#writersandpoets

[sevyn-stars]

I turn up the volume of my inner monologue hoping it reaches an outstretched ear, praying it doesn’t get washed away in a sea of thoughts.

[crmsnmth-journal]

10/23/2024 10:27 PM

Let's not ignore the extremely difficult reading my last entry gave at the end. Kind of neat to see my sleeping meds and the melatonin seem to kick in as I was typing. I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about. Just rambling because I'm sick of being that guy that just bitches and whines about my life. So, let's do it some more.

So, it's a pretty known fact that I'm paranoid. It's part of the deal with my mental health stuff. And for the last week or so, maybe longer, it's been sky rocketing. So the base line right now is paranoid. That feeling of something looming in the future. It doesn't help that for the past month or so there's been weird shit going on that I never pieced together until today's weird and dangerous thing happened. I'll start from the first thing that happened…at least I think it's the first. It's where I start.

Couple weeks ago, maybe a month or so, I was out on my porch at like 2:30, 3:00 in the morning, smoking a cigarette. I sit on the steps of the porch which provides a view of the garage, and the shed farther back. I sat and smoked an entire cigarette, just staring off into space because I left my phone upstairs. There were no lights coming from the open door, other than reflection of the porch light. I finished my cigarette and went up to my room, which has a window that looks out to the shed. And there was what looked like a flashlight beam in the shed. Just holding space. I watched it for ten to fifteen minutes and it never once moved. It freaked me out, but I thought maybe I just missed the light while I was out there. My youngest brother spends a lot of time in there, has he uses the shed as a shop. That was the first weird incident. About a week after that, I saw the same light, this time on the outside of the shed, sitting on one of the middle one of three cars my brother is working on. Once again, I thought nothing of it and thought maybe he left a flashlight sitting on a hood or something. That is, until it vanished without anyone being outside. And last week, early in the morning our dogs went nuts. Now they go nuts all the time over coyotes or cars on the road. But they never growl, and they were growling at the door itself. I looked outside and saw nothing. I even let the dogs out, and has soon has the got outside they were fine. Relaxed even. It makes me wonder if the movements I keep seeing out of the corner of my eyes are not just made by badly firing neurons and messed up chemicals in my brain. Today was the weirdest and extremely dangerous though. We have a big bonfire pit in our back yard. And I mean big, at least a 12 foot circle of burnable junk. We usually light it once a year. It was last lit a month and a half ago, when my brother cleaned out the far back of the shed. There was a bunch of old tables and other wooden furniture, so they burnt it. A month and half ago. I didn't leave this house until 2:15-2:30. That bonfire pit was fine. There was nothing coming from it that I saw, and I even looked at it as I untangled the lead of one of the dog's. There was no smoke. My brother gets here around 6:00 and when he did he called me. I didn't answer right away, but when I called him back, he asked me if I had been messing with the fire pit. Apparently, it was lit when he got home. A small little spot, about the size of an average campfire. I'm trying to tell myself that somehow some ember was able to keep burning for six weeks, but even I know that is fucking insane. There is one theory that could very well be. (person), the one family problem right now, may very well be coming here during the day. To get their stuff, they store it here. Maybe (person) is just doing things because of what they are doing. I'm not going to clear that up. Personal stuff that I don't need to share with the world. So maybe my paranoia's major spike was my subconscious telling me to stop ignoring what's right in front of me. Or maybe my paranoia is the reason I'm seeing unrelated things have connections. Either way, I don't feel good.

[crmsnmth]

Update (Nobody gives a shit about bigfoot.)

So, if you've been here a while you've probably noticed my output has dropped drastically lately, with a few times absolutely no word from at all. I swear I have a good reason for that. Well, three. Shut up. This is my world and If i want bad math, I'm gonna have bad math. I think I've earned the right. One, I'm exhausted right now. I just worked 33 straight days in a row (I'm stupid and took a second job, but it's cool not to worry about having enough to get some cigarettes and caffeine everyday). It isn't because I stopped writing. Believe me, the notes app on my phone is overflowing, and there's a notebook sitting here with little fragments of sentences and lines. Two, I've been putting a lot of my free energy into music and working on finishing up another album (The Safety Is Off). That's taken a lot of time. But for once, I kind of dig what I'm creating. The last album (Soundtrack To Your Overdose) was made in such a stressed out period that it comes through in the music. This one is at a much more content and peaceful place and I'm really happy with what I'm producing at night. And reason number three. I'm working on my book. Again. Another edit, more fixes and words and blah blah blah. We all know how it really goes. I'm going to end up over editing and it'll never get it's one chance to see a publisher's hands. Whatever. I'm still finding things I need to fix. On top of the things that I'm fixing, I've been also taking the most unhinged lines (and there are definitely some weird lines I think I may well be the first person to ever write.) What do I plan with these unhinged lines? Well, I'm gonna post the collection here, as kind of an advertisement towards the book and the work I've put into it. There's a pretty big collection, and seeing them out of context had me laughing so hard, I cry. And I don't mean cry like I normally do when I read these words I've laid out, but in they are fucking funniest things I've ever come up, and I am terrified I'll never ever beat them.

So that's what's been going on. Nothing major, but just enough things to make it impossible to keep up with my usual output. One of those days, there's just going to end up being a massive drop of some of the crappiest, shittiest stuff you'll ever lay eyes on. I'm pretty sure I can promise that.

That's me. How's life? What have you been up to? Still slaving away? Exhausted? Pull a Courtney Love and shotgun a Rockstar.

Bye. Love you. Peace, Love, and Bubblegum. crmsnmth 9/21/2024

[alanaeen]

"Call me at night" let me know you crave me, search for me in the whispers of the darkness of Earth, let me see your amount of love.

[brieandpinotgris]

transude

ensconced in my stony cave skipping those amusing sciolistic rocks across mellifluous stream with my own practised backhand there’s

your scent

lingering on the fallow bract of me which sends me drifting half- crazed or cocked through gauzy disjunction awaiting

our next dilation.

[suryodita20]

Date someone who will make you laugh even if it’s 2:30 am and you’re lying in bed, crying because you sat there and overthought

[farfromjustwords]

lets check out this beautiful country and its endowing attributes

[other-musings]

. . . . . @poetsdaily @poets @artofpoets @buttonpoetry @poetstribe @poets_official @poetsglobe @poets.spot @poets.and.writers @tribeofpoets #wordswithqueens #poetry #spiritual #poetsofinstagram #poem #divine #reflection #wordswithkings #poetrycommunity #poet #poemsofinstagram #poetrydaily #poemsdaily #writersandpoets #thecultivatedfool #sudiptapoetry #wordsofwisdom #quotes #inspiration #poetrygram #instapoem #poetrysociety #writerscommunityofinstagram #writersofinstagram #poetrytribe #poetry #writersnetwork #poetspecial #worldofpoets #communityforpoets https://www.instagram.com/p/CpGi7maufRE/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[travelwithmestranger]

For @nataliecarrpoetry Amazing 'Word Drop' Game and February Prompt. Using- 'Delusional' by @mysticmelodiees 'Maimed' by @aya_pieceofme P.C. @eric_m.v . . . . . #promptsbyncarr #travelwithmestranger #darkpoetry #darkpoetrysociety #shewritestruth #antireligion #antipolitics #truewords #truthbomb #truthseeker #communityofpoets #darkhumour #communityofwriters #iwritewhatyoufeel #iwritesinsnottragedies #iwritepoetry #wordswordswords #peacefulprotest #poetryblog #writersandpoets #openyoureyes #spilledthoughts #spilledwords #poeticreveries_ #poetryporn #deadpoetssociety #indiepoetryplease #peacenotwar #instapoetry #darkacademia (at Far Away From All Of This) https://www.instagram.com/p/CpFa_9UpDqK/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[sevyn-stars]

The moon dyes their skin a colour only I can see. The beautiful, silky silver caresses their skin as I breathe in their essence.

[crmsnmth-journal]

7/20/2024 10:07 PM

An old friend got in touch with me today. He's one of the few who does message me so often and I figured it was just a normal catch up chat. I was wrong. His wife committed suicide last month by way of a bullet, and tomorrow is the one month anniversary. We talked quite a bit, and I'll send him another message here soon. I'm not going to go into details, but I feel beyond awful. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of pain. I mean, I've attempted suicide a few times, and I've lost a lot of friends to suicide, be it accidental or on purpose, and that stuff fucked me up. I couldn't imagine losing my partner that way. I wish I had a way to get down to their area\ just so we could hang out and just let him vent. I'm just beyond sorry for him.

I think I figured out why I have such a hard time messaging Chad these days and why I let the conversation die. He reminds me of her. He was the one to introduce us, after all. He's just another thing that reminds me of her, and I think I knew that in the back corners of my mind. He was the best friend I ever had, and the one friend and I miss that every single day. Anything that reminds me of her I try to stay away from. They say time heals all wounds, but that's fucking bullshit. Time doesn't heal a thing. It just makes it easier to live with the pain. I'm still pining over a girl from a decade ago. And our relationship wasn't even all that long really. We didn't even make it to a year. Still, from the very moment I saw her I knew she was going to either be the greatest thing in my life (and she was for the months we were together) or she was going to completly and utter destroy me (which she did on a cold March evening.) Even to this day there's still fallout. Chad was more than my best friend. If we were gay we would've been together. And we'd probably still be together. But I didn't learn my sexuality until long after I had moved to Milwaukee.

Tomorrow is my fist 12-hour day at AV. I'm still looking forward to it, and I took my meds while I was at the alley tonight. That way I can be up by sixish and shower and get some coffee in me. I think it'll be a blast. Saw the schedule for the next week, and now I'm getting chef hours. Right close to 40 at AV and my normal thirtyish at the Alley. I'm going to be exhausted for quite some time here. But once I have enough to pay off my court fees and catch up on my probation fees, one job will go. And I think we all know which one it's going to end up being.

[crmsnmth]

Sing to Me

Sing to me, one last time Let me hear the sweetness of your voice I think I'll miss that the most Just how you said my name how you said you loved me your voice turned your words into swirling script

Sing to me, just for old time's sake Just one song, you know the one that Radiohead song you sang in your kitchen We danced to no music, but you sang the song and I had never felt that happy before You changed my life, for better and for worse

Sing to me, once more before I go Out of tune and laughing Just like you sang to me so many times before Making up the words when you didn't know them Singing backup as we drove to Madison Our Valentine's day took place at my grandfather's funeral

Sing to me, with finality within the notes Let me hear your lighthearted songs as you do the dishes I'll clean up everything else, a smile and a kiss And I hum along as you sing the words softly Your just like an angel, I can almost touch your wings I'll learn the harp just to accompany your voice

I wish I was special You're so fucking special

[icouldnthelpbutremember]

Oh father.. what is this bond between parent and child..? Does blood that runs and flows in our veins become stronger than any other connection? The mother that was never there, but here is her child that just wants to run to her whenever there’s suffering.. just like a baby born from the womb, instantly knows which way to turn and find the breast to feed and soothe… The father that went missing and never even left a picture.. the child said I love you at their first hello.. and whenever this child fails, they instinctively through the tears, desire to lean onto the solid rock that the father is.. Oh father I’m falling, and for no reason at all, and with no guarantees.. I count on you being the net that will catch me.. you may be so far away, but my heart and soul are always holding on close to you. Oh mother, I’m hurting.. and with no skills at all that you possess, I want to run to your embrace. I want to find calm and safety in your arms. You may not know much, but I know you as mother. Oh father I’m falling catch me I’ve lost strength let me lean on you.. Oh mother, I’m hurting badly heal me.. I’m bleeding from pain and fear, love me. Father, mother.. I’m the child that never strayed far no matter how far away you’ve gone away from me… A million times, I forget you’re not there and I run to you. By: icouldnthelpbutremember Photo: Nicole Lafourcade #writersandpoets #poetrylovers #wordswordswords #icouldnthelpbutremember #littlegirl #fatherdaughter #motherdaughter #artoftheday #beautifulart #poemsdaily #storiestotell #shortstorywriter #writersconnection #storylover #herlife #childhoodmemories #trauma #healingquotes #healingjourney #fear #pain #struggles #lifeiscomplicated #parenthood #parentingishard #loveme #lifeisabitch #bloodline #bond #writingprompts https://www.instagram.com/p/Cf_9pCNOBlp/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[luvrgrlsblog]

I say it’s okay to start dreaming again ❤️ - - - - - #societyofpoetry #heartofpoets #apoeticview #poetofig #instapoetry #aesthicpoetryreels #poetryaesthetic #poetryreels #reelpoetry #secretivescribblings #blackpoetsofinstagram #poetsandwriters #apoeticlove #writersnetwork #writersandpoets #poetriesgram #blackpoets #poetryreels #writersofinstagram #poemsofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/ClEY2D2pwWp/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[suryodita20]

Let it hurt, then let it go.

[cjb2014universe]

#writersandpoets #writersaroundtheworld #indiepoetryplease #redbookswexford #redbookspublishing #wexfordbohemian #issuefournowavailable #chrisblack #Wexfordpoet #manshedpoetry #manshedpoetrybitsandbobspodcast #anchorfmpodcasts #Spotify #spokenwordpoetry #publicationsintheworks #publishedauthor #poertycommunity #poetsofinstagram (at Wexford, Ireland) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClBVvcpsDiX/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=