#partially because i’m still off my adhd meds

[ghostzzy]

for the record, week 3 of top surgery recovery is way worse than week 1 or week 2, even though i am healing very well physically.

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

[hismercytomyjustice]

Starting to feel like Jenna Marbles, lol. “New chapters come out every Wednesday/Thursday…”

But yeah, it’s gonna be another late one. Sorry for the delay. I appreciate y’all’s patience.

Writing for me is the easy part. Editing, however… For some reason that is way more taxing on my executive function. And when I’m having bad executive functioning spells (i.e. pretty much constantly for the past few months lol), I struggle with the editing part.

I’m really hoping once my change in meds fully kicks in that I won’t have nearly as much of a hard time with executive functioning.

My problem is that I have issues with executive functioning from both ADHD and OCD and when the OCD flares up... Basically I just go into power saver mode and just about the only things I can manage to do are the ones that require bare minimum functioning. Everything feels like it takes 10x as much effort than it normally would when I already am at 0% in terms of functioning.

It’s just really fucking annoying. The theory with OCD is that is that it causes “executive overload.” Basically so much brain power gets used up by OCD (in my case, mental compulsions) that it leaves me on empty for everything else.

I’ve seen it compared to a person being a computer and their executive function being like RAM. And OCD is like having multiple software programs running at all time, using up most or all of your RAM. So then your non-OCD “software” starts crashing because so much of your RAM is being used by OCD.

And when you have ~*clinically severe*~ OCD like I do at present (only slightly overachieving there because the highest level is one more up and that’s know as Extreme OCD - OCD on X Games mode, if you will), WELL.

Lol. God I really hope my meds bring that shit down to at least moderate. Because I’m spending hours every day compulsing right now. And I’m trying not to, but I’m not as good at recognizing it when my OCD is already “being loud.”

Lololol there’s definitely a reason my therapist suggested partial hospitalization for my OCD two or three months ago… Really hoping I don’t wind up having to go that route. I have a follow up with my psychiatrist in February. She said we can bump up my antidepressants one more time before she wants to switch me to an OCD specific medication.

And at that point, if I’m still struggling this badly, I’m gonna seriously consider the partial hospitalization option. But I really hope I don’t have to do that because it sounds ~expensive~ lol. And the place my therapist recommends is a 4.5 hour drive away, which means the added cost of a hotel etc… Plus I’d have to take time off work and they already are stingy with vacation days. And our work busy season starts up in February.

I could probably apply for short term disability if I really had to, but I’d rather not advertise to corporate America that my brain is Not Doing Well, lol.

Ugh. It’s all so fucking frustrating and annoying. I just wanna pop my brain out and punt it into the sun… Or just turn it off and then on again, lol. God if only that worked for people like it does for computers…

[la-principessa-nuova]

week 1 on my adhd meds felt like i kind of understood what was happening

week 2 i’m just so confused what’s even happening

like i stayed up really late twice in a row and i’m not sure how much or in what way the meds might have contributed to that happening

and then i felt so tired the next day it was really hard to judge much but that’s just from lack of sleep

then i went to bed normal time the next night

but somehow slept through all of my alarms and woke up at 10:30 and ran upstairs for work still half asleep

and nobody said anything about it or asked when i joined the meeting 30 minutes late so 🤷‍♀️ but maybe i just lucked out bc most of the team was out today so things were a little weird anyway

and then i was really easily distracted today because there was this one thing that was really bugging me about the code i was working on that i kept looking into instead of doing what i was supposed to

but then it turned out i uncovered a pretty major issue so idk maybe that was actually a normal thing to get caught up on

but i was like dead tired after work and went straight to lay down in bed but then something happened and my parents needed me to watch the dog so i went and got her and i was feeling a bit more awake by then after getting a break from work

and then i organized my pins and ate dinner but now im so tired again

which is normal and good to be tired at this time i guess but i need to get ready for bed if im doing that now

and also like i’ve been eating way less

which i can certainly afford to

but i think that’s from a thing my therapist suggested

and it basically has completely changed my relationship with food

but i just like feel so thrown off my game

and like who’s life am i even living?

idk

but i make meals and sit down at the table to eat now

and i like it, it turns out

eating is way more enjoyable when you focus on it and take your time

instead of rushing to inhale a frozen pizza so you can use your lunch break to scroll tumblr

i’ve learned a lot about dissociation this week, especially depersonalization, partially from reading about it and partially from hands on experience

and today i did not take care of myself

after running upstairs late to work and demoing what i did yesterday when i worked a little late to the people who needed to see what i did, i went downstairs to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, etc.

i should have just taken an early lunch, but i decided to try finishing that work first so someone who needed my changes to do their work could have it ready.

but i should have brought up a drink, and i didn’t. so after finishing the one i poured last night and brought up with me in the morning, i had nothing all day.

and then i just forgot to go to lunch, and i worked until after 6.

btw i’m supposed to work 9-5 (mostly flexible but i have a meeting at 10 every day), but this week i worked 9:30-9:30, 9:30-6, 10-4, 9:30-6, and 10:30-6.

Part of that was not respecting my own needs over other people’s and pushing while burnt out to get something done that somebody else is waiting on, and part of it was just hyperfocusing on something interesting at the end of the day and suddenly realizing it’s late and I feel so tired I’m not sure I can handle the stairs, sometimes at the same time.

so i found myself at the end of the day having not eaten or drinken anything all day aside from the rest of my water from last night, until i cracked open a can of soda at like 7pm, which i drank over the course of like 2 hours.

so at like 9:30 i had only had that to drink, and i’d eaten some trail mix at some point between work and then, and i still felt all out of sorts

and then i had a very small dinner (not like intentionally trying to eat a small dinner, i just made something small just to get some vegetables in and then after eating it i was like “i guess i’m done eating now”)

and now i’m laying in bed typing this feeling really tired and wanting to just roll over and sleep but i do need to least take my meds and brush my teeth and hopefully have the energy to shower after that

and then i should go to sleep but im like so likely to suddenly be awake

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

Adderall

So, a week and a half ago I FINALLY got my adult ADHD diagnosis and I finally got on Adderall. What is to follow is personal and only read if your interested, otherwise, have a nice day. 

(I got diagnosed with a bunch of other scary shit but I been knew all of it and it tracks for the trauma I’ve been through so I wasn’t surprised) 

Anyway, so my psychiatrist has me on a small 5 mg a day dose that I take in the morning. 

So before Adderall, here was my day-

Wake up at 8, get my daughter to school by 8:20-8:30, come home and have a 50/50 chance of going back to sleep till 11 or noon or sit on the couch in a daze/heavy mental fog until about noon or 1pm. By 3, I realize I have half an hour before my kid get’s home from school and shit, I need to do something with my day before my husband harps on me for being a lazy slob sitting on my ass on the couch all day and doing jack squat (hello executive dysfunction) and by 4, my daughter is off the bus, I gotta get something ready for dinner, eat between 5:30-7 AND THEN my brain wakes up. At 8pm my mental fog clears, I have energy, I can write coherantly and can do things and I’ve gained momentum. 

Problem was- I have to go to sleep by 9-10pm so I can wake up at 8 the next morning. 

My natural circadian rhythm is being awake from noon to 3-4am and then sleep the rest of the time. and my “Sweet spot” for getting stuff done, house chores, writing, all of that happens between 10pm-3am. Which is impossible for me to achieve and still be a “normal functional adult”. 

So in order to “function” on my husband’s and my daughter’s life schedule I have to be very, very heavily medicated to go to sleep just as my brain is waking up and building up steam and momentum. So much so that if I am not in bed by the time my meds hit, I will pass out wherever I am. And I take doses that would put any other person into a coma for at least three days, but I take it on a nightly basis and it STILL takes an hour to an hour and a half to finally succumb to the sleep. (if anyone wants to know exactly what I take and in what doses, let me know)

So now that I’ve been on Adderall for a week- here how it has drastically changed my life. 

Wake up at 8, take Adderall by 8:15, I fully wake up but 8:30-8:35 and I’m alert and the fog clears by 8:50 and by 9am, I’m doing house chores and writing and getting shit done and getting things taken care of and it’s great, a process that normally takes most of my day is now shortened down to barely an hour, 45 minutes. 

Here’s where it sucks. 

Adderall, for me, wears off at 3pm. Normally when I would be “waking up” my brain is wearing down and shutting down and by 4 I am STRUGGLING. just trying to make dinner and trying to jump start my system and trying to recapture that momentum. 

By 6-7pm I get very aggrivated and very frustrated with myself because there’s still more shit I want to do but the go juice is empty and I can not make myself do much of anything. I try to focus on something that usually soothes me- like knitting or crocheting or writing or refilling my many fountain pens. Nope- all those tasks that once brought me joy, get on my nerves, make me frustrated and aggrivated because I can’t fucking FOCUS ON JACK SHIT. 

And by 8, my brain and my body are BEGGING, and I mean BEGGING, PLEADING, throwing a tantrum to go to sleep. I went to bed at 7:30pm because I was especially tired and very cranky bitchy the other night and was out by 8:15 and woke up at 8 feeling great and then proceeded to have a very nice rest of my day. 

I did not expect myself to get so ANGRY when the Adderall wears off. 

Is this normal? Is the anger part normal for anyone else? Like I’m partially afraid that if I tell my psychiatrist that I get HANGRY but without the hunger part when it wears off, she’ll pull me off of it completely and I don’t want that. I went through hell just getting this diagnosis and it’s helping but not enough. I’m supposed to meet with her again in a month. We’ll see how it goes from there. 

[neworleansspecial]

Accidents Happen (The Med Groupchat)

Part Eight - Previous Parts and this one available on AO3

crickett: it was an accident i swear i didnt mean to i didnt

Nat: @Ethan Choi @connor can one of you take his phone

connor: he’s nonverbal rn

Bekker: Has anyone heard what happened?

Dr. Lanik: According to the paramedics, Crockett’s car was stationary. They were sitting inside, not driving, because it was cold. They were eating and smoking when a drunk driver hit them from behind. They were near the cliff side, so their car fell about ten feet before getting caught on the rocks and first responders rescued them. 

Dr. Lanik: Crockett has a moderate head injury and some scrapes and bruises. Maggie is stable with an open fracture of the radius, closed rib fractures. Sarah has broken glass injuries and a shoulder dislocation. Elsa is the worst off with a head injury we’re still controlling the bleeding of, a partial pneumothorax. 

crickett: didnt mean to

connor: he’s being evaluated for shock right now. it doesn’t help that he’s still high. 

Bekker: Sarah too. It’s making her calm at least. 

Ethan Choi: He’s probably never going to smoke again

FreeWilly: is that really what ur worried about 

Ethan Choi: That’s not what I meant

crickett: didnt see the car

Bekker: We know, honey. It’s not your fault. 

no-ah: is everyone going to be okay?

April: Physically, it looks like it. Elsa is in a rough place but I’m sure she’ll be fine. 

-

Crockett: didnt see the car i didnt mean to

Crockett: was driving

Crockett: foot on the brake 

Crockett: no i was 

Crockett: accident

- 

Other Bekker: my hands have been released from prison

Bekker: (plastics pulling the glass out of them and bandaging/stitching where necessary)

no-ah: do you remember what happened?

Other Bekker: most of it

Other Bekker: its not @crickett’s fault 

Other Bekker: the other driver had a 0.13 BAC on the scene, and crockett wasn’t even driving. he wouldn’t until he sobered up a little 

Ethan Choi: I called his outpatient center and they suggested returning to inpatient for a few days for his safety while he processes this.

Other Bekker: is that what crockett wants

Ethan Choi: It’s what he needs

Other Bekker :/

Dr. Lanik: Elsa is awake!

Nat: That’s good! How is she?

Dr. Lanik: A bit disoriented, but that’s to be expected. Her waking up is a really good sign. The chest tube is in place and we have her on supportive care. 

April: I’m glad everyone will be okay

no-ah: and hows mags

Maggie<3: I’m okay, they’re taking me to surgery

no-ah: good luck !

crickett: iwanndhohiewnalredyitguers

Nat: ???

FreeWilly: I speak high he wants to go home and hes in pain

Nat: That raises more questions than it answers 

Ethan Choi: What hurts?

Dr. Lanik: I’ll come give him another checkup, see if I can’t figure out what’s going on

connor: probably a headache from the head injury

Dr. Lanik: Probably but better safe than sorry. I’d rather rule out anything else. 

- 

Dr. Marcel: head

Dr. Marcel: like gyutar 

Dr. Marcel: sleep?

-

April: Good morning everyone, how are you all feeling?

Queen Elsa: Like I got hit by a bus <3

Other Bekker: it was a four door sedan actually

Queen Elsa: That’s not helpful 

Other Bekker: :)

Maggie<3: I’m doing good, just sore. 

Ethan Choi: I took Crockett to his hospital today, he’s inpatient for five days, longer if he’s a threat to himself or his sobriety

Other Bekker: hot take but did he agree

Dr. Lanik: We spend so much time talking about Crockett

FreeWilly: theres always something to talk about with him you know

Bekker: on another note, we’re hosting a movie party next week if anyone’s interested. Kid friendly for our daughter. Disney movies, no alcohol, lots of food.

Queen Elsa: I’ll be there! I love disney

Queen Elsa: If I’m out of the hospital

April: You probably will be @QueenElsa

connor: @OtherBekker Crockett didn’t want to go at first but he eventually agreed it was best. he’s allowed to have his phone and if he passes three evals in a row, he can check out. he failed this morning’s eval obviously

no-ah: i worry about him

connor: don’t, besides, he wouldn’t like that 

Queen Elsa: how ever will we be stuffed with his home cooking? /s

Dr. Lanik: What’s /s

Queen Elsa: It means I’m being sarcastic or making a joke, since tone doesn’t always come over text

Dr. Lanik: That’s such a good idea? 

Queen Elsa: It really is, and it’s really helpful for neurodivergent and anxious people, like me.

Other Bekker: solidarity

Dr. Lanik: What’s neurodivergent?

Queen Elsa: It describes someone who has an “abnormal” (I don’t think that’s the best word?) development or brain function. Basically it just means that your brain doesn’t function the same way as most people. I’m neurodivergent because I’m autistic. 

Other Bekker: me too because I have ADHD. and Crockett.

Dr. Lanik: Oh. I’m neurodivergent.

Other Bekker: neurodivergent squad

crickett: adhd/ocd babey

Bekker: Does OCD count?

Queen Elsa: Depends who you ask but most people say yes

Nat: I’ve literally never heard of this 

crickett: point and laugh it’s a nt

Queen Elsa: (NT means neurotypical, which is someone who isn’t neurodivergent)

Queen Elsa: That’s not very nice Crockett.

crickett: natalie isn’t very nice to me about being nd so 

Dr. Lanik: Oh?

connor: to be fair Nat you’re kinda rude about stuff that’s out of people’s control

Nat: Why am I being attacked right now?

Other Bekker: you’re not lmao

Dr. Lanik: Let’s all take a deep breath and calm down. 

FreeWilly: That’s a yikes from me

Maggie<3: I’ve never heard of that stuff, thank you Elsa.

Queen Elsa: No problem. I have some good websites for reading if anyone cares.

Dr. Lanik: DM them to me please 

no-ah: I think I might be neurodivergent

crickett: squad goals

Other Bekker: never met a neurotypical friend group, always most of ems got to be divergent

-

Dr. Lanik: Thank you, I didn’t know that there’s a whole… community, if that makes sense?

Elsa Curry: Yeah no problem. I didn’t know until I was in college, and I joined a club for Autistic people like me. It’s really nice to talk to people who understand what it’s like and have shared experience. 

Dr. Lanik: Are there organizations like that for adults? As in, ones for people like me?

Elsa Curry: Probably! You can look it up online and I’ll keep an eye out for something you might like. 

Dr. Lanik: Thank you.

[ofcamerasflashing]

bipolar disorder ( adhd ) . self harm . gad . various treatments.

Please read those words carefully as it might be triggering.  Didn’t go into vivid detail in any area but there are mentions.   This is me taking part in  @prcgressively‘s mental health questionnaire in writing.  This is meant to be a personal experience thing.  Please don’t reblog this !  You can comment on it or anything but that’s it.  

what were / are your formal diagnoses & how do you feel about them?

Both GAD and bipolar disorder are  both formal diagnosed things for me.

how old were you & what led up to your diagnosis?

So for ADHD  (when I was a small child)  it was likely that I was around 6/7 years old.  I was a small kid so it wasn’t something BIG thing I remember?  More like it was something I was always diagnosised with in my mind.  Self harm started in my teenage years (Can’t give an exact age),  and well,  Bipolar disorder is the recent diagnosis for me. I was 21 when I got that one diagnosised. I wasn’t diagnosied with it until I was in the hospital.

is there a common stigma you face about your diagnoses?

That bipolar disorder is JUST MOOD SWINGS.  Oh my gosh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that it was just my mood swinging left or right.  With anxiety there is the “YOU ARE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.” thing ? The why can’t you just shut it off?

what are your most common anxieties that you experience & what do those thoughts look like?

Talking to people?  Asking questions at stores.  Just panic about anything from a loud noise to worried about my life and how I’m not exactly like other adults my age.

how do you think your experience is unique having both bipolar & anxiety? do they clash or balance each other out? does it depend on the day?

They clash constantly.  If I’m not manic or depressive, I have anxiety that tells me “What if I am and I don’t know it? What if I’m in an episode and just not able to realize it.”

what does a manic episode look like for you? what about a depressive one? how often do they last? which one is worse?

Depressive episodes come with self harm,  sleeping for days on end and still feeling tired. It’s not brushing my hair or my teeth.  It’s crying at the drop of a hat or not feeling anything but TIRED and I’m not talking tired of walking,  it’s tired of everything from sitting up to being alive.

Manic episodes can come with seeing things   ( like actually seeing things ) to laying in bed afraid to uncover my head because I swore something is gonna attack me.  It can be not sleeping but three hours and being AWAKE to the point I could go for a two hour walk and still feel like I was wired.  It’s having energry for days and saying impulsive shit to people. It’s telling someone EXACTLY what I think and not giving a fuck about them because I feel ontop of the world.  It’s not realizing I hurt someone until days later when I read messages back and go WHAT THE FUCK?? It’s not remembering half the things I told someone in a conversation and being afraid to talk to them the next time I see them because what if I spilled everything to them??  It’s self harming in hopes that I will come down for the high.

I think both are pretty even for me in terms of what is worse?  Both are HORRIBLE and I wouldn’t wish it.  The biggest issue is I can CRAVE that high again days after I’m out of it. It’s sitting in a depressive episode and praying that a HIGH will come to me so I don’t feel this way.  

My manic episodes can last like a week at the most ??  Three days was the LEAST amount of time I had a manic episode but that was because PROFFISIONALS got in the middle of it and broke it with medications.  

Depressive episodes are longer,  two weeks is pretty normal for me to go with that.  

what symptoms do you face most often & how do you cope with them?

So I talked a bit about my symptoms above.  Hullicinations,  not sleeping,  not eating or eating too much,  sleeping too much.  I’m BOTH extremes.  If you think of a symptom for mania,  well on the flip side I get the other extreme.  So if I’m not eating ENOUGH in a manic episode,  during a depressive episode I’m more likely to eat too much.  

Coping wise?  Since starting therapy up again in a more targetted way.  Distractions are beyond helpful for self harm.  It’s positive self talk, it’s actually really hard and I’m not good at coping in healthy ways. 

how has bipolar disorder , anxiety , self harm & various treatment representation in media / on the rpc affected you? do you have any positive examples or negative examples? 

Mental hospitals aren’t BAD but they aren’t good either.  It has come a LONG WAY from back in the day.  They aren’t “scary, dark, loud places were everyone is bunched together.” 

Positive experiences?  Spinning out to me was beautifully done.  It’s a TV show on netflix that is about a figure skater that has bipolar disorder and so does her mother.  I watched it and sobbed. I’ve met a lot of amazing people that we talk about our mental health.

do you know anyone else with bipolar disorder / anxiety / struggles with self harm , or heard stories of anyone that has? what about their experience is different than yours that you know of?

They are different. It runs in my family to have bipolar disorder and we can have the same symptoms but react to them differently. Our mania is different.  Self harm is different and how far we go,  what we do is different even.  I change methods in what I do while others I know stick to ONE THING.

what treatment are you currently participating in for your diagnoses?  

Medications  &  therapy

what treatments (meds, programs, hospitals, therapy, etc) have you undergone for your diagnoses?   

I’ve done CBT, EMDR, Outpatient therapy  (Partial hospitalization ) ,  hospitalization.  I’ve done a lot of different things so filling out how it works, what’s it called, choices, etc all can be answered if you have more questions about any of these. 

what words, stereotypes or misconceptions should writers absolutely avoid or use with caution when writing bipolar characters?

Mood swings! Please don’t make your character just have mood swings and therefore “has bipolar disorder.”  It’s not mood swings,  it’s not going from HIGH moments to suddenly LOW moments in a single day.  There is something called a MIXED episode were you have both manic highs and lows at the same time but that’s not the same thing as your mood swinging and just being moody.

can i put your name / url on the guide or would you like to remain anonymous? and can writers approach you to ask questions?

You can ask questions! Sure.   Link this if you want!  I don’t mind asks being sent or anything else!  Not relavent to Mental health but I have personal experience in being hard of hearing as well. Never be afraid to ask questions if you need it!

[binnie-binnie-bambam]

where I’ve been...?

hey. I feel like I owe y’all an explanation as to where I’ve been for the last 3 months. but imma put it the whole big detailed story under the cut just in case y’all don’t care haha and coz I don’t wanna clog up people’s feed with my incessant rambling.

TL;DR: I’ve been through 3 months of mental hell and that took a big toll on everything, including my love of a lot of things, so I’ve been struggling but I’m gonna try to be on here more and I’m sorry for being away for so long and not saying anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has tagged me in things and sent me messages during this time, I have seen it, I promise, even if I haven’t been in the right headspace to respond, you have made this time even just a bit more bearable, and for that I thank you greatly.

so yeah, things have been rough to say the least. I want to explain what’s been going on because I’ve always been pretty open on here and I know a lot of other people struggle with the same things so I don’t feel so alone. basically, I’ve fallen into another awful depression. I’ve lost my passion and drive and desire, I’ve lost the ability to find joy in things, I have no interest in hardly anything at all, I’m just not...me...right now.

I mean, my whole summer was crazy busy because I was spending almost all of my time doing wedding prep for my best friend/cousin’s wedding so I really didn’t have much time for myself and if I did, I was too exhausted to do anything I wanted to do. that’s when my partial inactivity started. I also started to see a new psychiatrist over the summer and he started me on new meds around August. since August, over a span of ~5 months, I’ve been on and off 6+ new meds, being treated for severe anxiety, panic attacks that resurfaced after being free of them for over 4 years, severe depression, ADHD, and trying different things to see if I had bipolar, as well as having a heart condition, thyroid issues, and fibromyalgia all going haywire.

I was pretty much ok through September, aside from some not so fun side effects that got me on and off 3 new meds in that month alone. like my mood and motivation and everything was fine, we had the engagement party and bachelorette party at the beginning of the month, I got to spend a bunch of time with the guy I have a (stupid) crush on, I was busy, things were going pretty great, honestly. but October rolled around. the first half wasn’t so bad, we had a girls’ trip for a weekend sort of as a last hoorah before my best friend got hitched and that was a lot of fun and I’m super thankful I was able to go, especially since I originally thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it due to family circumstances.

and wedding prep continued on, until I was driving over to my aunt’s house for the last day of prep and things started to hit me. my aunt and I got really close this past year and this was the last time I was spending with her for a long time, like sure we see each other once in a while but I was going over there and going shopping with her and doing all sorts of stuff multiple times a week and I think I just got scared of the idea that I was facing a new normal all over again when my normal had already changed so drastically at the beginning of last year. and also the fact that my best friend was getting married and moving an hour away when she used to be 10 minutes away and I saw her all the time. like we had the rehearsal dinner the Sunday before the wedding and my oldest cousin made this speech (because she knew she’d be sobbing too much to actually make it at the wedding) and she talked about us three girls as kids growing up and all this stuff about my best friend and how perfect her fiance was for her and it was just all really sobering I guess?

and I spent a lot of nights that week writing and rewriting a letter to the couple and I definitely spent most of that time sobbing over everything and sometime that week my mood just plummeted. my dad got /really/ concerned because the change in me was /so/ drastic but there wasn’t much we could do with only a few days until the wedding so we just hoped for the best and waited till my appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the next step. I ended up getting a migraine at the wedding (I know it was from stress and from being so upset) so I couldn’t have a good time like I wanted to and I knew I’d regret it and I definitely regret it but I can’t change anything now. I got to hug the bride and groom goodbye just as they were leaving and I’ve never struggled so hard trying not to cry, which I mean, my best friend was sooo close to becoming a sobbing mess hugging me too, and the groom, well he was a blubbering mess (he’s a very emotional dude, all three of us have sobbed watching movies together, we’re a sight lmao) so I didn’t feel too strange haha. but it was a really weird feeling and it was really hard to sleep at the hotel that night. we drove home in the rain the next morning and did absolutely nothing the entire day.

then the news hit about Woojin and I spent my Monday night quite literally sobbing myself to sleep. at that time, I was still pretty new to skz but it still hurt like hell and I know my depression warped the emotions out of proportion but it was still so incredibly painful. but nothing could prepare me for the news about Wonho. nothing. I was already so deep into my depression and that just, I still don’t even have words. something hasn’t hit me that hard in I don’t even know how long. I couldn’t even cry, it took me over 2 months to cry about it because it just hurt too much. I still can’t listen to any of their music, I can’t even see photos of them without bursting into tears, and I’m ashamed at myself for being so attached to something that I react this badly, but even more so, I’m upset with myself that I can’t support them when they need it most because it causes me so much physical and emotional pain I just can’t deal with it. I’m not giving up on them, god no, I know it probably sounds like I am, but I swear I’m not. I love them way too much for that. it’s not even possible to describe how much mx and Wonho mean to me, I’m not giving up on them, I’m just handling things in my own way at my own pace, I guess.

from then on, things just spiraled out of control. on and off more meds, more and more problems arose, I really felt like I could not keep my head above water. and on top of it, I had the 7th anniversary of my grandma’s death in early November and the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death in early December and to say the least, that did not have the best effect on my mental health. it’s been 3 months of pretty much hell. I genuinely have /no/ interest in things I used to do, none of my hobbies, everything, and I mean everything, is a chore. it’s still like this. but I’m trying to do more to fix it. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I just spent 6 weeks getting another med out of my system so hopefully when I see him, he’ll try something new and we’ll actually make progress instead of taking 2 steps forward and 8 steps back. I haven’t lost hope yet.

there’s been many, many times in these past few months where I’ve felt like I’ve already hit rock bottom and I’m just waiting for the final blow to finish me off. but, if I’m being completely honest, what’s kept me going has been my really close friends on here that have stuck with me this whole time and my love for kpop which thankfully, god thank you, hasn’t diminished whatsoever despite everything. I can confidently say, I wouldn’t still be here without my friends, you know who you are my loves. y’all keep my world turning and no matter how painful it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t have made it this far, I wouldn’t want to keep going, I wouldn’t owe my life to you guys, so thank you, more than words can express. I love you all to the moon and back. and then some.

so this has just been paragraphs upon paragraphs of me rambling so I really don’t know why you would’ve stayed and read the whole damn thing, but if you did, thank you, I feel a lot better getting things off my chest. and this isn’t to say I’m back completely, I can’t guarantee how active I’ll actually be, but I’ll do my best to spend some more time on here because I genuinely do miss this place and all the amazing people in it. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, especially without any real explanation. I’m going to do my best to rediscover my love for things, I may have lost it for a time, but it’s not gone completely.

~

until next time, this has been “aly won’t shut up”. thank you and goodnight, I love y’all

[jadeimpala67]

Rant ahead and idk how to add that cut page thingy

_______

Lemme tell you what "moving up the corporate ladder" in America looks like, when you're poor.

When you're making minimum wage or less, you get housing assistance. Food assistance. Medical assistance. Which comes in handy since you literally cannot support yourself.

I'll use my state, Connecticut, as an example.

In CT, the minimum right now is $10.10/hr.

The state will help you if that's your only income. With everything. You may not get the best of the best, and a lot of the doctors you see won't actually care, but all of your appointment are covered. Your medications are covered. Emergencies are covered. Food, covered. housing takes a long ass time, but you're covered. As you live paycheck to paycheck and literally all of your money to bills.

That was my life. Never had the best doctors, but at least I could be seen by someone. I could get out the teeth rotting my skull. I could afford to eat for a while. Back at that job, the state minimum was $8.25/hr. But we survived.

Then I got a raise at my old job, the state cut my stamps to $14 a month. A month. But I tried not to panic because I lived with other people and we pulled our weight. And we had friends from wealth willing to help us if we needed it - which it was rare of us to ask.

Then time passed. I moved a lot. The state minimum was raised to $10.10. I got my current job and worked part time.

But then I became homeless.

Now see, dear Tumblr, this is where shit gets tricky. Because when you're homeless, you can't buy food in bulk. You can't. Where would you put it??? Critters would get to it. How would you cook it? No, you had to spend money every day to make sure you were fed. But that doesn't mean you stop paying your bills.

I was fortunate. I didn't have a car or insurance. I had a phone ($72.56/m), and a storage unit ($52/m). BUT. I got paid bi weekly, and only worked part time. I was bringing home an average of $320 a week. So roughly $640 per paycheck. But I didn't have a car - which meant I had to Uber to get to places I needed to go.

I had to buy food, every single day. I had to expand my wardrobe so I didn't have to go to the laundromat every 4 days. I had to spend money at Dunkin and Subway so I wouldn't get kicked off of their property for loitering - which bought me time away from my unit so I wouldn't get arrested.

Now it wasn't ALL bad. I was definitely more fortunate in some areas than others. But I also needed a laptop (not only for gishwhes, but to have something to charge my phone with/use for music and tv. Phones only lasted for so long.) ($120 - discounted from original price of $165). I needed a new backpack because mine was falling apart ($60), which I still have. I needed new shoes after 3 months because I walked so much.

It's impossible to save money when you're homeless. Everything drains it away.

Now fast forward to a year later. I'm finally in an apartment, roommate, my own room, switched to overnights so I get $1 more an hour, more bills, upped to full-time, due for a promotion.

I'm making $12.10/hr. Which sounds great! Right? Except - now I have benefits. That are being deducted from every paycheck. So now. Bringing home an average of $362/week - which is a lot less than I was taking home making 8 fucking dollars an hour. But now I'm also getting it every two weeks. $725, on average, every two weeks; sometimes with overtime, if I can get away with it (usually we can't).

So now in addition to all the new bills I have to pay (rent, rent a center washer and dryer, my phone, Netflix, 2 credit card bills), that's half of my paycheck already.

I never make it paycheck to paycheck - I run out of money about a week in, so my coworkers and my grandmother help me out, which I pay them back for on payday. There's another huge chunk, gone.

Then there's times I gotta pay for therapy ($70), and now my psychology appointment ($85). My new ADHD meds are $25.66 per perscription.

So, after all of that, let's do some math what my average month looks like-

$725 x 2 (avg. paycheck for two months)

$1450

-$175 x2 (half my rent automatically comes out per paycheck so I'm never late)

- $75 (phone)

- $95 (RAC)

- $32 (credit card 1)

- $95 (credit card 2)

After all the big bills, that leaves me with $897.34

After therapy -$70

$827.34

After my med check appt -$56

$771.34

After refilling my prescription -$26

$745.34

Now that's for the whole month. I never see that grand total, because that's now how bills and living work. So let's be hypothetical and just divide it down the middle, k?

$745.34/2 = $372.67 to last me for two weeks.

$372.67 to pay for food, Uber, and emergencies.

Uber to get to my job from my home is anywhere from $11-$16 depending on the day to day - one way. Which means if I don't have a ride in, I gotta spend about $30 round trip to go to work and get home.

Idk about you, but I usually end up spending about $200~ on food. Both immediate snacks at work to get my through the shift, and buying in bulk to take home.

(lemme put it to you this way, sometimes I need a little caffeine to jumpstart my work day, $2.50, or I can buy an entire carton and being that shit home $4)

Now it comes to this - right now, I've got $29 left over in my bank account, $30 I owe my grandma in cash, and roughly a $32 balance on my credit card. I'm sick. Like really sick. I've got an infection in my throat and it is kicking my ass.

I don't have free healthcare anymore. I've got "real" healthcare through my job, with a $3,000 deductable. Which means I either pay the whole thing out if pocket, or a partial amount.

Three years ago, I had strep, I just went down to the nearest walk in clinic, gave them my medicare insurance, walked away with antibiotics, I was fine within a week.

Just. Fucking. Now. I had to spend $6 to get to the nearest clinic, waited for 30 minutes, just for them to tell me that because I was a new paitent with this insurance, my "best case scenario" would be owing them $120. For a strep test and antibiotics.

Obviously, I don't have $120 fucking dollars. I was turned away. So now I STILL have an infection, no medication, no loa note to being to my job to save my ass, and I'm faced with the delema of "Do I go to work anyway and risk passing this infection to the general public?? Or do I take the paycut, risk my job because of an absence, and get stuck with a shitty paycheck by next payday, because now I'm missing day 3 of work this month alone?"

America doesn't want you to do better.

If you're poor, you've gotta stay poor. If you're rich, then stay rich. Otherwise fuck you and your health, and your dreams, and your bills.

[veridiandreams]

Started Concerta (18mg) - My Timeline So Far

Day 1 - felt the effects shortly after taking it in the morning. I felt calm. Relieved. The anxiety was gone. I was stunned. So happy! It lasted until about mid-afternoon, and then I noticed the shift instantly when it likely wore off (it’s a low dose). Racing heart, jittery, disorganized thoughts. Making dinner took forever because I was all over the place. How did I function like this my whole life?? Couldn’t fall asleep until 2am due to hyperfixation on Reddit (dopamine seeking).

Day 2 - had no effect; I was a ball of anxiety and moodiness, felt frustrated it wasn’t working like the day before. But this was also a very busy and stressful workday and I was already trying to function on a sleep deficit. (As a side note, this also may have been hormonal - I get one bad “doom and gloom” PMS day before my cycle starts.) once again, couldn’t fall asleep until after 2am (Reddit again).

Day 3 - it worked better than day 2. Had a relatively good work day. I could tell my communication was better, my demeanor calmer. I wasn’t talking as fast, etc. started to wear off at around 1pm, and then I was all over the place again, my usual ADHD mess of a self (also, still dealing with some work stress, and had a lot of environmental distractions that I was struggling with since I worked from home). Didn’t fall asleep until after 3am because I hyperfixated on a book I’m reading even though I knew I’d have to get up early for a social event the next day. ( I skipped to the end and read the last 4 chapters cuz I HAD TO KNOW if the characters got together in the end - dopamine reward was taking too long!)

Day 4 - super exhausted now of course because of my awful sleep schedule. But took my meds and the usual - it helped, but only a little bit today. Managed to focus on my kiddo today, and cleaned the house a little (although that part took twice as long since by now the meds pretty much wore off). Went to bed a little earlier - 1:30am, which is an improvement, but not great.

Day 5 - Not feeling the effects as much today, but once again could be partially influenced by stress and lack of sleep.  Or, my body is adjusting to the dosage, and maybe I’ll need a stronger dose so it can be more effective.  But today I’m noticing how often my thoughts get distracted or derailed, I noticed how I rambled to my therapist today during our session.  I keep catching myself, and having to consciously pull myself back to task.

So, just keeping an eye on it, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a higher dose or a different medication.

[sfigulyart]

Thursday, November 18th, 2021: Putting the Pain in Paint

Living with Endo, OCD, and ADHD

I recently learned that my period & cycle may often affect the effectiveness of my ADHD medication (which is also partially my OCD med regimen, too) during that specific time of the month (week before, week of, and week after). I’ve noticed this before, and I simply didn’t have any name to put to the symptoms I experienced.

In middle school, I got my period for the first time. I was in seventh grade. We were taking the math section of the PSSAs. Standardized testing was never my forte, and when I felt the warm discomfort of my uterine tissue leaking out of my body, I completely lost my train of thought. Math was not my strength. I had to ask to go to the nurse. I had on neon green sweatpants, joggers from Aeropostale. My mom worked that day, so my dad picked me up, a relief. My parents were consumed by their unhealed wounds, and they sufficiently explained to me that this wasn’t a bad thing.

My mom directly said “Now you can get pregnant, so don’t be fooling around with any boys.” Around twelve years old, her statement felt weird to me, and I didn’t say anything, just that I didn’t want any boys to touch me. She said “Yeah, we’ll see. You better be careful.” I had not lost my virginity at this point, still a child whose body decided to switch on puberty in the middle of a test.

It feels like for some people, humans who bleed either become less enticing or more enticing once puberty hits. Perverts don’t want anything to do with our maturing bodies, and perverts with differing interests want everything to do with our brand new bodies, bodies our minds haven’t quite caught up to just yet. It’s scary, growing up AFAB/with a uterus/femme-presenting. If I had a dollar for each entitled man that believed my body meant nothing to me and arousal to him.

With the lived experience of white men everywhere trying to control my reproductive system (and I’m white, so I don’t even have the full experience that non-white humans experience), finding out I had endometriosis felt like a gut punch that penetrated stomach and took exit through my back, just missing my spine. My body fights me so much. My brain fights me. It doesn’t make my life less worth living; it’s frustrating. I’m pissed off about it, especially when I think about the ways my mother spoke to me and perceived sexuality and sexual health.

I’m in pain because of the inflamed tissue in my abdomen, I’m in pain because my body physiologically reacts differently to the medication I’m prescribed to manage my neuropsychiatric and mental health disorders. My neurodivergence directly affects the medication that helps me get through the day functionally! That’s some bullshit. My parents chose to yell at me, tell me how bad I am, and shame me instead of treating the brain dysfunction I suffered through every day.

My OCD is chronic, no cure, though treatable. So is my ADHD. If my parents had taken a curious over furious approach, who’s to say how I’d be managing my physical symptoms of endo combined with the neuropsychiatric and cognitive symptoms of the other disorders? I don’t necessarily think it’s a great idea to ruminate on what could of been, though honoring what could have been matters in respect to healing those wounds. Appreciating that I understand now what I needed then, accepting that my parents were not equipped to manage their own emotional and mental health, so they couldn’t have possibly understood how to do that for children of their own. Whole other human beings.

While I was busy managing my mom’s emotions, my body and mind were digging deeper graves, graves I would eventually have to claw myself out of later in adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad I clawed my fucking way out of those trenches, though that’s not something I would’ve had to do if my parents and their parents did the healing work necessary to protect us future generations and generations after us.

It scares me to think I possess the potential to do what my mother did to me to a baby of my own (adopted or biological). That’s one of my top five worst fears, and that’s telling. My parents took my cries for help as personal attacks, attacks on their parenting, and if you think about it, how egotistical is that? That when your child is crying out for help in whatever ways they do, you take it as an attack on your parenting and choices? Bro, help your kid. Stop thinking about yourself. That’s where a lot of these core issues begin in the Narcissistic Family System. That’s where we learn to suppress our emotions to protect theirs; that’s where we learn to suppress our pain because our parents’ pain is the top priority; that’s where we learn to put every other lifeform on this planet before ourselves until we lose ourselves. Finding my voice was the first step in healing pain, whether physical or otherwise.

I suffered for so long with my pleas for help floating off to the wayside because I was “a bad kid,” “too dramatic and sensitive,” and “trying to get out of doing things.” Instead of thinking, Hm, maybe my child is having issues with their brain, my parents chose to call me lazy and disrespectful and angry and all of these other words that inherently attempted to change the truth of my experience and the narrative of my reality to fit their agenda. I’m not pointing the finger at them or blaming them; I am describing the ways in which their perception affect me now, as an adult, in my own life separate from my family of origin.

They were unable to respect me, my autonomy, and my pain. My brother recently messaged me to tell me he hates me because of how terrible I am as a sister, about how I don’t have a job, etc. etc., and I just don’t care about opinions driven by the false narrative of my narcissistic mother who has a history of denying my pain to prioritize her emotional needs, needs she should be able to meet on her own. I will not deny my pain, my problems, or my perceptions anymore to people please and protect people who should’ve been protecting me. Talking around problems does not solve them, and after a lifetime of being invalidated, gaslighted, manipulated, and love-bombed, I wish only peace for her and the rest of my family of origin. I don’t have the time or energy to waste on trying to convince people who are supposed to unconditionally love me that I am lovable. Especially when my body and mind are struggling with these levels of pain.

My body makes decisions I don’t agree with, and so why would I put up with external sources trying to steal away my autonomy to make themselves more comfortable in their unfulfilled lives. No shade, no hate. I’m living a life that we be a breath of fresh air upon my death bed. When my life flashes before my eyes, I want it to be a life I stand by, a life I’m proud of, a life where lessons were learned and love was expressed. I want it to be a life where I chose myself and the family I decided to build. I want it to be a life where the pain happened, and it didn’t stop me from achieving the goals my passions drive me to achieve.

I’ll admit, creating is hard today, though I’ll get here. It just might be a little bit of a slower process today, and that’s okay! :’)

Taking this pain one day at a time, thinking of lost friends, and hoping that you all find some little sprinkles of peace and joy throughout your day today!

[sidenotelife]

Week 3 family medicine. An emergency residency power rankings.

Y’all this is an emergency. I changed my mind about what specialty I want to do, again. I can’t decide if it doesn’t make any sense or if it makes absolute sense, but I think I want to do family medicine. 

Whenever I try to articulate this predicament the inevitable question is, “OK so you won’t do research anymore?” Which, no, I want to roll through family medicine residency + OB fellowship + addiction psychiatry fellowship because I have a suspicion that it will give me the best chance to do research that will matter. Sidenote - Before doing my PhD in cancer biology, I thought for sure cancer research/pediatric oncology was going to be the path for me. It would be the perfect mix of the intellectual complexity of cancer research with the emotional intensity of giving kids with cancer a chance at life. But partway during my PhD as I consumed more and more science, I started questioning if cancer research was the best way for me to do creative work that mattered. What I found was that cancer biology is loaded with bright scientists. Everyday talented individuals are kicked to the curb simply because there are so many talented individuals. And I recognize that we live in a country based on the idea that competition drives innovation, but I don’t think I’m fit for a competitive environment. Sidenote - one of my most core qualities is a desire to be needed.  During early mornings in the lab while I binge listened My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, I kept having the same existential debate with myself: if I didn’t do cancer research would it matter to cancer? NBA analogy - like, what would be my WAR? (Wins above replacement). I may be able to add to cancer research but what could I offer over the scientist I squeezed out? Would it matter to the greater moral arc of the universe? Sidenote - I am obsessed with this question. Do I matter? Can I matter? Does mattering matter? (the answer to all three is probably no but it doesn’t hurt to ask)

Ultimately, coming out of my PhD I concluded that I wouldn’t keep going with cancer research. The competitiveness brought with it an obsession with productivity that I didn’t mesh with. Productivity is good because it indicates hustling, but it’s only good to an extent. The problem is that what is deemed as productive is not necessarily what is good for knowledge. What’s often rewarded is some nebulous blend of high-impact journals and raw number of publications. Sidenote - This is classic Goodhart’s law which, sidenote within a sidenote, is just like Step 1. Goodhart’s law states that as soon as a measure becomes a target it ceases to be a good measure. I don’t doubt that the best scientists back in the day had so many good ideas that they cranked about publications but as soon as that became a sign of being a good scientist the system got flooded with scientists that valued publications over results that mattered. The same goes for Step 1. If you took the med students from thirty years ago, before Step 1 became a proxy for how much/how easily you could make $$$ as a doctor, it probably did represent the best students. Now I think Step 1 can still be a partial indicator of studentship but the knowledge on Step 1 is largely oriented around memorizing tons of fun facts about rare diseases, and memorizing fun facts can be gamed. Even in specialty clinics like pediatric neurology I saw a lot of patients with headaches but not a lot with lysosomal storage diseases. It has to be apparent to some, if not all, that fun facts is not the best way to measure future doctors. This is a whole other post so I’ll stop for now but basically my point is that I wanted to find a research field that was less clouded by Goodhart’s law, one that wasn’t oversaturated with scientists, one that may allow a smidge more breathing room and allow for a creative approach to repairing the world. 

Now having almost finished my first in-depth exposure to the clinical realm, I’ve found several good research topics. Sidenote - two ideas that I don’t plan to pursue that I think someone else should are: 1) Understanding the molecular mechanism of IVIG as a treatment for pediatric rheumatologic diseases and using this understanding to develop targeted therapies for rheumatologic diseases and 2) Applying basic biological findings in epithelial-to-mesenchymal transition to the in vivo modification of enteric nervous system migration in digestive diseases such as irritable bowel syndrome. Those just sound like RO1′s, am I right? But the idea that I can’t stop thinking about is fetal alcohol syndrome. 

Fetal alcohol syndrome first crossed my mind around the time I was on an addiction psychiatry rotation. At this time I had just come off OB and loved it. I had this vision of working with high-risk pregnancies as a maternal-fetal medicine doc/fetal surgeon and filling my science niche by studying the basic mechanisms of fetal development. It made sense and honestly it still makes sense to me today, but I loved the patients on addiction psychiatry. I have never felt a stronger desire to be there for any other patients I have come across in the hospital. Through their eyes I could see the depths of suffering that are caused and cause substance abuse. I had to find a way to meld OB with these patients, and so I landed on fetal alcohol syndrome. It brought the aspect of substance abuse to high-risk pregnancies and as a bonus it added on kid brains (pediatric neurosurgery was my #1 for a few months). 

And finally this brings me back to family medicine. Family medicine could be the perfect specialty for being a fetal alcohol syndrome expert because of the range. I think to be an expert for such a complex disease you have to think about the child affected by prenatal alcohol exposure, the pregnant woman binge drinking every night, and the pre-pregnant woman abusing alcohol. Sidenote - the thing I’ve loved most about my family medicine rotations is how seamlessly psychiatry sneaks into a visit about allergies. I love this because I want to capture patients into the psychiatry pipeline. Like once a patient realizes they need help I’m happy to refer them off to a psychiatrist, but it’s that first step of getting a patient to admit that their addiction is a problem that gets me excited. And I would bet that’s the headspace for a lot of fetal alcohol syndrome moms. And sidenote, if we’re moving towards a paradigm in which addiction is a disease rather than a character flaw, we have to make additions to the current model of simply telling moms not to drink. We as physicians and scientists need to reach alcohol abusing pregnant women and parse out the disease from feelings to molecules. If we can better understand the cross-talk between alcohol abuse and pregnancy we could reverse a major cause of intellectual disability. I really believe this could change the world. 

In addition to the range, the other power to family medicine is the long-term doctor-patient relationships. I think the best way to reach these alcohol abusing pregnant patients is a strong doctor-patient relationship, and I think rural family medicine is the only place this sort of relationship could be developed. In a rural place I could see the future fetal alcohol syndrome moms for birth control, allergies, ADHD med refills, the usual primary care stuff. I could see fetal alcohol syndrome moms through their pregnancies and get my surgery fix from c-sections. I could see fetal alcohol syndrome kids in well visits. This works. I can see the path. 

see you on the other side,

from ken

[autisticlassiedog]

After talking to my mom about it, I’m like. almost sure I had ADHD-C (combined, meaning both inattentive and hyperactive types) as a kid. Just....not sure about adult me. A few ADHD kids do grow to develop more neurotypical brains by the time they become adults, and I’m thinking that may be the case with me.

I mean, yeah, I’m not going to state anything for certain without talking to my mental health professionals first. But: I do think I had ADHD as a kid.

Also, I don’t see said professionals until March 9th. So.....it’s hard not to go crazy with thoughts in the meantime.

All that said, turns out one of my meds is sometimes used to treat ADHD (just off label), so maybe I can’t judge my current issues well because of that. (Supposedly the med can improve concentration and also in trial was shown to make it easier to start difficult or sequential tasks.)

(You can also have “ADHD in partial remission”, meaning while you did qualify for diagnosis as a child, you no longer have all the symptoms needed for diagnosis but you still have some that are prominent and cause you issues. And maybe that’s me, idk.)

[understandingchaoss]

Surviving Mental Illness in Adulthood

Approximately 1 in 5 youth aged 13-18 (21.4%) experiences a severe mental disorder at some point during their adolescence. 

I can’t really say I grew up with mental illness from an early age. I don’t recall things starting to feel abnormal until I was about 12 or 13 years of age. However, I do know that I have always had problems sleeping. So maybe insomnia was always present. I used to have this tremendous fear of fire. I thought that just about anything and everything would cause a fire. I feared that we would lose our house, and that I was the only one that would make it out alive. So when it came time to fall asleep, not only could I just not fall asleep because my brain didn’t allow it, but I couldn’t relax because I thought something was going to catch fire. If and when I did actually fall asleep at night, staying asleep didn’t exist. I don’t know where the fear started from, and I don’t remember at what age it began. But I can at least say that the only time I can ever recall sleeping soundly - whether that be falling asleep right away or staying asleep - was when I was about 15 or 16 and began taking an anti-psychotic medication that knocked me out cold. 

I didn’t grow up with bipolar disorder or paranoid schizophrenia; I actually don’t have either to this day. But many children, who develop a mental illness very early on in life, typically show signs of one or the other. It’s common, and most people don’t shame the child or their family for it. My childhood was happy. I felt perfectly fine and normal until I was in the seventh grade.

I remember telling my mom that something didn’t feel right when she asked if everything was okay. I was a kid. I had no idea that my neurotransmitters were no longer firing properly and that my hormones and chemicals were way off balance. 

Heck, I didn’t even know what a neurotransmitter was and I had no idea my brain even produced chemicals and hormones. I just knew something inside of my head didn’t feel right. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed to go to the doctor and begin my journey on medications. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed about having to sit down with the school counselor twice a week and my psychotherapist once a week. But I was embarrassed mostly because it was all a new thing, and it wasn’t what the “cool kids” were doing. Honestly, it seemed like everywhere I went and everyone I met, didn’t really seem to care or mind, or even have anything to say about any of it. ADD and ADHD are extremely common among adolescents. Children with either developmental disability almost always see a psychiatrist and take medications. Everyone knows that, and the stigma surrounding it isn’t too bad. It’s just the same surrounding kids who have depression or any other common mental illness. Except most children outgrow both ADD and ADHD once they reach adulthood, and eventually no longer have to see a psychiatrist and take those medications. This, my friends, is where the problem starts.

I, as a child, was expected to grow out of my mental illnesses once I reached adulthood just like almost any other child would do with their developmental disabilities. I felt immense pressure to do well and be better and become normal again once I rounded the bend in my high school career and hit my final year before becoming an adult. Why? Because as an adolescent, my mental illnesses weren’t even viewed as mental illnesses; they were viewed as developmental disabilities that I would eventually grow out of.

Here I was becoming an adult, moving out, paying my bills, and taking care of myself and my own responsibilities. Everyone had high hopes for me. Everyone expected things to suddenly be sunshine and rainbows once I hit 18, because only children have mental illness since it’s only a developmental issue and not a possible lifelong thing, right? Here I was doing all of the things everyone expected out of me, except I had to sit down and shut up about my mental illnesses because I felt as though I wasn’t even allowed to have them any longer.

I still, to this day, see my child psychiatrist. I still, to this day, am on medications. I still, to this day, am in counseling. I still, to this day, deal with the same mental illnesses, as well several others that developed in my adulthood. I am ashamed that I still, to this day, can admit that I see the same guy that society deems as an under-educated “doctor” who only uses his title to make money off of me. I am ashamed that I still, to this day, can admit that I take several of those little pills on a daily basis that society deems as some compacted mixture of crap that the pharmaceutical industry has designed only to say they will fix people like me, but they won’t. I am ashamed that I still, to this day, can admit that I sit down with a woman, on a weekly basis, that society deems as unfit to guide me and help me because she too is only there to make money off of me with the promise that she can fix me. I am ashamed that I still, to this day, can admit that not only do I still deal with the same mental illnesses I was diagnosed with all those years ago, but I also deal with several that developed after I turned 18. 

The only reason I am ashamed to admit those things, is because society has made me feel as if my mental illnesses have been invalid since the day I became an adult. My life didn’t turn out the way everyone expected. I was extremely driven, motivated, and energetic about life and all it had to offer. But I didn’t go off to college like everyone wanted, and I’m not motivated like I used to be. I still struggle with daily life. I’m still doing all of the things I used to do - that I apparently should have stopped doing the day I turned 18 - that I now need to continue doing in order to heal and recover. It’s almost like I let everyone down by not being able to flip a switch in my brain and snap out of what they thought was just a “phase.”

But let me set something straight.

My psychiatrist, at any given moment after I turned 18, could have sent me on my way. He specializes in psychiatry for adolescents, something that I no longer am. But he chose to continue treating me and continue educating me, not because he views me and my illnesses as a bag of money, but because he is the most patient, compassionate, understanding, and sympathetic psychiatrist I have yet to come across. He wants to help me and he wants to see me better. I am the one who makes the decision to continue seeing him and to continue filling my prescriptions. He, in no way, makes me feel like I have to do those things. My medications are my choice and the pharmaceutical industry does not have me brain washed. Trust me when I say that none of you want to see me or interact with me when I am not on medication, because for me, medications actually work. Brace yourselves for this one; my therapist, the person that everyone seems to view as some lady that has no idea what she’s talking about and ruins people’s lives in return for money? I don’t pay her. And no, my insurance doesn’t pay her either. Shocker, isn’t it? This woman is someone who has known me since I was in my mother’s womb. She has been a part of my life since the day she looked down at my face some 22 years ago. This woman, out of the kindness and compassion of her own heart, counsels through the church and counsels me just because. She’s not there for my money. She, like my psychiatrist, wants to see me better and wants to help me get there. 

But now, if I was a child, still under the age of 18, I wouldn’t have to explain those things. I wouldn’t have to sit here and explain all of that to society, because as a child, all of those things are normal to do. It was normal for me to see those people, and it was normal for me to be on medication. I have a hard time trying to understand why it’s so different now that I am an adult. If anything, adulthood is the problem.

Adulthood is exhausting. Or maybe it’s only exhausting because of my mental illnesses. I don’t know, and I may never know. All I know is that everyone has always told me adulthood is exhausting and stressful. They were right. Except adulthood has also been the best years of my life so far. As exhausting and stressful as it is, I have enjoyed being able to take care of myself and take myself on trips around the world and treat myself. In the midst of it all, I still have to deal with the ever-lingering mental illnesses. I can’t ignore them just because society thinks they should have gone away years ago. But if I’m being told that adulthood is stressful and exhausting, and I in return come back at them with the fact that my mental illnesses are still present, and the newly developed illnesses are a partial result of adulthood, I am judged, scolded, misunderstood, and stigmatized. I am allowed to be an adult and be exhausted and stressed, but I’m not allowed to have mental illness as a partial result of those things? Quite frankly, I don’t understand it one bit, and I actually want to incoherently scream for a few minutes because of it.

I have to wake up every single day, slap that smile on my face that so many people say lights up a room, make myself look presentable, and go about my day as if nothing is wrong even though all of my chemicals and hormones are off balanced, and my neurotransmitters don’t fire properly; but I am now an adult, and adults aren’t supposed to have mental illness. By the end of every single day, I am exhausted from having to pretend that my brain suddenly transitioned properly into adulthood just as my body and maturity did, all because society and stigma say that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Having mental illness as a child was simple; it was actually quite easy. Get up every day, take your meds, head to school, basically ignore how you felt because you didn’t know how to identify any of it; walk out of class early one day a month because it was time to go see the psychiatrist about those meds you took that morning. Sit and talk with him and mom for a solid hour, then head home. Can’t forget about those weekly sessions with the psychotherapist, and maybe the occasional questions to answer that the people around you would ask. You answer, and go about your day, because no one thought anything of it. No one thought anything of any of it because you were a child and that made mental illness normal.

I didn’t feel out of place back then, because no one shamed me for it. But I sure as heck do now, and people sure as heck shame me for it now. 

I don’t like being an adult with mental illness. I don’t like knowing there is such a large stigma behind it all. I don’t like having to deal with the nasty remarks or the disrespectful comments. I don’t like dealing with the judgement or assumptions. I don’t like any of it.

I am an adult that unfortunately, never “grew out of” her mental illness. But I am also an adult that has still made something of herself despite having mental illness. I am an adult that is fighting with her life and every ounce of her strength to win this war. I am an adult that hopes to one day live a life without mental illness, with the normality I used to feel as a child before it all started. I am not supposed to feel ashamed to have mental illness as an adult.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

[fancydressfisticuffs]

I recently started medication for ADHD (specifically, the generic of Adderall). Since I received my diagnosis and prescription on the same day, one of my first questions was “How will I know if this doesn’t work?” aka “If you’ve misdiagnosed me, what effects will I be feeling?”

I was told that it would feel like having too much energy, like vibrating out of my skin, that I would be bouncing off the walls and noticeably “sped up.” 

Like, okay, that might be helpful if I never felt like that any other time, but considering that I have brief periods of super-bouncy-vibrating-can’t-sit-still anyway, I though for sure there should be something more concrete than that.

So my next question was, “Okay, but what does that mean exactly?”

The answer I got, no matter how many people I asked, was “It’s like when you drink a few cups of coffee.”

O...kay. I don’t drink coffee regularly, partially because I’m not a fan of the taste and partially because I’ve never seen the point. I drank an espresso to stay awake once, felt no effect at all (besides my tongue cursing my beverage choice) and kind of gave it up for lost. Caffeinated beverages in general have never done anything for me (although I have been on a couple sugar highs). 

Despite asking a couple more times, no one could give me a different analogy. I resigned myself to just seeing if I felt “weird.”

A week or so ago, my mom and I were talking while she looked up whether some over-the-counter thing would interfere with my medication and she stumbled onto a different article: basically, how caffeine is a stimulant. As you probably know, ADHD meds are stimulants that an ADHD brain processes differently than a neurotypical one, so instead of making the person more energetic or “excited” it actually calms them down a bit.

There’s still no better analogy that I know of for knowing if meds don’t work. (Mine did, to some extent.) However, now I can tell people why I’m so confused when they ask if I feel a caffeine buzz.

[nerdymedzebra]

Anxiety & Brain Wipe

idk why but the last few weeks my anxiety overwhelm went from the kind of anxiety where it feels like all your atoms are fast moving chaos, and when I thought of any one of my infinite incredibly stressful things, my mind would unfortunately just BoUnCe away and distract itself so it was hard to deal with anything because my brain WOULD LITERALLY WIPE MY SHORT TERM MEMORY. You can’t do a thing you’ve already forgotten about.

It’s like the pull-away reflex when you touch something scalding hot. I couldn’t help it, my brain just automatically was like NOPE! *pulls away and wipes short term memory so i dont even remember the thing*

oops, well it went from all that ^ to just…. like, partial brain death. It’s like the few times where I have accidentally took double dose of ADD meds and it is just the absolute definition of “brain fried”.

It feels like this kind of heaviness, slowness/not-movement of atoms all together. Instead of like, bouncing away from stressful things, it’s more like an utter collapse of braining ability.

Like:

*Stressful thing happens* (not just normal stress, it’s like, basically anything that comes with emotion. Even “omg someone just messaged me with a great thing! I’m excited!” is translated as mental and physical stress to my body and it reacts the same way as with horrible-stressful things) ->

*slow blinks* *Stares off into space* *squints as tries to cohere thoughts together to react and to figure out how to respond* *continues staring off into space for up to a few minutes, but without actually thinking of anything, only feeling this overwhelming sensation of heaviness and not-responding in my brain/body* *brain slowly wipes short term memory again* *But the slow moving sloth-like feeling/sensation still exists*

Ugh. Guys, I am desperately behind on so many desperately important things, not to mention all the things everywhere else on the urgency-scale. I don’t really know what to do about it because I’m SO behind that the overwhelm is worse than normal, and my already barely existent coping ability is just non-existent too so i’m stuck in a spiral that I can’t get out of :’( :’( :’(

I need a professional personal assistant for a few days to do all the things for me and get me caught up on life and then maybe I can start to feel like a person again. But it’s hard when you  are still being crushed under the weight of sooo muchhh. D:

It’s just disconcerting, going from hyper overreacty ADHD brain to just, dead, underreacty blank brain.

Even just now i was like “Well I’m thinking of it now, let’s pick a scary thing and just do it right now” and i LITERALLY got a physical wave of nausea that sent bile up my throat.

COOL, COOL.

sorry for the incoherence of these words, I don’t think my  concerta has kicked in yet either. >.>