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phoenixyfriend · 3 years ago

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Voltron Age Swap Plance AU

This was originally brainstormed back in 2018 but I'm still not over it. I'm not even in Voltron anymore, and yet I still think about it regularly. Also people are still showing interest so I should like... share this. It contains bits from @themysteriousinternetentity, @firebirdeternal, and Kite, who afaik dropped tumblr and I don't know their old URL. (Contains grief, trauma, and usage of alcohol to cope with the former.)

Plance don't swap with each other, no, we're going more complicated with this. Plance are in a stable long-term relationship, and Shiro is a useless teenage gay who keeps crushing on older straight boys.

It started out as just Lance and Shiro being age and role-swapped, for a fun thing where Shiro uselessly crushed on an oblivious and very straight older boy out of minor hero worship, because one-sided Shance is cute, including age-reversed like this.

Then we added Pidge being Matt’s twin, for an absurd dynamic with Lance and the Holt Twins that ended up being oddly stable Plance with Matt demanding to be Lance’s best man at the wedding.

Adam is aged down to be on Shiro’s level, and their relationship has silly teen angst about not agreeing on The Cutest Character In This Anime They Watched.

So this entire thing actually started with me saying Shance is one of those ships where I can take it or leave it depending on the context but if someone wrote an age-swap AU where Shiro had the Biggest Dumb Teen Crush on Lance and Lance was an Oblivious Straight Guy who had no idea and it never went anywhere but was full of Shiro bemoaning the fact that he managed to fall for a guy who was both too old AND too straight for him... I would actually 100% read that.

The Kerberos mission is Lance as pilot, Matt as comms officer, Sam as scientist, just to clarify.

Lance took Hunk under his wing at the Garrison because he saw Hunk struggling with the anxiety and kinda went “oh shit, he could use some help.” Hunk nearly passed out the first time he met Pidge because the hero worship of this tech Genius was so strong. The Lance and Hunk dynamic kind of parallels Keith and Shiro’s in canon, except in Hunk’s case, the problems are less Delinquency and more Anxiety.

Shiro is a hopeless romantic.

Lance deals with trauma by leaning into the jokester side.

Keith and Shiro are buddy-buddy roommates, like Hunk and Lance in canon. They're still buddy-buddy when they get to space. Whenever Shiro starts bemoaning a crush on an older straight boy again, Keith reminds him that he still has Adam, his boyfriend back home. Shiro points out that isn’t fair, because Shiro and Adam frequently talk to each other about unattainable older crushes, too, so Shiro KNOWS Adam wouldn’t be bothered.

Keith is very tired of Shiro’s gay drama sometimes. Keith had his own dumb bi crushes (Allura and Hunk could both bench press him and he is very aware of this), but he’s…a little more quiet about them, if only because he’s wary of the other paladins, still.

Shiro's STILL leaving behind Adam but this time there wasn't a breakup, it was just Adam waking up like "Yeah, your boyfriend went missing during the lockdown last night, we're not sure what happened." They were "on break" which means they weren't speaking to each other for three days because Adam said Naruto was overrated.

Matt was ALSO a former crush of Shiro's, and Pidge recognizes him because Matt sometimes let Shiro tag along for some stuff, more than Keith tagged along with Shiro in canon.

Shiro complains about crushing on Lance to Adam -> Adam complains about his crush on Shiro, who is clueless, to Matt -> Matt goes and has coffee with Lance, suddenly cracks up and snorts coffee out his nose, refuses to explain anything.

Pidge and Matt are twins, and it's great. It's also awful. For many reasons. Pidge and Matt used to be identical twins. Technically, genetically, they still are. But Pidge rejected a bunch of stuff and took all the hormones she legally could, soooooooooo.

I want undercut ponytail Pidge and so that's what's happening here.

Also I've decided that Garrison health care covered Pidge's transition.

At the time of brainstorming we didn't have any definite ages for Matt, or anything more definite than "still had time for a growth spurt" and "in an orange uniform" which could maybe put him up to 21/22 when Shiro was... he was probably 24 when Kerberos set off.

Lance is taking Shiro's place at 25 in S1 and Pidge is joining Matt at estimated-19-to-22-ish-but-let's-go-with-22.

Matt is three and a half minutes older than Pidge And he never Ever EVER Lets her forget it

Lance is just SLIGHTLY less of a dweeb, like, he's had a bit of time to mature, but.

God, long-term friends Matt and Lance would just be the WORST. They're both little shits and they're both flirty and they're basically introducing aliens to Jackass. Pidge has so much blackmaile on both of them. I was about to say "Neither of them considers this blackmail" but they work for the military and Iverson would definitely get on their case about some of this stuff.

They've been mistaken for triplets or at least siblings at some point. Lance's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline because??? He doesn't look like a Holt??? Little does he realize that they had the exact same shit-eating grin not three seconds earlier

"Look at that pasty skin! They're basically snow sculptures! I am not a white boy!" "But you are a fuckboy." "Listen, Pidge, you don't need to state the obvious."

Lance signs something as "Lance McClain-Alvarez" and Pidge crosses it out and writes "Fuckboy McGee."

Pidge and Lance are constantly goofing on each other, battles of Wit that Pidge almost always wins, but the fastest way to get a knuckle sandwich from Pidge is to insult Lance. That's HER job thank you very much.

So when they were in the Garrison as students, Matt, Pidge, and Lance were a team. Pidge in engineering, Lance as pilot, Matt on comms.

There were some iffy times before Pidge and Matt stopped doing twin communication and forgetting that Lance needed to also know what was happening.

The ages don't work out close enough for them to be in the same year, buuuuuuuuuuut the twins totally skipped a few grades.

Lance is older but he's the cocky established fighter pilot jock when she shows up and promptly skips three grades, gets stuck with this idiot who keeps calling her "short stuff," and then she learns his darkest secret: he is an utter dork. Lance THINKS it's his darkest secret. The problem is that it's... not... a secret.

It is to freshmen who broadly categorize people into nerds and jocks because they aren't too used to normal socializing yet/have had bad experiences in school (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

Part "Lance doesn't realize how obvious he is about being a total dork, thinks he's hiding it very well, is actually super clearly a massive nerd" with a side helping of "Pidge is also clueless; clearly they are meant to be."

Matt is snapchatting every interaction and sending it to his not-twin friends and also his parents. With captions like "He quoted Pirates of the Caribbean and she responded without noticing, she still thinks he's a jock and he somehow forgot that movie is over sixty years old, save them 🙏 🙏 🙏"

It took them years to get together but Matt shipped them since day one.

Pidge: He yelled Kobe and threw his test paper into the trash that idiot! Matt: that is a fifty year old meme and it was an a + test, Pidge.

(Lance wears a shirt with a chemistry pun one day and pidge doesn't even notice.) (Matt is collecting so much blackmail.) (He is emphatic about being best man because he's spent ten years planning that speech.)

Lance is mentoring Hunk re anxiety and Pidge is his tech idol. Like six months into their acquaintance, Lance mentions his friend Pidge in passing. Hunk: Not,,,not Pidge Holt???? Lance: ...ye? Hunk: aweiu;aflhiuerh;gi he verbalizes the key smash, it's impressive

Lance and Pidge make jokes about adopting Hunk.

"Pidge you're barely five years older than m--" "I'M SUCH A YOUNG MOM." "WE CAN'T SUPPORT YOU, SON, IT'S A TRAGEDY."

Hunk gets dragged around by his older basically-married friends. Pidge moms Hunk but he moms her right back.

Okay but Hunk keeps trying to make sure Pidge gets sleep and food and all that, which she does appreciate, even if she's old enough to know her limits (he was worried about her grief and depression post-Kerberos, and got in the habit), but then he gets sick or has a panic attack or any number of things and she and Lance are RIGHT THERE to help him through it.

Pidge: [stays up way too late coding] Lance: [flops on top of her like a cat so she's warm and can't get at her laptop] Hunk: [tucks a blanket over them both ten minutes later when they conk out]

Or like.

Hunk: [says something unexpectedly savage] Pidge and Lance: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRN

They're dweebs, guys.

Still coming back to the conniving Matt&Hunk partnership. Eventually when Lance finds out about who Matt's source has been. He is torn between complete outrage and so much pride. I taught you well you TRAITOR

Lance puts on "Dear Theodosia" and when it gets to "look at my son!" he just does Will Smith "LOOK AT MY FAMILY" pose at Hunk. Hunk isn't paid enough for this.

She and Lance are a Drapey couple. They drape themselves over each other.

Lance dated soooooooooo many people in his teens but if you ever dare so much as IMPLY that he isn't faithful during the relationship itself, however long or short it is, he will be offended. So will the current beau, which has been Pidge for the past five and a half years.

I want them to be like the edited bi version of the angry girlfriend meme. They check out cute girls together.

This is the definition of "even if one of the people in the relationship is straight, the relationship is queer."

Plance is a power couple, but the kind that does stupid shit like racing on shopping carts.

Texting: Lance: owo what's this Pidge: blocked Lance: wait unblock I've gotta say something Pidge: ...ok Lance: I wuv you Pidge: tough cuz now you're single

Though Pidge probably has a 'Then Perish' edit of Iverson making the exact expression to send to Lance whenever she needs it.

Also she sends him this.

Pidge is that one Cool Teacher who's Hip With The Kids.

Keith and Hunk and Shiro having lunch together and Pidge just plops down like "What up, nerds?" "Officer Holt, I'm trying to eat my lunch, please don't get me detention again." "That was one time, kiddo."

Hunk knows how to flatter her. Pidge only got promoted to officer a few months ago and Hunk knows calling her Officer Holt makes her feel better. (If she's already in a decent mood. If she's grieving, then it just feels Bad.)

Pidge hides loss in one of her slides each semester and cracks up as halfway through the lecture the entire class groans in despair.

Pidge varies between normal lectures, excited ranting about a new development in the field of the class she's teaching, and "I don't feel like teaching, you don't feel like learning, let's watch vine comps."

Pidge is terrible about swearing in front of students and keeps a "swear jar tally" on the board. +1 when she swears, -1 when a student does When it hits 25 she has to buy them snacks (Her students are some of the cleanest mouthed in the garrison) (The next semester they have some excellent new vocab)

There's a heated debate whether or not calling someone a "walnut" counts as a swearword depending on intonation until Pidge goes and gets Commander Iverson to end said debate. "THE COMMANDER SAID IT'S NOT A SWEAR, SO THERE."

"Hunk, how come you were playing Scrabble with Officer Holt?" "Her boyfriend kind of adopted me and now I guess I'm part of the family." The class would freak out re "officer holt's bf" but that would be assuming Lance hasn't dip kissed her in front of the class to embarrass her.

Lance has 100% dip-kissed Pidge in front of their classes, their coworkers, their bosses, their families, their lions, their--

There's people who staunchly believe they're already married and are very surprised to hear "wait, they haven't tied the knot yet??"

I just have a lot of fun imagining Older, In Charge Plance being a bunch of twenty-something goofballs at every opportunity.

Pidge: I need an adult. Lance: You are an adult. Pidge: I need an adultier adult! Iverson: [the deepest of sighs] The students look up to you two.

Iverson has spent almost a decade dealing with Pidge's bullshit, and two listening to Sam Holt talk about his scarily intelligent, mischievous twins. (He didn't believe Sam was anything more than an enthusiastic father until the first (and last) bring your kid to work day.) (We do not talk about bring your child to work day.) (Officially that never happened and thanks to Pidge you can't prove otherwise.)

(Without Keith punching Iverson, the eyepatch backstory is the Bring Your Children to Work Day that never happened.) (To this day Pidge and Matt blame each other.)

Matt: This is why people think you're married. Lance: Oh my god. Pidge: Ew, no, do you know how much a good wedding costs? Lance: We don't make nearly enough for that. Pidge: And both our moms would insist. You know mom would. And you've met Lance's family. Lance: Big, big wedding. Pidge: So many people. Lance: So much food. Pidge: So expensive. Lance: Totally not ready for that. Matt: So you've thought about it. Lance: Meh. Pidge: Not really? Matt: Oh my god.

People on military salary who are living on a base don't have a lot of expenses. If they aren't splurging it all on stuff, they're probably pretty well set. All their money goes to video games.

(It's actually a common problem around military bases: young people who suddenly have a lot of liquid cash, don't know how to budget and save, and get targeted by predatory lenders and scummy people. You see a lot of sports cars.)

(They've both got older military family members, though, so there's at least someone telling them to pump the brakes.)

(Especially if there were budgeting classes at some point since Garrison was also high school for them.)

Shiro: Adam. Adam listen I got Lance as my homeroom teacher, help. Adam: [resigns himself to the fact that he will hear nothing else all year]

Lance is really mopey before class one day. Shiro asks him what's wrong. Lance: I had a fight with my girlfriend. Shiro: Oh no. [awkward awkward help] Lance: I can't BELIEVE she thinks that STAR TREK is better than STAR WARS-- Shiro: But she's right, though. Lance: Get out I dont know you anymore.

Adam: Seriously? You've been trying to impress him all year, this is where you stop? Shiro: There are lines that must be drawn Adam! There comes a time when you must take a stand and-- Adam: You utter nerd. (But he likes it. He kisses Shiro to shut him up after a bit because his excited nerd face is so cute.)

Keith is slowly dying because come on, guys.

Anyway, time for drama.

Think about how furious and sad Pidge must have been after Kerberos. Because that's her dad, her twin, AND her boyfriend.

Pidge getting drunk and calling her mom or leaning on Garrison friends, avoiding Hunk outside of classes for a few months.

Everyone knows she's Lance's girlfriend, and an officer. So who do you think got asked to clean out his office.

He had a picture of her on his desk. It's a terrible picture. She didn't know he was taking it and she was halfway into a bite of burrito. He had it there to annoy her but also insisted her face was adorable in it. She starts crying in his office, clutching it to her chest. There's one she took of him and Hunk.

(She found a wrapped birthday gift with her name on the tag in the bottom drawer of the desk.) (He knew if he hid it at home she'd find it and open it early.) (It's still unopened in her bedroom when they reunite.)

Because he's Lance he had a little kit to freshen up over lunch break. She definitely spends some time sitting on the floor smelling his hair products because it smells like him.

He had a notepad where he doodled "Lance Holt" when he should've been working.

If he'd been there when she saw it she would've said "awwww" and he would've said "I'm gonna marry Matt" but instead she's looking at his doodle with hearts all around it and that's never gonna happen is it

yes it IS something ISN'T RIGHT

Iverson, upon realizing that Pidge is going to be receiving news that her father, brother, AND boyfriend are all dead, after ten years climbing the ranks on the strength of her computer genius, immediately argues with command that they have to tell her the truth.

Because, if they don't, she is absolutely going to commit felonies to find out what happened. (Iverson gets it in writing that he argued that. He does not want to be on Pidge's short list.)

And he'd rather have her helping them find a solution, rather than have to discharge her, and possibly have her arrested, jailed, and eventually imprisoned for being the smartest damn person in the building with a grudge the size of Mars.

He doesn't.... actually mention the felonies thing, at first. Because "She'll break the law if we don't bend to her" isn't the best argument. But "She's a genius, an officer, and heavily invested in finding answers and a solution to the incident" is a great one.

Iverson: If this were any other situation we'd be telling Holt to do the cover up. She's done it before. She knows what one looks like.

"Please don't tell me to hide something from the person who usually does the hiding for us, and has every reason to want the truth. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to yourselves."

Iverson totally does that thing where he is officially telling you this in his official capacity with no inflection and no attempt to make you believe it but if you weren't there you can't prove otherwise by the words he said.

Veronica knocking down Pidge's door and demanding to know more but the ONLY reason Pidge is allowed to know is because they're aware of the fact that not telling her is a worse option and like. Pidge can't tell her. And she hates herself for it.

Iverson letting Pidge into his office just to rant about what happened and then looking up twenty minutes after she's gone silent and realizing that she's just crying silently with her head pillowed on her arms on his desk and like... it's hard not to care.

Also consider that Iverson offers Pidge a drink after work one day, since she's 21 and it's all fine. And he just ends up with an intoxicated, distraught Holt, and has no idea what to do with her.

Her mom lives too far away and he has no clue where in the UNIVERSE the other people who care about her are. Definitely none of her more casual friends, because she might blurt out the truth while hella drunk.

Pidge, drinking tequila: --and I think we were gonna get married. [sob] Iverson: Um. Here, drink some water, you're gonna regret this otherwise. [awkward back pats] (you brought this on yourself, Iverson.)

She wakes up on his couch and he offers her water and some advil, or whatever the most effective hangover painkiller is.

Somewhat accidentally, Iverson is adopting this sad lost lonely genius.

Iverson's the awkward grumpy uncle. Coran is fun uncle, but Kolivan and Iverson both end up Grumpy Awkward Uncle.

Iverson is very involved with Pidge's mental health because tbh the woman doesn't have a lot of friends and she's trying to shore up a teenager's mental health and hiding her own grief as much as possible to do so and HEY has anyone taken Hunk to grief counseling yet? Anyone?

Hunk... may have just shut down.

If he doesn't necessarily have a lot of close friends, and Pidge was avoiding him out of guilt, he might actually be close to pulling a keith and getting kicked out. Not due to fighting. But due to flunking.

Maybe that's why Iverson goes to talk to Pidge: Hunk gets pulled up on academic warning and he KNOWS that's not right, and he realizes how much he's been missing.

THIS is why Hunk ends up being friends with Keith and Shiro. Pidge basically just points him at Shiro and goes "That one is nice and friendly and Matt said good things about him. Go. Make friends that aren't absurdly older than you."

Pidge, to Shiro: Lance said good things about you and so did Matt. Lance cared a lot about that Hunk kid and he's been feeling bummed out as hell and if you could maybe check in on him when I'm not around that would be swell. Keith, leaning in: Did you just say swell? Pidge: Um, excuse you, this isn't your conversation unless you're planning on helping Hunk too.

Keith: Try and stop me now. I will friend that boy. Shiro: Lance said good things, this boy needs me! Keith, ten minutes later: Shiro, how do I friend someone. Shiro: Well, first you go to Facebook, and then--

Pidge knows that Shiro really likes Lance and Matt and she is not above using that.

Poor Shiro is trying to be friendly and supportive, but he's sandwiched between uncommunicative traumatized grieving socially anxious Hunk and, you know, Keith.

Also like this totally fits that AU but also with Lance as a role model? 100% he will be even worse.

Shiro thinks Long and Hard and ends up asking how much crossover there is between Cooking Knife Technique and Fighting Knife Technique It Works? Kinda? Hunk ends up teaching Keith how to cook.

Shiro tries to learn too but he gets banned. Because he's... very bad. He ends up taste-tester.

Shiro set off a fire alarm trying to make toast once. Shiro is the freshman who causes a dorm evacuation attempting to make microwave mac 'n cheese. Shiro is Banned. He gets to try all the stuff Keith learns how to make, though.

Shiro can decorate the baked goods. He isn't even allowed to mix up the frosting, but he can put it on cookies with only minimal chaos and mess.

Shiro comes back to his room at the Garrison one night with food that Hunk made, has some free time before curfew and goes to visit Adam, and Adam declares "I'm leaving you for whoever made this." "Uh... I made it." "I've seen you burn water, you liar."

TECHNICALLY they're not allowed in the kitchens without a faculty member supervising. TECHNICALLY people love Hunk's cooking enough that there's always someone willing.

If worst comes to worst at this point, they could be doing anything short of murder, and Pidge would say she authorized it and was supervising as long as they're spending time together and Hunk is making friends

("Anything short of murder" I mean.) (They kill a lot of people in space.) (She's technically supervising.) (And authorizing it.) (Lance is there too and Allura owns their stuff but like TECHNICALLY SPEAKING...)

Keith definitely smuggles in some alcohol at some point. Where did he find it? He's not telling. Did it literally fall off the back of a truck? Maybe! Did he just stumble across a misdelivered package at his door and had no way of returning it? Possible!

Actually he was poking around in a storage cubby. "Some older students probably stashed it and forgot about it."

Shiro: This is illegal. Hunk, who has cooked with alcohol: Shouldn't it be vinegar by now how old is that? Keith: Look are we gonna get drunk or not.

Pidge, swooping in from behind them: I'm confiscating this. Pidge, kicking open Iverson's door: WE'RE GETTING FUCKED UP TONI--oh hey Admiral Sanda. Iverson: Sorry about that Admiral, kids these days you know. [Admiral looks away] Iverson: [taps watch, holds up 7 fingers, questioning eyebrow] Pidge: [winks, apologizes, slips out]

Sanda hates Pidge. So much. Pidge is too damn useful to turn away just for her eccentricities, but hot damn does a lot of the higher ranking group hate her.

(Older students did stash it there.) (The older student was Iverson.) (He'd completely forgotten, but wow that's still good.) (Iverson and Pidge spend the next three months finding all his old stashes.) ("Because it would be irresponsible to leave them where a student could stumble across them again.")

Pidge, a year later: Oh hey, did I mention I spent a lot of time getting drunk with Iverson after you guys went missing? Lance: NO YOU DID NOT TELL ME EVERYTHING. I mean, unless you're not comfortable. I'm guessing there was a lot of sad-- Pidge: He can lick his elbow. Lance: I love you.

Iverson may have been the student who looked absolutely responsible to any adult authority figure, but definitely had vodka in his water bottle.

Lance, being Haggar's experiment instead of Shiro, loses a leg instead of an arm.

(Colleen Holt lost two sons that day.)

He is in fact Black's Paladin, because he's the oldest, so I'm saying he has a metal leg as a nod to canon Lance being a leg.

Glowing leg kicking a Galra in the face

Lance shoots someone in the face and Shiro just 😳😳😳

Keith: Don't you have a boyfriend back home. Shiro: LISTEN he already knows about this nonsense and he knows it's never going anywhere just let me LIVE

Sharpshooter overlooking the battle and giving tactical instructions.

Lance would also be the kind of leader who was super good at delegating to people who were Experts.

Since Lance is in Black, the Red needs to be his second, so it's definitely Pidge.

Lance: You're my right hand gal. Pidge: Hey Voltron why are you hitting yourself.

Hunk stays Yellow, which means Shiro could be Green and Keith could be Blue, or vice versa. Both options are fun.

Lance and Pidge make out on a couch in the Castle one time when they think everyone else is doing something planetside and then they just hear Keith going "Oh my GOD" and look up to see the entire rest of the team gaping at them from the doorway with shopping bags everywhere.

Coran: I'm actually certified to perform legally binding weddings in three galaxies! Everyone else: How.

Allura: Haven't those certifications expired? Coran: Not as of three hours ago when I got them all renewed after I heard Lance and Pidge talking!

Pidge: I FOUND MATT Lance: !!! Matt: Pidge is wearing a wedding ring you FUCKER YOU PROMISED I'D BE YOUR BEST MAN.

Though admittedly, better keep them to just "engaged," because like. Imagine. Pidge finding Matt: NOW YOU HAVE TO HELP ME FIND DAD SO I CAN ACTUALLY GO HOME AND GET MARRIED. Matt: WAIT SHIT YOU MEAN LANCE PROPOSED? Pidge: FUCK YEAH HE DID, I CRIED.

ANYWAY

They ask Allura for a double room their first night on the castle.

Lance: Hey, Princess, sorry to bother you, but could Pidge and I share a room? With a bigger bed meant for two people, maybe? Allura: Oh, are you... together? Hunk, yelling over: THEY'RE BASICALLY MARRIED! Lance, flustered: We're not married. Pidge: We might be. Eventually. Lance: I mean, we haven't seen each other in over a year-- Pidge: Haven't talked in almost as long-- Lance: Might not actually be the best idea to share a room so quickly again, actually-- Pidge: Wait, no, I still wanna share-- Lance: You're sure? It's been a long time-- Pidge: Have I ever not been sure? Lance: I just haven't been super mentally stable in a while and I don't know what I'm like when I'm asleep-- Pidge: So we'll figure it out as we go along-- Lance: And I'm still figuring out the new leg-- Pidge: It's new tech, I'm definitely not going to complain if you don't want me to-- Lance: And I want you to stay but you shouldn't feel like you have to-- Pidge: I do want to-- Lance: And I just, I do love you, I really do, I kept thinking of you the entire time I was in the prisons-- Pidge: That's sweet-- Lance: And I kept imagining the wedding, if I ever got back-- Pidge: Oh-- Lance: But I shouldn't put that pressure on y-- Pidge: Yes. Lance: --ou and... what? Pidge: Yes. You better get me a ring and do this properly, but yes. I'll do it. I'll marry you. Lance: ...OH MY GOD.

Lance: [bursts into tears] Pidge: [bursts into tears] Hunk: [bursts into tears] Allura: ...so do you want that double room, then?

Shiro, in the corner: [tearing up] Coran, on the other side of the room: [tearing up] Keith and Allura: So........

Alternately, Allura becomes Embarrassed and Coran is just "Wink wink nudge nudge saynomoresaynomore!" which does Not Help Allura's Embarrassment Situation.

It's not even about the sex! (It's a little about the sex.) It's just. You know. They haven't seen each other in a year and a half or something. They need to cuddle.

The first night there's some hesitation, after all, it HAS been years since they've been together, and Lance has been through some SHIT in the meantime, but after that... it's easy in a way that few things ever are. Like Lance never left for space. Like Pidge never spent months and years searching the stars, refusing to believe that the universe would take so many people she loved away all at once.

Pidge: How many hyphens in a last name is too many hyphens.

Shiro sighing and pouting and propping his chin up on his hands as he watches Pidge and Lance joke-wrestle each other on the couch and going "They're so happy together, Keith..."

Shiro is a bit of a hopeless romantic. Keith is a little tired of his shit. Hunk is, too, but less so. Allura joins Shiro in hopeless romantic land.

Lance dislikes the paladin armor because he can't tuck his hands down the back of Pidge's pants while they make out.

(Next chat has a sex mention but the bulletpoints go back to G/T rated.)

Pidge: I haven't seen you in a year. Tonight, we're going to snuggle and cry and all that good shit. Tomorrow, I'm riding you 'til you scream. Lance: I am definitely on board with that plan. Pidge, smirking: Hmmmm I bet you a-- Keith: Seriously? Hunk: Right in front of my salad? Shiro: I think it's kinda cu-- Pidge: I TOTALLY FORGOT YOU GUYS WERE THERE, SHIT.

Pidge is ONLY taller than Shiro and he hits a growth spurt a few weeks in and two months later Pidge is the shortest person there.

Pidge staying just barely shorter than Matt and the team is something I like the sound of, but I can't find a solid answer on how estrogen and puberty blockers affect height so I may need to scrap "used to be identical twins" to achieve "Pidge is three inches shorter than Allura, the next shortest, and still tries to give all the boys Older Sister Noogies."

She only usually succeeds. Keith BoMs his way into hidey places, and she always has to wait until Hunk is sitting down to attack.

Pidge: Lance, we gotta be cool and neutral on this, okay, we can't have favorites and-- Lance: Hunk's my favorite! Pidge: Lance! [Later] Pidge: Lance, he's my favorite too, but you can't just SAY that.

Pidge's whole energy changes when she's one of the oldest instead of the youngest, because she's still tinier than all of them, but is Unquestionably the one in Charge most of the time.

Lance just ends up trying to like. Mentor Allura. Like hi yes this is a teenager??? In this situation? She's baby, clearly. Ten thousand years don't count when it's cryo.

Lance: Stick with me kid, I'm a Cool Adult and I'll show you the ropes. Allura: [looks to Pidge for confirmation] Pidge: [shakes her head slowly while making a face] Allura: I think I'm okay.

But also: [something dangerous happens]

Lance: [is legitimately incredibly cool as he saves the day] Allura: What the fuck??? Pidge: GET OVER HERE YOU IDIOT ARE YOU HURT DON'T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN [blushing furiously and checking him over]

Lance's reaction to trauma was to lean into the jokester. He will be happy or die trying, fuck you Haggar.

Lance is still the one that gets distracted by Nyma. It's less Pretty Girl and more 'aw, you seem sweet' because he's basically engaged, but it still happens. Matt will never let him hear the end of this. Lance, to Pidge: Matt NEVER hears about this.

Alternately, Pidge and Lance were both hitting on Nyma.

Pidge: Wait, is he hitting on Nyma? Did he just wink at m--THAT FUCKER THINKS HE CAN GET HER NUMBER FASTER THAN I CAN. Hunk: ...guys. guys. Wait don't-- (They do the thing.)

Keith: Aren't they basically married? At least engaged? Hunk: This is what commitment looks like, I guess.

Shiro is 900% an eager beaver, right? So Excited! To go ahead with whatever Lance decides is a great idea!

Lance doesn't want this pressure. Lance spends his nights talking to Pidge about how much he Does Not Want Shiro putting this much faith in him. It's a lot.

Shiro has the adoring puppy dog eyes.

Keith and Lance fall into a weird variant of canon. They keep verbally sniping at each other, though with less venom. Keith: [snipes] Shiro: You are embarrassing me. Lance: Nice one.

"I acknowledge that you are our leader. I acknowledge that you are in charge. I also acknowledge that it was a stupid fucking idea." "Listen, I already got the rundown from my girlfriend, from the princess, AND from Coran. Don't need it from you too, kiddo."

Pidge sets up a swear jar. Pidge is also 70% of the swear jar. She has Regrets.

Pidge gets a list of Altean swear words from Coran so she can ride herd on Allura.

Pidge: I know that's a bad word in Galran! Keith: I'm connecting with my heritage.

Keith is suuuuuuuuuch a little shit to these two.

Keith: You're not my real dad! Shiro: Daddy. Shiro go home and think about what you've said.

Pidge: This is my boyfriend, get your own.

Keith: He HAS his own!

Regarding Lance and him interacting with smolKeith: I feel like his experiences and the extra perspective of age really Mellow out BP Lance. He's..... more confident, less worried about the opinions of others, but still empathetic and able to read people well. So he doesn't poke at Keith as much, unless Keith gets Reckless in which case his irritation expresses itself more as concern than anything else.

But I feel like a Lance might recognize that Keith kind of needs that type of... interpersonal stimulation? Sometimes? If that's the word for it? Like Keith sometimes needs a poke in the right direction to interact And to see that it's okay to argue the fun way so long as you don't take it too far.

Back on Earth, Shiro and Adam had decided that they needed to matchmake for Keith. Keith panicked and went all fairytale, saying that his potential beau needs to be able to beat him in a fight.

They get to space and Allura kicks Keith's ass. He turns around to see that Shiro is giving him the biggest shit-eating grin, and he thinks that Shiro is about to make fun of him, but no. It's worse. Its matchmaking.

Wanna go fairy tale Keith? Fine, a princess will win your hand in battle.

Lance: --and so for teams I was thinking me and Pidge, then- Shiro: Dibs on Hunk! Lance: Cool, then Keith with Allura. Keith: [the dirtiest of glares] Shiro: [winks]

Shiro somehow completely missed that Hunk is also involved in the slowly developing OT3.

Hunk asks them both out with cupcakes. Hunk: Hold my flower imma kick his ass. Allura and Keith: You kick his ass babe we got your flower.

Coran asks Plance what human courtships are like, for reference. And so Allura has a better idea of what she's doing.

Do not ask Plance for advice, kids! They are disasters! Lance will give you terrible pickup lines! And through Coran as a cultural translator too...

Shiro’s older straight boy crushes include, at minimum, Lance, Matt, and Lotor. It later turns out none of them are straight, but they’re still all out-of-reach, for various reasons. Shiro, seeing Lotor: Oh no. Shiro, seeing Lotor being suave: Oh No. Shiro, seeing Lotor flirt with Allura: Oh No.

Lance not having a crush on Allura and being a little older leads into LANCE GIVING ALLURA DATING ADVICE REGARDING LOTOR.

Allura: this person is older and flirts, clearly he knows what he's doing? Everyone else: nO

Lance: I'm worried about Allura. She's been getting closer to Lotor, but I'm not sure I trust him. Pidge: It's her choice. Lance: Yeah, but I still feel like I should scope him out a bit more? And then just tell her what I find if I do find anything. Pidge: You could flirt with him. I could flirt with him. We can see if he's actually devoted to her or not. Lance: Hm....

I'm not 100% on this sequence because. Well. It really is Allura's choice.

(Imagine if the Lotura bit was just sent off-track way early on, maybe with a different relationship. (Kallura? Hallura? Both?) And then Through an ODD sequence of events Lance and Pidge and Lotor get a wee bit tipsy and just kinda fall in bed together. No sex But they do wake up Really, Really Awkward.)

Lotor: [flirts with Allura] Lance: Wow, I'm not sure I trust this guy for her romantically. I gotta trust him for the empire and I know she can make her own decisions, but something still feels wrong about it. Lance, being Lance: [aggressively flirts with Lotor before things with Allura go too far] Matt: [takes pictures]

Pidge going full older-sister mode for Allura, honestly. Like "Gonna figure out if this guy is legit ONE WAY OR ANOTHER" and then Lance suggests they take him drinking. In Vino Veritas and all that. Oh god, imagine if Lance and Pidge take Lotor drinking and they actually end up with him seriously dumping about his childhood and life, and that's where the cuddle pile happens.

They still get themselves a Kaltenecker. Shiro has his own Space Mall adventures but like. Plance. They get themselves a Kaltenecker. They're twenty-something and they STILL pull the fountain bullshit.

Shiro: Wait, where did you get a cow? Pidge: [offended gasp] Lance: This is our son! Pidge: There's udders. Lance: This is our daughter!

Lance: Watch me drink a gallon of milk in under a minute. Matt: Camera's rolling! Hunk: YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ADULT HERE.

Black Paladin Lance in the Coalition Performances.

Lance, during lunch one day: Hey, did I get a good funeral? Were there lots of people crying? Hunk: Yeah. I saw Pidge crying in those supposedly hidden corners you showed me like twenty times those first few months, too. Pidge: HUNK! Lance: Well... that's less of an ego-boost and more just a guilt-boost now.

Everyone manages to come home from the war and Pidge is just like "I don't care what anyone says, I'm inviting ALL of our students and coworkers." Lance: Only if I get to invite my entire extended family. Pidge: DEAL.

"Guys, guys, Officer Holt and Captain McClain-Alvarez are getting MARRIED."

"Wait, you're not married already?" Pidge starts to respond and then just gets a funny look on her face and "Lance. Babe. Babe. Do you think Altean medical science would make it easier for me to get a functioning uterus? Less painful? Oh my god, CORAN I NEED TO TALK TO YOU."

...Shiro watches their wedding and absentmindedly talks about Adam for a while and Keith is just... internally groaning.

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