#over the last 40 years
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IMO: Absolutely, positively spot-on. Been a software engineer from 1980 to 2016, and this just nails the tech industry economics (and phases) that I saw then, and that I see now.
Must-read. Brilliantly written and on target. Kudos and applause, OP.
If anyone wants to know why every tech company in the world right now is clamoring for AI like drowned rats scrabbling to board a ship, I decided to make a post to explain what's happening.
(Disclaimer to start: I'm a software engineer who's been employed full time since 2018. I am not a historian nor an overconfident Youtube essayist, so this post is my working knowledge of what I see around me and the logical bridges between pieces.)
Okay anyway. The explanation starts further back than what's going on now. I'm gonna start with the year 2000. The Dot Com Bubble just spectacularly burst. The model of "we get the users first, we learn how to profit off them later" went out in a no-money-having bang (remember this, it will be relevant later). A lot of money was lost. A lot of people ended up out of a job. A lot of startup companies went under. Investors left with a sour taste in their mouth and, in general, investment in the internet stayed pretty cooled for that decade. This was, in my opinion, very good for the internet as it was an era not suffocating under the grip of mega-corporation oligarchs and was, instead, filled with Club Penguin and I Can Haz Cheezburger websites.
Then around the 2010-2012 years, a few things happened. Interest rates got low, and then lower. Facebook got huge. The iPhone took off. And suddenly there was a huge new potential market of internet users and phone-havers, and the cheap money was available to start backing new tech startup companies trying to hop on this opportunity. Companies like Uber, Netflix, and Amazon either started in this time, or hit their ramp-up in these years by shifting focus to the internet and apps.
Now, every start-up tech company dreaming of being the next big thing has one thing in common: they need to start off by getting themselves massively in debt. Because before you can turn a profit you need to first spend money on employees and spend money on equipment and spend money on data centers and spend money on advertising and spend money on scale and and and
But also, everyone wants to be on the ship for The Next Big Thing that takes off to the moon.
So there is a mutual interest between new tech companies, and venture capitalists who are willing to invest $$$ into said new tech companies. Because if the venture capitalists can identify a prize pig and get in early, that money could come back to them 100-fold or 1,000-fold. In fact it hardly matters if they invest in 10 or 20 total bust projects along the way to find that unicorn.
But also, becoming profitable takes time. And that might mean being in debt for a long long time before that rocket ship takes off to make everyone onboard a gazzilionaire.
But luckily, for tech startup bros and venture capitalists, being in debt in the 2010's was cheap, and it only got cheaper between 2010 and 2020. If people could secure loans for ~3% or 4% annual interest, well then a $100,000 loan only really costs $3,000 of interest a year to keep afloat. And if inflation is higher than that or at least similar, you're still beating the system.
So from 2010 through early 2022, times were good for tech companies. Startups could take off with massive growth, showing massive potential for something, and venture capitalists would throw infinite money at them in the hopes of pegging just one winner who will take off. And supporting the struggling investments or the long-haulers remained pretty cheap to keep funding.
You hear constantly about "Such and such app has 10-bazillion users gained over the last 10 years and has never once been profitable", yet the thing keeps chugging along because the investors backing it aren't stressed about the immediate future, and are still banking on that "eventually" when it learns how to really monetize its users and turn that profit.
The pandemic in 2020 took a magnifying-glass-in-the-sun effect to this, as EVERYTHING was forcibly turned online which pumped a ton of money and workers into tech investment. Simultaneously, money got really REALLY cheap, bottoming out with historic lows for interest rates.
Then the tide changed with the massive inflation that struck late 2021. Because this all-gas no-brakes state of things was also contributing to off-the-rails inflation (along with your standard-fare greedflation and price gouging, given the extremely convenient excuses of pandemic hardships and supply chain issues). The federal reserve whipped out interest rate hikes to try to curb this huge inflation, which is like a fire extinguisher dousing and suffocating your really-cool, actively-on-fire party where everyone else is burning but you're in the pool. And then they did this more, and then more. And the financial climate followed suit. And suddenly money was not cheap anymore, and new loans became expensive, because loans that used to compound at 2% a year are now compounding at 7 or 8% which, in the language of compounding, is a HUGE difference. A $100,000 loan at a 2% interest rate, if not repaid a single cent in 10 years, accrues to $121,899. A $100,000 loan at an 8% interest rate, if not repaid a single cent in 10 years, more than doubles to $215,892.
Now it is scary and risky to throw money at "could eventually be profitable" tech companies. Now investors are watching companies burn through their current funding and, when the companies come back asking for more, investors are tightening their coin purses instead. The bill is coming due. The free money is drying up and companies are under compounding pressure to produce a profit for their waiting investors who are now done waiting.
You get enshittification. You get quality going down and price going up. You get "now that you're a captive audience here, we're forcing ads or we're forcing subscriptions on you." Don't get me wrong, the plan was ALWAYS to monetize the users. It's just that it's come earlier than expected, with way more feet-to-the-fire than these companies were expecting. ESPECIALLY with Wall Street as the other factor in funding (public) companies, where Wall Street exhibits roughly the same temperament as a baby screaming crying upset that it's soiled its own diaper (maybe that's too mean a comparison to babies), and now companies are being put through the wringer for anything LESS than infinite growth that Wall Street demands of them.
Internal to the tech industry, you get MASSIVE wide-spread layoffs. You get an industry that used to be easy to land multiple job offers shriveling up and leaving recent graduates in a desperately awful situation where no company is hiring and the market is flooded with laid-off workers trying to get back on their feet.
Because those coin-purse-clutching investors DO love virtue-signaling efforts from companies that say "See! We're not being frivolous with your money! We only spend on the essentials." And this is true even for MASSIVE, PROFITABLE companies, because those companies' value is based on the Rich Person Feeling Graph (their stock) rather than the literal profit money. A company making a genuine gazillion dollars a year still tears through layoffs and freezes hiring and removes the free batteries from the printer room (totally not speaking from experience, surely) because the investors LOVE when you cut costs and take away employee perks. The "beer on tap, ping pong table in the common area" era of tech is drying up. And we're still unionless.
Never mind that last part.
And then in early 2023, AI (more specifically, Chat-GPT which is OpenAI's Large Language Model creation) tears its way into the tech scene with a meteor's amount of momentum. Here's Microsoft's prize pig, which it invested heavily in and is galivanting around the pig-show with, to the desperate jealousy and rapture of every other tech company and investor wishing it had that pig. And for the first time since the interest rate hikes, investors have dollar signs in their eyes, both venture capital and Wall Street alike. They're willing to restart the hose of money (even with the new risk) because this feels big enough for them to take the risk.
Now all these companies, who were in varying stages of sweating as their bill came due, or wringing their hands as their stock prices tanked, see a single glorious gold-plated rocket up out of here, the likes of which haven't been seen since the free money days. It's their ticket to buy time, and buy investors, and say "see THIS is what will wring money forth, finally, we promise, just let us show you."
To be clear, AI is NOT profitable yet. It's a money-sink. Perhaps a money-black-hole. But everyone in the space is so wowed by it that there is a wide-spread and powerful conviction that it will become profitable and earn its keep. (Let's be real, half of that profit "potential" is the promise of automating away jobs of pesky employees who peskily cost money.) It's a tech-space industrial revolution that will automate away skilled jobs, and getting in on the ground floor is the absolute best thing you can do to get your pie slice's worth.
It's the thing that will win investors back. It's the thing that will get the investment money coming in again (or, get it second-hand if the company can be the PROVIDER of something needed for AI, which other companies with venture-back will pay handsomely for). It's the thing companies are terrified of missing out on, lest it leave them utterly irrelevant in a future where not having AI-integration is like not having a mobile phone app for your company or not having a website.
So I guess to reiterate on my earlier point:
Drowned rats. Swimming to the one ship in sight.
#tech industry economics primer#economics#corporate greed and desperation#what's behind AI explosion#tech industry#ai bubble#wall street#off-topic:#the only software specialty#i've seen that's been economy-proof#(or at least economy-resistant)#over the last 40 years#is embedded development#specifically#firmware for dumb appliances#refrigerators#microwave ovens#specialty tools#etc.#written for cheap processors#with dead simple roll-your-own operating systems#demand for this never dies#and there are very few people with the training and the skills#to do it#that said#lot of C coding and some assembly language#and some EE background necessary#(though less than you'd think)#so not attractive for many developers#saving for future reference
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TWF fans have a strange habit of, for lack of a better word, woobifying Mr. Walten.
I think a lot of you seem to take this series a lot less serious than it actually is, and those same people have a very bad habit of making Jack out to be a saint. He's just a normal guy. Just because he loves his family doesn't mean he's some sweet and perfect guy who has no flaws. I never see any of you discuss or portray his anger issues that Martin has mentioned numerous times.
You all blatantly ignore the fact that Sophie's only memories she retained of him were that he was angry and he worked all the time. Just because he loves his family and didn't abuse them doesn't mean he's perfect. To deny him of these flaws take away what a dynamic character he's being written to be.
We know Felix sucks. We all know this because no one shuts up about it. That's his best friend of 20 years, someone he chose to have around his family, and someone he chose to start a business with. Felix's actions don't reflect on Jack, obviously, but you have to think about the fact they are best friends of 2 decades.
The small bit we know about Jack and what things Martin has let on to his personality over time is very different than what everyone makes him out to be, and it's strange. If you choose to ignore that Jack is just a normal middle-aged man in the 70s, that's on your own inability to actually like the character that's there.
#I could continue about this rant but truly it's grating on my very last nerve#i remain the only guy on this site that likes the workaholic chainsmoker 40 year old man#you guys do realize a guy can be goofy and love his family and also have flaws#does anyone remember when martin said that jack and felix hang out at bars together? we ignoring that?#just like how we ignore the sophie's memory of him on the site?#or how martin has said when jack dislikes something he actively shits on it (cartoons fashion choices music etc)#its weird to make him out to be some poor saint of a father who has zero flaws and his only personality traits are i love my wife !!!#him being a normal human with a multifaceted personality makes what happened all the more sad and realistic. he was a normal guy#with a normal life that was torn apart in a horrific unforeseeable accident. let him be dynamic. let him be an actual character and not jus#some goofy cartoon funny man.#rant over#twf#the walten files#jack walten#🥃.txt
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#george was really like is anyone gonna yeet andy over this fence and not even wait for an answer#can u believe last christmas is 40 years old in like a week give iT UP FOR LAST CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!#wham!#andrew ridgeley#george michael#helen demacque#userlyudmila#personal thingys#kk's gifs
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One of the best parts of Fellowship of the Ring is finding out about Aragorn and Bilbo’s friendship. Like I’ve seen people talk about how they collaborated on the song together, but I have yet to see people talk about this:
“[Bilbo] turned to Strider. ‘Where have you been, my friend? Why weren’t you at the feast? The Lady Arwen was there.’”
Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring pg. 261
Like. Bilbo was definitely one of Aragorn/Arwen’s chief shippers and no one can change my mind about that.
#Help I forgot their ship name#aragorn x arwen#but anyway Bilbo and Aragorn is an underrated friendship that needs to be brought up more#Especially since Bilbo is actually one of the closest in age to Aragorn in Rivendell#only like 40 years apart#As compared to the couple thousand years of Elladan and Elrohir#you can’t tell me those two didn’t bond over the crazy shit in the last ~hundred years they lived through#or that Bilbo didn’t use “well I’m older” at least once in conversation with him#because Bilbo’s a little shit and has to remind Aragorn that he’s the youngest guy there before the Fellowship and the Council#just imagine Bilbo watching Aragorn and Arwen skirt around each other for 17 years bc they have to wait until Aragorn’s king to get married#kiki re-re-re-reads the lord of the rings#just yelling into the void#the lord of the rings#aragorn#bilbo baggins#arwen undomiel#the fellowship of the ring#tolkien quotes#quotes
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richard & paul | tour'23 | part I ♡
#rammstein#paul landers#richard kruspe#paulchard#ohhhh#I spent two days doing this 😆#part 2 is ready too#i'll post it after the last concert 🥹#I can't believe it's almost over#I didn't think I would be able to make such a general post#like last year with kisses#but no#I still made it!#made about 40 gifs#at first I thought to make one big post with 30 gifs#but decided to split it into two#we were really spoiled last year ehhhh#I will NEVER forget the horror after rehearsal#but looking at it all#it doesn't seem like it was that horrible#💗💗💗💗💗💗💗#my sweetest babies#love them endlessly#my ramm gifs#stadium tour 23
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I feel like the Herbert gets a lot of shit for wearing a suit everywhere, but everyone just ignores the fact that Dan has been wearing the same dry ass white sneakers for 2 movies. Like he wore that shit to serve in a fucking war.
#reanimator#bride of reanimator#dan cain#herbert west#I feel like the reanimator characters simply gloss over Dan’s weirdness and Hebert a supernatural amount of shit for his#Like Dan really wore those beat up sneakers to every important life event to happen to him in like the last 5 years#I wouldn’t be shocked if he was still wearing those damn shoes in Beyond like 40 years later#Please take the man shopping
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they should show up to kazansky family events together occasionally over the years and do fun family things like share an air mattress in the living room with ices 19 year old cousin and take a 4 hour trip to the grocery store just for milk and chainsmoke behind the shed with ice’s sister. they deserve it ❤️
#tom iceman kazansky#pete maverick mitchell#top gun#icemav#trying some ways to color that are slightly more interesting than what I normally do#I think I like it#ices family life/history is so clearly mapped out in my mind I may have to make a post about it#ice is alicia goodwife if her parents had stayed together instead of her mom getting divorced four times#surely wishing every day of my life until I was 17 that my parents would final#ly pull the trigger and split up will not have any lasting impacts on myself or my relationships ice says dead serious#and mav is like surely growing up mythologizing my parents in order to put an extreme amount of pressure on myself to live up to made up#expectations and as a consequence of all that not knowing how to me anything but individualistic and stressed about it will not have any#adverse effects on myself or my relationships#meanwhile slider over there is estranged from his parents and on normal terms with his siblings like a normal well adjusted gay man in 1997#anyways shout out to gay people who don’t come out to their families until theyre 40 years old#ily
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To those of you wondering (aka no one), I finished both The Vampire Armand and Merrick and I have a lot of thoughts and feels. I'm skipping Blood and Gold for now to go directly to Blackwood Farm (I'll read B&G later), but first I'm going to read something else, just to take a break.
TVA thoughts: man, Armand is messed up. And extremely compelling. But so messed up. As always, the theme of faith crisis, which seriously reaches new heights with these bitchy vampires, is not something I can fully immerse myself in, but it was fascinating to see his numerous metamorphosis. I liked how he bridges Western and Eastern Christianisme, especially through art. Now I'm thinking that if Rolin Jones makes him originally Muslim in the show, that could expand even more the conversation on how faith, and especially Abrahamic faith, has been in conversation for thousands of years and could be such a rich, diverse and spiritual, intellectual and artistic theme. I can already imagine some fascinating discussions comparing (not in a superior way but in a complementary way) coming from Muslim faith to Roman Catholic faith, the way book!Armand talks about the richness of his life in Kiev Rus despite the poverty and ascetism, and the richness of his life in Venecia despite the luxury and abundance.
As for Benamin and Sybille... I don't have much thoughts about them. Sybille is one of those female characters AR seemingly favors, not so much human as a nymph or a dryad, "perfectly splendid". And Benji is a caricature of an Arab child. Nuance? 401 not found.
Merrick thoughts: David for the love if everything, shut. The. Fuck. Up. Holy moly. I like David, I do, but damn the entire recollection of his history with Merrick was looooooong. I'm here to see Louis haunted by Claudia and haunting Lestat's coma, not how hard you're pining for the kid you practically raised! Also. ALSO. You're just going to leave that whole thing with the Olmec or possibly another more ancient Mesoamerican civilisation without ever giving us more? That was the most interesting part of it all! The vodoo history, the connection between Louisiana and Caribbean vodoo and old Native South-American religions! More about this, less about Merrick's perfect breasts, I am begging you. (It is at this point that the reader of this post realises OP is 100% definitely ace and more interested in books and witchcraft than breasts and whether a 70yo man can still get it up - also, hey, Anne Rice's vampires are practically asexual and their lust and pleasure is mostly derivated from blood, with some notable exceptions like Armand and Marius, and a love relationship between two vampires is then based on romantic love and blood sharing, so can I hear a hell yeah for some ace representation or are we still conflating eroticism with sex)
Another thing I kept thinking about throughout the book is how Louis is perceived by his fellow vampires. Since basically the second book, since we've lost his own POV, everybody who's ever said anything about him (so Lestat, Armand and David) have insisted on two points: how very weak and meek Louis is, and also how irresistible, beautiful and charming. Granted, I've known Louis first through his portrayal on the show (hi Jacob you're so fiiiiiiine), and then through his own narration in the first book, but I've never had the impression that he was weak. Beautiful and seductive, yes. Weak? I see a human man going through tragedies and still enduring, going through vampiric transformation and then suffering for decades the loss of his humanity, struggling with reconciliating both sides of himself, but mostly I see a vampire who rebuilt himself after losing everything without sacrificing his sense of self. I see Louis as very strong actually (up to the point where resilience breaks, because resilience cannot be sustained on a long term, but that's another debate). He knows who he is, and don't you know how hard that is? He doesn't cling to faith or pride. He knows he's doomed, he knows he's monstrous, he knows there's nothing he can do to change that, and instead of railing against his fate, he goes on about his undead life. He gets his books and he reads them, he surrounds himself with literature and what little comforts he thinks in his shattered self-esteem he deserves (his ragged sweaters and soft trousers); let's not lie to ourselves tho, Louis doesn't like himself, or more exactly he doesn't care about his corporeal body - what matters to him is his mind, and once again, this author is extremely ace and also very aro and very nonbinary, so Louis to me is very much ace and agender coded, though really not aro, because his love for Lestat (and sometimes his fondness, shall we say, for Armand) is the only thing that can rouse him up from his literary slumber.
...
Oh, man, I have a lot to say about Louis, for how little he appears in the books so far. Still have BF, BC and the PL trilogy to devour. So I guess you can say, for as much as Lestat is occupying my entire brain, very much like him, my favorite is Louis? Yeah, that tracks. Melancholy, quiet, dark-haired green-eyed monster with more humanity than humans, preferring his solitude and the company of books to anyone else, hopelessly and helplessly devoted to one person, expert in brooding and grieving, literature specialist, not very attached to his physical self. Yeah. I'm not surprised.
#rapha talks#rapha reads#anne rice#the vampire chronicles#the vampire armand#merrick#vc books#armand de romanus#david talbot#louis de pointe du lac#lestat de lioncourt#books#literature#book review#wow that got long#wasn't expecting to write that much i just wanted to write a couple of lines about each book so i could move on to the next#but apparently i have a lot to say about louis in particular#i mean - vampires have been making me extremely verbose since i was 12#so no wonder *the* vampire books of the last half-century are making me go insane#anyway - i'm going to read a couple of fanfics i've noticed maybe finish watching the bear s3 clear my mind a bit#and then i'll dive right back in with blackwood farm#by the way i totally encourage fic recs and also discussions of my thoughts (how flawed and incomplete my perceptions of these characters?)#(obviously over 40 years of existence and adoration of these books so much has been said and written and i would love to discuss it with#people who have read and studied and loved these books in much more depth than i)
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I just realised that:
1. Because bioware often rehire voice actors they used before
2. In voice acting it does not matter if your age do not match your characters age
A majority of DAV voice actors are middle aged. And are all soppused act like Emmrichs:
"i have reached the dreadful age of.... being in my 50s, i am about to die ANY second. No i don't have a disease or anything. But as we all know i am SO OLD, that clearly i need to do something to become immortal right now!
Being in my 50s, pah! *swoons* catch these old bones before i fall, i could no handly such a dreadful impact on my fragile old body!"
Thing makes sense! While themselves being in their 50s (or late 40s). What a performance lol!
More credit to how all these middle aged voice actors needed to surpress their giggles to deliver lines that are basically like:
"Ah yes being middle aged, surely the oldest a person could possible be"
With a serious voice pfft
#dragon age the veilguard#emmrich volkarin#playing dragon age veilguard#it has been said before but what on earth is uo with bioware always trying to tell us being between 40s-50s being some sort of#peak old???#tbh i still refuse to accept wynne as 45#that was a mistake#no 45 year old could manage walking around calling herself an old old women#and being like this will be my last adventoure but is fine#cause i have lived such a LOOONG life#without falling over giggling#alternative interprention of wynne#she was trolling us with all that talk lol#and i know that wynne is actually sorta#dead in dao well mostly dead#when we met her wherehas the entire “it is fine if i pass this us my final adventoure#makes sense in that context she is already sorta dead ya know#but the reason being 45 is sooo old lmao#wynne is like between 80 to 90 years old you can not change my mind
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Sing Father's Day Headcanons: Johnny and Marcus Edition
When he was little, Johnny and his mum would make breakfast for Marcus on Father's Day. The year after she died, Marcus tried to. convince Johnny that he, 1) didn't need to do that, and 2.)was too little to use the stove anyways. This just resulted in Johnny just giving him a bowl of ice cream with a burnt piece of toast on top for breakfast since that didn't involve said stove with a proud smirk.
Johnny tends to join Marcus in the garage on Father's Day. They take some customers but most of the day they spend messing around with the cars they keep as personal projects.
As he got older, Johnny also started insisting on making dinner for his dad, Barry and Stan as well. They were a bit worried on how edible the food would be at first, but it always turned out well.
Barry and Stan also get Marcus "Big Brother's Day" cards on Father's Day. He hangs them up in his room next to all of Johnny's.
Nooshy, upon getting adopted, noticed the card tradition and up her own spin on it, making Marcus go on a treasure hunt for his card from her.
And when Ryan starts dating Johnny, he starts calling Marcus on Father's Day as well.
All of Johnny's childhood gifts to his father were signed "from your favourite child".
Father's Day is the one day a year that Marcus and Stan can actually watch a Premier League Match without Johnny and Barry immediately complaining.
During the special Father's Day shows at the theatre, Johnny always dedicates his to Marcus and his uncles. They cry every time.
#sing#sing 2#sing johnny#sing marcus#sing big daddy#wanted to expand on my headcanons from last year with my fav father & son duo#nooshy is the chaotic art school kid that shows up with weird presents for everyone on holidays#ryan is the partner that your parents will not stop gushing over ever#and johnny was a chaotic little menace of a child#is this late? slightly. BUT! i finished 40 assignments in 5 hours!
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powder keg (full under the cut)
#wip success story!!#for a bit there i expected it to be a wip failure but i think we turned it around boys#arcane#arcane jinx#isn't it kinda cool how vi and powder don't. have last names. do vander or silco have last names#this thing has 49 layers and 1 of them is completely unrelated#approximately 8 of them are lineart#so it took 40 layers to color this.......#most of them are hidden too it's cuz i am so indecisive and afraid of messing stuff up so i just duplicate the layers and keep going#this is not a great art philosophy but it is what it is#eyestrain#my eyes got fucking STRAINED while working on this#but i love bright colors </3#the evidence of duplicating layers is in one of my shading layers called Layer5-1-2-1-1-1-1-1-2-2-1 or something like that#i went into overdrive lowkey bc i was like this Has to be finished before arc 3 (uhh very mild act 3/trailer spoilers to follow ig)#bc i Know her look changes and god knows i was NOT gonna erase those braids i painstakingly outlined (over a year ago)#it's the principle of the thing. i basically redrew half of it anyways but only because i could not stand it if i did not#i was already feeling like euhhhhhhhhhh abt the whole composition bc when i originally drew it it was kinda half based#around her league personality#so working on it now felt like it was just. Quite ooc for our current moment in the canon timeline#well. whatever. i think she looks cool enough. character notwithstanding. i just hope she is happy after saturday </3#jinx#jinx league of legends#felt like i should tag that on bc the personality thing lol.... lol#i just went through the jinx tag and reblogged a whole stream of super sentimental and super angsty jinx stuff#and now i am posting what i post best. moderately cool poses and mildly affective expressions :)#my art
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I feel like it is potentially not the wildest idea that perhaps if you Hate Christmas and are going to be a Rude Ass Cunt for the entire evening it may be a good idea to not demand that the holiday happens at your house? Demanding that *you host* claiming that you *love hosting* and then, actually, getting mad at everyone for every little thing and overall just having an obnoxious attitude complaining left right and centre over any thing you can think of
You can just choose to not be a part of the holiday. You can be a grown ass adult and say “I don’t want to receive or give gifts this year” or “I’m not liking hosting so let’s do it elsewhere” or any number of potential communication tactics that aren’t Snapping At Everyone For Any Given Reason
You can just, yknow, not participate instead of actively ruining the evening for everyone you’re supposed to care about?
#this is the individual who tells me my doctor is wrong and my medication doses are bad bc salt is the devil#he used to be Christmas obsessed but over the last like three four years#he’s just gotten angrier and angrier#and quite honestly#I used to hate Christmas and all it made me think of#but this year I tried really hard and made Christmas something I wanted to be a part of again with#My New Family#so his attitude just wrenched that whole thing right up#My Family (Jack and pets) were a delightful Christmas#but fuck the BIL MIL combo was a shitshow#he bitched about the cookies and bread that I brought#he yelled at Jack because he disagrees with her doctors over things he has no business speaking on#snapped at his mom because she *checks notes* cooked the food to his preferences (he likes his meat drier than everyone else)#so she cooked it longer and everyone else just adds gravy to make it moister again#he was pissed about that for some reason#he shrugged off and moped about muttering shit about any gift he opened that we bought him#which#we specifically asked what he wanted bc he’s a picky bitch#and bought EXACTLY what he said he wanted#snapped at Jack for *offering to break down the boxes and take them to the recycling*#I cannot make this shit up#he yelled at his mom for coughing too much?#(medications making her throat dry??????)#like seriously?#at that rate just go sit in your room and mope to yourself#you’re almost 40 dude get your head out of your ass
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Just got word I did not get referred for a job I applied to and it hit me way harder than I thought it was going to, and I'm not having a great day 2day
#kind of wondering why i tried so hard over the last few years tbh#40 hr work weeks while doing 15+ credit hours a semester graduated with top honors and i cant even get a human to look at my fucking resume
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at least i get to say that my hypochondriac delusions about dying soon weren't delusions at all lmao. small w
#not close to that stage yet but knowing that i wouldn't be eligible for a liver transplant should i need one terrifies me even more#maybe i'll make it to 30. maybe even 40 if i'm really lucky. but right now everything seems pointless#fucking autistic loser who has no friends or a general circle of people that like them or brings anything of value to society maybe this is#natural selection and my body's speeding up the process#idk man. looking back at all my struggles with classes this last year it all seems so pointless#i got so worked up and spent the last few months i had without this miserable because i was stressing over something that would never lead#anywhere. at least i have an excuse to drop it all now. an excuse to bedrot until i literally rot#sorry for doom posting blame my fucking immune system#romeo's wretched rambles
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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I miss him more than ever, everything feels so empty without him. I just need his loving arms around me again, I can't take this
late nights like these make me crazy, what do you mean I will never feel his love again? n' my dumb ass regularly listening to Jeff Buckley is not making this any easier
#tc community#teacher crush#teacher crush community#male tc#male teacher crush#tccblr#teacher attachment#teacher love#student x teacher#teacher x student#unrequited love#sadgirl#jeff buckley#i wanna move on so bad but this son of a bitch isn't letting me#wrote this depressing shit late last night#how to stop being obsessed over a 40 year old man who isn't even your teacher anymore no borax no glue
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