#pd abuse isn’t real

[heartshaped-clouds-emojis]

Skye holding cluster b flags part 2!! HPD and ASPD

[sys-heart-kiddos]

Hiiii! I just want to say that you seem really really cool!!

Also I have a quick q. I'm sorry if this sounds ignorant but whats PD abuse? i've never heard that term before :3

@simply-silly

Hiiii! This actually one of Mox’s older sysmates so I hope you don’t mind!

PD abuse is an umbrella term for basically the false claim that people with PDs (personality disorders) have types of abuse specific to them (I.e. narc abuse) and also usually the claim that people with PDs are inherently abusive.

it must be noted that PD abuse is pop-psychology phenomenon, ableist, and not real at all.

[purrfectdollie]

I taught my grandma about npd and now she won’t use the word “narcissist” as an insult anymore !!

[ocpder]

!Neurodivergence PSA!

Personality disorders are neurodivergencies too.

Autism and ADHD are not the only valid forms of neurodiversity.

You cannot claim to support neurodivergent people if you do not support people with personality disorders.

[whackacole3]

i need to stop emotionally/mentally self-harming by going through the "narc(issistic) abuse" tags on various websites. it is deteriorating my already horrible mental health. it just makes me feel like a monster and that i'm bound to be a horrible person because of my trauma response. these people would probably love the fact that they're causing a pwNPD harm and i don't want to give them that, but for some reason i can't stop.

[avpdpossum]

Hello! Hoping anyone that comes across this could share their thoughts as well, but I was curious if you consider personality disorders on their own as neurodivergent? Why or why not? Thank you

they absolutely are neurodivergent!

i think a lot of people’s introduction to the concept of neurodivergence is through the autistic and adhd communities, and that leads people to assume neurodivergence only includes things you’re born with, but that’s not actually the case.

here’s how i would explain neurodivergence:

the social Powers That Be in our current (Western, capitalist, etc) society have designated certain ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving, and so on as the Correct Ways of Existing.

most of our world is built on the assumption that everyone’s brains will work that way, because that’s the way they “should” work. when people’s brains don’t work that way, it’s assumed that the solution is to find a way to “fix” them or get rid of them.

as a result, people whose brains do work in that way have an easier time navigating the world and are generally treated better by it, while people whose brains deviate from that expectation in some way have a more difficult time navigating a world not built with them in mind and are treated as “wrong”/“bad”.

people in the first group, who can navigate the world with very little added stigma or difficulty as a result of the way their brains work, would be considered neurotypical.

people in the second group, who do face added stigma and barriers to functioning as a result of the way their brains work, would be considered neurodivergent.

so, if you want to determine if something makes someone neurodivergent, you can ask yourself a few questions:

does it have to do with their psychology/neurology?

does it affect their thinking, emotions, perceptions, or other brain functions in a way that is considered “abnormal” by current social norms?

does it carry a stigma and make them more likely to be mistreated?

does it cause them extra difficulty with navigating and functioning in the world?

if the answers to those questions are yes, chances are it’s a form of neurodivergence!

so, if we look at those questions for personality disorders:

this is the easiest answer — yes!

personality disorders are classified as “mental illnesses”, put in the dsm, and generally assumed to be under the jurisdiction of psychiatry, so i think we can pretty safely say that yes, personality disorders are seen as “abnormal” forms of brain functioning according to current social norms.

personality disorders and their traits are incredibly stigmatized — pwpds are assumed to be violent, abusive, generally bad people, and so on. this is most visibly true for cluster b pds, but stigma against the other pds and against the personality disorder category in general is also very real. so this one’s a yes — pwpds are very frequently mistreated on the basis of our brains being “wrong”.

personality disorders, by definition, come with some sort of functioning difficulties, and the world isn’t built to accommodate those differences in functioning. as an example, think of the high expectations of emotional regulation (not “too” emotional but not “cold” either) and social capability in professional spaces, even ones where emotions and social interactions don’t affect a person’s ability to do the job well. that makes this one a yes too; a society that took pwpds into account would seek to accommodate the areas we struggle with and ensure that there’s a place for us, and that definitely isn’t happening right now.

so yeah, according to my own personal understanding of neurodivergence, personality disorders absolutely count. we diverge from the assumed norms of psychological/neurological functioning, so we count as neurodivergent, even those of us who aren’t also neurodivergent in other ways.

on a personal level, i can say i feel no real difference in how i internally experience being audhd vs how i experience my personality disorders — they both just feel like my brain doing its thing, sometimes in ways that are unpleasant/difficult for me to deal with and sometimes in ways that just feel totally fine and unremarkable from my point of view. i also rarely notice a difference in how neurotypical people treat them — they usually don’t know the difference between audhd “weirdness” vs avoidant/narcissistic/schizospec/dissociative “weirdness”, it’s all just one big blob of Weird And Bad And Wrong to most people. the only time they’re ever really treated as different is when certain other neurodivergent people try to separate the two.

trying to draw lines between neurodivergence and “mental illness” (which is usually what’s happening when people say pds aren’t a form of neurodivergence) doesn’t actually help anyone. in my opinion, it’s basically just a way for certain people to try to get ahead by putting other people down — it says “accept us because we’re different in the good way, not in the bad way! we’re not sick like those people!” and that kind of attitude doesn’t do anyone any good. sure, the experiences that come with having a since-birth neurodivergence can be different from those that come with having an acquired neurodivegence, but people within those groups also have different experiences because everyone’s experience is going to be unique, we’re all different people in different circumstances! diversity of experiences among neurodivergent people is to be expected and is honestly a good thing, not a reason to avoid associating with each other.

in my experience, the people who insist that pds aren’t true neurodivergences are usually pretty damn sanist toward pwpds - they exclude us because they don’t want to be associated with us, they want to be accepted but they don’t think we should be so they try to make us seem totally different from them. in reality, neurodivergence is a broad umbrella and there’s room under it for all of us.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Bloodline: Part One

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.9k

Summary: Never have you heard of a family killing together, and never have you heard of generation of families killing together. Yet here you are.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated

x

There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened and maintained." - Winston Churchill

The last case was a rush because they called you in after three women were dead, but this time is different. Alabama PD discovered a family killed inside their home and immediately called your team in due to the brutality of the murders. You didn't even have time to talk in the briefing room since this is a top-priority case.

After everyone gets settled on the plane, the meeting starts. JJ is still on maternity leave, but Jordan doesn't want to do this job anymore. Not after the case with Norman, the guy who was killing people with his sawed-off shotgun after they cut him off while driving. She got a look into how brutal the job can be and decided it isn't for her.

However, JJ has one more week until she's back so this will be Jordan's last case.

A family was found murdered inside their home at one in the morning, and their ten-year-old daughter is missing. Cases involving children are always the hardest because most children don't survive within the first twenty-four hours of being kidnapped. Cate is ten years old, but that doesn't mean she's safe from being murdered like the rest of her family.

You have about half a day to find her alive.

"We got the links of the crime scene photos." Jordan pulls up the photos of the family who was killed. "This is Geoff and Nancy Hale with both their throats cut."

"Is there any evidence of abuse?"

"No."

"Slitting someone's throat is quick and efficient."

"That's because the real target was down the hall," Emily says.

"She has a name," Jordan snaps. "She's not 'the target'. Her name is Cate and she's ten years old."

Tension is thick, but Rossi keeps the conversation moving along as if this didn't happen.

"Is an amber alert in effect?"

"Since seven this morning."

"With the unsub's head start he could be anywhere within a four-hundred-mile radius. Make sure that they're casting a wide enough net. Who discovered the bodies?"

"Jim Scheuren, Cate's biological father. He was supposed to take her for the weekend. The police don't consider him a suspect."

"We'll want to talk to him anyway. We're also going to need a list of registered sex offenders in a twenty-mile radius."

"What's the makeup of the Hales' neighborhood?" Spencer asks.

"Mostly white and middle class."

"We'll need aerial views of the neighborhood. If Madison County doesn't have them, talk to Garcia. Dave, you, Y/N, and Morgan go to the crime scene. The rest of us will get up to speed at the precinct."

Once landed, everyone broke into their own little groups with you heading out with Derek and Rossi. The Hales' neighborhood is a series of rural roads and one-block streets. It's about three miles to the nearest main street, so he didn't happen upon Cate by accident. Her father, Jim, might not have been the one to do this, but he might know who did.

In the meantime, you arrive at Cate's house which is covered with police personnel and yellow caution tape. You don't have to get out of the car to feel the tragedy that happened here. Since this happened just last night, there are different colored energies pouring out of the place.

The detective on the case sees you arrive and walks over to greet you.

"Bo Whitaker," he shakes hands with Rossi.

"David Rossi. This is Derek Morgan and Y/N."

"Pleased to meet you. The point of entry is around the back. The neighbors didn't see or hear anything, and the dogs lost the scent almost immediately."

"It's not hard to target a family out here."

"Yeah, even in broad daylight. If you walk five feet off the track, you could get lost for days. He had plenty of time and privacy to watch what he was really after."

There is a tire swing in the front yard, and Cate's energy is swirling around it since she really loved that swing. The energy is strong enough for it to take her form, and you're the only one who can see her. She has a smile on her face as if nothing bad could ever happen to her.

You look away in sadness and hope that she is alright.

"I prefer cities. You can see them coming," Rossi comments.

Bo takes you to the window the killer came in through, and there is not only one energy stemming from it, there are three. You head inside the house and see the pane of the door knocked in when they tried to kick the door in. That's when they used the window to get in. There are three energies inside the house: red, blue, and yellow. That can only mean one thing--the murderers are a whole family.

"Do you think the girl's dead?" Bo asks.

"It depends on what he took her for."

"I don't think we're looking for one unsub," you say. "We're looking for a family. There are three different energies inside the house, not including the family who lived here. There are three different energies stemming from that broken window. One red, one blue, and one yellow. One male, one female, and one child."

"How do you know this?" Bo asks.

"I'm a psychic. I see the energies of the killers."

You leave their side without hearing Bo's response, but you do hear Derek back you up. You're the real deal, and they trust you wholeheartedly. You walk into the master bedroom where the parents were found, and there is blood all over the walls, bed, and even the ceiling. There are two people in the bed with their throats cut, but you know they're not real. Derek heads over to Cate's room to examine it, eventually joining you and Rossi in the master bedroom.

"Find anything in Cate's room?" Rossi asks Derek.

"That's what's weird. There's no sign of struggle. It didn't even look like she tried to get out of bed in a hurry."

"Her parents' throats were cut. If there was the element of surprise, they might not have had time to scream," you say.

"Both of them?"

Since you can see the parents and their wounds, you can determine what might have happened last night.

"So both parents don't have any ligature marks, and neither of them are tied down. There are no defensive wounds either. Geoff's cause of death was a single deep, smooth cut that severed the carotid artery. Nancy's cause of death was caused by a series of jagged, shallow wounds that punctured the carotid artery."

"There's more than one unsub, like you said," Derek says.

"Are you guys sure?" Bo asks.

"It makes sense. If there was only one unsub, then he would have had to restrain Nancy while he killed Geoff. Since there are no ligature marks on either of them, then that means he didn't restrain them. If he killed Geoff without restraining her, and she woke up, then she would have screamed. It would have alerted the entire family. We're looking at multiple unsubs."

"So, things are worse than we thought."

"Yes and no. Cate's chances of survival just got better. Two or more unsubs change the dynamics."

"What do you mean, dynamics?"

"They spend more time with her," Rossi sighs.

Derek calls Hotch to let him know while you go into the bathroom to see what kind of motive there might have been for taking Cate. You look inside the medicine cabinet and see something that makes Cate's chances of survival go right down to almost zero.

"I found something here." You walk out of the bathroom holding a pill bottle. "Cate has seizures, and if the unsubs find out about this, they might kill her."

With this new information, you head back to the police station to discuss what this might mean. Hotch pulls you off to the side, and you hand him the pill bottle you took from the scene.

"Give me your honest opinion on what your theory is."

"Based on the energies I saw at the house, I believe a family of three killed Cate's family. A mom, a dad, and a young son. They're killing everyone but a young daughter to maybe complete their family. Maybe they can't have more kids and want to be a family of four, or maybe their real daughter died and they're trying to replace her. It's the only theory I have right now."

"It's a theory nonetheless."

"If my theory is correct, and they find out Cate has seizures, then she isn't perfect. She could be dumped somewhere or killed. Either way, I have a feeling we'll know tomorrow."

And tomorrow you found out. Cate was dumped on the side of the road with her feet and hands bound, but she is very much alive. She was taken to the hospital immediately just as they contacted her father. Since she got medical care so soon, she's going to be fine. She is the best person to talk to about this kind of stuff, and since you can use her trauma to paint a picture, then you're going to talk to her.

"Her father's with her," the nurse says when your team arrives. "She's been in and out of consciousness but her vitals are stable."

"Any sign of sexual assault?" you ask.

"We haven't tested yet. We want to give her time to process."

"May we speak with her?"

"Sure. You should know, seizures often come with retrograde amnesia. She might have holes in her memory."

"Y/N, you should do this alone," Hotch says.

You knock on Cate's door before entering. Poor thing looks so scared, but you're going to do everything you can to make her feel comfortable and safe.

"Hello, Mr. Scheuren. I'm Agent Y/N from the FBI. I would like permission to speak with your daughter."

"Okay."

He doesn't move from her side, and you clasp your hands in front of you.

"I'd like to do this alone, if possible."

"Why?"

"I need to ask her certain questions, and sometimes it's easier for a girl to answer those questions when there are no men present."

"I'm her father," he gets upset.

"Daddy, please?"

"Alright, baby," he sighs. "I'll be right outside."

"Thank you." As soon as he leaves, you take a seat next to Cate and give her a kind smile. "My name is Y/N. I'm so sorry about your mom and your stepdad. I'd like to ask you some questions so we can find out who did this. Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Do you mind if I hold your hand?"

"No."

You hold her hand and place your other one over hers.

"I'm going to ask you some questions, and it's going to be about the things you sensed--things you saw, felt, etc."

"I'm scared."

"I know you are. It's okay to be scared. I'm right here with you. Just close your eyes, okay? What's the first thing you remember?"

She closes her eyes and you use her words to help paint a picture of what happened to her or where she might have been.

"It's cold, like outside cold."

"Okay, who's there?"

"A man. He told me to keep quiet."

"What is he doing?"

"He's holding my hand. It hurts. He's waiting for something."

"What does he look like?"

There is a much older white man with her with blood on his face. This happened after he got done killing Cate's parents. He's mean, balding at the top, and has a hint of a mustache that looks freshly shaved. It's a vague description, but it's the only thing you see right now.

"I don't want to be here," Cate whimpers.

"He can't hurt you, Cate, I promise. I'm right here."

"He's tall with dark hair. He's old."

"Old like me?"

"Old like my dad."

"Is anyone else there?"

"Someone's coming! Y/N! Y/N, help me!!"

The old man grabs Cate and slings her over his shoulder. She tries to fight him, but her hands are tied together. A car approaches and pops the trunk from the inside, and the unsub shoves Cate into the trunk.

"Cate, you're right here with me. I promise he can't hurt you. It's okay."

"He put me in the trunk of the car."

"How long were you in there?"

"Not long. Maybe ten minutes."

"Was the ride bumpy or smooth?"

"It was smooth." That tells you the roads they took are main roads instead of back ones. If they took the main road, then someone might have seen the car. "I wanted to scream, but no sound would come out."

"You're doing really good, Cate. Once the car stopped and they opened the trunk, what did you hear?"

"Wind through the trees."

The man takes Cate out of the trunk and drags her into some kind of trailer house before stuffing her inside a small space like a closet.

"What do you smell?"

"Cooking. I'm inside now. They've taken my shoes off."

"It's so you don't run. I want you to look down at your feet and tell me what you're standing on."

"Carpet. I'm in a little room with clothes and tinfoil all around me."

"What else?"

"I hear bells."

"What kind of bells?"

"Small ones like a fairy. Every time they ring, the man says something to the boy."

She must mean the young son whose energy you saw inside the house.

"How old is he?"

"Nine or ten, I'd say. His parents want me to play with him. They're calling him puyule, whatever that means."

The closet door opens and the young boy tries to take Cate out of the closet. His parents encourage her to come out to spend time with her, but she doesn't want to go.

"Y/N, I don't want to go. No! Don't make me go! Y/N!"

"Cate, it's okay. You're right here next to me. Open your eyes." She does, and you pat the back of her hand with a smile. "See? We're in the hospital. He can't hurt you anymore. You did so well. I'm going to send your dad back in here, okay? You just rest now."

"Okay," she sniffles.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[traumatizeddfox]

This is a genuine question not like,, being mean or judging or trolling or anything

I keep seeing the term Narc abuse or Narcissistic abuse but I don’t know what it means

I know that abuse that’s done by narcissists (not all narcissists are abusers I have to say) is treated differently than other kinds of abuse. And normal therapy things don’t always work to help with that kind

And I get that from personal experience with being abused by a diagnosed narcissist and seeing through therapy that the things don’t get undone by kinda the usual methods you gotta approach it differently

But I guess I just don’t get why? Like do people misuse the term to perpetuate stereotypes? If so why is the term so frowned upon in general? Is it a bad term? If so what’s the name for the phenomenon that’s proven to exist/needed to be distinguished from other kinds of abuse?

Again please don’t misunderstand I’m not defending anything I’m just genuinely confused and don’t understand and need to know what’s happening and what’s appropriate and what’s not

Anyway have a nice day sorry for the long winded question

so a lot of victims have used the word narc abuse as a way to just describe their abuser. i think a lot of them either don’t understand the harm they’re doing when they use the term or just don’t care. most times i see people use it as a way to describe emotional abuse or any kind of abuse but it’s almost as if victims feel like they’re more special if they have been abused by a narcissist or something

i personally don’t have npd so i can’t speak for those in the community but from the people i know who have it, they say it makes them feel terrible, and not welcomed in victim spaces because the term narc abuse has just become another way to describe abuse and so it alienates those with pd or npd because people now think narcissist = abuser.

i know when i first started to look into abuse i kept getting a lot of those narc abuse videos on tiktok and most of the time victims try to make themselves feel “special” for being abused by a narcissist because these spaces describe narcissists like they’re some vampire lmao waiting to lure their victim because the victim is “soooo special” which is super dangerous to tell victims because that’s something abusers do tell us especially if they have groomed us, but it’s not a narcissist thing it’s just an abuser thing. the thing is i was also abused by someone with NPD but he didn’t abuse me bc he’s a narcissist he abused me because he’s an abuser.

the main issue with these types of people is they don’t want to ever hear the other side because they think if you say “narc abuse isn’t real” ur saying that their abuse didn’t happen which isn’t the case it’s just trying to get people to change the language. unfortunately it’s hard to talk about these things in victim spaces because it’s everywhere. i feel like tumblr is the only place where i don’t see much ableism towards those with npd (i can’t even look up trauma or abuse on tiktok w/o seeing someone talk abt narc abuse)

it would be nice if we could eventually learn that all victims are on the same field and abusers are just abusers no matter what disorders they have and that a disorder doesn’t = abuser

[heartshaped-clouds-emojis]

Skye holding cluster b flags part 1!! BPD and NPD

(Btw we actually have NPD :3)

I know that I said that we wouldn’t talk about beliefs on here but genuinely you are an asshole if you believe narcissistic, borderline or any personality disorder abuse is real you are ableist and need to check your values but as I said we still do not have a dni

- Mod June 🌌

[purrfectdollie]

Pspspspsps… come here my fellow narcissists… pspspsps.. let’s be mutuals…

[ocpder]

narc abuse isn’t real but pwnpd are objectively more likely to be interpersonally abusive

Nope, that's an ableist and sanist stereotype pushed by anti NPD/PD propaganda. People who struggle with mental conditions are more likely to be the victims of abuse.

[fierceawakening]

Like is it possible people are just going ��man I hate my ex, I am gonna call them an abuser?” Yes, I do think it’s possible. And yeah, there are people who are cruel enough I do think they’d go “no one will believe you, you have that npd diagnosis! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

But I don’t feel convinced it’s common because posts like this never offer actual evidence of that being a thing. It reminds me of people who go off on long rants about false rape accusations.

Do they exist? I’m sure they do. There are some real assholes in the world.

Do most people who say they were raped make it up? No, because that means showing the world you were vulnerable to someone, knowing they’re going to end up probing you for “your contribution” to the dynamic, however ready or not ready you are to think about anything like that.

When I first researched BPD after leaving an abusive girlfriend, I didn’t do it because BPD was the evilness disorder. I’m not going to say I wasn’t affected by social stigma, I’m sure I was and still am. I was intrigued because when I described behaviors that had hurt me, someone said those behaviors are common in unmanaged BPD and I’d been wanting to understand whether and how her illness affected how she treated me.

I found the research I did on concepts like splitting useful not because I’m totally sure splitting is a better or more likely reason she went from praising to demeaning me than bog standard honeymooning (I still wonder which! To this day!) but because splitting made it easier to understand HOW she could praise me like she meant it when she’d just been calling me scum. Like if you really think I’m scum why do YOU stay? You can’t do better than scum?

Similarly, I don’t know if my mom has NPD. BUT I know that I struggled my whole life to articulate why I feel so unsatisfied with my relationship with her. The lens of narcissism, of “these people don’t see themselves as deeply self focused unless they’re willing to do a lot of internal reflection. Otherwise they see themselves as profoundly giving. But if you look at their behavior, if you count it up, they don’t actually give much. So you feel that impoverishment, but you can’t name it, because the person keeps telling you they’re giving all they can,” helped me to understand so much.

(My mom’s specific phrase for this has always been “I’m being the best mom I know how to be.” As in, it’s never “I don’t know if I can give you what you just said you need. So let’s talk about whether anyone else in your life can.” Which is what I would say to a friend who asked me for support I wasn’t comfortable offering.)

The worry I guess is that if I use PD words, I’ll think both these people are no longer human. But I don’t think that. Hell, I think my mom thinks she loves me. I don’t think she has any idea what I feel I’m missing, and so she thinks I’m weird and bitter. It makes sense that she would.

But it doesn’t make me wrong. It doesn’t make her behavior okay.

Which is what giving those words to survivors is about or at least what it should be about. You can recognize that people who rip you to shreds to build themselves up are in real pain. If they weren’t it would make no sense for them to act like that!

But recognizing that isn’t forgiving them or saying it’s okay. Sometimes it’s saying, with your whole chest, that it’s NOT okay and never was.

I should not take bait, especially from someone who thinks punning on kys is funny but:

Okay, but what if the person is your mom and her obsession was with what you acting like a regular little kid did to the "image" of herself as a mother and of the family? Are you allowed to wonder if that person might have had a personality type characterized by obsession with image and constant need for attention THEN, or is there some Ableism Checkitover Board every survivor has to get in line at like the DMV?

Also who the hell is on that board? Because I can never seem to find it when I look. Which leads me to think the idea is mostly just to contort the idea of ableism into something you can use to bludgeon survivors that don't talk nice according to you.

[whackacole3]

when i say “narc abuse isn’t real” i mean the term and the term alone. your trauma is valid and your abuse was real, you’re just not calling it by the right name. that is all. describe the abuse, not the abuser.

[sheetsonfire]

Old Flames Can Still Burn You | Part 1

Fandom: Chicago Med / Chicago PD

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Genre: Angst, drama, romance

Warnings: Descriptions of past domestic abuse, emotional manipulation, blackmail, panic attacks

Word Count: 3494

Prompt From @afro-hispwriter: Ava Bekker is from Reader's past, now together with Jay Halstead they must face the return of everything Reader wanted to escape from.

A/N: I don't know if this is darker than expected, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!

-

You cradled your coffee in your hands, letting the radiating heat warm up cold fingers as you sat on the bench outside the hospital. You were bundled in your hat and coat, sitting next to Natalie and April as they chattered away about Owen’s new pre-school and what Noah had been like as a toddler. The giggles from the two women made you smile - it felt good to be among friends, with a job you cherished.

As had become a tradition since Connor’s arrival, he would buy his friends' lunch at least once a month if not more often - today was one of those occasions. Taking a bite of your own tortilla, you watched Connor squabble with Will to the side of the food cart, the former trying to convince the latter to try a new tortilla filling. Your smile turned into soft rumbles of laughter as Natalie shook her head at the men - they were the real children sometimes.

Eventually, Connor and Will return to the group with their lunch choices and Will seems smug, you assume he got his way instead of caving to Connor’s recommendations. You catch Connor’s eye, shaking your head with a grin, shrugging as if to say “What can you do?” 

“Hey! I saw that!” Will grumbles at you, only making you laugh more when he swats the back of Connor’s head. 

You shrug with a teasing smile, “It’s not my fault you’re afraid of change. Maybe we should get you to Dr Charles about that…”

Will playfully kicks your shoe and you swipe back at him with your foot, Will smarting back at you that Dr Charles is “a psychiatrist, not a therapist.” 

“Hm, I never said you didn’t need both, buddy.” You wink, taking a bigger bite of your lunch as Will comes to sit opposite you with Connor who was stifling his amusement to avoid another whack.

“Remind me why we’re outside again?” You sigh, feeling the cold creep beneath your clothes and to your skin, despite your layers. 

April groaned in sympathy, she had a scarf on as well as a jacket and hat, yet looked colder than you. “Because the cafeteria had a leak this morning, it’s apparently a limited-capacity area for the rest of the day.”

“And we’re not in the on-call room because…?” You sipped more eagerly at your coffee, 

“Because it’s already got people in there who called first dibs.” Natalie supplies, rolling her eyes at the bad luck your troupe had been handed.

You wrinkle your nose in disapproval, knowing you only had about five more minutes until you caved and went back inside to do literally anything, so long as you could stay warm. “Ah…Suppose the fresh air is something, but maybe too fresh.”

“Besides…” Will starts, finishing a mouth full of his lunch, “Connor’s avoiding his new competition.” He raises his eyebrows, clearly pleased with himself for having ‘gossip’. 

You and your two bench companions turn your attention to Connor who sighs, wishing Will hadn’t brought it up. Things had been difficult of late, he was starting to think his reaction to the new CT Fellow was more to do with his mood than anything else.

“Look, things have been hard enough proving to Dr Latham I’m good enough to be his CT fellow and then the hospital decided to let a second Fellow join. He seemed delighted this morning when he told me.”

Natalie chimes in, having known Dr Latham a lot longer than Connor she had been periodically trying to reassure the surgeon that Dr Latham had the greatest respect for him. 

“Connor, you know Dr Latham isn’t petty like that, and we all know how good of a physician you are." Natalie encourages, and you nod in agreement, nobody ever doubted how excellent Connor was at his job, Nat then continues, "He’s probably just excited to have two great minds instead of one working for him. Presumably, this new doctor is a great mind too, right?”

Connor’s jaw clenches, thinking back to his first interaction with the new doctor, she had been… forward. It wasn’t usually a problem for Connor but there was a smugness to her, and he had felt defensive when she immediately diagnosed Dr Latham with Asperger's, annoyed that she would presume to know the man he had tried so hard to build a rapport with. Then again, he mused, the referral he had seen spoke for itself, she was an exciting new prospect from a professional standpoint. 

“Well yeah… yeah, of course, she was one of the top names in South Africa, Latham’s pick before me. Goodwin encouraged him to put his faith in me like Dr Downey did…" You all nod, sparing a thought for the late Dr Downey with whom Connor had really connected.

Connor turns to you, "Actually, she’s come from Groote Schuur in Cape Town. Y/N, you might have heard of her, Ava Bekker?”

The second Connor had said “Groote Schuur” your stomach had threatened to return your lunch back to the picnic table and over your friends. Your stomach felt like lead and you could feel the clamminess instantly break out over your skin beneath your winter layers. The world had started to zone out from focus, clumsily putting your coffee back on the table before you could drop it entirely.

Your friends knew you had spent nearly two years in South Africa, after becoming a fully qualified Emergency Medicine doctor as part of a fellowship programme. You had worked in the ED of Groote Schuur… but what they didn’t know was that you knew Ava Bekker all too well.

“Y/N, you okay?” Connor asks, confused at your reaction. 

Your throat felt tight, and your heart hammered away with adrenaline pulsing, you had to take a second away from the group, you didn’t want them to see how messed up you felt at the mere mention of her. 

“I-I’m fine, just uh…overate. I just need to take a walk, I’ll be right back, you guys go on inside before you, uh, freeze...” You give them all a tight smile, shuffling off the wooden seat, leaving behind a half-eaten tortilla that didn’t quite convince them of your excuse. You headed in the direction of the parking lot, not daring to look back at the concerned faces of your friends.

-

“Should I follow-?” Connor asks, Will considering the same himself. 

Natalie shakes her head, “Give her a minute, we can find out what that was soon enough.”

-

With shaking legs you hastily move towards a rarely used break spot at the side of the ED's main building, adjacent to the rows of parked cars, except as you stumbled with your head down you walked smack bang into a firm body. 

You yelp, “Oh god, I’m so sorry, I-I-...” You can’t help your jittered words as your brain fires a thousand thoughts at once. Ready to apologise profusely for not being more observant, you're panting hard. Steadying hands grasp your shoulders gently, making you finally look up to see who it was. 

“Y/N?” Jay’s face falls from confusion to concern when he sees your panicked expression. “What’s wrong?” 

Seeing Jay brings all of your emotions to the fore, tears stinging your dried-out eyes in the cold, your breaths are erratic and you can’t make the pain in your chest shift. 

“J-ay…” Trying your best to communicate to your boyfriend of almost a year what the problem was. 

“Hey, come on, it’s alright. Just breathe for me, sweetheart. I got you, let’s step inside out of the cold.” He puts a gentle arm around you, supporting you as he guides you through a side door, let in by one of the security guards.

It’s then that a nurse spots your boyfriend holding your distressed frame, watching him look for somewhere to take you away from the commotion of the hospital. 

She wanders over, coming over to see if you needed help.

“Sir, is everything okay, is she hurt?” 

“Uh no, sorry, Dr Y/L/N works here, I think she’s having a panic attack... I’m her boyfriend.” Jay flashes his badge, “Detective Jay Halstead. You got somewhere private, so we can just take a second?”

The nurse glances at you, watching you try and take slow steady breaths, hot tears running down your cheeks, shaking from the cold and the anxiety. 

“Do you know this Detective, hon, do you need me to stay?” She asks gently, hoping Jay wouldn’t take too much offence, as she did her due diligence to keep a fellow staff member safe, you could never be too careful.

“I-It’s okay, he is…” You take another deep inhale and exhale, “...my boyfriend.”

The nurse smiles sympathetically. “Alright, hon. This assessment room here is free for the next hour, you take the time you need, okay?” She takes in the colour of your scrubs, knowing you came from the ED. “Is your Charge Nurse, Maggie Lockwood?” 

You nod, sniffing as you focus on Jay’s hands on you, the warmth of his touch is something to ground you as nausea sits uncomfortably in your throat.

“I’ll let her know where you are and who you’re with. If you need anything, I’m gonna be at that station over there, alright?” 

You nod again, trying for a smile but you’re sure it comes out as a weary sniffle.

“Thank you, ma’am.” Jay thanks her sincerely, guiding you to the room as he helps you sit in a chair, moving away only to close the door gently. 

You sit staring at your hands as they shake, your head still spinning as you hear Jay approach, the soft rustle of him taking his coat off. He bends down to crouch in front of you,

“Sweetheart, can I scoot in a little closer and hold your hands?” He asks gently, 

You nod to convey your permission, “You…can…” eyes closed in some sort of relief as your boyfriend carefully takes your hands in his, thumbs immediately stroking over your knuckles. 

“You’re freezing.” He murmurs, moving a little closer so he can see your face. 

You lift your head slightly with a pained expression that makes Jay’s chest ache, inhaling as deeply as you can before releasing a shaky exhale, your extremities feel weak and numb, just taking the time to catch your breath again. 

Jay scans the room, thankful that there was a pile of thin blankets in a cupboard just within reach. It would do for now.

Carefully he helps you shed your jacket and your hat, replacing it with the warm, dry, blanket around you. A gentle hand rubs your back slowly,

“I got you, I’m right here, Y/N. Just take it easy, I know it’s scary but you’ll be okay… I just need to let Voight know where I am, give me two seconds.” You nod silently, clutching Jay’s arm a little as he reaches for his phone, still feeling panicked as you don’t want him to move away.

“It’s alright, I’m staying, I won’t let go.” He soothes, dialling Hank’s cell, watching you with concern as he sees the exhaustion setting in from your attack.

“Voight, I’ve got a family emergency with Y/N… No, she’s, she’s gonna be okay, but I need an hour to take care of it. Yeah, of course, no, it’s alright, I just need some time… Appreciate it, alright, thanks.” 

Your boyfriend turns his attention back to you, one hand settling back over yours, the other remaining in soothing motions across your back, you put your head down a little more, trying to get nausea to shift, you can feel the edges of your vision going, tilting to one side as you lose your sense of gravity. “Woah, hey, it’s alright, honey, I’ve got you.” 

Jay stands in such a way that he can continue to support your wavering body, flexing out a leg to hook a second chair in the room with his boot, bringing it closer to sit by your side, letting you fall completely against him.

“It’s okay, feel my hands, squeeze if you can, breathe with me, slow it down, Y/N…”

Once you’re sure you’re not going to pass out, you relax into Jay’s hold, but you find it hard to stay awake as your heart skitters, only the sounds of your laboured breathing fill the room.

“That’s it, Y/N, it’s going to pass. You’re breathing better, you got this.”

You don’t how much time passes, but eventually the ringing stops, your extremities regain their feeling and your breathing is virtually back to normal. You’re so tired, but at least aware of yourself again. Feeling the heat of embarrassment creep up on you, you try and sit up in Jay’s embrace.

Jay remains quiet, letting you gather your thoughts. 

“Hi…” You rasp, sniffing as you wipe away the wetness on your cheeks. 

“Hey, you with me now?” Jay asks softly, soothing your forehead with a kiss. 

You nod, groaning as you can’t believe how badly you reacted to the conversation during lunch.

“I’m so embarrassed.” You murmur, resting your head on Jay’s shoulder, wrapping your arms around him.

“No need to feel embarrassed, honey. That was a bad one, you haven’t had one of those since those first months we met…” Jay doesn’t push, but he wants to know what could have triggered you so badly, squeezing you gently in the hug.

“Yeah, I know.” You sigh, lifting your head to look at the detective. “Uh…I, um, Jay… She’s here. A-...Ava’s here.” You exhale harshly, still feeling a visceral anger and fear at what this could mean for you.

“What? The reason you came back home, Ava?” Jay’s eyes have darkened, he knew all about your ex from before, it was part of the reason you had struggled so much to let Jay be there for you at first.

You nod, a moroseness overcoming your mood.

Yes, Ava Bekker was the reason you’d come home to Chicago last year. What at first had seemed like an exciting and hopeful romance, with even a permanent future to speak of, had turned into a mess of manipulative, controlling and exhausting behaviour on Ava’s part. 

It had got to the point where you had felt like you were going crazy, with no other choice but to take it to the police in Cape Town. It should have been a straightforward process, their laws on domestic violence were clear, but eventually, Ava had weaselled her way out of legal repercussions and you were left alone without a support system. Without so much as a restraining order to rely on, you decided it was better to simply walk away from your life there, coming back to Chicago where you knew she couldn’t follow. Until now, at least.

Coming back out of your thoughts you turn your gaze to Jay, you cup his cheek gently and lean in for a kiss, feeling his presence was doing wonders for your nerves. As you wrap yourself around him for a tighter embrace, you feel the rough material of his tactical vest. You pull back, frowning, realising that somewhere in your panic that you had heard him talk to Voight on the phone. 

“Wait, you here for work? Did I take you away from work?” 

Jay smiles wryly, stroking the back of your neck soothingly. “Sort of. It’s fine, I’d already given the witness statement I came to get to Voight before you ran into me.” 

You take a breath, “Okay, okay good… Seriously, Jay, you didn’t have to stay.” 

Jay huffs out a laugh, shaking his head as he kisses you again. “I was supposed to scoot you on over to Will and leave you to it? Now that I know why you were so upset? I don’t think so, honey.” 

You smile sheepishly, he had a point. “Okay, fair. It’s just, you know I hate being an inconvenience.” 

Jay cups your face, giving you a loving but stern look. “Being worried about this is not an inconvenience, Y/N. Seriously, I don’t have to tell you that domestic abuse is no light and breezy thing. You still have the police reports you gave back in South Africa, right?”

You nod, worrying your lip between your teeth. 

“Okay, so we’re gonna keep documentation of everything that happens here. Is there anything you can do in terms of reporting a conflict of interest to Goodwin?” 

“I…” Your heart picks up again, nerves jangling in your veins. “I don’t know, Jay. It’s my word against Ava's here, these people don’t know her like I do. I could try, I just… she made it hard for people to be around me last time, this is how it started, people questioning what was going on, thinking I was too much trouble because of her.” Tears spring back to your eyes, and you swipe them away angrily. 

“This is a nightmare, you…you think she came here because she knows I’m here?” You swallow, partially already knowing the answer. Ava knew every facet of your life before, she would always cancel plans with your friends, citing you had fallen ill or had something else come up, then when it came to seeing those friends again they would ask how you were after the cancellation and you never knew what they were talking about - it made you out to be a liar. 

She guilted you into thinking you weren’t grateful for her companionship, so you would overcompensate and do more to please her and win her affection. It had become an endless cycle, one that started to affect your work with patients and colleagues. In Ava’s eyes, her knowledge and expertise were always superior, it meant you began to question everything you did, which led you to self-medicating to cope - that had been the end for you.

“Sweetheart, I have to be honest, I’ve seen these types of situations a lot in my work. It would be naive to think she didn’t come here to mess with you, but now that we know she’s around, we’re gonna be vigilant. We’re gonna talk to Goodwin, Ethan, Maggie, Will… we’ll make sure that enough people know to keep her on a short leash. You have good friends here, family, and they’re not going to ditch you for her. You know that right?”

You sniff, resting your head on Jay’s shoulder. “Yeah… I know, I trust all of you… And Connor…she’s his new CT fellow. Oh god, poor Connor.”

His warm hand rests on the back of your head, lightly massaging your scalp. “We’ll make sure Connor knows too, it’s alright.” 

You nod against his shoulder again, taking another measured inhale and exhale. “Okay. Thank you, Jay, I am so glad you’re with me on this.” You lean back, squeezing his arm gratefully. You knew what a loving, healthy and communicative relationship could be like thanks to him.

He smiles fondly, “This isn’t a thankable situation, you just deserve better, and I want to make sure you have that… Do you want me to take you home?” 

You think about it for a moment, you sort if it did just want to curl up in your shared apartment with Jay and reset tomorrow. But you shake your head, a steeled look overtaking your worried expression.

“She’s crashed into my home, my life, I won’t let her scare me off already. I want to get back to work and face it all head-on.” 

Jay leans in to kiss you again, nodding, “Whatever you choose, I’m with you. Let’s get you back to the ED. If you’re ready, I’ll talk to some of the others real quick, and then I’ll head back to the 21st.”

-

You make your way out of the small room with Jay in tow, and you feel his hand rest comfortingly on the small of your back. 

The nurse gives you an inquiring look, and you smile and nod in confirmation that you were doing better. 

As you approached the double doors to the ED you felt your stomach knot up once again, Jay could feel you tense next to him.

He carefully stops you, turning to face you, “Hey, you don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. People will understand.”

You look into Jay’s intensely sincere eyes, wondering how you could be so lucky to have someone like him. You felt tired but not so much that the rest of the day was a write-off, you really wanted to make sure you didn’t let this disrupt your life already, Ava couldn’t do this to you again. You shake your head, “I can do it. You’re here, I’m going to be alright.”

He smiles, leaning in to kiss you soft and slow, you rest your hand on his chest, letting the moment linger, both of you unaware of the burning eyes that watch you from down the hall.

-

End of Part 1

@dumb-fawkin-bitch

Part 2

[lnsfawwi]

unsub hotch fic idea (heid)

He killed his first victim at the age of 19. The victim was the father of a dormmate, the man had been abusing his son - physically and psychologically- since he was barely a boy. The victim was badly beaten, cause of death was a gunshot to the heart, the gun belonged to the victim himself.

The cops interviewed every acquaintance of the student. They cleared Hotch after the dormmate confirmed his alibi.

Hotch received offers from law schools all over the country, but he stayed in DC - Georgetown, just like his parents always wanted from him. By then he'd already killed 6 people. His kills were always organized, methodical, clean, and brutal.

After graduation, hotch quickly became a hotshot at the prosecutor's office. He's an intelligent and charming person with a high solving rate. People loved him.

One day, Dr. Reid from the BAU, the expert witness for a case he was handling, walked into his office and his life.

In the third week of their relationship, Reid offhandedly mentioned a serial killer the team's been trying to catch for the past 9 years. The unsub's killing abusive fathers in the DC area, as far as they knew, he's killed 14.

“He's very patient, organized and methodical, he left no evidence or witness, that led us to believe he has law enforcement background. He's a DC resident for sure, but the abduction sites&dumping sites are scattered all over the city, we're unable to produce a workable geographic profile, this again re-enforces the idea that this man most definitely has an above average intelligence. we don't have anything solid and he's too organized to slip.”

“Then how do you catch him?”

“We might never catch him. This's the job.” Reid sighed,“Besides, he's hunting abusive fathers, I don't think the families want us to find him.”

“Can you really blame them?”Hotch said,“All those abusive parents that never even got reported? Or were reported but the cops had done nothing to stop them? I have - we both have seen how fucked up the system can be sometimes.”

“He's still a murderer.” That's all reid said.

In the thirteenth month of their relationship, Reid opened up to Hotch about his childhood, about how his dad walked out on him, left him helpless with a schizophrenic mother when he was 10.

In the nineteenth month of their relationship, William Reid was shot to death in a robbery gone wrong, the bullet tore apart his left lung, he died at the scene. Vegas PD never found the perpetrater. Hotch was there at the funeral with Reid.

In the twenty fourth month of their relationship, Hotch got down on one knee and asked Reid to marry him. Reid said yes.

In the second month of their marriage, Reid asked Hotch if he wanted kids. Hotch said he’d think about it.

In the sixteenth month of their marriage, they welcomed a new member into their family. A twenty three months old boy named Jack.

By then, the killer had claimed 22 lives.

In the thirteenth month after they adopted Jack, they had their first big fight.

“You are far more committed to the BAU than you are to our son!”

“Aaron you've known me for years, you know how time consuming my job is!”

“And mine isn't?”

“Aaron that's not fair...”

“YOU wanted a child, Spence. He's not some kind of pet for your entertainment and can be thrown away after you're done with them. I practically raised him all by myself.”

“I'm already spending most of my free with him, what more do you want? for me to resign?”

“I want you to be a real father!” Hotch growled.

“I'm trying!”

“Then try harder, cuz you suck at it!”

In the twenty first month after they adopted Jack, after a particular hard case, Reid yelled at Jack for the first time, for something so trivial even his eidetic memory couldn't recall. What he could recall, was that Hotch didn't say a word to him that day, he curled up in their bedroom cried silently, his arm itched for the sweet relief.

In the thirty fifth month after they adopted Jack, Reid had to leave in the middle of Jack's birthday celebration. Hotch didn't get upset, he didn't kiss him goodbye either. Reid knew their marriage existed in name only.

He arrived at home at 6 am, Aaron'd just got up.

“Jack's got a sleepover and they'll go to the science museum today. I have a place that I want to show you.”

“sure.” Reid didn't suspect a thing. Hotch's almost annoyed.

An elite profiler who's been living with a serial killer for six years. Either he's always so ignorant to the people around him or he's too naive and trusting to look at his direction.

Hotch drove him to a remote area, there're fewer and fewer trafficing until they were the only ones left.

“I heard the abusive father killer has struck again.” Hotch prompted, “Do you guys have any leads?”

Reid shook his head, “He's slowing down but hasn't made a mistake yet. There really isn't much to go on.”

“You profiled him as a vigilante, that he believes he is delivering justice.”

“But no individual has the right to prosecute anyone, let alone execute them. You're a prosecutor you should know that better than me.”

“I also know not ever criminal's brought to justice.”

“That's why we make sure there're fewer of them.”

“You do. Your job does.” Hotch said, “I can only prosecute those who are already been charged. Those who aren't caught...My job can't do anything about them.”

“We work different capacities in the same system, Aaron. There're many people who would've walked free if weren't for you and the work you do. We're both doing our best making the society a more just place.”

“Not good enough.” then he asked, “So what's your profile on the killer?”

“We believe he's in his 30s to 40s. He's physically strong, extremely intelligent and organized. He crosses racial and socioeconomic lines, but the first 5 kills were white so we suspect he's white too. It also indicates that he's non preferential, he doesn't seek personal recognition, he takes his role as the impartial judge very seriously.

When we interviewed the families, we discovered that some of them never reported the abuse, some were never charged, since we can't seem to find a common link between them, the unsun must've some sort of law enforcement connections, he may even be a cop. JJ suggested that given his age now, he might have a family, even a kid perhaps, and he'd go to parks to observe - profile, if you will - the crowd and find his next target.

His strong desire for justice most likely stems from an extremely abusive childhood and felt like the system has failed him. He probably has a stable job in or around the justice system, he's capable so he probably is very successful. A demanding job can also explain the slowing killing rate. In his daily life, he doesn't show his anger. He's private but not isolated, likable enough to be respected for his abilities and achievements, but also distant enough so people wouldn't bug him about his weekends.

So we're looking for a middle aged white male with an alpha male personality&a successful career in the justice system, and was abused as a child in DC. Profiles are supposed to narrow the suspect pool but it just described half of the population here.” Reid chuckled bitterly, “Sometimes I feel like growing up in an environment so adverse, it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.”

“Some people?”

“I just told you the profile described half the DC, but there's only one killer. More people grow up to catch them, in one way or another.” Reid smiled at him. Hotch rarely talked about his childhood, but Reid's too familiar with the signs and scars. He knew Hotch fitted the profile, a lot men did, but he wanted to assure him that the circle could and has been broken.

Which was an laughable attempt in Hotch's opinion. “Some people grow up to be both.”

“How can...” Reid stopped as the realization suddenly downed on him. His voice was trembling when he finally asked, “Are you going to kill me?”

“I can't do that to Jack.”

“Then what do you want?”

“I want you to see.”

They finally arrived at an abandoned house, in the middle of the kitchen, a man was tied down to a chair, a gun was on the table.

“Richard McGarth, private assistant to the AG of Virginia, also an inveterate abuser. His first wife divorced him, but the second wife and the kids weren't as lucky. He's also known to sexually harass the female staff, everyone knows that but no one said a damn thing.” Hotch's tone was losing its calm as he went on, “Now tell me, how would you deal with him.”

“He's a government employee, I'll get the FBI into this, I will gather evidence, and I'll have the best prosecutor to prosecute him,” Reid looked at Hotch pointly, but Hotch didn't even blink, “and make sure he's prosecuted to the fullest extent of law. I won't MURDER him.”

Hotch just laughed, “Do you have any idea how many cover ups the FBI has done, Spence? You won't have any evidence and there won't be a case. Do you really think those people are going to let him go to court so he can sell their dirty little secrets in exchange for leniency? Wake up, Spence.”

“So you're just going to take them out one by one? How many people have you 'executed' for the past three years? two. The system is protecting god knows how many of them, you don't have enough time or power to take them out. But if you devote your focus on changing the whole system, not only can you bring them down, you'll also be sending the right message to those in need, encouraging and inspiring them. You can't uphold the law by breaking it.”

Hotch was quiet for a moment before he picked up the gun and asked, “Do you know why I shot them in the heart?”

Reid didn't. They were never able to profile that.

“My father died of a heart attack.”

“You wish thay was you.” Reid whispered.

“Can you blame me?”

“Killing them isn't the answer.”

“They deserve it.”

“It doesn't give you the inherent right to do so.” Reid was desperate. There's no way of talking him out of it, he didn't know what to do. Was he strong enough to arrest the man he loved? Or could he quell his conscience with the meager fact that those men were guilty? “Please, you don't want Jack to be raised by a serial killer.”

“Don't talk about Jack.” Hotch growled.

Reid's begging, negotiation tactics were long forgotten, his only hope was that maybe Aaron would be more susceptible to his husband,“Please Aaron, I'll do whatever you want. I'll quit, I'll be a good dad to Jack, please just let him go and I'll pretend nothing's happened. Aaron please just lower your gun...”

“Don't make promises you can't keep.”

And then there's a gunshot.

“Do you know what the worst part is?” Hotch asked the catatonic Reid, “You won't arrest me, I know you won't. Nothing here will ever be traced back to me. And even if I was ever brought to trial, even if you testified, no jury would believe a junkie.”

The last word was like a hammer smashed Reid's heart into a pulp.

“Welcome to reality, my love.”

[life-rewritten]

TRUE BEAUTY; TRUE SCARS VS FALSE MASKS

I'm actually surprised I have a new Korean drama to fall for before the end of the year. After testing out what's available, True Beauty feels like the one for me. I was going to watch it regardless of if it made me analyse because it's directed by Extraordinary You PD. I love how he shows the plot of his shows, his romances are always soft yet angsty, and they make you feel so many emotions whilst laughing and smiling and perhaps swooning over certain second leads and protagonists. After Start-Up I swore of love triangles, and yet True Beauty comes with just that, yet I'm having so much fun watching this show for the past 3 weeks, and it's been a ride. It's precisely what the title says it's focused on True Beauty. The actual meaning of beauty and perspectives on what is truly beautiful and what's not, the psychological trauma of being someone perceived as not socially pleasing to the world, and being forced to hide to survive the harsh environment. It's an emotional look into another teenage drama, full of angst, romance, self-love, and self-acceptance. I'm enjoying it a lot, and my heart has been tugged at each episode, so I'm not saying True Beauty is my full focus, but I have spoken about it here, and from episode 5 and 6, I somehow have a lot to say.  So let's get into it

True Scars vs False Masks

True Beauty episode 5 and 6 focus on the effect of PTSD and trauma symptoms which each of our main characters have to go through. Apart from Seojun, who has his own frustrations and pains connected to the overarching plot, but not as pronounced as these three.

Kyung, Suho and Soojin are triggered by certain parts of their memories, making them afraid, broken down, and self-hating. The first thing to mention when focusing on Kyung's ideology of true beauty. Kyung may think that being seen as beautiful is the only way to make her self survive her own past traumas, but the two perceived beautiful people who are praised and known for having everything by their peers,  are just as scared, suffering and hurt by the world as she is. All by the cruelty and insensitiveness of different people in their lives.

Ju Kyung: The mask of Beauty

Kyung is forced to relieve yet again her trauma as a bully victim when she bumps into the girl. The very bully that caused her to finally break down and wear her mask for protection. One thing to notice in episode 5/6  as she takes care of Seojuns sister; she realised that wearing a mask isn't the right way to live comfortably and she questions why she can't have the same confidence and inspiration in her self to be brave.  Which is what people would quickly want to say about her situation, just love your self, only trust your self, just be your self. Still, as we've seen from the past episodes, the reason is that when her mask is uncovered, and she's her true self, her past comes to find her and the people who cruelly lowered her down to nothing before their eyes, who proceeded to hurt and abuse her because of how she looks. The girl who likes to emotionally have control over Kyung's self-esteem like a leash she can't escape from,  people like her that can't stand to see Kyung be happy with her skin,  is why it's even more painful when Suho tells her that he's doing all he does for her as pity it's heart-breaking. It makes her feel even more inferior because she's being a burden to the guy, she's come to have feelings for, and it's still because of her looks in a way. Because he's the first person who knows her real face under her mask of makeup.

It’s not just the bullies that do this to her, that make her feel so ashamed and guilty for wanting to just be her self. People who she’s close to, her ex best friend betrayed her because of this issue, (to avoid being bullied) and her mother is harsh and cruel beyond words, always breaking her self esteem, ignoring her child’s plight when she could actually be of help to her, and mocking her every time just cause she isn’t smart. Her mother proceeds to not understand the real trauma in her daughter’s life, not even knowing or taking it seriously that there was a time where Kyung almost gave up everything and took her life, just because of how exhausted she was by what society was making her think about her true self. 

When Suho said that I was so agitated and disappointed. When cruel and forced to wear his own mask of coldness, Suho can be harsh and ruthless. However, it still felt problematic to me because he knows how sensitive Kyung is about her looks, how much she suffered because of it, he's the one who saw her almost choose to take her own life because of it and he's also seen her try desperate attempts to avoid it. To cruelly say it's because of pity that he's been doing all he did by her side and she's being a bother; it's upsetting and just annoying. I'm annoyed that he still refuses to communicate with her properly about it, tell her it's not because of pity and she's not a problem.

To come to her house/ accept her mother's invitation and act like he's not told her she's a burden is just upsetting and it's exhausting because she doesn't want to keep on feeling like she owes him because he's hiding her secret about her looks. It's also sad because you realise that it must have broken her heart more because when she felt she had someone on her team who saw her without her mask and chose to be there for her, help her and understand her, this same person threw her away saying she was a weight to him. When she finally felt she was able to be herself and like her self without her mask, she deserved to be free without making up, especially his last words to her before he switched himself off, was that she was beautiful without makeup. That one quote, that one stance, and one act of support for her meant everything. Yet her one source of defence and her foundation to bounce back from her worries and fears rejected her and told her she wasn't important; her presence was upsetting him.

Again Kyung is forced to think that what she needs to do to survive is to be beautiful to wear her mask; it's the only way she will be accepted. That's what Suho harsh words did to her, and despite that, she still ran to him to be his defence and protection. They both do the same thing for each other; if you notice Suho protects her always when she's at her worst broken down and without her mask of beauty. Suho is protected by her finding him and literally shielding him with her warmth and comfort letting him know he's not alone and he's understood.

Suho: The mask of Coldness

Before I focus on their dynamic though back to masks and scars. The reason why Kyung runs to Suho is where the plot for his PTSD symptoms comes in. Suho without the act is also broken, guilty and tired of people refusing to listen to him. His issue is that whilst people see his richness and privileges as a positive for him, they're his source of guilt and pain. His mask is to push people off and not expect or trust things with people, because of this he's seen as the guy who's unreachable in a good way, attractive and has it all and everyone wants his attention and needs to beg for it. His mask works for him, so he doesn't seem vulnerable, and he doesn't let people easily break him.

But we know he's exceptionally vulnerable because of the guilt of Seyeon having symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, broken and self-hating. The cruelness of the world isn't attacking him like Kyung, but it's using him as a tool to hurt others well that's what he believes anyway. His dad is powerful and intense and leads to people feeling broken as Seyeon, and they take drastic measures to end it. The school praises him and lets him get away with stuff if he gets in a scuffle but they hurt others more harshly just by looking at their background and status, they did this to Seojun when they got in a fight in episode 4.

No matter what happened, Suho has never been able to get away from the price that came with his reputation and status. It cost him so much at the end it made him lose his closest friend, and it made him lose himself to the guilt of not being able to be the person everyone wanted him to be for not being able to reach that 'divine'' Suho reputation people give him.

For him, being with him hurts people, and so he pushes Kyung away harshly and wears a mask of coldness and harshness to prevent people wanting or expecting things from him and to make sure he wallows in his guilt alone. Without his mask, Suho is just a boy lost, frightened and traumatised. He's broken by what's happened, and with Kyung not only does she help him, but she also does when they first meet.

 She unintentionally provides him with a way to speak out his feelings and save her the way he couldn't do to his friend, but also she's there for him even during times she shouldn't be; she runs and finds him, she lets him cry and breakdown, and she understands him with a few words. She knows what it's like to be afraid and broken, and she knows why it's like to feel like no one understands your pain.

Both she and Suho understand each other because they've been hurt and exhausted each time something from the past comes to remind them of the guilt of being who they are and wallowing in self-hate and disgust. It's so heartbreaking, but they both run to each other time and time again at their most needed moment.

Soo Jin: The mask of Strength

Someone else with the same issues that also proves to Kyung that the beauty she craves/ the reputation to be seen as having it all isn't great; is Soo Jin. Whilst on the surface she’s incredible, she’s powerful, fights for everyone, protects Kyung like a knight in shining armour, is protective of all her friends, uses her strengths to help others, and ensure people aren’t looked down on, or broken down. 

Soo-Jin is also put into the same situation as Kyung and Suho, she's also broken down mentally, physically and emotionally. She's had her self esteem be destroyed repeatedly; for never getting to the top except she is always on top. She's the girl who has everything, like Suho her mask is the girl who has everything sorted, she's kind but harsh to the right people, she's protective because she doesn't like bullies and cruelty. She's intelligent and also beautiful naturally as Kyung puts it.

Still, her mask of strength is unveiled when you realise she's forced to put up with a bigger bully her own father, he's cruel, abusive and degrades her by physical violence. It's heart-breaking. To have the control, she repeatedly tries to wash her hands clean to the point they're raw and dry when she stressed and terrified. When she's broken and scared, she tries to restart again, washes her hands clean and starts again making her self anew, making her mind anew, and becoming stronger. 

Her washing her hands mindlessly is the only time we see her without her mask, and no one can see her scars on the apparent parts they're hidden on her hands dry and cracked and easily misunderstood as dryness or mistake. Easily the part of the body that's not noticed at first.

Cruelty, Scars and Trauma

That's the thing with scars in this show and PTSD.  Kyung's mask covers up the acne scars that people have hurt her because of.  Yet now those scars are actively hidden under her makeup and guise of beauty, she has those external scars but also mental scars about how she looks she's been forced to a mindset where seeing her self in the mirror automatically gives her shivers, makes her terrified and go into self-hating phase. She's been forced to hide who she truly is because that was taken away from her by bullies because of her looks.' it just sucks and hurts.

Suho's mask covers his internal scars and burdens placed on him, you won't think he's broken or hurting from his past because his mask of coldness which makes everyone think he uses the status and reputation for his strength instead of loathing it. Suho's internal scars have made him become someone who's closed off, distrustful and harsh sometimes and no one understands it, they take it the wrong way, staying away from him. For example Seojun it's Suho's mask that made him think Suho was despicable and felt guiltless when in reality every single word SeoJun said to Suho about wanting him to never be happy until after he dies, about making sure he never has a good time because of Seoyeon just drives deeper with that self-hate. Disgust, Suho has for himself; it's like Seojun keeps repeatedly stabbing his wounds all over again. When he appears the issues increase even more if you've noticed, Suho's symptoms of PTSD increased because Seojun had started to actively make him go back to feeling guilty and remind him of the choice he made to push people away. Seojun playing a role in this is so upsetting, and it's made it hard for me to like his character as much as I did before.

The masks may cover up their scars in their minds and to others, but it won't make them free the way they want to be. These characters break my heart and have been through so much.

I'm loving this show. I think it gets better and more painful each episode, but it has the light moments, it touches your heart, and it makes you smile and cry so much. The romance between Suho and Kyung is also precious despite certain pauses in their growth because of their masks and miscommunications. However, the fact that they're each other's refuge to be free without their masks, to breath and to see each other the way others can't it's beautiful. Seojun's feelings for Kyung are also growing. I'm torn because I like his moments so much but thinking about emotional torment and pain he causes Suho, especially in these episodes isn't my cup of tea. Kyung sees him as a sibling right now, and I wonder if that's all she's ever goanna accept him as I actually want him and Soojin to be together at the end and Soojin is slowly getting into her role of second lead for Suho. I hope they don't use her hurt as a way to make her a villain. That's be sick if she breaks down because Suho likes Kyung not her like no let's avoid this storyline.