#personal reflections on writing
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Things I've learned and realized writing the fics for Inky's one-week challenge:
I'm a very slow writer; I genuinely struggle writing at least 500 words in one sitting. On good days, I can do 200 words. Inspired, maybe more. Ficlets like ekphrasis and others take me an entire day to finish. It's probably because I start writing with only a vague idea of how to go about it, or I only know the mood but not the details. I'm self-aware enough to be cognizant of my strengths and weaknesses, and I tend to stick to what works for me.
I've always wanted to write lengthy fics! But I never was the kind of writer who could hit more than 10k-word one-shots. My style doesn't lend to that kind of length. When I saw Inky's challenge and read that the max word count per entry is 500 words, I thought to myself, Ooh, I think I can do that. Regardless of the prompts -- though they help too; dialogue and AUs lend to a broadness that appeal to my rigid brain. A 500-word fic means in most cases a one-scene fic. Which frees my mind of context necessary to establish a setting. I don't have to come up with an elaborate backstory and/or explanation why this detail is like this, that detail is like that -- AUs as a trope can fill in the missing pieces to make your fic coherent.
My first fic entry was something that I plan on writing in the future, so it's easy to write it, but it still took me longer (but still within the range of my speed). My second, third, and fourth, I tried something a bit different: I used StimuWrite, an app that helps you focus on writing -- it's also known as a writing tool useful for people with ADHD.
It has a simple UI, with a word count goal and emojis that appear whenever you type words. I chose these settings: darker background (it doesn't hurt the eyes) and typewriter sfx for that legit typing feel. I may put in a bgm from youtube or something, but sometimes I just want to listen only to the sounds of typewriter keys.
I tried StimuWrite before, but it didn't work for me. I gave it another chance this time, and oh lord it's very effective???!???!!!!! I finished 3 fics in under a day. So last Sunday I wrote give or take 2,000 words, which truly blew my mind. As an aside, I recommend you try StimuWrite; it might be effective for you too.
Because of that surprising writing streak, I continued using the app for the rest of the fics. And that writing streak persists! I feel relieved, I feel elated, I feel like I can do this. It's as if my brain loosened up enough to let me do what I want. I'll definitely use StimuWrite in my other fics too --
-- with some conditions, of course. All I know right now is that it works for me if I have a target word count in mind (under 600) and that it's only concentrated on a single scene. So I could focus on one scene whenever I open up the app. But that means that I have an outline of my fic, which isn't a problem for me because I like the mental exercise of outlining. I hope that this would help me come November, as I'll participate in Nanowrimo with my original story project.
Another point I've realized is that limiting yourself with a word count improves your editing skills. I do edit and revise my fics -- but they're mostly in the sort of 'i'll delete this passage because it no longer fits' and 'i'll rephrase this because it sounds awkward'. But in the cases of my sixth and seventh event fics, I had to pare them down because I exceeded the word count requirement. Initially I was reluctant to remove passages but I had to. So I did. I removed some bits and details of the story but rephrased others to still fit them in. I have to shorten some scenes -- and this is revelatory to me somewhat -- which is actually effective for fast-paced action scenes that needed fewer words but with the largest possible impact. Sometimes, shorter is better. It made me productive, for one.
Anyway, this got long wtf? I don't even know if I was coherent about it. There are still a lot of things I'd like to improve on -- such as relying less on my crutch words and metaphors. I haven't the opportunity to read a lot lately, so I need to try at least one page a day. The book I'm currently reading has been sitting on my desk for months. Back then, when I said I wouldn't make a list of read books per year to stop pressuring myself, I didn't mean not to read books at all lmao.
I don't know how to end this post so here's a gif of a puppy on a bowl:
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Ok but guys isn't it actually crazy how Eugene Roe's presence is literally defined by the ineffable silence of God....ep 6 has no narrative voice beyond the languageless vision of Roe's literal perspective....he brings with him silence in every episode he's in like the chaos after Jackson blows himself up stills completely when Doc runs in - they all go silent & frozen & breathless - when any man is wounded the very concept of words beyond orders fail...he talks about how Renee is blessed to calm the wounded she treats but it's evident that he brings with him something even graver than calm; it's unutterable, literally, it's a prayer, it's a response to the silence we meet (Roe meets) in his prayers (it's a reflection on the insane power we - they - have over our own - and their own - mortality - that silent and sometimes apparently godlike capacity to return (to the front lines) from the dead (that hell of lost brotherhood in the hospitals)?)
#and that's why I haven't found it in myself to write roe#because after all what is there to write#empty pages. logs of the dead. remembered prayers#its so sensory and so antithetical to the practical requirements of language#he doesn't describe - he doesn't interpret - he doesn't reflect - he experiences in the immediate#crazyyyyyyy#band of brothers#eugene roe#doc roe#hbo war#ww2#personal#bastogne#episode 6
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I have a request for batfam/Jason Todd fanfic writers:
I love the "Jason Todd is a bookworm/theatre nerd" fics as much as the next person, don't get me wrong, but can we please diversify his interests?
90% of the time when I open a fic with that tag, we see Jason reading Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice or quoting Shakespeare. And not to say that there's anything wrong with any of those being his favourite but even if he loves to read "classical" books, come on!
You're telling me Jason raised-in-crime-alley-spent-his-formative-years-between-an-eccentric-billionaire-and-an-assassin-cult Todd only reads books by dead white people?!
I refuse! Give me a man who takes to books more than ever after his return to Gotham. Jason, who reads books like I am Woman, A Really Good Brown Girl and White Tears/Brown Scars, then recommends them to the working girls as he establishes his territory. Who reads in multiple languages, and who loves Arabic poetry.
Give me a little "Robin is Magic!" Jason scouring Bruce's library and picking up a copy of The Mahabharata after he's done The Iliad, and spends weeks obsessed with Journey to the West.
Give me a Jason who's read Things Fall Apart, and One Hundred Years of Solitude! The number of quotes and references he could pull that would further support his dramatic tendencies? It would make him so happy!
#I could say something bitter about diversity/inclusion in fandoms in general#And how the lack of diversity in people's personal bookshelves is clearly reflected in how they write a bookworm character#who travels the world regularly but for some reason only considers literature written by Europeans to be “classics”#but i won't#ive just given examples of more diverse books that are considered “classics” but don't feel like you have to go that route#the point is to make him a diverse reader!#AGAIN no one come for me! I'm not saying those books aren't classics and he can't enjoy them!#I'm just saying#stop making it the only thing he reads!#batfam#bookworm jason todd#batfamily#ao3#batfam fanfic#jason todd#nerd jason todd#jason todd fanfiction#red hood#dc#dc comics
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Not going to lie, friends, I love a bit of Twisted Fucked Up Gothic Romance but I'm team "no no, he's not twisted or fucked up in the fun way; give Ellen a stake and a mallet and let her do what she richly deserves at this point" re: Nosferatu
obviously you do you! they're fake people and it doesn't matter or say anything about you as a person! if you want to go all Dark Consuming Passion there, that's up to you and does not affect me! that's just where I'm at with it
#fandom#musings#...she said while writing the three leads of Crimson Peak fucking in many permutations#we all have the right to whimsy and caprice re: what squicks us and what doesn't#as long as we don't harass people or treat shipping like it reflects a person's real morals/ethics#I have friends I can't talk to about CPeak because of strong incest triggers and that is A-okay#because they politely said Can You Not and I said Sure and that was it
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chat do we see the vision. perchance
#it's okay if you say no because this is mostly a reflection on my personal engagement with this piece of media and also it looks like shit#i've been increasingly preoccupied with moe angel girls of late#& the way homestuck portrays different forms of violence#how i feel about depicting objectification and trauma . the palatability of such content#being a guy who can only draw cute art and only write horror#well. it makes sense to me!
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the thing is, i don’t disagree that what and how you choose to write about things is a reflection of you, the writer, and cannot be divorced from your beliefs and biases. but to assume that anyone can perfectly pick out your beliefs from a piece of fiction you’ve written is an extremely weird and paranoid thing to claim, especially if you’re positing that the secret truth is that the writer is a dangerous person and they’re “revealing” that through fiction that upsets you, personally. at the end of the day, the artist is not the art, and no matter how upsetting, no matter how much you dislike it, no matter how much it disgusts you, you don’t know the person who made it and you can only guess how who they are shaped what they made.
like, really, is it more likely that the secret “belief” that’s being revealed when you’re reading something that is really upsetting to you is that the author is a secret Bad Person™️ who wants all of this fantasy to happen in real life, or that the author knows it’s a safe and normal thing to create upsetting works of fiction and so did that.
#i think there is something weirdly parasocial about the kind of assumption behind a lot of stuff like this#the assumption that you *know* the person behind a piece. that you ever could. just through reading it.#you know. its the same sort of braindead media literacy that assumes all songs are about the singer’s personal experiences. it’s not that#simple. fiction is never a one-to-one reflection of anything.#always assume that every story you read. IF it reflect anything about the author. then its done so through several extremely heavy layers of#metaphor and flipping the script and talking about something completely different and obfuscating the point.#like. lord of the rings is very clearly a product of tolkien’s time in wwi no matter how he denied its allegory.#but would you be able to guess that if you didn’t already know tolkien served in wwi? just by reading the books? without any background#info at all? no. of course not. it would be ridiculous to take the books on their own without knowledge of the author and conclude frodo’s#experiences are direct reflections of wwi. that’s only a reading you can reasonably make *because* we know so much about tolkien#and you do not know random people online who write the stories you hate. and you never will. and you’re just going to have to live with that#and live with it without making the assumption that not understanding their methods means they’re dangerous. preferably not doing that.
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Cas stitching up his trench coat in one of the motel chairs while Sam and Dean are asleep and quietly talking to Jack about how to him the coat feels as part of himself now as his blade is. That it reminds him that he wasn't always aware of just how deeply humans could feel. How deeply angels could feel. How putting care into something can make it meaningful. The stars were mere pricks of light before humans decided to name them. The more he cares for his coat, the more of his perspective and memory gets sewn into it. The more it becomes his.
"And the pockets," he confides with a deep wink, "Are good for keeping snacks in."
Later, when Dean is asleep again, drooling over an open book of research in the bunker, Jack watches as Cas tucks his coat over Dean's shoulders and sees how he hesitates for a moment before brushing his hand softly through Dean's hair. Dean is transformed, through Cas’s careful attention, from the man who was the gatekeeper of acceptance and goodness to just a man, vulnerable and in need of care.
Jack wonders whether Castiel cares for everyone like they are a precious object. And he wonders what Castiel would transform him into, if he had to be repaired. Jack isn't sure that he likes the idea. He already has a hard time understanding his own morality, how can he also be expected live up to the idea of himself in Castiel's head? The object that Castiel loves? Does he need to be changed in order to become his?
"I could get him my pillow?" Jack suggests, swallowing against the cold mass in his throat when Cas smiles gently at that. He does like it, then, when Jack acts against his own interest.
"That might wake him. We should let him rest."
"He's precious to you."
"He is." Castiel reaches out and puts a hand on Jack's sleeve, expression sincere, "And so are you."
"Right," Jack says, then, "thanks," and holds his smile until Cas wanders back to sit perpendicular to Dean, to watch him until just before he stirred. Castiel and Jack, both, were good at pretending not to feel what they felt.
Watching the angel watch the man, Jack feels like a star. Immense and powerful but also distant, removed. Not special until a real person decides that he is. He is between angel and human. Person and object. Precious and disregarded. He is the blade and the coat, and Jack doesn't know which is worse.
#jack kline#sorry i started this with cute destiel goggles and then i was like. jack robbed of autonomy kline would be freaked out by this actually.#he literally has rocks thrown at him every dayyyyyy#i love making nice sweet statements like 'you are precious to me :)' and having the other person twist them around in their mind to#be a confirmation of their worst fears. always a delight. i do that quite a lot in a light above descending.#continuing the tradition started by supernatural of castiel giving jack horrible pep talks that make him feel worse ☺️#cawis creates#also continuing the tradition of writing fic instead of getting on with my work!!!! gotta critically reflect rn!!!! bye!!!
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Maybe House has made me more in-tune to the secret unhinged side of my favorite characters but I'm watching SVU and Alex Cabot is a menace. (/pos)
"I have to enforce the law, and the law is not always about justice" except random times when she disagrees and will fully become the lawyer for an opposing party in full defiance of her bosses.
"Your honor I simply do not vibe with the law" and will say so in court to the point where she once got held in contempt.
Started her legendary string of "Go After The Large Company Instead of the Obvious Target" cases just because Liv asked.
She will actually do literally anything that Olivia asks...sometimes when she does something especially unhinged I go to check the scene before and 90% of the time she's doing whatever it is to appease some vague whim of Liv's.
Ride or die for the SVU squad as a whole after working with them for less than a year and knowing that they have cost her like all her political capital (something that was very important to her...she says so in her introductory scene).
Exactly predicted fetal personhood legal issues 25 years before the Supreme Court overturned Roe.
Wanted to execute a woman for the first time in NY history for feminism reasons.
Spends like 80% of all work meetings, with other people in the room who are often actively talking to her, just staring at Olivia.
Always down for a Crazy Scheme (especially when she gets to deceive others).
She has a lot of moments of understanding the law as a weapon (ie how to I use it to my own ends as opposed to viewing it as a holy ideal) that is only now actually becoming a common philosophy in law school circles.
WAY more loose-cannon moments in general than I remembered.
Also I feel the need to reiterate just how many bridges she will burn and loops she will jump through for the slightest hint of approval from Olivia. Just...so gay.
Seriously just like how in House a casual viewer may get distracted by Wilson's "Definitely a Normal Person" disguise and miss how he is just as crazy as House, Alex is just as batshit as known exhibitionist-asphyxiation-in-the-middle-of-the-courtroom fan Rafael. And I love her dearly.
#law and order svu#svu#alex cabot#olivia benson#house md#i just love her so much#I know copaganda bad okay#Which is why I rarely recommend the show#But when the police are the good guys I just pretend it's a parallel universe#and understand it in no way reflects reality#and a lot of times what Alex is advocating for isn't good!#like she goes really hard for the death penalty#but my favorites are allowed to have flaws#especially when they are So Pretty#She and CJ Cregg from TWW were pretty much my gay awakening#Will I return to writing Cabenson? Maybe#I have fleeting ideas sometimes#And I never really did a proper angsty character study on her like I've done for Rafael#cabenson#Cabenson for the win (in a very “all ships are valid” personal preference kind of way)
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I feel like if Chujin was still alive during the events of Undertale Yellow, his and Clover's relationship would be incredibly rocky. Pacifist!Clover could bring him around to tolerating them (after all, they have that sort of effect on everyone), but it would be more in a "this human is the only 'good' human" manner than a "maybe I should reevaluate my opinions on humans overall because you can't judge an entire group based off (very biased) stories and one bad experience." Even then, that opinion would be subject to change should Clover ever get frustrated or behave "too aggressively" or act in any manner that isn't perfectly docile. If Clover ends up attacking a monster then it's "humans are just as horrible as they were in the war stories, I should've known better" regardless of the circumstances that could've pushed Clover to fight. Suffocating expectations and endless demands for patience when he wouldn't ask the same of a fellow monster.
And heaven forbid he ever meet Clover on a No Mercy Run...
#undertale yellow#i hc that his parents were involved in the war and he was born after monsters were sealed underground#so he's one degree removed from all that trauma which is understandable why he'd be so afraid#but at the same time Blackjack had similar circumstances and he came around to liking clover and judging based on character#instead of by who someone is.#sometimes you need to sit down and realize that the problem is you and your views instead of everyone else but he doesn't strike#me as the sort to do that type of self reflection.#Chujin is a character who is absolutely ruled by his fear. he leaves kanako and dalv alone after they were attacked by a human#to sicc axis on integrity. he hinged his whole career on building guard robots (and judging by some of the paperwork in the Steamworks#he was the only one who wanted to build guard robots).#he destroyed his health and left his wife a widow/his child fatherless to craft a serum to defeat humans.#he experimented on a human (child's!!!!) soul and ordered his wife to k.ill an INNOCENT human.#he literally says that humans are incapable of decency in any form!!!!! the writing is on the wall!!!!!#not to sound like I'm bashing on his character because he did do a lot of good for the underground. he made the honeydew resort heater#and Martlet's balcony. and it's implied he built the bridge between the wild east and Starlo's family's farm with the fox-bell#symbol on that bridge. he inspired martlet to take up woodwork which put her on the path to joining the Royal Guard and meeting clover#he likely did a bunch of other good things as well that never got brought up. he did do some good actions.#but he is not someone that i would call a good person.#(realized i ended up with a long string of tags down here. if someone wants to screenshot it and add it to the post go for it)#edit: i find it utterly fascinating that he calls humans incapable of decency yet acknowledges that there can be a pure human SOUL#what an utter hypocrite! i doubt the contradiction ever even occurred to him!#uty analysis#char: clover#char: chujin ketsukane
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Honey, I’m home! [LFLS animation meme/PMV]
⚠️ blood cw
+ the yt thumbnail
this will also be premiering at the same time this is posted!
#rottmnt lfls#rottmnt#lfls fanart#green lfls#lfls#lfls leo#This is to celebrate a year after beginning reading it (yes I remembered the time. I’m insane.)#Because it kicked off my ROTTMNT Hyperfixation after discovering the magic of fanfiction then I fell in love with the show#I just enjoyed the content so much more once I had that click#I am still obsessed#So yeah!!!!#Ty random person on roblox that introduced me to it#And ty glitch for writing#Take care all#happy 2024#Maybe we’ll see some more official green this year maybe not but whatever happens I’m here for it#Ok last minute tag if you noticed this comes out at 8:32 cst while the yt premiere technically starts at 8:30 cst#its because I timed it like that ti reflect the exact time#the yt countdown is two minutes lok#ok bye#enjoy#Sherbet’s art
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I'm asking this question because I find it an interesting topic. It relates to the criticism the Tokyo Debunker MC receives.
It's not just TD's MC—it's a common theme in otome and gacha games. Genderless MCs in games like *Obey Me!* and *Twisted Wonderland* face less criticism than female MCs. Even though the genderless MCs get some hate, it’s nowhere near the backlash female MCs receive. For instance, *Twisted Wonderland* had debates about a female MC being unsuitable for an all-boys school, despite the presence of monsters and robots. This debate ended with a female MC in the *Savanaclaw* manga.
Another example is *Tears of Themis*, where the female MC is well-received in my opinion due to her having a character. I am very happy that she isn’t a self insert and people seem to agree.
In contrast, female self-insert MCs like TD's MC and *Love and Deep Space*'s MC get a lot of hate for what seems like trivial reasons. TD's MC is often criticized for being ordinary, while LADS's MC, who is strong and brave, also faces backlash, with some claiming she's rude despite evidence to the contrary.
In conclusion.
woman mc in this day of age can’t have flaws now….wait no they can’t be prefect either! As then they are Mary sue! What do you mean that LI are grey sue as well? No that not true Leo having a backstory would justify his actions don’t you get it? What do you mean we should hold the male characters as same standard? Jin treating mc as a servant is her fault as she didn’t say no…..😐
... so I have two lines of thought about this particular topic, it is something I have thought about for a while because I am working on my own game/games and pay a lot of attention to what people think.
It isn't personality people like it is competence
The love and deepspace MC and Rosa from tears of themis actually have very similar personalities. They are bad at/hate studying. They really love food. They both are sort of dorks and known for being kind. What people like about them isn't any of those things, what they like is that both of them are adult women who you can believe live on their own. They actually have skills related to their jobs, you can believe Rosa is a lawyer and that MC is a hunter, the love interests aren't the only competent people in the narrative. I think this can sort of relate to the target audience for both of these games being working women, but that's for a different post. Right now I really want to focus on that concept of competence: the two other otomes I really love and want to bring up are Amnesia: Memories and Hakuoki. The Amnesia MC makes a lot of really stupid decisions, but as the game title gives away she has amnesia. There is an underlying explanation for why she's a bit dim so I don't see too many complaints about her personality (outside of Toma's route but that is a different story) because you don't exactly expect her to be competent. The same goes for Hakuoki's MC whose name escapes me at the moment, she is the daughter of a doctor so she is never made out to be incompetent in medical matters, but she isn't the best fighter. And she doesn't need to be that's the male love interest's role in this particular story.
The problem with MCs like our dear Luna? I believe you said her default name is, in Tokyo Debunker is that we don't exactly have anything she is stated to be good at beyond boosting Stigmas. The various ikmen games get around this by giving their MCs a job, but we don't have that for Luna so we don't have anything to show some backbone or character so people read her as being a bit of a doormat. Like I have said numerous times before, I don't mind this and think that so long as they keep allowing us to see her thoughts this the writing will be good. A relatively easy fix to this could have been to make her someone who really loves music and constantly talks about it, she was going to a concert at the start of the game so that little bit of character would go a long way for her to be more of a human for people to project themselves onto. Generally speaking, when writing an MC, it is perfectly acceptable to give them certain personality traits and a history. But if you do that you need to make sure the narrative respects that interest and does not use it as an excuse to make the male lead look cooler.
Gender Neutral MCs
*sigh* so you bring up Twisted Wonderland and I uh... have some experience with that fandom! And I have observed the gender wars over Yuu with a weary heart. I genuinely could not care any less about how people identify or the type of o.c.s they make, but some people really really care and if I am honest I find that a bit disturbing. It honestly makes me sad to see fanfic, which used to be a really accepting space, fight over writing... well anything really. m/m blogs screaming about how they don't want fem aligned reading their things, f/f blogs screaming about men, the f/m fic writers feeling the need to defend themselves writing for a female reader- doesn't that exhaust you? Why do you care so much? I do not have the energy to care about people writing fanfic I am not interested in reading, is this because I am anemic or have I managed to be normal about one singular thing?
My personal theory is that the commodification of fanfic and fandom has made people think there is something fundamentally wrong with properties that are marketed towards people who are not them. The reaction to Love and Deepspace not having a male MC option sort of cemented that for me, there is nothing wrong with wanting a game where you can be a man or non-binary and date anime boys. There is also nothing wrong with writing m/m fanfic for a property like lds, or wishing you could play as a man in it. I think there is a genuine market gap in good games for people who aren't fem aligned, but you do not get good games by harassing people or implying they suck for wanting games where you can play as a woman. You get that by financially supporting projects aimed at you! There is a blog I follow on here called @amaregamesdb. They post a bulletin of projects, both vn and if, with an emphasis on making people aware of projects that aren't simply otome (ie male love interests with a female protagonist.) I think the people who run it are also the people who coined the term "amare game" to use for games where the MC isn't necessarily female. They also ran a blog to help people like me learn how to code if/vns so I am very grateful for them, so please do give them your support.
I write for a gender neutral reader because I wanted to write interactive fiction and felt like I needed to practice doing so. I have continued to do because honestly? I really enjoy it. I love seeing how many different people identify with my writing and are moved by it. There are some projects I want to do in the future (original works, not fanfic) that I probably will lock the MC to female for, but I want to continue providing gn fic for people for as long as I write. And original projects too! I have two in particular I am working on behind the scenes. The solution to the problems like "what gender is yuu really," if you will permit me to preach for a second, is to not care. Yana said Yuu was meant to be you, and dear reader I don't actually know who you are! So you can be whoever it is you wish to be in your heart and I will make room for you to sit next to me. I'll even make tea (。•̀ᴗ-)✧
#<3 asks#talking shop#twisted wonderland#tokyo debunker#otome game#i really like people actually#love them if i am being honest#so when people want to see themselves reflected in things i am interested in learning how to do that#i very much see writing things i do not personally relate to as a skill issue i can conquer!#but that takes a bunch of time and a willingness to be bad at it#which is to say i need to read more yaoi so i can get better at writing gay stuff#i intend to start with the epic of Gilgamesh (•̀ᴗ•́ )و
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fairest of the fair
#hi! im alive and back and etc.#six the musical#six the musical fanart#katherine howard#thinking of that post going 'i think eventually you become the person you needed most' and like maybe that's the thing with my art#this started out as a redraw and <improvement meme> i think i've finally reached the stage where i'm making the things that my younger self#aspired to create. like i can do this now! i've reached That level of technical skill! tiny me would be so proud. it's very gratifying#redraw from august this year actually. i've made a surprising amount of improvement HAHA maybe it was the adamandi stuff getting me#back into digital rendering. i think that obsession has quietly slipped away but yknow. one never truly leaves a fandom. just less intensit#also speaking of old fandoms! we're back with the six stuff haha. as of writing i'm in the midst of blog revamp- figuring out how to chill#multifandom status doesn't mean ditch all the old stuff ! but i do feel much freer and less stressed. i think hiatus has been good for me#notes on this piece particularly: redraw about cutting hair and thinking of the lyric above. also lowkey &j ref + pinterest poem excerpts#of female suffering. and maybe a dash of amanda heng let's walk inspo. this work is really just full of contradictions..#1. the mirror and cutting hair as an act of self liberation 2. the & is part of the lyric but also a nod to &j (in another iteration it was#pink but the white looked better) and like. &j is really all !!! girl power!!! etc. and i was like hmmmm. also matching pink shiny aes#3. the frame as a cage; the mirror as a self reflection idea (ie. saville's propped insp) but also as a sign of vanity. 4. sparkly costume#and pretty pose- read one too many poems about women feeling like they have to be pretty even in their suffering. something i wanted to#explore. and also in 5. the show itself... all you wanna do is. despite all the dancing and pink and sparkly the content of the song is#darker. and even though it's a story of her suffering it's still presented as a shiny fun pop song and ajshdhfhfh ok... 6. the lyrics fall#outside the frame. sort of a caught inbetween. sort of a trapped in the narrative and yet#within the frame it's all. vaguely handwavy breaking free vibes. like i said contradictions?#7. cutting off the long ponytail vs the pull my hair lyric at the end. yeah#8. the blocked off & looks a bit like scissors. positioned to cut right at the neck#anyways yeah irl remains hectic! but if i get around to more doodles they'll appear here :)
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It's easy to get the impression that Tetsuji never cared enough to rein in Riko's behaviour and temper but I think it's the opposite. I think Riko grew up constantly being told stuff like, "You have to learn to control your temper" and, "Is that any way to behave?" by Tetsuji. I think Tetsuji would have even disciplined him harshly every time he was caught acting out of anger. But all that is coming from Tetsuji - the man who would beat a kid if they displeased him in any way. How can you ever really take to heart the words of someone who demonstrates the exact opposite of what they preach? How are you supposed to not learn that the real lesson is, "Become the one who has all the power over everyone else and you will never have to suffer criticism for how you behave ever again."
#you cannot tell me that tetsuji isn't every bit as angry and violent as riko#he's just better at hiding it because he directs it at people who can't speak up about it or do anything about it#this is the sort of thing i mean when i say riko is a product of his environment#being treated a certain way reinforces certain behaviour patterns#sometimes those behaviour patterns just feed into a bad cycle which continues to reinforce them#it's not an excuse but it is an explanation#i don't know why i'm even saying this because i actually quite like riko as a character who's an awful person#i like him specifically because he's awful in an interesting way and i wouldn't want it any other way#aftg#riko moriyama#i feel like i could write essays about how riko#despite being a seemingly over the top evil villain actually does a good job of showing some of the worst responses to trauma and#how he reflects the worst that we can realistically become
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Dear Me,
I feel you, I feel the words that you are unable to speak and they come out in the form of harsh sighs of sadness, the situations that killed you in complete stability without a single tear falling from you at a time when sadness was eating away at your heart. I fully understand the amount of conflicts you are going through between your heart’s childish desire and your clinging. With people, between the old age of your heart and your pride that prevents you from looking back, those moments that lured you to cry but you did not cry, and the disappointment that ignited groaning in your soul until you lost your trust in everyone, I understand the meaning of Your fear of people, and your look at them as if they all want to take revenge on you for actions that were not your fault, the feeling of alienation in the places that used to contain you, and loneliness in the crowds and crowds, staying away from people and not believing any kind word, no matter how sincere it is, the memories that suddenly attack you in the middle of the day, turning you into a lost woman. her anchorage, Your loss of the ability to defend yourself and your complete inability to create justifications that seem annoying to people, constant hesitation over the simplest things and endless fears of repeating old defeat and disappointment, Pity for yourself for enduring all of these events with complete calm and your mockery of the possibility of collapse because you do not have the luxury of falling and getting tired. I understand what moodiness does, which suddenly makes him the happiest person on earth, and suddenly you feel as if the earth cannot accommodate your feet, your old pictures with those who broke your heart, and your question is disappointing. Hopes "How did they get so bad?" Your struggle with yourself in order to continue steadfastness for fear of the gloating of those waiting for the moment of your fall, and the constant stubbornness in your desire to avoid people and the continuity of life, which does not care much about your sadness, the constant self-flagellation and violence as if it were your worst enemy, for your confidence, for your naivety, for ignoring messages that were revealing the truth to you. Everyone around you is bad and ugly. I may be a bad person, but at least I know about your sadness, about your collapse, your great ruin, and I know about you..
Love, Me
#writing#letters#love letters#love letter: my true feelings#letter to myself#self care#self love#personal#poetry#literature#love quotes#love qoute#love#relationship#self reminder#self learning#self reflection#self help#self ship#live#life#spilled ink
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Villain-Fucker Angst Hours
Good timezone, darlings~ Are you ready to get all up in your feelings? No? Me neither, loves, but here we are regardless so the words are going to flow as they usually do... This is focused on Raphael from Baldur's Gate 3 and his fandom, but the latter section can easily apply to any villain fandom.
Self-Analysis of Devil-Fuckery, Or Why Do I Adore Raphael When He Is Very Obviously Evil: A Short Essay by TavyliaSin (Who Still Cannot Name Anything With Less Than A Full Paragraph) ((NSFW)) (((Game Spoilers)))
The following may discuss heavier topics, but without specifics, so whilst it should be safe for most to read without triggering any difficult memories please be aware of Raphael's entire vibes, the content and context of his story, and I'd also like to mention that this isn't a "woe be us for we are terrible people" piece, it's actually more about:
"There is an inherent kindness and warmth to much of the Raphael fandom, and I think there could be some common threads behind that, pulling us all in closer in a comforting blanket that we wrap around each other to keep out the cold of the world."
So, what in the nine hells am I on about? Well. Raphael-fandom is a wild and wonderful place to be. The rest is in sections, so feel free to skip through to what you feel is relevant to your interests. I am so prone to waffle I should open a restaurant~
Who Are Fans Of Raphael? What Do They Want?
We are feral, unhinged, all sheets to the wind "I want that devil man, carnally, and there is no force in all the planes that could stop me". There's the vanilla to the extreme and every level in between, tops, bottoms, versatiles, Doms, subs, and switches - there are a whole lot of people who would love to get their hands on either (or both) of Raphael's forms, for a simple smooch or something far more spicy~ [edited in] To add on to this, not all of us even desire him in a sexual way, for many it is romantic, soft, or even just the rather pleasant thought of spending an evening with drinks by the hellfire because he would be fascinating company. Aces, Aros, and AroAces may all find themselves well within the devilish corners of fandom too~ which is a whole other essay~ [end edit] So, I see you. I'm one of you. Extremely loud and utterly hingeless in my fan appreciation for Raphael. He's one of my favourites to write about, I seek art of him, and the same goes for his mirrored other half, Haarlep, who I arguably love more despite there being far less content of them in the game.
And the Fandom? The Vibe?
From my experience in the Raphael Fandom areas, we have a very deep and abiding understanding of consent, respect, and treating each other with an absolute and uncompromising kindness. We've had talks about keeping each other safe in fandom, exchanged details of people we have encountered who need to be avoided, even shared details between moderators of different fandom servers to pre-ban people proven to be creeps and/or art thieves. We've also discussed consent, including the issues with it in the game, and how areas of the story can only really be considered dubious at best and could easily be triggering for people. And these discussions have been open, honest, fair, and with the acknowledgement that most of us love these scenes anyway. So there's a sense of care that runs through everything, behind the horny-posting and fan content, behind the endless thirsting after our favourite fictional characters. We have a depth of kindness that warms my sinners soul every time I see it.
What Does This Have To Do With Self-Reflection, Raphael, or Villainy In General?
Well let's look at Raphael. He's a villain, obviously. He's manipulative, devious, and inherently evil by his very nature. He keeps Hope chained in his basement, constantly subjected to endless torture. There's also mention of how Gortash was sold into his service at a young age, clearly not an enjoyable experience given the other details and how things turn out (particularly as Raphael would need Gortash's own plans to fail entirely in order for him to succeed in his own and get that crown). And as fans, we accept that. We don't sit making excuses, or trying to say "well actually Gortash is a little shit and Hope probably deserve it", and we don't shy away from or conveniently ignore those darker sides of him with malicious intent to enable more evil to flourish. What I noticed, when I allowed the thoughts to continue, is that there is a theme here.
If Evil Can Be Loved Then So Can I
That's the core. Of course, darlings, I am not claiming to be a heinous monster. I certainly do not have a laundry list of crimes that would make the devil himself say "Uh, that's a bit much." But I sure as fuck treat myself like I do sometimes. You see, I think a lot of us have that tendency, to judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else. Our patience, understanding, and forgiveness for others runs deeper than the Mariana Trench, but when it comes to our own flaws? One minor mistake and we think ourselves to be the worst beings ever to disgrace the earth. Thus, the villainy we see reflects how we are treating ourselves. So by loving and accepting all of those things that should be terrible, hated, we are actually learning that no matter how poorly we think of ourselves that we can be worthy of that same love and acceptance. We are extending the affection we are unable to show ourselves to someone we see the worst parts of ourselves amplified within. And that's why villains attract the people with the most kindness. The most forgiveness. Because it takes someone with a truly huge amount of empathy to find love for the embodiment of evil.
Or, IDK, maybe villains are just hot and we're too far down to care.
But wait, before you go!
THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.
All of this is about FICTION. We should never be accepting of the kinds of evil we see in the game irl. We do not owe anyone kindness if they do not show it to us.
What is hot in fiction is not always OK IRL.
Look after yourselves out there, remember that consent is key in all things, and please do try to learn to love yourselves, darlings, you are worthy of it and you should judge yourself by the same standard you judge others. If you are in doubt, if you are worried, if you feel afraid - reach out, talk to someone. There are many who will listen.
Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. You deserve that much.
Oh, and all Raphael fans who understand kindness are welcome around me, any hour of the day, I adore our little fandom circles and would gladly collect all of us together. I'm following a lot of you as soon as I find you, like hunting shiny pokemon~
See you in Avernus, my darling Little Mice, may we all find joy in the Cambion's Embrace~
#baldurs gate 3#raphael#bg3 raphael#villain fucker#personal reflection#analysis of the inner mind by a complete amateur#listen the thoughts get loud then I write them down darlings it happens all the time#love yourself please#you are worth more than you give yourself credit for#and keep loving those villains! it's good for you!#be kind to yourself#and be kind in the community#did this even make sense? well it's there now so tough#DMS are open for fellow fans with excellent taste~
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Saw someone say "Megatron and Optimus barely interact in IDW1" and that feels like a very has-only-read-MTMTE thing to say kskdodndd because like sure they didn't co-star in the same long running series for 50+ issues like other characters did (like MTMTE characters interacting with each other or exRID or WB/TAAO) but to say they BARELY interact??? They interact a lot both in superficial "blah we're fighting a war" ways and in super lore important moments/series and also in incredibly homosexual there-is-no-straight-explanation-for-this moments like
Off the top of my head these are some series/storylines/issues where they interact directly. Defining interaction as anything from "the whole story is about them" to "their interaction is a plot element but not necessarily the main focus" to "they interact but only for a few lines":
The Autocracy trilogy (Autocracy, Monstrosity, Primacy)
Stormbringer
All Hail Megatron
The Transformers ongoing 2009 (with emphasis on Chaos Theory and Police Action for the most gay moments)
That one issue where Megatron grabs OP's spark through his chest Mortal Kombat style
Dark Cybertron
MTMTE (past OP in Elegant Chaos, Functionist Universe OP, and current day OP during Dark Cybetron and Megatron's trial)
And then there's other times where IDW1 Megatron and Optimus aren't in front of each other interacting/speaking with each other but are still thinking of each other:
The prelude to Dying of the Light where OP hears the LL distress signal and is afraid (not explicitly for Megatron but like he put Megatron on that ship)
MTMTE, Megatron tells Ravage that something he said to Optimus was the turning point of how he viewed himself
MTMTE again, Megatron all but says aloud that he made Tarn into Tarn to spite Optimus
One of the GI Joe crossovers where Optimus symathizes with a Joe over what it feels like 'to believe in someone who everyone else sees as past redemption' while an image of Megatron is literally behind him in his thoughts
So like, IDW MegOP has plenty of canon interactions and even if not all of them are very long moments (i.e. are only a few lines alluding to each other) there's still plenty of interactions between them. Plus I would say that it's pretty powerful how even the small, blink-and-you-miss-it dialogue moments actually indicate that Megatron and Optimus view each other as focal points where different decisions/beliefs they had revolved in some way around the other person. I think it's cool and compelling that IDW Megatron and Optimus express so often (even if only in thought) that the other person shaped who they became, or THEY did something specifically in reaction/spite towards the other, or where something they did to the other troubles them and lingers in their minds.
#megop#most of the moments where they think of each other even when apart are by JRO#bc 1. JRO is a megop fanboy and 2. JRO actually writes character relationships and not just plot w dashes of relationships#squiggposting#anyways you know that i'm always here to be an idw megop salesman lmao#and i think it's really romantic how much idw megs and idw op like. revolve around each other#bc imo good ship dynamics arent just the explicitly romantic or friendly things but like#the mutual respect. the influence on each other. the memories of each other#seeing the other person as a key influence in your life or someone who you sought to affect in some way#thinking about the other person even when theyre a galaxy away#using your memories of how you treated that person as a reflection of how you view yourself as a person#knowing enough about someone to know when theyre bullshitting or are hiding depth (OP to M)#knowing someone well enough to know their weaknesses vulnerabilities and desires (M to OP)#like with idw megop there's enough in canon to support the idea 'yeah these guys are intimate w each other'#not sexually but in the sense they know each other as people and thus have the foundation for a relationship
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