#yes Smiler DOES have one plain suit they bought for a funeral
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victorluvsalice · 11 months ago
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Valicer Not-Incorrect Quotes, Meet The Family Edition Volume II: Van Dort Visit
Victor: [knocking on the door to Smiler's apartment, fidgeting anxiously] S-smiler? Are -- are you ready to go?
Smiler: [from the other side of the door] Yeah, just a second!
Smiler: [opens the door to reveal that they're wearing -- a plain black suit, white shirt, and black tie]
Victor:
Smiler: ...you okay?
Victor: [blinking and shaking his head] Yes! I-I just -- didn't expect -- [gestures to the outfit] I d-didn't think you owned -- d-don't get me wrong, it is p-probably perfect for visiting Burtonsville and m-meeting my parents, it's only...it looks d-downright funereal.
Smiler: [really awkward smile] Ah -- there's a reason for that...
--
[Context: the trio are being driven by the Van Dorts' chauffeur through the streets of Burtonsville to the Van Dort mansion]
Smiler: [takes a picture of the town and sends it to their friends]
Thirteen: [texting back] Ha ha. Take one without the black-and-white-filter, will you?
Galactica: [texting back] Yeah, be fair, Smiler.
Smiler: [a minute later, texts a picture of themselves and Alice in front of the window, showing that they're in full color]
Galactica: [texting back] WTF???
Thirteen: [texting back] HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY LIVES IN A TIM BURTON MOVIE?!
--
[Context: at the mansion, Victor is showing Alice and Smiler around]
Smiler: [staring down another hallway] Sheesh, how many rooms does this place have?
Victor: I'm honestly not sure. More than we could ever need, that's for certain. [rolls his eyes] Have to have room for all of Mother's "treasures..."
Alice: Yes, your mother in particular does seem to be into the conspicuous consumption. [small smile] At least you don't have a gold toilet?
[smash cut to:]
Alice: [staring at a literal gold toilet] Oh my fucking god.
Smiler: [also staring] Is it -- can you --
Victor: Of course not -- do you think my mother would ever allow anyone to befoul her beloved toilet?
Smiler: Rita is going to kill your parents if she ever meets them.
Victor: Please tell her to do so in a way that allows me a proper alibi.
--
[Context: Nell is holding court at tea and complaining about "this modern world"]
Nell: People just don't know their place anymore! Why, just a little while ago, I had the displeasure of dealing with the rudest, most incompetent barista I've ever met!
Victor: [not really paying attention anymore] Did you?
Nell: Yes! Cheeky little bugger didn't seem to understand anything about his job! All I wanted was a few little extras -- the sort a customer is entitled to -- and he couldn't even pour the coffee right!
Victor: [sudden horrified realization] Uh --
Alice: [calmly sipping her tea] That must have been terrible for you.
Smiler: [nodding] I bet you didn't even leave a tip.
Nell: Oh, we never leave tips anyway -- we don't believe in them, isn't that right, William? [William gets half a nod in before she continues] But we paid good money for that coffee, and I expected it to be done right! Not by some half-wit with dyed hair rolling his colored contacts at me!
Smiler: [completely deadpan] How dare they.
Victor: [muttering] Still drank the entire thing, though.
Nell: Not the point! [shaking her head as she returns to her own tea] At least you're not spending all your time with those sorts, Victor. If I knew you were carrying on with a barista I'd die of shame.
Alice: [under her breath] Can we have that in writing?
Victor: [trying very hard not to laugh]
--
Victor: [deep sigh as they all climb in the Van Dort's car to go home] Thank you both for putting up with that.
Alice: It's fine, Victor. They are your parents, and we were going to have to do that eventually.
Victor: I know, just -- I'm sorry. About them. They're -- a-a lot, I know.
Alice: [squeezing his forearm] I imagine you do, yes.
Smiler: Yeah, really. [pause] So, how do you think it's going to take before she finally realizes who I am and dies of shame?
Victor: Considering how much attention she pays to "servants" -- the heat death of the universe.
Alice: I don't think I can wait that long.
Victor: Please don't murder my mother.
Smiler: Yeah, Rita already has dibs.
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