#pmdd be gone! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

honest-moth-of-silver-grove · 1 month

Text

BG3 Companions (& Halsin) Realizing That Their GN! Tav Might Have PMDD

Characters: GN! Reader! Tav; Astarion; Gale; Wyll; Shadowheart; Karlach; Lae’zel; Halsin

Pairing(s): None, but it’s written as All Companions x Tav so if you have a romanced companion you prefer, you can imagine they have most of Tav’s favor.

A/N: This is a highly indulgent imagine that absolutely NO ONE asked for (besides me lol) but I felt compelled to write it because I’ve been really struggling lately with some extreme PMS symptoms for the last few months or so. I don’t have a PMDD diagnosis yet or anything, but in looking up my symptoms I read about it and wanted to write this comfort piece for it. I kept Tav as gender-neutral as possible in this, but they do have a very active and very angry uterus in this.

TW: Discussion of Menstruation (Bleeding, Cramps/ Abdominal Pain), PMS, and PMDD Symptoms (Including Depression & Thoughts of Suicide) [Note: No one actually says ‘PMDD’, or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder but that is the syndrome implied]; Brief Mentions of Sex (also small text)

Word Count: 3.7k

“Have any of you seen Tav lately?” Astarion asked, coming to sit next to a handful of his fellow companions seated around their camp’s fire.

“Why? Has something else gone wrong?” Shadowheart teased back from where she lay against a log, a goblet of half-drunk wine in her hand. “Or perhaps, you’re looking for a bite to eat?”

“Ha-ha,” Astarion mock laughed. “‘Bite,’ because I’m a vampire, how hilarious Shadowheart.”

“I don’t know Astarion,” Gale countered from where he was perched on the other side of the former Sharran devotee, “I’d wager you secretly found it rather punny.”

“Ugh,” Astarion wrinkled his nose at Gale’s words, failing to hide the amused smile that graced his lips. “Honestly Gale, as if the orb isn’t enough.”

Astarion, having lost interest in sitting next to his companions, settled for standing, crossing his arms, and jutting out one hip in his signature semi-annoyed pose.

“Come now Astarion, you can’t say Gale’s love for language comes as a surprise,” Wyll joined the conversation, sheathing his blade after having used Lae’zel’s whetstone to sharpen it. “Why I’d wager even Lae’zel can attest that in the farthest reaches of the Githyanki galaxy, the repetition of a wizard’s sharpened tongue precedes them.”

Lae’zel huffed affirmatively, taking the opportunity to sharpen her sword. “Tchk. The Blade is right. It is no secret that wizards cannot help but run their mouths.”

Karlach, having been seated quite literally in the middle of the conversation, from where she lay next to the campfire flames, burst out laughing, sitting up with a start.

Shadowheart and Astarion couldn’t help but chuckle as well.

Lae’zel’s eyes glowered as she looked at her other companions. “I do not see the cause for such antics”

“Yes! Thank you Lae’zel!” Gale spoke up, wagging a finger in protest at the display of his friends. “A wizard’s intellectual prowess is no laughing matter.”

“That which you discuss has yet to be seen.” Lae’zel rebuffed Gale yet again.

“Pfft!” Shadowheart nearly choked on her drink as Karlach resumed her boisterous laughter, Wyll joining in this time as well.

“Enjoying a night of merriment, are we?” Halsin’s deep voice cut through the laughs, his large form coming into view as the Druid emerged from the tree line. Shirtless, and still dripping, his presence brought a warm air to the camp, despite the night’s chilled air.

“We certainly are now,” Astarion purred, admiring the druid’s half-naked form.

“Mhhm,” Shadowheart took another sip of her wine. “For once, Astarion, I’d have to agree.”

Completely comfortable in his nudity, and unintimidated by the other’s ogling, Halsin strutted confidently over to where his fellow companions had gathered around the fire. “I had just finished bathing when Tav came to the lakeside. Said they were going to take a bath to unwind before bed.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t ask you to join them,” Astarion mused, eyes still raking up and down Halsin’s sculpted form.

Halsin gave a half smirk at the compliment, but his mood remained subdued. “They seemed upset. I offered to stay with them, even just to chat, but they insisted they wished to be left alone.“

Frowning, Gale scanned the faces of his companions, looking for a negative reaction, finding a similar dower one had made its way across Wyll’s and Karlach’s features.

Looking to Karlach for solidarity, Wyll spoke up first: “Has anyone noticed Tav to be much more despondent as of late?”

Karlach nodded. “Yesterday as well. Hells, it’s so odd to see them so down in the dumps. They’re usually leading the charge in making sure the rest of us are happy.”

“Has something changed? Perhaps Raphael contacted them yet again?” Gale supposed.

Shadowheart shook her head. “Not that I know of. Besides, even if he did, this feels too familiar to just be a coincidence.”

Lae’zel resheathed her newly sharpened blade before stalking over to the Selunite priestess. “Tchk. If you have something to share ghustil, say it outright.”

Shadowheart rolled her eyes at the quarrelsome nature of Lae’zel’s words but continued speaking nonetheless. “If I recall correctly, a similar thing happened a while back, a few weeks perhaps.”

“Yes,” Wyll joined. “I remember Tav crying after one of our battles.”

“Come now,” Gale countered. “That’s hardly a mystery. It’s completely understandable why they might break down every now and then. It’s been a hard few months, even for a leader as strong as Tav.”

“Perhaps,” Wyll relented. “Although, I can’t recall Tav giving a specific reason for their meltdown.”

“‘Reason’?” Asatrion scoffed. “How about the fact that we’re all infected with Mindflayer parasites which could hatch at any moment? On top of which we are expected to destroy this Absolute death cult, lest all of Baldur’s Gate be turned into a tentacle wasteland!”

“It is enough to make one’s blood run cold.” Gale agreed.

“I do think Shadowheart may have a point.” Halsin put his two cents in. “I do recall around two months ago, Tav coming to me for healing, relief for abdominal cramps.”

“Oh, well that settles it, doesn’t it? It’s merely that ‘time of the month’, rather unfortunate and annoying, but hardly devastating for our capable leader.” Astarion sounded unconvinced, as he looked down to admire his recently shaped fingernails.

Halsin shook his head. “I sensed there was more they wished to request aid for. They were holding something back. What exactly and why, I am unsure.”

“Maybe they’ve just got a tough go of it. I know my whole body was thrown entirely out of whack waking up in Avernus. It took years for me to feel like myself again.” Karlach gestured at her many scars as she did so.

All the time, Lae’zel had been listening intensely, a curious look across her face. “What is this ‘time of the month’?” She repeated. “Is it another,” she paused, making sure to pronounce the following word right, “Tiefling trait?”

Karlach shook her head. “We’re not exempt from it,” she replied honestly. “But no, it’s not just tieflings.”

“You mean to tell me that female Githyanki don’t have periods?” Shadowheart asked, having thrown all her pretenses out along with the last of her wine.

“As I have said before ghustil, we do not become parents through sex. When it is time, we are chosen by Vlaakith to lay the eggs of our young.”

“And this, ‘egg-laying’, as you call it… it, isn’t um, gender specific?” Gale, ever the wizard, just had to know.

“No. Sex is irrelevant. The only thing of importance is whether you are called by Vlaakith to bear that which houses her future children.”

“... Right,” Gale answered, feeling rather queasy. “I think that’s all I’d like to know if you don’t mind.”

“Can we please get back to the point?” Astarion interrupted, rather impatient. “Tav is spiraling or having a mental breakdown or something, and apparently, only the Cleric and Druid noticed, how cliche.”

“Alright, Astarion. What do you suggest?” Wyll asked.

“Well, obviously we need to find out what’s wrong with them so we can fix it.”

“If it is this ‘time-of-month’, then why not stop it before it comes? You know when it nears, why not strike it down before it starts?” Lae’zel suggested, still not fully understanding what a ‘period’ was for a human.

“That may not solve all the difficulties Tav is experiencing.” Halsin finally pulled his shirt back over his head, much to the others' collective disappointment. “There is more, although I am uncertain if I should share it, as Tav shared it with me in confidence.”

“If it could help us help Tav, perhaps it is best to share this once?” Gale suggested. “Normally, I’m not one for shifting loyalties, but I too, have some things I think it’s better I share with the group.”

“Now that you mention it, I do recall Tav saying something off-color last night,” Astatrion added.

“What did they say?” Karlach asked.

“They mentioned they had been feeling rather down. Really down. So down, that they, well…” Astarion gave an exasperated huff, clearly uneasy with the topic. “...Tav said that sometimes, they feel like giving up.”

“What did you tell them?” Wyll asked, encouraging Astarion to go on.

“I said of course they feel like that! I mean who wouldn't? Between the Mindflayer parasites, the constant goblin attacks, the thieves, and the looming threat of this Absolute Cult, who wouldn't want to lie down for a few hundred years or so?”

“I must admit, Tav’s confession to me a few months back was similar in nature,” Gale attested. “They expressed how defeated they felt as if nothing they did mattered. All the battles, all the small victories, it didn’t change anything. The Absolute was still going strong, the threat of the world’s end still looming… They asked me if any of it was worth it.”

Halsin nodded. “I fear I was told more of the same. Tav divulged that they sometimes wondered if I, if we, would fare better on our journey without them.”

A silence fell over the companions, a cerebral, unsettling kind of silence, the kind one could feel resonating, laden within one's bones.

“Shit,” Karlch said, the first to speak. “I mean, I knew they were upset sometimes, but I just figured we all were.”

“Halsin,” Shadowheart started, gently. “When Tav told you they thought we’d be better off without them, what did you say?”

“I embraced them and told them that in no uncertain terms, we needed them to lead us. I reminded Tav how amazing they are, and how, even though they themselves cannot see it, they are truly a marvel to behold. I expressed gratitude for them saving The Grove, for making peace between the tieflings and the druids.”

Wyll nodded along to Halsin’s words, recalling all that he and Tav had managed to accomplish together in such a short time, despite all the odds stacked against them.

Halsin cleared his throat, swallowing down an ardent wave of emotion that threatened to escalate before he continued: “Lastly, I told them how I felt about them, how we all felt about them, and that should they ever require reminding, they need only ask.”

From where he stood, Astarion sulked, a guilty expression making its way across his face. “I, I didn’t know. Godsdammit! I should have seen…”

“You cannot blame yourself Astarion.” Halsin did his best to assure his pale elf friend. “Even with Tav’s confession, I fear I did not heed their words the way I should have. Perhaps if I connected the dots more quickly, if I recorded the dates of their depressive episodes, we could have come to this conclusion weeks ago.”

“What conclusion is that exactly?” Lae’zel enquired. “You say it is not this ‘time-of-month’, and yet, you make no other claims. What cause do you reference?”

“It’s rare, but sometimes it happens that a human’s reproductive organs seemingly conspire against them,” Gale answered. “Well, more than is to be expected, I should clarify.”

“Ah. So it is inferior istik reproductive organs to blame for our dear leader’s shakiness. Then perhaps they need be cut out.”

“Lae’zel!” Gale gasped.

Lae’zel crossed her arms as if to say ‘what’?

“It needn’t come to that,” Halsin cut in, diffusing the situation. “That is not to say it’s not a possibility, but only in the most dire and extreme cases.”

“Yes,” Shadowheart agreed. “And despite my being a cleric and Halsin being a druid, neither one of us is qualified for such procedures.”

Lae’zel took a moment to process their words. “Indeed, I see. In that case, it is wise that that scalpel-wielding bard is not currently accompanying us. Vlaakith knows his surgical skills are nothing more than mere talk, given his removal of Tav’s eye.”

“... Is that a joke?” Astarion asked, dumbfounded at Lae’zel’s choice of deadpan delivery amid such a dire discussion.

“Do not look so surprised shka'keth, I am considered most humorous amongst my people.”

“You know what?” Wyll butt in, “That, I do believe.”

Astarion scoffed. “Well, perhaps, Lae’zel could use her humor to cheer Tav up. Unless any of you have any other ideas?”

“I think perhaps it would be better for us to sit Tav down for a heart-to-heart. Remind them how much they mean to us.” The Blade of Frontiers did not beat around the bush.

“I agree,” Halsin seconded. “Perhaps the message coming from us all would be better received than it was coming from me alone.”

“It’s worth a try,” Karlach agreed. “Gods know we care about them. And there’s no way we would have gotten this far without them.”

“The tiefling is right. Tav may be istik, but they are still our leader.” Lae’zel spoke up, roused by her companions' sudden ire. “We have a duty to them to finish this, to cleanse these parasites from our bodies and destroy The Absolute.”

Shadowheart sighed, before righting herself and walking over to Lae’zel’s side. “If Lae’zel’s in, then I might as well join. Wyll, what about you? Up for an intervention?”

Wyll looked at Karlach, catching her eye. Following a triumphant smirk from Karlach, the duo nodded their respective affirmations before joining Halsin, Astarion, Lae’zel, and Shadowheart where they stood.

And that just left…

“Gale? Care to join us? Or will you be too busy pinning over your ex-goddess girlfriend?” Astarion ribbed.

Gale shook his head, Astarion’s antics not being a new experience for him at all.

“I’m not pining, and, even if I were, Tav is much more important at the moment. Why, in fact,” Gale’s voice got quieter, more serious, “Some nights I fear I would give up The Weave, hells, even eternity if it meant Tav would be happy.”

No one else said anything in response, they didn't need to. It was clear to all of them, that they all loved Tav deeply, even on the days, or weeks Tav couldn't find any love for themselves.

“Do you think Tav would be done bathing by now? Not that I’d mind getting a little peak, though I’m not sure how they’d feel about that.” Astarion mused.

“Astarion,” Wyll warned.

“I’m only kidding. Mostly.”

“I’m sure they’ll be back shortly. Let us prepare what we wish to say so that when they do arrive-” Halsin started, but was cut off by a rustling coming from just beyond the treeline.

“Wait,” Tav’s voice cut through the air, a welcome bit of color amidst an otherwise chilly night, “Who’s arriving?”

“Tav!” The companions turned in shock, feeling sheepish, as if they had just been caught in the act.

“We were hoping you’d return soon,” Shadowheart admitted.

“There are some things we’d like to discuss,” Gale added.

Tav pinched the bridge of their nose. “Dammit Astarion, did you go around trying to bite everyone again? We’ve talked about this.” They let out an exasperated sigh.

“What? Why-?! How dare you accuse me of such a thing!” Astarion puffed his chest up, making himself appear larger. “I’ll have you know we were actually discussing-”

“We’re worried about you soldier,” Karlach interrupted Astarion’s indignant outburst. “We see how hard this has been on you, on all of us.”

“We want you to know,” Wyll continued the sentiment for her, “That we care about you. And whatever hardships you endure, we’ll endure them with you.”

“Oh.”

Their companion’s words stopped Tav dead in their tracks.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. And um, that’s really sweet of you. It’s just,” Tav frowned, “How do I put this? Um… As far as The Absolute and the Mindflayers are concerned, I’m grateful for your help, I am, really. But there are just some things that are-”

“Private,” Astarion finished for Tav. He walked over to Tav, before lowering his voice, speaking only to them. “I think you know,” he whispered, his expression suddenly melancholy, “Better than anyone, why each one of us knows how you feel.”

And with that, the damn burst, Tav simply couldn't hold it in any longer.

Their face contorted. They bit their lip before their mouth turned upside down, their nose wrinkled, and their eyes began to water.

“It’s just been so hard!” Tav cried, their own voice barely more than a whisper. “And just when I think things are okay, that I’m finally better, it all just comes crashing down around me again!” Tav sobbed, their arms dropping to their sides in defeat.

Moving to comfort them, Astarion placed a tentative hand on their shoulder, gently patting Tav with a ‘there-there’. His eyes darted back to his companions, a begging, uncomfortable look evident on his face.

Karlach moved first, coming to Tav’s side opposite Astarion. Despite her engine being temporarily fixed, she knew her skin was still hot to the touch. Still, Karlach hoped her closeness would be its own comfort.

“We’ve got you soldier.” Karlach wrapped the end of her tiefling tail around Tav’s calf. “Just let it all out, it’s okay.”

Tav sobbed even harder at her words, pulling a rather flustered Astarion in for a tight embrace.

“Ah. A little help over here!” Astarion whispered harshly past Tav’s ear, their face wedged between his arms and chest, and their tears and snot beginning to dampen his shoulder.

Shadowheart chuckled, amused that despite him being such a flirt when he wanted, Astaron was still rather unfamiliar with the more platonic, or should she say, non-sexual forms of intimacy. “Step aside.”

Moving over to the huddle sandwich that was Astarion, Tav, and Karlach, Shadowheart wedged her way in between Astarion and Tav. “Just try not to drool too much on my top. It is leather after all.”

“Tchck, Shadowheart.” Lae’zel chided. She walked over to the huddle, standing a safe six inches away, her arms crossed and brows furrowed. “Clothes are meaningless compared to a fellow soldier.”

“I’m surprised I find myself agreeing, but Shadowheart, Lae’zel does have a point,” Gale concluded. “Tav’s emotional state is much more important than any item of clothing, or inanimate object.”

“Says the wizard who eats shoes,” Astarion ribbed from under his breath.

Gale clicked his tongue at the vampire spawn’s remark, but otherwise paid his pale companion no mind.

“Besides,” Gale continued, undeterred. “I can always do another load of laundry. Should you ever need a shoulder to cry on, know that mine will always be available, tears or otherwise.”

Tav nodded, enthusiastically grateful, switching from Shadowheart’s shoulder to Gale’s.

Sighing, as the cool purple velvet rubbed against their cheek, Tav began to slow their breathing, gaining better control of the sobs that had previously uncontrollably wracked their body.

“We may not know exactly what it is you’re going through, but that doesn’t make you any less of a leader worthy of our time and affection,” Wyll spoke up as he came to join the hug pile. “And sharing your fears and sadness does not make you a burden, it makes you strong.”

Tav wailed once more, nodding emphatically as they did so. Deep down, they knew all that their friends had shared to be true, but they were not able to convince themselves of it on their own.

“And if this sadness of yours comes at the same time every month, it may indicate a hormonal condition. Should that be the case, there are many treatments and spells we can cast to ease your pain.”

“Really?” Tav asked through sniffles.

“Indeed,” Halsin nodded, having walked over to also join his gathered companions. “Although there is something simpler, something I always have readily available.”

“Don’t you dare—” Astarion started.

At the same time Lae’zel spoke her own words of protest: “Do it druid, and you may very well live to regret it.”

Tav ignored their outbursts and instead asked Halsin what he had in mind.

“This,” he said, before outstretching his arms and encompassing everyone in a great big bear hug.

Squished between their dear companions, their friends, their allies in this fight, and the next, Tav, for the first time in days, began to feel truly loved.

The world may have looked bleak and hopeless, and with a raging uterus, it may have looked even more so, but as long as Tav had their friends, they would never know true defeat.

…

Squashed between an equally irate Githyanki and a rather sentimental wizard, Astarion wriggled, trying to break free, but to no avail. Turning his head left to face his frog-esque friend, Astarion whispered threats under his breath.

“I say the next time he wildshapes into a bear, we put a pretty pink collar around his neck and march him into town as punishment.”

“Chk. I find that offer rather agreeable.”

“I dunno. I rather like this kind of medicinal approach.” Karlach said, feeling overjoyed to simply be touched.

“You know he can hear you, right?” Wyll, ever the pragmatist, spoke from across the expanse of Halsin’s broad chest in order to address Astarion.

Halsin nodded in the affirmative upon hearing Wyll’s words.

Astarion groaned. “Well, clearly he has now!”

“And here I thought vampires were stealthy.” Shadowheart teased.

“Oh, trust me, darling, all of your times shall come. Count on it!”

“Astarion?” Tav‘s muffled voice asked from where their face was squished into Gale’s chest.

Tav managed to pull their head away from Gale’s purple robe just long enough to give Astarion their best puppy-dog-eyed look. “Be nice? Pleaseeee?” They drew out the end of the ‘please,’ innocently batting their eyes as they did so.

“... Fine. But don’t get used to it,” Astarion resigned before tossing his hair. “I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Mhhm,” Tav agreed, putting their face back against Gale’s velvet-covered chest.

They knew this moment couldn’t last forever, and it certainly wouldn’t solve all their problems— mind flayers, hormones, or otherwise. But they could at least stay put like that for just a minute longer.

Or as a matter of fact? Make that two.

A/N 2.0: So there it is! I hope you enjoyed. This is definitely something I needed to read like two weeks ago, and also a month ago, and then the month before that lol.

After this, we are back to our regularly scheduled programming. I will make an upcoming ask list, just so everyone is clear as to what is up and coming.

As always Please Like, but most importantly, REBLOG!!!

(Reblogs mean more than Likes because they project my work to a larger audience.)

And If you like my work, Consider Buying Me A Coffee <3.

185 notes · View notes

thedomesticanthropologist · 8 months

Text

Another difficult night. I have PMDD and I'm heading into the Bad Times, which is always when my cravings in general go off the charts.

Today I ate half a can of sweetened condensed milk with a spoon. Yes. I'm admitting that. Yes that's.... that sure... is a thing I did.

But I want a smoke so bad 😩🍃

So then I grilled up a steak

And had so much coffee

And way too many naps

And two showers

Is this healthy coping? Ehhhhhh I'm gonna say given the circumstances, and the deep ends I've gone off in the past, this is an admirable.... uh... effort.

I'm trying

And I haven't had that smoke yet.

#pmdd #cannabis addiction #addiction recovery #21 days sober #sobriety #personal chaos #personal chatter

69 notes · View notes

dragjunkie23 · 1 year

Text

Please Come Home

Request: A lovely user wanted to see how Sam would handle a partner with PMDD, which is almost like PMS but a lot worse especially for those who have ADHD or other neurodivergent

Minors DNI

Warnings: Very emotional, angsty, fluffy

Three days

It’s been three whole days since Sam left with Dean to help with a case. I normally would go with them, but I decided to sit this one out and give myself a break as the recent jobs we had got me super exhausted.

However, the exhaustion was not just from the cases. My period also decided to show up, and normally I can ride it out the best I can, but having ADHD plus hormones running wild…it’s not a great mix to have.

The cramps I can handle. It’s the fact that Sam was gone that was getting to me.

I took one of his flannels he left behind in our shared room and would hold it as I fell asleep. It sounded dumb, but having this close to me was almost like Sam was here.

I couldn’t take it anymore after day three, though. I found myself waking up crying and every single little thing got to me. I tried to fix our AC unit but I kept dropping the screws. I wounded up crying for about 1 hour before I could finally pick myself back up.

I wanted Sam to come home, to wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything would be okay. It felt selfish to ask him to drop everything and come home, though. People’s lives were in danger and we were the only one who could help them.

I eventually swallowed my pride and decided to call Sam up. Maybe hearing his voice would make things better.

“Y/N?”

I tried to hold myself together as I didn’t want him to know I’ve been upset.

“Hey…baby…I just wanted to call and say hi,” I said.

“Well, hey to you too,” he said as I heard him smile, “What bought this on? Everything okay?”

“Yeah…I just miss you that’s all,” I said.

“I miss you, too, baby girl,” he said.

The moment those words came out of his mouth, the water works began as I started to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Baby?! You okay!?” he said in a panicked tone.

I didn’t know what came over me but I knew that there was no point in hiding it.

“Truth be told…no. I’m…I got my period shortly after you and Dean left, and it’s just been killing me. Every little thing gets me upset. I almost threw the toaster across the room because I burnt my toast…and I just wish you were here with me. I’m so lonely. I’m sorry…I didn’t…I know this job is important…”

“Hey hey, there’s not need to apologize,” he said, concern filling his voice, “Oh baby girl, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

All I could do was nod. It felt great getting it all out but I also felt guilty. “I’m not trying to guilt trip you…”

“Baby, deep breaths” he said, “Again, you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, I’m glad you told me this.”

There was a moment of silence before Sam told me to hold on a second. My heart was pounding a bit as I wondered what was going to happen next. Was he mad? Was Dean mad? So much anxiety ran through me as I waited for the next steps.

Finally, Sam picked the phone up. “You still there, sweetheart?”

“Yes,” I managed to say.

“Okay. I’m coming home right now. Garth is nearby anyways so he’s gonna help with the case.”

“Sam…no…”

“Y/N, it’s all fine. If it helps, Dean was the first to say that I should come home to you before I even asked. He also instructed me to bring you chocolate ice cream and to put my healthy eating habits aside for this.”

I smiled a little bit, feeling better knowing that Dean was on board. Still, the guilt lingered, but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about that.

“Get some sleep, sweetheart. I’ll see you in a bit.”

_______________________

3 Hours Later

I felt a little dip in our bed as someone sat down. Opening my eyes, I saw Sam looking at me with a sympathetic smile on his face.

He’s home.

I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face into his neck, letting out little tears.

“You’re back.”

“I told you I would be back,” he said.

He wrapped his arms around me, stroking my hair and rocking me back and forth to help soothe me. He whispered in my ear things like “Shhh, it’s okay, baby girl. Let it out. I’m home. You’re safe.”

After I calmed down, we both laid down on the bed, my upper body still on him as he continued to massage my head while rubbing my back.

“Can I ask…what bought this on?” he asked.

I shrugged. “It’s…not easy to explain Sam. I think in all honesty, it was a mix of pure exhaustion, the pain, and so much more. Normally I can take care of myself just fine, but…I don’t know. I’m sorry…that I made you leave…I wanted you to finish…”

“And I wanted to leave the moment I heard you crying. You didn’t make me leave, sweetheart. I wanted to get back here…I just needed to know that you were safe and that I could be there for you.”

I just nodded, not knowing what else to say. I wanted to apologize again, but I knew Sam would just tell me to stop apologizing.

“What…did Dean look like when you told him?” I asked.

“He looked scared, honestly,” he said, “When I told him what was going on, he was relieved that it was nothing serious, but insisted that I go and help you before I could ask.”

“You mentioned that on the phone,” I said.

“I know. Now, let’s get some rest, okay?”

I didn’t want to rest. I wanted to stay awake, enjoying Sam’s company. My body needed the rest, though, so I drifted off, finally having a dreamless sleep in the arms of the man I love.

#sam winchester #supernatural #sam winchester fluff #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester smut #adhd #sam winchester angst #sam winchester one shot #dean winchester #dean winchester fluff

244 notes · View notes

butterflyinthewell · 7 months

Text

Changes.

I cried out to my choir a few weeks back about what’s going on and Greg, who owns a home care company like Visiting Angels (but something else, like Care At Home), got in touch with my mom and literally donated a person’s help to us after seeing what a disaster our lives are. I’m still gobsmacked. This restored my faith in God caring when it was just about to fray apart. Maybe He realized He was going to lose me and reached out to prevent that.

So we have D coming over twice a week for a few hours. Mom showed him the ropes for how we deal with dad’s toileting and changing the chux pads on the bed since those are the biggest problem for mom since it hurts her back bending over to do that.

It’s not much, but mom can have a break since D will do things like bathing, toileting, stuff like that. If mom and I want to go out for a short time, we can. It’s Mondays and Wednesdays, but it’s something. I think it’s going to help in the long run.

Dad likes D, and D likes sports, so they’ll get along.

Moving on…

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. She wouldn’t diagnose me with PTSD even though I think I could have it, but she put me on Zoloft because she said it’s clear I have severe anxiety and depression, especially after I admitted to suicidal ideation. Zoloft treats things like anxiety, depression, ptsd and pmdd, so I think I’m covered there. She’s aware that my symptoms went away when my dad was gone in the rehab facility and that he’s the cause of it all, but because I can’t leave she felt it was best for me to get on meds so I can at least function again.

I took my first dose today and I intend to document my journey. Depression is nothing like I thought it was. It wants me to not care, wants me to think nobody else cares, wants me to stay silent, wants me to shrivel up, and sometimes I rage so hard I scare everybody around me.

But it wants me silent. I decided to talk instead.

The meds won’t show any change for a few weeks, so I don’t know what to expect or if I’ll notice a difference. So taking videos can also be a way to measure the changes. Most of my videos will probably be long and rambly because I’m incapable of being concise when I talk. Sorry.

I’m fighting for my life here and I’m scared.

Link under a cut so it doesn’t get pulled out of tags.

#actuallyautistic #depression #anxiety #meds #dad issues #ongoing drama in my house #AFBV

29 notes · View notes

soaps-mohawk · 6 months

Note

Sorry about that weird anon, are YOU okay? You can vent if you want. Public or privately

I mean, yeah could have gone without the "it was for someone else" bit like...I already know no one cares about me so 🤘 thanks for the reminder anon.

Anyway, meh. It's been a weird couple days. Waiting on my period to start and that PMDD is kicking my ass rn. I just want it to start so I can go back to being my normal level of depressed and anxious. At least I knew it was coming this time, so it was less of a whole ordeal.

I get to see my doctor like over a month earlier than I was supposed to tomorrow, so that'll be good. Finally get the ball rolling on some things. My appointment today got canceled last minute this morning, and that was the third time this person has canceled on me, so that's cool.

I'm making good headway on chapter 12 though, so that's good at least. Got the first draft done already.

Yeah. That's about it.

#i'm also feeling strange tonight is it a full moon?#answered

20 notes · View notes

vlerian-root · 26 days

Text

PMDD + transitioning

I don't know how to write this in a more poetic manner, but I would like to put some words out of my head and into (virtual) paper. Being trans has saved my life

Quite literally! I have a medical condition called PMDD, that has been undiagnosed for 17 years. It is a neurological sensitivity to changes in levels of estrogen in the blood. There is documentation out there, don't believe anything that says "it's like bad pms". It has nothing to do with pms. This is your brain being "allergic" to you getting your period, and causing havoc on any and all brain functions - like a russian roulette! It can affect your mood (in a good and bad way, usually very extreme), leaving you suicidal, violent, nonverbal, manic... It can be very painful - and not just in your head, with the typical migraines that last for days, but also on the rest of your body, or localized areas. I used to not be able to move my legs for days at a time. "Just pms" my ass. It can affect your memory. Long and short term memory, some parts of mine are just gone. Erased. Not coming back. They are big chunks too. It can affect you psychologically, in all the fun flavors that can have, like paranoia, obsession, depression, hypomania, dissociation... This usually lasts up to 10 days and ends when you get your period. Which is a hell of its own, so I have lost half of my time for the last few years, when it started getting really bad. It only got diagnosed for me when my psychologist noticed a pattern of me getting really bad every month around the same time. He assumed I knew this. I did not. Nobody had every mentioned PMDD, I didn't know it existed.

But here is where we get to the good part. I was in medical psychological therapy for something unrelated (OCPD, a personality disorder, although most of the symptoms got really bad with PMDD), and the psychiatrist assigned to me is an expert in this matter. He talked to me about the research he had done, and the research I had done while obsessively browsing the internet for any morsel of info I could get. So far any medical treatments had been from ineffective to making things a lot worse, so I needed to talk to someone who knew their stuff. And he did! But we found that since this is your body being "allergic" to a thing it naturally produces, and will continue to produce for at least another 20ish years, the best treatment was to stop that cycle. I had tried this before with my gyno. This went terribly bad. Twice. Or rather, it went great for 3 months, then worse than ever after that, and it became the new normal. It was hell. I was at a point where I couldn't have any sort of normal life. Half the time I would make projects and live happily by myself, and the other half I needed help to even walk to the bathroom because my head was about to explode, my legs didn't work, I wanted to jump out of a window, and I forgot about all my deadlines. Oh, and the muscle spasms that looked almost like seizures. This shit had cost me 90% of my social life, all of my professional life, and was now simply trying to take my life.

BUT!!! Did you know that if you remove the ovaries, the estrogen blood levels stop rising and falling? Did you know that triggers premature menopause? Did you know that testosterone is a very effective treatment of the side effects of menopause?

That was my whole approach, and my brilliant psychiatrist agreed it was a good one. To this day, he has been the only person to not question this decision even if it's pretty radical. He's the only one that has understood there is no sense in asking someone whose brain is killing them from the inside "are you sure you want to do that? you won't be able to turn back!". I'm aware you can't put the ovaries back in. But they are. Killing me. Driving me insane. Please.

It took me ages to find a doctor that would even contemplate doing this (quite simple) surgery. Every single one of them used the "but you are a woman of childbearing age, I can't do this in good faith" argument. Or the "I don't know about PMDD so I think you are lying" covered in sugary lies approach. It was hell.

In the end, I have gotten the surgery. I no longer have overies. I'm writing this weeks after it, and I can assure whoever is reading this that I no longer suffer - or will suffer - from PMDD ever again. Writing that feels so liberating... The kicker is that I wouldn't have been able to access any of this if I wasn't trans. Because PMDD is so badly researched and documented that even the doctors that specialize in the organs it affects think it's "bad pms". I had to say "but I am a trans man, this is very dysphoric". Then, and only then, would they give me T. I am not a trans man, just transmasc. I wanted to get healthy before transitioning, because it's not very great to be in an unstable mental state to handle the tsunami of changes and their (sometimes social) repercussions that come with it. But irony of ironies, the cure for 90% of my health issues has been transitioning.

OCPD has gotten easier to manage thanks to the emotional resilience I got on T (and what my therapist taught me) No ovaries mean no periods, which means no spending up to 2 weeks each month with my brain self destructing. No more memory loss, no more pain, no more spasms, no more migraines!!! No more dreading the days before the next T dose in case the previous one is a little too short (this has sent me to the ER before). No more pregnancy risk. No more depression, no more low energy, no more low libido, no more bullshit!!!! I am ME, inside and out, forever!!!!! I haven't felt like this since I was 14, and I'm 32 now! This is insane to think about @_@ It sucks that I had to lie to some doctors to get where I am today. But if I hadn't, I don't even know if I'd be here. It wasn't that big of a lie anyways (I hope). Feels bad to me, because I hate lying, but... no, I think this one was ok.

TL;DR: I have PMDD, meaning my brain is allergic to estrogen, so you can kind of say I was allergic to being a woman, and transitioning has saved my life ♥

If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm very sleepy and this probably makes very little sense, but my dms are open to any questions.

#pmdd #trans #testosterone #estrogen #transitioning #healthcare #it's not about insurance or money btw. im not form USA. my healthcare is free.#having to fend for yourself is hard but this was Nightmare Mode on steroids #pmdd is a fucking hellhole get that shit checked out. it has a cure. its drastic but it works.#this is just like my gluten intolerance but... it's coming from inside the house. ohno.

8 notes · View notes