#pennedthoughts

[musings-of-a-20-something]

the ride home

my mom is supposed to pick me up at the airport, its only been a few days but it'll be good to see him. i'm sure that's what she's thinking. i'm thinking about what i am gonna tell her. about my trip. what happened. about her.

i load my things into the trunk and climb into the passenger seat. "we've missed you" she says in a way that only a mother can. "how was your trip? we've got a long drive home, i want to hear everything about it."

i've never been close with my parents, but i know that there are some things that you have to tell your parents. a girl is one of those things. "i didn't actually go to see friends, mom" I pause, and she looks at me with eyes full of questions she knows i will answer.

my mind races. what do i say? how can i communicate what happened? how can i communicate her?

i start from the beginning.

"don't be mad, but there's this girl. i've known her for years" i say, "since my 18th birthday, basically. we met online and have been close. i think she knows me better than i know myself." my face burns red. my mom has known of one girl before this. my first and last girlfriend. i decide to push on, "she's one of those girls that if you see her in public you wonder what you did to deserve it, ykno? even just her name would tell you everything you need to know about her."

"well, I know you have a type." she laughs, and so do I. "so does she fit it?"

i think to myself, my type? but before I can compose my thoughts they start spilling out of my mouth like the eruption we saw at yellowstone when I was six. "she's beautiful mom." i don't stutter. "she has eyes like you would never believe. like crystal's ball made of the purest sapphire." i say, not telling her they remind me of a crystal ball because i can see a future in them. "their like the sunrise. when she looks at me, i mean she looks at me and its like my life starts." im staring at my hands. "and her smile is like something of another world. no words even come close and if they could it could only be in a language only she spoke." i don't even realize what i've said. "and she's kind mom. like i didn't know existed."

"she's kind like the mother to my children should be. kind like a saturday morning on the porch drinking coffee that i've grown to love over 60 years of life." i don't even drink coffee. at least not yet. "and smart. not smart in the way that i am, but smart in the way that i need. a smart about life, about what matters." i'm hardly even thinking about what i'm saying. every thought i had of her is bursting out of me like an overpacked suitcase from a two night trip. every minute detail fumbles out of my brain. i'm reminded of being four and putting every topping on an ice cream sundae. you don't know how to make a sundae, what to do to make it taste good, so you throw everything at it and hope with every ounce of childish innocence that it will turn out as it should.

we've been parked in the driveway for what feels like an eternity but is barely ten minutes. the car continues to run and my mouth is dry from talking more than i ever thought I would, but it is also sweet from talking about her. i hadn't looked at my mom since i started talking about her. i was a bit embarrassed, i think. a bit scared too. the car is silent.

the silence was broken by the sound of an airplane overhead. i opened my eyes and sat up from the bench i had been laying on, just in time to see mom's car pull into arrivals pickup. i load my things into the trunk and climb into the passenger seat. "we've missed you" she says in a way that only a mother can. "how was your trip? we've got a long drive home, i want to hear everything about it."

"it was good mom,"

"real good." -

[travelwithmestranger]

#lettersfromastranger #tornpages #travelwithmestranger #travelersnotebook #notebooktherapy #scribbledthoughts #truewordsspoken #lovediary #typewritersvoice #thesincerestoryteller #pennedthoughts #littleletterslinked #loveletterstostrangers #loveletters #frommetoyou #motivationaltalks #wordstoremember #happyending #pennedthoughts #funnyposts #mentalhealthblogger #writersandpoets #featurepage #takecareofyourself (at 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬) https://www.instagram.com/p/CpQtgB_hU0B/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ljthepoet]

🗣 Same ol' Same ol' 💜 Add me to your favorites 💜 Turn on post notifications #spilledink #wordsmith #poetryaccount #poetsonig #wordporn #reelpoet #pennedthoughts #poeticsighs #poets #poems #poetryisnotdead #poetrycommunity #creativewriting #writers #emotions #poetrygram #poetryaccount #blackpoet #poetscafe #poetsonig #ljthepoet #lovepoetry #apoeticview #poetrylover #poetscorner #writers_den_ #writers_around #amwriting (at Montreal, Quebec) https://www.instagram.com/p/Coj8x-kuRvG/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[vangoghingdavinci]

so much. so much tears again. there really is a kind of loneliness that makes me want to reach out.... why these tears? why this pain? how long will this last? and i think of the love shack... of Pi... i remember telling you while we were at our happiest... please don't let me go, please never let me go no matter what happens. but you did, as if i was never part of us. you did. because i was never part of us. because there was no us. i was an illussion that you thought can easily disappear when you want to. i rememeber going to the love shack after the end... i remember going there telling you how painful it is to lose you, how diffiult it is to have no one to talk to. i remember my anger, my fear, my pain... i remember hoping to find your footprints... i kept coming back. i had to shut myself out from the loveshack because i find myself dying in pain after pain as memories after memories came rushing back... i had to survive... i have to survive. and i went back again to the lovehsack... and there were no footprints of you... the love shack you said you'll keep ...doesn't matter to you... it only matters to me... then i had to let go of pi... you said you still listen to pi... but what's the pi for? what is it for after the end? then crystal... and i went to the love shack again... hoping to see your footprints... maybe just maybe you'll leave a note... crystal ... and i had to erase us ... because there was no you... i felt like burning it all... everything... everything about us... except your poetry, your story of us... maybe you'll need that... and i shut myself out forever... you can recover everything in the love shack... if you feel it matters... everything is just there... but it has to matter for you to recover it... i lost us... and i find it difficult to find myself again after you. it's not the length of time or the space... it is my soul... it needs you... it always has... even before you... it needed you... how do you give up a need? after you found it? how do you simply go on without the need?... my heart is broken... my soul is lost... and it's just these... tears

#mgastoryanialitaptap #bnw #bnwphoto #words #thoughts #loneliness #pennedthoughts #flowers #bnwflowers #photography

[paradoxical-plutonian]

They villainize us because we are wary to trust, but our wariness is rooted in truth. They live in a land of make-believe; we are eternally rooted to the painful realities of life.

journal entry, 4/1/21 

[ichor-on-paper]

Driving down the road, you see the small shop where you once had ice cream with that peculiar taste, you remember the innocence and glee you had when you were a kid. You reminisce about those memories as the shop becomes a glimmer behind you.

Maybe, life isn't so bad after all.

[horizonofdawn]

Why “Insecurities”?

What I suppose to be I think is not the same it reflects in the view.

No one born here as unicorns all is the same and go the same. then why in the middle there are so many fusses in living? 

Why do I care much, what might others think of me; when no one is going to give a damn thought about who I am? Unacceptable reality.

I treat people just the same the way I get treated, though I know how disrespect hurts. I treat shamefully.

Most of the time maybe every time I just giving and wanting much attention to (for) me. Less thought in another way around, selfish bound.

Yet I am going to die someday unsatisfied. Still yearning illusionary perfection in me to induce other’s insecurity.  Cruel....tearing down each other

I am totally unhappy and foolish enough to adjust to it. they said it is the default living, Some got lucky... purposely blind. Some got brave.... to shut the insecure giant. 

Who made those rules? I-myself- blame it on me.

Why can’t I live the way just as me? In simple word RAW. though too late, The training is already taken in the same old trended path........wasted much to gain such...... I build this path.

Sometimes I am too scared to stand for myself because I think it’s too UP for myself. My eyes scale others. Is that possible, How you look? Eliminate worth living!  Paraphrased the meaning.......justification confectioning

The way I am,

nags me to death…...am I expecting much from me! because I assume spectators will measure me? want to be something, not knowing what it will be....pathetic fore vision graving for some direction..... who is living the present?

I love to be different, yet the same old trained soul hardly sips the drink, according to mine soul it is forbidden. Odd to be true you mixed with the stereotypical pollution. Change in me is polluted because the root in me is poison.

What you expect low pressure outside and high pressure inside it is a constant storm. Nah you can’t get time to breathe while it’s throwing you to an unknown distance with all its drowsy arms. We taught to curse the storm but not to enjoy the ride.

Somewhere in the loop my tiny heartaches, not knowing why it aches………maybe because it too scared to be not ok. Hope it expects, the ignorant mind doesn’t know how to hold the threat of faith. nobody knows it's ok to be not ok. Circling inside the loop.

Honestly, the world will hate rawness, but how long   can live with this fake whole-ness. So …freeze living! raw in me blurred under expectations.

I am raw – broken -simple- imperfect-ignorant- -------it goes on. Why does this world expect anything from me? Untold lie, unrevealed truth. (Its all assumption)

I accept myself I don’t want you to. My painted heart sneered and said…real you died long ago..........murdered

senseless all real, how secure it be insecurities.

no frames, already an image of God himself…...insecurities to those who believe in evolution; surely not an inheritance to any.

born raw, gonna die raw -between why makeup.

Wake up !

[pennedbyvaishdas]

I keep on checking my mobile,

Looking for your virtual presence in my life.

The movie behind my eyes

shows you walking towards me.

Even if the sky swallows the light,

it never fails to leave behind for me,

Your memories, treasured in the deeper pits,

dug under the crimson flesh,

at the tips of the ticks,

between the dancing hands of the clock.

-vaishdas

[dikshaprashar]

💜💜 Follow for more Share/like/comment #poetry #poem #pietrycommunityofinstagram #poetry_addicts #penandpaper #penandpendulum #pennedthoughts #portryofinstagram #poetryisnotdead #instapoetry #indianpoetry #indianpoethub #wordpressblogger #world #eveartprompt #evespoetrygroup #socialpoetrynetwork #socialpoetryhouse #globalpoetcult #globalagepoetry #bleedheartpoetry #writingcommunity #writingskills #spilledwords #spilledink (at Chandigarh, India) https://www.instagram.com/p/CDDmx4ElN2G/?igshid=k1m69454d13n

[mesmerisedbythesements]

You see, I had it all planned out. I have designed my life out, a long time ago. Yet, I don't have concrete ideas about who I am now, whom I should become, what I am capable of. Which path I can choose to minimize the distance between these versions of me, I'm chasing. You see, I don't actually know anything at all. How to say the right things at the right time, when to shut up or talk longer about nothing passionately, whom to believe freely and let inside without the fear of abandonment, when can I finally get a break from adulthood and dance in the rain. The space is getting smaller each day, and the boundaries are messy. You see, I have this incredible talent to overthink each step I take, before screwing things up completely and then pretend like I don't exist anymore. Later, I go back to the front door, hoping I won't be greeted by the haunted house, like I won't have to pay the price for putting my faith in the wrong people. But every time I walk in, I realize it didn't work out. It never works out the way I hope. They made another permanent damage before leaving, and the house stinks of all the miscalculations. You see, then, I sit back on the floor, locking each door, drawing the curtains, counting the stupid decisions I made so far in the middle of the night. In the following days, I pull out the saddest mixtape out of my phone, till the lyrics plants its roots deep inside, asking me to get the crown back - that I have the rest of my life to figure the rest out. You see, sometimes, when I sit by the window at 02:34 am in the morning with a cup of coffee, I wonder, Do they remember me at all? Do they replay the times we spent together sometimes, anytime? What have they learnt from the traitorous time? If I dare to knock, will they invite me in? . . . . #musing #musings #mywriting #pennedthoughts #mywords #ｔｈｏｕｇｈｔｓ #onmymind #lostlove #blogging #indianblogger #indianbloggers #indianbloggercommunity #newpost #lovehurts #thisisme #mythoughts #theonethatgotaway #myphotography #booksandflowers #daylight #sadquotespage #sadedit #mylife #heartbroken #mymindandme #sadgirl #traitor #someoneyouloved (at India : South Asia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CVDckx7B8Vz/?utm_medium=tumblr

[hallofsidney]

Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid... - - - - - #hallofsidney #sidneyhallpoetry #sidneyhall #ptsdpoetry #ptsdquotes #myhealingjourney #asafeplaceinsideyourhead #itsokaytonotbeokayedit #selfcarepoetry #yourstoryisntoveryet #untoldstory #poetryforthesoul #poetryinmotion #survivingnarcissism #iwritetobreathe #iwritemystory #iwritepoetry #reflectingonlife #thecompletequotes #pennedthoughts #thoughtprovoker #deepfeels #deepthinkers #writersmind #poetrypage #poetryisnotdead #poetsdaily #poetslife https://www.instagram.com/p/CPV_KnflWIi/?utm_medium=tumblr

[travelwithmestranger]

I don't claim to make you happier or wiser. But definitely promise that while you stay here, you can be you. Be you- when you comment, when you reply in the polls, when you DM to share your troubles or triumphs and at all times. This space is not a race to look good or oblige eachother through comments and likes. This is just a virtual diary shared between two strangers. You and Me. Until time allows it to exist :) आपकी (Yours) Stranger @travelwithmestranger . . . . . #travelwithmestranger #blogpost #hearttoheart #travelersnotebook #beyou #newpost #textgram #instadiary #todaysthought #thoughtshake #pennedthoughts #feelingsquotes #tumblrpost #thesincerestoryteller #fromstreetswithlove #mentalhealthblogger #strangerthings #blogfeed #readitagain #readingcommunity #writers #bloggergirl #myblog #journalspread #journaling #journalwriting #writinginspiration #healingwords #inspiringwords (at India) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnPGIopJ-Ab/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[marielle-poetry]

Housewarming gift of a lovely tea set. Winter memories, so hard to forget. Tea was warm, but now it’s cold. Our youth flew by, and now we’re old. Flashing memories of the home we shared, and all we've built, when we had cared. Whenever I make a fresh pot of tea, I am haunted by what we had, and what we’ll never be. - Marielle C.M. International Tea Day (December 15). Photo Credit: Found on Pixabay, User - StockSnap https://bit.ly/3gLsVF8

[vangoghingdavinci]

it hurts so much

to still need you

this much

#mgastoryanialitaptap #words #pennedthoughts #thoughts #bnw #bnwphotos #picture #flowers #bnwflowers

[paradoxical-plutonian]

I used to think happiness was vacuous and empty, like dancing in a cloud of blissful ignorance and letting your cognitive capacity soar away, high into the sky. But maybe it isn’t. Maybe moments of happiness would ground me to the present moment and allow me to experience the world in a way that makes anything and everything seem possible.

journal entry, 6/24/19

[yogashreeeeee]

𝒲𝒾𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝓌𝑒’𝓇𝑒 𝓊𝓃𝒹𝑒𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒! 𝒲𝒾𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝓌𝑒’𝓇𝑒 𝓇𝑜𝒷𝑜𝓉𝓈! #yogashree #poetsxheaven #copyrights #quotescontest #quotes #parissymboloflove #lovequotes #pennedthoughts #wordsofwisdom #quoteoftheday #afteralongtime #poetsofinstagram #quoters #deepestmessages #officialpoets #worldquotesteam #worldwriters #scribbledwords #worldscribble #poemindia #quotesandsayings #heartofherwords #edit #writingmagazines Copyrighted! Repost with credits!______________________ (at India) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIx6tsdnIMZ/?igshid=hnibv9175sbd