#people can draw whatever they want i dont get a say on it
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looked in the nature wives tag for inspo and all i got was annoyed at the lack of muscular esmp2!Katherine. it's literally canon c'mon guys sobs
#not to say it's like bad for someone to draw her not muscular on an individual level#people can draw whatever they want i dont get a say on it#i just wish it was less common for people to outright ignore canon so they can avoid drawing a pretty muscular woman#the mcyt fandom overall has a huge issue in drawing different body types#(not that im better. i only draw like. three)#(that being chubby muscular as fuck and underweight twig)#i think we tend to fall into a common thing of just going with whatever everyone else is doing#it's human nature to try to fall in line with the group to fit in#but that doesn't mean it's bad to come up with your own ideas#for example. my partner skrimbled makes esmp2!Jimmy a cow hybrid. you dont see that often!#or the cordycep-stuff i give Pearl#i guess i just wish the fandom was as creatively diverse as it pretends to be#no art just talk
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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A lil guy !
#honkai star rail#dan heng#genuinely have a million things i wanna draw and then zero energy#so dan heng in a hoodie#now i gotta go get dinner sooooo maybe that will give energy and then i can draw more of what i actually wanna draw#but i kinda spent like ... hours ? talking to my mom earlier today#since shes been in the hospital for many many days#so i was catching her up on whats been goin on and showed her silly lil videos#and telling her how hyped i was for summer hrid and she (very patient with my fe talk)#was like you always tell me about banners being bad so it must have made you REALLY happy to say the whole banner is good#and im like yeah and i had multiple people on multiple sites like hey salmon/moeblob did ya see the banner#and she was like thats so cool that people acknowledge who you like and im like yeah it is p cool#and then i told her how mad i was at the absolutely criminal act of limiting how you can watch clue (1985 hit movie)#like i told her yeah sure i own it twice on dvd and once on itunes and that the only way to watch those#are either desktop or ps2 and how i dont have access to my itunes email#and i dont have it on my laptop so i sadly would have to rebuy the movie on itunes under a new acct#then i said how i loved that it was free to watch with ads on yt and id watched it twice that way#but then recently wanted to watch it on there but laptop and hoo boy you have to buy or rent it now#so i v angrily was like fine whatever ill do the thing and leave my room and go watch it on my moms tv#while she isnt around and use her amazon prime where it should be included except ! IT WASNT!#YOU HAVE TO HAVE PRIME TO BUY OR RENT IT NOW TOO!#HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS AND WHY ! who in the world is watching this movie so much that isnt me that they have to charge for it now#on all platforms unless you straight up pirate it#and hey why would i of all people be needing to pirate a movie i own physically two times and digitally once#this is literally a personalized attack to me#and my mom was like i understand how you feel cause yeah thats really weird to do to a 1985 movie#and im like yes exactly i have morals and principles that make me opposed to this and its v maddening#and she said she understood and its ok next time we are having power issues and i have to shut down#that if i really wanna watch it i can rent it on her amazon account and i looked at her and shes like oh you feel v strongly about this#and i do! I HAVE HAD IT GIFTED TO ME TWICE ! I BOUGHT IT ONCE! WHY DO I HAVE TO RENT IT FOR MORE MONEY!
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creatures
#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#emu otori#nene kusanagi#tsukasa tenma#queuing this for like 6 in the morning dont let me fool you into thinking i woke up this early#im sorry posting at like 7pm feels so wrong. people are up at 7pm. dont like that#'why didnt you draw rui' Well why is rui so hard to draw. Anybody ever think of that.#I still havent finished that wxs nene gaming art i used as an example in my comms sheetbc i dont wanna have to render rui#Yes wxs are all my favorites. Yes that includes rui. Yes im tiering 3k in his event rn. No i wont figure out his hair#get that glowstick of a woman out of my face. He needs to het an alt hairstyle i cna draw.#sorry what was i tagging again. um. Whatever aHiiiii#WAIT#emukasa#YAAAAY#im a polyshower but theyre the only ones i drew together so enjoy yuri#i found a cute blog theme that also hides tags under a hover so i can say as much as i want and nobody can be annoyed#If you choose to look at my dastardly tags after i hid them away thats on you
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I know this probably wasn't intended badly or as a critique but
Do not comment on the way i draw Ghoul's bodies.
They're my personal headcanons and I don't care if you don't think a swimmer and touring musician would have a muscular build.
You don't like it? Draw them yourself.
I have designed these ghouls with my own personal headcanons and considerations of their back stories and real life inspirations.
I do not want to see tags in my art saying "he's too soft :(" "they're so buff :(" "why is she hour glass shaped?"
Especially when it's someone like cumulus who i have drawn several times before out of uniform and she is clearly not naturally "hour glass shaped" but ffs SHAPE WEAR EXISTS, especially if it's a uniform you wear to perform?!! She's gonna wanna have back and bust support!!! I have publicly headcanoned that ghouls wear corsetry for support!! I'm not just drawing her skinnier i am just considering other fucking variables!!!
Why are rain, swiss and mountain more physically built??? Because rain is a swimmer and i have used references of Olympic medalist swimmers to use as reference for how i wanted to draw him as well as looked at surfer body types, most of which were skinnier but toned!!! So that's why?? Mountain bc he's in the fucking garden doing sowing and planting work and playing the fucking drums, that's some fucking heavy ass equipment he's helping the band move and he does it seamlessly!!! Swiss also??? He's a multi, he's tall too, he's gotta be strong to help with everything they need, plus you think that he's gonna be bending ghouls over if he were so skinny??? Probably not!!
Another petty one. Consider more variables?? Aka working out releases lactic acid, and the surge of fluids causes your muscle cells to swell up, especially if you're drinking something like a protein drink without a carb/fat filled breakfast.
Do you think a DEMONIC HUMANOID CREATURE, that wakes up at dawn to have a protein shake AND GO SWIMMING AND SURFING is not??? Gonna look??? Buff????
Like??? Sorry if this rant sounds petty but I'm genuinely tired of dealing with people commenting on my own personal original designs.
I have never claimed to be drawing the people on stage. I am drawing MY OWN CHARACTERS, based on the real thing.
Don't just comment on people's characters or art if it's not something they can fix within 3 strokes of their pen.
#raven rants#i am just tired#i thought we were over this Tumblr#if you dont like how i draw my ghouls then just don't reblog??#and if you are curious as to why i draw them like that?? JUST ASK!!#I usually try to be the nicest i can be to people who are respectful and nice to me#if you shoot me a quick dm saying “hey! i saw this post i was wondering why he's so buff!”#I'll just reply!!! “thank you! i draw hom like that because xyz”#i hate having to make callout posts like these even if they're general but IT BOTHERS ME#to see comments like that in my art!!! bc ??? its my art??? i get to draw WHATEVER I WANT!!!#and i don't owe ANYONE AN EXPLANATION
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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thinking abt the touden siblings got me sniffling and weeping....
#im.too emotional abt them to properly explain#just rly glad to see autistic characters in media that i can deeply relate to and share experiences with. its such a rare thing#and i feel so protective of them i dont give a fuck abt fandom normally but some ppls bad takes lately are getting under my skin#like just say u hate autistic people and leave. stop calling laios a fucking freak im going to kill you with my bare hands#ppl think theyre so smart and funny for making posts like haha hes thr type of autistic that makes everyone uncomfortable and wish he-#would shut up or go away. im going to start hitting u with a brick until ur a bloody pulp#and thw way ppl treat falin so differently just bc shes not a guy. even tho theyre both clearly autistic and struggle socially#like wow thats crazy. do you act this way abt autistic ppl irl too#whatever just liberally blocking ppl abt it i dont fucking wanna see ur stupid posts#anyway.. back to thjnking abt their backstories and crying a little. masculinely of course#man i am soooo tired im so glad its the weekend i want to melt into a puddle and soak into the carpet and stain it forever#but we dont.have carpet.in this flat so.i guess ill just go to bed......#well maybe a little elden ring first#i would reallt like to draw sometime this weekend too. need to muster up some creative courage#but thats a problem for tomorrow... zzz#.diaries
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Any chance of making a personal/reblog blog for the spam, or at least tagging said spam? I kinda followed specifically for your zelda posts tbh 눈_눈
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#okay i dont wanna be super mean but ive thought of this before and i really dont want a septate account#i dont spam enough on this account to do that if anything#im really upset that when i have any kind of fun on this account i get people saying i sound like a spam bot i sound weird#yyes i post my comic here but thats because this is my account#i dont want to seperste my stuff at this point because i hate the feeling of being a#im sorry if this is blunt i go delete everything i guess but to be blunt with all of you i dont like this kind of stuff#thats just me personally. i know other people seperate for organization but i eanna feel like im on early tumblr or devientart again where#i can do whatever and jyst have fun#if i ever spam or sowmthing again and i get these comments im sorry but im straight up blocking its blunt but this account is for me#delete later#sorry a tag deleted i dont like feeling like a#im very thankful for everyone that has come around for the silly drawings i make#i truly am#but i dont want to be treated or feel like a content creator
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my sister spent a lot of this summer insisting that the regs are tighter and the racing is closer and that red bull really did suffer the consequences of their cheating but this looks like another "regs decide the dominant era" rut f1 has wedged themselves into. this time featuring a bowl of angry uncooked oatmeal slop they dropped into the seat of the car 3rd time in a row
#f1 rly is just domination era after domination era with a season or two of maybe two teammates battling for a trophy#two teams if you're lucky#we just kinda put up with it because previously the people had a kinda charm or personality or hobbies or an existence outside of#.... whatever poor excuse of a ''racing'' series f1 is#they want the competition of homologated series where there arent really midfields and the winner truly can be switched up most every race#but they cant do that because non-homologation is what draws in the teams. so the only option is closing the budget gap#and thats not fucking working not to imply the fia is good at making decisions or rulings that work in the first place#just kinda sad innit. theyre fast cars. they just dont get the chance to race one another.#my sister is a HUGE fan of the oatmeal and she went to bed 20 laps in#that is saying something abt the series#hell i used to go to bed circa 2020 when it was clear lew was ahead cos god love him i wasnt interested#in staying up at 1-6am to watch not-racing happen#all this to say im so glad i branched out to other series and i encourage others to as well#this is the perfect time
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idk why ppl think you wanting a different body, or in this case specifically, weight, somehow has something to do with them or you judging them? like i've worked through the fatphobia i grew up with and was used against me, idgaf what other people do and im also not repelled by or somehow grossed out by fat people given i tend to date fat people (not seeking them out, it just happens)-- if this is the case, how can you say that im somehow demanding you change in someway because I want to change myself? maybe stop seeing other people as extensions of you and this wouldnt be an issue..?
#unfortunately im never going to be satisfied with my body being a certain level of chubby. i can accept it but it wont satisfy me.#i'll always be longing for something else as much as i try to ignore it or deny it or whatever#trust me. i've tried. i've even fallen in love with my body type its... just.... not *me*#which is why i often draw it on my other non-self insert ocs bc i still love my body type its just. not me. thats just not me man idk🤷#an entirely different person as far as im concerned. when i look like that i look like a stranger to myself.#also like. idk why me still deciding i want to look different in spite of working through the fatphobia means i 'didnt actually work throug#it'. like im sorry babe but my dysphoria is heavily linked to my weight given my body fat loves to distribute in *ways* i dont like.#ive literally TRIED to be fine with it but i cant. im sorry. idk what to tell you. theres nothing that can be done. sue me.#me wanting to look different bc of the way my body fat distributes isnt me saying 'you have to look a certain way to pass'#its me going 'i will never feel like myself so long as im shaped like this'#it quite frankly has nothing to do with you so stop inserting yourself into my situation#if anything it seems like my desire to change my weight is more or less a trigger for you and thats not reason enough to try to change#my behavior. simply walk away. look somewhere else. dont interact with me if you cant handle that. i get it but like. its not#gonna change over here bud#some people you're not meant to always get along with and be friends with and thats okay. doesnt mean we try to come up with#'moral' reasons to justify our dislike.#bc to me you're doing nothing different from trans people who shame you for wanting to look more cis. thats always going to be the#case for me. im ALWAYS going to wish i was born a cis guy.
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i was not prepared for the way you have to think about everything ever before making a webcomic
#currently thinking about#what color scheme i want to draw vs what would be appropriate for the character vs what would fit the mood of the scene#about . what a characters apartment looks like#hell on earth forever#do you know how many rabbit holes ive gone down jst trying to write this thing#yesterday i had to do research on autopsy reports Someone get me out of here#GRINS I LOVE WRITING AND CREATING AND ART SHAKES THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE#like it doesnt have to require this much thought i can just. make it and see whre it takes me#but if i dont know every single detail of everything i will go insane#also procrastinating because of a mix of i dont feel like writing and Im scared to start posting it once im done#since ive been working on this like universe or whatever for 2 Years so . PENSIVE EMOJI#i forgot how horrifying sharing your art is#to random people online#anyways back to the writing trenches for me my final message gootbye#my post 🔮#laurence says things 🌌
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adrien never went to public school / adrienette have never met AU where Ladynoir are dating but Marinette has beef with Adrien Agreste™ on twitter, spurred by her interest in the fashion industry and her friendship with Mylene. ads are all over the place of Adrien promoting products like air in a bottle and NFTs and just generally so many products that are extremely poor taste/bad for the environment. Marinette tweets about beauty standards in the industry and all the shit Gabriel brand does to the environment and how Adrien Agreste perfectly encapsulates it all.
Adrien, of course, never responds to any of her tweets. her tweets are just white noise in the background. she is nowhere near on his level. one day Marinette tweets out something akin to "if I saw Adrien Agreste irl i'd punch him in the face" and her twitter gets banned for Threats of Violence, Alya draws attention to the injustice of it via the Ladyblog and suddenly "I want to punch Adrien Agreste in the face [gets banned]" becomes a bit of a meme. NOW people know who Marinette is and are listening to what she's saying (on her new account or whatever). Chat Noir also tweets that he wants to punch Adrien in the face
A hashtag trends. Marinette caves and starts tweeting about the scandals of the industry on her Ladybug twitter too. Adrien's twitter and instagram comments are flooded with both threats to punch him but also just generally critical comments like "nice pic and all but are you not going to address the sweatshop allegations?". Adrien still does not address it. At most he turns comments off. Marinette is gnawing at the wood of her desk.
Then a Ladybug and Chat Noir identity reveal happens.
Marinette is stunned. Absolutely mouth agape. Cannot form words. Chat Noi— NO, ADRIEN— ADRIEN FUCKING AGRESTE looks at her and is like "oh ha :) .... Marinette Dupain-Cheng, right? You're the girl who wanted to punch me hahaha"
after recovering from her world being shattered, she's like...... "hahaha...... um............... yeah...... uh..... so you... DO know who i am. and you're just. ignoring it then. hahaha... ok... thats....... fine..... anyway..... u-uh...... im not... gonna actually punch you. but. um. k-kitty do you um. maybe want to stop promoting deforestation and all that"
he's like "I don't"
she's like. "yes you do. literally in your newest ad you said to the camera 'who needs trees when bottled air is the way of the future'. like did you really read that line out loud and not see a problem with it"
"yeah, that wasn't me"
"what are you talking abou—"
"it's deepfaked"
"..... what"
"all of my ads in the past few years are deepfakes. I complained too much so my father fired me. turns out that i signed away all rights to my face and voice to him when I was 13 or something. he can just use my face and voice and name however he wants. he generates ads. i dont even have access to the 'Adrien Agreste' twitter or insta accounts. sometimes he makes me do runways but beyond that I'm not involved in all."
"... ... ... ... ... what"
"yeah haha... :") im sorry. i wish i could help you more. but he never listens to me. i don't like it either, i.... i've asked him to stop sooo many times. but he never listens to me. i hate seeing my face used without my consent but haha.... i don't... have any rights here so. sorry. i really wish i could help more"
and now marinette hates "Adrien Agreste"™ ads/posts EVEN MORE and is threatening to kill Gabriel Agreste himself. all while kissing the real adrien agreste silly
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finally someone who agrees with me
no actually i think the best way to genderbend is to draw them looking exactly the same as in canon but they're using different pronouns
#sorry not sorry but the genderbends are getting really annoying#theyd be less annoying if people would FUCKING TAG IT PROPERLY#i keep wanting to do this thing were i draw klance completely unchanged from how i usually draw them and say its my take on fem klance#the only difference is that theyd call themselves women. dont even need different pronouns bc who cares#just to spite ppl#bioessentialism/gender essentialism is a fucking curse and tagging your genderbends as anything but is not inherently more progressive#it doesnt make me want to engage with it any more than something tagged as genderbend just bc you used progressive language#you can call it 'fem whatever' or 'masc whatever' and still perpetuate that weird shit#i wouldnt be nearly so angry about this if i didnt have to block every single possible iteration of the phrase 'feminine klance'#anyway. sorry for ranting in the tags but i think it needed to be said#good takes
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How do you make interesting male character designs, male fashion is so fucking boring and bad, and you seem to have a good sense of fashion, please help im suffering
two important tools you must remember:
1) there is no such thing as 'mens clothing' and 'women's clothing' theres just clothing and if you see something a lady is wearing and it looks good you dont have to say 'aww but a guy can't where that' yuuuup buddy you can. draw whatever and wear whatever you want forever. my wardrobe is completely mixed in terms of 'men's' and 'women's' clothing bc it's just MY clothing not anyone else's
2) pinterest
almost went on this entire rant about 'women's fashion is more expansive in part due to misogynistic double standards of appearance and men's fashion is only bad/boring because of years of being funneled through capitalism patriachal expectations of power homo/transphobia and racism' but if i do that people will start throwing rocks at me with the intention to kill and if i write multiple paragraphs of reflection on the false gender divide within fashion and the patriarchy and someone only reads 2 sentences to get mad at ill start blowing things up gotham city style
anyway these are the secrets to good mens fashion there is no brand that will save you there is no purchase that will save you utilmately you must study what you like blind to gender and then mix and match what you believe looks good. because i cannot just tell anyone 'this is fashionable' it is about going and finding what you specifically feel reflects yourself (or a character in this instance)
#long post#o yah also like look at what men in other countries wear#diff cultural expectations of masculinity have lent themselves to diff developments of style#mailbox
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it's kind of a fun move to make my very very personal blog also the one I post my drawings on
ive purposefully done it to not create that kind of environment where it's just an account posting art, a one-dimensional abstract thing that's so detached that if I were to post something like 'teehee I tried to off myself so I'm opening comms to pay the bills' it'd be met with utmost surprise bc it'd break the illusion yknow?
but sometimes I do want some drawings to not have context. to be as impersonal as a vintage figure whose sculptor has never been fully known or a golden locket with the picture of someone who you don't know anything about
I want both, to be honest. it's always been a struggle of the need of external validation but also to not want to taint everything with myself
I want to draw a pet portrait for someone and not have it be judged with all the ramblings and half-jokes about how everything sucks every now and then.
I want to draw a guy being mechanically separated for no reason and not have it show up besides someone's pet portrait and having to explain to the average person I don't even know why I like gore so much besides rendering it is fun
it's all like a cycle of making it clear who is behind the art for context but also sometimes wanting everything to speak for itself and wanting a sort of pure reaction to it
and it culminates into that overly familiar feeling.. of wanting to be consistent. to have a feel, a look that you can maybe hope someone will identify as yours.. and the question is always the same - for what? why? why does it matter?
if anything the first thing I'd ever say to someone who remotely showed interest in art and wanted to know my side of it is that nothing matters and everything is subjective and that there will always be people who see too much meaning where there isn't and people who miss the point entirely. and that diversity is just as good as quality and not a binary switch that you have to pick for the rest of your life. and that often by trying to achieve perfection you just end up dumping what gave your art a personal touch because it wasn't absolutely on par with the version of you that you so desperately want people to identify you with or the vibe you want to give off or whatever else
it's kind of a problem that also has different connotations depending on the way wherever you post works, too
on devart and I think insta too favorites and likes are the easiest way to show a kind of support that happens to streamline everything into images on a page instead of actually taking in most detail, the title or description or lack thereof, maybe even a message or line or music lyric intended to aid in the perception.. that ends up getting completely ignored because it takes extra effort to do. and it gets exponentially worse the more people you follow
then, well.. tumblr. because of the way the posts are organized and at least show captions it has a bit of a leg up, but then the sideblog stuff comes up. posts 95% of the time only give traction to the account that posted it, so a sideblog where you reblog your art is pretty much just a gallery for the convenience of whoever follows them. if you post on that sideblog however, then that facilitates no one visiting your main and just looking at the drawings, leading to the art-artist detachment as it is also plenty of extra steps and effort
then, independently, the path you choose is hard to undo. choose to be unknown and be bound to the façade you have to keep and not break your persona, or put all bits of yourself out to the public and there will forever be an image/ background version of you that will contextualize everything you do
try to turn around and choose to hide and it will put people off and affect how some will look at your new stuff now that you're less of a social butterfly because of the instinct of curiosity and wanting to know what happened , choose to show yourself and now you're too real and people don't want to associate with you because of the things you express or how it hits different knowing x and y or just not caring about you enough to be bothered to keep up with your life with sporadic drawings inbetween
it's all ironically about your own self-image and knowing others who know you
oh and it just hit me the financial side of things too. but that's too much for me rn and it's sort of a bonus to my point anyways
idk man. I feel like I'm having a stroke while an influencer tries to explain branding to me
#the public vs hidden thing is also like trying to balance the evils#do you want to enable being made fun of by quirky neurotypicals and edgelords bc of ur 'archetype'#or do you want to enable everyone to put any meaning to your art including dogshit ones and treat it like a commodity#public enough to have your name or style used pejoratively to describe other people#or hidden enough to blend in and represent nothing and say nothing. just like a blank piece of paper#these two sort of types are everywhere and there just doesnt seem to be a grey area. its just.... awkward.#ah yes look at my painting and tell me what you think of it! dont take me into consideration at all though. pretend this came out of thin>#>air bc thats how i want it to be perceived. bc of course we all know thats a thing that can be controlled by sheer will right? lol#i want to draw whatever. i want to stop giving a shit. not care of what people think its all about. but i want to be seen as well. ..#and its frustrating bc i find it immeasurably valuable to find meaning in the mundane#to find the whimsy and care on someone's 'bad' stickman cat doodle even tough sketches dont mean barely anything to the artist#and then i get sad when someone below my skill level finds My sketches good despite me posting them as a 'look at how bad this looks lol'#just. being desperate for wanting everything to go your way#like a filmmaker who swears the theater is an integral part of their movie when in reality a guy watching at home cherishes it just as much#i think id turn inside out of disgust if i ever truly legitimally considered all the 'wrong' ways people can experience my art#compressed to hell or they just didnt bother to zoom in and didnt notice the brushstrokes and effects#which is totally normal and common and i myself do it! but my ego says nuh uh. go feel bad bc other ppl have agency lol#i can definitely pretend i dont care anymore and even try to believe it so much i unconsciously start assimilating it#but the Moment someone comments something that contradicts what i thought and wished was happening i just. break .#im truly trying to stave off negative thoughts and teaching myself that what others think of me doesnt define me#and one day im overhearing something i wasnt meant to know and its that someone thinks im a child#and ends up treating me like one. like im too stupid to do anything#and then i look back at my eyestrain/cartoonish stuff thats in fact considered childish by people who try to use age as>#a token of 'i dont enjoy X because X is for kids because/therefore im an AdulT! respect me!'#and i just have to face the reality that thats the image of me my art gives off by itself and what society chose it to symbolize as well#which it all leads to wanting so deeply a way to control how others view you because of how age gate-keeping for example is so stupid#and it bleeds into every other feeling and paranoia and self doubt#either you act cool and lie about who you are or let others label you what they see fit especially what they consider to be deserving of>#>ridicule#dextxt
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i want to get aoi's cut so bad..... like. i really want it but im afraid of people/family members asking me if im a guy bc of my short hair.
#crows talks#i know my parents might not give a shit#bc they let my sister have an undercut but anything can happen#my sister had a excuse (it was super hot when she got the cut) but me?#i have no excuse#if i say i like it they might start asking me if i want to be a guy and i dont want to think abt that rn#im already stressed abt me going to school soon and probably be the dumbest kid the school will ever see#i dont want to deal with bullying and people asking me if im a guy#i dont want to deal with that shit#i want to have a cut like aoi#but i cant.#im alright w my hair rn#it's pretty short but i want to have aoi's cut#it looks sooooo good#i really want to look like aoi tbh#she just looks so cool w her outfit choices and stuff#like. she's the reason i really want to wear button ups and stuff#but UGHHHHH u get the point.#so the way im coping w this is by drawing aoi w outfits i want to wear#i think its doing the opposite but eh whatever#i get to practice full bodies!
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