#partially because i’m still off my adhd meds

[ghostzzy]

for the record, week 3 of top surgery recovery is way worse than week 1 or week 2, even though i am healing very well physically.

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

[solarianvoidthearoace]

So a few months back, actually, I retroactively realised I was straight-edge for a while – before I even found out it was a distinct subculture lifestyle

I was “straight edge” from 19-20 and then between 21 and 23

I didn’t know it was even a subculture, I’m just an asexual who’s not interested in smoking and is mildly paranoid about drinking alcohol (the break in my streak is because I stupidly got myself a boyfriend for less than a year)

I’m European and as such the drinking age in my country is below 18, actually

So I did drink alcohol occasionally between ages 15 and 19 before I decided sometime during my 19th year that I don’t want to risk it with the alcohol

I’m mentally ill and I got somewhat paranoid about that meaning I have a tendency/ predisposition to become an alcoholic, plus I just never go out to discos/ parties, so I didn’t really have a reason to drink – especially during the Covid lockdowns

I had distanced myself from alcohol and never got into the “party scene” as young adults do

Getting a boyfriend was a lapse of judgement on my part and in hindsight I’d rather have kept up my streak of being Straight Edge than waste my time on that guy

Aaaaanyhow, I even made it 2 1/2 years before I had a glass of wine again (I was visiting my parents and my mom wanted to have a glass after dinner)

Though I have to concede I probably should be keeping my distance from alcohol anyway due to the 3 psych meds I’m dependent on – I’m only on antidepressants and methylphenidate hydrochloride (for ADHD) buuuuut still, doesn’t mix too well with alcohol but a bottle of wine on occasion is fine, imo

So since I’m not 100% alcohol-free and willing to drink on occasion, I can’t call myself straight edge anymore

And once again I’m back on the topic of whether I can rightfully call myself punk, although two bloggers I follow and respect a lot (one here, one on FB) both said from what I told I do sound like an activist

That’s the thing I am mostly worried about, whether my activism counts because I’m a “keyboard warrior” and don’t go attend protests/ events

I’m outspoken about being disabled, I’m outspoken and loud about being queer, and I’m outspoken (and loud) about being mentally ill…

I’m visible.

Partially because I found, over the years, that I can’t not be visible.

I always stand out, I’m always the weird one, the odd one out. The only way I can fit in is by being quiet, keeping quiet. Because I don’t know how to mask in a way that won’t set people off about me being off.

And with the joint splints/ support bandages and walking cane, it’s not like I can be invisible about that.

And as for being queer… I’m aromantic asexual. I’m an oriented aroace, yes, but that’s where my gender factors in.

I’m agender-genderqueer and that little binaryness that is there is decidedly masc-in-nature. I have used MINgender, masculenby, transneumasc, more or less interchangeably.

Point being: the closest relation I have to the gender binary is on the masculine side of things.

And since I know I have a preference for queer men, I would say ‘m-spec vincian’ describes my orientation.

But whatever you’re picturing me like in your head right now, I don’t look the part.

I pass as a perfectly average young woman, albeit with bright green hair (blue can’t work with my natural color-undertones)

I don’t look punk, I don’t look emo, hell, I barely look queer.

To me, personally, being punk is defined by being proactive, being contrarian, being anti-establishment

Don’t get me wrong, my go-to playlist is alternative metal, punk rock, pop punk, postcore, metalcore, emocore, alternative rock and then some

But I’m not interested at all in going to live music events; even if I won concert tickets, I’d hand them over to my cousin and his friends who’d be more than happy

I just don’t like live music or live events, I’m too autistic and my auditory processing disorder isn’t helping

Reading this it probably sounds like I’m begging for validation… no, I actually got that from those two bloggers after explicitly stating I just don’t think I’m punk enough, no need for encouraging words

But hey, come hell or high water, I’m content with who I am (even if I forget that sometimes)

I have come a long way and I’m only 24 now

I am who I am, fuck the haters

And if my chronic joint pains turn out to be early onset rheumatism, it’s putting a name to a condition I have had for years; my walking cane looks cool anyway

[dystopiandilfs]

As usual I've had multiple asks about my opinion on something. This time it's the Mask Music video, more specifically "The normal pills" so here we go once again. This is also going to include bits about Anthony’s interview with Dream so if you haven’t seen it you might not be aware of somethings.

Disclaimer: This is going to include mental illnesses, v*mitting talk, eating disorders, medication, anxiety and similar topics so if you’re sensitive to any of these probably avoid this post. This also isn’t me talking for Dream or speculating things about him or his ADHD.

First off I’m so happy Dream is finally comfortable enough to talk about his ADHD openly as well as clearly doing his research. For a lot of NT people they might not understand how important it is for someone with such a big platform to be open and honest about mental illness and the struggles that come with it. Previously Dream would put down a lot of ADHD symptoms to him being tired or having an off day or being dumb. Which obviously sometimes that can be the case but mental illnesses affect people’s “normal” functions a lot more than they think. Dream finally using terms like “fixation” and being open about struggles like medication and setbacks is amazing to see. 

To clear some things up as a lot of people having been critical about Dream talking about not taking medication, everyone has a different experience with ADHD so just because someone doesn’t take pills it doesn’t mean they can’t help someone else. 

(you can skip this paragraph if you don’t care about me and are just here for Dream it doesn’t really add my Dream opinion but it’s an alternative view of ADHD and medication)I personally can’t take pills for any of my illnesses because of have a fear of choking and being sick so whilst taking pills might help my ADHD it will bring up my anxieties. On top of that I have a rare eating disorder where I am restricted to 5 safe foods and physically can’t eat/drink anything else. (It’s called ARFID for the people who have previously asked) Also to make it worse I have Hyperosmia (super strong sense of smell), Phantosmia (can smell things that aren’t real, like entering a random room and it smelling like chicken) and Hypergeusia (fucked up sense of taste) so basically I smell and taste things that don’t exist as well as taste almost all individual ingredients in food (like a smoothie I can pick out every ingredient) so I physically can’t take medication. 

So medication affects people differently depending on the person. For Dream taking pills calms his ADHD and helps him focus but it messes up his creative thoughts and in a way “sucks the happiness out of him”. So for Dream it’s either take medication to slow down the brain but he’s lowkey bored or don’t take the medication and have his brain going super fast but he also has things that keep him happy and occupied. 

Regarding the “normal” part a lot of people are upset about that mostly because they don’t understand. When I was diagnosed with ADHD they offered me medication and said it would “help me and my brain function normally” obviously it’s not meant in a harmful way however it gives the impression that ADHD isn’t normal and if you have ADHD then something is wrong with you. A lot of people seem to think this is Dream “telling” people that medication doesn’t help, which if he was it would be understandable to be mad about however I personally didn’t take it as “essential oil Facebook mum propaganda” but as something that he was told as a child. I personally think the reason he had that little detail was because even though it’s an offhanded comment it can definitely impact you so much and I think that a bit of Dream’s brain still thinks that. 

(This is a big example using cc’s as well as my own opinion on how taking medication can benefit some. It’s not important so you can stop reading the post if you’re not interested as this is the final paragraph. It adds a bit to the conversation but isn’t life changing it’s basically another explanation for NT using content creators to make it easier) A lot of mental disabilities either clash or combine with each other so medication can obviously help. However it depends on the person. Let’s use Techno as an example. Him and Dream have a lot of similarities from things like height and age to them both having ADHD. I know Techno has previously mentioned taking medication for ADHD and I think he still does. Compare that to Dream who doesn’t take medication for his. Obviously they can have different levels of ADHD but for this explanation they have the exact same ADHD. So this is two very similar people with ADHD one takes medication to help his ADHD and the other doesn’t. Personally I think Techno’s calmness and monotone is partially down to taking medication and I think that if Dream was to take medication it would also make him more calmed and “bland”. In my personal opinion Dream on medication would be a completely different person and not in a good way. Similiarly I think that Techno without medication would make him a lot more like Karl. 

TLDR; IF YOU GOT UPSET AT DREAM REFERRING TO MEDICATION AS NORMAL PILLS AND YOU’RE NT SHUT THE FUCK UP. IF YOU’RE ND HERE’S A BIT OF EXPLANATION FROM SOMEONE WITH ADHD WHO CAN’T TAKE MEDS.

Crazy timing as I was about to post this, Dream made a tweet referring to people getting genuinely mad about the medication and ADHD thing

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Adderall

So, a week and a half ago I FINALLY got my adult ADHD diagnosis and I finally got on Adderall. What is to follow is personal and only read if your interested, otherwise, have a nice day. 

(I got diagnosed with a bunch of other scary shit but I been knew all of it and it tracks for the trauma I’ve been through so I wasn’t surprised) 

Anyway, so my psychiatrist has me on a small 5 mg a day dose that I take in the morning. 

So before Adderall, here was my day-

Wake up at 8, get my daughter to school by 8:20-8:30, come home and have a 50/50 chance of going back to sleep till 11 or noon or sit on the couch in a daze/heavy mental fog until about noon or 1pm. By 3, I realize I have half an hour before my kid get’s home from school and shit, I need to do something with my day before my husband harps on me for being a lazy slob sitting on my ass on the couch all day and doing jack squat (hello executive dysfunction) and by 4, my daughter is off the bus, I gotta get something ready for dinner, eat between 5:30-7 AND THEN my brain wakes up. At 8pm my mental fog clears, I have energy, I can write coherantly and can do things and I’ve gained momentum. 

Problem was- I have to go to sleep by 9-10pm so I can wake up at 8 the next morning. 

My natural circadian rhythm is being awake from noon to 3-4am and then sleep the rest of the time. and my “Sweet spot” for getting stuff done, house chores, writing, all of that happens between 10pm-3am. Which is impossible for me to achieve and still be a “normal functional adult”. 

So in order to “function” on my husband’s and my daughter’s life schedule I have to be very, very heavily medicated to go to sleep just as my brain is waking up and building up steam and momentum. So much so that if I am not in bed by the time my meds hit, I will pass out wherever I am. And I take doses that would put any other person into a coma for at least three days, but I take it on a nightly basis and it STILL takes an hour to an hour and a half to finally succumb to the sleep. (if anyone wants to know exactly what I take and in what doses, let me know)

So now that I’ve been on Adderall for a week- here how it has drastically changed my life. 

Wake up at 8, take Adderall by 8:15, I fully wake up but 8:30-8:35 and I’m alert and the fog clears by 8:50 and by 9am, I’m doing house chores and writing and getting shit done and getting things taken care of and it’s great, a process that normally takes most of my day is now shortened down to barely an hour, 45 minutes. 

Here’s where it sucks. 

Adderall, for me, wears off at 3pm. Normally when I would be “waking up” my brain is wearing down and shutting down and by 4 I am STRUGGLING. just trying to make dinner and trying to jump start my system and trying to recapture that momentum. 

By 6-7pm I get very aggrivated and very frustrated with myself because there’s still more shit I want to do but the go juice is empty and I can not make myself do much of anything. I try to focus on something that usually soothes me- like knitting or crocheting or writing or refilling my many fountain pens. Nope- all those tasks that once brought me joy, get on my nerves, make me frustrated and aggrivated because I can’t fucking FOCUS ON JACK SHIT. 

And by 8, my brain and my body are BEGGING, and I mean BEGGING, PLEADING, throwing a tantrum to go to sleep. I went to bed at 7:30pm because I was especially tired and very cranky bitchy the other night and was out by 8:15 and woke up at 8 feeling great and then proceeded to have a very nice rest of my day. 

I did not expect myself to get so ANGRY when the Adderall wears off. 

Is this normal? Is the anger part normal for anyone else? Like I’m partially afraid that if I tell my psychiatrist that I get HANGRY but without the hunger part when it wears off, she’ll pull me off of it completely and I don’t want that. I went through hell just getting this diagnosis and it’s helping but not enough. I’m supposed to meet with her again in a month. We’ll see how it goes from there. 

[candle-jill]

10 days post op!

Just a rambling post about my breast reduction - trying to vent out my feelings about everything. The first week was SUCH a blur, it's crazy. I thought for sure I could chill and watch movies (mark off some from my Hader list - by the way - I only have 40/225!!!). Turns out my brain was broken after surgery. Partially from anesthesia but also partially because I wasn't taking my adderall. I know stimulants can cause issues with circulation and I was not about to be even more paranoid about losing my nips.

But the last two days I've been taking my adderall and I've been feeling so much better. I don't even want to think about my brain fog just being the way my head works without adderall - that thought is terrifying.

ANYWAY

2 lbs of boob meat gone.

I weighed 150 lbs today and I was so excited. Initially back in Feb/March when I started treatment for ADHD I was 172 lbs and I had 155 lbs as my "goal" weight that I'd be pretty happy with. 145 lbs was my "Wow! That would be totally amazing but I'm not holding my breath!" weight. And to think I'm 5 lbs away from that is just crazy to me. It's been a long journey to get here and adderall definitely helped a LOT, but it wasn't all appetite suppression - I'm a really picky eater and I don't like most food, but a lot of my calories were coming from candy and junk food because I needed the dopamine hit that my ADHD brain wasn't giving me. On a stimulant I don't even think about sugar or junk food (until the med wears off). I cut so many calories because I wasn't craving a dopamine hit. The appetite suppressant aspect helped a lot too, especially in the beginning, but now "food wise" I'm probably eating the same I always was.

The extra 2 lbs of boob meat helped push me closer to dipping into the 140s (SO CLOSE!) which makes me want to cry happy tears. I just feel like getting my body back to pre-kids has been such a long journey. Being on medication to make me feel like I'm finally functioning how I'm SUPPOSED to makes me want to cry happy tears. Having a body without large breasts constantly LITTERALLY weighing me down, causing me pain, makes me want to cry happy tears.

Like... I'm 10 days post-op and I know I have a long healing journey yet... but I'm thinking about all the things I'll be able to do now and I feel so much hope and excitement for my future. Any activity with my kids was laced with the underlying negotiation of, "Can I handle the pain of this today?" PHYSICAL pain (also the general 'pain in the ass' dealing with kids is 😂).

I'm wearing the tiniest little "bra" - I have incisions all around my chest - BUT I can MOVE. I'm exhausted from surgery still so I'm not doing much, but I'll have the ability to do it! It's fucking wild. Not to mention... my boobs fucking look awesome! I've never liked my boobs (I wasn't insecure but wasn't happy). But now? They're going to look so good when they heal! They are small... they are SO SMALL. They are WAY smaller than I really wanted or smaller than what I think looks good for the way I carry my weight (all in my stomach). But they're symmetrical and the nips have the perfect placement (a lot of reductions have them too high), they look natural... like... he did a fucking amazing job. I've been feeling a bit gaslighted about the size of my boobs from some people. A lot of people have said that it's just because I went from such a large size to being small. No. No, my friend. That is not the case here. I'm a very objective person. I gots some small boobies now. They're a step up from pecs. Optimistically, they're slightly bigger than what they do for a NB reduction... although, I've seen results of NB reductions at my size too. I don't really appreciate people telling me they're not small to assuage my fears. I'm not in a place where I regret having it done. I'm not in a place where I'm in love with the size. I appreciate the positives that come with having small boobs and I'm going to try to use that as motivation to get the rest of my body to look how I want it (ie stomach). My truly ideal, very very very happy goal weight would be 135 lbs. (120 lbs in a crazy fantasy land). My goal is to start exercising around January once I'm more properly healed (maybe New Year Resolution). To think that's even remotely within range... mind blown. I just want to be in shape and I want to feel good and comfortable with what I'm wearing. I want clothes to fit me. I'm looking forward to life for the first time in a LONG time!

[firepiplup]

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

[neworleansspecial]

Accidents Happen (The Med Groupchat)

Part Eight - Previous Parts and this one available on AO3

crickett: it was an accident i swear i didnt mean to i didnt

Nat: @Ethan Choi @connor can one of you take his phone

connor: he’s nonverbal rn

Bekker: Has anyone heard what happened?

Dr. Lanik: According to the paramedics, Crockett’s car was stationary. They were sitting inside, not driving, because it was cold. They were eating and smoking when a drunk driver hit them from behind. They were near the cliff side, so their car fell about ten feet before getting caught on the rocks and first responders rescued them. 

Dr. Lanik: Crockett has a moderate head injury and some scrapes and bruises. Maggie is stable with an open fracture of the radius, closed rib fractures. Sarah has broken glass injuries and a shoulder dislocation. Elsa is the worst off with a head injury we’re still controlling the bleeding of, a partial pneumothorax. 

crickett: didnt mean to

connor: he’s being evaluated for shock right now. it doesn’t help that he’s still high. 

Bekker: Sarah too. It’s making her calm at least. 

Ethan Choi: He’s probably never going to smoke again

FreeWilly: is that really what ur worried about 

Ethan Choi: That’s not what I meant

crickett: didnt see the car

Bekker: We know, honey. It’s not your fault. 

no-ah: is everyone going to be okay?

April: Physically, it looks like it. Elsa is in a rough place but I’m sure she’ll be fine. 

-

Crockett: didnt see the car i didnt mean to

Crockett: was driving

Crockett: foot on the brake 

Crockett: no i was 

Crockett: accident

- 

Other Bekker: my hands have been released from prison

Bekker: (plastics pulling the glass out of them and bandaging/stitching where necessary)

no-ah: do you remember what happened?

Other Bekker: most of it

Other Bekker: its not @crickett’s fault 

Other Bekker: the other driver had a 0.13 BAC on the scene, and crockett wasn’t even driving. he wouldn’t until he sobered up a little 

Ethan Choi: I called his outpatient center and they suggested returning to inpatient for a few days for his safety while he processes this.

Other Bekker: is that what crockett wants

Ethan Choi: It’s what he needs

Other Bekker :/

Dr. Lanik: Elsa is awake!

Nat: That’s good! How is she?

Dr. Lanik: A bit disoriented, but that’s to be expected. Her waking up is a really good sign. The chest tube is in place and we have her on supportive care. 

April: I’m glad everyone will be okay

no-ah: and hows mags

Maggie<3: I’m okay, they’re taking me to surgery

no-ah: good luck !

crickett: iwanndhohiewnalredyitguers

Nat: ???

FreeWilly: I speak high he wants to go home and hes in pain

Nat: That raises more questions than it answers 

Ethan Choi: What hurts?

Dr. Lanik: I’ll come give him another checkup, see if I can’t figure out what’s going on

connor: probably a headache from the head injury

Dr. Lanik: Probably but better safe than sorry. I’d rather rule out anything else. 

- 

Dr. Marcel: head

Dr. Marcel: like gyutar 

Dr. Marcel: sleep?

-

April: Good morning everyone, how are you all feeling?

Queen Elsa: Like I got hit by a bus <3

Other Bekker: it was a four door sedan actually

Queen Elsa: That’s not helpful 

Other Bekker: :)

Maggie<3: I’m doing good, just sore. 

Ethan Choi: I took Crockett to his hospital today, he’s inpatient for five days, longer if he’s a threat to himself or his sobriety

Other Bekker: hot take but did he agree

Dr. Lanik: We spend so much time talking about Crockett

FreeWilly: theres always something to talk about with him you know

Bekker: on another note, we’re hosting a movie party next week if anyone’s interested. Kid friendly for our daughter. Disney movies, no alcohol, lots of food.

Queen Elsa: I’ll be there! I love disney

Queen Elsa: If I’m out of the hospital

April: You probably will be @QueenElsa

connor: @OtherBekker Crockett didn’t want to go at first but he eventually agreed it was best. he’s allowed to have his phone and if he passes three evals in a row, he can check out. he failed this morning’s eval obviously

no-ah: i worry about him

connor: don’t, besides, he wouldn’t like that 

Queen Elsa: how ever will we be stuffed with his home cooking? /s

Dr. Lanik: What’s /s

Queen Elsa: It means I’m being sarcastic or making a joke, since tone doesn’t always come over text

Dr. Lanik: That’s such a good idea? 

Queen Elsa: It really is, and it’s really helpful for neurodivergent and anxious people, like me.

Other Bekker: solidarity

Dr. Lanik: What’s neurodivergent?

Queen Elsa: It describes someone who has an “abnormal” (I don’t think that’s the best word?) development or brain function. Basically it just means that your brain doesn’t function the same way as most people. I’m neurodivergent because I’m autistic. 

Other Bekker: me too because I have ADHD. and Crockett.

Dr. Lanik: Oh. I’m neurodivergent.

Other Bekker: neurodivergent squad

crickett: adhd/ocd babey

Bekker: Does OCD count?

Queen Elsa: Depends who you ask but most people say yes

Nat: I’ve literally never heard of this 

crickett: point and laugh it’s a nt

Queen Elsa: (NT means neurotypical, which is someone who isn’t neurodivergent)

Queen Elsa: That’s not very nice Crockett.

crickett: natalie isn’t very nice to me about being nd so 

Dr. Lanik: Oh?

connor: to be fair Nat you’re kinda rude about stuff that’s out of people’s control

Nat: Why am I being attacked right now?

Other Bekker: you’re not lmao

Dr. Lanik: Let’s all take a deep breath and calm down. 

FreeWilly: That’s a yikes from me

Maggie<3: I’ve never heard of that stuff, thank you Elsa.

Queen Elsa: No problem. I have some good websites for reading if anyone cares.

Dr. Lanik: DM them to me please 

no-ah: I think I might be neurodivergent

crickett: squad goals

Other Bekker: never met a neurotypical friend group, always most of ems got to be divergent

-

Dr. Lanik: Thank you, I didn’t know that there’s a whole… community, if that makes sense?

Elsa Curry: Yeah no problem. I didn’t know until I was in college, and I joined a club for Autistic people like me. It’s really nice to talk to people who understand what it’s like and have shared experience. 

Dr. Lanik: Are there organizations like that for adults? As in, ones for people like me?

Elsa Curry: Probably! You can look it up online and I’ll keep an eye out for something you might like. 

Dr. Lanik: Thank you.

[izzy-b-hands]

Retyping that vent post from earlier because this is all still rattling me and making it hard to focus. Will add a cut later when I'm on my laptop, tagging like wild for now, let me know if y'all need any tags added!

So my doctor wants me to try meds again for my anxiety and depression. Because A. I won't be able to escape my toxic work and family environments any time soon and B. All of my friends online and brickspace are usually (and understandably may I say) too busy to talk much with me these days, so the loneliness too is getting...bad again. Personally I feel I'm being a nuisance if I push too much to talk to ppl, my doctor thinks I just need to go for it. Maybe we're both partially right, who knows.

And I'm terrified of trying meds again. When I was on them around 11-12 yrs old, they zombified me and made the suicidal ideation so much worse.

My doctor claims all these different meds have come a long way and that I'll 'be surprised' but like

I mean my PCP sucks so I have to hope the doctor handling my T is willing to Rx this supposed magic pill for me (because my therapist also said she thinks it'll help curb my issues with alcohol, when we touched briefly on that and like??? What?? I need to get how I use and when I use alcohol under control, no pill is going to do that for me.) She also gave me homework of researching what meds I want to try which is also ???!!!! Like I get it this is America and doctors leave a lot of that to patients but I would much rather not? I have until September now to find a drug that doesn't interact with the T or my allergy med but really?? I feel super uncomfortable with it because I'm scared to take anything at all. This is one case where research isn't going to help me feel better.

And we spent so long with her talking about that stuff that I barely had a minute to ask her about the ADHD testing. She's putting it off again, because??? I have no idea, especially considering she keeps saying how likely it is to be comorbid with my ASD. I feel like that could also influence the meds thing, but I guess that's my problem now and the doctors are just...not gonna deal with it lmao (lmao here meaning fuck me I'm scared.)

We also didn't get to touch on another thing that I had really wanted to talk about, how I feel like people in my life want me to hide or ignore my sexuality and it's just...frustrating and makes me feel weird. Like, example, before I came out as trans, my mum could and would giggle over guys with me. Just a little dorky thing, made me happy, felt like bonding, ya know?

But now, if I try and mention any attraction she either ignores me or 'doesn't want to hear about my sex life' which is A. Non-existent and B. Me saying 'oh so and so is the cutest!' isn't my fucking sex life???

And like yeah, I deal with hypersexuality but it never comes out in convos with her, or even with friends (unless those friends and I are having a consenting, explicit convo abt our sexual attraction to this or that guy, and even then I police myself so hard so that I'm not oversharing or coming off weird to them, to the point that I usually just stop contributing to the convo and drop out of it.) I work very hard to make sure I'm only venting abt that here and tagging it, or venting to my doctor (who always just shrugs and says some ppl have a higher sex drive so I guess that means there's nothing wrong with me at least??? Because I don't feel like it's something wrong but I feel like no one trusts me to know myself so...yeah.)

And it's just...difficult sometimes? Like I feel like there's no safe place for me to be fully open about my romantic and sexual attraction to guys because my doing so either A. Alienates others B. Makes them feel weird (shout out to my grandparents here who told me they don't 'mind the gay stuff but don't talk about it if I can help it', said to me after I complimented an old HS friend we were talking about for growing into his looks and doing well in life, not even talking abt being attracted to him because I'm not!!) or C. It seems like they just don't want to hear anything from me unless it interests them personally completely (@ my mum on this one, big time.) Like half the time I'm just talking abt like fantasy crushes on musicians/actors that literally do not know I exist and likely wouldn't care if they did and just going 'oh he's so cute and talented' and some folks in my life act like I just said I wanted him to bend me over and raw me at the next family reunion (and maybe I would be fine with him bending me over, but at an appropriate time and place and certainly nowhere near my family!!!)

And it's like...okay fine, but I need somewhere to be free to talk. Even on here, I police myself because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable, and this is basically my only safe place to talk and vent aside from my doctor (and she seems to be more and more waving away any concerns I have each session.)

I'm not trying to upset or gross anyone out when I talk abt these attractions, I'm just...me, a person, human. I want love and respect and sex and care and to give love and have it given to me and to connect with someone, just as other people do (not everyone wants all the same of course, but some variety of things like this or along the line of it.) I'm even worried abt posting this even though it's just me venting??

I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of feeling like too much and not enough and like I somehow exist wrong and cause everyone I know issue when I interact with them. I keep trying to find ways to fix it, to grow and better and kinder and learn, and I feel like I'm somehow just getting it all wrong.

[ofcamerasflashing]

bipolar disorder ( adhd ) . self harm . gad . various treatments.

Please read those words carefully as it might be triggering.  Didn’t go into vivid detail in any area but there are mentions.   This is me taking part in  @prcgressively‘s mental health questionnaire in writing.  This is meant to be a personal experience thing.  Please don’t reblog this !  You can comment on it or anything but that’s it.  

what were / are your formal diagnoses & how do you feel about them?

Both GAD and bipolar disorder are  both formal diagnosed things for me.

how old were you & what led up to your diagnosis?

So for ADHD  (when I was a small child)  it was likely that I was around 6/7 years old.  I was a small kid so it wasn’t something BIG thing I remember?  More like it was something I was always diagnosised with in my mind.  Self harm started in my teenage years (Can’t give an exact age),  and well,  Bipolar disorder is the recent diagnosis for me. I was 21 when I got that one diagnosised. I wasn’t diagnosied with it until I was in the hospital.

is there a common stigma you face about your diagnoses?

That bipolar disorder is JUST MOOD SWINGS.  Oh my gosh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that it was just my mood swinging left or right.  With anxiety there is the “YOU ARE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.” thing ? The why can’t you just shut it off?

what are your most common anxieties that you experience & what do those thoughts look like?

Talking to people?  Asking questions at stores.  Just panic about anything from a loud noise to worried about my life and how I’m not exactly like other adults my age.

how do you think your experience is unique having both bipolar & anxiety? do they clash or balance each other out? does it depend on the day?

They clash constantly.  If I’m not manic or depressive, I have anxiety that tells me “What if I am and I don’t know it? What if I’m in an episode and just not able to realize it.”

what does a manic episode look like for you? what about a depressive one? how often do they last? which one is worse?

Depressive episodes come with self harm,  sleeping for days on end and still feeling tired. It’s not brushing my hair or my teeth.  It’s crying at the drop of a hat or not feeling anything but TIRED and I’m not talking tired of walking,  it’s tired of everything from sitting up to being alive.

Manic episodes can come with seeing things   ( like actually seeing things ) to laying in bed afraid to uncover my head because I swore something is gonna attack me.  It can be not sleeping but three hours and being AWAKE to the point I could go for a two hour walk and still feel like I was wired.  It’s having energry for days and saying impulsive shit to people. It’s telling someone EXACTLY what I think and not giving a fuck about them because I feel ontop of the world.  It’s not realizing I hurt someone until days later when I read messages back and go WHAT THE FUCK?? It’s not remembering half the things I told someone in a conversation and being afraid to talk to them the next time I see them because what if I spilled everything to them??  It’s self harming in hopes that I will come down for the high.

I think both are pretty even for me in terms of what is worse?  Both are HORRIBLE and I wouldn’t wish it.  The biggest issue is I can CRAVE that high again days after I’m out of it. It’s sitting in a depressive episode and praying that a HIGH will come to me so I don’t feel this way.  

My manic episodes can last like a week at the most ??  Three days was the LEAST amount of time I had a manic episode but that was because PROFFISIONALS got in the middle of it and broke it with medications.  

Depressive episodes are longer,  two weeks is pretty normal for me to go with that.  

what symptoms do you face most often & how do you cope with them?

So I talked a bit about my symptoms above.  Hullicinations,  not sleeping,  not eating or eating too much,  sleeping too much.  I’m BOTH extremes.  If you think of a symptom for mania,  well on the flip side I get the other extreme.  So if I’m not eating ENOUGH in a manic episode,  during a depressive episode I’m more likely to eat too much.  

Coping wise?  Since starting therapy up again in a more targetted way.  Distractions are beyond helpful for self harm.  It’s positive self talk, it’s actually really hard and I’m not good at coping in healthy ways. 

how has bipolar disorder , anxiety , self harm & various treatment representation in media / on the rpc affected you? do you have any positive examples or negative examples? 

Mental hospitals aren’t BAD but they aren’t good either.  It has come a LONG WAY from back in the day.  They aren’t “scary, dark, loud places were everyone is bunched together.” 

Positive experiences?  Spinning out to me was beautifully done.  It’s a TV show on netflix that is about a figure skater that has bipolar disorder and so does her mother.  I watched it and sobbed. I’ve met a lot of amazing people that we talk about our mental health.

do you know anyone else with bipolar disorder / anxiety / struggles with self harm , or heard stories of anyone that has? what about their experience is different than yours that you know of?

They are different. It runs in my family to have bipolar disorder and we can have the same symptoms but react to them differently. Our mania is different.  Self harm is different and how far we go,  what we do is different even.  I change methods in what I do while others I know stick to ONE THING.

what treatment are you currently participating in for your diagnoses?  

Medications  &  therapy

what treatments (meds, programs, hospitals, therapy, etc) have you undergone for your diagnoses?   

I’ve done CBT, EMDR, Outpatient therapy  (Partial hospitalization ) ,  hospitalization.  I’ve done a lot of different things so filling out how it works, what’s it called, choices, etc all can be answered if you have more questions about any of these. 

what words, stereotypes or misconceptions should writers absolutely avoid or use with caution when writing bipolar characters?

Mood swings! Please don’t make your character just have mood swings and therefore “has bipolar disorder.”  It’s not mood swings,  it’s not going from HIGH moments to suddenly LOW moments in a single day.  There is something called a MIXED episode were you have both manic highs and lows at the same time but that’s not the same thing as your mood swinging and just being moody.

can i put your name / url on the guide or would you like to remain anonymous? and can writers approach you to ask questions?

You can ask questions! Sure.   Link this if you want!  I don’t mind asks being sent or anything else!  Not relavent to Mental health but I have personal experience in being hard of hearing as well. Never be afraid to ask questions if you need it!

[binnie-binnie-bambam]

where I’ve been...?

hey. I feel like I owe y’all an explanation as to where I’ve been for the last 3 months. but imma put it the whole big detailed story under the cut just in case y’all don’t care haha and coz I don’t wanna clog up people’s feed with my incessant rambling.

TL;DR: I’ve been through 3 months of mental hell and that took a big toll on everything, including my love of a lot of things, so I’ve been struggling but I’m gonna try to be on here more and I’m sorry for being away for so long and not saying anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has tagged me in things and sent me messages during this time, I have seen it, I promise, even if I haven’t been in the right headspace to respond, you have made this time even just a bit more bearable, and for that I thank you greatly.

so yeah, things have been rough to say the least. I want to explain what’s been going on because I’ve always been pretty open on here and I know a lot of other people struggle with the same things so I don’t feel so alone. basically, I’ve fallen into another awful depression. I’ve lost my passion and drive and desire, I’ve lost the ability to find joy in things, I have no interest in hardly anything at all, I’m just not...me...right now.

I mean, my whole summer was crazy busy because I was spending almost all of my time doing wedding prep for my best friend/cousin’s wedding so I really didn’t have much time for myself and if I did, I was too exhausted to do anything I wanted to do. that’s when my partial inactivity started. I also started to see a new psychiatrist over the summer and he started me on new meds around August. since August, over a span of ~5 months, I’ve been on and off 6+ new meds, being treated for severe anxiety, panic attacks that resurfaced after being free of them for over 4 years, severe depression, ADHD, and trying different things to see if I had bipolar, as well as having a heart condition, thyroid issues, and fibromyalgia all going haywire.

I was pretty much ok through September, aside from some not so fun side effects that got me on and off 3 new meds in that month alone. like my mood and motivation and everything was fine, we had the engagement party and bachelorette party at the beginning of the month, I got to spend a bunch of time with the guy I have a (stupid) crush on, I was busy, things were going pretty great, honestly. but October rolled around. the first half wasn’t so bad, we had a girls’ trip for a weekend sort of as a last hoorah before my best friend got hitched and that was a lot of fun and I’m super thankful I was able to go, especially since I originally thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it due to family circumstances.

and wedding prep continued on, until I was driving over to my aunt’s house for the last day of prep and things started to hit me. my aunt and I got really close this past year and this was the last time I was spending with her for a long time, like sure we see each other once in a while but I was going over there and going shopping with her and doing all sorts of stuff multiple times a week and I think I just got scared of the idea that I was facing a new normal all over again when my normal had already changed so drastically at the beginning of last year. and also the fact that my best friend was getting married and moving an hour away when she used to be 10 minutes away and I saw her all the time. like we had the rehearsal dinner the Sunday before the wedding and my oldest cousin made this speech (because she knew she’d be sobbing too much to actually make it at the wedding) and she talked about us three girls as kids growing up and all this stuff about my best friend and how perfect her fiance was for her and it was just all really sobering I guess?

and I spent a lot of nights that week writing and rewriting a letter to the couple and I definitely spent most of that time sobbing over everything and sometime that week my mood just plummeted. my dad got /really/ concerned because the change in me was /so/ drastic but there wasn’t much we could do with only a few days until the wedding so we just hoped for the best and waited till my appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the next step. I ended up getting a migraine at the wedding (I know it was from stress and from being so upset) so I couldn’t have a good time like I wanted to and I knew I’d regret it and I definitely regret it but I can’t change anything now. I got to hug the bride and groom goodbye just as they were leaving and I’ve never struggled so hard trying not to cry, which I mean, my best friend was sooo close to becoming a sobbing mess hugging me too, and the groom, well he was a blubbering mess (he’s a very emotional dude, all three of us have sobbed watching movies together, we’re a sight lmao) so I didn’t feel too strange haha. but it was a really weird feeling and it was really hard to sleep at the hotel that night. we drove home in the rain the next morning and did absolutely nothing the entire day.

then the news hit about Woojin and I spent my Monday night quite literally sobbing myself to sleep. at that time, I was still pretty new to skz but it still hurt like hell and I know my depression warped the emotions out of proportion but it was still so incredibly painful. but nothing could prepare me for the news about Wonho. nothing. I was already so deep into my depression and that just, I still don’t even have words. something hasn’t hit me that hard in I don’t even know how long. I couldn’t even cry, it took me over 2 months to cry about it because it just hurt too much. I still can’t listen to any of their music, I can’t even see photos of them without bursting into tears, and I’m ashamed at myself for being so attached to something that I react this badly, but even more so, I’m upset with myself that I can’t support them when they need it most because it causes me so much physical and emotional pain I just can’t deal with it. I’m not giving up on them, god no, I know it probably sounds like I am, but I swear I’m not. I love them way too much for that. it’s not even possible to describe how much mx and Wonho mean to me, I’m not giving up on them, I’m just handling things in my own way at my own pace, I guess.

from then on, things just spiraled out of control. on and off more meds, more and more problems arose, I really felt like I could not keep my head above water. and on top of it, I had the 7th anniversary of my grandma’s death in early November and the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death in early December and to say the least, that did not have the best effect on my mental health. it’s been 3 months of pretty much hell. I genuinely have /no/ interest in things I used to do, none of my hobbies, everything, and I mean everything, is a chore. it’s still like this. but I’m trying to do more to fix it. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I just spent 6 weeks getting another med out of my system so hopefully when I see him, he’ll try something new and we’ll actually make progress instead of taking 2 steps forward and 8 steps back. I haven’t lost hope yet.

there’s been many, many times in these past few months where I’ve felt like I’ve already hit rock bottom and I’m just waiting for the final blow to finish me off. but, if I’m being completely honest, what’s kept me going has been my really close friends on here that have stuck with me this whole time and my love for kpop which thankfully, god thank you, hasn’t diminished whatsoever despite everything. I can confidently say, I wouldn’t still be here without my friends, you know who you are my loves. y’all keep my world turning and no matter how painful it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t have made it this far, I wouldn’t want to keep going, I wouldn’t owe my life to you guys, so thank you, more than words can express. I love you all to the moon and back. and then some.

so this has just been paragraphs upon paragraphs of me rambling so I really don’t know why you would’ve stayed and read the whole damn thing, but if you did, thank you, I feel a lot better getting things off my chest. and this isn’t to say I’m back completely, I can’t guarantee how active I’ll actually be, but I’ll do my best to spend some more time on here because I genuinely do miss this place and all the amazing people in it. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, especially without any real explanation. I’m going to do my best to rediscover my love for things, I may have lost it for a time, but it’s not gone completely.

~

until next time, this has been “aly won’t shut up”. thank you and goodnight, I love y’all

[iluxia]

This mug is trending in my hospital right now. Legit it's more popular than me. I am sharing it this morning, post-shift and full of matcha latte, as a part of my effort in fulfilling my civic & professional duty of getting you all to just

                              GET THE DAMN FLU SHOT!!!

If you have insurance, it will be free somewhere (CVS, Walgreens, the grocery store, or your doctor’s office if you haven’t done anything that prevents you from showing your face there). If you don't have insurance, vaccinefinder.org can get you to somewhere that won't cost you an arm and a leg. Alternatively, here is a table of how much it'll cost you at the usual places in the US for the quadrivalent formulation as an uninsured consumer.

As for my vaccine spiel: I’m sure you’ve read all the articles swimming around in media about this, so I won’t go into the usual why’s. (Yes, for those outside of the USA, here people debate about something as elementary as why should we vaccinate.) I will, however, pull apart a few excuses anti-vaxxers use as shields, excuses I have personally heard before. (Full disclosure, I am a physician.)

"The flu shot makes people sick immediately after vaccination because the vaccine introduces the flu virus into the body, so it actually impedes the immune system from working properly! It doesn’t work!”

This shows very poor to non-existent understanding of how vaccination & the immune system works. The flu vaccine contains inactive, dead virus parts. It introduces your immune system to what the virus looks like; remember the third Harry Potter movie, where they posted pictures of Sirius Black the Death Eater Fugitive on pamphlets to warn the wizarding world about him so they know what he looks like? It’s exactly that. The faster the immune system can recognize an intruder, the faster it can kill it.

“The flu shot has other ingredients in it (like mercury) that cause various side effects from depression and memory loss to cardiovascular disease, ADHD, and autism.”

The flu vaccine used to contain a preservative called thimerosal (ethyl mercury), which is NOT the same as methyl mercury (the toxic kind). Let’s review a little chem here, as painful as those long-buried memories are. Thimerosal is a stable preservative that has been in use in tons of things since the 1920s. There is more mercury in breastmilk than there is in a single flu shot, guys.

A dude named Andrew Wakefield and a few of his buddies published a whack case series in the Lancet in 1998 suggesting that the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) vaccine, preserved using thimerosal, predisposed behavioral regression & developmental disorders in children. But the sample size was 12 patients. Twelve. That is negligibly tiny. Obviously they didn’t do their power calcs. And it was a case series - the least reliable type of research you can publish because a case series is anecdotal. Their “data” did not show strong correlation between the MMR vaccine and autism; indeed, their analytical model wasn’t even constructed to examine that hypothesis. Multiple epidemiological studies followed hot on the heels of this paper, refuting its wild claims, but the damage was done & the publicity was already on fire. It sparked a huge anti-vaxxer movement that is responsible, frankly speaking, for the recurrence of eradicated diseases such as measles, which is deadly to little children. [ You can read more about this whole debacle here. ] It was all about the MMR vaccine at first, but “MMR” disappeared and eventually it became “all vaccines cause autism.” This is what happens when you combine poor health education, an irresponsible publishing journal, and an immoral media. The Lancet only formally withdrew this paper from publication in Feb 2010. To this day, I find it difficult to trust the Lancet.

The studies that came after Wakefield’s stupid one all refuted Wakefield’s claims with stronger data, proper analyses, systematic reviews, and actual fucking power calcs, like actual fucking researchers.

Finally, we don’t even fully understand autism. How can you definitely claim that one specific thing can cause it? Remember: correlation =/= causation.

“The CDC promotes flu vaccines because they have financial ties & get kickbacks from Big Pharma. It’s all big business. The flu vaccine doesn’t work.”

Bars and clubs will promote alcohol to you because they get kickbacks from the breweries. It’s all big business. Does that mean that the alcohol doesn’t work?

Why are you okay giving Big Pharma your money for vitamins you don’t really need (most people don’t really need multivitamins, it just makes your pee expensive) but you can’t give them money for life-saving, pandemic-fighting vaccines that COST LESS?

And since we’re talking about business, you should know that vaccines are actually not profitable for pharmaceutical companies, because they have to make entirely new batches EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. The overheads on that must cost $$$$, I mean, they have to pay the researchers a living wage, and it takes months to make the vaccines. Come on, we all know the real money is made with ridiculously expensive life-saving medications such as insulin and the EpiPen. Duh.

Health is worth more than money, honey. Spend a day in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator with tubes coming out of every orifice and you will never deny this.

“I still get sick after the flu shot. It doesn’t work for me.”

The flu has various strains every year, and the vaccine is only made with the strains they (the researchers) predict will be the most widely distributed across a certain population. It involves a lot of statistics. Does this mean that you should skip the shot? No. Statistically, your chances of getting the most virulent, widely distributed strain is HIGHER than your chances of getting a different strain the vaccine isn’t made with. That statistics course really matters, you know.

Yes, you get a different type of flu vaccine depending on where you are in the world. The northern & southern hemispheres get different vaccine formulations because they typically get different strains. This is also why a flu strain from, say, southern China or India is fucking TERRIFYING for Europe or the US, because we likely will not have any immunity to that shit. (And vice versa.)

The flu virii evolve every year. They get more virulent, more adaptable, and more insidious every time. And do you know how they evolve? Because some asshole somewhere had partial/augmented immunity and the virus evolves under these conditions. This asshole was sick with a different strain of the flu before, but doesn’t believe in the flu shot, so he doesn’t get the one issued this year. He then gets maybe mildly sick with the new flu strain, while his wife is still sick with the previous flu strain he carried. The two strains are exposed to each other and under these conditions, the virus can evolve by mutation or genetic reassortment. Cross-exposure to other viral strains (antigenic drift) is a mechanism for viral variation & results in newer, deadlier strains that both partially immune people (infected before with other strains) AND vaccinated people cannot fight off. Then it spreads to their kid, who spreads it at the daycare, and those kids give it to their parents, who spread it at work... this, folks, is how you get an epidemic.

Vaccination really only works to eliminate a disease when you unilaterally vaccinate the entire population across the board. (As best as you can, anyway.) The vaccine will never work 100% - there is always a margin of error - but if you cover the entire population, your margin becomes more acceptable. Whereas if only some people get vaccinated, then you open up chances for viral mutation.

By the way, you might FEEL sick immediately after the flu shot, but you aren’t sick. That’s your immune system sucking your entire body dry of resources, making your muscles ache & giving you fatigue as it revs up & prepares brand new antibodies for this new virus. This takes a toll on your body, but you can combat the “sick” feeling by exercising lightly, hydrating very well, eating clean, and getting some sleep. 

“My child already has a disease that lowers their immune system. If I give them the shot, that’ll completely deplete their remaining reserve. They might get a different infection and die!”

Again, a poor understanding of immune biology. 100% wrong. I give flu vaccines to immunodeficient patients with HIV, transplant patients who are taking immunosuppressants, and patients who are taking meds like Humira (immunosuppressing side effect). In fact, I prioritize the vaccine for them. They, above everyone else, need to be prepared for the coming strains of flu. I am giving their immune system time to prepare. - Of course I will monitor them closely & take appropriate precautions to prevent them from contracting other infections. I’ll support their physiological needs while they convalesce. But immunosuppression is no excuse. (That being said, have a conversation with your physician. Dosing, type, and timing of the vaccine can vary depending on your individual situation & condition.)

“Evidence now suggests that ingredients in flu shots can actually cause serious neurological disorders, like Guillain-Barre syndrome or similar neuromuscular diseases thought to be of autoimmune origin.”

In 1976, the CDC published that there was a risk of Guillain-Barre syndrome happening after a patient got a flu vaccine IF they have had the swine flu vaccine before. The risk was calculated to be 1 in 100,000 people who got the swine flu vaccine. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) did a scientific review on this issue in 2003 and concluded that the people who got the swine flu vaccine in 1976 were at increased risk, but otherwise, there has been no significant change or increase since then. Did you get the swine flu vaccine in 1976? No? Okay, go get the flu shot.

It is true that there have been observed cases where neuromuscular disorders like Guillain-Barre or chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy (CIDP) seems to be triggered, or occur after the patient gets the vaccine. We don’t fully understand how or why. I have treated these patients (they are relatively rare, I see maybe 1-2 every year) and they recover well provided competent care at a good hospital. Look out for research on this, but until we definitively know a causative link, it’s foolish to skip a perfectly safe, proven, and highly recommended vaccine to avoid a very narrow “maybe.”

If you have questions, guys, I will answer. Drop me an ask or PM me. But please, please spread the word and get vaccinated. 

If you get scared or doubt your decision to get the shot, remember that the only reason we are not all dead from smallpox (it was an epidemic) and cholera (a pandemic) and rabies (from all your pets) and typhoid (also a pandemic) and the fucking black plague is because of that 5ml of liquid in that tiny little syringe.

Vaccines do not cause autism. Vaccines cause adults.

GET. THE. SHOT.

[thedandelionsighs]

update below the cut for any who are interested

I’m waiting on a call from the school in regard to going through with a medical withdrawal.  Here’s the three possible routes this takes:

- medical withdrawal is possible, I qualify, I withdraw, financial aid is fully or at least somewhat reimbursed, allowing me to return once I am fit to do so and complete my degree

- medical withdrawal is possible, but does not include any sort of reimbursement, meaning I will not be financially capable of finishing my degree any time in the next few years

- medical withdrawal is not something I qualify for, I withdraw from the semester with W’s across the board, and probably never finish my degree

All of my professors have been informed that I am looking in to this, and are encouraging and accepting of the choice I have made.  Small blessings.

Currently I’m still wearing the heart monitor that was given to me last wednesday.  HOpefully the tape is enough to hold it til this wednesday, but based on the info packet it’s not unusual for them to fall off early.  So.  We’ll see.  Still haven’t heard about scheduling an ultrasound...was told I was supposed to get a call..whatever.  My symptoms have been oddly sporadic the past two days, but as I’ve experienced a few stretches of time of relief well, I’m not going to complain.  It does not seem that my adderall is worsening/causing any of my symptoms, as I took it both yesterday and today and nothing seems to have changed.  So.  At least there’s that.  Stimulant is good - considering I’m sleeping 6 or less hours a night at this point.

Mental health is tanked. Completely tanked.  I’m incapacitated and incapable of doing...well.  Most everything at this point, though that’s probably partially due to being triggered by 2 separate situations.

- this entire situation is nearly identical to what led up to my not graduating high school.  The only thing missing is my mother freaking out about it.  Which, in truth, would be there if I’d...y’know.  Told her I was diagnosed with ADHD last April, switched majors, and am now withdrawing.  But.  Well, I haven’t.  For good reason.

- my best friend and roommate B is having a lot of trouble wrapping her mind around my situation, and is incapable of understanding my decision to withdraw.  She’s also one of those ‘I’ve worked since I was 16 and people who don’t confuse me especially when someone else is supporting them.’  This is information I was given by B’s best friend, who wanted to give me the chance to talk it through so I wasn’t blindsided when B and I sit down to talk (because we both know we need to).  Unfortunately, these 2 things are exactly what ruined my roommate/living situation in Oregon, and I have no idea what could make this situation any different than it was then.

And all of this doesn’t even touch on the things that have led up to this, the fact that the only meds I have currently are a) such a low dose of antidepressants it’s basically doing nothing (both my therapist and I agree if it is doing something then that’s..actually scarier) and b) recently re-added, my adderall, which while it is helping me function when my body refuses to get more than 6 hours of sleep, is also probably not going to help with the sleep issues

meanwhile one of my dad’s cats (who used to be my soul cat until I got my own after moving out) is dying and probably won’t last the week, and I have to say goodbye to him later today.

and all of this is resulting in my self-isolating because I don’t want to be obstructing or in the way of anyone else because I know how stressful it is to be around me right now, but of course that leads to everyone thinking I’m doing better than I am...

it’s just a shit show

it’s a shit show that I’m tired or reliving

I just.  Want to sleep for like a year.  Please.

[jadeimpala67]

Rant ahead and idk how to add that cut page thingy

_______

Lemme tell you what "moving up the corporate ladder" in America looks like, when you're poor.

When you're making minimum wage or less, you get housing assistance. Food assistance. Medical assistance. Which comes in handy since you literally cannot support yourself.

I'll use my state, Connecticut, as an example.

In CT, the minimum right now is $10.10/hr.

The state will help you if that's your only income. With everything. You may not get the best of the best, and a lot of the doctors you see won't actually care, but all of your appointment are covered. Your medications are covered. Emergencies are covered. Food, covered. housing takes a long ass time, but you're covered. As you live paycheck to paycheck and literally all of your money to bills.

That was my life. Never had the best doctors, but at least I could be seen by someone. I could get out the teeth rotting my skull. I could afford to eat for a while. Back at that job, the state minimum was $8.25/hr. But we survived.

Then I got a raise at my old job, the state cut my stamps to $14 a month. A month. But I tried not to panic because I lived with other people and we pulled our weight. And we had friends from wealth willing to help us if we needed it - which it was rare of us to ask.

Then time passed. I moved a lot. The state minimum was raised to $10.10. I got my current job and worked part time.

But then I became homeless.

Now see, dear Tumblr, this is where shit gets tricky. Because when you're homeless, you can't buy food in bulk. You can't. Where would you put it??? Critters would get to it. How would you cook it? No, you had to spend money every day to make sure you were fed. But that doesn't mean you stop paying your bills.

I was fortunate. I didn't have a car or insurance. I had a phone ($72.56/m), and a storage unit ($52/m). BUT. I got paid bi weekly, and only worked part time. I was bringing home an average of $320 a week. So roughly $640 per paycheck. But I didn't have a car - which meant I had to Uber to get to places I needed to go.

I had to buy food, every single day. I had to expand my wardrobe so I didn't have to go to the laundromat every 4 days. I had to spend money at Dunkin and Subway so I wouldn't get kicked off of their property for loitering - which bought me time away from my unit so I wouldn't get arrested.

Now it wasn't ALL bad. I was definitely more fortunate in some areas than others. But I also needed a laptop (not only for gishwhes, but to have something to charge my phone with/use for music and tv. Phones only lasted for so long.) ($120 - discounted from original price of $165). I needed a new backpack because mine was falling apart ($60), which I still have. I needed new shoes after 3 months because I walked so much.

It's impossible to save money when you're homeless. Everything drains it away.

Now fast forward to a year later. I'm finally in an apartment, roommate, my own room, switched to overnights so I get $1 more an hour, more bills, upped to full-time, due for a promotion.

I'm making $12.10/hr. Which sounds great! Right? Except - now I have benefits. That are being deducted from every paycheck. So now. Bringing home an average of $362/week - which is a lot less than I was taking home making 8 fucking dollars an hour. But now I'm also getting it every two weeks. $725, on average, every two weeks; sometimes with overtime, if I can get away with it (usually we can't).

So now in addition to all the new bills I have to pay (rent, rent a center washer and dryer, my phone, Netflix, 2 credit card bills), that's half of my paycheck already.

I never make it paycheck to paycheck - I run out of money about a week in, so my coworkers and my grandmother help me out, which I pay them back for on payday. There's another huge chunk, gone.

Then there's times I gotta pay for therapy ($70), and now my psychology appointment ($85). My new ADHD meds are $25.66 per perscription.

So, after all of that, let's do some math what my average month looks like-

$725 x 2 (avg. paycheck for two months)

$1450

-$175 x2 (half my rent automatically comes out per paycheck so I'm never late)

- $75 (phone)

- $95 (RAC)

- $32 (credit card 1)

- $95 (credit card 2)

After all the big bills, that leaves me with $897.34

After therapy -$70

$827.34

After my med check appt -$56

$771.34

After refilling my prescription -$26

$745.34

Now that's for the whole month. I never see that grand total, because that's now how bills and living work. So let's be hypothetical and just divide it down the middle, k?

$745.34/2 = $372.67 to last me for two weeks.

$372.67 to pay for food, Uber, and emergencies.

Uber to get to my job from my home is anywhere from $11-$16 depending on the day to day - one way. Which means if I don't have a ride in, I gotta spend about $30 round trip to go to work and get home.

Idk about you, but I usually end up spending about $200~ on food. Both immediate snacks at work to get my through the shift, and buying in bulk to take home.

(lemme put it to you this way, sometimes I need a little caffeine to jumpstart my work day, $2.50, or I can buy an entire carton and being that shit home $4)

Now it comes to this - right now, I've got $29 left over in my bank account, $30 I owe my grandma in cash, and roughly a $32 balance on my credit card. I'm sick. Like really sick. I've got an infection in my throat and it is kicking my ass.

I don't have free healthcare anymore. I've got "real" healthcare through my job, with a $3,000 deductable. Which means I either pay the whole thing out if pocket, or a partial amount.

Three years ago, I had strep, I just went down to the nearest walk in clinic, gave them my medicare insurance, walked away with antibiotics, I was fine within a week.

Just. Fucking. Now. I had to spend $6 to get to the nearest clinic, waited for 30 minutes, just for them to tell me that because I was a new paitent with this insurance, my "best case scenario" would be owing them $120. For a strep test and antibiotics.

Obviously, I don't have $120 fucking dollars. I was turned away. So now I STILL have an infection, no medication, no loa note to being to my job to save my ass, and I'm faced with the delema of "Do I go to work anyway and risk passing this infection to the general public?? Or do I take the paycut, risk my job because of an absence, and get stuck with a shitty paycheck by next payday, because now I'm missing day 3 of work this month alone?"

America doesn't want you to do better.

If you're poor, you've gotta stay poor. If you're rich, then stay rich. Otherwise fuck you and your health, and your dreams, and your bills.

[mysticaltigersorceress]

Things that go with ADHD that you didn’t know about

Yeah so half my family has ADHD in varying forms and actually I’m just gonna slide this link in here. Dr Amen talks about the 7 types of ADHD. You can have one or more of them; I match 4 of the types, some more than others (partially affected by my depression/anxiety). And there’s several things I thought I just had a problem with but it turns out is a symptom of ADHD. SO YEAH LEARN NERDS FROM AN ADHD KID GOING ON A RANT

(ps other mental illnesses/disorders can affect this too)

(i’m pulling some i have, and other lesser known symptoms that can come with it.)

 sensitivity to physical stimuli (light, noise, clothing.)

K i wanna add something here like sometimes i get really twitchy and  i have to get out of the clothes im wearing tHIS INSTANT because i need it to not touch me? usually happens if i’ve worn a bra for too long, jeans or long sleeve shirt for more than 6 hours, or even my hair pulled up for too long. i’ve even have had it happen with my blankets i just need stuff to stop TOUCHING ME

memory is like spinning a wheel of fortune. sometimes you recall every detail of a single day in second grade, sometimes you have to count out your money 9 times to make sure you counted it correct and didn’t remember the incorrect number

looping of thoughts: typically this is negative; it gets worse with anxiety and depression. you just get stuck in a loop where one thing goes to this then this goes to that and it all goes in the same order but you cant dO SOmEtHInG AbOUT IT?? 

once i was so ticked about a books ending that even though i was so exhausted my brain couldn’t stop rapid fire anger frustration looping thoughts and after a few hours of me trying to distract myself long enough to cool off i took some sleeping pills and read a book that i know i have no problems with until the melatonin kicked in. i’m still pissed about it fyi

takes longer to process stuff: can’t tell you how many times someone will ask me something, it went in one ear, out the other; you say ‘i’m sorry i know you spoke but i have no idea what you said.” they go to say what it was; you remember, answer, and they’re like wth

DEJA VU

panicking/scared for no reason

social isolation

frequent irritability

like honestly i’ll be in a great mood and then for no reason whatsoever i’m absolutely seething like DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME??? OR I SHALL END THE UNIVERSE?? and yeah so reason for it but i just keep quiet and go somewhere to be alone until i’m okay again

rigid thinking

oppositional

i know people know about racing thoughts but do they really?

freeze in social situations

like oh no do i do this? no that would be bad what a bout this no that’s worse i can’t  i cant’ don’t talk to me leave i cant 

and you just freeze until the problem goes away

fight, flight, or freeze

conflict avoidant

k i mean there’s a lot more and many are specific to certain types and yes i know this post is a mess but i’m just typing thsi as it comes with very little editying and this is what it’s kinda like in my head? wiith a bit of a filter

but i just have to say something because i feel like people only focus on classic ADD and it drives me crazy

but if you ever want more stories about adhd peeps 3/7 people in my household are on adhd meds, and i’m fairly certain 2 more of my siblings have it too but they aren’t needing meds at this point but goodness we’re a mess becasue the adhd rubb off on everyone else until everyone acts like they have adhd so ye

[veridiandreams]

Started Concerta (18mg) - My Timeline So Far

Day 1 - felt the effects shortly after taking it in the morning. I felt calm. Relieved. The anxiety was gone. I was stunned. So happy! It lasted until about mid-afternoon, and then I noticed the shift instantly when it likely wore off (it’s a low dose). Racing heart, jittery, disorganized thoughts. Making dinner took forever because I was all over the place. How did I function like this my whole life?? Couldn’t fall asleep until 2am due to hyperfixation on Reddit (dopamine seeking).

Day 2 - had no effect; I was a ball of anxiety and moodiness, felt frustrated it wasn’t working like the day before. But this was also a very busy and stressful workday and I was already trying to function on a sleep deficit. (As a side note, this also may have been hormonal - I get one bad “doom and gloom” PMS day before my cycle starts.) once again, couldn’t fall asleep until after 2am (Reddit again).

Day 3 - it worked better than day 2. Had a relatively good work day. I could tell my communication was better, my demeanor calmer. I wasn’t talking as fast, etc. started to wear off at around 1pm, and then I was all over the place again, my usual ADHD mess of a self (also, still dealing with some work stress, and had a lot of environmental distractions that I was struggling with since I worked from home). Didn’t fall asleep until after 3am because I hyperfixated on a book I’m reading even though I knew I’d have to get up early for a social event the next day. ( I skipped to the end and read the last 4 chapters cuz I HAD TO KNOW if the characters got together in the end - dopamine reward was taking too long!)

Day 4 - super exhausted now of course because of my awful sleep schedule. But took my meds and the usual - it helped, but only a little bit today. Managed to focus on my kiddo today, and cleaned the house a little (although that part took twice as long since by now the meds pretty much wore off). Went to bed a little earlier - 1:30am, which is an improvement, but not great.

Day 5 - Not feeling the effects as much today, but once again could be partially influenced by stress and lack of sleep.  Or, my body is adjusting to the dosage, and maybe I’ll need a stronger dose so it can be more effective.  But today I’m noticing how often my thoughts get distracted or derailed, I noticed how I rambled to my therapist today during our session.  I keep catching myself, and having to consciously pull myself back to task.

So, just keeping an eye on it, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a higher dose or a different medication.