#i’m very tired of being dependent and limited and exhausted.

[ghostzzy]

for the record, week 3 of top surgery recovery is way worse than week 1 or week 2, even though i am healing very well physically.

[actioncatmusic]

So I’m trying to follow the advice of successful authors to write every single day. I set my daily goal at 1k-3k words per day, and I stop anywhere within that range as soon as my writing quality starts to diminish from any mental exhaustion.

I started the second draft of my novel (a companion to a punk/rock concept album I’ve been working on over the last couple years) on Wednesday. I’ve made sure to work on the book on all 6 days so far. Wednesday through Monday. This will say I posted it on Tuesday, but that’s because I haven’t gone to sleep yet. 🙃 I made sure to write a minimum of 1k words each day. If I reach 1k that’s a decent day, 2k is a good day, and 3k is a great day. I only hit 3k once, Monday night, where I got sucked into the story and wrote a ridiculous 3,598 words, after which I stopped, despite only being a couple pages away from the end of the chapter. I really wanted to just finish the chapter, but I had promised myself I would stay within a limit, and so I did. There were two days where I found it difficult to get to 1k words, and it took me almost just as long to get to 1300 as it had taken me to get to 3k today. Everyday was a little different, depending on the difficulty I was having with different sections/scenes/chapters in this story. I’ve been stopping anywhere within a scene or chapter once I decide I’m too tired to write as well. I’ve found it fairly easy to pick up from wherever I left off the previous day, so no need to push myself past my limits unnecessarily just to finish any particular section.

Results so far are 14,493 words written in 6 days. I worked anywhere from 2 hours most days, to 4-6 hours on the few days I had written over 2k words in a sitting, typing 10wpm at the slowest (lots of pauses) to 50wpm at the fastest (this speed was rare tbh). Not only is my weekly word count very high from following this advice, but I’ve also seen greater improvement than expected in prose, descriptive detailing, and dialogue within my story. I’ve never felt so proud of my writing before.

I do admittedly write fast. I averaged 4K-8kwpd when writing the first draft, as I was focused on getting the story into the real world, not on making it good. But I would often only write 1-2 days per week, and sometimes take weeks or months off between bouts of writing. It was very clearly unsustainable. I had gone full pantser as well for the first draft. I don’t think that kind of writing speed would be possible if I were following a proper outline. The point of putting myself into a 1k-3k limit was to make writing daily a more obtainable goal, and to give myself more time to really get deep into the story while I write.

A daily writing goal doesn’t have to be a minimum of 1k words either. At 300 words per day, a person would still complete a 50k word novel in 6 months, and they would see improvement in their writing over time from all of that beautiful daily practice.

So yeah, when the top authors in the world keep giving us the advice of “write everyday no matter what,” when we ask how to become better writers, they’re not fucking around. It really does work, and the good results are quick to present themselves. I highly recommend giving it a shot.

[wildermouse]

another general question for autistic folk:

how are you with working a job? do you have a job? are you able to have a job?

i finally got my first proper job at age 22, working at a big daycare with all ages of children and directly with around 8+ staff each day, but interacting with around 12-16 staff on the daily, plus around 50 children + all their parents every day. it was okay some days, good some days even, though the interacting with staff was always very draining and overwhelming for me. the best days were the days i worked alone with a smaller group of children for 10hrs. i rarely found interacting with the children exhausting, but as soon as i had to work with other staff i was just a mess of internal anxiety. i was pretty good at powering through and masking it until i got home. i was so tired i would fall asleep immediately, didn’t have mental or physical energy for any hobbies. my eating disorder got out of hand many times as well. especially before work, i would have ‘meltdowns’ or anxiety attacks or whatever you wanna call it. i would cry, i would punch myself, i would punch the car window, i would punch my wall. i was scared and overwhelmed and tired and i did not wanna work. it began to really take its toll and i started having (more civilized) breakdowns at work. i lowkey snapped at a close coworker for asking me too many questions i didn’t have answers to and broke down sobbing and had to take a break - this was during the christmas party for the kids. one time i broke down in the yard while i was watching the children because another close coworker came over and asked how i was doing. she had to hug me until i stopped crying. shortly after, i quit. i gave like 2 months notice and actually planned on going back once i’d had a few months break, but life happened and i ended up moving.

i was working there for over 2 years, which is way longer than i thought i would, and it’s now been a year and a half(?) since i stopped working, but i cannot see myself having another job. i don’t want it, and i don’t feel like i can handle it. i know all of my mental & physical energy would be consumed by it, even if it was just part time. i do make art and sell it to make some income (i’m not very consistently motivated with it, i’m still sorting my brain out) and though it sucks not being able to support myself fully financially (i still live at home, though i do pay rent) and not having financial freedom to do whatever i want, i am so much less stressed & anxious being at home doing my art. my art is something i did not have any energy for while i was working.

what i’ve learned after looking back on it was the biggest factor leading to me reaching my limit was the daily interactions with coworkers. the constant small talk (seriously, i would dread the ‘hey how are you’ ‘i’m good how are you’ constantly every single day), the trying to figure out what they want me to do, the having to call people or go find people to ask them questions. working with all those children isn’t what pushed me over the edge, it was socializing with my adult coworkers every day. + having to wake up early and have my whole day taken up by something i didn’t want to do.

for now i plan to try and be and stay more consistent with my art & my shop, and depending on my living situation i’ll maybe go work at a barn cleaning stalls & paddocks for some extra cash. i have no plans to return to a ‘proper’ job. and i don’t see an issue with this the way our society does, the only issue is this world is too fucking expensive and i can’t afford to live.

so yeah just wondering what your experiences are with working and if you do have a job and if you feel unable to work like i do

[winter-soldier-vibes]

“I Don’t Hate You Like I Hate Myself” (Bucky x reader)

“I don’t hate you like I hate myself”

Bucky x reader

Word count: 4224

Warnings: eating disorder/bulimia, self hate

Summary: Reader suffers from an eating disorder and Bucky finds her purging one night. 

A/N: Sorry it’s been so long, I really am. It’s been a hell of a few months. Still working through it and writing has been helping me. I hope you are all doing well, reach out to me if you need me, and of course, if this in ANY WAY may harm your journey, feel free to skip <3

------------------------

“Goodnight guys” you said, a slight laugh in your voice. You stood up with your empty plate and placed it in the sink. There were a few groans around the table.

“But it’s so early,” Tony said, the others nodding in agreement

You looked at the watch on your wrist. “It’s 8 pm, Tony.”

“Exactly!” Thor said, shaking his head as if it were obvious. 

You shook your head at them. “Goodnight everyone,” you said, turning around and walking up the stairs.

As soon as you were out of sight, you let out a breath of relief and dropped the smile. You rubbed your face in exhaustion and closed your eyes a little, feeling heavier with each step. Truth be told, you were exhausted. But you still had something else you had to do. 

You pick up the pace walking to your room, thoughts spiraling faster as you closed the door and locked it. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., turn on soundproofing.” you said.

“As you wish, y/n.” the A.I. responded. 

You sighed, and went into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind you. You knew no one would come in, but it was a force of habit by now. You tied your hair back and filled a hidden water bottle with tap water before chugging it, and then lifted the toilet seat. ‘Damn family dinners,’ you thought to yourself. You took a deep breath as you leaned over the toilet, pushing one hand into your stomach and used the other to stick 3 fingers down your throat. After a few small gags, you started choking up your dinner as well. 

You had tears streaming down your face, not necessarily from sadness but from exertion. You coughed after one particular gag, until eventually nothing more came up. You placed your hands on either side of the toilet to steady yourself, back heaving up and down as you tried to catch your breath. Your heart raced and your head pounded, so you tightly shut your eyes and shook your head slightly. 

You stood in front of the mirror, sideways. You lifted your shirt and sucked in your stomach as much as you could. It was flat.

‘That’s much better,’ you thought to yourself. You flushed the toilet and turned on the shower. You became emotionless, running through the routine you always did. Wash your hands, cold water to the face, spray the air freshener, and take a shower to wash away the shame. 

You didn’t want to do this to yourself. You just didn't know what else to do. 

You thought it was just about the food. It was just about the way you looked, the size of your clothes, the number on the scale. That was all it was supposed to be. How did it grow to be so much more?

Every time was supposed to be the last time. You never meant to do it. But any time you ate anything, you just felt sick to your stomach. At first it was with shame and anxiety - now it was a physical nausea that overtook you. You thought this would make it easy to eat less, and it did. 

Until you felt sad

Or mad

Or stressed

Or a mission went slightly wrong

Or you began overthinking the smallest things

And whenever you felt anything negative you just needed to replace that with something else. A distraction, something to numb you out. To make you feel less than this overwhelming, crushing emotion. You needed to get it out. 

So you ate.

And then you threw it all up with all of your emotions, until you were left in a quiet bliss

You knew, logically, as a human, that you needed to eat. But it always felt wrong. Like it wasn’t for you, like you were weak for eating. You weren’t naive, you knew the side effects of bulimia. You had begun to experience a few of them - dizziness mainly. But it hadn’t become an issue yet. It didn’t interfere with your work, therefore, it wasn’t a problem. No one had caught on aside from a few minorly concerned looks. Not that you would ever let anyone in. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t trust the team, God no. You loved them and would trust them with anything other than your mind. No, it was more of an embarrassed sickening feeling you got. You didn’t know what to say, there was no reasonable explanation for this. Hell, you didn’t even quite know why you did what you were doing. It was easier this way, simpler. 

It was your problem to fight. Not theirs. You knew your limits. 

With a sigh, you turn off the shower water, stepping out and wrapping a towel lazily around yourself. You kept your eyes from the mirror as you stepped into your room and over to your dresser to put on some pajamas. Sweatpants and a tank top. You sat on your bed and flopped back, rubbing your hands over your face. 

Another day done. Countless more to go.

You looked at your phone to check any notifications. Aside from a few news updates, there were 2 texts from Bucky:

‘You okay?’ received 42 minutes ago

‘If you’re not you know where I am. Sleep well’ received 38 minutes ago.

You smiled a little. You were all a family, you and the team. Bucky and you seemed to bond in the way that introverts tend to. The way that brings out the extrovert in the other. The way that hanging out didn’t have to mean you spoke because you both found comfort in the silence. You grew the closest with him, often checking in with each other. If he had a nightmare, he came to you. Or you went to him, depending on how bad it was. You would talk to him about small matters, but you would never think of telling him about any of this.

You shuddered at the thought. No one could ever know about this. 

You closed your phone after deciding it was best not to respond. It had been too much time since he had sent the messages, and if you sent something now he might wonder what you had been doing for almost 45 minutes. Best to not reply until morning, blaming it on the exhaustion that never left your body. 

You placed your phone on your nightstand and rolled over, shutting your eyes and willing sleep to come easily. Over time you began sleeping less and less, and now it was a miracle if you were able to at all. Maybe it was the hunger pains, or the reflux, or this overwhelming fear that something bad was going to happen. The stress of being an Avenger, of keeping up your act, of being perfect all the time. 

It was exhausting. But not in the way that sleep would ever be able to fix. 

No, this was a type of tiredness that kept you awake. You had to stay alert all the time. Sleep wasn’t restful or enjoyable anymore. It was elusive. You needed a break from your life. Sleep wouldn’t ever be able to provide that. Not when you would be waking up to deal with it all over again. 

You sighed. You hated this. You hated what you were doing, you hated that you couldn’t stop. You hated that you couldn’t tell anyone about it. Not because you didn’t trust them, but because you didn’t know if you wanted to stop. And if you let them in, you didn’t want to be letting them down by slipping up. And you wanted to stop but...you didn’t know how. You didn’t feel good enough, you didn’t feel like you deserved it. And nothing else could make you feel better like this could

You hated yourself. You hated yourself in a way that no one else ever could. In a way that made you wonder if you would ever be able to love yourself with the innocence you once did. 

You turned over again, willing your racing thoughts to slow to a steady jog at least. You took deep breaths, still trying to calm your pounding heart from earlier. As you started to relax a little, feeling closer to sleep, you remembered one last thing you had to do.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., turn soundproofing off,” you said softly.

“Of course, Y/N,” the A.I. responded.

And with that, you drifted off.

-----

You were rudely awakened by a few sharp knocks at your door. You startled awake and sat up quickly, only to be greeted by a huge headrush. “One minute,” you called out groggily, rubbing your eyes and standing up. Once again, your vision began to black out but you ignored it. You were used to it at this point. It always went away eventually. You pulled over a cardigan and padded over to the door, opening it.

You opened the door to a very much awake Bucky, who seemed to have just gotten back from a run. You weakly smiled, hoping you didn’t look as tired as you felt. Unfortunately, you don’t think that was the case, seeing as Bucky’s smile almost immediately faltered as he took in your tired face. Dark circles under your eyes and a smile that didn’t reach your eyes. 

“Yes, Buck?” you asked, pulling him out of his concerned stare.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly. He knew what being tired felt like, but he had never seen it to this extent on anyone aside from him. He knew you had been tired lately, going to bed early, waking up late, yet seeming to grow more tired by the day. 

You sighed and rubbed your eyes a little. “Yeah, I’m good. Just trying to wake up a little.” you said with a little laugh, dismissive. 

Bucky worried about you. He felt close to you but he worried that you didn’t feel close to him. He could always count on you to be someone he could turn to. But no matter how hard he tried, you didn’t seem comfortable opening up to him. He knew it would take time and he didn’t take it personally. He just wanted to be able to be there for you the way that you were there for him. He knew something had been bothering you, he just didn’t know how to approach it. 

He looked into your eyes. “You sure about that?” he asked.

You mustered the best smile you could. “Yes, I am fine. Just -”

“Tired. I know what that’s like,” he said with a slight laugh. “You know that you don’t have to be fine right?” he said reassuringly. It had become his line with you, to make sure that you knew he was there if you wanted to open up. And while you found it very sweet, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. You wanted to trust him, and you hated making him feel like you didn’t trust him. You just didn’t know how. 

Instead you opted for a nod with a small laugh, desperate to get as far away from this conversation as possible. “I swear, I’m fine,” you said a little more strongly this time. 

Bucky nodded, unconvinced but willing to drop it. If you weren’t ready to talk about it, that was okay. For now. “Do you want to come down and get some breakfast? I think Sam and Clint were making a ton of food for everyone. 

You ran through your options. If you didn’t go down, people would be suspicious. If you did, you would have to eat and find time to get rid of it after, plus deal with the banter of the team for leaving so early. You weren’t supposed to eat yet, it was far too early. But Bucky was already suspicious, so it would be best if you just went down and got rid of it later. All of this ran through your mind in a second before you said:

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be down in a few minutes,” to which Buck turned around and you closed the door. 

After a few seconds you closed your eyes and sighed heavily, resting your head against the door. You cursed yourself internally for agreeing but knew it was the option that raised the least suspicion. You went into the bathroom to wash your face quickly and before you knew it you were studying your body. Turning around, looking at yourself from every possible angle. It happened every time. Coming back to reality, you dressed quickly in some baggy clothes before taking a deep breath and heading down to the kitchen area. 

You were greeted with the smell of all things breakfast, and when you walked in you saw loads of everything there could possibly be. They really went all out. Which made you even more nervous: you didn’t want to seem ungrateful or hurt their feelings. 

You had stopped at the door, and Tony was the first to see you.

“Morning Sleeping Beauty,” he said, bringing the small conversation to a stop for a moment while everyone recognized your appearance. You gave a small wave and a smile before coming in and sitting down. You tried your best to not show your anxiety or exhaustion. There was so much food, and you didn’t want to offend people by not eating but you didn’t know if you would be able to stop once you started. 

Everyone was sitting around the table making small conversation and starting to eat. You were taking deep breaths as nonchalantly as you could. You grabbed a few things to put on your plate, trying to keep a steady hand. You didn’t want to draw any attention to yourself. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem - you’d have a few days of no one noticing you skipping meals, then have dinner all together before you all parted ways. You could prepare for that. But breakfast the morning after was sprung on you, and you didn’t think you should be eating in this small of a time window. 

You tried to join in on the conversation, pushing things around on your plate as you did so. You thought you were hiding it well, but from across the table you caught Bucky glancing your way with concern. So you started eating more. 

It was delicious, you couldn’t deny that. You soon cleaned your plate and began filling it back up with more this time. You could feel your stomach expanding and your heart rate was picking up. As you finished your second plate of food, you felt the anxiety set in. You tried to remind yourself that it was a normal amount, and that you hadn’t been eating enough for a normal person. Eating was normal. Eating was normal. 

But you weren’t normal. 

“Well, this has been great, and thank you Sam and Clint, but I think I’m going to go lie down,” you interjected into the conversation, pushing your chair out.

“Leaving again so early?” Tony asked, not unkindly. You looked around the table before landing eyes on Bucky, concern filling his face.

You swallowed nervously before saying. “Yeah, sorry guys. See you in a bit!” you added and hoped you didn’t sound as desperate as you felt to leave the room. You turned around and walked towards the door, conversation picking back up while Bucky watched you leave. Something didn’t sit right with him.

After you had gotten around the corner you picked up the pace, resisting breaking into a jog. You made it to your room, heart pounding in your chest and nearly threw yourself in, closing the door and turning to the bathroom. You closed that door too, locking it as a force of habit. You were usually methodical about this process, you had a system. But you were desperate at this point. You tied your hair up messily and filled up a hidden water bottle at the sink before chugging it and turning to the toilet. 

Back in the kitchen, Bucky decided that he was going to go check on you. He excused himself and thanked Sam and Clint for the food before heading in the direction of your room. 

You were bent over the toilet retching. You hated this so much. It hurt, it didn’t feel good, but you felt so relieved doing it. You couldn’t explain it. You didn’t like doing it, but it somehow was the one thing that helped you feel better.

What you didn’t realize was that you hadn’t locked your room door. Nor did you turn on the soundproofing feature of your room. 

Bucky knocked on your room door, to which he was met with silence. You simply didn’t hear him. Not liking the feeling in his stomach, he let himself in. To his surprise, you weren’t there. But then he heard you retching. 

He furrowed his brows. Why hadn’t you said you were sick? Closing the door behind him, he walked over to the bathroom door before knocking. And you froze.

“Are you okay in there?” you heard him ask.

Shit. 

You swallowed before responding with “Yeah, I’m fine.” You cursed yourself for the weakness and wavering in your voice. You quickly flushed the toilet and turned to the mirror. You were a mess, red face and tear-streaked face. You washed your hands and then your face, trying to get rid of as much inflammation as you could. 

You took a deep breath and leaned against the sink. How could you have forgotten the most important parts of your process? How could you have been so stupid? How were you going to talk yourself out of this?

“Y/n?”

You opened the door with your head down as you tried to walk around Bucky. But he gently stood in front of you before guiding your face to his, his eyes widening at your red eyes and face. 

“Why didn’t you tell anyone you were sick?” he asked.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

“You’re not fine if you’re throwing up. I swear, if Sam made something that made you sick -”

“It’s not like that” you interrupted.

Bucky paused for a moment. “What do you mean it’s not like that?”

You clenched your jaw and looked away, backing up a little. “Nevermind.”

Bucky stood in front of you again, a little more insistent now. “No, what do you mean? Are you sick?”

“Buck-”

“Y/n.” he insisted. 

You took a deep breath. “I throw up sometimes,” you said quietly, but loud enough for Bucky to hear it. He shifted on his feet. “What do you mean?”

You looked at him sadly, shaking your head. “It won’t make sense,” you said.

“Then help me understand,” he said. 

You took a few breaths before trying to piece it together. “I don’t know what happened. I was just supposed to lose a few pounds. And sometimes I would eat too much, and throwing up made me feel better. And now I can’t stop. It was just supposed to be about losing weight but now I can’t stop,” you finished before finally looking him in the eye again.

Bucky’s face contorted to one of more concern. Your eyes filled with tears at finally revealing your secret. Bucky came closer to you and pulled you into a hug as you sobs started wracking your body. Bucky held you tightly, whispering that it was okay. He breathed deeply and steadily, hoping you would be able to fall in rhythm with him. 

You were able to start breathing with him and calming down. After a few moments of silence, Bucky asked “How long has this been going on?”

You shook your head. “I don’t even know.” you said, defeated. 

Bucky took a deep breath. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

You shrugged weakly. “It wasn’t your problem.” you said.

“I want to help, y/n,” he said, pulling away to look at you. “You always help me or anyone else on the team whenever we need it. If we were going through this wouldn’t you want to help us?”

“Of course I would,” you said firmly, tears building up.

“Then why can’t you let me help you the way you help me?” he asked.

You shook your head lightly. “It’s not that simple, Buck.”

He looked at you, confused. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not like that,” you said a little louder, turning around. You could feel yourself beginning to break.

“What’s the difference between me and you? Why can’t-”

“Because I don’t HATE you!” you exclaimed, turning around with pain in your eyes. “It’s not the same thing because I don’t hate you. I want to help you, because you are a good person, and I like you. I don’t like myself. I deserve this so I’ve accepted that this is what I need to do. I don’t care if it hurts me, because I don’t care about myself!” you yelled, tears streaming down your face again and breathing heavily. “That’s the fucking difference.”

Bucky looked at you sadly. “Is that really how you feel about yourself?” he asked, saddened even more when you began nodding. “What did you do that was so wrong?”

You shook your head, anger calming down into sadness. “I don’t know. I never liked myself. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, and I never have. And I’ve accepted that I may never feel like I will. This isn’t the kind of sick I know how to heal. People catch a cold or break a bone and there are active steps to fix it and a set timeline before it gets better. And it won’t bother them again. But this,” you tap both sides of your head repeatedly, “this I can’t fix. I don’t know how, I don’t know where to start. I’ve tried but it never really goes away. There’s no medicine or action or rest period or any kind of shit like that. It’s me against me. I’m always gonna lose this battle. I’m not the kind of sick that can get better, Buck,” you shrugged slightly and shook your head. “Not for me.” 

Bucky’s face saddened even more, knowing all too well the feeling of not belonging. He knew the pain of self doubt and self hate, and feeling like you were a bad person. But he had done so many things as the winter soldier, how he killed so many innocent lives. You were one of the kindest people Bucky knew. He didn’t understand how you could feel this way. 

Bucky started walking closer to you slowly. “Y/n...I know what that feeling is like. You know that. But I don’t understand why you would feel that way about yourself.” he was now standing in front of you. “You’re one of the most generous people I know, you’ve helped me so much. I know you’ve helped everyone here. No one here hates you, y/n.” 

“I know,” you said. Before Bucky could respond you continued, “I know there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I know logically I didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s just this...this thing in my head. And it never goes away. And I know all it tells me is lies but the only way I can make it stop is by throwing up. I know it’s messed up, I just can’t make it stop,” you said, looking down again.

Bucky guided your face back to meet his. “Can I try to help? You can always talk to me about anything, you know that right?”

You breathed out. “I don’t know,” you said truthfully. 

Bucky noticeably stiffened, and you quickly added, “It’s not that I don’t trust you. Not at all, I do, it’s just that I don’t want to disappoint you.” you said. “I don’t want to fuck up and hurt you because I couldn’t be strong. I don’t want to bother you every goddamn day with this petty bullshit I have going on.” you took a deep breath and looked away again. “I don’t want you to leave out of frustration that I couldn’t be strong for you.”

“Is that really what you think I would do?” he asked. When you nodded, he went on. “I would never be disappointed at you trying your best. It’s okay to mess up, to have bad days, it’s not going to be perfect. Life can be a little fucked up sometimes, but what I’ve learned is that the hardest way through it is alone.” he said with emphasis, knowing all too well the pain of keeping your emotions in. 

You leaned into him again, his arms wrapping you into a hug. “Promise you won’t leave?” you asked softly.”

His arms tightened around you. “I’m not going anywhere.”

[nakedbibi333]

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist

Hi! Okay, so since this is a very long post, I will try to answer each of your questions/concerns in the order you mention them.

So about persisting, I can understand how it seems a bit complicated. You persist when, after a certain period of time, you still don't see movement of your desires manifesting OR if you see the OPPOSITE of your desires manifest. Oftentimes, when you finally open up your mind to the idea that your mind creates your reality, then some past doubts and fears can manifest as well. Your mind will often try to manifest opposite things in order to make you feel like you are doing something wrong, which is why so many loa teachers say to persist. It can be very difficult for people to persist, which is why so many people feel like they can't manifest, or that manifestation isn't real, because their 3D reality has too much weight in their lives, so they take it as truth and end up giving up on their desires manifesting. It's important to begin to believe that your 3D reality is extremely malleable and is only a reflection of your inner reality. You need to take the power away from the 3D and give it to yourself and your ability to create exactly what you want.

Then you ask about proof of manifestation. It is very true and understandable that other people's success stories are not enough for many people because you want to be able to trust the information that you are going to be getting into. Personally, before getting into manifestation, I already had my fair share of unexplainable success stories in my life, so it just seemed like an answer to the questions I've had all my life. Even with these success stories and experiences, when I first got into manifestation, I still would doubt myself by wondering if it was simply a coincidence these things happened, or worse, that I was becoming delusional. I want to tell you that every single person who is now into manifestation has gone through this feeling. We all worry that we are just doing "wishful thinking" and being delusional because the world we have grown up in has always been so practical. It's not easy to believe in something that seems so impossible without any previous personal experience. So, the only advice I can give you for this is to try to manifest extremely small things to build your faith over time, such as seeing a yellow butterfly, getting your favorite food, or seeing some sort of sign, so that you would know that what we are talking about is actually the truth. Also, there are so many documents that go more in-depth on how our minds create our reality, including CIA documents and books about the science of manifestation, such as books by Joe Dispenza, and books about the subconscious mind, such as books by Joseph Murphy, and many many more. Since the only way, you will really believe in manifestation is by having your own experiences, then manifesting small easy things is probably the best route.

Then, you mention how you're worried about "someone manifesting failure into your reality." My view on this is that you are the only person who can affect your life and nothing can happen to you that you don't specifically manifest into your reality (whether it be consciously or unconsciously). Everyone can manifest, yes. Everyone has control over their reality. You can even manifest people acting in certain ways towards you. But that's in your experience specifically. If we are talking about quantum physics, time is not linear, technically all possibilities of all time, ever, exists right now. We also shift through different realities at every moment depending on our mindset, beliefs, and decisions. So, if someone manifests something in their life that would affect "you" but does not align with your thoughts and beliefs, then it won't show up in your reality. You have control over your own reality, nothing comes into your life without you allowing it, so that's a very empowering thought, in my opinion. I really suggest that you affirm this so that you don't have to worry about others manifesting negativity over your life because you would never personally decide to manifest it into your own life.

I also want to talk about how you worry about affirming wrong or simply manifesting wrong. It's Important to note that these beliefs can also negatively affect your manifestation because that is not you truly living in the end. If you were living in the end, you would know that simply deciding that you want this to happen, means that it will happen and that it has to happen. You never need to doubt your manifesting process because your subconscious mind is so powerful and it is so easy to make it do things for you! Just like what @divineangelbee says, you can COMMAND your subconscious mind and it will listen and give you exactly what you want. You don't have to visualize or affirm or do anything. Simply tell your subconscious exactly what you want it to do and trust that it listens! I really think that the reason that you have not been having too much success is because of this, that you are constantly doubting your methods which keeps you from truly living in the end.

Then, about limiting beliefs. It can be beneficial to people to be aware of their limiting beliefs. However, there has been such an intense focus on limiting beliefs in the loa community (mostly on youtube) that I see so much. Coaches keep you focused on the problem of limiting beliefs so much that they don't actually help you move on from them. Personally, I found that whenever I focused on my limiting beliefs, it was like living in the old story. (if you don't get this reference, I seriously suggest you read or listen to Neville Goddard's lectures in which he talks about the law of assumption. They are life-changing). Focusing on limiting beliefs keeps you stuck in that story you are telling yourself about your life. It keeps you from overcoming them and becoming limitless. It helps me to affirm that my limiting beliefs no longer have the power to hold me back. I don't have any more limiting beliefs because I manifested not having them anymore. Manifestation works in many different ways, and a lot of people don't realize that you can simply manifest your desired mindset as well. I suggest trying this!

So, to make this as clear as possible, I will tell you how I personally manifest (disclaimer: people manifest differently, many different things work for different people, I am not saying this is the only or best way to manifest, but this is just what works for me).

First, I get my idea of what I want to manifest. Usually, I want to manifest multiple things at a time, there really is no limit.

Then, I will decide what will help me "feel it real" and "live in the end." This can include techniques, but I don't use techniques every time. I don't like to visualize because I am personally a maladaptive daydreamer, so visualizing makes me feel like I am daydreaming, which keeps me from really feeling like it's really happening. (But, if it works for you, by all means, go for it) I may print out a picture if it's a physical item in order to trick my brain into having something physical that represents this or adding it to a Pinterest vision board (I am a very visual person, so it always works for me). I also like to make a list of what I want just to keep it in a place that I can go back to and mark off in the future, telling my brain that this is a goal I need to achieve (I find that my brain loves to check things off of my goals, it makes my subconscious mind already start working towards the goal). But most of the work goes into my mindset. I don't affirm a lot because I feel like it becomes a chore if I have to recite affirmations all day every day. I may put up affirmations on my chalkboard or put them on my computer, but I don't make it a habit to really say them at specific times, etc. I really focus on making myself feel deserving of getting my manifestation and I also live in the end. Living in the end is where you feel confident that your desire is already yours. If it helps, which it does for me, I like to believe that I have it already in the "quantum field," or the 5D, or however you believe in it. It is not about being delusional and pretending like you have it, no, it's about feeling trusting in your own power to make this happen for you and it will come, no matter what.

After that, I "drop it." I don't forget about it or stop desiring it, that's not what letting go means. It means that I know that I don't need to do anything or force anything to happen because my subconscious, or the universe, will bring this to me and I don't need to worry about anything related to my desire. I also self-regulate my emotions by meditating, focusing on the things that make me happy, and reminding myself of how powerful and capable I am.

Then, eventually, it manifests. Or, if it doesn't come in the timeframe I wanted it to, or if something that would oppose my desire pops up, I focus on my own self-concept, making sure I genuinely feel deserving of and that I can get what I want, and I persist in that feeling that my desire is still mine. No matter if I got rejected, no matter if they told me I couldn't get the job, no matter if it looks like it won't happen. I still persist. and then it comes.

Finally, I want to mention that I am only here to give advice and I can't make anything physically happen for you. To see actual movement in your reality, you need to be willing to go through failures in order to find out what works for you. I have had manifestations fail, I have had MANY manifestations fail. It's not always a perfect process. I don't charge money, my identity is not on this page, I am not here to be a famous coach or to act like I know any better than anyone else. I am just trying to help you guys reach the point that you deserve to get to in your life. But I can only do so much. I really hope this helps.

[newtonsheffield]

What was your experience like as a single parent to a puppo and eventual doggo? I'm tempted myself but i'm so hesitant because of work but I know i'd make time and give my last 2% of energy to my dog child - but still curious, was it hella hard or were you blessed and Greg was a good boy out the gate?

Okay here’s the thing!

My number one goal for 2021 was to get a dog. I had wanted to get a dog for about five years, and I hadn’t done it because even when I work four days a week, I work over 40hours. And when I contacted the breeder, I was enquiring about a litter she had advertised planned for six months time. It just so happened that Greggy had been rejected by his potential owners and he was available and I saw a picture and I couldn’t not get him. It was like a That’s my dog moment,

Greg was… not easy right out of the gate.

He was a really difficult small puppy tbh. It was like living with a velociraptor. Corgis are herding dogs, and their instinct to nip and herd is very prominent in them, so I had bruises and cuts and scratches all over my arms and legs until he was about 5 months old.

Not to mention, training a puppy is really hard work, they don’t know anything, and they’re really dependent on you and your attention.

Your shoes will get destroyed, your clothes peed on, you can’t leave them unattended for a second.

I was convinced I had made a huge mistake until Greg was about 4 months old, even though I loved him.

That being said, I’m glad I did it. There are ways around working long hours: when I have days off I try and spend the most amount of time I can with him, he loves riding in the car, and my friends are pretty chill about the fact that I basically travel everywhere with my dog. My work even doesn’t really care if I bring him into work.

I am exhausted when I come home from work but I give the last remaining scraps of energy I have to make sure my pets are happy. That’s the lifestyle I’ve chosen for myself but some people find it limiting.

It’s also super important to research the kind of dog you want to get to make sure they’ll fit in with your lifestyle. I grew up with Golden retrievers and I love them, but they’re not conducive to my lifestyle. Researching breeders is also really important to make sure they’re breeding responsibly. You have to make lifestyle changes and be willing to do it. Pets are a lifetime commitment and they depend on you.

That being said, there’s always going to be a reason not to do something, and I don’t know, I’m at a very different point in my life than I thought I’d be now, and I’m tired of putting things on hold that I want to do because I p’m waiting for the right time or person. And now I have Greggy and Lady Supreme and I’m happy!

I don’t know if this helped but yeah… Show me puppy pics when you get one!

TLDR: It’s very hard but very worth it.

[equestrianwritingsstuff]

For the bad things happen Bingo... burns for villain?

Circle for completed, heart for requested

Thank you so much for the ask!

Quick warning that may need more context than a word or two. In this snippet, Villain saves a child and they are buried. Some may call this "minor whump", but the child is never hurt whatsoever.

I don't know if this exactly fits "burns" but I think it does.

Scathed Skin

@badthingshappenbingo

Warnings: explosion, burns from explosion, broken bones, starvation, fever, buried alive

*not edited*

~

Fourteen

Villain ran into the next room, greedily scanning the interior.

Thirteen.

He pushed away from the doorframe and sprinted into the next room, but that was also devoid of the assumed ticking.

Twelve.

Villain checked out the next room. A child, young in age and tiny in stature was cowering in a corner, sobbing.

"Hey, hey, hey," Villain soothed, bounding over to the child and picking her up. "I'll be okay, alright?"

"Where's my mommy?" The child cried. "I want my mommy."

"Yeah I know, I know," the villain whispered, rubbing the child's back and hoping that her mother was one of the people who managed to escape.

Eight.

Villain ran out of the room with the child. He couldn't disable the bomb now.

So he ran towards the exit, knowing he would have to jump and somehow break the child's fall.

Six.

The ticking started to get more consistent and more intense. Villain looked up, the exit was only five feet, four feet, three feet...

One.

Villain knelt to the ground, wrapping the child with his arms and legs- his whole body- as an earsplitting boomed sounded throughout his ears.

Pain ripped at his back and he fell forward, careful not to harm the child. She was hysterically screaming now.

Villain groaned as black spots danced at his vision, but those weren't his top concern. The ticking had returned, symbolizing another bomb threat.

Villain pushed himself to his feet, though stability abandoned him after one crisp second. He stumbled over to a wall and leaned against it, still holding the child and breathing heavily.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Villain's ears perked and he turned to exit the building, but found that the exit was decimated. He sighed and took off half-sprinting, half-limping, the other way as agony pierced every cell of his being.

He barely made it to the stairs before he collpased sideways, head banging against the floor, making a hollow thud sound. Stars illuminated the black dust in his vision, making him wince and grimace.

The feeling of wet slowly snapped him out of it. His eyesight somewhat cleared as he felt more in-tune with his limbs- or was it just adrenaline?

The child was crying into his shirt, hugging him madly. He grunted, wrapping his arm around her comfortingly, but that only made her wail harder.

"Shh, shh, it's okay. We are going to be alright, okay?" Villain whispered just as another explosion sent a wave of buzzing discomfort through his ears.

The floor beneath him rattled and creaked before it caved in. Villain and the child fell, but Villain was able to twist around and use his mutilated back to break the young girl's fall.

His body connected with the tile floor. He barely registered the whistle of a kettle before dirt and debris crumbled around him, and inevitable unconsciousness took hold.

He awoke sometime later on his side, cheek pressed into the floor. He groaned and winced in pain as the world flared up around him. Blinding lights shot at his eyeballs as rocks and glass bit into his back.

Villain floated around in that whirlpool of pain as his senses struggled to snap back into it. Memories dabbed at the bruises in his head gingerly.

There was an explosion, then pain, then nothing.

But that was only once sentence that was missing a lot of facts.

He started to become aware of another presence looming over him. It started with the faintest of breezes against his forehead, then a noise like a whimper.

The child.

Villain tried to blink away the haze in his vision, but it only made things even foggier and thick.

"Sir?" The child squeaked when she realized that Villain woke up. "Sir, where's my mommy?"

Her words went right over Villain's head; heck, he hardly came to the conclusion that someone was speaking.

His limited span of sight started to double, then triple as consciousness was snatched away again.

When Villain regained consciousness the second time, he found that he was much more aware of his surroundings.

They were trapped in a somewhat capacious room. Villain's leg was trapped under a wooden beam and was so painful that it had to be broken.

The child was drawing figures in the dust and dirt. Apart from a very dirty face, she didn't appear to be harmed.

But nonetheless, Villain asked out of courtesy, "You good, kid?"

The girl blinked a couple times before nodding. Gosh, she hardly looked ten.

Villain looked around. It seemed that they were trapped in some sort of kitchen. It was very tiny and by some miracle, the various blocks of plaster and heavy metal pipes didn't crush them.

But it did crush the only possible food supply, but the girl seemed to have grabbed a cereal box.

"Hey, give me that," Villain said, trying to pull himself close to the girl, but immediately scream in pain as he tugged at his leg. He collapsed fully on the ground, groaning and somewhat dazed.

The girl pushed the box towards him. It fell over and landed on his face. Villain shakily tipped it over and looked inside.

It was half full. Or empty, depending on how you looked at it.

"Is there anymore food in those cabinets?" Villain asked, nodded towards the dark colored cupboards.

The girl shook her head and pulled her legs in. Her dirty face was tearstained with crusty eyelashes. She had been crying while Villain was unconscious.

"Hey, we'll be okay," Villain soothed as he thrusted his hand into the box. "We are going to have to ration. Ten pieces twice a day, not that we can exactly tell the day."

That wouldn't be enough, but it would have to suffice.

"Okay," the girl squeaked, crawling over and picking out ten cheerios. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten." She smiled and popped a couple into her mouth.

Villain dozed off a little after that, back and leg in scorching pain, not enabling a truly restful sleep. The girl also slept, or Villain thought, her back was turned towards him.

They somewhat bonded too. The girl started to talk about her barbie and My Little Pony roleplays and even asked Villain to join. He played along a little bit, awkwardly voicing Applejack, before exhaustion took its toll and he fell asleep mid-sentence.

He was getting sick and he knew it. The pair ate their alloted cereal in silence, both knowing that they would soon run out.

"I'm hungry," the girl complained one day- the first complaint in who know's how long.

Villain gave her a sympathetic smile and pushed half of his cheerios over. He wasn't that hungry anyways.

His head started to hurt as he felt fever set in. He couldn't sleep anymore other than periodic, short-lived black outs. But he always awoke more dizzy and tired than before.

Soon after, the fever started to worsen. He would thrash in his sleep and wake up more entangled than before. It hurt, everything hurt and there was no relief.

The girl was his only source of light. She would watch him with wide eyes, bright gaze never faltering. He would reach for her in half-consious states, desperate to know if she was okay.

He quit eating entirely, allowing the girl all the food, but still she ate her twenty pieces a day.

Once, Villain woke up so weak and exhausted that we couldn't even turn his head to look around. He groaned, staring at the floor with a dull gaze.

"Sir? Sir are you okay?" The girl asked, voice thick with sobs. "Are-are you dead?"

Villaim forced himself to peel up his eyes to look at her, but could only keep the look for so long before his eyelids drooped again.

The girl crawled over and picked Villain's head up an inch from the ground. Like a ragdoll, he allowed total and utter control of his head and neck.

"We'll be okay," Villain wheezed, closing his eyes as pressure built in between his eyebrows.

The girl dropped his head just as the fever pulled him under again.

The girl crawled back to her spot, laid down, and also took a nap.

Neither knew of the rescue team just feet above them.

[amysteriousmessenger]

RFA (+ Saeran and V) under the Mistletoe Headcanons

Happy Christmas! I can’t guarantee that I’m free enough to get any writing done on Christmas day so I thought I would write and post this for you all now, Merry Christmas, love from Violet <3

Yoosung Kim Under the Mistletoe Headcanons 

The baby is nervous, he wouldn’t have noticed the Mistletoe until it was pointed out to him by Seven and by that point, the two of you were already underneath it. 

He was immediately a flustered mess and cursed Seven for putting it up in case it made you feel pressured. Yoosung didn’t want you to be uncomfortable , but in reality he was the one feeling embarrassed. He wanted to kiss you, but he was shy. 

The two of you stood next to one another, nervous eyes glancing between mistletoe and eachothers lips. 

Yoosung closed his eyes and moved closer to kiss you, his heart thudding loudly against his ribcage. You had closed your eyes pre-emptively and waited for the kiss...that didn’t touch your lips. He missed, and planted a kiss right onto the tip of your nose.

Yoosung opened his eyes and realised what he had done, instantly wanting the ground to swallow him up. Seven was about to burst out laughing but you then kissed Yoosung on the tip of his nose and blushed. 

He was so happy and didn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night, regardless of how much Seven and Zen bullied him for missing your lips in the first place.

Zen/Hyun Ryu Under the Mistletoe Headcanons

Zen wasn’t really one for Christmas, but he certainly liked the idea of kissing you underneath a mistletoe. He was probably gifted a spring of the plant from one of his productions as an end-of-run gift. 

He would leave it hidden in his room until you came over to visit him for the evening, at which point he would nonchalantly dangle it over your head whilst you were cooking dinner. His expression sat somewhere between adorning and smug as you blushed and looked away.

Zen put his finger underneath your chin and lifted your head to meet your gaze: ‘Jagiya~ You know what a mistletoe is for, please don’t hide your face away from me...’ He winked.

You lifted yourself up onto your tiptoes to grant him access to your lips. You closed your eyes and let him instigate the kiss. He quickly put the mistletoe down behind you and snaked his hands around your waist: unwilling to let the kiss part just yet. 

This was a kiss that definitely had the potential to get a little more heated, but the food you were cooking started to burn in the pan. 

Jaehee Kang Under the Mistletoe Headcanons 

It was time to decorate the coffee shop for Christmas, and you would be gazing at Jaehee as she hung various streamers and snowflakes up from the ceiling around the store. You were practicing with the new limited edition festive drinks and had finally managed to perfect the Salted Caramel Hot chocolate and felt like you wanted a break.

Jaehee was really tired and practically running on automatic, so you went over to help her, handing her item by item until you had an idea. You handed her a few more Santa faces until you slipped a sprig of Mistletoe into her hand and she had already stuck it onto the ceiling before she had come to realise what it was and stuttered out your name.

She asked if this was an actual piece of decoration from the box, or if this was your plan all along, to which you you replied it was innocently an old piece from the box but admitted it was a moment of spontaneity to hand it to her. 

‘Ah I see. Well, I suppose I shall indulge you anyway.’ She replied with a smile, and quickly leaned down off the top of the ladder and placed a small, chaste kiss onto the corner of your mouth. 

There was a light dusting of blushing smiles between the both of you before the door bell chimed, signalling that a customer required your assistance. 

Saeyoung Choi Under the Mistletoe Headcanons 

Seven practically uses the Mistletoe to get as many kisses as he can possibly cram into a day when he’s in a needy mood, which is basically the whole of December. He also uses them to win you over when he’s been particularly annoying or played one too many pranks on you during the day, he knows you can’t resist a goofy smile and a kiss from him when he asks for one so earnestly. 

Seven appears behind you with the sprig already dangling above you in his hand, saying to ‘Guess who?~’ to which you reply ‘Yoosung?’ just to catch him off guard. You already know what he’s doing. 

Once you turn around and he wraps his free arm around you, he pulls you in to a toothy kiss full of smiles and laughs. He’s not overly great at being romantic, but being Cheesy? He’s got that in the bag.

Depending how much free time he has, this is also one of those kisses that could end up getting a little more heated. 

However, Vanderwood is entirely exhausted of Seven goofing off work just to mess a around with a stupid little plant and starts binning any of the ones he finds. 

Jumin Han Under the Mistletoe Headcanons

He didn’t put these decorations up, one of the staff looking after his apartment must have done so. Jumin isn’t one for Christmas, at all. He appreciates the seasonal wine but that’s about it, his family have never really been one for festivities and he didn’t particularly plan on starting now. 

Jumin doesn’t particularly understand why you’re blushing under the plant, and still doesn’t really get it even after you explain it to him. Whilst he enjoyed your adorable timidity in that moment, you were no stranger to his kisses and he would gladly offer you his attention whenever you asked for it, he didn’t need a plant for it. 

When he saw that you were slightly disappointed that it seemed as though you weren’t going to receive a mistletoe kiss, he immediately pulled you towards him with one hand cupping your jaw and other supporting your lower back as he dipped you into a kiss. 

Jumin wouldn’t half-ass this kiss, he would want it to be everything you hoped for. This man doesn’t disappoint.

Jihyun Kim/V Under the Mistletoe Headcanons 

It would be at one of his expeditions, the studio has organised their own decorations for the holidays and V wasn’t particularly bothered about whether they were up or not as long as they didn’t take away from the integrity of his work. Besides, the decorations were rather tasteful and you seemed to like them.

Once the showcase had begun to die down, you and V were able to sit and share some glasses of wine and converse with Jumin, who had stayed behind to spend some time with his friend. It was fun and you enjoyed the more relaxed atmosphere now that it wasn’t so busy, which meant you actually had the chance to hear yourself think. Eventually, Jumin excused himself to go home and it was just you and V left in the studio.

It wasn’t until then that you started to move closer to him, leaning your head on his shoulder as he sipped at his glass. You made small conversations with eachother until you noticed the plant clinging to the ceiling, just slightly to the side of V. 

You point it out to him and he chuckled, wondering how he hadn’t noticed it before. 

He turned his head towards you, using his free hand to move your hair behind your shoulder so he had access to place a kiss on your cheek, and then another on the side of your neck. Perhaps it was the wine you shared, but you felt warm and flushed under his touch. He kept his fingertips grazing the bare skin next to your neckline before he cupped your face and bring it towards his own for another kiss, this time on the lips.

Saeran Choi Under the Mistletoe Headcanons 

Saeran felt very conflicted about Christmas, he enjoyed all the nice food and the snow granted but frequently the festivities were a little overwhelming for him and the cold weather meant that he had to put his garden away for several months. 

He was somewhat jaded at the fact he felt as though he missed out on being able to enjoy Christmas, and that his clown of a brother makes up for it for the both of them. He does, however, enjoy hearing and learning about all the little details of the celebrations which seemed so alien to him, he doesn’t like not knowing or not understanding things so he’ll listen whenever you talk about it.

One day, you would have shown him a Christmas movie in which a mistletoe appears and gushed to him at the romance of it, which he didn’t know about. You then explained that when two people meet under a mistletoe sprig, traditions say that they kiss. But you then assured him that nowadays people only really do it with their partners, and that he wouldn’t be expected to kiss Yoosung anytime soon. 

The next day, you came back from grocery shopping to find that there was a very small sprig of the plant sellotaped in Saeran’s doorway and he was hovering near it, but not close enough to seem as though he was waiting for you.

You asked him about the plant, and he muttered that his idiot brother must have put it up (despite the fact that it was the only one in that house) and you attempted to nonchalantly walk past, as though you believed him brushing it off. Before you had a chance to leave, you felt him reach out for the end of your sleeve and held it so you couldn’t leave.

He was blushing and averting your gaze, and above everything else; he was refusing to look at the mistletoe. Your heart fluttered, you knew what he was trying to do.

‘Saeran, would you like to kiss under the mistletoe?’ You asked, gently pulling him to be in the doorway underneath the plant. - ‘Y-yeah... if you want to.’ 

The two of you shared a very tender kiss, it was soft and innocent but with emotion. Saeran treated you like a princess, his princess, every time the two of you kissed, but it felt so special knowing that he had gotten the mistletoe just to make you happy.

[captainsspnanon]

C2E45 - The Stowaway - rewatch reaction

For everyone who is clamoring for an M9 oneshot, on Talks they are just now talking about The Search For Grog, after essentially a year of C2 running.  So I wouldn’t expect an M9 oneshot until October or November 2022.  (also they’re talking about the art show that they did, which I didn’t really get the appeal of.  This is all art that they’ve had on display from critters, right?  Like on the art reels and such?  I get the love for the artists, but I don’t get the need for a show.  ...then again, I theoretically enjoy museums and such, but I can NOT spend a long time in them without getting bored/antsy, so this may be my own boorishness showing.  I don’t ever go to art galleries because they just don’t appeal to me at all, at least with museums it’s a sense of seeing and learning history)

(also they keep talking about tumblr being dead, because this was the time of the great porn ban.  We still live!  Weee stiiillll liiiiiiive.)

I don’t recall this ever happening in C1, but I really appreciate in C2 that there are several instances of PCs speaking a shared language with each other, specifically Nott and Beau speaking Halfling to convey information without the others knowing.  Caleb and Yasha speak Celestial to each other once or twice as well, if I recall correctly. It leads to some very sweet moments, and it feels very realistic to me.  While there has always been bits about languages known for reading and such (thinking of the twins knowing, I think it was Abyssal?, and Percy not), C2 has been the strongest with it.  Adding in speaking Zemnian with NPCs, and Caleb casting Tongues on Jester so that she could speak Zemnian.  It makes the world feel much larger and more dynamic.  I genuinely can’t recall if there was a moment in C1 where someone spoke in a language that wasn’t Common, PC to PC or PC and NPC.  Maybe NPC to NPC, but again, hard to remember. (also I love that Jester gathers close ‘in Infernal’ XD)

Matt: “You glance across the galley, you don’t see any movement”  Laura: *puts on glasses*

Twiggy shows up way earlier than I remembered her to!  I like her!  I’m not super big on the ‘extra bubbly excited’ type (Twiggy and Reani main campaign, Ellory in Night before Critmas [who, oops!, I thought was the same player as Twiggy, but just saw isn’t.  ...to be fair, it’s been ages since I’ve seen Night before Critmas, so I hope I can be forgiven XD], etc.)  There’s nothing WRONG with characterization like that, but it, well, best way I can phrase it is that it tires me.  Not that I’m tired of it, but that it produces so much energy that it almost feels like it drains my energy just watching it. Reani worked better because she was in a number of episodes and didn’t maintain that high energy perkiness throughout the entirety. It’s a very personal preference thing.  Clarification – I don’t DISLIKE any of these characters or types!  It just works better for me in smaller doses XD  Same situation like when Nott and Jester go off and do their capers!  It’s fantastic, but it’s exhausting to watch, and so I always watch it in chunks.

HAPPY FUN BALL!!!!! I would love a one shot set in it for the M9.  They really didn’t get to explore too much, I’d love to see more!  I suppose it might not be super fun for the casters though, because they’d be really hampered by the setting, so it depends on if those players would be cool doing a one shot where they don’t really get to have their abilities in full use.  It’s super great for a campaign, because being limited in an episode or two, but then you’re fine!  But for a one shot?  It might be a bit frustrating or disappointing, especially if the one shots are few and far between.

First time watching, I had no clue DAW was a DM.  Now?  So many of her descriptions or actions and lead ins where she clearly makes way for Matt to speak, it’s SO OBVIOUS.  I gotta see about checking out some of her stuff later.

Oh hey!  Twiggy calls it’s ‘fun ball of tricks’.  Sam is the one who coins ‘happy fun ball’.  100% forgot that bit!

I FORGOT SHE TRIES TO CAST HIDEOUS LAUGHTER ON CALEB!!!  Him resisting is 100% perfection in character, but I am with the players in wanting to have seen a Caleb impacted by the spell!

*delighted gasp* This is where Beau asks to be first mate!  BJREAUS!!!!! my heart can’t handle this, I just love every single aspect of their friendship!  Plus, the concept of captain/first mate really does work for them, as there is that level of respect that Beau gives Fjord that colors her view of the relationship.  Not to say that she sees herself in any way subservient to him, but it’s the respect.  Beau and Caleb are another fantastic relationship, but there’s not the respect in the same way.

Travis nearly doing a spit take as Matt confirms that the ship is still known as the Squalleater, and Taliesin just cackling.  ILU ALL

I appreciate how much Matt keeps sneaking the happy fun ball back into the conversation.  He’s got an idea for this episode, and it don’t really work if you don’t futz with the ball!!  XD   (I actually do wonder how this would have gone had they not bothered with it, as big of a red button as it was.  Would it just have been RP?  Would he have had a ship attack?)

More Matt appreciation, during the ‘what is everyone doing moment’ after Laura says her bit, Sam is smiling and doesn’t *really* take a breath, but there was still you could tell he wanted to speak, but Matt was prompting Laura for more RP which took the moment away. However, immediately after, Matt went to Sam to make sure that what he wanted to say got covered.  It was such an easy moment to miss at the table, and it’s just really good DMing to catch when the players want a moment.

(also, Sam rolls a 29 28, if there wasn’t any ammo aboard the ship, Matt was gonna make gosh darn sure there was now.  As long as it’s not plot relevant, he’s pretty good about rewarding good rolls.  He won’t make something appear that’s not there, like if a room isn’t trapped he won’t add traps for a good roll, but something like this?  Sure!)

Caleb gets four pieces of jade (about 100gp each) from the ball.  I remember on Vokodo’s island that he has to ask Veth for a piece of jade in order to do his illusions, but I don’t remember if he ever used or sold these pieces?  I wonder if Liam forgot to write them down, or maybe they were used for one of the enchanted tattoos?  SO CURIOUS.   (omg and now I’m thinking of the illusions in the dome and I want to cry because it’s so fucking beautiful MY HEART and I have so many episodes to go)

HALAS!  NAME DROP!!!  Ugh, I am so glad that DAW ended up giving the sphere to the group, it led to so many good moments!  I reblogged a post recently about the missing week in the fun ball, but from Yasha’s perspective.  SO GOOD so heartwrenching.

Wait I forgot that Twiggy said that Sir Cadigan was a big ol meanie because she can’t remember but she thinks he made her this way. THIS NEVER GETS RESOLVED.  WE NEVER KNOW ANY OF THIS.  Oh NO now I want to KNOW

Hmmm….it seems like it was probably DC 25 or so to get into the ball, so I’m not quite sure what Matt’s plan was here.  It seems like it would have been very easy to not meet that DC, you needed a high roll for it!  Neither of the clerics have Guidance at this point, so it would just have to be met on a roll with advantage. Maybe he would have let rolls stack over time?  Maybe he had something else planned the whole time but had this as an option?

I am sad that Yasha didn’t get pulled along with them, but AGAIN BACK TO TUMBLR POST https://stardustedknuckles.tumblr.com/post/680374621880582144/imagining-that-week-where-the-m9-were-in-the-happy (thank you stardustedknuckles!!!!)

With a different group, I might be annoyed with how Deborah is highly in the front, “taking things away” from other players, painting the Balleater, doing all the theives tools and rogue checks and stuff, but with this group it doesn’t feel like it’s crossing a line.  I think because they’re all so respectful, and do enjoy guests getting to do cool shit, that they don’t feel like they’re being sidelined.  Nott/Sam just joked that she doesn’t “have to do shit!” and just drinks because Twiggy is unlocking the doors and such, but I never read it as Sam being bothered or annoyed, just recognizing that for the moment, the situation is handled.  I haven’t watched other dnd groups (trying with d20), so I’m unsure how guests may click in with other groups, but I do like how it’s done here, and how everyone is so cool with it.  Sam and Laura just roll with the RP but are clearly delighted (and Deborah’s face when they say “let’s kill her” is amazing)

(watched 4-Sided Dive last night for the first time.  Overall, pretty good.  I’m sure it’ll have some growing pains, and it’s not as in depth as I personally would like, but it’s only been one episode so I can’t make judgment from that.  Just disappointed that it’s only one time a month, and it’s only [essentially] an hour and 20 long.  Always want more cast insight.)

I wonder how much Matt had mapped out of the ball for this episode? We know from their next visit that he had a number of rooms mapped by Yussa then, as well as some rooms beyond that in case they went out of the known places.  Did he already know that Halas was trapped in here?  Did he already have the dreadnaught planned?  Or did he just have a few rooms set up for this, and slowly started creating more once the party retained access to the sphere?

With all the influence from the Halls, how did I not realize that this is where Liam/Caleb took the stained glass inspiration from?? Matt’s very specifically describing how there’s only a lightless void beyond, which is 100% why Caleb talks about how the stained glass windows in the tower are thick and cannot be seen through, so there isn’t that jarring sense of disconnect into the void.

...a small ruby circle floating in the Astral sea.   ….I know it’s the switch to get to the dragon chamber, but is anyone else getting MAJOR Cognouza vibes?????  This would have been around the same time, right?  Pre-calamity, pre-divine gate.  I’m pretty sure Halas knew about Aeor…..*runs to check wiki*  Ah, no.  Born DURING the calamity, long after Aeor fell.  Aware of Aeor and the Somnovem.   ...I’m still getting Cognouza vibes.

What the fuuuuuck is this porcelain doll that Caleb finds at the desk?????

Defeating a mimic with a pepper arrow causing it to sneeze so hard it’s tearing it’s wounds is AWESOME.

I do like how Matt keeps reminding Liam that it’s a room full of books, and Caleb doesn’t give a shit and keeps trying to help Fjord.  I wonder how much, if any, of that is reactionary to his guilt for his manipulation of Fjord in Dashilla’s lair?  It might all just be him caring, Caleb at this point has been moving slowly out of true neutral into chaotic good.  I suspect that at least part of it is guilt though.  I’m also getting feels with Caduceus having Twiggy help him to get books for Caleb, and Caleb STILL keeps ignoring him to try to help Fjord.

Matt “that book has spell equations in it”  Caleb “we have to get Fjord out of the window somehow”  MATT AND LIAM GOING BACK AND FORTH SO HARD WITH THIS

(also now it almost feels like Caleb is maybe punishing himself for being manipulative with Fjord by not allowing himself to take the spell book?  At least, not until pushed to do so)

oh fuuuuuck I forgot they don’t take the big ruby book.  I do feel a bit bad for Liam, as it’s a rough situation for a player to be in.  The wizard class has a lot of reliance on finding spells written somewhere, and to be tempted/taunted with the possibility in a situation where 1) it’s not in character any more for you to stay where once it would have been, and 2) you’re the only one at the table while the rest of the group have made a different decision. It’s rough!  And I do wonder if there were spells available that he could have gotten aside from the single book that he got.  Because the next time they go, Yussa had taken all the books.  (I like Yussa, but he’s also kind of a dick at times.  Or maybe that’s just me not wanting NPCs to get loot that the PCs deserve instead.)

Props to Matt for playing out the entire section with the main group first before heading to Fjord, knowing that there’s no way they would fully disconnect from meta knowledge that he was facing a dragon.  Props to Travis for sitting and chilling while the rest of the group faffed around, before spotlight was put on him.  This group just works so well together it warms my heart

Hmmm, is this equivalent to Krieg?  I don’t remember if he was a young or adult dragon.  *checks*  Between young and adult, killed with a full group of level 7.  LOL and this group is level 7 now too!  ...I can’t wait to see the young adult blue dragon that C3 faces at level 7 XD

After having seen the Thordak ‘mini’, this mini doesn’t scare me at all XD

POLYMORPH!!!!!!!!!!!   This is, by far and away, the MOST iconic C2 spell and I LOVE IT SO MUCH.  I love every single time that it got used in the campaign.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  I know some people are a bit salty and feel like it ‘cheapened’ or ‘ruined’ combat scenarios BUT I DISAGREE IT’S SO AWESOME AND SO ICONIC.  It also helps that this is such a good group, that I don’t have any worries that they’re going to start relying heavily on this spell in C3. They’re not interested in ‘how can I beat the game easily’, they’re interested in RPing their PCs and any spells and flavor accordingly.  I would get the complaints if they’d been Polymorph heavy in C1 AND C2 AND it looked like they were going to in C3 as well.  C1 – cast 35 times, no idea how many times were successful. C2 – 130 times, no idea how many times were successful.   That’s a huge difference!  C1 looks like it’s mostly self or ally changing.  In fact, if the transcript search is accurate, the only aggressive Polymorph was Vecna Polymorphing Scanlan into a fox, so was used AGAINST them!

Props to Sam and Liam for being cool for having to sit out most of the fight because of the time taken to get there.  Again, this group is so respectful and works so well and shares the spotlight ALL the time and I’m full of warm fuzzies

I do love “we’re running, it’s bad” but I also admit that I’m not as giddy over it as the cast is.  Both first watch and now, I don’t get the full on giggles that it caused.  I’m assuming they’re a bit punchy because of the stress of the moment.  (“Help, it’s again” definitely got me a lot more)

Oh wow, I can’t believe this is the first time that Sam rolled a nat one with the crossbow!  I’m so used to him getting nat 20s immediately followed by nat ones XD

Things I didn’t notice first time around – how much LIAM hated that Caleb would leave the room, because he wouldn’t know otherwise.  I think I attributed the shaky voice to RPed fear first time, but now I’m thinking there’s at least a decent probability that it’s just Liam’s distress.  Follow that by him burying his face in his hands….oof he’s not happy.

Because I knew that everyone survived, I did NOT appreciate the stress of this moment enough during first watch through.  Now, with knowing how I feel when I watch C3 live, HOLY FUCK.  THE FUCKING STRESS.  Travis is fucking BURYING himself in his hoodie, Liam looks on the edge of breaking down, I cannot IMAGINE what Laura is feeling, though she’s not showing too much on her face, and the entire group is so quiet.  SO QUIET.

I still maintain that C1 combats are better than C2 (the only thing that I think C1 did better than C2, personally), but OOF I didn’t give certain moments in C2 their due.  I’d say maybe the C2 rewatch will change my opinion on the combat, but I’ve decided I’ll to a C1 rewatch and write up after, and I feel like it will be the same. It might even make me like C1 better!  (Not better than C2, C2 is my baby and cannot do any wrong ever)

“Are you disengaging?” “No”   this moment.  This moment. Nott has less HP than Jester, and a lower AC.  BUT.  I can’t really look at this scene in regards to the PCs.  Much like the counterspell scene, this moment is so powerful because of the players.  Because this, to me, is the epitome of Sam.  Why I think Sam likes playing support classes the way he does, why Sam, even with his humorously braggadocious attitude towards himself, always praises other people. We all talk about how much Liam loves his friends.  But SAM loves his friends, he loves his friends so much.  And all I see in this scene is how much Sam loves Laura.  (also Taliesin is nodding his head in the background because Taliesin also loves his friends so much and knows exactly what Sam, not Nott, but Sam is doing)

Fuck Liam’s almost in tears after the stress with Laura/Jester and after Sam shows that Nott was at 1 hp.  Liam loves his friends so much too.  THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH and that’s why I love CR so much.  In a world where almost literally everything is fucking awful right now, just seeing a group of friends who genuinely care for each other SO MUCH really helps get through the moments when I all I want to do is bury myself under the covers and cry.   (...I was gonna quote Sam Gamgee here, but I looked up the quote and I’d misremembered it, it doesn’t say good people, so Imma just shut up and finish the episode XD)

That sheer catharsis of the nat 20 and the HDYWTDT.  YES

Laura is teary eyed and I do NOT know if it’s Laura or if it’s Jester.  THIS WAS AN EMOTIONAL EPISODE THAT I DIDN’T EXPECT.  I swear, I missed so much of this emotion during the first watch through, I think because I didn’t see just how close they were at the time.

Side benefit of this that I think Matt planned from the start?  Skip the travel to Bisaft Isles, skip the time of repair, means that they can take as much time as they want for RP next episode, but they can also choose to move on right away if they wanted to.  They’re not locked in behind a timegated repair session.

….oh fuck.  Caleb’s “I walk off” and I just remembered that next episode he refuses to go with the group, makes himself transcribe spells, and calls himself a piece of shit.  He’s hurting HARD, and probably from both the Fjord AND Jester situation.

The end conversation with Beau and Caduceus was really sweet.  I do wish we could have gotten more of that pair interacting. Unfortunately, it’s just one of the ones that didn’t get explored as much as I would have liked.

@suicidallyreckless

[whatifxwereyou]

The Oncoming Storm Part 16: The Road Ahead

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

Here we go! Yay! I'm excited for the decision you guys made and worked on planning it out last night. Looking forward to some more Kung Lao followed by some delightful Liu Kang, followed by some shenanigans- and then the big choice. Then the fic will split and change names depending on who you wish to follow. I also have two more new fics on the way. I'm still sorting out the notes for those. One will be Liu, the other Lao. Lao's will be very action oriented and Liu's will be a bit more psychological. Hope you are all having a fantastic Monday! Much love and thanks for reading!

Part 15 Part 17 Chapter Index

You mulled over the decision but not for long. It wasn’t a difficult one. “I don’t see why we shouldn’t do it how you’re suggesting.” You shrugged. Kung Lao adjusted behind you. You were still weary but felt stronger as time passed, though marginally so. “If Kung Lao is excited about going to Japan, then he can come with me to Japan.” Just to prove that you could, you sat upright though you felt the weight of your body was still a bit too much for you. Kung Lao placed his hand on your lower back to help support you without drawing any attention to your wobbliness. You were very appreciative of his discretion. Every movement you made that was off, sent Liu Kang’s blood pressure through the roof. “And if Liu Kang is familiar with Huangshan, then that will give us a leg up there. We could use any advantage we can find. If I remember correctly, the Yellow Mountains are huge.”

Liu Kang nodded to confirm that it was true. You didn’t remember much about Huangshan other than what you had read about in school. From the little you did remember you were grateful to have a guide so you wouldn’t have to hike for days to search for an obscure point hidden amongst the rocks.

“Then it is decided.” Raiden looked to you for confirmation and you nodded.

“For the record, I promise that I’m not just excited about Japan and the festival. I’ve spent some time there so I’m familiar with getting around. Not specifically Mount Osore, of course but some familiarity is better than none.” Kung Lao then leaned closer to you and whispered with a grin in Japanese. “I’ll make sure that we’re both safe.” You smiled fondly. You spoke enough Japanese to get by. Your mother had grown up in Chiba and had spoken it often in your youth. You weren’t practiced and would likely be barely conversational but could get by better than most. You’d always wanted to go to Japan. This was a funny way to go about achieving that dream. Honestly, you’d never left home other than a few trips to Vietnam to take your students to competitions.

“Your trip will give me time to do a bit of research in Huangshan. I’ll do my best to see what I can find out before you meet me there.”

You urged Kung Lao’s hand away from your lower back and scooted away from his lap where he’d held you. Liu Kang, still crouched nearby, reached for your hand, and urged his fingers to your wrist to check for a pulse. You sighed and watched as Kung Lao tried not to laugh at your frustration. You waited patiently for Liu to get what he needed but when he didn’t let go, you decided to swat his hand away.

He smiled and turned his gaze, aware that he had lingered for much longer than necessary. The air in Raiden’s chamber was stifling. Between the haze of magic that you’d cooked up and being somewhat sandwiched between two of your favorite people, you could barely breathe. You were suddenly ecstatic to spend some time away from Raiden’s Temple. Not that you didn’t appreciate it. You did! But it would be nice to see the rest of the world. Yours had shrunk from your hometown to this temple and even though it was technically bigger than your hometown it was also out of time, in a way.

“We can head out as soon as Lord Raiden is ready to send us off.” Kung Lao seemed excited. “Right?”

“Immediately?” Liu objected.

“Why not? What are we waiting on, you think?”

“Do you really think that it’s the best idea to leave right this second, Kung Lao? Y/N just had a vision last night. And after what we just witnessed she can barely sit upright.” Liu Kang counted the reasons on his fingers. “Not to mention that I’m burnt out. I need rest.”

“Wow, the pun.”

“…not intended.” Liu considered and seemed pleased.

“Bull.” You teased and Kung Lao laughed and offered you a high five which you reciprocated. Liu rolled his eyes at them both with a heavy sigh.

“Joking aside, wouldn’t it be wise to take a day and be better prepared?”

“That seems like a waste of time.”

“There’s plenty to do today, Kung Lao. Find a place to stay while we’re there. Food. Clothing. Timing. Research where and how to approach this…” Liu counted the reasons again on his fingers.

“I…” You began.

“We can figure that out just as easily when we get to where we’re going.”

“And what if we’re attacked?”

“You really think that something’s going to hunt us the moment we arrive?”

“I don’t think-“ You tried again.

“Not the moment we arrive but we have to consider the possibility considering the way that voice spoke and what Lord Raiden saw.”

You decided to tune them out as they argued. Considering it was about you and your trip you were a little annoyed that they were talking as though you were not there in the room to help decide. You could feel Lord Raiden’s piercing gaze on you as if he were curious to see how you would handle being talked over.

“Listen, boys, your both pretty,” you spoke loud enough to interrupt them. Liu Kang and Kung Lao silenced, looking to you with wide eyes. “And you both make valid points but I’m making the decision. We’ll leave tomorrow morning. I need a chance to rest and prepare. And no, I’m not making this decision on either of your recommendations. This is what I think is best. I know that I’m too tired to do what needs to be done there today.” You scolded them but did so with a smile. It felt nice to be listened to. “This is my quest and you will follow my lead. Got it? I won’t be talked over and steam rolled by you two.”

“Got it loud and clear.” Kung Lao smirked. “I like take charge Y/N. She’s fun.”

Liu Kang on the other hand still looked incredibly worried. “Yes, of course. I’ll follow where you lead, Y/N.”

Raiden stepped closer and you could see the hint of a smile on his face. You were glad that you’d taken his silent encouragement to interrupt the two brothers. “Tomorrow morning you will meet me here and I will send you on your way.” He then turned to Kung Lao and offered him a look that was also a warning. “Remember, this is important.” Liu Kang narrowed his eyes at his brother as if to warn the same thing. You couldn’t hide your curiosity as to why that was. You would absolutely be asking about it later. What kind of trouble was Kung Lao know for getting into exactly?

“You two worry too much. I’m taking this very seriously.”

“When you are finished in Japan then Kung Lao will call me.” Raiden addressed you without further explanation. “I will return him here and send you to meet with Liu Kang in Huangshan.” How exactly would Kung Lao call upon him? You supposed that he was a god, so there was probably some unspoken magic. You’d make a point to ask Kung Lao about that later, too. It would be easier than asking Raiden. He really was intimidating.

“Will do.” Kung Lao smiled and Liu Kang nodded his agreement.

“I’m going to stop by the infirmary to get checked out now. Just in case. I don’t remember any of what went on here, but I can feel how tired I am.” You were nervous to try and stand on your own, but you also didn’t want to feel anyone else’s worry that day. You’d had enough from Liu the other night. You found his worry sweet, but also a little excessive. Liu Kang seemed surprised and impressed that you were going there on your own without him twisting your arm. Before he could say anything, Kung Lao had jumped to his feet.

“I’ll walk you there.” He offered you a hand. You rejected it and stood on your own, just to prove that you could, even if you hadn’t been positive that you could. It had been worth the effort it turned out, even if your legs were wobbly. Kung Lao had a way of making you wish to prove that you could do things beyond what you thought you were capable of. Even so, he offered his arm, unbothered that you’d ignored his hand. You took it. Your body was exhausted, after all. At least your neck had decided to continue supporting your head. You’d been through a lot lately and were grateful that your body listened to you at all.

“I’ll check in on you later.” Liu assured you and you smiled.

“See you then. Raiden? Thank you.” You bowed politely to them both and Raiden silently acknowledged your gratitude with a bow of his own. There was more that you’d wanted to say to Liu Kang, but Kung Lao was already leading you out of the room. You’d have time to talk to him later. You stole a glance over your shoulder and found him watching you go. Usually when you caught him staring, he would avert his eyes and go about his business but this time he offered you a knowing smile that made your heart flutter. Then he went to speak with Lord Raiden.

Kung Lao led you down the long hallway and around the corner. You pulled from his arm and leaned heavily against the wall once out of sight of Raiden’s chamber. With an exasperated noise, you let your full weight rest against the wall and caught your breath that you’d practically been holding. Your whole body was sore as if you’d worked out far beyond your limit. “I need a second.”

Kung Lao laughed and stood before you, amused. “Exhausted, huh?”

“So exhausted.” You swatted his hand as he reached for you and then whined as he urged his arm around your waist and pulled you away from the wall. You continued like that toward the stairs. He supported most of your weight but didn’t drag you or hurry you too quickly. “Thanks, Lao.”

“No problem, Y/N. Figured you needed an out and a little help to get it. Liu was radiating with worry. Kinda knew you were trying to save face especially after your cute little speech.” He teased but you were grateful that instead of making you sit and breathe, he was just dragging you along like it was no big deal. You did kind of want to lay down and sleep for a year though.

“He worries about me a bit too much, I think. I don’t want him to stress over me. Thank you for helping me do that and not just picking me up like I’m an invalid.”

“I get it. Happy to help.” He shrugged. “Definitely thought about picking you up and doing just that but you seemed particularly defiant after your episode, there.”

“I am feeling particularly defiant.”

“I can tell. And those dragons, Y/N, well, I’m impressed.”

“…how long was I out like that, by the way?”

“Oh, a long while. About an hour, I’d say.”

“An hour?” You gasped, stopping your walk and pulling a bit away from him, just so you could turn to face him. “Raiden and Liu had to keep all that back for that long?” What the hell? You could barely summon an ink jian yesterday and had made dragons, a vortex, and a throne for an hour while you were unconscious!

“Who’s worrying now?”

“No wonder he’s burnt out, Kung Lao! No wonder my body hates me.” You shook out your fingers. They were tingling on and off with numbness. Kung Lao urged you onward.

“Don’t feel bad about it, Y/N. It was awesome.” Kung Lao was beaming with pride. His smile was just like it had been when you were kids, but it suited him better now- with just the slightest hint of dimples and the cutest little wrinkle on his chin.

“It was terrifying. My body did all that without me.”

“When you can control it then you’ll change your tune.”

“Probably but still!” You weren’t sure that you would ever be able to control it to that extent at this point. Honestly, you were still perturbed that it had happened in the first place. Your body and arcana doing things without your permission, speaking in other voices? It was spooky and not in a fun Halloween sort of way. More of in a possessed-by-demons way.

“When we get to Japan, we’ll stop and pick something up to wear to the festival. Probably yukata? Going to look into the appropriate garb.” Kung Lao was apparently done talking about that now.

“You have no idea how much I long for new clothing.”

“Oh? But why?” Kung Lao looked you over while you walked. You were steadier as you went, less losing your footing and wobbling. His grip had relaxed on you, but he still kept his arm around you just in case. Probably. “You’re very cute in the hanfu.”

“Yeah, well your fancy Raiden’s Temple clothing is easier to function in. I need jeans, Kung Lao. Jeans and comfortable shirts! These are pretty but they’re a little too delicate for me. I certainly can’t fight in them. I’m not delicate. You know that.”

“I do. All too well.”

You shoved him playfully, but he didn’t let go of you. “You know what I mean.”

“I do. I get it. Still like the hanfu though.”

“Where did you get all yours, anyway?” You tugged on the jade ring on his belt. You loved what he wore. It was as though it had been personally tailored just for him. He smirked.

“You earn cool clothing with great power, Y/N. Someday you’ll earn your own too.”

“That’s a dumb answer.” You rolled your eyes at him. The trip to the infirmary was just about over and you were grateful for his conversation along the way. Your legs were tired of carrying your body around. Once inside, you waved at Chen who was across the room and surrounded by boxes. Chen smiled at you and held up a finger as if to tell you that she’d be with you in a moment.

You escaped Kung Lao’s arms and turned instead to face him. He folded his arms over his chest and smiled down at you. “Kind of feels like we’re in one of those movies we used to watch at your Grandma’s.” He sounded amused.

“Like Disciples of the 36thChamber?” You recalled one of your favorites. You had nearly destroyed the old VHS tape that your Grandma had recorded it on for you. You’d fast forward through the commercials, seated way too close to the television.

“Or Police Story.”

You smiled fondly in remembrance. Those were some of your happiest memories. You’d spent hours watching your Grandma’s tapes and then you’d go outside and pretend that you were skilled enough to be part of them. You’d held onto those memories tighter than most because he had died. It was still amazing to you that he was there and alive. You really should have talked about it but now wasn’t the time. When would it be though? “I’m not sure that what we’re about to do is going to be anything like those movies but I am pretty excited to remember what the rest of the planet looks like outside of this temple.”

“It’s a healthy reminder. Grounding. This place can be all consuming and a little overwhelming.” You were surprised to find that he understood the idea better than you had expected him to. Kung Lao was very much full of surprises. “Do you need me to stick around or are you okay down here on your own? I don’t love this place. Bad memories. Besides, I’ve got a dozen things to do before the day’s over and we’re on our way to Japan.”

“Oh? Is that so? You were pretty adamant that we leave immediately.” You teased.

“Does that mean you don’t want me to leave? Is that what you’re getting at?” He grinned, eyes sparkling in amusement. His whole face lit up when he smiled. It was remarkable.

“I didn’t say that. I’m just calling your bluff.”

“What bluff?”

“Boy, you can be frustrating.” You shoved his shoulder and he pretended to be pushed back and then smiled.

“Really though, can I go?”

“Go, Kung Lao. I’m fine here. Chen will help me if I need it.”

“Okay, okay.” He laughed and then walked backwards toward the doorway into the hall. “But if you need me then just send someone to find me.”

“Just go!” You laughed and as you turned away, you heard a crash behind you, as though Kung Lao had knocked something over while walking backwards. You did your best to resist looking backwards so that he could save face, but you laughed anyway. Then you took a seat against the far wall of the infirmary, waiting near where Chen was working. Moments later, Chen took the seat next to you with a smile. She looked tired but still happy to see you.

“I noticed that it wasn’t Liu Kang who brought you here today. And that Kung Lao was fully clothed.”

“…do you think that I’m strategically permanently disrobing them or something? I told you what happened this morning.” You furrowed your brow in sincere confusion at the accusation.

“One could hope. Perhaps I gave you too much credit.” Chen laughed and folded her hands neatly in her lap. You sat then in silence for a moment. “Are you here to gush more about Liu or…?”

“Or what? I’m actually here for medical reasons as I so frequently am? Since I have never once ever come to you just to gossip? Especially gossip about myself?”

“Or you could be here to talk about that dopey smile Kung Lao had on and the fact that he knocked over a whole stand of medical supplies on his way out. Or that he was in the infirmary willingly again. I can count the number of times he’s been here on one hand. At least before you got here. And those times were dragged in bloody and beaten.” You didn’t like the mental image of him bloody and beaten.

“You’re the most ridiculous gossip I have ever met.” You whispered in an accusatory tone.

“I know!” She shouted and you held your face in your hands and laughed. Chen had a way of making you smile more than anyone ever had. “Besides, you can do both those things while here. Gossip and the medical stuff. It’s called multitasking, Y/N.”

“I’m leaving for a few days on an errand. Wanted to check in before I go. Today was a lot too and I’m feeling particularly drained.”

Chen frowned.

You felt instantly slighted and turned your gaze to the floor. You were capable. Everyone worried about you, but you’d be fine. You knew this was scary and you kept repeating Raiden’s warning of death in your head, but you could do this. You would fight until your last breath.

“Why are you leaving?”

“Everyone looks at me like that, Chen. I’m fine.” That wasn’t true, you supposed. Kung Lao didn’t often look at you like that. Even as kids he hadn’t.

“Do you want me to list all the reasons that’s a lie? Because I could. I won’t and since you probably have to do this, I’ll send you with extra supplies just in case.” Chen shook her upset away and mustered optimism for your sake. You were grateful. “Are you going with Liu Kang? And more importantly, will you get to have any fun with Liu Kang? Or Kung Lao? I’m not picky at this point. Both very good looking.”

You ignored the gossipy remark and instead explained your vision that morning and very vaguely touched on where you had to go and what you had to do. You weren’t sure how much you should share so you were careful to leave out the most important details. To be honest, you had no idea what you expected to find in either place but it felt good to have a purpose that you knew you could achieve. You very briefly touched on the disturbing incident with Lord Raiden but avoided most of the messy details. You’d been dead unconscious through it, anyway. Chen’s face flickered back and forth between worry and trying to keep a smile up for you. You supposed you couldn’t blame Chen.

“Well, then I’ll make you a little kit to travel with.” Chen patted your shoulder and stood, setting about shoving supplies into a portable first aid kit nearby. She was filling it with the basics but also small bottles of pills and several syringes. She then set about writing instructions for how to use each of them. You were almost certain that you wouldn’t need any of it but were still grateful. “Just in case. Better to have it and not need it then need it and not have it.” She closed the small case and then handed it to you where you placed it in your lap. Then she took both of your hands and sat next to you.

“Thank you, Chen.”

“It’s no problem. This one though? This is a personal prescription given to you by your friend and doctor. Please. Please, I’m begging you. Get drunk. Make some stupid, immature mistakes with one or both of those men. Please? For me? I’m begging. Literally.”

“Ch… I… what?” You stuttered and felt your face burning again. You thought you’d gotten past that today. “Did you not hear the whole part about ancient sacred objects hidden away by a demon creature that I have to find? Or… were you not listening?”

“Oh, no, I heard you. But please… also do the other thing. You can do both. Really. I mean that in every way you can interpret it.” Chen let go of your hands and then tapped the medical kit. “Also, glance over the notes I wrote for you just in case you do need any of this stuff.”

“Oh my God, Chen.” You laughed, leaning your head back against the wall behind your chair. “…thank you for bringing some levity to all this.”

“Thank you for bringing me such delicious gossip all the time.”

You rolled your eyes but still smiled. You were grateful to have Chen looking out for your well-being both physically and mentally. It was so easy to get lost in the haze that was Liu Kang and Kung Lao but with Chen’s constant teasing and joking, it helped you from getting consumed by it. “Would you walk me back to my room by any chance? Not so great on my feet today.”

“Sure, but I’m going to tease you the entire time about Liu Kang being half naked in your room first thing this morning. Still not completely convinced that he was just being comforting unless that word had changed its meaning since I learned it. You kids these days and your slang.”

“Could you possibly keep your voice down?” You stood, slipping the medical kit under your arm.

“It’s fine, Y/N. Everyone in here knows already.”

“I-Chen! What?” You were stuttering again. They all knew? You looked around the room and several of the nearby monks nodded to confirm this was true. Your face was on fire again.

“You’re a fool if you think it’s not super obvious or something. In fact, we have a pool going on down here. One of us is going to be much wealthier after you’ve sorted things out.” Chen shrugged. “I am one of the only people voting for both.”

“You are all terrible monks. Every single one of you.” You said very loudly, and the other monks laughed. Some waved as you and Chen made your way out of the infirmary. Others wished you luck on your journey. One even whispered he was betting on Kung Lao. You suddenly felt very exposed. Were you really that obvious? Chen stayed close to you as you walked and steadied you as she needed to. After you were sure you could talk without dying of embarrassment, you couldn’t help but be curious. “…who’s winning this pool?”

“We all agreed that you’re not allowed to know. I’ll tell you much, much later down the road.”

You laughed, again grateful for Chen and how ridiculous she could be. You were exhausted but also excited for the journey ahead. The next morning you’d be meeting with Kung Lao and travel to Japan to a Buddhist shrine inside a caldera. It was enough to look forward to that it would keep you from dwelling on Chen’s teasing and what Raiden had barely touched upon that morning.

If you didn’t get rid of the shadow hanging over you then you weren’t going to live to see Mortal Kombat.

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: wording out: when you can't write (1/?) - chronic fatigue

IDK if y'all are aware of this, but I've really been struggling with words lately. I'm a full 40 days behind my GYWO writing pledge for Days Written, and based on an informal expectation that I would write the word count I did last year, I'm only at 55%. And it's almost June, which makes me pretty damn behind.

There are a few things I've been meaning to talk about as reasons I haven't been writing -- please note this isn't because I think I owe anybody anything (except for a few lingering comms for v understanding friends) or that I really think anyone cares. It's just interesting stuff for a dialogue, really.

The key part of me not writing is that I've been caring for my three nieces weekly. This involves a 2-hr drive to my brother's house on Monday, where I pick them up from school (METL MUM) and watch them for 3 hours, then start / help / eat dinner. After dinner I can escape to the basement if I have things to do (and often do), but 3 hours with 3 young and very energetic girls can be exhausting, so it's rare that I have any spoons to write after, say, 20:00. Tuesday I wake up early to take them to school and have like 9:00-15:00 to myself, at which point I do the same thing, just a little more tired. Wednesdays I take them to school and then drive the 2 hr back to my house, at which point usually I collapse.

and there's a lot of this that has just taken far more energy than I expected. The girls, the travel, being away from my cats and my OWN grocery shopping and my safe spaces, sleeping in a strange bed (although at this point it isn't THAT strange), the wear of scope creep as weeks went on. 3 girls for 3 hours is a lot of overstimulation, which is one of the things I'm critically sensitive too -- more likely to wear me out than almost anything else.

Part 1: Fibro Sucks

We all know spoon theory, right, but -- a lot of the time I explain fibromyalgia and other chronic pain conditions using a credit or debit card analogy. Say you've got a card and every day you get X number of task energy loaded into that card. Then every time you do an activity, you swipe the card and it charges you. Some tasks - eat breakfast, shower - might be one unit of energy, while others - work 8 hours - might be six units, or eight, depending. For most ablebodied, neurotypical people, the number of tasks they can load onto their card in the morning usually averages out about equal to the energy they need for the entire day.

With fibro, first of all, you don't know how many energy credits you're going to have on any given day. You might wake up and have a 'normal' amount of energy. Or you might wake up and only have, like, 8 tasks on the card. And you have to pick how you want to spend them. Most of the time people with chronic pain disorders wake up with fewer task energy credits in their account, comparably -- this is why we're always complaining about not being able to keep up with the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. Our credit cards are a lot more limited. We don't get as many tasks per day as most typical people. Most people with fibromyalgia continuously run on a deficit.

And in addition -- yeah, you can borrow from the next day: you can overcharge the card. But not only does that give you less energy for tomorrow, the bank (your body) hits you with an overdraft fee, such as extensive pain, brain fog, exhaustion, or even illness. These things compound on themselves, too, until you've built up such debt that you have to spend an entire weekend in bed.

Recovery Days: When Brain and Body Are Just Done

The problem with all of this travel and work hasn't necessarily been the care itself (although man it's been great seeing the girls like this and ALSO oh man i'm super tired) -- it's been recovery. If I get up, drive / take the girls in, put in whatever work I can manage that day, care for the girls BY MYSELF, make dinner, etc... that's a full day. That's a full day for a parent. So even when I slip downstairs at 19:00 to relax, I've still put in a lot of work. And that plus the dissonance of continuous traveling has just ... it's worn down my credit card a lot.

The problem has been that I'll come home and do nothing Wednesday and usually need Thursday as a light-brain-and-body day until I'm recovered enough to feel like myself. By the weekend (when I see Actual Husband) I'm usually alright, but at that point I'm trying to forward-bank energy for next week's child care. When you run on a deficit like this, well -- my time w the girls is my top priority, they're my nieces, but/so other things start to suffer.

So one of the reasons it's been hard to write much of anything is because I've been spending far more time in Recovery Mode. Like, Hardcore Recovery Mode. (Fibro's one of the biggest reasons I don't have children of my own, although there are others.)

It's no surprise that the only things I've posted this year are comfort fic (forth, the fifth) and feral birthday gifts (weirdly specific AUs) where I had people cheering me on as I was writing AND a deadline. That encouragement piece has really, until now, been the driver. I'm finally starting to crawl out of the hole, finally looking at WIPs again, but.

And the funniest/worst piece is that I hadn't really realized up until just recently - when I started climbing out of the hole - what it was. It isn't necessarily writing burnout - because I still wanted to write - but it's other burnout, spending my energy elsewhere on other people and then needing to plug myself in like a dead phone. (My other favorite fibro analogy is the mobile phone with a shit battery and too many apps analogy.)

you just get tired of being tired, my friends. you get really tired of being tired.

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[i-growl-growl-growl]

Yandere Nct reaction to s/n being very energetic and liking to play, and dance around the house?

———————————————————————

I included Shotaro and Sungchan despite them not having yandere profiles yet, so I tried to give brief reasonings behind their behavior that I felt fit them the best, from what I know about them. 

Nothing for them is solid yet.

~Ahreum Rhea

———————————————————————-

Taeyoung: Deep down inside he loves your innocence and playfulness, but he’d have to get used to it, which would make him seem cold and irritated. He might soften on the inside, but it would take a long time before you actually saw it, so cherish it when you do. Most of the time he’d be glaring at you and being rough. 

“Glares You know I only play rough, kitten, I’ll destroy you. You can barely handle my light punishments and yet you want to play around with me? How brave. I don’t mind you dancing for me but, if you break anything, I’ll bend you over my knee and spank you- nothing in this house is cheap. I’m glad you can manage to keep this up despite your situation, though, but how much longer do you think you’ll last? Sighs You make me want to destroy you..”

Yuta: He loves it a little too much. Your energy instantly cheers him up and makes him forget his troubles but he’s still sick, though, so he’d also want to destroy you- it’s like has cute aggression or something. One moment you two are dancing around together and having fun, and the next, he’s biting, spanking, and degrading you.

“Ah, my little cherry blossom. This is why I made you my bitch. You’re so cute I just can’t help myself! You make me wanna do bad things to you- put you on your knees, whip you, tie you up, ngh! It’s been too long since I’ve last marked you so I’m down to play, but can you handle it, little bitch? Let’s have another dance, but this time, in my dungeon Grabs you by the neck. I’m gonna wreck you and I won’t stop until you’re weak.”

Mark: Cat and mouse/ Tom & Jerry “I’m gonna die,”type of thing. He loves the predator nature of playing around with you, but he gets so damn rough and he’s scary as hell. It’s hard to tell if he’s just playing with you of if he’s seriously going to try and hurt you. With Mark, it honestly depends on his mood. Try not to get him too excited and trigger that predator side or he’ll quickly get aggressive. 

“I was enjoying watching you dance, why’d you stop? To play?…Yeah, sure, come here. Let’s play. Oh, you’re gonna run now, huh? Don’t think you’ll be able to hide from me. I’ll always find you y/n, and, when I do, I’ll make sure you won’t be able to walk right for a week. This’ll actually be fun smirks as he stalks through the house. Come out, come out, where ever you are…”

Johnny: Either right there with you or shaking his head at your innocent antics. Most of the time, though, he’s right there with you, laughing, dancing, being silly and playful, but, on occasion, he’d switch from being funny and adorable to dominating and demanding, really quick. Remember, he’s a bit sadistic, so he’ll definitely love ruining you in the best ways as he sees this side of you as teasing at times.

“Hahaha! You look so cute! Wait, do it again- do that face again. HAHAHA! topples over in laughter. Oh man, I really needed that. Hmm, there’s something else I’m in need of now. Suddenly get a bit serious, pulling you closer Come here, little one, sit on my lap, it’s my turn to play. You’ve had your fun, now I’ll have mine bites his lip as his gaze pierces deeply into yours.”

Jaehyun: 70% 0 tolerance. 30% Finding it amusing and going along with you or turning it into  baby girl x daddy time. No in-between. 

“Aish, you’re like a child at times. There’s really no point in having children if you’re going to act like one. What are you, 5? I know I call you babygirl sometimes but-.. oh, I see. You want Daddy to play with you, huh? Well, you sure got my attention, honey. However, you’ve been a bad girl recently, so why should I reward your bad behavior, hm? If anything, I’ll give you a light punishment really quick. Bends you over Count to 5.” 

Doyoung: He isn’t always up for your shenanigans, but he does enjoy seeing you dance and be happy around the house. He’ll never get upset with you about being happy, so long as it doesn’t result in you getting hurt, which would earn you a punishment and restriction from a few privileges - almost like getting grounded. 

“How did you hurt yourself, y/n? I was only away for two minutes! You were dancing and then you slipped? You need to be more careful, y/n! You can’t do things that’ll get you hurt. No more dancing for a week, no more music, and no more walking around barefoot. I’ll buy you some foodies with grip. Maybe next week I’ll let you dance again. Stick to singing for now, gosh, I’ll even teach you myself.”

Jungwoo: You know this ball of yandere floof will be right there with you acting silly. So much so that he’ll most definitely get himself hurt and, if you wanna score major brownie points, you’ll bandage him up and give him cuddles to make him feel better, uwu. Make him hot cocoa and stroke his hair, you’ll have yourself a soft and happy yandere boi.

“Ouch! Shit, that hurt! That was stupid. Oh, no it’s nothing, I’m fine, really. Gets pampered anyway Mmm..huh? Y-yeah, it’s all better now blushes as your eyes meet. Cuddles next? Grins ah, thank you. I really enjoy these moments with you. I’ve always dreamt of this- not getting hurt, but this- being here with you like- ah, nevermind.”

Haechan: This boi initiated all of the crazy (literally and figuratively) crap that goes down. He’s arguably the most playful yandere in all of NCT. You’ll never win, and he’ll never LET you win either. Playing or not, he’ll always show you who’s boss.

“Smirks Try to get up. Ah, come on y/n, you’re not even trying hard enough. I’m not even holding you that hard! Hahaha, you look so helpless right now! HAHAHA. Hey, let’s play hide and seek. You go hide and I’ll seek. If I catch you, sweetie, I won’t go easy on you- my reward will be having you bent over this couch. If you win- well, you won’t, now go hide. 

        Ding Dong, I’m coming in.

Hurry up and run,

Let’s play tag and have fun.

Ding Dong I’ve come in.

        Hurry up and hide,

       Let’s play hide and seek and have fun.

ready or not, here I come!!” 

Taeil: He’s a quiet and calm yandere, so he’ll just watch you have fun but will whole heartedly enjoy every moment of it. Just don’t get hurt or he’ll become more controlling like Doyoung. He’s also an old soul that needs to conserve his energy but, shockingly, has a lot.

“Wow, you’ve got ton of energy. That’s the benefit of being so young pout. Ah, don’t worry. You’re so cute, y/n. Having fun? You must be thirsty after all that dancing and playing, huh? Let’s take a nap afterwards cuzz you look sleepy. Drink your water and then we’ll go have a nap, ok? Also, try to be more careful. I know you haven’t hurt yourself yet, but I worry sometimes. Can’t have you getting yourself hurt.” 

Ten: Sometimes he’ll engage with you in laughing, dancing, singing, whatever else you’ve come up with but, sometimes, he’ll get tired out and want some peace and quiet. 

“Goodness, you remind me of Yangyang from time to time- I hate it and love it sometimes. Of course, I love it because it’s you, but damn, chill out for a bit, y/n. Rest for a while and then we’ll play my way. Playfully squeezes your butt It’ll be my turn to tire you out and have you begging for a break. Rest well, cuzz you’ll need it.”

Jeno: Will go along with it and manage to outlast you. You’d be pooped out and he’d still try to play with you, but it’ll get darker and darker until you become worried. He’s got a thing for having you pushed past your limits, being exhausted and at his mercy. Even so, you can tell he’s holding back something. He always is. 

“Oh, you’re tired already? It’s only been two hours, though. Let’s play some more, I’m actually enjoying this. I said let’s keep playing, y/n. Actually, lay there, I’ll take it from here. You can be my little rag doll. Throws you onto the couch not so gently Ah, y/n-ah, you’re so cute like that. Laughs Ok, ok, I’ll stop for now, but only because you’ve been so good lately. I wouldn’t want to hurt you too badly, now would I?” 

Jisung: He can go hours and hours since he’s so young and he doesn’t mind getting rough with you either when you decided to get playful with him. You’ll definitely have your hands full with this one. Although he’s more so on the cool calm and collected side, he’ll have bursts of energy that’ll leave you surprised. He’s still learning his strength, though, so he might become a little too rough with you.

“Aish, babe, you’re really playful all of a sudden huh? Wanna play? throws you over his shoulder and jumps onto the couch with you We’ll play my way then. Tickles you until you’re crying of laughter and begging him to stop. HAHA, ok, ok, that’s enough for now. I’m hungry, let’s eat. Oh- you’ve got a bruise forming- I didn’t think I was being that rough..lets get you some ice and then eat, alright? 

Jaemin: He’d go from 100 to 0 and back so fast. One minute he’s being just as energetic, even chaotic, and the next, he’s just chillin as you jump around the house like a crazy jellybean. He’d watch you the entire time, though, taking pictures and recording you for when he can’t be at home. 

“Don’t stop, babe. You look amazing, keep going. Yaaaaaass, perfect! Pose for me! moves from position to position trying to capture you from every angle. Ahh, so lovely. Let’s take some together and have a dance battle afterward! I’ll show you some moves I learned the other day; I know you’ll look amazing doing them!

Renjun: Doesn’t mind at all. He’ll go along with whatever it is that you do but will definitely shut it down once he’s gotten tired and wants to do something else. Best to just go along with his wishes and see what else you’ll end up doing. Most of the time it’s something like video games or watching a movie/youtube/anime/etc. while eating delicious food. 

“Alright, I’m hungry. Let’s watch something and order in. What would you like to eat? Cool, I’ll have sushi, it’s been a while since I’ve had it. No, you can’t order the food. Don’t think I’ve forgotten the little stunt you pulled. I don’t care how long ago that was, you’re not talking to anyone else. Deal with it, y/n, or you’ll spend the night in the closet.”

Chenle: Being the type of yandere to not typically have lots of energy means he’s less likely to partake in your games. He’s mostly a serious yandere and he becomes more and more so as time goes on. Though, this doesn’t mean that he’ll shut you down every single time because he understands that this is your thing. When it becomes too much, he’ll just ignore you until you get bored.

“Hm, you’ve calmed down now, huh? It’s about time. I was starting to think that I’d have to drag you over here and hold you down for a while. You’d probably try to make me chase you, though, and I’m honestly not in the mood for all that. Wanna play video games? That’s something we’d both enjoy doing and it isn’t so chaotic.”

Lucas: He’d love the wrestle around with you and you always end up pinned in the most suggestive positions ever. If you’re feisty and don’t give in easily, this’ll be all the more fun for this yandere. He’s sadistic, so he’ll hurt you on purpose just to hear your beautiful whimpers and pleas. So, long as you’re playing in this aspect, he’d never hurt you too bad that’ll cause long lasting pain, but you’ll definitely end up with bruises and marks all over your body. 

“Haha, you really think you can get out of this, y/n? I’ve got you in a lock that’d allow me to pop your shoulder right out of its socket if I really wanted to. Be thankful that you’ve been a good girl recently or else this would hurt even more. Flips and pins your arms above your head, gripping your wrist too tight This is fun, we should really do this more often. Bites you then the timer for the microwave goes off Oh, the hot pockets are ready yanks you up like a rag doll.”

Hendery: He watches you and enjoys the view from where he’s sat. He’ll join you sometimes but, other times, he’ll just kick back and relax while watching you entertain yourself. He doesn’t always enjoy inflicting pain upon you, sometimes he’s perfectly content with watching you do your own thing, so long as it doesn’t go against any of his many rules. 

“Mmm, I’ll probably join you in a bit. Right now, I’m enjoying this amazing view  ; ). Mental note, add this song to the playlist since you love it so much. Oh? You’d like to play? Hmm, let’s see, you’ve been a good girl for two weeks now. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to play around with you. But, if I don’t like it, we stop when I say so, got it? Good. Since you’re being so good, you get to pick the game this time.”

Xiaojun: He’s also not for games but he does understand that you have to have moments like this to prevent yourself from slipping into insanity. Seeing you like this reminds him of how you were before he took you, when you were full of life and happiness. It’ll frustrate him if he isn’t a part of it somehow, though, so make sure to include him if you want to continue your fun. Also doesn’t like inflicting pain 24/7, especially not to you. 

“Why don’t you come over here and dance with me? Sure, I know how to dance. I know how to sing as well. Maybe if I’m pleased enough by the end of this, I’ll sing a song for you. For now, let’s dance- follow my lead, alright? Y/n-ah, you’re actually doing great. Play? What kind of play? ..Ah, what am I going to do with you…?”

Winwin: He’ll laugh and smile at your playfulness and energetic personality. This is one of the many things that led to him falling in love with you and he’d be over the moon if you two had playful tickle wars, so long as you’re the one being tickled- he doesn’t like it too much but won’t complain too much cuzz, well, you’re willingly and happily touching him. He feels so lucky!

“Y/n-ah, no, not there! AH! HAHA! Squirms Nooo! You’re just getting revenge, aren’t you?! Well, how about this! Pins your arms above your head and attacks your arm pits, neck, and sides until you’re begging him to stop. Ah, see? I always win adorable smile. Oh, this is your favorite song, show me what you’ve got!” 

Yangyang: Ok, playing around with this yandere will get crazy. He’s wild and savage with a lot of energy himself, so he’d have no mercy when it comes to games, no matter what it is- which he always wins, might I add. He’ll out-dance you easily and poke fun at you for not doing it right, but he’d love to teach you everything he knows. 

“You look silly doing it that way, hahaha! Ok, look, it’s like this, see? Easy. Well, I’ve had more practice, but we’ll work on getting you up to speed. You’ll never be as good as me, though, but you’ll still look amazing. You catch him off guard with “tag you’re it,”. He just catches you with one hand and pulls you back to him Too slow, y/n, that’s how I was able to catch you the very first time. Let’s try that again, but this time, I’ll give you a five second head start.”

Kun: He’d watch you with amusement as you dance around the house. He wouldn’t join you, but he’ll let you do your thing since he considers this a better alternative to you being locked up and unable to move freely. Just don’t break anything in the house or you will be locked up for it. As far as being playful, he’ll be annoyed at first but then quickly melt at the pleasant attention he’s getting from you of your own free will and he’ll reciprocate it if he’s in the mood. If not, stop.

“You like the playlist I made for you? I comprised it of all your favorite songs. Now, I don’t mind you dancing around or anything, but keep in mind that, if you break anything, you’ll be punished for it after you’re done cleaning it up. I can’t play right now, I’m busy making dinner. Maybe after we eat, we can, but we’ll see. Until then, stay out of the kitchen- I’m almost done. 

Shotaro: He would be shy about engaging with you in dancing around the house and playing. He’d play along with you, though, but don’t be surprised if he then instead fixates on you and watches you the whole time, practically drooling. He’s a young baby yandere.

“Y/n-ah, you’re so pretty! Y-you want me to dance with you? He begins dancing but stops as soon as you start, getting distracted uhh…huh? Oh! Sure, we can play..depending on what you want to play, though. Nothing that include you going outside, just remember that. No, we can’t make a tik-tok together just yet, but we can practice for when I do decide to let you in on one.” 

Sungchan: He’ll pretend to be cool and unaffected by your behavior but, deep down inside, he’d want nothing more than to pull you close to him and dance against you/with you. Being playful wouldn’t help either. He’d desperately want to get all cutesy and cuddly with you, but he’d settle on playing more adult games to prove himself in a way. He’s also a young baby yandere and he doesn’t want you underestimating him, thinking that he needs your love and affection. Give him time.

“Heh, look at you. Having fun, sweets? That’s good. Continues to watch you until you distract him by poking him and acting cute What? Feel like being playful now? I’ve got a better idea, get undressed and then dance for me. Maybe then I’d feel like playing around with you. I wasn’t asking, pipsqueak. Get to it before I get bored. You’ve obviously got the energy in you, my little bunny. If you do good enough, we’ll play video games.” 

[pcvensies]

Can I request a Leo Valdez imagine pls? Just something fluffy and cute, where he likes you and you like him but you're both too stubborn and clueless to admit to your feelings so you just kinda joke and flirt, nothing serious, meanwhile everyone is like 'omg just kiss already!!'

Thank you <3

Catch the flag.

in which you and Leo like each other, and during a catch the flag game, he gets hurt and you almost end Clarisse 😳

word count: 1420~

trigger warnings: none?? slight angst i guess, happy ending tho

for plot reasons, the reader is one of Persephone’s children (so cabin 40)

im in such a Leo mood lately send help my way ! ✌🏼😔 this is probably not what you wanted BUT i got carried away and i couldn’t stop myself from the angst with happy ending. i hope you like it babes 💙

Catch the flag was everyone’s favorite activity at Camp. You, Annie and Percy had been put on the same team, and your best friend, Leo, was on the other.

You looked at him, your arrow pointing to his chest as Annabeth jumped from the tree you both were hiding on.

“Is this all you’ve got, cielo?”.

Annabeth almost threw up when Leo called you by that petname, tired of this constant flirting you both had going on, but none of you seemed to notice.

It was not a secret for anyone, that you and the boy liked each other.

You, however, ignored his question. Your eyes searched for the flag around the brunette, who Percy had guessed would be around it, because of his fire abilities. If anyone could defend that flag, it had to be Leo. Also, he was way too noisy and giggly to try to make it to your team’s flag without being caught.

“Not here, if that’s what you’re here for”.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Valdez, I just wanted to see that pretty face of yours”, you replied, putting down your bow when Annabeth shook her head.

Leo chuckled, hands intertwined behind his head, and you rolled your eyes at him. But before you could turn around, you felt the pointy end of a sword against your lower back. Your eyes searched for Annabeth, and behind her, Clarisse held another sword.

“See? Told you little Y/n would come to Valdez. Jackson must be behind this, he knows we wouldn’t send Leo to get their flag”, she spoke, and Leo gasped, offended, “But I have an idea to find it”.

Clarisse kicked Annabeth’s leg, and when her knees hit the floor, you turned around, pointing your arrow at her.

“What are you doing, La Rue?”.

She ignored your question, her teammate, an Hermes daughter, looking as confused as you were.

Clarisse always took these activities too seriously, and you feared that she’d harm Annabeth to win, knowing Percy would come to find her.

“Valdez, the flag, is it safe?”, she ignored you, as her sword remained against the blonde’s back.

“Yeah— Yes, of course it is. And only I know where”.

The girl nodded, and she looked at the sky, like watching time pass. Her teammates were looking for the flag, and she had a new strategy to force your team to leave it unprotected.

Leo gave you a look, your bow still up, and you looked back at him, pouting slightly.

He shook his head, and you frowned, pouting again.

You didn’t need to speak to communicate with him, and something inside of his chest warmed at your soft face. He felt the urge to tell you were the flag was, but he knew better than to fuck up Clarisse’s plan.

“Annabeth, Y/n!”, Percy’s voice broke the silence, the dark haired boy followed by Ellis Wakefield, son of Ares.

You could swear Leo looked happy to see him near the flag and you two, even though it meant his team could lose.

“We have the whole team here, look at that!”, Clarisse said, her comment being a hidden attack to the rest of your teammates, “You’re so predictable, Jackson. You don’t see these two for more than two minutes and you forget about your mission… nothing new on you, though”.

Annabeth gave you a look, her eyebrows furrowed, and you turned to look at the son of Poseidon, his expression tense. Clarisse always knew how to piss him off.

“Ellis, find the flag, it’s near. Leo’s face says it all”.

You smiled at Percy, and he gave you a small grin, even though his eyes went back to his girlfriend a second later.

The daughter of Ares smirked, enjoying the fact that she knew how to find all of Percy’s buttons. She twisted a finger around a strand of Annabeth’s hair, yawning.

“It’s exhausting, Jackson, to see you fail at being a leader every single time”.

Leo frowned at her words, stepping closer to you, and you did the same, noticing how tense the situation was getting.

“Can’t even lead your girl to a damn fla—”.

Before Clarisse could finish her sentence, Percy had thrown himself against her, his very limited patience being finally over. Annabeth got up, and tried to pull him away from the girl, but they were throwing punches at each other like their lives depended on it.

“Perce, stop! That’s what she wants!”, you yelled, throwing your bow to a side and beginning to move towards them.

A hand grabbed your wrist, pulling you back, and Leo run to the fight, grabbing the blue eyed boy’s arm, pulling him from Clarisse, not without receiving the last punch and falling to the floor.

“Leo!”, your voice overlapped the girl’s and your friend’s arguing, as you dropped on the floor next to the curly haired boy.

His nose was dripping blood, and you looked at him with worry, before you felt your own start to boil under your skin.

You looked at Clarisse from the floor, the girl laughing at you two, and you got up, arms raising as you did.

You had an ability not all Persephone children had: geokinesis. Under the girl’s feet, the ground opened and closed again, trapping her from waist down.

Clarisse looked at you with anger, which soon turned into slight fear as the ground kept closing around her, squishing her a little at first, then starting to hurt.

But you didn’t care, she had hurt Leo. She had hurt him, right in front of your eyes.

“Y/n that’s enough!”, Annabeth’s voice filled your ears, but you ignored her, anger taking over you.

Clarisse let out a pained groan, as she tried to escape and free herself, but the more she moved, the tighter the ground trapped her.

“Hey, hey!”.

Something inside of you clicked at the sound of Leo’s voice, and the boy put his hand on your cheek, standing now between you and the Ares daughter.

“Y/n, let go of her. You’re hurting her, mi amor, come on”.

There was softness in his voice, and your arms dropped to your sides, a frown appearing in your face as you realised what you had done.

However, before you could apologise, Clarisse had already run away, followed by her brother and the Hermes child. Percy was a few meters away, checking on Annabeth, both of them looking at you with worry, but nodding at Leo and walking away to give you some space.

You groaned, shaking your head, and your eyes met Leo’s. He was still cupping your face, a worried expression on his face.

“Damn, mi amor… That was dark”, he gave you a small smile, whipping the blood from his upper lip with the back of his free hand.

“I— uh. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt her, just—“, you struggled to explain it, “She hurt you”.

Leo was nothing but shocked when you said that, and his eyes filled with softness, as he run his thumb over your cheekbone.

“Thank you for defending my honor, cielo… But I am alright, really”.

You nodded slowly, your eyes going from his to his lips in just a second, the proximity of his body to yours, and the situation just lived making your heart beat faster than anytime before.

The brunette looked at your lips too, meeting your eyes once again, but leaning closer this time, and you started to close your eyes, your hands moving to the back of his head.

His breathing caressed your lips, and you got on your tiptoes…

“Y/n, Annabeth! Percy! We have it, we found the fla—“, Kayla Knowles’ voice interrupted you, the flag in her hand.

You pulled away from Leo, both of you nervously clearing your throats, and the daughter of Apollo gasped, her eyes then fixing on the couple behind you and Leo.

Annabeth rolled her eyes, and Percy groaned, annoyed.

“Shit, Kayla, we’ve been waiting for this moment for months!”, he complained.

You laughed at his comment, and Leo scratched the back of his head nervously, turning around to leave.

“Where do you think you’re going, Valdez?”, this time it was Annabeth, and Leo grabbed your hand, starting to run away, “Come back here you two! I’ve waited enough already!”.

She seemed pissed off for real, Perce’s laughter muting her scolding. But with your hand in Leo’s, running through the forest, Annie’s anger was the last of your thoughts.

[nicosbrainrot]

here's something I wrote after talking to @kamiart about rin's fight in round 3 because I am full of love for rin & wanted to write an interaction for them <3

~

Ikuto was watching from the seats with the rest of his classmates. It was the third round of the sports festival and Rin was going up against Taishiro, both students in Sato sensei's class. The fight was a fast paced one, and it seemed like Rin could win it, depending on how much energy she had reserved, she had the advantage seeing that Taishiro couldn't use his quirk on her projectiles. Ikuto watched diligently, knowing that her quirk required moonlight and so she was running on a limited supply. She had faked out her last opponent by pretending to run out of energy, but after two whole fights she might actually be running low. Eventually she threw a kick at her opponent, which he quickly rewound and sent her flying. She wouldn't get up close unless she had to, this meant she was out of energy. The fight now could easily turn in Taishiro's favor but they locked onto each other, caught in a struggle with neither letting up. Suddenly Taishiro said something, not quite audible to the audience, but Ikuto could make out the word "dad," and he could see, even from the stands, something change in Rin's expression.

She said something, low and quiet, before shouting, "At least you have a father to fight for!" Her voice shot through the stadium, and she said something else, though still not quite audible, before shouting again, something about being able to do this on her own, and their surroundings quickly exploded into a bright flash of blinding light, but only for a moment.

Ikuto looked back at the arena after the blinding flash and saw as Rin stood there, staggering, and almost shot up from his seat when her body collapsed to the floor. Taishiro didn't seem to have done any damage, that was the result of her quirk, the result of her energy reserves being completely depleted. He watched as Miss Me quickly rushed into the ring, declaring Taishiro the winner and announcing that he would progress to the next round, as they brought an unconscious Rin off of the field and towards Recovery Girl's office.

After the crowd cheered and fell to a chatter, as it did between every round, Ikuto's thoughts began racing. Many students had been quite roughed up by the end of their fight, but none due to their own quirk. Well, some had overexerted themselves a bit, but they all ended up fine. Ikuto knew the nature of Rin's quirk, that she had an energy reserve that overlapped with her body's own natural calories, which it would cut into when her lunar energy had run out. If it was anything like he was imagining, and she was really on empty when that flash of light happened, she could be in pretty bad shape.

He quickly turned to Hoshizawa, who was sitting next to him on the bench. "I... I'm gonna go check on her, if that's okay."

"Oh yeah, sure." they said, seeming fine to be left on his own.

Ikuto got up out of his seat and headed down in the direction of Recovery Girl's office. He made his way down the hallway and peaked inside the room. Rin was now laying on the bed, still unconscious, Recovery Girl tending to her.

"Uh, excuse me." Ikuto spoke softly, and Recovery Girl turned around to face him. "I'm sorry to intrude, but..."

"You wanted to check on her?" she asked in her cheery tone.

Ikuto just nodded, stepping in from the doorway. He could see that her breathing was shaky, and his brow furrowed just slightly in worry.

"She isn't physically injured, but her body has depleted all its energy, she's overexerted herself. Sadly, I can't do anything to help her besides standard treatment." she told him.

Her quirk allowed her to help a person's body heal at a rapid pace but depleted the person's energy, which was the opposite of what Rin needed right now. He thought for a moment before turning to face the short nurse.

"I could get her something out of the vending machine." he suggested.

She smiled up at him. "Oh, that would be lovely, how sweet." she said, her chipper tone contrasting with Ikuto's monotone voice.

He nodded and quickly turned to leave, walking down the hall to one of the vending machines scattered around the building. He pulled out some money, which he kept loose in his pocket after Aito stole his wallet a few too many times and he got tired of asking for it back. He looked at all the drinks and decided on a bottle of fruit juice, it was sugary but not too processed, and he wasn't sure if she liked soda. He also got her a candy bar, the more she could eat after all this the better. He went back to the nurse's office, quietly walking inside and placing the food and drink on the table beside the bed.

Recovery Girl pulled out a bottle of medication, and Ikuto immediately remembered the bottle he saw near her bed when they were going through everyone's dorm rooms, it was heart medication. He looked over at Rin, who was still asleep on the bed, her breathing choppy. "Her heart, is it..." he started, not looking up from the bedridden girl.

"It's quick and irregular. I have this for her, but I can't give it to her until she wakes up." she said, setting the bottle down on the table.

Ikuto looked over to Recovery Girl. "Would you... like me to try and steady it?" he asked, unsure if she would trust him with that.

She was aware of his quirk, and thought for a moment. "If you're positive you know what you're doing." she said, a bit of hesitation in her voice.

"I do." Ikuto said calmly, and pulled up a chair next to her bed.

He sat down and placed his hand on her inner wrist. He could feel the irregularity in her pulse, and as he activated his quirk he could almost feel the pressure her heart was under. It wasn't unlike that of someone who was malnourished, the strain that puts on your heart. In fact, it was in that moment that Ikuto realized how thin she was, that she was underweight. His worry grew, because that only made the results of overexerting herself worse and far more dangerous. He made a mental note to check in on her eating if given the chance. However, right now he needed to focus, it wasn't difficult to slow her heart rate but steadying it took more concentration. He brought her heart rate down to a normal level, and kept it consistent. If he let go it would return to it's staggered pace, so he just sat there for a while, hand gently resting on her arm.

There was a television in the room silently playing footage of the current round, and Ikuto watched as the quiet battle took place on screen, taking note of any interesting strategies he saw. More and more times passed, and quite a few rounds came and went, but he was in no rush to leave.

After about an hour, Rin shifted slightly. Ikuto resisted his instinctual urge to pull away, not wanting to cause a jolt in her heart rate, and instead gradually let go of his quirk's hold on her, allowing her heart to return to it's irregular pace slowly. Recovery Girl quickly walked over and picked up the bottle of medication as Rin slowly woke up, and Ikuto let his hand fall down to his lap, getting a strange feeling from being disconnected after an hour sitting there holding pace for her.

Recovery Girl set her hand on Rin's shoulder as she slowly sat up, very groggy, holding a hand to her head. She blinked a few times, still exhausted, trying to reorient herself and remember what exactly happened before passing out. Recovery Girl handed her a glass of water and her medicine, which she took with a quiet "thank you" before turning to see Ikuto sitting near the bed.

His shoulders suddenly tensed up as he realized that she may think it's weird of him to have been here this whole time, seeing that they don't know each other very well, but tried his best not to let his worry show and looked up at her with as soft an expression as he could manage.

Rin's face showed a bit of surprise at the sight of someone in the room with her besides the nurse who she had seen just hours earlier. It took them both a moment of awkward silence before Ikuto finally spoke.

"How are you feeling? Are you alright?" he asked, a bit of worry in his voice.

"I... Yeah, I'm alright." she said. She felt exhausted but she wasn't horrible.

"You should eat something." he stated, reaching for the drink and candy bar to hand them to her. "Or uh, drink something... or I could get you something else, but you need something in your system after all that."

It was a bit strange to have this usually very quiet and reserved boy suddenly fussing over making sure she ate. She hesitantly reached out and took the now lukewarm drink and candy bar out of his hands.

"Th-thank you." she said quietly, not really looking him in the eyes.

She looked down at the candy bar in her hands for a moment before slowly unwrapping it and taking a bite. Ikuto just sat there, looking up at the match on the screen, but not really paying much attention to it, he just didn't want to stare at her while she ate.

When she finished the candy bar she realized just how hungry she actually was and silently wished she had another one as she opened the bottle of juice Ikuto had bought her and took a sip.

"I couldn't hear much of what you said during the match but..." he started, before turning to face her. "It was something about family, wasn't it?"

She slowly brought the bottle down from her mouth and swallowed nervously, remembering what exactly had triggered the outburst that landed her in this hospital bed. "Yeah... it was." she said, and for a moment Ikuto thought that was all she would say about it before she looked up at him and asked, "What is your family like, Maekawa-san?"

His eyebrows raised in surprise at the question, and he looked away for a moment to think. "I have a little brother." he said, not looking up from the floor. "He's a bit of a handful, really playful and likes to cause trouble, but he's a sweet kid." She could see a small smile on his face as he spoke.

"You sound like you care for him very much." she said softly, and he did, she could hear it in the way he spoke.

"I... I do." he said, looking as if he had just realized something. "I have to admit, I miss him since moving into the dorms."

There was a moment of silence, though not quite awkward, before she asked, "Y-your parents, what about them?" and there was curiosity in her voice.

He looked up at her, something in his expression that she couldn't quite place, and he hesitated before speaking. "They..." he started, before turning away from her again, looking back at the floor.

"They both have very different ways of showing that they care. My dad has... high expectations. He always says I can do better, wants me to be the best I can. And my mom, she thinks I'm more capable than I really am... and I don't want her to realize she's wrong." He looked back up at her and saw a strange expression on her face, and worried he had said something wrong. "Ah, I shouldn't be complaining. I love my family, they're not bad, I just..." He looked down for a moment before looking back up to meet Rin's gaze. "I don't want to let them down, you know?"

Rin looked him in the eyes for a moment before staring down at her hands, still holding the juice bottle she'd barely drank out of. "No... I don't know, actually." She hesitated for a moment. "I've... never had a family to disappoint."

Ikuto stiffened a bit, surprised, and his head tilted slightly to one side, questioningly, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and slight concern at what she had said.

She took this as a request to elaborate. "I... I grew up in a-an orphanage... and I never got adopted, s-so I don't have a family... and I don't think I ever will." she said in a soft voice, a hint of sadness, but mostly just a reluctant acceptance.

He let out a small sigh as he processed this, eyes not leaving Rin's tired but serious face, looking at her and suddenly realizing something. "You mean... you've done all this on your own?" he asked her, his voice slightly more gentle than usual.

Now it was Rin's turn to look confused. "W-what do you mean?" she asked.

"All of this, getting to UA, training to become a hero, you did all that... alone?" he asked, head leaning forward slightly, eyes looking up at her with a soft gaze, as if he were asking if she was okay.

"I..." she started, looking down at her hands for a moment. "I guess so..." She had never really stopped to think about it, everything that had gotten her to this point in her life. She tried to not look back.

Ikuto sat back in his seat and looked off to the side, thinking to himself. He had a great deal of respect for all of his classmates, but to get here without the support of a family was quite a feat, and he hadn't realized before just how driven Rin was. Despite her very quiet and somewhat sad demeanor, it was clear that she worked very hard to get here and was determined to achieve her goals.

Ikuto looked up at her, realizing he was lost in thought for a moment, and finally spoke. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Tsukikage-san. It's... truly admirable that you've gotten here on your own." he told her.

Rin looked over at him, surprised at the praise. "I-it's really nothing." she said, and she really didn't see it as much, it was just what she had to do, and she still had so far to go.

"But it isn't." he stated, surprised that she would say something like that. "You've done a lot, it's important to acknowledge the progress you've made."

She stared at him, thinking about his words carefully. He was right, she had done a lot, gone through so much hardship, all on her own, but it all seemed so small compared to what the future might hold for her. After all this, she wondered if she could make it the rest of the way.

He saw something shift in her expression as she looked at him. He could see worry on her face, as if she had been trying not to think about all of this and he had suddenly pulled it out of her. "I'm sorry, I- I'm sure it's been hard, but... you aren't alone anymore, you know." he started, desperately trying to comfort her but feeling very unsure of what to say. "We- if you ever need anything, anything at all, you can tell me... and I'll try my very best to help." He spoke to her with genuine care in his voice, and she knew he meant his words.

"I-" she started, but couldn't get anything out. She was touched by his kindness, but something felt bittersweet about it. She would be hesitant to reach out to her classmates for anything, but just knowing that she could, with at least one of them, was comforting. She almost felt tears stinging her eyes but held them back. She had wanted for so long to have a family, to feel loved and as though she belonged somewhere, to feel wanted. Yet here she was, after losing the third round foolishly, one of her classmates sitting by her side, worried about her. It had been so long since anyone was worried about her.

She turned away from him, almost ashamed that she didn't know what to say to him. "P-please don't worry about me, I'm fine, r-really." she muttered.

"I know." he said, causing her to look up at him in surprise. "You've made it this far, I know you're capable, but... my offer still stands." His voice softened at that last bit.

He said this so matter-of-factly, it almost puzzled her. She didn't need help, didn't want to be a burden, but... he seemed so sincere. Could this just be pity? No, she didn't hear any pity in his voice, in fact he spoke as if he were talking about something so simple. At that moment she didn't know what to feel or think.

"Do you not like the juice?" he asked, snapping her out of her spiralling thoughts before she even realized she hadn't responded. "You haven't drank much of it, I can get you something else."

"Oh…" She looked down at the bottle still in her hands. "N-no it's fine… thank you, though." she said softly. 

Ikuto just let out a quiet "hm" as he leaned back, not really believing her but figuring it's best to just let it be. The two of them sat in silence for a while, another match on the television coming to a close as Rin slowly sipped her juice.

After a while Ikuto finally cleared his throat and began to stand up. "I uh, should probably let you rest, and get back to the stands." He turned to her once he was standing. "Unless you would like me to stay."

"N-no, it's alright." she said before hesitating for a moment. "Th-thank you for coming to check on me… You really didn't have to." 

"Of course." he said, almost surprised that she would thank him. "I hope you recover quickly… Oh, I almost forgot." he said, quickly pulling out his phone. "I can give you my number, if you'd like, just in case."

She nodded, taking out her own phone, and the two exchanged information. 

"There." he said, handing her phone back to her after writing his contact info in it. "If you need anything, you can let me know. Or just…" His demeanor shifted slightly, seeming a bit more timid. "If you wanted to hang out… I don't know."

"I'd like that." Rin said with a warm smile, and she could see his shoulders relax as she said that.

Ikuto couldn't help but smile softly at her. "I'll hopefully see you soon then. Take care of yourself, okay?" 

"I… I will." she responded, and Ikuto then turned to leave.

"Also," he said, stopping in the doorway. "You can call me Ikuto, if you'd like."

"Okay, Ikuto-san." she said softly with a smile, and she could see a small smile on his lips as well as he nodded politely before turning and walking out the door.

[swamp-spirit]

Am I Depressed or Just Lazy?

It’s the question that haunts most disabled people, whether the disability is physical or mental. Is it my fault? Am I just not trying hard enough? How do I know? 

It doesn’t help that everyone has their own opinion, opinions your accommodations and aid depend on. Do you need help, or do you just need to try harder?

Well, here’s my answer for you, an answer that has been very important for me: The question is wrong.

To get into why, let’s discuss different kinds of limits. (note, many disabled people have more than one, if not all of these. this is not an attempt to ‘rank’ disabilities, and all come with their own unique range of issues)

OBJECTIVE HARD LINE

This is something you can prove. You can go into the doctor, do a test, and have them clarify that this is a fixed, provable limit. For example, if you are paralyzed from the waist down, that’s a hard line. No amount of luck or willpower will let you walk that day. You might have a form of aphasia that makes you incapable of forming coherent sentences. If you allergic to gluten, you’re allergic to gluten.

SUBJECTIVE HARD LINE

This is a consistent, predictable limit that you know, but is not an exact, easily proven fact. For example, ‘if I hear about a car accident, I have a panic attack’. It’s more difficult to prove to external sources, but fairly easy to recognize internally.

UNPREDICTABLE HARD LINE

You know your disability has a clear, observable consequence, but you can’t say exactly how much you can handle before it hits. For example, if you walk to much, your hip freezes up, but you don’t know how much walking will cause it. You may know going to crowded events give you sensory meltdowns, but not know how much you can handle. There is no “I can go to your party for exactly eleven minutes”. 

SOFT LINE

These revolve around energy. Maybe your executive function issues make it hard for you to do homework. Maybe your chronic pain means going shopping leaves you tired. This is where spoon theory becomes popular. Everyone has physical and mental struggles and limits.

-----

The problem is, everybody has soft lines. Everybody gets tired if they push their bodies. Everybody gets stressed or sad or overwhelmed. There’s no exact measurement. 

It makes a lot of us push ourselves towards our hard lines. For example, I struggle with chronic pain and exhaustion, and, at a certain point, faint. After years of being told I was faking it, being dramatic, just needed to push through, starting to actually collapse was the first time people began to realize there was something wrong. I still don’t know how to believe my own body, I don’t know how to forgive myself for not pushing, so I push for the limits. Once I faint, then I’ve finally proved I’m trying, that I’m not just being dramatic or lazy. Mental illness is particularly hard to quantify, and many people are driven to self harm trying to create some proof that their pain is real.

Disabled or lazy? 

What do we do if the answer is lazy? We don’t want to be one of those bad disables who uses our health as an excuse and doesn’t make changes.. Maybe you can just push through it. Maybe if you just HATE yourself enough, you’ll be the person you want to be.

On the flipside, maybe it’s your disability. Not your fault. Out of your hands. No point in trying to fix it.

Obviously, neither of these are healthy places to stay, but if the two options are ‘it’s my disability and I have no control’ or ‘it’s my fault and I could fix it if I cared’, what else can you do? It also makes us lash out at hope. After all, if you can get better, isn’t it... kinda your fault that you aren’t? Aren’t you choosing to stay sick?

Because here’s the core problem: You are like this for a reason.

What is lazy? There’s this attempt to boil ourselves down to what’s ‘us’, the core traits open for moral judgement, and what’s ‘not our fault’, experiences outside us that shape our actions. It’s particularly obvious in the way we discuss criminals.

But we’re all the way we are for a reason. Every asshole has mental and social reasons to be an asshole. Nature and nurture, baby.

So what? None of it’s our fault and we should do what we want and blame other factors?

Of course not, but the reverse isn’t any better! Let’s look at a common issue:

I don’t clean as much as I want. Is it my disability, or am I lazy?

If you’re lazy, what do you actually do? Well, you stop being lazy! You buck up and Do The Dang Thing!

But if wanting to do it was enough, you wouldn’t be worrying about it in the first place. Maybe you’ll force yourself to clean for ten minutes, but the real thing you ingrain is self loathing. Stop being lazy. Stop being lazy. Stop being lazy. Hate yourself healthy.

That’s not constructive because you’re fixing the wrong problem. So what do you do? How do you give yourself agency without basing it around guilt? How do you change without shame?

. Instead of asking if your problems are ‘real’, here’s what I recommend:

1. Why am I not acting the way I want to act?

Don’t accept any answer that has moral judgement. Cut the word lazy. It’s useless. Don’t ask if it’s ‘your fault’ you have Type II diabetes, if you ‘should be able to’ pay attention in class. Cut moral judgement from the process.

Actually understanding why you act the way you do might take time, research, and thought, but changing behavior does!

Example: Why am I eating so much junk food when I know it’s making me feel worse?

Bad answer - I’m depressed

Worse answer - Because I’m a glutton with no self control

Good answer - My depression makes me seek out temporary highs from food because long term highs aren’t working, and I have self control issues that mean I often don’t act in my own best interests.

2. What are my barriers?

Once you’ve identified what’s stopping you, get into more details. If you find doing dishes overwhelming, why? What parts of the process do you find overwhelming or uncomfortable?

For the more general answers (motivation, energy, etc), what are your barriers to the solutions? What steps might help with your depression and what’s stopping you from taking those? Why don’t you do your physical therapy?

3. Is this something I can change? Is this something I can change now?

Earlier we talked about hard lines. Those come back in here. Some things, even with unlimited time and resources, remain fact. It’s not ‘giving up’ to accept a hard ‘cannot’. That said, be careful not to listen to mental illness ‘cannots’ in this situation. For example, I have been told by professionals I will probably always need psyciatric medication to be functional, no matter how good my self talk and lifestyle is. Accepting that, I think, is healthy. It would not be healthy, however, to decide that I ‘cannot’ have a good life.

But you do not have unlimited time and resources. When I said ‘what are your barriers’, plenty of you probably went “MONEY! IT’S MONEY, YOU ASSHOLE” Sometimes it means knowing an issue can’t be addressed until you have money/time/surgery. 

It’s okay to put things on the backburner. If you’re trying to figure out ‘how do I keep from being homeless next week’, you might decide ‘how do I eat more vegetables’ is not your most pressing issue.

You can also decide a fix isn’t worth the cost. Maybe you could afford knee surgery, but you don’t think the amount it would improve your life would be worth the expense or risk. Maybe you could take the stairs to class, but it would leave you too exhausted to pay attention.

Sometimes you realize ‘I want something more than I want to fix this’, and... that’s okay. Sometimes you aren’t ready for a change. Sometimes you don’t need to change. But if the change really is something you want:

4. Make a plan that directly confronts your barriers?

You’ve already broken your barriers into small, objective issues. Now you can start working on those issues. 

If you know you need to eat better, and your main barrier is impulse control, don’t plan to ‘stop eating junk food’. Figure out healthy, easy snacks you like and leave them in plain view.

Find ways to make chores easier. Learn to cook while seated, try playing music while you clean, find what works for you. If it doesn’t work, try something else.

Talk frankly with the people in your  life. Try to help them understand what your barriers are and make them allies in overcoming them. “I know it’s important I do this, and I am trying. Here is the specific element I am struggling with. Do you have advice for that?”

I particularly love this conversational tactic with doctors. Here is a conversation I had with a lot of doctors:

Doctor: You need to fix this habit. Me: I know. I’m sorry. Doctor: It’s really important. Here’s why it’s important.

I would get upset and defensive that the doctor seemed to think I didn’t care, and that the solution was just shaming me into caring more. The doctor would probably see me as unwilling to change.

Here is the conversation we have now:

Doctor:  You need to fix this habit. Me: That’s a priority for me too, but I’m really struggling with x and y hasn’t helped. Do you have any advice that helps people with x?

This either gets me advice on my actual problem instead of just being shamed for not fixing it, or it forces the doctor to change the topic and perhaps redirect me to somebody with more experience.

Write down lists of issues you want to address with your doctor. Focus on concrete steps and goals, and celebrate every win. People might not see how hard your fight is, but if getting out of bed in the morning is a fight, you have every reason to celebrate it.

But your barrier is NOT that you are lazy. It is not that you are bad or stupid or worthless. You cannot hate yourself healthy.

Your struggles are real, and the steps to overcome them are based in understanding, agency, and support, not self loathing.

[twstwonderlandstuff]

Octo Love! (Reader x Azul!)

Original song

My cover 

In which [Name] gets a little too tired and goes on a sporadic singing journey.

It always feels like you’ve exhausted yourself to the max limit. Every day, you trudge back to Ramshackle, muscles and back sore from the work Crowley forces upon you, that damned bird. Every day, you collapse into the soft cushions in Ramshackle and fall asleep in 3 seconds, and after an hour-long ‘nap’, you wake up to see Grim sprawled on top of you, snoozing away (you’re always grateful for the ghosts you take their time to spread a blanket on top of both of you). 

But today… today was different. 

No, you’re still exhausted (come ON now, this is school and when does one catch a break from school?), eyebags visible, but this time, you don’t get the chance to go to Ramshackle. 

No-no-no. See, you’re broke. Very, very, broke, and you have to work, and what better place to get models, than working in Monstro Lounge, right?

Well, it depends. 

On good days, working there can be its sort of fun, with Floyd’s unstable mood swings, the business of the place, Azul (with his mafia-like nature) running the place to perfection, and Jade’s butler act, but on other days were simply dealing with that is too much. 

You lose all sense of logic and fear- throw that shit out of the window, dawg, it doesn’t matter.

Say it with me, loud in clear! LOGIC AND FEAR DOESN’T MATTER! Again! LOGIC AND FEAR-

“Shrimpy~?” Floyd asks, and you gasp in alarm, gripping onto whatever you were doing. What were you doing?

Ah, yes, cleaning Monstro Lounge after dark, right, right…

“Yo, Floyd…” You give him a weak grin, tiredly pushing the mop against the tiles. “I’m so… sleepy.”

“But you’re always sleepy.” Floyd points out, lighting up. “Ah, wait here, Shrimpy. I got something for you~” He quickly leaves, leaving you looking like a deer in spotlights. 

“Ehh… ah, whatever…” You mumble, going back to your duties. Oh god, the floor’s beginning to look like something entirely different….

“[Name]? Are you alright?” This time it’s Jade asking, his calm and soothing voice forcing you to rub out the sleepiness from your eyes. You know he’s not that concerned, but the verbalization is appreciated. 

“No, not really. Fuck, I just want-” You don’t get the chance to finish your complaint as Floyd bursts in, holding a sheet of music and a mic in hand. 

“Shrimpy~! You know when you sang that weird song?” Your eyes snap open for the first time, and your cheeks redden. Ahh…

It’s a song from your middle-school years, how embarrassing. You were talking with Floyd- well, to be precise, he was spinning and squeezing you about- and as he was spinning you, you began to hum a little tune. The eel picked up on it, and insistently asked what you were singing about, so you gave him the entire rundown of the song.

He giggled, saying how weird it sounded, but his grin contradicted his statement and before you could realize it, he dropped you on the ground and ran away, doing who knows what- and it seems that he’s…

“You… wrote the entire note-chorus- thing?! Based on what I said?!” You shout, skimming over the notes he’s written down messily. 

“Floyd, this is amazing, holy shit!” You gasp in amazement. “That’s so cool!”

“Hehe, sea otter helped me out! Sea otter’s too nice, it’s kinda annoying.” Floyd pouts, going to sling his arm around Jade. “Whatcha think, Ja-de?”

The twin smoothly takes the paper out of your hands and reads the notes, looking amazed. “Ah.. this truly is spectacular, Floyd. Good job.” He pats Floyd on the head, and Floyd grins at the praise. 

“What’s going on here?” Ah, the man of the hour, the head of the fish mafia himself, Azul Ashengrotto.

You might or might not harbor a tiny, insignificant crush on him. No, you don’t have secret doodles of him and you in the corners of your notebook, of course not! That very notion revokes the idea of logic!

But then again, didn’t you say ‘FUCK LOGIC!’ just a while ago? You did, didn’t you?

…

Well, maybe the crush is bigger than that. There might be a chance that it’s 0.1% bigger than that.

…

No, you most definitely harbor an obvious crush on the silver-haired bloke, and EVERYONE KNOWS, except the bloke himself!

“A-Azul, hey!” He waves you aside, used to the way you stutter when you speak to him.

 “Floyd, I believe I told you to check on [Name], not needlessly wave around a piece of paper,” Azul says, adjusting his glasses.

“But A~zul~ take a look! I, Sea Otter, and Shrimpy made this, you know! And I don’t wanna work anymore! I wanna play the piano~” Without giving Azul a chance to protest, he grabs you (and throws you over his back like a sack of potatoes) and the paper, and runs to the piano Monstro has, leaving Jade to deal with Azul. 

“Jade, set me down at once-” Azul complains as he’s handled similarly to you, looking undignified. 

“My apologies, Azul, but it wouldn’t do good to displease Floyd.” Jade chuckles.  “Besides, don’t you want [Name] to rest? It seems that you were quite worried about their health, fufu.”

Azul stiffens, a light blush adorning his ears. “I haven’t the slightest idea of what you’re talking about.”

“Ah, I must have misunderstood. My apologies.” Jade snickers, setting Azul down on one of the tables in Monstro Lounge, sitting next to him. 

You and Floyd are too far away to hear this conversation, with Floyd getting the piano up excitedly and handing you the mic. 

“Wait, are we going to play a concert? In the middle of the night?” You mutter, taking the mic dumbly. 

“Duh~ you’re pretty dim, Shrimpy!” Floyd snickers darkly, setting the music sheet in front of him and stretching. “What did Goldfish say…? Oh yeah, this spell!” 

After the spell was cast, the piano began to play a tune to what you’re familiar with. 

“Holy shit. It’s playing by itself?!” Floyd pays no heed to your words and began dancing. 

“Come on, Shrimpy, sing!” He encourages you, clearly having fun. 

Well, what’s the harm? You turn the mic on, and begin singing, moving your body for a bit.

“Ooo, we break the laws of attraction

Like you’re sent from above

Got a case of octo love”

Azul glares at the oddly fitting words but begins to slowly bop his head. Jade is smiling, stiffly dancing in his seat. 

“Ooo, we’re like a chemical reaction

Or a code you can’t debug

Got a case of octo love”

“She’s always turning to violence-” Floyd laughs particularly hard at this, and swings you around, leading you to giggle halfway through the song. 

“…’s so determined she’s timeless

And I’m so nervous I’m silent.”

Floyds leaves you be, and you pause in time with the music. 

“What if she finds out I’m lying?

What if she sends me home crying?

Why can’t I just be kawaii?”

“Isn’t that a term Idia-shii often uses…?” Azul mutters. Floyd comes closer to Jade and Azul, picking the latter up. 

“Wait wait wait-!” 

“Too late, Azul~” He plonks Azul, next to you, and you give him a grin. 

“Baby, baby, baby, you’re so fine-” You scream into the mic, clutching it like a madman. 

Mew mew kissy cutie, you’ll be mine-

Crushing, crushing, crushing, on AZUL-” 

The octopus freezes in shock, as you continue with the very, very fitting lyrics. Floyd’s going absolutely ham, doing some sort of ska dance with his twin as he laughs at your mistake. (RIP all the other members of Octavinelle). 

“Oh, did I say that out-”

No, did I say that out loud?!” You, being dramatic, clutches Azul’s hands and shake them, seemingly unaware of what you’ve said. 

The octopus face reddens almost immediately when you swing his arms as children do.

“Ooo, we break the laws of attraction

Like you’re sent from up above

Got a case of octo love”

The poor dorm leader would like to hide under his octopod forever now, thank you very much. 

“Ooo, we’re like an improper fraction

Hope this ship gets safe to shore

Though I’m quite unsure”

“Come on shrimpy, join us!” Floyd grabs you and Azul, and together, the 4 of you began dancing in a circle as the Dance Break ensues, your and Azul’s hands holding each other. Azul just repeatedly wants to die of shame and embarrassment. 

“She’s always turning to violence

I’m always turning to science

She’s so determined she’s timeless 

And I’m so nervous I’m silent.”

You lot stop spinning, dizzy, and out of breath as Floyd takes the mic and sings into it, surprisingly melodious (well, maybe it’s not THAT much of a surprise. He IS from the sea, after all.)

“What if she finds out I’m lying?

What if she sends me home crying?

Why can’t I just be kawaii?

And then I’m like…”

Jade takes the microphone, seemingly knowing the lyrics, and sings into it, making you cheer as you press close to him. 

“Baby, baby, baby, you’re so fine

Mew mew kissy cutie, you’ll be mine-”

You grab the mic back, spinning in place. 

Crushing, crushing, crushing on Azul-”

You point towards the dorm leader, who’s taken to sitting on the floor of Monstro Lounge and hiding most of his face with his hands, excluding his eyes, and come near him, getting your face a little too close to his liking. 

“And so I shout it out!” 

And so I shout it out loud!”

You grab Azul by the hand and drag him towards you, skillfully keeping him balanced. He can’t help but wonder, Where was this energy when you were working?

You began to do a sort of impromptu couple dance, your exhausted giggles and laughs slipping in and Azul sighs at the silliness of it all, but… he smiles genuinely. 

You look so plaintively happy here that he can’t help it, you know?

“Ooo, we’re like a warrior in action

Fit together like a glove-”

You shove the mic into his face, and he, in a low voice, murmurs. 

“Got a case of octo love…”

You gasp dramatically, looking like you didn’t notice him. 

“OOOOH MY GOD HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STANDING THERE?!”

“I’ve been right here the whole time…” He mutters, a little confused. Is this part of the song, or something?

“Ok, now I want to die.” You say, deadpan. The twins, who were back to their own ska dance thing, grabs the mic from you and pulls you and Azul by the arms (again). The four of you began to sing in harmony (as harmonious as you can get, anyway). 

“Ooo, we break the laws of attraction-”

You eagerly grab the mic back.  “A duet will maybe do... cuz I invited Floyd and Jade too!”

“Hehe, of course, you did, Shrimpy~”

“Smooshed together like a bug!!”

“Got a case of Octo love~”

You let out a huge laugh, giggling and snickering as Jade sets you down, catching your breath. 

“That was… fun…! But now, I...holy shit… I’m tired…” You gasp in exhaustion, falling flat onto one of the couches and quickly began to fall asleep, but-

“Ne, Shrimpy?”

With the last bit of your strength, you open your eyes just a tiny bit. “Wha..?”

“D’ya realize what ya said?” Floyd’s grin is wide like he was about to tease the SHIT out of you or use you in some way. He flops on the floor and leans onto your leg. 

“The song, yeah?”

“Hihihi, Shrimpy~,” The twin says. “You’ll see tomorrow~ goodnight.” He says quietly, a quick change of mood. 

“Sleep tight.” Jade laughs, sitting down next to you and putting his head back. 

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Azul finishes, sitting a bit further away from the 3 of you. 

“G’night.” Not a second later, and you are asleep, breathing softly.

*

“Ne, ne, Azul~? Watcha think of Shrimpy’s confession?”

“Th-that wasn’t a confession! It was a slip of the tongue.”

“Eh. You’re still gonna deny that. That’s cowardly, Azul~ Even Shrimpy knows better than that.”

“I must agree. Honestly, to think that you were beaten to confessing. And most oddly, too.”

“I...um…”

*The Leech twins grin widely at Azul’s clamming up. 

“Hmm~?”

“J-just leave me be!”

*With a face as red as tomatoes, Azul leaves, assuming to hide in his octo pot. 

[Thanks v much for reading! This is a better version of what I put out yesterday because god damn, that was disgraceful.]