#yes Smiler DOES have one plain suit they bought for a funeral

[victorluvsalice]

Valicer Not-Incorrect Quotes, Meet The Family Edition Volume II: Van Dort Visit

Victor: [knocking on the door to Smiler's apartment, fidgeting anxiously] S-smiler? Are -- are you ready to go?

Smiler: [from the other side of the door] Yeah, just a second!

Smiler: [opens the door to reveal that they're wearing -- a plain black suit, white shirt, and black tie]

Victor:

Smiler: ...you okay?

Victor: [blinking and shaking his head] Yes! I-I just -- didn't expect -- [gestures to the outfit] I d-didn't think you owned -- d-don't get me wrong, it is p-probably perfect for visiting Burtonsville and m-meeting my parents, it's only...it looks d-downright funereal.

Smiler: [really awkward smile] Ah -- there's a reason for that...

--

[Context: the trio are being driven by the Van Dorts' chauffeur through the streets of Burtonsville to the Van Dort mansion]

Smiler: [takes a picture of the town and sends it to their friends]

Thirteen: [texting back] Ha ha. Take one without the black-and-white-filter, will you?

Galactica: [texting back] Yeah, be fair, Smiler.

Smiler: [a minute later, texts a picture of themselves and Alice in front of the window, showing that they're in full color]

Galactica: [texting back] WTF???

Thirteen: [texting back] HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY LIVES IN A TIM BURTON MOVIE?!

--

[Context: at the mansion, Victor is showing Alice and Smiler around]

Smiler: [staring down another hallway] Sheesh, how many rooms does this place have?

Victor: I'm honestly not sure. More than we could ever need, that's for certain. [rolls his eyes] Have to have room for all of Mother's "treasures..."

Alice: Yes, your mother in particular does seem to be into the conspicuous consumption. [small smile] At least you don't have a gold toilet?

[smash cut to:]

Alice: [staring at a literal gold toilet] Oh my fucking god.

Smiler: [also staring] Is it -- can you --

Victor: Of course not -- do you think my mother would ever allow anyone to befoul her beloved toilet?

Smiler: Rita is going to kill your parents if she ever meets them.

Victor: Please tell her to do so in a way that allows me a proper alibi.

--

[Context: Nell is holding court at tea and complaining about "this modern world"]

Nell: People just don't know their place anymore! Why, just a little while ago, I had the displeasure of dealing with the rudest, most incompetent barista I've ever met!

Victor: [not really paying attention anymore] Did you?

Nell: Yes! Cheeky little bugger didn't seem to understand anything about his job! All I wanted was a few little extras -- the sort a customer is entitled to -- and he couldn't even pour the coffee right!

Victor: [sudden horrified realization] Uh --

Alice: [calmly sipping her tea] That must have been terrible for you.

Smiler: [nodding] I bet you didn't even leave a tip.

Nell: Oh, we never leave tips anyway -- we don't believe in them, isn't that right, William? [William gets half a nod in before she continues] But we paid good money for that coffee, and I expected it to be done right! Not by some half-wit with dyed hair rolling his colored contacts at me!

Smiler: [completely deadpan] How dare they.

Victor: [muttering] Still drank the entire thing, though.

Nell: Not the point! [shaking her head as she returns to her own tea] At least you're not spending all your time with those sorts, Victor. If I knew you were carrying on with a barista I'd die of shame.

Alice: [under her breath] Can we have that in writing?

Victor: [trying very hard not to laugh]

--

Victor: [deep sigh as they all climb in the Van Dort's car to go home] Thank you both for putting up with that.

Alice: It's fine, Victor. They are your parents, and we were going to have to do that eventually.

Victor: I know, just -- I'm sorry. About them. They're -- a-a lot, I know.

Alice: [squeezing his forearm] I imagine you do, yes.

Smiler: Yeah, really. [pause] So, how do you think it's going to take before she finally realizes who I am and dies of shame?

Victor: Considering how much attention she pays to "servants" -- the heat death of the universe.

Alice: I don't think I can wait that long.

Victor: Please don't murder my mother.

Smiler: Yeah, Rita already has dibs.