#past half year alone
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Leave it to managers to diligently break down the most competent and dedicated people on the workforce
#past half year alone#I've seen three people that practically carry the department buckle under the sheer stupidity of team managers#and dont get me started on hr#the problem with hospital hr is that they are not healthcare#but bring their sad corporate career mindset to fix workfloor problems they are clueless about#i wanna strangle#txt#will delete later#but hotdang
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☎️ i love natori's depressing ass apartment...
#natsume yuujinchou#natori shuuichi#matoba seiji#hexfest2k24#natomato#horrible exorcists#natsume's book of friends#star’s art#this tweet makes me laugh every time i read it i still remember seeing it and being like 🫵🫵🫵🫵 NATORI SHUUICHI#the cursephone... jsjshejrheje natori youre everything to me....#uoooaghh. i thiink this might be the last thing i can draw for the week... maybe i can do a late submission of a mini comic i really really#want to draw of his apt#but ill have to wait till school break for that probably#thank u guys for all the sweet comments on my posts.............. happy to pay my silly natomato taxes after#shipping them all alone by myself for the past two and a half years 😭😭
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Why does my mother insist my graduation is a bigger accomplishment for her and she has done more and deserves to be celebrated more than i
#Like yes nobody is trying to diminish your credit here#But this is a poor school#Like half my graduating class has single immigrant parents#Can i not have a single moment#After going through so much these past four years#Alone#With no support system#She wasn’t there for me#But first world problems#I am grateful for her nonetheless
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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pray for me please
#I HATE THIS#SAME accursed sin constantly and an astonishing inability to fight it successfully it WONT leave me alone#please pray for me this has been so frustrating and humiliating and horrible for months and years#and half the time i feel too ashamed to talk to God about it because i do such a bad job at learning from the past
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i think im finally realizing just how miserable i was these past few years... just how much i hurt myself by trying to conform to get by. if i didn't have my irl friends and all the cool people in my computer...
#i dont know how i made it out half the person i still am#i was trying to make myself as small and acceptable as possible and all i was doing was killing myself mentally#i fucking rocked miniskirts and low cut tops while being the only person in my school out as trans#but a few years later there i was having a panic attack because i forgot to cut my nails and now ppl would comment on that bc long nails#= girl [fuck that guy]#or taking weeks to hype myself up to wear black fucking nail polish#fuck i was so sad and miserable#if it wasnt for my friends & online i would count it as worse than my early teens#which like.#bad bad bad#i mean at least i was angry. at least i stood up for myself.#i made people like and respect me#or at least leave me alone#fucking hell i cant have been in a worse place these past few years than /then/#...#i had my friends and online spaces these past few years. i didnt have that back then
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literally fuck!!!
#i love my grandparents but please can i go smoke weed please#i dont even do it that often but like god when i need freedom of movement to go outside for five fucking minutes#and use my new keith haring pipe from my aunts bandmate#literally every older man in my life is giving me gear and drugs its crazy#txt#this place is locked the fuck down and everything creaks and every time i walk to the bathroom after midnight my grandma says 'you were up#late last night' like Yes So What#i have been having so much trouble getting up and i think part of that is that i dont want to have to be a person immediately when i#walk downstairs#like i genuinely need some real alone time i got so spoiled over the past few years#literally was so alone i went insane and now im like begging for solitude#or at least let me also have the benefits of beinf around people (dates new people to talk to idk a social life)#instead im 'rizzing up' a hottie from hinge that lives an hour and a half away#and my only friends are my fucking employers LOL#im going crazy#and i have no money and maybe no new years plans#and i am putting off grief#whateverrrrr
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it's literally not a good idea in any way shape or form but I want to get a second job in fast food
#it's not a good idea bc the wages are GARBAGE compared to retail#Macca's base rate for my age is less than half my sunday rate#and they don't get much beyond the base rate#whereas retail we have an incredible base rate AND more weekdays past 6pm and weekends (sat is the same as mon-fri 6pm#and sunday is significantly more)#and like yeah im not getting many shifts but if i were to ask for more I still wouldn't be able to work more than 4 hour shifts til july#bc my retail corporation is surprisingly ethical and extends the age limits by a lot#whereas my friend has a 7.5 half hour shift tomorrow AFTER school. on a week night 😁#which is actually horrifying and should nawwt be legal. thats school 9-3 (+20 min) then work 4-11:30 btw#like i should just wait til my birthday in july n ask for more shifts in retail but i want to try fast food#even though the pay is incredibly ridiculously bad (<10 AUD) (yes our adult minimum wage is a good ~23 but under 21 is a percentage of that#like the pay is so bad so i would earn the same or more doing wayy less hours than retail#but i kinda want to get the fast food experience bc it'll be more difficult to get hired as i age#bc i want to save up 20k for top surgery but at the rate im going it'll be difficult to have even thay#let alone savings after top surgery or money to get a car before#and as school gets more difficult it'll be harder to work more#so maybe i should just grind for a few months or til the end of the year then go back to retail exclusively?#and enjoy higher pay and some longer shifts?#but idkkk it's just such a dilemma bc i want more shifts than I'll get at retail but fast food pays so little#but i also really want the experience and to just try it out#im gonna. idk im gonna sit on it for a bit bc i want to get my legal name change sorted before i apply to any second jobs and that will#take a while#so i shall consider. draw up a timetable. write a pros and cons list#yes that sounds like a solid plan#whoop typo but im on mobile i meant 'wayy less hours IN retail'#oscar.exe
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unfortunately I now understand the sapphics who don't engage much with wlw content because it makes them jealous :(
#cl talks#crying screaming throwing up#bro i barely have time for friends rn let alone dating#just gotta make it till graduation...#lesbian#wlw#sapphic#aspec lesbian#you know what. i think this is partially fueled by fear of being left alone in an allonormative society.#my self-acceptance has gone through the wringer for the past year and a half. I think that's where all my problems are coming from#UGH
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You know I actually never realized this before-- so you remember how tri. retconned Original Chosen fighting and defeating Apocalymon into them fighting the Dark Masters instead? (To be fair it is possible they could've ALSO fought Apocalymon afterwards but that isn't the Epic Final Showdown tri. decided to depict so it's borderline a retcon)
If the Original 5 Chosen fought and defeated the Dark Masters once in the distant past, doesn't that mean that
A) They survived and hid for just a few thousand years until they came back for a Round 2 at conquering the world
B) They died, were reborn, and THEN went for the Round 2
You know I've just DYING with curiosity, desperately wanting to know if any of the villians in Adventure would ever be reborn after Adventure, right. Because according to the lore they should, right (unless their data was like somehow absorbed by Apocalymon and destroyed along with him (though that would still leave Piemon as an exception (and Vamdemon but we all know what happened to him) and the sole survivor))
And what tri. has essentially done is confirm that most of them should, in fact, be reborn sooner or later
But that just raises the question of if Apocalymon was lowkey driving the Dark Masters nuts (as suggested by the novels), and if tri. was kind of about destroying the last remnants of Apocalymon's data (within Meicoomon), if they were reborn this time would they be free of Apocalymon's influence
If so, would their third (?) lives then turn out different? Would they still try to take over the world all over again for funsies (this time just without Apocalymon giving them power etc), or were they just the same as Ken was in Zero Two? I mean Apocalymon was supposed to be a spawn of Milleniummon and Ken was infected with Mille's malice directly, so while it may have been a bit filtered it was still the same source of malice and corruption, right
And like regardless of how their next lives would turn out, shouldn't the kids (OR AT THE VERY FUCKING LEAST GENNAI) like realize that this is going to happen eventually and like. Go and see if they can find them (either as their pre-Ultimate forms or even when they're still in their Eggs) and try to figure out what to do BEFORE shit hits the fan
I JUST
#Sorry I'm rewatching the second half of Adventure while working (it improves my focus actually) and#Oh the brainworms are real#Text post#I'm sorry I'm just thinking about Pinocchimon. My sweet poor murder child just needed friends 😭#But even if he was reborn without the craving for blood- who would be friends with him. After all he did in his past life#Who would want to be friends with him. Who would forgive him#IS HE GONNA BE DOOMED TO BE ALONE FOREVER. I'M 😭😭😭#Meanwhile for all we know Piemon is still stuck in that other dimension 10 years later lmao#Depending on if tri.'s reboot ever affected him at all or not because god fucking knows we'll never find out#(Or if he even COULD be affected by the reboot to begin with. God knows Wizarmon seemed to be fucking IMMUNE to it)#(Even though it was supposed to reset EVERYBODY)#But also that could have horrifying implications too if Piemon was just left to cook overnight with a part of Apocalymon#Like Apocalymon is just a collection of grudge and hate from Digimon who've gone extinct right#What's stopping that part of Apocalymon from just restarting the collection of hatred and grudge all over again#This time using Piemon as a vessel to just contain it#Like Apocalymon came from beyond the Wall of Fire to begin with so it's not like dimensional barriers should stop him either#I mean the good news is that there probably haven't been that many Digimon species that've gone extinct after Adventure#But still kids. Y'all might have a timebomb on your hands#Edited to remove some of excessive cursing lmao. I was feeling very intense when writing this sorry lmao
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bro I will never forgive society for deciding that we can’t wear sweatpants to work
#cowboy.speaks#I just loaded 100+ lb bins into a van#in business casual#CRIMINAL#like at least athletic wear should be allowed if you expect me to do physical labor 💀 huh??#also#I do hope the people who work in the ticket office are at least a little impressed at my butch ass whippin this van#and constantly loading and unloading it#update to add that as soon as I got back 2 different men offered to help me unload the van like I didn’t load that shit in there by myself??#which like is sweet but cmon let’s be fr#i’ve been doing this shit by myself for the past year#to that note- my boss noticed me unloading it alone after I turned down his help and he was like ‘are you alone? 👁️👄👁️’#like ya homie?? this is half my job I do this all the time ���#I do however wish I had short sleeves I am toasty now
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#THIS IS SO CARLOS AND TEEKAYYYYYY HELPPPP#been sobbing over it for the past two weeks#the way i get shocked every time i rediscover a song from my tarlos playlist as if i didn't put it in there myself#it's just sooooo- this is them under the northern lights. this is them after the condo burned down. this is them in the loft late at night#in those early days after the murder. this feels so them in that past year and half when carlos would have a bad night and breakdown#and tk being by his side holding him through it 😖#tarlos#music tag#finneas#die alone#Spotify
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Anxiety meds are truly a miracle drug. I’m reading fan fiction alone in a restaurant, I have two assignments due at midnight and a meeting in an hour, I’m hydrated, moisturized, in my lane, etc. whatever the kids say
#this is a lie actually. mostly#I am not hydrated or moisturized. I should’ve ordered a water#and I AM quite stressed about the stuff I have to do tonight but not like actively freaking out like I would’ve in the past#also I’m getting my food to go so I’m just kind of. waiting for it#not eating alone#at least not in public lol I WILL be eating alone in my cozy bedroom ☝️#but surprisingly chill about being in a restaurant alone just. minding my own business#this would NOT have been achievable like half a year ago#maybe it’s also bc I’m more used to living alone and doing stuff on my own now#but idkkkkkk#ANYWAY I’M RAMBLING to procrastinate on driving home and doing my hw lol#ellyposting
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"have you eaten?" "yes" i said, like a liar
#vent#ed tw#i havent been coping very well and i've been lying to my parents about my disordered eating in these past few days#i did have breakfast. and a chamomile. and a plain tofu burger. about 7 hrs ago#couldn't bring myself to eat anymore because i just. cant#i had a panic attack earlier and another one yesterday and im drained because i havent had this many in a row in years#and if im reverting back to how i was a decade ago im killing myself this time without a question because now i know how it goes#i feel like nothing could ever fix the situation im in in general in life and just thinking about it is sending me into a panic again#i feel so alone yet so overwhelmed and so stupid and so tired of everythibg#tomorrow i have breakfast with my friends and i cant just not eat because they will absolutely force me to#like theyve been around long enough to just know without asking too many questions but still making sure i eat#also i didnt plan anything for lunch and my fridge is half empty bc i didnt have the physical strength to go grocery shopping#so i have i think yoghurt bananas tofu burgers and water#also one tomato. just checked#im so tired i want to die and not out of despair but out of exhaustion#like. i did what i had to do in this life. failed miserably. seen enough. i dont think being here for any longer would be fun#sorry if you followed me via ao3. i vent a lot here. sorry.#being an adult with these issues that teens usually have is mortifying. genuinely
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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I'm genuinely so excited for gencon, it made me do my homework early and I'm gonna do my exam today. So that it won't risk getting in the way of gencon.
Things I'm going to do that I'm most excited about:
Combat Classes for: sword, knife, longsword, saber, kendo, And rogue stage fighting
Introduction to dice making class
Panel on Eberron With Keith Baker AND it'll give out a commemorative d20 as part of it
Panel with critical role artists (not the players themselves, but people who work on the comics and such)
TAZ book launch event for the latest comic book WITH copies of said comic book handed out as part of it
McElroy TTRPG liveplay panel
Signing & selfie with the McElroys (Minus Justin lol)
And those are just the panels!!! Not even all of them. I also have panels for making a hollow book box, making a dice set bracelet, and a panel on gamemaster & writing (specifically bridging between being a gamemaster and being a writer, which is great for me, the writer who wants to gm at some point)
There's also going to be the merch room (so many DIIIIIICE) and assorted other open things. The biggest tabletop gaming convention in North America!!!!!!! I'm PUMPED!!!!!!!!!
#speculation nation#im still a little sad the critical role players wont be here this year. theyve attended in the past.#but that's ok!! still plenty of other things to do. and im excited about meeting the mcelroys in person hfkshfkd#actually a little nervous about that one. i havent been as interactive with their stuff in recent years#but im still an old TAZ fan and have enjoyed their stuff since 2016. that's so long ago!!!! i'm gonna die!!!!!#hfkshfkd my thursday is the most busy. 7 panels that day alone. out of a total of 15 across 4 days.#aka i have Almost half of all my panels just in one day. i will be a busy bee. thats why im gonna pack food lol.#im just vibrating. my first gencon!!! it's so exciting!!!#and im excited about getting personal experience with combat forms for enriching my action writing#and im excited about getting a preview for dice making bc that's smth ive wanted to get into for years now!!!!#and im also just thinking about how many Fucking dice there will be. my personal wonderland.#my sister mentioned that there will be a section for miniatures Specifically the maps that will be used in games later#which will be so fun to look at. i love looking at cool miniature models.#im going to be kind of obnoxious maybe hfkshfkd so im sorry if ppl dont care about my con happenings.#but i havent been to a convention since 2019 and i am EXCITED!!! WAHOO!!!!!!!
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