#people keep telling me they dont want to spend an hour per week on it bc they already work full time

[anotherpapercut]

I'm trying so fucking hard to organize my work place and I just cannot get people to show up to meetings or have conversations with other people. we have like 62 confirmed yesses and we need to have like 120-130 minimum by the end of February to be able to go forward

[raincamp]

08 05 2023

shall i talk about the dreaded intake appointment from thursday? the one i spent weeks avoiding? the one that's been the catalyst for my intense feelings of grief and rage for the past month?

uneventful, absolutely nothing happened, there was no fucking justifiable reason why i was so adamantly against it, why i made myself go through so much pain just to avoid doing it. my paranoia got the best of me again

the dude's fine and has made no effort to piss me off so far. he graciously took the third-chair in my treatment team, and refers to my primary therapist as if she's the one he's reporting to— because he is— and i really appreciate his recognition of the hierarchy here.

he said something like "i totally understand that you dont want to be here and you're just here to tick a box so you can get back to work with [primary therapist]," after i expressed my disinterest in his treatment plans. like. thank you for acknowledging the fact that i dont want to work with you, at all, and am here against my will.

he does IFS which I didn't know beforehand, i've actually always wanted to try IFS but prioritized DBT because i know that it works for me already. so im excited to try that? surprisingly? or at least just learn more about it. im a therapy nerd what can i say? i could talk about it for hours. i have talked about it for hours before, i have spent entire sessions talking meta about therapy.

idk why but i was kind of paranoid he would try to replace my PT but he hasnt made any effort to do so. i was able to talk about her, and mention superficially how my relationship with her has been a trigger for my cough dependence cough and like, it was kind of weird talking to a therapist about my sessions with another therapist? but he was totally chill with it, didn't say anything like "maybe you two aren't a good fit" (we are though) like the people at the hospital did. it was refreshing to say the least

hes very Christian though, went to my dad's rival Catholic highschool, has mentioned me doing 12 step, im a bit hesitant to trust for these reasons. he mentioned how he thinks addiction is a lack of spiritual completion or whatever, i think thats total absolute bullshit and i'm gonna tell him that the next session that i don't spend 76% of the time dissociating while he talks

hes a lot more personable than im used to, he started the intake by spending 8 minutes self-disclosing information about himself, which was such a weird experience to me. he told me he has a family and children and a wife, i have literally never had a therapist tell me about their home life before unless it was in context of my treatment.

another thing thats annoying me is lack of admistrative coordination. i was supposed to get emailed an ROI for my PT yesterday (still haven't) and a signed excuse note so that i can actually go to my session with my PT next week, and if I don't get those im fucked. like. i'm actually going to be so mad if his lack of organization prevents me from being able to see her. i am going to stab him.

he also has a lot less boundaries than im used to which i feel like might be a recipe for disaster considering the fact that im borderline. he mentioned in detail how he doesn't like the power imbalance between therapists and clients and how he thinks it should be more like we're on equal ground. he described this visually with his fingers interlacing. and like, i get it, but also, i need that seperation there. i need therapists to recognise that i cannot keep myself from becoming attached, and create that distance between us, and keep those little boundaries stable and reinforced so that i don't get triggered or somehow fuck up the relationship with my symptoms. yk?

like we can have a close therapeutic relationship without making it so that we're on equal ground or enmeshed with each other as per interlacing-finger-visual-description.

the lack of boundaries just worries me. like he just gave me his phone number and was like "text me if you need me" like do you realize that if there ever comes a time that my PT has abandoned me and i need help, you have now opened yourself up to me spam texting and/or splitting on you over the phone? i already abuse my phone coaching privileges and annoy the fuck out of my PT, if there weren't by-the-book boundaries in place with DBT our therapeutic relationship would have gone to shit by now. he also kept me 15 minutes over time even though he had another client after me? if i were that client I would've split on him and left. its giving unprofessionalism.

im definitely going to have to make him set clear boundaries with me, for saving my own dignity.

i dont hate him rn tho i think thats the most important thing

- andrew

[sirenascales]

-> Chuuya with a Black F!Reader who's a bit insecure because of her skin.

@furrypostsoul said: Hello admin, I hope you’re having a good day! So stoked to see a fellow bisexual bsd fan! I would politely like to request a chuuya Drabble with a black fem bisexual reader where she thought that chuuya wouldnt be interested in her romantically cause of y’know, her skin. If you could also add in scenarios where she was racially harassed in public (pls dont write this is ur not comfortable, I understand if you don’t! it’s something I want people to be aware about)

note: ahhh thank you so much for your request! i immediately had an idea as soon as I saw it and I believe I came up with a good one, especially after asking some of my pals for advice on how to tackle it! Hope you like it!

warnings: colorism, mentions of racial fetishization, microaggresion, and racism [not from Chuuya] insecure reader, angst to fluff i promise,

"I still don't understand why it takes so long to do your hair... aren't you just getting braids?" The confused look on Chuuya's face was honestly super cute and hilarious and you couldn't help but laugh behind your hand.

"That's just the way it is, man. That's why I said we can go out on Saturday. I can't on Friday since I'll be strapped to the chair."

"Man, whatever," Chuuya huffed and you rolled your eyes at him, crossing your arms over your chest.

"Don't whatever me. Just suck it up!"

You shook your head, the hustle and bustle of the shopping district around you fading as you looked to your companion. Red hair, blue eyes, fancy clothes and a dumb hat; Chuuya was honestly too handsome, too damn fine. The scowl on his face was cute and you resisted the urge to pinch his cheeks. You knew he would literally kill you for that, and you valued your life.

You and Chuuya were in that talking stage and finally decided to go out on your first official date on Saturday. Besides his... occupation, you found yourself very much liking the man. Not just for his looks, but his fiery personality made him interesting, the way he carried himself. He was great and you were so into him.

You hoped he felt the same way. He had to, he agreed to the date in the first place! And how could he not? You were a sight, rich brown skin and he sorta, kinda, absolutely loved the cute afro puffs you had on your head. You were beautiful, a bright spirit with a bit of an edge that Chuuya definitely liked.

After talking some more, Chuuya had to go off to do his own thing, and after sharing a very tight hug, you waved him farewell, promising to see him on Saturday for your first date.

You couldn't help the huge, happy grin on your face, giddy as you made your way over to a nearby bench, sitting next to an older woman. You paid her no mind, grabbing your phone to text your friend as you giggled to yourself.

"Was that your boyfriend?" the woman suddenly inquired and you blinked at her in surprise. Then, your face started to heat up and you laughed lightly.

"Well, not yet. We're just dating."

"Ah..." the woman trailed off and you didn't like the tone of her voice. Suddenly feeling awkward, you turned back to your phone.

"I don't mean to be rude," the woman started and you couldn't help the sense of dread you felt. Here we go again. "But you should be careful, dear. You're a beautiful woman but... Japanese men don't really like dark skin. Not unless they are with you for... ulterior motives."

Even if you were already expecting some foolishness, the woman's words still stunned you, striking you to your core as you gave her a look that exceeded shock. You were appalled, your chest tightening in anger and hurt. You took in a slow deep breath, your fists clenching tightly. Your body had gone numb, and you tried your best to keep it cool. You couldn't make a scene.

"Wow," you laughed softly, shaking your head as you stood up. You didn't pay that stupid bitch any mind, storming away, your anger just boiling.

Not only did that woman ruin your entire day, she honestly ruined your entire week. The anger had soon subsided and you were left with the insecurities you tried to push down, especially when it came to Chuuya. Your mind ran at one hundred miles per hour, overthinking as the cruel words lingered in your mind.

Was Chuuya another one? Like your last relationship, were you just a sexual conquest for someone just wanting to try having sex with a Black girl? That was what your ex-girlfriend did to you, so was this just the same? Did he even like you?

No. Chuuya wouldn't do that.

Even so, you canceled your date with him as you sat in the stylist's chair on Friday, eyes burning with tears. You didn't want to experience that again, so you figured you give it all up before you get hurt again. Or even worse.

After spending day getting your hair done, you gotten a quick bite to eat before heading home, feeling completely dejected. Your hair looked amazing, long box braids swaying as you trudged along. But Chuuya didn't answer your text at all, and that honestly made you feel even more like shit. Did he not care at all?

You sighed deeply, coming up on your apartment, stopping when you saw a very familiar red motorcycle parked along the sidewalk. Your heart skipped a beat when you spotted Chuuya leaning against his bike, and when he finally noticed you, your heart dropped when he yelled your name.

"Oi!" he hollered, stomping over to you angrily. "What the hell do you mean our date is canceled?!"

"I-" you were at a loss for words. "Why are you here?"

"I was waiting for you! I didn't know where you were getting your hair done so I just stood here."

"Th-the whole day?! Chuuya!"

"I mean, I went and got food and stuff but-"

"That's not the point!" you interrupted. "Why would you even bother?"

Chuuya scoffed. "Are you serious? You suddenly cancel our date and you expect me not to worry about you?" As he finished talking, Chuuya is shocked to find tears pooling in your eyes, your lips trembling as you hung your head. "H-hey, what the hell happened?"

"You don't just want to fuck me, right?"

Now Chuuya was at a loss for words, his jaw hanging open as he registered your ridiculous words. You spoke again, telling him about the things that woman said to you earlier that week, as well as the horrible experience you had with your ex-girlfriend.

"... I tried not to think too much about it but... I'm used to comments about my skin and race, I mean, hello! I'm Black, but... " you trailed off, lifting your hands up to wipe your tears away. Chuuya beat you to it, and you stared at him with teary eyes as he gently wiped your tears away.

"I'm not your ex-girlfriend." Chuuya was firm as he spoke. "And that old hag needs to mind her own fucking business. I fucking like you. Not because of some weird sexual thing, I actually fucking like you. The whole you. You're beautiful and smart, you keep me on my toes. And yes, your skin and hair are amazing, I love them, but those are only parts of you that I find amazing. I'm not giving you my love and attention because I want something from you, I'm giving it because you deserve it. And I want to be the one who gives it to you."

You didn't know what to say, what to do. You could hear your heart pounding in your ears, your mouth going dry. Still, after a moment you just end up punching Chuuya lightly on his chest, choking out a laugh while you cried.

"Shut up... all that sappy shit..."

Chuuya scoffed, lowkey offended. "Excuse me? I basically just confessed to you."

"Yeah..." you sniffed, looking and giving the man a watery smile. "You did. I..." Lips trembling again, you took a step forward and Chuuya wasted no time in pulling you in for a hug.

"And you better accept me or else I will kick your ass," Chuuya said, pressing his face against your hair. "You smell nice..."

"Hm."

"And you're perfect. Worth more than an experimental fuck and the words of some old bitch." There was a bite to Chuuya's words, and that made you feel so much better.

"I'm sorry for doubting you..." you whispered and Chuuya shook his head, pulling away from the hug.

"Don't be. I understand, I promise."

You smiled widely, face getting hot as he gently cupped your cheek. "Are you sure?"

Chuuya rolled his eyes. "Fine, you can make it up to me by un-cancelling our date. Let me show you off."

You giggled softly, hugging him again. "Okay. That's fair."

Send in your requests!

[thoi2020]

u have advanced??????? wow. tips to qualify mains please??? help me with my modules.how do i solve them?????????

hnnng idk bestie here's some short tips n like if u want something more specific u can send another ask or dm me?

pay attention in class. sit in the front. listen out for what things the teacher puts an emphasis on. ask questions. yes, even the stupid ones. especially the stupid ones bc those are fundamentals u cannot miss bc a shaky foundation leads to a shaky building. also pay attention to ur teachers. theyve been doing this since before u even knew about jee they know what theyre doing. most of them want whats best for u, and if not specifically that, whats best for them n their institute which are usually similar things. im not saying blindly trust them without criticism but have some faith. dont dismiss them they prolly know better than u. if id followed my teachers instructions i prolly wouldnt have had to drop (but thats a discussion for another day lol).

revise notes on a regular basis. like. the day u studied it in class. then the next day. then a week later. then 2 weeks later. then a month later. google the curve of forgetting for more accurate time stamps. use flashcards for formulae n stuff that u have to memorise like inorganic chem.

analyse past papers. recognise the most important topics. but also there are some small chapters that are quite easy and some people skip them thinking there wont be any questions from them. ive given 4 papers of mains, and i can confirm that is utter bullshit. 1 question each from units and measurements, mathematical reasoning, stats, chemistry in everyday life, polymers, are guaranteed. u can easily secure at least those marks by spending just a little bit of time on them. esp for jee mains its relatively better to cover a wide range of topics with medium depth instead of just some but with deep understanding (the latter works well for advanced tho).

make a friend or two whos in the same boat as u, preparing for jee n try to keep each other accountable. tell each other everyday what ure going to study that day n then check back the next day. remind each other hlep each other out. also be friendly with the class toppers sometimes they can solve ur doubts better than teachers just bc something they explain clicks better. whenever i get confused about logarithms i think back to what my 9th grade classmate told me when i asked him to explain in 1 sentence n had him repeat it slowly to me multiple times. its burned in my memory and helped me so much. 

practice tests. set the proper 3 hour limit and solve them. be honest w urself ure doing this for u. no point scoring 256/300 to impress ur teacher if u cheated bc on the day of the exam ure going to be screwed. in the beginning try out different strategies, different ones work for different ppl. like for me, math is my favourite and i find it easier than the other 2 so i do it first and it gives me confidence. then i move on to physics and then chem. some people look over the entire paper n solve the easiest from every section first, then the medium ones, then the tough ones. experiment in ur practice tests n figure out whats best for u n ur test taking. after the test, analyse. see what u got wrong, why u got it wrong. clarify doubts. mark problem questions to revise and solve again later. no point in solving more n more questions if theres no retention or learning.

for solving books specifically under the cut bc this is getting too long lol:

stick to 1 or 2 books max per subject. make them ur holy books and swear by them. if ure doing coaching then the modules provided by them are a very good option bc theyre specifically for jee and will cover what u need. coaching teachers will have a lot of experience with them too so u'll have an easy time with doubts clarification. if u choose other books tho, still consult with ur teacher and ask them to tell u what's relevant and what isnt and dont waste ur time on whats not. it might make u look or feel smarter to be solving questions on stuff thats beyond the scope of the exam but u literally dont need it and the syllabus is already very vast so ure just going to waste time and brainspace. like sure if ure interested study it in ur own time but dont make it an Important Must Do thing.

ok now that u have ur book with everything relevant to jee, make sure u devour them. study the theory alongside ur class notes. solve a few questions of corresponding topics the day they are covered so u dont have so many questions lined up at the end of the chapter. like if i studied friction in newton's laws of motion today, i'll solve the questions relevant to friction today itself. or u know this week. like,, keep it current. then while solving, speak out loud and explain the problem to urself like ure teaching someone else (or better yet, find someone to teach them to. stuffed toys, younger siblings, ur classmate, grandparents, online friend, whichever works). mark all the questions that took u longer than 5 mins or u cant solve at all. dog ear the pages. try them again the next day. then again a few days later. take the ones u still cant solve to ur teacher. try n ask for just a hint once and try again. and then if u cant then ask for the solution. DO NOT go on the internet. ur brain doesnt have to work for it then n u think u got it but u dont got it. make ur brain work for the solution so it'll remember. 

now that uve given a good shot to every question and figured out where u stumble. analyse a bit. find a pattern if theres any: like a certain concept that is weak or something ure not understanding. read the theory for it if u have to n ask questions to clarify. then solve these problem questions again and again until u know every question well enough to be able to explain to someone. skip over the easy ones u dont gotta do them again n again, focus on the ones u stumbled on. theyre the weak spots. no use strengthening whats already strong enough.

and uh keep a notebook of the solutions of the questions u solve so that u dont have to go crazy searching for them in an emergency. like ur paper is tomorrow and u cant figure out this question that uve been trying for 1 hour then its a good time to review ur previous solution and refresh ur memory. often if uve practiced enough n its just exam stress etc thats making ur mind go blank then just a hint will be enough to remind u.

also this is more general but just. be consistent. small consistent efforts over multiple days instead of a big one in 1 day. u’ll retain better and ur brain does better with multiple small chunks spread out over an interval than a lot of stuff in a small one. and its ok to to have an off day dont kill urself over academics ur health is more important always. not getting into ur dream college might fuck u up but itll heal but ur health is more precarious and not getting enough sleep or food will def fuck u up and the consequences are a lot harder to deal with. dont think about the big picture or u’ll freak urself out just think about the next small step u can take. getting 99 percentile feels impossible but solving 10 questions for it does not. dont get disheartened by test results if ure working hard n smart u wont fail. even if u dont get into ur dream college u’ll have an excellent work ethic that’ll take u places u never thought of in ur wildest dreams. more than anything, be kind to urself and work n play hard.

[imagines-mha]

class 1-B and night routines

Monoma: if monoma doesn’t annoy at least 2 people per night he simply will not sleep. Wears the comfiest pyjamas- like a 100% cotton top and plaid pj bottoms and everyones so fuckin jealous. He tells everyone he has a 16 step self-care routine he does every night but he really just brushes his teeth and then sits on his phone for like 2 hours? Ike what do you GET out of lying??? 

Tetsutetsu: he thinks going to bed after 11pm is criminal. Literally doesn’t understand the cryptidcrew™️ who DONT MF SLEEP. Works out before bed which is 👌🏻👌🏻 OOF. Aw hes the type of friend to make everyone tea and toast and send them asmr videos if they cant sleep i love him. He usually spends his night dancing around with pony and working off all his ENERGY

Kendo: “yall im turning into bed i’m too tired for this shit” “kendo it’s 7pm”

My girl will retire to her room as early as she can (usually with the rest of the girls) and she just RELAXES. Like self-care to the max: paints her nails, watches tv, plans her tomorrow, showers. She’s usually asleep at 10pm and wakes up the next morning full energy I want what she has

Awase: he has the WORST sleep schedule like fr. Literally sits up on tiktok until 3am and he’s just like “oh shit i’m up at 7…” *continues scrolling* like bro GET UR ASS TO BED U HAVE TRAINING AT 6AM. His night routine ain’t anything special- he sleeps in sweats and always keeps his window open (although someone told him about banshees once and now hes lowkey terrified lmao)

Kaibara- the type to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up at 4 in the morning to find tsuburaba in the kitchen eating a full course meal and he just SIGHS and goes up to bed in the worst mood bc why tf are his friends so WEIRD. Likes to watch the stars and edit pictures before he sleeps- its so therapeutic to him and also productive so he’s winning

Rin- he drinks coffee every night after midnight and then goes “oh my fuck shit i just drank coffee why am i like this” like congrats u fuckin dumbass now u ain’t gonna sleep. And he never fuckin learns. Always does his hw at like 11pm, Also stays up way too late binge-watching star wars smh 

Tsuburaba: he gets up every night and treats himself to a three-course meal in the kitchen no cap no sound awareness my man will be blending shit full blast at 2 in the morning. Usually falls asleep sitting at the kitchen table and he 👏🏻 needs 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 chiropractor 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. Also always forgets to do his homework until everyone’s packing up to go to bed and hes like “please,, anyone,, the math?”. Shoda wants to punch him so bad

Ibara: the most well-structured person in the entire building. At 7pm she has her shower, at 8:30pm she goes to pray, at 9:30pm she journals and draws to calm her mind, and at 10pm she meditates until she falls asleep- which is usually 10:20pm.. Everyone wants her self control and independance like damn how does she FUNCTION. Also queen of vegan self-care remedies 

Pony: girl is chaotic as fuck it’ll be like 10pm and rin’s like “yo pony can i copy the hw??” And shes like “WHAT HOMEWORK.” . *cue two idiots freaking tf out*. She’s always wearing matching pj sets and fluffy socks and loves sliding around in them like a dork. Dances every night before bed to tire herself out like shes just in the lounge deadass vibing to taylor swift and a new person joins her everytime . people would be dead without her

Kodai: movies every night or she won’t go to class the next morning. Shes always just sitting on her phone w earphones in like she has absoloutely no time to deal with monoma’s shit so she just peaces tf out of existence. Cutest pyjamas ever i love her pyjama queen. The go-to girl for homework she just leaves her bag open, as long as u return it shes cool

Tokage: oh my god shes so CRYPTIC and FOR WHAT. Pranks pranks pranks pranks pranks. everyone hates her for it and she loves it so bad. Like she has the balls to prank kamakiri and that TAKES BALLS LET ME JUST SAY . she’ll just leave her body parts in people’s beds and its SO annoying. They usually just pick up her stray arm and fling it at the wall in revenge then act confused the next morning when she complains abt the bruises 

Komori: cryptic as fuck. Does she sleep? Why is she always sitting at the table? What is she doing? . Closes her tabs whenever someone comes into the dining room and just stares at them til they leave again like :)). In the garden every night til she can’t bear the coldness- watches the stars and makes flower crowns and worships the moon i love her

Kuroiro: nighttime is the time he just evaporates like where tf is he like 🙄🙄 reel it in randy from monsters inc . Hiding in the walls and listening to everyones conversations and secrets is his only skill in life . Everyone thinks he doesn’t sleep and just wanders around (he does, he just likes to have an edgy reputation)

Kamakiri- did you hear that?? oh its just kamakiri fistfighting monoma in the hallway again. Fr takes no prisoners he needs his beauty sleep (or idk do bugs sleep lmao??). If you’re in his way while he’s RAMPAGING to his room youre dead bro when i say he takes bedtime routines seriously i MEAN it. He does self-care and tells NOONE but its lowkey cute idk lmao why do i have a crush on a bug lemme call my therapist real quick

Bondo- 9pm. Wind down time. A good book is all my mans needs and he’ll be out for the count in absolutely no time at all. Fukidashi will die jealous and bondo fucking loves it. Milks tf out of it too he’s like YAWN I AM SO TIRED OFF TO BED NOW TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY GOODNIGHT and everyone who WISHES they could sleep as early as that wants him to choke

Manga- king of never having hw done until 1am at the earliest 🤡. He lives on 1 hour sleep most nights and his speech bubble just says “no <3” until like 11am. Its cus of his crippling hyperactivity he’s running the halls at 3am practicing the entire mamma mia choreography ffs fukidashi U HAVE A CAREER AHEAD OF U 

Reiko: energy drink addiction 101 if she doesn’t drink monster every night before bed she’s convinced she’ll die. “I sleep all day and party all night” she says, crying over math hw at 2am. Plays music too loud and has LED strobelites on ALL NIGHT. Shes deadass doing witchcraft in the lounge w komori all night during finals week she doesnt give a single fuck x

Shishida: another reader,, mans will finish an entire book in a night by the force of sheer willpower alone. Takes a bath every night and it makes his fur so fluffy and smell like apples smdnwjdnwd. Perfect snuggle buddy for wintertimes (pony LOVES HIM) and he’s that good man who carries tsuburaba to bed when he falls asleep at the kitchen table

Shoda: “please don’t speak to me while im doing my homework im 👌🏻 this close to having a mental breakdown and all it takes is a single poke to reel me over the edge.” Complains all day about being tired then goes to bed at 2am?? Like no shit ofc ur tired bitch . Always up for a deep talk at night he knows EVERYTHING abt EVERYONE and hes so trustworthy hed never tell a soul

Honenuki: he meal preps and does yoga before bed 🤢 like WHO HAS THAT MOTIVATION. Irons and sets his uniform out for the next day before getting his homework FINISHED by 9pm . He’s pretty flexible w what he does at nights it 100% depends on his mood. Usually he’s helping Tokage with pranks or working out w tetsutetsu tho. Used to annoy people who were up doing hw after 11 like “really tsuburaba? You should be ashamed”. Shoda almost DECKED him once for it tho and he was #traumatised and never did it again

[wherearemyglassesbro]

Ok ok how about an incredibles AU with the FACES fam?~ :D

Bruh there is a very very very good fic out there somewhere that I read a loooong time ago with this exact scenario so if someone’s got the link to that bad boy PLEASE send it in cause it was so good!! Anywho-

Fran and Art were heroes in Europe but when the Big Bag Hero Lawsuit thing happened and they had to go into hiding, they were sent to the USA where they could be more...lowkey...in the suburbs. Gross.

Artie is ‘Mr. Incredible’ because he is the exact opposite of flexible. He’s solid and stubborn like a hunk of cement. Francis is the graceful one that stretches his arm all the way across their house to pinch his arse which is NOT funny >:( maybe just a little

They were great heroes! They didn’t really work together but they crossed paths occasionally and really got to know eachother when they got to attend public events for charity and such. Their rivalry runs deep because ‘haha stinky French people’ ‘haha your foods bland’ and then their bickering escalated and it was just fun to argue! They’d kiss and make up later away from the cameras

Once they were forced to retire, they got married in America and out of all of the states they could have been relocated to fuckin Arizona. Arthur couldn’t take the heat for more than a week and caused a disturbance on purpose so they’d have to be relocated again. The government didn’t like that but Art was NOT going to spend the rest of his life sunburnt. They finally settled in Michigan haha my state ayeeee and made their cheap, 80s house into a refurbished home. It took awhile but they did it

^^both of them were put in jobs they didn’t like. Arthur was forced into insurance work and Francis has prior restraunt experience back home so he was stuck in a greasy Italian place that was very far from being actually Italian. Both were miserable for a loooong time until they were able to finally pay off debts, get a nice car and renovate their kitchen. They weren’t feeling on edge all the time now so they settled into a routine and worked on communicating better as well as bringing a more positive attitude home with them

And a year later they decided they wanted kids. So naturally they contacted the government to see what they could do. Since they were supers they couldn’t be trusted with real human babies. There were plenty of super babies that needed families! So first, they took in Mattheiu. A Canadian baby that was taken away from his mum since she didn’t know anything about supers. Matt was a very easy baby, he didn’t cry much but his disappearing act gave Francis grey hairs from stress.

Then they got Michelle, a super fast little girl!! Arthur always wanted a girl :’) Michelle is always nice but her temper gets in the way sometimes “I don’t understand! I want to run! Why can’t I show off at school!” “Because you can’t, Chelly” “I want to! I want to prove I’m faster than all of the boys!” “We went over this, poppet, no powers outside of the house” “UGH!!!!!!!”

And finally they get baby Alfred. His powers are unknown since he’s so young but oooooh jeez he’s a cutie. Fran and Art have a bet to see what powers he gets “I bet he’ll have super strength like me, it’s probably the most common super gene out there” “Tsk, no I think he’s going to be a fire baby!” “A fire baby!?!” “It isn’t unheard of to have fire powers! That would be so cool, wouldn’t it?” “It’s al fun and games til he burns the damn house down...” “Language!!”

Fran and Art dont talk about their past much with the kids cause they don’t want to encourage them to break the law. Being a super is against the law all around the world. They don’t want their kids taken away or arrested or sued the way Arthur was for saving the man who didn’t want to be saved

Art hoards old news papers, costumes and everything he can from his ‘glory days’ and even makes a shrine of sorts in the basement where he goes to relax and relive old times

Francis’s old super gear is buried away in boxes somewhere in the basement...Little does he know that Arthur goes through his memorabilia too, reading old French articles and holding that faded red mask in his hands again and remembering the way his husbands blue eyes contrasted the red

The kids know about their parents past but very little about it. Their parents weren’t popular in America so there isn’t much here about them. They aren’t really inclined to dig into their dads stuff though so they kinda just let it be. They always look forward to the rare occasion that one of them gets nostalgic and tells a story or when they show them a veeeeery old, rare tape of them fighting on the streets. To the kids it’s kinda crazy to think of their old boring dads like that lmao

The kids are kinda salty since their powers prevent them from being ‘normal’. Michelle can’t be on any sports team cause despite her saying she won’t, she will outrun everyone. She’ll run 75 miles per hour and make a tornado on the feild or something equally horrific. Matthew disappears without a trace and his peers make fun of him for being strange. No one knows they’re supers. It’s a secret that’s very hard to keep

Arthurs insurance work finally makes enough that Francis can quit his waiter job to stay home with Alfred. As much as they want to out him in a normal baby daycare, Alfred hasn’t shown signs of powers yet which is unsettling...they can’t take risks...

Can Gilbert be frozone please...I like the idea of him being the goofy uncle type that swings by to be silly and fun for the kids while still being responsible yknooooowwwwww

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[cheaper-by-the-half-dozen]

on Im sitting here bored and waiting for time to pass.  I cant go to bed until like midnight because I forgot to take my morning pills and didnt take them until noon.  I have to take them 12 hours apart so it looks like a late night for me, at least I can sleep in tomorrow.  Because of my previous manic episode November/December they added Zyprexa.  I started seeing things...crumbs growing legs and walking across my table or moles on my body turning to bugs and burrowing into my skin.  Yikes that is fucking hard.  My doctor wants me to keep taking it, shes saying the reason I am seeing things is because I am extremely triggered from Delilahs death.  I mean shes not wrong.  Delilah my two month old niece died a month ago tomorrow. I miss her.  I miss my brother.  He is so broken.  I never got to hold Delilah I never got to meet her because of the pandemic.  Her death came 2 weeks after the death of my moms husband.  (Not my abuser).  My therapist thinks its normal that I am having such an intense reaction to all this.  I dont know yall, this sucks though. My legs are on fire.  I decided this year to use lent as my own little time to challenge the fuck outta myself.  So I am following the low carb/high fat plan on itrackbites and I am walking 5 miles every day during lent.  I am also completely off facebook for the next 40 days.  Theres other things like an unpacking challenge and declutter challenge.  I am on day 3 of 5 miles per day and my legs hurt so bad.  I know I should take a rest day but I told myself I would do it every day so I dont really wanna break it.  If my legs hurt too much tomorrow I will decide then.  Until that decision is made I am popping pain relievers (advil) and telling myself ‘no pain no gain’ or whatever that saying is.

Jeff and I started a new little date night thing.  Its more of a family night thing but its mostly just for him and I. We started the Marvel franchise in timeline order.  We have watched Captain America, Captain Marvel and today we watched Ironman.  Jeff has seen all of them, I havent.  Captain America and Captain Marvel were new.  I loved Captain Marvel.  I still think Captain America is overrated lol.  Idk why.

I downloaded the Peanut app and have met two friends!  One is an hour away and doesnt drive or anything so I am not really sure how much we will hang out.  The other one lives behinds the boys’ elementary school.  I am really excited to actually hang out and see if we click as well in real life as do in text.  She seems awesome.  I feel like once Covid is over we will know a couple people.  We will see. My sister and I made plans for our families to spend Easter together.  My niece (the one who was paralyzed in the accident) is at an incredibly high rate for death due to Covid due to her injuries.  Finn is high risk/immunocompromised.  We both spend all our time in social isolation (no one in or out, grocery deliveries)  We get together a couple times a year after we take covid tests.  We havent seen her since mid-january and I miss her and my nieces and nephews (and her husband) terribly.  So they are gonna come spend Easter weekend here and its Santanna’s birthday on Easter.  I am excited.  She has 5 living children and my 6, it turns out to be a fun time.  I will have a huge Easter Egg hunt and goodies bags for the kids to be given to them on Friday night.  So, I have that to look forward to.

My brother started dialysis last week.  My heart breaks for him.  He is in high spirits and my mom says hes really making progress as far as learning the machines.  I am so, so proud of her and the work she is doing for him.  She buried her husband and her granddaughter and was told her sons kidneys were in total failure and he needed dialysis in a fucking month dude.  She stands facing the storm unwavering.  My mom and I have our issues but I cannot help but look at her and think maybe, maybe I got my strength for her and the long line of Elliot women who came before her.

Not really sure what else to put here y’all.  I really would like to get back to using tumblr as a place to brain dump but its probably still really fucking toxic so.

[saint-of-los-angeles]

Your Scars Remind Me,  That the Past Is Real

Hey y’all, this was requested via @motherfucker-oftheyear (thank you so much for asking me to write something for you, you beautiful human)

TRIGGER WARNING. MENTIONS OF PAST ABUSE AND SCARS FROM THAT ABUSE, IF THAT UPSETS YOU THIS ISNT THE FIC FOR YOU

Pairing: Nikki Sixx/ Tommy Lee (Do y’all expect any different by now?)

Summery: Nikki always has a shirt on, when he sleeps, when he fucks, all the time. Tommy wants to know why.

Disclaimer: THIS IS FICTION AND DIDNT REALLY HAPPEN OK

Also gonna tag some people that may like this? If you dont want it I’m sorry. LMAO

@tommyysixx @malibubarbievince @fan-with-issues @the--blackdahlia @sixx-tommy-roger-john @stellalux-universe @devil-shouted @merryy-go-round

If you asked either one of the Terror twins, it had taken entirely too long for them to finally get their shit together, to finally get their heads out of their ass, and acknowledge the feelings that had always been right in front of them since they had met in that shitty diner one year ago.

Better late than never, but the lost time had always bothered them both, especially Tommy. He knew he was greedy, but only when it came to Nikki. He wasn't ashamed of that, he was greedy, selfish, and couldn't get enough of the raven haired boy, and wanted him all to himself- all day every day.

Their world had changed just over one month ago,  while Tommy had been sitting on the railing of their balcony smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer, when Nikki had snuck up beside him, swinging himself up onto the railing next to the drummer, commenting on how unusual it was that he wasn’t in with the rest of the party.

Maybe it was the way the moonlight and artificial streetlights had shone in Nikki’s eyes, making them an even brighter shade of green than normal. Maybe it was the way the wind had pushed some of the straight black strands into his face, one rouge strand sticking to his lip and driving Tommy wild. Or maybe it was the way the Nikki’s thigh was plastered up to the side of his own, his warmth seeping through Tommy's skin tight leather pants to heat up his entire body. Tommy didn't know for sure, all that he knew was that if he went one more second without kissing Nikki, he was going to combust, so in a moment of hazy weakness he was cupping his bassist’s face and kissing him as deep as his trembling body would allow him, trying to sink himself into Nikki, because dammit if he was gonna get knocked out for this he was gonna make it worth it.

But Nikki was kissing back, arms snaking up to wrap around Tommy’s neck like they belonged there, like they did this all the time, like this was the most natural thing in the fucking world.

Everything had been perfect since that night, Tommy couldn’t ask for anything better. Nikki had moved him into his room (he had INSISTED on having the private room when they moved in together), he got to fall asleep with Nikki curled up in his arms, and he got to wake up the exact same way. He got to fuck Nikki on Vince’s bed when he pissed him off, and he had someone to plan a future with, both as a couple and as a band mate.

But there was one thing that bothered Tommy, he couldn’t put his finger on it but he knew Nikki was hiding something. Ever since they started having sex, something was off. Nikki would refuse to take his shirt off, everytime Tommy would make a move to remove his lover's shirt, Nikki would flip himself over, begging for Tommy to eat him out, or lurch forward to suck on the drummer's neck. Sometime's he'd just writhe on the bed, begging Tommy to just fuck him already, saying he couldn't wait one more second, he knew Tommy could never deny him anything. It seemed that Nikki would do anything, really, to distract Tommy from what he was about to do.

The one time in over a month that he had fucked Nikki completely naked, Nikki had spent about an hour in the bathroom beforehand and made sure all the lights were off and the curtains shut, letting very little light illuminate the room.

Nikki didn’t even sleep naked, which shocked the dummer. It was hot as hell in their tiny apartment, their lack of AC was always a problem in the summer and it was just now starting to cool down a little.

Tommy was determined to find out what his boyfriend was hiding and to be honest, he was at a complete loss. He didn’t know if maybe Nikki was insecure about his body, but that made absolutely no sense to Tommy because Nikki’s body absolutely wrecked him in the best possible way, but Tommy knew that sometimes people didn’t see themselves for what they truly were.

Sex with Nikki was fucking exhilarating, and based on the sinful sounds that left Nikki everytime Tommy would make him come, (he always knew Nikki would be a screamer), Tommy knew he felt the same way, but he wanted there to be no secrets in their relationship.

Absolutely none.

Because no matter how big or small, a secret is something that could ruin a relationship given enough time, and Tommy will not let that happen to him and Nikki.

He had always been known as someone who was so irresponsible in love, someone who would find their 'soulmate' one day, and be left heartbroken and hating the other's guts the next.

But this was different. He thought he knew what love was, but that was before. He had yet to tell Nikki those exact words, per say, he didn't want to scare the bassist off, didn't want him to think this was another one of his poorly thought out flings, so he tried to keep his affection limited to his gestures until he thought Nikki was ready for those words. He’d rather die, than lose Nikki at this point, and it scared him how true that was.

But Tommy didn’t want to think about that, he never liked to dwell on the negative too long. Life was short, and he tried to spend it as happily as he could, and it was what had Tommy skipping out early on the shittiest job he had yet. He had found a part time gig at a grocery store and it was perfect honestly, easy to steal some necessities when necessary, and day time hours only- meaning it didn’t interfere with the band at all.

Nevertheless, Tommy fucking hated it and was more than happy to slip his coworker some cash and his time card to swipe at quitting time, and pray his boss didn’t notice. It was a big store after all. He missed Nikki, and Nikki was particularly grumbly when he had to drag his ass out of bed this morning, arms in a vice-like grip around Tommy’s stomach, begging him to stay home. When Nikki had started peppering kisses on his shoulder, he had almost gave in, but fuck, someone had to make sure they had enough beer to get the adequately drunk after their concert this weekend, and Tommy was nothing if not a team player.

But even if he gets caught, he had earned enough this week, and Nikki’s sad eyes when he had gotten out of bed were replaying over and over in his mind. So he was walking down the street towards his apartment, trying to keep from actually skipping as he made his way back towards his home and towards his boyfriend.

Tommy was cautious to keep quiet as he turned the doorknob to his apartment- they never did bother to lock the door. He didn’t want to disturb Nikki if he was still sleeping, the older man had a late night last night absolutely agonizing over lyrics, scribbling words out on paper only to crumple them up and toss them over his shoulder onto the floor of their living room, grumbling about how they just weren’t good enough until Tommy had tossed the notebook aside and planted himself in Nikki’s lap in it’s place, proceeding to make the bassist forget all about his creative block with his mouth attached to Nikki’s neck.

But upon entering the apartment Tommy heard the shower running and he smiled to himself.

Brilliant.

Vince had spent the last few nights at his latest girlfriend’s house, so he knew it had to be Nikki, and what better way to surprise Nikki than some shower sex? Nikki would fucking love it.

As he creeped into the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind him, he squinted through the steam to make out the shape of his boyfriend's body through the shower door, smiling to himself when he heard Nikki humming ‘Live Wire’ under his breath. He loved Crue’s music anyway, but he loved it even more because he remembered Nikki writing that song, shoving the lyrics in his face with the most satisfied, toothy grin on his face, and throwing himself on top of Tommy when he commented how much he loved it. That was the moment that Tommy decided that, yeah, he was in love with Nikki.

Opening the shower door with a smile on his face and a ‘surprise’ coming out of his lips, Nikki’s reaction was about the exact opposite of what Tommy had expected. Tommy barely had time to blink before Nikki was jumping in surprise, and shoving him out the still open door, his words harsh and reverberating to Tommy’s core when he growled “Get the fuck out of here, T-bone!”.

Tommy could do nothing but stand on the other side of the door, blinking at the wooden barrier between him and his boyfriend in shock.

What the fuck was that?

He had barely caught a glimpse of Nikki’s green eyes before he was shoved out the door with a strength that he had only caught glimpses of when Nikki had gotten into some fights with some loudmouths on the streets, but a strength that was never directed towards him.

Again, Tommy found himself wondering, What the fuck was that?

“Nik? Baby… what’s wro..”

“Go the fuck away, Tommy.”

Tommy could honestly cry hearing those words come out of Nikki’s mouth. Hearing the love his life, his best friend, tell him he didn’t want to be around him.

If it had been anyone else, Tommy would have left, stormed off to go stew at a friends house or at a bar, but this wasn’t just anyone. This was Nikki. No, he wasn’t going to leave, because despite Nikki’s harsh words Tommy knew that this was what Nikki did, this was how he handled emotions. Nikki feels threatened, overwhelmed, or any kind of overpowering emotion and he resorts to pushing people away, but he never wants them to go away, not really. Despite outer appearances Nikki fears being alone more than anything, and Tommy knew Nikki needed him right now.

Something was wrong, something had always been wrong, and at this point Tommy didn’t care if Nikki wanted to talk or not, he wasn’t going to leave.

So Tommy sat down on their dingy carpet and leaned himself up against the wall, hoping his presence would seep through the drywall and comfort the older man. Tommy could hear him sniffling and trying to pull himself together through the thin wooden door. It took everything inside of Tommy to not burst through the door and hug his boyfriend, to force that love and comfort on him, but Tommy knew that wouldn't help Nikki the same way it would help him if their situations were reversed.

He was going to have to let Nikki come to him.

“I’m… I’m not going anywhere, baby. It’s okay… I promise it's okay. Come out when you’re ready, I love you.”

Tommy swore he could hear Nikki choking out a sob at his words, but he said nothing, leaning his head back to thunk against the wall and shutting his eyes, ready for the long wait he knew he had before him.

Tommy wasn’t sure how long he had dozed off for, but when he was brought out of his unintentional nap on his hallway floor, the light outside had begun to fade into orange with the California sunset and there was a body sitting next to him on the floor.

He blinked at Nikki’s stony face, trying to get a reading on anything the bassist was thinking, but he was coming up empty. Nikki’s face was purposely blank, and Tommy hated it more than anything.

Reaching toward the older man, Tommy brushed some hair out of his boyfriend’s eyes to reveal the shining green that hid behind the thick locks of raven hair. Upon looking into his eyes, Tommy saw Nikki’s mask crack a tiny bit, his bottom lip quivering before taking it between his teeth, biting hard to will it to be still.

And for the first time since waking up, Tommy noticed, Nikki didn’t have a shirt on, he was sitting in the floor in his boxers, and their were scars littering the bassists chest, stomach and shoulders. Tommy’s brows furrowed in confusion and his studied the small circular scars, and there was one particularly large one on Nikki’s left pec and what the fuck.

“Can’t believe you’re still out here. It’s been like 2 hours.” Nikki’s voice pulled Tommy’s eyes away from the scars and back to his eyes, it sounded much too rough for Tommy’s ears. He longed to hear the happy, warm tone that Nikki’s voice always gets whenever he tells Tommy he loves him, he wants that voice back, goddammit.

“Where else would I be? I’m not just gonna abandon you Nikki, I really wish you’d believe that.”

And it was the truth. Nikki’s abandonment issues had surfaced well before the two had ever become intimate with each other, rearing their ugly heads whenever the two had a disagreement, leaving Nikki expecting to have to fill the Tommy sized hole in his heart with whatever illegal substances would fit in it, but he never could seem to chase the drummer away despite his imperfections and traumas.

Nikki was looking at him, mask crumbling more with each passing second, and he just looked so fucking grateful that Tommy was still here, it was hurting his heart to even look at Nikki. The fact that Nikki was so clueless about what it was like to be loved still hurt Tommy.

“They’re from… from my mom.” Tommy continued to stare at Nikki’s face as he turned his head to avoid meeting Tommy’s eyes. “Sometimes her boyfriends. Cigarettes usually, the big one was a curling iron.”

Fuck, Tommy needed to be the strong one here, Nikki needed him, but he couldn’t help the tears stinging his eyes. Who could do this to any child, let alone Nikki, his beautiful Nikki, the dark angel that he never knew he needed in his life until he came into it, and now the drummer couldn’t live without him and fuck, Nikki had hidden this for so long and he really needs to breathe but its so fucking HARD-

“I use makeup for photoshoots and shows. No one… No one has ever seen them before. You’re the first. I fucking hate them, they’re so fucking ugly and just remind me of all those fuckng bastards...”

Yeah, Tommy was crying now, but he wasn’t ashamed of it, this was his baby, the love of his life, and listening to the self deprecating talk, listening to Nikki use the word ‘ugly’ referring to himself was too fucking much. If it had been anyone else saying those words, Tommy would have beat their ass into the ground, but this was Nikki, and Nikki was holding tears back too he could tell, and then Tommy was taking his face and turning it to meet the bassist’s shiny eyes again.

“The story behind those might be ugly, Nikki, but you’re so fucking beautiful. I- I love you so fucking much.”

Nikki was sobbing then, throwing himself on Tommy’s lap, and Tommy was shocked at first at the rare display of vulnerability. Tommy felt the burning nerves and muscles in his body begin to sooth now that he had Nikki in his arms. He rocked the bassist back and forth, shushing him and petting his hair, happy to be there to comfort him when he needed him. Tommy was prepared to sit there and do this all fucking night if he had to.

Tommy sat there for the next 15 minutes, holding his boyfriend while he unleashed all the tears and frustrations and hurts that he had built up in his body, until he felt the older man pull back enough to plant a hard kiss on his lips.

Tommy smiled into the kiss, the tingling feeling remaining on his lips when Nikki pulled back to mumble out an I love you to the drummer. Tommy leaned forward and peppered Nikki’s collarbone with kisses, a gasp leaving the bassist’s throat when Tommy’s lips dipped down to the large scar on his pectoral muscle, the drummer sucking a love bite into the darkened flesh.

“You always said you like it when I leave hickies behind, right? Well that’s my new permanent hickey spot.”

Nikki was choking out a laugh, his eyes sparkling despite the fact that his tears had dried up. They now sparkled with the love he held for his drummer, his savior.

“No one will ever touch you like that again, babe. I don't want you looking at that spot and thinking of her, I want you to look at it and think of me.”

Nikki managed to let out a smile at his boyfriend's words, letting them wash over his heart and appease his soul and he tucked himself back under Tommy’s chin and just let himself be held. He was smiling into Tommy’s T-shirt, with the love bite that was sucked into his chest seeped through the cold memories that had imbedded themselves into that scar and dispelled them.

“Thank God, I was tired of waking up sweaty from my T-shirt’s.” Nikki mumbled into Tommy’s chest and felt the rumble as the drummer huffed out a laugh into his hair.

In that moment, Nikki knew that there wasn’t one scar that he had that Tommy couldn’t heal, and he couldn’t help but feel eternally grateful that the drummer was persistent enough to push through his initial resistance to anything involving love or comfort.

“Come on, your back has to be killing you.”

And then Nikki was standing up, pulling Tommy with him with a peck to the lips, headed to their bed to sleep comfortably for the first time in years.

[taezhu]

soccer player!jaehyun

you meet jaehyun in your first year, but not until quite late on

hes the same year as you but you dont have any classes together, it's by chance you see each other actually

you're buying coffee and the university cafe and you're ahead of him in the queue, choosing what coffee to have

and somehow, which is 100% embarrassing, you forget your purse upstairs to pay for it, it was left with your friends

which is so annoying because the lady is giving you the most evil look ever since she just made this for you

and prince jung jaehyun comes swooping in to save you and says he'll pay for you too

since all he wanted was water anyway

and you're thankful but keep telling him you'll pay him back which he declines, telling you it's good for his karma etc etc

except you drag him up to your friends to give him back the money and realise that they dont have your purse either

yikes. double embarrassment

So you offer to take his number so you can organise a time to give him back the money some time later that week

“are you trying to get my number out of me this way? I expected more”

“but seriously, it's like £1.50, I'll live”

though he gives you his number anyway when you tell him you need to give it to him for your karma too

thus start the rumours from your friends about you and jaehyun since apparently hes pretty well known at uni

it's his face, and the fact hes the new striker of the university team who's won them the past four matches

but you keep telling them that there is nothing between you two because are they stupid?

Well. You think they are since you dont ever see jaehyun again after you give him the money back for the coffee the next day

that is until you're sat alone at a booth doing some work for your class later and youre so distracted by your music that you almost miss him

Jaehyun is standing at the entrance to the booth with a smile on his face and dimples just starting to show

“There's nowhere to sit, do you mind? I'm kinda shy about sitting with people I dont know”

Your work is forgotten and you end up talking to jaehyun for the two hours you're free until you have to leave

and he's a conversationalist, he loves to talk about the things he likes and what interests him

but he also loves to listen

He has this half smile on his lips whenever you're talking which grows whenever you meet his eyes

turns out you're both in some of the same societies you both just dont go, so you agree to go together

(though you think it's not actually going to happen)

when you tell him you have to go, he surprises you by saying he can wait until you're fine to walk you home

“If you want, I mean, I dont want to intrude. It's going to be dark soon though”

So you agree, knowing that it will be dark and that you would definitely want to walk with him more than taking the bus

and it was pretty much that day that you both became friends!

It's a friendship that it mostly based on jaehyun's unapologetic attempts to show his affection towards you

Though cliche, you dont really notice it and often find yourself blinded by the fact he's your friend

You're telling your friends that every time he walks you home and holds your things and invites you to have dinner with him its because hes such a good friend of yours

and this annoys him to be honest!

because he feels kind of hopeless in his attempt to show you that he sees you as more than a friend

At first he did just think of you as a friend but the more he got to know you the more he fell in love with you

Even more cliche actually, that is

It gets to the point that just at the end of your first year he has to sit you down and tell you straight up how he feels

hes nervous, but when you tell him he can tell you anything, he just blurts it out all at once

And you’ve never seen him like this before, so nervous and shy, but also really confident?

I feel as though he would tell you, get all shy and start blushing

but as soon as you start to talk it out he’s like, i knew you’d like me this whole time

Because it’s jaehyun.. Have you seen him?

Anyway, he keeps his position as your boyfriend and as the striker on the soccer team into the next year

He’d be the devoted boyfriend, one who gives you lots of love when you don’t expect it. He’s always there for you

And usually it comes in the form of him leaving you a smoothie with strawberries in at your house when he leaves in the morning

Or him making you some food from a recipe his mother gave him to impress you

Jaehyun...he isn’t the best cook but he tries and always calls in his friends to help him

Who love you by the way! They think you’re the best thing to happen to jaehyun since.. Yeah

Since he started university, he’s so happy now and he isn’t miserable in the mornings like before

He always invites you to his games and gets you to sit in the front row so that he can celebrate with you if he wants

Be weary, he’ll always keep an eye on you the entire game making sure that he can see what you’re doing and that no one’s being mean to you

Imagine one game where you’re kind of minding your own business, on instagram as you wait for the game to start

And jaehyun is warming up on the pitch as per usual, he’s occasionally looking over to you since he is infatuated with you - more on that later

And the people a few seats down are saying something about him which catches your attention

Something about him replacing their friend who was so much better that it required them to slate every part of jaehyun they could, including him personally

And it’s up to you whether you would get involved but.. If you do don’t expect jaehyun not to notice

The second you’re bringing up their words to the people, they’re defensive and it turns into a shouting match which is first noticed by johnny, the teams goalkeeper

jaehyun’s best friend, by the way

He runs over to make sure that nothing bad is going to happen and it won’t, but when jaehyun notices johnny coming to your aid

oh jaehyun isn’t too happy

He’ll immediately be at your defence, jumping over into the stands and pushing back one of the guys who takes a step forward and swears at you

It ends up being a lot worse than it needed to be.. Jaehyun getting a suspension from the team for the match, which he doesn’t care about

Mostly because he walks off with you and sits down with you on the outside of the stands, ignoring johnny who tells him he needs to speak to the coach

He’s literally infatuated with you and everything you do

So a one game suspension isn’t anything for him, as long as he knows you’re okay!!

Though you do tell him to not do it again, and he in return makes you promise you’ll sit with his and johnny’s friends from now on

Who are all tall, buff guys that won’t ever want to envoke the wrath of jung jaehyun so protect you like you’re fine china

It’s also cute at his matches

Like sometimes when he comes up to you before the game and asks for one kiss before he starts

“It’s good luck, do you want me to not score?”

And you’re sure he fixes it because every time he does it he gets an immediate hat trick that very game

sometimes he’ll come afterwards but you’ll tell him to shower first since he always seems to have dirt all over him and he’s sweaty

He’ll smother you anyway with a hug so good luck getting that out of your sweater ~

other than that, jaehyun will show you off to everyone

He’s so proud of you, even for the smallest things

Say you get a question right in your class, he’ll be sitting with lucas one day eating lunch and he’ll start talking about how smart you are

Lucas is just humming, ultimately not too interested because he’s heard this all a thousand times to be honest

“You don’t understand lucas, there’s something special here. They’re just so… special. Smart. Talented. What else could i ask for? I must have been really special in my past life”

“I know hyung, you tell me all the time”

“But you don’t understand”

Lucas will complain about it all the time to you and ask you to shut him up at some point

Even if you ask him if he talks about you like that he won’t deny it, because he knows its all true

jaehyun is just the best boyfriend of all time and it can’t be argued with

He’s the type who smiles when you’re kissing and can’t call you baby or say he loves you without his dimples showing

Its like those sickly sweet romances, except nothing about it is sickly to either of you and he would do anything for you

He did almost burn down his entire kitchen when he found out that you liked steamed buns and wanted to make you some

He just couldn’t work out the steamer and luckily johnny and his mom were around to save the day, thank god

All jaehyun wants in return is for you to love him back

and loving him is easy, have you seen him?

oh, he would also request that you spend at least two nights a week with him because he gets kind of lonely

and he also wants you as a study buddy since he can’t concentrate when he’s on his own

But when you tell him to get on with his work he’ll happily do it~

I guess the whole soccer player bit is an added extra, since who doesn’t like soccer players?

Moreover, who doesn’t like jung jaehyun?

a/n: thank you guys for putting up with my absence! I'm back now, though I still have a lot of work to do so I'm sorry if I'm not as active as I have been before. I missed you all! enjoy jaehyun as an apology, and the rest to come!

[hugsfromdad]

Hey kids,

How is everyone?

It's been a long time since I've done a check-in post and I've recently been feeling a real need to reconnect with all of you on here.

TLDR: my life is really busy and crazy and theater hasn't been good for me but I'm surviving. I miss y'all sm and want to hear from you. Whether it's anon, message, comment, or reblog. I have next to no freetime rn, but i really want to reconnect and am gonna try my best to be present on here more.💗

My life update: I've been so enjoying not being on instagram and just focusing on myself, healing and growing, and the few real relationships I have outside of social media. However, it's been hard cause I realized just how few close friends i actually have and the desperate need I have for friends who live nearby me. My two current best friends live 3.5 hours away, and in Colorado... So not someone i can hit up to have supper with and get a hug from when im having a tough day. And ive been having quite a few of those recently.

Joining theater has been...an experience. My mum has helped me to realize that i joined this production with expectations of making new friends.... Those expectations, as low as i thought they were, were wrong. It's like being in a ridiculously intense class with kids who already all know each other. It's not a clique, and I'm not being excluded, but it's like trying to break into a world where i dont even speak their language, and I'm still deciding if i really even want to.

I've been spending 3-4 days a week, 3hrs+ (sometimes 10hrs) per day with these people, for now 2 months--and I still dont know more than 3ish facts about the majority of them. A couple of them i have been able to get closer to-- but only because I found a time outside of practice hours to get to know them.

This has been really difficult for me. A lot about this situation is triggering for me and bringing me back to my bad years when I knew and spent time with a lot of people, but felt really alone and had no friends... So, it gets kind of scary when im already having a bad day and i go to practice. I have to be really careful and intentional of staying on the road when I drive home because my suicidalness kicks back in real strong...yeah, it's that bad. But I'm being careful and open with my mum and therapist about this all.

On good days, I kind of maybe consider doing this again. But in actuality... I dont want to. I'm not really having fun and I don't want to put myself through this again. I dont have a passion for this and I would need some really good, close (location-wise and friendship-wise) friends in my life, and in theater, to be able to enjoy doing this again.

So yeah... That's THAT whole situation. I'm counting the days til it's over... 20. Closing night is on my birthday... Best present I could get. I really just want to have my life back from this. And i hate that I'm good at it and so the people there assume im having fun and gonna want to do this again.. And, worst of all assumptions; that im carefree and happy-- lol.

So thats pretty unfortunate, but I'm at least getting another really good learning experience, and I cannot tell yall how fucking proud of myself i am for doing this. This is a big deal and I threw myself in the deep end and it turns out im actually good at swimming--even if I dont like it.

When it comes to my personal life (what's that?) It boils down to: I need friends. I'm trying to find people close in location to me... But, because my soul is currently owned by the theater, I cant do much at all. I am trying tho.

I tried a few dating apps... Oof. Ew no. I hate dating apps and I hated every moment on there. Not finding people really and its pretty sucky, but my therapist keeps reminding me that it's not me, it's my difficult situations throughout life that's kept me from finding people to date. There was one person I matched with who I was talking to for a bit, but then they havent replied to me for 2 days now, so im hoping everything is okay, but I'm kinda used to being ghosted at this point. Ill finding someone tho. Its gotta happen.

I'm pursuing my transition more-- hopefully I'll be starting testosterone soon and I'm looking into surgeons now and saving my money with a mindset towards top surgery within a year... We'll see. But its super exciting. My theater director (who is really bipolar and freaks me out some, but seems to adore me) put a stubble beard on me with makeup yesterday cause I had mentioned wanting a beard once i got on testosterone. It nearly made me cry and I couldnt stop smiling. I wore it home and hated taking it off before bed. I really really want a beard and im so fucking close, it's giving me strength.

My music and writing and painting and all other things have come to a screeching halt since starting theater, but i have a ton of inspiration that's built up over the past couple months that I'm super excited to unleash it the moment I'm free of this commitment. Im already working on a musical about this whole experience joining theater that I think would be really good. And I really want to finish my books and get them out there. We shall see what happens.

I love you all so much and my heart constantly goes out to you all and all of your experiences and struggles. I want to be here with you and laugh and cry, morn and celebrate together. Hopefully more of the good, tho.

Please feel free to reach out to me, even though I haven't been active at all on here. Message/anon me about your life, or questions, updates, celebrations, jokes, good pickup lines for me to use on my best friend as soon as his cruise is over and I can spam him again (holy shit I miss him so much @jamesboii please come home soon). Or like just reach out and say hello-- it might take me a day to reply, but i will.

Love y'all so much, sorry for this long blurp about my life. But i just wanted to post something and try to reconnect.

What do y'all want to see me posting? Im down to try new things. ✌

Sending hugs and love,

���-dad

[kieranfromfinance-blog]

Do you find people

Do you find people make assumptions about you because of your line of work?Domino wakes up at 8 am every morning and performs booked shows for clients paying between $US90 and $US120 an hour. That's about sixteen times her state minimum wage, and she doesn't have to leave her bedroom. If a client wants to book through MyFreeCams rather than sending money directly, Domino charges double. There's not a cent lost to a middle man. It seems like a pretty swell setup: "I love my job," Domino gushes. "I can work when I want to, as much as I want to, [and] nobody can tell me how to do my job. She's right. At her strip club, she was required to come in four to five days a week, spinning on a pole. Now, she can work all day. Or not at all. The last time we spoke, she was working on an ebook project, spending her time as she pleased.Unlike many who work in the sex industry, Sandy Bell does not worry about her own security.But some women are not free to make the choices Lana has. Oana, 28, counts herself as an escapee from the sex industry. At 16 - a minor - she fell in love with a boyfriend who persuaded her to do video chat.

It happened through a friend of a friend of mine. Thats usually how these things go. She had found, through a network of girls, a website that paid decent money for cam girling if you put the work in. I signed up, submitted my name, ID, bank details and some photos and within 24 hours I was approved as a bonafide Cam Girl ­with no bloody idea of what I was doing.Today, things are different. After saving money and learning enough savvy to avoid continued exploitation, Anna is done with money-sucking studios, and so she works only about five days a month, from her own home. Five days of camming per month allow her to match the Romanian per capita income of roughly $US12,000 per year with a minuscule fraction of the labour. If she wants more money, she works more days.Working an eight-hour day, she earns close to 4,000 euros (£3,600) per month - nearly 10 times the Romanian average wage. As Lana's employer, Studio 20 also makes 4,000 euros per month from her online sessions. And at the top of the video chat money-making pyramid, LiveJasmin - the online cam site that streams Studio 20's content and is responsible for collecting payment from the credit cards of clients - takes double that: 8,000 euros. She started as a nervous 18-year-old girl and cashes in on her signature 'innocent' look – pulling her hair into pigtails before she heads online to meet her guests.

For Lana, 31, webcamming has provided enough money for her to bring up her daughter alone, and to think about investing money in something "that will bring money to the country". She plans to give up in two years' time.One thing that I admittedly dont have control over, proven by the phone conversation that spurred me to write this piece, is the judgment that others will cast on my when they know that I do for money. Even those who know that as well as dancing, I am a student and hold a day job in retail. Its a shame that women are continuously told not to express themselves for fear of judgment and labeling. Why are we told that there are good girls and there are whores? In my life, I want to embrace every aspect that comes with being a woman. I want to be sexy and intelligent. I want to be passionate and headstrong but I want others to know that I feel too.When I first left university, I went freelance straight away and didnt quite realise how hard it was to get regular work. I moved in with a friend who webcammed and I was like Oh that sounds like something Id love to do! I already had a sex blog and I was already posting nudes of myself and I absolutely loved it, but webcamming was a bit more of a jump. Theres still this mad taboo around it, that youre selling your body for sex, but its not exactly like that. You can do whatever you like on webcam. Most of the time youre just talking and keeping people company.Some sessions earn her $10 – others $2000 depending on how much the men on the other side of the screen are willing to give her in tips. CONTINUED BELOW...

[greeneggsandhann]

Hey guys. I’m Hannah. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict. Both Alcoholic and Addict are capitalized because I look at my addiction and alcoholism as an asset to my life rather than an expense. Here is my journey:

I know exactly where and when my disease started. It was 2010 and I was 16 years old. Some junior girls invited me to a sleepover with them. My friend and I have never drank before, so we thought this was going to be the perfect occasion, somewhere we were safe and somewhere we couldn’t get caught,...and if we did get caught by our parents, we wouldn’t actually get into any trouble other than a lecture or a very intense hangover. So, we all sat in a circle with two water bottles one filled with strawberry vodka and one filled with orange vodka. They taught and demonstrated how to take a “shot.” Step 1) Put a little bit of koolaid in your mouth Step 2) Drink the vodka Step 3) Chug the rest of the koolaid After I took that drink I remember my lips went numb along with my teeth. I thought this was crazy and I loved every feeling of it. We each had about 3 shots and within the hour we all were laughing and had a pretty good buzz going on. Things kept coming in and out for me. One minute I would be upstairs and the next I was downstairs trying to take more shots with my friend Jo. I finished the bottles and passed out in my own throw up. The next day when I woke up I was filled with shame and guilt because this poor girl had to clean up after me all night. I was mortified and embarrassed I couldn’t hang like the rest of them. Also, I felt like shit. Of course, I never would have known at that point in time that my brain functions differently than other peoples brain. In my 16 year old head I never thought I could be an alcoholic just by that one time.

I moved away from home for my first time and tried out college. I made up this huge bullshit story to my doctor about how I needed adderall to help me focus better in school. That was all I had to say and BOOM wish granted. The world in my hands. I could do so much more and actually enjoy anything I was doing while on it. About a month after I had gotten that script I dropped out of school and found a passion in the food service industry. Where I moved up fast. I Became a bartender and then moved up to management by the time I was 21. I was working long hours, close-open shifts. My tolerance with adderall built up. And I needed more and more to make it through the day. Eventually, my script lasted less than a week and that is when I started spending hundreds of dollars on adderall a month. When I didn’t have the money and couldn’t take it, I became a completely different person. I was irritable and lazy, always tired and pretty much careless. I remember thinking out loud one day to a friend about how much money I am spending on it and how I felt like I didn’t have any passion or care about anything when I was on it. But I didn’t think that was a stopping point I just wanted it to go back to how it used to be where I could take one per day and go to sleep at night without having to feel wired.

About a year of being an assistant manager, I was often tardy for my shifts. My best friend in the whole world fired me. It was something I needed. I needed to get out of the industry and move back home with my mom and save up some money. So that is what I tried to do. I stopped calling my doctor for the adderall because I knew it was killing me. That was when I started picking up pints of vodka. One day I had missed work because I got too fucked up during the day and passed out. I woke up to my mom screaming at me. So I got in my car and was on my way to my aunts. On the way I was hit by a huge SUV. I was still drunk and didn’t have my seat belt on and passed out in the car for a few minutes. When I woke up there were so many lights, firetrucks, an ambulance. My head was gushing blood. At my window there was the couple who were in the other car. I started screaming and crying and they were the sweetest couple ever. They hugged me and asked if they could pray with me. So we prayed. I was off in the ambulance next and asked them to take me to Mercy Health hospital because there must be some God there waiting for me. That happened to be the nurse who clearly knew what had happened but refused to do any blood work on me that could check my BAC. She was an angel and stitched up my head with no judgement whatsoever.

My next brilliant idea was to move to Detroit with my cousin, Jewell. Find a new scenery away from everything kinda like a fresh start for me. I was doing pretty good there. I didn’t have very much money to drink and no adderall. I found a good job at the airport. Then started bartending again and suddenly had good meeting so I started drinking more and more. Started buying pints every night to just chill and have a little fun and something to look forward to. Never really thought it was a big deal, but I never told my cousin about it either because she would be all weird and try to tell me I shouldn’t be drinking so much and watching my every move. So it was my little secret. Work was going well. Longer shifts were getting more difficult to me and I couldn’t understand why. I started getting really dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. My hands would shake and I was sweat profusely. I thought I had vertigo or something like that. Not once did I blame it on the alcohol.

The year went by and I moved out. My car broke down. Back at home with my mom and my brother. Drinking a lot. Having mental breakdowns often. Haunting dreams. That brought me to Pine Rest where I was an impatient for mental illness and drug abuse. I went into this facility thinking “its unrealistic I am never going to have a drink again.” That kind of attitude. When I left there I felt so good for the first time in a while.

About a month later I got wasted while working. I was taking xanax and sneaking shots while I was working. I got sent home. Probably fired. I drove and smashed my brand new 2015 honda civic into a parked car. Tried to start my car and get away. But my car was too smart and notified the police. I blew .31 and was still functional (kinda) So i went to Jail, and I tried every kind of way to get out. That includes faking a seizure and scratching so hard my wrists would bleed. Obviously, that didn’t work. I was too embarrassed and did not want to face my guilt and shame to call someone, so I didn’t. ohhhhh but they found me. and brought the whole litter to pick me up. (aunts cousins niece brother mom) I was offered to go to rehab that day and I told them that jail was rehab enough,

One month after that incident I was on my way back from Detroit I was feeling really sad and depressed and I had a lot of thoughts about suicide in my head. I was drinking the whole way back and made the selfish decision to speed up and hit a semi going 85 mph on the freeway. I didnt know what the plan was in that moment, I didn’t know if I actually wanted to die or just wanted a scare. It was so selfish and I cannot believe I would ever put other people at risk. I am so ashamed to this day. The cop asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or get breathalyzed. I choose the hospital. my BAC was 5X over the legal limit. and when my aunt and my mom showed up I cried and told them I was ready to go to rehab and I needed help. The next day I was checked into Brighton rehab center for two weeks.

Rehab was amazing. It is not a bad place to be. Its a safe and comfortable place to share your emotions and to withdraw without any judgement. I made life long friends and learned so much about recovery there.

Right after that trip I continued going to my SMART Recovery meetings and had just moved into a sober living house. I was doing really well I had gotten a job, learned how the bus system works. I learned so damn much in that month of being there. But another Relapse happened. It was a 4 day relapse. This time I was DONE.

I made my second trip to Brighton rehab center for two weeks. I knew this was not enough, After that, I admitted myself into the Sanford house for 44 days of rehab. I was doing well and I was nervous about leaving because I would actually have to start connecting with people at meetings etc. I really wanted to give AA a try so i started attending meetings. I found a sponsor right away who is truly amazing. She has taught me so much and guided me through the steps. I started going to YPAA meetings and connecting with young people in recovery. I have made so many life long friends through all of this. I had finally found a hope that I never thought could exist. I know that this is still early recovery and some people might say it’s my “pink cloud” but I have seen so much God in my life right now. Finally, I feel free and I feel actual Joy and contentment.

Being an Alcoholic and an Addict is an asset to my life. Because without this disease I would not be the strong and hopeful woman I am today, It is so amazing to be able to say I am Proud of me.

Long post. Thanks for reading. If you or anyone you know are struggling with addiction and need some support or an ear. PLEASE do not hesitate to contact in my messages on here.

Thanks again for reading. KEEP COMING BACK IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT AND IT SUCKS IF YOU DONT

ONE DAY AT A TIME

[georgipopovich-voiceblog]

Its okay. You do not suck. Its a perfectly valid reason to not go. Life gets in the way sometimes. Anyway, i only asked because ill be going to college in september and i was wondering if you had any advice for a freshman? (I was the one who asked btw) like. Stuff to bring/not bring, do's and dont's, etc. The whole idea is kind of a little bit terrifying.

//Oh,right. I’m sorry.

Well,as a freshman, you’ll want to keep a planner, for everything, notjust for classes. Not only will this help you organize, but you canactively see where you can put aside time for school work, socialtime, and self care. Always make time for self care, at least onceper week. Log it in, physically make a plan for it, don’t letanybody take away that from you. (Mine are friday nights, and I liketo shower, exfoliate, and treat myself to a nicely cooked meal, andthen watch forensic files)

Havingone folder, one binder, one notebook for everything can beoverwhelming and heavy. What I suggest is to have a single binder foreverything, and to put loose leaf paper into it (Which is muchcheaper to buy than measely 80 page notebooks, and you get way morepaper), and hook your folder s if you need them into it, or just usetabs which is what I use.

Onetab for math, one tab for literature, one tab for economics, etc. Itmakes it far less stressful, and your back will thank you.

Havea separate folder for paperwork from the college itself, likefinancial aid, or cashier’s office, or book store. Schools willfuck things up, a lot. You have no idea how many times I’vescreenshotted my payments and gone to the financial aid office toprove to them that I already paid, and saved my ass. Don’t buybooks ahead of time unless you’ve already talked to the professoron how often you will use it. I had a professor who ended up notusing his books MANY times, and in fact would just copy the pages heneeded and passed them out on his own dime. (God bless you Dr.Lanigan) It will save you hundreds.

Meal.Prep. It doesn’t have to be fancy. But there’s something calledthe Freshman 15, where you either gain 15 pounds in your first year,or lose it. You need to prepare yourself with foods that will giveyou energy. Remember breakfast in the morning, remember snacks,remember to pack non perishable things that won’t make you sickduring the day. I used to bring a whole jar of peanut butter andwhole loaf of bread to last me my 12 hour days at school. Try to makeit as nutritious as possible, because god almighty, you need thefocus. Lots of carbs and heavy foods will make your brain want tosleep, not focus.

Hydrate.Coffee sounds real good when you’re a freshman, and you’re boundto need coffee as often as you’d like, but for the love of god…drink water in between cups of coffee. Coffee dehydrates you, andwill actually make you crash harder if you haven’t hydrated inbetween cups of coffee. Not only does it make you more energized, itwill help you stay full if you have it with your snacks. Your skinwill thank you as well.

Youare not required to dress up for classes, no matter what people tellyou. If you are in the middle of a flu, and exams at the same time,your teachers are just glad you are alive enough to take the test,and won’t judge pajama pants and a big hoodie. Unless you have apresentation, don’t try to dress to impress.

Makefriends with the right people, by talking with classmates, get toknow who likes to form study groups, and socialize with them on that.They’re going to be the people who take notes for you when you aresick, or set up google docs for their friends while typing up notes.Set up time before class, maybe just ten or twenty minutes, to gothrough study guides on test days, make it fun, bring a snack, getpeople hyped up, be the cheerleader.

Nappingin your car is not a bad thing. I’ve slept in the breastfeedinglounge in the bathrooms, the cafeteria, the student lounge, and mycar. Nobody judges you. They think “Oh fuck I should nap in my carsometime”

Thereare many departments in your school. If your car needs a jump whenthe battery dies, you can ask security to give you a jump on yourcar. I’ve done it too many times with my shitty toy car that I usedto drive.

Utilizethe printer, as it’s cheap as fuck to print your sheets, and alwaysmake a copy, so you can write down what you’d like to change, and aspare, in case you don’t get a chance to edit before turning it in.

Earlymorning classes are the devil, but you get out earlier, and you getmore done in the day. Don’t be afraid of early classes, because ifan afternoon class gets cancelled, you end up getting out at likefucking noon and it’s the best fucking feeling in the world.

Keepchapstick on you, one pen and one pencil, and if your school doesscantrons, always keep a few in your bag, because you will forget oneof these days, and it happens to everyone.

Seekcounseling through the school. it’s free. Some universities havetheir own clinic, and it’s great. Non charge. Some people get somecharges, depending on their stuff, but you should utilize it. Don’ttry to do it before a class. Make that your last thing you do in theday, because class will not be fun after therapy.

Carrycash, and force yourself to use that instead of your card, becauseyou will keep track of what you’re spending. Then save the coinsup, at the end of each day, empty your coins into a little piggybank, it adds up for a while. I can’t tell you how many times thosecoins have been emergency gas for me.

[i-the-goddess]

chapter 243 continuation  {part 2}

…

He opened his eyes to a bright light up his head and noises, so much noise like, people talking in a hurry… and.. a familiar voice calling his name..over and over, like waking him up or rather…conforting him, but it was so loud, his ears were so sensitive that they disoriented his stability, but….he wasn’t walking, in fact it looks like he was laying on something, that is also…moving….”ugh so much noise” he thought and closed his eyes yet again and this time, drifting to sleep.

So…thirsty..

-”mm…wa…er…water”

He tried reaching for the cup on his bedside table, he always keep water around.

But the table seems so far and his hand seems not even moving.

What the hell

He opened his eyes and saw a room that did not look like his, not even one bit, it even smelled different, like medicine almost….its medicine.

He frowned and looked around, it was dark but the light form the hallway seeped through illuminating slightly the room.

It was quiet, very quiet. And he, he was freaking out. His heart beat kept on getting faster the moment he realized that every limb in his body is hardly moving. Uncontrollably he started moving his left leg but felt something a bit …heavy..and warm, on top of it.

Suddenly it felt lighter and GuanShan saw a head rising, and a hand squeezing lightly his own….who the fu-

-”guanshan, you’re up ?”

“He tian why are you here ? Why am I here ?” …but all that came out his throat was a soft dry mumble… his throat hurts like hell. He frowned in confusion looking deeply in he tian’s eyes.

The latter looked exhausted but his face lightened up when he saw Mo…frowning.

-”I’ll call the doctor right away, don’t worry little mo, i will be right back”

Once he tian went out the room, he tumed up the light on his way. Mo then had a clear view of his hands, well.. not so clear…he felt his right eye a bit puffy. But his hands were scratched, his knuckles were in bandages and then it hit him. The fight…the thugs…his mother…the beating and the escape…

He remembers it all now…”did i end up in a hospital? Did he tisn bring me here? How?…i …don’t remember…what…what about my mother ?! Did she hear?, oh no…no…..fuck no….i have to call her…. right now…shit”

-”oh you’re awake! ..earlier than expected”…the doctor looked at his watch and smiling gently at the boy

-”how are you feeling? Can you talk ? Hmm…no i guess, well its normal after being choked, the throat swallowed up and got inflamed”

The doctor begins examining the throat from outside, then opening gently the mouth. Mo was quiet and just staring at he tian that was standing near the door, eyeing him softly, while Guanshan is glaring in confusion.

The doctor removed the sheets revealing guanshan’s naked chest that had two bruises. They were slightly purple.

-”the punches did not hit a vital organ luckily and they are not that deep, expect them to fade away in a week or so, what concerns me is the bruised on your back, i believe it’s a bat ?” He turned to he tian that mumbled bitterly “a baseball bat” the doctor nodded and continued examinig Guanshan

-”that hit was serious. It touched your spine, and did some damage to your nervous system, thats why moving your arms and legs feels heavy…the good knew is that you will regain the functions and abilities as per usual within two to three days..right now youre under heavy medication that relieves pain and they can make you more loose, so don’t worry. The injuries won’t be life threatening, two days from now and you can run around again.”

The doctor finished examining the boy and took his leave after mumbling few words to He tian which the boy nodded to.

Once the two  alone in the room. The silence felt heavy. Guanshan had a lot to say but his throat felt closed up which made him even more confused to the point of anger.

-”i told your auntie that you are spending the weekend at my house, so dont  Worry. I’m…not leaving you here alone”

Somehow he tian read the redhead’s mind and…hearing those words made Guanshan a lot less stressed. he sighed relieved and his face relaxed a bit.

He tian walked up slowly to the chair near the bed and sat there. Never breaking their eye contact

-”since you cant talk for a few hours ill take the lead…ill tell you everything that happened….after you dragged me away, we ended up in a place i didn’t know but you collapsed their so i took you to a hospital, by then it was late evening..no its..12:47am …they took care of you and luckily you didnt have any serious injuries” he tian flashed that famous smile at The redHead but Mo knew how fake and mask like that smile looked at the moment. Because he tians face threw it all, he looked very very exhausted, pale white, with a slit up buttom lip that is no longer bleeding, his hair half of it is going in a No-Direction and the other half is stuck to his forehead, his white shirt is barely white anymore and his eyes were blood shot red with a red tiny bruise started forming under his left eye. His knuckle..no in fact his both hands were wrapped in bandages. He looked so…not “he tian-like”…and yet he keeps on that fake smile.

-”wipe …that fakk..e ..fuck..in g…sm..ile…o..off..f”

He tian, who was holding the redhead’s hand was caught off guard.

The smile faded in seconds amd was replaced by the true angst and fear, confusion and hurt. He was in pain, a physical on.

He sighed and buried his head on guanshan’s thigh.

They stayed like that for a good five minutes before he tian started talking again, head still on the redhead’s thigh

-”you…you scared me…when you collapsed..you..you were out cold…i was…so…….afraid”

Clenching his hand even tighter that guanshan felt what he tian was feeling and…it hurt him..too.

A broken afraid he tian was not something he is used to seeing. He didn’t know how to react, mo wanted to comfort him, to tell him its okay, that he is fine and no need to worry. He hated making people worried, or carring, or any form of attention really..that is how he is. He hates people being up his business without permission. But today, he tian broke that invisible red line that guanshan keeps on redrawing over and over for him. Why….why is he always up my business this…fucking….idiot…got injured because of me. I…hate being in dept. Sigh…but he really did…rescue me…i was in a really tough situation, he…Saved Me, Not once.. but twice.

I never understood this guy, what is his intention? What does he want from me ? Does he even “want” something from me? ….being in the face of danger like that for someone…for a ….a friend? Is he really my friend?

Mo tried gathering up a little breath inside his lungs to speak, even though it hurts like hell to do so.

-”thank yo..u….he…..tian..”

He tian lifted his head at the sound of those words. A weak smile appeared on his lips, it was faint but there.

Still holding the redhead’s hand he moved closer. Slowly and gently until his face was inches apart from guanshan’s , the other felt confused, but calm.

Gently, he tian placed his lips on top of guanshan’s forehead, leaving a warm, soft slow kiss. Mo closed his eyes and held his breath. “..this…it feels nice….it feels reassuring….just like..home”

Its weird because it came from he tian,  but it doesn’t feel that bad, in fact it feels good,

He tian then lowered his gaze at guanshan, which the other looked at him in return, both their eyes were in harmony, they both felt what guanshan refused to admit at first…he felt that kind of attraction.

Both beat up, looking so bad that night yet so sexy in each other’s eyes. It could be the hormones or it could be the drugs that the doctor injected but the redhead knew that if it weren’t for the loss of mouvement in his arms , a hand will be deep in he tians hair while the other stroking gently his bruised cheekbone.

His eyes were so fixated on he tians lip. He wanted to lick the cut…to massage it slowly with his lips while his tongue traces the outline of he tian’s lip.

The desire was so clear in his eyes, his face went red, that beautiful blush across his face made he tian want him more and more, he also was confused by that sudden reaction, but he should never- ..in fact he made a promise to never touch redhead without his permission.

Their faces millimeters a part, their heavy breathing mixed up in the tiny space separating their lustfull lips..

-”..can i ..kiss you?”

Closing his eyes slowly, Mo nodded, giving access to he tian.

gently but lustfully he closed the gap between them, while holding each others hand tightly like their lives depended on the only thing keeping them alive…each other.

____________________________

“He closed the gap “ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Thanks for reading the fanfic !!

[hp-fanficc]

Tutoring Troubles - Chapter 1

As Hermione levitated the last of her posters in the library, she was really hoping that someone would reply to her offer to tutor them for exams. She was willing to teach any subject, up to practice OWL exams, as she was already preparing for her own. The library was about to close, and she sighed as she made her way back to the Gryffindor Common Room. Truth be told, while studying with someone would be beneficial, she could really use the money, and the sooner the better

Draco had noticed Hermione putting up posters around the school for the past hour and couldn't help but find it slightly amusing. When noticing her on her way back to the Gryffindor common room, he thought he'd have a little fun. "Not had enough time making yourself feel smarter than others, granger?" He called after her, the smile lingering on his lips

Hermione swiveled on the spot upon hearing her name, but immediately regretted it. She started to turn away without saying anything, surely Draco Malfoy would know nor care about her money issues, with his royalties and parents sending him anything he desired as fast his owl could deliver it.

"Going to ignore me now?" He asked, walking towards her while his grin played on his lips. "Now tell me, why do you want to tutor people? Isnt doing weasleys homework enough for you?"

"If you're not going to inquire about the service, just walk away, Malfoy." She said, an exasperated tone to her voice. She really had quite enough to deal with to put up with him, on top of it all.

He couldnt help but laugh. "And how would i inquire?" He asked, his tone quite jokey still

She turned around. "Do you need help in any subject, advancing from first year to OWL-level?" She asked in a curt fashion.

"I might do. I'm more interested in how i would ask for your... Help" he said simply, hiding the fact that he was honestly asking instead of annoying her

"It's tutoring, Malfoy. I'm not going to complete your assignments for you." she answered point-blank, assuming that's what he'd want

Nevermind then" he shrugged, walking away from her. "Good luck getting clients" he said over his shoulder as he heads towards the dungeons

The next day in potions, Draco sat with his head quite low as he struggled to get the instructions to work with what was happening in his cauldron. Snape has swept by the Gryffindor table giving his usual snide remarks to Harry and Ron, and kept silent at Hermione's cauldron, meaning he found nothing to criticize. "Just ignore it.." Hermione said softly to her friends as Snape walked on. After Draco himself received a disappointed look and a grunt off Snape, he walked away. Draco turned off his cauldron and sat in silence at the back of the room with his head on the table. As the bell rang, they started to pack up and Hermione, passing the Slytherin table, scrunched up her nose. Someone's potion had failed horribly, not that Snape would dare subtract points from his precious house. Draco waved his wand, quickly clearing the potion when seeing Hermione scrunch her nose. "Looking at something?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at her She shook her head quickly. Now wasn't the time to instigate anything, right under Snape's nose. Even Harry and Ron knew better.

After about half an hour, an owl was sent off draco to find hermione at her dorm later that night. He didn't want people knowing he needed a bit of help from the gryffindor princess. "Meet me in the library at nine." Hermione read this over and over. She wasn't sure if it was a serious offer, or an attempt for someone to catch her out of bounds, after the library had closed. Only one way to find out. "Hey Harry..."

She stood in front of the library in Harry's invisibility cloak at 8:50. Either this person would show up, or they wouldn't. Draco entered the library at 8:55 and hung in the shadows as he looked around for hermione. Maybe she was coming. As students started to filter through the hallways back to their dorms the only one staying put was Draco Malfoy. She wasn't quick to trust it was him but as he, too, continued to stay he had just as much risk of getting caught. Taking off the cloak behind a pillar, Hermione emerged and walked towards him calmly. He raised an eyebrow as she approached him. "Nice to see that you came" he said simply, his eyes glided to her

"So you were the client, then?"

He gave a quick nod before moving to sit on a table near her. "Yes but before anything else, we need to talk conditions" he said firmly

"Yes, and somewhere more private."

"Where would be better for you?" He asked curiously. "Slytherin dorms?" He asked with a smug look

"Ha ha..." She led him to an abandoned classroom. He followed her silently, a grin playing on his lips as he noticed Hermione's unease to being out after hours.

"Firstly, how much does it cost for your silence to helping me and sneaking around so no one sees us together?" He asked bluntly, walking towards her.

"Technically, it wouldn't cost anything extra." she replied honestly. "What subject do you need help with?"

"Im not talking technically, think of it as compensation" he suggested, not letting her move on yet

"What I meant to say," she put it more plainly "is that I wasn't going to disclose anyone's information, anyway"

He rolled his eyes. "Is 30 Galleons a session enough?" He asked, sitting on the table and having hermione stand in front of him

She stared with her eyes as wide as the Galleons. "That's more than what I was going to charge, honestly."

"What's your rate?" He asked casually, knowing it won't make much difference to what he'll pay

"5 galleons per session" she replied honestly

He couldn't help but laugh slightly. "Because of your moral and that I'm going to have you sneaking round after hours with me and lie to your little friends about where you are, ill pay 30 a night" he said softly in her ear

"D-done"

He couldn't help but smirked at her stutter. "I think you noticed how badly im doing at potions this year so that's where im going to need your skills" he said simply, still whispering in her ear. "Do you have any rules?" He asked curiously

"Where exactly are you having trouble?" She raised her head up, opening the book

"You didnt answer my question. Are you sure thats wise not to have any rules of your own?" He asked playfully. "You never know what may happen"

"I'll let you know if I think of any." She replied curtly.

He shook his head and laughed. "Right, its not that um struggling but i cant seem to get the instructions to go from book to cauldron without messing up" he admitted.

"The application is the hardest part for sure, but with lots of concentration is it possible. Additionally, understanding the principles will serve you better than just following the instructions"

He gave her a curious look, running his hand through his hair. So where do you think we should start?" He asked, suddenly feeling more unsure and vulnerable infront of her than what he was comfortable with. She leafed until she reached the current chapter. "did you have difficulty understanding this?"

He glanced down at the page and frowned slightly, reading the instructions without saying anything to her. "Granger, im struggling in practical not theory" he pointed out. "Im fine with copying a text book"

"But that's my point, you have to understand it before you can apply it!"

"What are you talking about Granger"?" he sighed, his hand running through his hair. "So getting high marks on the essay isnt the right thing to do?"

"Not if you're just memorizing facts without any comprehension? what, do you think you'll spend the rest of your life just blindly following orders without understanding wh-" she cut herself off, and dropped her gaze back the book.

He placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her face to look at him. "Finish what you were saying" he said bluntly, staring her in the eyes

"Look, we're not here to talk about what you're planning on doing after you leave school." She said equally as blunty

He rolled his eyes. "Never shy away from finishing your sentence. It annoys me far to quickly" he warned. "I'd rather you say it and tell me not to take notice instead of cutting yourself off" he said simply, still holding her chin

"And I'd rather we focused on the subject at hand." She said, moving her face back, out of his reach.

He nodded. "So what do you want me to do?" He asked, looking back at the book.

He sat there listening to her talk through everything to do with the potion. He stayed silent, trying to take in any and all details possible."Any questions?" she finally asked. He looked slightly overwhelmed and dropped his eyes to the book. "Errmm... " he started but trailed off

"Dont cut yourself off," she reminded him. "Look, if you do what we discussed, Snape should give you at least an acceptable, but if you keep practicing, it should go up to an E or maybe even an O by the end of term"

He nodded slightly, still not believing her on it. "So how does that work with the practical?"

"Because the practical is application of the theory" He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, getting a little stressed off her reply. "Same time, next week?" He gave a slight nod.