#perfectionism strikes again

[catguangcorner]

sick and twisted i have no time to write about my silly gay people (shiguang fan fiction) and instead have to write about my serious gay ppl (short story for my degree. that i chose but am complaining about)

[v4vile-a]

i am here and i will be getting to my starters/replies, i'm just working to shape chris' voice in a way that REALLY evokes his character. and then finally, i will interact :3

[alienducky]

Ok. Now to spend the next day or so working out if the fact that the neck plates slope up/inwards which means I need to undo and redo both the two neck plates and throat, or if I can convince myself it doesn't matter this is just for me and I'll love my wyvern regardless

. . .

Sigh. Just. Sigh

[captain-krow-drozdov]

Ugh Of All The Things For My Sick Brain To Decide To Do; Deciding It Doesn't Like How My 11,661 Word Entry To My 2 For The Price Of 1 AU Reads And Wanting To Rewrite The Bloody Thing Wasn't What I Was Expecting.

[ethereal-feline]

me writing a mha/toh fanfic: ....do I make each chapter an "episode" or split it like turtletales?

Edit like an hour later?: ...I think I might just finish this chapter then do a one shot and see how I feel. I already "dropped" 2 fics from writing rotation because it just felt like a lot

That being said I might ramble about those ideas here because what else does a fic writer do with unfinished wips

[private-bryan]

I smudged the cover on the antepenultimate step (a word that needs to be used more often, there)!

If it were just for me I'd let it stand, but as it's a gift honor dictates I've got to start the casing again...

[shinylights]

me, wanting to be ‘perfect’ at something right from the start 😭😭😭😭 then getting frustrated cuz i can’t do it right & it doesn’t look good 😔😔😔

[meanya]

Silly Game Time: We are taking to the high seas as pirates ... and you're the captain!

Now, the Skull and Crossed Bones is a general classic for pirate flags, of course, but we need to personalize *your* flag so people know it's *you* who's looting their booty. Instead of those crossed bones, what does your skull have with it?

Hm... that's a tough one!

I'd be tempted to say like, a flower for kindness or a paintbrush for artistry, but I suppose in this theoretical scenerio I would be a pirate, not an artist, and a killer considering the skull, not a... spare-er ??

Assuming those things were the case... IDK, maybe I'd just go with like. Flowers anyways? Flowers growing out of the eye sockets ig?

[oc-lootcrate]

@hana-akari​ LIKED for a starter !!

It wasn’t often that the Iwa-nin was stunned into silence, Kyoko always having some kind of sharp retort ready and waiting right on the tip of her tongue, however, considering the circumstances, the most she could feasibly muster was hushed nonsense at the scene she’d been greeted with on her journey to Konohagakure. The sight of an area that one could only imagine what truly took place, a large crater left in the earth right in the center of what was now a clearing, the nearby trees to said dent having cracked and toppled over leaving a huge mess behind.

❝What in the world?❞ This was the most coherent thing that Kyoko was able to get out, hand reaching up to hold onto one of the straps on her backpack while the other pushed stray hairs away from her face. ❝Who... what in the world... did this?❞

She wouldn’t be surprised if it had been a someone rather than a something, but there was another part of her that wondered what type of person exactly could do this much damage. Kyoko herself was just your run-of-the-mill shinobi, not one of those people known for their godlike abilities or insane jutsu, not to mention she herself had never come across someone who is like that, she she would be lying if she said she knew what happened.

Kyoko finally seemed to come to her senses as she frantically took a look around her, trying to see if there was anyone around; if whoever or whatever was still around the area, there wasn’t exactly much stopping them from coming and killing her off. Taking her quick look around, the only sign of life she saw was that of someone in the distance with pink hair that reminded Kyoko of cherry blossoms, said person steadily getting closer to her rather than further away. Kyoko would either get the answers that she seeks, or she’d have a fight she was too slow to avoid.

[lightcreators]

There  has  been  no  reaction  towards  his  sudden  confession  about  how  he  didn't  ressurected  in  time  his  sister.  Though,  that  betraying  sentence,  that  anchored  grief  who  flattered  his  features  once  in  a  while  if  he  wasn't  careful  of  his  expression,  wasn't  something  she  must  have  known  often,  right  ?  Though,  silent  gratitude  was  presented  he  expressed  no  words  towards  the  subject.  He  learned,  day  after  day,  how  to  not  confessing  that  suffering  as  easily  as  it  came,  to  exposing  the  horrible  shattering  fragment  of  his  soul,  the  horrible  confession  how  he  didn't  know  how  to  carry  on  inside  that  world  without  his  sister.  Mentally,  he  achieved  the  move  to  accepting  it  was  the  past.  Well,  afterwards  having  no  other  choice  of  the  knoweldge  and  the  realization  he  hadn't  been  waited  in  the  Underworld.  His  wound,  that  shape  of  an  emotional  knife  who  emotionally  hurt  him  once,  wouldn't  never  find  peace  no  matter  how  much  he  could  reach  an  escape  of  it.  A  small  statue  of  Hades  will  endlessly  remind  him  of  the  invisible  cruelty  of  the  Underworld,  of  the  implicability  of  a  soul's  circle,  without  blaming  his  father  for  what  had  happened.  It  was  something  lighter  about  what  he  could  admit  of  his  existence  as  an  half-blood.  To  some  extent,  he  had  outcasted  himself  by  taking  risk  of  venturing  into  the  mortal  world,  knowing  danger  he  might  represent,  or  his  ghostly  appearance  as  a  dire  omen  of  death.  If  he  could  prevent  Thanatos  from  settling  further  with  his  weak  influence,  and  others  from  suffering  same  tragic  fate   …  Quietly,  he  swallowing  up  thoughts  and  reached  his  composure  to  return,  as  he  anticipated  how  an  dreamy  space  awoken  an  hidden  distress.  He  didn't  ask  for  anything  in  return,  no  matter  where  he  might  one  day  show  up.  If  he  was  just  accepted  without  receiving  any  judgement  for  who  he was.

A  crack  betrays  his  expression  in  her  simple  question.  What  happened  ?  He  vaguely  remembered,  which  was  blurry,  but  some  sensations  hadn't  been  forgotten.  ❝   I  lived  in  constant  fear  of  being  killed.  To  just  being  looked  at  as  a  strangeness,  where  if  I  wanted  to  be  myself,  I  had  to  be  careful  with  what  I  said  …  or  that  even  what  I  was  was  against  the  laws  of  the  ordinary,  that  it  was  disgusting,  and  that  I  was  going  to  be  punished  horribly  in  the  afterlife  for  daring  to  have  just  different  thoughts.  ❞   Difference  confessed  about  wasn't  his  half-blood  position,  but  something  else,  something  he  didn't  wanted  to  ever  getting  close  outloud.  Nevertheless,  he  couldn't  just  expose  what  happened  ?  without  an  remnant  of  context  associated  to  it.  His  next  words  would  sound  horribly  strange,  nevertheless,  she  had  to  receive  his  honestly.  ❝   Having  fear  expand  around  you,  with  every  step,  every  time  you  go  out,  to  become  a  terror  that  seems  inescapable,  is  a  particular atmosphere  to  experience.  ❞   Enough  to  have  never  been  surprised  when  a  golden  butterfly  had  first  appeared  …  enough,  upon  touching  it  once,  understanding  his  nature,  to  have  left  no  word  of  surprise  at  literally  having  Deimos  by  his  side.  Deimos  who  had  accompanied  him  for  a  very  long  time,  where  he  was  just  there,  and  it  was  comic  how  much  he  appreciated  this  invisible  support  behind  his  back,  watching.  There  was  another  moment  of  silence,  as  there  was  an  gentle  expression  towards  her  note.  ❝   ---  or  worse,  they  would  kill  to  have  the  same  thing  or  want  to  seize  it  by  force.  ❞   There  was  another  moment  of  silence,  in  which  heaviness  of  his  sentence  would  have  his  effect.  ❝   Having  powers  is  a  dream  that  every  mortal  kid  can  have  at  some  point,  but  to  have  it  mean have  your  life  in  danger  at  every  moment.  What  seems  cool  becomes  a  burden,  where  our  powers  will  almost  never  be  enough  for  our  hardships.  Otherwise,  tragedy  wouldn't  be  marked  on  our  steps.  The  mortal  desire  for  an  crown  and  feeling  powerful  ?  It  drives  mortals  to  show  their  darkness.  ❞ 

                   ˜”*°•.     It  was  interesting ;  just  how  much  of  a  different  life  the  two  of  them  possessed .  How  much  different  of  people  they  were .  Yet,  somehow ,  she  felt  like  they  could  understand  each  other .  Maybe  she  was  stuck  in  a  downspiral  that  felt  so  little  in  front  of  everything  the  other  had  to  deal  with .  Perhaps  her  problems  were  so  ridiculous  in  front  of  everything  he  had  to  narrate .  However,  still  somehow,  she  felt  like  he  was  the  only  person  in  the  entire  world  she  could have  a  conversation  with .  The  one  person  that  expected   nothing  of  her,  no  forced  smile,  no  glow,  no  pretend.  And  for  that,  she  couldn’t  NOT  be  more  appreciative  than  this. 

❝ What  happened ? ❞  Question  about  him  experiencing  something  similar   escaped  her  lips .  She  honestly  couldn’t  imagine  what  power  beyond  the  ordinary  would  look  like.  Would  it  make  them  all  happier ?  All more  desperate ?  She  couldn’t  even  imagine  what  SHE  would’ve  done  if  she’d  ever  possessed  it.  Probably  not  something  good  if  she  could  judge  from  her  own  past  decisions.   ❝ Well ,  it’s  what  people  do,  isn’t  it ?  They  do  take  something  nice,  and  they  just use  it  in  the  worst  way  possible. ❞  It  wasn’t  just the  power  beyond  the  human realms ;  it  was  every  little  thing  that  could  be  touched.  Chances  turning  into  ash.  Money  turning  into  pain .   So,  the  power  he  was  talking  about ?  Well,  it  would  set  the  world  on  fire  in  less  than  a  day  if  they  ever  got  a  taste  of  it.

[astroa3h]

Chiron through the signs ✨

Chiron, the wounded healer, is a celestial body that carries profound significance in our astrological journey. Its placement in your chart reveals where you harbor deep, often unspoken pain, and paradoxically, where you possess the unique power to heal others. But let's get one thing straight: Chiron is not a fluffy, feel-good part of your chart. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s the stuff we don’t talk about at dinner parties.

If your Chiron is in Aries, you’ve likely struggled with your sense of identity. You’ve been burned by rejection, by the feeling that no matter how hard you try, you’re never quite good enough. You might feel like you’re constantly at war with yourself, and this inner conflict can manifest in a need to prove yourself over and over again. But here’s the truth: the only person you need to prove yourself to is you. Stop fighting battles that don’t exist. Instead, recognize that your wound is your power. You have the ability to lead, to inspire, to be the trailblazer who shows others that self-acceptance is the greatest victory. When you stop looking for validation outside of yourself, you’ll find it within.

With Chiron in Taurus, the wound runs deep in your sense of security and self-worth. Maybe you’ve never felt truly stable, either financially or emotionally. You might cling to material possessions or relationships, thinking they will fill the void inside you. But I sense that this is a trap. The more you try to hold on, the more you lose sight of what really matters: your own intrinsic value. The key here is to redefine what security means to you. It’s not about what you have; it’s about who you are. When you start to appreciate your own worth, you’ll find that the external world mirrors that back to you. Your healing comes from knowing that you are enough, just as you are.

Chiron in Gemini speaks to wounds around communication and self-expression. You might feel like you’re never truly heard or understood, like your voice is lost in the crowd. This can lead to a fear of speaking up, of sharing your thoughts and ideas. But let me tell you, your voice is powerful, and it’s needed. Your challenge is to push through the fear, to find the words even when they don’t come easily. When you do, you’ll find that your words have the power to heal, not just yourself but others too. Your gift is in connecting the dots, in seeing the big picture, and helping others do the same. Don’t shy away from that. Your voice is your superpower.

If your Chiron is in Cancer, the wound is tied to your sense of belonging, to home and family. Maybe you’ve never felt like you truly fit in, or perhaps there’s a deep hurt connected to your childhood or your relationship with your mother. This wound can make you feel emotionally exposed, vulnerable in a way that’s hard to protect yourself against. But here’s what you need to know: your sensitivity is not a weakness; it’s a strength. You have the capacity to create the safe space you’ve always longed for, both for yourself and for others. Your healing comes from nurturing, from creating a sense of home within yourself. When you do, you’ll find that the world feels a lot less hostile.

With Chiron in Leo, the wound strikes at your sense of self-expression and creativity. You might feel like you’re always in the shadow, never truly able to shine in the way you want. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, like you’re not special enough, not talented enough. But I’m here to tell you that this is a lie. You were born to shine. Your challenge is to step into the spotlight, to own your gifts, and to stop comparing yourself to others. When you embrace your uniqueness, you’ll find that your light not only brightens your world but illuminates the path for others too. Your creativity is your medicine; use it.

Chiron in Virgo touches on issues of perfectionism and self-criticism. You might feel like you’re never quite good enough, like you’re always falling short of some impossible standard. This can lead to a constant state of anxiety, of feeling like you need to fix yourself or others. But let me give you a reality check: perfection is an illusion. The more you chase it, the further away it gets. Your healing comes from accepting your imperfections, from realizing that you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love and respect. When you let go of the need to be perfect, you’ll find peace. And that peace will allow you to help others find their own.

Chiron in Libra brings wounds related to relationships and balance. You might struggle with feeling like you’re always the one giving more, always the one trying to keep the peace. This can lead to resentment, to feeling like you’re never truly valued for who you are. But here’s the deal: you need to stop seeking balance outside of yourself. True balance comes from within. When you find that inner equilibrium, your relationships will naturally start to reflect that. You have the ability to create harmony, to bring people together, but only when you’re in harmony with yourself. Stop trying to please everyone and start pleasing yourself.

With Chiron in Scorpio, the wound is deep, connected to issues of power, control, and transformation. You might have experienced trauma or betrayal, something that has left you feeling powerless or out of control. This wound can lead to a fear of intimacy, a fear of being vulnerable. But here’s what I know: your power lies in your ability to transform. You have the capacity to rise from the ashes, to reinvent yourself in a way that others can only dream of. Your healing comes from embracing the darkness, from facing your fears head-on. When you do, you’ll find that your power is unstoppable. You are the phoenix; don’t be afraid to burn and be reborn.

Chiron in Sagittarius touches on wounds related to belief systems and the search for meaning. You might feel like you’re always questioning, always searching for something that feels true. This can lead to a sense of restlessness, of never feeling truly grounded. But I sense that your journey is not about finding the answers; it’s about embracing the journey itself. Your healing comes from trusting your own inner wisdom, from realizing that you don’t need to have all the answers to be on the right path. When you embrace the adventure, you’ll find that the meaning you’re searching for is already within you.

If your Chiron is in Capricorn, the wound is tied to issues of authority, responsibility, and achievement. You might feel like you’re always carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, like you need to be the strong one, the responsible one. This can lead to a fear of failure, of not living up to expectations. But here’s the truth: you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Your value is not in what you achieve but in who you are. Your healing comes from letting go of the need to control, from trusting that you are enough just as you are. When you do, you’ll find that success comes naturally, without the struggle.

Chiron in Aquarius brings wounds related to individuality and belonging. You might feel like you’re always on the outside looking in, like you don’t quite fit in with the crowd. This can lead to a fear of being different, of standing out. But let me tell you, your difference is your gift. You were not born to fit in; you were born to stand out. Your challenge is to embrace your uniqueness, to find your tribe, the people who get you, and to stop trying to conform. When you do, you’ll find that your individuality is exactly what the world needs. You are the change-maker, the innovator, and your healing comes from embracing that.

Finally, with Chiron in Pisces, the wound is connected to spirituality and the dissolution of boundaries. You might feel like you’re always picking up on the emotions of others, like you’re drowning in a sea of feelings that aren’t even yours. This can lead to a sense of confusion, of not knowing where you end and others begin. But here’s the secret: your sensitivity is your superpower. You have the ability to tap into the collective consciousness, to feel deeply and to heal others through your empathy. Your healing comes from setting boundaries, from learning to protect your energy while still being open to the world. When you do, you’ll find that your compassion is your greatest strength.

Chiron is not here to break you; it’s here to make you whole. By understanding its placement in your chart, you can turn your wounds into wisdom, your pain into power.

Blessings,

Ash ✨

Get your own reading at astroash.net

[arcanesea]

give up

PAIRING: jeon wonwoo x reader GENRE: hurt-comfort, burned-out gifted kid WC: 501 WARNING: reader is heavily demotivated, violent self-thoughts

"What if I just give up?" You ask nonchalantly. The book in your hands long forgotten because you can't get a single word into your head.

"That doesn't sound like you at all, though," Wonwoo commented, earning a sigh from you.

"What am I like?" you ask him then. Slipping your thumb to the page you last read, holding it in one hand. You look up to him, waiting for his response.

"I don't know, darling. What do you want to be like?" he asks back. He places his hand on your cheek, caressing it with such tenderness that makes you want to ramble all day and night to him. "You know I'm here if you want to talk, right?"

You know. Hell, he's the reason why you have the courage to explore your emotions, navigating the bubbling joy and boiling rage you experience day by day. He's always careful with his words. He knows all the right things to say at the right time.

"I don't know," you sighed again, sitting down now. What do you want to be like? Has your academic achievement been enough? Moreover, is it worth all the sleepless nights, and nauseating afternoons you had to embrace in order to get those striking A's? Or is it finally taking its toll on you when you're one step from graduating? Perfectionism like a barbed wire, tight around your throat.

Wonwoo take your hand in his. He knows everything. About the way you read everything but understand nothing at the same time, about your frustration of building a flawless method for your research, about your restless consultation. He's always ready to lend a hand if you need one, but most of the time, you only require his shoulder to cry on.

"Want to know what I think?" he asks you, tracing circles on the back of your hand. You nodded, tears are threatening to spill if you ever did as much as blink. "I think you did great so far."

You open your mouth to protest but fall back to silence. Nothing works on you anymore, you wish his word would change that.

"I also think that it's okay if you haven't figured it out yet, after all, it's a tough process. I would tell you that everyone has their own timing, but you also need to know that you don't have forever. For this one specific thing, you don't have forever. If you want to try other stuff, if you want to know what you truly love doing in life, you don't have forever to figure this one out."

And you hate how much he's right about that. You can't juggle everything in one timeline or you'll burst into flames, consumed by your own greed for achievements.

Wonwoo called your name, swiping a tear that finally escaped.

"But I hope it eases you to know that I will spend my forever walking beside you, holding your hand. You don't have to figure it all out by yourself."

a/n. this is very much self-insert idk what else to tell you bcs i be doing everything except my thesis:)

[fire-fira]

I am not sure how much you are into analysis but I want to ask. Do you think raph isn’t as good of a fighter compared to his brothers? because I have a feeling either he’s holding back when sparring with them over fear of harming them or he’s not as good as them.

Anon, you just made my day because this gives me an excuse to nerd out at length. (Though apologies that it took me so long to get this fully written out and posted.)

Disclaimer before I launch into it in full: to fairly compare Raph to his brothers I'm going to do a brief run-down of the three of them before breaking into the full details on him. A lot of this is built on extrapolation from details in various canons and at times might edge toward headcanon territory, though I'll be trying to stick with what's actually present.

With that out of the way--

Comparing Raph to His Brothers

So to start with, I can only fairly do this deep-dive by briefly touching on each of his brothers before getting to Raph himself. I'll say upfront that I think it's less a question of which one is the "best fighter" and more that they're each different types of fighters, each with their own strengths and weaknesses and which might land any of them in the position of "the best" depending on the circumstances.

Leo

Strengths: This is an extrapolation based on various iterations (2003, 2007, 2012, 2014/2016, ROTTMNT, 2023, Batman vs. TMNT, and a little bit of the IDW comics), but Leo strikes me as a tactician-- as the guy who can extrapolate to fifteen different possibilities for the outcome of a fight and fifteen steps ahead of everyone else on each of those possibilities. At his best he knows how to play to his brothers' strengths, put them where needed, and let them go to do their own thing. He's also persistent and willing to put himself through his paces over and over again until he 'perfects' what he wants to learn how to do. As a "traditional" (romanticized) example of a warrior, he is the golden boy of the family. Rise Leo might be a little less likely to get every step 'just so,' but most iterations of him aim to be as flawless as possible in terms of his combat skills. In his ideal world, he will never have a misplaced swing of a sword or inflict any damage he doesn't intend to. That depth of knowledge and highly-trained skill can be damned terrifying for his enemies if it's taken to its fullest extreme.

Weaknesses: His perfectionism and desire to get things 'just right' is a double-edged sword. In the 2003 series it got wrapped up in his PTSD and the need to never make a critical mistake again (which... didn't work out well for him-- hi, shades of Raph at his worst); in the 2007 movie it led him to think his efforts to learn how to be a better leader weren't "good enough" and kept him away from home for two years; in the 2012 series it led him to ignore critical injuries and try to bully himself into being 'better' (when realistically what he did during the farmhouse arc probably would have permanently destroyed one of his knees); in the 2014/2016 movies it led him to temporarily damage his relationship with his brothers by spilling over the worst of his internal perfectionistic vitriol onto them; and in Rise it at times has turned him into a showoff who'll act without letting the others in on his plan (which can backfire horrendously in a worst-case scenario) because if he does it without telling others what he's going to do, then he gets bragging rights if it works out like he planned. Underlying all this is what could turn into an unmanageable case of anxiety depending on the version of Leo and how personally stable he is, as well as how susceptible he is to ruminating over where he feels he went wrong. To say nothing of how many versions of Leo have a GIANT self-sacrificing streak when it comes to their families. Under the right circumstances-- and if someone really intended to make it hurt-- they could easily play all that against Leo and get him to freeze due to overthinking. (Though getting him to that level would take an extreme case and some severe emotional damage to weaponize his guilt.)

Speed: OKAY. Here's where things get a little more cut-and-dried in my opinion-- if a fight is down to just speed anyway. Leo might be pretty neck-in-neck with Raph in terms of speed, maybe just a touch faster due to (generally) being more lean-built than Raph. Leo's not a tank; yes he can fight in close quarters or mid-range and hold his own, but if he can then he tends to be 'slippery' about it. He's not going to batter away at an enemy if he can spin out of range before darting back in and dodging whatever hits he can. If it's just a matter of speed without any other factors involved, then there's a good chance Leo will win in a fight against Raph. If it's a question of strength and endurance though... Well, I'll expand further on that when I get to Raph.

Adaptability: This is something that is absolutely dependent on which version of Leo we're talking about and how hung up that version is on his plans without taking the general chaos of life into account. 2012 and 2014/2016 Leo both are guilty of getting so hung up on the idea that their approach to a combat situation is the right way that they fail to plan for the fact that their brothers' ways of doing things isn't their way of doing things. Which blows up in their faces spectacularly sometimes. IF it's a version of Leo who's more likely to fail to take into account his brothers' differing styles, then Raph might easily play that against him and deliberately do things Leo would find unpredictable (though probably not as much as Mikey, lbr). For versions of him that are better about knowing that his own approach isn't the only/'best' approach, then Leo would be better able to roll with whatever Raph throws his way, within reason.

Combat Style/Approach: Mid-to-close-range, tactician, and definitely NOT a grappler. Yes, his skills and training have him moving with muscle memory when he needs to, but even so, there's a split-second awareness of what his opponent(s) could do and instinctively reacting based on what he's met with. A lot of that means he has to be free to move and avoid getting held in place, or things might go bad quickly.

Donnie

Strengths: No matter which iteration of Donnie you're talking about, you're generally talking about an engineer who's able and willing to casually heft up and carry around a car engine with his bare hands. And considering (with a quick google search) it looks like the average car engine weighs anywhere between 300 to 700 pounds, that alone is proof enough that no one in their right mind would ever want to be punched by Donnie. And considering there are instances where he's able to temporarily support the weight of himself and his brothers (a couple of scenes in the 2003 series are what immediately come to my mind, but that's just my favorite iteration showing itself) it's proof that he has that strength not just in his arms. To give you an idea of just how much weight that implies he can lift, here's a size and weight comparison of some of the largest turtle species currently living.*

Notice anything? Like how... Oh... I dunno... a 4-foot-long Loggerhead sea turtle can weigh up to 400 pounds? Or a 3-foot-long Leatherback sea turtle can weigh 550 pounds on the light end? (Note: this is not meant to be snarky or condescending, just a simple statement of fact that all signs point to these boys are fucking HEAVY.) And that huge amount of weight relative to their body size seems to be pretty consistent among turtle species from what I've seen with my digging around. Which logically implies that the same holds true for these boys, and if we play fast-and-loose with the idea that we can roughly translate length to height... well... For general weight of the boys, I tend to assume at least 200 pounds, at least for those under and up to about 5-foot-tall. For the 2014/2016 set I might even suggest somewhere between 400-500 pounds-- but roughly comparing weight to size with that table of large turtle species, I'm probably severely underestimating their weight all across the board. Being generous, hypothetically saying all four of the 2003 turtles are about 240, that then means there are moments in the 2003 series where Donnie is temporarily lifting around 960 pounds, including himself. AND THAT MIGHT BE A SEVERE UNDERESTIMATION. Terrifying, right? So yes, Donnie is unquestionably strong as hell and maintains that strength by working on his various projects, and a full-force hit from him would land someone in a hospital-- if they're lucky. The other main thing working for him is that he's a tech genius. No, he's typically not as rigid or disciplined in his training as Leo is, but if he has access to tech and distance then he has a whole host of weapons and traps he can bring to the party (something which Rise Donnie excels at in spades). Raph's a much more physical direct-confrontation fighter, but Donnie has the capacity to turn entire environments against his enemies, depending on the means he has at his disposal.

Weaknesses: For better or worse, Donnie's primary personal strength-- the one he leans on above all else-- is his intellect and being able to puzzle things out. And again, he's an engineer: yes he can lift and move that terrifying amount of weight, but he's usually not doing it at speed. (Because let's be real, moving heavy and potentially very breakable machinery is not something you want to do quickly when you want to be able to use or repurpose said machinery.) He's not a slouch when it comes to his ninjutsu training, but there's a reason why the concept of Donnie pulling the 'I'm too busy to train right now' is a widespread fandom concept. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's not 'as good of a ninja', but more that he's not a 'traditional' ninja and has had to adapt things to his preferred methods. Yes he has a lot of physical strength, but he prefers to keep a distance from his opponent(s) if possible. Doing so, having that distance, gives him more time to plan and respond-- because unlike Leo, a lot of iterations of Donnie don't have that ingrained ability to read the possible actions their opponent(s) might take and respond on a dime (or at least not to the same level). Raph's tendency to brute force things-- something which Donnie technically could do but clearly does not like to-- might be somewhat unpredictable for him, especially because that puts Raph in close and doesn't give Donnie as much time to respond as he would like. All that said, Donnie could technically win a fight against Raph without his tech if he pretty much said to hell with fighting and decided to do an imitation of an octopus. At the very least he could probably hold him in one place if he was quick enough and managed to get Raph's arms pinned. And somehow kept him from walking. (It wouldn't be a dignified win, but it might still technically be a win.)

Speed: I'm gonna be honest, I do not think speed is on Donnie's side in comparison to his brothers. If he really makes an effort (rather than just going his own route and pursuing his interests) he'd probably be able to keep up with the others going at full tilt for a little while, but he'd probably tire out first. A lot of the work he does due to his areas of expertise is fairly sedentary, and frequently he needs to move with slow and deliberate precision. There's a lot of fine muscle control involved in that kind of work (especially if it involves maneuvering something heavy), but being able to consistently do that doesn't automatically translate to being able to do something similar at high speed. But that's okay, because if he has the distance and varied means of attack he needs, then he doesn't have to worry about keeping up with his brothers for an extended period of time-- it just has to be long enough.

Adaptability: If it involves tech or computer systems, Donnie's ability to adapt to a situation is unparalleled. Give him unrestrained access to an unfamiliar and shiny (and incredibly pervasive) system and he'll be able to make it seem like a tech apocalypse is targeting one specific person if he wants to. If it's a head-to-head physical fight though, it really depends on how desperate he is or how much breathing room he has (or both). If he's frazzled and panicky then there's the possibility he'll miss several opportunities or potential tools and, in a worst-case scenario, he might freeze. (An extreme example of this is how Rise Donnie gave up fighting the crab men when his tech failed, after all his brothers had already failed in that fight.) If he has time and space to think then he's practically unstoppable, but if he doesn't have that breathing room then chances are things won't end well for him.

Combat Style/Approach: Distance fighter, brain-over-brawn, could be a grappler if necessary but uncomfortable enough with it that it might work against him, might as well dub him a 'trap master' for the little surprises he might leave in his wake if he's feeling spiteful. He's a schemer, but not a chess master.

Mikey

Strengths: If there's one thing that can be said for Mikey it's the fact that most versions of him are innately gifted at picking up kinesthetic knowledge, to say nothing of the fact that he tends to be the most spiritually gifted of the brothers. In fact in several series (2003 and 2012 off the top of my head, though I'm certain it may have popped up in others) it's briefly mentioned that if Mikey really buttoned down and was completely serious about his ninja skills he would outclass Leo-- which means that he can naturally slide into the level of skill Leo has worked for years to achieve without even really thinking about it. If he wants to. And most of the time he doesn't want to. (Too much responsibility being that serious, so who can blame him?) However, his not constantly going at the equivalent of Level 99 in a videogame in fights isn't necessarily a detriment to him, because he has other ways to stay true to himself while giving himself an edge. Like being annoying on purpose. And knowing how to aggravate the hell out of his opponents until he tricks them into getting sloppy. Until he tricks them into giving him easy openings they should REALLY know better than to give him-- and would if he hadn't deliberately torn their nerves to shreds. If it's not obvious, I'm saying versions of Mikey like to play mind-games, and if they really want to they can be vicious about it and make it HURT. (Though again, most versions of Mikey are more invested in goofing off and playing around than being outright vicious or serious.) The point is, if he finds a mental opening that sticks, then how invested he is in winning the fight will dictate how serious he is about exploiting that weakness. To say nothing about how creative he can get when he really wants to be.

Weaknesses: The downfall of a lot of Mikeys is how distractable a lot of them can be. (I won't say this is a universal fact because I'm a big fan of there being variation among different realities, but a lot of Mikeys definitely being ADHD doesn't help. How well said version is able to compensate probably also varies.) So depending on the circumstances and the environment, Raph might be able to play that distractibility against him. (Buuuut that would require Raph to play mind-games, and most Raphs aren't the 'mind-game' type.) Plus, for better or worse, it takes a LOT to get most versions of Mikey to the point where he's ready to say 'Fuck everything' and throw everything he can into ending a fight right that second.

Speed: Mikey is, in my honest opinion (and based off most of the series and movies I've seen), the fastest of the brothers-- bar none. Which means if he tore off at full speed with the intention of skipping a fight entirely and just making Raph chase him, Raph probably would never catch him. Until after he wears down anyway. But if he zipped off and found a good enough hiding spot, then he could probably avoid Raph for a while. In a fight, because of his speed, there's a good chance that Mikey might be able to get in more hits than Raph, but that comes with the risk of getting in close to Raph-- and that can easily work against him in very short order.

Adaptability: Mikey's adaptability is through the roof. Most versions of Mikey, you can throw damn near anything their way and they'll roll with it in such a way that they land on their feet while their brothers are still scrambling for stable footing. There's also the fact that he's a very lateral thinker and able to apply concepts from seemingly unrelated sources to scenarios many others wouldn't even think to combine-- and he does so to his advantage. So yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh, given enough room and space to work with (and not panicking), then there's a good chance Mikey's going to catch Raph off guard with something he'd never expect.

Combat Style/Approach: Close range, flighty, dart in-range to hit and then dart back out of range, mind-games and making his opponents angry to the point of getting sloppy seems to be his preferred tactic. He could be the most terrifying to go up against in a fight if he went absolutely stone serious, but 99.9999% of the time he does not want to and would much rather slip in some fun where he can. (If you don't believe me on that last point, consider that in the 2003 series I'm reasonably sure he has the highest body count of all the brothers, in the 2012 series he killed a kraang and wore the dude's skin on his head multiple times, and in Rise ALL of Dr. Delicate Touch and the frothing maniacal rage he has when angry. 'Nuff said.)

Raph

And here we come to the turtle in question himself, Raph. Hamato Raphael, Raphael Splinterson, Raphie-boy, take your pick.

Strengths: Raph is a TANK. Barring '87, this boy in most iterations pretty much makes it his mission in life to be the strongest of him and his brothers. He's also stubborn as hell and WILL NOT give in if he thinks it's important to stand his ground. Which means he can and will hold his ground and dig in long past when his brothers each have to retreat or fold; he can take the hits they can't and come out the other side still kicking. And what's more, if he feels the need to and is able to get up and be mobile, then he WILL hunt you down for as long as it takes and damned near nothing will stop him-- he is that. damned. STUBBORN. Let's be real, that combination is terrifying. Of course, naturally, this brings up questions of just how physically strong he is. I pointed out up in Donnie's section that Donnie is ridiculously strong, but just how strong is Raph? To answer that question, the infamous scene from 2007:

Just how much psi does it take to snap a katana? WELL, it turns out that finding out that information is really difficult (at least when I was nosing around and trying to find out). When I was doing my initial searching I found a video on facebook examining an anime scene (at the time-- back in September-- it was literally the only thing that remotely came close to answering my question that popped up) that claimed it would take at least 20,000 psi. Being that the person who posted that video didn't include any sources for reference, I'd take it with a grain of salt (especially since despite my best efforts I'm having a hard time finding that video again), but still. If-- for the sake of argument-- we assume that the 20,000 psi measurement is accurate for what it would take to snap a katana, that would mean that our boy Raph is capable of exerting that much force with each hand. And not just a brief spike of getting there either. No, for him to be capable of the force in that 2007 scene (again, assuming the number is accurate) then he has to maintain that force for longer than a second or two.

I don't know about you, but that makes this scene just that much more dangerous and intense in my eyes. It's not just that Raph could have killed Leo by stabbing him; it's also the implication that he could have easily torn Leo apart with his bare hands if he wanted to. So yeeeeeaaaahhhh, if Raph is able to get his hands on any of his brothers and is able to hold on, they're probably toast.

Weaknesses: Whoo boy. In most iterations, point blank, his biggest weakness is his temper. If he gets set off too thoroughly or if someone knows how to play it against him, his temper can make him get sloppy and lead to his defeat-- regardless of how ridiculously strong he is. It also means that, unless it's a version of him who has worked his ass off to keep himself in check, there's a good possibility that he might wind up doing things he'll regret when he's angry (and if someone really wants to twist the knife they can play that guilt and self-blame against him). If you go by 2003 and 2012 there's also his bug-phobia which can be played against him. (Even though 2003 Raph covers it with 'KILL IT WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE'.) If you go by Rise, then you DO NOT. EVER. WANT THAT BOY TO BE ALONE. And on a much more brutal note, going back to his stubbornness which is also one of his strengths

...there's a good chance that this boy might try to push himself past the breaking point if he feels it's necessary.

Speed: I've said before that I think Raph is pretty neck-in-neck with Leo when it comes to how fast he is, Mikey has them both beat in the speed department hands down, and Donnie is most likely to be the slowest moving of the four of them. If Leo has to deal with heavy weights while trying to move at speed however, Raph will have him outclassed due to having more practice in that department. For Raph to have a hope of keeping up with Mikey going full tilt in running away, Mikey would have to be carrying enough to weigh him down considerably. And while Donnie might stand a chance in trying to grapple with Raph, Raph having more experience in moving heavy weights at speed would probably mean Donnie would be better off trying to glom onto Raph like an octopus rather than outright grappling. So Raph's not the fastest, but he's not a slouch either.

Adaptability: As much as I love my boy, Raph is a tank, he's bruiser, he's a bulldozer who freely makes use of sharp and pointy things he can use to stab people with. Adaptability-- barring variation between sneaking in and out versus barreling in as loudly as possible to cause mayhem and destruction as a distraction-- is generally not in his wheelhouse. Given time and learning how to play mind games (and I don't doubt that an adult Raph could pick up and use the skill when he needs to) he'd probably become more flexible, but with where he's portrayed to be at in most iterations he hasn't gotten there yet.

Combat style/approach: Close-range, grappler, brawler, TANK. He WILL hold the line, he WILL dig in and hold his ground, he WILL be the wall and PROTECT with everything he has if he has to. He's also not above being outright brutally destructive when he feels it's warranted. And that "when he feels it's warranted" is key.

Details that affect the outcome:

Raph has a protective streak 500 miles wide. A lot of iterations try to be the wall for his family, the last line of defense when needed. He would sooner see himself hurt than anyone he cares about.

And it's not just his brothers, father, April, Casey, anyone-he-considers-family that he's protective of either.

Seriously, if someone pushes the protective button on this boy and his sense of right and wrong kicks in, he WILL get involved.

Raph cares and feels deeply; to him, family is everything.

You

have

NO IDEA

how much

this boy

LOVES

HIS FAMILY

or how much he'd tear himself up if he ever seriously hurt any of them. So the chances of him ever actually going all-out against any of his brothers is slim. (And the few instances in various iterations where he's come close it's seriously screwed him up emotionally every time. Like 2003 and the pipe incident, 2007 and the after effects of his fight with Leo, the implied guilt Rise had after he snapped back to his senses after reuniting with his brothers after he'd been alone, etc.) He might fight with his brothers, he might disagree with them from time to time, but overall he comes off as someone who firmly believes you don't ever deliberately hurt someone you should care about if you can help it. Which is backed up by instances of him panicking in various iterations where his decisions might result in his family's deaths, as well as the fact that he only really turns on any of them (think SAINW) if they cross the line of not being there for each other like he feels they should be. Some iterations might threaten to run off a lot, but he never will without a damned good reason because he loves his family too much to ever want to do that to them.

Final Assessments

Raph vs Leo: If it's in close and is just down to strength-- Raph wins. If Leo has the time he needs to scheme and play Raph the way he needs to-- Leo wins.

Raph vs Donnie: If it's in close-- Raph wins unless Donnie pulls off an imitation of an octopus and gets all of Raph's limbs pinned and holds on for dear life. If Donnie has the distance, time to scheme, and the means to set traps to his heart's content-- plus tranqs, no one wins against tranqs-- Donnie wins.

Raph vs Mikey: If Raph can get his hands on Mikey and keep him in one place-- Raph wins. If Mikey plays Raph like a fiddle with his mind games and stays out of reach-- Mikey wins.

Raph vs the three of them together: Well shit, that'd be a losing proposition under the best circumstances unless the goal was to try to out-stubborn them at something. 10/10 if he had to, Raph would keep dragging himself along even if all three of his brothers were hanging on to him to try to keep him from reaching his goal. (And if Raph hasn't exploited that fact during some wild-as-shit game of theirs, then Casey Jones is the queen of England.)

Raph vs his guilt if he actually seriously hurt them: Instantaneous loss that Raph would probably have a hard time ever forgiving himself for.

So do I think Raph is as good a fighter as his brothers? Yes.

Do I think he's holding back so he doesn't hurt them? Also yes.

Do I think anyone he went up against if he didn't hold back would be thoroughly screwed? Emphatically YES.

-----------------------------

*The site I got the turtle size table in Donnie's section is [here], if anyone wants further details on sea turtles.

[insertsomthinawesome]

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.

But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business. I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art. Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.

I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.

I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.

I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.

I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.

I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)

I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.

And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)

From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)

Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in. Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.

Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜

[marsbarsfrommars]

alone with you (the only heaven I'll be sent to)

star wars: the high republic | rated t | complete | 2,344 words | avar kriss/elzar mann | fluff, a little hurt/comfort

summary

She nods and simply says the only thing she has to, “I understand.” 

“I knew you would,” he responds with a certainty that makes Avar's heart seize. 

or, in a quiet moment post-chapter 53, avar finds out about elzar almost dying on grizal

read

under the cut or on ao3 for better formatting

notes

first of all, this is dedicated to the person who headcannoned that elzar has burn scars on his hands from crashing his vector on grizal. I've tried, but I can't find their post, so if anyone knows whose post I'm talking about, please comment so I can tag them here.

edit: it's the lovely @ledalausnows and you should definitely check out her posts bc she's super cool!!

also, a huge shout out to the thr fans on tumblr: if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have finished this. thank you for all your support and I hope you enjoy this <3

this is the first time in at least six years that I've actually finished one of my wips, so while I'm a little proud of this, the quality might be questionable. my perfectionism made me proof read this so many times I could probably recite it from memory so I hope this is readable and I fixed all major mistakes. anyways, I hope you enjoy this

also, english isn't my first language, so please just ignore any grammar/spelling mistakes

content warning for mentions of scars, injuries, near-death experiences and past major character death. none of this is in any way graphic but I wanted to mention it anyways

The overhead lights in Avar’s quarters are turned down to a dim glow, and it's quiet apart from the gentle hum of the ship's engines. The night cycle must have started a while ago, but neither of them had noticed; both of them were too wrapped up in each other. Now, though, they're resting. Elzar on his back in her bunk, one arm gently wrapped around her with his hand lazily caressing her waist, and Avar on her stomach, half resting on his chest, the fabric of his shirt soft under her wandering hands. 

It's nice like this—peaceful. For a moment, Avar allows herself to forget about their upcoming task, about the possible danger the future holds, and just exist in this moment with Elzar. She feels more at peace than she has in months, possibly years. She slowly runs her hand down Elzar’s arm and intertwines her fingers with his, her thumb softly brushing over the back of his hand. The motion is familiar; they've held hands more times than she can count in those weeks since she escaped the Occlusion Zone, but there's something that makes her pause. It only takes her a moment to realise that tonight is the first time since that fateful night in the garden on Starlight Beacon that they've held hands without the barrier of Elzar’s gloves between them. Elzar wearing gloves is in itself nothing out of the ordinary for a Jedi; most of them routinely wear them as part of their robes, which explains why she hasn't noticed it before. Now that she really thinks about it though, it does strike her as odd that she can't remember seeing him without gloves even once since their reunion. 

She slowly brushes her thumb over the back of Elzar’s hand again. The skin feels rougher in some spots. Avar knows the feeling of scars, enough of them are covering her own body, but she can't recall Elzar ever suffering an injury to his hands that would cause scarring this significant. She raises their intertwined hands to his chest, and sure enough, a thin web of healed fine-line and burn scars covers the back of his hand and wrist. An uneasy feeling settles in her stomach. What happened to Elzar to leave his hands scarred like this, and why wouldn't he tell me? 

Elzar, sensing the subtle change in her demeanour, chooses precisely this moment to open his eyes and look up at her. And for a moment, as silly as it may sound, she feels overwhelmed by the sheer force of her feelings for him. She had missed him for years, and sometimes, even though it's been months since their reunion, she still can't believe she doesn't have to anymore. Avar is certain he already knows what she wants to ask about, but he doesn't say anything, waiting for her to take the first step, so she does. 

“These aren't recent.” It's a remark, not a question. She knows Elzar will tell her everything without her having to ask. There are no secrets between them; nothing is left unspoken. Not anymore. The thought makes a familiar warmth bloom in her chest. 

“No.” Elzar’s voice is soft, reserved for the quiet of quarters and whispered secrets after dark. “I got them on Grizal when my Vector crashed. The healers at the Temple did their best and apparently Bacta also helped a lot, but they couldn't prevent the scars.”

Avar furrows her brow. “I didn't know you were injured on Grizal.” She feels Elzar's body tense ever so slightly underneath her, anyone else wouldn't have noticed, but him and her—and Stellan, of course—have always shared an unusually deep connection, and now they're as attuned to each other as they haven't been in years, perhaps ever. 

“It was at the end of the battle. We thought we were winning, but we didn't know there were Nameless on Grizal. I don't remember this part at all, and most of what came after is pretty blurry in my head, but Stellan later told me that he saw my Vector go straight down. I don't understand why, but I must have passed out when the Nameless appeared. My Vector caught fire when it crashed, and the cockpit bubble shattered. I wasn't wearing gloves that day, that's why the damage to my skin there was so severe. Ty pulled me out, saved my life. I don't remember anything after, but I know Stellan was with me.” 

Avar takes a moment to process all of this. When she finally speaks, her tone isn't accusatory, there may be a tinge of hurt to it though. “Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Stellan?” she asks. Before Elzar can answer, a terrible thought takes shape in her mind. “It's not that you thought I wouldn't care, is it?” 

No matter what happened, she had never and would never stop caring about Elzar and Stellan. She knows without a doubt that it's the same for them, but she and Elzar hadn't spoken for a year at that point, and her relationship with Stellan had already been strained, so what if they had started to doubt her? Avar lowers her head. She's not sure she can look him in the eyes when he answers, the possibility of what she'll see there—of what he'll see in her—too overwhelming. 

Elzar draws his hand away from her waist to gently cup her face and tilt her head up until her eyes meet his again. His gaze is earnest and there's an urgency in it—he needs her to believe what he says next. She already knows she will before he can utter a single word because she trusts him implicitly, and she knows that trust is mutual. 

“No, I never thought that, I promise.” He pauses for a second and takes a deep breath, “And I know that Stellan didn't either.” 

Avar lets out a shuddering breath and tries to quell her bubbling emotions, which threaten to spill over at his words. Even so, her voice sounds a little shaky when she asks, “Are you sure?” 

Elzar nods sincerely. “I am. Stellan wanted to comm you, but I told him not to. We argued about it, and he relented in the end.” 

The sheer relief she feels at his reassurance is dampened by one burning question, but she doesn't have to ask for him to tell her. 

“I wanted you to know, I really did, but you were halfway across the galaxy fighting the Drengir and I didn't want you to be distracted.” He briefly averts his eyes, as if he's unsure about his next sentence, before he says, “I thought if you found out, you'd want to come see me, but we both know you couldn't have, and I didn't want to make it harder on you.” 

Part of her wants to argue, wants to protest that she would have come if only she had known. But Elzar is right; she couldn't have. Still, she wishes someone had told her. But of course he wouldn't want that, she should have known. Elzar tends to view himself as selfish, but she has always known him to put the wellbeing of others, particularly hers and Stellans, above his own. 

“And later?” she prompts gently. It's certainly not a conversation either of them had expected to have tonight, and she never wants to push him, but they've spent so much time keeping things to themselves in fear of crossing a line that hardly existed in the first place, and what good did it do them? 

“As bizarre as it sounds, almost dying wasn't the worst experience I had that week.” Now it's his voice that sounds shaky. The experience has clearly affected him more than he's currently letting on, understandably so, and Avar sends a burst of warmth through the Force. 

“When I was fully healed, everything was still so chaotic after Valo and Grizal, and there was so much going on that it just didn't seem that important.” Avar hates that he thinks that way but doesn't interrupt him; there will be time for reassurance later. “I got used to the scars fairly quickly, and even though they should be a constant reminder, I hardly think about it now. And I don't wish to. I've made my peace with everything that happened and everything I did then, I truly did, but I still don't like to remember it.” 

Avar understands, of course she does. Enough bad things have happened to her in these last few years that she's made peace with, as is the Jedi way, but still doesn't like to think of. They're the same in that way. She nods and simply says the only thing she has to, “I understand.” 

“I knew you would,” he responds with a certainty that makes Avar's heart seize. 

There's a pause in their conversation then, both of them processing and coming to terms with what was and what hasn't yet been said. Avar is the one to break it when she says, “Please never do that again.” 

Elzar quirks an eyebrow, the tension caused by their conversation slowly melting away. It seems he has decided that the heavy part of their conversation is over, which Avar truly doesn't mind. “Which part? Almost dying or not telling you about it?” 

“Oh, do shut up,” Avar says, but there's no heat to it, just affectionate warmth. 

Elzar laughs softly and pulls her down for a gentle kiss. Far too soon, Avar pulls away again and cups his face with her free hand, her thumb gently stroking his cheek. This time it's her who needs him to believe her next words. Her voice is soft yet insistent when she says, “I care about you, El. I don't want you to get hurt. And if you do, I want to be by your side if it's in any way possible. And even if I can't be, I want to at least know, please.” 

Elzar nods, every trace of playfulness gone from his face and replaced by sincerity. “I know, and I promise you, the next time anything of the sort happens to me, I will tell you.” 

Avar nods as well. “Good.” 

A slow smile spreads across his face at that and the tenderness in his eyes is almost overwhelming. Avar thinks if she had a mirror, she'd surely see it reflected in her own eyes. 

Elzar turns his head and presses a gentle kiss to the inside of her wrist, and she feels the familiar warmth spread in her chest once again, chasing away the last remnants of distress. 

She leans down to press her lips to his once again, their connection in the Force glowing with love and understanding, making her feel almost giddy. 

The kiss turns heated when Avar slides the hand still cupping Elzar’s check back into his hair, her fingers tangling in the soft strands, pressing her lips to his with more urgency. Elzar responds in kind by wrapping his arm around her waist once again and pulling her as close as their current position allows. She feels butterflies in her stomach at that, like when she was seventeen and kissed him for the first time. It amazes her that time and distance haven't dulled the effect he's always had on her in the slightest, but then again, how could they? He's Elzar, after all, her Elzar. 

They don't belong to each other, of course not; there's no possessiveness to their love. But they belong with each other; side by side always. They both know it and the Force rings true with it. 

They break apart, eyes closed and foreheads still pressed together. The kiss has left both of them breathless, as kisses like this often do. Once they've recovered enough to open their eyes and ever so slightly pull away from each other, and Avar really gets to look at him again, she is hit with the realisation of just how beautiful Elzar is like this. She doesn't think there has ever been a moment where she hasn't thought of him as beautiful, but seeing him like this is something else entirely. The dim glow of the overhead lights is reflected in his dark eyes, his hair disheveled from where she ran her hands through it earlier, a soft smile gracing his lips. A sight that's reserved just for her. 

Avar's musings are interrupted when Elzar starts to speak again, his voice still sounding a little breathless. “Avar, I…,” he begins but then trails off, unable to finish his sentence. It doesn't bother Avar. She knows. 

She pulls their still-intertwined hands up to press a gentle kiss to his knuckles, then the back of his hand, then his wrist. She feels his sharp intake of breath more than hears it, and when she meets his eyes, he's gazing at her with a look in his dark eyes Avar can't quite place. Later, she will come to recognise it as pure, unfiltered devotion. 

“Stars, Avar,” he murmurs. 

Elzar seems to know exactly what she's thinking—or maybe he just shares the sentiment—because he kisses her again, his hand slipping under her shirt to gently caress the bare skin of her waist. It's an exquisite kiss, and for the moment Avar allows herself to get lost in it, in this, until the only thoughts in her head are how lovely it is to feel so at peace, and Elzar. Always, always Elzar. 

“What is it?” she asks. For a split-second, she's scared she's overstepped, but Elzar just shakes his head and leans up to brush his lips against hers in a tender kiss that ends far too quickly for her liking. If it were up to her, he'd never stop kissing her, she thinks, only slightly bothered by the fact that she sounds like a character in one of those stereotypical Jedi romance novels Kantam and her used to read to each other for fun in their Padawan days. 

[soul-dwelling]

Thoughts on the clowns going from an interesting representation of one's dark side and the temptation to induldge self destructive madness, into just generic faceless mooks with no personality or point besides bloating the already overstuff moon arc?

It’s wrong for me to generalize, but it seems like most final arcs in serialized stories suffer when they introduce new characters or details that inevitably will not get enough time to develop. This should work: it’s the last arc, break all the rules, so long as the result ends up being a spectacle or too cool not to do or so shocking but concise in reiterating the message that has been reinforced over and over in this story…and the clowns just don’t do any of that--the spectacle isn’t engaging enough, I thoroughly enjoy clowns in pop culture but even these clowns in Soul Eater aren’t that engaging visually or personality-wise, and nothing about the clowns does much to reinforce any message, or at least reinforcing the message of “fear is always with you” in any fashion that another part of the manga didn’t reinforce better. 

And I don’t mean that Soul Eater should be criticized only because the clowns don’t get to develop to their full potential: I can’t think of any series where even main characters reach their full potential in their entire story because that’s not how storytelling works, that’s perfectionism and hence a fool’s errand. No, I mean that the characters and details are just there without any sense of progression, elaboration, or sometimes any use to the story aside from cannon fodder. 

And that is what the clowns feel like: cannon fodder, antagonists that can be done away with easily not only because their personalities are so limited that we feel almost no sadness or any other emotion when they are gone and not only because their power sets are so dull that they can easily overpowered by the protagonists and we won’t miss losing that power set because they weren’t cool enough at all but also because they are dehumanized so killing them off is not regrettable. Oh, Stein wasted a ton of clowns? Who cares--they weren’t human, and they were barely humanized at all, including, again, in terms of having almost zero personality. 

And yet, all of this could be salvaged if the clowns had something to them that was reflective of the larger themes of the story. As you point out, the clowns in parts of Soul Eater were indicative of a character’s dark side. We got to see how jealous Maka can be, how fearful she is of losing her father and her friends and teammates, and how powerless she feels without Soul. All of that is much needed character progression. Yes, I can be frustrated that it still feels a bit forced similar to throwing these details in during the Book of Eibon arc, but it makes sense that Maka would be this emotionally raw after Crona was kidnapped. It is also visually striking: look up just about any Maka clown art by Z-Raid and other illustrators. 

But even then, aside from Maka, what did the clowns actually show us about any character’s dark side? 

We get that with Justin--but even then, the clowns themselves don’t have much in the way of personality to get a sense of how they corrupt Justin. Granted, just about all of Justin’s story only works because of how little is given to us to show how he got corrupted. We know the “why,” we get belated clarification when Justin fights Tezca. But the clowns never have much in the way of personality to give us a sense how this unfolded. It’s good storytelling potential, likely something someone else did in their own fan works. But I wish Ohkubo had committed to some choice. We already have Ragnarok right there at times acting like a bad conscience on Crona’s shoulder--is that how a clown should act towards Justin? Should it be like the Symbiote telling Eddie what he wants to hear, more like what we got in Weisman and Cook’s Spectacular Spidey animated series? 

Edit: I forgot to mention--elliotthezubat once again handles this stuff better: Justin's dilemma works better if you have it more like a clone of himself talking to him, a conversation between two Justins to emphasize different dimensions to his personality and the potential split happening, or the potential for one side overwhelming the other.

When the clowns did pop up to fight for Medusa against Black Star and Tsubaki, and against Team B with the Thompsons, was there really anything gained? Any character progression for Black Star was actually more from fighting Crona, not from fighting a clown, to demonstrate where Black Star and Crona could have gone had each one had different intervention by a parental figure, Black Star at least having Sid and the DWMA, Crona being stuck with an abuser like Medusa. But did the clown unlock any such insight into Kilik, Ox, Kim, and their partners, or Liz and Patty? The clown was just a scientific experiment without any personality of their own. (See also how Ragnarok gets reduced to almost a non-entity as the series persists, and his commentary on what Crona is going through is sorely missed, whether to add insight or just some Falstaff-ian comedic relief with how dire things are getting.) 

The final arc had two major opportunities to justify the importance of the clowns: the characters as their own entities, and the characters as reflective of the path Stein could take. And then the arc fails to live up to either potential. 

Let’s start with the latter first: like the clowns, Stein is falling more and more into madness--and then on the Moon he just doesn’t, instead weaponizing the madness to lay waste to Asura’s forces, re-establishing that even under madness he is still the same person and his commitment to Death and the DWMA does not falter. I’m not asking that the story continue to milk the angst of Stein after Buttataki’s murder, or take the path of the first anime and show Stein falling under Medusa’s sway. But with this being the last arc, this is the last chance to re-establish Stein is a good person. We need that Iron Giant moment hitting us over the head: we didn’t need the Giant to say, “I am not a gun,” but it summarized the point in an obvious fashion. Where is that moment for Stein? Is there a quotation or a panel from the final arc that I’m neglecting that adequately summarizes how Stein’s fight against the clowns is a rejection of the path Stein could have taken and in his last battle in this series recommits to his characterization, how he has progressed throughout almost 100 chapters, where he goes next, and some larger message the manga is trying to say or at least tie into the ongoing themes about courage, fear, and collaborative work? I don’t get that from Stein’s fight against the clowns, but maybe someone else and can share that quotation or panel. 

As for the clowns as their own entities: what do they serve, in terms of their own character progression, or as larger allegorical or symbolic value, or as antitheses or foils to our protagonists? They just seem to be a grab-bag of mythological and literary references: rabbit on the moon, the story of Kaguya. What is Kaguya supposed to tell us in Soul Eater as a foil to Kid? Or, how is she a continuation of ideas Ohkubo is toying with when writing Blair and then later Tamaki in Fire Force? None of these questions really interest me because the potential answers are dull: there is barely anything between Kaguya and Kid to indicate a battle of differing philosophical viewpoints, Kaguya’s shtick is somehow more dull than Blair’s and lacks the other dimensions Blair has (whether in the manga or because fan writers are better at handling her), and the path from Kaguya to Tamaki is just a reminder how gross Ohkubo is when it comes to his attacks against feminism and readers who just get tired of his endless horny misogynistic bullshit. If you just want naked Kaguya, then just go naked Kaguya--that’s more honest and a clearer understanding why this character is here than dressing it up (so to speak) with pseudo-intellectual posturing to try to make her presence and maybe even this arc and this entire manga into something it’s not. 

Or, they’re just leftovers from B Ichi, seeing as they are called “Dokeshi” in the original Japanese version of the Soul Eater manga. Super--this is somehow the less annoying version of Ohkubo’s same trick, that being waiting until the final arc to gesture back to the author’s previous work. I should appreciate that the final arc of Soul Eater referencing B Ichi is a harmless Easter egg, compared to the final arc of Fire Force ruining the continuity and thematic cohesion of Soul Eater. 

And that’s not even getting into how the clowns just re-populating because of Asura’s almost infinite power of madness. 

At least “madness and fear are always with humans” is a clear, understandable message. But clowns? I get that clowns are scary to a lot of people, and their exaggerated details and potentially inhuman grotesque shape is decent shorthand. But this also feels like a failure of using the images to address the message: not everyone is going to find clowns scary, even taking something from childhood enjoyment and making it fearsome isn’t much of a deep message: “I made the things from your childhood edgy” strikes me as lazy. It’s as bad as Ohkubo assuming breasts can only be maternal and must be only a yearning for maternal love as in the final chapter of Soul Eater, or Ohkubo’s regressive cisheteronormative approach to sex as existing only for baby-making and that the idealization of sex appeal is embodied only by an underage teenage girl (again: Ohkubo is fucking gross, fuck this guy) in Fire Force. 

This is Ohkubo latching onto a small set of visual details or story tropes he likes and not letting them go. And it again disrupts what we already had: we go from Shotaro in B Ichi being a good guy who is clownish and literally turns into a clown as a final power-up form, to clowns just being absolutely evil in Soul Eater. Again, what is it with Ohkubo taking something from a previous manga, introducing it into another manga--and then taking a completely different approach in that new manga that contradicts what he did before? I can appreciate an author changing their mind over time, but it also comes across as a failure to let the previous work stand on its own and a refusal to let the message of that earlier story persist without needless contradiction by a later work. It comes across less as the author maturing and changing their mind with time and more like a creator who just wants to keep contradicting themselves for the sake of spurring on an argument (and more attention for the sake of more book sales).