#parent: you don't visit us
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hey why do parents say/do the most hypocritical and illogical shit???
#personal#delete later#asking for a friend#it's me i am the friend#parent: you don't visit us#me: work is hard right now can you come visit me?#parent: no we don't have time#parent: also we are going to Egypt#Parent: also we are travelling to see your brother#parent: also we are going to XYZ#Parent: why don't you want to see us?#Me: ?????????????
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flying perilously close to spoilerposting here but one thing that's SO fun about garashir is how they have such complementary daddy issues and yet neither of them really fully grasp what the other one's problem is
#emily if you see this post DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT#julian 'if your dad sucks why not just go no-contact and refuse to talk about it ever' bashir#elim 'well MY father could visit any number of horrors upon me For The Greater Good and i'd be fine as long as he acknowledged me' garak#guy who would do anything to be useful to his father in any capacity#vs guy who would do anything to be useful in general but only if it's got nothing to do with his father.#like if they ever sat down and discussed their respective damage i think they would both misunderstand each other SO badly.#and of course i love to think about this in the context of them getting married#where garak is like. well obviously we'll be inviting your entire extended family for our big cardassian wedding.#since you're lucky enough to still HAVE a family#and julian is like no the hell we won't be. are you insane.#obviously by this point garak knows why julian isn't on speaking terms with his folks but he doesn't quite grasp it emotionally#and can't help but perceive it as some sort of slight since family is such a big deal to cardassians#and after he let julian stay when [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS] he can't understand why julian won't at least introduce him to his parents#meanwhile julian thinks he's doing garak a favour by keeping them separate :/#and can't understand why garak is SO determined to dismiss julian's discomfort and force his way into this part of julian's life#cue a lot of petty sniping to mask very real hurt feelings before they actually talk it out.
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@reserved-fruit thank you for the link to this video with Kris' heart ring (goes perfectly with Keep Me Grounded, Keep Me Calm, just saying 👀 do you like friends (Bojan and Kris) comforting each other and jokingly proposing while still being deeply serious about how important their friendship is? Go read this!).
Here's some screenshots to look at with me, why? Because I'm a touchstarved bitch and scream and cry at any sighting of physical affection. Thank you Bojan for providing enrichment in my enclosure.
Also this one. Because I see a mention of friends spending time together because they love each other and love spending time together, I scream and screech in missing my friends noises.
#i'm half convinced alistair has saved me on discord as touchstarved fuck or something#anyway. do these fuckers know how LUCKY they are to have their friends this close at any given time?#I spent 2 1/2 weeks at my parents' during christmas and I saw friends I think... three maybe four times#plus a visit at a friend's place across the border for two days#which i was very happy about! i was really happy about the times i did see friends!#but it also sucks that everyone's so busy with their own lives and responsibilites and whatnot that it's this hard to see friends now#plus that one friend who just doesn't answer anyone anymore. just TELL US if you don't want to see us anymore#that's okay. it would still hurt but sometimes a friendship has come to its end and that's okay even if it hurts. but don't just#ghost your entire friend group while still sending snaps and then not answering if we answer there#okay that turned into a rant#because like bojan in the shower with kris i am incapable of shutting the fuck up in the tags#go read that fic!#mine#joker out
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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Also yeah uh I have a friend coming over but like, this is a Grown Up friend that I made as an Adult. And I'm the only person home. So suddenly this is less "bringing a friend round after school" and more "welcome to my humble home :) I am a human person who Lives Here :)" and let me tell you I am overthinking this in like. 8 different directions
#lostwood.txt#i wanna be a Good Host for the hour they're planning to visit#they're nice! it'll be chill! unfortunately i have Zero Fucking Chill.#i am so deeply ashamed of the way my family live bc it is genuinely abysmal but I've done my best to like. clean up#but there's only so much i can do!! like !! hi yes sorry i know we've lived here 7 fucking years no we don't have floors#yeah we have tea but my parents only drink the kind you buy like 280 bags for £2 so it's probably terrible#i need to go to the shop bc i don't use regular milk (cries in dairy intolerance)#but there's no where round here you can go for lunch since the library cafe shut down#so ??? :)???#i don't think they realise how not good my part of town actually is#like it'll be Fine. I'm overthinking to fuck.#but oh man. stress noises
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aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse
... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one
#i (ai)#ocd#vent cw#I also have like severe decision paralysis + procrastination issues so that's great#like. being so scared that i have to choose for something to eat that is nutritious&healthy AND affordable AND eatable#that i delay my eating by many hours every other day (+ combined with many other reasons like general awful schedule)#is not in fact the amazing health plan my instincts apparently think it is for some baffling reason. fucking hell#I consistently have all sorts of digestive system issues and I'm plenty underweight. tbh my adhd meds prob also dont help with this part#....on that note I have severe anxiety with spending money (which I have very little of) too. lmao. just great#during the lockdown years my contamination ocd spiked very badly and it still hadn't fully recovered now#and it was/is really godawful harmful for my physical and mental health alike. like this was worse before but even now it really screws wit#my hydration habits. also its always my top consideration/anxiety to think about 'god would the toilet hygiene be bad'#whenever theres any option for me to go anywhere. so I avoided nearly every possible activity/event/social event I could avoid#that require leaving home for half a day or more. and I freak out badly whenever anyone comes to our home to visit for fear of contaminatio#some family friends used to send kids over to our place for dinner montly-ish & that was always my worst anxiety source for the month#I always dreaded the night terribly and it was awful experience. urgh.#gdi I wish I had less types of ocds like why am I cursed with so many annoying things at once lmao#...anyway ugh. i hate how my parents is about me getting sick/ill/any sort of pains etc. always jump to blame me at once#now I don't even want to tell them about it but I have to and they'll often force me to do chores as usual and/or never stop talking about#how it's so totally my fault for having awful schedules and bad habits etc that I'm sick & that I'm making excuses or whatever the fuck#that i'm an adult its my responsibility etc etc#anyway sorry and thank you if you've read this far lmao
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#it sure is difficult to make plans with my parents when both of them are in a habit of lying or withholding info to make people feel better#actually it's NOT helpful to book someone a different flight time than thay wanted because you think they'll be happier with a different one#and not tell them?#also not helpful to not tell me someone is coming and not tell them I don't know?#also not helpful to not say what you want and then try to force that to occur? particularly without knowledge of the logistics involved?#like if you tell me what you want and when you want to do it that's good. actively good.#“i didn't want to just put my foot down and say I want to (x)” actually saying you want to (x) would cause me to know that you want it.#which is useful.#instead of booking things before telling me to force the issue? that is definitely putting your foot down concretely?#BOTH of them.#they are flying out to visit and neither of them actually told/asked/confirmed me before booking tickets.#and they don't even have the same info as each other. because ????#also at least one of them is lying about when the tickets were actually purchased#blease#please. confer with me before booking flights to a city i do not live in to force plans to occur how you want????#or like inviting my semi estranged father without telling me?#'i just wanted us to all get along as a family and be happy and enjoy our time together' cool that was not how you achieve that end#blehhhhhhhh#you could also check whether I requested time off work! that would be good to do before booking flights#this is not the worst problem to have in the world. but i lost a lot of work and sleep to it last week and I'm still#getting blindsided by new updates
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not getting matching tattoos with your girlfriend because it's cursed to end relationships but still having her help you design it because that's different somehow
#🥴🥴#like either way that's a reminder of you on my body forever#but honestly i don't think that's a bad thing like even if we broke up (god forbid) i would still want to remember the best years of my life#anyway it's a whale fall. idk when i'll be able to get it done but i'm super excited#the artist is closer to my parents house than it is to where i'm living though so i might have to use it as an excuse to visit#sapph's post
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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what do you mean my baby cousin is 8
#that's not real and everyone I know is lying#that is my baby SHE IS NOT 8#evie's random shit#no no you don't get it I remember meeting her for the first time and she was so so tiny#she is not 8 time is false#if I have to start thinking about her brothers I may actually start to cry#it's my first day off in forever today and I'm visiting them and it's just...WHEN DID YOU GET SO BIG#I used to pick them up and spin them around till we were both dizzy and laughing#they're getting too big to be able to comfortably picked up#holy shit is this how my parents felt
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Valicer Not-Incorrect Quotes, Meet The Family Edition Volume II: Van Dort Visit
Victor: [knocking on the door to Smiler's apartment, fidgeting anxiously] S-smiler? Are -- are you ready to go?
Smiler: [from the other side of the door] Yeah, just a second!
Smiler: [opens the door to reveal that they're wearing -- a plain black suit, white shirt, and black tie]
Victor:
Smiler: ...you okay?
Victor: [blinking and shaking his head] Yes! I-I just -- didn't expect -- [gestures to the outfit] I d-didn't think you owned -- d-don't get me wrong, it is p-probably perfect for visiting Burtonsville and m-meeting my parents, it's only...it looks d-downright funereal.
Smiler: [really awkward smile] Ah -- there's a reason for that...
--
[Context: the trio are being driven by the Van Dorts' chauffeur through the streets of Burtonsville to the Van Dort mansion]
Smiler: [takes a picture of the town and sends it to their friends]
Thirteen: [texting back] Ha ha. Take one without the black-and-white-filter, will you?
Galactica: [texting back] Yeah, be fair, Smiler.
Smiler: [a minute later, texts a picture of themselves and Alice in front of the window, showing that they're in full color]
Galactica: [texting back] WTF???
Thirteen: [texting back] HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY LIVES IN A TIM BURTON MOVIE?!
--
[Context: at the mansion, Victor is showing Alice and Smiler around]
Smiler: [staring down another hallway] Sheesh, how many rooms does this place have?
Victor: I'm honestly not sure. More than we could ever need, that's for certain. [rolls his eyes] Have to have room for all of Mother's "treasures..."
Alice: Yes, your mother in particular does seem to be into the conspicuous consumption. [small smile] At least you don't have a gold toilet?
[smash cut to:]
Alice: [staring at a literal gold toilet] Oh my fucking god.
Smiler: [also staring] Is it -- can you --
Victor: Of course not -- do you think my mother would ever allow anyone to befoul her beloved toilet?
Smiler: Rita is going to kill your parents if she ever meets them.
Victor: Please tell her to do so in a way that allows me a proper alibi.
--
[Context: Nell is holding court at tea and complaining about "this modern world"]
Nell: People just don't know their place anymore! Why, just a little while ago, I had the displeasure of dealing with the rudest, most incompetent barista I've ever met!
Victor: [not really paying attention anymore] Did you?
Nell: Yes! Cheeky little bugger didn't seem to understand anything about his job! All I wanted was a few little extras -- the sort a customer is entitled to -- and he couldn't even pour the coffee right!
Victor: [sudden horrified realization] Uh --
Alice: [calmly sipping her tea] That must have been terrible for you.
Smiler: [nodding] I bet you didn't even leave a tip.
Nell: Oh, we never leave tips anyway -- we don't believe in them, isn't that right, William? [William gets half a nod in before she continues] But we paid good money for that coffee, and I expected it to be done right! Not by some half-wit with dyed hair rolling his colored contacts at me!
Smiler: [completely deadpan] How dare they.
Victor: [muttering] Still drank the entire thing, though.
Nell: Not the point! [shaking her head as she returns to her own tea] At least you're not spending all your time with those sorts, Victor. If I knew you were carrying on with a barista I'd die of shame.
Alice: [under her breath] Can we have that in writing?
Victor: [trying very hard not to laugh]
--
Victor: [deep sigh as they all climb in the Van Dort's car to go home] Thank you both for putting up with that.
Alice: It's fine, Victor. They are your parents, and we were going to have to do that eventually.
Victor: I know, just -- I'm sorry. About them. They're -- a-a lot, I know.
Alice: [squeezing his forearm] I imagine you do, yes.
Smiler: Yeah, really. [pause] So, how do you think it's going to take before she finally realizes who I am and dies of shame?
Victor: Considering how much attention she pays to "servants" -- the heat death of the universe.
Alice: I don't think I can wait that long.
Victor: Please don't murder my mother.
Smiler: Yeah, Rita already has dibs.
#valicer#not incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes#victor van dort#alice liddell#smiler alton#misgendering#(very slight but Nell naturally didn't pay attention to any pronouns used for Smiler in the initial coffee visit#so she has defaulted to talking about them as 'he' when describing the incident)#been wanting to do this follow-up to the 'meet the family' edition for a while#especially the one where Smiler takes the picture and everyone thinks they're using a filter at first#'OMG HE ACTUALLY LIVES IN A TIM BURTON MOVIE?' has been in my head for a while XD#yes Smiler DOES have one plain suit they bought for a funeral#came in handy here XD#though in the full scene in my mind Victor is then like 'but I don't want you not to be YOU just for my parents'#and it's a little more heartfelt and sad as Smiler assures him that they're fine toning themselves down for one visit#though they still do wear their yellow contacts#(they briefly thought about going without them but decided 'nah that IS too much toning down')#and come on tell me the Van Dorts WOULDN'T have a gold toilet just to show off#it's probably shaped like a fish or something XD#and naturally I had to do a scene of Nell just straight up not recognizing Smiler#because all baristas blur together in her head#she MIGHT recognize them at a later date#we'll see if I come up with anything for that :p#queued
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I just saw the tags on the first baby Jean you did (I cheated and read the tags + sent my ask before going to catch up on the story lol) and wanted to respond to that too! Sorry for the non-writing ask, you don’t have to actually post this one if you don’t want, I just didn’t want to ignore those tags until next week!
I hope that your work does do something about what you reported, but either way it’s good that you reported it! If it’s something that ever happens to anyone in the future, there will be documentation that someone reported it and management failed to take the necessary measures to prevent it from happening again. You stood up for yourself and you may have potentially helped someone else out! You should absolutely feel proud of yourself!
You’re always so kind to me and I appreciate that so much! Thank you! Have a beautiful week! Besos xx🤍🤍🤍
prev | Baby Jean | WW 17.1.2024
Jean approached the desk and stared up at the person sitting there. They were clearly busy, since they seemed to be writing something down on a notepad. He reached up as far as he could muster and whimpered a bit at the stretch.
"How can I–" the person said before looking up and making eye contact with him. "Hey bud. Don't hang on the desk like that, okay? I don't think it's the most stable thing and I don't want it tipping over on you. What can I do for you?"
MASTERPOST
#HELLO DEAR LONG TIME NO POST TO TALK UNDER#I had a blast visiting my bfs and am sadly back stateside ;;;;;;#HOWEVER I have started my new job and it's super fun#I keep saying it's like the perfect job for me since I can learn how to do certain things/use certain skills#but then I never use those skills in quite the same way so it's something different every day#did have to go to urgent care after slicing my finger on a broken lightbulb last week#oh well#apparently might have broken a company record as far as 'shortest time of employment before being sent to urgent care'#but oh well#finally am moved out of my parents' house and don't have to feel like I'm going to inevitably return there#no temporary haven away from them anymore it's all permanent ish babyyyyyyy#HOW ARE YOU THOUGH???????#baby jean#lee's writing shenanigans#aftg#all for the game#wip wednesday#aftg jean#jean moreau#ww013 17.1.2024#white heart anon <3 <3 <3
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just had an unreasonably bitchy reaction, see yall in 20 minutes when im crying because i was unreasonably bitchy
#i really really need to get that adhd diagnosis 🫠#bc my bitchy reaction was because i didn't communicate early enough that i wouldn't be coming to a family thing today#in my defence i was never told any start time or anything else; just a 'will you be there' a week ago.#wasn't told who would be there or how long or what exactly#and tbh since i was only told like over dinner without anything written to remind me it didn't feel like a thing so important#that id have to give a few days notice#like im not the only one at fault here#sure i could have said that i have no energy to come earlier#ugh this feels like being a teenager all over again#every single fucking christmas my parents play tug of war for who of them im gonna visit on christmas#'but we don't want to guilt trip you' well cool i still feel guilt tripped i haven't stopped feeling guilt tripped since i was fucking 14#it's fucking always spend time with us this spend time with us that as if i want to split up my fucking weekend#every fucking time i ride the train to my hometown for 4 hours with oh yes even more traveling#it's always the 'no pressure but we want to see you again' like saying no pressure somehow takes off all pressure#at least my mom openly guilt trips me while my dad and stepmom somehow believe that they're not stressing me tf out#i swear next year im going to neither on christmas. maybe going to my boyfriend.
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#tag talk#as much as I hate to see the social cinema grow as I get new followers. we're at a good and satisfying number. and I like that#also also also. I've introduced a friend to Hannibal (tv show) and he's loving it and I'm so happy cause none of#of my other friends have been able to stomach the body horror. so it's super cool to find someone to hype over it with#another random story that I genuinely can't remember if I said already. got told by a kid in minecraft that he's smiled a lot more around me#which. huge compliment. genuine honor to make people happy and smile and laugh#people don't laugh enough. we don't smile enough. be happy or die. and I'm too powerful to die. been there. haven't done that#cry and then laugh and then punch as hard as you can.#got to visit some of my favorite residents from the nursing home I first worked at. lotta new staff but my three favorite nurses are still#which is nice. I cried when I left that job because even though it crushed my soul I loved my coworkers and most of my residents.#I get why some healthcare workers grind themselves to the bone for the job. you're making such a huge difference in people's lives.#I tried but didn't have the fortitude for it. but it's nice to be able to go back and say hi to the friends I made and see how things are.#anyway. sorry for being weird like.. one or two weeks ago. I think things are settling out again. moving is rough but we're making it work#It's been a lot of Lear again lately. especially while being at my parents house. he doesn't mind being deadnamed as much sooo....#idk. at least one of us is capable of surviving the dmv and the state medicaid website. heaven knows I can't manage.#trying to stop using him as a crutch for getting things done has just resulted in us not being able to get things done.#but I don't want to be someone else I want to be me. I don't want to be the armor I want to be the human inside.#I don't want to live defensively. pushing everyone away. I can't do that.#anyway. we're back home! and work is on the horizon. hopefully this job works out cause I don't want to have to apply for new jobs.#the hr rep is a man at this store and I immediately got set on edge and our voice dropped as I stepped back.#then we introduced ourselves with the wrong name and he got confused and I just felt stupid about it#but how am I supposed to know which name he's been told. he didn't even use our paperwork name. Anyway that was a disaster#but we're on track and embarrassment is not a setback but a feeling about the way things progress. and it is progress we're making
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I have to visit the great uncle (grand uncle technically but english kinship terms are weird that way) who doesn't like me (and once tried to convince me (a 25 year old) that a high-pitched sound has a low frequency) today so wish me luck I guess
#Like. it's fine to be annoyed by me I'm very annoying I admit#I even understand dislike when it's based on characters or behaviours I actually have or exhibit#But like. I don't really get why he doesn't like me when he likes my parents so much#I try to match his energy and sense of humour#and not to toot my own horn but I am good to him and his family I think or at least I try#Like. he has worse...nieflings? great nieflings?#My family is the only one from our branch who visits and doesn't make a nuisance of ourselves#And like. It's still cool to like hate me or whatever based on vibes alone but keep that shit to yourself#At least pretend to be civil#Not that he's hostile or anything but he keeps asking me like. 10th grade physics questions (and being wrong about the answers)#Or ignoring my contributions to the conversation#Like. dude we have so many common interests. we are both engineers. we both learned to play keyboard (very badly). we both sew.#we are both interested in diy#At least pretend to get along like my grandma who hates me does (other side of the family)#Personal#Sorry I keep using this site like a diary but I also think it is kind of funny that people hate me#Like if you met me irl you'd not even notice me I'm really a blend into the background kind of guy#I don't understand how I could even inspire such a strong reaction as hate like a mild dislike is fine but hate??#Except my grandma though. she hates me because she hates my mom and thinks she is an evil mastermind. I hope I was kidding#Also she thinks I am not as good as her other grandson who is much more successful. okay that's true but not grounds for hate lol#I kind of know why they hate me. but I kind of want to still give them the benefit of the doubt because I'm an idiot at heart
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i've been less shy lately so damn i realized how. idk how to say it. wait
#🌙.vents#bcs okay during my shift for my class' booth i rlly helped quite a lot w my classmates in my shift too n yeah others too#i helped the lower school kids that visited hehe n then even a parent n yeah n not to mention my classmates too in general. yh#n to my classmate i was like. 'hey btw i like your mcr shirt' n i said that for my twin as well n. wow. yeah. i really did that woah#n then for my friend apollo n i helped out w their booth too. n i helped like two people for my shift for our (optional) fair committee n#yeah the long one w the discrepancies damn n we even talked a bit while waiting n all n then said hi to a lot of my old friends from back i#middle school. thinking abt it makes me want to cry actually it makes me so happy right now bcs like#my longest friend ever we rarely see or even talk but we're friends n we spent like the whole evening together w other friends#n. personally it just. aghhh i don't know it makes me happy when i can be like.. a friend for others? someone you can hug n then#someone you can open up to someone you know will listen someone you know won't judge you someone you. yeah#n i really mean it i don't know how to put it any other way because i just can't not be sincere about how i love n it hurts bcs#i don't want to be sad. i hate feeling tired. n that's so human n everyone feels sad n tired but#i'm so torn between being kind to myself n dehumanizing myself at the same time. that helplessness like you know better but you just can't.#ah yeah. not only that longest friend but also my longest friend in my school who moved for this sy for. yeah#used to talk n see each other everyday at school n we're third cousins actually n knew years after we were friends.#oh i'm crying again.. no. no i'll push that out of my head wait.. aa sorry i'm sharing my life story 💀 n i know it's because i'm lonely n#you see i just. i just can't. i know i should reach out but i can't & i wouldn't because everyone else have their struggles too#but i can't do.. this on my own but i want to be the one to help others. i notice too much i just need to shut it out somehow#ah yeah wait. other friends too :^) n i often wonder what others think of me. what i mean to them. how they see me#we're all human we all think n not everyone is so self-aware or introspective but. i find it all interesting nonetheless#i would share my own thoughts freely if one would ask. & my own curiosity n willingness to listen is endless#ah but.. nah no i won't entertain that line of thought any further. not sure if i already wrote this to myself today but yk the#i think. when i can really be free n all. i'm good w vulnerable moments i'm good in social situations. i can read them well. n i know what#to do. technically at least. mostly. not always bcs anxiety rlly sucks too n goddamn on the other hand i'm honestly insecure if i'm too#serious at times? like i take life seriously honestly but not like. in a boring way or wtvr i just really value life#most of this is just idle musing i think i've been here in my seat for hours. oh how the time flies huh? midnight is nearing & the tears#in my eyes are drying up. n i just wish that in this moment that time would wait and stop.#sorry i'm not trying to be poetic okay with an unintentional rhyme i'm just writing my thoughts fuck#nah i thought about this earlier n now i'm at a loss for words again. it's sunday n i'm still to tired to reply to the rest of my friends#i'm so sleepy i think i'll write a bit n sleep soon. calmed down after writing that last tag. i'll rest n do more tomorrow.
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