. Even at the birthday party, Jimmy is uncaring to his “best friend,” and during the confrontation near the cockpit, Jimmy outright twists what Curly’s said in the past. (Not to mention what he does to Curly afterward, but that doesn’t exactly count since it’s afterward.) I also wouldn’t be surprised if Jimmy helped Curly out of some situation in the past due to his savior complex and Curly now feels like he owes Jimmy something. It’d be easy for him to overlook Jimmy’s smaller problems if he feels he owes Jimmy something, especially if it’s something bigger, and he seems more of the “deal with it” kind of person anyways, so he’d obviously toss any grievances aside since he thinks everyone needs multiple chances. At first, Jimmy probably unsettled him. But he got used to it, just like his job. He deals with it for the last day, then another, then another.

2- Curly seems legitimately concerned when Anya tells him about everything, at least when he gets confirmation. We don’t see much after the she asks him about the locks on the doors, and we don’t see how much he actually learns, and thus no clue as to how bad he believes the situation may be (Harassment is nothing to scoff at, but if he just believes someone’s being a creep or annoying her, he’s obviously going to try to learn more and deescalate before anything else.) We also never see how much or what they say when she asks for the gun, but what we know is that Curly is freaking out when he thinks she has it, and actually believes it at first to be that she wants to kill herself due to the recent termination of their jobs. He’s first confused, then after her few words of explanation says he’ll talk to Jimmy. We never see an actual talk, but he learns definitively of what happened only “1 day before the crash,” and it takes time to sort through emotions, plans, and decisions, let alone when someone you thought was good did something like that and if you realize that they were a shitty person all along. Curly also then needs to decide what they’re going to do with Jimmy (they can’t lock him in the cockpit or medical because they need those, nor the hold because he would obviously mess up whatever they’re shipping as a hissy fit against them, and considering you get pay docked for complaining, using the cryopod or the gun would probably make this whole deal worthless for practically everyone.) Even if he did decide to just get rid of Jimmy, he’s not going to tell anyone that in case Jimmy finds out, and especially not Anya, since she seems forgiving enough and in a bad enough spot he has no clue what she may try to do if he tells her “I’m going to go kill Jimmy.”

3- Inaction and not taking responsibility doesn’t feel like Curly’s issue. Curly has the responsibility of everything on the ship, even baking a cake, and even when told not to tell his crew about the loss of their jobs, he still does. He even takes roles that aren’t his, like doing Jimmy’s psych evaluation when he sees Anya’s uncomfortable. This is why he and Jimmy are the two characters we play as, and are seen as opposites and each other’s foils. Jimmy’s whole thing is unreliable narration. By the end of the game, he’s convinced himself Curly crashed the ship and he’s the better man for leaving Curly alive after what he “did.” Jimmy’s an aggressive man who uses people for just what they can give him, and he causes problems for the express purpose of trying to fix him so people worship him, but messes up even with all the time in the world to “fix” things. Curly’s the one blamed, but he’s a genuine guy who tried his best and gave people the benefit of the doubt until he couldn’t anymore, but didn’t have the time to fix anything because Jimmy broke that chance.

4- My main bit is over, but another piece of his psychology- Curly probably hates himself, considering how Jimmy talks about him seeming like he’s at the edge of a bridge with cinderblocks on his feet, and if he hates himself, a way he may try to cope is by insisting everyone isn’t tied to their worst moments! Just like how he talks about how pain is a symbol one’s alive, which sounds like another coping mechanism. Jimmy isn’t the only one who hopes it hurts.

5- And Curly was right, most of the time, about how bad things don’t define people. Swansea’s rude and abrasive at times, but a pretty good man in a bad life. Diasuke was unplanned for the journey, but he’s a good intern who’s trying his best. Anya may have only completed the Pony Express medical course, but she keeps Curly alive for four months, even despite his quadruple amputations and missing skin and the complete lack of a lot of medical equipment that she could’ve used. The unfortunate thing is- his kind nature let bad things in, and it was so slow and manipulative he didn’t even necessarily know, consciously, how bad it was, until Jimmy crashed the ship, got everyone killed, and fed him his own leg. 99.9% indeed.

[bluecloudious]

This is a essay/character analysis of Pyramid Head and I would like to preface it with four disclaimers:

First, as I will use every valid piece of knowledge that's available of Pyramid Head, I will spoil all of Silent Hill 2, even the Director's Cut of it. It's inevitable, considering how important he is in the game, so be warned beforehand. Play Silent Hill 2 if you haven't, or watch someone else play it. (just keep in mind there are multiple endings.)

Second, I will only use Silent Hill 2 and the tweets of Pyramid Head's creator, Masahiro Ito, as evidence. He knew exactly what the character was supposed to be and Silent Hill 2 is the only appearance of Pyramid Head that he worked on. Thus, it doesn't get more accurate than that to me.

Third, I am not claiming this is gospel. This is mainly a character study done for fun to show off how canon Pyramid Head may act when portrayed in fanfiction or other fan content. It's researched and gathered information that may be used to learn more about the character as well, yes, but I am not claiming this to be the end-all-be-all of his personality. He is a fictional character, and a grown man/creature at that. There's nothing wrong with depicting him however anyone pleases. I personally do not enjoy the r*pey depictions of him, but he's a fictional monster, it's an inevitable take.

And, fourth, expect discussion of topics found in Silent Hill 2. Mentions of death, abuse and r*pe, but I won't be dwelling on any given topic in detail.

So, with all of that in mind…

What was that Red Pyramid Thing? An essay/character study of the manifestation of James' guilt

Red Pyramid Thing, more commonly known as Pyramid Head, is somewhat of the main antagonist in Silent Hill 2, though I use the term loosely (he certainly does antagonize James). He was made specifically because the game needed a chaser to fulfil a specific role in the story, and he was designed by Masahiro Ito.

He only appears six times total throughout the game, for around ten minutes all together. Regardless of the brevity of his sightings, he certainly makes a strong impression, if how popular he has become since then is any indication of course. Every single instance of Pyramid Head's appearance in-game has him pushing James forward towards recognizing the error of his ways and remembering what he did in the first place. Mostly emotionally, but he does physically push him once in order to make progress too. The only exception is perhaps his first appearance, where he simply stands there behind a set of bars and stares at James, simply an omen of things to come. Rather nice of him to give a warning, as vague as simply standing there menacingly can be. Other than that, PH is doing his job very actively and without pulling any punches. Only what is needed of him, up until James learns his lesson.

But, what is Pyramid Head and why does he exist? Put short, PH is a manifestation of James Sunderland's guilt and his need to be punished after what he did.

Regardless of what James says throughout most of the duration in-game, his wife Mary did not die three years ago. That's when she got sick, and she's basically been dead to him ever since. She had to be sent to the hospital and throughout the duration of it all, she somewhat made James' life far more difficult, from his own point of view at least. While her wife was fighting the illness, James was fighting his inner lust. Since he couldn't be with his wife that way anymore, and due to her behavior shift during her illness, lashing out at him, James found himself lusting for other women around him. He never acted upon it, but every vaguely attractive woman that caught his sights, whether nurse or patient, was sooner or later a part of his fantasies. And it all became too much for him.

It culminated in James no longer wanting Mary to be in his way, so he wouldn't have to worry about her anymore in every sense of the word. Thus, in an act of desperation, he suffocates her with a pillow. In order to hide the body, he brings her to his car, his mind immediately locking the memory away of what he just did in order to try and continue his life. He then heads directly to Silent Hill, as he finds it calling for him.

And Pyramid Head is there, ready to remind James of all of it and to make sure he isn't able to forget and move on.

As stated prior, everything that Pyramid Head does after his first appearance is actively to fulfil his role, to punish James Sunderland for his sins. PH doesn't hang out nor do whatever he wants, he's actively terrorizing James every time he appears, even when it seems he might not know James is even there. He knows, and he's acting accordingly. He kills Maria at least twice and chases James around in order to establish that he should be taken seriously. From what I established earlier, this is both a direct display and punishment for exactly what James did. Yet, he shows off that he's actively helping too, since he's actively trying to remove and destroy those lust-based creatures when we see him first doing anything. James just hides from the fact that he ever had those ideas in the first place.

And, after all of this is done, Pyramid Head offs himself. His job is done, there's nothing else left for him to do, it's completed its purpose. PH is directly tied to James, his existence directly revolves around him and he works diligently to show off as much as well. That's all he was created for and all he ever acted accordingly to.

So… Why is that not how he's depicted anymore? Why is he now a general judge and punisher? When did Valtiel become an important to him? Why is he depicted so lustfully?

Well, the truth is, that's really not the same Pyramid Head anymore.

Konami couldn't let PH go, mainly due to how iconic his appearance is. If you told someone with little to no artistic skill to draw Pyramid Head, chances are that you'll still be able to flawlessly tell who they drew. A stick figure with a triangle instead of a head and a big sword/knife by his side. Undoubtedly still the same iconic character. And the game, Silent Hill 2, is regarded as one of the best horror games ever by a lot of people. It's hard to not find an avid horror video game fan who hasn't at the very least heard about it; about its atmosphere, how well it depicts what it tackles and how many layers of symbolism there is to pick apart.

So, it's been somewhat inevitable that Pyramid Head became as prevalent in media as he did. If Konami sees dollar signs in their future, they're not ignoring the prediction. They just had to include the Executioner in more media in order to ensure he isn't forgotten and that he'd remain iconic. And that's how he's become what he is now. A deliverer of punishment, working for powers beyond comprehension. Whether it's Valtiel (the subject of worship for the cult in Silent Hill) or the Entity (Dead By Daylight's main antagonist), he's just been delegated to be a brutish goon more than anything.

That's what's happening to PH in real life, but how would he canonically react to this? How would he, as a character, react to being brought back to life and used as a lackey more or less, punishing whoever is deemed worthy of it? Would he even care?

Well, I have reason to believe that he'd be frustrated. Disappointed and miserable even. And that belief stems partly from Ito's tweets, but mostly from the being most like Pyramid Head of all that James meets during the nightmare he lived through in Silent Hill. Maria.

Maria is the idealized representation of James' wife, Mary. She looks far more outgoing and appealing compared to Mary, flirts with him, works at a strip club and, though she is also briefly shown to be ill, she can just take a few pills and she's fine again. Yet, she's shown to be more than this. She gets upset when James glosses over how she "almost" died, she cares about what happens to Laura and, well, she is still ill. Yes, it's true that this is simply her being a representation of Mary, as those are all traits they'd share.

But there's even more. There's Born From a Wish, a side story in the Director's Cut of Silent Hill 2, where you play as Maria. In it, we see what she did before she met James face to face for the first time. She wants to live, she's scared of the monsters and she wants to be her own person. She doesn't want to believe in fate, especially that it's tied to James, a man she's never met, yet she can just vaguely recall him. She even makes a choice whether to be in control of her fate or not, ultimately deciding to submit.

While Maria is a direct reflection of Mary, just somewhat more idolized, Pyramid Head is more of a reflection in spirit of James.

While it's correct that PH shows off what James did, it was directly to display how awful that behavior was, knowing that James is right there to bear witness. He was directly playing a part, acting even. Even his outfit reflected his part in a way that James would recognize; that of an executioner. Back in the day, Silent Hill was full of them (due to the cult dedicated to making sacrifices to Valtiel), everyone knew an executioner or was directly related to one. Thus, they were depicted in the Silent Hill Historical Society, a place that James and Mary visited. James knows that the thing freaking him out and threatening his life is an executioner, a punisher. Eventually, he realizes it's his punisher.

But then why did I bring up Maria?

Pyramid Head isn't like all the other monsters. While he causes the radio to act out, he acts far more intelligently and well-thought-out. As I emphasized before, he only appears for around ten minutes in-game. Thus, he is extremely proficient and active at his purpose. None of the other monsters that James faces behave this way; hunting him all the way through Silent Hill, only showing up when the timing is perfect. Pyramid Head knows exactly what he's doing, thus it's not too outlandish to assume that he's sapient (and also insanely dedicated to his job). Thus, him being capable of emotions may not be as far-fetched as first assumed.

Now, with all of that in mind, imagine you're Pyramid Head; created for the one purpose, insanely dedicated to it and with no reason to exist outside of it. And then… You're brought back and are being told to punish some random people that you know nothing about. All that planning and effort that was put into punishing James, that sheer artisan level of skill shown off… Replaced by mere lowly grunt work.

All that have employed Pyramid Head since he got done with James, all of them have misunderstood his point. He isn't merely a punisher and a judge, he's an actor and a skilled planner, his role was all that he ever needed or possibly even wanted to be. He lived and died for it.

And now, he's back. And he isn't allowed to be that skilled professional actor anymore, to show off his full potential. He finished acting school and now, after performing the role of his dreams, he's a clown at birthday parties.

It's rather understandable why I assume he might be frustrated now, isn't it? It's strange to think that even a powerful and assumedly somewhat intelligent being like the Entity or even a godlike being such as Valtiel wouldn't know how to properly utilize him. He gets the job done, sure, but surely there are creatures far more up for the task of endlessly hunting people in someone else's name, right?

The main way I can reason, in-universe, why either would choose him is because they find him neat. The Entity has a clear affinity for well-known slashers and monsters, and PH is definitely iconic. Valtiel however saw what a good job Pyramid Head did and decided "you know what, I'm not done with you yet, you stay". Shallow reasons sure, but still better than the Doylist one.

So, Pyramid Head has gone from the tormentor to the tormented, assuming such from the evidence I have at least. Though there's still a possibility that I overestimated or even jumped the gun on the idea that the Red Pyramid Thing knows or even cares that it's being puppeted, I think it's still a fascinating possibility. Big brutish man that's actually intelligent, but who gets misinterpreted by everyone, to the point that it's landed him a job he never wanted.

Perhaps it's why the bottom of his helm has been covered by flesh over time; so many people disregarded the head that now he's given into the pyramid. That he'll never be regarded as anything other than a mindless monster.

[quixtrix]

shirking responsibility - a mouthwashing mini analysis

cws; abortion, suicide, sexual assault discussion yknow i dont think i've seen people talk about this, and if there are, i haven't seen it yet, but anya's dialogue in her death scene possibly suggests that jimmy may have suggested to abort the baby.

these lines, put right next to each other, never really struck me as odd until i thought about the first line in the context of anya taking her own life. if they were directed towards jimmy as in jimmy being the one to encourage it, then why would jimmy, even though he constantly berates anya for more or less being a 'useless' nurse, tell their only nurse to kill herself? hes never malicious enough to outright say that or directly encourage that for one, he just sees her as both her role as a nurse and a woman first.

and as a woman, her natural purpose, in his eyes, would be to serve and satisfy the man. its one of the many reasons why he rapes her, and possibly continued to do so, enough to where she becomes pregnant.

we know from the dead pixel scene and the pregnancy reveal scene that it brings her distress, with both scenes being 2 days and 1 day before the crash respectively. the crash may have been spurred on by the fact that curly told jimmy about the pregnancy, but there is a possibility that anya had told jimmy before, as she knew she was pregnant already. the fact that curly found out about jimmy using anya as he had through the pregnancy reveal means that jimmy would have to take responsibility for his actions in full, not only through possible fatherhood, but for his crime.

anya telling jimmy about the pregnancy is a possibility if only because she can't tell anyone else. no one else knew about her being raped before she tells them herself, (ex. dead pixel scene, in the foamed up cockpit with swansea), so she couldn't exactly break the news to anyone else but jimmy. to jimmy, to have the baby would mean that there is physical evidence of his crime, physical consequence as he would have to take responsibility.

kids, regardless of conception, are a big responsibility. a hindrance, especially in the workplace, as one would have to take time off and shift their focus from their work just for the kid. for someone who wants to progress, for someone like jimmy, this isn't something that he wanted out of what was easy relief. the easiest option is to get rid of the baby, to get rid of the massive consequence for his actions he would have to take responsibility for.

now lets take a look at another bit of dialogue that also caught my attention.

while this does apply to her taking her own life, it can have a double meaning when we bring the baby into the context. when accidental, women are often blamed for getting pregnant in general. family members blame the woman, bystanders blame the woman, a partner who doesn't want a baby blame the woman. all for a biological function that the woman cannot control. this is especially the case with unwanted pregnancy when the partner not holding the baby holds some sort of power over the woman. whether it be through work power dynamics, through financial power, or through the popularity of the partner, it can be seen as 'baby-trapping;' keeping the partner in the relationship through the responsibility of a baby.

for someone as paranoid as jimmy, who eventually spirals into believing that everyone is against him, this may very well be the case in his eyes.

to jimmy, anya is a woman before anything else. she is a woman in the sense that she is there for the purpose of servitude, and her position as nurse does not help. she is a damn good nurse, however her perceived incompetence by jimmy overshadows this fact. to her, she is a tool for relief, for his own comfort, seeing as none of the other men have 'claimed' her as their own. so as both a woman, and a nurse, both of which are traditionally perceived as below a 'man' and a co-pilot, jimmy would see it fit that he would have the right to impose his will on her. whenever he takes responsibility as self-appointed captain, he does it because the captain has to take care of the crew. but as co-pilot, he is in a sweet spot, where he is comfortably above the rest, but not responsible for their wellbeing; just his own.

to have his crimes known, to have a baby, this is all placing responsibility on jimmy he doesnt want. which is why hes the man he is in game. he only wants the good, he wants the pleasure, not the disgusting consequences of it.

on anyas side, theres also the guilt of it all. pregnancy is a huge responsibility, much less one conceived by rape. she knows how selfish it is to take her own life, as the nurse of the ship, yes, but circling back to the fact that the woman is blamed for becoming pregnant, we know that it also applies in mouthwashing, because of what curly says when anya reveals she is pregnant to him.

"Who would you-"

the very implication of a choice, a choice that anya did not have in the actions that caused her pregnancy, shifts the blame from jimmy, to her. its a very deliberate word choice that makes it known that despite whatever curly decides to do in the light of this situation, it's anya's fault. anya was the one that decided to carry this pregnancy. it's not seen as her burden, it's seen as her choice because she is pregnant.

in a ship such as the tulpar, there is not much one could do in terms of abortion. the best route endangers both mother and fetus, which is why one could understand how anya wouldn't abort the rape baby when she is significantly more stable than she is in her death scene. before then, the crash wasn't even thought as a thing that would happen. sure, they're out of a job once the freight cruiser comes back to earth, but no one would expect such a huge consequence to come out of coming forward with her story like that.

so by keeping the baby, possibly out of her own survival, and indirectly causing the crash, anya possibly feels more guilt than one reasonably should.

i say indirectly causing the crash because in the end, it's jimmy who didn't want to own up and take responsibility for his own actions. and while anya and the rest of the crew aren't aware of the whole story, it wouldn't be hard to piece together what possibly could be the reason for it if it came literally a day after one tells the captain about her own pregnancy, right?

think of the guilt that anya may have felt. no, she is not directly responsible, but guilt doesn't work that way, especially not with rape. in a ship where her rapist is the boss and the man she went to for help defended him instead, leading to where they are now, it's not easy to not let it get to one's head. plus, she's constantly berated by jimmy, taunted even, for her perceived inability to do her job.

would be real easy to finally snap and take matters into her own hands, wouldn't it?

a suicide is seen as the most selfish action one could do.

in her iconic monologue, where anya defiantly claims that this is 'the best decision she'll ever make,' she is taking responsibility in her own way for her role in this whole fiasco; taking responsibility for the consequences of jimmy's actions and aborting the baby and by extent, eliminating the root of the problem. with no woman onboard, she cannot be used. she cannot be taken as a topic of controversy. she takes responsibility for her crime of biology, and therefore takes her own life.

anya, following finding out about her pregnancy, is defined by it through it being why jimmy crashes the ship. the consequence of her rape becomes the core of what she is; the root of the problems that led to the crash. though she tries to be more than it, through her work as a nurse and through how she keeps the crew together, what had happened to her consumes her, and is what she takes responsibility for by taking her own life in the end.

she tried her best in the conditions she was in. :(

anywayssss tl;dr, anyas death dialogue suggests that jimmy suggested to abort the baby because its a massive responsibility on his part and honestly he just doesnt want to face the consequences of his own selfish need for pleasure. thats why we have mouthwashing and thats why anya kills herself, out of both possibly guilt and the fact that she has had to live under the thumb of her rapist for this long.

anywaysss hope u enjoyed reading if you got this far, my askbox is open for discussion and criticism (though please be civil, i do these analyses for fun!) :P

[malesshit]

Hazbin/Helluva antis:

Look how Valentino is r*ping Angel, look at how uncomfortable Angel looks. Surely this is a romantization of r*pe and Vivzie is problematic!

Also Hazbin/Helluva antis:

Why didn’t Vivzie make the sympathetic character a r*pist!? This is bad writting! I need Ozzie to SA Fizz or else it’s not accurate to demonology!

[cokicito]

Tw: very dark humor, talk of real SA, sebaciel cameo because yes <3

I love it when extreme antis are like "I hope you get rap-d by a family member" lmfao been there, done that. Why do you think I wanna read abt Ciel getting his cunt absolutely obliterated by an ancient demon?

[loudlychoppedbread]

An Essay about Nils Lutefisk From Psychonauts, and How Jokes and Stereotypes Can Hide Horror.

@how-good-day

Well. Here's the essay that I've been thinking about in my brain, ever since I've thought about Nils Lutefisk in a deeper way.

(TW: Yes, this post is rated mature, and I plan to talk about violence and sexual themes with a character who is a minor. This is something that has been in my brain that I don't think a lot people realize about the character and his implications and bothers me.)

(Sources I will be using - Psychonauts, and myself who has been a summer Camp Counselor for 7 years.)

I will be jumping straight into my thesis so anyone who feels uncomfortable with ANY of the above, skip to the next post.

I fully believe that Nils Lutefisk is a caricature of a kid who has gone through SA.

Number 1. Why do I use the word "caricature?" Well, DoubleFine made a lot of the kids based on stereotypes for kids they didn't have backstories for. J.T.'s a cowboy, Chops is Canadian, Quentin is a chill guy who everyone likes, Franke is a mean girl's inexperienced BFF. Characters not given full backstories are caricatures of kids who you probably knew when you're growing up, some with different flavors. Nils Lutefisk is supposed to be a caricature of a kid who believes they are more mature for their age cause they know about sex. ... The thing is: Kids usually DON'T know about sex, or have sexual urges UNLESS there is something more going on.

Number 2. Do you think Nils is a caricature of a SPECIFIC kid that people on the DoubleFine team knew? No, absolutely not. I think they took the ideas of kids that they knew and were maybe even friends with. Kids they thought were a little weird or neat. But that doesn't mean campers match up with specific kids they knew. Still, the fact that Nils acts the way he does and the fact that these are signs, leads me to believe that the kid, especially if someone were to write fanfiction focusing on him, has probably gone through way worse than most of the fandom realizes.

Number 3. Why do you think this is the case? Just using in-game scenes, we have him trying to peep on the girls twice, him and Elka arguing about their "new relationships," him flirting with Chloe, his rebraining where he tries to find girls who want to makeout, and his resolution with Elka. Just from the interaction of him seeking the sight of the girls raises several questions for me as a camp counselor. I have dealt with kids of all ages who have had unfortunate circumstances, and this is certainly a big one. If kids are showing this type of interest, especially pre-puberty, we are told in training that these are likely signs of SA and we need to keep an eye on and ear out for if a kid like this talks about that. This is highly the case for Nils given the only info we have on his age is his campster which puts him at 9. This character, who is supposed to be 9, has way too much interest in this type of thing for his age.

Number 4. Well, Psychonauts said Nils was just influenced by media he saw! That may be the case for the in canon explanation for the character, but Psychonauts doing this really neglects what is actually going on. Kids can be exposed to these movies and can be influenced by them, but when it comes to actually wanting to see it physically instead of just on a screen leans more towards darker implications. Going back to my work of Camp Counseling, kids who barely know what adult type things are and who learn a little bit, tend to gossip about it. Nils doesn't. Nils specifically tries to keep other kids away from what he's doing cause he knows it's wrong. He is isolating himself, possibly because someone else influenced him to make that choice.

Number 5. Do you REALLY think DoubleFine thought that this kid would go through that?! No. I don't believe that DoubleFine wrote this character with that in mind. However, given my own experience with kids, all points seem to lead to my conclusion. I really feel uncomfortable, and yet sad around Nils Lutefisk. Every interaction that's supposed to be a "haha gotcha, he's so silly, liking girls so much," becomes something incredibly uncomfortable for me for someone who has seen kids suffer repercussions once they've understood what they went through.

Number 6. Why bring this up at all? I started writing this essay around the time where people went from hating Dion, to vehemently defending him. And at the same time I didn't see the same for Nils Lutefisk. Nils had been recontextualized, sure, but no one really went into the fact that there's a lot of dark themes in Psychonauts, and reforming a character who in context I think has less defense for his actions. It felt bad to me cause... Nils was kind of a character who the more I watched the more I felt for. To see him used as a simple gag, made me realize that not a lot of people know the signs of these actions until it is too late.

To reiterate my points, I believe that Nils Lutefisk's writing points to the caricature of a kid going through SA and I find it scary that I feel like I'm the only one who sees this because of my work and that no one in the fandom seems to acknowledge this, let alone the games using it for humor. I think it's something that should at some point, allow people to realize: "hey wait this is actually a really destructive behavior and it's NOT just because the kid watched R rated movies. There's something that leans towards worse going on." This writing leans towards things that are signs in the real world that people just don't see. Or worse, refuse to acknowledge for fear of repercussions.

[lyricsiamgoingcrazy]

How do I meet the strangest men?

They always seem to find me

Remember that time way back when I

Kissed a guy who ate his women friends?

Now only dogs will follow me

(is he following?)

I bite at the hand that feeds me

Slap at the face that eats me

Some kind of animal cannibal

Made impressions on me

Have we met before?

(Possibly in Michigan)

In some strange department store

(We won’t see him anymore)

Who knows how some people turn to strange ones?

Is it up to me to make them into dead ones?

(Here we go again)

[Betrayed and eaten, who can you trust when surrounded by dogs? The feeling of revenge takes over you. How dare they, the dirty ones, lay a finger on you?]

[byrdtrollsunoreversearchive]

Tragedy

“You’ll be at the academy?” She says, suddenly, as if this wasn’t part of the plan, fear dancing on her face. “You’ll be looking through the academy records?” 

“I’ll be fine. I can handle my damn self” You insist, know it was coming but bristling anyways. 

“Hanagi” she says, glancing down the hallway, hands gripping her arms nervously. “Let’s call it off. Let’s quit.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You can’t- just let me do it! This wasn’t the plan” she says. 

“That limeblood you wanted to save so bad is counting on me! I can handle walking around a fleet building. YOU however are supposed to be dead.” You say back. “Your dad will be there the whole time.”

“There’s-“ Monark chokes. Glancing to the side.

“She’s gone,” You say. “She's not gonna hurt you. And she’s not gonna hurt me” You reassure. 

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” she says, wiping her face. 

You stare at the highblood, losing her reasoning. “What are you worried about?” You ask. Bluntly. 

“In those files-Nandors account, there is” She breathes. “Footage of me. And things. You can’t see”

“What things?” You ask. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it” she stutters. “Just let me-“ 

“No, Bee, what THINGS” you hiss. “Because I thought I already knew the worst. Intimately, I thought I knew the worst of you. And there are more THINGS?” You accuse. 

She blinks back tears, unable to meet your eyes.

“Don’t make me say it” she says. 

“I wanna know what I’m getting into” you say stubbornly, brain dancing wildly with images of imagined transgressions bad enough to warrant such a reaction, hemophobia and murder and all manner of fleet awfulness, you wonder for the fiftieth time if you’re doing the right thing by being here. By aligning yourself with her. 

Monark gives a tiny hiccup into her own hand. “Please,” she says. “Please understand. I was so lonely. And young. And afraid. I wanted to be loved. I’d do anything” she sobs. You do not answer. Not ready to offer forgiveness when you’re not yet sure what you’re forgiving. In the ever cascading row of dominos that Twitch Monark was these past few sweeps, what does she consider her ‘first’ transgression?

.

.

.

.

.

She is shaking like a leaf. Quivering like a skeletal, crumbling, ghost of a girl. She does not look you in the eye. She keeps her hands together tightly clasped, like a prayer, or a soldier at attention. Her speech has been rehearsed in the mirror a million times. It does not make it any easier. She has to pause, and start over again, many times during it. Yet somehow manages to slowly move forward, it spilling out like a cracked safe that’s been held so tight to her chest for so long. A secret kept so deep, she had given everything to hide it. 

She had taken it literally to her grave. 

She had let her whole life fall apart to bury this in a locked box in the coffin at the bottom of the sea but whatever she’s trying to keep down isn’t dead yet. It’s knocking on boarded up walls and thrashing in the basement. It could consume her at any moment. It already has. As she speaks, your worries on whether or not she’s changed, whether you were wrong slip from you. 

She is the same girl she ever was. She has been since she was a child. Slowly, Monark tells you- just what exactly Elenor Nandor did to her. 

This is the part where she keeps speaking.

This is the part where I typed a quotation mark, but could not bring myself to actually imagine the words coming out of her mouth. Could not picture these as real sentences, could not make them quotable, could not step that close to this hurt. I hope you can forgive me for the subsequent lack of punctuation. 

She was nice to me, she describes. She told me I was smart. She told me I was strong. She told me I was talented. She gave me privileges the other soldiers didn’t get. She stopped in on my classes. More and more frequently. She called me to her office at odd times of the day. She said she wanted to tutor me privately. She gave me gifts. 

She made things more difficult for me. She said I had to prove myself. She set me up in fights she knew I’d lose. She hurt me. She told me I had beautiful eyes.

Bee describes to you, and your heart sinks into a desolate cavern, imagining what this must have done to the mind of awkward, socially inept Twitch, so desperate to be loved and accepted by her peers. So prone to paranoia and fear. There’s a tiny ringing in the back of your ear. A symphony of alarm bells whirring up at a funerals pace. As she lists through the red flags you can see crystal clear, but that young, naive cadet couldn’t. The pieces of a puzzle you didn’t even know needed solving falling together one by one, with a horrible methodology and precision. This answer is simpler, plainer, and crueler than you could ever imagine. You realize, with dawning horror, you already know it will get worse from here. You didn’t want to believe it could get worse than here. You didn’t want to believe the world could be more selfish and awful and fucked than it already was. 

But sometimes, something ceases to be a metaphor for something, and simply is. 

Sometimes, you start writing a story about yourself, and you do not realize it is a story about yourself, until the very end. 

Bee tells you, in detached, clinical terms, like a state mandated apology, she narrates with no tone in her voice, what Nandor did to her. In her office, in the training rooms, when Peonie left the room. 

And then she told me it was my fault, she says. That I had seduced her and acted inappropriate. That if anyone knew, they would be ashamed of me. That I was awful, and sick, and depraved, and they would blame me if they knew. 

And I believed her.

I wanted to tell someone, she chokes through a veil of tears. I wanted it to stop. 

But I was so scared. 

That I had done something wrong. 

And I didn’t want everyone to hate me. 

And I’m sorry. 

In a move utterly unlike Hanagi Cheong, you grab her by the shoulders, and pull her into a hug. Your powers buzzing with her emotion as her arms close around her, she freezes, and you feel a fraction of the guilt, fear, and shame Monark has been carrying for sweeps, a woman grown up around a knife in her back. You struggle to steady your breathing as the emotion crashes over you, trying to focus, trying not to get lost, in that gargantuan weight. A talisman that could drag you to the bottom of the sea if you let it. 

You tell her, just this once, 

“That’s not your fault” you say. 

“Listen to me- that wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” You choke. “She was manipulating you, and using you, and trying to keep you quiet, and what she did was unfathomably wrong, and selfish, and cruel, and you didn’t deserve it, do you understand?”

Slowly, she crumples into you, arms raising to hug you back, she cries into your shoulder. Softly, quietly. This tangled knot of distrust, paranoia, and self hatred, the marked scars of carrying this alone for so long are fresh within her. But as she falls into you, you feel the barest hints of a tentative, cautious relief shimmer at the edges of her mind. As she lets your words course through her. It is not your fault.

How many times?

Have you sat and watched the world destroy someone. Have you watched a system older than time erode away the edges of someone you loved. Hurt them. Hurt them irrecoverably. Hurt them deeply. Hurt them unfairly. Hurt them just because it can. 

How many times?

How many times?

How many times?

How many times?

How many times?

Six sweeps ago, you made a promise. I’m better than this. You said. I’m never gonna kill someone. I’m not gonna let it get to me. When the time comes, I’m gonna be the guy that offers a hand. 

And you kept that promise. 

A straw doesn’t break a camel's back. 

A thousand straws break a camel. 

Everything that came before it wore down the edges of you. 

A million lives destroys a person's soul. Your hands were gripped tight to the edges of that promise. Your fingers were breaking, holding on so tight to that promise. 

There is nothing the system can’t take from you. There is no forgiveness, it can't turn against you. It can’t use to hurt you. Because it was built to punish people who care. 

Like a sigh older than time. A breath you’ve been holding for ages. You let your hippocratic oath go. You exhale the ashes of the girl you used to be.

You give up on the dream. 

You stop believing, you will live to see a better world. 

It’s not giving up- 

It’s a truth you wanted so desperately to ignore. It’s not a reason to stop fighting. 

It’s a reason to fight harder. 

Don’t you get it? 

This…

…is it. 

This world, exactly as it is, is all you have. 

This painful, complicated life. 

This never ending gun to your head. This planet that is drowning, has been drowning, in a fight older than you, a fight that has taken trolls better than you. This place that is so broken- so deeply broken. This tangled, fucked up ball of hurt and pain and anger and greed. A planet that is drowning in blood. 

This is all you have. 

You get one whisper, one moment in the winds of time. 

You get one life. 

And life is hard. 

And it will be hard

And has been hard

It will be hard for your children

It will be hard for your children’s children.

You cannot finish the work. 

But by g-d, you are not exempt from it. 

This has always been bigger than you. 

This has always been hopeless out of your control. 

But you’re here, right now. You are alive. 

And you can do something. 

Right now, you can do something as simple as take another person's hand. 

It doesn’t matter if this is ‘enough’. It doesn’t matter if it will never get fixed. It doesn’t matter if you’re fighting for a happily ever after that might not come for 1000 sweeps. 

…It doesn’t matter if you’re fighting for a happily ever after that might not come at all. 

There is never an ounce of relief that is so small it cannot be shared. 

There is never a fragment of hope too minuscule to change a person from the inside out. 

Bee Monark wakes up feeling rested for the first time in sweeps. 

In the fading beams of the sunset, she drags herself out of bed. Brushing her teeth, 

washing her face,

bringing a comb through her hair. 

She is the first to make it to the coffee machine, the thing whirring as she flicks the power on. 

You are already awake when she makes it back to bed with a mug in hand. You are simply laying with your eyes closed. 

She gently touches your shoulder, rousing you.

And your hand fumbles for your glasses on the nightstand. 

You squint at her, reading her lips as you have not yet put in your hearing aid. 

“Hanagi look” she says, with a soft smile, tipping over her mug to show you.

“I got it,” she says. “I got it perfectly.”

[blkkizzat]

you’re writing a hills have eyes choso? I’m a fan of your stuff but is that not a bit distasteful considering both movies the antagonists rapes the women?

um chile, where did i say choso was going to SA the reader? Not all the mutants were bad in those movies and knowing who choso is why would you assume he would be a bad one?

i'm essentially just taking the concept of cannibal desert mutants and just making it a choso x reader fic like people with the concepts of ghostface, werewolves, serial killers, etc, etc that we see all the time and those characters mutilate, kidnap, murder, torture, etc.

It's all fucked up irl. but its fiction and what i'm writing is fiction too.

i say in my byf/rules while i do dubcon/noncon i don't do violent noncon. i also say in my kinktober warnings any noncon the reader will end up enjoying and being okay with, so please read my rules/warnings if you have any questions as to what i will/won't write.

[blusical]

okay but seriously though. Is there a possibility that bowman has actually done work to make up for his mistakes? yeah. there is always that possibility. Does that mean he should be immediately hired? no. now don't get me wrong, i am all for giving people second chances. we all fuck up at some points. many of our favorites do. however, i will admit, when it comes to situations like sexual assault and abuse (or in this case covering up abuse), it's a bit more complicated (especially as a survivor myself). Now. I will give credit where credit is due; both Bowman and Jackson have been in contact with Beach (With Beach allegedly approving of the hiring) which is good to see. Also worth noting, Sheldon Kennedy, who was abused himself by Graham James, supports Bowman's return.

However, I do think this is something we should hear from Beach himself. Although considering the stress he probably dealt with during the scandal and speaking out, combined with how ruthless some hockey fans can get (especially online), I personally wouldn't blame him for not making a public statement.

Now with that out of the way, none of that changes the fact that Bowman did what he did. It's not going to make what he did okay. Also, keep in mind that there's still another lawsuit Chicago is facing as well, and possibly many more victims out there too, and who knows how they might be feeling right now.

I know people are bringing up the fact that he was also just... really bad as a GM (Which was definitely true, Hawks fans can vouch for this one). But that's not the fucking point here. That's not the problem. The problem is that he ruined a person's life all for the sake of a cup. In terms of forgiveness, that's up to Beach and the other victims, not us. However, we cannot deny that this was a bad decision, especially in the midst of another lawsuit against Chicago, and especially when the OILERS PLAYERS WEREN'T EVEN NOTIFIED ABOUT THIS. Again, I'm all for second chances. And if Beach is okay with this hiring, then great! But even then, we cannot deny the harm he's caused. Just because Beach and Kennedy are okay with the hiring doesn't mean other survivors will feel the same way. And honestly, I feel like in a situation like this, this is something you should give your players a heads up about.

Now, I'm not entirely confident the Oilers will drop Bowman (Keep in mind they still have Evander Kane). However, with the amount of backlash they've gotten, I see no reason why they shouldn't reverse this decision, and there's a slim chance with enough of our rage, we can make them reconsider. (Remember, Boston dropped Miller after both fans and players criticized the signing!). Should Bowman stick around though, we should make sure what he's done is not swept under the rug and forgotten. Nothing will make this okay.

[tangerinecherrygal]

TW: Discussion of SA

authors loooove to use SA as a phoenix moment for character growth, when it’s really not. not at all.

SA survivors shouldn’t be expected to grow from an experience that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. people can definitely grow from the experience through dealing with the trauma, but at the end of the day it’s not just a plot point. it’s a horrible thing that nobody should ever have to go through no matter what. nobody should have to work through their trauma from this bc it. shouldn’t. happen.

there are other things that can drive growth and to paint SA as the only way to achieve that (it happens to female characters especially) is doing a huge disservice to the readers and most importantly the survivors.

[gaybeanwhowatches]

My favourite sweater has blood stains on the inside

I think about this a lot, the sweater that provides me comfort has marks of every time the world got too much

I haven't even healed yet, it still will be stained red