odetoaninconsideratepissbaby

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

I would like to put it out there that i have graduated from having child abuse problems to having normal theydontlikemeback relationship problems. What a relief it is is to worry about things which have such low stakes!!! If i could say one thing to the younger me who started this blog....hang in there youll make it👍

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Ive been scared of a lot of things. When i think of being a terrible person, someone id loathe to become, i think of my dad. Thats something that is, presently, terrifying to me. I think of how he hated his dad before me. I think of how when i was a little kid, we were in the car, and he would be yelling at his father through the phone, and once he hung up, he always made me swear, swear that if he ever became like him, to take a gun to his head and pull the trigger. I fucking wish i could make good on that promise more than a lot of things. He stopped making me promise when i was around 12 i think, when my stepmom told him it was creepy. They fought about that, i think. I think of being scared shitless of becoming him, and already being the same person. I think, I'll never be like my dad, im already so much better, and then i think of how the other day his childhood friend came over for dinner and my father yelled at me and his friend told him, in the kindest voice ive heard someone make such a death wish, that, if by some miracle someone had thought to tape his childhood, a single event of it even, he would be astonished at how similar to his own father he was, how he yelled the same, how he raged the same, how he said the same things so violently to his child. And my dad answered, "i am nothing like my father". I am nothing like my father. Im fucking terrified of becoming him, and i think that somehow puts me above. But then i think, of how angry i am sometimes, of how much i want someone, anyone else to feel my pain just the way i do, and how sometimes i allow myself to be cruel, willingly, consciously, because it will feel less bad. And i don't know if im that much better, actually. if i hurt people the same. if that makes me just as monstrous as he is, just as terrible as he has made me feel. terrible enough to fuck up someone like he fucked me up. and that scares me. a lot.

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Upd8 my mom just hit me that hasnt happened in a while

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

anyway other random things that have set my dad off jokingly calling him "mr accountant with little square glasses" ; angrily saying he acts like a prepubescent teen because he thinks hes the center of the universe and if anyone ever does ANYTHING it Must Be in reaction to him or a sign soneones gonna stab him in the back and also im not his goddamn therapist and also he throws temper tantrums like a five year old if his every need isnt met and also genuinely fucking hate my dad lmao dude has a complex bx his own dad was super strict &violent and also literally friends w a dictator (yall who know what i mean if i say "les années de plomb" vous êtes des vrais) so hes super "woke dad" and "look im letting you be independent arent you grateful. arent you grateful. arent you grateful." like a nightmare guilt machine BUT on the other hand hes also super violent & immature cause homeboy never fuckin grew up so yanno

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Oh i didnt update yeah basically i got diagnosed with trauma like professionally so like wlcome me into the trauma pool babeeey i get ATTACKS when people YELL AT ME so that makes it a TRIGGER but like OFFICIALLY and its not all in my HEAD and its REAL and thats such a fucking relief man. im not just pretrnding im not just being a piece of shit im sick and a doctor says so and it has an ACTUAL IMPACT ON MY BEHAVIOR SHIT DUDE IM not pretending. im not pretending im nor pretending im not pretendibg im so relieved

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

my dad cant cope with negative emotion in a healthy way. If confronted with anything remotely sad or upsetting, he will immediately start yelling and blame people for subjecting him to emotional pain. Or, if there is nothing to yell at, he gets a strong bottle and gets extremely emotional. I believe one of the main reasons he has lost most of his drinking habit is that my step mom is here to do the labor of being the punching bag now. The other day we were in the livingroom, sharing music, and i wanted to show them florence and the machine, and i figured id do that through the odyssey. Bunch of songs, a narrative, and a nice short movie that i liked. About three songs in he turned it off, started yelling and pacing and saying how dare i upset him like that, show him something so awful, and didnt i know the weekends were the only time he ever got to relax, and i went and ruined it for him by showing him something so awful, so negative. long story short i dont listen to florence anymore because it stresses me out immensly. He went off just like that, no forewarning, and straight up started yelling at me, violently. Anyway i had an attack it was just so fuckin suddeen you know how the fuck could i have predicted this. I couldnt have. He just started shouting. Anyway yeah thats Big Trigger so obvs i had an attack after he stormed off to his room. He doesnt seem to remember those outbursts in the same way that i do, if i ever try to bring it up for him he was having a rational conversation with me and i treated him unfairly at some point during it and then i overreacted. But i remember those things, i always do, and every time an adult raises their voice against me i just start hyerventilati g fuck im cryi g hold omm. Okay done im dfine now. Kind of. Anyway i walk on eggshells around him because if he exeriences a single negative emotion he yells and my therapist says that getting retraumatized on the weekly prevents me from coping or whatever so like yeah dont wanna fuck up the one thing i can actually do so.

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Anyway thats enough swimming around in traumatic memories for today gnight sorry

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Ok anyway that was wild long story short she just starts yelling and in general it goes like this ?

Me : cant do thing

Parent : asks me to do thing nicely

Me : still ?? Cant ??? Do thing ???? How the fuck do they think this works

Parent : gets frustrated

Me : still cant fucking do the thing.

Parent : starts screaming

Me : has an attack

And it always happens like this and idk am i asking too much is not yelling such a hardous fucking task apparently seems tobe not like you can control your damn voice i guess and tHEN my momll be like "yeah sorry but its your fault you didnt give me a choice you never answer to the first call how else am i supposed to get you to do things" by sacrificing my health i guess fuck

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Example : ill have to be doing like, homework, which to her is One Of My Basic Duties As A Child To Her In Exchange For Her Duties As A Parent To Me. The logic is as follows : i have to do my Duties As A Child for her to do her Parent Duties. If i dont, neither does she (or at least thats the threat). Problem being im a lazy piece of shit, or well no i just. Fuck sometimes i just cant, you know? School is stressful as shit and i hate it i hate it i hate it

Point being just fucking thinking about it makes me want to cry, let alone doing homework (which i used to do!! I promise i used to i just. It got bad okay). Of course this, being a Child Duty, gives her the Right to Not Do a parent duty. Idfk im. Anyway. Ill be in my room trying not to think about it and she has the 3 warnoing thing where she tells me to do them 3 times before she starts getting frustrated and oh fuck cant do tgis rn sorry

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

Yknow i think the worst part may be my moms always so. Nice. Weirdly. Like, i mean, shes not the best but most of the time she is Very Okay and like funny and shit. Its just. She has those behaviors, okay, which i guess are kinda just her way of being a parent. Like, so long as i do everything exactly how she wants it its good!!! Its great even!!!!! But like. That doesnt happen and then its awful bc im depressed and executionnal dysfunction is a thing that exists beyond her range of understanding i guess. And when things real bad like ill be having an attack where im crying and shaking and shit and shell just sit with me and be super sweet but. She wont actually help. Like shell try but shell do shit like bring me a glass of water even though im hyperventilating so instead id just choke on it or touch my back when touch is a huge red No and its so fuckign confusing. Bc. She will have *caused* the goddamn attack bc her yelling is p one of the only things that triggers it, and i told her this and she keeps doing it so idk man is this just like an unhealthy relationship thing or an abuse thing bc like if i come at her with a problem she'll listen before telling me she doesnt think its real and a few months later when it ends up being an issue making an effort for like two weeks to alter her behavior then going back to the way it was so thats at least something i guess but like i also had to ask for therapy for years before she let me go and by that point is that neglect ? I dont fucking know i just want answers damn

[odetoaninconsideratepissbaby]

You know what i dont think i ever talked about this to anyone so of course itd make a perfect inauguratory post but wheni was little i once accidentally stepped on my mom and she hit me, and i tried to reason in my head of why she would do that and the only logical conclusion i could come to was that it was supposed to feel good to hit other people ? So idk an hour later i just went to her room and slapped her elbow not even super hard just enough to make one of those shlp sounds and like i felt horrible not only bc she slapped me back on the face but like also bc i already felt like shit and idk ?? I just felt worse ??? And long story short no hitting people did not feel good and after my mom giving me an angry "!!!!how dare you lay a hand on me with your small 5yo fingers after ive just hit you twice for something you did accidentally!!!!!i am thy mother and thou shanst hit thy mother!!!!!!!" i was like y lol u just fuckin hit *me* and she Did Not Like That bc apparently shes this almighty being who Mustnt be Hurt but if it was me it was completely fine which tbh kinda fucked up but nbd