#please dont read into any of this
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roppiepop · 10 months ago
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Who’s coming to the cookout?
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nightingale-sang · 2 years ago
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Pondering the Conceptual, "Love is Gore": A Triptych of Poems
CW: Blood/gore, body horror, cannibalism
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Hello I wrote these poems about love they're not very good but here they are anyway
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mossy-aro · 2 months ago
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ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.
when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!
that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.
but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!
joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.
and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.
tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.
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dukeofthomas · 4 months ago
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Here's my controversial opinion; if you're trying to write Bruce as a non-abusive, good parent, you should also write him respecting his kids' privacy, boundaries, and not stalking&surveying them.
#my dc posting#dc#batfamily#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#looking thru ur kids phone tracking them giving them no privacy etc etc is deeply damaging#but yall aint ready for the ''stalking is their love language' is super toxic' conversation </3#also can we retire the JL being completely chill about it. 'batman just knows things' not being bothered their secret identities were found#out etc can we. stop coddling the batfam#i just need someone anytime to please just call them out like 'hey dont fucking surveil me' like that is actually extremely unethical#and its frankly not hard to write a batman who doesnt invade his kids privacy n boundaries etc#controversially when reading fic where theyre supposed to be healthy n getting along i want to actually feel like its deserved n good for t#hem#instead of sitting there going 'woo thats toxic' 'oh that even worse' 'why are we passing over all that'. like i dont wanna be thinkin they#should go no-contact when its supposed to be fuffy n good :(#like if you can write away the hitting n other abuse why is this the one thing that just must always stay#like genuinely it aint hard to write a parent not stalking their children. actually maybe i should remind you all that stalking is not good#or funny#like i feel like w all the joking some of us are actually forgetting its not good. ever. like absolutely never dont stalk ppl#eh idk. this is why i cant stay in any one fandom too long bc i start developing Opinions which inevitably make me hostile to like#90% of the fandom's content 😔
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heartorbit · 9 months ago
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i'm sending this endless melody to a nameless you
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starkspi · 15 days ago
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From "Unadulterated Loathing" in which Charlie chains these two idiots accidentally together by @otsmosis (who made this comment at the end of the last chapter and inspired me to do whatever this is above)
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kkoct-ik · 2 months ago
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IT'S FINISHED! I'VE FINISHED IT!
for the past few months i've been putting together a guide for writers looking to make OCs who suffer from DID, since i have a personal investment in good representation and an absurd amount of autism. and today it is FINISHED!!
it's gone up on my neocities, but i really wanted to post about it too.
here's the link
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please check it out / bookmark it / share it if you're interested! if just one person finds this useful and makes art from it all my hours of hyperfixation will be worth. ok. love you
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taikk0 · 2 years ago
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the unspoken broflovski family curse
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aroaceleovaldez · 2 months ago
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Mark Oshiro confuses me a little bit not going to lie. In the press tour for the first book all they ever talked about was how Nico is their son and Will is fine I guess. Then they said like 2 weeks before TSATS came out that they didn't understand Will's character at all and it's one of the main reasons why Will has so little POV.
Possibly unpopular opinion but I don't think it's a good, encouraging sign when the writer admits to not really caring about the deuteragonist or not even having a sense of how to write them...
Yeah, no. If you have no interest in 1/2 of the POV characters of your book, you REALLY shouldn't be writing it (or at least, not have that be a main character). Especially when the main way TSATS could have been improved is if it was primarily Will-centric instead of Nico-centric. Will basically had next to no established character prior to TSATS! He was practically a blank slate! But all the new stuff we got for Will in TSATS was so clearly disinterested and had no regard for his previously established traits (or the established timeline/canon). Which is annoying because fleshing out Will would have been the PERFECT opportunity to actually incorporate a lot of the topics that Mark Oshiro specializes in as a sensitivity reader, which was the ENTIRE REASON THEY WERE BROUGHT ON AS A CO-AUTHOR!!!!
As TSATS stands, there is no reason for Mark Oshiro specifically to have been the co-author instead of someone else. It's so clearly just a PR move from RR following the huge backlash Rick received due to his response to criticism on how he wrote Piper and Samirah (and Reyna and etc etc). This was immediately following Rick saying he wasn't going to write what would become TSATS because "it [wasn't his] place to." Most of the topics that Mark Oshiro specializes in either weren't relevant at all to TSATS or written very poorly (to downright offensively) in TSATS, so either Mark Oshiro wasn't doing their job or was not able to do their job for some reason, but either way it basically makes the theoretical justification for Mark Oshiro being the co-author/sensitivity reader irrelevant.
With Will, it was HUGE fanon back in the day for him to be trans. Trans!Will and photokinesis!Will were basically the two biggest headcanons for him (both largely popularized by Cherryandsisters). We know Rick is aware of this old fanon because he canonized photokinesis!Will. If we had gotten trans!Will, that would have been great! And then made sense why we specifically got a trans co-author! (Instead, if anything, TSATS canonized Will being cis.) If we had gotten Will being latino, that would have been amazing!!!! And also then made sense as to why they chose Mark Oshiro for the job as a latinx author/sensitivity-reader, versus potentially choosing an Italian co-author since Nico being Italian/Venetian was emphasized so much in the book (and done poorly! Yknow what they could have done to fix that? GOTTEN A SENSITIVITY READER FOR IT)! Based on the themes and focuses actually present in the book, it would have been most logical to get a queer, neurodivergent, Italian co-author or sensitivity reader who specializes in those three topics at least. But we didn't! So why was Mark Oshiro chosen instead when they only specialize in one of those topics? PR reasons. It's blatantly entirely PR reasons and no actual thought or care was put into this book (or, likely, TSATS 2 either).
It doesn't help that we're also actively being told that the published version of TSATS was a rough draft. Or that their editor blatantly isn't doing her job. Or that "The Sun And The Star" was the working title that they just kept cause they didn't bother to make an actual title. And that the final version is full of explicitly last-minute scenes that weren't checked over at all (the final Bianca scene, for one). Or the ACTIVELY ADMITTING TO SOURCING IDEAS AND INFORMATION FROM FANS! That last one is kind of important because at this level of publishing that is a HUGE no-no for legal reasons. You can get into a lot of trouble for that and there is a reason why it is Ye Olde Fandom Law to never try to pitch your ideas or headcanons to the source creator(s) and keep fandom separate from the creators. There is a REASON why Rick Riordan is so distant from the community these days and it's for PROTECTION AGAINST LEGAL REPERCUSSION. Mark Oshiro being the exact opposite while also ACTIVELY ACKNOWLEDGING sourcing concepts from fans does not bode well! It has to do with copyright stuff.
It's just. So. Sighhhhhhhh >->o <- me lying on the floor about all of this. It's sad being able to see the glimmer of what could have been at the very least a decent book underneath all this. If anyone involved in the process had actually cared just the tiniest amount.
#pjo#riordanverse#tsats#the sun and the star#tsats crit#rr crit#mark oshiro#mark oshiro crit#< ?#ask#Anonymous#long post //#i wrote out a whole response to this and them tumblr deleted it. SIGH. re-writing.#sharking Mark Oshiro: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DEFEAT THE SITH NOT JOIN THEM!!!!!#i do also want to make it clear: i have not read Mark Oshiro's other work so i have no opinion on if they are a good writer or not#and that is irrelevant. i am not judging them based on that at all. if more of the topics that they specialize in as a sensitivity reader#had actually come up/been relevant in TSATS i think it would have been nice for them to have been the co-author and stuff#but as things stand based on what actually ended up being relevant in the book i think another co-author would have been appropriate#or even just. if you keep mark oshiro as the co-author then have *other* sensitivity readers#because as things stand the only specializations that Mark Oshiro has that were relevant in TSATS were mental health and queer topics#and BOTH WERE DONE POORLY. like REALLY BAD. plus the blatant ableism and minor racism and such#i know Mark Oshiro doesnt specialize in neurodivergent/disability topics (though a sensitivity reader for anything riordanverse SHOULD)#but they *do* specialize in racism and it got through. also the fact that blatant ableism got through should also be a bad sign#and yes ''respect the right for bad queer novels to exist'' BUT THATS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE. SMALL-SCALE.#thats for like. indie publishers. it should not be used as an excuse to let an extremely famous straight/cis author write bad queer stories#i want to like Mark Oshiro really really bad. i do. i really do. but RR is not making it easy#anyways after having to rewrite this i dont have the energy to proofread it more than once please excuse any errors
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ask2ps · 5 months ago
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I love 2p japan
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CHINA: 日本さえ恋がしたいということ、考えられないことではないねぇ。(It’s not unthinkable that even Japan would want love, right?)
JAPAN: 闭嘴。(Shut up.)
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fuutaprotectionsquad · 19 days ago
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Am I the only one who doesn't think Shidou's gonna snap at Amane? Like ive seen so many people taking his "it's my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way" line as indication that he's going to hurt her in some way and like?? What, is he not allowed to be annoyed that she's literally threatening him? That doesn't mean he's gonna beat her up. He literally follows this by saying "If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige." Aka "I'll continue as I have been." I don't think he's going to do anything to her. In fact, it'd be more in character if he let her kill him. Which, with the way he's making sure theres someone else to handle Mahiru + the kids if he's not there (Yuno / Kazui), it's totally possible he's preparing to die or be gravely injured by her.
I've seen a few people dismiss Amane's threats towards him because "if he can't defend himself against a child, thats on him" and I- Firstly, the victim blaming mentality on that one is baffling. Secondly, has Milgram taught you nothing about underestimating children?? And finally, Shidou still sees Amane as a kid, he's not gonna fight back. Do you know how hard a fight is when you're trying not to hurt the other person, who has a weapon and also will not hold back like you are? I'd imagine it's pretty difficult.
The Shidou hate has gotten so unreal its almost funny. Like the people saying he doesn't actually care about / value the opinions of children. As though he doesn't go out of his way to ask Muu how Haruka (a child) is doing because he's worried about him. As though he doesn't have two timeline conversations about how he believes children are hope for the future. As though he doesn't admit to being upset that Amane doesn't like him, and then proceed to get sentimental on her birthday. Not to mention that he says he specifically wants a child like Es to tell him he's guilty, instead of the law.
And people saying he doesn't care about Mahiru / is being forced to help her. Meanwhile he's literally risking his life to do so, and has no reason to listen to anyone telling him to if he didn't genuinely want to. Someone said something about his smoke break with Kazui showing that he didn't value Mahiru's health because he was... taking a break?? And that if she was in such dire health that he couldn't handle much else in the prison, he shouldn't be taking that break. Even though we've seen that Mahiru doesn't need to be monitored 24/7, and has Yuno to help even if she did. Because news flash, people need to take breaks in order to function? That's the point of the timeline, Kazui telling him to rest and not overwork himself.
I just. take psychic damage every time someone grabs a random Shidou line/action and twists it to make him seems like a selfish asshole. Like by all means, you can hate Shidou, I don't particularly care for him myself. But at least hate him for reasons that are actually canon to his character.
Its likely something will happen with Shidou in T3 that makes him seem more guilty. Thats just how Milgram is, he seems really innocent now so they'll sprinkle in a lil guilty to keep it balanced. But Milgram also doesn't switch up characters out of the blue, every new reveal is led up to. I'll be genuinely surprised and probably kinda annoyed if he ends up hurting Amane or Mahiru purposefully.
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kosmical · 7 months ago
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hey guys you should g. you should go vote her. for me
edit: well this dont matter anymore cause the polls gone but this is STILL TRUE !!
I was gonna say something funny here but shes genuinely such an underrated character and it makes me very happy that she got so far in this poll . No one really talks about her or gives her her flowers which is tragic to me because she feels like arguably one of the most human characters in the series. She loves her friends shes fiercely loyal she jumps to conclusions but she always means well. Idk she means a lot to me.
i hope this insane paragraph convinced you to vote for her at least. Good day
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b1asho · 30 days ago
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Sundyne fullbody
2nd to last, the big nasty bug lizards!! (Aka sundyne, if you dont want to get kicked across the room)
Here's the evil exposition dump:
Sundyne are under the Cerest label umbrella with Dorest and Rox, but are genetically distinct enough that they aren’t really the same thing.
It’s a commonly held theory among other species that they’re some kind of artificially created Cerest offshoot that went wrong and overtook their creators, but that’s crazy talk and bringing that up around a trad Sundyne is a great way to get snapped at.
They share some things with their Drecu cousins and I would suggest reading their stuff to get the general vibe, but the gist is that Sundyne also have serviceable but poor temperature regulation, their eyes aren’t spherical and are housed in bony cones in their heads, they can see colors that we can’t, they lay eggs and have a similar life stage development cycle,they have extremely sensitive antennas, and they have a mix of endo and exoskeleton/shell.
Their differences are a lot more distinct (obviously) Sundyne are obligate carnivores, for one, and have a lot harder time processing plant matter than Drecu. Their lower mandibles and beak are very sharp and are used to both tear into and hold prey.
When their mouth is closed, these two are pressed together tightly by internal muscles. Along with their little bit of lip and their other mouthparts that fold closely along their face, it gives the impression of their jaw being more like ours (especially when I stylize it and remove all detail >: ) ).
Those internal grabbies are about as strong as a human thumb, and are used to make speaking noises by vibrating them together along with the apparatus in their throat. Those also help to hold/maneuver food without opening the mouth too much (which they see as a threat)
Another difference in their mouth is their tongue, which is housed in a hole along their lower jaw, and its length retracts down their throat.
They use it to strip meat from bone and lick yummy goop out of shell and bone holes.
Their huge eyes function much better at night, and they usually keep them lidded to avoid sensory overload or looking like theyre upset (again, their eyes aren't full spheres in there, and instead are more like weird cylinders that taper as they go back in the skull.)
Like Dorest, all 6 of their fingers on their main hands are separated, though now they are all much larger and longer (at least on this top pair of arms).
Only the claws on their larger top arms are retractable, operating by sliding in and out of a pocket of endoskeleton in their end knuckle.
The smaller bottom arms have a thumb claw like Rox, and none of the shorter and duller on the other fingers are retractable.
Also like Rox, they have a special claw on their foot for kicking stuff, though theirs is much more pronounced and mobile (their other toes are relatively short and also have retractable claws.)
Male Sundyne also have a third pair of 'limbs' that are actually gonopods that fold on their back that they use to carry eggs, another indicator that their genus as a whole may have once had 8 limbs that have since fused or retracted.
Speaking of male, sundyne are not hermaphroditic, with *adults* being distinctly male or female. It's impossible to tell until the first molt after pupation, though.
Sundyne dimorphism is based on this sex difference and it decides their service role in their familial/ societal clans (rather than with Drecu, whose role in the colony decides their sexual role)
Their family units tend to be single dominant reproductive male and female pair, their children, and nonreproductive members.
Traditionally, that dominant pair is decided by whichever is the strongest female and whichever male catches her attention, but modernly and in higher classes there is a lot more linking of clans and inter/extra political and legislative to consider.
The dominant male and female are monogamously bonded, but often switch their single partners a lot for politics etc (though long-held bonds are seen as better) nonreproductive members can have multiple partners and do, but the privilege of eggs is only for that special pair bond.
The closest thing from earth i can say is they're structured a bit like a lion pride or meerkats, though females are the ones who defend the territory while males hunt and rear children once the eggs have been laid/hatched (which is where Rox and Dorest got their child raising roles from)
In any clan, females outnumber males because at a certain age most males are meant to leave and go join another clan. Because of this, the nonreproductive females often assist with resource gathering/some ither male roles (though they're given their own pronoun for this since males are their own special thing)
Males are smaller in height and sleeker, and have more markings on their face/ body (while they look very flashy to us, it helps break up their shape to their colorblind prey).
They also retain one more set of limbs than females: gonopods like Drecu on their back that also help hold their females eggs in place (once the female is ready to lay them, they give them to the male with an ovipositor) .
Females are much larger and more muscular, with fewer markings but often more impressuve crowns of horns. They also don’t have the same external genitalia structure.
The horn things on a female will drop and regrow more based on hormone signals from their social status and/or their environment. On a male, they will not (but they do keep growing constantly)
I keep saying "things" on their head because they're structured sort of like horns but not quite.
Theyre more or less hollow/spongy bone on the inside with a thin sheath covering , more or less permanent, and sort of vascularized and growing for the whole year. BUT they can branch, don’t have a single living core, and they can drop and regrow if damaged enough by the root (kind of just a spongy thing growing out of a bone shoot idk).
Horn damage on a male is seen as extremely unattractive and disgraceful (the long continually grown unbranched ones are the beauty standard since it exemplifies how precious they are)
Females use them a lot more for combat, territoriality, and social status (whereas males use them for defense and social status) so they get cracked more often. If this happens, theyll regrow with some deformation around the sheath. If they get access to a better food source, they’ll also drop and then regrow better and stronger (but smooth and with no tines). For the few reproductive females, they will shed and regrow bigger/stronger horn things with more branches yearly the longer they’re the dominant female as a status symbol. Any horn branches are looked at very favorably on females, but the crooked/unnatural spurs and bumps caused by damage is looked at as a low status symbol since the only reason they’d still have it is if they aren’t dominant enough to get the signals to drop and regrow them the right way.
As for their life cycle, its a lot like Drecu. Egg, little gloopy grub thing, bigger goopy grub thing, prepupa, chrysalis, juvenile adult stage.
However, during pupation adults can’t ‘choose’ the final form of their offspring like Dorest and Rox can. Males are considerably more favored because they leave their home clan to build ties and status in other clans, ultimately expanding the influence of the family and more freely rising in the ranks (they leave, marry in with a female of equal or greater status, and can move up by taking out other males there. a female doesn’t typically leave their birth clan, and could never become the dominant female of their own clan because incest and patricide taboo, and the only way they’d be able to in another clan is if they enter as a nonreproductive and maybe get lucky enough that the dominant female falls out of favor so you can yake her place)
If they had the chance most clans would cull many of the females in their clutches, but since they can’t tell the difference until the age where their kids are legally considered people, it’s harder to do that.
Succession rites for females follow a matriline from the dominant female, but they have their own internal pecking order established through literal and social pecking. If you’re a better fighter or just smarter/more useful, you’ll have a higher status. But if you were born in that clan, you'll never be the dominant female unless the male gets taken out of the equation too, making an opening for a new leader.
Males get their initial status from their pair with a female upon entry to a new clan, but they can actually move up to the dominant position by killing or otherwise removing the previous male. After this, they can choose a new female.
Their biological roles of hunter/nurturer for male and protector/fighter for female translates to their modern sociopolitical roles pretty literally. Males hold power as lawmakers, media makers, educators, and leaders due to their more 'intellectual' domestic role and ability to bridge clans in alliances.
. Though they are physically superior, females become the males protection once they are paired. They hold power within a clan and often in the military or as lower government officials, but outside of the clan their reach is pretty much carrying out and enforcing the orders of their male.
Their dynamic is like a sword and its wielder, or a speaker and their voice, though it is also referenced in their own culture as a male/female pair being “the sun and its moon.” They also take great pride in this binary, seeing it as something that sets them apart/ male and female completing each other to form the perfect whole.
Straying from this is a one way ticket to being either kicked out of the clan, jailed, or killed depending on where you are and who you’re dealing with.
They will enforce it onto any other species they meet (which is part of why Dorest and Rox are rigidly separated by a gender role along with their biological role in the colony, even though they are both sexes)
Sundyne clans are at the tippy top of Cerest society’s order (wirh Seru being the tippy top of the Sundyne exclusive caste, represented by a circle). They oversee their Drecu colonies and use their resources and manpower to expand their territory. This hierarchy is deeply entrenched, with any Drecu within a trad Sundyne structure believing that the Seru are immaculate and powerful beings.
Another conspiracy theory is that back in the early days of Sundyne development they probably preyed on Drecu and infiltrated their colonies through pheromone manipulation, overtaking that territory for their clan. The pheromone thing allows them to influence the general emotions of Cerest around them and give loose instructions, and to stop the instinctive swarm swarm swarm kill kill kill responses Drecu get when they see them (To Drecu, Sundyne look like creepy elongated nightmare versions of themselves, and though this response has largely been bred out most Dorest and Rox still feel an uncanny effect from looking at them. ) again, that's crazy talk though and never happened.
One more to go, and its the funny parasite worm ones
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firewolf111 · 3 months ago
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This time we're projecting onto Remus, so..
Tw: intrusive thoughts, heavy mentions of gore/self mutilation and murder/torture, some mild cussing, and hating oneself/thinking oneself is a bad person for intrusive thoughts.
So be warned.
Remus had gotten used to people hating him and his ideas. It was his normal. He had also gotten used to the usual mentions of "intrusive thoughts" as a joke. He had gotten used to ignoring them. But today has been a bad day and the week had been even worse, so he was on the edge and so close to snapping. Though maybe it was more than just a bad week that had him this way, maybe it was the years of repression and denial. The why doesn't matter, it never seemed like it did. Either way, he ends up here despite it starting like every other day.
Roman: *watching a movie* Now, that's not accurate. An alligator wouldn't be that fast on land.
Logan: Actually, alligators can run decently fast. Some say they can sprint up to 35 miles per hour, though only in brief bursts.
Roman: That's disturbing. Imagine just minding your own business and an alligator comes sprinting at you.
Virgil: Now that's an intrusive thought.
Remus: *without thinking* No, that's not.
And he really should keep his mouth shut, but he wasn't known for his filter. So his bad day and awful week bubble beneath his skin and make its way through his blood and into his lungs. He breathes it and coughs it out for all to see. Maybe it was a long time coming. He had grown tired of drowning in it.
Virgil: *looking over* What was that?
Remus: I said, no, it's not.
Virgil: What's not what?
Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought.
Virgil: *rolling his eyes* Okay, sorry, Mr. thought police.
And normally, Remus would make a joke. Usually, he was good at playing along. He was the big, scary Duke. But right now, he felt more scared than scary. He felt small. He was so tired.
Remus: That isn't an intrusive thought. I wish it was. I wish it was that simple. That easy.
Virgil: *catching on to the seriousness* Woah. You're right. I'm sorry for downplaying intrusive thoughts.
Remus: *growing frustrated* But it's not just you! It's all of you! It's everyone! It's all a joke to everyone. Because to you, I'm nothing but a poorly timed sex joke or a weird fact. But that isn't the half of it! That's what I let out. What little I can release without being thrown away like the garbage fire I am!
Everyone is looking at him now. Some horror, some concern. A weird mix of the two. He hates it. He craves it. He doesn't know.
Roman: Remus-
And it's that tone of voice. That tone he used when they were younger. When Remus would get hurt fighting monsters in the imagination or wake screaming from a nightmare. He hates it. He craves it. He still doesn't fucking know. And it burns and it boils and it builds and builds and he breaks.
Remus: Stop. *It's more a plea than a command, and he wants to take it back. To try again. To undo the entire conversation because it is too open for him*
Janus: *taking a step forward* Remus, listen-
He doesn't, because he is a fire that burns too bright. An explosion waiting to happen. He's a stomach full of gasoline, and he's been choking on matches for a while. He tries to swallow down the smoke, and instead, he lights the blaze.
Remus: No, you listen! Stop trying to silence me! You don't like the things I say? Try being in my brain! Try dealing with them constantly! The thoughts you hear are tame compared to what goes on up there!
And oh, he's crying. He wants to tear out his eyes. To stop the traitorous tears that run down his cheeks. Will they eventually erode his skin? Will the others realize how broken he is and leave? A thousand thoughts. Like always. He never gets a break.
Remus: *dejected* You don't get it.
Janus: Then tell us.
He debates screaming that that had never worked before, but he is tired. So he complies.
Remus: Do you know what it's like to see people talk about their intrusive thoughts? How much it burns when someone makes a joke about it or assumes it's the same as impulsiveness. For fuck's sake, it burns enough when someone explains their intrusive thoughts to be about throwing something at someone or pushing someone.
Remus: *running his hands harshly through his hair* And how fucked up is that? To be jealous of something like that? But I wish my thoughts were just shit like that. Those are tame for me. I feel relieved when my thoughts are those ones.
Remus: But I rarely see people talking about the extreme ones. Is it just me? Because most people don't talk about the vivid images of murdering your family in brutal ways. Of torture methods and having such intense thoughts of using them on someone or doing something worse. Or losing your appetite because all you can think about is how it would feel to throw up your organs into the trash or tear your intestines out of your gut. To stare at your wrist and want to tear out your tendons, fighting the urge to dig into it. I have to be careful when scratching my face near my eye so I don't mindlessly dig my fingernails in because I get the strong urge to just pluck them out!
Remus: And don't get me started on the detailed thoughts that don't just stop on one image. The ones that are so detailed and thought out that it forms a plan in your head. A plan so carefully crafted, you can't help but wonder if you actually want to do it. *he's yanking at his hair now, unsure when he started* I don't. I swear I don't. But I have an entire plan in my head that plays out and I can't stop it. What if I do want to do it? Maybe I am a bad person.
Everyone looks horrified. He's done it. Now they'll kick him out for good because they know the monster he truly is. And yet, when he speaks the final sentence, something shifts. Roman and Janus snap out of it and step forward, already speaking reassurances.
Janus: You can't control your thoughts. They don't make you a bad person.
Roman: Re-no. That's not true
But he isn't listening. He's sinking out with a muttered "I'm a monster." Janus and Roman shout after him. Maybe Virgil does too. Maybe Patton and Logan call out, or maybe they don't. It doesn't matter.
The question isn't who comes find him, or how long or where. The question isn't what they say to him.
The question is: Will he finally find relief?
Because when the enemy is your own mind, that's a hard thing to do.
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existencebringsonlypain · 11 months ago
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I may have posted about this before, but I don't understand the whole proshipper/anti debate. As far as I understand, I'm on the side of proshippers (i think fiction is fiction and doesn't have to reflect reality. because it's fiction.), but what I don't get is why there's such a clear defined binary, and why there's such animosity between the two. It's just a difference in opinion, like any other, isn't it? I understand that either group can "take it too far" (though i dont really get how proshippers could be TOO okay with problematic ships). but i really think either viewpoint is fine to a degree, they both have logic behind them, and it's just a matter of preference, isn't it?
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tgshydestan · 6 months ago
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